Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by Nelosa, Courtesy of iStock Photos

I like to look forward to things. What about you?

During the week, I look forward to weekends – events I’ve planned like going out to eat, visiting my sisters, or working on a fun project. It’s all so energizing! I also like to set goals and imagine future scenarios.

The point is, I look to the future as a source of pleasure, hope, and happiness. I’m guessing you do that too.

So what about today? Is it something to get through or something you look forward to?

If we want to get philosophical about it, today is what is. The present is where we are. The future resides in our minds, and when we perpetually focus on it, we miss what’s happening right now. Today.

In response, you might say,

Well, that’s the whole point! I don’t love what’s going on right now, so I gain some solace in knowing I have something better to look forward to.

There’s truth in that at times. No doubt.

But, if you aren’t making the most of right now, what does that say for the future? And, let me ask you this:

When you get to that big event in the future, are you satisfied?

You might say yes, but when it’s over, you shift your mind to the next thing you can look forward to. Our whole culture works this way! We go from holiday to holiday, vacation to vacation, event to event!

The future is important, and to ignore it would be disastrous. We do need to keep in mind that our current actions impact our futures, just as we need to learn from our mistakes in the past to avoid repeating them.

But, back to our question, “What about today?”

Bring your focus in on each day.

Here’s what I suggest:

See each day as a single slice of your life with a beginning and endpoint.

You make goals for the future, yes? Make goals for the day. Plan it out, appreciate your time, and make the most of it.

What you plan will be part of a continuum of many days, and it’s good to keep that in mind, but give special attention to this day and focus your attention on it.

Even if things intrude on your plans such as problems that crop up or unexpected interruptions, you have the opportunity to make the most of how you handle these situations and complete your day with a sense of satisfaction.

To get in the right mindset, ask these questions:

1. How aware am I of my daily interaction with my life and myself?
2. Do I have a sense of watching it unfold?
3. Do I take a leadership role to engage in it consciously and with an appreciation for my time?

To effectively make use of each day, it’s helpful to segment your attention and focus. Here are some categories you might use to do that.

Values and Principles

How can you express your values through your behavior throughout this day? What will you do if an interruption comes, a problem crops up, or you have an interaction with someone that upsets you? How will you stay true to yourself and comport yourself according to what you think is right and who you want to be?

Let your values and principles guide your behavior in all circumstances.

Self-Care

What self-care activities are a must, and when can you perform them? Are there regular daily routines you can instill and schedule? These might include morning routines, nightly routines, sleep, diet, exercise, meditation – whatever you do to take care of yourself. Where can you fit them into your day?

Regular self-care increases self-awareness and positively impacts how you feel in the future.

Relationships

What will you do today to make the most of your important relationships? How can you nurture them? Each day you have an opportunity to work on your relationships, but it’s easy to put this on the back burner because everything else demands attention. By keeping a daily focus, it’s easier to prioritize your relationships and give time to them.

Relationships that last and flourish need constant attention and nurturing.

Work

Work can include anything employed to operate your life, do your job, run your household, or participate in projects. Take one day at a time, focus on the tasks you’re doing today with full attention, and do them the best you can. Systematize your activities to take advantage of your time.

Take pride and pleasure in being able to do something with full engagement and fulfillment. Even the most mundane chores can be approached this way and leave you feeling good about your accomplishments.

Stay positive. Resistance and resentment kill your joy. Think of your work’s benefits and service and take pleasure in that. Every kind of work has value.

Make work something you do for yourself as well as for someone else.

Internal Thoughts

What’s the primary color of your thought processes today?

Negative, positive, anxious, uplifting, depressive, irritable, optimistic, pessimistic, compassionate, critical?

We tend to think of our internal state as being determined by our external circumstances. To an extent, that’s true, but to a large extent, it’s not. You always have choices about how you react to outside events and where your mind goes.

It may not always feel that way, but awareness of your mind and thought trains gives you some control. Watch what you’re thinking and feeling.

If you’re a chronic complainer, you’re going to be unhappy. Try focusing on what goes right as much as you can. The more you do that, the better you feel.

Shoot for a 3 to 1 ratio for positive versus negative thoughts.

Accept that some days deviate from your plans.

There are those days when all plans go by the wayside because of unexpected events. On those days, your comportment is more important than completing planned goals.

Make the most of handling the changes and feel good about how you did that. Don’t lament that you didn’t check off your to-do list.

Then there are other days when you feel the need to take a break. These are respite days or “red-light days.” When they occur, give into them and take advantage of them. Let yourself rest. Turn off. Hunker down.

Depending on your situation, you may not be able to take these days often. However, taking even a half-day off, or one day at home while the kids are in school, or several hours off on your own on the weekend, can have the needed effect. You might need to get creative to make it happen but do your best.

Find your quiet spots and solitude so you can recharge.

The present is your future.

Bringing your focus in more toward your daily life will help to ensure that your future is something to look forward to. Living in the future keeps you in a fantasy state, so much so that when you get to those future points, you’re often disappointed in where you are because you forgot that what you do daily determines to a large degree where you will be when you get to the future.

You’ve heard the phrase “Be here now”? That’s the motto to keep in mind.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo byViktorCap, Courtesy of Istock Photo

Anxiety disorders are on the rise. Currently, 18.1% of the adult population in the U.S. are diagnosed with anxiety disorders annually. Based on my own experience, it’s the most prevalent reason people seek therapy next to depression.

If you’ve ever had a panic attack, you know that it’s an awful experience. You feel like you’re going to die. Your heart rate goes up significantly, you can’t catch your breath, you may feel nauseous, or experience cramping and tightening of your muscles. It’s debilitating and frightening.

Today I want to focus on four ideas that might help you if anxiety is something you experience frequently. These ideas are different from the usual strategies (deep breathing, relaxation exercises, CBT, etc.). You can use these in addition to those strategies.

Let’s get to the four ideas.

1. The Hook

Anxiety originates from a combination of your thoughts and emotions. An incident or situation might spark it, but what you think and feel in reaction to the event is what brings on the anxiety. Sometimes you can get anxious just from your thoughts with no outside stimulus.

Regardless of the source, the thoughts leading to the anxiety hook you in. You might think of these as triggers, which they often are. It works like this:

There’s a thought that triggers a feeling that triggers anxiety, and before you realize it, you’re hooked. You fuse with the feeling, and it takes hold of you.

But that’s not the end of it. Being hooked in brings on fear – because anxiety is scary. Not only are you anxious from being triggered, but you’re afraid of the anxiety itself. You can get panicky and might start looking for quick ways to get rid of it.

The problem is that when you attempt to manage the anxiety, you often become more anxious.

If you’ve ever had the experience of feeling short of breath while being anxious and then trying to take deep breaths to manage it, sometimes it works. But sometimes, your breathing gets worse. The anxiety and the fear of becoming anxious (or more anxious) add new prongs to the hook.

“Great. I’m hooked in. So now what?”

2. A Mind Trick: Self versus self

The way to get unhooked is to get out of your head. You have to defuse yourself from the thoughts and feelings that hooked you.

Ask yourself these questions:

“Who’s anxious? Who’s having this experience?”

You might be saying “Duh?? Me, of course!” Head games! Yes, it is you who’s having the experience, but that’s the point. You’re not the same as your experience. You’re the one having the experience, yet you’re separate from it.

When you become fused with the experience, it feels like you are the experience. By reminding yourself that you still have that separation by asking, “Who’s having the anxiety?” you gain a little distance, and maybe a lot, depending on the situation.

That doesn’t mean you stop feeling it, but it does give you an edge. You can feel it with a little less fear.

Let’s keep going.

3. Acceptance

We do two things to try and deal with anxiety:

1. Avoid it
2. Get rid of it

Both of these backfire. When you try to get rid of it by managing it, you might have some temporary success, but it comes back. When you try to avoid it, you have to continually distract yourself so you won’t think and feel what you don’t want to think and feel, and in doing so, you push it under where it gains power.

You either become emotionally distanced from yourself or sit on a pile of emotional dynamite that can erupt with the slightest provocation.

The best course is to accept the feeling – the anxiety itself. It won’t kill you. It doesn’t feel good, and it’s intimidating, but it won’t destroy you. You can handle it. And by sitting with it and letting it run its course, you might learn something.

All pain has lessons if we’re open to them. Instead of trying so hard to figure out why you’re anxious or getting rid of the feeling, see what other thoughts arise. Memories may surface you’d forgotten. If you can, just let it be for a while. It’ll wear off eventually, but take advantage and listen to yourself while you’re there.

Chronic anxiety, especially the kind that seems to come out of nowhere, has deeper roots. However, you – the you that’s watching this whole scenario – can be open to the memories and thoughts that bubble up and help make sense of the anxiety.

That same “you” can also defuse from it.

4. How to Defuse

Defusing yourself from anxiety means unhooking from the thoughts and emotions that hooked you in initially. Here are some exercises you can try.

Give it a voice.

Give the anxiety a voice. If you like being creative or imaginative, name it. I was reading A Liberated Mind by Steven Hayes, and he calls his voice “George,” which made me laugh.

Dr. Hayes was plagued by incapacitating panic attacks early in his career and found that the usual management strategies didn’t work, so he devoted time to research and creating new approaches to deal with the problem, which I’m drawing on today.

But I digress. Naming the voice that’s ruminating and creating anxiety in your head helps you feel that separation between you and your experience. You can look at the thoughts that are hooking you in with some distance and allow yourself to explore them or let them go if you find them to be exaggerated, inaccurate, or counterproductive. You can quiet down that voie.

Write your thoughts on a small piece of paper.

When I read this, I wasn’t all that enamored of the idea, but I tried it. You write out the anxious thoughts, feelings, or situations circling in your mind, and then keep the paper with you. Pull it out and read it every once in a while, and then put it back in its place so you can reread it later. This exercise might seem too simple, but it has an effect!

Get compassionate.

If your anxiety is focused around self-doubt or self-recriminations, try this exercise. Imagine yourself as a child having anxious thoughts. Make this as realistic as you can. Go back to the youngest time you can remember and visualize yourself. Imagine your voice and hear yourself verbalize your anxiety in that voice. How would you soothe that child?

To Sum It Up

Here’s a quick summary of the four ideas:

1. Anxiety is a hook. It grabs you and holds on through fear, thoughts, and emotions.
2. You are not your thoughts and feelings. You are the one experiencing them. By keeping this in mind, you gain some emotional distance so you can pull out those thoughts and evaluate them for accuracy.
3. Accept anxiety when it comes. Trying to get rid of it or avoid it makes it worse. It’s not as scary as it seems. When you look at it and let it ride out, it weakens. And you likely find some of the hidden sources of it.
4. Defuse yourself from it. Use simple exercises to help you defuse from the thoughts and feelings that have hooked you in. Unhook.

There’s much more you can do to work with anxiety. Today’s blog is just a quick guide. I gave you only three defusing exercises. There are more. You can find them by reading A Liberated Mind or click here. It’s an interesting approach and one backed by research.

That’s all for today. Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by andresr, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Imagine you’re playing tennis, and it’s your turn to receive. You’re standing front-court, have your knees slightly bent, and your feet shoulder-width apart. You’re tilted forward, your attention’s focused, and you’re prepared to move quickly in any direction to field the ball when it comes over the net.

Your success depends on three things:

1. Your level of skill
2. Ability to focus
3. Capacity to be flexible in the moment

You need to be able to pivot in a second to handle what comes your way and then respond with deliberate intention and skill.

As anyone who plays sports knows, having this type of focused flexibility, which is psychological in nature, is as important as athletic skill.

This is also true of life.

Psychological flexibility allows you to field what comes your way with focus, emotional equilibrium, and presence.

Today I’m going to define psychological flexibility and give you a description of its main characteristics and benefits.

What is “psychological flexibility”?

Let’s start with a general definition:

Psychological flexibility (PF) is the ability to handle distress coming from thoughts, feelings, or situations by staying present in the moment and responding with actions that are in keeping with your values and long-term vision of your life.

In other words, you don’t suppress distressing emotions or resist them when they arise, but instead, acknowledge them while adapting to the situation at hand and behaving in a way that’s in keeping with your identity and values.

This will become a little clearer as we run through the four main features of PF.

4 Features of Psychological Flexibility

1) You can recognize and adapt to various situational demands.

Suppose there’s a change in plans, or an interruption to your routine, or an unexpected situation. In each case, you recognize that you need to pivot and adapt to the altered circumstances. You have to let go of your resistance to the new demands. There are three parts to this:

1. Letting go of your “shoulds” – thoughts like “Things shouldn’t work this way,” or “I’m the only one who can do this right!” Instead, you can entertain different approaches and move away from a rigid point of view.
2. Adjust your responses to the present situation and the demands in the moment. You can switch gears emotionally and mentally.
3. Remain present while drawing on past experiences or lessons learned, and also keeping the future in mind so that your current actions align with your goals and values. For example, if you’re angry, you can get your head around it and channel it into a constructive response so it won’t come back to bite you later.

2) You can shift mindsets and choose the most effective behaviors.

Not only do you accept and adapt to the new situation, but you also have the presence of mind to choose the best behaviors to approach it. You’re able to:

• Focus your attention and direct your energy effectively, even if you’re stressed.
• Recognize that your approach to a situation or problem might need to change.
• Make use of feedback and perspectives from others.
• Understand that you need to try different strategies if you want different results.
• Shift perspectives.

Here’s an example:

You get in your car to go home from work, and it won’t start. You feel a mixture of anxiety and anger and begin venting to yourself about how things always happen at the worst time.

If you’re being psychologically flexible, you’ll be able to take a few deep breaths, recognize that your reaction is normal, and shift into a problem-solving mode. You’ll begin reviewing alternative steps to get your car repaired and get yourself home. You’ll choose the best route available and take action.

With a flexible approach, you solve your problem and feel good about your ability to channel your stress into handling the situation well. Best of all, your actions mirror how you see yourself. You get an added boost in self-confidence.

3) You maintain balance among important life domains.

You’re aware of balancing your different life domains – work, family, leisure, and relationships. PF allows you to do this well because you can keep in mind what’s most important to you while shifting and focusing your attention on different domains as needed. You field daily demands while protecting what’s near and dear to you.

Instead of seeing stressful situations in isolation and reacting to them negatively, you take them in stride. You see them as part of your personal development and journey toward your goals. They provide insights, learning opportunities, and experience. You can weather failures and view them as steps along your life trajectory.

4) You’re aware, open, and committed to behaviors that reflect your deeply held values.

This is a significant aspect of psychological flexibility. It’s a foundational part. As you field the various events, situations, and interactions with your environment, you’re true to your most importantly held meanings and values. You stay true to who you are and your behavior reflects that. You’re self-aware.

You’re also open to new and novel approaches to achieving your goals and life commitments. You’re curious and receptive to other possible routes to achieve what you want in life.

If you applied for a job but didn’t get it, you might see that as an opportunity to try something different – maybe an alternate job or start a business.

Not sure how flexible you are?

Ask yourself these questions:

• Are you adaptable in the face of stress or change?
• Can you switch gears and shift emotionally when a situation upsets your plans or is out of the ordinary?
• How long do you resist before working on a solution?
• Do you think outside the box to try a different approach when the usual one doesn’t work?
• Can you allow other people to do things differently than you do?
• Can you take in and consider feedback, advice, or additional information when given?
• Do you see current stressful situations as opportunities to learn, try something different, and help you toward your goals?
• Most importantly, do you allow yourself to feel negative emotions when they arise?

Answering these questions will give you a pretty good feel for how psychologically flexible you are. If you’re not sure, ask someone who knows you well.

Next week, we’ll talk about how to diffuse negative emotions.

That’s good for today. Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

PS: Suggested reading: A Liberated Mind by Steven C. Hayes

_FOOTNOTES

_{Ciarrochi, J., Bilich, L., & Godsel, C. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a mechanism of change in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. In Ruth Baer’s (Ed), Assessing Mindfulness and Acceptance: Illuminating the Processes of Change (pp. 51-76). New Harbinger Publications, Inc.}

_{Hayes, S. C. A (2019). A Liberated Mind. Avery.}

_{Harris, R. (2019). ACT made simple: An easy-to-read primer on acceptance and commitment therapy. New Harbinger Publications.}

_{Kashdan, T. B. (2010, November 1). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865-878. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.001}

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by knape, Courtesy iStock Photo

Time is a limited resource. We can’t get back what we’ve used up.

This is nothing you don’t already know, but how much do you consider it in your daily life?

I read a book some years ago called Mentored by a Millionaire by Steven K. Scott. It was a great book with tons of good info, but one paragraph really got my attention. He said:

The average adult in America only lives for 3,950 weeks. If you’re 30 years old, you’ve already used 1,560 of those weeks. If you’re 40, you’ve used 2,080, and if you are 51, you may only have 1,300 weeks left.

He’s basing his numbers on living about 76 years, and many of us live longer. However, those numbers slapped me out of my complacency when I looked at this way. I decided to do something to make sure I wouldn’t look back on my life someday and regret time frittered away.

After some research and trial and error, I settled on two habits that work splendidly as long as you stick with them. I want to share them with you today.

The two habits are:

1. Heavy scheduling
2. Regular tracking

These aren’t new to you, but they won’t help you if you don’t create a system to use them automatically and effectively. Let’s start with why these habits are necessary if you want to stay on top of how you manage your time.

The Time Fallacy

Human beings are habitual impressionists. We have ideas about how things are, often without checking to see how accurate our conclusions match the reality. We estimate, guesstimate, fantasize this or that, and then take it for fact.

This is particularly true of our concepts about time. How often do you say to yourself,

“I don’t have enough time!”

You have a general impression, but impressions are fraught with inaccuracy. It may be absolutely true that you have too much on your plate. I don’t question that part, but it’s likely also true that you don’t know exactly where your time goes.

The Value of Tracking

Awareness is everything when it comes to making use of your time.

Tracking is the key to developing and sustaining that awareness. Without tracking, you guess, which is highly subjective!

Here are some good examples of what tracking can tell you:

Money. If you track your income and spending over three months, you’ll know your financial status in detail. You’ll get an accurate picture of your spending habits, income, debt, and interest paid on that debt. You’ll have the information you need to take control of your finances.

Food. If you write down everything you eat for a week, including quantities and calories, you’ll have an accurate picture of your diet. You’ll know if you need to make changes to improve your health or lose weight, and you’ll see where the problem lies so you can fix it.

Social media. If you track every minute you spend on social media for one week – whether you’re just browsing, checking in, or posting – you’ll find out the quantity of time you waste that could be spent somewhere more purposeful.

When you get the hang of tracking, you can use it for any activity – work tasks, sleep, spending time with family, entertainment, or for whatever you want to know more about.

When you don’t track, you likely:

• Waste time.
• Don’t spend enough time on things that are important to you.
• Feel more anxious because you think you don’t have enough time.
• Get stressed because you feel time slipping away without accomplishing your goals.

So how do I track my time?

There’s only one way, and that’s by writing down how you spend it. And that means posting it somewhere, preferably on a calendar.

Here’s what I suggest:

For one week, post on your calendar how you use your time. You can use 15-minute increments or more if you like, but you want to be accurate and specific. If you hate using a calendar, you can use a small notebook or an app on your phone. Just make sure you keep it handy.

Get as specific as you need to get the information you seek. It helps to label activities in categories like work, sleep, eating, meal prep, laundry, watching TV, chatting with your kids or partner, running errands, etc.

At the end of a whole week, add everything up.

If you’re up for it, repeat it for another three weeks. A month is better because it will capture unexpected things that pop up.

Now for Scheduling

Once you know how you spend your time, you’ll see what you want to change. It’s always eye-opening and rewarding to track something because you learn what’s real, which gives you some control and leverage on how to make improvements.

After you complete your tracking exercise, the next step is to schedule activities thoughtfully and visually. The most effective way to do this is to schedule every activity on your calendar for the week ahead. I’m a screen person, so I use my Google calendar, which syncs across all my devices. My husband uses a wall calendar and datebook. Choose the method that works best for you.

Use these guidelines to schedule:

• Schedule from the moment you get up to the moment you turn out the lights to go to sleep.
• Schedule all your activities in reasonable blocks, but with as much specificity as you need in order to know precisely what you’ll be doing. For example, if you’re doing a work block, you might list the activities out in that space. But if you have the same morning routine every weekday, simply write “morning routine” in that time block.
• Leave small windows of time open between some of your activities for transition time or for things that pop up. This is your pad time.
• Schedule downtime! This is important. If you don’t schedule it, you’ll keep trying to find it all day and likely fritter away time in wasteful ways, like scrolling through social media or sitting in front of the tube. But, if you want to watch some TV or browse social media, schedule it! Be deliberate.
• Schedule sleep time – at least 7 to 7½ hours and preferably 8.
• Don’t make it too fancy. I color code mine in three categories – work, home, appointments/errands. That’s fancy enough. If you get super elaborate, you won’t stick with it.

Last Step

After you’ve tracked and scheduled for a month, take an hour or two and review what you’ve learned and changed. How did it work out? Are you using your time better and, are you satisfied with what you’ve accomplished? Do you need to say “no” more? What do you need to tweak?

Watching your time provides the means to make sure you’re spending it on what’s important to you. It adds up over the years.

Give it a try, and let me know how it works out. I’m accumulating stories for a book and would like to hear yours.

That’s all for today!

I’ll be back to you next Monday. Have a great week!!!!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by baona, Courtesy of iStock Photo

When you first get into a relationship, you notice everything that’s right. You see all the things you have in common. There’s lots to talk about. You love spending time together. Each other’s little quirks are endearing. You’re in love!

After being together for a year or more (although sometimes sooner), you become aware of differences. You notice personality traits and habits that bother you. They might even be things you were initially attracted to, but living with them is taxing.

If both of you are mature, self-aware, and adept at talking things through, you might easily weather these differences as they arise.

More likely, you aren’t good at that yet. And truth is, every relationship starts with an initial period of being in what’s called the “love bubble” followed by deflation or, in some cases, a bubble burst. This is when the real work of the relationship begins.

Today we’re going to talk about how to address those nagging differences. And by the way, you can use this information even if you’ve been with your partner a long time. You can also apply it to other close relationships such as parent and child, siblings, or family and friends.

Two Types of Differences

These are broad categories, but they help you get clear on what things are workable and what things aren’t.

Let’s start with what’s not. This group is called the “deal-breakers.” These are the things that aren’t negotiable. They’re behaviors or actions you cannot and will not accept.

The second category is “style differences.” They include temperament tendencies, idiosyncrasies, and habits. The term “style” used here makes it easier to see these differences with some emotional distance so you can think about them objectively.

Let’s go through some examples of each.

Deal-Breakers

The most common ones are:

• Infidelity
• Repetitive lying and dishonesty
• Physical or emotional abuse
• Substance abuse
• Opposing political affiliations
• Destructive spending habits
• Control and dominance

I’m sure you can think of more, and some of these may not be on your list. People are always curious about “political affiliation,” but for many people, this is non-negotiable.

Style Differences

These are things like:

• Money habits and philosophies on spending
• Accumulation of stuff, i.e., pack-rats versus minimalists
• Organization, cleaning, and housekeeping habits
• Sleeping needs
• Eating schedules
• Selection of TV shows, types of music, and other media
• Entertainment choices
• Socializing (introverts versus extraverts)
• Communication styles
• Love languages

Again, these are just some of the possibilities.

How to Make Use of This

If you’ve been with your partner a long time and think you have a handle on all these issues, you don’t need to read on. But I’ll bet that even if you’ve been together a long time, there are still style differences that bother you that you haven’t found a way to resolve.

Try these steps to work them out.

#1 Make two lists for your deal-breakers and style differences.

It helps to clarify exactly what you have issues with, especially those things that could lead to the destruction of the relationship. Note: It’s best if both you and your partner do this exercise simultaneously.

#2 Spell out the specific behaviors involved with each item.

Make a list with two columns: one that lists your styles and next to each one, your partner’s style. These can be similar or different styles. It’s good to get them all down. Your partner will make these same two lists. Do this part of the exercise separately first.

Examples might be you like the dishes done right after dinner, and your husband is okay with waiting until the following day to do them. You like the TV off, or much lower in volume on weekend afternoons, and your husband wants to watch movies all day with more volume. A similar style might be that you both are morning people and like to get up early and get going.

Get specific. Use a journal and keep it handy to jot things down as you think of them.

#3 Now, prioritize each item in these categories:

Differences that:

1. Enhance or are compatible with yours.
2. Bother you a lot and create discord with your partner.
3. Are bothersome, but you can deal with.

When you get through this exercise, you should have better clarity about what’s working, what’s not, and what you think needs some change.

You hopefully also have been able to think about how some of your differences complement each other. If not, go back over your two lists and make an effort to identify and write those down. They’re important.

Next Step

The obvious next step is to share your lists with your partner and vice versa. You could do this in two ways:

1. Give each other your lists to look over for a few days or maybe even a week before discussing them, or
2. Share them and discuss them at the same time.

It’s good to make some rules for the discussion.

Keep in mind that the first step is to understand how you see each other and understand each other’s style differences without judgment.

Don’t go into this discussion with an accusatory tone or a sense of exasperation.

Allow each other to explain your styles and what’s behind them. For example, why does someone save everything? Or why does it matter if the dishes are done at night? In other words, what’s important to each of you.

It’s highly beneficial to be heard and understood, even if you disagree.

Once you have your rules in place, then go through these three exercises.

#1 Go over your deal-breaker lists first.

If you find you don’t agree on something, you can talk it out, but you should seek counseling to work on this if it’s contentious. Disagreement on deal-breakers is a serious problem and shouldn’t go by the wayside.

#2 Go over your style differences and negotiate compromises.

Compromises should be win-win, not win-lose. How can you both be comfortable and feel good with whatever you decide? If you spend enough time upfront trying to understand each other and learn more about what each of you needs, then you’ll be more inclined to work things out for mutual satisfaction. It’s easier to alter your behavior when you know how it impacts your partner. Understanding creates greater tolerance and appreciation of differences.

#3 Identify the ways your differences can be complementary.

Usually, couples have a lot of similarities, and research has shown that those that do have more similarities get along better. However, some differences are very beneficial.

Suppose one of you is more oriented to problem-solving, management, and organization, and the other is more oriented toward creativity, spontaneity, and idea generation. In that case, these two orientations can work together well to open and run a business, plan an event, hold different types of jobs, and run a household.

It’s best to use the differences to complement each other rather than as a source of contention.

One Last Note

Style differences are not the same as value differences. Values are the set of principles and beliefs you live by. Styles are your personality leanings and natural temperament characteristics.

Successful couples usually hold similar values. There may be some differentiation, but overall they’re close, especially those that determine how you see the world and what principles you expect to flow through your relationship. Values underlie your deal-breakers.

If you can agree on deal-breakers and you hold similar principles and values, style differences can be worked out and can enrich the relationship.

That’s all for today. Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by IPGGutenbergUKLtd, Courtesy of iStock Photo

So what’s the first thing you think of when you read that title?

Mine would be “practice.” If you want to get better at anything, you have to practice.

(If that wasn’t yours, shoot me an email and tell me what it was. I’m curious!)

Certainly, other things would help, but “practice” has to be a significant component. And not just any practice, but something called “deliberate practice.”

I’ll give you a quick overview of what that is, and then lay out the five steps to use it.

What exactly is “deliberate practice?”

If you do something over and over to get better at it, isn’t that deliberate practice?

Yes and no. Repetition is essential, but there’s more to it than that.

Deliberate practice requires three additional elements along with repetition.

1. Conscious focus. You have to engage your mind in the process with intensive focus. For example, you can repeat an action mindlessly, like lifting weights while watching TV. But it’s better if you turn the TV off and focus diligently on the muscles you’re using, the effort you expend with each lift, and maintaining the correct form.
2. Consistent attempts to improve. Along with focus, you must keep trying to get better with each repetition, tweaking your practice as you go.
3. Evaluation and feedback to monitor your progress. You need to establish a system to evaluate and get feedback on your performance in order to see where and how you need to improve. This may include having a teacher, mentor, or coach who can assist you.

Now let’s apply this to a real skill and go through the steps.

5 Steps to Improving a Skill

Step #1: Choose the skill you want to improve.

Suppose you decide that you want to become a highly-skilled communicator. That’s your goal.

Your first step is to identify the skills you need to get there. Then you choose one and practice it until you’ve reached a high level of competence, after which you can tackle your next one. Your practice aims to build skills, not focus directly on the goal.

Sticking with our example, let’s go through all five steps.

The goal is to become a good communicator. The skill we’re going to focus on is “listening.”

I chose that one because it’s a single, concrete skill you can break down and measure in specific actions. You’ll see what I mean as we go through the steps.

Step #2: Do your research.

What exactly does good listening entail? What are the mechanics of it?

Be thorough in your research and get the best information you can from sources that are valid. Start with reading up on it or interviewing someone who has the skills and know-how you need. You could also ask people close to you what they look for when they want someone to listen to them, as well as ask yourself the same question.

Write all these requirements down with as much specificity as you can. Spell out the exact behaviors you want to get good at.

Examples might be:

• Face the person, make eye contact, sit or stand in a relaxed manner, keep your facial expression open and receptive.
• Allow enough personal space.
• Put all digital devices away and silence them.
• Invite the person to talk and remain quiet and attentive until they come to a break in the conversation or ask for feedback.
• Ask questions to clarify, and repeat back what you hear to make sure you understand.
• Empathize by verbalizing how you think the person is feeling.

Once you have everything written, you can use it as a checklist to monitor your progress.

Step #3: Set up a system of practice.

How will you go about practicing these behaviors to increase your skill with each one?

First, choose someone to practice with – maybe someone you’re close to, like a partner or friend. You might decide to practice with everyone, but to get feedback, start with someone you know well so they can help you evaluate your performance.

Secondly, set a schedule. It’s harder to be exact with a skill like listening, but you can set a goal to practice at least once or twice a day with a specific person. Make your practice plan as detailed as you can and either get it on a to-do list or on your calendar.

Step #4: Evaluate and track your progress.

The fourth step is to evaluate your progress and tweak your activity to make improvements.

Schedule your evaluation activities right in with your practice sessions. I would do this in two parts:

1. Do a quick evaluation directly after each practice session.
2. Do a weekly review that’s more thoughtful and thorough once a week.

Using our listening example, you could jot down notes right after a listening episode and do your more formalized review of all your notes once a week.

During your weekly review, measure your progress against that checklist you created and set up revised strategies to make improvements.

Step #5: Feedback and Accountability

A big part of the evaluation process is getting feedback. You could get direct feedback from the person or people you’ve practiced listening with and ask them specific questions related to all the behaviors listed on your checklist. For example:

• Did my body language come across well?
• What specifically did you like or not like?
• Did you feel heard? What could I do to make you feel even more heard?
• Did you think I understood your feelings? Did I empathize well enough?
• Were you comfortable?
• Did I give you time enough to say what you wanted to say?
• What could I improve upon or change next time?

You could also consult someone who’s an expert in the area of communication such as a counselor or therapist, or you could continue using new communication strategies you’ve found in your research and try them out.

Whatever you choose, it’s good to set up accountability for yourself. You could either check in regularly with someone you’ve selected to help or, if you’re relatively self-disciplined, show up consistently with your weekly reviews and monitor your next steps toward your overall goal.

I do both. I conduct a weekly review with myself every Saturday morning for my writing, and I read my blog to my husband each week to get his feedback before making final edits. I’ve also promised publicly to publish a blog every week. All those things keep me accountable and focused on improving.

How You Can Learn More

Deliberate practice as a method for excelling at something came about in part from refuting Malcolm Gladwell’s popularized idea that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to master a skill and achieve a high level of excellence. (See Outliers.)

The originator of the deliberate practice concept, Anders Ericsson, agreed that repetition was necessary, but he added in those three modifiers – consistent focus, intensive systematic effort to improve, and qualified feedback.

If you’re interested in reading more about deliberate practice and how it works, here are several books I’d recommend:

Peak by Anders Ericsson
Deep Work by Cal Newport
The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle
The Practicing Mind by Thomas M. Sterner

You might also like to hear Malcolm Gladwell’s explanation of his ideas on this Youtube video.

That’s all for today. Until next Monday, have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by Doucefleur, Courtesy of iStock Photo

I’m guessing you’ve had the experience of being in your head too much.

I don’t know anyone who hasn’t had that experience. It’s annoying when you catch yourself doing it, but worse, it colors your world and emotional life. Not in a good way.

The broader term for this habit is “rumination.” It means:

Persistent thinking about something, most often in the past, although it can be something current, that has a negative focus and is emotionally stressful.

We rarely ruminate about something good.

“Overthinking” is a particular type of rumination focused on analyzing something to death and feeling paralyzed to take action.

Both are involuntary. You’re doing something like washing the dishes, and before you realize it, you’re immersed in thinking about a conversation you had with a co-worker earlier in the week, and you’re going over and over what you said and how you came off and making all sorts of assumptions – mostly negative – about what they thought about you.

Or maybe you’re ruminating about how one of your friends mistreated you or the person you spoke with on the phone was rude. You create fantasies in your head about what you could have said or done, and make up conversations and rehearse them.

You know what I’m talking about. We all do this, and some of us do it a lot!

Why?

There are many reasons, but they mostly fall into these categories.

1. Anxiety about how you’re perceived or over a decision you made.
2. Insecurity, feeling inferior, feeling judged.
3. The “shoulds.” Anguish about things not going the way you think they should.
4. Regret. Wishing you could do something over.
5. Trauma and bad memories.

The biggest hurdle in getting ruminating under control is that it’s your mind’s default when you’re not using it in a conscious and deliberate way. It sneaks under your attention radar and happens before you notice you’ve fallen in.

Think of it this way:

Your mind is always active unless you’re in a deep sleep. You either take charge of it, or it runs automatically – like a car motor.

When you’re driving, you control where the car goes. When it’s idling with no brake on and no one at the wheel, the car rolls in whatever direction is easiest, likely where the road slants down.

If you’re not aware and in control of what your mind is doing, i.e., what thoughts you’re entertaining, it reverts to the default position and rolls on in a steady stream. And, the default is negative more than positive.

Negative memories stick.

Negative memories and experiences are memorable because of their emotional impact.

Your brain has a cataloging process to store them. Unfortunately, it doesn’t store them verbatim. When you have an experience, your brain makes sure that the memory you form fits in with your beliefs, values, and previous memories, so it all makes for a nice compact narrative.

Our memories are highly subjective, and as time goes on, they get altered more to fit in with new experiences and changing beliefs.

So when you ruminate, what you remember is significantly influenced by the emotional effect it had on you and how it fits in with your current belief system.

Great, so what do I do?

1) Catch yourself in the act.

The first thing is to make it a habit to catch yourself doing it. You can be off in some rumination for an hour (or more) before you recognize you’re in it. But with practice watching for it, you get quicker at catching it.

2) Divert your attention.

If you’re overthinking something and feel stuck on it, do something physical. Go for a walk outside, or if you like more strenuous exercise like lifting weights, running, or hopping on a treadmill, do that. Or you could do something calming like Yoga. If formal exercise is not your thing, then get out in the yard and garden or mow the lawn. You can also choose other activities like cleaning out a closet, washing the car, cooking, or whatever makes you feel better.

3) Question the validity of your thoughts.

Most ruminations are heavily biased, emotional, and exaggerated. Question your thoughts. What’s actually true? What’s the intent of your thought train? Are you just angry, hurt, afraid, anxious? Based on what you figure out, decide if you need to take some action to resolve a problem. Or maybe let something go or correct your thinking.

4) Write it out.

Writing it out can help you get it out of your head and gain a little distance. Seeing it on paper can clear things up and help you make decisions about what you need to do.

5) Replace it with a positive solution or new thought.

Ruminations create mind ruts because you replay them over and over.

Think of these mind ruts as grooves in your brain that allow the same thoughts to flow more easily as the tracks get deeper, like water floating through a deep channel.

You can cut those channels off by creating alternative positive mind ruts. Focus on replacing your negative ruminations with positive solutions and corrected thoughts.

The antidote to ruminating and overthinking is taking action. Rumination holds you hostage.

Do these four things:

1. Analyze your thought for validity.
2. Create a corrected thought pattern.
3. Take action to put it in motion, e.g., make notes to yourself, make reparations if someone else is involved, or create a formal mantra or new phrase and post it where you’ll see it.
4. Repeat it.

The Yardstick

A question I never thought to ask myself about my ruminations is, “Are they kind?” I ran across this idea when I read Soundtracks by Jon Acuff. It’s a book about overthinking, and if it’s something that you do a lot, read this book. It’s extremely helpful.

The question “Is it kind?” is a perfect way to interrupt the power of a repetitive rumination because almost always, they’re not kind to either you or someone else. They’re generally attacking. You’re either berating yourself about what you did or who you are – or aren’t – or you’re attacking someone else for what they did to you.

Ruminations are often built on a foundation of blame.

When you use kindness as a yardstick to measure the value of a rumination, you drop it fast. And that free’s you up to let it go, or take action, or repair something that needs to be fixed. It also quiets that nagging, critical voice in your head.

Last Word

If you haven’t already figured it out from previous blogs, I’m big on meditation. And that’s because I’ve done it regularly for many years and know how valuable it is.

It’s especially effective for regulating emotions and learning to let things go that get in the way.

Daily practice automatically creates space in your mind between your experiences and your reactions to them, especially emotionally packed ones. It also greatly increases your attention muscle.

Those two things together give you significant control over your mind. I don’t know of any other practice that accomplishes that as well.

If you want to give it a try, click here for instructions for an easy type of meditation.

That’s it for today. Have a great week as always!!!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by gremlin, Courtesy of iStockPhoto

Let’s start today with a quote I recently ran across while reading Focus by Daniel Goleman. It comes from Richard Boyatzis, a distinguished psychologist at Case Western Reserve University. He says:

You need the negative focus to survive, but a positive one to thrive. You need both, but in the right ratio.

I love this quote because it’s realistic. When you have a positive outlook, you can see possibilities and opportunities for growth, and you pursue them. Yet, you still keep an eye on obstacles as they arise and attend to them, so they don’t sabotage you.

Today we’re going to delve into what it means to have a positive approach and how negative thoughts and events fit in.

Let’s start with an overview.

What is the “Positive Approach?”

In general, the positive approach is seeing life as a process of personal development that includes:

1. Self-actualization
2. Focus on well-being
3. Emphasis on strengths
4. Making enduring connections

Martin Seligman defines it in terms of the five tenets of Positive Psychology known as PERMA. Let’s go through them.

1) Positive Emotions

Positive emotions are sticky, expansive, and energizing.

Based on research, it’s been found that positive-leaning people can sustain positive feelings longer than someone who’s depressed. We know this because of what happens in the brain when you’re in a good mood. The left side of the prefrontal cortex, which is the side of the brain associated with positive emotions, is activated and remains active.

When you consistently feel and express positive emotions, your outlook tends to remain that way which affects both your perceptions and activity level.

There’s more. When you’re feeling upbeat, the left prefrontal cortex sends messages to an area in the mid-brain called the nucleus accumbens. This part of the brain is associated with motivation and reward due to its richness in dopamine.

Dopamine is the neurotransmitter associated with reward, motivation, attention, and pleasure. So when you think positively, dopamine is released, and you have an easier time striving toward goals and maintaining your attention to them.

Your brain also releases its own opiates during this process, which adds to the feelings of reward. The dopamine fuels drive and persistence, while the opiates add feelings of pleasure.

As long as you stay positive, these brain circuits stay active and help you sustain your efforts despite obstacles or setbacks. Positive emotions also keep you energized. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle.

2) Engagement

Because positive emotions keep your juices running, they help you stay engaged in purposeful activity for more extended periods.

Persistent negative emotions and a pessimistic outlook de-energize you and close you down.

That’s because your emotional energy is tied up. Emotions supply the drive to do something, so when your emotional energy is soaked up with pessimistic thoughts, you don’t have the drive to pursue anything. You feel deflated.

Positive emotions do the opposite. They activate, invigorate, and release your energy to pursue what you want to do.

You can do it with greater depth and focus and get in a state of what’s called “flow.” When you’re in “flow,” you feel completely absorbed in what you’re doing so that the sense of effort disappears. This happens when you’re laser-focused on something, and the work almost seems to happen without your input. You feel calm while being highly active. It makes work pleasurable and heightens creativity.

3) Connection

Engaging in healthy connections with others is the third aspect of the positive approach.

We’re wired to connect, and being involved in satisfying relationships allows us to experience love, feel seen, be understood, and thrive.

The positive approach fosters kindness, genuine emotions, and social intelligence. When you get into good relationships, you increase your awareness of both your and others’ motives and feelings. You have greater empathy and compassion.

Chronic negativity creates a sense of isolation, even if you regularly commiserate with others who are negative. The outlook is one of doom and is destructive to close ties.

4) Meaning

The question “Why am I here?” is at the heart of the next aspect of the positive approach. You’re focused on finding meaning and purpose you can wrap your mind and heart around to guide your goals, activities, and pursuits. You explore with hope and faith, and you’re receptive to answers when they come.

True joy comes from engaging your whole self in something bigger than you. It’s an anchor for your life’s work.

5) Achievement

This last aspect of the positive approach is putting your purpose into motion. You use your signature strengths and virtues (Seligman) to engage in activities that fulfill your purpose and provide meaning. You actualize your purpose through your accomplishments and achievements.

How does negativity fit in?

The positive approach does not include ignoring or excluding negative emotions.

Sounding an alert.

As noted in the quote at the beginning of this article, “You need the negative focus to survive.”

What that means is that you need to see what is. If you smell smoke coming from the kitchen when you’re in the back of the house, you don’t ignore it. You rush out to the kitchen to take the smoking pot off the burner before a fire starts.

Negative feelings can act the same way. They send off alarms that there’s a problem you need to attend to, and if you don’t, there are consequences to pay. We need those alarms.

Alarms can come in many forms. Sometimes they’re wake-up calls like when the boss calls you in for a meeting to discuss being late too often, or you get the cold shoulder from a friend you’ve blown off too many times. Or maybe your doctor informs you that your blood sugar is climbing because you’re eating too much junk food.

When you have negative experiences or feelings like these, pay attention. They’re alerts you need to heed.

Negative emotions are necessary and normal.

There are many instances in life that bring on negative emotions or reactions:

A loss of someone you love, severe financial stress, being laid off from your job, receiving a dressing down by your boss in front of other staff, finding out your car repair is going to cost $2000 . . .

All of these naturally bring on a period of distress, sadness, anxiety, or all of these.

It’s not good to suppress negative emotions that arise due to circumstances, even those from previous trauma. When using the positive approach, you allow the emotions to arise, feel them, and when enough time has passed, take steps to gain insights from your experience or learn something you can use.

Feeling negative emotions and having a negative approach are not the same.

Feeling negative emotions is not a problem. Hanging on to them longer than needed and feeding them is a problem.

People who have a negative approach jump first to the most negative interpretation of any situation. They move from one negative thought to another and, when presented with a positive solution, find reasons why it can’t work. As Goleman says,

“It’s not just a focus on the could, but the conviction that there are even darker ones lurking behind.”

Final Thoughts

If you aren’t naturally optimistic, you can make a shift with practice. It’s okay to keep a healthy skepticism when taking in information.

Being positive doesn’t mean being blind or having only positive thoughts.

The goal is to keep a positive attitude, even in the face of negative circumstances, while addressing obstacles that get in the way.

That’s all for today. Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

_{Davidson, R. J. & Begley, S. (2012) The emotional life of your brain. Hudson Street Press.}

_{Fowler J.H. & Christakis, N. A. (2008) Dynamic spread of happiness in a large social network: Longitudinal analysis over 20 years in the Framingham Heart Study. BMJ, 337:a2338. doi:10.1136/bmj.a2338}

_{Goleman, D. (2013). Focus: The hidden driver of excellence. Harper.}

_{Lee M-A & Kawachi I. (2019). The keys to happiness: Associations between personal values regarding core life domains and happiness in South Korea. PLoS ONE, 14(1):e0209821. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0209821}

_{Scorsolini-Comin, F., Fontaine, A. M., Koller, S. H., & Santos, M. (2012). From happiness to well-being: The flourishing of positive psychology. Psciologia: Reflexaso e Critica, 26(4), 663-670. doi:10.1590/S0102-79722013000400006}

_{Seligman, M. (2002). Authentic happiness. Free Press.}

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by KatarzynaBialasiewicz, Courtesy of iStock Photo,

Wouldn’t it be great to not care about what other people think? It would be easier, that’s for sure. But then, that’s unrealistic.

Even if you think you don’t care, sometimes you do, and sometimes you need to.

So which is which? When does it matter, and when does it not, and how do you stop yourself from caring when it doesn’t?

That’s what we’re going to tackle today. Let’s start with when you need to care.

When You Need to Care

1) Work and Other Contractual Agreements

When you sign on for a job or promise something to someone, you’ve agreed to perform at a certain level and follow specific rules of behavior. In those cases, you have to care what’s thought of you to the extent that you meet the expectations you’ve agreed to.

We all generally want to be thought well of by our boss, customers, or whomever we answer to in work situations. Conscience also usually dictates our caring about holding up our part of the bargain or agreement with anyone to whom we’ve promised something.

2) Situations That Reflect Your Conscience or Values

This one goes a little deeper. It’s not so much about holding up your end of a bargain. The question is:

“Am I doing the right thing? Am I causing someone harm or pain?”

You care about how your actions will impact someone else. You also care about how they see and feel about you and your behavior. The more intimate you are with someone, the more you care about what they think of you.

When You Don’t Need to Care

You don’t need to care or put any energy into situations where someone is:

1. Projecting their bad feelings onto you and accusing you of behaviors that belong to them. The caveat is that if this is someone you’re close to, you may need to work it out, but it isn’t a true reflection of you.
2. The purpose of the judgment is to bully, antagonize, provoke, humiliate, or just be mean. In these cases, set boundaries or ignore the source.

How do you get the right balance?

It’s not always cut and dried or clear when you need to care and when not. Partly this has to do with your own insecurities and partly because of the confusing nature of relationships in general.

Here are a few ideas to help you decide.

1) Watch out for “conditions of worth” you’ve internalized and chained yourself to.

If you don’t know about “conditions of worth,” read last week’s blog to help make sense of this one.

Briefly, your conditions of worth are created as you grow up by parents, teachers, coaches, your community, and society. As you move into adulthood, you internalize these conditions as your own and use them as yardsticks to determine your acceptability and worth.

When dealing with other people, you assume they use these same yardsticks, and you worry about whether you’re living up to them. Often, what you assume has nothing to do with what others actually perceive.

This is an internal problem you have to work through.

2) Don’t assume people are thinking so much about you.

Truth is, people think more about themselves than anyone or anything else.

In his book Focus, Daniel Goleman spells this out succinctly when he poses the question:

“Where do our thoughts wander when we’re not thinking of anything in particular?”

His answer is:

“Most often, they are all about me. . . ‘Me” reflects the activity of the default zone. . . Mind wandering tends to center on our self and our preoccupations.”

So relax. Everyone’s not thinking about or judging you.

3) Have a sense of humor.

Sometimes you screw up, embarrass yourself, or say the wrong thing. It happens to all of us. Learn to have some humor in those moments and laugh along with yourself. Be humble, join the human race, and lighten up a bit.

4) Avoid being judgmental.

Clean out your own closet and leave others to clean our theirs. If you consistently focus on other peoples’ stuff and send a lot of negative judgment their way, you’re opening the door to receive the same back.

5) Focus on being your authentic self.

Work on being more of who you are. Hone your values, formulate your opinions, expand your talents, pursue your interests, and connect with people that appreciate and like you.

The more authentic you are, the more comfortable you are with yourself, and the more other people are comfortable with you. Also, the less concerned you are with what other people think about you.

6) Consider the source.

Consider feedback from people you care about and whose input you value. Avoid considering input from people who simply want to fight, one-up, troll, and create discord.

7) Develop more compassion.

This includes compassion for yourself. Everyone’s in different stages of development. No one is intrinsically better than anyone else, but it is helpful to understand that we all develop at our own pace. We each have our histories, narratives, and experiences that shape where we are. When you see it this way, it helps to suspend judgment. You feel more compassionate for the difficulty in being human and appreciate the privilege we all have to live it.

Sometimes when I’m out in public and people-watching, I wonder what’s going on in someone’s life as I look at their face. What burdens do they carry? What’s their life like? What have they experienced?

When you open up that way, it’s easier to suspend judgment of everyone, including yourself. You become more forgiving and inclusive.

8) Engage in something meaningful, and that gives you purpose.

Part of being your authentic self is to express the gifts you have by engaging in purposeful activity. Put your energy into focusing on your unique talents and expressing them through your work and interactions. Create meaning through your ideas, beliefs, and values. When you have a purpose, you spend less time worrying about what other people think and more time contributing.

9) Own your worth.

All of the above feed into this one.

If you work at expressing your authentic self, question and revise your conditions of worth, set boundaries on toxic input, avoid being judgmental, develop a sense of humor that comes with humility, and find your purpose, then you’ll feel your worth.

You’ll live it while navigating through many successes and failures and new insights. You’ll care what people you care about think of you, but not to the extent that your total sense of self rests on it.

Care about what you think of yourself most. Do it with honesty and compassion, and let the rest work itself out.

That’s all for today! Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by Tero Vesalainen, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Today we’re talking about “conditions of worth.”

This term comes from the work of Carl Rogers, a pioneer in the field of humanistic psychology. I love this concept because it gives you a way to question how you determine your self-worth. It helps you challenge the conditions and expectations that have been imposed on you that really don’t reflect who you are or what you want.

Let’s start with a definition.

Conditions of worth are those “conditions” we think we need to meet for people to accept us as worthy of their love and positive regard.

They consist of the rules of behavior we learn growing up that serve as the measure of our worth and the conditions for approval. They start with our parents and are enforced later by teachers, coaches, friends, community leaders, and the culture. They’re based on conditional love.

If you behave in a particular way, you receive approval and love. If not, you feel disapproval and a lack of worth.

A simple way to think about it are two common parenting strategies used by most parents at some time or other:

1. Withholding love when you don’t do as they wish.
2. Showing love only when you do as they wish.

In each case, your behavior becomes the vehicle by which you feel either accepted or not – loved or not – worthy or not.

When parents act with unconditional love, they still hold you accountable for your behavior, but always with the message that you’re worthy and loved regardless of what you do. That’s a big difference.

With conditional love, you are your performance, and what is “good performance” is defined by others.

The Effects of Conditions of Worth

What happens as you grow up is that you eventually internalize the conditions of worth you’ve been taught. That means:

The voices outside your head become the single voice inside your head. It’s your voice, and it repetitively measures you against those learned conditions you now call your own. You don’t question them.

For example, what if becoming a doctor was expected of you because your father was a doctor, as was your grandfather before him. You had a natural talent for art and loved it, but your parents brushed that aside and pushed you toward med school. You knew if you didn’t meet their expectations, they would be disappointed in you. Your whole family would! You went so far as to convince yourself that you also wanted to become a doctor.

So you did. But you weren’t happy. It didn’t fulfill you. But, instead of recognizing that you took the wrong path, you decided there was something wrong with you. You shoved your desire to pursue art so far down that you lost sight of it, and you took on your parents’ expectations and made them your own.

When we accept conditions of worth imposed on us by others, without examining them for their validity, we end up reducing ourselves to an image someone else created.

We become someone else’s expectations, and we judge ourselves by how well we meet those expectations. The conditions of worth dictate the measure of our self-esteem, how we make decisions, who we get into relationships with, and how we must act to be loved and accepted.

Worse yet, we become our own worst critic. Just as we were primed with conditional love to conform to the behavioral standards prescribed, we now assault ourselves with that same mindset. And we get locked into a never-ending need for affirmation from outside sources.

It’s like being in a straight-jacket on a tight-rope; only the tight-rope resides in your head.

What can be done?

Let’s start with the goal, which is “to become your true self.” That means learning to listen to the inner voice that’s been muffled out by the years of external conditioning.

It doesn’t mean that everything you’ve learned and internalized growing up is wrong. That’s likely never the case. It means that you have to be able to sift through it all and question what’s valid for you and what’s not. What truly resonates with who you are – your values, opinions, interests, talents, and desires.

There are two parts to working toward this goal.

1. Recognizing and reviewing your conditions of worth.
2. Identifying your truths about who you are and who you want to be.

Review your conditions of worth.

In his book Authentic, Stephen Joseph outlines an exercise that I think is perfect for working on this part of the goal. It’s done in writing. Get a piece of paper and write this sentence:

To be of value, I must _____________.

Fill in the blank as many times as you can. Include everything that fits for you.

Examples might be:

• Take care of other people
• Be wealthy
• Be married and have children
• Have a career (whatever fits)
• Be sociable
• Be successful (define it)
• Be calm and never angry
• Be beautiful
• Be perfect

After you fill these in, sit with each one, and as you do, let any thoughts, feelings, or memories come up in your mind. Observe them and write them down.

As you proceed, you’ll start to see where these conditions of worth originated and how they’re embedded in your relationships with parents, family, and other important figures in your life. You might also feel the weight of each one and recognize decisions you made that took you away from what you really wanted or who you really are.

Identify your truths.

As you go through this exercise, you’ll become more aware of what fits and what doesn’t. You’ll question, recognize, and revise what you think, need, and want. You’ll be able to crystallize what you truly value. You’ll find your inner voice again – probably stuck somewhere in a box covered by heavy books and sealed with tape. Dig it out.

This process will allow you to change how you talk to yourself and construct narratives for your life. The voice in your head will become your friend rather than a correctional officer holding you hostage. The door to new opportunities for exploring yourself and becoming more of who you are will open up.

Better yet, this process puts you in charge of your life. It’s both relieving and freeing, not to mention exciting, because it opens the door to step into your authentic self and reach your potential.

That’s all for today. I hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara