Photo by JulNichols, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Sometimes, I feel like my life’s a list – a neverending list of to-dos.

I’m assuming you grapple with the same problem. Life is very busy these days, and we have to stay on top of many things at once. So, we need a system that does the job.

The question is, “What’s the best system?”

There are oodles of them out there, but many are very complex! If you like to plan, you may be drawn to these, but they don’t necessarily help you stay on top of things.

They’re fun to use and get excited about, but they’re too complicated to keep up with. You plan, but you don’t always execute.

I’ve got a very simple two-step system, which you can use without downloading apps, purchasing planners, or creating extra categorized lists to keep up with.

I want to share it with you because it’s easy, and it works!

Here it is!

I use a singular list and calendar. These are the only tools necessary.

There are three reasons for this:

1. It keeps me from losing things or letting them fall through the cracks.
2. My single list is available on all my devices and can be accessed easily anytime.
3. My attention stays focused on executing rather than planning.

Here’s how I do it.

Step 1: Make the Lists

I use my iPad, which also links to my phone and computer. That way, everything on my list is available at any time. It’s the same list.

You can use your phone or computer if that’s better for you, or a handwritten list. Do what works.

1. Every week, I make a list for each day—all seven. My headings are Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and so on.
2. Then, I list everything I intend to accomplish each day—work tasks, home tasks, errands, and self-care—all in one place. Doing that lets me see it all at a glance and never miss anything. This is the most important step because you have everything on your plate at a glance. Most people make different lists for different types of tasks and although that might make sense, it’s harder to keep up with.
3. Next, I review the list for the next day before retiring and again when I get up in the morning so it’s fresh in my mind.

Reviewing it the night before primes me and improves my performance the next day because I don’t have to spend a moment deciding what I need to do. It’s all there.

Generally, I set up the whole week at one time, which is Saturday morning for me. You can choose any day and time that works best for you.

Step 2: Add to Calendar

After finishing the lists, I transfer everything to my Google calendar, so I know when I’ll be performing each task.

Putting things on your calendar lets you see if you’re overloading or underloading.

As you place things in space, you visualize locations where you’ll perform them, which adds another sensory layer to help you execute the tasks when it’s time to do them.

Step 3: Execute and Rejoice!

Now for the fun part. When you accomplish something, delete it from your list. It’s done!

It always feels good to watch the list shrink, and that simple act inspires you to keep going.

The Benefits

1. You don’t lose anything.

As mentioned already, putting everything on a single list keeps you from forgetting anything. It’s all there for you to see on every device you use, and you can access it anytime.

2. You’re more efficient.

Having everything in one place allows you to make the best use of your time.

You start with time blocks and a schedule, but as the day proceeds and unexpected things pop up, you can quickly shift things around to be more efficient.

For example, if you’ve set up an appointment that gets canceled, you can do something else on the list or add something in.

And because you know all the tasks you need to do on any particular day, you can move things along without much preparation when time opens up.

You also aren’t chasing down tasks that are listed in different places on multiple lists. It’s all right there.

3. Revisions are easy.

If you don’t get everything done on your list on the day it’s designated, which happens when unexpected things crop up, you can revise your lists in minutes.

You can move something to the next day or add something new if there’s extra time. Seeing it all at a glance helps you prioritize quickly. It’s easy and fluid!

4. You make room for downtime.

The best thing about a single list and calendar system is that you can be deliberate about scheduling self-care and downtime.

For example, I schedule a morning routine every day, and I know exactly how much time it will take. I also stop working at a scheduled time every day.

It’s essential to have an end time when your work day is over.

Start by defining what that means for you. Does that include job duties, home duties, or child care?

When can you officially post your off-duty sign?

If you’re a busy person, it’s easy to fill your evenings with the overflow of tasks that didn’t get done during the day.

If you have kids, scheduling downtime in the evenings is even more challenging, but it’s essential to do it.

That might mean getting very firm about bedtimes so that you have specific hours in the evening free for yourself or for time with your partner.

It also means efficiently planning evening activities such as meals, baths, homework, etc.

All of these things can and should be included on your daily lists. By doing that, you will become more efficient with your night and day routines, allowing you to have time for yourself.

One More Practice to Increase Your Efficiency: Batching

Batching is another practice that can simplify your to-do system and help you become more efficient and focused.

Batching is performing specific types of tasks in batches rather than spreading them out over each day.

For example, you might cook several meals ahead and freeze them, then thaw and reheat them for dinner. That way, you won’t have to cook every day.

I spend two or three hours on the weekend doing this, and I’m super happy about it during the weekdays.

You can also day-batch, which you may already do.

Day-batching means assigning particular types of tasks to one or two days rather than spreading them out over a week.

For example, you use one day of the week to clean, do laundry, run errands, and perform other home tasks, which leaves other days free to focus only on work or leisure activities.

Batching is also helpful for work tasks. You can batch similar tasks either in time segments or by days, or work on specific projects on designated days or time slots.

In general, batching helps you:

• Increase your focus
• Open up time slots for other things
• Avoid daily interruptions to your more important work
• Feel a sense of accomplishment
• Keep your brain space freed up

What About Bigger Projects?

Large projects don’t fit neatly on a daily to-do list.

I keep a running list of projects “to be done” on my iPad just below my daily lists.

That way, I don’t forget them, and everything is still in one place.

When I’m ready to tackle a project on the list, I break it down into tasks and add them to the daily to-do lists. Once I do that, projects get done without much stress and are eased into my calendar.

That’s it!

If you have a system that already works well for you, keep going. But if not, try this one out and see how you like it. It’s simple, effective, and easy!

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Suggested Reading: 5 Things That Steal Your Time

Photo by Alexandru Zdrobău on Unsplash

Last week, I explained why you might repeatedly get involved with the same type of toxic person.

This week, I want to help you identify the signs upfront so you can avoid falling into situations you’ll regret later. To do that, I’ll review some behaviors to look for.

As you read, keep in mind that anyone can occasionally display one of these behaviors when under emotional or physical stress.

The difference between someone who’s toxic and someone who occasionally slips is that, in the former case, the behaviors are part of their overall character.

Let’s start by going over nine behavior patterns to look for.

9 Common Toxic Behavior Patterns

1. It’s all about them.

Toxic people are concerned first and foremost about themselves. Whatever the conversation or interaction, they bring the attention back to them.

Toxic people lack empathy in most cases and are unable to consider the needs and feelings of other people. Theirs take precedence.

And if you ask them for something, they’ll either dismiss or ignore your request or compete with you for the spotlight.

2. They manipulate regularly.

They use manipulation and gaslighting as a one-two punch to get you to keep your focus on them while questioning your self-worth.

They shame you when you address your needs or feelings. It’s a case of chronic one-upping to the extreme.

You feel like you owe them something and need to earn it, although it’s always just out of reach.

They challenge you to prove yourself over and over, yet you never make the grade. Or if you do, it’s temporary.

3. You never know who’s going to show up.

One day, everything’s fine, and the next, they’re upset and cranky, yet you have no idea what caused the shift.

When you ask what’s wrong, they say “nothing,” but you feel it just the same.

They give little hints that you’ve done something. They retreat, get quiet, or give you the cold shoulder. They might make faces, subtly shake their head, sigh, and show visible signs of disappointment.

The air around you is tense, and you feel like you need to fix it, yet if you comment about it, they’ll tell you it’s all in your head.

4. They don’t apologize for anything.

When toxic people get caught doing something they shouldn’t or are abusive in some way, they justify their behavior and subtly or not so subtly shift the blame to you.

They demand your apology, and often, you find yourself apologizing for things they did.

It’s amazing that even in the face of evidence, they manage to make you feel responsible for whatever happened.

5. They’re accomplished gaslighters.

The gaslighter’s goal is to rewrite history to make you question what you see and know.

Over time, you become confused, emotionally beaten down, and unsure about what’s happening. You feel chronically overwhelmed.

They also isolate you from your friends and family so that their voice is prominent and you have little to no outside support.

6. They drain you.

Between the negativity, reality distortion, manipulation, and neediness, these folks suck the life out of you. After a while, you feel depleted mentally, emotionally, and physically.

People who live with a toxic partner for any length of time can eventually become ill, depressed, and chronically anxious or overwhelmed.

7. You can’t have a successful conversation to resolve a problem.

Toxic people use projection as a tool to avoid dealing with issues that in any way focus on their dysfunctional behavior.

When you confront them or attempt to talk through a problem, they either accuse you of the very thing they’re doing or deny it outright.

They also topic-hop to avoid focusing on a subject long enough to delve into it, especially if it portrays them in a negative light.

Often, they bring up old events that have nothing to do with the current issue.

Another common defense tactic is to focus on how you’re talking or your tone of voice rather than the issue.

You start out talking about something that’s bothering you, and before you know it, you’re defending your delivery and losing the battle.

These conversations are always win-lose, and you’re the loser.

8. They steal your joy.

When you share something positive that’s happened to you, or you’re excited about something, they minimize it.

They’re envious of your successes and shift the attention back onto themselves while denigrating your accomplishments.

On the other hand, they will be present during a crisis and, in the process, build a case for your deficits.

They might involve others, such as family members, friends, or colleagues, to support their thoughts about what’s wrong with you.

9. They exaggerate.

They’re famous for choosing a single incident where you tripped up and magnifying it as evidence of your many inadequacies.

They use words like “always, never, and every time” when describing situations.

Conversely, they use hyperbole and superlatives to describe their behavior and achievements.

How Can You Tell Upfront if Someone’s Toxic?

First, take it slow.

When getting into a relationship, whether romantic, friendship, or otherwise, it’s best to take your time getting to know the other person before getting in deep.

People generally put their best foot forward at the beginning. Narcissists, in particular, can be very charming and draw you in quickly.

Over time, they reveal more of who they are. It’s good to allow this process the time it needs before getting further in.

Beware of someone who wants to move quickly, especially if they put you on a pedestal and make you feel special. You’ll fall off soon enough. Take your time.

Secondly, find out about their history.

What’s the quality of their other relationships?

Do they have long-term relationships and attachments? Are they involved with their kids and talk about them with affection? Can they keep friends? Do they job-hop because they don’t get along with people at work?

You might find that they’ve been in a number of relationships that haven’t worked out, and in describing them, they blame the other person while denying any wrongdoing on their part.

How do they treat people? That’s what you want to know.

Other questions to ask yourself if you’re already in a relationship:

1. Are you walking on eggshells much of the time?
2. Do you consistently feel like you need to do more, be better, and prove your loyalty to this person?
3. Do they find fault with you regularly, regardless of what you do?
4. Do you often find yourself apologizing for things you didn’t do or problems you didn’t initiate?
5. Do you feel worn out, unappreciated, neglected, angry, or despairing?
6. Are you questioning your perceptions of what you know and see happening?
7. Is the overall atmosphere tense, negative, and competitive?
8. Do you bring out the worst in each other? Do you find yourself behaving in ways you disapprove of, such as gossiping, being mean, and losing your temper often?

If you say yes to most or even half of these questions, then examine the relationship more closely.

Sometimes, the only solution is to get out, but depending on your situation, that may not be possible.

You can work at it by doing any or all of these things:

• Start setting boundaries for toxic behaviors and stick to them.
• Get some outside help to walk you through the process. For couples, counseling together and separately is useful.
• Reach out to friends, family, or activities outside of your relationship. Don’t let yourself be isolated.

People can sometimes change their behavior if they value the relationship enough not to lose it. In those cases, you can work on things together.

But if the other person refuses to make any changes and continues not to be concerned about your needs and feelings, then you have to consider long-term consequences.

I recommend getting some help in those cases. Everyone’s situation is unique.

One Last Thing

If you need help learning to set boundaries and like to read, get the book ​Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself ​by Nedra Glover Tawwab. It’s excellent and will give you some good strategies to try.

That’s all for today.

We’ll go a little lighter next week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by JulPo, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Sometimes, in spite of being careful, you keep getting involved with and drawn to the same type of toxic person.

It’s easy to blame yourself, but there are reasons this happens. It’s complicated.

It involves something called “repetition compulsion,” which we’ll discuss today.

Let’s start with a definition.

What is Repetition Compulsion?

It’s a theory that says you repeatedly seek out situations that mirror experiences you had growing up, especially traumatic ones, and repeat the patterns associated with them.

Okay, that’s a little wordy. Here’s an example: Let’s say you grew up with a distant, stern, cold parent, and you could never get their approval.

You might find yourself repetitively getting involved with romantic partners who have similar characteristics.

And each time when you realize it, you blame yourself for not being more selective in your choices.

This pattern is a form of repetition compulsion.

It’s a compulsion because it’s mostly an unconscious process. In other words:

You don’t knowingly or consciously choose someone or a situation that mirrors past traumatic or abusive experiences.

The victim—in this case, you—is not at fault. Other factors are involved in making this happen, but not because you knowingly sought it out.

That brings us to why it happens.

What Are the Causes of Repetition Compulsion?

There are several possibilities, and more than one may apply.

1. A Desire to Rewrite the Experience

Using our example of the distant parent, you would choose someone with that same dynamic and then try to win them over, thereby correcting the relationship and rejection you had from your parent.

If you’re good enough and do just the right things, you can win the love and affection you didn’t get growing up and transform your partner into someone who values you.

This particular scenario is common and not easy to repair.

You might find that you pick that same person more than several times, and even though you recognize that these behavior patterns are not in your best interest, you still have the unconscious drive to make good by changing the partner’s responses to you.

One reason this type of repetition compulsion is so strong is that it was lodged into your psyche during your developing years.

Even if you consciously rejected that parent and their neglectful behavior, you may find yourself attracted to someone with similar psychological dynamics and not be attracted to partners who openly accept and love you.

2. Staying Close to What’s Familiar

A second reason for repeating these experiences is sticking with what you know.

You, I, and just about everyone seek out what’s familiar.

It’s our emotional home, even if it’s a highly dysfunctional and broken-down home.

What we know is deeply ingrained in us, and we return to it automatically because of its familiarity. That’s just the way we work.

That doesn’t mean you don’t have the ability to discriminate what’s healthy or not healthy for you, but that capacity can get blurred or lose the competition between becoming aware and returning to what you know.

This is especially true when what’s familiar is something you experienced repeatedly during your early years. It’s embedded on a cellular level.

You’ve been conditioned.

3. The Trauma or Experiences Have Become Part of Your Self-Image

In the first case we discussed, you thought you could correct the trauma by winning over the neglectful, aloof parent in a current relationship.

In this case, the opposite occurs. You’ve unconsciously accepted the repetitive messages that you aren’t lovable, acceptable, interesting, valuable, or worthy of someone’s attention. These become part of your self-image.

This drives you to seek out similar partners and situations where you receive identical treatment because, on an unconscious level, you believe you deserve it.

How Do You Change These Patterns?

Treating repetition compulsion is not a short-term process. It takes time and is gradual.

That makes sense because the formation process occurred over time and during formative years.

Another reason time is required is that trauma has sticking power in your memory, even subconscious memory, because of its strong emotional impact.

It’s like a deep cut with a big scar as opposed to a scratch that disappears with no scar. And, emotional triggers reopen the wound easily.

The primary work of changing a repetition compulsion embedded in your sense of self is reconstructing who you think you are.

That doesn’t mean becoming someone else, but rather going through a process of releasing yourself from the trauma or experiences you had.

It’s kind of like an exorcism. That’s a strong image, but the idea applies.

You pull the trauma out and revise how you see yourself outside of it. Instead of seeing yourself as a victim, you see yourself as someone who was victimized but not permanently damaged.

This transformation is a significant shift because it frees you from the need to repeat the experience.

You may need to revisit or at least identify the original experiences that brought you to where you are. You don’t have to go through every incident that occurred, but define the overall impact of the experience.

How were you affected by it, and how is it showing up in your life right now?

As you do that, you make progress. The pain is released, and you can let it go. It’s still there, but more as a faint memory.

Four Elements Are Necessary

Four elements are required for the process to be successful:

1. Awareness

You must be willing to become aware of the links between your current repetitive behavior and its original source or sources. That means diving into history to see where the problem originated and how it’s manifesting now.

2. Patience

Recognize and be willing to allow the time necessary to work through the process.

The good thing is that as your sense of self changes, you lose your attraction and drive to revisit the trauma or hold on to that familiar emotional home that’s unhealthy.

You move into a new home.

3. Avoidance of self-destructive behavior

You need to halt any self-destructive behaviors that are contributing to your unrest.

That doesn’t mean jumping out of a relationship you’re unsure about. It means avoiding behaviors such as substance abuse, overspending, or any unhealthy habit that’s sabotaging your well-being and would also sabotage the process of healing.

This requires learning how to set boundaries for yourself and others.

4. Therapeutic Assistance

You can work on this process by yourself if the compulsions you have are not that severe or are not causing you great distress.

But if the problem is long-standing and you’re at a point where you’re unable to break up the compulsive patterns, get help from someone who can assist you as you do the work.

Therapy generally increases your awareness and insights because someone is guiding you and asking you the right questions.

Other Types of Repetition Compulsion

There are other expressions of repetition compulsion. Some examples are:

• Repeating rituals you don’t enjoy but you do them anyway
• Being overly perfectionistic
• Placing yourself repeatedly in the same negative situations or environments
• Self-sabotaging habits like avoidance, procrastination, or beating yourself up

All these patterns are similar in that they’re driven by compulsion instead of by choice.

That’s the differentiating factor, and that’s what makes them more challenging to overcome.

It helps to look at them without self-blame yet take responsibility for changing them.

If you approach them from a place of shame, you’ll fall further back.

You know the saying, “What’s done is done. Now what?”

It’s the “now what” you have the power to influence and control, and you can, but take it slow and be patient with yourself. You will succeed!

Next week, I’ll show how to identify toxic behaviors in other people.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Photo by Frazao Studio Latino, Courtesy of iStockPhoto

That’s a rather sobering title, isn’t it? But it’s true. Whether you’re doing your best or not doing your best, you are responsible for how your life proceeds. No one else can do it for you.

That doesn’t mean that things don’t happen beyond your control. They do and always will. It means that you have choices about how to react to what happens. You also have choices about what you initiate and pursue and how you conduct yourself throughout your experiences.

Here’s how I learned this lesson!

I learned all this the hard way, and unfortunately, many of us seem to learn that way.

At one point, I got into horrible credit card debt. I won’t tell you how much because it’s embarrassing.

It happened when I partnered with someone to open and run a business. We went into it with pie-in-the-sky expectations, lots of enthusiasm, and confidence that everything would go well. If you’ve ever been an entrepreneur, you know this mindset.

Sure enough, it wasn’t long before we maxed out our credit cards to make ends meet because we hadn’t done our research ahead or prepared for any obstacles.

After lots of blaming this and that for the failure – the economy had turned on us, our location was wrong, we didn’t have the right staff, etc. – we had to come to terms with the debt.

I kept hoping for some miraculous help or magic windfall to set things right, but that rarely happens in real life. Eventually, I had to admit that we hadn’t been smart, and the fault was ours.

We made a plan to pay the money back over three years, which involved working more and tightening up spending. It was grueling, but in three years, the credit cards were empty.

Here’s what I took away from that experience that has stayed with me and might come in handy for you, too, if the situation arises.

1. No one is going to save you. You must take responsibility.

The first step in saving yourself is to accept and acknowledge what you’ve done or not done that’s resulted in your current situation.

It’s not the economy, global warming, the government, your friends, or your family. It’s you. Once you accept that, you can start your trek back up.

When I realized I would have to work a lot more over a long period of time to pay back all that money, I wasn’t happy. Yet, once I accepted the situation and started working on it, I felt some relief.

When all the money was paid back and my credit score zoomed up, I was grateful that no one had saved me and that I had to learn the lessons involved. I wouldn’t have it any other way because those lessons have stayed with me, and life is better as a result.

2. Practice self-sufficiency.

You might be on top of certain aspects of your life but irresponsible with other parts of it.

Maybe you’re a super salesperson and bring consistent money into the company, yet show up late for meetings, forget to pay your bills on time, let your laundry pile up, and neglect your dog.

It’s essential to take care of yourself and your responsibilities across all areas of your life, and be aware of how your behavior affects those who rely on you.

When you neglect responsibilities, you will eventually sabotage yourself, and the consequences will seep into your successes and disrupt them.

Again, no one can save you. Even if someone steps in to help, until you recognize and correct your dysfunctional behavior, the patterns will repeat. And people will know they can’t count on you.

3. Think ahead.

Much of the pain people encounter could have been prevented if they’d thought ahead.

That’s nothing new—I’m sure you’ve heard that many times. But have you taken it in and applied it? It’s not easy to do so because emotions get in the way.

Emotions are essential and provide interest, drive, and energy, but they need to be tempered by thought, objectivity, and evaluation.

When you decide on a course of action, consider all the things that can go wrong. That doesn’t mean being a pessimist – it means being aware of what you might encounter as you take action.

I’m an optimist at heart, and optimism is energizing when you have a goal, but make sure it’s grounded in reality so that you take the necessary steps to be successful in your endeavors instead of going full-speed onto the expressway with only half a gallon of gas in your tank.

4. Stop blaming!

When things go wrong, it’s easy to start a litany of blame.

Sometimes, you blame other people, surrounding circumstances, and unforeseen changes. Other times, you blame yourself, but not in a constructive way. You shred yourself and keep doing it until you’re immobilized. In truth, extensive self-battering is another form of avoidance.

This is called the ​shame-blame circle​, and it’s like stepping into a whirling eddy and drowning. The better approach is not to blame but to look at the actions and factors that led to the situation and review what you could have done differently to get better results.

How can you avoid making the same mistake again, and what can you do now to correct the situation?

It’s not about who’s to blame, but what you can learn.

5. Look for patterns.

One of the facts of life is that you will encounter the same obstacles repeatedly until you resolve them.

In other words, the same crappy situations come at you until you face them.

Worse, they get stronger and louder if you don’t pay attention.

So, if you drink and drive, you might run over a curb while parking and get a flat tire. If you drink and drive again, you might get a DUI and lose your license for a while. If you do it again, you might have an accident where someone is hurt.

That’s an obvious example, but some situations are more subtle and require greater self-awareness and honest evaluation. For instance, many minor infractions at a job can pile up until one day, the boss calls you into her office and fires you.

Get good at observing yourself in all your interactions and behaviors to make sure that you aren’t:

1. Repeating the same mistakes over and over.
2. Avoiding awareness of what you’re doing and the consequences of your actions.

You want to stay on top of your own personal trends. “Trends” is a good concept here because it puts single actions and behaviors within the context of how your life is moving.

You rarely stand still. You’re either going forward or backward, and it’s in your best interest to know which way that is. If you don’t, you give up your control, yet you’re still responsible for how it goes.

You wouldn’t go out into the ocean on a speed boat and sit in the back while the boat sped willy-nilly across the water. Even if the boat is idling, it’s still moving. Grab the steering wheel and take charge of the direction and speed so you go where you want to go.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

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Photo by ArtMarie, Courtesy of iStock Photo

If this question resonates with you, I’m guessing you had to take on adult responsibilities early in life and got good at it.

Maybe you’re the oldest child in your family or the child who was the designated caretaker for your siblings. Whatever the case, you likely developed some exceptional skills from those experiences that you’ve taken into your adulthood.

That’s the good side.

The downside is you may be so good at caretaking that you’re easily taken advantage of and do more than your share in relationships.

This blog is for you in either case. I’ll discuss the pluses and minuses of being that person and give you some thoughts about how you can capitalize on the pluses and put those minuses to rest.

By the way, I’m the oldest of eight children, so I have a little inside experience that will help.

Let’s start with the pluses.

Assets of a Good Caretaker

Management

Children charged with adult responsibilities, such as taking care of siblings and sometimes their parents, learn how to manage and prioritize tasks to keep everything running smoothly.

They’re super managers!

For example, if your parents worked and you had siblings, you likely learned how to do laundry, clean, prepare food, babysit, and perform basic duties for your siblings, like feeding, dressing, bathing, and keeping them occupied.

My mom did all those things in my family, but there were so many younger ones that I learned to do them all, too. We were a tag team for much of the home and caretaking responsibilities.

Multi-tasking

Managing a home and caring for children simultaneously requires getting good at multi-tasking.

You don’t actually multi-task. Research has taught us that multi-tasking involves quickly shifting your attention from one thing to another and back again as needed.

However, a good caretaker knows how to arrange and organize things to get the most done possible within a particular time frame.

For example, you can keep an eye on the kids while folding laundry and watching something on the stove. It’s tricky, but practice pays off. Caretakers are pros at this. You can do it at the office too.

Perceptiveness

Caretaking requires you to keep your attention focused outward.

Because you’re responsible for many tasks and people, you must be aware of what’s happening around you most of the time.

With many hours of practice, you get very good at seeing the big picture, as would a director or manager, while also noticing details that matter. You become proficient at reading a room, perceiving the emotional temperature, and anticipating what everyone needs.

These skills are particularly enhanced if your parents relied on you emotionally. Some adult children are hyperaware of their parent’s feelings and needs.

Children with dominant or authoritarian parents may be especially tuned into other’s emotions. The same is true if your parent used you as a confidante and turned to you for emotional soothing and support.

The other issue is the single parent who is drowning and must rely more on the oldest child to help emotionally and logistically.

All these situations create emotional hypervigilance that carries into adulthood.

Flexibility

If you were raised with many people and had adult responsibilities as a child, you learned to be flexible, even if that’s not your natural temperament.

Dealing with and managing many personalities at once forces flexibility if you are to survive.

Despite schedules, priorities, and plans, changes pop up constantly and require you to pivot to manage them.

Learned flexibility in early life helps you ride the waves of adult life, and you can choose more deliberately what to get worked up over and what to let go of.

This doesn’t apply to everyone, but most early caretakers are flexible as adults.

Deficits of Becoming a Child Caretaker

Lack of Power

One of the standout deficits of being a child who performs as a caretaker is the conflict between having a lot of adult responsibility and little to no authority to make decisions, especially during adolescence.

This unnatural set of opposing drives can settle into your personality and show up repetitively in your adult life.

You might get into professions where you have a lot of responsibility and little decision-making power, or you might find yourself often working with domineering bosses who demand a lot of you without considering your needs.

The same can happen when choosing partners who demand extensive caretaking and give you little back.

It’s a known pattern that capable caretakers who have yet to learn to set boundaries attract people who want to be taken care of.

You’re a magnet for this person. And once they find you, they drain you.

They quickly learn how to guilt you into doing their bidding and take advantage of your skills. That’s one of the most significant downsides of being a child caretaker and bringing it into adulthood.

Difficulty Setting Boundaries

As a child and adolescent, you don’t have choices about how many caretaking responsibilities you take on, but as an adult, you do.

You can set boundaries to avoid being taken advantage of, but it isn’t easy. Being a caretaker without authority has become part of your identity, even if your parents didn’t mistreat you or take great advantage of you.

It’s still a pattern that’s gelled and requires reworking. You feel guilty when you refuse to accommodate someone.

Doing It All

Accomplished caretakers sometimes find it difficult to allow people to help them.

After all, you’ve earned your badge by getting very good at what you do, and even if you complain about it, part of you likes being the only one who can get it all done.

The problem is you won’t allow others to participate even as you’re overwhelmed and worn out. You have a hard time delegating and letting go. You’re a one-person show.

Difficulty Expressing Your Needs

When you’re the caretaker, the attention is on others’ needs, not yours. Your needs are pushed down both from the outside by others and from the inside by yourself.

Let’s take a moment here to distinguish caretaking from competence. You can be highly skilled yet have no problems asserting your needs and accepting help, even as you give. That’s competence.

The difficulty for caretakers is that they’re great at giving but need help receiving. They’ve been conditioned to put their needs on the back burner. Expressing them seems foreign and feels awkward and selfish.

They’re used to being needed, not wanting for themselves. However, they may secretly build up a cache of resentment that occasionally explodes.

What to Do

We’ve touched on what to do when listing the minuses, but let’s summarize it more succinctly.

1. Recognize

You may know you’re a caretaker and may be unhappy with your role, but you still need to fully recognize how much your history is involved in placing you there. Review it thoughtfully. Write it out.

In what ways was your caretaking role developed, and how are you still playing it out in your current circumstances?

2. Assess

Now, assess where you need to make changes. What boundaries do you need to set?

This is tricky because people who rely on you will object when you begin making changes. You may need to go slowly and have many conversations to work this out.

However, if someone is unwilling to consider your needs, you may need to set more stringent or permanent boundaries.

3. Express

Begin getting used to expressing your needs and desires, especially with people who are integral to your life.

To do this, you will also have to give up being in charge of everything, which will be difficult for you.

The paradox is that by doing it all, you feel some control, even if you’re being taken advantage of. By sharing responsibility, you get more time to attend to other things but give up some control.

Part of this step is getting comfortable with not managing everything and allowing others to do their part their way. It takes time to get used to, but ultimately, the shift is in your best interest and those involved. Everyone benefits.

The Goal

The goal is to use the skills you gained as a young caretaker. They’re super skills, and you’re lucky to have developed them early.

The second part of the goal is to be competent without being used or taken advantage of and to share responsibilities in your relationships so that everyone gets their needs met and you enjoy more intimacy and teamwork. It’s a win-win!

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by amenic181, Courtesy of iStock Photo

It’s that time of year again. School’s out in most states, and it’s warming up! But that doesn’t mean learning should come to a halt for several months. Learning is great all year round. And it’s fun to choose what you want to learn, which is what summer reading is all about.

Here’s my recommended list of the top six books I’ve read this year. They’re all awesome!

Two of them will enhance your communication skills, one will help you deal with regret, and another will tell you all you need to know about how your memory works and how to protect it. Then there’s a book to make your marriage and relationships hum, and finally, one that will put your ego on red alert and show you how to get around it. If you’re an entrepreneur, business owner, or trying to master a skill, you’ll love that last one.

Let’s get to it!

1. Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg

First up is Charles Duhigg’s Supercommunicators, a super-read and one of the most comprehensive books on communication I’ve encountered.

A central premise of the book is that most problematic conversations occur because you aren’t engaging in the same type of conversation as the other person. Duhigg describes three conversation categories that require different types of focus and responses.

Additionally, he describes the neurological workings of the brain when conversing, which gives you some inside information about what parts of the brain are used for different types of conversations and especially what role emotions play.

He emphasizes and teaches you how to listen actively, read body language, use storytelling, show empathy, and recognize what the other person wants from a conversation as you talk to them. That’s really helpful!

He also provides some great strategies for conflict situations. He offers many real-life examples to illustrate the concepts, which makes the information easy to assimilate and relate to.

The best thing is that you can apply the information for interpersonal conversations, work and professional interactions, and written communication. If you read this book, you will undoubtedly improve your communication skills and make better connections with people.

2. Remember by Lisa Genova

Remember by Lisa Genova is an all-in-one treatise on how memory works, how to improve and protect it, and when and why it’s faulty.

If you worry about how good your memory is or have concerns about forgetfulness, you will love this book!

Genova begins with a detailed description of how memories are formed and the four steps necessary to make and store a memory. She then provides an easy-to-understand sketch of the parts of the brain used in memory-making so you can almost visualize the process.

Next, she describes the elements that cause people to remember some things and not others and provides specific, concrete strategies for increasing memory retention. I loved this section!

Finally, Genova discusses how memory changes with aging, why this happens neurologically, and what you can do to slow it down. Most people don’t realize that memory begins to slow much earlier in life than they might think, and preserving it should also begin early. Her strategies are completely doable.

I highly recommend this book so you can begin preserving your memory immediately!

3. Rapport by Emily Alison & Laurence Alison

Rapport is our second book on communication. The authors are both well-known forensic psychologists who participated in developing a “model of rapport” based on over 2,000 law enforcement interviews. Their book is the result of this endeavor and lays out their model.

The book’s theme is that rapport building is the essential activity underlying good communication. You build rapport by making an authentic connection with another person through listening and seeking to understand.

Their model includes four foundations, which they refer to as the HEAR method. HEAR stands for: Honesty – Empathy – Autonomy – Reflection.

Each of these elements is described in detail and illustrated with real-life examples. Most fascinating are some of the author’s interviews with terrorists, where they used these foundational practices to elicit information without being manipulative or using trickery.

In addition to the four foundations, the authors describe four communication styles using animal avatars. These are:

1. T-Rex
2. Mouse
3. Lion
4. Monkey

They provide full descriptions and show you how to identify which style someone is using in a conversation, giving you insights into how to respond. This schematic is invaluable for increasing receptivity on both sides of a conversation.

The book is fascinating and informative. It offers numerous strategies for building rapport, honing communication skills, and remaining authentic as you engage.

4. The Love Prescription by John Gottman & Julie Gottman

The Love Prescription is the newest book by husband-and-wife team John Gottman, Ph.D., and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. The title is apt because it outlines a roadmap to improving your marriage (or intimate relationship) with concrete, specific actions based on proven research.

The authors walk you through seven strategies for deepening and maintaining your relationships. The steps are thoroughly elucidated and include examples of research done by them and others in their research lab, “The Love Lab.”

They tell you what to do and how and when to do it. They also tell you what not to do and why.

The fun part is that they use specific couples to illustrate their points and refer to them throughout the book. It’s like an inside peek at a marriage and seeing how a couple navigates precarious issues. The stories have a before-and-after feel, which is most helpful because you can see the strategies in action.

I would read any book by the Gottmans and have read several, but I love the prescriptive nature of this book and was able to apply the strategies quickly myself and see results. If you’re in a relationship or want to be in one, this book is a gem.

5. The Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday

I’ll start with an opening statement that pulls you right into the message of this book. The author says:

“Wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, your worst enemy already lives inside you: your ego.”

From there, he goes on to explain that our egos are mostly concerned with an “unhealthy belief in our own importance” which he describes as “arrogance and self-centered ambition.”

You get the gist! The rest of the book explains the various mechanisms the ego uses to thwart living by your principles, mastering something meaningful, and working to reach goals that reflect your core values.

Holiday says that we go through three stages when seeking to reach a goal or do something of value. These are:

1. Aspire – feel inspired
2. Succeed – meet with success
3. Fail – fail to stay there

He provides numerous real-life examples of people going through these cycles and how some have allowed the ego to thwart their progress, self-destructing in some cases. Then there are others who have successfully circumvented the ego through cultivating humility, rational determination, practice, seeking mastery instead of accolades, and using failures to improve.

Most importantly, this book shows you all the ways you get in your own way when you’re trying to accomplish or achieve something, and it does it so very well.

If you’ve ever read anything by Steven Pressfield (The War of Art), you will love this book. It gives you tools to help you keep your ego in check as you seek to succeed in whatever endeavor you desire. And in the process, make a solid contribution to humanity. I can’t recommend this book more highly!

6. The Power of Regret by Daniel Pink

We live in a culture that promotes optimism and positive thinking, both of which have proven results. However, negative emotions are necessary and have value.

Daniel Pink points out that regret is one of the most powerful negative emotions and an essential one because it helps us survive.

Used correctly, regret is instructive and “makes us better.” It’s a catalyst for change.

Pink takes us through the causes of regret and how we experience it. He identifies four categories of regret:

1. Foundation regrets
2. Boldness regrets
3. Moral regrets
4. Connection regrets

This categorization helps you understand more clearly what you regret and what areas of your life you need to work on.

Pink then offers strategies to help you deal with and process regrets. This part of the book is extremely beneficial. He takes you through the process of coming to terms with your regrets, making amends if possible, and learning from them. Finally, he tells you how to move forward from them.

The Power of Regret is a must-read book because all of us have regrets, and left unprocessed, regrets can cause long-term suffering. It’s impossible to sail through life without them, but fortunately, we can grow from them, and this book shows you how to do that.

Ta Da!

So there you have my list. I would be most interested in any books you’ve read that you would recommend. Please email me your list! I’m always looking for new books and information, and I’d also like to know what you’d like to hear more about.

That’s all for today!

Stay in the shade!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by RyanJLane, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Success is one of those concepts that’s ambiguous at best and suffocating at worst. Why? Because it assumes there’s an endpoint where achievement rests. You get there, and you’re done. You’ve arrived.

It’s an illusion.

You never arrive because learning and personal evolution continue your whole life. There is no reaching perfection, and there’s no end.

The other problem is that the idea of success becomes intimately tied to your ego. It’s a means of confirming your identity, worth, confidence, and passion. Think Tarzan beating on his chest after some feat of acrobatics on his swinging vine.

A better approach is working toward mastery. Mastery is an ongoing process of learning and deliberate practice. You keep working at something and get better and better at it.

The reward is the work itself and the satisfaction you receive from doing it.

When you seek mastery, your focus moves away from ego gratification to humble persistence and determination.

It’s a paradox: If you truly want to succeed, you must check your ego at the door and dedicate yourself to pursuing mastery.

To do that requires some mindset and habit shifts. Here they are.

1. Embrace being wrong.

To get good at anything, you have to embrace the idea of being wrong.

Why? Because it informs you of what you need to work on. It’s a natural part of the journey toward getting better at something.

Learning is a cyclical process of taking a step forward, a step backward, and trying again. Repeatedly.

Act – Evaluate – Adjust – Act again. Repeat this over and over until you improve, and keep improving.

The problem is that “being wrong” gets all tied up with our sense of self. We’ve got this idea that being right – knowing something – means we’re worthy, and being wrong or not knowing means we aren’t okay. We’re not the best. At worst, we’re losers. And, as the saying goes, everyone loves a winner.

Being wrong or right has nothing to do with who you are. It’s an opportunity to learn something you can apply to your life and your goals.

You’re always okay. Your identity doesn’t rest on what you know or believe. It does rest in part on your values, but core values are different from beliefs. They’re the principles you live by.

2. Seek feedback.

Feedback is a critical component of mastery.

It’s part of the ongoing evaluative process that lets you know how you’re doing and where you need to shift your direction.

It’s not easy to hear feedback, at least not initially, if you haven’t consciously worked at accepting and using it.

Who wants to work hard at something and feel good about it only to have someone else point out things that still need work? It’s tough to take that in, especially if what you’ve created or done is something you’ve worked at and feel proud of. It can really smart!

However, getting feedback from someone who knows more than you do and has more experience can motivate you to improve.

The source is important! You don’t want feedback from someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing or doesn’t have your best interest at heart.

Feedback from someone who’s ignorant or envious isn’t worth your time. But when you have the right source, feedback is invaluable and necessary if you want to get better at what you’re pursuing.

3. Find the right mentors.

To master anything, you’ll need teachers who are knowledgeable.

You may have many teachers or one teacher, depending on what you’re trying to master and who is available and willing to mentor you.

Finding the most qualified teachers is crucial because they can only take you as far as they’ve gone themselves.

And since your mentors and teachers will be the primary source of feedback, you want to be particular.

That said, sometimes you get different types of input or help from various teachers rather than a single person, and that’s all right, too, if it fits with what you’re working on.

I’ve found that finding one or two very qualified people to help works best. Too much input from many people is confusing and diffuses your process.

Going with a single teacher or mentor helps you get deeper into your process because you’re single-minded and can put all your energy and drive into learning without constantly second-guessing whether you’re moving in the right direction.

It’s working with a green light instead of a flickering yellow one.

4. Replace passion with quiet determination.

Our culture is obsessed with “finding your passion.”

There’s nothing wrong with pursuing something you’re interested in and excited about. Obviously, you want to work at something that fulfills you or that you have a natural inclination toward.

But passion is fleeting and doesn’t move you toward mastery. It’s the everyday actions, habits, evaluation, repetition, and quiet determination that get the job done.

Passion can get in the way because it’s based on emotions that are easily swayed. It can supply the initial drive, but it can also create a quick nosedive because you haven’t established a rational, well-thought-out system to get you to where you want to go. And when you don’t succeed quickly, you lose your drive.

Entrepreneurs often fall prey to passion, and before they know it, they’re overextended and overwhelmed. They’ve boxed themselves into failure because they didn’t apply careful thought, consider repercussions, and do the necessary research to test their ideas before taking the giant leap.

Mastery involves a mindful, organized process that consistently pays attention to incoming information, testing, feedback, practice, and daily action.

It has little to do with confidence or passion and much more to do with informed, dogged persistence and determination.

Paradoxically, it requires some detachment as you work.

5. Tie your identity to core values, not beliefs.

Beliefs are ideas you think to be true, whereas values are principles you live by, such as honesty, sincerity, integrity, responsibility, etc.

Your beliefs may arise from your values and experience, but they might also be passed down in families and cultures and are adopted without question.

Our egos can get tangled up in our beliefs, which tend toward confirmation bias. Rather than objectively questioning and researching before drawing conclusions, we look for information to back up what we already believe.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have any beliefs. We all have them, and they add meaning to our lives. But question them, particularly when you’re embarking on a goal-directed path.

To master something, you must let go of confirmation bias and keep your mind open. At the same time, you can apply some core principles to your process.

We’ve created some of those on our list thus far. They are:

1. Consistent, deliberate practice is necessary to succeed.
2. Feedback is a crucial component of any creative pursuit.
3. Open-mindedness to learning and making mistakes is critical.
4. The process is more important than the outcome.
5. A “Growth Mindset” is necessary for mastery.

By embracing these core values and applying them to getting exceedingly good at something, you will succeed and keep succeeding.

Now, choose something you want to master and apply these principles. Let me know if they work for you!

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Yolya, Courtesy of iStock Photo

When life throws you wicked curve balls, positive thinking may sound like the last thing you want to pursue. More likely, you want to vent, rant, cry, or make an escape.

And if things are really bad, hearing someone say, “Don’t worry, it’ll all work out!” doesn’t help either. It probably makes you mad.

You know there’s a but coming, right? And here it is:

Positive thinking is not pretending that what you’re experiencing is not happening. It’s also not a means of trying to suppress your negative emotions. It’s an effective method of helping you regulate your emotions as you work through a difficult situation.

Today, I’ve got eight positive thinking hacks you can use to help you get through a trying time and achieve the best possible outcomes.

1. Reframe it.

How you frame a situation in your mind significantly impacts how you will experience and respond to it.

An optimist or positive thinker handles it this way:

1. Allow yourself some time to work through your negative feelings about the situation, but not for an extended period.
2. Accept the situation as it is and look for any positive aspects that could be useful.
3. Create a narrative that includes possible solutions or actions you can take, as well as outcomes that will be beneficial.

A pessimist:

1. Inflates the negative aspects of the situation by ruminating and catastrophizing.
2. Resists accepting the situation and gets lost in complaining and venting.
3. Creates a narrative that includes blaming themselves or someone else, which prevents them from taking action and engaging in problem-solving.

Positive thinking is both an attitude and an approach. You look for the silver linings, but with your eyes open; not like Pollyanna, but also not apocalyptic.

2. Focus on what you can control and what actions you can take now.

Positive thinking requires being realistic while assessing all the options you can use to handle the situation successfully.

Distinguish between what you can and can’t control. Positive thinkers are problem-solvers. They look for actions they can take rather than spend time lamenting about what can’t be done.

Once you’ve reframed the situation and are clear about what you can do, do it. Taking action reduces feelings of helplessness.

If the situation is super overwhelming, then take small single actions and complete them. As you do that, you’ll see what you can do next and keep going. It’s like riding waves: Stay steady on the surfboard, but pivot as the water shifts under you. Eventually, you’ll come ashore.

3. Watch your self-talk.

Self-talk is either a friend or foe, and too often, it’s a foe, especially if you:

• Tend to criticize yourself against some perfect image you’ve constructed of who you “should” be and
• Have a strong need for others’ approval.

Positive thinking requires having some faith in your intuitive and perceptual abilities to handle problems that come along. That doesn’t mean you don’t have emotional ups and downs, but it means talking to yourself kindly and encouraging yourself to do your best with what you’ve got to work with.

Setbacks are normal and to be expected, but use them to make corrections when needed without self-recrimination.

You can handle more than you think. We all can. Keep that mantra going in your head, and tell your inner voice to be a cheerleader, not a Debbie Downer.

4. Stay present.

When you feel yourself succumbing to anxiety or overwhelm, use breathing and grounding to help re-establish your emotional equilibrium.

Square breathing is the easiest and quickest way to calm your body and mind.

Inhale to a count of four, hold for a count of four, and exhale to a count of four. Do the whole sequence four times. Be sure to breathe in slowly through your belly. It also helps to inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth.

Grounding is another technique that some people swear by to relieve anxiety.

A simple grounding exercise is called the 333 Rule for Anxiety. You name three things you can see in your immediate environment. Describe them to yourself. Now, name three sounds you can hear as you sit quietly and listen. Last, select three body parts and move them deliberately and slowly.

Using this technique pulls your mind away from fretting and re-centers you.

5. Identify and write down any positive outcomes or features of the current situation.

These are the silver linings we mentioned above. Positive thinkers always include this in their process because it strengthens and maintains a can-do mindset.

You keep your focus on what’s possible, and that creates momentum and energy. You don’t remove painful experiences or emotions, but you’re able to integrate them into movement forward rather than sinking into inertia and depression.

Writing crystallizes and clarifies. It also gives you some emotional space from your feelings.

6. Use humor as a relief valve.

When possible and appropriate, use humor to lighten up your load.

There was a movie called The Lion in Winter about Henry II and his estranged wife. In one scene, Henry and his wife had a horrific knock-down, drag-out fight. After it was over, Henry was lying across the stairs, completely emotionally spent. He looked up, lifted his eyebrows, and said, “Every family has its ups and downs.”

It was so ridiculous and funny because of its absurdity! Humor can be a very effective relief valve for tension.

7. Remind yourself that what’s happening now is time-limited.

When you feel immersed in something, it’s all that exists right now. It can feel endless, but it’s not. Do some future scoping and remind yourself that eventually, you’ll resolve the situation and be out of it.

Time has healing power, and keeping that in mind helps when you’re in a challenging situation.

8. Surround yourself with positive, empathetic people.

The company you keep has a powerful effect on how you feel, act, and perceive what happens around you.

Last week, I explained neural entrainment, which occurs when people click or spend time together. Our brains and bodies mimic each other, which means our emotions are contagious on a neural and biological basis.

The concept of mirror neurons also verifies that the more time you spend with someone, the more you take on their characteristics, language, ideas, and behavior.

Seek out people who are empathetic, supportive, and have a can-do attitude. Not an enabler, but someone who will help keep you straight.

You’ll find it easier to adopt those characteristics when those around you mirror them. The opposite is also true.

If you spend most of your time around pessimistic, negative, or otherwise toxic people, you will be duly affected by them, too.

What About Toxic Positivity?

There is such a thing as toxic positivity, which is different from what we’ve been talking about. Unlike true optimism, toxic positivity involves ignoring and avoiding issues that require attention. It’s like smoking cigarettes daily for years and saying, “No worries—I’ve got a great immune system! Everything will be fine!”

Toxic positivity is glossing over problems and pretending things will turn out well. “I think it, so it must be true.”

This is not optimism or positive thinking – it’s denial, and it’s dangerous.

The best approach is realistic optimism. Some people call it skeptical optimism, but I think realistic optimism is a better option because it means paying attention to what is and then using a positive, energized approach to deal with it.

That’s how to use positive thinking the right way.

If you’re interested in more information about positive thinking and some of the research behind it, I’ve listed several more articles below you might like to read.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week, as always!

All my best,

Barbara

Suggested Reading: ​

The Power of Positive Thinking​ by Kendra Cherry, MSEd
​How Positive Thinking Builds Your Skills, Boosts Your Health, and Improves Your Work​ by James Clear

Photo by Rawpixel, Courtesy of iStock Photo

If you’re an introvert, going to a conference or a party and making small talk with people you don’t know is a form of slow torture.

I had an office mate who used to say she’d rather stab herself in the eye than stand around and try to come up with inane comments to talk to people she didn’t know. That’s a little graphic and intense, but it sometimes feels like that to someone highly introverted.

There are some solutions, however, and even a staunch introvert can get good at talking to people they don’t know.

Let’s begin with why people talk to each other.

The Need to Connect

If you’re an introvert, you understand that when you do talk to someone, you do it because it has meaning for you. You feel a connection with the other person.

For introverts, this usually involves conversing with someone you know well and resonate with. Your conversations have purpose and stimulate you. They add something rather than drain you.

Talking to people you don’t know doesn’t have that same effect, but these conversations can also create a connection and add something. For an introvert, this takes practice and won’t happen overnight.

There are three things to consider when you initiate a conversation with anyone:

1. People enjoy talking about themselves.

You’re probably disagreeing with me right now because you know people who don’t like to talk about themselves, and you’re right. Not everyone does, but overall, if someone has an opportunity to talk about what’s important to them, they will.

2. When someone feels understood, they feel connected.

Being understood can happen in a single interaction. You pass a group of people complaining about the construction on a busy road just before Christmas, and you stop for a second and say, “Yeah, it’s a pain. What were they thinking?” They all nod yes, and one guy gives you a high five. You smile and move along. They felt understood, and for a brief moment, you connected.

Being understood can also occur in a lengthy one-on-one conversation with someone, even if that someone is a person you’ve never met before.

The same dynamic is in play when that happens. You can commiserate or resonate with something important to that person because you understand how they feel. I’ll get to how to make that happen in a minute.

3. Small talk is not about diving into a deep conversation right away.

It’s about getting to know someone, finding some similarities or ways to connect, and getting your feet wet. When you’ve made small talk with someone once, you can deepen the interaction the next time you see them.

Now for strategies.

5 Strategies to Make Conversation with New People

As we discuss these strategies, imagine that you’re at a conference with hundreds of people and will be required to attend mixers with the whole group.

1. Have three questions ready.

This strategy comes from Charles Duhigg’s book Supercommunicators.

He says to jot down the following:

• What are two topics you would like to discuss?
• What’s something you’d like to say to show what you’re interested in talking about?
• What’s a question you will ask to probe the other person’s interests?

In his book, Mr. Duhigg remarked that most often, you never end up using the topics you jotted down, but having them to fall back on helps you feel less anxious. And you might use them!

2. Be curious and ask open-ended questions.

You could ask something like, “What brings you to this conference?” That’s a good opening question. Then, depending on the answer, you can ask more specific questions like this:

You: “What brings you to this conference?”
Them: “I’m here for my job.
You: “What do you do?”
Them: “I’m a software developer.”
You: “Wow, that sounds interesting. Is it something you enjoy, or just a job for you?
Them: “I love it! It’s really stimulating and fun. I get bored easily, and it keeps me engaged.”
You: “I get bored easily too. How did you get started?”

You’ve asked some general questions, but you slipped in some personal ones that go a little deeper and you revealed something personal about yourself. You’re on the way to making a connection.

When you start with questions and show curiosity in your responses, the other person knows you’re listening and is encouraged to reveal more about themselves.

Then you can reciprocate—without taking over the conversation, of course—but create a comfortable volley back and forth.

3. Recognize when someone doesn’t want to engage in small talk, and don’t personalize it.

If you approach someone and introduce yourself, but they look away, fidget, and look down at their phone, they’re letting you know they don’t want to talk.

Don’t take this personally. Many people are uncomfortable with small talk and refuse to engage in it. Sometimes, they’re simply preoccupied with something else.

Anxiety and self-talk can get in the way in these instances, and you can decide that people don’t like you. In most cases, the rejection is not about you. It’s about something having to do with the person you’ve approached. So, move along to someone else.

4. Match the other person’s mood and energy.

This one’s another offering from Mr. Duhigg. He says that matching the other person’s energy level and mood when conversing signals that you want to align with them and make a connection.

For example, suppose you tell someone how excited you are about a new job, and they respond with a small smile and a “That’s nice,” statement. How would you feel? You would probably feel deflated and uncomfortable.

When someone’s talking, take care to make sure your responses match their mood and energy so they feel a connection with you.

5. Use humor.

Unless you’re talking to “Scrooge,” humor is always an icebreaker and a bridge to connect with ease. It puts you on the same side automatically and creates intimacy. When you laugh with someone, you synchronize with them. You click.

Here’s a cool fact: When you click with someone, your brains and bodies synchronize with each other. Here’s a description of that process from Mr. Duhigg:

“When we click with someone, our eyes often start to dilate in tandem; our pulses match; we feel the same emotions and start to complete each other’s sentences within our heads. This is known as neural entrainment, and it feels wonderful.”

I’m sure you’ve had this experience but weren’t aware of the neurological and physiological synchronization that was going on.

This can happen when you feel like someone totally gets you as you talk to each other, or you’re going back and forth about something you both agree on and have a strong interest in, or you’re genuinely laughing and tickled about something.

Sometimes, small talk develops into a deeper conversation when you’re engaged and showing interest in the other person. Other times, it opens the door to more conversations down the road. Both scenarios are fine.

How to End the Conversation

Always excuse yourself in a way that doesn’t leave the other person feeling rejected. Say that you need to go and why. The why doesn’t have to be elaborate. Once you’ve done that, say, “I’ve enjoyed talking and getting to know you.” If there’s the possibility you’ll see them again, you can say, “Hope to see you again.”

Mr. Duhigg recommends that after you announce you need to leave, say, “Let me ask you one more thing before I go,” and then ask. By doing that, you verify your interest in them even though you must end the conversation. This assumes, of course, that you do want to talk to them again.

Challenge Yourself

Now that you have some strategies, make a game of it. Challenge yourself to talk to people you don’t know and get better at it.

Ask the server in a restaurant a few questions about themselves or the cashier in the grocery line. Or say something to someone waiting in the checkout line with you. I’ve made friends with a cashier in Whole Foods and now always go through her line.

The more you practice, the easier it gets and the less discomfort you’ll have at social and work events. You won’t mind it. It might wear you out, but you won’t be anxious, and you’ll make new friends.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by SIphotography, Courtesy of iStock Photo

When you need to have a difficult conversation with someone, what can you do to increase the probability that it will be constructive?

This is a good question to consider, especially when the subject is a hot issue, or you’re afraid it will be poorly received. There are some steps you can take up front that will help reduce the likelihood of emotions getting out of control while also increasing mutual receptivity on everyone’s part, even when you disagree.

Start by prepping yourself before approaching the other person. By doing so, you can get clear on what you need from the conversation and anticipate what could go wrong so you’re ready for that.

From there, we’ll go over how you can structure the conversation.

Your Pre-Conversation Prep

Ask yourself these questions and make some notes so you can refer back to them.

1. What do you hope to accomplish?

In other words, what do you need or want from this conversation?

To answer that you must first clearly define the issue. Is it something practical, like how do we divvy up the household chores with our work schedules? Or maybe it’s an emotional issue, such as feeling disconnected, how you talk to each other, or something related to your kids.

No matter the problem, there’s always an emotional component, and it’s important to know what that is before you start because emotions are where things get complicated.

What feelings do you have about the issue?

After you’ve considered this, write a concise statement that defines the problem and the outcome you want.

A note here: Choose a specific, singular issue. Big global conversations that cover more than one issue easily get out of control. Stick to one thing, and don’t let it evolve into a kitchen sink battle.

2. Why is this issue important? What’s at stake?

On a scale from 1 to 10, how important is the issue to you? How much emotional space is it taking up in your mind? How would a resolution affect and benefit you? How would it benefit the other person? Answer these questions and then list for yourself what you want to say or get across and what solution(s) you have in mind, if any.

3. What are the obstacles you anticipate when talking about this problem?

How much receptivity do you expect from the other person to (1) have this discussion and (2) come to a consensus on how to resolve the problem? What kind of reactions do you foresee, and how will they be expressed? Write these down.

4. What can you do (or both do) to deal with these obstacles?

For this one, get specific. What will you do if the other person becomes angry or attacking? What if there seems to be no interest in negotiating a solution? What if they shut down?

The purpose of this exercise is to think ahead about how you can react to keep the conversation constructive. This is the hardest part of the process.

The Together Prep

Once you’ve thoroughly answered the prep questions and clearly understand what you want to accomplish, approach the other person and let them know you’d like to talk with them.

You might say something like,

“I’d like to talk to you about something, but I’m worried it could be a difficult conversation, and I’d like to make sure we do it in a way that leaves us both feeling good about the outcome. I thought we could do that by setting up some rules to follow so we don’t let things get out of hand. Are you amenable to that?”

If the answer is no, then explore what they’re concerned about or what they would need to make the conversation more palatable and proceed from there. Once you’ve done that, set up some rules together.

Here are some examples of rules you might establish:

1. No personal attacks, labeling, sarcasm, or hurtful comments.
2. No blaming or shaming. We’ll both be responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
3. If either of us feels emotionally overwhelmed or too angry to continue, we can take a break and allow each other to recover. But we vow to continue the conversation when we’re both ready.
4. We can signal that we need a break by raising our hand; the other person must accept that without arguing.

You might come up with other rules or ideas to add, such as when and where you’ll talk or not interrupt each other except to ask questions for clarification, etc.

Add whatever you think will be helpful based on what you know about each other and your previous conversations.

Here’s something that can make things easier.

You Don’t Have to Solve the Issue in One Conversation

If the topic is too volatile, agree to break the discussion into several conversations.

Use the first conversation only to investigate and fully understand each other’s point of view. Don’t try to solve the problem. Don’t even talk about solutions.

Get into the mindset of a curious investigator whose goal is to understand what they’re hearing.

The value of having this kind of conversation first is that it takes the pressure off both of you in several ways:

• You don’t feel pressured to convince each other of the outcomes you want because you’ve removed that from the discussion.
• Knowing that going in will help you both keep your emotions in check.
• You foster mutual understanding and get more insight into what you each need and think about the situation.
• Doing that creates a connection and gets you both on the same side.

After this first conversation, take a break so you can consider what you’ve learned from each other regarding the issue. Now brainstorm possible win-win solutions. A break can be an hour, a day, or several days. When you’re both ready, come back together and problem-solve.

The Biggest Factor

Staying connected to each other as you proceed is the most critical factor in working through a difficult conversation or issue.

It’s the difference between working as a team so you can find solutions or erecting barriers to put you on opposite sides, leading to mutual frustration and a breakdown of the process.

To stay connected, use the empathetic detective approach, which you can read about here if you haven’t already. It is possible to have diametrically opposing points of view yet maintain respect and consideration for each other.

You must take the time to identify and understand the feelings underneath each other’s assertions and ideas.

Sometimes there are hidden background experiences that are influencing the current situation. It’s good to learn about these. Don’t therapize the other person, but be open to hearing how they’ve arrived at their conclusions and what they feel is at stake in the conversation.

You’ve defined that for yourself while prepping ahead, but you need to understand what the other person wants and needs from the conversation as well. When you successfully do that, you have a much greater chance of finding win-win solutions.

The Timing

Timing is a factor you should consider when choosing when to have a difficult discussion. Too often, people start these kinds of conversations late in the evening when it’s time for bed or in the midst of other stressful events, or because they feel pressure to get something off their chest.

None of those are good ideas. Choose a time when you both can be receptive, free to listen attentively, and are not tired or stressed out.

By all means, don’t have these conversations when drinking any alcohol – not even one drink. Alcohol is an emotional lubricant, and your ability to regulate your emotions decreases as a result.

Remember That . . .

Communicating and problem-solving are skills that take lots of practice to hone and perfect. It feels great when things go well, but don’t be discouraged if they don’t. Review conversations that didn’t go as expected or desired, analyze where things went astray, and try again.

The most essential skill to be successful is to listen with your full attention. If you work at that, all your conversations will improve.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara