Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

I recently decided to start some weight training, and I really enjoyed it. I felt stronger, more clearer-minded, and more energetic. So I did more. And more. And more. What happened? You guessed it! I injured myself and had to stop.

More is not always better. It’s fine up to a point, but if you keep pushing, you start to get diminishing returns. Less progress for more effort.

The key is recognizing the optimal point where you’re getting the most benefit from your effort, and then notice when you begin to move past it.

This phenomenon is called the Law of Diminishing Returns. It comes from economics, where it was found that increasing labor will increase production up to a point, and then production begins to drop off and continue dwindling with the same and more effort.

That’s just what happened with my exercise program.

Today I’ll show you four ways the Law of Diminishing Returns plays out in your daily life. When we finish, you’ll be able to identify and manage them, and save yourself a lot of unnecessary anguish.

1. Self-Improvement

It’s easy to get obsessive about self-improvement.

Instead of choosing one or two good strategies and working with them long enough to get the benefits, you reach for another and another. The more things you try, the less progress you make.

It doesn’t help that there is so much information available. It’s everywhere!

For example, you’ve got:

• Self-help books and blogs
• Lots of courses
• Tons of videos provided by psychologists
• Online counseling

All of those things can be quite helpful in the right amount at the right time.

Several good books are great. Maybe even five. But when you’ve read 30 or 40, the benefits decrease. You’ve got too many ideas rolling around in your head. It’s overwhelming.

Growth comes from the right amount of focus coupled with a few good strategies to try out long enough to see how they work for you.

Don’t let the next shiny sales pitch substitute for doing something you already have.

Best Practice:

Choose one thing to work on at a time.

Research it. Decide on a strategy to try, and then execute it. Test it out. If it isn’t working, you can try a different approach. But give it enough time first.

Also, while you’re testing, don’t overdo it. If you find yourself becoming obsessive or overly anxious about your progress, space it out some.

The idea is just enough focus to move the needle forward, but without excessive straining. You don’t want to break the needle!

2. Emotional Processing

A similar thing happens when you focus too much on your feelings.

Research has shown that self-awareness is ultimately good for you. It helps you regulate your emotions, gain clarity and insight into how you feel and why.

But focusing too intently on your emotions and constantly processing them leads eventually to overthinking, ruminating, and diminishing returns. It creates tunnel vision.

Instead of feeling better and more in control of your life, just the opposite happens. Your constant attention to your feelings makes you feel more chaotic or paralyzed. Awareness turns into rumination:

Examples are:

• Overthinking your behavior in specific situations
• Analyzing and re-analyzing conversations
• Getting lost in the past and obsessively hunting for reasons why you feel the way you do
• Becoming more self-critical rather than aware

All of those endeavors are good to a point. They’re helpful and provide clarity about who you are and who you want to be.

But when you find yourself overthinking and ruminating, you’ve gone past the point of gaining benefits. You’re lost in it.

Best Practice:

When you find yourself lost in overthinking or ruminating, you have three options to interrupt it and take back control.

1. As soon as you catch yourself, firmly tell yourself to stop. Sometimes that’ll work.
2. Distract yourself by engaging in another activity that requires attention, enough that you stop thinking for a while.
3. Talk it through with someone else. Talking to another person helps get it out of your head and gain some perspective. It acts as a safety valve, providing an opportunity to reset.

3. Relationships

In relationships, the Law of Diminishing Returns shows up when you place excessive attention or demands on the other person.

For example:

• You seek out reassurance from your partner too often. Doing this occasionally builds closeness, but too much can drive you apart.
• You text every hour, or call too many times in a day. Whereas one or two check-ins might feel good and show caring.
• You want to have a serious or deep conversation every night after work.
• You constantly run a list in your head about what needs improving, and bring it up often. One conversation becomes ten about the same thing.

These examples all take something that can be a positive factor toward building a good relationship, but used excessively have the opposite effect.

At a certain point, caring becomes hovering. Improvements become criticism. The need for reassurance becomes insecurity. Too much contact becomes anxiety or control.

Best Practice:

A helpful strategy is to check in with yourself regarding your motivation for your actions or behaviors.

Two good questions to ask are:

1. What’s motivating me to keep doing this?
2. Is this behavior improving the relationship, or am I using it to avoid my anxiety?

If persistent anxiety is driving the behavior, consider talking to a therapist. Repetitive anxiety about a relationship is difficult to sort out on your own, often because the underlying causes are complex.

Another strategy is to change the behavior in question and see what the effect is. For instance, stop asking for reassurance all the time, texting too often, or focusing exclusively on problems. Try it and see what happens. You might find out your worries were exaggerated.

Last, make sure you notice what’s going well as much as what’s not.

4. Productivity

This last one is probably the one you’re most familiar with.

One of our culture’s mantras is “Work harder!” If you work harder, longer, and relentlessly, you’ll succeed.

How many stories have you heard about successful people who work at a single thing every day for long hours in order to become the virtuosos they are?

We love these stories! They give us hope. They show us what’s possible. And they’re real.

However, there’s a way to do it.

You have to work smart. You need to learn how to gauge when you’re beginning to see diminishing returns as you work, and then shift gears.

A psychology professor friend of mine struggles with this. She teaches, writes grants, and mentors her grad students. She can work in 10-hour stretches, and often does. However, she has learned that at a certain point, she begins to get less done in the same amount of time. Her thinking capacity diminishes with more effort, and even after she stops working, her mind continues ruminating for hours, even disrupting her sleep.

Her experience isn’t an anomaly. It’s what happens to most of us during similar circumstances.

There’s a point where progress begins to recede. And if you keep pushing through that, it can drop further and have negative effects. Such as health issues, sleep problems, excessive fatigue, confusion, anxiety, and depression in some cases.

The graph below shows you how this works. The top star in the yellow section is the pivot point where diminishing returns shift downward, creating negative impacts.

Best Practice:

When you notice that you’re rereading the same paragraph, making careless mistakes, struggling to think clearly, or taking twice as long to accomplish half as much, pay attention. You’ve likely crossed the pivot point.

Take a break, stop for the day, or whatever you need to do to allow your brain and body to rest. And don’t resume until you’re back on the right side of the graph.

Do your hardest tasks at the optimal time of day for you when your brain works best.

Avoid procrastination that puts you in deadline purgatory so that you’re forced into working through diminishing returns.

Trick or Treat?

Being aware of the Law of Diminishing Returns is helpful, but it’s not quite enough. You have to be aware of its lure. It’s like “trick or treat!”

The treat is that when you are on the front side of the curve, you feel good! You’re getting a lot done, you’re in the groove, you’re seeing results. Naturally, you want to keep going.

It’s also the trick. Because that success you’re experiencing convinces you that doing more will produce even more. You don’t notice that you’ve crossed the pivot point because you’ve been working so well.

That’s the lure.

The goal is to know when enough is enough.

And that takes practice and self-awareness. The more you watch yourself, the easier it is to know when to step back.

A Good Way to Break It Up

There’s a psychological phenomenon called “regression in service of the ego.” An example would be taking a day off, reading novels, or binge-watching a favorite TV show while lounging on the couch.

Sometimes a little regression yields a fresh outlook and a burst of energy and productivity. I wrote more about why this works and how to use it ​here​.

Try it!

That’s all for today.

Have a great two weeks!

All my best,
Barbara

Photo by Age Cymru on Unsplash

When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, it’s easy to start focusing more on what’s going wrong than on what’s going right.

Especially little things like personality quirks, things that irritate you, less warmth, less attention, less time.

However, no matter what state your relationship is in, there are three things you can do right now that will quickly improve it.

All three will help you notice what’s good and working, and give you something to build on. They’ll infuse positive energy into the relationship and bolster your connection with each other.

We’ll start with the easiest one.

1. Listening with Interest and Acceptance

Listening is a powerful way to connect with someone if you know how to do it correctly.

Here’s how to do it the right way:

When the other person is talking to you, get into an investigative mode.

Your goal is to fully understand what the other person thinks, feels, and needs. You’re not evaluating, solving problems, debating, or adding input at this point.

You’re gathering information. Only!

You ask questions, listen to the responses, repeat them back, and ask more questions based on what you’re hearing.

And you’re doing all of this with an open mind and a desire to understand. The focus is wholly on the other person.

To do that, you have to temporarily set aside your point of view and your need to respond. So put them on the back burner for now.

To make your investigation comfortable for the other person and encourage them to open up with you, you must do two other things:

1. Show interest in what you’re hearing.
2. Be accepting of the person you’re listening to.

Showing Interest

If you’re truly interested in what’s being said, it’s easy to ask questions and respond with empathy and understanding.

If you’re not, you can still do that even if you don’t have a strong interest in the topic.

You’re interested in the person, so you listen because it’s important to them and because you want to know what’s on their mind.

If you have kids who chat with you, you know how this works. They can talk for hours about something you’re not the least bit interested in.

My son used to explain in detail his performance in a video game he liked. Details and more details. It was a bit grueling to sit through, but showing interest and asking him a few questions along the way so he knew I was listening made him feel connected to me and valued.

He felt loved. It was worth the time.

With an adult, you can set some mild limits if need be. For example, if your husband wants to launch into a political rant (which he does often), you could agree to give him fifteen minutes of your full attention, but not an hour.

That’s a compromise, but it does the job. You’re telling him, “I know it’s important for you to talk about this, and I’m here for you. But too much negative energy isn’t good for either of us.”

Either way, listen with your full attention and interest.

Showing Acceptance

To accept may feel more difficult. Let me clarify.

You’re not accepting the other person’s point of view. You might agree or not, but that’s not the focus of listening. You’re recognizing that the other person has their own thoughts, feelings, interests, needs, and conclusions.

You’re accepting who they are and respecting their right to think and feel what they do.

Listening does not imply agreement. It conveys caring and respect.

A caveat: This doesn’t apply to someone you don’t want to interact with or don’t respect. That’s a different story. We’re talking here about someone you have a relationship with and want to continue. It’s someone who’s important to you.

Okay. Let’s go on to the second thing.

2. Be Kind

You may be a kind person, but when you’re close to someone, it’s easier to let go of kindness without realizing it.

Here are some of the ways this happens.

Nitpicking. You focus on the little things they do that you don’t like, such as personality quirks and habits that get on your nerves. So you get in the habit of pointing them out. Maybe you have some good points, but when nitpicking takes precedence over the things you like about the other person, the equilibrium in the relationship shifts downward, and negativity seeps in and sets up shop.

Sarcasm. Sarcasm can be fun if both people are laughing and find it amusing, but often it’s got a sting to it. Even if it is acceptable to both of you, too much can lead to ill feelings and antagonism. It should be used very sparingly, if at all.

Nagging. Nagging fits in with nitpicking, but it’s got a little more punch because you’re focused on things you want the other person to change or do. Nagging is ineffective because it sets up a power struggle. The more you nag, the more the other person turns you off. They may avoid you, temporarily placate you, or do what you want, but with anger and resentment.

Criticizing. Criticizing is a step up from both nagging and nitpicking. It’s a direct, negative commentary on the other person. Not just on what they’re doing or not doing, but on who they are. It’s an assault on one’s sense of self.

Contempt. This is the worst of the lot. You show contempt when you roll your eyes, attack, mock, show disrespect, ridicule, and mean it. Contempt humiliates, demeans, and erodes someone’s good feelings toward you. It’s the quickest way to tank a relationship.

What to do instead?

Instead of using any of these strategies to get someone to do what you want or to stop doing something you don’t want, have honest, open conversations that maintain respect and concern for each other.

Those conversations can be difficult, but for a relationship to flourish, you have to use behavior that’s kind toward each other, even when there’s a conflict.

A good rule is to always consider how what you’re saying or plan to say will impact the other person.

Even if you don’t like what’s going on, you can still show respect and consideration.

Another good strategy is to make small acts of kindness a daily habit.

Be deliberate about it. Make it a regular part of your interactions with the other person.

If you do that regularly, you’ll have a much easier time working through problems when they arise, and you’ll feel good about each other.

Think about someone who’s often kind to you.

Aren’t you more considerate of that person and more eager to please them than someone who nags you a lot? Of course you are. Because you feel valued and cared for by them, and you want to return the feeling.

Kindness begets kindness.

3. Show Appreciation

Showing appreciation is easy, and it has a lot of power.

Most people want to feel appreciated. In fact, one of the main complaints couples often have about each other is that they feel taken for granted and unappreciated.

It makes sense because we have an inborn negativity bias and we are naturally drawn to focusing on what’s wrong. It’s part of the survival mechanisms in our brains. So to notice more of what’s going right takes effort, but it pays off.

It’s also easy to assume that the other person knows what you appreciate about them.

Don’t assume. Express it. Often.

When someone feels appreciated, they’ll give more of themselves and be happier.

How to Use This

Select a relationship right now that you want to work on.

Write down everything you can think of that you appreciate about the other person, small things included. Once you have your list, review it so you have it in your mind.

Now watch for those things every day when you interact with this person. When one of them pops up, say something about it. Tell the other person that you appreciate it and why.

I’ve found that even those couples who come into therapy ready to call it quits can turn things around when both partners start noticing and expressing appreciation for each other.

It speaks to the deep need we all have to feel valued and worthy.

Better yet, when you feel that way, you’re much more likely to want to cooperate and adjust your behavior to be more pleasing to the other person.

Start Looking for What’s Right

The theme of this article is to notice what’s good, valuable, and going well in your important relationships at least as much, and ideally more, than what’s not going well or is displeasing.

That doesn’t mean ignoring problems, but you can’t work well with someone you don’t feel connected to or understood by. You have to feel that the other person accepts you, gets you, and appreciates who you are and what you have to offer.

Listen to understand. Be kind often. And express appreciation for anything you notice.

You may discover that some problems begin solving themselves because people naturally respond to feeling heard, respected, appreciated, and cared for. You included!

That’s all for today.

Have a great two weeks!

All my best,
Barbara

Related Articles:
How to Truly Connect With Someone: Whole Being Listening
Be An Empathetic Detective to Improve Your Relationships
Why Small Acts of Kindness Matter More Than You Think

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I recently had an experience that’s stayed with me and replayed in my mind many times.

I was in line at the grocery store. An older woman was checking out. She seemed a bit confused, and I could see the cashier was getting impatient with her. She finished paying and left the store. Soon after, I left and started driving home.

As I started down the street, I saw her walking on the sidewalk, leaning heavily on her cart, carrying an extra bag over her shoulder and struggling.

I passed her.

And then I turned around, came back, and offered her a lift.

Truth is, I almost didn’t turn around that day and go back. But I will forever be grateful that I did. Because the look of relief in her eyes when she realized I was willing to help her will always stay with me.

Small acts of kindness are powerful. Not only for the receiver, but also for the giver.

I was surprised by how much I was affected by this experience and how it’s lingered with me.

I decided to do some research and found out some interesting things. It seems that small acts of kindness have significant effects, not only on the giver and receiver, but also on people you’ll never meet.

The Big Impact

The most important impact of small acts of kindness, and kindness in general, is that they fulfill one of our most basic needs:

The need to be seen.

When I stopped and offered to help that woman, I was saying to her:

“I see you. I see your suffering. And I see that you’re alone.”

The reason this is so important is that we’re wired to need other people in our lives, regardless of our desire to be independent and self-reliant. We need to be seen and cared for and to feel a sense of belonging.

Kindness communicates all those things, sometimes without a word. In a single act of kindness, you send those messages. And they’re felt.

The best part is that it doesn’t have to be much. Listening when someone needs to talk, helping with a chore, picking up something for a person who can’t bend down, letting someone with fewer items check out in front of you, or even making eye contact and a warm smile does the job.

But the impact? That’s much more far-reaching.

Here are other effects.

Paying it Forward

Acts of kindness are contagious.

A group of studies conducted at UCLA involving more than 8000 people found that watching someone help others triggers “elevation”, which is a feeling of warmth and sometimes produces tears. They’re more likely to do acts of kindness of their own, and not just copy the one they’ve seen.

Another study (Fowler & Christakis) found that a single act of kindness is repeated two more times. In other words, when you do something kind for someone, they’re influenced to repeat the behavior, as is the next person. The ripple effect continues to grow. All from one act of kindness.

When you think of it that way, kindness is a mechanism for social change and making life better.

Benefits for the Giver

As we established in the introduction, acts of kindness not only help others but also positively impact the giver. Here are the most common effects revealed through research.

1. Lifts the Giver’s Mood

A meta-analysis pooling many studies found that performing an act of kindness provides a moderate boost to the giver’s mood and sense of well-being.

A larger meta-analysis found that prosocial behavior, kindness in this case, was associated with a deeper sense of meaning, purpose, and psychological functioning.

Not just momentary pleasure. It adds meaning to your life.

A third study at Oxford found that people who performed acts of kindness for seven consecutive days reported feeling both happier and more grateful.

The bottom line:

Being kind makes you feel more useful, satisfied, and happy.

2. Reduces stress and anxiety.

Many studies have examined the mental health impact of performing acts of kindness on the giver. There is evidence that you will feel less stressed and anxious, along with a boost in well-being. However, the same is not necessarily true for depression.

Even so, kindness temporarily lifts you out of self-absorption, which is in itself a mood booster. It broadens your mental outlook and gives you an emotional break.

Increases Connectedness

This one’s my favorite.

The “KIND Challenge” ran three trials across the US, UK, and Australia, asking 4,284 people to do one act of kindness per week for a month.

The impact was small yet significant. People felt less lonely and isolated. Social interaction increased, and anxiety decreased.

That’s after just four acts of kindness!

The loneliness epidemic we’re experiencing in our country right now needs more of this. And not necessarily a lot to have an impact. (See the video link at the end of the article.)

Helps Us Work Together

A last benefit we’re talking about today is the effect of kindness on collaboration.

One study found that when people working together are kinder to each other, they’re more successful at collaborating, resolving problems, and working toward shared goals.

You’d likely already assume that’s the case, but it’s helpful to have that backup and keep it in mind whether you’re working with a group or simply interacting with friends.

It’s also true in relationships. Kindness creates an atmosphere in which it’s easier to deal with obstacles while maintaining positive regard when working together.

For example, if you take the time to listen and empathize with your partner after a hard day at the office, you’re more likely to have a peaceful evening and feel more connected.

What Gets in the Way of Acts of Kindness

You can simply be in a bad mood. However, performing an act of kindness can help you lift yourself out of that.

The biggest obstacle is distraction.

You don’t notice what’s going on around you because you’re in your own head, glued to your phone, or otherwise preoccupied.

You can be walking down the street and not notice anyone. Kind of like driving somewhere, arriving, and not knowing how you got there.

To be kind, you need to be present and see what’s going on around you.

Other obstacles might be:

• Being pushed for time
• Thinking it’s not really a big deal
• Believing someone else will help
• Being afraid to intrude
• Feeling awkward
• Being shy or introverted

All of those things can get in the way, but you can always start with quick, easy acts that don’t take more than a minute or two. My fav is to simply make eye contact with people, smile, and say hello.

When you do that, make sure to look directly into the other person’s eyes and give a genuine smile.

The idea is to make a real connection, even if only for a moment. Most people respond well. Even if they don’t, it might stay with them.

Sometimes what feels like a small thing to you is not a small thing to the person who needs it.

It’s about noticing them. You see them and connect with them. And they feel it.

A Challenge

Next time you’re out in public, look at people. Notice them. What do you see?

That’s the first challenge.

The second one is to do one act of kindness for four weeks in a row. Doesn’t have to be anything time-consuming or big. A phone call. Ask the cashier who’s checking you out how her day’s going. Let someone go in front of you. Help someone carry something.

I still think about the woman I picked up that day. I don’t know if she remembers me, but I’ll always remember her and how I almost didn’t turn around to help her.

You never know how an act of kindness will affect someone. So look up. Pay attention. And notice the people around you.

Remember:

“I see you” is a potent balm for the soul.

That’s all for today.

Have a great two weeks!

All my best,

Barbara

P. S. I’m attaching a link to a video posted on Facebook that shows just how strong the impact of kindness is. It illustrates everything you’ve just read. You may need some tissues!

_FOOTNOTES:

_{Cregg, D. R., & Cheavens, J. S. (2023). Healing through helping: An experimental investigation of kindness, social activities, and reappraisal as well-being interventions. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 18(6), 924-941. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2022.2154695.}

_{Curry, O. S., Rowland, L. A., Van Lissa, C. J., Zlotowitz, S., McAlaney, J., & Whitehouse, H. (2018). Happy to help? A systematic review and meta-analysis of the effects of performing acts of kindness on the well-being of the actor. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology (76) 320-329. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2018.02.014.}

_{Fowler, J. H. & Christakis, N. A. (2010 Mar 23). Cooperative behavior cascades in human social networks. Proc Natl Acad Sci U S A 107(12) 5334-8. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.0913149107}

_{Kumar, A. (2022). Kindness Can Have Unexpectedly Positive Consequences. Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/kindness-can-have-unexpectedly-positive-consequences/.}

_{Lim, M. H., Hennessey, A., Qualter, P., Smith, B. J., Thurston, L., Eres, R., &Holt-Lunstad, J. (2024). The KIND Challenge community intervention to reduce loneliness and social isolation, improve mental health, and neighbourhood relationships: an international randomized controlled trial. Social Psychiatry Psychiatric Epidemiology 60, 931-942. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00127-024-02740-z.}

_{Rowland, L. & Curry, O. S. (2019). A range of kindness activities boosts happiness. Journal of Social Psychology 159(3): 340-343. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224545.2018.1469461.}

_{Wolf, J. (2020 Nov 13). UCLA Bedari Kindness Institute sees ‘contagious kindness’ in action. UCLA Newsroom. https://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/ucla-bedari-kindness-institute-elevation.}

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Ever been in an argument with someone you trust, and they pull out something you told them in a moment of vulnerability and use it against you?

Maybe a traumatic event you experienced, or an emotional weakness you struggle with.

Yet in the heat of an argument, they reach for it and use it like a weapon.

You’re stunned. You’re struck with utter betrayal by this person you trusted. You don’t even know how to respond.

They might feel sorry about it afterward, but once trust has been broken this way, it’s difficult to completely repair.

There are some simple strategies you can use to avoid this in your relationships. But first, we’ll talk about the consequences.

What gets destroyed?

Trust is the first thing to go.

A single incident might weaken your trust, but multiple events can erode trust and make you wary.

You pull back emotionally. Distance creeps in. Eventually, you begin editing yourself. You stop sharing the parts of you that matter.

Over time, the connection between you begins to fray.

If it happens once and the person owns up to the offense and apologizes sincerely, you’ll probably be able to get over it. Especially if you have a heartfelt discussion about why it happened. Generally, someone only does that when they’re angry and in defense mode. Not that it excuses it.

But when it’s done to hurt, attack, or demean you, there’s no defense that can make things right.

You want to avoid ever being the person who does this, as well as the one on the receiving end. Here are some rules to use that can keep it from happening.

Rules to Avoid

1. No Diagnosing

Diagnosing is a common way that people use someone’s revealed vulnerabilities against them.

For instance, let’s say you tell your husband that your mom was very critical of you and dismissive of your feelings. You could never please her.

Then one evening, you get into a dispute that blows up into a full-scale argument. He’s been nipping at you all day, and nothing you do seems right. He’s in a bad mood.

When you bring it to his attention, he blows up and blurts out that you’re too sensitive because your mom criticized you all the time and you’re taking it out on him. It’s your problem.

He knows this is a trigger for you, but he uses it against you to defend himself. It’s a betrayal of trust. The argument moves from a dispute to a crack in the relationship.

It’s very easy to get in the habit of diagnosing issues based on knowledge of someone’s history, but it’s deadly for a relationship.

My husband and I are both psychotherapists, and we know a lot about each other’s histories. However, there is an unspoken rule between us to never use that knowledge in a heated argument or against each other in any way.

Or worse, to start actually diagnosing each other. It’s easier than ever to look up psychological symptoms online or ask AI to explain someone’s behavior. You may find something that fits or is accurate. But using that diagnosis to gain power will always backfire.

2. Don’t Label

A second thing to avoid is labeling someone. Labels are constricting. And negative labels are hurtful.

Diagnosing is a particular type of labeling. People use it all the time. You say to your moody friend, “You’re bipolar.” Or to the coworker who has opposing political views, “You’re psychotic!”

Other labels that can do damage are negative ones like lazy, unfeeling, cold, chatty-Kathy, conceited, unreliable, or weak.

The point is, labels are a commentary on someone’s sense of self. You’re confining that person to a single descriptive or a group of descriptors, which equates them with the label. And nothing more.

They’re poison arrows you should avoid.

3. Don’t Betray a Confidence in Public

It’s bad enough to use someone’s vulnerabilities against them in a private conversation. Doing it in public is worse.

When you reveal something vulnerable that someone’s told you in confidence to other people or in a public situation, you’re pouring acid into a wound. It’s demeaning, humiliating, and painful. Especially if used passive-aggressively to make fun of the other person, or to draw attention to yourself.

It’s easy to do it in fun, but it still stings. Always have your partner’s, friend’s, or child’s back in public.

What to Do When You’re on the Receiving End

There are three ways you can approach these situations. You’ll likely use all three at once, but not necessarily. It depends on who you’re dealing with and what type of relationship you have with this person. For closer, intimate relationships, all three will help.

#1 Don’t chase the insult. Chase the emotion underneath it.

In this one, you change the direction of the conversation by asking questions. Your goal here is to get a clear understanding of what’s really bothering the other person.

Questions you might ask are:

1. “What specifically is bothering you?” You’re trying to find out the feelings underneath the jab.
2. “You seem angry (or whatever feeling you detect). Tell me why. I’ll listen without interrupting, and then maybe we can figure out what to do.”

In both of these scenarios, you’re going for the underlying feeling the person has. And if they’re willing to talk about that and examine it, the animosity will die down, and you can get somewhere.

Doesn’t always work if someone is too upset. You may need to take a break in that case and then come back to it.

#2 Focus on the intention behind the behavior.

What was the intended effect the other person was going for when they said what they said?

This is a good strategy to shift the momentum.

Start by allowing some space between what was said and your response. Pause. Let the silence do a little work before you respond.

Doing that shifts the momentum immediately and often makes the other person have some second thoughts.

After some silence, ask directly: “What did you hope to gain by saying that?”

In most cases, the other person will backpedal and be a little more specific about what’s bothering them, often apologetically. If not that, at least not so hostile.

If they continue to be defensive, ask this question: “Did you intend to hurt me with that statement?”

Again, this question shifts momentum and starts to move you back to a place where you can have a more productive discussion about what’s going on. You’re not accusing them of anything, but you’re questioning the motive.

When you defend, they still control the conversation. When you question, you’re steering the momentum.

#3 Set a boundary.

The third thing you can do is set a boundary. You might do this after the first two steps, when you both have some understanding of the issue and have expressed your feelings about it.

Let the other person know that no matter what they might be upset about or need to talk about, using personal information as a weapon is unacceptable.

A good strategy is to create some rules and write them out together.

Some examples are:

• Never use each other’s history as leverage.
• No personal attacks.
• Stick to talking about behaviors rather than personal characteristics.

When you write out rules like this, you’ll both remember them and be able to refer to them during difficult discussions. It helps you work together to solve the problem instead of making each other the problem.

Guard Your Connection

When you share your vulnerabilities with someone, you’re really asking this question:

“Am I safe with you?”

How you answer determines the future of your relationship.

The key takeaway?

Every vulnerability someone shares with you is a gift of trust. Protect it. Never weaponize it.

That’s all for today. See you in two weeks!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by clu

Have you ever lived with a pack rat? If you have, you know how it works.

You go on a decluttering campaign and successfully clear out some much-needed space. But in no time, that sneaky pack rat has filled it back up. No matter how much space you create, something new has taken up residence.

That’s how the efficiency trap works. You figure out a way to do something in less time, and then you add new projects and tasks to your schedule. Every space you open up, you fill up.

​Michael Hyatt​ talks about how he got caught in this trap. He learned how to use AI to edit his weekly newsletters and create social media content for each one. Instead of spending 8 hours per newsletter, he cut his time down to 90 minutes. That’s a big save!

But, instead of using his extra time for his family and needed relaxation, which was the goal, he filled the space with new work projects.

He ended up doing more in the same amount of time, but the original purpose of more family time was lost. And his workload increased. Along with it, more pressure and stress.

As I read about this, I had the uncomfortable realization that I do exactly the same thing. It’s so easy to get pulled into it without noticing.

The more productive and efficient you are, the more work you pile on. Michael calls this “The Refill Trap.”

More Ambition

In addition to “The Refill Trap”, efficiency can also lead to what Michael calls “The Ambition Trap”, which is even more seductive.

I’m guilty of this one, too. As soon as time opens up, I’m thinking about what new project I can embark on. Do I want to write a book, create a digital product, or start something entirely different?

My son and I sometimes work together, and as we were both working on our individual pursuits – me writing and him on an AI app – we decided to start a t-shirt company. All at the same time. Crazy? Yes! And we have already abandoned it, I’m happy to say. Although I have some cool t-shirts out of it!

The point is that when you become efficient, you can become more ambitious. Suddenly, your newfound free time starts to itch, like money in your pocket.

Ambition isn’t bad, but if it’s taking away from the life-sustaining and relationship-building activities you value, then you’re stepping onto a hamster wheel that never slows down. One that won’t benefit you in the long run.

How to Avoid the Efficiency Trap

The answer is not to abandon efforts to become more efficient. It’s making specific plans for how you will use your extra time.

Not just thinking in broad terms like “I’ll spend more time relaxing, doing family activities, or enjoying my hobbies.”

When you say, “I’ll spend more time,” you’re leaving it wide open to be scarfed up by more work or new projects.

Try these steps:

Step #1: What’s your why?

Before you work on getting more efficient, get specific about why you want to do that and exactly how you will spend your extra time. What specific things will you be doing? Where will they fit in your schedule?

Step #2: Schedule it.

A good idea is to set aside time on your calendar and write down what you would do during each new time slot.

If it’s to take a nap, put that in. If it’s to have coffee with a friend, write that in. If it’s working on your garden, include that. If it’s an outing with the kids, schedule it.

Don’t leave it to deciding later. If you do that, you risk losing that time.

That said, if your goal in becoming more efficient is to make room for other work projects, fine. Sometimes the purpose of being more efficient is to fit in everything you have to do. And by doing that, you feel less stressed. There’s nothing wrong with that.

But if the goal is to open up space for activities outside of work, then it helps to visualize and plan those ahead.

A Second Benefit

Another benefit of planning and visualizing ahead is that it forces you to imagine yourself doing those other things. You can see yourself enjoying them.

You can feel the pleasure of spending a Saturday afternoon with your spouse and kids doing something fun together. Or you can imagine the feeling of lying on the couch, reading a novel, or watching your favorite movie. Maybe dozing off.

You can anticipate the emotional satisfaction of spending your extra time on activities that recharge you. And because of that, you’re more likely to make them happen.

Our Culture Doesn’t Help

Productivity has become a symbol of success in our culture, and it’s addictive. AI and the internet are the tools that lure us in.

For many people, having downtime to do nothing or just relax feels weird and uncomfortable. If you aren’t checking off a to-do list, you’re wasting time. Or, if your fingers aren’t on a keyboard and your eyes on a screen, you’re bored.

So we get pulled into more pursuits, more digital consumption, and a need to fill every open space with something that entertains or drives our ambition.

The efficiency trap isn’t occurring in a vacuum. It’s propelled by an environment that’s on psychological meth!

Maybe a little exaggeration here, but you get the idea.

When you feel that push to stay busy and keep filling up those open spaces, you’re being influenced by the culture you live in. And likely, you’ve internalized it as a personal value.

However, if you step back and gain some awareness of what’s happening, you can get more deliberate about saving the open spaces that efficiency provides. You can take your foot off the gas and enjoy time to recharge and spend time with people you love.

Start Here

If you’re not sure where to start, do an overall review of your current circumstances and decide what matters. Ask these three questions:

1. What work must you do, what is optional, and what do you want to accomplish?
2. How tired, burned out, or pressured do you feel on a daily basis?
3. If you had more time, how would you spend it?

When you think about those questions, you get clearer about what matters and what needs revision. Then you can work on becoming more efficient so you can use your time for what’s important to you.

Efficiency is a tool, and a good one if used wisely. It should give you more freedom, not create more pressure. Make sure it works for you rather than running your life.

That’s all for today. See you in two weeks!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by yellowpicturestudio, Courtesy of iStock Photo

In a recent conversation with one of my sisters, she said she feels like a new person. She has a sense of purpose, is exploring new interests, and branching out socially.

I was thrilled to hear it because much of her life has been spent surviving and trying to stay afloat. But at 67, she finally has the room to ask:

“Who am I now? What do I want?”

And the answer? She’s thriving!

Which raises an important question:

Are you existing, surviving, or thriving?

It’s worth considering. Here’s some help to find the answer.

Existing (Pseudo-Contentment)

Existing is subtle. It lulls you into a hazy sense of contentment that allows you to avoid complications or striving. It feels easy, but it’s bland.

What It Looks Like

You’re just going through the motions, without any real engagement. You feel blah, flat, and a bit numb. Not miserable, or depressed exactly, but stagnating.

Every day is the same. You get up. Go to work. Come home, turn on the TV, and eat. Get in bed, scroll for a while, drift off, and start over again the next day.

You prefer passive consumption, like binge-watching TV, scrolling, and watching videos. Anything requiring effort feels like too much.

Existing is the most dangerous state because you don’t feel enough discomfort to make a change. And it can go on for years without noticing.

If you painted it, it would be grey or beige. Muted. Dull.

If you’re not sure if this is where you are, ask yourself these questions:

1. When was the last time you felt deeply energized and excited about something?
2. Are your days repetitive and roll on without deviation?
3. Do you live intentionally? Or just get dragged along?
4. Do you have a sense of purpose or meaning?

Maybe you think you’re just surviving. But surviving has a different feel altogether.

Surviving (Outrunning the Treadmill)

Surviving is almost the polar opposite of existing.

Whereas existing is low-energy and grey, surviving is acute, anxious, and often red hot. Surviving is treading water and always feeling like you’re going under.

What It Looks Like

When you’re in survival mode, you feel constant pressure and stress.

You’re the designated problem-solver, and the problems keep rolling in. You cross one thing off your list, and the next thing is already screaming for attention.

You feel reactive and under attack. You’re stuck in fight-or-flight mode. There’s never enough time, enough rest, or an endpoint.

Sometimes you don’t even recognize yourself anymore because life has become one long emergency. Everything is ASAP!

You’re in charge, but you have no power.

No power? Time to take a step back and think about thriving.

Thriving (Coming Home)

Thriving is the difference between posing for the painting and being the artist.

When you pose, someone else is creating your image based on their perceptions and needs. When you’re the artist, you’re creating the image.

You explore, experiment, and decide how it’s going to look, what colors to use, and where to place the strokes. The process is intentional, and it’s yours.

What It Looks Like

When you’re thriving, you have the time and emotional space to savor who you are, what you value, and how you want to live your life.

You’re engaged and seek meaning. You feel a sense of purpose. You set and pursue goals that resonate with your sense of self, and create opportunities for personal growth and contribution.

You’re proactive rather than reactive, and you align your actions with your values.

You have a full range of emotions and can engage fully in relationships that are mutually beneficial and enhance your well-being. You feel alive!

A note here: Thriving isn’t about feeling happy or great all the time. It’s about being actively engaged in your life and making intentional choices about who you are, who you want to be, and how to get there. You’ll still encounter obstacles, but you use them for growth.

Have you figured out where you are on the continuum yet?

If you don’t like where you are, don’t worry. None of these states are permanent. You can move up with just a few small shifts.

Here’s how.

Existence Mode? Time to shake things up!

If you’re in existence mode, you need to do something to put a fire under you.

It doesn’t have to be something big, and probably shouldn’t be. The goal is to intentionally interrupt your autopilot existence. You could try:

• Changing up your daily routine. Something small but noticeable. Get up at a different time. Or read at night instead of scrolling before turning out the lights.
• Add a new intentional activity daily or weekly. Maybe you go for 10-minute walks, or make a friend date once a week. Get out of the house!
• Replace passive consumption with active engagement. Pick something that feels easy and that you like. If you like to read, do that. Or go out to a movie instead of watching from your couch. Start a project or enroll in a class.
• Start noticing what you think about, how you feel, and your patterns. Journaling is a good way to do this. Awareness helps. A lot!

Bottom line? Shake it up! You need to feel your life again, even if it’s uncomfortable.

Survival Mode? Put the floor back in.

The goal for survivors is to create stability. You need breathing room. Emotional space. Time to think about what you need and want, not just put out fires. Some ideas to try are:

• Make a list of your commitments and think about what you can eliminate. Delegate where you can. Opt out of activities you’ve lost interest in.
• Build in small self-care routines. Go to bed earlier. Do some calming exercise like Yoga. Carve out some morning time to sit quietly with your coffee or tea without interruption. Look for spaces in your day just for you.
• Reduce chronic stressors where possible. Imagine you have a huge pair of cutting shears, and you’re snipping them off at the root. Bye-bye! Reducing just one stressor will give you back a sense of agency and control.
• Set boundaries. Seriously. With your time, with people, and with tasks. You don’t need to be all things to all people. However, people will ask more and more of you if you send the message that you’re willing and capable. Look around. Who’s taking advantage of you? Only you can put a stop to that.
• Learn some new tools for regulating your emotions. The one I use and swear by is daily meditation. It doesn’t have to be long to be beneficial. Walking is another great way to soothe and reset yourself. A hot bath when you’re overwhelmed. Do some research, and try something new.

The bottom line?

You can’t build a meaningful and fulfilling life when you’re constantly putting out fires.

Open up some space and feel yourself again.

Thriving? Get in the driver’s seat.

To thrive, you have to build more intentionality into your life. You have choices. Your goal is growth. A good way to start is to clarify where you want to go.

• What are your values? What actually matters to you? I used to go to the library and sit in an alcove way up on an upper floor, where it was quiet and rarely occupied. I did some of my best thinking there. Find that space and think about what’s most important to you.
• Push yourself out of your comfort zone. Not all at once. A little at a time. Challenge yourself to do something you wouldn’t normally do because it scares you a little, or you’re afraid of failing. Remember, thriving is about growth.
• Get creative! Get involved in a project or activity that feeds you emotionally. Do you like to write? Want to design something? Attend a class? What would you like to do that excites you?
• Check your relationships. How are they doing? How can you invest more in the relationships that matter to you? Conversely, are there some you need to let go of?

The key idea to keep in mind when thinking about thriving is that it’s something you build, not something you find. Take small, consistent actions, and it’ll find you.

Putting It All Together

By now, you have some idea about whether you’re existing, surviving, or thriving.

It might be a mix. It’s easy to sometimes think you’re in survival mode when, in actuality, you’re just existing. You can also mistake surviving for thriving.

For example, super productivity can make you think you’re thriving when, in fact, you’re treading water or avoiding thinking about your life. Busy isn’t the same as growth.

Thriving means living with a meaning and purpose. It’s not always easy or pleasant. There are obstacles, but the challenges create growth and fulfillment.

The good thing? A single small action can get you moving up a level. Take it! You’re not stuck where you are. Even small changes can bring your life back to life.

And, like my sister, make you feel like a new person.

That’s all for today. Have a great two weeks!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by EvgeniyShkolenko

A friend recently told me about an experience she encountered at work. A coworker said something very critical, biting, and derogatory to her during a meeting.

It seemed to come out of nowhere, and she was devastated. Partly due to the intensity of the coworker’s delivery, and partly because of what was said. It was personal and attacking.

She replayed it for days in her mind. What was said. How everyone reacted. What she should have come back with. And worse, could it be true?

Ever had that kind of experience? Likely so. What do you do when that happens? Do you fight back, defend yourself, or just leave?

More importantly, how do you recover? How do you make what was said fit in with who you believe you are? That’s where feeling it personally comes into play.

It digs into you and can trigger days, weeks, or months of rumination as you try to fend off what feels like an unfair assessment of your sense of self. It’s painful.

Often you resort to counter-attacking the other person in your mind and to your friends until you feel vindicated enough to let it go. Even so, that doesn’t really do the job.

There’s a better way to handle experiences like this that won’t just soothe your feelings but also give you something you can use to improve your life.

Here it is:

Use every person and situation you encounter as a teacher.

How This Works

When something happens to you that feels like a personal attack, you build a narrative about it.

For example, someone might say something horrible to you, and you’re temporarily in shock. But in no time, you’re telling a story, and you embellish it with your feelings, reactions, and conclusions.

The more you repeat that narrative in your mind, especially when retelling it to someone else, the more factual and potent it seems, even if it’s partially distorted.

The positive part of this scenario is that you can use the narrative as a tool rather than a reactionary defense. There are several steps involved.

Step #1: Give yourself some time to let your emotions arise and settle.

Don’t suppress your emotions. Instead, give yourself some time to let them come up and feel them. Then you’ll be ready for the next step.

Part of the deliberateness of this process is cultivating mindfulness.

Say to yourself:

“I’ve got a lot of feelings here. I’m just going to let them come up and observe them. Then I can sort them through later and use them after I cool down.”

It also helps to name them as they arise. That reduces their reactive power.

Step #2: Validate what’s true and what’s not.

Criticism is rarely 100% accurate. But it’s also rarely 100% useless.

For this step, shift to your thinking brain and sort through, without censorship, what parts of what you heard are true, and what parts aren’t.

Doing that can be difficult depending on the situation. If someone attacks you full force, or is obviously abusive and intentional in their desire to hurt you, what in the world could you take away that’s helpful? Just the idea of that feels a bit repulsive.

But you can still use it. Maybe it’s just getting some clarity on what abusive behavior is and when it’s necessary to set boundaries.

Or maybe there’s one small thing that was said about you that’s true, and by acknowledging it, you can change it and make yourself better.

Even if the delivery’s awful, you might still use that little kernel of truth to improve. Think of it as finding the hidden gem in a pile of mud (or, if you want to be more graphic, a pile of crap!).

Their bad behavior is their problem, not yours. They might be the most despicable teacher, but you can still use the information and lessons to your benefit.

Step #3: Incorporate the new information or lesson learned into your sense of self.

When someone personally attacks you, it’s easy to feel diminished and let that diminish your sense of worth. It’s hard not to. If you’re particularly sensitive, it’s even harder.

I was always that way growing up and could be easily devastated by a few sharp words. It took a lot of practice to overcome it, and it’s still not always easy.

But this approach can work even with the most sensitive person. Take what you learned, use it, and toss the trash out.

Add Some Humor

Using the “every person is a teacher” approach can be fun!

Now that you’ve figured out what you can extract from the experience to improve yourself or your life in general, it’s time to rate the teacher!

Five stars? Or maybe just 1 1/2 stars and a referral to an anger-management class?

Was your teacher just having a bad day, or is she emotionally immature, aggressive, or plain sadistic?

All kidding aside, what behavior, motivations, or patterns were displayed? And what do you make of them? Is there something you found helpful that you’d like to use or add to your behavior repertoire? Or something you’d like to make sure you never do?

Some experiences teach by adding useful knowledge, while others show you what needs to be subtracted and never repeated. Both can occur in a single interaction.

For example, while you’re speaking in a small group of coworkers, one of them blurts out:

“You’re always interrupting. You seem to think what you have to say is so much more important than what anyone else says. You’re so self-centered!!!!”

Okay. What’s the kernel of truth? Do you sometimes interrupt someone before they finish speaking? That may very well be true. It doesn’t mean you’re intentionally self-centered. Maybe you’re just enthusiastic and jump in too quickly.

Separate the stinging personal attack from the information you can use to improve your behavior.

If you wanted to take it a step further, you could respond with something like:

“Thank you for pointing out that I interrupted. I shouldn’t do that, and I’ll work on it. I’m sorry. At the same time, I don’t appreciate the personal attack. If you have a problem with something I’m doing, I don’t mind you pointing it out, but do it without being hurtful. Agreed?”

That might go over, and it might not, but you’re doing two things here:

1. You’re taking ownership of your behavior and promising to change it.
2. You’re also setting a boundary against abusive behavior.

The Value

Self-improvement is the obvious value of this approach, but learning to use life as a teaching tool has a few silver linings worth remembering:

1. The same experiences will arise repeatedly until you learn the lesson that needs to be acknowledged. Once you acknowledge and incorporate it into your life, it will stop appearing.
2. The more you use the “teacher” approach, the more mindful you become. Mindfulness is a potent tool for navigating emotional reactivity and keeping your thinking brain aboard when your emotional brain is inflamed. In more scientific terms, keeping your prefrontal cortex active when your amygdala goes wild!
3. Recognizing that having deficits that need correcting is normal and should be embraced rather than used as a stick to beat yourself up with. Life is about learning and growth, not perfection.

Now, armed with this new approach, start practicing. See every person and every situation as a teacher.

The goal isn’t to stop getting hurt. You’re human. The goal is to stop letting painful experiences define you. Learn from them instead.

That’s all for today! Have a great two weeks!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by RODOLFO BARRETTO on Unsplash

Is this you?

You’re at work finishing a small project that’s not due for a week, yet you feel a nagging urgency to get it done right now. As you work, the rest of your to-do list crowds in, each item demanding the same immediate attention. The workday ends, and you’re already ruminating about evening chores, tomorrow’s agenda, and what you may have forgotten to do. Once home, you zoom through your nightly routine – dinner, dishes, laundry, getting the kids to bed – all at the same relentless pace. You finally collapse into bed. And then you dream about everything you still need to do.

Sound familiar? If so, you might be plagued by something called chronic urgency. It’s more common than you think, and it’s debilitating.

You likely think of this as anxiety, but it’s different. Anxiety is the feeling. Urgency is what’s driving it. It’s the alarm that screams, “Emergency! Hurry!” – whether the situation calls for it or not.

Fortunately, you can tame it and get relief. I’m giving you six strategies to use that work. But first, let’s get a better idea of what it is and where it comes from.

What It Is

We’ll start with what it isn’t.

Chronic urgency is not the same thing as being busy. It’s a persistent state of mind that permeates everything you do.

No matter the external circumstances, you feel behind, as though you’re not doing enough. And you need to go faster.

Psychologists often refer to it as “hurry sickness”, a phrase coined by cardiologists Meyer Friedman and Ray Roseman, when they noticed these tendencies in some of their heart patients.

The key difference between being busy and feeling chronic urgency is that the feeling lives inside you, not on your calendar.

Where It Comes From

Chronic urgency has historical, personal, and environmental sources.

Personal

Perfectionism is often present.

Perfectionism happens because your identity is tied to your performance, which puts a lot of pressure on you to achieve excellence and perfection in all your endeavors.

There’s no let-up to this internally propelled drive. It’s like walking through a landmine and hoping you don’t make a misstep and blow yourself up.

To a lesser degree, yet still present, is the need to feel productive. Busyness in these instances is a defense against feeling inept and unworthy.

With both perfectionism and compulsive productivity, you may have grown up in a family where achievement was rewarded and required. Anything less was considered failure.

Historical

If you experienced emotional, physical, or sexual abuse as a child, or grew up in an environment filled with chaos and uncertainty, you’re more susceptible to chronic urgency as an adult.

This includes things like:

• Carrying adult responsibilities as the oldest child
• Living with a depressed or volatile parent
• Moving frequently
• Navigating divorces and difficult step-parents
• Being in foster care
• Growing up around substance abuse.

All these experiences create hypervigilance and fear, keeping you on high alert. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As an adult, that alarm system keeps running even when there are no threats and nothing to fear.

Environmental

Now we get to “hustle culture” and the belief that you’ve got to push yourself through any and every obstacle that presents itself, whether you have the emotional energy or not.

You’re plagued by FOMO (fear of missing out), which urges you to spend every waking moment staying on top of your goals and activities so you don’t end up at the bottom.

To make things worse, people have constant access to you via text and email.

It’s common practice now for your supervisor or boss to email you after hours and on weekends. There’s an expectation that you’ll respond 24/7.

Boundaries are blurred or nonexistent. And if you balk, there may be repercussions. You’re passed over for the next promotion or given the cold shoulder, but not so blatantly that you can confront it.

Work becomes everything, busyness is king, and relaxation is for sissies.

You need to prove you’re a rock star. It’s an all-or-nothing proposition, and it destroys your nervous system.

Six Ways to Start Changing It

The good news is that even though these patterns evolve over time, they can be reversed through intentional use of strategies that challenge them. Here are six that I’ve practiced myself and used successfully with my clients.

1. Name it as soon as you notice it.

Becoming aware of how often and under what circumstances you feel urgency is the first step.

Each time you notice it, stop and acknowledge it. I’ve found it helps to choose a word or phrase that captures it and say it. I have two:

• You’re moving too fast! Slow down!” – when I find myself racing through something.
• “You’re grasping! Take a moment!” – when I’m chasing time or catastrophizing.

By using the same phrases repeatedly, you get good at catching yourself. This helps break up the runaway feeling of alarm.

2. Practice being slow and deliberate.

Once you’ve caught yourself feeling and acting with urgency, proceed slowly and very deliberately.

To do that, focus your attention on small movements, slower steps, taking breaths between thoughts, and doing one thing at a time.

When you do something slowly with full attention, you actually do it faster. It’s a paradox that research has shown to be true.

It’s like the story of the hare and the tortoise. The tortoise plods along slowly and consistently, while the hare shoots out of the gate and wears himself out so he can barely get to the finish line and loses the race.

When you work single-mindedly with slower, deliberate movements (mental or physical), you conserve energy, protect your nervous system, and make better use of all your faculties to get you to your goal.

This practice works as well when you’re in the kitchen making dinner or writing an annual marketing strategy for your company.

3. Build in micro-pauses.

Add in small intentional pauses between transitions from one activity to another.

Before you get out of your car, sit for two minutes. After a work meeting, do a round of square breathing​ before diving into another task. After 60 to 90 minutes of deep work, take a 10-minute break before transitioning to a new activity.

In other words, build in micro-pauses throughout the day.

Small changes like this help rewire your brain, calm your nervous system, and create emotional space.

Urgency feeds on relentless speed, which provides no windows for intervention.

4. Ask yourself, “Is this situation actually urgent?”

This question is the dividing line between busyness and true urgency.

Some people simply enjoy being busy, but don’t feel urgency unless it’s truly warranted. People who have a sense of chronic urgency apply that alarm indiscriminately to every situation.

By asking the question, you pull your attention in, slow it, and examine the validity of the feeling. You access your thinking brain while cooling your emotions.

And the more you practice it, the better you train your mind to automatically question your emotional alarms before taking action.

Often, the answer to the question is that it’s not urgent. That realization is freeing and relieving.

5. Rest is protective too! And your body knows it.

Taking a nap, talking to friends, having dinner with family, watching a favorite TV show, or reading for fun are activities that require you to be present.

They’re also productive. They nurture you, enhance your relationships and social connections, and cool your nerves.

Build these activities and rest periods into your schedule. Put them on your calendar if need be, and call them productive. Because they are!

More is not better when it comes to stress. Push yourself too hard, and your productivity lessens. In addition, your relationships suffer, as does your sense of well-being.

6. Identify your sources of chronic urgency.

Using the three categories – personal, historical, and environmental – examine where your sense of urgency comes from.

Most of us are already aware of some environmental stressors, but you may not have considered the personal and historical ones, especially the latter.

Obviously, no one can redo their history, nor should you try. But identifying stressors you grew up with helps you understand how you came to feel a sense of urgency that seeps into your everyday life.

You need to see it to distinguish between what was then and how it is now.

If you were the oldest child, avoiding one parent’s anger and soothing another parent’s depression while protecting your siblings, you felt responsible for everyone and had no choice in the matter. You adapted.

But that’s not true now. You don’t have to hold everyone up. Challenging these internal beliefs helps you clarify reality and change patterns that are no longer adaptive or in your best interest. The same applies to learned perfectionism.

Take a serious look at it, and if you need help, seek it out.

Urgency has a place, but it shouldn’t have a starring role.

We all need some urgency. Otherwise, we’d do nothing.

Urgency is a tool you use when you need it to motivate you. You have control over how and when to use it. It shouldn’t be an ongoing state of mind that controls your every waking (and sometimes dreaming) moment.

The key is applying the right amount to get you moving when you need it, and then shutting it off when you’re ready to recharge and relax.

You’re the director, narrator, and editor of your movie. So take over!

That’s all for today. Have a great two weeks!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by ​Himanshu Dewangan​ on ​Unsplash

You have something important to discuss and want to be heard. How do you make that happen?

The answer depends on your audience. You’ll adjust your approach for your kids, partner, boss, friend, or store manager.

Still, some strategies work in every situation.

First, we’ll cover the best strategies, then move on to pitfalls to avoid, and finish with how to end the conversation.

Good Strategies to Use

1. Choose a good time when you know the person is available.

You won’t be able to have someone’s full attention if they’re pressed for time or preoccupied with something else.

The best way to ensure you have their attention is to check if they have time and energy to talk now. When your topic is important, timing matters. For casual conversations, it’s less critical.

If someone doesn’t have the time, you need to postpone it until they’re free to listen.

The best strategy is simply to ask. If the timing is off, ask when would be better and schedule it.

2. Start by orienting your listener to the topic.

Begin your conversation by briefly explaining the topic you’re going to address and why it’s important to you.

Keep it brief, but make sure the other person is on board and knows what you’ll be talking about. Above all, don’t begin in the middle of a conversation or engage in a long wind-up to the topic.

Don’t make your listener work to figure out what you’re talking about. Be clear. Spell it out.

3. Stick to one subject.

Get clear in your mind what topic you want to cover before starting, and stick to it.

Kitchen-sink conversations never go well. They’re confusing, create emotional distress, and lead to unnecessary irritability and defensiveness. Successful conversations cover one topic at a time.

If you’ve finished a topic and want to move on to another, announce it and make sure the other person is on board and wants to continue.

Minding the process is as important as making your points.

4. Summarize your main points as concisely as possible.

Provide information that’s necessary to understand what you’re saying and to make your point, but don’t add reams of irrelevant details.

Stay on point and avoid tangents. Be direct and clear.

5. Check in often and request feedback.

Pause frequently to check if they’re still with you and understand what you’ve said. Allow time for responses.

People stay engaged when they’re invited to participate in the conversation. Make sure you provide opportunities for feedback and responses, and listen closely. Show interest.

Your goal is to create a two-way conversation that holds each other’s interest.

6. Always use “I” messages when verbalizing your thoughts and feelings.

“I” messages matter most when sharing emotions.

When you say, “I felt angry when you (blank),” instead of “You made me angry when you (blank),” it’s more likely to be received.

Own your thoughts and feelings, even if they were triggered by someone else’s actions.

7. Pay attention to telltale signs that you’re losing the person’s attention and address them.

You can do this directly by observing: “It looks like I’m losing you. Am I being unclear, or are you pressed for time?”

By making an observation, you’ll bring their attention back and discover whether you need to shift your strategy or if they’re having a reaction that’s unsaid, or something else.

Part of being heard is maintaining a good connection with the other person. Keep the conversation open and collaborative.

8. Strive for clarity.

Be clear and deliver your words so the other person understands easily. Don’t make them work for it. Spoon-feed it.

What Not to Do

Now, here are a few things to avoid.

1. Don’t do a monologue.

A surefire way to chase someone away is to talk without breaks or regard for the other person’s time, feelings, or input.

Don’t hold someone hostage.

You’ll see signs: loss of eye contact, fidgeting, checking the time, suppressing a yawn, or rubbing the back of their neck. Stop and check in!

A good rule is to spend as much time listening as talking. If you do that, you’ll get more engagement and are more likely to be heard.

2. Avoid emotional dumping.

Expressing your emotions is fine and something that can be done well. But dumping everything out at once without coming up for air, or endless complaining, makes someone feel used and abused.

This is tricky because you do want to express your emotions. But to do that successfully, you need to be selective in both what you say and how you say it. The “what” should pertain to your main points, and the “how” should take into consideration the other person’s possible reactions.

You can deliver strong emotions constructively and without overload.

3. Never use personal attacks, insults, or condescension.

Showing disrespect reduces others’ willingness to listen.

Instead, you’ll raise their defenses and create a hostile environment, leaving both of you dissatisfied.

If the conversation becomes argumentative, pause and regroup. Take a break or discuss how to find a win-win solution.

Two people working on the same side to solve a messy problem is different from two people opposing each other with the goal of winning.

It may be that you need to listen to each other without direct debate and leave it for now, with a plan to come back later after you’ve both had time to think about what’s been said.

Whatever the case, be respectful!

How to End

Always thank the other person for listening and for their feedback. Do this regardless of whether there was agreement. In those cases, you can say something like, “You’ve given me something to think about.”

If they’ve given helpful advice or solved a problem, acknowledge it. Specify what they helped resolve and how. Be specific. People value knowing exactly what was helpful. It feels good, and they feel appreciated.

Aim for both of you to leave the conversation with something valuable, not just for your point to be heard.

When both sides gain value, your message will be heard and remembered by the other person.

You’ll also create or strengthen a relationship.

That’s all for today. Have a great two weeks!

All my best,

Barbara

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How to Talk with Confidence (8 Surefire Strategies)
How to Truly Connect with Someone: Whole Being Listening
7 Tips to Improve Your Communication Skills