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Sometimes asking for what you want isn’t easy. It can get complicated. It depends on what it is, its importance, and who you’re asking.

Today we’re going to go over the factors that get in the way and how to handle them, along with some basic strategies you can use to make your requests stronger, more precise, and more likely to get a favorable response.

Let’s start with five psychological factors.

Five Things to Consider Before You Ask

1. Clarity

What exactly are you asking for?

You can’t successfully get a response if you don’t first know clearly what you want and why you want it.

There are two types of requests. Knowing about these will help you sort out what you want. They are:

1. Acknowledgment
2. Action

There’s a request in every communication, and that request is for acknowledgment. When talking to someone, you want some indication that they heard you. This is true whether you’re asking for something specific or just chatting.

If you walk into a room and say hello to someone, you expect some acknowledgment – either they say hello back, nod, or indicate they heard you speak.

There’s a request in your “hello.” If no one looks up, speaks, or indicates you’ve entered the room and spoken, you feel rejected and likely invisible. Your unspoken request for acknowledgment has been denied.

If you walk into the room and say hello, followed by a request for help to figure out a financial statement you’re working on, you’ve asked for both acknowledgment and action.

All this means is that when thinking about what you’re requesting, know how much of what you want is acknowledgment and how much is action. What specifically do you want? You need to be committed to that before you can ask. If you’re wishy-washy and aren’t committed to what you’re asking for, you’ll likely get a lukewarm or mixed response.

2. Believing

Do you believe you deserve what you’re asking for?

If you don’t, that will come across.

Have you had someone ask you something and then qualify it by saying, “You probably don’t have time for that,” or maybe “I shouldn’t ask,” or perhaps they avoid eye contact, fidget around, and look like they’re ready to dash for the door?

If you really think you shouldn’t ask, then don’t. But if that’s just another way of saying you don’t deserve what you’re asking for, you should think that through before asking.

It’s important to feel confident that you deserve what you’re asking for and not asking for too much. Your confidence will help to get a positive response or at least more conversation about what you need.

3. Cost

What’s it going to cost you?

If the request is simple, there may be no immediate cost.

If you ask your partner when he goes into the kitchen to bring you a soda on the way back to the living room, there’s no immediate cost. There is an expectation, however, that you’ll both do little things for each other like that when requested.

If you ask to be chosen to chair a committee working on a philanthropic project, the cost will be the time, work, and effort you’ll need to put in.

If you want your partner to agree to remodel your kitchen, the cost will be losing a place to cook and prepare meals for the time it takes to get the work done.

There’s always a cost. Know that before asking.

4. Expectations

Are your expectations too narrow?

Strangely, sometimes what you ask for, you get, but not in the way you imagined it. It comes from another source, much later, or as part of something better than your original request. You have to have some faith. And you may need to ask more than once.

5. Fear

What might you be afraid of?

Possibilities are fear of:

• Rejection.
• Getting what you want and it not living up to your expectations.
• Having to pay the price for getting it.
• Making a mistake and asking for the wrong thing.
• Not getting it in the time you need it.

Consider all these and do your homework as best you can, but once you feel confident in your request, don’t let fear keep you from asking.

If you’ve carefully considered your true wants, the price of getting it, and your expectations, and you still want to go forward, then go. You can always make changes. Don’t get into an all-or-nothing mindset.

How to Ask

Now let’s go through strategies that will get you the best results.

1. Be clear and direct.

No matter the request, be direct. Spell it out and say exactly what you want, when you want it, and how you want it. Avoid hinting, and don’t leave anything dangling that confuses the other person about what you’re asking. By all means, don’t expect someone to read your mind, even if it’s your partner who knows you well. Make your requests as straightforward as possible. Directness builds trust.

2. Ask with confidence.

Be concise and avoid offering a defense for what you’re asking. Sometimes people get defensive when asking for something before anyone questions their request or desire. Obviously, if you ask for a raise at work, you’ll want to give a concise summary of why you deserve it, but even then, be careful to keep any hint of defensiveness out of it.

3. Be specific.

Global questions get poor responses. They’re fine for open discussions or philosophical debates, but you need to be specific to get something specific. Spell out any pertinent details.

4. Assess receptivity.

Consider who you’re asking and what you think the level of receptivity will be. What might they need to know, and will they be interested in helping? You may also know upfront what you could reciprocate that would feel like a win-win to everyone.

I’m not suggesting you manipulate, but rather be mindful of the person you’re asking and how they might receive your request. Above all, be respectful even if the answer is no.

5. Choose a good time.

As much as you can, select a good time to make your request.

For example:

• Asking your partner to help you solve a messy problem before you both retire for the night is terrible timing.
• Asking your boss for a raise when he’s preparing for an important talk is also poor timing.

Other considerations are don’t approach someone when they’re distracted, overly tired, or overwhelmed. For important requests, ask ahead when a good time would be to discuss your request.

When You Get a “No”

When you get turned down, take some time to regroup and ask yourself these questions:

• What might I do instead? What are the alternatives?
• Is there someone else I can ask or another source of help for what I need?
• Should I let this go for now and wait and see what develops?
• Might I ask again at a later time?
• Are there some steps I can take on my own to work toward the goal I want to achieve?

There isn’t always an immediate solution. Sometimes you need to have faith that what you want (if it’s something that’s good for you), will come around in its own time. That doesn’t mean you give up. It means you keep yourself open to unexpected developments that push you in the right direction.

Sometimes taking small steps brings on those bigger payoffs.

Asking gets the ball rolling, even if it rolls in a different direction than you thought it would.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

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Have you ever given someone the “silent treatment?” Or been on the receiving end of it? I confess that I can say yes to both questions, and based on statistics, most of us can say the same.

According to a study done in 1997, 70% of US citizens admitted to having received the silent treatment from their partners, and slightly less admitted to using it (Faulker et al., 1997).

You might think it’s not a big deal, but the effects are painful and long-lasting depending on how much and for what purposes it’s used.

That’s what we’re focusing on today. I’ll start with a definition and description.

What is the “silent treatment”?

All the definitions have the same essential elements:

The “silent treatment” is the intentional refusal to communicate, interact, connect, or acknowledge someone who’s attempting to make contact with you.

The most common behaviors used when giving the silent treatment are:

• Avoiding eye contact
• Not speaking except in monosyllables
• Engaging in other activities as though you don’t exist
• Being friendly and welcoming with other people in your presence
• Walking behind or in front of you
• Avoiding touching of any kind
• Retreating to other rooms in the house if you’re home together
• Opting out of regular activities such as eating together, watching TV, doing chores
• Avoiding any attempt on your part to communicate about what’s happening (stonewalling)

The silent treatment can make you feel:

• Invisible, unimportant, or scorned.
• Like you need to walk on eggshells.
• That you’re being punished.
• In limbo because you have no idea when it will end.

It sounds awful, doesn’t it? It is, but there are some distinctions that can help you navigate it when it happens. It boils down to why someone withdraws and becomes silent. What’s the intended purpose? Some intentions are rather devastating, and some aren’t.

The Not So Bad – A Defensive Tactic

Overwhelm. If you’re in a situation or discussion that’s emotional, heated, confusing or all of the above, you could become overwhelmed to the point that you can’t make sense of what’s happening. You might shut down or become quiet in those cases because continued interaction will go nowhere or worsen things.

At those times, becoming silent isn’t an act of maliciousness or manipulation. It’s more an act of survival.

Anger. You feel triggered by something that leads to anger or rage. If you keep talking, things will get out of hand, so you retreat and avoid conversation and interaction until your anger subsides and you have a cool head.

Protect yourself from abuse. You sense that you’re treading into dangerous territory, so you become quiet to avoid being abused or hurt.

Avoidance of emotional issues. You aren’t recognizing or dealing with long-term emotional or psychological problems that push you to shut down, seek seclusion, and avoid contact.

In all of these cases, the purpose is to manage emotions – either your own or the other person’s.

The Bad – A Power Play

The harmful aspects of using silent treatment involve the intent to exercise power. By withdrawing, ignoring, disconnecting, and disdaining, silent treatment becomes a means of:

1. Control
2. Punishment
3. Manipulation

This type of silent treatment leaves you feeling cut off and helpless. Worse, you don’t always know what set the other person off.

Kipling Williams, who has studied “ostracism,” found in his many interviews that people receiving silent treatment from their partners or parents often didn’t know what had caused it. Those who did know said that, in many cases, it was something relatively trivial and had no real negative consequences.

Sometimes the silent treatment went on for days and ended as if nothing had happened, and everyone returned to their everyday interactions.

For others, it ended when the targeted person apologized, usually without knowing what they were apologizing for.

In other cases, silent treatment was a clear act of manipulation to get someone to do something and ended when the victim consented.

The Effects

Some of the most notable effects of receiving the silent treatment are:

• Self-doubt
• Reduced self-esteem
• Isolation and loneliness
• Anxiety
• Depression and sadness
• Physiological distress (digestive problems, eating disturbances, migraines, lowered immunity, sexual dysfunction, sleep disturbances)

Research has shown that in addition to the above, one of the things that makes silent treatment so hard to deal with is its ambiguity.

You may not know why it’s happening, you don’t know when it will end, and you have no avenue to take action to move it along.

Many victims of long-term silent treatment said they preferred being beaten rather than ignored. At least that’s contact!

You’ve heard people say, “I’d rather you yell at me than get quiet and ignore me.”

The effects are powerful.

Being ostracized attacks our biological and psychological need for connection, acceptance, and love. Blatant disregard and rejection create significant emotional pain, especially when expressed silently. You feel ghosted, dismissed, diminished, and vulnerable all at the same time.

Research has shown that the area of the brain that’s activated during physical pain, the anterior cingulate cortex, is also activated when enduring social pain, especially ostracism (Eisenberger, N. & Lieberman, M., 2004).

One example given by Williams in his interviews was of a woman who felt intense pain in the left side of her chest during periods of enduring the silent treatment (Williams, 2002).

Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realize the emotional or physical harm that is being done.

What to Do

1. Say you need space.

When you need to withdraw, say it. Let the other person know you need space and time to get your thoughts and emotional equilibrium back to normal. Let them know you’re not ignoring them on purpose, but need some time away.

2. Don’t use the silent treatment as a means of solving problems.

If you have an issue or problem with someone, approach it directly by talking about it. Withholding yourself isn’t a good management tool. It will make things worse and do permanent damage.

3. Set boundaries on unacceptable behavior.

Whether it’s your partner, parent, child, friend, or work colleague, let them know firmly that being given the silent treatment isn’t okay. Tell them how it makes you feel and how to approach you better. Don’t allow yourself to be controlled or manipulated by it.

4. Help reframe silent treatment as needed time.

If someone’s upset and needs time away from you yet doesn’t or can’t say it, say it for them. “It seems like you need time to get your thoughts and feelings together. I understand that. I’ll leave you to yourself until you say otherwise.”

5. Don’t let problems hang on indefinitely.

Many silent treatment episodes occur when you feel helpless to resolve something or are angry about something that’s happened repeatedly. Seek help if you can’t work out the issue on your own.

What if you’re in the habit of using the silent treatment?

If you know you use the silent treatment for any of the reasons described, replace it with some of the suggestions I’ve outlined above. If you can’t control it, seek therapy to help you work through the underlying issues that still impact your current behavior.

Seek therapy also if you’re in a pattern of avoiding contact with people in general and secluding yourself. We all have people we avoid and likely have good reasons for that, but avoidance across the board isn’t healthy.

Believe it or not, research has also revealed that once you get used to giving the silent treatment, it’s rather addictive (Williams, 2002). All the more reason to get some help to break the cycle.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

_{Agarwal, S. & Prakash, N. (2022). Psychological costs and benefits of using silent treatment. Journal of Research in Humanities and Social Science 10(4), 49-54. https://www.questjournals.org/jrhss/papers/vol10-issue4/Ser-3/H10044954.pdf}

_{Eisenberger, N. I. (2012 Feb). The neural bases of social pain: Evidence for shared representations with physical pain. Psychosomatic Medicine, 74(2), 126-135.  DOI: 10.1097/PSY.0b013e3182464dd1}

_{Eisenberger, N. I. & Lieberman, M. D. (2004 Jul). What rejection hurts: A common neural alarm system for physical and social pain. Trends in Cognitive Science, 8(7), 294-300.  DOI: 10.1016/j.tics.2004.05.010}

_{Faulkner, S., Williams, K., Sherman, B., & Williams, E. (1997, May). The “silent treatment”: Its incidence and impact. Paper presented at the 69th annual meeting of the Midwestern Psychological Association, Chicago.}

_{Onoda, K., Okamoto, Y., Nakashima, K., Nittono, H., Yoshimura, S., Yamawaki, S., Yamaguchi, S., & Ura, M. (2010 Dec). Does low self-esteem enhance social pain? The relationship between trait self-esteem and anterior cingulate cortex activation induced by ostracism. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 5(4), 385-391. DOI: 10.1093/scan/nsq002}

_{Schrodt, P. (2014 Jan). A meta-analytical review of the demand/withdraw pattern of interaction and its associations with individual, relational, and communicative outcomes. Communication Monographs 81(1). DOI:10.1080/03637751.2013.813632}

_{Sommer, K. L., Williams, K. D., Ciarocco, N. J., & Baumeister, R. (2001 Dec). When silence speaks louder than words: Explorations into the intrapsychic and interpersonal consequences of social ostracism. Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 23(4), 225-243. DOI:10.1207/S15324834BASP2304_1}

_{Stritof, S. (2022 October 31). What couples should know about the silent treatment: How to know when silence is abusive. Very Well Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/married-couples-silent-treatment-2303421}

_{Williams, K. D. (2002). Ostracism: The Power of Silence. The Guilford Press.}

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Positive thinking is in vogue right now, and whether you buy into it or not, there is some scientific backup for why using positive language and thinking is beneficial.

Today I’m going to summarize what the studies tell us and offer some ideas of how you can use this information to your benefit to regulate your emotions and navigate adverse events when they arise.

A quick caveat: I don’t believe you should ever suppress negative emotions. Let them rise, and allow yourself time to feel them out. But then, use a mindful approach to help you decide how best to respond.

Okay, let’s start with how negative language affects your brain.

Your Brain’s Negative Radar

When you hear and focus on negative words and thoughts, there’s an increase in the activity in your amygdala, which is the part of the brain that sounds the alarm for danger. It’s like the red alert on a spaceship.

When this happens, there’s a release of stress-producing hormones (like cortisol) that interfere with the functions of your thinking brain (the neocortex), where executive tasks like logic, analysis, impulse control, language processing, and communication take place.

In more impressive language:

“The more you stay focused on negative words and thoughts, the more you can actually damage key structures (in your brain) that regulate your memory, feelings, and emotions (Newberg & Waldman, 2012).”

It’s important to note that not only are more stress chemicals released in your brain when focused on negative content, but they’re also released in the brains of anyone listening to you.

Negative Thinking is Self-Perpetuating

Negative thinking leads to more negative thinking. The more you’re exposed to it, either your own or someone else’s, the more negative thoughts you’ll have. It takes on a life of its own, partly because we have a natural negativity bias which, when fed, will run rampant, and partly because of how the brain works.

When you engage in repetitious thought trains, your brain accommodates you by creating neural pathways to make it easier. And the more you do it, the more these pathways strengthen and become resistant to change.

So even if you try to increase your positive thoughts, your brain still defaults to the negative when you’re not consciously controlling where your mind goes.

The danger is that you can find yourself chronically focusing on everything that’s wrong without realizing you’re doing it. Your perception narrows to the degree that you miss what’s going right.

What we focus on snowballs because our brains are getting the signal that that’s where we want to go and stay. Neuron paths are helpful, but not if the captain isn’t aware of where he’s steering the ship.

Fearful Words Lead to Fight-Flight-or-Freeze

Words that bring on a “fear response” have special power because of the amygdala’s sensitivity to perceived danger. “Fear” words set us on edge and stimulate fear-laden fantasies.

They send us into fight-flight-or-freeze mode. You start ruminating and worrying about what’s ahead. You devise worst-case scenarios and anxiously create strategies to counteract what you think might happen, all the time fearing you won’t be able to handle it.

We’re worry machines. And worry can either catapult you into frenetic, uninformed actions with negative consequences or immobilize you so you take no action.

The Power of Hostile Language

Like fear-based words, hostile language has its own particular category of destruction. Studies have shown hostile language to disrupt the activity of specific genes involved in producing neurochemicals that protect us from physiological stress.

Children consistently exposed to hostile language growing up may be more susceptible to anxiety and depression as adults and have less capacity to fend them off.

The Neurological Power of Positive Language

Now comes an important recognition:

Our brains respond to our fantasies ( thoughts, ruminations, and words) as though they’re real, regardless of whether they’re positive or negative. And the harder we focus in a direction, the more power it has over our emotional status.

You can use this to your advantage. If you tip your focus toward the positive through repetitive thinking and language, your brain will help you counteract a bias toward negativity. That doesn’t mean denying or suppressing natural negative responses to painful situations: it means using your brain’s power to extract what you need from them, work them through, and then let them go.

Here are some specific benefits of using positive language.

1. It produces calm and relieves stress.

If you focus on positive words or images, the emotional centers in your brain (amygdala) calm down.

A study conducted by Herbert Benson’s team discovered that the “repetition of personally meaningful words can actually turn on stress-reducing genes” (Dusek et al., 2008). They had participants go through a short series of breathing and relaxation exercises followed by 20 minutes of repeating a word or short phrase associated with feelings of serenity, peacefulness, or joy.

Within eight weeks, there was an alteration of stress-reducing genetic expression. This process is similar to Transcendental Meditation, also researched by Herbert Benson.

Most interesting is that recent studies have shown that meditative exercises like the one above will increase the thickness of your neocortex and shrink the size of your amygdala.

2. Moves you toward taking action.

When you focus on a positive or optimistic thought, you stimulate activity in the frontal lobe where there’s a connection between specific language centers and the motor cortex that moves you to act (Newberg, Waldon, 2012).

In other words, positive self-talk helps you break out of emotional paralysis and take action.

3. Changes how you perceive yourself and others.

Other brain changes in the parietal lobe affect your perceptions of yourself and others with whom you interact. A positive orientation will lead you to see the good in others and yourself. Conversely, a negative self-image and orientation will lead to criticism, doubt, wariness, and seeing the worst in others.

How You Can Use This Information

Don’t suppress negative emotions. Take a mindful approach and observe without acting on them. Let them come up, feel them, and then step back and view them from a distance.

Next, consider options for action that will use your emotions to propel you where you want to go. Sometimes the action is simply shifting your attention to something more productive. Other times it may be seeing the hidden benefits of a negative experience. You may have learned a valuable lesson or had to pivot in a new direction.

Watch your language, especially words that promote fear, hostility, anger, and discord. We’ve become a very emotive culture and sling the f-bomb like it’s a love tap, but words carry a pulse of energy that shoots out and is felt by the receiver as well as by you. Be mindful of what you’re radiating with your words.

Try any and preferably all of these ideas:

• Do a gratitude journal daily.
• Start a meditation practice and stick with it.
• When you catch yourself ruminating or having a negative conversation in your head, stop yourself and ask if there’s some action you need to take or if you’re just complaining and need to refocus on something more productive.
• Google “positive words” and start expanding your positive vocabulary. Just reading over such a list will put you in a better mood.
• Monitor your consumption of negative media.

Last Thought

Positive and negative are two poles on the same continuum. You can’t have one without the other, but you can decide how to use them. Your brain will follow along with what you tell it. Just be sure you’re taking advantage of that power in your choice of words, thoughts, and actions.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

_{Dusek, J. A., Out, H. H., Wohlhueter, A. L., Bhasin, M, Zerbini, L. F., Joseph, M. G., Benson, H., & Libermann, T. A. (2008, July 2). Genomic counter-stress changes induced by the relaxation response. PLoS One, 3(7), e2576. DOI: 10.1371/journal.pone.0002576}

_{Alia-Klein, N., Goldstein, R. Z., Tomasi, D., Zhang. L., Fagin-Jones, S., Telang, F., Wang, G. J., Fowler, J. S., & Volkow, N. D. (2007 Aug.). What is in a word? No versus yes differentially engage the lateral orbitofrontal cortex. Emotion 7(3), 649–59. DOI: 10.1037/1528-3542.7.3.649}

_{Brummett B. H., Helms M. J., Dahlstrom W. G., & Siegler I. C. (2006 Dec). Prediction of all-cause mortality by the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory Optimism-Pessimism Scale scores: Study of a college sample during a 40-year follow-up period. Mayo Clinic Proceedings, 81(12), 1541–44. DOI: 10.4065/81.12.1541}

_{Fossati, P., Hevenor, S. J., Graham, S. J., Grady, C., Keightley, M. L., Craik, F., & Mayberg, H. (2003 Nov). In search of the emotional self: An fMRI study using positive and negative emotional words. American Journal of Psychiatry, 160(11), 1938–45. DOI: 10.1176/appi.ajp.160.11.1938}

_{Jirak, D., Menz ,M. M., Buccino, G., Borghi, A. M., & Binkofski, F. (2010 Sep). Grasping language—A short story on embodiment. Consciousness and Cognition,19(3), 711–20. DOI: 10.1016/j.concog.2010.06.020}

_{Newberg, A. & Waldman, M. R. (2012). Words Can Change Your Brain. Penguin Publishing Group.}

_{Seligman M. E., Steen T. A., Park, N., & Peterson, C. (2005 Jul-Aug) Positive psychology progress: empirical validation of interventions. American Psychologist, 60(5), 410–21. DOI: 10.1037/0003-066X.60.5.410}

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A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a blog called  2 Things That Help Relationships Flourish. The two things were “expressing appreciation” and “showing interest.” Today I’ll continue with a third thing, and that’s “how to have your partner’s back.”

To get into this subject, let’s backtrack a little and talk about some universal needs we all have. It’ll make more sense to you if we start there.

What We All Need

Imagine the apocalypse happened, and you were the only person left on Earth.

Let’s assume everything is still the way it was, except that all the people and animals are gone. You have what you need to live.

Let’s say you even enjoyed the quiet and lack of conflict or worries for a moment.

Sooner or later, and likely sooner, you would feel the aloneness of the situation, and over time it would become excruciating.

There’s a reason for that. No matter how much you might like to be alone, we’re genetically wired for relationships and need other people. Even the hermit knows that others exist and that he’s not alone in the world.

We need each other for basic survival, but also for companionship, love, support, intellectual interchange, and conversation.

We need someone else to witness our lives and existence. It validates us. We want to be known, understood, and loved.

We can only get all of this from relationships, especially intimate relationships, whether they’re romantic, familial, or friendships.

Trust

When you engage in an intimate relationship, you make yourself vulnerable to the other person’s perceptions and feelings about you. It’s a leap of trust.

You want to know that person has your back and all that implies.

And there’s the question:

What exactly does that imply?

We take it for granted, and a lot of what people do with and to each other in intimate relationships does not have the other person’s back. Sometimes not even with any malintent, but yet we do things that aren’t in each other’s best interest.

So it helps to define what having the other person’s back means. Let’s do that now.

The Quick List

The quick list includes the obvious things we all know: Being honest, loyal, trustworthy, kind, considerate, responsible, dependable, and caring.

In more depth, having someone’s back means knowing them, accepting who they are, and helping pave the way for them to become more. That encompasses a lot! Much more than people think about, especially as we go through the day-to-day things we all have to attend to.

To truly have your partner’s back, you must take the time and energy to continually explore their thoughts, feelings, desires, quirks, ways of perceiving, habits, fears, and vulnerabilities, and do that without judgment.

That’s a big “lotta stuff!” But it’s what’s necessary for a relationship to survive and evolve.

Let me get a little more specific.

Go Deeper

Ask yourself these questions about this person:

1. What’s most important to him?
2. How does he respond to stress? What kind of stress? What stresses him out easily or the most?
3. Identify her soft spots. What makes her feel the most vulnerable?
4. Are there specific defenses she uses? What makes her the most defensive?
5. If you were to do something that would make her feel loved, what would it be?
6. How does he respond to criticism? How can he hear what you have to say?
7. What about affirmations? What helps him?
8. Do you know what his triggers are? Where they come from? How they manifest?
9. Does she talk about how she feels, or does she withhold it? What would make her comfortable and allow her to say what’s on her mind?
10. What do you admire about him? What can you say you genuinely appreciate?

And here’s a crucial question:

Are you trustworthy enough to have all this information? How will you use it?

All these questions aim to set aside your “shoulds” and help you openly investigate and accept who your partner is and what they need. That doesn’t mean not seeing their issues or problems, but it does mean trying your best to understand how they see the world, what they struggle with, and where they need help dealing with those things.

The clearer you become on that, and the more you approach your partner from that knowledge base, the more you have their back.

This understanding applies to any close relationship, not just romantic ones. It can apply to parents, children, siblings, best friends, or anyone with whom you’re close.

The Big Don’t: Don’t Break Confidentiality

It’s human nature to talk about our partners to others, especially when feeling exasperated, angry, or fed up. We do it even when there’s no problem just because we like to talk about people. Again that’s human nature.

But it doesn’t bode well for close relationships.

You’re breaching trust when you share intimate details of your relationship with someone outside of it, especially without your partner’s knowledge.

If you were seeing a therapist and talked about relationship problems or issues, that’s all right because it’s part of therapy and confidential. But if you call up your friend to complain about your spouse and reveal things you know would embarrass or hurt her if she knew, you don’t have her back.

This is a hard one because sometimes it helps to talk over a problem with a friend or family member. You have to weigh it and decide how much to divulge, the downsides, and whether the person you’re talking to can listen with an open mind and maintain confidentiality. If you’re not sure, imagine your partner’s reaction if they heard what you’re divulging. That will help you know what not to do.

In general, my advice is the less, the better. If there’s a real problem you need help with, then see a therapist.

Confidentiality is equally necessary for your children, especially your teen children.

I’ve seen many teens in therapy who express their anger and dismay at their mom’s exposing things that go on in their lives to other family members or friends. I recommend not doing that unless you have express permission or you’ve talked to them ahead of time about it. That goes for posting things on social media too.

The Big Do: Practice Emotional Check-Ins

Emotional check-ins are one of the most effective methods of maintaining a close connection.

It’s just what it sounds like:

You ask the other person daily how they’re feeling. It’s more than asking how your day’s going. That’s a good question, but be sure to find out the emotions underneath. It’s like taking an emotional pulse.

It works because even though we think a lot, we tend to evaluate our state of being in terms of how we feel. Of course, some people are uncomfortable with their feelings and don’t like these questions because they want to avoid their emotions, but ask anyway and be genuinely interested.

As someone tells you the “what” about their day, you can comment and say things like “That must have made you feel . . .” and fill in the blank. That way, you’re reaching in just a little and making contact.

It’s nice to know someone’s thinking about you and how you feel. It’s part of the need to be known, witnessed, and understood.

Wrap-Up

Today’s subject is one I could write another 3,000 words on easily, but this is supposed to be a “blog short,” yes? So I’ll stop here. I think you have enough to work with and remember you can use these strategies with different kinds of relationships to varying degrees depending on how close you are.

I’m interested in feedback, so please leave your comments below.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Marilyn Nieves, Courtesy of iStock Photo

We’re a culture that sits a lot, and it’s hurting our brains. We work on computers at our desks, sit and scroll endlessly through our phones, and plop down on the couch at night to watch TV.

According to a study published by the CDC in 2018, about 25% of adults over 18 sit for more than 8 hours per day. Of those, 44% engage in moderate to vigorous physical activity each week, and about 11% sit for more than 8 hours a day and do little leisure-time physical activity. Only 3% sit for less than 4 hours per day and are physically active (Ussery et al., 2018).

Another article published by The Washington Post cited a study concluding that:

The average American adult spends about 6.5 hours sitting every day, and teens ages 12 to 19 spend 8 hours.

Today I’m summarizing some of the most alarming repercussions and the recommendations to counteract them. This subject is a little out of the realm of psychology, but body and mind are closely linked, so it’s good to pay attention to both.

Let’s start with the repercussions.

What happens when you sit most of the day?

1. You reduce blood flow to your brain.

Decreased blood flow to the brain is associated with decreased cognitive functioning and increased risk for neurodegenerative diseases like Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s.

One study followed a small group of people who had day jobs where they sat much of the time. The volunteers came to the lab on three different occasions and sat for four hours. On the first day, they sat and only got up if they needed to use the restroom. The second day, they got up every 30 minutes and walked on a treadmill for 2 minutes. On the third day, they sat for two hours, got up, walked on the treadmill for 8 minutes, and sat for another two (Carter et al., 2018).

In all three situations, blood flow to the brain was reduced while sitting. However, it was restored to normal when walking on the treadmill. But the best results were for the second group, who exercised for two minutes every half hour.

A similar study used 8-hour segments instead of four but measured blood pressure and blood sugar spikes. They found that five minutes of walking every 30 minutes reduced blood sugar spikes by 60% and blood pressure by four to five points (Duran et al., 2023).

Why does walking help?

Because our leg muscles are the largest muscles in our body, and when we’re not working them, they’re not taking in fuel from the bloodstream and not releasing substances that break down fatty acids in our blood. This causes a slowing of our metabolism and increased blood sugar and cholesterol (Field, 2021).

“People with high blood sugar, regardless of whether they are technically diabetic, have a faster rate of cognitive decline than those with normal blood sugar.” (Gupta, 2021, p. 109).

So sitting all day most days puts us at risk for cognitive decline, cognitive disease, and diabetes.

2. Your risk for cardiovascular disease increases.

Many studies have examined the relationship between extended sitting and cardiovascular disease. The overall conclusion is that there’s a substantial correlation between the two, but there are differences about whether or not physical activity, exercise in particular, has a preventative effect. Most say yes, but others say you need to reduce sitting time regardless of how much you exercise (Henschel et al., 2020).

What is clear is that sitting for long periods is bad for your heart, and one study found that sitting while watching TV was particularly harmful.

3. Your memory’s impaired.

Now for memory.

Extended sitting has been linked to thinning of the brain’s medial temporal lobe. The MTL is the region of the brain associated with memory formation (Siddarth et al., 2018).

Our brains mature at around 25 years of age. However, memory starts to erode at age 24. Quite the paradox!

Most people don’t notice significant memory decline until their 50s and 60s, but a slow shift in the mid-20s continues to gain traction over the next few decades. Sitting and a sedentary lifestyle can hasten that decline.

4. Your susceptibility to depression increases.

A meta-analysis of 49 studies focusing on the effects of physical activity on depression concluded that people who were sedentary had a greater chance of becoming depressed as well as staying depressed (Schuch et al., 2018).

In almost all of the studies, regular exercise significantly reduced the incidence of depression and improved mood for those already depressed.

5. You reduce your capacity for learning.

I’ve already mentioned cognitive decline as a danger associated with extensive sitting and a sedentary lifestyle. Learning is a specific cognitive activity that can suffer as a result of sitting too much.

Learning requires:

1. Increased production of neurons (brain cells),
2. Increased connections between neurons (synapses),
3. And protection for the lifespan of existing neurons.

BDNF, or Brain-Derived Neurotrophic Factor, enables all three of these processes. BDNF is a protein that’s been described as “Miracle-Gro” for the brain (Ratey, 2008).

Here’s the important part:

BDNF is released by the brain when we move our bodies, as in aerobic exercise. When you exercise regularly, your BDNF acts to grow new neural networks to facilitate learning. When you sit most of the time, this process is hampered, and learning slows.

What to Do

Let’s go over the specific recommendations. From what we’ve uncovered so far, exercise is the primary recommendation. A second recommendation is to reduce sitting time.

1. Get up and move every 30 minutes. If you sit for hours at a time, you should get up and exercise for at least three minutes every half hour. Exercise can be a quick walk, calisthenics, or anything to get your blood flow back up to speed.
2. Stand more. Stand-up desks are increasingly showing up in offices as people try to reduce sitting time. A key consideration would be ergonomics if you’re typing on a computer, but often stand-up desks are adjustable. If you’re a heavy TV watcher, it’s good to get up during the commercials or at least stand.
3. Do aerobic exercise. Options are walking, jogging, swimming, or playing a sport like tennis. The goal is to get your heartbeat up, take in more oxygen, and exercise your leg muscles to increase blood flow and regulate insulin.

Other significant benefits of regular aerobic exercise are:

• An increase in BDNF to increase learning capacity
• Increases in serotonin to stabilize mood and prevent depression
• Increases in dopamine to promote focus, attention, drive, and impulse control
• Raising your threshold for stress and reducing overall reactivity
• Reducing anxiety

In addition to doing three minutes of exercise per half hour of sitting, you should aim to do at least 150 minutes of aerobic exercise per week.

In this case, more is better. Walking works! You get more protection against cognitive decline and memory impairment with the more aerobic exercise you do.

Other General Recommendations

• Use stairs when you can.
• Park further away from the store when grocery shopping.
• Monitor your daily steps with a step counter and shoot for 10,000.
• Garden or do outside work more.
• Walk on lunch breaks.
• Do strength training.
• Walk around while on the phone.

Do What You Can

We all know exercise is good for us, but time is a consideration. Do the best you can to incorporate any of these strategies, and as always, start slow and build until habits are in place.

An aside – I tried walking for three minutes in my house every half hour while writing this blog. It took some getting used to, but I did get some good effects.:) It cleared my mind and got the blood flowing. Let me know how it goes for you!

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

_{Carter, S. E., Draijer, R., Holder, S. M., Brown, L., Thijssen, D. H. J., & Hopkins, N. D. (2018, September 19). Regular walking breaks prevent the decline in cerebral blood flow associated with prolonged sitting.  Journal of Applied Physiology 125: 790-798. https://doi.org/10.1152/japplphysiol.00310.2018}

_{Duran, A. T., Friel, C. P., Serafina, M. A., Ensari, I., Cheung, Y. K., & Dias, K. M. ( 2023, January 12). Breaking up prolonged sitting to improve cardiometabolic risk: Dose-response analysis of a randomized cross-over trial. Medicine & Science in Sports & Exercise. DOI:10.1249/mss.0000000000003109}

_{Field, B. (2021). How sitting harms your brain and overall health. Very Well Mind.
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-sitting-harms-your-brain-and-overall-health-5202403}

_{Gupta, S. (2021). Keep sharp: Build a better brain at any age. Simon & Schuster.}

_{Henschel, B., Gorczyca, A. M., & Chomistek, A. K. (2020). Time spent sitting as an independent risk factor for cardiovascular disease. American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine, 14(2), 204-215. https://doi.org/10.1177/1559827617728482}

_{Hörder, H., Johansson, L., Guo, X., Grimby, G., Kern, S., Östling, S., & Skoog, I. (2018, April 10). Midlife cardiovascular fitness and dementia: A 44-year longitudinal population study in women. Neurology. 90(15): 1298-1305. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1212/WNL.0000000000005290}

_{Loehngen, E. (2020, September 21). How sitting affects the brain and the mind. Walkolution. https://walkolution.com/blogs/science/sitting-brain-mind}

_{Ratey, J. (2008). Spark: The revolutionary science of exercise and the brain. Little, Brown Spark.}

_{Schuch, F. B., Vancampfort, D., Firth, J., Rosenbaum, S., Ward, P. B., Ph.D., Silva, E. S, Hallgren, M., Ponce De Leon, A., Dunn, A L., Deslandes. A. C., Fleck, M. P., Carvalho, A. F., & Brendon Stubbs, B. (2018, July). Physical activity and incident depression: A meta-analysis of prospective cohort studies. American Journal of Psychiatry, 175(7), 632-648. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2018.17111194}

_{Searing, L. (2019, April 28). The big number: The average U.S. adult sits 6.5 hours a day. For teens, it’s even more. The Washington Post.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/the-big-numberthe-average-us-adult-sits-65-hours-a-day-for-teens-its-even-more/}

_{Siddarth, P., Burggren, A. C., Eyre, H. A., Small, G. W., & Merrill, D. A. (2018). Sedentary behavior associated with reduced medial temporal lobe thickness in middle-aged and older adults. PLOS ONE, 13(4), e0195549. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0195549}

_{Ussery E.N., Fulton, J. E., Galuska, D. A., Katzmarzyk, P. T, & Carlson, S. A. (2018, November 20). Joint prevalence of sitting time and leisure-time physical activity among US adults, 2015-2016. Journal of the American Medical Association, 320 (19): 2036-2038. doi: 10.1001/jama.2018.17797 https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/fullarticle/2715582}

Photo by Kamonwan Wankaew, Courtesy of iStock Photo

It’s probably not news that your emotions can lead you astray. I think we all know that, but some of us put a lot more stock in our feelings than others. This can lead to something called “emotional reasoning,” which we’ll begin with today.

What is it?

“Emotional reasoning” is a cognitive distortion in which you base your conclusions on how you feel.

Despite being a good employee and excelling in your job performance, you feel like you’re not as talented as everyone else and conclude that this is true.

You’re plagued by feelings of guilt, even though there’s no evidence that you’ve done anything wrong. Even if others assure you otherwise, you still have visions that you’ll get in trouble for something.

Your friends frequently ask you to do things with them, but you feel like no one really likes you.

These are all negative examples. Here are some positive examples of using emotional reasoning.

You buy numerous tickets for the upcoming lotto because you’re absolutely convinced you’ll win it, even though the odds are heavily against you.

Someone you meet is attractive and charismatic, and you assume they’re perfect for you! You know very little about them.

You start a business and are so sure it will be successful that you go into great debt to get it off the ground without doing your homework to back up your predictions.

People who engage in emotional reasoning hang on to their conclusions, even in the face of evidence to the contrary.

That may sound extreme to you. It does to me too, but it raises the question, “Are feelings never to be trusted?”

What about gut feelings?

The term “gut feeling” comes from the science-based idea that our gut is like a second brain. The gut functions as an autonomous nervous system like the brain and communicates back and forth with the brain and other parts of the peripheral nervous system in the body.

You’ve heard people say, “I have a feeling in my gut that . . .” or “I’m feeling uneasy in my gut about . . .”

You may have experienced that yourself. I have on many occasions, and I think it’s a fairly common experience, especially for those tuned into their bodies.

There’s some validity to the experience of gut feelings. Sometimes they’re very helpful and lead you in the right direction. However, that’s not always true.

If you’re particularly anxious about something, you can have all the sensations of a gut feeling but what’s really happening is that you’re reacting to fear or anxiety that you’ve created in your mind without any foundation. This is emotional reasoning.

And then there’s intuition.

Where does that fit in? Merriam-Webster defines intuition as:

The power or faculty of attaining to direct knowledge or cognition without evident rational thought and inference; immediate apprehension or cognition; quick and ready insight.

Intuition arises from unconscious or subconscious “pattern-matching,” in which the mind sifts through your long-term memory banks for similar situations, stored information, and past experiences.

It makes connections between all the pertinent information and formulates insights or feelings that pop up in your mind. Sometimes you feel this in your gut, and that’s partially where the term gut feeling comes from.

Here’s how Melody Wilding, who wrote an intriguing article about intuition, describes the process:

When we subconsciously spot patterns, the body starts firing neurochemicals in both the brain and gut. These “somatic markers” are what give us that instant sense that something is right … or that it’s off. Not only are these automatic processes faster than rational thought, but your intuition draws from decades of diverse qualitative experience (sights, sounds, interactions, etc.)

It’s not some kind of woo-woo but is a systematic cognitive process, even though we’re not aware of it as it happens.

However, as another author points out (Hooton, 2021), intuition can be wrong. She uses the example of meeting a new co-worker and not liking him at all, only to like him a lot three months later.

The difficulty is discerning when your feelings have validity and when you’re engaged in cognitive distortion.

So how do we know?

Conclusions made using emotional reasoning don’t appear to come from subconscious or unconscious pattern-matching based on previous experiences and information logged into our memory banks.

More accurately, they come from current issues we struggle with, often as an expression of anxiety when they’re negative or magical thinking when they’re positive. They’re like impulsive leaps over a pile of information we could use to challenge them but instead dismiss or deny.

Intuition and “gut feelings” are more likely to be valid.

Intuitive insights or gut feelings don’t generally arise from wishful thinking (positive emotional reasoning), anxiety, fear, or personal bashing (negative emotional reasoning). They can pop up as solutions to problems, inspirations, new insights, or cautionary feelings.

More importantly, they incorporate years of experience, knowledge, and information that’s packed away on your brain’s hard drive.

They usually appear unbidden and often when you’re quiet or in a mindful state. They aren’t driven by more primal emotions like fear, anxiety, aggression, or lust.

Yet, not all intuition is to be trusted.

Although intuitive thoughts and insights can be beneficial and sometimes even life-changing, there are times when they’re wrong. Just because they’re based on pattern-matching from our memory banks doesn’t mean our memory banks are accurate.

When we store memories, we prioritize those experiences that have the most impact on us, particularly the most emotional impact. This is why trauma has a front-row seat in long-term memory banks.

Even unconscious memories are often those that have the most emotional impact, even though we’re unaware of it.

On top of that, when we store a memory, we make it fit in with our previous memories. In other words, we may tweak it to support our current memory bank. And over time, as we store new memories, we re-work our older memories to fit in with our new ones.

When you understand how memory works, it makes you wonder exactly how accurate your memories are!

So if our intuition comes from putting together various pieces of information and patterns stored in our memory, how accurate is it? Apparently accurate enough that many intuitive thoughts come true or are proven valid – just not in every case.

The advice I found in reading through information about intuitive accuracy is this:

1. Don’t use your intuition for situations where you have little experience or expertise. In other words, having a previous knowledge base lends to accurate intuitive insights.
2. Intuitions are also unreliable for “low-probability” events, like being afraid your plane will crash if you get on it.
3. Last, don’t apply the same insights across different environments. In other words, what seemed to work in one setting, might not apply in a similar situation in another environment – like a highly successful business that works in one city but flops in another.

The Bottom Line

Do your homework when you feel that something is true, whether negative or positive. Investigate and test it out before making decisions or arriving at conclusions. This process is essential when it comes to feelings. If you feel a certain way but all the evidence points in the other direction, then note the discrepancy and reconsider. Weigh the evidence!

Just because you feel it doesn’t make it true. But sometimes when you feel it, it’s very true.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by franckreporter, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Many things nurture relationships, but two stand out. These are appreciation and interest. Regardless of the type of relationship or level of intimacy, these two things, when done right, create ongoing positive regard, deepen connections, and maintain the desire to keep going.

Unfortunately, it’s easy to take our close relationships for granted over time. We have this built-in tendency, or maybe even an unconscious belief, that our relationships should grow and flourish in the background while other undertakings such as work, managing our homes, parenting, and social activities get our dedicated time and attention.

When we do pay attention, it’s often because something has gone wrong, and then we have a lot to say, most of which is negative.

Problem-solving is good and necessary for building a relationship, but nourishing it is just as important, if not more.

Today, I’d like to give you some strategies for showing appreciation and interest to help your relationships flourish and grow, especially your close ones.

1. Focus on behavior instead of personal characterizations.

When you verbalize appreciation for something, focus on the specific behavior. For example, I might say to my partner,

“I really appreciated the way you listened to me rant about my experience at the car dealer today,”

as opposed to

“You’re such a good listener.”

Why? Doesn’t telling someone they’re a good listener feel good to that person? It probably does. But it also sets a bar that has to be maintained. If you’re a “good listener,” you must live up to that title and always be a “good listener.”

Whereas if you helped someone because you listened intently and empathetically to them, you could draw your own conclusions about being a good listener without feeling like you now have a bar set you always need to reach.

It’s a subtle difference, but it keeps the appreciation from becoming a regular expectation. It’s easier for the person to repeat that behavior of their own accord.

2. Use this 3-pronged format when expressing verbal appreciation.

1. Describe the behavior
2. Described how it’s helped you
3. Verbalize gratitude

Going to our example above, here’s a complete expression of it using this format:

“I really appreciated the way you listened to me rant about my experience at the car dealer today. I felt so taken advantage of and dismissed while talking to the mechanic, but you validated that I was sizing up the situation correctly, and I feel relieved. Your insights and empathy were helpful, and I know better what to do next time. Thank you!”

You can see the difference between a statement like this and a simple one like “Thanks for listening!” The first statement feels much more appreciative and leaves the other person feeling good about being able to assist because you’ve outlined what that assistance was.

3. Always acknowledge the other person with warmth and sincere pleasure when you see them.

This one seems like a no-brainer, but it’s easy to get complacent with partners or our kids or people we see all the time.

Your spouse comes home from work after you, and you’re already absorbed in evening activities. When he walks in the door, you keep doing what you’re doing and maybe give him a “Hi” or “Hello,” but your acknowledgment has no real emotional connection attached to it.

If you’re close and the relationship is in good shape, maybe you don’t feel it’s necessary. However, all relationships need consistent nurturing to thrive.

If you saw a friend in the grocery store, you would likely be much more demonstrative and happy to see them because you don’t see them all the time.

With partners and people you spend a lot of time and live with, make an effort to emotionally connect when you see each other. Look up, make eye contact, and show interest. Ask how they are and take a moment to give your full attention to their responses.

Warm acknowledgment is an expression of appreciation for both the person and the relationship.

If you find this difficult to do because the relationship is not doing well or is rocky, don’t ignore the problems, but try anyway because it can positively impact your ability to resolve the issues that need work.

4. Offer help when asked or needed.

Offering help willingly and cheerfully is a back-handed form of appreciation. It’s basically an expression of “I’ve got your back,” which means “I care. I’m there for you. I want to ease your way.” All of those intentions are felt when you help someone.

To successfully do this, several things are required:

• Your attitude should be one of openness, willingness, patience, and calm.
• There should be no strings attached to the help.
• The motivation should be to provide relief and ease for the other person by helping them with what they need.
• If, for some reason, you’re being asked too often and too much for something, then say what you can and can’t do and proceed with what you can do with the same attitude I’ve described.

You don’t want to be taken advantage of, but you also don’t want to withhold your help because you’re afraid of being taken advantage of.

Just be straight up and dive in with what you can do with a caring attitude.

5. Balance the scale on the good side.

Do your best to verbalize appreciation more than focusing on problems. Dealing with issues is totally necessary. You should never let that go because they snowball over time. But making sure you notice what’s going right, at least as much, will keep the relationship moving in a positive direction.

That doesn’t mean you should stay in a toxic relationship. That’s not what expressing appreciation is intended to encourage or support.

It works in relationships with a basic foundation to build from, and it can have some healing effects on a relationship that’s been neglected and distance has crept in, or negative feelings have taken up residence.

Try expressing more appreciation with sincerity and see what happens.

Keep these three things in mind.

When expressing appreciation of any kind, these three things are essential.

1. Be authentic. Make sure that everything you say is true and something you value. Don’t come up with things that don’t mean something to you.
2. Give appreciation fully and without any ulterior motive. Showing appreciation should not be part of a bartering system. You can reinforce behavior you value by commenting on it, but only if what you say is true and something you would say regardless of the situation. Being appreciative only to get something you want is manipulation. Doing it to enhance a relationship is not manipulation because you have real positive regard for the other person. It’s a fine line, but an important one.
3. Don’t fake it. Saying something just to make someone feel better isn’t helpful. You might have good intentions, but people can usually tell when someone’s not genuine. Stick to what’s accurate and true.

One Last Great Thing

Verbalizing appreciation works in all kinds of relationships, whether intimate or casual. It also has a transformative effect on you. The more you do it, the better you feel and appreciate yourself.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by VukasS, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Do you know someone who has the habit of saying “no” right off the bat when you voice an opinion, idea, or request? Sometimes the “no” appears before you get the words out of your mouth. Sometimes the “no” comes in the form of an argument or counter-statement.

Regardless of the delivery, you feel like a wall’s been erected and the door to get thru to the other side is firmly shut.

However, not every “no” is the same, and knowing the differences will help you decide how and even if you want to respond.

Let’s start with the whys, which I group into two categories.

Category #1: There’s no malintent

Sometimes a quick, decisive “no” is vocalized, but there’s no intent to cause a conflict or personal affront to the other person. Three situations fall into this category.

1. You need more time to process.

Everyone processes information at different speeds. Some people process quickly, and others need more time to connect various aspects of problems or situations before responding. This is especially true for introverts.

If that applies to you, you might quickly spit out a “no” as a bid for more time. A “no” in this case means “I can’t respond adequately this quickly, so I’m not going to buy into something I haven’t thought through.”

By saying no, you prevent any anxiety or overwhelm that comes from committing to something too fast or dealing with it on the spot.

2. You’ve already thought it through.

This scenario is the opposite of the one above. Here, you’re already familiar with the situation based on previous experience. You don’t need to think it through.

Your partner says, “I’m going to call George and ask him to replace our kitchen faucet.” You respond with an adamant “No!” That’s because you’ve hired George before to fix something, and he did a horrible job. You don’t need to think about it. You already know.

3. You have issues with control.

Your parents were strong authoritarians who didn’t allow you to voice your ideas, opinions, or feelings yet overloaded you with adult responsibilities. You felt dominated, criticized, and taken advantage of.

You respond defensively when someone asks for something or proposes an idea that triggers any of those feelings. Saying a resounding and fast “no” gives you some control over being railroaded into something or feeling dominated.

Older children with overly strict parents often feel this way and project their early experiences into adult relationships.

What to Do

The best response in all three Category 1 scenarios is to invite conversation. Instead of debating or trying to convince, step back and explore what’s going on in the other person’s mind.

Case #1:

You could ask, “I’m curious what your thoughts are. What leads you to say no?” Or, you could also say, “Would you consider thinking about it, and we could approach it again after you’ve had some time to mull it over?”

If you know the person well, you could say,

“I know you do better when you have time to think something through on your own before talking about it. I can wait. Just let me know when you’re ready.”

Case #2:

Simply ask, “Why?” This person knows what and why she thinks the way she does. Open the conversation up so she can explain it to you. You may disagree, but you can validate her experience first, which will help the discussion.

Case #3:

Give this person the control she needs. Ask how your request or idea feels to her.

“Did I upset you? What did you think I was saying or asking of you? Did it seem like too much, or was it demanding?” I want to know how you feel and what you think.”

If you ask questions like that, you’ll connect emotionally and be able to discuss the situation productively rather than oppose each other.

Category #2: There’s malintent.

There are three general groups for this category.

1. The Narcissist.

For a narcissist, saying “no” is defensive but is also accompanied by an intent to manipulate, whether consciously or unconsciously.

This person not only says “no” frequently but takes issue with almost everything you say. Their statements and responses are oppositional, argumentative, and inflammatory. They bait you, one-up you, and insinuate directly or indirectly that they know more.

The narcissist’s main objective is to feel superior. They’re competitive, uncomfortable with vulnerability, and won’t allow themselves to be known. They become more oppositional if you try to find equal ground or connect with them. They need distance, and making you feel small or insignificant is a way to achieve that. “No” is a word they love!

2. Stuck in the “Terrible Twos”

This person is captive in an earlier stage of development and doesn’t have a solid sense of self.

Unlike narcissists, they can connect with you but can’t sustain that connection. Your experience with them is push-pull. They pull in, then become overwhelmed and push back out. You feel like a yo-yo, and they control the string.

Being oppositional and saying “no” is their primary method of moving you back out and getting distance. You’ll know them by the frequent use of “yes-but,” which is just another form of “no.”

3. The Pessimist

The pessimist is a chronically negative person who’s cynical about everything. “No” is not a singular response to a particular statement or situation. It’s the whole mindset.

This person lives in a black hole and shares it with anyone in proximity.

Any attempt on your part to lift them out, or to avoid being sucked in, is met with opposition.

A note here: Everyone can be pessimistic sometimes, but the “pessimist” sees it as part of his identity.

What to Do

For Category 1 situations, I suggested opening up a conversation to connect with the other person to move past the “no” and work toward mutual understanding. Most of the time, this works and is well worth the time and energy.

Not the same for Category 2 situations. In all three cases described above, “no” is used as an impenetrable defense structure to prevent connection. These folks are not open to solutions for the most part.

Someone can pull themselves out of these personality ruts, but only if they sincerely desire to and have enough perseverance to work at it consistently.

That doesn’t happen quickly, and often not at all. This is particularly true with the narcissist.

The person stuck in a “terrible twos” mode can make progress with therapy and the right kinds of relationships. However, these folks often present themselves as either ultra-independent or needing to be rescued, and they can easily embroil you in emotional quicksand. It helps to be mindful of when you get pulled into their internal drama and set firm boundaries to prevent it from continuing.

In the case of the pessimist, you’re better off not responding to chronic negations. You only increase the pessimist’s grip on their bleak views, interpretations, and thoughts. Avoid arguments or debates with this person, and be careful not to be pulled into the emotional abyss.

If you’re dealing with someone in your family or a partner, you can voice your concern about the effects of their negativity on both of you and suggest therapy, but don’t get caught up in trying to force it. Take care of yourself.

Be Discerning

As you can see, saying “no” excessively can come from many different places, and there isn’t a one size fits all response for each situation. It does help to be objective and try to see what’s happening from the viewpoint of the other person. If you do that, you’ll know better whether or not to respond and how best to go about it.

That’s all for today.

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by ljubaphoto, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Last week we talked about setting goals and sticking to them. This week we’re focusing more on that last part: sticking to them! And for that, you need to keep your momentum going.

Momentum and motivation are intertwined:

Momentum creates motivation, and motivation creates momentum.

Today’s question is, how do you keep them both going? I’ve got a list of things that have proven to work. Some may not appeal to you, but you’ll probably want to try most of them.

Let’s start at the top.

Organize, track, and review!

Staying organized is a must when it comes to achieving anything. You need to know where you’re going and what steps to take to get you there. Likely you know this already, but how well do you implement it?

Maybe you’re good at organizing but fall short with tracking and review. Last week I talked a lot about this and suggested that you institute a weekly review to be done every week on the same day at the same time. The weekly review is the most effective of all the habits I’ve used to stay on track and keep going. If you didn’t get to read last week’s blog, click here to read it and find out what your weekly review should include.

The weekly review aims to track your progress, refine your system, and make revisions so that your performance will continually improve and move you toward your end goals.

If you don’t track, you’ll have difficulty finishing.

Make yourself accountable.

You might find it helpful to set up an accountability routine involving someone else in addition to your own tracking. You can work with a friend, colleague, partner, or group. For example, if your goal is to go to the gym weekly, having an exercise buddy you meet for each workout will help you keep your resolution. You’ll show up if you know someone’s waiting for you at the gym.

I have an online group I’ve been using to finish a course I’m creating. The group is an outgrowth of a class we all took on creating and recording online courses. Because we’re all trying to do the same thing, we use the group to hold each other accountable and share our problems. It’s invaluable!

Some people use mastermind groups to help them finish something. Others might have community or neighborhood groups. There’s a group of moms in my neighborhood that walk together every day.

Accountability partners provide more than keeping you on track. They’re supportive and cheer you on, particularly when you hit obstacles or find yourself lagging.

Keep your “why” in the front of your mind.

When you start on a new project, you’re excited because you have a vision of why it’s important and what you hope to gain by completing it.

When you meet obstacles, you can easily forget your “why” or push it into the back of your mind.

Write your “why” out. Be specific.

1. What are the rewards for reaching your goal?
2. What will you gain? Will anyone else benefit?
3. What’s your motivation for pursuing this goal?
4. How will you feel when you’ve achieved it?

Some people find it helpful to keep a “why” statement within view – either on a wall poster, computer desktop, bulletin board, or phone.

It helps to see it daily.

Eat that frog!

There’s a well-known book called Eat That Frog by Brian Tracy. I recommended it to you last week. It’s short and sweet and is invaluable. The basic idea is to do your most important work first thing each day.

Ask yourself these questions to decide what to pursue first:

• Which activities are most instrumental in achieving my goal?
• What requires the most effort and takes the most mental energy?
• What thing, if done early in the day, will make me feel good about my progress and free me up the rest of the day?
• What have I been procrastinating on that needs to be done now?

Once you have a list, choose one item at a time, and tackle it in the morning before you deplete your energy. Especially do things that require brain work first thing.

Remember that willpower decreases over the day. It’s strongest when you start and dwindles mid-afternoon.

Focus on weekly goals and use time blocks.

One of the most depleting things people do when approaching goals is to repetitively run the whole list of things they need to do through their minds. When you do that, you keep yourself in a state of overwhelm and mental disarray. You can’t focus.

Once you have your big goal outlined and know what to do to get there, or at least have your direction paved out, let it go.

Focus on no more than three small tasks/goals per week.

One is fine if that’s all you can do. It’s more important to complete a single task in a week that moves you toward your goal than to have ten plates spinning in the air and nothing finished.

Set your weekly goals for the week ahead when you do your weekly review, and put them on your calendar in time blocks.

Use “time blocks” to reduce your resistance to the work. I use them more often than “task blocks,” especially for work that’s harder to do or that I tend to resist. For example, I might decide to work one hour on a graphic design project as opposed to finishing the whole piece. Try it and see if that doesn’t help.

Learn something new.

Learning or improving a skill can go a long way to re-energize you toward your goal.

Today there are so many ways to do this. You can read a book or article, watch a Youtube video, take an online course, attend a class, or work with someone else who’s skilled with what you need.

It’s incredible how a ten-minute Youtube video about something you’re trying to do can make you feel so much more engaged and excited about what you’re doing.

Not only that, but learning something can help you get over an obstacle that’s holding you back.

If you don’t know exactly how to do something, try searching for the information online or reach out to someone who does know. Lack of knowledge is a common reason people stop pursuing a goal. Get help!

Do this when you get stuck.

Goals, especially those that stretch out over time, require sustained effort. You know this, and I’m guessing you also know from experience that sustaining effort is challenging.

When you lose interest or feel stuck, you have to restart your engine. All the above things I’ve listed thus far can help you once you get going, but they may not pull you out of your rut.

When you’re stuck, take any small step you can. Do one thing. Make it something easy, quick, and something that requires minimal energy.

If you need to clean the whole house, clean the kitchen floor. If you need to write a paper, write 200 words. Want to exercise but can’t get yourself to start? Do ten sit-ups. Do something – anything – and then take a break until tomorrow and do one more thing. It won’t take long before you’re back in the swing of it and easily work for longer blocks of time.

Get back on the horse, and it’ll start trotting and eventually galloping.

Last Note

I hope you found something in this list that’ll help you keep your momentum for whatever you want to accomplish.

We are officially in a New Year, and I wish you great success in your goals and aspirations for 2023!

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Last week we worked on five new habits to help create the right mindset for moving into the New Year. This week we’ll continue along this track with a discussion of goal-setting.

Most people can usually set goals with no problem, but maintaining them is difficult. Today I’m giving you a quick 4-step process for developing and keeping goals. These four steps will get you started, and then next week, we’ll talk about how to sustain your momentum and motivation as your do the work.

Let’s start with setting goals.

Step 1: Create your goal list for this year.

For this step, I’m going to Marie Forleo, one of my favorite resources for entrepreneurship, motivation, and business advice. She’s got a 2-step process for goal-setting, which I’ve used many times, and find very useful. She calls it the Purge & Prune process.

Purge

For this step, write down every conceivable goal you’d like to pursue. Don’t censor yourself. Include anything and everything that comes to mind. Marie gives three categories to help stimulate your ideas. These are:

1. Self goals. This category includes anything that falls under the umbrella of self-improvement. Examples might be increasing your fitness level, starting a meditation habit, improving your diet, or getting on top of your anxiety.
2. Relationship goals. As you consider the important people in your life and the general health of your relationships, what do you need to change? For example, do you need to improve your communication with your partner or your kids? Maybe you’d like to spend more quality time, or you want to become more appreciative. Are there significant issues that need sorting out and resolving? Parenting skills you want to improve? List these goals.
3. Work/Profession goals. What are your professional or career goals for the coming year? These can include milestones related to a job, new professional skills you’d like to acquire, or if you’re a homemaker, things you’d like to improve in the management and upkeep of your home. Write it all down.

Prune

You know what’s next, right? Go through those mammoth lists you just made and start pruning them.

You can’t do everything. If you think you can, you’ll undoubtedly wear out early in the game and drop out.

The purpose of pruning is to select the most important goals for this time in your life and make them manageable and reachable. Less is better in this case, but just because you delete many goals from your list for this year doesn’t mean you can’t add them back in later.

Some people find it helpful to prioritize first. You make a high-priority list to pursue and a second list to pull from if you finish some of your goals sooner than you thought you would. There isn’t a magic number, but I caution you to get your list as small as possible to start.

Keep in mind that you can focus better and more effectively if you are single-minded.

Two questions I use to help me decide are:

1. Why is this goal important to me now?
2. What are the benefits if I reach this goal, and what are the downsides if I don’t pursue it?

Step 2: Place your goals in time.

You have your list. Next, you need to break down your goals into specific tasks and put these in time slots.

I use a quarterly/weekly system.

I start by breaking down my annual goal list into quarterly sub-goals. From there, I list all the tasks related to each quarterly goal.

You might want to make the quarterly goal lists all at once, but make the quarterly task lists as you approach each quarter.

Doing one quarter at a time rather than trying to do them all upfront allows for deviations as you see how much time things take. You might need to change some tasks around or even update your goals.

There’s no need to write everything out at once. However, if that’s something you like to do and it’s worked for you, then, by all means, do it that way.

One of my favorite writers, Jon Acuff, uses a one-year calendar that fits on his wall. He writes everything down for each day of the year. It’s erasable, so you can update it. If you’re interested in that, click here.

Next, create weekly task lists from your quarterly lists.

Step 3: Schedule like there’s no tomorrow.

The weekly schedule is cash. I suggest creating no more than three main goals to accomplish in a week and then diligently scheduling what you’ll do each day to ensure you reach those three goals.

It’s helpful to schedule everything on your calendar, including downtime, sleep, meals, errands, and work tasks.

I use something called “focus blocks” for work tasks. I’ll block off a certain number of hours and then list what I’ll do in those hours. I’ve found this to be the most helpful strategy for reaching goals.

There are two methods you can use:

1. Time completion.
2. Task completion.

For writing, I use time completion. If I sit down to write with the goal of finishing an entire article, my resistance flares up, and I find myself having difficulty sticking with it. If I instead write for an hour only, it’s much easier because it’s simply one hour. I often go over that hour, but knowing I only have to write one hour lowers my resistance.

You can choose which method works best for you, and I’d imagine it will vary depending on the project or goal.

One more thing – Be sure to choose a calendar you’ll use and look at that’s easily accessible. I use a Google calendar that syncs across all my devices. I also use “Notes” on all my devices to create daily lists. Don’t get too elaborate with your system. Make it simple.

Step 4: Tracking your progress.

Tracking helps you keep the big picture in mind while ensuring that you do the work. Without tracking, you’ll lose your place and find it easy to opt out.

Since you’ll be scheduling tasks weekly, tracking should also be a weekly event. I’d suggest doing a weekly review on the same day each week and using a written format that will give you continuity in seeing where you are.

I do mine on Saturday mornings. They take about 30 minutes -nothing super long. My format has four sections:

1. Weekly Insights – What did I learn that will help me going forward?
2. Successes – What went well, and what did I accomplish?
3. Revisions – What do I need to revise this week to make my process smoother and more effective?
4. New goals & schedule – What are my goals for next week, and what tasks do I need to list to accomplish those? Write them on your calendar now.

You can read more about this process by clicking here.

It’s a good idea to type or write this out. Then make sure you read it over daily. Doing that helps you stay motivated and keeps you on track to meet your weekly goals. It’s best to do that at the same time every day – either at the beginning or end. It helps you maintain a big-picture view so you don’t get lost in the daily work.

Keeping that big picture is necessary to get you to the finish line.

You can also use this same format for your quarterly goals.

Last Note

If you stick with this four-step process, you’ll meet your goals. You may revise them along the way and likely will. That’s normal and often necessary as you learn new things. Just remember this from James Clear in his book Atomic Habits:

Goals can provide direction and even push you forward in the short-term, but eventually a well-designed system will always win. Having a system is what matters. Committing to the process is what makes the difference.

That’s all for today!

All my best,

Barbara

P. S. Two books I’d recommend in addition to Atomic Habits are Finish by Jon Acuff and Eat That Frog by Brian Tracy.