Blog Short #225: How (and How Not) to Motivate Someone to Change
Do you have someone you’re worried about and want to help change, but you’ve had no success?
For example:
You’re worried about your husband who lives a very sedentary life, is overweight, smokes, and has an unhealthy diet. You’re afraid he could have a heart attack or a stroke.
Another:
Your adult daughter is involved with an emotionally abusive man, but you can’t convince her to leave him.
And one more:
Your son is depressed, works from home, doesn’t socialize with anyone, and procrastinates to the degree that his job’s on the line.
I wrote an article about how to change someone some months ago, giving you some general strategies to try. Today, I have some new ideas to help you leverage your influence even more.
Before we get to that, let’s review this important fact:
You can’t make someone change if they don’t want to. You can only exert influence.
So the question is, “What’s the best way to do that?”
Let’s begin by identifying what doesn’t work, and also how to use the brain’s natural tendencies to help. After that, we’ll move on to the strategies.
Seven Brain-Based Tendencies
1. We resist information that challenges our beliefs.
If you’re like most people, you charge in with a full slate of facts and information when trying to persuade someone. You’re sure that just hearing this will inspire them to change.
Not so. Not at all.
If what you say conflicts with their beliefs, they’ll resist you even more, and their beliefs will strengthen.
So, don’t start with information. You’ll just set up a debate.
2. Emotions are the key.
If you’re listening to a speech and someone drones on with information, your mind strays and you tune them out. But if they tell you a story that makes you feel something, you sit on the edge of your seat waiting to hear more.
Emotions are the doorway to influence. Facts only help once the emotions are engaged.
3. Our brains are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain.
If you approach someone from a negative point of view – maybe you tell them all the things that could go wrong – they’ll push away.
However, if you share something positive that inspires hope and energizes them, they’re more likely to listen.
Our brains are wired to repel bad news. Fear doesn’t necessarily motivate someone to change. More often, it increases resistance.
4. We need to feel that we have control.
If you’re pointing out all the ways someone doesn’t have control, and worse, add a hefty dose of fear to that, you’ll lose them. They’ll dismiss you.
It’s overwhelming and makes them feel more stuck. You have to present things in a way that allows someone to feel they have some control. It has to be their idea. We’ll get to that in the next section.
5. We believe we are the exception to the rule.
If someone smokes, they probably believe they won’t get lung cancer, even though many people do.
We see ourselves as an exception to the rule despite information to the contrary.
6. New information is welcome if it fills a gap in our knowledge.
Just as people need control, they like to have information that fills a gap in their knowledge base.
In other words, if someone is seeking information they need, you can supply it, and it’ll help. Unsolicited information is the problem.
7. Someone’s state of mind impacts what they’ll hear.
Trying to influence someone when they’re stressed or in a bad place emotionally will usually backfire. You have to pick your time.
Now, with all these things in mind, let’s get to some strategies.
The Strategies
Connect First
Before you attempt to influence someone, you’ve got to establish a positive connection with them.
If you’ve already been nagging, repetitively criticizing, or throwing worst-case scenarios at them, you’ve got to start by apologizing.
You might think that’s counterproductive, but it will go a long way toward getting them to listen to you.
Remember that when you criticize someone, their instinct is to resist, even if you intend to help.
You must start by removing the resistance.
You want the other person to feel in control, so your tactic should be to talk up, not talk down.
Investigate
Find out where they’re at.
After you’ve apologized and smoothed things over, open the conversation to learn more about their situation.
Ask them how they’re feeling about where they are. What are their thoughts and concerns about what’s happening?
Focus on their feelings, especially those related to self-esteem, but don’t push.
This conversation should be nonjudgmental. Your role is to ask questions, listen, and provide feedback on what you hear to show that you understand. Be empathetic.
Often, people won’t change because they think they can’t. Or they think it will be too hard, and the pain involved isn’t worth it. Or they’re in denial.
You might find out that they’re feeling horrible about themselves.
By listening without offering advice or telling them what to do, you’ll create a positive connection, and they’ll feel like they have an ally.
You can’t help someone if they don’t feel like you’re on their side.
If they’re in total denial, you can’t change that. However, a few good questions will offset them enough that they may later admit the truth to themselves. Let it be.
Model Behavior and Provide Positive Feedback
Now is your chance to influence the other person by modeling the behavior that would benefit them.
Instead of focusing on them, take some action yourself.
In the case of the sedentary husband, you might ask him to walk with you. It doesn’t have to be a long walk – just a stroll outside for 15 minutes.
Make sure to chat during the walk about things other than his weight or the fact that he’s exercising. Keep it light and fun. When you return, tell him how much you enjoyed walking, chatting with him, and having his company.
You can see how much more encouraging that would be than a 15-minute debate about the necessity of exercise.
Use this modeling approach whenever possible, but consistently frame your feedback in positive terms. Acknowledge even the smallest efforts or changes with encouragement. Here are some examples.
- “You’re looking great! That exercise is doing you well!”
- “Wow! You stood up to your boyfriend the other day. It’s good to see you valuing yourself.”
- “I love that project you finished. You’re talented. You should be proud of your work!”
Don’t directly attack beliefs or avoidances.
If someone’s avoiding something, they usually know it. They might talk themselves around it, but they know it. Your pointing it out won’t help.
So, model the opposite for them. But first, check yourself.
The funny thing about trying to change someone else is that often, you’re doing the same things.
I caught myself doing this the other day when I was upset about my son’s procrastination on a project he’s working on, and I realized I’d been procrastinating for a year on a course I’m creating.
I told him this story, and he had a good chuckle, but we decided to help each other out with weekly accountability phone calls.
When you’re modeling by making changes for yourself, it’s inspiring for the other person. They see you struggling but working on it, which is encouraging.
For beliefs, it’s best not to challenge them unless danger’s involved.
The best approach is to show interest in what they think and why.
I always ask how someone’s reached their conclusions, which forces them to think through their rationale and verbalize it. That alone can stimulate change.
One More Thing
When modeling behavior, don’t expect immediate changes.
Mel Robbins suggests giving it six months. You might not have six months in some cases, but it’s good not to expect someone to make quick changes when struggling with emotional issues and ingrained habits.
Try your best to provide support, but don’t rescue.
Enabling won’t help and might even complicate matters.
Be an ally but not a savior. To achieve real change, we all have to do our own work.
That’s all for today.
Have a great week!
All my best,
Barbara
Suggested Reading:
The Influential Mind by Tali Sharot
The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins