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When someone you know and care about is grieving due to a loss, it’s hard to know what to say or do. You feel for them, yet you might feel awkward when you first see them after the fact. You might feel the weight of trying to help and not knowing how.

That’s natural. You may think your response must match the weight of their grief, but the truth is it can’t, nor should it.

Today I’ll go over what to do and what not to do in these instances. If you’ve never been in this position, you will be at some point, and it might help to know what to do.

Let’s start with a couple of facts that will make it easier.

Two Important Truths to Remember

1. Everyone grieves differently.

No two people have the exact same experience of grief, even though there might be some commonalities. You don’t know, nor can you know, all of what the other person feels, even if you’ve experienced a similar loss. You may understand their grieving process more because of your experience, but you still don’t know everything they feel or how they’re experiencing it.

2. The length of a grief reaction is unique to the individual.

Some people take longer than others to find a place for their grief. There’s no time limit or expectation. It could be a year or five years, and some people never get over the loss.

By accepting these two truths, you’re in a much better place to respond. Now let’s look at both what to say and what not to say. We’ll start with what not to say.

What Not to Say

Some of these are common mistakes made out of anxiety to be helpful, but they aren’t. Don’t say anything remotely like these statements.

• I know how you feel.
• It’s been a year – time to put it behind you and move on.
• Think of all the positive things about her.
• You have such beautiful memories. Cherish them.
• She’s in a better place now.
• It was her time. God has a plan for her.
• Be grateful you had her for as long as you did.
• I felt the same way when my husband died, but I’m okay now. You will be too.
• You don’t look well. How are you?

You probably cringed at some of those, especially if you’ve experienced a loss yourself.

There are particular things someone grieving doesn’t want to hear.

They don’t want anyone to:

• Hurry up their grieving process.
• Put a positive spin on things.
• Comment on how ragged they look or how they look at all.
• Jump in with their experiences.
• Say you understand how they’re feeling.

None of those actions are appreciated and will leave the grieving person feeling more isolated.

What do you say?

You could say:

I’m so sorry for your loss and that you’re going through this. I don’t want to invade, but I’m here for you if you want to talk. I’ll listen.

When the grief is new, often, people are in shock. Some withdraw and don’t want to talk to anyone. Others need to talk a lot, and their conversation may run the gamut of sadness, anger, helplessness, fear, and defeat.

Those who want to talk appreciate someone who listens quietly without interjecting ideas or opinions, even if they’re meant to be helpful.

When someone experiences a significant loss, they don’t want to deal with other people’s anxiety about how to respond to them. They want time and, if possible, someone who can sit still and hear them.

To provide that, you need to feel comfortable with being unable to make things better. That’s not your goal. Your goal is simply to be there, and when asked to help in some way, do that. It’s also to give the other person space when they need it.

If they want advice or the benefit of your experience, they’ll ask for it.

Above all, don’t minimize, measure, or evaluate the person’s reactions. Let them be. Show acceptance with quiet attentiveness.

How else can I help?

Depending on the situation, there may be practical things you can do. I would caution you, however, not to overwhelm someone with something you think they might want. I’ve known situations where people brought so much food to the house that some had to be thrown out, not to mention the person felt invaded by so many people showing up on their doorstep.

Generally, sending flowers, cards or acknowledging the loss in a simple yet kind way is helpful.

Some of what you do will depend on how well you know the person, how close and familiar you are with each other, and the experiences you’ve shared previously in dealing with emotional issues.

For example, if your daughter lost her husband and you’re close to each other, she might want you to stay with her or come over and help with the house or kids. But if you’re an acquaintance or work buddy, you wouldn’t do something that familiar.

The idea is to offer help that won’t make the grieving person feel invaded or awkward.

Here’s a list of possibilities:

• Take your loved one to necessary appointments
• Help with insurance forms, funeral arrangements, or other immediate end-of-life needs
• Drive the kids to activities or watch them when needed
• Run errands
• Prepare food and drop it off
• Walk the dog or attend to pets
• Do some household chores like laundry or cleaning up
• If you’re very close, run interference with other people who are coming to the house
• Take a walk together or take them out somewhere if they would like to get out of the house

Things to Watch Out For

Grieving and extended grieving sometimes develop into clinical depression. It’s normal to feel depressed, sad, and helpless when you lose someone. You might also feel immobilized or paralyzed for a time.

As I’ve mentioned, there’s no protocol on how someone “should” grieve. It’s unique to each person. However, it is crucial to note if someone becomes too depressed and needs some intervention.

Obvious signs of this are:

• Neglecting self-care and personal hygiene
• Inability to function in daily life
• Withdrawal for extended periods
• Excessive hopelessness
• Talking about wanting to die or suicide
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Other signs of serious mental health issues like hallucinations

If you’re worried about someone, it’s good to encourage them to seek help and do what you can to aid them in getting an appointment with a therapist or psychiatrist. If you’re unsure what to do, speak to a mental health expert or physician for advice. Most cities have crisis lines where you can speak with someone immediately.

Other Things to Keep in Mind

Remember that your job is not to remove the grief. Be supportive but don’t take on the responsibility of the grief itself. That won’t be good for you or the other person.

Be present, don’t disappear, and if the grief becomes overwhelming, aid your loved one to get help.

Other Losses

This blog focuses on losing someone due to death, but people go through similar grieving processes when they lose a significant relationship or experience a catastrophic loss like losing their home.

My family lived in Miami during Hurricane Andrew, and they were traumatized for months afterward. The losses were horrific. My brothers remained and rebuilt their lives, but my sister left and rebuilt her life elsewhere because the damage was too great.

The point is that all the advice given here for grieving can also be used for those kinds of situations.

A Quick Note

Today’s blog subject was requested by a reader. If you have something you’d like me to address, email me about it.

That’s all for today!

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Suchat longthara, Courtesy of iStock Photo

How often have you heard the advice: “Do what you say you will do!”?

It’s good advice because your reputation is on the line when you falter. More importantly, you lose people’s trust if it happens a lot.

But it’s not always easy to do. And sometimes you do it without really thinking about it.

Today we’ll go through how and why this happens and what you can do to change it.

Let’s start with why it happens.

Reasons People Default

The People-Pleaser

People pleasers are in the habit of saying yes, sometimes without thinking. They get focused on the immediate request and feel compelled to accommodate. The need to please overrides a careful consideration of what saying yes will mean.

You might follow through and likely mean to, but sometimes forget that you said yes to whatever it was, and when the time comes for you to make good on that promise, you either don’t show up because you forgot or you make an excuse to get out of it and then feel guilty.

The Avoidant

People who tend towards avoidance may say yes just to end the conversation. They don’t want to deal with someone’s disappointment or explain why they can’t do what’s requested. They especially don’t want someone to try and sell them on something and keep having to say no.

A quick yes gets them off the hook for the time being, and they’ll figure out how to get out of it later or simply forget it and never say anything about it again.

The Forgetter

People who forget a lot tend to make commitments quickly, and then it leaves their minds. They don’t remember and don’t have a system in place to compensate for that.

If this is you, on some level, you probably feel guilty about being this way, yet you make excuses for it and pass it off as “being ADD” or “just forgetful.” You might have ADD, but even if you do, you’ve internalized it as a personality characteristic that you accept and expect others to accept, even when your behavior impacts them negatively. You say, “That’s just the way I am. I can’t help it.”

The Enthusiast

You get excited and enthusiastic about new things, ideas, or activities and want to join up right now! You offer up your time quickly and are the first to commit.

People who do this tend to do it a lot and often find themselves overwhelmed, harried, and upset with themselves for not taking a moment to assess whether they had the time and energy to take on the new thing. Either they do what they promised, but not without complaints, or they have to back out at some point and leave the group stranded.

The Worrier

This one’s a bit like the people pleaser, but the reasons differ. You’re afraid that by saying no, there will be negative consequences. Someone will think less of you, be disappointed in you, or pass you over for someone who’s more accessible. You say yes begrudgingly to avoid the negative feelings or outcomes you imagine.

You might follow through more than the others to avoid backlash, but you’ll resent it on some level. Many will find a way to get out of the situation, or worse, start and then pull back, which usually brings more backlash and bad feelings.

The Unskilled

You lack the skills necessary to complete the task. You commit before evaluating whether you have the know-how to do what you’re promising.

This happens more in work situations where an employee doesn’t want to confess they don’t know how to do what’s being asked of them or don’t want their employer to be upset or give them a bad evaluation. It can also happen in personal situations when you’re afraid to own up to not knowing how to do something because somebody will judge you for it.

The Procrastinator

You say yes to all kinds of things, both to others and yourself, but don’t follow through. Instead, you do everything else but.

Here’s my example: I set out to write a blog and end up cleaning the house, doing the laundry, and calling a friend. Next day, I concoct a revised writing list including yesterday’s tasks, but again, I do other things. A week goes by, and there’s not a single word written.

In this case, I’m disappointing myself. We all do this, and although it doesn’t directly impact someone else, it has an indirect impact that eventually can come back to bite us. If I never got around to writing that blog, you wouldn’t have it on Monday morning when you’re expecting it to be in your inbox.

How You Can Change It

Regardless of which category fits you, everyone can use these basic things to help avoid promising what you either can’t or don’t want to deliver.

1. Use the 24-hour rule before saying yes.

The 24-hour rule means taking a whole day to decide before giving your answer. You’re far more likely to follow through if you still want to sign on after 24 hours of deliberation. That also gives you time to set up reminders, schedule the event on your calendar, and ensure it won’t interfere with other responsibilities. You don’t have to use this rule if it’s a quick decision you can fulfill right now, but anything that will take longer or is in the future applies.

2. Do a cost/benefit assessment.

This is your basic pro/con list to help you make an informed decision before committing. This exercise is especially helpful for the enthusiast who often sees only the benefits at the moment without weighing out what’s actually entailed in terms of time, effort, and energy. It’s also necessary when the commitment will have far-reaching effects.

3. Write it down in a place you will see it.

Even if it’s a small commitment, you need a method set up where you can document the “yes” the moment it comes out of your mouth. I use Notes on my iPhone and write down everything I commit to as soon as I say it. I check it daily, so I don’t miss it. I usually transfer it to my calendar the first time I check it if I haven’t done that yet.

If you’re ADD-prone, you must have a system established to capture your yeses immediately, or they’ll leave your mind until someone reminds you when they get upset because you didn’t follow through.

4. Accept the discomfort of saying “no.”

You can’t get out of things you don’t want to commit to if you don’t get used to dealing with your discomfort in saying no. That might include dealing with someone’s disappointment as well.

Think of it this way:

It’s much worse to make an excuse later on when someone’s already counting on you than to say “no” upfront.

5. Get serious about following through on what you promise.

Isn’t that what we’ve been talking about this whole time? Yes, it is, but you must make it a priority. That means:

• Seeing yourself as worthy of commitments you make to yourself.
• Seeing others as worthy of your commitments and promises.
• Paying close attention to what you say yes or no to.
• Dealing with emotional discomfort.
• Researching and practicing how to get over procrastination.
• Valuing your word.

All right! That’s plenty to work on, yes? We’ll stop here today.

As always, have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by SimCh, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Two cognitive distortions that create anxiety are referred to as the “binocular trick.” They are magnification and minimization. Using one end of the binocular, you see a greatly enlarged image of what you’re looking at. Looking through the other end, you see a minimized view of that same thing.

Both views distort the dimensions and shape of the original. One magnifies, and one minimizes.

The same happens when applied to your thoughts and feelings. For example, you might maximize your flaws and minimize your accomplishments.

Here’s an example:

Jeannie values her friendships and strives to be there for her friends when needed. She recently had to cancel an outing with one of them due to unforeseen circumstances, and even though her friend understood, Jeannie beat herself up with a litany of chastising thoughts about her failure as a friend. She began to think she was a lousy friend and might lose all her friends because of it. Even though the friend in question pointed out to Jeannie the numerous times she’s been available, Jeannie could only focus on the one miss and minimized her lengthy track record of being a good friend.

This is how these distortions are usually applied – the negatives are magnified, and the positives are minimized. But sometimes, the process is reversed. Here’s an example of that.

Your son often drives late at night after drinking with friends, and you shrug it off as “he’s just being a college kid.”

Here, minimization is used as a means of denial. This can be dangerous.

Sometimes it’s more subtle: You minimize the money you spend on credit cards each month and ignore your rising debt. Or you minimize the effects of arriving late to work every morning until you come in one day to get a pink slip.

Here’s one last example that represents catastrophic thinking.

Your husband doesn’t answer his phone while away from the house, and you fantasize with certainty that he’s been in an auto accident and is severely injured or dead. You know that he’s a good, defensive driver and has never been in an accident. Even so, you assume the worst and become highly anxious, frantically calling and texting.

In this example, there is the possibility that your fear could be realized, but it’s unlikely. You’re magnifying your worst-case scenario without considering any other explanation.

What to Do

You can try three things that have a calming effect and bring your thoughts closer in line with reality. Let’s go through them.

Examine the Evidence

Examining evidence is a standard procedure to use with all cognitive distortions. Here’s how to do it.

1. Recognize.

First, you have to be aware that you’re magnifying or minimizing. Magnifying is the more obvious of the two because of the type of emotions it brings on. Anxiety is usually prominent and can be felt on a scale from medium to panic, depending on your situation and perceptions about it. You might also feel fear, sadness, defeat, or anger. Because these emotions are intense and difficult to ignore, you’re acutely aware of them.

Minimization is a little harder to recognize because it can be automatic, especially if you’re in the habit of minimizing your assets, achievements, or strengths. This is also true if you’re using minimization to deny what you don’t want to see. It sneaks in the back door and becomes a chronic habit, and creates an underlying blanket of anxiety you’re not always aware of.

You have to be a little more vigilant to recognize and increase your awareness of minimization.

2. Question.

Now that you’ve recognized you may be magnifying or minimizing, question the validity. Compare what you’re thinking to the facts. What’s the evidence that your thoughts are correct or incorrect? Or, if there’s a kernel of truth, how much are you magnifying or minimizing?

In Jeannie’s case, she could quickly recount the times she’s spent with her friend against the times she’s canceled. She could also consider how her friends react to her and discover that no one’s shown any dissatisfaction with her behavior.

When people catastrophize, they get tunnel vision. They follow a single train of thought and screen out any possible variation or information to the contrary. It’s like a train in a tunnel increasing in speed, so nothing is visible except the point straight ahead.

Minimizing assets is more like lopping off the branches of a beautiful, flourishing tree so that all that remains is a battered trunk.

Used as denial, minimization is like flattening out a rocky mountain range to a bunch of small stones that don’t pose an obstacle. The problem is it’s a mirage – the mountain range is still there, but you don’t foresee the danger of falling and tumbling down.

In all cases, questioning your thoughts and comparing them to objective evidence will bring you back to a more reality-based place so you can adjust your emotions to reflect that.

2. Interpreting the Positive

Another technique explained by David Burns in his book Feeling Great is called “positive reframing.” I like this one because it doesn’t entail throwing out distorted thoughts but instead looking at the values they might hold.

Dr. Burns suggests you write down all of your magnified or minimized thoughts and then stand back and look deeper at them; what do they represent about you and your core values?

In Jeannie’s case, she values:

• Being a good friend
• Reliability
• Showing concern and empathy
• Being conscientiousness
• Following through with what you promise
• Making people feel good and loved
• Showing up

In the husband and wife scenario, the wife values:

• Marriage
• Love and attachment
• Safety
• Protection of those she loves

In both cases, positive values are associated with distorted reactions to situations. Acknowledging those helps to curb the distortions because it frames the underlying qualities that lead you to care in the first place. You want to keep those qualities while simultaneously questioning your distorted thoughts and emotional reactions leading to anxiety.

Now for the last idea.

Watch the Repetition

Once you’ve gone through the process of challenging your thoughts and recognizing the underlying core values, you hopefully will be able to put those thoughts to bed. But sometimes, there are recurring thoughts that come up time and time again.

You don’t have to go through the entire routine each time if these thoughts are simply repetitions of the same old scenario. Instead, acknowledge and take note of them. Dr. Burns calls this “The Acceptance Paradox.”

Jeannie’s recurring thought, “I’m not a good enough friend,” surfaces often. Instead of managing this thought every time, she says, “Well, there it is again.” Then she lets it go for now until next time. By doing this repeatedly, you eventually dilute its power.

If the thought still makes you emotionally reactive and disturbs you, you may need to repeat the questioning process. Still, repetitive thoughts are always the same, and facing them without diving into them will fade them out after you’ve done the first several corrections. Either way, use what works best for the situation at hand.

Last Note

Distorted thinking happens to everyone, even the most objective person. We perceive events through our own personal lens, which colors our conclusions. You can’t prevent that, but you can consistently work to widen your lens to see the bigger picture, and part of that is catching yourself when your thinking becomes distorted.

Exaggerated emotions almost always follow distorted thoughts, so working on one will help keep the other in check.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by LeoPatrizi, Courtesy of iStock Photo

You have a good friend you love to spend time with, and vice versa. But, if a third person is added to the equation, your friend becomes difficult. She might pout, be standoffish, or say things tinged with hostility. Later when you’re alone, she bad-mouths the other person.

It all sounds rather middle schoolish, doesn’t it? Yet it happens with adults. It might occur with your partner as well.

There’s a psychological basis for this kind of behavior. It has to do with “dyads versus triads.” Let me explain what that means, and then we’ll discuss how you might approach the problem.

A note here: If you’re well-versed in psychology, you know all of this already, but if not, this will be new to you, and it’s good to know.

Okay, let’s start.

The Dyad

Two crucial psychological developmental tasks occur during the first 3 to 3½ years of life. These are separation-individuation and object constancy. I’ll explain them in English for you. But most important to note is that both tasks are accomplished within a dyadic relationship, i.e., mother and child.

Separation-Individuation

As a developing infant in the womb, the baby is symbiotic with Mommy. Symbiosis just means they are one. There’s no sense of separation for the infant.

Once the baby is born, this symbiosis begins to shift. The shift speeds up around seven months when the baby can crawl and explore his environment. Eventually, he can walk and stand without support, which is a major achievement. He recognizes that he and Mommy are not the same. They have different bodies and different wills. This initiates the toddler stage.

The toddler doesn’t know this cognitively because his brain hasn’t developed enough to do that, but he experiences it as he practices moving away from Mommy and then running back to her.

It gets into full swing when his desires begin to clash with hers. He wants to do something, and she says no, sometimes resulting in tantrums.

What’s happening is that the toddler is practicing separating and differentiating himself from Mommy but then becomes anxious about it and regresses. It’s an emotional time, and why it’s referred to as the terrible twos.

The process continues and resolves around 3 to 3½, providing the attachment to Mommy (or the caretaking person) is secure. That means Mom’s present, available, and nurturing even as the toddler has his mood swings.

The culmination is that the child establishes a basic sense of self and becomes comfortable with his new-found individuality.

Object Constancy

The second task, object constancy, occurs simultaneously with the first one.

A simple way to get a flavor for object constancy is to imagine what happens when the young child is away from Mommy. A child who has successfully mastered object constancy can picture her face in his mind and feel connected to her even though she isn’t present. He’s internalized her and all she represents to him so that he can function and feel safe when she’s not around. He knows she’s not gone, just not present at the moment. He doesn’t feel anxious about the separation.

Kids usually master object constancy around the same time they complete separation-individuation. It’s not exact, and some kids develop faster than others. But generally, 3 to 3½ is when the dyadic phase expands to the triadic stage.

Triads

During the ages from about 3½ up to 6, children work on becoming part of a triad – Mommy, Daddy, and child. Even if there’s only one parent, children still work on adding in a third person through socialization and relationships with other family members.

If you’ve spent much time around a 4-year-old, you know they’re interested in playing with other kids and like spending time with aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. They have a strong sense of self and now want to explore other relationships. They feel confident enough to welcome a third person (and more) into their dyad.

That doesn’t mean, by the way, that Daddy doesn’t have an essential role during infancy and toddlerhood. He, or the other parental figure, is important.

It’s just that the developmental tasks are being accomplished in terms of a dyadic relationship with one parent while the other parent provides a more supportive role.

The Problem

As adults, we assume everyone’s gotten through these phases well enough to operate as autonomous, secure, trusting individuals. Not true.

Although children continue to grow, develop, and eventually become adults, those unfinished developmental issues linger and influence adult emotions and behavior.

If an adult has not successfully developed a strong, healthy sense of self and mastered object constancy, they still operate as part of a dyad.

A person like this can sometimes successfully feel safe and happy with one person, but become uncomfortable when a third person is present or trying to enter into their dyadic relationship.

That doesn’t mean that couples or even best friends don’t have some boundaries with others or that they don’t have a level of intimacy that is theirs. They do, but secure partners (friends) can feel easy around other people and be welcoming without alarming either of the partners.

People who struggle with dyad/triad problems might become jealous or uncomfortable when a third person enters, or maybe shut down if the other partner enjoys interacting with other people. They might also become possessive or punish their partner by ignoring them and giving overly special attention to others to make the partner feel a loss.

Unfortunately, this happens in families when two parents continually triangulate a child, encouraging them to choose sides between their parents.

What to Do

This problem is not easy to fix because it’s rooted in early relationships with parents. Here are some things to try:

1. Acknowledge the problem.

Acknowledge that the problem exists and is real, first for yourself and then with the other person involved.

2. Explore the emotional repercussions.

Discuss how you both feel when this happens without judgment. Someone who struggles with this problem feels pain when it occurs. They might also deny that it exists. But if they can talk about it and admit that it makes them uncomfortable, you have something to work with.

3. Figure out some solutions.

Next, talk about what you can do to make each other feel better when these situations arise.

If you go to a party and one makes the rounds to chat while the other stands aloof or shows discomfort, decide how you can prevent those feelings before you go.

• You could create a signal to let each other know you need to check in.
• You could make sure to touch each other here and there to reinforce the connection (for partners).
• Maybe you make the rounds together and remind each other beforehand that conversing with others doesn’t take something away from the relationship.
• For two friends, you might decide to make it a project to help the third person feel comfortable and wanted. If you’re doing that together, it solidifies the friendship rather than pulling at it.

Using Cues

The bottom line is that any show of possessiveness, withdrawal, or even hostility comes from a place of insecurity and feelings of loss. If you can keep that in mind for yourself, if you’re the one working with the issue or for your friend or partner, it will help you deal with it.

Offering reassurance is one of the best ways to reduce negative reactions and feelings. This works especially well if you have some cues in place that you both know to use.

Cues maintain the intimacy of the relationship. We use them all the time, but generally in other circumstances. For example, you set up cues with your boss during meetings. You might have cues with your kids to signal that behavior is getting off track. Cues are intimate. So use them.

The Last Thing to Consider

If the problem is severe and you can’t work it out alone, therapy is the best option. Even better is to do both: use the strategies we’ve laid out here and use therapy to deal more directly with developmental issues. You can overcome them, but you must be willing to accept they’re real before you can pursue that.

Resolving these issues will fix many other problems, so the benefits are significant.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by fizkes, Courtesy of iStock Photo

This question comes up a lot because it’s a common problem and difficult to handle. That said, some people have no problem saying what’s on their mind when they’re upset or don’t like something, but not always in a way that’s well received. Others feel timid to voice their concerns or feel guilty, and sometimes even afraid.

Today we’ll go through some basic guidelines you can use that help and also talk about when you’re overstepping.

Let’s start with the guidelines. There are two scenarios to consider.

Scenario #1: You don’t like what someone’s doing that directly affects you.

This is the most common scenario and one you should address. However, there’s a way to do it and not do it. To be successful, you need an approach that doesn’t feel like an attack. Try these things.

1. Use “I” messages only. Never start with “You . . . .” You’ll put the other person on the defensive. Say, “When you do (blank), I feel (blank).” This wording takes the sting out because you’re taking responsibility for your feelings, even though the other person stimulates them. You might think this is just semantics, but it’s more than that. It helps the other person hear you.
2. Explain. Once you’ve stated the issue, you can explain it but continue to use “I” messages throughout so that you avoid a direct attack, even if you think they deserve it.
3. Now offer an alternative. Say how you’d rather they behave or how you would rather it be. What do you want or need from the other person? Again, stick with “I” messages. You’re not telling someone how they should or shouldn’t be or what they should or shouldn’t do, but you are letting them know how their behavior affects you and what you need, and sometimes where the limit is. That’s far more powerful. If the person cares about you, they’ll take it in and consider it.
4. Don’t hold them to an immediate response. The last guideline is giving the other person time to digest your words. You could say, “I don’t expect an immediate response. Take some time if you need to think about it. We can talk more later.”

What if?

What if the other person doesn’t respond well? Here are two possible negative responses.

1. They get angry and blow up.

If this happens, you have two choices: Either work on diffusing the anger or opt out.

To diffuse, you could say,

“I can see you’re upset. That wasn’t my intention. Please tell me what’s bothering you about what I’ve said.”

Let them talk and voice their thoughts. The more receptive you are to what they say, the more the anger will diffuse, and they’ll calm down.

You might find it annoying to switch gears and listen to the other person because, in effect, they’re changing the focus from you to them. However, the goal is to reduce defensiveness so you can return to the issue and have a more reasonable discussion.

You can also opt out. You could say,

“I’m sorry you’re upset. That wasn’t my intention. Maybe we need to take some time before talking about it more.”

Or, if you get an unacceptable counterattack, you can immediately let the other person know you’re not willing to continue under those circumstances. You might say,

“I can see you’re angry, but I’m not okay with the direct attack. Let me know when and if you’re willing to talk. Until then, let’s put it off.”

2. They defend by changing the subject.

You initiate a topic, and the other person jumps in with five other issues. These are called “kitchen sink conversations.” They never work.

In this case, point out that you’re moving off the original subject and need to handle only one issue at a time. Let them know you can deal with the other issues they’ve raised but at another time. Most people will hear that and come back to the original topic. Those that won’t are naturally more defensive. If that happens, refuse to move on and opt out for now if necessary.

Make use of time.

Keep in mind that time is an asset when talking about complex issues. You don’t need to resolve everything right now. If you just get out what you need to say, that’s enough for the first round. If the subject triggers the other person, you can suggest taking time on both parts to think through the issue before attempting to resolve it.

You could say,

“Let’s just try to understand each other’s point of view in this first conversation without agreeing to anything. Then we’ll take a break and return to it tomorrow after we’ve both had time to digest it all.”

That seems to work best for most people. Break it down into two or three separate conversations.

Scenario #2: You’re concerned about someone.

In this case, you’re concerned about the path someone’s going down, or you know their unhappiness is due to avoidance of some kind or another.

There are several things to think about before launching a confrontation or giving advice.

1. What’s the nature of your relationship?

Is the relationship close and strong enough to withstand what you have to say? Is it appropriate to bring up the subject or discuss your concerns?

2. What’s the level of receptivity?

If there’s little to no receptivity to what you have to say, you should think carefully before going forward. You may say it anyway because you believe the other person is headed down a dangerous road. Yet, if there’s no receptivity, or you’ve said it all before to no avail, reconsider.

Sometimes people need to learn things on their own in their own way.

3. What’s your investment?

Usually, when you’re concerned about someone you love or are close to, your investment is substantial. The question to ask yourself is, do you want to pass on your advice or concern to help the other person or to relieve your anxiety about it? Maybe it’s both, but you must ensure your primary objective is what’s best for the other person. Know your motivation.

Guidelines for This Scenario

Once you go through the above questions and decide to go forward, use these guidelines.

1. As in the first case scenario, stick with “I” messages. You can start with, “I’m concerned about something I’d like to run by you.” Or, “I’m worried about something I’d like to talk to you about.” Follow-up with, “This is not a criticism, but genuine concern. Are you willing to hear it?”
2. Be direct, but deliver your message without judgment or blame. If the behavior directly affects you, say how it does.
3. Check in as you go to see how it’s going down. If the person becomes defensive, you can decide whether to push on or let it go for now.

You can always say,

“I don’t mean to make you feel attacked or defensive. I am concerned, but we can let it go for now. Maybe you might think about what I’ve said when you have time to digest it.”

Whatever you decide to say or not, make sure you’re allowing the other person to have the time needed to process it and that you’re not launching an attack.

Wrap-Up

To summarize, stick with these four rules:

1. Avoid attacking or criticizing, even if you feel it’s warranted.
2. Use “I” messages, and if appropriate, say how the behavior in question affects you.
3. Be empathetic, especially for the second case scenario.
4. Don’t expect to resolve everything in one conversation.

I’ve attached a PDF called ​How to Stop Being Defensive​ if you haven’t already seen it before. It provides some extra info you can use.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by fizkes, Courtesy of iStock Photo

A fun and effective way to reach your goals and get unstuck if you’re struggling is to team up with an accountability partner. Doing so cuts through isolation, procrastination, and distraction.

Today I’ll give you all the ins and outs of how to set it up and make it work.

Let’s start with a definition.

What exactly is an accountability partner?

It’s someone with whom you mutually agree to check in regularly and monitor each other’s progress toward specific goals and actions. It’s a partnership to help each other stay on track and get to the finish line. And it’s been proven to significantly increase your chances of succeeding.

“If you make a conscious decision yourself that you want to achieve something, this increases your chances of success by 10-25%. Having a clear plan of how you’re going to achieve it increases your chances further, to 50%. But if you commit to someone else that you’ll do it, there’s a 65% chance of success. This increases to a massive 95% if you make a specific appointment with another person to report back on your progress.” (ActionBuddy.io)

To make it work, there are some guidelines you need to follow. But first, let’s go over how to select the right partner, and then we’ll cover how to set up a structure to get the best results.

How to Choose a Partner

Some people say you shouldn’t choose a family member, but I think it’s OK to do that as long as you have a relationship based on mutual respect and devoid of personal competition. In addition, the following qualities are important and necessary.

Honesty

You need someone who isn’t afraid to be honest with you about your behavior. After all, the whole point is to ensure someone holds your feet to the fire and points out when you’re moving off track.

Empathy

In addition to honesty, you also need someone empathetic. Honesty is different than criticism. Honesty means being truthful and seeing what is, but criticism adds judgment to that. You don’t want judgment. Choose someone who can empathize with your struggles without enabling you to give in to them. Find that person who can say,

“You’re procrastinating, and I understand how easy it is to do that. But it’s not in your best interest. How can I help you get over that hump?”

Reciprocity

The goal of your accountability partner is to help you succeed and vice versa. You’re each other’s cheerleader, coach, and bearer of truth. You’re both committed to the process.

Trust

All of the above won’t work unless you truly trust each other. There are two elements to consider:

1. Knowing that you each will not do anything to hurt or harm the other one.
2. Knowing that you’ll keep each other’s confidentiality. This means you won’t discuss what you’re each working on, how it’s going, or what you learn from each other unless discussed beforehand and agreed upon.

Enthusiasm

A partner who’s genuinely interested and excited about what you’re trying to accomplish infuses the relationship with energy. Part of everyone’s struggle when working toward goals is losing interest over the long haul or a desire to quit when obstacles come up. A partner who will help you over those dips is essential, and vice versa.

A Quick Note About Coaching

Although an accountability partner is part coach in the sense that you’re keeping each other on track, it’s not someone to tell you how to do your work. The focus is on the process. If you choose someone with expertise in what you’re working on, you may feel the relationship becoming one-sided as your partner moves into a coaching mode.

That doesn’t mean you can’t have mutual knowledge and use it to help each other, but make sure it’s beneficial for both of you. It’s unnecessary to choose someone with knowledge about your desired goal, and some people prefer it that way.

Either way works as long as you feel equally stimulated and inspired to keep going.

The Rules

You have to set up some basic rules and procedures for the whole thing to work.

1. Where and when.

How often will you check in, and where or how? You can meet in person, on Zoom, or over the phone. You might choose a combination. For example, meet in person once every other week and on Zoom in the weeks in between.

Some people check in several times a week or even daily, whereas others meet biweekly or once a month. I would caution you not to go longer than bi-weekly, especially when starting. Momentum is important, and if either of you tends toward procrastination, weekly is best.

2. How long?

Once you know where and how often you’ll meet, decide for how long. Set a time. Meetings shouldn’t be overly long, and they should be focused. You might meet for 30 minutes to an hour once every other week and check in by phone on the weeks in between for 15 minutes.

Another issue might be to set up how long you want the partnership to continue. Three months? Six months? Or something shorter? You might not decide that at the outset, but it’s good to consider once you get into it.

3. Goals and Tracking Methods

Now for the actual goals and how you will track them.

I would suggest that you do something written. An easy thing to do is set up a shared Google Doc where you both write out your specific goals and actions you want to take. You can create a more formal format if you like.

Goals can be big, but they should be broken down into smaller goals you can track. An excellent method to use is SMART goals. SMART stand for specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound.

To use this method, ask yourself these questions:

• Specific. What do I want to accomplish, and what does that look like? Make your goals specific and limited enough that you can create a plan to achieve them.
• Measurable. What metrics can I use to show progress? There should be numbers, milestones, or data you can measure to show movement toward your goal.
• Attainable. Is what I’m attempting to do possible? Choose goals you can achieve. This means you have the resources, time, and energy to make them happen. You might decide to go back to school, but your current life circumstances and finances will not allow that. Start with something you can do right now.
• Relevant. Is my goal meaningful or relevant to my current life trajectory? Choose a goal that furthers your personal, academic, or professional development. How will it personally benefit you?
• Time-Bound. Can I achieve this goal within a given time frame? Every goal should be broken down into specific actions and set within time on a calendar so that both you and your accountability partner have something to work from.

Putting It All Together

Here’s an example of my own. I recently set up an accountability partnership with my son. We both have some crossover expertise in what we’re working on which will be helpful in this case.

We’re meeting in person every other week for an hour and by phone/Zoom on the weeks in between for 20 minutes.

We’re using a Google doc to list goals and document weekly actions. We use these for the weekly check-ins. During the in-person meetings, we cover obstacles or pivots we need to make based on our experiences.

We also make sure to outline successes weekly. Our goals are measurable and specific, so it’s easy to see where we are and what needs tweaking.

The Best Part

The best part is that having an accountability partner is fun, especially if you choose the right person, and it makes working on goals more manageable and enjoyable, which is the whole point.

It’s especially beneficial in dealing with procrastination. When you have to report your progress to someone else, you’re more likely to make your goals specific, doable, actionable, and, most importantly, you’ll finish. Give it a try!

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by konstantynov, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Over the last several weeks, we’ve learned about how stress affects the body and mind and some strategies to release it. This week we’re talking about stressors. That will conclude our three-week discussion devoted to stress management.

I’ve got six strategies you can try for dealing with stressors. Let’s go through them.

1. Avoid “avoidance.”

There are two parts to this one.

Part 1: Do your best not to resist the stressor.

That’s easier said than done, but you can get better at it by adopting the mindset that things happen unexpectedly. That doesn’t mean expecting things to go wrong but staying flexible and prepared to pivot when they do.

Part 2: Avoid stressors by planning ahead.

Many stressors occur because you cut things too close. You wait until the last minute to do something or don’t take care of things that need doing, and they rear their ugly head at the most inopportune time. Do what needs to be done in a timely manner and stay on top of your stuff.

2. Watch your narrative.

The stressor is one thing, but the story you tell yourself about it is what most influences how you react.

The narrative that gets you in trouble is catastrophizing and focusing on worst-case scenarios.

Cognitive distortions can run wild when you’re stressed and inflate your negative emotions – fear, despair, anger, overwhelm – so that you begin to react to your fantasy of what’s happening more than the actual reality in front of you.

It’s easy to do this when facing a possible loss, such as harm to someone you love, your finances crashing, a job loss, etc. These stressors are harder to manage and require some soothing self-talk or support from someone else who can be a voice of reason.

When your emotions take over, step back if you can and be mindful of the story you’re telling yourself about what’s happening. When you do that, you activate your prefrontal cortex and get into a thinking mode. That allows you to calm your emotions and adjust your narrative to something more realistic and also move your focus toward dealing with the situation.

3. Set boundaries.

Stress is sometimes the result of someone else’s problems or unrealistic expectations of you. Relationships, especially close ones, blur the boundaries of what belongs to who and what each person’s responsibilities are. This is especially true when co-dependency is strong, or one person takes advantage of the other.

If you tend to be a “caretaker” who habitually rescues or kowtows to the other person’s needs at your own expense, then you likely feel chronically stressed. Over time, you feel depleted emotionally, physically, and psychologically.

No amount of stress-release activities can alleviate this kind of repetitive pressure. Only you can do that by setting boundaries and recognizing your part in the dance, although it doesn’t feel like a dance. It’s more like being repeatedly tackled on the football field.

Take time to assess your relationships (including those at work), and ask yourself if more boundaries are needed.

If you’re the person that’s often rescued, then you need some boundaries for yourself, which requires looking closely at how you can manage your responsibilities better.

This isn’t something to beat yourself up over, but something you can use to improve your life.

4. Narrow down.

Many of us are stressed because we do too much. You might argue with me with the retort, “It’s not my choice! I have to do too much!”

Some people are trapped in daily responsibilities that seem necessary, and they may be. An example is the single parent with three kids who works full-time, doesn’t make enough money to make ends meet, and has no support system. That person has too much to do – every day. Still, a careful examination is helpful.

Most of us have some room to make choices but don’t. We take on too much, then feel overwhelmed and complain about not having enough time.

Try this:

1. Write out everything you do on a daily/weekly basis.
2. Now put it all out on a calendar. Where do you do it? During what hours?
3. Next, prioritize. What’s most important, and what could you let go of?
4. Where do you waste time?

You likely don’t know how much time you waste.

I did this exercise once. I wrote down how I spent every minute for a full week. It was rather grueling but eye-opening. I got a better feel for how much time things took versus how much time I thought they took and where I wasted time. It helped me decide what to let go of and how re-position some tasks to be more efficient.

5. Find the value.

Progress comes from overcoming obstacles.

You’ve heard some version of this, I’m sure, and that’s because it’s mostly true.

When things come easy, we might perform well, but when there are obstacles to overcome, we seem to rise higher and perform better. It’s like working out – when you push your muscles just a little harder than is comfortable, they acclimate to the challenge and get stronger.

Stressors you consider to be obstacles or roadblocks often have something to teach you. You groan when they come up because you aren’t in the mood or ready to learn that lesson right now, but that’s how things go, isn’t it?

So look at the situation and ask yourself what you might gain from it. Even when you have a job you don’t like, there’s something you’re learning either about yourself, or perhaps a skill, or how to deal with adversity. What are you getting you can use later?

This is called “positive reappraisal” (Nagoski, 2019). It’s a valuable concept you can tap into when you feel stuck and unhappy with where you are. That doesn’t mean you should pretend everything’s fine. Using positive thinking this way is not beneficial. See things as they are, but push yourself to see the silver lining until you can make a change.

This leads us to the last one.

6. Know when to quit.

Sometimes dealing with a stressor is deleting it. This is when you decide to cut your losses because staying in the situation is not feasible or advisable.

This applies to bad jobs, bad relationships, and self-destructive habits.

In Burnout, Emily and Amelia Nagoski suggest doing a cost-benefit assessment. Ask yourself:

1. What are the costs of staying in?
2. What are the costs of getting out?
3. What are the benefits of staying in?
4. What are the benefits of getting out?

Make sure to consider both short and long-term costs and benefits. This will help you see it more objectively.

Sometimes you know even before you do the exercise, but it helps to apply some soul-searching and see it on paper.

One More Thing

We usually see stressors in the present tense as something we’re experiencing now. Yet, it helps to look at them in terms of the big picture. The question is:

How does this situation fit into my overall “why”? Why am I here, what am I trying to accomplish, and what’s truly important?

What you do daily feels different when you see it in terms of your bigger picture. It aligns you with what’s meaningful for you and allows you to sync your actions, goals, and attitudes toward your purpose(s). Stressors become part of that larger landscape, and you feel more appreciative of what they teach you, or you know when to let them go.

I’ll end on that philosophical note.

That’s all for today.

As always, have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Zac Durant on Unsplash

Last week, you learned what stress does to your body and psyche, especially chronic stress that builds up over time. Part of managing stress is finding effective methods to release it so it doesn’t negatively impact your physical and mental health.

Even when you can control the things that are causing your stress (stressors), you still have to recover from the fallout of dealing with them.

That’s what we’re talking about today: What activities or practices can you use to de-stress and “complete the cycle” of stress release?

Some of these will be short-term strategies you can use on the spot, and others are long-term strategies that keep you stress-free while immunizing you to stress build-up.

I’ll list them and give you brief descriptions.

A Quick Stress Primer

Before we start on stress-release methods, I want to summarize what we’re trying to accomplish with these activities. This information comes from Rick Hanson, author of Buddha’s Brain.

He likens releasing stress in the body to “cooling the fires,” which is an apt description. To accomplish this, we need to tap into the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), which is one component of the autonomic nervous system (ANS).

The autonomic nervous system is a part of the overall peripheral nervous system and regulates crucial physiologic processes such as heart rate, blood pressure, respiration, digestion, and sexual arousal.

The ANS has three divisions – sympathetic, parasympathetic, and enteric. For our purposes, we’re only concerned with the first two.

1. The sympathetic nervous system (SNS) activates the fight-or-flight response to perceived danger when you’re stressed.
2. The parasympathetic (PNS) does the opposite: it calms and soothes your body and brain after periods of stress.

Stress-release strategies aim to stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system while cooling the sympathetic nervous system.

Having this information under your belt makes it easier to decide what activities might be helpful. Let’s go through them now. I’ll start with short-term activities.

Diaphragmatic Breathing

Everyone knows deep breathing is helpful when you’re stressed, but there’s a way to do it.

Place your hand on your upper abdomen just below your ribcage. Start with a slow inhale through your nose to the count of 4. As you breathe in, push your belly out as you move air up into your lungs. Hold that for a count of 4. Now exhale through your mouth to a count of 4 until you’re completely empty. If you like, hold this for a count of 4 or just begin your next inhale.

Complete the whole series four times. When finished, sit and relax and feel the calming effect. The PNS is stimulated during exhalation, so make sure to exhale completely.

You can do this routine any place, and it takes only a few minutes. It’s a reset for the body and mind and is helpful when you feel your emotions ramping up.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

I’ve attached a handout with specific instructions for how to do this activity. (Get links to the handouts at the end of the article.) Generally, it consists of focusing on various body parts one at a time, noticing tension there, and then releasing it by consciously relaxing.

For example, focus on your shoulders. Where do you feel the tension in them? Are you holding them up or hunching forward? Now relax them completely. Go to the next body part and continue the process.

You can work from your feet up or your head down. A more extensive process is to tense each body part intentionally before relaxing it. Either way is helpful.

Quick Relaxation

Rick Hanson suggests four things you can do quickly at any time. They are:

1. Relax your eyes, jaw muscles, and tongue.
2. Let yourself sink into the ground (if lying down) or chair if sitting, and feel the tension draining out of your body. This is a good exercise to use when going to sleep.
3. Run warm water over your hands. It’s surprising how much this can relax you.
4. Scan your body for areas of tension, and then relax them. You may know specific body parts you tense regularly. Check them first.

Exercise

Exercise is a short and long-term solution and one of the best methods of releasing immediate stress. Going for a walk outside does wonders for both body and mind and helps you complete the cycle of a stressful incident. A run is great if you can do that. Anything aerobic does the job. Walking is fine.

Regular exercise raises your stress tolerance and clears out a backlog of stress you might be holding in your body.

John Ratey likens exercise to a “stress inoculation.” Toxic levels of stress erode connections between nerve cells in the brain. Regular exercise has the opposite effect. It sparks the growth and preservation of neurons, which creates stronger nerve connections and enhances brain functioning.

An added benefit is that aerobic exercise also increases serotonin and dopamine levels in the brain, improving mood, focus, and motivation.

Meditation

Along with exercise, meditation is one of the most effective methods of completing the cycle and releasing stress. It’s also the best method of reducing stress-related reactivity to adversity.

Meditation:

• Increases gray matter in the insula, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex, which enhances memory, cognition, and control of emotions.
• Improves psychological functions such as empathy, focus and attention, compassion, and tolerance.
• Creates emotional space so that you have less negative reactivity to stressful events. I’ve meditated regularly for many years, and I’ve noticed that when something stressful occurs, I have an almost slow-motion reaction that allows me to stand between myself and the event and observe while thinking about how to react. This happens automatically. I feel calm even when something goes wrong. If I do have an anxious reaction, I can note it without fully engaging in it.
• Decreases the release of stress-related cortisol.
• Strengthens the immune system.
• Diminishes mood disturbances and other chronic psychological conditions like anxiety, insomnia, and impulsivity.

Think of it this way:

Meditation works directly on the mind while calming the body and enhancing physiological functioning on a neural level. If you meditate regularly, over time, all your other habits will improve, as will your ability to regulate your emotions. Meditation also delves into your subconscious and releases stress associated with memories and trauma.

It’s both preventative and healing. It immunizes you from stress.

Talking it Out

Stress is worse in isolation. Talking to someone who can listen helps you pull the stress out, work it over, and release it. Don’t go it alone, but make sure you choose the right person to talk to. Read this blog to help you do that.

Finding Refuge

This one also comes from Rick Hanson.

Ask yourself this question:

Throughout your life, where have you found refuge when you needed a place to let down your guard and feel safe and soothed?

This could be a place, activity, person, or persons such as family members, friends, or partners. It could be a teacher/mentor/spiritual figure. Pets count too.

It might be something more ideological, like truth, compassion, faith, or love.

Or maybe books, poetry, or art.

Where, who, or what are your refuges, and how do you experience them? Think about this over the next week and identify them.

When you keep them in mind, you can turn to them even in thought when you’re stressed. Just focusing on them can recharge and relax you simultaneously and give you the fortitude to keep going.

These are your sanctuaries.

More Ideas

I’ve attached several PDFs below to extend what we’ve discussed here. You can download them if you like and keep them for reference.

This blog didn’t address what to do about stressors. That’ll be coming up next week.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

ProgressiveMuscleRelaxation.pdf​
​OtherStress-ManagementStrategies.pdf​
​So-HumMeditation.pdf

_FOOTNOTES:

_{Davidson, R. J. 2004. Well-being and affective style: Neural substrates and biobehavioural correlates. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society, 359(1449), 1395–1411. DOI: 10.1098/rstb.2004.1510}

_{Dusek, J. A., Out, H. H., Wohlhueter, A. L., Bhasin, M., Zerbini, L. F., Joseph, M. G., Benson, H. & Libermann, T. A. (2017). Genomic counter-stress changes induced by the relaxation response. PLOS ONE, 12(2): e0172845.https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0172845}

_{Goyal, M., Singh, S., Sibinga, E.M., Gould, N.F., Rowland-Seymour, A., Sharma, R., Berger, Z., Sleicher, D., Maron, D.D., Shihab, H.M., et al. (2014). Meditation programs for psychological stress and well-being: a systematic review and meta-analysis. JAMA Internal Medicine, 174(3), 357-368. DOI: 10.1001/jamainternmed.2013.13018}

_{Hanson, R. (2009). Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom. Harbinger Publications.}

_{Hölzel, B. K., Ott, U., Gard, T., Hempel, H., Weygandt, M., Morgen, K. & Vaitl, D. (2008). Investigation of mindfulness meditation practitioners with voxel-based morphometry. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 3(1), 55–61. DOI: 10.1093/scan/nsm038}

_{Luders, E., Toga, A. W., Lepore, N., & Gaser, C. (2009). The underlying anatomical correlates of long-term meditation: Larger hippocampal and frontal volumes of gray matter. Neuroimage, 45(3), 672-678. DOI: 10.1016/j.neuroimage.2008.12.061}

_{Lutz, A., Brefczynski-Lewis, J., Johnstone, T. & Davidson, R. (2008). Regulation of the neural circuitry of emotion by compassion meditation: Effects of meditative expertise. PLOS ONE, 3(3):e1897. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0001897}

_{Ratey, J. & Hagerman, E. (2008). Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain. Little, Brown Spark.}

_{Tang, Y., Ma, Y., Wang, J., Fan, Y., Feg, S., Lu, Q., Yu, Q., Sui, D., Rothbart, M., Fan, M., & Posner, M. (2007). Short-term meditation training improves attention and self-regulation. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 104(43), 17152–17156. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.070767810}

Photo by mixetto, Courtesy of iStockPhoto

This week’s subject comes from twin sisters Emily and Amelia Nagoski, who authored the book Burnout. The issue is stress, and today we will delve into how stress is felt and what it does to your body and mind.

Next week we’ll talk about how to manage stress. I’ll also give you a handout with additional instructions for using some relaxation techniques.

Let’s dive in.

Stress versus the Stressor

This concept was eye-opening for me. It’s not something I don’t know on some level, but something I rarely think about or recognize. I’m guessing the same applies to you.

Here’s the basic idea provided by Emily and Amelia in their book:

Dealing with your stress is a separate process from dealing with the things that cause your stress. To deal with your stress, you have to complete the cycle.

One initiates the stress; this is the stressor that activates a stress response in your body.

The other is the fallout: this is the “neurological and physiological shift that happens in your body when you encounter” a stressor or threat.

The distinction between the stressor and the stress itself is crucial because what often happens is that you focus on reducing stressors but forget that experiencing them leads to residual effects in your body and psyche that continue long after the stressor has been removed.

And, if you’re facing chronic ongoing stressors, your body doesn’t catch up. It just keeps piling on, which results in all kinds of physical distress and sometimes disease processes. Your mind also doesn’t recover but gets embroiled in chronic reactivity as you try to manage things.

I doubt anyone doesn’t experience chronic stress from time to time, and for many, it’s a daily experience.

Now let’s look at what happens when confronted with a stressor.

The Body’s Response to Stress

You know a lot of this already, but you may not know the particulars, and those are important to understanding how to manage stress.

Stress is caused by a threat, whether physical, emotional, or cognitive. Something feels dangerous, and your brain accommodates that feeling with an automatic call to arms. It’s like the red alert on the Enterprise (if you’re familiar with Star Trek). The alarm sounds, and everyone gets in their place to ready themselves for battle.

Your heart rate increases, blood pumps fast and pushes into your muscles, you breathe harder and faster, your sensitivity to pain decreases, your muscles tense up, your attention narrows, your senses are heightened, and you’re hypervigilant.

Imagine hearing someone fiddle with the doorknob on your front porch in the middle of the night. You can hear a pin drop, and you can barely breathe.

Those are the obvious feelings; most everyone knows them because we’ve all experienced them. What you might not know is that other shifts are occurring in your body and brain.

Your brain narrows your focus to previous experiences and knowledge relative to what’s happening right now. It’s like opening only the windows on your computer that are relevant to the current situation and closing all the others. Your body slows down organ systems that aren’t considered necessary for battle. These include digestion, immune function, musculoskeletal, and reproduction.

Your entire mind and body revise activities to focus on the perceived threat and suspend normal functions to facilitate a response.

If the stressor is a single incident, you will likely be more successful at managing the stress once the threat is past. But if you experience chronic stress, those organ systems take a hit daily and cannot function optimally. Diseases like IBS, ulcerative colitis, heart disease, infertility, and many others are fed by chronic stress, as reduced or overactive immune responses hamper your body’s ability to fight against them.

Your Mind’s Response to Stress

As your body revs up its army, your brain narrows in on responding to the stressor. It helps you decide whether to stay and fight, take flight and run, or freeze and play dead. You quickly assess which is most likely to keep you safe and which is possible. If the threat’s right on top of you and there’s no way out, you either fight or play dead. You may decide to flee if you’ve got a little room to think and a way to escape.

All this is done in your head while your body goes through the shifts we just described. Your emotions supply the energy that surges through your body as the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline are released. They ready you for action.

“Freeze” is another story.

Freeze is different from fight or flight. When you’re involved in fight or flight, you’re active. You have a direction to take. These two avenues involve the sympathetic nervous system, which gives you a “go” signal. Sympathetic means “with emotion.”

When you freeze, the opposite occurs. You suspend all activity. This avenue involves the parasympathetic nervous system. Parasympathetic means “beyond emotion.” When you freeze, you may feel removed from yourself, disengaged, numb, and sluggish. You can’t think or make sense of anything.

Fight or flight is like applying metal to the pedal, whereas freezing slams on the brakes.

Now stop and imagine for a minute a situation you’ve been in where you felt one of these responses. If you can, imagine three of them where you had the experience of each response.

Now think about experiencing any or all of them regularly.

With chronic stress, the experience of tension or anxiety isn’t acute, like if someone’s breaking into your home in the middle of the night. It’s muted, so you forget it’s happening sometimes. It rears its head here and there, then settles back down to just below your conscious awareness, but it’s still active.

Here’s the big problem: Your body never forgets.

Complete the Cycle

Complete the cycle means that once you’ve dealt with a stressor and the conscious danger is past, your body still needs additional help to move out of the stress cycle. You might know that the stressor is gone and feel some relief, but your body hasn’t yet gotten the signal that all’s clear and all systems can go back to their normal functions. It’s as though the ship’s captain knows the threat’s been averted, but he hasn’t told his team that they can turn off the alarm and return to their usual stations and duties.

You have to give your body that signal. You have to provide a method to release the stress that’s been accumulated in responding to the stressor and send the message that it’s safe.

Just knowing you’re safe from the stressor doesn’t automatically do that. And if you’re chronically stressed, your body accumulates stress and never feels safe.

What are the signs that you haven’t completed the cycle?

• Excessive fatigue
• Insomnia
• Negative, obsessive, or overthinking
• Racing mind, difficulty concentrating
• Worry and foreboding
• Lack of motivation, not taking care of things
• Numbness, apathy
• Anger, unexpected emotional eruptions, panic attacks
• Self-destructive behavior and habits
• Over or under-eating, poor diet, craving junk food and carbs
• Body picking
• Chronic illness, aches and pains, asthma, infections

Great. What’s next?

That’s what we’re going to address next week. I’ll review the best methods of “completing the cycle” and helping your body and mind release stress.

In the meantime, you can think about what your stress load is. You may be unaware of just how much stress you handle daily. That can easily happen when you’re immersed in it. It’s good to take an objective view. Then you can start to unravel it.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Srdjanns74, Courtesy of iStockPhoto

Talking about your problems and sharing your negative feelings with someone is good for you.

Let’s start with why, and then I’ll give you the science behind it.

The “why” is that it can:

• Reduce stress
• Lower anxiety and worry
• Relieve isolation
• Facilitate healing from trauma
• Strengthen the immune system
• Reduce emotional pain

That’s not a complete list, but it covers some of the most significant effects.

Now for the science.

Reducing Isolation

When you express your thoughts and feelings to someone who’s open to hearing them, several processes are activated that join you and the listener together to create understanding and connection.

1. Mirror Neurons

The first process involves mirror neurons, associated with the brain’s ability to feel what the other person feels.

Neurons are nerve cells that send messages throughout the body. A mirror neuron is unique because it fires when you act and also when someone else acts.

For example, when you throw a ball up in the air, my mirror neurons fire the same as yours, as though I also threw that ball in the air, even though I didn’t. I just watched you do it.

So when you’re talking to me and telling me how you feel or what you’re experiencing, I can share those feelings. By hearing your words, my brain can grasp what they mean on an experiential level. You sense this, which makes you feel less isolated with your problems and emotions.

2. Neural Coupling

The second mechanism that facilitates connecting is called neural coupling. If you’re talking to someone who seems to grasp what you’re saying and feeling, you feel in sync. You click with each other. This feeling is rooted in an actual alignment of the two brains neurologically. As explained by Katherine Hobson (2018), it works like this:

A speaker’s brain waves generate a sound wave — speech — that in turn influences the brain responses in the listener and brings them into alignment with her own.

Hobson likens it to dancing with a partner: “Neither person is doing exactly what the other is, but the moves are complementary.” And, the more in sync you are, the stronger the felt connection.

3. The Container and the Contained

This third mechanism is a psychological concept called “the container and the contained.” It means that when you express your feelings to me, I take them in and hold them for you so you get some emotional space and can begin to sort them out.

This is a big part of what happens in psychotherapy. As you unfold your story to the therapist, there’s a transfer of your distress, and she contains it for you as you work it through. It relieves your feeling of carrying the burden alone.

Now let’s look at how talking helps you deal with emotional pain and trauma.

Reducing Emotional Pain and Gaining Insight

Talking involves labeling your emotions with words, which has the effect of organizing and creating a structure for your thoughts and feelings. You effectively begin to reduce your emotional reactivity and think analytically about what’s going on.

The more you tell your story or narrative of a traumatic event, the more you move through the various stages of healing until you eventually find a place for it that no longer plagues you.

It’s like washing a piece of dark cloth over and over in hot water and soap until eventually it’s a pale grey. The shadow is still there, but it’s considerably diluted and no longer has the impact it once had. You can fold the cloth and put it in your dresser drawer. It remains, but it’s no longer within view.

Talking out your problems also has physiological benefits. It’s been shown to reduce visits to the doctor and increase overall immune response. We carry our stress in our bodies, and over time it can interrupt immune activity and increase health issues such as heart disease, inflammation, immune disorders, skin eruptions, sleep cycles, and mood disturbances.

Now let’s address who you should talk to.

How do I choose the listener?

Can you talk to just anyone when sharing your problems or distress? Of course not. Here are the qualities you need in someone to get the effects outlined above.

1. Empathetic

Above all, choose someone who can understand how you feel and is open to hearing it. The best is someone you can relate to and whose emotional profile is similar to yours. Choose a friend, family member, or professional therapist with whom you feel comfortable.

As an aside, not every therapist is right for every person. Therapists are people with personalities and backgrounds; sometimes you match up, and sometimes not. Generally, a good therapist understands your feelings without judgment and listens much more than they talk.

2. Have the energy and time available.

Does this person have the time and energy to listen? Just ask, and be mindful of how much time you think is needed. You might need to choose a specific time and get their agreement before starting. Maybe you want to do it over coffee, but make sure you set a limit for yourself so the other person doesn’t feel stuck or trapped.

3. Choose someone who isn’t going to take over the conversation.

You could have a great friend who’s empathetic, has a similar emotional disposition, and has the time and energy for you, but can’t listen without inserting her biases and ideas.

If you want to talk about a break-up with your partner but know she’ll take over the conversation and scorch your ex because she thinks that’ll help you, don’t choose her. That doesn’t help. You’re looking for someone who can listen and let you roll it out without interruption or trying to fix things.

When Talking is Not So Good

The Rant!

Everyone needs to vent sometimes, and it’s all right to do that to get something off your chest. You may even need a few rounds to do the job.

However, extended ranting is unhealthy because it increases your level of anger without resolving anything. It keeps you stuck.

Chronic venting is like continually revving your motor and never moving the car forward.

It’s also not fair to the listener. Who wants to listen to someone take off on the same rant over and over? It’s like being stuck in a deep ditch with no foreseeable way of getting out.

If you need to vent, time yourself. Keep it short. Best is to ask the listener, “Do you mind if I vent for a moment? I promise not more than 5 or 10 minutes. I just need to get this out so I can think about what to do about it.” Most people are okay with that.

The purpose of venting should be to move you forward so that you can work with whatever’s holding you up and find a way to either resolve it or let it go.

Venting should not be the main show. It’s a lead-in to a solution, not the solution itself.

Last question: Isn’t talking to someone burdening them?

It depends on the relationship and the persons involved. In most close relationships, there’s an unspoken understanding: You talk when you have an issue, and I’ll do the same. You take turns and welcome listening to each other. This is true of good friends, romantic partners, and family members.

If you have serious problems that require more, seek out a therapist so that you get the help you need and don’t overburden the relationship. Chronic anxiety, depression, or other mood disturbances might require some therapy, or in some cases, medication. That’s up to you, but if you feel you’re burdening someone, ask them about it directly, and you can decide together how to approach that.

Next week we’ll begin a 2-part series on handling stress.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

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_{Ferrari, P. F., & Rizzolatti, G. (2014). Mirror neuron research: The past and the future. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society, Series B, Biological Sciences, 369:20130169. DOI:10.1098/rstb.2013.0169}

_{Hatfield, E., Cacioppo, J. L. & Rapson, R. L. (1993). Emotional contagion. Current Directions in Psychological Sciences, 2,(3), 96-99. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8721.ep10770953}

_{Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007). Putting Feelings Into Words. Psychological Science 18(5) 421-428. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01916.x}

_{Mumford, E., Schlesinger, H. J., & Glass, G. V. (1981). Reducing medical costs through mental health treatment: Research problems and recommendations. In A. Broskowski, E. Marks, & S. H, Budman (Eds.), Linking health and mental health (pp. 257-273). Beverly Hills, CA: Sage.}

_{Pennebaker, J. W., Kiecolt-Glaser, J. K., & Glaser, R. (1988). Disclosure of traumas and immune function: Health implications for psychotherapy. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 56(2), 239–245. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.56.2.239}

_{Stephens, G. J., Silbert, L. J., & Hasson, U. (2010, July 26). Speaker-listener neural coupling underlies successful communication. Proceedings of the National Academy (PNAS), 107(32), 14425-14430. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1008662107}

_{Townsend, S., Kim, H. S., & Mesquita, B. (2014). Are you feeling what I’m feeling? Emotional similarity buffers stress. Social Psychological and Personality Science 5(5) 526-533. https://doi.org/10.1177/19485506135114}

_{Winwerman, L. (October 2005). The Mind’s Mirror. American Psychological Association, Vol 36, No. 9. https://www.apa.org/monitor/oct05/mirror}