Photo by clu

Have you ever lived with a pack rat? If you have, you know how it works.

You go on a decluttering campaign and successfully clear out some much-needed space. But in no time, that sneaky pack rat has filled it back up. No matter how much space you create, something new has taken up residence.

That’s how the efficiency trap works. You figure out a way to do something in less time, and then you add new projects and tasks to your schedule. Every space you open up, you fill up.

​Michael Hyatt​ talks about how he got caught in this trap. He learned how to use AI to edit his weekly newsletters and create social media content for each one. Instead of spending 8 hours per newsletter, he cut his time down to 90 minutes. That’s a big save!

But, instead of using his extra time for his family and needed relaxation, which was the goal, he filled the space with new work projects.

He ended up doing more in the same amount of time, but the original purpose of more family time was lost. And his workload increased. Along with it, more pressure and stress.

As I read about this, I had the uncomfortable realization that I do exactly the same thing. It’s so easy to get pulled into it without noticing.

The more productive and efficient you are, the more work you pile on. Michael calls this “The Refill Trap.”

More Ambition

In addition to “The Refill Trap”, efficiency can also lead to what Michael calls “The Ambition Trap”, which is even more seductive.

I’m guilty of this one, too. As soon as time opens up, I’m thinking about what new project I can embark on. Do I want to write a book, create a digital product, or start something entirely different?

My son and I sometimes work together, and as we were both working on our individual pursuits – me writing and him on an AI app – we decided to start a t-shirt company. All at the same time. Crazy? Yes! And we have already abandoned it, I’m happy to say. Although I have some cool t-shirts out of it!

The point is that when you become efficient, you can become more ambitious. Suddenly, your newfound free time starts to itch, like money in your pocket.

Ambition isn’t bad, but if it’s taking away from the life-sustaining and relationship-building activities you value, then you’re stepping onto a hamster wheel that never slows down. One that won’t benefit you in the long run.

How to Avoid the Efficiency Trap

The answer is not to abandon efforts to become more efficient. It’s making specific plans for how you will use your extra time.

Not just thinking in broad terms like “I’ll spend more time relaxing, doing family activities, or enjoying my hobbies.”

When you say, “I’ll spend more time,” you’re leaving it wide open to be scarfed up by more work or new projects.

Try these steps:

Step #1: What’s your why?

Before you work on getting more efficient, get specific about why you want to do that and exactly how you will spend your extra time. What specific things will you be doing? Where will they fit in your schedule?

Step #2: Schedule it.

A good idea is to set aside time on your calendar and write down what you would do during each new time slot.

If it’s to take a nap, put that in. If it’s to have coffee with a friend, write that in. If it’s working on your garden, include that. If it’s an outing with the kids, schedule it.

Don’t leave it to deciding later. If you do that, you risk losing that time.

That said, if your goal in becoming more efficient is to make room for other work projects, fine. Sometimes the purpose of being more efficient is to fit in everything you have to do. And by doing that, you feel less stressed. There’s nothing wrong with that.

But if the goal is to open up space for activities outside of work, then it helps to visualize and plan those ahead.

A Second Benefit

Another benefit of planning and visualizing ahead is that it forces you to imagine yourself doing those other things. You can see yourself enjoying them.

You can feel the pleasure of spending a Saturday afternoon with your spouse and kids doing something fun together. Or you can imagine the feeling of lying on the couch, reading a novel, or watching your favorite movie. Maybe dozing off.

You can anticipate the emotional satisfaction of spending your extra time on activities that recharge you. And because of that, you’re more likely to make them happen.

Our Culture Doesn’t Help

Productivity has become a symbol of success in our culture, and it’s addictive. AI and the internet are the tools that lure us in.

For many people, having downtime to do nothing or just relax feels weird and uncomfortable. If you aren’t checking off a to-do list, you’re wasting time. Or, if your fingers aren’t on a keyboard and your eyes on a screen, you’re bored.

So we get pulled into more pursuits, more digital consumption, and a need to fill every open space with something that entertains or drives our ambition.

The efficiency trap isn’t occurring in a vacuum. It’s propelled by an environment that’s on psychological meth!

Maybe a little exaggeration here, but you get the idea.

When you feel that push to stay busy and keep filling up those open spaces, you’re being influenced by the culture you live in. And likely, you’ve internalized it as a personal value.

However, if you step back and gain some awareness of what’s happening, you can get more deliberate about saving the open spaces that efficiency provides. You can take your foot off the gas and enjoy time to recharge and spend time with people you love.

Start Here

If you’re not sure where to start, do an overall review of your current circumstances and decide what matters. Ask these three questions:

1. What work must you do, what is optional, and what do you want to accomplish?
2. How tired, burned out, or pressured do you feel on a daily basis?
3. If you had more time, how would you spend it?

When you think about those questions, you get clearer about what matters and what needs revision. Then you can work on becoming more efficient so you can use your time for what’s important to you.

Efficiency is a tool, and a good one if used wisely. It should give you more freedom, not create more pressure. Make sure it works for you rather than running your life.

That’s all for today. See you in two weeks!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by yellowpicturestudio, Courtesy of iStock Photo

In a recent conversation with one of my sisters, she said she feels like a new person. She has a sense of purpose, is exploring new interests, and branching out socially.

I was thrilled to hear it because much of her life has been spent surviving and trying to stay afloat. But at 67, she finally has the room to ask:

“Who am I now? What do I want?”

And the answer? She’s thriving!

Which raises an important question:

Are you existing, surviving, or thriving?

It’s worth considering. Here’s some help to find the answer.

Existing (Pseudo-Contentment)

Existing is subtle. It lulls you into a hazy sense of contentment that allows you to avoid complications or striving. It feels easy, but it’s bland.

What It Looks Like

You’re just going through the motions, without any real engagement. You feel blah, flat, and a bit numb. Not miserable, or depressed exactly, but stagnating.

Every day is the same. You get up. Go to work. Come home, turn on the TV, and eat. Get in bed, scroll for a while, drift off, and start over again the next day.

You prefer passive consumption, like binge-watching TV, scrolling, and watching videos. Anything requiring effort feels like too much.

Existing is the most dangerous state because you don’t feel enough discomfort to make a change. And it can go on for years without noticing.

If you painted it, it would be grey or beige. Muted. Dull.

If you’re not sure if this is where you are, ask yourself these questions:

1. When was the last time you felt deeply energized and excited about something?
2. Are your days repetitive and roll on without deviation?
3. Do you live intentionally? Or just get dragged along?
4. Do you have a sense of purpose or meaning?

Maybe you think you’re just surviving. But surviving has a different feel altogether.

Surviving (Outrunning the Treadmill)

Surviving is almost the polar opposite of existing.

Whereas existing is low-energy and grey, surviving is acute, anxious, and often red hot. Surviving is treading water and always feeling like you’re going under.

What It Looks Like

When you’re in survival mode, you feel constant pressure and stress.

You’re the designated problem-solver, and the problems keep rolling in. You cross one thing off your list, and the next thing is already screaming for attention.

You feel reactive and under attack. You’re stuck in fight-or-flight mode. There’s never enough time, enough rest, or an endpoint.

Sometimes you don’t even recognize yourself anymore because life has become one long emergency. Everything is ASAP!

You’re in charge, but you have no power.

No power? Time to take a step back and think about thriving.

Thriving (Coming Home)

Thriving is the difference between posing for the painting and being the artist.

When you pose, someone else is creating your image based on their perceptions and needs. When you’re the artist, you’re creating the image.

You explore, experiment, and decide how it’s going to look, what colors to use, and where to place the strokes. The process is intentional, and it’s yours.

What It Looks Like

When you’re thriving, you have the time and emotional space to savor who you are, what you value, and how you want to live your life.

You’re engaged and seek meaning. You feel a sense of purpose. You set and pursue goals that resonate with your sense of self, and create opportunities for personal growth and contribution.

You’re proactive rather than reactive, and you align your actions with your values.

You have a full range of emotions and can engage fully in relationships that are mutually beneficial and enhance your well-being. You feel alive!

A note here: Thriving isn’t about feeling happy or great all the time. It’s about being actively engaged in your life and making intentional choices about who you are, who you want to be, and how to get there. You’ll still encounter obstacles, but you use them for growth.

Have you figured out where you are on the continuum yet?

If you don’t like where you are, don’t worry. None of these states are permanent. You can move up with just a few small shifts.

Here’s how.

Existence Mode? Time to shake things up!

If you’re in existence mode, you need to do something to put a fire under you.

It doesn’t have to be something big, and probably shouldn’t be. The goal is to intentionally interrupt your autopilot existence. You could try:

• Changing up your daily routine. Something small but noticeable. Get up at a different time. Or read at night instead of scrolling before turning out the lights.
• Add a new intentional activity daily or weekly. Maybe you go for 10-minute walks, or make a friend date once a week. Get out of the house!
• Replace passive consumption with active engagement. Pick something that feels easy and that you like. If you like to read, do that. Or go out to a movie instead of watching from your couch. Start a project or enroll in a class.
• Start noticing what you think about, how you feel, and your patterns. Journaling is a good way to do this. Awareness helps. A lot!

Bottom line? Shake it up! You need to feel your life again, even if it’s uncomfortable.

Survival Mode? Put the floor back in.

The goal for survivors is to create stability. You need breathing room. Emotional space. Time to think about what you need and want, not just put out fires. Some ideas to try are:

• Make a list of your commitments and think about what you can eliminate. Delegate where you can. Opt out of activities you’ve lost interest in.
• Build in small self-care routines. Go to bed earlier. Do some calming exercise like Yoga. Carve out some morning time to sit quietly with your coffee or tea without interruption. Look for spaces in your day just for you.
• Reduce chronic stressors where possible. Imagine you have a huge pair of cutting shears, and you’re snipping them off at the root. Bye-bye! Reducing just one stressor will give you back a sense of agency and control.
• Set boundaries. Seriously. With your time, with people, and with tasks. You don’t need to be all things to all people. However, people will ask more and more of you if you send the message that you’re willing and capable. Look around. Who’s taking advantage of you? Only you can put a stop to that.
• Learn some new tools for regulating your emotions. The one I use and swear by is daily meditation. It doesn’t have to be long to be beneficial. Walking is another great way to soothe and reset yourself. A hot bath when you’re overwhelmed. Do some research, and try something new.

The bottom line?

You can’t build a meaningful and fulfilling life when you’re constantly putting out fires.

Open up some space and feel yourself again.

Thriving? Get in the driver’s seat.

To thrive, you have to build more intentionality into your life. You have choices. Your goal is growth. A good way to start is to clarify where you want to go.

• What are your values? What actually matters to you? I used to go to the library and sit in an alcove way up on an upper floor, where it was quiet and rarely occupied. I did some of my best thinking there. Find that space and think about what’s most important to you.
• Push yourself out of your comfort zone. Not all at once. A little at a time. Challenge yourself to do something you wouldn’t normally do because it scares you a little, or you’re afraid of failing. Remember, thriving is about growth.
• Get creative! Get involved in a project or activity that feeds you emotionally. Do you like to write? Want to design something? Attend a class? What would you like to do that excites you?
• Check your relationships. How are they doing? How can you invest more in the relationships that matter to you? Conversely, are there some you need to let go of?

The key idea to keep in mind when thinking about thriving is that it’s something you build, not something you find. Take small, consistent actions, and it’ll find you.

Putting It All Together

By now, you have some idea about whether you’re existing, surviving, or thriving.

It might be a mix. It’s easy to sometimes think you’re in survival mode when, in actuality, you’re just existing. You can also mistake surviving for thriving.

For example, super productivity can make you think you’re thriving when, in fact, you’re treading water or avoiding thinking about your life. Busy isn’t the same as growth.

Thriving means living with a meaning and purpose. It’s not always easy or pleasant. There are obstacles, but the challenges create growth and fulfillment.

The good thing? A single small action can get you moving up a level. Take it! You’re not stuck where you are. Even small changes can bring your life back to life.

And, like my sister, make you feel like a new person.

That’s all for today. Have a great two weeks!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by EvgeniyShkolenko

A friend recently told me about an experience she encountered at work. A coworker said something very critical, biting, and derogatory to her during a meeting.

It seemed to come out of nowhere, and she was devastated. Partly due to the intensity of the coworker’s delivery, and partly because of what was said. It was personal and attacking.

She replayed it for days in her mind. What was said. How everyone reacted. What she should have come back with. And worse, could it be true?

Ever had that kind of experience? Likely so. What do you do when that happens? Do you fight back, defend yourself, or just leave?

More importantly, how do you recover? How do you make what was said fit in with who you believe you are? That’s where feeling it personally comes into play.

It digs into you and can trigger days, weeks, or months of rumination as you try to fend off what feels like an unfair assessment of your sense of self. It’s painful.

Often you resort to counter-attacking the other person in your mind and to your friends until you feel vindicated enough to let it go. Even so, that doesn’t really do the job.

There’s a better way to handle experiences like this that won’t just soothe your feelings but also give you something you can use to improve your life.

Here it is:

Use every person and situation you encounter as a teacher.

How This Works

When something happens to you that feels like a personal attack, you build a narrative about it.

For example, someone might say something horrible to you, and you’re temporarily in shock. But in no time, you’re telling a story, and you embellish it with your feelings, reactions, and conclusions.

The more you repeat that narrative in your mind, especially when retelling it to someone else, the more factual and potent it seems, even if it’s partially distorted.

The positive part of this scenario is that you can use the narrative as a tool rather than a reactionary defense. There are several steps involved.

Step #1: Give yourself some time to let your emotions arise and settle.

Don’t suppress your emotions. Instead, give yourself some time to let them come up and feel them. Then you’ll be ready for the next step.

Part of the deliberateness of this process is cultivating mindfulness.

Say to yourself:

“I’ve got a lot of feelings here. I’m just going to let them come up and observe them. Then I can sort them through later and use them after I cool down.”

It also helps to name them as they arise. That reduces their reactive power.

Step #2: Validate what’s true and what’s not.

Criticism is rarely 100% accurate. But it’s also rarely 100% useless.

For this step, shift to your thinking brain and sort through, without censorship, what parts of what you heard are true, and what parts aren’t.

Doing that can be difficult depending on the situation. If someone attacks you full force, or is obviously abusive and intentional in their desire to hurt you, what in the world could you take away that’s helpful? Just the idea of that feels a bit repulsive.

But you can still use it. Maybe it’s just getting some clarity on what abusive behavior is and when it’s necessary to set boundaries.

Or maybe there’s one small thing that was said about you that’s true, and by acknowledging it, you can change it and make yourself better.

Even if the delivery’s awful, you might still use that little kernel of truth to improve. Think of it as finding the hidden gem in a pile of mud (or, if you want to be more graphic, a pile of crap!).

Their bad behavior is their problem, not yours. They might be the most despicable teacher, but you can still use the information and lessons to your benefit.

Step #3: Incorporate the new information or lesson learned into your sense of self.

When someone personally attacks you, it’s easy to feel diminished and let that diminish your sense of worth. It’s hard not to. If you’re particularly sensitive, it’s even harder.

I was always that way growing up and could be easily devastated by a few sharp words. It took a lot of practice to overcome it, and it’s still not always easy.

But this approach can work even with the most sensitive person. Take what you learned, use it, and toss the trash out.

Add Some Humor

Using the “every person is a teacher” approach can be fun!

Now that you’ve figured out what you can extract from the experience to improve yourself or your life in general, it’s time to rate the teacher!

Five stars? Or maybe just 1 1/2 stars and a referral to an anger-management class?

Was your teacher just having a bad day, or is she emotionally immature, aggressive, or plain sadistic?

All kidding aside, what behavior, motivations, or patterns were displayed? And what do you make of them? Is there something you found helpful that you’d like to use or add to your behavior repertoire? Or something you’d like to make sure you never do?

Some experiences teach by adding useful knowledge, while others show you what needs to be subtracted and never repeated. Both can occur in a single interaction.

For example, while you’re speaking in a small group of coworkers, one of them blurts out:

“You’re always interrupting. You seem to think what you have to say is so much more important than what anyone else says. You’re so self-centered!!!!”

Okay. What’s the kernel of truth? Do you sometimes interrupt someone before they finish speaking? That may very well be true. It doesn’t mean you’re intentionally self-centered. Maybe you’re just enthusiastic and jump in too quickly.

Separate the stinging personal attack from the information you can use to improve your behavior.

If you wanted to take it a step further, you could respond with something like:

“Thank you for pointing out that I interrupted. I shouldn’t do that, and I’ll work on it. I’m sorry. At the same time, I don’t appreciate the personal attack. If you have a problem with something I’m doing, I don’t mind you pointing it out, but do it without being hurtful. Agreed?”

That might go over, and it might not, but you’re doing two things here:

1. You’re taking ownership of your behavior and promising to change it.
2. You’re also setting a boundary against abusive behavior.

The Value

Self-improvement is the obvious value of this approach, but learning to use life as a teaching tool has a few silver linings worth remembering:

1. The same experiences will arise repeatedly until you learn the lesson that needs to be acknowledged. Once you acknowledge and incorporate it into your life, it will stop appearing.
2. The more you use the “teacher” approach, the more mindful you become. Mindfulness is a potent tool for navigating emotional reactivity and keeping your thinking brain aboard when your emotional brain is inflamed. In more scientific terms, keeping your prefrontal cortex active when your amygdala goes wild!
3. Recognizing that having deficits that need correcting is normal and should be embraced rather than used as a stick to beat yourself up with. Life is about learning and growth, not perfection.

Now, armed with this new approach, start practicing. See every person and every situation as a teacher.

The goal isn’t to stop getting hurt. You’re human. The goal is to stop letting painful experiences define you. Learn from them instead.

That’s all for today! Have a great two weeks!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by RODOLFO BARRETTO on Unsplash

Is this you?

You’re at work finishing a small project that’s not due for a week, yet you feel a nagging urgency to get it done right now. As you work, the rest of your to-do list crowds in, each item demanding the same immediate attention. The workday ends, and you’re already ruminating about evening chores, tomorrow’s agenda, and what you may have forgotten to do. Once home, you zoom through your nightly routine – dinner, dishes, laundry, getting the kids to bed – all at the same relentless pace. You finally collapse into bed. And then you dream about everything you still need to do.

Sound familiar? If so, you might be plagued by something called chronic urgency. It’s more common than you think, and it’s debilitating.

You likely think of this as anxiety, but it’s different. Anxiety is the feeling. Urgency is what’s driving it. It’s the alarm that screams, “Emergency! Hurry!” – whether the situation calls for it or not.

Fortunately, you can tame it and get relief. I’m giving you six strategies to use that work. But first, let’s get a better idea of what it is and where it comes from.

What It Is

We’ll start with what it isn’t.

Chronic urgency is not the same thing as being busy. It’s a persistent state of mind that permeates everything you do.

No matter the external circumstances, you feel behind, as though you’re not doing enough. And you need to go faster.

Psychologists often refer to it as “hurry sickness”, a phrase coined by cardiologists Meyer Friedman and Ray Roseman, when they noticed these tendencies in some of their heart patients.

The key difference between being busy and feeling chronic urgency is that the feeling lives inside you, not on your calendar.

Where It Comes From

Chronic urgency has historical, personal, and environmental sources.

Personal

Perfectionism is often present.

Perfectionism happens because your identity is tied to your performance, which puts a lot of pressure on you to achieve excellence and perfection in all your endeavors.

There’s no let-up to this internally propelled drive. It’s like walking through a landmine and hoping you don’t make a misstep and blow yourself up.

To a lesser degree, yet still present, is the need to feel productive. Busyness in these instances is a defense against feeling inept and unworthy.

With both perfectionism and compulsive productivity, you may have grown up in a family where achievement was rewarded and required. Anything less was considered failure.

Historical

If you experienced emotional, physical, or sexual abuse as a child, or grew up in an environment filled with chaos and uncertainty, you’re more susceptible to chronic urgency as an adult.

This includes things like:

• Carrying adult responsibilities as the oldest child
• Living with a depressed or volatile parent
• Moving frequently
• Navigating divorces and difficult step-parents
• Being in foster care
• Growing up around substance abuse.

All these experiences create hypervigilance and fear, keeping you on high alert. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As an adult, that alarm system keeps running even when there are no threats and nothing to fear.

Environmental

Now we get to “hustle culture” and the belief that you’ve got to push yourself through any and every obstacle that presents itself, whether you have the emotional energy or not.

You’re plagued by FOMO (fear of missing out), which urges you to spend every waking moment staying on top of your goals and activities so you don’t end up at the bottom.

To make things worse, people have constant access to you via text and email.

It’s common practice now for your supervisor or boss to email you after hours and on weekends. There’s an expectation that you’ll respond 24/7.

Boundaries are blurred or nonexistent. And if you balk, there may be repercussions. You’re passed over for the next promotion or given the cold shoulder, but not so blatantly that you can confront it.

Work becomes everything, busyness is king, and relaxation is for sissies.

You need to prove you’re a rock star. It’s an all-or-nothing proposition, and it destroys your nervous system.

Six Ways to Start Changing It

The good news is that even though these patterns evolve over time, they can be reversed through intentional use of strategies that challenge them. Here are six that I’ve practiced myself and used successfully with my clients.

1. Name it as soon as you notice it.

Becoming aware of how often and under what circumstances you feel urgency is the first step.

Each time you notice it, stop and acknowledge it. I’ve found it helps to choose a word or phrase that captures it and say it. I have two:

• You’re moving too fast! Slow down!” – when I find myself racing through something.
• “You’re grasping! Take a moment!” – when I’m chasing time or catastrophizing.

By using the same phrases repeatedly, you get good at catching yourself. This helps break up the runaway feeling of alarm.

2. Practice being slow and deliberate.

Once you’ve caught yourself feeling and acting with urgency, proceed slowly and very deliberately.

To do that, focus your attention on small movements, slower steps, taking breaths between thoughts, and doing one thing at a time.

When you do something slowly with full attention, you actually do it faster. It’s a paradox that research has shown to be true.

It’s like the story of the hare and the tortoise. The tortoise plods along slowly and consistently, while the hare shoots out of the gate and wears himself out so he can barely get to the finish line and loses the race.

When you work single-mindedly with slower, deliberate movements (mental or physical), you conserve energy, protect your nervous system, and make better use of all your faculties to get you to your goal.

This practice works as well when you’re in the kitchen making dinner or writing an annual marketing strategy for your company.

3. Build in micro-pauses.

Add in small intentional pauses between transitions from one activity to another.

Before you get out of your car, sit for two minutes. After a work meeting, do a round of square breathing​ before diving into another task. After 60 to 90 minutes of deep work, take a 10-minute break before transitioning to a new activity.

In other words, build in micro-pauses throughout the day.

Small changes like this help rewire your brain, calm your nervous system, and create emotional space.

Urgency feeds on relentless speed, which provides no windows for intervention.

4. Ask yourself, “Is this situation actually urgent?”

This question is the dividing line between busyness and true urgency.

Some people simply enjoy being busy, but don’t feel urgency unless it’s truly warranted. People who have a sense of chronic urgency apply that alarm indiscriminately to every situation.

By asking the question, you pull your attention in, slow it, and examine the validity of the feeling. You access your thinking brain while cooling your emotions.

And the more you practice it, the better you train your mind to automatically question your emotional alarms before taking action.

Often, the answer to the question is that it’s not urgent. That realization is freeing and relieving.

5. Rest is protective too! And your body knows it.

Taking a nap, talking to friends, having dinner with family, watching a favorite TV show, or reading for fun are activities that require you to be present.

They’re also productive. They nurture you, enhance your relationships and social connections, and cool your nerves.

Build these activities and rest periods into your schedule. Put them on your calendar if need be, and call them productive. Because they are!

More is not better when it comes to stress. Push yourself too hard, and your productivity lessens. In addition, your relationships suffer, as does your sense of well-being.

6. Identify your sources of chronic urgency.

Using the three categories – personal, historical, and environmental – examine where your sense of urgency comes from.

Most of us are already aware of some environmental stressors, but you may not have considered the personal and historical ones, especially the latter.

Obviously, no one can redo their history, nor should you try. But identifying stressors you grew up with helps you understand how you came to feel a sense of urgency that seeps into your everyday life.

You need to see it to distinguish between what was then and how it is now.

If you were the oldest child, avoiding one parent’s anger and soothing another parent’s depression while protecting your siblings, you felt responsible for everyone and had no choice in the matter. You adapted.

But that’s not true now. You don’t have to hold everyone up. Challenging these internal beliefs helps you clarify reality and change patterns that are no longer adaptive or in your best interest. The same applies to learned perfectionism.

Take a serious look at it, and if you need help, seek it out.

Urgency has a place, but it shouldn’t have a starring role.

We all need some urgency. Otherwise, we’d do nothing.

Urgency is a tool you use when you need it to motivate you. You have control over how and when to use it. It shouldn’t be an ongoing state of mind that controls your every waking (and sometimes dreaming) moment.

The key is applying the right amount to get you moving when you need it, and then shutting it off when you’re ready to recharge and relax.

You’re the director, narrator, and editor of your movie. So take over!

That’s all for today. Have a great two weeks!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by ​Himanshu Dewangan​ on ​Unsplash

You have something important to discuss and want to be heard. How do you make that happen?

The answer depends on your audience. You’ll adjust your approach for your kids, partner, boss, friend, or store manager.

Still, some strategies work in every situation.

First, we’ll cover the best strategies, then move on to pitfalls to avoid, and finish with how to end the conversation.

Good Strategies to Use

1. Choose a good time when you know the person is available.

You won’t be able to have someone’s full attention if they’re pressed for time or preoccupied with something else.

The best way to ensure you have their attention is to check if they have time and energy to talk now. When your topic is important, timing matters. For casual conversations, it’s less critical.

If someone doesn’t have the time, you need to postpone it until they’re free to listen.

The best strategy is simply to ask. If the timing is off, ask when would be better and schedule it.

2. Start by orienting your listener to the topic.

Begin your conversation by briefly explaining the topic you’re going to address and why it’s important to you.

Keep it brief, but make sure the other person is on board and knows what you’ll be talking about. Above all, don’t begin in the middle of a conversation or engage in a long wind-up to the topic.

Don’t make your listener work to figure out what you’re talking about. Be clear. Spell it out.

3. Stick to one subject.

Get clear in your mind what topic you want to cover before starting, and stick to it.

Kitchen-sink conversations never go well. They’re confusing, create emotional distress, and lead to unnecessary irritability and defensiveness. Successful conversations cover one topic at a time.

If you’ve finished a topic and want to move on to another, announce it and make sure the other person is on board and wants to continue.

Minding the process is as important as making your points.

4. Summarize your main points as concisely as possible.

Provide information that’s necessary to understand what you’re saying and to make your point, but don’t add reams of irrelevant details.

Stay on point and avoid tangents. Be direct and clear.

5. Check in often and request feedback.

Pause frequently to check if they’re still with you and understand what you’ve said. Allow time for responses.

People stay engaged when they’re invited to participate in the conversation. Make sure you provide opportunities for feedback and responses, and listen closely. Show interest.

Your goal is to create a two-way conversation that holds each other’s interest.

6. Always use “I” messages when verbalizing your thoughts and feelings.

“I” messages matter most when sharing emotions.

When you say, “I felt angry when you (blank),” instead of “You made me angry when you (blank),” it’s more likely to be received.

Own your thoughts and feelings, even if they were triggered by someone else’s actions.

7. Pay attention to telltale signs that you’re losing the person’s attention and address them.

You can do this directly by observing: “It looks like I’m losing you. Am I being unclear, or are you pressed for time?”

By making an observation, you’ll bring their attention back and discover whether you need to shift your strategy or if they’re having a reaction that’s unsaid, or something else.

Part of being heard is maintaining a good connection with the other person. Keep the conversation open and collaborative.

8. Strive for clarity.

Be clear and deliver your words so the other person understands easily. Don’t make them work for it. Spoon-feed it.

What Not to Do

Now, here are a few things to avoid.

1. Don’t do a monologue.

A surefire way to chase someone away is to talk without breaks or regard for the other person’s time, feelings, or input.

Don’t hold someone hostage.

You’ll see signs: loss of eye contact, fidgeting, checking the time, suppressing a yawn, or rubbing the back of their neck. Stop and check in!

A good rule is to spend as much time listening as talking. If you do that, you’ll get more engagement and are more likely to be heard.

2. Avoid emotional dumping.

Expressing your emotions is fine and something that can be done well. But dumping everything out at once without coming up for air, or endless complaining, makes someone feel used and abused.

This is tricky because you do want to express your emotions. But to do that successfully, you need to be selective in both what you say and how you say it. The “what” should pertain to your main points, and the “how” should take into consideration the other person’s possible reactions.

You can deliver strong emotions constructively and without overload.

3. Never use personal attacks, insults, or condescension.

Showing disrespect reduces others’ willingness to listen.

Instead, you’ll raise their defenses and create a hostile environment, leaving both of you dissatisfied.

If the conversation becomes argumentative, pause and regroup. Take a break or discuss how to find a win-win solution.

Two people working on the same side to solve a messy problem is different from two people opposing each other with the goal of winning.

It may be that you need to listen to each other without direct debate and leave it for now, with a plan to come back later after you’ve both had time to think about what’s been said.

Whatever the case, be respectful!

How to End

Always thank the other person for listening and for their feedback. Do this regardless of whether there was agreement. In those cases, you can say something like, “You’ve given me something to think about.”

If they’ve given helpful advice or solved a problem, acknowledge it. Specify what they helped resolve and how. Be specific. People value knowing exactly what was helpful. It feels good, and they feel appreciated.

Aim for both of you to leave the conversation with something valuable, not just for your point to be heard.

When both sides gain value, your message will be heard and remembered by the other person.

You’ll also create or strengthen a relationship.

That’s all for today. Have a great two weeks!

All my best,

Barbara

Related articles:
How to Talk with Confidence (8 Surefire Strategies)
How to Truly Connect with Someone: Whole Being Listening
7 Tips to Improve Your Communication Skills

Photo by Getty Images for Unsplash+

You might be hurting your relationships in a quiet way—and not even realize it. In a few words:

You’re not showing up.

This topic’s been rolling around in my head since a conversation I recently had with one of my sisters. I had driven to her house, which is a couple of hours away, for an overnighter with her and two other sisters. I arrived exactly when I said I would.

But it hadn’t always been that way.

For years, my pattern was to show up late – and often over an hour late – for family gatherings.

On one such occasion, I overheard one of my sisters talking about this. What I heard in her voice was irritation, but also something that gave me pause: she felt hurt and unimportant to me.

Those weren’t the exact words, but they hit me. Hard.

I’ve never arrived late to a family event since then, unless there was a really good reason, like my car breaking down.

Showing up sends the message you care.

Today, I’ll review five effective ways to show up that can transform your relationships.

1. Show Up for Special Events

Unless totally impossible, show up to events that are important to other people.

Birthday parties, award receptions, memorial services, graduations, weddings – anything that has meaning and is impactful to the other person.

Your presence at important events shows you care.

What’s more, they’re remembered. When you don’t show up, your absence is noted, even if excuses are made.

If you skip important events without a valid reason, it sends a clear message: the other person doesn’t matter to you, even if that isn’t true.

2. Acknowledge

A simple way to show up is to acknowledge someone.

If your partner’s been out of the house at work all day and comes home, but you don’t acknowledge their presence when they walk in the door, you’re sending a message: “You don’t matter.”

Instead, as they walk in the door, stop what you’re doing—put your phone or screen down—and greet them with eye contact, a smile, and a warm hello. Show you’re glad they’re home by acknowledging that you noticed and appreciate their presence.

This applies to people in your office, friends you see out in public, and your kids when they make an appearance.

Acknowledging someone shows respect and care. You’re saying, “You’re valued.”

It’s a simple thing, but we often take each other for granted.

3. Reach Out

Have you been in relationships where you’re always the one initiating contact? You’re the one who calls first, makes the plans to do something, or simply reaches out.

How does it feel? Very one-sided, right? Like, do they care?

If you’re a person who waits for other people to reach out to you, for whatever reason, you’re sending a message you might not mean to send. For example:

“You’re not that important.”

“I don’t have time for you.”

“You’ve always been the one to initiate contact, so why do we need to change that?”

Maybe that is the pattern that’s been established, but don’t assume that it doesn’t create resentment. It does. And you’re broadcasting messages you may not wish to be sending.

If this is happening, examine why. What are your reasons? If you don’t want to spend time with this person, then figure out how to end the contact. But if it’s a friend you want to keep, change the pattern.

Make sure that you reach out to them equally. Make the phone call, visit, get together, whatever you do with each other. This applies to family members as well as friends.

Don’t take your relationships for granted. Reach out.

This pattern can also occur in romantic relationships when one partner does all the planning for time together, and the other rarely initiates it.

Reciprocal interest is vital for healthy relationships. One-sidedness weakens them.

4. Listen

Listening is an essential way to show up.

When someone’s talking to you, focus your full attention on them. Close your screens and put your devices away. Turn your body toward the person, make direct eye contact, don’t fidget, and attend to what they’re saying.

There’s nothing more annoying than talking to someone while they’re looking at their phone, or around, or fidgeting, and you can see their mind wandering off.

If you can’t listen right then, say so and offer a better time. Showing full attention builds respect and care.

5. Follow Through

The last way to show up is to follow through with what you say you’ll do.

If you’ve committed to something, don’t back out. Follow through.

Part of keeping your commitments is to think about them before making them. It’s much easier to follow through if you haven’t set yourself up for something you’re not going to be able to pull off.

Sometimes you don’t know ahead of time, but if you’re the kind of person who’s initially enthusiastic and then afterward realizes you don’t have the time or ability to follow through, then make those decisions using the 24-hour rule. Consider them carefully for a day before saying yes.

For more on following through, you might enjoy ​this article​.

The Benefits

There are three standout benefits to becoming a person who shows up:

1. Relationships improve and become easier.

When you make showing up a habit and others know this about you, they treat you with more respect, feel less irritation or annoyance, and approach you with a more positive attitude.

In close relationships, simply showing up resolves other issues that may be related to or offshoots of it. It builds empathy, trust, and intimacy.

2. Your self-esteem rises.

When you’re dependable and present for other people, you feel better about yourself. You feel a greater sense of belonging and don’t waste emotional energy on defending or making excuses for yourself.

3. Self-discipline increases.

To show up, you have to become more self-disciplined. You must pay attention to your actions and behavior, and create habits that make it easier and more automatic for you to show up.

You manage time better, communicate more effectively, have more genuine contact with others, and are generally more considerate and thoughtful. It’s a big win-win.

Must I Always Show Up?

Showing up doesn’t mean being taken advantage of or engaging in activities or relationships you’d rather not participate in. Don’t confuse the two. In those situations, you need to set boundaries.

But do make stronger efforts to show up for those you care about, and everyone will benefit.

That’s all for today. Have a great two weeks!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by filadendron

Labels are like straitjackets. They box you in and restrict your sense of self.

A label can help you recognize your skills, traits, values, and talents. Yet it also tightens your boundaries, creates rigidity, and limits your openness to new opportunities.

Labeling yourself is a tool your ego uses to help you define who you are. However, you are more than the labels you give yourself. Labels shrink you.

Let’s begin by exploring how the ego defines itself, and then move on to practical strategies that help you stay open to self-exploration and change.

Self-Definition

When you define something, you create edges and boundaries so that it stands out against a background.

Think of a painting.

You start with a blank canvas. First, you make sure it’s clean, has no holes, and is smooth so it will hold the paint.

Next, you outline your picture with a pencil. The outline isn’t excessively detailed. It’s a general shaping of what you’re going to paint.

Then you start adding layers of paint. You begin with broad strokes of color. Next, you add refined layers to define details, build shadows, and transform your two-dimensional sketch into a three-dimensional image that seems ready to jump off the page.

You make corrections along the way as you paint. Each stroke creates something new. Still, the work stays within the original structure. At some point, you finish, and the image is complete and stable.

Labels

Labels are a primary way the ego creates identity on your “self” canvas. Instead of painting, you simply name something, which adds definition.

Here are some labels that someone might use.

I’m left-brained.

I’m a brilliant cook.

I’m intense.

I’m caring, empathetic, and highly attuned to people’s feelings.

I’m a Leo. I’m a Capricorn.

I’m an American through and through.

We have an infinite number of labels that define us. Some are global, and some are very specific.

Labels can be positive or negative. The ones I’ve just listed are positive. But someone might label themselves as selfish, stupid, klutzy, a failure, or simply incapable.

Whatever labels you use, you’re adding borders around your “self” and empowering them to exert control over who you are and can become.

Naming something gives it power. A name or label is exclusive, setting roadblocks against opposing influences.

What To Do Instead

Labels aren’t inherently bad, but be careful in how you use them. A better approach is to describe yourself without labeling.

Instead of saying, “I’m intense,” say, “I feel things deeply (or intensely), especially things I care about.”

The second sentence acknowledges your intensity but doesn’t reduce your entire personality to it. It also offers more context.

You’re showing that you care deeply about things, which is quite different from saying, “I’m intense.”

Instead of labeling yourself, you’re describing your attributes, values, and talents. You share who you are, but don’t confine yourself to one label.

It might seem like we’re just talking semantics, but the way these words are delivered matters.

Not only for the person listening, but also for you.

Labeling yourself restricts your identity to that word and can create confirmation bias once the idea is in your mind.

You search for experiences that confirm the label. Pretty soon, you wear it like a badge or name tag for quick identification.

Others might also reinforce the bias by repeating the assigned label.

Try this exercise:

1. Write down the prominent labels you use to describe yourself.

You can also include labels that others have used to describe you.

For each label, consider how it might limit your self-perception.

2. Now, rewrite them.

Change the label from a noun statement about your identity to a verb or phrase that describes the behavior. For example, think of moments when you act in line with this label and describe what you do, rather than who you are.

Instead of saying, “I am (insert label),” try writing, “I do (the action implied by the label)” and, when possible, specify the circumstances in which you behave that way. For instance, describe if this happens at work, with friends, or in specific situations.

Instead of saying:

“I’m the best manager,”

Say:

“I’m good at managing things. I know how to assess problems, prioritize what needs to be done, and do it in the most efficient order.”

You can see the difference. In the first sentence, you’re equating a quality with your sense of self. In the second sentence, you’re describing your capabilities and how they might be used.

Using a label isn’t wrong, but recognizing that you’re more than your attributes is a must. These assets are part of your identity and reflect your values, but they aren’t all of who you are.

And once they’re labeled, they restrict you.

Practicing this exercise will help you broaden your sense of self and define your assets more clearly without limiting them.

You can still acknowledge all your gifts and talents, but without shrinking yourself to any single one.

Another issue is:

Once you apply a label to yourself, you set a bar, and if you flounder or do something contrary to that label, you feel like a failure. Labels foster an either/or mentality.

Avoiding labels is especially important when they’re negative. Repeating them traps you and makes it harder to break free.

When you tell a child repeatedly that they’re lazy, they will eventually internalize that label and act accordingly.

The same goes for adults. Labels have power, so use them cautiously.

You can still aspire to personal qualities such as trustworthiness, honesty, and hard work, but be careful how you describe them. Make them active and describe them in behavioral terms.

One More Thing to Consider

When you establish a label and other people accept it, they expect it of you.

If you refer to yourself as intense, people may avoid you because they don’t want to deal with your intensity, which they expect you to display in most situations.

On a more negative note, if you’ve labeled yourself as a failure, people may always be on the lookout for you to slip up or fail.

Labels are part of the stories you tell yourself and share with others. People pick up your stories, remember them, and repeat them back, thereby reinforcing them.

Think of It Like Praise

When you praise someone, it’s better to focus on what they’ve done or how they’ve behaved rather than who they are. Instead of saying, “You’re so talented,” you can say, “You played that violin like a classical master. It was heavenly.”

Labeling and praising have similar results. Always focus on the behavior if possible. That way, you avoid making someone feel trapped or setting them up to fail.

That’s all for today. Have a great two weeks!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by A. C. for Unsplash+

If someone does something nice for you, do you feel an obligation to return the favor?

Most of us do.

Your neighbor offers to pick up your daughter from school when she picks up her son, so you can keep working on your report that has to be on your boss’s desk tomorrow morning.

A clerk at the hotel you’re staying at goes to extra trouble to straighten out your reservation, which was supposed to include two queen beds but has only one king. He gets you the right room and gives you a discount for the error. You, in turn, spend more money than you might have at the hotel restaurant, and you bring the clerk a café latte and pastry the next morning at the front desk.

These are obvious situations we all can relate to.

But a more subtle (yet not-so-subtle) one is receiving a donation request in the mail from a children’s hospital, along with a gift of personalized printed address labels. If you don’t make a donation, you might feel some guilt because, after all, they sent you a gift.

All of these scenarios reflect what ​Robert Cialdini​ calls the Rule of Reciprocity. It’s not a bad rule, but it’s often used to manipulate.

We’ll sort that out today and develop strategies to avoid it.

The Definition

The Rule of Reciprocity reflects an unspoken value taught early in life, which says that when you’re given something, you’re obligated to give something in return. Not begrudgingly, but out of gratitude.

This cultural norm has been in place for centuries and is a necessary structure in a society where we depend on each other to gather and share the resources needed to live and thrive.

“You help me, and I’ll help you.”

We’re a transactional species.

Reciprocity is also at the heart of our social system. Reciprocal acts of kindness and empathy create a sense of belonging and build social structures.

However, the rule of reciprocity can be exploited and often is. That’s what makes it difficult to know when to hold back and when not.

Here are two common tactics used. You’ll recognize them.

The Gift

In this scenario, someone gives you a gift, and afterwards, asks you to do something for them.

Sometimes this is done very upfront and feels genuine. For example, a neighbor brings you fresh veggies from her garden and says, “I have a favor to ask, and I’m hoping you’ll accept a gift from my garden in return.”

If you like and trust this person, you’d likely want to comply. “Sure, what can I do for you?”

The gift is not always an item. It can be a service or a favor.

You get a personalized free t-shirt from your car dealer when you come in to look at a new car.

Or your hired lawn service brings extra mulch for your flower bed without charge, then asks if they can do some new landscaping.

“Go shopping with me, and I’ll buy you lunch.”

Sometimes these offers feel manipulative, and others do not. Either way, accepting the gift likely compels you to comply.

Another response to the “gift” that research has shown is that when you accept a favor, service, or gift, you both comply with the request and give back more than you initially received.

You get a t-shirt, but you buy a new car! (That’s an exaggeration, but it makes the point.)

The Concession

The concession is a rather transparent tactic, but it still works.

Your friend asks you to loan him $100, but you say you can’t. Then he brings it down to $25, and you say yes.

The concession is a typical negotiation tactic. You ask for something out of the ballpark, and when you get rebuffed, you bring the request down to what you originally wanted.

You ask $400,000 for your house to a prospective buyer, and when he balks, you lower it to $325,000.

In the case of buying a house, this technique is expected. It’s not expected in personal situations as much, and it can catch you off guard when it happens.

The way it works is that you usually quickly comply with the lower request because you’re only comparing it to the larger one rather than evaluating it on its own merits.

You get boxed into an either/or decision and make a hasty decision.

This technique is called the “rejection-then-retreat” concession.

How to Handle Requests, Favors, and Concessions

First, you need to practice recognizing when they happen.

Awareness is key; it gives you mental space to avoid automatic compliance.

For the most part, reciprocity benefits us because it reflects our desire to work together, take care of each other, and show empathy and kindness.

Being manipulated into compliance is another story. You want to maintain control of when and why you reciprocate or comply with something.

When unsure, ask yourself these questions:

1. What is the motive of the person, company, or organization that’s making a request of you or providing an unsolicited gift?

In personal interactions with people you know, most situations are legitimate.

However, if you’re involved with someone who consistently does things for you that you didn’t ask for, to the point of being annoying or invasive, then the motivation is not healthy.

This person either wants something from you or is attempting to exert control, or is perhaps dealing with feelings of unworthiness or low self-worth and needs constant affirmation.

Time to set a boundary in this case. Gently tell the person involved that you would like them to stop doing things you haven’t asked for.

If they argue they enjoy it, let them know that although you appreciate their intent, it’s causing you stress, and they need to stop, and then stick to it.

2. Did I ask for this gift?

I use this one when I get offers to buy something or to give a donation.

You do not and cannot donate to everything, or buy things you don’t want or need. You have the right to make those decisions for yourself.

Even though you know this, social media, excessive advertising, or pressure from friends or relatives can make you comply with something you don’t truly want.

Separating true guilt or remorse for something you’ve done from imposed guilt from someone trying to get you to take a specific action is a key strategy to avoid the misuse of reciprocity.

It’s not necessarily wrong for an organization or company to use these tactics. They’re part of normal sales strategies.

Robert Cialdini calls these companies and sales folks Compliance Professionals. And they are! That’s their job.

But it’s not your job to comply.

Compliance professionals also hang out in social groups, so be aware.

3. Do I always need to give back?

No, sometimes you can’t. People who truly give usually aren’t looking for a return. The return comes in the pleasure of helping someone.

Sometimes you pay it forward by helping someone else later, when the opportunity presents itself.

Yet most of us will want to return the favor or be of service to those who have done something for us when we can. It’s a natural impulse, reflective of a conscience and a sense of kinship with others.

It’s also the mainstay of our interdependent culture and a requirement for healthy, thriving relationships.

Just don’t force it if it doesn’t feel right to you.

The Takeaway

Most incidences of reciprocity in everyday relationships are honest and without ulterior motives. But if you’re the least bit unsure, question it.

This is especially true when it comes to sales, either of products or ideas, or when dealing with people who cross boundaries easily.

Step back and ask: What’s the motive? Is this of value to me?

Take your time before saying “yes.”

When I’m not sure about something, I use the ​24-hour rule​: I sit on it for 24 hours before making a decision. Doing that avoids knee-jerk compliance. It helps! A lot!

That’s all for today.

Have a great two weeks!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Rachel Coyne on Unsplash

Why do some people seem to thrive during a crisis and not so much otherwise? They, in fact, seek out crises and sometimes initiate them.

For example, being late for an important appointment and then reacting dramatically to perceived consequences. Or overspending without minding their bank account balance, and freaking out when they can’t pay the rent.

There are many reasons.

Let’s review them today, and I’ll give you some guidelines for how to best respond.

We’ll begin with some common reasons why someone might be in crisis mode much of the time.

Chronic Emptiness

Feeling flat and empty is uncomfortable and can lead someone to seek ways to generate energy and interest.

This feeling is felt both emotionally and physically as a lack of drive, along with numbness and sometimes depression.

By seeking a crisis or creating one, you trigger the release of adrenaline. It’s energizing. You become immersed in something outside yourself. You feel alive rather than numb and flat.

Because you’re unable to generate this feeling internally, you need an outside source to do it for you.

Someone who chronically feels empty gravitates toward crises and chaos to stave off that emptiness.

Need For Attention

When someone is in crisis, all eyes turn to them.

Some people do this by being loud and dramatic, which works right away.

Yet other times, it comes from a shy, quiet person who isn’t loud but who draws attention to themselves with endless complaining about things happening to them.

Nothing ever goes right for this person.

The dramatic person immediately captures the attention of those around them and requires soothing, empathy, and, often, active assistance.

However, the quiet person displays a persistent helplessness that also draws people to them, prompting offers of help.

Either way, the need for attention is temporarily satisfied until the next incident.

It’s Familiar

I once knew a family with seven children that lived in constant chaos. Literally, their house was cluttered and in total disarray. There wasn’t a room you could walk into that wasn’t messy and disorienting.

There were few boundaries between the kids, their stuff, and their activities. They were wild.

The mom was oblivious, depressed, and dramatic, and she encouraged the chaos.

The father was a very successful physician whose life revolved around his career. When he was home, he was emotionally abusive and highly critical.

This family was very well-off financially, but they lived in a chronic state of crisis.

Growing up in a family where crisis and chaos are the norm can make them seem “normal.”

As an adult, a person with this history may seek out the same environment by either creating it or finding it. It’s embedded in their personality. It’s their emotional home.

Personality Disorders

There are three personality disorders known as Cluster B disorders that involve the frequent use of crises. These are Borderline, Narcissistic, and Antisocial. They’re grouped together because they’re notable for their use of drama, emotional reactivity, and erratic behavior.

People who have these disorders are more prone to creating and needing crises to deal with their particular psychological issues.

Borderline Personality

Borderlines are highly attention-seeking, fear abandonment, need intimacy but can’t sustain it, and are often chaotic. They use crises to get the attention they seek and avoid abandonment.

Conversely, they use it to create distance in a relationship when they feel too close.

There’s a constant push-pull, often facilitated by drama and anger. You never know where you stand. It’s chaotic.

Narcissistic Personality

Narcissists, on the other hand, have some similar issues, but they’re smoother in their manifestation. They require constant admiration and need to one-up to feel superior.

Narcissists can idealize you initially and drop you in an instant later. They’re unable to feel true empathy. They use crises to distance themselves. They may also use them to create circumstances that make them appear to be the hero.

Antisocial Personality

Antisocial Personalities are rule-benders and, at the more extreme end, criminals.

They’re master manipulators to get what they want, and will use a crisis to distract and gain the emotional upper hand to maintain control over you until they have what they want.

Antisocial personalities lack a conscience. They can be very charming and smooth, easily deceiving others for their own gain. They’re master scammers.

What’s most dangerous is the combination of narcissistic and antisocial traits used together. The extreme is a Psychopath who consistently uses crises to distract from his maladaptive and criminal behavior.

Personality disorders exist on a scale, which means that someone can meet the criteria for the diagnosis, but operate at the high end of the spectrum. It’s not a one-size-fits-all when it comes to diagnosing.

More important is recognizing each person as an individual and identifying where problems exist and how to address them.

For example, a high-functioning borderline can be a good parent, stay in a relationship, and use insight and therapy to overcome their issues.

For our purposes here, if you live with or deal regularly with someone who seems to be in a constant state of crisis, or who consistently creates them, a personality disorder could be part of the problem. But not always. Each case is individual.

What to Do

When dealing with someone who appears to be in perpetual crisis or regularly creates chaos, there are strategies that can help lower the emotional temperature.

1. React Calmly

When someone overacts, it’s best for you to underreact initially. In other words, be quiet. Speak calmly. Match the other person’s intensity with a lack of intensity and reactivity.

Dramatic people have a need to sweep everyone up into their whirlwind. If you don’t comply immediately, they may raise the bar by upping the emotional noise or by provoking you to join in.

If you’re caught off guard, you might be pulled in before you have a chance to create some emotional space and set a boundary.

In cases where the situation is obviously not a crisis, you can step out of the conversation or avoid it until the person has calmed down and can approach it more logically.

Some people are naturally more sensitive and become reactive quickly. However, if you don’t respond immediately and give them some time to calm down, the crisis often subsides. They just needed some time.

Part of dealing with these situations is discerning when someone needs immediate assistance or when it’s best to give them some space before helping.

2. Investigate

If you suspect the crisis is a cover for some other feeling or problem, investigate. Instead of reacting to the words you’re hearing, ask about the underlying emotions.

Ask a simple question like, “What about this situation is upsetting you the most right now?”

Doing that initiates a more cognitive approach to what’s happening. The other person has to use their thinking brain and analyze how they’re feeling rather than just acting it out.

As they provide answers, you can keep asking questions until the emotional temperature has dropped considerably and you’re getting to the bottom of what’s going on.

This approach is particularly effective when someone is trying to cover up a vulnerability.

For example, they may feel abandoned, insecure, hurt, or insignificant. Moving the conversation toward a more analytical exchange while remaining empathetic helps uncover what’s going on and correct or dispel distorted perceptions.

3. Opt Out

If you know the crisis is being used to manipulate in some way, you don’t need to participate at all. You can opt out without any interaction.

Often, the best response in cases like this is no response at all.

You make your excuses and leave, or simply don’t respond and wait for the other person to continue.

When you meet drama with silence, the other person will move on to someone else. Or, they’ll calm down. They may try to provoke you, but if you continue not to respond, they’ll give up.

One way you know that it’s not worth responding is when they resort to personally attacking you.

Once someone makes that shift, you know they’re attempting to manipulate you.

Set a boundary in these cases. Let them know you won’t continue, or simply walk away. People who use drama to manipulate can only be successful if you play along.

Two Ways People Use Words

One of the most helpful things I learned about communication is that people use words in two ways.

The first is a direct approach. You say what you mean in a way that’s clear, easy to understand, and matches your intent. In other words, the purpose of the communication is to have a genuine conversation in which both people seek to understand each other. There are no hidden agendas.

The second approach is indirect. Words are used to evoke emotions in the other person. The actual words used may not match the intended message. There are ulterior motives. You sense that you’re not hearing the whole message. It’s confusing.

The second type of communication is commonly used by people who need drama and who don’t reveal their true feelings up front. They use crisis to avoid underlying issues, or, at worst, use words to manipulate by toying with emotions.

When in doubt, ask yourself whether the person speaking is trying to make you feel something without saying it directly, or whether they actually want to communicate and are direct about it.

Someone may not do any of this deliberately if they’re upset, but more often, people know on some level when they’re trying to evoke emotions.

For instance, if someone’s hurt but doesn’t want to say it, they’ll say something else to make you feel guilty without being direct about it.

If what you hear is confusing, pause and be quiet for a moment, which stops the dramatic flow, and then calmly ask, “What’s really bothering you?” or “What is it you really want to say?”

If you’re dealing with someone close to you, using this strategy will help them learn to approach their emotions more directly and verbalize them rather than act them out by creating crises and drama.

You get the benefit of not having to deal with those episodes, and they get the benefit of learning how to handle their emotions more appropriately. It’s a win-win.

Last Note

If you are someone who gravitates toward crises, do some exploring.

How does it serve you and how not? What other issues or feelings might you be covering or avoiding that you could work on more directly?

We all have some drama in us, but you don’t want it to be your primary mode of dealing with things. Use it sparingly.

A caveat: Keep in mind that people have real crises that require empathy, understanding, and help. What we’ve been talking about today is different. It’s about chronic crises, often manufactured to address other underlying issues.

That’s all for today.

Have a great two weeks!

All my best,

Barbara