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I have a family member who’s very talented and creative; however, he has difficulty staying on track and finishing things unless there’s a deadline looming, and the consequences of not meeting it are painful.

In his case, he’s working remotely, has ADHD, and quickly veers off into remote paths of interest before realizing he’s no longer on the main road and loses himself in the backwoods of his curiosity. Yet even as he tries to find the main highway again, he goes off on another tangent.

Is this you or someone you know?

ADHD and working remotely both have their challenges, but even without ADHD, you may be someone who doesn’t do well without external structure to keep you focused on what you’re working on.

The solution is to develop outside structures you can use to stay focused and finish things.

Here are five strategies you can try.

1. Reduce isolation.

If you work remotely, feeling isolated can become a challenge that sabotages your productivity. This holds true even if you enjoy working from home and value your alone time.

Research has shown that lack of contact with other human beings over time can lead to depression, anxiety, stress, heart disease, and, over the long haul, dementia.

The amount of contact you need varies depending on your temperament and history. Regardless, working alone for an extended period starts to chip away at your productivity.

Here are four ways you can reduce isolation:

1. Consider renting office space outside your home in a location with other people. One option is co-workers’ space if you can manage that without becoming distracted. Another is your own office in an office complex or a group.
2. Head to a coffee shop, library, or bookstore that offers workspaces. Select one that’s stimulating without being overwhelming.
3. Join a community. One option is an online group of people working on similar projects, or another is a mastermind group where you meet weekly to exchange ideas and discuss your progress.
4. Join a study or workgroup. I know a psychology professor who offers study groups for her graduate students to work on their research papers. They all meet for several hours a week and study in a relaxed environment. They work independently, but being together helps them do their work and stay on task. A workgroup could provide the same structure. You can also team up with a work buddy.

2. Set up accountability.

Having someone hold you accountable regularly is one of the best strategies for staying on your work path.

That said, it only works if it’s highly structured. You need these elements:

Meetings should be weekly.

Going longer allows you to get off track. If you’re struggling a lot, you might want to start with meeting twice a week.

Your meeting agenda should include:

• Weekly goals and tasks
• A review of how you did the week before and where you got off track
• Revised strategies to increase your success

Meet on the same day and time each week.

Consistent meeting times create an external structure that you get used to, which helps you complete your work before each meeting. It’s a deadline that your brain automates for you.

Choose the right partner.

You might have a co-worker or mentor you want to work with. It can also be a friend who’s working on something entirely different than you are, but you both need accountability.

You need someone who will hold you accountable. The right person makes the difference.

Another option is a small accountability group, although one-on-one works best.

If you know someone in your area, try to meet in person as often as possible. There’s a heightened exchange of energy when you share the same physical space with someone.

3. Routines, routines, routines!

When you do the same things at the same times every day in the same space, your brain is delighted to automate that for you. And once something is automated, it takes much less energy to execute.

Plan your workdays in advance and make them consistent. You can organize it by the week. Try these automations to help:

• Wake up and go to bed at the same time every day.
• Do your most important work first thing. You’ll be less stressed the rest of the day and get more accomplished.
• Work in focused time blocks. This method helps keep your brain sharp.
• Take breaks as needed to stay on track. Once you enter a workflow, you can work for more extended periods. However, take breaks more frequently if the task is challenging and you’re tempted to switch to something else. Keep them brief, then return quickly. Work hard for 15 minutes, reward yourself for 5 minutes, and repeat the cycle.
• Try to have lunch at the same time each day.
• Remove distractions such as your phone, computer notifications, and any noise that bothers you.

4. Prepare in advance for setbacks.

You will have setbacks. Inevitably, something will get in the way of your staying on task.

When that happens, it’s easy to slip back into old habits. You get distracted, miss an accountability meeting, deviate from your routines, withdraw, or stop working.

Setbacks disrupt your resolve and momentum. The challenge, then, is figuring out how to reset them so you can return to your work.

The worst strategy is to wait until your mood changes and you feel ready to return to it. Take action first, and the motivation will follow once you re-engage.

People make the mistake of waiting until the mood hits them to restart, but that rarely works.

The second mistake is engaging in all-or-nothing thinking.

“If I’ve blown my diet today, I might as well blow for the rest of the week.”

You know what happens next, right?

Your bag of tricks must aim toward taking action, not changing your mood, and not giving in to perfectionistic thinking.

Mel Robbins uses a technique she developed called 5-4-3-2-1. She selects a task, counts backward from 5, and then gets up and does it. She repeats this process until her momentum shifts forward.

I use something similar that works for me:

I choose an action, set a timer for 5 minutes, and do it when it goes off, no matter what!

Both of these techniques override your emotions and work if you stick with them.

Remember that action leads to momentum and engagement, not the other way around. So, use techniques that focus on action while sidestepping emotions.

5. Raise your dopamine levels.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter associated with executive functions like rational thinking, decision-making, attention, focus, and memory. It also plays a significant role in motivation, anticipatory reward, mood, and movement.

There are things you can do to naturally boost your dopamine levels. These include:

• Exercise
• Adequate sleep
• Getting sunlight
• Eating a healthy diet with enough protein
• Listening to music
• Meditation

A quick way to boost dopamine is to take exercise breaks during the workday. Short walks, jumping jacks, or a brief YouTube exercise video work well.

Add a glass of water, and your brain will function much better.

The Silver Lining

The silver lining is that all of these strategies are helpful even if you don’t need more structure. If you’re already self-disciplined and can keep yourself focused, you may still need more interaction with others or can benefit from an accountability partner or group.

As our culture shifts toward remote work, we’ll need new ways to stay connected beyond the endless Zoom meetings that leave you feeling numb by the end of the day.

Try some of these strategies to get a head start!

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by GRAY on Unsplash

Do you have someone you’re worried about and want to help change, but you’ve had no success?

For example:

You’re worried about your husband who lives a very sedentary life, is overweight, smokes, and has an unhealthy diet. You’re afraid he could have a heart attack or a stroke.

Another:

Your adult daughter is involved with an emotionally abusive man, but you can’t convince her to leave him.

And one more:

Your son is depressed, works from home, doesn’t socialize with anyone, and procrastinates to the degree that his job’s on the line.

I wrote an article about how to change someone some months ago, giving you some general strategies to try. Today, I have some new ideas to help you leverage your influence even more.

Before we get to that, let’s review this important fact:

You can’t make someone change if they don’t want to. You can only exert influence.

So the question is, “What’s the best way to do that?”

Let’s begin by identifying what doesn’t work, and also how to use the brain’s natural tendencies to help. After that, we’ll move on to the strategies.

Seven Brain-Based Tendencies

1. We resist information that challenges our beliefs.

If you’re like most people, you charge in with a full slate of facts and information when trying to persuade someone. You’re sure that just hearing this will inspire them to change.

Not so. Not at all.

If what you say conflicts with their beliefs, they’ll resist you even more, and their beliefs will strengthen.

So, don’t start with information. You’ll just set up a debate.

2. Emotions are the key.

If you’re listening to a speech and someone drones on with information, your mind strays and you tune them out. But if they tell you a story that makes you feel something, you sit on the edge of your seat waiting to hear more.

Emotions are the doorway to influence. Facts only help once the emotions are engaged.

3. Our brains are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain.

If you approach someone from a negative point of view – maybe you tell them all the things that could go wrong – they’ll push away.

However, if you share something positive that inspires hope and energizes them, they’re more likely to listen.

Our brains are wired to repel bad news. Fear doesn’t necessarily motivate someone to change. More often, it increases resistance.

4. We need to feel that we have control.

If you’re pointing out all the ways someone doesn’t have control, and worse, add a hefty dose of fear to that, you’ll lose them. They’ll dismiss you.

It’s overwhelming and makes them feel more stuck. You have to present things in a way that allows someone to feel they have some control. It has to be their idea. We’ll get to that in the next section.

5. We believe we are the exception to the rule.

If someone smokes, they probably believe they won’t get lung cancer, even though many people do.

We see ourselves as an exception to the rule despite information to the contrary.

6. New information is welcome if it fills a gap in our knowledge.

Just as people need control, they like to have information that fills a gap in their knowledge base.

In other words, if someone is seeking information they need, you can supply it, and it’ll help. Unsolicited information is the problem.

7. Someone’s state of mind impacts what they’ll hear.

Trying to influence someone when they’re stressed or in a bad place emotionally will usually backfire. You have to pick your time.

Now, with all these things in mind, let’s get to some strategies.

The Strategies

Connect First

Before you attempt to influence someone, you’ve got to establish a positive connection with them.

If you’ve already been nagging, repetitively criticizing, or throwing worst-case scenarios at them, you’ve got to start by apologizing.

You might think that’s counterproductive, but it will go a long way toward getting them to listen to you.

Remember that when you criticize someone, their instinct is to resist, even if you intend to help.

You must start by removing the resistance.

You want the other person to feel in control, so your tactic should be to talk up, not talk down.

Investigate

Find out where they’re at.

After you’ve apologized and smoothed things over, open the conversation to learn more about their situation.

Ask them how they’re feeling about where they are. What are their thoughts and concerns about what’s happening?

Focus on their feelings, especially those related to self-esteem, but don’t push.

This conversation should be nonjudgmental. Your role is to ask questions, listen, and provide feedback on what you hear to show that you understand. Be empathetic.

Often, people won’t change because they think they can’t. Or they think it will be too hard, and the pain involved isn’t worth it. Or they’re in denial.

You might find out that they’re feeling horrible about themselves.

By listening without offering advice or telling them what to do, you’ll create a positive connection, and they’ll feel like they have an ally.

You can’t help someone if they don’t feel like you’re on their side.

If they’re in total denial, you can’t change that. However, a few good questions will offset them enough that they may later admit the truth to themselves. Let it be.

Model Behavior and Provide Positive Feedback

Now is your chance to influence the other person by modeling the behavior that would benefit them.

Instead of focusing on them, take some action yourself.

In the case of the sedentary husband, you might ask him to walk with you. It doesn’t have to be a long walk – just a stroll outside for 15 minutes.

Make sure to chat during the walk about things other than his weight or the fact that he’s exercising. Keep it light and fun. When you return, tell him how much you enjoyed walking, chatting with him, and having his company.

You can see how much more encouraging that would be than a 15-minute debate about the necessity of exercise.

Use this modeling approach whenever possible, but consistently frame your feedback in positive terms. Acknowledge even the smallest efforts or changes with encouragement. Here are some examples.

• “You’re looking great! That exercise is doing you well!”
• “Wow! You stood up to your boyfriend the other day. It’s good to see you valuing yourself.”
• “I love that project you finished. You’re talented. You should be proud of your work!”

Don’t directly attack beliefs or avoidances.

If someone’s avoiding something, they usually know it. They might talk themselves around it, but they know it. Your pointing it out won’t help.

So, model the opposite for them. But first, check yourself.

The funny thing about trying to change someone else is that often, you’re doing the same things.

I caught myself doing this the other day when I was upset about my son’s procrastination on a project he’s working on, and I realized I’d been procrastinating for a year on a course I’m creating.

I told him this story, and he had a good chuckle, but we decided to help each other out with weekly accountability phone calls.

When you’re modeling by making changes for yourself, it’s inspiring for the other person. They see you struggling but working on it, which is encouraging.

For beliefs, it’s best not to challenge them unless danger’s involved.

The best approach is to show interest in what they think and why.

I always ask how someone’s reached their conclusions, which forces them to think through their rationale and verbalize it. That alone can stimulate change.

One More Thing

When modeling behavior, don’t expect immediate changes.

Mel Robbins suggests giving it six months. You might not have six months in some cases, but it’s good not to expect someone to make quick changes when struggling with emotional issues and ingrained habits.

Try your best to provide support, but don’t rescue.

Enabling won’t help and might even complicate matters.

Be an ally but not a savior. To achieve real change, we all have to do our own work.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Suggested Reading:
The Influential Mind by Tali Sharot
The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins

Photo by fizkes, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Does this sound familiar to you?

When I wake up some mornings, I feel like my heart’s going to pop out of my chest, my mind’s running a marathon, and all I want to do is pull the covers over my head and pretend I don’t have to get up.

If you’ve ever had that experience, you know what morning anxiety feels like.

But why? Why do people feel more anxious in the morning than later?

You would think you’d feel rested and less anxious since you’ve been asleep for hours. But not so.

Today, I’ll explain why we have morning anxiety, what it feels like, and what you can do to minimize it.

What it Feels Like

The symptoms are both physical and psychological. Here’s a quick list.

Rapid heartbeat. Anxiety increases the release of adrenaline, which causes your heart to beat faster. You might have palpitations and hear your heartbeat pulsing in your ears. Some people complain of tightness in their chest or an aching.

Difficulty breathing. You can’t get a full breath. You either hold your breath or breathe more rapidly and shallowly, causing hyperventilation. The more you notice it, the worse it gets. You might feel dizzy or light-headed.

Sweating or shakiness. Some people tremble or feel shaky.

Gastrointestinal problems. When you’re in fight-or-flight mode, your body shuts down systems that aren’t necessary to fend off the current threat.

Your digestive system is the first to be affected, resulting in gastrointestinal symptoms such as acid reflux, diarrhea, constipation, and stomach pain.

Racing thoughts and overthinking. Anxiety activates your emotional brain while setting up a blockade for your thinking brain. You fixate on worst-case scenarios, repetitive worries, and catastrophic thoughts about the day ahead. You feel overloaded and struggle to regain control of your mind long enough to calm down and think clearly.

Difficulty concentrating. Your attention span diminishes, and your ability to focus is hampered. You may experience brain fog or overload and have trouble making decisions or taking action.

Avoidance. Anxiety can be paralyzing. You find yourself procrastinating and wanting to stay in bed. You might pick up your phone and start scrolling mindlessly to numb yourself.

Sense of foreboding or dread. Some people describe feeling like something terrible is going to happen even though there’s no evidence to back it up. You feel negative with heightened awareness.

Irritability and anger. Anxiety is uncomfortable and leaves you feeling irritable, unable to relax, snappy, fidgety, and easily triggered.

What Causes It

Cortisol Awakening Response (​CAR​)

Cortisol levels (the stress hormone) increase as you wake up in the morning for 30 to 45 minutes.

The intensity may be heightened if you’re already feeling anxious about something or have health issues. For instance, if you go to bed obsessing about a problem, you might feel even more anxiety than usual in the morning.

Cortisol naturally alerts your amygdala (the emotional brain) to potential threats, which can elevate your anxiety and lead you to conjure up worst-case scenarios. It can also increase your heart rate, tense your muscles, and make you jittery.

Your Brain’s Default Mode Network (DMN)

When you’re not actively focused on something, your brain goes into default mode. It sifts through memories, past experiences, self-reflection, and thoughts about the future. Your mind wanders.

If you’re already stressed or worried, your DMN will lean towards the negative and fear-based mind scenarios that increase your anxiety.

You’re in a passive state when you wake up in the morning. You’re vulnerable and open to the mechanisms of your DMN. Subconscious material is more apt to surface and intrude on your conscious thoughts. When you add more cortisol to the mix, you experience a potent dose of anxiety.

The enemy sneaks up on you before you’ve had a chance to arm yourself for defense.

Unresolved Issues and Stress

You finished the day with problems hanging in the balance you couldn’t resolve. You might have dreamt about them with no solutions.

As soon as you wake up, the problems resurface in your mind, and you feel that anxiety all over again.

Poor Sleep

The sleep issue is a catch-22 because you need good, solid sleep to help you stay calmer and able to think clearly, yet stress and anxiety prevent you from sleeping well.

To make matters worse, if you enjoy a few drinks in the evening or consume large amounts of comfort food to soothe yourself, your sleep quality will suffer. You’re likely to wake up during the night and struggle to fall back asleep or toss and turn for most of the night.

You’ll be less able to handle your anxiety when you wake up.

Anticipatory Anxiety

We’ve already mentioned unresolved issues, and anticipatory anxiety is part of that process. You have a problem that looms over you, and upon waking, you start overthinking it.

You anticipate the many potential negative outcomes, which all skyrocket your anxiety and leave you precariously dangling on an emotional cliff.

Generalized Anxiety

Situational stress can lead to acute anxiety, but it fades once you resolve the situation. Some people have ​Generalized Anxiety Disorder​ (GAD), which results in frequent anxiety, often without an obvious trigger.

If you struggle with generalized anxiety, you might experience it most mornings, often with no apparent cause.

Eleven Strategies to Minimize Morning Anxiety

1. Plan your day the night before.

Focus on what you can control and choose things to give you a sense of accomplishment. Stick to small, concrete tasks you can start and finish, and avoid overloading yourself.

2. Create a calming morning routine.

Depending on how much time you have, you can choose from any of these options:

• Meditate for 10 to 20 minutes (or longer).
• Create a short list of things you’re grateful for.
• Spend 15 minutes journaling. Write down your worries and let them go for the day.
• Read something short and uplifting.

3. Avoid social media, news, and email if possible.

All of these things contribute to stress. Social media and news tend to exaggerate the negative and are predominantly fear-based. Email, especially concerning work, revs up your stress meter.

4. Drink a full glass of water first thing.

Even if you drink coffee in the morning, make an effort to drink water first. Since your brain is 70% water, staying hydrated can be calming and energizing and help balance your emotions.

5. Do four rounds of square breathing.

Connecting to your breath is a quick way to diminish anxiety. Inhale for four counts, hold for four counts, and exhale for four counts. Do that four times.

6. Exercise.

Exercise, especially aerobic exercise, increases serotonin, creates endorphins, and raises the stress threshold. It also relaxes muscle tension and regulates your breath.

If you can’t do aerobic exercise (walking works), try something calming like yoga. Even a small amount of exercise can help reduce anxiety and shift your mindset for the day.

7. Eat a nutritious breakfast.

Some people wake up with low blood sugar and need a pick-me-up immediately. A piece of raw fruit will do the trick. Avoid a big, heavy breakfast with lots of fat, empty carbs, and added sugars.

8. Challenge runaway thoughts.

If you lapse into worst-case scenarios, challenge your thoughts. What’s the evidence? What are you exaggerating?

Watch out for all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralizations, and fear-based predictions.

Focus on meeting the day with your best efforts, and remind yourself that even if something goes wrong or you make a mistake, you can handle it and make corrections where necessary.

9. Improve your sleep.

Try to go to bed at the same time every night and arise at the same time every morning. Aim for 7 to 8 hours.

Establish a nighttime wind-down routine that helps you relax before bed.

Avoid screens (especially blue light) a few hours before sleep. If that’s difficult for you, try substituting activities you enjoy, such as reading, stretching, yoga, taking a warm bath, or focusing on your breath.

For more suggestions, check out this article.

10. Abstain from alcohol or caffeine in the evenings.

Both can significantly impair your sleep and leave you stressed and irritable in the morning.

11. Try tart cherries.

You can eat tart cherries if you can find them or drink tart cherry juice. I take a tart cherry supplement every evening with dinner, and my sleep has improved dramatically, especially my ability to stay asleep.

Tart cherries contain a small amount of melatonin and, with regular consumption, have significantly increased overall melatonin levels in research studies. It’s worth a try!

Last Thoughts

If you have generalized anxiety, panic attacks, or OCD symptoms, you can use all of the strategies in this article, but they may not be enough. Consult a therapist. Counseling can help.

You can also read about ​Acceptance-Commitment Therapy, which can be very helpful.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

---

_FOOTNOTES

_{Blain, T. (2023, Nov. 9). 12 tips for better sleep with anxiety. Very Well Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-sleep-with-anxiety-5224455}

_{Howatson, G., Bell, P. G., Tallent, J., Middleton, B., McHugh, M. P., & Ellis, J. (2012, Dec.). Effect of tart cherry juice (Prunus cerasus) on melatonin levels and enhanced sleep quality. European Journal of Nutrition. 51(8):909-16. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22038497/}

_{Kay, I. (2019, Oct. 21). Is your mood disorder a symptom of unstable blood sugar? University of Michigan, School of Public Health. https://sph.umich.edu/pursuit/2019posts/mood-blood-sugar-kujawski.html}

_{Martin, S. & Abulhosn, R. (2023, Sept. 27). Alcohol & anxiety: Connections & risks. Choosing Therapy. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/alcohol-anxiety/}

_{Stalder, T., Kirschbaum, C., Kudielka, B. M., Adam, E. A., Pruessner, J. C., Wüst, S., Dockray, S., Smyth, N., Evans, P., Hellhammer D. H., Miller, R., Wetherell, M. A., Lupien, S. J., & Clow, A. (2016). Assessment of the cortisol awakening response: Expert consensus guidelines. Psychoneuroendocrinology, (63), 414-432. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psyneuen.2015.10.010}

Photo by SteveLuker

How do you deal with the prickly boss or the office mate who has something negative to say about everyone?

How about the mother-in-law who slides in criticisms of your parenting skills while flashing her saccharine smile at you?

Or the friend that sucks up all the air in the room and leaves you gasping as he repetitively recounts how unfair his life is?

One way is to avoid them, but that’s not always possible.

Instead, try these six strategies to help you navigate these situations without feeling depleted and beat up.

Let’s start with acceptance.

1. Allow people to be who they are.

Really? Isn’t that just caving in?

It might seem that way, but it isn’t.

One of the problems that gets in your way when dealing with a problematic person is resisting them. You resist who they are, what they think, and how they feel.

You see them coming, and your shields go up as you brace yourself for the onslaught.

That might seem like a good strategy, but it isn’t because it involves repelling them, which takes a lot of energy.

It’s easier to accept them and not feel responsible for their thoughts or feelings. And that includes how they think or feel about you.

Mel Robbins makes an excellent case for this in her book The Let Them Theory. She points out that when you give up trying to manage what someone thinks or feels, especially what they think about you, you get your freedom back.

You can decide how to respond, but you let go of the need to manage and modify the other person’s output.

That’s the first strategy. The next one piggybacks on this one.

2. Don’t try to convince.

Once you give up trying to manage the other person, you can also let go of the need to convince them of your point of view.

By doing that, you no longer need to defend, which is a huge relief.

It’s helpful to remember that just because someone thinks or says something doesn’t necessarily make it true.

People see things through their own lens, so let them.

Listen more than you talk. Be curious. Let go of your territory for a while, ask questions, repeat what you hear, and try to understand what the other person is saying.

When you do that, rather than repel or defend, the energy shifts. There’s no power struggle.

Keep in mind that you only have to listen as long as you want. You can bow out at any time unless, of course, it’s your boss or someone who has some authority. Even in that case, the time will be limited.

For the gossip or critic, a good question to ask is:

“Why is this so important to you?”

I’ve often used this question when a friend is ranting about another friend or family member. It always shifts the momentum and takes the person off guard momentarily.

They have to stop and think about their motivation. Either they delve into the question and say something more authentic about themselves that makes the conversation more meaningful, or they drop the subject. They might end the conversation.

Regardless, you’ve changed the landscape so that you’re more comfortable.

3. Make boundaries clear.

If you find that the interaction is compromising your values, set a boundary.

It’s easier to draw the line when you’re not so worried about being liked or perceived negatively.

You might say,

“I’m not comfortable talking about other people.”

“I respect that you have your opinions, but if I need help, I’ll ask for it.”

“I’m willing to listen, but not to be barked out or treated dismissively.”

You’ll know what you want to say based on the situation.

It’s not always easy to be that upfront or to set a boundary because you worry about how the other person will receive it.

But the alternative is to allow them to take advantage of you or hold you hostage.

In the long run, boundaries are healthy for both of you, whether they get that or not.

4. Be direct.

When you speak, be direct and make it easy to understand what you’re saying.

Avoid any hidden agendas or attempts to manipulate. Be straight up. Use “I” messages. Own your thoughts and feelings.

Also, be respectful at all times, regardless of how the other person behaves.

You can always opt out if the situation gets out of hand or becomes abusive or unruly. Stay true to your values and who you want to be.

5. Work on yourself.

The more self-aware and emotionally intelligent you are, the easier it is to get along with anyone, even someone who’s challenging.

Knowing and managing your strengths and weaknesses helps you understand your reactions when interacting with others, especially those you have more intimate ties to.

Self-awareness requires observing yourself from a distance as you move through experiences and situations.

It also requires knowing your triggers and soft spots so you get more adept at handling them.

Self-awareness helps you accept yourself and manage your emotions.

Another benefit is that the more you know yourself, the easier it is to read other people and understand their behavior.

This knowledge increases your compassion for how hard it is sometimes to be a human being.

You recognize that many of the ways people behave and react are self-protective. The more fragile someone’s ego or sense of self is, the more defensive they may be.

You don’t need to judge, but you do need to see what is, and react according to your awareness and who you want to be.

6. Opt out.

You will always encounter difficult people. However, being around or involved with someone who’s more toxic than occasionally difficult can harm you.

Sometimes, it’s necessary to cut ties.

A friend who’s constantly negative or critical may be one you want to let go of. An overbearing, nasty boss might lead you to find another job. An abusive partner may drive you away.

But there are also times when you can’t opt out.

Family Members

Family members fall into this category.

Families can be more challenging to navigate because the bonds are stronger, and you can’t choose your relatives.

Additionally, families are close-knit structures where the rules are often more lenient when it comes to respecting each other’s boundaries.

Even so, you can apply the same strategies we’ve gone over today but with more depth and energy output.

One thing that can help with family members is that you know them better.

You have shared histories. So you have more information about why each person acts and feels like they do. That helps.

Something that makes it more complicated is that you have a specific role in your family system.

Your role carries expectations and influences your relationships with different family members. And as an adult, your role often evolves or changes.

These relationships tend to be more complex.

We can write another whole article on that subject, but for today, try out the strategies and see how they work for you, whether with family members or otherwise.

I also recommend reading The Let Them Theory if you want to learn more about this subject.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Sergei Dolgov, Courtesy of iStock Photo

There’s a Seinfeld episode where George storms into his boss’s office yelling:

That’s it. This is it. I’m done. Through. It’s over. I’m gone. Finished. Over. I will never work for you again. Look at you. You think you’re an important man? Is that what you think? You are a laughing stock, you are a joke, these people are laughing at you. You’re nothing. You have no brains, no ability, nothing. I quit!

And then he blazes back out.

The funny part is that he goes back to work later that same week for a staff meeting and pretends he didn’t quit.

He burned a bridge, realized he burned himself, and then tried to take it back.

That can quickly happen when you let your emotions run wild.

The question is:

Is it ever okay to burn a bridge, and if so, when and how?

Today, I’ll review some guidelines you can use to help make that decision. I’ll also give you strategies for doing it in a way that’s effective while preserving your integrity.

What Does “Burning a Bridge” Mean?

Burning a bridge means ending a relationship, whether with a person, job, or organization, in a way that closes the door to any continued interaction or contact.

It’s meant to be a permanent decision without any possibility of reconsideration.

Before you take that step, consider these factors.

Guidelines for Deciding If and When

1. Play out the consequences.

Start by objectively considering all the possible consequences that could come back to bite you.

The worst thing to do is make an impulsive decision based on runaway emotions.

It might feel great to leave a horrible job in a blaze of glory as you unload all your negative feelings going out the door. That’s what George did. But what happens when you need a recommendation from your boss for the next job?

The world gets smaller when it comes to jobs, especially in a particular profession or area of expertise. People talk, and word can get around about any unprofessional behavior on your part.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. How will burning this bridge affect my future in the next 6 months, next year, or five years down the road?
2. How will it affect my current circumstances? Will the effects be positive or negative?
3. How will it affect those close to me or for whom I have responsibilities?

One other consideration, especially when burning a professional bridge, is to consider your age and stage in your career.

The younger you are, the more likely the decision will come back to haunt you.

That doesn’t mean you should avoid burning the bridge, but you might instead focus on making a change for the better without creating negative consequences that will follow you as you grow professionally.

If, after thoughtful meditation on all these questions, you still wish to burn that bridge because it’s in your best interest, then do so.

I’ll show you how in the next section.

2. Consider the degree of toxicity and its effects on you.

A good reason to burn a bridge is to leave a toxic, abusive relationship that you know has no potential for change or improvement.

Here are some questions to consider in this case:

• Is this relationship damaging me – emotionally, physically, psychologically, socially?
• Can we improve things and work through the toxic issues? For example, would an honest conversation conducted respectfully and calmly make a difference? Would counseling help?
• Would some boundaries give the relationship a chance to improve?
• Do you know that you never want to be linked to or in contact with this person again in the future? Are you certain?

If you come up with the same answers after a good deal of thought and getting some counsel from someone you respect, then go forward. Just be sure that your decision is intentional and not impulsive

3. Is the situation compromising your values and ethics?

If you find yourself in a situation where continued involvement places you in direct opposition to your ethics or values, you may decide to cut ties.

For example:

You’re an engineer and work for a company that builds condos. You find out they’re cutting corners with materials and procedures that would endanger the safety of the buildings. You confront the owner, who denies any problems, so you quit and cut ties permanently with the company and let him know why you’re doing it.

Cutting ties doesn’t have to be loud or public. It can be a personal decision you make and act on without drawing a line in the sand. You simply move on.

Other times you might need to make clear to a person or organization that you’re leaving, why you’re doing it, and that you want no further contact.

Or, as in our example above, you can go public if someone is in danger.

The Dos, Don’ts, and Strategies

The worst time to burn a bridge is when you’re angry, stressed, depressed, or in the throes of reacting emotionally to a situation or person.

Use the guidelines above to be deliberate and thoughtful before taking action.

If you decide to go ahead, use these strategies.

Write out what actions you want to take.

Include the circumstances under which you want to cut ties. For example, if it’s a job you’re leaving, who do you need to speak to? Do you need a second person present? Will you schedule a meeting? Will you put it in writing?

If it’s a personal situation, consider the same questions. Do you want to meet with the person alone or with another person present? Is there any danger?

Plan for any fallout or contingencies.

Write out what you want to say.

Write out what you want to say or list points you wish to cover.

In our example above, where the building contractors were using faulty building materials, the engineer wanted to make sure that he verbally objected to these practices due to safety issues and repercussions to prospective buyers. It was a case of ethics.

In other cases, you might not want a long discussion. You just want to inform the other person you wish no further contact.

Bring your best self to the table.

When you burn the bridge, make sure that your actions are in keeping with your values and who you are and that your behavior is above board.

You might feel very self-satisfied after ranting and storming out of a situation like George did, but the feeling will likely fade and leave you dissatisfied.

You can speak strongly without losing control.

Make sure you manage yourself, what you say, and what you do.

If you do that, the other party is more likely to hear you and learn from the experience.

Also, you’ll have a better sense of closure.

Consider This

When possible, don’t burn a bridge.

Life is fluid, and you’ll find yourself moving through it on a winding path. When you try to navigate it as a straight line, you’ll burn many bridges because you won’t let yourself acclimate to inevitable ups and downs.

You can make changes, shift directions, and try different approaches without burning bridges for the most part.

Sometimes your best bet is to take what you can from a negative situation, learn the lessons, and move on to the next phase. You don’t need to douse the flame at every step.

There are times when burning a bridge is a permanent boundary you must set for your well-being.

That’s fine. Just be sure you think it through carefully before doing it.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Matias North on Unsplash

This year is off to a challenging start. Regardless of where you are in life, the world is undergoing many changes.

We’ve got AI altering how we work, political ups and downs, and economic uncertainty as inflation remains steady and prices seem to keep rising.

All of those things spell stress – more or less depending on your circumstances.

I’ve got five new books for you that will help you reduce and manage your stress.

All these books focus primarily on dealing with stress when you don’t have the option to change external circumstances.

Even when you can’t change what’s happening around you, you can control what happens inside you. That’s what we’ll target with this reading list.

Here we go.

1. ​The 5 Resets​ by Dr. Aditi Nerurkar

Dr. Nerurkar is a Harvard-trained stress expert who decided to pursue the study of stress and resilience when she experienced anxiety and involuntary heart palpitations that kept her up at night. She was a med student at the time and overworked, as most medical students are, and couldn’t think her way out of it.

She recognized that she was operating under the “resilience myth,” which is “the idea that putting your head down and powering through rough times is what resilience is all about.”

Not true. At some point, your body screams at you, and your brain stops working.

So, she began intensive research while working with highly stressed patients, which led to the creation of the “5 Resets.”

These resets are more than just stress-management strategies.

Based on scientific research, they involve rewiring your brain and body to react differently to stressful situations through small incremental changes over time.

The five resets are:

1. Get clear on what matters most.
2. Find quiet in a noisy world.
3. Sync your brain and your body.
4. Come up for air.
5. Bring your best self forward.

She explains each of these in detail and illustrates with stories about real people who overcame acute and chronic stress.

What I loved about this book, which is different from many books about stress management, is the research she uses to help you understand why the strategies she offers work.

These strategies directly impact brain changes, so they’re more impactful.

The second thing I loved is the “Rule of 2,” which means you start with two small changes that don’t require a lot of energy but create results that motivate you to keep going. It’s an ingenious approach that works.

The best part is that you can follow this process on your own by reading the book and doing the exercises. I’ve used some of the strategies myself and love them!

2. ​Mind Your Mindset​ by Michael Hyatt & Megan Hyatt Miller

The premise of this book is that we all live with a narrator in our heads.

Our narrator seeks to find meaning by explaining how things work using cause-and-effect and how they fit into our scheme of reality based on our experiences.

In short, we tell ourselves stories about how things are, but not always based on facts.

The book has three parts. How to:

1. Identify (recognize) your narrator with a full explanation of how it works neurologically and psychologically.
2. Interrogate (challenge) your narrator to uncover biases, distortions, and assumptions.
3. Train your narrator to use its ability to imagine and create while also being mindful of the facts.

Mind Your Mindset was written by a father and daughter team. They run a multi-million dollar company that teaches leadership skills and provides performance coaching to help people achieve their work and life goals.

I found the concept of the “narrator” extremely useful in challenging assumptions and distortions.

Understanding how the brain facilitates this process also helps you manage it. I highly recommend this book!

3. ​The Let Them Theory​ by Mel Robbins

One of the opening statements in the first chapter of this book is:

“The problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people. You work harder, bend further, and shrink yourself smaller, and still, someone is disappointed. No matter how hard you try, it’s never enough.”

The Let Them Theory is about learning to control what you can, which is you—your reactions, responses, behavior, and actions. Not someone else’s.

The book’s first half describes how to “Let Them” be who they are, think what they think, feel what they feel, and do what they do.

The author delves into what this means and how it works. She outlines the benefits of giving up control of how others perceive you. It’s an exercise in radical acceptance.

The book’s second half deals with “Let Me,” where she discusses how you can respond. It’s where your control lies.

She offers numerous strategies for responding thoughtfully and effectively to provocative people and situations. She also delves into how to deal with other people’s expectations and criticisms.

There’s an invaluable chapter on enabling and rescuing and another on the pros and cons of comparing yourself to others.

There is also a special appendix section for parents to apply the Let Them Theory to children.

The book is full of personal stories that illustrate the content. The author’s compassion comes through in each one, and her track record of overcoming adversity is admirable.

4. Crucial Conversations​ by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler & Emily Gregory

Crucial Conversations is a detailed, actionable manual for how to navigate critical conversations successfully. The authors define a “crucial conversation” as a discussion between two or more people where there are: (1) opposing opinions, (2) high stakes, and (3) strong emotions.

The beauty of this book is that the authors identify the obstacles that arise in these conversations and offer comprehensive strategies to remove them so that everyone walks away feeling heard and satisfied with the exchange.

The book is divided into three main parts after the introduction.

Part 1 deals with what to do before starting a crucial conversation.

This upfront prep will go a long way toward ensuring you’re clear on the topic and how you want to convey it. It will also set the scene for a better outcome.

Part 2 focuses on the conversation itself – yours and theirs.

In this section, the authors do a good job of describing how these conversations go awry. They offer concrete steps to make it safe for everyone to talk, be heard, and explore each other’s points of view without defensiveness, overreaction, personal attacks, or withdrawal.

Part 3 addresses how to finish.

These chapters describe how to move from discussion to action – solutions, next steps, and assignments.

I suggest reading The Let Them Theory first, followed by Crucial Conversations.

5. ​The Comfort Book​ by Matt Haig

The Comfort Book is one of my all-time favorite books. It’s not a book to sit down and read cover to cover, although you could. It’s meant to be read slowly – one entry at a time.

The book contains short essays, poems, advice, stories, and metaphors. It’s divided into three loosely structured parts with numerous entries under each.

The author uses his own experiences with anxiety, depression, and psychological growth to narrate his journey.

You’ll find yourself resonating with many of the themes as they’re universal.

The entries vary. Sometimes, they’re philosophical, sometimes whimsical, and always comforting and insightful.

I’ll leave you today with an excerpt from this book. It’s one of my favorites:

You don’t have to be positive. You don’t have to feel guilty about fear or sadness or anger. You don’t stop the rain by telling it to stop. Sometimes you just have to let it pour, let it soak you to your skin. It never rains forever. And know that, however wet you get, you are not the rain. You are not the bad feelings in your head. You are the person experiencing the storm. The storm may knock you off your feet. But you will stand again. Hold on.”

That’s all for today.

Have a good week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Hiraman, Courtesy of iStock Photo

There’s no shortage of criticism these days. Just post a controversial comment on social media. Wham! You’ll get a barrage of them.

How do you decide when to take someone’s criticism of you seriously?

What if your partner accuses you of being late all the time?

Or a good friend tells you you’re too sensitive. You take things personally when you shouldn’t.

Maybe your officemate throws a sarcastic comment at you about your work on a report.

These are all criticisms – some blatant and some more vague, but you feel them either way.

Getting criticized is a fact of life. No one escapes.

You need a method to decide whether to respond or not.

I have guidelines for you that I use to address this question. Here they are.

Quantity Counts

If you hear a particular criticism once and never again, you might not take it seriously.

But if you hear the same thing more than once or from several sources, it’s more likely to be valid.

You should consider it before throwing it out.

This isn’t a hard, fast rule, but it does help you weed through what you want to respond to.

Consider the Source

This is tricky. You might decide the source is questionable, but the criticism has some validity.

In other cases, the source is not one you respect or trust.

The social media example is more likely to fall into this category.

If someone you don’t know and who doesn’t know you criticizes you, how valid can it be?

Indeed, it drops low on the scale of probability.

If the criticism is from someone you know, consider asking these questions. If any of them describe the person, the validity is shaky.

• They regularly criticize many people, not just you.
• Their focus is negative much of the time.
• They often project their problems onto others (accusing them of doing things they do).
• They seem unaware or in denial of their issues.

A quick example:

When I see a negative business review on Google, I always check two things:

1. Are there many positive reviews and only one negative review?
2. Does the person who left the 1-star review have a history of leaving bad reviews?

You can see that by clicking on their name. Not surprisingly, I often find they’ve left fifteen to twenty other 1-star reviews and no positive ones. If that’s the case, I dismiss their review.

The question is, do you trust the judgment and objectivity of the person criticizing?

As a rule, do you respect their opinions?

If you answered yes to those two questions, it’s good to consider what they have to say—not in every case, but overall.

Likewise, if your answer is no, you might dismiss what you hear.

The only caveat is that occasionally, a lousy source can still provide useful feedback.

You have to sift through the criticism to see if there’s any validity to any part of it. It’s a judgment call.

That brings us to the next guideline.

What’s the Motive?

When someone launches a criticism, they have a motive. Always.

Here are some common categories:

• It’s their job. This applies to a work supervisor, teacher, parent, or authority figure who guides your behavior.
• They’re genuinely concerned about your well-being.
• The criticism is a knee-jerk reaction to something you did or said.
• They’re genuinely affected by your behavior and don’t feel heard. In other words, they’ve brought up the problem more than once.
• They can’t face their issues and project them onto you.
• They want to hurt you.
• They’re a serial critic and make it a practice to criticize anyone and everyone.

In general, unless the person criticizing you is a parent or authority figure whose job is to help you improve your behavior or performance, you should question the motivation.

Ask yourself this:

Is what they’re criticizing you about directly affecting them? Or are they offering an unsolicited view of your behavior that does not personally affect them?

In the first instance, the motivation is more likely to be valid. Someone’s letting you know that something you’re doing is causing them distress.

If your partner tells you that leaving your work stuff on the kitchen counter every evening when you get home interferes with making dinner, that’s a valid criticism.

But if a friend tells you you’re too quiet in social situations, that’s more suspect.

Why does that matter to them, and why are they telling you that? Maybe they’re trying to be helpful, but maybe not.

The worst-case scenario is scornful or hateful criticism.

In those cases, the person criticizing desires to hurt you, and that’s not okay under any circumstances.

Now, we get to the fourth guideline.

How’s the Delivery?

Is the criticism a personal attack, or is it focused on a behavior?

Personal attacks don’t help. They make people defensive. And they’re usually exaggerated, which makes them questionable.

Generally, if someone comes at you with an arrow pulled back and aimed at your heart, you can dodge the attack.

However, if it’s coming from someone close to you, it may be more that they aren’t adept at expressing anger. They’re frustrated, and you need to sift through the complaint.

In those cases, step back and give yourself time to recover emotionally, but then examine the issue and see what action you need to take.

After you resolve the problem, tell the other person how to approach you better in the future.

These scenarios are common in intimate relationships.

What if the criticism is meant to hurt?

If the criticism is clearly a personal attack meant to belittle, humiliate, or hurt you, step back and consider the source and motivation.

If you don’t care about the other person’s perception of you, you may wish to walk away and let it go.

However, don’t let it go if it comes from someone you care about or know well. Talk it through, but be clear that you won’t tolerate personal attacks.

The Short Version

When someone criticizes you, do this:

1. Step back and examine the content of the complaint. Is there any part of it that’s valid?
2. If so, decide how you’d like to respond.
3. Take action to make behavioral changes, apologize if needed, and repair damage.
4. If you didn’t like the delivery, let the person know how to approach you better next time.

I would encourage you to avoid responding to criticism on social media.

Problem-solving in public is rarely helpful to anyone because there are no boundaries. It invites input from people you don’t know.

Besides, the lack of face-to-face conversation allows people to abandon civility and say anything they like without empathy for the other person.

For You

For you, a good practice to learn is how to voice your concerns in ways that can be well-received and not hurtful.

• Stick to talking about behaviors and not the person. Use “I” messages.
• Be specific about how a behavior affects you and what you’d rather have happen.
• Don’t directly criticize someone’s sense of self. That will backfire and, if done enough, damage the relationship.
• Assume that everyone’s sensitive to being criticized, and think before you speak.

That’s not always easy when you’re upset, but it’s crucial to preserve your relationships.

Always take a step back or a break if necessary to think carefully about what you want to say, the outcome you want, and how the other person might respond to your words.

If you stick to that, you’ll be more successful and appreciated.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Alexey Demidov on Unsplash

Do you ever wish your life was different? Of course you do. Everyone does. While your life may seem perfect sometimes, I’m guessing you have more moments when you want change.

It’s human nature. We’re always striving for something different, something more, something that will make us feel happier.

It’s okay to strive. Without that urge, you wouldn’t evolve. So it’s a necessity. But it can become an obsession. You think, “What if? If only . . .”

What about trying this instead?

Surrender.

Did you just blanch? Surrender? Never!

Surrender doesn’t mean giving up, accepting mediocrity, or losing your desire and drive to improve. It means making an impact. Right now. Right where you are.

Let me explain:

If you’re always striving and looking ahead, you’re missing what you have and what you can do now. After all, we’re always in the present. This day. This moment.

How can you make this moment meaningful? What can you do with what you have right now that fulfills your need for value?

Okay, let’s figure out how to use this idea to make our lives more fulfilling.

Straddling

You have to straddle the present and future at the same time.

If you want to look at it philosophically, the present always holds the future.

If you act with your whole self in the present, you create your future.

Of course, outside events and forces shape your future, too, but you have significant input, and you can use that to make your present circumstances valuable and meaningful.

In so doing, you have dynamic input into where your future goes.

How to Make This Work

Let’s get practical. Develop these three regular practices to keep yourself in the present while building a future and making an impact.

1. Relationships and Interactions

Focus on your daily interactions.

How are you conducting yourself in each interaction?

This question applies to people you’re close to, people you work with, and people you don’t know but cross paths with.

In other words, everyone you interact with, even if it’s just a nod or a smile.

Your goal is to decide how you want to conduct yourself based on your values and who you want to be, and then observe how well you do that and how often you stray from it.

By watching yourself, you become more purposeful and focused on your behavior. You give more of yourself in ways that add to others’ lives rather than detract.

It’s easy to underestimate the value and impact of a single interaction of goodwill.

Set these goals:

1. Affirm others’ worth regularly in thought and deed. That means offering words of encouragement, affirmation, and gratitude.
2. Be authentic in your interactions.
3. Be kind, considerate, and positive. If you have problems with someone, approach them respectfully as you seek to resolve the issue.
4. Avoid spewing hate, scorn, and criticism.

In other words, consciously observe and upgrade your behavior in your interactions. Doing that will change your future.

2. Daily Focus

Recognize the value of each day.

That sounds a bit trite, but I don’t mean that way.

As you start the day, decide what you can do to make it worthwhile and useful.

Set out your activities to provide as much service and value as possible in the 24 hours, including 8 hours of sleep.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s a heavy workday or a more relaxed day.

All days offer opportunities, even those when unexpected problems arise.

What’s important is your level of engagement, both behaviorally and emotionally.

What service are you providing?

Service is a broad concept that includes obvious things like caring for others, working at your job, or running errands for your family.

But it also includes attitude, willingness to engage, cheerful acceptance and execution of duties, and acknowledging the needs of others in your environment.

If you’re busy, you probably pay a lot of attention to your to-do list. I do that.

But it’s equally important to offer a kind and willing attitude and be flexible when needed.

It’s easy to forget that when you’re hyper-focused on checking that list off.

Fully engage with the right attitude and make your day a full circle in itself.

That keeps you present while sowing the seeds of a better future.

3. Reflection

Set aside a time each day, preferably at the same time, to reflect on your behavior, mindset, and interactions.

How did you do? What went well, and where could you have improved?

Nothing changes without reflection.

By setting up a daily review habit, you stay in the present and become intimately aware of yourself and your progress.

The caveat is that you must approach this exercise without harshness or a critical eye.

The point is to increase your awareness so you have more to work with. It’s not to be used as a means of berating yourself.

The more honestly you can assess your emotions, activities, and behavior, the better off you’ll be. You’ll know where to make changes and also feel good about what you’ve accomplished.

Some habits will take longer to change, but reminding yourself daily of where you are will help you stick with your goals and aspirations.

You’ll also increase your agency and gain greater control over yourself, which always feels good.

The Benefits

The three practices we’ve just outlined will help you bring your present into your future and simultaneously enhance and sharpen aspects of your personal development. It’s a win-win. Here’s how.

Sharpen Your Conscience

Focusing on your interactions with others will expand your use of conscience. You will become more acutely aware of your effect on others and your environment.

Our culture has become lax in this respect, but not to our benefit. Your individual input is powerful, so use it consciously.

Add Meaning to Your Life

When you focus on making each day valuable, you add to your sense of meaning.

You can see how your activities and input have value and impact.

You broaden your concept of service and understand more fully how your daily actions contribute.

It’s easier to pursue and accomplish goals when you see how they fit into the positive fabric of everyone’s life, not just yours. You feel a sense of community.

It’s easy to dismiss your impact when focused on the global problems blasted daily across every media outlet.

You still have an impact. Don’t underestimate it.

Increase Your Satisfaction

When you stay focused on the present and do what you can daily, you can feel satisfied that you’ve contributed to the well-being of the human race, including yourself.

You add to your happiness and peace because you’ve done what you can.

Not perfection, mind you. Don’t get caught up in being perfect.

Be good enough, compassionate, attentive, and active.

Add value. That’s enough.

That’s all for today.

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by fizkes, Courtesy of iStock Photo

What’s the biggest reason people seek marriage counseling?

Take a guess.

Most people will say communication.

That’s close, but it’s more specific than that.

It’s the inability to resolve conflicts verbally.

One way to upgrade your conflict-resolution skills is to recognize and eliminate the obstacles that get in the way.

When you address these, you’ll get better at talking through problems.

Let’s start with emotional reactivity.

1. Emotional Reactivity

Most people operate under the belief that emotional reactions have a life of their own and, consequently, you can’t control them. If you do, it takes tremendous effort.

Very often, the solution used is to suppress your emotions. If you can do that, you don’t have to react to them.

But, as we all know, that doesn’t often work. And if it does, it’s only a temporary solution because those emotions will surface again under similar circumstances.

A better approach is to train yourself to handle emotional reactions without much effort and without trying to suppress or repress them. Even if you’re very emotional, you can do that successfully.

The solution is to give your emotions space every time they arise.

So what does that mean?

It means letting them come up.

If they’re overwhelming, you can take a break until the fire dies down, or you can take a step back and observe the reaction as you have it without acting on it.

By becoming proficient at approaching your reactions with mindfulness, you can train yourself to use it automatically whenever you have an emotional reaction – even a positive one.

Get in the practice of watching your emotions ebb and flow as you experience them.

With regular practice, you’ll get good at putting space between your reactions and your responses.

You’ll gain a sense of “you” separate from your thoughts and emotions.

This “you” or “I” has the control. It’s the captain of emotional your ship.

2. The Need to Assert Yourself (or Be Right)

A second issue when conflicts arise is having a strong urge to assert yourself – your opinions, thoughts, emotions, and responses.

When someone says something to you that you disagree with or take issue with, the urge to defend and correct is intense. You want to be right.

The stronger you disagree, the more intense the urge becomes and the more impulsive your response.

The unspoken underlying belief that creates this urge is that if you don’t defend, you agree.

And if the issue pertains to a value you hold dear, the need to defend is stronger because your identity is threatened.

That’s why people become so fiery when the subject matter is something of particular value to them.

The way to get around this is to recognize that listening to someone’s assertions or ideas, even if they’re opposite of yours, does not imply agreement.

Nor is it penetrating your sense of self.

You could listen to someone rant for thirty minutes about something you disagree with, but that doesn’t change your stance unless they happen to say something that resonates with you.

When you know and remember this, you can calmly hear someone out before jumping in and defending.

You can ask questions and encourage them to elaborate and voice their thoughts and feelings without jumping in and defending or correcting them.

That skill is the most important one for successfully resolving conflicts. It allows you to see the other person’s point of view with insight and empathy. It creates a connection between you and them, so you’re on the same side.

You’ll have your turn, but your responses will be more effective and potent if you thoroughly listen first and understand the other person’s perspective.

3. Backstories

Backstories add layers to conflicts.

Backstories are your previous attempts to resolve an issue. You may have had the same conversation more than several times and been unsuccessful.

Or worse, you’ve been upset about something for a long time and not verbalized it. So, by the time the subject finally surfaces, you’ve built up a vault of resentment and anger that will likely spew once you allow yourself to express it.

The best approach to preventing this is to discuss and resolve problems when they arise rather than allowing them to build up.

If you have difficulty resolving an issue, dedicate yourself to pursuing it until you meet success.

Get help if needed, or divide your attempts to discuss the problem over several talks rather than all at once.

However you decide to do it, the goal is not to let it sit and fester.

Conflicts with long backstories are much more complex to resolve.

4. Resentment and Grudges

Built-up resentment can morph into grudges. And grudges are destructive – to you and the person you have a grudge against.

When you hold a grudge against someone, you ruminate about it.

You review the offending incident repetitively in your mind, building and embellishing the story each time, focusing on how you were mistreated. With each review, your anger builds.

People can hold grudges for years.

The problem is that ruminating about what happened doesn’t affect anyone but you. You feel miserable and more as time passes.

It spills into other interactions you have, either with the same person or in similar circumstances.

Grudges don’t offer anything of value. They hurt you and may hurt your future relationships.

If you can’t resolve them with the offending person, you need to work on letting them go for your own sanity and mental health.

Part of that entails recognizing the other person’s issues that led to their behavior and maybe empathizing with them.

It also requires you to dispel some of your assumptions and cognitive distortions about what happened.

We’re storytellers, and we can turn a single incident into a novel that’s unrelated to what originally happened.

Watch your grudges and resolve them before they grow.

5. Assumptions

Many conflicts arise or are exacerbated by your assumptions about what someone is thinking, feeling, or doing.

Before jumping to conclusions, assume the role of an investigator and gather the facts without prejudice before deciding what’s going on or what the other person or persons are thinking and intending.

Slow down the process.

When you investigate, you move from emotional mode to thinking mode. You become calmer, gain emotional distance, and create mental space to examine what’s happening.

Being an investigator and listening are the two most essential skills for successfully approaching and resolving conflicts. And they go together.

You listen, ask questions, dig deeper, and get a complete picture of the other person’s feelings and thoughts. You find out how they arrived there, what they’re afraid of, and their intentions.

When you have all of that information, your response will be thoughtful and informed. You’ll be able to connect even when you strongly disagree.

That’s because instead of focusing only on what you disagree with, you’ll focus on the whole person. This will allow you to protect the relationship while working through the conflict.

Or, if you know you don’t want to continue a relationship, you can leave it with resolve and know you did your best to make it work.

6. All-or-Nothing Thinking

All-or-nothing thinking implies two opposing sides: one is right, and one is wrong.

To resolve conflicts in a way that protects the integrity of the relationship, you need a win-win. Both people should feel heard, respected, and understood.

Even in cases where you agree to disagree, there must be a mutual sense that each person’s point of view is understood.

Keep that in the front of your mind when you’re approaching a disagreement or conflict, and practice maintaining respect throughout and giving the other person plenty of time to explain what’s on their mind.

Ask questions with curiosity and show empathy for their feelings.

If you do that, along with being a good listener and investigator, you’ll get good at negotiating and resolving contentious issues.

You’ll also preserve and deepen your relationships.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Suggested Reading:
Be An Empathetic Detective to Improve Your Relationships
How to Truly Connect With Someone: Whole Being Listening

Photo by Photo by Ashley Light on Unsplash

We all have comfort zones. They’re familiar places and situations that don’t challenge us much. They’re easy and don’t require a lot of energy.

Some of them, like regular self-care routines, are good for you. But many of them are not.

These are the ones you get stuck in, and instead of providing a respite, they’re a means of avoidance. They’re ingrained patterns of dealing with particular situations and emotions you want to side-step.

It’s in your best interest to become aware of your comfort zones and only keep those that serve you well.

Today, I’m sharing five comfort zones I had to let go of. You may have some of the same ones. I’ll show you how they work and how you can become more aware of yours.

The first one is well-known!

1. People-Pleasing

If you’re the oldest child in your family, you likely know all about people-pleasing, although it can be a comfort zone for anyone regardless of family position.

For me, people-pleasing has always been a means of accomplishing three things:

1. Gaining acceptance and admiration for what I can do.
2. Avoiding confrontations or anger directed toward me.
3. Keeping the peace. Especially keeping the peace!

Now, the thing about any comfort zone is that you get both primary and secondary gains.

The primary gains are apparent, like my list above. These are overt, conscious gains you get.

Secondary gains are not so noticeable, but it’s essential to identify them. If you don’t do that, the behavior will operate automatically.

My secondary gains in people-pleasing are:

1. Avoiding confrontations.
2. Avoid feeling the brunt of someone’s displeasure with me.

That raises the question:

“Is a comfort zone like people-pleasing only negative?”

No, it’s not.

Some comfort zones have positive and negative benefits, and people-pleasing is one of those.

Caretakers and managers have valuable skills, and helping others is healthy, but only when it doesn’t cost anyone. Using it to avoid who you are and what’s important to you is detrimental.

I had to redefine people-pleasing as a means of using my managerial skills to serve others, but not at the expense of my well-being.

That required getting good at setting boundaries and not worrying so much about being liked or dealing with someone’s displeasure.

If this is one of your comfort zones, work on boundary-setting. It’s may be difficult at first, but the more you do it, the easier and more automatic it will become.

In the process, you’ll let go of this costly comfort zone and still help others when you want to.

2. Chronic Depression

Being depressed is not a sought-after comfort zone.

The label itself isn’t entirely accurate because being depressed is not comfortable and is rarely within your control.

No one seeks out depression, and in some cases, it’s a severe problem.

That said, chronic depression can oddly become a comfort zone of sorts. It’s a place to retreat, albeit a painful one. It’s familiar.

I saw a young woman in therapy once who admitted to me that one evening, as she sat on her bed lamenting her life, which she often did, she felt the shadow of depression moving into her consciousness and, for a fleeting moment, felt pleasure in its presence.

She explained,

“It’s familiar. It’s my old, ugly friend that never deserts me.” She added, “Sick, huh??”

No, not really. It exemplifies the human need for familiarity, and if you’ve grown up around depression and with depression, it becomes a part of your identity.

It’s like living in an old, bug-ridden shack of a house that, on the surface, you don’t like, but it’s home. Not a good home, but home nevertheless.

Being depressed is a painful experience that blunts your emotional and physical energy to perform life duties. It lends itself to oversleeping, binge-watching TV, crying in some cases, and having little interest in much of anything other than vegetating.

The secondary gains are that you can spend time beating yourself up for what you’re not accomplishing, which leads to more depression, and at the same time, avoid interacting with your life.

A circular trap of “retreat – avoid – punish” keeps you isolated and immobile.

I used to call it the abyss, and most people who’ve experienced chronic depression all agree that’s what it feels like.

Thinking about depression as a comfort zone (or habitual pattern) can help you begin to unravel it.

Most people with chronic depression seek out help, but some don’t. It is necessary to get help and recognize secondary gains in the process of working it through.

It’s a longer process, but you can successfully emerge from it, and once you do, it doesn’t return. Your identity and sense of worth change.

3. Procrastination

Procrastination is the most common comfort zone on this list.

The secondary gains of procrastinating are easy to identify. You get to avoid what you don’t want to do.

You can instead engage in pleasurable activities with more enjoyment because it feels like you’re playing hooky from school or work, and you easily lie to yourself that you’ll do it later.

It’s a familiar and pleasurable regression. Of course, it comes back to bite you.

Procrastinators operate from a deadline mentality.

Unless something sits on top of you and squeezes you, you can’t muster up the energy to get it done.

When the deadline looms just close enough that you can barely reach the finish line in time, you become energized enough to sprint.

It’s an awful way to do things. I went through undergrad and graduate school that way, which was painful.

However, I’m happy to say I’ve overthrown this comfort zone for good and now find doing things ahead most pleasurable. It’s so much easier! It’s a matter of changing the habit.

If this one plagues you, use every strategy you can find until you find the right combo to change your behavior. I’ll list my favs at the end with suggested reading.

4. Toxic Partners and Friends

This comfort zone is another common one. You find yourself attracted repeatedly to the same type of toxic person. It happens most often in romantic choices but also can be pervasive in friend choices.

This comfort zone almost always originates from dysfunctional family relationships.

If you like psychology, you can read up on object relations, which is the basis of this phenomenon.

In short, you choose partners that mirror the dynamics of your relationship with one or both of your parents.

This comfort zone is more difficult to overcome because it isn’t voluntary. It’s unconsciously ingrained.

And you find you aren’t as attracted to people who treat you well, even when the opportunity arises.

I’ve written more extensively on this subject. You can find that article by clicking here.

You can overcome this comfort zone, but it will take time, insight, and work. However, it’s worth doing because the reward is having healthy relationships that benefit you and enhance your life and sense of self.

5. Shopping Therapy

I saved this one for last because it’s obvious. If it doesn’t apply to you, congrats! It’s a bad one!

It’s so easy to engage in because you can order anything online at any time with a credit or debit card.

Shopping therapy is insidious because no matter how much you know spending that money will not be in your best interest, some part of you overrides everything you know in a split second.

There you are at the keyboard, clicking “purchase!” with that sense of satisfaction. All rationality is suspended momentarily.

And then comes the “Ouch!”

The antidote to shopping therapy is cultivating small, pleasurable rewards that are good for you.

The more you do that, the sooner you burn out your desire to treat yourself to impulsive shopping.

Another strategy is to review your bank account or budget daily or weekly to keep the reality of your spending in the front of your mind.

After a while, you won’t take pleasure in overspending. You associate it with pain, not pleasure.

You’ll take more pleasure in controlling your spending and saving money.

How to Use All of This

Set aside an hour or more to write down your comfort zones. List the ones you engage in most often, and see if you need to make changes.

Comfort zones operate automatically, often under the radar. You need to be aware of them to control them.

Once you have the list, tackle them one at a time until you succeed in letting them go.

That’s all for today!

Happy January!

All my best,

Barbara

Suggested Reading:
A Quick Solution to Procrastination
Getting Comfortable with Discomfort
Do What You Say You Will Do
Atomic Habits by James Clear