Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by Khamkéo Vilaysing on Unsplash

There are many factors that contribute to the success and health of a romantic relationship, especially a long-term one like marriage.

Today I want to focus on just one factor that I think is quite important, and often not taken into consideration as much as it should be. In a word – authenticity.

Authenticity in a relationship means you can be your real self with your partner. You can truly express your thoughts, feelings, personality, values, desires, issues, and idiosyncrasies without condemnation.

That doesn’t mean that all your behaviors are okay, but rather that you can talk to your partner about where you’re stuck and what you need. It means sharing the deepest parts of yourself with your partner and vice versa.

Research has backed up the importance of authenticity in terms of both longevity and satisfaction in marriage. One study in particular honed in on two components that help a long-term relationship flourish. These are unacceptability of deception and intimate risk-taking. Let’s go through them.

Unacceptability of Deception

This refers to the desire to be truly known by our partners for who we are, and conversely to truly know our partners for who they are. People who desire this level of authenticity want:

• To be able to communicate with openness and honesty, and to have frank conversations without secrets or hidden agendas.
• Truthfulness even when what’s revealed is conflictual or disappointing.
• Exposure and acknowledgement of both our strengths and weaknesses.

Intimate Risk-Taking

This refers to taking the risk to reveal our deepest selves to each other; not just occasionally, but regularly. In other words:

• No topic is off limits for discussion.
• The most intimate parts of ourselves are safe to reveal to each other.
• Our deepest desires, fears, and needs can be expressed and heard.

Being authentic means that we feel safe enough to expose ourselves, even in conflict, and we trust each other enough to work through anything that arises.

The Role of Power

In order for us to be authentic with our partners, we must feel that the balance of power in the relationship is equal. In other words, one person can’t be subordinate to the other. When that’s the case, we hide things or keep secrets. Examples might be:

• Keeping something from your partner to avoid a conflict or reaction.
• Hiding your true feelings to avoid disapproval or disappointment.
• Doing more work in the relationship than you feel is your rightful share.
• Allowing your needs to go unattended, while catering to those of your partner.
• Being afraid to say what you really think for fear of retribution.
• Allowing your partner to make most of the decisions.

When one partner is more dominate than the other, and this pattern is allowed to persist, then authenticity is compromised as is the health of the relationship.

Why is authenticity so important?

We know what it means to be authentic and why it’s important for a relationship to thrive, but there’s another more fundamental reason that we desire to have someone know us intimately and without judgment. That’s the need to have someone fully witness our lives.

It’s a primal need humans have. We know we exist and we know who we are, but when someone else knows it, it feels more real. We feel validated. That’s why we seek out intimate relationships, whether they be of a romantic nature or with a parent or family member or friend.

We need to be known, be seen, be accepted, and be connected.

Being authentic, accepted, and loved at the same time meets that primary need in a way that nothing else quite does.

What you can do now.

With all that in mind, how can you increase the level of authenticity in your relationship right now?

If you feel you already have it, great! Keep it going and continue to reveal deeper parts of yourself as you go.

But if you don’t, start by thinking about why. Make two lists (both partners should do this exercise):

1. What keeps you from being totally who you are with your partner? Include in that historical issues like dysfunctional patterns you learned growing up, as well as current relationship patterns with your partner. What’s the power balance between you? Especially hone in on your fears. What are you afraid of if you reveal more of who you are and what you think?
2. Ask the same questions regarding your partner? What keeps him or her from being authentic with you? Do you have a part in that? What do you think might be an issue for your partner that interferes?

Using these lists, start having conversations about what you’ve both discovered. Ask each other what prevents you from being authentic, and what would make each of you more comfortable?

The one rule for these conversations is that they can’t be used to argue. They should be an exercise in mutual exploration and curiosity.

The goal for you both is:

To learn how to let each other say and express true thoughts and feelings without judgment or rebuttal, and to keep practicing that until it’s easy and automatic.

In other words,

Get good at listening to understand.

Have some conversations that have nothing to do with areas of conflict. Talk about what you each think about every day, what your experiences are like, your interests, what you hope for in the future, things you would like to change, and so forth. Get to truly know each other.

Even if you feel distant, you can begin to increase your authenticity. Your relationship will start to improve and deepen as a result.

Those couples who have been together for 40 and 50 years, and seem so close to each other, have worked at it. And they will almost always tell you it was worth it.

That’s all for this Monday. As always, I hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

PS – Suggested reading to work on your own authenticity is a book called Authentic by Stephen Joseph. It’s got some great exercises in it along with good information.

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

How many of you were raised with the sentiment “Pull yourself up by the bootstraps!”?

It usually makes an appearance when you’ve made a mistake and you’re resisting fixing it, or there’s some issue you aren’t facing up to.

This phrase is kind of a metaphor for the American value of being tough-minded, thick-skinned, and industrious all at the same time. It goes along with our can-do mindset.

There’s something good about it in that it’s meant to move us past our fears and regrets and continue on. The problem arises when it’s accompanied by the litany of self-criticism that usually follows.

Implied in the statement is the idea that we’re self-indulgent and give into weakness, or worse, laziness. It can feel more like you’re being told “Don’t be a sissy!” So if we can beat ourselves up enough, we might get rid of the guilt and stigma of not being tough enough.

This is where the idea of self-compassion comes in, which is today’s subject.

Self-Compassion versus Self-Criticism

Self-compassion is a practice that confirms our worth and allows us to acknowledge and work through our suffering, while also helping us take responsibility for ourselves.

In other words, it’s an alternative way to pull ourselves up and deal with things, but without destroying ourselves in the process.

Whereas self-criticism – especially harsh and unforgiving criticism – tries to beat us into submission, self-compassion soothes and validates us and makes us ready to face our mistakes and failures.

Self-criticism and self-judgment:

• Do not make us better. You can’t beat yourself into being a “better person.”
• Do not help us own up to things or be truthful with ourselves about our failings, because we want to avoid the self-hatred and judgment that follows.

Self-compassion allows us to:

• Accept our mistakes, failings, and disappointments in ourselves.
• Accurately observe our frailties, own them, and make improvements.
• Treat both ourselves and others with compassion and understanding.
• Soothe our suffering, even when we’re at fault.
• Set boundaries when needed without being cruel or unkind.

The practice of self-compassion actually helps us be more responsible for ourselves, while maintaining our worth and sense of self.

Dr. Kristin Neff, in her book Self-Compassion, outlines three core components of self-compassion, but today I’m going to review only two of them. They are:

1. Self-Kindness
2. Common Humanity

Let’s go through them, and that will help you get a better understanding of exactly what self-compassion is and how you might apply it for yourself.

#1 Self-Kindness

Maybe the best way to understand this one is to conjure up the image of a “good” mother. What would the characteristics be?

The first idea that comes to mind is that she would give you unconditional love which means that no matter what you did, she would still love you, even if she didn’t approve of your behavior.

She would let you know when you’re blurring the lines and going off in the wrong direction, and she would pull you back. But she would do it gently, even when acting with firmness.

If you made mistakes, she would soothe you and acknowledge your suffering, while also helping you figure out how to make reparations or change your behavior.

She would be on your side. She would support you. You would be able to tell her anything, and you would trust her.

Self-kindness is giving this kind of love to yourself.

Instead of beating yourself up when you fall, you would:

• Speak to yourself with kind, gentle words.
• Sympathize with your own pain.
• Soothe your suffering, even if you caused it.
• Stay connected to yourself.
• Embrace your power to accept your mistakes and make repairs, or change directions.

Self-kindness means treating yourself with love and compassion while also owning up to what’s been done and what needs to be done.

By approaching it this way, you’re much more likely to be honest with yourself and to pursue fixing what needs to be fixed.

Self-kindness also allows you to extend more kindness and understanding to others. If you’re highly critical of yourself, you’re likely the same with others. Likewise, if you’re kind to yourself, you extend that outward too.

Now let’s look at “common humanity.”

#2 Common Humanity

Self-criticism is isolating.

When you get hyper-focused on what’s wrong with you, and add a big dose of judgment and self-flagellation to it, you find yourself in solitary confinement. You’re separated from the rest of the world. You aren’t worthy, you don’t fit in, and you’re cut off from love, acceptance, and belonging.

Self-compassion acknowledges the mistakes, but recognizes that we’re all in the same boat. It’s human to stumble along as we traverse the road of life. Sometimes it’s full steam ahead, and sometimes it’s boulders and obstacles along the path. Sometimes we take side roads that go nowhere or dump us in a ditch temporarily.

The point is, we all suffer, we all do things we shouldn’t, and we all do things we should.

When you find yourself in a difficult place, just remember that everyone else goes through pain and suffering, even those who look like they have the world at their fingertips. Keeping this in mind helps and soothes you.

Focus on your commonality rather than seeing yourself as different.

Remember that everyone is doing and feeling the same things you are, even if the presentation isn’t exactly the same.

Feeling connected goes along with being kind and feeling empathy. It makes things less frightening. It keeps your heart open. It allows you to not take yourself quite so seriously, and encourages both humor and emotional resilience.

See yourself as part of the shared human experience.

Final Thoughts

Getting in the habit of treating yourself with self-compassion may seem difficult to do if you’re used to the “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” methodology, followed by the “not good enough” rant.

You can be firm with yourself while also being kind. They aren’t mutually exclusive, and combining them gets better results.

Make these two changes to activate your self-compassion:

1. Monitor your self-talk. Use gentle words, delete harsh criticisms, and treat yourself gently, even when you need to apply firmness. Acknowledge your suffering when it’s there, and don’t suppress it. Do this even when you’ve created the circumstances that have caused the suffering.​
2. Be your own best mother. Get an image in your mind of what that would look like, and use it to help you speak to yourself with kindly.

Give it a try, especially if you aren’t used to it. If you’d like to read more about how to do this, get Dr. Neffs’s book Self-Compassion and read it. It’s definitely worth the time.

That’s all for today. Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Here’s a scenario for you:

You’re late for work and you get behind what I call a “Grandpa driver” (no offense to Seniors – I’m one myself). You’re in a 45mph zone and he’s doing 28. As you drive, your frustration is quickly transforming into full-fledged road rage as you keep looking at your dashboard clock and imagining your boss noting that you haven’t arrived yet. It’s 5 minutes to 8, and you’re at least 10 minutes away. You’re impatiently riding Grandpa’s tail, your breathing is fast and shallow, and the curse words are starting to flow out of your mouth.

You’ve had this experience? Me too! More than a few times.

So what’s the biggest issue here?

It’s not so much that you’re going to be late – you are going to be late! It’s a given at this point. You also probably know on some level that you’re at fault because you didn’t leave early enough. But, getting stuck behind this slow driver is upping the ante and knocking out any chance you had to make up the time. Your impatience is growing and quickly morphing into anger.

The real problem is that things aren’t going as you expected they would, and you’re resisting that with your whole being!

Impatience is an act of emotional resistance. That’s the root cause.

You construct an idea of how things should go, and then something happens that interrupts your plan, and you resist accepting that deviation. If you accepted it, you would just change gears, go with the flow, and make a transition without the big emotional reaction. But you don’t. You resist it. And the result is escalating impatience.

Great! So how do we stop the resistance?

Here’s my 9 favs. You can test them out yourself and find out what works for you.

#1 Accept the change in circumstances or plans.

This is the most important one because it changes your whole mindset. You can do it very deliberately by talking to yourself.

1. Verbalize out loud what the obstacle or change in circumstance is. Be specific.
2. Tell yourself that you need to accept it, and do that. Sit with it a moment until it sinks in. Say to yourself, “I can accept this.”
3. Figure out what you can do to deal with the situation. Do you just need to shift gears? Do you need to make a call or inform someone that circumstances have changed? What do you need to do to adjust to the change in circumstances?

In the example above, you might say,

“I’m behind a slow driver and there’s no way I can get to work on time. So I can just relax. Breathe slower, sit back in the seat, and just drive. I’ll get there when I get there. Worst case scenario, my boss is upset. I could call ahead and let him know when I think I’ll arrive. If he’s still upset, I can deal with it and still have a good day.”

That’s a lot better than raging for the next 10 minutes, getting to work upset, and continuing to ruminate about what happened for another half hour or more. That’s likely to set a bad tone for the rest of your day, and it won’t change the fact that you were late anyway.

#2 Do square breathing.

Square breathing is a technique that slows your breathing, calms your mind, and increases oxygen to the brain which allows you to think more clearly. Mind and breath are connected. Calming the breath immediately calms the mind and vice versa. You can get the handout for how to do square breathing here.

#3 Know your triggers.

It’s worth your time to make a list of your triggers. If you’re not sure what they are, you can keep what’s called a tally list. Every time you find yourself becoming impatient, document it. You might do that on your phone or on a small pad you carry with you. When you know your triggers, you can plan ahead for how you’re going to deal with these situations without losing your patience or becoming frustrated or angry.

#4 Allow extra time for activities.

Sometimes impatience is simply the result of trying to squeeze too much into a time space. If you’re not good at estimating how much time things take, add on an extra 10 or 15 minutes to your planned events. If you like tracking things, you could track your time for a day or two and see how much time things actually take. A good policy is to always allow time for interruptions, changes, or problems that could arise. Having that extra time allows you to adjust to the unexpected easily and without impatience.

#5 Prioritize your activities.

A lot of impatience arises because we have too much on our plate. Prioritize your activities and let go of things that aren’t necessary or productive, and that crowd you or waste your time.

#6 Develop more empathy.

You might wonder why this one’s on the list, but it fits. In the case of the Grandpa driver, it might be that he actually is an elderly person who feels anxious driving, especially at higher speeds. Or maybe he’s having some other problem today that’s preoccupying him. Or maybe he just goes slow. Whatever the case, the driver of that car is a person with his own life and circumstances, and you don’t know what’s going on with him.

Empathy means accepting that not everyone does things the way you do and appreciating those differences. The more you feel a kinship and connection with other people, the more flexible you are in allowing for their personal idiosyncrasies and behaviors.

#7 Avoid multi-tasking.

When you try to do several things at once, you’re more likely to make mistakes, have difficulties focusing, and become frustrated. This can ramp up your impatience with yourself as well as with anyone you’re interacting with. Do one thing at a time as much as you can.

#8 Distract yourself.

If you’re waiting on something or someone, and you have no control over the situation, distract yourself. Accept the situation and do something of interest or something that’s worthwhile. You could read, catch up on some work, listen to music, plan something you’ve been meaning to attend to, or whatever works. Don’t just sit and ruminate.

#9 Train your brain to handle situations calmly.

There are two practices that do this:

1. Mindfulness
2. Meditation

Mindfulness is the practice of watching your thoughts and feelings as they arise without judgment or reactivity. The benefit is that you gain some distance from them so you can decide how you want to respond.

Meditation is a practice that strengthens your attention muscle, provides emotional space, keeps you present, and produces increasing states of calm. There are many types of meditation including mindfulness-based meditation, watching the breath, repetition of a mantra, guided imagery, and others.

Regular practice of both mindfulness and meditation naturally increase your patience and ability to respond deliberately rather than reactively.

That’s my 9! Have something to add to the list? Please leave a comment below!

Have a great week,

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Last week, we tackled the defense mechanism “projection,” and talked about how to know when someone projects their issues on us, and what to do about it. This week is Part 2 of this series, and we’ll be talking about our own use of “projection.” Specifically,

1. How can we know when we’re projecting?
2. And, how can we stop it, or at least tone it down?

Just to review,

Projection is a psychological defense mechanism we use when we don’t want to acknowledge some part of ourselves we don’t like, or don’t approve of.

We project unacceptable thoughts, feelings, motives or behavior on to someone else so we don’t have to face them. This allows us to protect our self-esteem and self-image.

A quick example we used last week was the guy who complains about people who are late all the time, when in fact he’s late most of the time, but doesn’t recognize it.

So let’s dive in!

Three Reasons We Project

#1 Insecurity

We all have insecurities, but each of us has our own twist. For example, you might have an underlying worry that you’re not as smart as other people. This might play out when having a conversation with some of your friends about a more intellectual subject, and you decide that they think you’re dumb, or they’re brushing off your comments, or no one’s really listening or responding to you.

In truth, probably none of these ideas are accurate. You’ve projected your insecurity into the conversation, and looked for responses to validate it.

The direction of this projection goes like this:

My insecurity → Others believe this about me → Their behavior proves it → It’s true.

#2 Beliefs About How Things Should Be

A second reason we project has to do with our beliefs about how we should behave. I call these the “shoulds.”

Usually these are the dos and don’ts we learned from our parents and communities growing up. When we deviate from them we feel guilt or anxiety.

This is especially true when our “shoulds” butt heads with our real thoughts and ideas that don’t fit the mold – but because of our discomfort if we don’t buy in, we suppress those ideas.

This internal conflict plays out when we project our discomfort on someone else to get rid of it.

Here’s an example:

Let’s say you hear someone voicing anger about something he thinks is unfair or not right. You agree with what he’s saying, but because voicing anger is a big no-no in your family, you suppress these thoughts. Instead, you label him in your head as an angry person.

What you’ve done is project your “shoulds” on him to avoid the guilt that would come up if you let yourself openly agree with him and go against your family’s rules. You’ve distanced yourself by painting him in a negative light.

The direction of this projection goes like this:

Someone voices his anger when something’s wrong →← That’s a no-no for you (it’s wrong) → He’s an angry guy → I’m not like that.

#3 Direct Projections from Your History

These projections are similar to the ones above, but go a little deeper. They’re not so much about the “shoulds,” but are about relationship patterns established growing up with parents or caretakers. Here’s some examples:

• If you have an emotionally distant parent, you might decide your partner is being emotionally distant even though he’s just preoccupied at the moment.
• Or maybe you didn’t have much privacy growing up and you accuse your partner of trying to pry into your business when she’s just interested in your life.
• Or you had a very stern, critical parent and any complaint coming from your partner is perceived as a devastating blow when actually it’s just a normal complaint.

In all these cases, you imposed your early relationship with a parent on a current relationship.

The direction of this projection goes like this:

Behavior from current relationship → ← You ← Behavior of parent or caretaker.

What To Do

The key to getting on top of your use of projection is self-awareness.

Here’s some guidelines for doing that.

#1 Don’t suppress.

One of the ways we protect our egos or sense of who we are is to suppress anything that conflicts with that vision. This includes feelings or thoughts that arise, or behaviors that don’t fit in with our constructed identities. These are the things we project off.

So step one is to let these things come up without suppressing them. You can’t get on top of projection when you don’t know what it is you’re trying to avoid.

Try this exercise:

For the next week, check in with yourself at least 3 times a day, or more if you can. During the check-in, ask yourself how you’re feeling. You might review the events of the day along with your emotional responses to them. Or if you’ve been ruminating about something, pull it out and observe what those thoughts and feelings are.

The goal is to get familiar with what your internal life is like. In the process, you’ll note feelings you’ve suppressed or have ignored. Let them come up. No judgment. All feelings are acceptable, even the most negative and inappropriate ones. You don’t have to act on anything. Just watch, see what’s there, and don’t censor.

#2 Address thoughts about someone else’s behavior.

Pay attention to any thoughts about others, especially negative or critical ones. What specific complaints do you have, or what problems or issues are you stuck on that involve someone else?

Now do this:

1. If your complaint is about someone’s behavior, ask yourself if you’re guilty of the same behavior. If not, no problem. But ask the question and be honest with yourself.
2. Ask if you’re imposing one of your “shoulds” on the other person. Is it a should you really agree with, or do you have reservations about it? What do you really think? Do you need to revise what you think based on your real opinions, not those of your parents, peers or other people? The goal is to be your authentic self, and also allow others to be themselves.

#3 Pay attention to defensive reactions.

When your automatic response to something someone says or does is to defend yourself, then that’s the signal to stop and assess whether you’re projecting your history onto the situation.

Are you seeing what’s happening just in terms of the person you’re interacting with, or are you layering it with other experiences you’ve had? Is your reaction too big for the situation?

Try this:

Give yourself some time away from the interaction to review it. This might be done in hindsight, or if you’re in the middle of an intense conversation with someone, ask for a break to give yourself time to calm down and collect your thoughts.

Ask yourself these questions:

• What’s the soft spot that’s being triggered here?
• Where do these triggers come from? Parents, previous partners, friends? With whom and under what circumstances?
• Am I exaggerating or misconstruing what’s going on right now in light of my triggers and past experiences?

Your goal is to get as close to a real evaluation as you can, and then direct your response accordingly. Sometimes, you’re reacting to triggers from your history and projecting them into the current situation. Maybe not, but either way, you want to figure that out.

A quick word of encouragement.

Projection is one of the harder defenses to get on top of, so give yourself time to work on it. We’re all prone to it, but it helps to be able to see it in action. It gives you some personal power.

Please leave a comment below, or feel free to email me!

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

This week’s blog is Part 1 of a two-part series about the defense mechanism known as “projection.”

1. Part 1 will address what you need to know about being on the receiving end of projection.
2. Part 2 will address how to identify your own use of projection and what you can do to stop it.

Let’s start with a few definitions.

Defense Mechanism

A defense mechanism is a psychological strategy we use to protect ourselves from anxiety or guilt that arises when we have unacceptable thoughts, feelings or motives. We use it unconsciously meaning we aren’t aware of it.

Projection

Projection is a particular defense mechanism that assigns our unwanted thoughts, feelings or motives to someone else. So instead of becoming anxious when those unwanted thoughts arise, we pass them on to someone without ever acknowledging to ourselves that they apply to us. In other words, “It’s not me, it’s you!”

Here’s a few examples:

• A woman has many critical thoughts during the day about her co-workers, but complains that her boss is highly critical and hurtful.
• Your husband complains that you’re overly emotional and reactive, yet he often loses his temper and flies off the handle.
• Your friend complains about how inept a guy is on your softball team, yet you know this friend strikes out regularly and has had the most errors this season.

In all these examples, one person is projecting his or her feelings and behavior onto someone else without awareness of doing it. They’re assigning to another person something about themselves they don’t want to acknowledge.

This happens a lot, and I’m sure you can think of examples you’ve observed. Like…

• The person who’s late all the time complains about people who’re late.
• The person who can’t be trusted to keep a secret complains about people who blab everything.
• The person who’s a terrible flirt says everyone is flirting with her.

Why you need to recognize when someone projects.

It’s important to recognize when someone is projecting their unwanted issues onto to you.

Here’s why:

If you’re the recipient of repetitive projections, or you ruminate on someone’s projection continuously, you’re being influenced by it and may eventually own it as your own thoughts and feelings.

This is particularly true in more intimate relationships where you’re more susceptible to the other person’s emotions and characterizations of you.

Here’s an example:

Your husband regularly sabotages your confidence in parenting by taking your child’s side when you try to assert discipline, and then tells you that you’re unfeeling and harsh. All the while, you know your disciplinary tactics are fair and necessary and accompanied by love. You also know your husband’s mother was very harsh and critical with him growing up.

What’s happening here is that your husband is projecting his experience with his mother on to you. And in the process, he’s sabotaging your influence with your child.

This is a more subtle projection than some, but over time it can undermine you because you may begin to accept his view that you’re harsh and unfeeling, and react by becoming more permissive with your child which would not be in his best interest.

How can you tell when someone’s projecting, and what should you do about it?

#1 Pay attention to “blame” words.

People who project use “blame words.” These are “you” and absolutes like “always, never, and every time.”

“You never help me with the kids!”
“You’re upset!”
“Seems like you’ve gotten lax with your money management.”
“You make me insecure because you don’t listen to what I say.”

In all of these statements, the onus is on “you.” You’re the cause of whatever the problem is, and in some cases, you’re always the cause.

#2 Challenge each statement for accuracy.

How factual is it? What’s the evidence?

Using our above statements, here are the real facts:

• He says,“You never help with the kids.” In truth, he actually doesn’t do as much with the kids as his wife, who is the recipient of this statement. He has trouble attending to the kids and finds them to be too needy, as did his mother with him.
• She says, “You’re upset!”Actually she’s the one who’s upset, but doesn’t recognize it and projects it off on her partner.
• He says, “Seems like you’ve gotten lax with your money management.”The reality is that he often spends money frivolously, yet accuses his wife of not managing their money well.
• She says, “You make me insecure because you don’t pay attention to what I say.” The truth is that she often feels insecure in spite of her partner’s affection and attention to her.

Sometimes there’s some truth in projective statements, yet they are still projections.

In the case of the wife who doesn’t manage money well, it may be true that she has difficulties managing money, but it’s also true that her husband spends frivolously. He points out something in her that’s partially true, while ignoring that he has similar if not worse issues with the same problem. That way he can relieve himself of acknowledging his money issues by focusing solely on hers.

This is a fairly common type of projection, and harder to sort out. Yet, with careful discrimination, you can evaluate it accurately.

The goal is always to lean toward reality, and not take in projections that don’t fit.

#3 Investigate.

If you’re not sure what’s being said, get in your detective mode and ask questions. Instead of defending, ask the person to explain more. What’s she feeling? What’s she actually saying?

By asking questions and getting into an empathy mode, you turn the attention away from you and back to the person who’s launching the projection. If she feels heard, she’s more likely to withdraw from the projection or at least become more receptive to your responses to it.

#4 Sometimes just let it go.

It isn’t always necessary to correct someone’s projections. Often you can let them fly by, especially if the projection doesn’t personally affect you. You observe it, clarify it for yourself, and let it go.

The choice to bring it to light will depend on the nature of the relationship, the level of distortion that’s present, and the consequences of letting it go or not. Here’s two examples that might help you figure out which path to take:

1. Let it go. With the friend that complained about how inept a player was on their softball team even though he’s the inept one – you can let this one go. There’s no reason to get into an argument, or hurt the friend’s feelings, or start something up. Everyone sees his performance and it’s up to him to come to terms with that or not.
2. Confront it. With the husband who accuses his wife of mismanaging money, the projection needs to be addressed. The wife may own up to her part in the management of their money, but also recognize her husband’s part in it. She might suggest they write everything down that’s spent by both of them for several months to see where the money goes, and then make adjustments. By doing that, she’s addressed the projection without being defensive, and come up with a way to test it out.

Final Thoughts

Understanding projection and knowing how to identify it is a very valuable skill. It helps you do two things:

1. Learn to accurately assess when someone is trying to pass off their unwanted feelings and behavior on to you.
2. Learn how to field it without being defensive, and learn when to let it go or confront it.

Next week we’ll talk about how to become aware of our own projections, and what to do to turn those around.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

When most people think about clutter, they think about stuff in their house or office or some other physical space. We don’t usually think about mind clutter, at least not in those words. We label it other ways such as overwhelm, or feeling scattered, or anxious, or just worn out. Mind clutter is a contributing factor to all these, so it’s good to address it specifically. Here’s my list for decluttering your mind.

#1 Prioritize.

Having running lists in your head is highly inefficient. Your brain has a limit on how much information it can handle at any given time. It’s like your computer’s hard drive. There are only so many gigs.

Emptying it of unnecessary thoughts or chatter opens up space so you can focus in on what you need to.

The best way to do this is to write things down and create a system to track your to-dos. Don’t make it elaborate. Make it easy, but do it.

Make at least one big list of everything you want to remember or need to do, and one shorter ongoing priority list that tells you what you have to do today or in the next few days. As you check things off, add new things from your big list. Review your lists once a week to make adjustments. It doesn’t need to be any more complicated than that.

The beauty is, once things are written down, you don’t need to keep running your lists repetitively in your head, which uses up your gigs!

#2 Journal your thoughts and feelings.

This is a different exercise than creating your to-do lists. It’s a way to identify and become aware of what you’re thinking about and what you’re feeling.

When you put your thoughts and feelings on paper, it helps you clarify where you are and enables you to gain insight so you can make changes if you need to, or simply become self-aware. The value is that you can prevent getting emotionally stuck and clogged up.

Journaling can also be a great way to keep track of creative ideas or goals or snippets of information you want to remember later on. I use it for writing ideas.

#3 Declutter your physical space.

There is a relationship between inside and outside clutter. When you need to focus on something, especially something requiring brain power, it helps to have a calm, organized space to do it in. Maybe you clean up your office and put everything away, or clean up the house, or a take a shower and clean yourself up.

All of these help create an atmosphere that’s more conducive to concentrating and staying focused.

Even the act of cleaning up your space begins the process of decluttering your mind as you remove distractions and organize your thoughts. What you’re doing outwardly is reflected inwardly.

Accordingly, if your outer space is super messy and cluttered, your mind is more likely to reflect that status and feel messy too.

#4 Exercise.

Exercise is a great way to increase your serotonin and dopamine levels. These are the two neurotransmitters associated with mood stability, pleasure, attention and focus, overall sense of well-being, and happiness.

All types of exercise are helpful, but walking in particular has been shown by research to enhance mental clarity and creative thinking that you can use to solve problems or come up with new ideas. Something about walking loosens the tight grip you have on your mind, and allows some space in so that creative solutions can pop up.

#5 Make decisions.

Making decisions gets things off your plate. Part of decluttering is to keep things moving. It’s good to apply adequate thinking to any problem and objectively evaluate it, but once that’s done, it’s time to make a decision and move on. Perfectionism is a big obstacle that stalls you. Do your best thinking, and then take action and keep going.

#6 Get enough sleep.

This is an important one. Sleep deprivation negatively affects our ability to attend, remember, think, learn, and regulate our emotions. In her book The Sleep Revolution, Arianna Huffington tells us that each night while we sleep, there’s a decluttering process that cleans up toxic buildup that has accumulated around our brain cells during the day. She likens it to running your brain through a dishwasher.

This only happens during sleep. If we don’t sleep enough, this process is hampered and we have brain fatigue with all the associated negative effects. Get seven to eight hours a night. Six is not enough.

#7 Talk to someone.

We all know talking to someone can help alleviate anxiety, or help solve a problem, but not everyone knows the exact mechanism that helps this process along. It’s called “containing.”

When you talk and someone listens attentively with interest, there is a transfer of your emotions to the listener. As you talk, he takes in your emotions and contains them for you. This allows an opening up of mental space which lightens your cognitive and emotional load. You’re able to see things with a little more distance and objectivity, and to become more aware of what you’re actually feeling.

In effect, you clean out your mental closet and organize what’s in there, especially your emotions.

#8 Attend to nagging tasks that hang over you.

Do them all in one or two days and move on. Set up a mini-marathon and plow through. You’ll feel great when you’re done!

#9 Curb ruminating about the past.

Use your past as a learning experience to propel you forward, not hold you back. This goes for your personal failures too.

Ruminating is useful sometimes when you need to work on a complex problem. You ruminate for a while, then distract yourself and do something else, and the solution pops up. But ruminating about your past without really working on it keeps you stuck.

If the past is problematic, do something about it. Seek therapy. Read up. Go to the source and work it through. Don’t just sit. Emotional clutter is particularly heavy.

#10 Limit your media engagement.

Do I need to say more? This one’s self-evident. Media of any kind is like mental food, and a lot of it is junk food. Too much of the wrong kind is bad for your mental health, and too much of any of it is overwhelming and creates mental clutter. Engage in it sparingly and selectively.

#11 Ditch multi-tasking.

We don’t do two things at one time. That’s a myth. The closest we get to that is doing two things that are so simple and automated that we don’t have to expend much energy on either one, like folding laundry while listening to music. Even with that, our attention goes back and forth from one to the other. It just happens so fast, we don’t notice it.

For tasks that require more focus, the shift from one to the other is more laborious and requires more mental energy which tires your brain. You break up your focus repeatedly which dilutes the depth of your attention.

By focusing on only one thing at a time and finishing it, you apply all your energy in one direction which means you expend less of it while also performing better. Do one thing at a time as much as possible.

#12 Meditate.

I always include this one because I’ve done it for more than 30 years and there’s nothing that competes in terms of creating calm, handling stress, and regulating emotions. Try at least 10 minutes a day, but work up to 20 or 30 minutes. The time and energy you’ll save by developing this habit is much greater than the time it takes to do it.

There’s my list! I hope it’s helpful, and if you have something to add, please leave a comment below. Thanks!

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

I was talking to a friend this week, and we got off on the subject of needing deadlines to get motivated to get something done.

My friend was saying that she puts things off until the deadline is so close that her adrenaline finally kicks in and she’s able to get moving enough to pull through it. She was complaining about how stressful this is and how she wishes she could get motivated earlier.

I agreed wholeheartedly as this was the way I wrote papers all through college.

Working by deadline is sometimes necessary, but in most cases it isn’t. We know that if we plan ahead and spread the work out over time, then it’s done well before the deadline. We also do a better job, and with much less stress. Yet, some of us still do it the other way.

Why?

I think it comes down to how and by what we’re motivated.

There are two types of motivation. They are:

1. Extrinsic motivation
2. Intrinsic motivation

Extrinsic Motivation

Extrinsic motivation is the one we all know, and the one that’s used everywhere – at school, at work, as parents, and very often imposed on us by ourselves. The basic premise is :

To improve performance, increase productivity, or encourage good behavior, we are incentivized by the promise of rewards or the avoidance of punishment.

“If I study very hard, I’ll get an A in my class. If I neglect my studies, I could fail my class.”

“If I do well at my job, I’ll receive a raise in my next paycheck. If I do poorly, I could be placed on probation or fired.”

In each of these situations, we perform to get the reward or to avoid the negative consequence.

Most of the world works on this model.

Intrinsic Motivation

The premise underlying intrinsic motivation is:

The drive to engage in something comes from within rather than from an external source, and the reward is the personal satisfaction and enjoyment in doing it.

Daniel Pink, who is the author of a book called Drive, points to three factors that are involved in intrinsic motivation. These are:

1. Autonomy
2. Mastery
3. Purpose

We work best when we feel in charge of the work, when we get better and better at it, and when we feel it has significance. It’s work that’s self-directed, and leaves us feeling that we’ve accomplished something that has meaning.

Intrinsic motivation is particularly useful and necessary when doing work that’s creative or requires a lot of brain power or physical prowess. It’s work that challenges us.

Conversely, extrinsic motivation does not work well for creative work. It can work well to an extent with things that are routine and repetitive, although I think you can apply some intrinsic motivation to these tasks too with a little imagination. We’ll get to that in a minute.

How does this apply to our deadline problem?

If we wanted to avoid the procrastination and resistance that seems to be dented only when there’s a strong deadline, how could we use the two models of motivation to help us?

The answer is to transform the task at hand to one that stimulates intrinsic instead of extrinsic motivation. As long as the deadline is the only thing that stands between performing or not, we’re in trouble.

Here’s my own example that might help illustrate this process.

I write this blog and deliver it every Monday, right? Monday at 6AM is my hard deadline.

If I used extrinsic motivation as my mode of completing this task, I likely wouldn’t start on it until Sunday. Maybe Saturday on a good week.

The purpose of writing it would be to:

• Meet the deadline
• Not disappoint my readers
• And, get more subscribers

The first two are to avoid a negative consequence (not meet the deadline and have people upset with me), and the last one is to receive a reward (get more subscribers).

Fortunately I don’t use extrinsic motivation for this blog. I use an intrinsic approach. It’s based on:

1. Wanting to help people by giving them information they can use to better their lives.
2. Engage in writing, editing and research, all of which I love to do.
3. Getting into a “flow” mindset when writing, and especially when editing.
4. Getting better and better at writing as a craft.

All of these satisfy the needs for autonomy, mastery, and purpose. The work has meaning because it helps others, it’s self-directed (I do it on my own time), and the more I do it, the more I improve my skills. It also satisfies my curiosity and love of learning.

Although I have the weekly external deadline, the impetus comes from within, not without.

How you can use this.

It’s easier to use an intrinsic approach when you’re doing something like writing, but you can actually apply it to more routine things you have to do. Even things you’re not necessarily fond of doing. To do that, try this:

1. Identify the internal reward. Whatever the task, ask yourself what satisfaction you can derive from doing it. Even if there’s an obvious external reward, what internal reward can you take from it. It may take a little thinking, but it’s there. Focus on that reward.
2. Try to be present while engaging in the task or work. Enjoy the process of doing it, not just finishing it. Often while you’re doing something, especially something easy that you’ve automated in your mind, you let your thoughts wonder ahead to the next thing that needs to be done instead of attending to what you’re doing right now. Be deliberate in attending to the present moment. Focus on the process of it, not the outcome. Emerge yourself in it.
3. Do it better. If you’re folding clothes, do it better. Enjoy putting them away and seeing them organized in the drawer. When you’re motivated by making improvements on something, you engage with your whole self, and that helps remove resistance.
4. Set your own schedule. Take charge of the process. Plan out every task that needs to be done, and then apply the three suggestions we just covered to doing each of them. You can do this with household projects, on-the-job projects, or individual projects like writing a blog, or engaging in a hobby, or planning a trip with the family.

If you have difficulty in getting things done and you like to have deadlines, that’s not a problem. Go ahead and use them. Sometimes outside structure is helpful. Just work at increasing your intrinsic motivation so that you fully engage in what you do. If you do that, you’ll find you meet your deadlines without the stress.

That’s all for this Monday.

See you next week,

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Today’s blog post was inspired by James Clear who is the author of Atomic Habits. I love his book and also subscribe to his weekly “1-2-3 Newsletter.” Each week he sends out 1 question to ponder, 2 quotes from other people, and 3 quotes of his own. This week, one of his quotes was:

“Make the most of one opportunity and more opportunities will come your way. Moving boldly in one direction causes more paths to unfold before you. To get more, focus on less.”

He refers to this as the “paradox of focus.”

What inspires me about this quote is that it captures the wisdom of:

• Starting small to go big
• Taking some action before knowing the entire future
• Recognizing that solving one problem may solve others at the same time
• Focusing in can lead to multiple unforeseen benefits

I’m going to go through three examples that use this idea, yet apply it in different ways. Here we go.

#1 Working toward a big goal.

To work toward a big goal, the best approach is to break it down into smaller sub-goals (habits) that move you toward the final outcome.

Let’s say that you want to improve your health, and you decide that the way to do that is to:

1. Start a regular exercise routine
2. Improve your diet
3. Undergo a complete physical with your doctor to check your cholesterol, organ functioning, blood pressure, etc.
4. And lose 20 pounds

Those are all reasonable actions to get you moving toward your bigger goal of improving your health. The question is “Where do you start?”

The best idea is to select the one habit that you’re most likely to stick with, and that will easily lead into accomplishing your other habits/goals. This initial habit has been coined by Charles Duhigg as the “keystone habit” in his book The Power of Habit.

The keystone habit is the one that:

• Appeals to you most
• Is the easiest to get going
• Is the one you have the time and energy to make happen
• And the one that will bleed into the others without much effort

If I were to choose from this list, I’d likely start with exercise because it checks off all these criteria for me:

1. It’s easy – I’d walk outside 15 minutes a day 5 days a week.
2. It appeals – I like to be outside. I have walking paths in my neighborhood. I live in a warm climate. And I could listen to music while I do it.
3. I have the time – I can fit this in my schedule without changing anything. It gives me the day off during the week that’s super busy, and the day off I use for downtime.
4. It easily bleeds into the other goals – When I exercise regularly, I automatically start eating better. I also begin losing weight. If I’m losing weight and eating better, I wouldn’t mind so much getting a physical.

Just focusing on the keystone habit gets you going, and leads you automatically into the other habits or goals without too much effort.

In other words, if you accomplish the first one, you’ll likely finish them all. If you start them all at once, you’re more likely to drop off and abandon the whole project.

Just a little side note: I’ve used this strategy before and what happened is that after walking 15 minutes per day for a month, I found myself upping the time on some days because I enjoyed it so much. Eventually I walked an hour at a time on weekend days. This is often what happens when you start small.

#2 Focus on one skill and open up unknown opportunities.

In this example, you get really focused on learning about something you love or want to do, and it leads to opportunities you had never entertained or dreamt of.

This is a true story:

My son Josh was very interested in physical fitness (back in 2004), so he got a job at a gym. This led to getting certified as a personal trainer. From there he decided to open his own personal training studio. It was successful, and he sold it to one of his trainers so he could open a small gym. In the course of doing advertising for the gym, he taught himself graphic and web design because he wanted to create his own advertisements. He sold the gym and opened a web design company, and that led eventually to becoming the marketing director for a well-known real estate company, which is where he is today.

In this scenario, one interest and a strong focus on it led to a new opportunity, which opened up another one and another one and another one. When you don’t know exactly what you want to do, do the thing that’s in front of you as well as you can and see where it leads.

#3 Tackle one problem and others get solved.

This one is also best illustrated by a story.

Angie’s Story

Angie and her husband were having difficulty talking through problems. Every time they started, one or both would get angry or frustrated and they couldn’t continue. These conversations usually ended with tempers flared and a stand-off, and then sweeping the problem under the rug until it came up again.

Angie decided she would try to improve her communication skills to see if it would help. She read some books on the subject and took an online course to get started.

Angie began practicing her new improved listening skills on her husband. The more she did it, the more receptive he became to her. He began allowing her to express her thoughts and feelings without interrupting her, partly because he felt heard when he spoke, and partly because Angie was talking to him in a way that didn’t feel attacking as it had before. They both became less defensive, and soon were successful in talking through minor problems. They vowed to keep working at it until they could talk through anything.

As a result of Angie’s focus on improving her communication skills, not only were she and her husband able to talk through problems (which was the original goal),  their marriage improved and they felt closer to each other.

The unexpected silver lining was that she also resolved some internal issues that had caused her problems for many years. She overcame her fear of being criticized and rejected if she asserted herself. She was able to ask for what she needed whereas before she didn’t feel she had the right. And she learned how to talk about things that bothered her without being critical or attacking or defensive.

The Take-Away

If you start out working on one thing and throw everything you have into it, other things will get resolved in the process. That’s because they’re all connected. You don’t have to take on everything at once, and in fact, that usually fails. Start anywhere, and the rest will follow. Focus on that one thing and let the process go where it goes.

That’s all for now. Have a wonderful week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Self-awareness refers to our ability to monitor our thoughts and feelings as we have them, and choose how to respond most appropriately based on what we see. The more self-aware we are, the better we can direct our thoughts and control our emotions.

It’s a meta ability that uses both:

1. Meta-cognition which is to be aware of thought processes as they occur, and
2. Meta-mood which is to be aware of moods as they occur.

Meta just means having dual awareness. Have you ever been dreaming and been aware that you’re dreaming at the same time? That would be called meta-dreaming. You’re both in it and outside observing it simultaneously.

Self-awareness is like that. It requires a “you” that’s thinking and feeling, and another “you” that’s watching the thinking and feeling while it’s happening.

The name of that second you in this process is referred to in psychology as the “observing ego.”

This term comes out of the psychoanalytic tradition, and although Freud didn’t coin the phrase, he referred to this idea as an “evenly hovering attention” that watched from a neutral position the workings of the ego. In “mindfulness” circles, it’s sometimes referred to as the “witness.”

The Purpose of the Observing Ego

The primary purpose of the observing ego is to increase self-awareness. By doing so, you gain:

• A greater “sense of agency” which means you have more control in directing your moods and thoughts deliberately toward a desired outcome, rather than just acting them out. Knowledge is power in this sense.
• Greater understanding of yourself and appreciation of your unique gifts. You become more aware of your strengths and weaknesses and can use this knowledge for personal and psychological growth.
• Increased ability to perceive others with accuracy, and to connect and empathize. This ups your potential for satisfying relationships and social interactions.

How to Make Best Use of Your Observing Ego

#1 Label your feelings.

We’re language-based beings meaning that we define our thoughts and feelings symbolically through words. Even when thinking to ourselves, we use words and phrases to provide meaning.

You can increase your self-awareness by expanding your emotional vocabulary. The way to do that is to become more specific in labeling your feelings with greater accuracy and specificity.

What I suggest is that you Google “positive emotions” and “negative emotions,” and find a good list of each. Download or print it. You’ll be amazed at how many words there are on those lists.

Next, practice labeling your emotions as they occur. Using the lists, find the most accurate words for each feeling that you have. Get really picky about it. Sometimes more than one word applies. Use as many words as fit the situation.

What’s surprising about doing this is you realize how narrow your use of language has been in thinking about how you feel. By opening that up and increasing your word options, your self-awareness meter starts to go up, and your observing ego is sharpening and becoming more useful.

The exercise itself requires you to use metacognition and metamood, and hones your observing ego skills. As you label your feelings, you create some distance from them and aren’t swept away or overwhelmed by them. This allows you some control over them, and the emotional room to modify or change them to your liking.

#2 Journal it.

If you like to write, spend some time journaling with the specific goal of exploring and reviewing your thoughts and feelings. This can be focused on something you’re working on emotionally, or it can be free-floating meaning just write whatever comes to mind.

In either case, you can reread, review, apply better labeling, and gain some distance so you can see what’s actually there. Again, this allows you to modify or change what you feel.

#3 Practice mindfulness.

Mindfulness is a more formal method of tapping into your observing ego to improve your self-awareness. It’s the practice of watching your thoughts and feelings arise, acknowledging them, and then letting them go.

You do this much like watching a train of cars coming into view, getting closer and closer, and then passing by and receding out of view.

The idea is to not get caught up in your thoughts, but to see them with impartiality. You acknowledge them and let them pass by, without holding on or being swept away by them.

There are other mindfulness practices such as body relaxation, breathing exercises, and meditation. All of these help to increase self-awareness because they calm your mind enough to get just below the noise of thoughts and feelings, and allow you to experience them from a distance.

3 Things to Remember When Practicing Self-Awareness

1. Don’t censor your feelings. We can’t help how we feel and there’s no right or wrong to feelings we have. The right or wrong comes in when we act on them. To do that well, you first need to know what’s there so you can make decisions based on all the information, not just some of it. What you censor or suppress just goes underground and affects you anyway, only without your direction. So let them surface, observe them, and then act.
2. You’re more than what you think and feel. You have thousands of thoughts and feelings in a single day, and some of these come up from inside you while others are snatches of things or events you’ve been exposed to outside of you. For example, if you watch the news all day about mass shootings, you may have many more thoughts that contain violent content. That doesn’t mean you’re violent. It just means you’ve been inundated with that content. Thoughts and feelings have many sources. Don’t use them as measures of who you are, but more as information you can use to be more directive about where you put your attention.
3. To not have an observing ego is to lack control over yourself and your life. It condemns you to repeating the same mistakes over and over. It’s living by instincts without using your thinking brain to help you order your life and guide it’s trajectory.

Having an active observing ego in good working order is making the most of what we’ve been gifted as human beings. We have the tools to self-actualize, evolve, connect, and feel comfortable with ourselves. It’s the tool that allows us to have a fully developed conscience. So use it!

That’s all for today. Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara