Photo by Roman Didkivskyi, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Did you flinch when you read the title of this blog? If so, you wouldn’t be alone. We live in a culture that values independence, so the idea of being dependent doesn’t sit well.

That said, there are many reasons you could struggle with dependency even if you’re well into adulthood. Some of the most common ones are:

• An insecure attachment style
• History of emotional trauma or child abuse
• Growing up in a chaotic and unreliable environment
• Having parents who were consistently depressed or emotionally unavailable
• Losing a parent (or parents) early in life
• Being in foster care
• Having a primary parent who was critical and cold or a helicopter parent who didn’t allow you to develop your independence
• Taking on adult responsibilities as a child

Here’s the problem in a nutshell:

From birth through childhood, you depend on parents and caretakers for most of your needs, especially to feel loved, valued, and worthy. You’re in the process of building your sense of self and foundation for becoming independent. When those needs aren’t met, you’re left floundering as you move through adolescence and into adulthood.

It’s confusing. You’re supposed to take charge of your life, yet you feel inept and overwhelmed by the enormity of these expectations.

You’re told directly or indirectly,

“You’re an adult now. It doesn’t matter what happened before. Suck it up. You’re responsible for yourself.”

And, unfortunately, it falls on you to make repairs.

How Dependency Shows Up in Adulthood

If you’re unsure where you are, here are some measures you can look at to decide if you’re struggling with unmet dependency needs.

You can’t carry out the regular daily requirements to run your life.

This includes things like managing your finances, keeping up with laundry and household chores, feeding yourself properly, sleeping during regular hours, attending to personal hygiene, and getting to work on time or keeping a job. You might succeed with some of these but have great difficulty with others.

Have difficulty making decisions.

Decisions cause you anxiety, and you’d rather someone else make them for you or help you decide what to do. These can be big decisions like choosing a career, buying a new car or a home, getting married, having children, etc. They might also be simple daily decisions like what to eat for dinner or whether to say yes to an invitation to do something with a friend.

Other people’s opinions of you hold a lot of weight.

You’re easily hurt or upset if people don’t like you. You could swing from feeling inferior to others to acting superior and being critical. You might also feel offended or defensive when there’s any hint of criticism.

Difficulty taking responsibility for yourself and your behavior

You might blame others for your problems, see yourself as a victim, and make excuses for lapses in behavior. This one’s hard because, in some respects, you still feel inept to take on adult responsibilities even though the expectation is there. You didn’t learn the skills or get the emotional support you needed growing up to learn how to do this, so it seems unfair to be held responsible now, but you are.

You may act fiercely independent yet are unable to run your life.

This shows up by:

• Being overly opinionated.
• Fighting with others.
• Taking offense when someone tries to help you or is consistently nice to you.
• Having tantrums when things don’t go your way.
• Complaining often about being mistreated.
• Hopping from one relationship to another or one job to another.
• Not finishing things you start.

These behaviors are characteristic of pseudo-independence and don’t apply to everyone, but if they apply to you, it’s important to recognize them and see them for what they are.

What You Can Do

Your goal is to become more independent. Even if you didn’t get your dependency needs met growing up, you can do this. It’s not a quick journey but still something you can accomplish.

If your history’s weighing you down, try counseling with a competent therapist who can help you review it and work through the issues holding you up. This is not something you can gloss over with positive thinking. It requires revisiting, working through, and letting go.

Secondly, begin developing the habits and characteristics that will help you become more independent. Here’s a list to try.

1. Develop more self-awareness.

Practice noticing your thoughts and feelings throughout the day, especially when you feel reactive to something. The idea is to become familiar with and aware of how you think and react emotionally. Don’t approach this exercise to validate your thoughts, but more as a method of watching them and getting to know your soft spots. It’s also not an exercise in overthinking. Just observe.

2. Take responsibility.

Work on becoming more responsible for your life and how it proceeds. That means watching your money, taking care of your health, and doing your best work at your job or home if you’re a stay-at-home person. Notice how often you blame someone else or circumstances for why you can’t be responsible. That’s a critical insight. It’ll help turn that pattern around. Above all, be proactive as much as possible instead of reactive.

3. Shift your sense of worthiness from what other people think to what you think.

Get used to the idea that not everyone will like you, nor do you need that. Learn to like yourself and feel good about who you are and what you’re doing. Befriend people who appreciate you and don’t worry about the others.

4. Use your thinking more.

Independent people have a good balance between thinking and feeling. They can think rationally, creatively, and analytically and express their thoughts and feelings directly. Don’t worry if you don’t succeed right away. Just keep at it. When you feel emotionally reactive, turn your attention to analyzing your feelings and where they come from. Try saying it out loud or writing down your thoughts.

5. Learn to set boundaries and say no.

If you grew up as an adult child, you’re likely a caretaker and quickly get taken advantage of by people. Setting boundaries is not something you learned, but you can do it now. It’ll give you confidence. You can read this article to help.

6. Practice making decisions.

Make small ones to start. If your house is in chaos, make 10-minute decisions on things to do to start cleaning it up; ten minutes washing dishes, ten minutes sorting laundry, ten minutes running a vacuum. Decide what to eat for lunch. Decide what to wear to work. Don’t vacillate once you make a decision. After you get good at small decisions, move on to bigger ones.

7. Catch yourself making excuses.

This is the last one. When things don’t go as you like, watch how you justify them. Who or what do you blame? Then ask yourself what you could have done differently to get a different outcome. You want to work on taking charge of your life, which also means being responsible for how it goes.

Last Thing

Don’t waste time blaming your history or parents for what you didn’t get. Likely your parents endured similar circumstances. Use your energy to address the problems and work on yourself. If it feels overwhelming, by all means, don’t go it alone. Shift some of that dependency to someone who can help you.

That’s all for today.

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Suggested reading:
​The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven R. Covey​
​What Doesn’t Kill Us by Stephen Joseph

_FOOTNOTES

_{Covey, S. R. (2020). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (4^th ed.). Simon & Schuster.}

_{Feeney, B. C. (March 2007). The dependency paradox in close relationships: Accepting dependence promotes independence. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 92(2), 268-285.  https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.92.2.268}

_{Kitayama, S., Karasawa, M., Curhan, K. B., Ryff, C. D., and Markus, H. R. (December 2010). Independence and interdependence predict health and wellbeing: Divergent patterns in the United States and Japan. Frontiers in Psychology 1(163), 1-10. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2010.00163}

_{Reindal, S. M. (June 1999). Independence, dependence, interdependence: Some reflections on the subject of personal autonomy. Disability & Society 14(3), 353-367. https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599926190}

Photo by pick-uppath, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Making plans to start something new is easy because you’re excited about it. It’s like a New Year’s resolution: You decide to learn something, lose weight, write that book, declutter your house, or finish a yard project.

You’re gung-ho! Enthusiastic and ready to get started! So you plot it all out. Maybe write it down. You’ve got a plan!

You know what happens next, right? You get started, go along for a while, and then begin to slack off. Your enthusiasm wanes, other things get in the way, and then you let it go.

There’s already a lot written about this subject, and I won’t repeat all the great information out there about creating habits. Instead, what I want to bring to your attention today are the psychological barriers that get in your way. You have to confront these if you’re going to work through your resistance successfully.

I’ve got four of them for you. However, if you have others, email me so I can include them when I write on this subject again. Let’s start.

1. Shiny New Object Syndrome

New and novel ideas are stimulating, as are new projects! The feelings of excitement and hope lift you up and make you feel like you’re moving. You’re on the road to success! The future looks bright!

Planning is even more fun because you feel energized and focused. You’re clear on your intention, and feel good about yourself! You’re on to something.

We all like shiny new objects. The problem, of course, is that they don’t remain shiny or new, and you have to find something more about them to hold your interest.

Think of it like a relationship. You fall in love, you’re walking on air, and life is wonderful. But after about 18 months (or more), you lose that big dopamine rush, settle into the relationship, and become more focused on the work involved in deepening it. It’s good work, but it doesn’t give you that initial rush. It gives you something better if you stick with it and keep working.

Projects and goals are the same. That initial enthusiasm gets you in the door, but sustained effort and work get you the results and the lasting satisfaction that’s infinitely more rewarding.

When you start, you have to know this. It helps to have a way to remind yourself before that first wave of resistance hits you. You have to be ready for it and have a plan to work around it.

Insight #1:

The first round of resistance is an invitation to begin the work that will bring you the satisfaction and success you seek. Appreciate it and use it to move to the next level of your work. See it as an invitation to tighten up your effort and figure out how to reward small steps as you complete them. Success comes from finishing one small task after another.

2. Impatience

Impatience is the cousin of shiny new object syndrome. When the shine wears off and resistance rears its head, impatience screams, “NO! I’ve had enough! I should be there by now.”

You set out on a road trip. You’re excited! You have your favorite music playing, and you’re singing at the top of your lungs. The first hour’s okay. You’re enjoying yourself. Second hour, you’re tiring a little, and the music’s sounding too loud. You try a podcast instead. Third hour, you’re complaining. Fourth hour, you’re like “What possessed me to drive this far? Why didn’t I fly? I want to be there now!”

Impatience is the enemy of success. You either hurry things up and do a sloppy, half-baked job or move on to something else.

Insight #2:

Patience is a virtue! You can hear your parents speaking, yes? Well, they were right. You have to pace yourself with any new endeavor. You have to plan for the third, fourth, and fifth hours of the trip. What strategies can you have in place to make that part of the trip satisfying and sustainable?

3. All-or-Nothing Thinking

This is the one that sinks the project and sends the goal out to sea. All-or-nothing thinking is disguised perfectionism. “If I make one mistake, I have to start over at the beginning.”

People use this one all the time on diets. First, you create a diet that no one can stick to because it’s too strenuous. Next, you eat one thing off your diet and throw in the towel. “I might as well eat whatever I want for the rest of the day because I’ve already ruined it.”

And that goes on the next day and the next day and the next. Going back to the diet seems daunting because you see it as starting at ground zero, and you’ll need to double your efforts and be more punishing to make up for your horrible, deviant behavior.

Perfectionism and its sidekick, all-or-nothing thinking, have no place in successfully completing any goal or project. They’re both poisonous to the process.

Insight #3:

Planning for any goal or project includes planning for mishaps, mistakes, or deviations. Progress is bumpy. Say this mantra to yourself daily. Write it on a poster and put it on the wall where you see it every day. “Progress is bumpy, and that’s okay!” You must get back on the horse no matter how long you were off. You don’t start over. You start from here, right now – two steps up, one back, two steps up, one back. Keep going.

4. Unexpected Problems

With most any worthy project, you’ll encounter unexpected problems or issues you don’t immediately know how to solve. Maybe it’s something you didn’t foresee or something you don’t know how to do.

When you run up against a situation like this, it’s easy to abandon the project. The issue can feel like a boulder you can’t get around. This feeling’s exacerbated by waning enthusiasm, any interruption that gives you an excuse put your project on the back burner, or simply frustration.

Most of us know that worthy goals require us to apply extra effort when problems arise, but we still have that delusional belief – mostly unconscious – that the path should be easy. And when it isn’t, we give up. You’ve got to pull that belief up, stare it down, and dispel it if you want to succeed.

Insight #4:

Sustained effort requires planning for unexpected problems. You need to regroup, pivot to accommodate the new issue, get help from someone who has the information you need, and plan how you’ll reward yourself for working through the problem.

Long-Haul Thinking

Successfully finishing a project or achieving a goal requires a long-haul attitude. That doesn’t mean it has to be grueling. Your approach should be to plan for different parts of the journey, so you remain energized until you finish.

I would suggest you read Atomic Habits by James Clear if you haven’t already to help you set up the strategies to maintain your interest and overcome the obstacles that get in the way. My goal today is to make you aware of the mindset that keeps you from using those strategies.

If you don’t have the correct mindset, all the tricks and tips won’t help you.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by fizkes, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Last month I wrote a blog on tamping down your emotional reactivity. This week I want to continue that discussion by talking about a particular type of reactivity called “flooding.”

Flooding is an emotional and physiological response to a trigger that signals the brain to ramp up for a “fight-flight-freeze” response.

Flooding precedes the response and is the part of the reaction that allows you to say things you wish you hadn’t, or become so overwhelmed you can’t think, or run from the room.

It helps to understand what happens in your brain and nervous system when flooding occurs. When you know how this works, it’s much easier to step back and give yourself time to recoup before you say or do something. It permits you to opt out of a situation for a while until you’re back in control of yourself.

Your Brain’s Response

The best description I’ve read about what happens in the brain when you get flooded comes from Daniel Goleman’s book, Emotional Intelligence. In chapter 2, aptly entitled “Anatomy of an Emotional Hijacking,” he explains the process. I’ll do my best to summarize it for you.

It starts with the amygdala, an almond-shaped “cluster of interconnected structures” located above the brainstem. The brainstem is the lower part of the brain, often referred to as the reptile brain. The brainstem handles basic life functions like breathing and metabolism and has no thinking function. All living animals and creatures have a brainstem.

The amygdala is referred to as the “emotional brain” and “acts as a storehouse of emotional memory,” It provides meaning to our experiences.

What’s important to our conversation is to understand that the amygdala also serves as the alarm system in the brain that signals danger.

When you hear someone fiddling with the lock on your front door in the middle of the night, the amygdala alerts you and initiates a fear response. You hyperfocus on the sound as you hold your breath, becoming momentarily paralyzed. You feel a sense of urgency.

Goleman calls it the “psychological sentinel” that acts like a “neural tripwire” when we sense danger.

How It Works

What typically happens when you receive sensory input is that it proceeds through a systematized distribution route.

It comes into the thalamus, which is like a sorting station. From there, the thalamus sends signals to the neocortex, the upper part of the brain responsible for thinking, strategizing, planning, and prioritizing, and also sends emotional signals to the amygdala to process. All this happens simultaneously so that the amygdala and neocortex work together to sort through all the information before responding.

Emotions supply the meaning and drive, while the neocortex gives us a way to think about what we’re doing and what the repercussions will be.

When we get triggered by something or sense danger, the amygdala acts independently without the benefit of input from the neocortex. It sidesteps our thinking brain. This happens because there’s a “neural back alley” that allows the amygdala to bypass the neocortex and respond immediately. Even though the information is on the way to the neocortex, it doesn’t get there in time to impact action already initiated by the amygdala.

Think of it as an emergency response. Something happens, you get triggered, sirens go off in the brain, and the amygdala is right there with the ammo.

Now comes the flooding. Flooding is just what it sounds like; you become flooded with intense emotions that block your ability to think or sort through the messages you’re getting. You have no access to your thinking brain. You’re on emotional overdrive, and you say things you wouldn’t normally say, act impulsively, or become so overwhelmed that you feel like you can’t speak or move.

A woman I used to see in therapy explained that when someone got angry with her, she would become so overwhelmed and afraid that she thought she was losing her mind and should go to a hospital. Of course, she wasn’t losing her mind, but at that moment, the flooding was so intense that she felt paralyzed and lost.

Physiologically, flooding often causes:

• Increased heart rate
• Adrenaline pumping
• Tunnel-vision and tunnel-hearing
• Shallow breathing
• Muscle tension
• Feeling hot or flushed
• Trembling or sweating

You can feel faint. Or, if you’re enraged, you might have excessive energy!

What To Do

You can do two things, and it’s good to do both.

1. Take a Break

Regardless of the situation, get away from it if possible until you can reduce the flooding and get your thinking brain back on board.

At the very least, it takes your brain 20 minutes to cool down to a more normal state where you can think.

People sometimes believe that retreating from an intense situation or conversation is a weakness and that they should stay and fight through that.

That’s absolutely not true. You can’t hurry your brain along once you’ve been triggered and your amygdala has scooted through that back door alley.

If the situation or the trigger involved is one with a history or a backstory, it may take longer to resume normal thinking. Sometimes it’s best to wait for another day to approach a situation that’s been problematic before.

You should also know that your emotional brain remembers things you don’t. Goleman explains it like this:

“The amygdala can house memories and response repertoires that we enact without quite realizing why we do so because the shortcut from the thalamus to amygdala completely bypasses the neocortex. This bypass seems to allow the amygdala to be a repository for emotional impressions and memories that we have never known about in full awareness.”

So be kind to yourself, and take the time you need to recuperate from an episode of emotional flooding. It’s not your fault!

2. Self-Soothe

While taking a break, soothe yourself with activities that work for you. Everyone has their own set of self-soothing strategies. Some of the most common are:

• Sleeping
• Deep breathing
• Exercising or taking a walk
• Having a cup of soothing tea
• Taking a warm bath or shower
• Listening to soothing music
• Engaging in an activity that involves organizing, prioritizing, and creativity. Some people clean, do laundry or cook. These types of activities shift your brain upward toward the neocortex.

Whatever you do, permit yourself to suspend any thought about solving the problem that initiated the flooding. You’ll be better able to work on it if you allow a break, regain your calm, and get some distance on it.

For partners, it’s good to agree on taking a break and tabling a conversation until later or the next day if necessary. Everything doesn’t need to be resolved right now.

Prepare ahead for the next round.

If the situation is an ongoing issue, you must prepare before diving in again. Take some time to consider what you could do to prevent flooding next time. You might identify the trigger that led to the problem in the first place. Or maybe set rules for discussion if the problem involves a relationship issue.

It’s worth taking the time to investigate and plan ahead. Being flooded means being out of control of your emotions and behavior, so it’s important to prevent it when possible.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Articles to help with communication:
The Antidote to Being Defensive
7 Tips to Improve Your Communication Skills

Photo by AntonioGuillem, Courtesy of iStock Photo (photo edited)

Today we’re talking about “trust.” Let me start by saying that this subject comes up in therapy more than any other. It seems to be a universal issue that many people struggle with, not only personally but on a social/societal level as well.

That said, it’s important to be able to trust those close to us and those who have a significant impact on our lives. We’re wired to connect and, as a species, cannot survive alone. Therefore trust is necessary for our survival and, more importantly, our ability to flourish.

It’s a vast subject, but for this blog, I’m outlining nine characteristics of trustworthy people. You can use this guide to help assess who you can trust and who you can’t, as well as help increase your own trustworthiness.

Let’s start with a definition.

What is trust?

I found this definition while reading Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart. She was quoting Charles Feltman, who wrote The Thin Book of Trust: An Essential Primer for Building Trust at Work. He defines trust as:

Choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.

He goes on to define distrust as concluding that:

What is important to me is not safe with this person in this situation (or any situation).

The key words are vulnerability, risk, and safety. Trust means you feel safe enough to risk being vulnerable with someone. It also means you’re putting yourself in a position where you could be hurt or betrayed.

Now let’s go through the specific characteristics of trustworthiness that will help you evaluate that risk.

9 Characteristics of Trustworthiness

1. Caring and Empathy

You have the other person’s best interest at heart as well as your own. Your actions and decisions reflect that. You can empathize with another’s feelings and point of view. You’re respectful and compassionate and avoid actions that are harmful or hurtful. You can be relied upon to consider the other person’s needs.

2. Integrity

You’re honest and transparent. You say what you mean and mean what you say. You’re authentic and reveal who you are with consistency. You’re the same person in every setting. There’s a feeling of solidity reflected in your expression of ideas, values and beliefs, expectations, and interests. Anyone speaking of you would say similar things about you. You’re true to what you believe and don’t back down from that to fit in. You’re sincere.

3. Boundaries

You both set and respect boundaries. Boundaries that honor your values, time, behavior, and expectations are clear. You’re mindful of other people’s boundaries as well and keep them. You don’t cross the line.

4. Reliability

You do what you say you’ll do. That means not taking on more than you can deliver and thinking carefully before saying yes to something. You fact-check yourself before speaking. You can use information, think rationally, and exert a balance between thoughts and emotions so that your spoken words and actions are responsible and considerate.

5. Accountability

You recognize your mistakes and can admit to them. If you do something that impacts someone negatively, you’re quick to apologize and make amends. You acknowledge your common humanity with others and don’t put yourself above anyone. You attend to your responsibilities to others and can consider the consequences of your actions upfront.

6. Confidentiality

When someone tells you something, you keep it to yourself. You’re a good listener; others know they can count on your discretion. You don’t divulge confidences. You also don’t engage in rumor mills, gossip, or negative talk about other people.

7. Open-Minded and Non-Judgmental

You’re open to different views and ideas. You can enjoy debating ideas comfortably with others without personalizing, and you respect the rights of others to express their thoughts and feelings, even when these are contrary to what you think and feel. You’re able to adjust your views with new evidence or information.

8. Vulnerability

You have the capacity for intimacy. You can be vulnerable to those you trust and share your innermost feelings and needs as they can with you.

9. Generosity

1. In Brené Brown’s words, you offer the “most generous interpretation to the intentions, words, and action of others.”
2. You’re selfless in your willingness to help. You enjoy bringing out the best in others and helping them be their best selves. You don’t focus on limitations.
3. You don’t withhold. You’re cooperative, collaborative, and share information freely.
4. You show appreciation for others’ successes and talents and give credit where credit’s due.

How does trust develop?

You may sense that you can trust someone right off the bat, but the deepening and strength of trust happen through repeated experiences and interactions.

You can work through breaches of trust, but it will depend on the nature of the breach and the steps taken to evaluate what led to the violation. It also depends on the willingness of the person involved to make amends with sincerity and behavior change. Someone being late to events will be much easier to fix than someone cheating on their partner.

The capacity to trust is learned (or not) early on. It’s the first major developmental milestone encountered during infancy and continues throughout childhood. People who lack a basic sense of trust in their family of origin will have greater difficulty learning to trust others and may also have trouble being trustworthy. Trust is challenging for people with insecure or avoidant attachment styles. In these cases, therapy can be beneficial. It requires insight and re-learning over time.

You can work on it yourself using the guidelines in this article, but as you’ll note, real trustworthiness also involves other skills such as:

• The capacity to feel empathy and compassion
• Perceive and respond positively to the needs of others
• Have a consistent, well-developed personality structure
• Embrace the values of honesty, non-harm, responsibility for your actions, and integrity
• Be self-aware of your thoughts and feelings and how they influence your behavior

In short, being trustworthy means being emotionally intelligent and feeling connected with and responsible to others. That felt connection makes you desire to be trustworthy and seek out those you can trust.

Can you be partially trustworthy?

Yes. It’s not an all-or-nothing proposition. You can be very accomplished in some areas of trustworthiness and not so much in others. You might be great at caring, keeping confidences, and being generous, yet not so much with reliability.

Most of us can point to some aspects of trust we feel confident about and others that need work. That’s normal. Having a list to work with helps you recognize where you can make improvements, and doing so will help you with your relationships, whether romantic, familial, friendships or work-related.

The best way to use these guidelines is to work first on yourself. As you go through your daily life and interact with your family, partners, friends, or work colleagues, step back and evaluate how your actions measure up. Where are you automatically behaving in a trustworthy manner, and where do you need to make improvements?

You might be surprised! Most people are. We tend to think of ourselves as trustworthy, and likely are in many respects, but not across the board.

You can also use the guide to evaluate who you can be vulnerable with and how much. If you’re the type of person who trusts easily, you might find the guide helps you be more discerning before jumping in.

Conversely, you might find your inability to trust has more to do with your history than your current relationships. Taking a close look will help you figure out where you need to intervene or if you need some help working on the issue.

That’s all for today.

As always, I hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by georgeclerk, Courtesy of iStock Photos

Life is rarely a smooth road. Sometimes things go how you want them to, and other times you hit significant obstacles and feel stuck. You feel stalled.

Getting stuck can be temporary but can also extend out in time and create a chasm that feels insurmountable. This kind of “stuck” requires some effort to change. You can’t just wait it out.

How do you turn that around?

I could tell you to pull yourself up by the bootstraps, as my parents (and their whole generation) might have said to me if I were stuck, but I don’t think that’s too helpful. It helps to break up the feeling of helplessness first, which isn’t always easy.

To do that, it’s best to take small, consistent steps to generate energy and momentum while lifting your emotions and putting you back in the driver’s seat.

Here are the steps I’d suggest you try.

Step #1: Describe the problem in detail.

What exactly is it that you wish to be different? Get very specific. Visualize it and write it out. What would your life look like if you could change your circumstances right now? As you do this exercise, prioritize the changes you’d like to see. What’s at the top of your list?

Step #2: Identify the barriers between what you want and where you are.

This one’s a little trickier. It helps to divide your barriers into two groups:

1. External barriers
2. Internal barriers

External barriers pertain to things in your environment. Possibilities are your job, relationships, finances, where you live, health, etc. You exert some control over these areas, but other factors and people also have input.

Internal barriers are under your control. They include emotional baggage leftover from your upbringing, stories you tell yourself about you and your circumstances, mental health issues, habits, subconscious messages you project that others pick up on, and self-doubt.

You must identify the barriers in both categories to make any change in your life.

Most people are reasonably good at identifying the external barriers but give less thought to the internal ones, which keeps them stuck. The internal barriers are more powerful, but fortunately, you can remove them.

Step #3: Start by identifying your internal barriers.

The stories you tell yourself about your external circumstances can have more power than the circumstances themselves, and it’s essential to become aware of your narratives and evaluate how they’re influencing your actions or, in some cases, lack of action. In what ways are these stories keeping you stuck and holding you hostage?

Start by doing some deep thinking and making a list of the internal barriers holding you back. Here are some possibilities to get you started.

1. Dysfunctional Habits.

What habits do you have that zap your energy and keep you from taking action?

2. Messages you project.

You might be projecting messages to others about yourself that they, in turn, feed back to you.

This one’s not easy, but it’s important. If you find yourself without friends, for example, what are you telling yourself about this? You might blame others and think they don’t appreciate you for who you are. Or, conversely, you might have grown up as an only child and spent a lot of time alone and now subconsciously send the message that you’re not available. Or maybe you’re projecting depression and neediness.

What messages do you project? Who do you present when you’re out there?

The best way to get at this one is to identify what you don’t like about how others treat you and then ask yourself what you might be doing to perpetuate that treatment. This isn’t about blaming yourself but rather figuring out what’s in the way of what you want.

It’s also essential to evaluate how you see yourself. Because that evaluation is subconsciously communicated to people you interact with, and they will inevitably mirror it right back.

3. Victim consciousness.

If you grew up being victimized, you might hang on to past experiences and blame your current circumstances on them. You facilitate repetitive experiences by maintaining a picture of yourself as a victim right now. You see what’s going on now as something out of your control.

4. All-or-nothing thinking.

This one’s a killer. If you can’t see how to change the entire picture, you won’t take any action because it won’t take you to the finish line. Things don’t work this way. Change is incremental. It’s one step at a time. Let go of the all-or-nothing mindset, and along with that, throw out perfectionism with it. They feed off each other.

Step #3 – Take action.

Start by identifying your strengths.

What do you have right now that will be an asset to meet your goal?

If you’ve done the above exercise, the first strength you can list is your ability to be honest with yourself and make use of insight. That’s a biggie! You can use it throughout the process.

List any skills that will help, habits you already have, and talents you might use.

Next, choose a specific action you can take that will begin moving you in the right direction.

You’ll note that I didn’t tell you to make a master plan of everything you need to do to change your situation. That’s on purpose. Master plans are overwhelming. If you could use those, you would already have done that and wouldn’t be reading this article.

Start with a single, small, concrete action.

Choose something you can do that doesn’t rely on someone else’s participation. That’s important because waiting on another person to make a decision or help change something will keep you stuck.

If you want to declutter your house, choose one specific thing you can get rid of and do that. Clean out your closet, but not your spouse’s stuff. Work on decluttering any part of the house you can with no one else’s input.

If you want a new career, evaluate what skills you need to acquire and start with one online course.

If you want to improve your health, start with walking 15 minutes per day, five days a week. Make it fun by listening to music while you do it.

If you want more friends, consider joining a group of some sort doing something you like where you’ll meet like-minded people: a church group, book club, exercise class at your gym, writing, cooking class – anything that will put you in contact with other people while doing something fun. It’s easier to make friends around an activity than at social events.

Do one thing at a time.

Pick something and do it. Don’t worry about whether it will get you to your big vision.

What happens when you take some small action and keep taking small steps is that the bigger problem breaks down, and unforeseen changes help you along the way.

It’s like driving in the fog. Just keep going even though you can’t see the destination. The way will clear as you go, your momentum will pick up, and you’ll make headway.

While doing this, set up three check-ins with yourself each day. Put them on your calendar if you like, and make it the same time every day. During these check-ins, correct any negative stories you’re telling yourself, review your progress, and reset your mindset if necessary.

One last thing.

If feeling stuck has to do with relationship issues, and you don’t feel that whoever’s involved is interested in making changes, then seek some counseling yourself. Get some help sorting through what’s keeping you stuck and what you might do to change this. If the relationship is toxic, by all means, do this.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Dilok Klaisataporn, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Dopamine is often referred to as the “feel-good” neurotransmitter because it’s involved in helping you feel pleasure as part of the brain’s reward system. It doesn’t actually produce pleasure, but it’s released when you feel pleasure, thus rewarding you and encouraging you to repeat that same behavior.

If you have a smartphone, you’ll know what this means. You look at your phone, find something of interest that gives you a jolt of pleasure, and put it back down. In no time, you pick it up again, looking for that same hit of dopamine, and continue this process repeatedly, always with the hope that something new pops up.

Dopamine has two sides:

1. It influences motivation, movement, memory, focus and attention, sleep, well-being, and behavior regulation.
2. It can also facilitate addiction, aggression, anxiety, and stress.

In the first case, you work on a creative project and with each step forward, you feel the pleasure of accomplishment. Dopamine encourages you to keep going by stimulating your motivation and concentration, and rewarding you as you go. This is the upside.

In the second case, you sit at a gambling table in a casino and throw your dice. The anticipation of winning stimulates dopamine and rewards your behavior, even in the face of loss. With repeated loss and attempts, you become stressed and anxious, yet you don’t stop. This is the downside.

The Goal

The way to make the best use of dopamine is to encourage its natural production with healthy habits, so it does its job without negative repercussions.

The goal is to stimulate energy, focus, and motivation while maintaining emotional equilibrium and a sense of well-being.

The wrong way to produce dopamine is via drugs like cocaine, excessive gaming, gambling, or any activity that has a potential for addiction.

How do I know if I’m low on dopamine?

The most common symptoms of dopamine deficiency are:

• Low energy
• Lack of motivation
• Inability to concentrate
• Low sex drive
• Moodiness – feeling blah or anxious
• Muscle cramps
• Stiffness
• Difficulty sleeping
• Loss of balance
• Weight loss or weight gain
• Hallucinations

Many of these symptoms can have other causes, but it doesn’t hurt to increase your dopamine naturally to see if you can get some relief.

Here are seven things you can try.

1. Exercise.

Exercise, particularly aerobic exercise, increases dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine levels (Ratey, 2008). You get the benefits of all three simultaneously in a balanced symphony of performance.

Dopamine and norepinephrine supply energy, arousal, attention, motivation, and reward. Serotonin keeps your mood steady and impulsivity in check. You get the perfect cocktail to produce calm energy, inspiration, and a sense of well-being.

Brisk walking, a turn on the treadmill, or any full-body activity such as dancing, running, or playing tennis can set you up to perform well on activities that require concentrated focus and brain work. Think of it as happy motivation with laser attention.

Other exercises that enhance dopamine and serotonin production are Yoga and Tai Chi. These exercises improve balance, a lack of which is one of the signs of low dopamine.

2. Meditate.

Several studies show the positive effects of meditation on dopamine production. One study found a 65% increase in dopamine release during the performance of Yoga Nidra, a particular type of meditation known as “yogic sleep.” It involves intense relaxation.

A second study conducted on Transcendental Meditation showed that regular meditation resulted in a decrease in “anxiety and stress (due to the decrease in cortisol and noradrenaline levels), and increased sensation of pleasure and well-being (due to an increase in the synthesis and release of dopamine and serotonin).”

The third study on mindfulness meditation found an increase in dopamine and melatonin and a reduction in cortisol and norepinephrine during meditative states.

Although all of these studies used relatively short time frames for finding their results, your best bet is to make meditation a regular daily practice, even if only for 10 minutes.

Consistency is more important than the amount of time. You can increase as you go, but start small and keep it going.

3. Listen to music.

Several research studies have shown that listening to music we love or that “gives us chills” is accompanied by a dopamine release in the brain’s reward system. Interestingly, the dopamine release seems to occur when we’re anticipating a favorite part of the song or piece during the time leading up to it.

The release of dopamine often occurs in response to anticipatory thoughts and emotions. Looking forward to a future event, the climax in a piece of music, or a good grade on an exam all reward us emotionally.

I play my favorite classical music when I cook but never put together the idea that this ritual increased my dopamine production. Likely the same thing happens when someone combines exercise with their favorite playlist. In that case, you get a double whammy!

4. Get enough sunlight.

Sunlight is a tricky proposition, especially for those of us who live in more tropical climates. You need it, but you must be careful not to overdo it because of the dangers associated with skin cancer.

Yet, not getting enough sunlight affects your levels of Vitamin D and the production of mood-boosting neurotransmitters in your brain.

One study followed 68 healthy adults who received more sunlight exposure than a control group for 30 days. The first group had the highest density of dopamine receptors in the reward areas of their brains.

The rub, of course, is that you can get similar results in tanning beds; however, these come with dangerous side effects and can be addictive.

The bottom line is some regular sun and Vitamin D supplementation. However, make sure you have routine bloodwork to check your levels of Vitamin D if you are supplementing.

5. Eat protein-rich foods.

Certain foods play critical roles in the production of dopamine. Specifically, the amino acid tyrosine has a starring role. A second amino acid – phenylalanine – assists in the production of tyrosine (Whitbread, 2022).

These amino acids are found in protein-rich foods. If you’re a meat-eater, you get them from these and some dairy sources. If you have a plant-based diet, you can get adequate amounts of tyrosine and phenylalanine from soy and legumes. Tofu is an excellent source! Bananas and avocados are also excellent sources!

6. Reduce saturated fat and chronic sugar intake.

Research has indicated that diets high in saturated fat negatively affect dopamine transmission (the transmission of signals between neurons). Further, “obesity has been linked to reduced dopamine release and reuptake,” (Wallace & Fordahl, 2021).

In other words, reduce saturated fat in your diet. Stick with mono- and unsaturated fats. If you eat whole foods as much as possible, you automatically reduce fat.

Sugar increases dopamine. However, if intake is regular over time, an opposite effect occurs: the number of receptors reduces, and dopamine release may be negatively affected. Stick to fresh fruits if possible. They’ll give you a boost in glucose which is a source of energy. As always, moderation is a good policy.

7. Get enough sleep.

Dopamine is associated with wakefulness, and in the natural cycles of sleep, dopamine release decreases at night when you’re going to sleep and is more active in the early hours of the morning before waking up.

However, you throw everything off when you disrupt sleep patterns by either getting too little sleep or sleeping at odd hours. Studies on sleep deprivation have shown changes in our D2 receptors, which are the receptors associated with wakefulness. D2 receptor binding was found to be lower in sleep-deprived people, meaning decreased amounts of dopamine.

All of this just means getting good sleep during regular sleeping hours (between 10 and 7), and going to bed no later than midnight (if you can sleep until 8).

That’s the list!

As always, I hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

_{Esch, T. (December 2013). The neurobiology of meditation and mindfulness. In S. Schmidt & H. Walach (Eds.), Meditation-Neuroscientific approaches and philosophical implications (pp. 153-173). Springer International Publishing. DOI:10.1007/978-3-319-01634-4_9}

_{Kiaer, T. W., Bertelsen, C., Piccini, P., Brooks, D., Alving, J., and Lou, H. C. (April 2022). Increased dopamine tone during meditation-induced change of consciousness. Cognitive Brain Research 13(2), 255-259. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0926-6410(01)00106-9}

_{Kühn, S., Düzel, S., Colzato, L., Norman, K., Gallinat, J., Brandmaier, A. M., Lindenberger, U., and Widaman, K. F. (December 18, 2017). Food for thought: Association between dietary tyrosine and cognitive performance in younger and older adults. Psychological Research 83, 1097-1106. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00426-017-0957-4}

_{Lieberman, D. Z and Long, M. E. (2018). The molecule of more. BenBella Books.}

_{Mosini, A. C., Saad, M., Braghetta, C. C., Medeiros, R., Peres, M. F. P., and Leão, F. C. (2019). Neurophysiological, cognitive-behavioral and neurochemical effects in practitioners of transcendental meditation – A literature review. Rev. Assoc. Med. Bras. 65(5) 706-713. http://dx.doi.org/10.1590/1806-9282.65.5.706}

_{Ratey, J. J. & Hagerman E. (2008). Spark: The revolutionary new science of exercise and the brain. Little, Brown and Company.}

_{Salimpoor, V., Benovoy, M., Larcher, K., Dagher, A, and Zatorre, R. J. (2011). Anatomically distinct dopamine release during anticipation and experience of peak emotion to music. Nature Neuroscience 14, 257-262. https://doi.org/10.1038/nn.2726}

_{Stanwood, G. D. (2019). Chapter 9 – Dopamine and Stress. In F. Fink (Ed.), Stress: Physiology, biochemistry, and pathology (105-114). Academic Press. https://doi.org/10.1016/B978-0-12-813146-6.00009-6}

_{Tsai, H., Chen, K. C., Yang, Y. K., Chen, P. S. Yeh, T. L, Chiu, N. T., and Lee, I. H. (January 2011). Sunshine-exposure variation of human striatal dopamine D2/D3 receptor availability in healthy volunteers. Progress in Neuro-Psychopharmacology and Biological Psychiatry. 35(1), 107-110. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pnpbp.2010.09.014}

_{Volkow, N. D., Tomasi, D., Wang, G., Telang, F., Fowler, J. S., Logan, J., Benveniste, H., Kim, R., Thanos, P. K., and Ferré, S. (May 2012). Evidence that sleep deprivation downregulates dopamine D2R in ventral striatum in the human brain. The Journal of Neuroscience 32(19), 6711-6717. doi: 10.1523/JNEUROSCI.0045-12.2012}

_{Wallace, C., & Fordahl, S. (2021). Obesity and dietary fat influence dopamine neurotransmission: Exploring the convergence of metabolic state, physiological stress, and inflammation on dopaminergic control of food intake. Nutrition Research Reviews, 1-16. doi:10.1017/S0954422421000196}

_{Watson, S. (July 20, 2021). Dopamine: The pathway to pleasure. Harvard Women’s Health Watch. https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/dopamine-the-pathway-to-pleasure}

_{Whitbread, D. (April 24, 2022). Top 10 foods highest in tyrosine. https://www.myfooddata.com/articles/high-tyrosine-foods.php}

Photo by Suriyawut Suriya, Courtesy of Shutterstock

I recently overheard a conversation between two women. One was describing an emotionally painful incident to the other. The woman listening replied, “You poor thing,” while frowning and down-turning her mouth (making a sad face). The woman telling her story became quiet, and there was an awkward pause. I kept moving at this point because I didn’t want to intrude, but it got me thinking.

Although the woman listening had good intentions, her response wasn’t really empathetic. It was an expression of pity and left the other woman feeling awkward and I’m guessing uncomfortable. She may have wished she hadn’t brought up the subject.

Feeling sorry for someone can make them feel worse.

There’s a one-up feeling of superiority when someone extends pity. “I feel sorry for you” creates distance between the person in pain and the person expressing pity. Here’s how Brené Brown describes it:

“There’s nothing worse than feeling pitied, and we have the research to show us why it feels so isolating. Pity involves four elements: a belief that the suffering person is inferior; a passive, self-focused reaction that does not include providing help; a desire to maintain emotional distance; and avoidance of sharing in the other person’s suffering,” (Brown, p. 120).

Empathy is the opposite of pity. With empathy, you:

1. Share someone’s pain.
2. Seek to understand their perspective.
3. Do what you can to help.

Sympathy is the third emotion in the trio, and like pity, it also has a distancing effect.

“I’m sorry you’re feeling that way, but I’m glad it’s not me.”

In both the cases of pity and sympathy, there’s no attempt to help alleviate or share the suffering. Those are essential aspects that differentiate empathy from pity and sympathy.

I’m certainly not criticizing anyone for trying to be sympathetic. We often don’t know what to do or say when someone’s in pain.

Today I’m going to give you some pointers on how to handle situations like this in a way that’s comfortable for you and helps the other person simultaneously.

Being Empathetic

There are four components to being empathetic. Let’s go through each, but before we start, keep in mind that empathy doesn’t involve fixing. You don’t need to fix the problem or fix the person. You may be asked for advice or help, and I’ll tell you how to know if and when you should offer that.

1. Understanding the Speaker’s Perspective.

This is what Brené Brown calls the cognitive component of empathy. It involves listening with an open mind and asking questions so that you understand how the speaker sees her situation. What’s her vision of what’s happening?

Your goal here is to understand more objectively what’s going on and why she’s upset or in pain.

Use questions to clarify, but don’t regale her with too many questions. It’s not an interrogation. Only ask what’s necessary to get the whole picture and help her unfold her story.

Listen with singular interest. Turn your body toward her, make eye contact, and keep still.

Empathy is attentiveness as much as it is understanding.

2. Willingness to Share Their Feelings

When you’re upset and tell someone how you feel, you want them to get it.

Being empathetic means being willing to share someone’s emotions.

You do this by drawing from your own history to understand what that person’s feeling. For example, you may not have had the exact same experience as the person talking, but you’ve had experiences that left you feeling the same or similar. Tap into that and feel along with them.

Listening with compassion means sharing someone’s suffering with them as they unfold it, so they don’t feel alone. By feeling along with them, you’re saying, “I can stand your pain.”

If you can stand their pain, they can stand it. That kind of support is immeasurable.

That’s a lot different than sympathy or pity, both of which are feeling sorry for someone but not feeling their pain. Empathy is connecting on a shared emotional level.

In a nutshell:

Be present, don’t feel like you need to fix something, and listen and feel what the other person is sharing with you.

The second part of sharing emotions is being able to communicate about them. When someone tells you what they’re feeling, say something back that lets them know you get it. “I can see how hard that was for you.” Or maybe you just say, “I get it!” It doesn’t have to be elaborate. Just let them know you see it and feel it through their lens.

3. Acceptance and Lack of Judgment

Empathy has no judgment. You accept how someone feels, and you validate it. It’s not about what’s right or wrong but about honoring someone else’s right to feel without restriction.

Have you had the experience of telling someone how you’re feeling about a situation, and they say something like, “You shouldn’t feel that way! It’s not good for you!”?

Doesn’t feel good, does it? Nope.

Being empathetic is listening, hearing, validating, and sharing.

You aren’t necessarily validating their view of the situation but validating how they feel about it.

Listening without judgment is powerful and often paves the way for someone to resolve some of those emotions or look at the situation differently as they work it out.

The worst thing you can do is launch a rebuttal about how the speaker “should” feel or why they should feel differently.

4. A Willingness to Help

Empathy includes a desire to help. Sometimes help is simply listening until the speaker experiences a shift in her emotions and feels soothed.

Other times, someone may ask you for something specific, such as advice or help to solve a problem.

If something more than listening is needed, don’t offer that until asked. It’s not empathetic to jump in and try to fix something.

I’m sure you’ve had that experience – you’re explaining how your feel about something, and the listener dives in with all kinds of advice about what you should do. You hear, “I don’t want to deal with your feelings,” or “I’m very uncomfortable with this.” It’s very off-putting and feels like a rejection. It might also make you angry.

Conversely, getting too caught up in the other person’s feelings is also not helpful. Empathy isn’t about immersing yourself in another person’s emotions. It’s about experiencing them from a place of mindfulness.

You feel them, but they pass through you. You contain the feelings for a while, so the other person gets some emotional space and then lets them go.

The Paradox

Being empathetic is a bit of a paradox.

• You feel along with the other person but don’t get swept away.
• You listen with acute attentiveness but still maintain objectivity so you can understand the other person’s vision of a situation.
• You help without feeling that you need to fix anything.
• You’re all the way in, yet not.

In doing all those, you serve as solid support for someone to feel and think their way through something. They have a partner, yet don’t expect you to make it all okay. They get compassion, understanding, and soothing. When done right, it’s exceptionally helpful!

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

_{Brown, Brené. Atlas of the Heart. Random House Publishing Group.}

_{Florian, V., Mikulincer, M., and Hirschberger, G. (1999). The Anatomy of a problematic emotion—The conceptualization and measurement of the experience of pity. Imagination, Cognition and Personality, 19(1), 3–25. https://doi.org/10.2190/4JG9-M79P-HJYK-AQNE}

_{Goleman, D. (2006). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. Bantam Books.}

_{Kisling, J. (2018, November 6). The difference between empathy and sympathy. Psychiatric Medical Care. https://www.psychmc.com/articles/empathy-vs-sympathy}

_{Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032}

_{Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. HarperCollins Publishers.}

_{Wiseman, T. (1996). A concept analysis of empathy. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 23(6), 1162-67. doi: 10.1046/j.1365-2648.1996.12213.x.}

Photo by SIphotography, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Resentment is one of those pushy emotions that inserts itself into your psyche whether you like it or not. It’s unkind and stirs up other negative behaviors and emotions like judgment, anger, frustration, superiority, and envy.

Underneath it lies a layer of helplessness because when you feel resentful, you also usually feel paralyzed to do anything to change it. That’s why it’s so scratchy and irritating.

Today I’m going to break it down for you and tell you how to deal with it. Let’s start with causes.

Causes

The causes are varied. Some of the more common ones are:

1. Unfairness or inequity
2. Invasion of territory
3. Feeling dominated or held hostage
4. Being shunned, dismissed, demeaned, ignored, misunderstood, or belittled
5. Being taken advantage of

For example:

• Your co-worker regularly interrupts your train of thought with complaints and gossip.
• You carry more of the workload than another colleague, yet that person gets more accolades from the boss.
• You do more of the chores at home while your spouse spends time playing video games.
• You only hear from a friend when she needs something.
• You have no voice when it comes to work policies that affect you.

Not only do these situations lead to resentment, but they build over time because they’re repetitive, and you feel helpless to change them.

If we dig a little deeper, two primary issues lead to resentment. These are:

1. Not being recognized or valued
2. Envy

Not being recognized or valued

Any time you feel invaded, not taken seriously, taken advantage of, not considered or appreciated, or dismissed – you feel devalued.

There’s a sense of being less than everyone else, as though what you need is irrelevant while everyone else gets what they need.

It’s isolating and hurtful. And if this is an ongoing situation, it’s emotionally draining and damaging.

While resentment often creates anger and dissatisfaction, it can lead to depression when the causes are left unresolved.

Envy

I’ve been reading Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown, and she made a great point when talking about resentment. She said that resentment isn’t so much about anger that someone isn’t doing what they should, but rather that they get to do what you can’t.

If you’re working harder, the other person is getting to relax. You would like to be able to do that. You would like to be the one who’s taken care of, who gets the accolades, or whose feelings are considered.

Envy and resentment are best friends!

So what can you do?

Two Options

There are actually three options, but the third one is not advisable. It’s doing nothing and continuing to allow the resentment to build. There are consequences for taking this tact because it eventually damages relationships, job performance, or sometimes even your health.

The viable options are:

1. Do something to make a change
2. Let it go and focus elsewhere

Things You Can Do to Make a Change

Evaluate the situation.

What exactly do you resent? You need to name it and understand what’s driving your feelings about the situation before you can tackle it.

• Are you envious of something or someone?
• Are you feeling helpless, and if so, about what?
• Do you have expectations that aren’t being met?

In terms of this last one, you also have to ask whether or not the expectations are reasonable, including expectations of yourself or someone else.

The bottom line is to get clear on what it is you resent.

Set Boundaries

Once you know what’s driving the resentment, you’ll also see what you need to change if you want the feeling to resolve itself.

In most cases, resentment is related to a lack of boundaries.

This is particularly true when you feel taken advantage of, invaded, constantly interrupted, mistreated, or devalued. By not setting boundaries, you allow these behaviors to continue.

It’s hard to set boundaries if you aren’t used to or comfortable with voicing your thoughts and feelings. But there’s no other way, and setting boundaries is necessary at some point in everyone’s life. Once you do it and keep practicing, it will become second nature.

More importantly, when you set boundaries without hesitation, people won’t attempt to take advantage of you nearly as much. They can “feel you,” as the saying goes.

Tips for Setting Boundaries Effectively

To set boundaries doesn’t mean you have to go in trails blazing and erecting steel barriers. It means telling someone how you feel about what’s happening. To do that effectively, use those standard communication rules I’ve mentioned in past blogs:

• Use “I” messages – “When you do this, I feel this,” or “When this happens, I react with {whatever the emotion}.”
• Don’t attack – describe. Be specific. Say how you would like things to be. What do you need or want?
• Stay calm and be kind, yet firm.
• Ask how the other person feels about what you’re saying.

When you do that last thing, you invite the other person to add their thoughts and feelings to the discourse. It keeps you connected and helps to avoid things becoming adversarial.

You may find out something you didn’t know. Maybe the person doesn’t know they’re stepping on your toes. Not always, but sometimes.

It might take some negotiation or compromise if the subject is ongoing. However, you need to decide what’s negotiable or not and then make that clear.

Either way, just saying how you feel about something and what you need or want is very relieving, even if the response isn’t all you want it to be.

Letting Go

Sometimes you can let go of something without continuing to feel resentful. If so, do it.

In other cases, a situation may arise where there doesn’t seem to be a way to resolve the issue causing the resentment.

For example, you might have a co-worker who slacks on his work, and you take up that slack most of the time. If your boss isn’t willing to deal with the problem, and the co-worker is oblivious to your attempts to set boundaries, you might decide you can’t solve this problem. An alternative would be to let go of this job and find another that’s more suitable.

Sometimes you have to cut your losses because fighting the situation will not be fruitful.

In a case like this, it might take more time to make the changes you need to make, but deciding to begin working on a course of action will help you move away from the resentment and put your energy into your next steps. Taking action is pivotal in breaking through the feelings of helplessness.

The Takeaway

Resentment is an alarm to inform you that there’s a situation requiring some action on your part. When you feel it, don’t let it fester.

Always check first to see if the resentment’s misplaced. Are your conclusions about the situation accurate? Are you projecting some of your issues onto someone else and then resenting them for what’s actually your problem? It may be that there are issues on both sides.

Once you’re clear on that, decide what action you need to take. Write out steps if that helps. Talk to someone you trust if that helps determine how to go about it, but stop venting and do something. You’ll feel better!

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

PS – For more help with setting boundaries, click here to read How to Set Boundaries and Why You Should

Photo by sdominick, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Have you had the experience of conversing with someone, and they make an off-handed comment that quickly heats you up and sends you into a rage?

Or maybe the remark was seemingly innocuous but smacked of criticism. Before you could stop yourself, your eyes filled with tears, and you felt like you needed to be anywhere but where you were right then.

In both cases, your emotions took on a life of their own and had control over you.

This happens to almost everyone at one time or another, but it happens a lot for some. It’s uncomfortable. The bigger problem is that it can lead to an impulsive response you later wish you could take back.

So what do you do when it happens?

There’s not a simplistic solution to this one because there’s usually a lot driving it, but there are some things you can do to tamp down your reactivity.

Let’s start by identifying what those sparks are about.

The Triggers

Most likely, you become reactive in particular situations, and this is because there are specific triggers that set you off.

The first step in handling the problem is figuring out what those triggers are.

You can do this by reviewing any situation where you became emotionally reactive and maybe lost your cool – hopefully, one that’s fresh so you can remember details.

Once you have the incident in mind, go through the following steps. I would suggest writing this out so you can see what you have to work with.

1. Identify the words, gestures, or statements that initiated the reaction.

Write out a description with as much detail as you can – what you said, what the other person said, and any behaviors that triggered you, such as body language.

2. Identify and describe your reaction, both outward and inward.

In other words, what did you say or do? What did you think, feel, and say to yourself? What did you feel bodily? For example, did you heat up, get cold, or maybe tremble? Did you close your fists?

3. Next, you want to identify the critical trigger that set you off.

If you’ve done a thorough job of the two above, you likely know what bothered you and how it made you feel. Then again, you may only be at the surface at this point. Keep drilling down until you get to the core feeling or issue that set you off. Where did this trigger originate?

Here’s an example:

You forgot to take out the trash the night before for pickup, and your spouse mentioned it to you in passing. You became enraged and defensive. He mildly commented that he wasn’t criticizing you – he just happened to notice because the trash can was still full, which surprised him. Still, you fretted and began a whole series of conversations in your head like this:

“Why am I the person who has to take out the trash? I make one little mistake, and the whole world teeters on its axle! Who does he think he is anyway? Is he so perfect? I think not! Couldn’t he have just let it go and offered to take over that job for me? I do everything, but does anyone appreciate that?”

So as we drill down into this situation, several things come to light:

• This woman is the go-to person in her relationship for orchestrating home stuff. She does more of that than does her husband.
• She also has a history of holding this position in her family. She’s the oldest child, did a lot of caretaking growing up, and had adult responsibilities way before she was old enough to take them on.
• This pattern continued as she moved into her early adulthood. She became the leader and manager of activities and events for her friends, extended family, and at her job.
• When she got married, she automatically took on these roles.

Now the trigger becomes clear. It’s not just about taking out the trash. It’s about this woman’s identity as a caretaker and manager, and resentment built up over the years for having to take on these roles.

She’s stuck between expecting herself to be all things to all people and also resenting the expectation. Her husband just lit up the smoldering ashes of the resentment. For her, perceived criticism threatens who she is and who she resents having to be. It’s a Catch-22.

And it’s complex.

What now?

In our example, the woman would need to examine her roles as caretaker and manager and decide what she wants to change. This task isn’t easy because these roles are embedded in how she sees herself.

1. She may decide, for example, that she doesn’t need to feel responsible for everything, and she can rely on others to take some of those responsibilities off her plate. However, this is a big identity shift and may take some time to get comfortable with.
2. She can also learn to set boundaries and say no to things that are too much.
3. She can recognize that she wasn’t upset because her husband noticed what she’d forgotten to do, but because she interpreted that event as a hit to her sense of self. She came down on herself and then projected it back out as her husband criticizing her.

The point of this story is that there is often a lot driving emotional reactivity. Sometimes your triggers are embedded in your identity, and these are harder to see and change. But you can do it. The key is awareness first, and then working through the emotions and beliefs that keep you there. Once you do that, the trigger loses its power and you no longer react to it.

Immediate Things You Can Do

1. Take a break.

If you’re outraged or overwhelmed in a situation, take a break. Don’t think twice about this. Just do it. It takes your brain at least 20 minutes to calm down when you get upset or so heated up that you can’t think objectively. Give yourself as much time as you need. Don’t think of this as a weakness. It’s a smart move!

2. Ask questions.

If you can stay in the conversation, switch from defending to asking questions of the other person. Again in our example, the wife could have said, “Did it bother you that the trash didn’t get taken this week?” If he responded that it did, she could say, “I’m sorry it did, but I’ve got too much going on. Would you be responsible for that next week?” Or if he says no, she could let it go. Either way, asking about it defuses emotional reactivity.

3. Watch your self-talk.

This woman could have just laughed it off and said, “Yep, my brain was too full. Next week I’ll get it.” Or she could say to herself, “Oh well, I can’t always get everything perfect and that’s fine.”

One Last Thing

Emotional reactivity is always related to some preconceived idea about how you should be, how someone else should be, or how things, in general, should be. Identify those expectations, and you’ll know where you need to intervene to be less reactive.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by baona, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Summer’s here! And that reminds me of summer reading assignments from school. Most kids hate them because, well, who wants to have homework during the summer? Probably no one, but I haven’t lost the summer reading habit. And when it’s voluntary, it’s not a problem.

Summer’s a good time to take stock of what I call “personal operations.” In other words, how’s your productivity and focus? Are you sticking to good habits and finishing things you start?

If not, this reading list will give you what you need to make changes that stick. I’ve got six titles in all, but I’ll admit I had a hard time limiting my list to just six. I’ve added some others at the end of the blog you can check out if you like.

My first book is all about habits.

1. Atomic Habits by James Clear

Atomic Habits is one of the most valuable books I’ve ever read, and I return to it often to remind myself of the steps that lead to creating and instilling new habits permanently. Clear begins with three ideas that run throughout the book:

1) Habits have compounding effects meaning they increase in power over time. These effects apply to negative patterns as well as positive ones.

2) The point of focus needs to be on process rather than outcomes. By building a system of incremental improvements daily, we reach goals.

3) Habits that stick become part of our identity.

He goes on to offer Four Laws to implement building new habits, and he details the specific actions to make that work and overcome obstacles that get in the way. It reads like a handbook for habit-building. And what a great handbook!

2. Finish by Jon Acuff

I’m great at starting but not so great at finishing. If that rings a bell for you, you’ll love this book!

Jon Acuff has a good grasp of the emotional issues that get in the way of finishing things you start, and he outlines all of them in detail. He hits especially hard on perfectionism and does it in a way that even a perfectionist can accept.

The book is full of strategies that are easy to use to keep you under the radar of your resistance. His approach is both powerful and useful. A big plus is that he writes with a lot of humor and is easy to read, so much so that you’ll want to finish this book!

3. Essentialism by Greg McKeown

There are some books everyone should read, and this one falls into that category. Greg McKeown presents a complete system and methodology for cleaning out life’s input and narrowing your focus down to what’s essential. He’s the Marie Kondo for decluttering your emotional home.

He divides the book into four sections: Essence, Explore, Eliminate and Execute. Under each, McKeown offers practical approaches and methods for successfully applying the main concepts. One of my favorites is the 90 Percent Rule. In his words:

“As you evaluate an option think about the single most important criterion for that decision, and then simply give the option a score between 0 and 100. If you rate it any lower than 90 percent, then automatically change the rating to 0 and simply reject it.”

His system is thoughtful, proactive, and easy to follow. Most of all, it’s an antidote to the overwhelm resulting from too much coming in from all sides. He shows you how to take charge of that and simplify. A must-read.

4. Deep Work by Cal Newport

Deep Work is the book to read if you have work that requires intensive brain power and concentration. Newport starts by making a distinction between “deep work” and “shallow work.”

Deep work is cognitively demanding and pushes your cognitive capabilities to their limit, whereas shallow work includes tasks you can perform while dealing with distractions. Think writing a paper versus catching up on emails.

From there, the book offers strategies for setting up an environment and system for engaging in deep work in time blocks when you’re most likely to be able to attend, focus and persevere. Newport’s methods work!

I use them regularly and have seen significant improvement in my output. I especially like scheduling your “deep work” time blocks first and then fitting in shallow work around those. The separation of the two is relieving and frees your mind to concentrate with greater success.

5. The War of Art by Steven Pressfield

These last two books on my list deal with resistance. The War of Art is one of those must-read books on the list for anyone who is or has tried to pursue a goal requiring sustained, engaged, creative effort.

His premise is that as soon as you decide to pursue a goal like creating a company, writing a book, learning to play an instrument, sticking to a diet, or anything that requires staying power, you’re met with both internal and external resistance that hammers at you throughout the process. It’s inevitable and happens to everyone.

He shows you all the ways this happens, many of which sneak in under your awareness radar, and then he tells you how to outsmart them. If there’s anything you want to accomplish, read this book first! It’s a brilliant book and hits you right between the eyes.

6. Grit by Angela Duckworth

Grit’s been on the New York Times bestseller list forever, and that’s because it’s a textbook for finding and growing passion for work through perseverance and commitment. Duckworth makes an important distinction between talent and grit and focuses on grit as the most necessary ingredient for success in any endeavor.

The book is comprehensive in its inclusion of work done by other researchers and authors including deliberate practice, the experience of “flow,” the growth mindset, and peak performance. Duckworth’s research is stellar, and she uses real-life examples throughout the book to illuminate the material.

“Grit” is the thing that gets us through failures, setbacks, and obstacles. Developing and sustaining it is crucial, and this book provides the steps to do that.

Other Books You Might Like

If you read a couple of books from the list above, you’ll benefit greatly and learn how to create a system that’ll work. However, here are a few other titles you might like.

Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence by Daniel Goleman
Effortless: Make It Easier to Do What Matters Most by Greg McKeown
The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck
Flow: A Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
The Practicing Mind by Thomas M. Sterner
Do the Work by Steven Pressfield (a short version of The War of Art)

All these books are worth reading, and you can read any of them leisurely over time. It depends on how you like to read nonfiction books, how dense the material is, and whether the subject matter targets your interest and needs.

I do know that reading any one of them will give you something you can use and raise your level of productivity and work satisfaction, regardless of what work you’re pursuing.

Happy reading!

I’ll see you next week!

All my best,

Barbara