Photo by suteishi, Courtesy of iStockPhoto

There are many reasons someone might pick a fight, some serious and some not so serious. Either way, if you’re on the receiving end, it helps to have some clue about why it’s happening so you have a better feel for how to handle it.

Let’s start by listing why someone might pick a fight, and then I’ll give you some strategies.

Common Causes

Having a Bad Day

Most everyone has had this experience. You’re having a bad day or maybe in a mood and feeling irritable. You pick a fight, sometimes over nothing, to discharge your negative emotions.

You’ve heard the expression, “Misery loves company?” Picking a fight spreads the bad feelings around, although it doesn’t usually give you any real relief.

Built-up Anger Over Unresolved Problems

When you’ve had the same conversations over and over about an issue without resolving it, you build up anger and resentment. At some point, you get triggered by something else, and your anger comes to a head. You pick a fight out of the blue with the person involved in the issue.

In this case, you’re expressing frustration with an ongoing situation but not directly addressing it. By picking a fight, you project your anger into less significant situations and express it without tackling the real problem.

More Serious Causes

Can’t Contain Your Own Emotions

Some people literally can’t contain their emotions, especially negative ones. By “contain,” I mean feeling and holding them while working them through.

The discomfort of that process is too great, so the feelings boomerang back out as soon as they’re felt. You need to discharge them quickly, and the easiest way to do this is to make someone else feel them for you.

It’s like a game of hot potato – you feel something too hot to handle and quickly throw it to someone else.

This is an unconscious process and happens almost automatically. It’s different than just having a bad day. It’s a regular pattern of dealing with difficult emotions.

People who do this often have a history of painful experiences and unresolved issues that find their way into current relationships. They tend to pick fights everywhere – at home, work, with friends, etc.

Need to Create Distance

Another reason someone habitually picks fights is the need for emotional distance. We all occasionally need time alone, but we usually just ask for it. The person who uses fighting to get it is working on a deeper issue.

Here’s how it works:

You’re getting along great with your partner (or a friend or family member). You feel close and appreciative of the relationship. Suddenly, your partner inexplicably picks a fight, sometimes over nothing, and initiates a conflict that escalates and ends in a standoff. The standoff continues until they feel too much distance and pull you back in.

The whole pattern repeats often.

People who engage in this pattern regularly likely have early attachment issues. If the attachment style is insecure, the person isn’t comfortable with either closeness or distance and swings back and forth between them. As soon as they get too close, they feel anxious and threatened, so they create space. Yet when they feel the distance, they feel separation anxiety and move back in to close the gap.

This pattern is normal during specific developmental periods like toddlerhood and early adolescence but should resolve before adulthood. When it’s not, it becomes a personality characteristic that requires some treatment to overcome.

Define Oneself

The next reason people pick fights is to define themselves. These folks didn’t successfully develop a solid sense of self during childhood and adolescence, and as adults need to define and redefine who they are.

They do this by defining who they’re not. By disagreeing, picking fights, arguing, being a devil’s advocate, dismissing, or projecting, they’re creating boundaries  (like outlines) around themselves, which gives them a sense of who they are. Their “I” becomes “not like you.”

Narcissists do this more subtly with one-upping, disagreeing with everything you say, becoming aloof, being smug, or saying things that provoke you and make you angry, and then watching you calmly with a superior attitude. The message you get is,

“What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you control yourself? I’m calm. I’m in control. I’m more mature than you are.”

They’re defining themselves as better, but underneath all that bravado, they feel like nothing. They’ve created a pseudo-self to cover up the fact they don’t have a real sense of self.

Get Attention

The last reason is to get attention. If someone’s not getting the attention they need or want, starting a conflict will get it, even if it’s negative attention.

Children do this a lot. If they haven’t had enough time with their parents, or their parents seem emotionally inaccessible for too long, they do something provocative to get a rise and bring the attention back to them. In this case, they’ve projected their anger so the parent feels it and reacts. It’s not good attention, but it’s better than nothing.

Adults can use this same behavior when they need attention. Instead of discussing it with the person involved, they project it. They may begin picking at the other person by micro-managing, nagging, or being overtly hostile to get a rise. It does the job.

The Strategies

1. Provide space.

For the first scenario – having a bad day – allow some space. If you know the person well and they’re generally reasonable, you can make an empathetic comment or ask a question like,

“Are you really upset with me or maybe just having a bad day? Is there anything I can do to help?”

If you don’t think that will be well-received, give them space and time alone.

2. Go for the feeling.

Listen and focus on how the person feels. Say something like,

“I see you’re upset. Tell me what’s bothering you, and I’ll listen. ”

Use the four-part strategy we reviewed last week – Listen, Clarify, Verify, and Identify.

For the person who can’t contain their emotions, being able to share the feelings can help diffuse them, although not always. If you’re rebuffed, and they continue to bait you, they aren’t willing to confront their emotions.

3. Opt out.

Someone who needs to fight for any of the above reasons and won’t respond to empathetic concern is telling you there’s nothing you can do to improve things. In this case, opt out. Don’t respond.

Leave the area if you can or refuse to respond, and don’t feel guilty about it. For the person who needs distance, give it to them.

4. Set a boundary.

This one’s similar to opting out but not quite as extreme. You can say,

“I’m willing to hear what’s on your mind, but I’m not willing to fight. Let me know when you’re ready to do that.

A caveat here: Sometimes, you can participate in a heated disagreement with someone without leaving or backing out. That’s not, however, the case with people who make a habit of fighting. You have to consider the purpose. Is this person genuinely interested in working through a problem, or are they simply projecting their bad feelings into you to solve other issues they won’t deal with?

5. Try therapy.

If you’re unsure of exactly what’s going on, and your attempts to resolve it fail, see a therapist alone or with the person you’re having the problem with. Often a therapist can see things you don’t and help clarify what’s happening, which is very helpful.

With all of these strategies, your goal is to avoid being used or abused to deal with someone’s misplaced emotions, yet when possible, to help diffuse or redirect them.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Today’s blog subject comes from a meme I posted recently on Facebook that seemed to resonate with many people. The meme is pictured above.

How does that sit with you? Have you ever been told to calm down when you were angry or upset? I have, and I didn’t like it. Most people don’t.

There are reasons why this isn’t a good response, and today I’ll go over them along with a better way to deal with someone who’s emotionally heated up.

Let’s start with why it doesn’t work.

Why It’s the Wrong Response

When you tell someone who’s upset to “calm down,” you’re saying one or all of these three things, none of which will be well-received.

1. Your feelings aren’t valid.
2. You’re out of control.
3. I don’t want to deal with you.

Those are not messages anyone wants to hear when they’re angry. They feel critical and dismissive. You feel like a child being chastised for bad behavior.

And if you have a history of not being heard, usually beginning in childhood, you’re triggered even more by that kind of response. You might get angrier, cry, or shut down entirely.

There’s a better way to respond.

What You Should Do Instead

When someone’s angry, they want to be validated, regardless of whether they’re right or wrong.

Think about a time you were upset or angry about something. What helped?

For most of us, it’s having someone listen and validate our feelings. Partly, that’s because below the anger are feelings of helplessness – helpless to get the other person to understand what you’re saying, powerless to stop someone from being mean or hurting you, or being unable to get something you need.

It’s not always easy to get to the helplessness. It might be hidden under other feelings like a desire for revenge, disbelief, exasperation, etc.

Why do people picket? Because they’ve been unsuccessful in being heard and taken seriously about an issue. They feel helpless to stop or change something that’s causing them pain.

With that as a backdrop, here’s a four-part strategy you can use the next time you’re dealing with someone who’s angry or upset about something.

1. Listen

Ask what’s bothering them. The simple act of doing that offers acceptance and validation of both the person and the feeling. You’re saying,

“If you’re that upset, you must have a good reason, and I’m interested in hearing what that is.”

That alone will begin to change and lower the emotional temperature because it puts a chink in the underlying feelings of helplessness.

For your part, you want to remain calm but curious. Approach the person with interest and delve into what they’re feeling and why they’re feeling it. Listen openly and let them roll the whole thing out without interrupting. Do this whether you agree with the content or not.

2. Clarify

Once they’ve said their piece, you can ask questions to clarify anything that isn’t clear or you don’t understand. Asking questions without judgment shows that you’re genuinely interested in understanding their point of view.

Don’t interrogate. Ask just enough to ensure you have the whole picture.

3. Verify

Repeat back what you’ve heard with empathy.

“So you’re upset because . . . ., and you’re feeling . . . . I can see how that might bother you. I might feel the same way in your position.”

Or if the reaction seems over the top or misplaced, simply repeat back what you think they’re feeling without judgment.

For example, if I were standing in line at the grocery checkout and the guy in front of me started ranting because the cashier wasn’t going fast enough, I would likely think the reaction was too big for the situation, especially if I’d noticed the checkout process was a tad slow, but not out of the ordinary. I may wonder if something else is bothering him to have such a big reaction or if maybe he tends to be easily angered.

In a case like that, I would just mirror back how he felt, not what I thought about how he felt. I might say,

“So you feel like your time isn’t valued, and you’ve got other things to do besides standing in the grocery line.”

That would likely get a punctuated “YES!”

In this case, I’m just mirroring the feelings I think he’s having without contradicting why or to what extent he’s reacting. And the result is he’ll likely feel validated and leave the store calmer.

If someone’s angry with me, I’d go through the same routine but be more specific in teasing out the emotions and reasons. I’d listen to what’s bothering them, focus on how and what they’re feeling, inquire what actions resulted in those feelings, and empathize with their point of view even if I disagreed.

Doing all that diffuses the anger and connects you. The person feels heard, making them more amenable to hearing what you have to say.

4. Identify

This last one is included in the first three, but it’s good to note it separately because it’s important.

Now that you’ve heard everything, what does this person want or need from you? Was it just to be heard and validated?

In most cases, that’s all they wanted. That’s true of the fellow shopper in the grocery store. He just wanted to be heard and understood.

Other times, especially when the anger’s personally directed, something more is needed. Maybe they want you to help solve a problem, or they need a commitment from you about something. Maybe they’re looking for an apology.

Back to our picketers – they want action taken to resolve the issue they’re upset about. The same might be true for a spouse who wants something specific from their partner or a parent who wants to see a change in their child’s behavior.

Identify what you think is being asked for, and if you’re not sure, ask directly. You might say,

“I can see why you’re upset about this situation. What do you want or need to resolve it?”

A question like that is conciliatory, especially if the anger is due to a problem you’re having with each other.

If that’s not the case and the situation has nothing to do with you, but you still feel like something is hanging in the air unsaid, you can say,

“Did you need me just to listen and allow you to vent some, or was there something else?”

Directness is almost always appreciated and makes things clear so that no one walks away with mixed feelings that linger and come up again later. This is particularly true in the case of relationship issues.

It’s Not Always That Easy

Dealing with anger using the process I’ve laid out usually helps, but it gets sticky when the angry person doesn’t know why they’re upset or projects their feelings onto the listener.

It still helps to go through the four steps, but it may not have the neat resolution I’ve suggested if there’s a lot of confusion in the first place. It depends on how emotionally savvy or intelligent the person you’re dealing with is.

People who are more challenging are those who:

• Are chronically angry.
• See themselves as victims, which colors their perceptions.
• Haven’t learned and sometimes don’t want to learn how to express their feelings appropriately.
• Use anger to create distance, define themselves, or manipulate.

Even so, the process above will highlight some of those tendencies so that you can work with them or, at the very least, avoid getting swept up by the other person’s emotions.

Next week I’ll address people who seem to need to argue and often pick fights or start conflicts.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo bymuratdeniz, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Everyone knows on some level that clutter isn’t good for you. Yet most people think of clutter as something material or physical. It’s the unused stuff you keep around your house that piles up and creates a messy environment. That is one type of clutter.

Another type is emotional clutter, which you likely don’t think about often or at all. We don’t associate the word “clutter” with emotional baggage, but it is and does act like clutter. It’s a type of debris that siphons off your energy and eats away at your resilience. Left for extended periods, it can lead to mood disturbances like depression or anxiety that build up, but you just live with it. You don’t recognize the toll it’s taking.

Today I’ll review six types of emotional clutter that can be debilitating and give you some ideas about how to begin clearing them out.

Think of it as emotional spring cleaning!

#1 Hanging On to Mistakes

Some mistakes are bigger than others. You might be able to let go of small mistakes or errors that don’t have significant repercussions. But mistakes that affect your life trajectory, or those that harm others and create remorse, are much harder to work through and let go of.

Constantly replaying them in your mind with what ifs long after the event’s occurred keeps them alive and prevents you from forgiving yourself and letting go.

Try this:

Pull them out one at a time and make peace with them. Focus on what you’ve done to repair or change your behavior, and if you haven’t changed your behavior, work on that now. You don’t have to forget, but you do have to forgive and allow yourself to move forward. Otherwise, there’s a constant emotional drip that erodes your well-being.

#2 Worrying About What Other People Think

If you’re someone who puts great emphasis on what other’s think about you, you aren’t free to relax into who you are and pursue your interests, talents, and personal assets. You’re too busy worrying about how you present yourself and how others will react to what you do. Someone else’s judgment becomes the yardstick by which you measure your worth.

Excessive concern about other people’s perceptions constricts and keeps you from your true self.

Try this:

Take some time to define your values, desires, assets, and goals. Decide what you truly want to pursue. Make friends with who you are. Let go of people who don’t appreciate you, and befriend people who do – just as you are.

#3 Lamenting That Life Isn’t as It Should Be

One of the keys to mental health and emotional stability is learning to field what comes your way.

We tend to move towards sameness and reliability. Of course! It’s easier and more comfortable for things to move in the direction you want with ease and to rely on what’s going to happen. There’s nothing wrong with liking that, but it’s not how life always is, and staying flexible and making the best of what you’ve got from where you are makes life better.

Try this:

Go ahead and create goals, make plans, and pursue what you like. But at the same time, remain flexible and ready to pivot when something doesn’t go the way thought it would. Your reaction is what you can control and use to your advantage. Keep in mind that sometimes moving in a new and unexpected direction works out to your benefit.

#4 Persistent Anger and Bitterness

Remaining angry and bitter about past experiences and even current situations is a waste of you. The amount of emotional energy you pour into ruminating about what isn’t going right or didn’t go right just holds you in idle and sometimes shoots you in reverse. It also pushes other people away and prevents you from experiencing closeness and love in your relationships.

Try this:

If you’re feeling the effects of trauma and can’t move past it, see a therapist and actively work on it. If something in the present is causing your distress, take thoughtful action to change it. You might need to do this in steps, but getting started will move you toward resolution instead of festering.

#5 Avoidance and Fear

Avoiding things, situations, or people you need to attend to feels like a persistent horsefly that buzzes around your head, then flies off and comes back again. Over and over. It’s an awful feeling.

Sometimes it’s just a list of things that need doing, like a house repair, work assignment, or appointment you need to make. These don’t feel as intense, yet they still hang over you and take up energy.

When the thing you’re avoiding is serious and has a greater impact on you, the emotional drain is significant and can wear you down. These are things like friends you’ve ignored for too long who may feel rejected or a difficult conversation you need to have. It could be checking into a nagging health problem you’re afraid might be serious or facing a bad habit like overspending that’s become painful.

This type of procrastination or outright avoidance creates an undertow of low to medium-voltage anxiety that floats just under the surface but taunts you regularly when it comes up for air. The drain is significant and can leave you tired, moody, and discontent.

Try this:

Make the list, and then start with the easiest thing. Do it and move on to the next. Keep going until you’ve checked it all off. With each item you accomplish, you’ll feel better and gain a little more momentum so that you won’t fall back when you get to the more challenging things.

#6 Relationship Woes

Relationships are messy – even good ones. And that’s because emotions are involved, and they can hurt us.

Emotional clutter that comes from relationship issues falls into three categories:

1. Toxicity

These are the relationships you feel trapped in, which are overall more negative than positive. They undercut your sense of self, break your trust, fill you with foreboding, give you much less than they take, and tear you down. Staying in a relationship like this drains and damages you. This goes for friends as well as partners.

Try this:

For a relationship to be viable and healthy, it has to offer both people more positives than negatives and room for growth. If that’s not the case, think it over or get some help, or if you know already, get out of it.

2. Blurred Responsibility

This is for the caretakers. You take over others’ responsibilities regularly and feel the burden of carrying them. It’s easy to do this in intimate relationships like with partners, your children (and especially children), and close family members.

The responsibilities get blurred because the boundaries are blurred. And the upshot is that you can feel emotionally overwhelmed by worry, overextension, and resentment all at the same time.

Try this:

Give those responsibilities back to the people to whom they belong! You can be a support but not do the actual work. You have to be able to let others learn their lessons, and that’s likely hard for you. But it’s better for you and for them. If you can’t do it on your own, seek help.

3. Difficult Relationships

These are relationships you want to stay in but need work. It might be a marriage in disarray, a parent-child issue, a conflict with a family member, or even a work situation. Your distress comes from not knowing what to do or how to fix things.

Try this:

Therapy is an obvious choice, but you can also research or read to get more information and find ideas you might want to try to improve things. For example, you could enroll in a couple’s course. Or maybe take a parenting class. Books are available for every kind of relationship issue, as are many blogs and articles. Get started so you don’t feel defeated or fall into despair.

Last Note

That’s my list, but there are other types of emotional clutter. If you want to read more on the subject, Google “emotional clutter,” and you’ll find more ideas that might be helpful.

That’s all for today.

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Pheelings media, Courtesy of Shutterstock

When someone you know and care about is grieving due to a loss, it’s hard to know what to say or do. You feel for them, yet you might feel awkward when you first see them after the fact. You might feel the weight of trying to help and not knowing how.

That’s natural. You may think your response must match the weight of their grief, but the truth is it can’t, nor should it.

Today I’ll go over what to do and what not to do in these instances. If you’ve never been in this position, you will be at some point, and it might help to know what to do.

Let’s start with a couple of facts that will make it easier.

Two Important Truths to Remember

1. Everyone grieves differently.

No two people have the exact same experience of grief, even though there might be some commonalities. You don’t know, nor can you know, all of what the other person feels, even if you’ve experienced a similar loss. You may understand their grieving process more because of your experience, but you still don’t know everything they feel or how they’re experiencing it.

2. The length of a grief reaction is unique to the individual.

Some people take longer than others to find a place for their grief. There’s no time limit or expectation. It could be a year or five years, and some people never get over the loss.

By accepting these two truths, you’re in a much better place to respond. Now let’s look at both what to say and what not to say. We’ll start with what not to say.

What Not to Say

Some of these are common mistakes made out of anxiety to be helpful, but they aren’t. Don’t say anything remotely like these statements.

• I know how you feel.
• It’s been a year – time to put it behind you and move on.
• Think of all the positive things about her.
• You have such beautiful memories. Cherish them.
• She’s in a better place now.
• It was her time. God has a plan for her.
• Be grateful you had her for as long as you did.
• I felt the same way when my husband died, but I’m okay now. You will be too.
• You don’t look well. How are you?

You probably cringed at some of those, especially if you’ve experienced a loss yourself.

There are particular things someone grieving doesn’t want to hear.

They don’t want anyone to:

• Hurry up their grieving process.
• Put a positive spin on things.
• Comment on how ragged they look or how they look at all.
• Jump in with their experiences.
• Say you understand how they’re feeling.

None of those actions are appreciated and will leave the grieving person feeling more isolated.

What do you say?

You could say:

I’m so sorry for your loss and that you’re going through this. I don’t want to invade, but I’m here for you if you want to talk. I’ll listen.

When the grief is new, often, people are in shock. Some withdraw and don’t want to talk to anyone. Others need to talk a lot, and their conversation may run the gamut of sadness, anger, helplessness, fear, and defeat.

Those who want to talk appreciate someone who listens quietly without interjecting ideas or opinions, even if they’re meant to be helpful.

When someone experiences a significant loss, they don’t want to deal with other people’s anxiety about how to respond to them. They want time and, if possible, someone who can sit still and hear them.

To provide that, you need to feel comfortable with being unable to make things better. That’s not your goal. Your goal is simply to be there, and when asked to help in some way, do that. It’s also to give the other person space when they need it.

If they want advice or the benefit of your experience, they’ll ask for it.

Above all, don’t minimize, measure, or evaluate the person’s reactions. Let them be. Show acceptance with quiet attentiveness.

How else can I help?

Depending on the situation, there may be practical things you can do. I would caution you, however, not to overwhelm someone with something you think they might want. I’ve known situations where people brought so much food to the house that some had to be thrown out, not to mention the person felt invaded by so many people showing up on their doorstep.

Generally, sending flowers, cards or acknowledging the loss in a simple yet kind way is helpful.

Some of what you do will depend on how well you know the person, how close and familiar you are with each other, and the experiences you’ve shared previously in dealing with emotional issues.

For example, if your daughter lost her husband and you’re close to each other, she might want you to stay with her or come over and help with the house or kids. But if you’re an acquaintance or work buddy, you wouldn’t do something that familiar.

The idea is to offer help that won’t make the grieving person feel invaded or awkward.

Here’s a list of possibilities:

• Take your loved one to necessary appointments
• Help with insurance forms, funeral arrangements, or other immediate end-of-life needs
• Drive the kids to activities or watch them when needed
• Run errands
• Prepare food and drop it off
• Walk the dog or attend to pets
• Do some household chores like laundry or cleaning up
• If you’re very close, run interference with other people who are coming to the house
• Take a walk together or take them out somewhere if they would like to get out of the house

Things to Watch Out For

Grieving and extended grieving sometimes develop into clinical depression. It’s normal to feel depressed, sad, and helpless when you lose someone. You might also feel immobilized or paralyzed for a time.

As I’ve mentioned, there’s no protocol on how someone “should” grieve. It’s unique to each person. However, it is crucial to note if someone becomes too depressed and needs some intervention.

Obvious signs of this are:

• Neglecting self-care and personal hygiene
• Inability to function in daily life
• Withdrawal for extended periods
• Excessive hopelessness
• Talking about wanting to die or suicide
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Other signs of serious mental health issues like hallucinations

If you’re worried about someone, it’s good to encourage them to seek help and do what you can to aid them in getting an appointment with a therapist or psychiatrist. If you’re unsure what to do, speak to a mental health expert or physician for advice. Most cities have crisis lines where you can speak with someone immediately.

Other Things to Keep in Mind

Remember that your job is not to remove the grief. Be supportive but don’t take on the responsibility of the grief itself. That won’t be good for you or the other person.

Be present, don’t disappear, and if the grief becomes overwhelming, aid your loved one to get help.

Other Losses

This blog focuses on losing someone due to death, but people go through similar grieving processes when they lose a significant relationship or experience a catastrophic loss like losing their home.

My family lived in Miami during Hurricane Andrew, and they were traumatized for months afterward. The losses were horrific. My brothers remained and rebuilt their lives, but my sister left and rebuilt her life elsewhere because the damage was too great.

The point is that all the advice given here for grieving can also be used for those kinds of situations.

A Quick Note

Today’s blog subject was requested by a reader. If you have something you’d like me to address, email me about it.

That’s all for today!

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Suchat longthara, Courtesy of iStock Photo

How often have you heard the advice: “Do what you say you will do!”?

It’s good advice because your reputation is on the line when you falter. More importantly, you lose people’s trust if it happens a lot.

But it’s not always easy to do. And sometimes you do it without really thinking about it.

Today we’ll go through how and why this happens and what you can do to change it.

Let’s start with why it happens.

Reasons People Default

The People-Pleaser

People pleasers are in the habit of saying yes, sometimes without thinking. They get focused on the immediate request and feel compelled to accommodate. The need to please overrides a careful consideration of what saying yes will mean.

You might follow through and likely mean to, but sometimes forget that you said yes to whatever it was, and when the time comes for you to make good on that promise, you either don’t show up because you forgot or you make an excuse to get out of it and then feel guilty.

The Avoidant

People who tend towards avoidance may say yes just to end the conversation. They don’t want to deal with someone’s disappointment or explain why they can’t do what’s requested. They especially don’t want someone to try and sell them on something and keep having to say no.

A quick yes gets them off the hook for the time being, and they’ll figure out how to get out of it later or simply forget it and never say anything about it again.

The Forgetter

People who forget a lot tend to make commitments quickly, and then it leaves their minds. They don’t remember and don’t have a system in place to compensate for that.

If this is you, on some level, you probably feel guilty about being this way, yet you make excuses for it and pass it off as “being ADD” or “just forgetful.” You might have ADD, but even if you do, you’ve internalized it as a personality characteristic that you accept and expect others to accept, even when your behavior impacts them negatively. You say, “That’s just the way I am. I can’t help it.”

The Enthusiast

You get excited and enthusiastic about new things, ideas, or activities and want to join up right now! You offer up your time quickly and are the first to commit.

People who do this tend to do it a lot and often find themselves overwhelmed, harried, and upset with themselves for not taking a moment to assess whether they had the time and energy to take on the new thing. Either they do what they promised, but not without complaints, or they have to back out at some point and leave the group stranded.

The Worrier

This one’s a bit like the people pleaser, but the reasons differ. You’re afraid that by saying no, there will be negative consequences. Someone will think less of you, be disappointed in you, or pass you over for someone who’s more accessible. You say yes begrudgingly to avoid the negative feelings or outcomes you imagine.

You might follow through more than the others to avoid backlash, but you’ll resent it on some level. Many will find a way to get out of the situation, or worse, start and then pull back, which usually brings more backlash and bad feelings.

The Unskilled

You lack the skills necessary to complete the task. You commit before evaluating whether you have the know-how to do what you’re promising.

This happens more in work situations where an employee doesn’t want to confess they don’t know how to do what’s being asked of them or don’t want their employer to be upset or give them a bad evaluation. It can also happen in personal situations when you’re afraid to own up to not knowing how to do something because somebody will judge you for it.

The Procrastinator

You say yes to all kinds of things, both to others and yourself, but don’t follow through. Instead, you do everything else but.

Here’s my example: I set out to write a blog and end up cleaning the house, doing the laundry, and calling a friend. Next day, I concoct a revised writing list including yesterday’s tasks, but again, I do other things. A week goes by, and there’s not a single word written.

In this case, I’m disappointing myself. We all do this, and although it doesn’t directly impact someone else, it has an indirect impact that eventually can come back to bite us. If I never got around to writing that blog, you wouldn’t have it on Monday morning when you’re expecting it to be in your inbox.

How You Can Change It

Regardless of which category fits you, everyone can use these basic things to help avoid promising what you either can’t or don’t want to deliver.

1. Use the 24-hour rule before saying yes.

The 24-hour rule means taking a whole day to decide before giving your answer. You’re far more likely to follow through if you still want to sign on after 24 hours of deliberation. That also gives you time to set up reminders, schedule the event on your calendar, and ensure it won’t interfere with other responsibilities. You don’t have to use this rule if it’s a quick decision you can fulfill right now, but anything that will take longer or is in the future applies.

2. Do a cost/benefit assessment.

This is your basic pro/con list to help you make an informed decision before committing. This exercise is especially helpful for the enthusiast who often sees only the benefits at the moment without weighing out what’s actually entailed in terms of time, effort, and energy. It’s also necessary when the commitment will have far-reaching effects.

3. Write it down in a place you will see it.

Even if it’s a small commitment, you need a method set up where you can document the “yes” the moment it comes out of your mouth. I use Notes on my iPhone and write down everything I commit to as soon as I say it. I check it daily, so I don’t miss it. I usually transfer it to my calendar the first time I check it if I haven’t done that yet.

If you’re ADD-prone, you must have a system established to capture your yeses immediately, or they’ll leave your mind until someone reminds you when they get upset because you didn’t follow through.

4. Accept the discomfort of saying “no.”

You can’t get out of things you don’t want to commit to if you don’t get used to dealing with your discomfort in saying no. That might include dealing with someone’s disappointment as well.

Think of it this way:

It’s much worse to make an excuse later on when someone’s already counting on you than to say “no” upfront.

5. Get serious about following through on what you promise.

Isn’t that what we’ve been talking about this whole time? Yes, it is, but you must make it a priority. That means:

• Seeing yourself as worthy of commitments you make to yourself.
• Seeing others as worthy of your commitments and promises.
• Paying close attention to what you say yes or no to.
• Dealing with emotional discomfort.
• Researching and practicing how to get over procrastination.
• Valuing your word.

All right! That’s plenty to work on, yes? We’ll stop here today.

As always, have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by SimCh, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Two cognitive distortions that create anxiety are referred to as the “binocular trick.” They are magnification and minimization. Using one end of the binocular, you see a greatly enlarged image of what you’re looking at. Looking through the other end, you see a minimized view of that same thing.

Both views distort the dimensions and shape of the original. One magnifies, and one minimizes.

The same happens when applied to your thoughts and feelings. For example, you might maximize your flaws and minimize your accomplishments.

Here’s an example:

Jeannie values her friendships and strives to be there for her friends when needed. She recently had to cancel an outing with one of them due to unforeseen circumstances, and even though her friend understood, Jeannie beat herself up with a litany of chastising thoughts about her failure as a friend. She began to think she was a lousy friend and might lose all her friends because of it. Even though the friend in question pointed out to Jeannie the numerous times she’s been available, Jeannie could only focus on the one miss and minimized her lengthy track record of being a good friend.

This is how these distortions are usually applied – the negatives are magnified, and the positives are minimized. But sometimes, the process is reversed. Here’s an example of that.

Your son often drives late at night after drinking with friends, and you shrug it off as “he’s just being a college kid.”

Here, minimization is used as a means of denial. This can be dangerous.

Sometimes it’s more subtle: You minimize the money you spend on credit cards each month and ignore your rising debt. Or you minimize the effects of arriving late to work every morning until you come in one day to get a pink slip.

Here’s one last example that represents catastrophic thinking.

Your husband doesn’t answer his phone while away from the house, and you fantasize with certainty that he’s been in an auto accident and is severely injured or dead. You know that he’s a good, defensive driver and has never been in an accident. Even so, you assume the worst and become highly anxious, frantically calling and texting.

In this example, there is the possibility that your fear could be realized, but it’s unlikely. You’re magnifying your worst-case scenario without considering any other explanation.

What to Do

You can try three things that have a calming effect and bring your thoughts closer in line with reality. Let’s go through them.

Examine the Evidence

Examining evidence is a standard procedure to use with all cognitive distortions. Here’s how to do it.

1. Recognize.

First, you have to be aware that you’re magnifying or minimizing. Magnifying is the more obvious of the two because of the type of emotions it brings on. Anxiety is usually prominent and can be felt on a scale from medium to panic, depending on your situation and perceptions about it. You might also feel fear, sadness, defeat, or anger. Because these emotions are intense and difficult to ignore, you’re acutely aware of them.

Minimization is a little harder to recognize because it can be automatic, especially if you’re in the habit of minimizing your assets, achievements, or strengths. This is also true if you’re using minimization to deny what you don’t want to see. It sneaks in the back door and becomes a chronic habit, and creates an underlying blanket of anxiety you’re not always aware of.

You have to be a little more vigilant to recognize and increase your awareness of minimization.

2. Question.

Now that you’ve recognized you may be magnifying or minimizing, question the validity. Compare what you’re thinking to the facts. What’s the evidence that your thoughts are correct or incorrect? Or, if there’s a kernel of truth, how much are you magnifying or minimizing?

In Jeannie’s case, she could quickly recount the times she’s spent with her friend against the times she’s canceled. She could also consider how her friends react to her and discover that no one’s shown any dissatisfaction with her behavior.

When people catastrophize, they get tunnel vision. They follow a single train of thought and screen out any possible variation or information to the contrary. It’s like a train in a tunnel increasing in speed, so nothing is visible except the point straight ahead.

Minimizing assets is more like lopping off the branches of a beautiful, flourishing tree so that all that remains is a battered trunk.

Used as denial, minimization is like flattening out a rocky mountain range to a bunch of small stones that don’t pose an obstacle. The problem is it’s a mirage – the mountain range is still there, but you don’t foresee the danger of falling and tumbling down.

In all cases, questioning your thoughts and comparing them to objective evidence will bring you back to a more reality-based place so you can adjust your emotions to reflect that.

2. Interpreting the Positive

Another technique explained by David Burns in his book Feeling Great is called “positive reframing.” I like this one because it doesn’t entail throwing out distorted thoughts but instead looking at the values they might hold.

Dr. Burns suggests you write down all of your magnified or minimized thoughts and then stand back and look deeper at them; what do they represent about you and your core values?

In Jeannie’s case, she values:

• Being a good friend
• Reliability
• Showing concern and empathy
• Being conscientiousness
• Following through with what you promise
• Making people feel good and loved
• Showing up

In the husband and wife scenario, the wife values:

• Marriage
• Love and attachment
• Safety
• Protection of those she loves

In both cases, positive values are associated with distorted reactions to situations. Acknowledging those helps to curb the distortions because it frames the underlying qualities that lead you to care in the first place. You want to keep those qualities while simultaneously questioning your distorted thoughts and emotional reactions leading to anxiety.

Now for the last idea.

Watch the Repetition

Once you’ve gone through the process of challenging your thoughts and recognizing the underlying core values, you hopefully will be able to put those thoughts to bed. But sometimes, there are recurring thoughts that come up time and time again.

You don’t have to go through the entire routine each time if these thoughts are simply repetitions of the same old scenario. Instead, acknowledge and take note of them. Dr. Burns calls this “The Acceptance Paradox.”

Jeannie’s recurring thought, “I’m not a good enough friend,” surfaces often. Instead of managing this thought every time, she says, “Well, there it is again.” Then she lets it go for now until next time. By doing this repeatedly, you eventually dilute its power.

If the thought still makes you emotionally reactive and disturbs you, you may need to repeat the questioning process. Still, repetitive thoughts are always the same, and facing them without diving into them will fade them out after you’ve done the first several corrections. Either way, use what works best for the situation at hand.

Last Note

Distorted thinking happens to everyone, even the most objective person. We perceive events through our own personal lens, which colors our conclusions. You can’t prevent that, but you can consistently work to widen your lens to see the bigger picture, and part of that is catching yourself when your thinking becomes distorted.

Exaggerated emotions almost always follow distorted thoughts, so working on one will help keep the other in check.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by LeoPatrizi, Courtesy of iStock Photo

You have a good friend you love to spend time with, and vice versa. But, if a third person is added to the equation, your friend becomes difficult. She might pout, be standoffish, or say things tinged with hostility. Later when you’re alone, she bad-mouths the other person.

It all sounds rather middle schoolish, doesn’t it? Yet it happens with adults. It might occur with your partner as well.

There’s a psychological basis for this kind of behavior. It has to do with “dyads versus triads.” Let me explain what that means, and then we’ll discuss how you might approach the problem.

A note here: If you’re well-versed in psychology, you know all of this already, but if not, this will be new to you, and it’s good to know.

Okay, let’s start.

The Dyad

Two crucial psychological developmental tasks occur during the first 3 to 3½ years of life. These are separation-individuation and object constancy. I’ll explain them in English for you. But most important to note is that both tasks are accomplished within a dyadic relationship, i.e., mother and child.

Separation-Individuation

As a developing infant in the womb, the baby is symbiotic with Mommy. Symbiosis just means they are one. There’s no sense of separation for the infant.

Once the baby is born, this symbiosis begins to shift. The shift speeds up around seven months when the baby can crawl and explore his environment. Eventually, he can walk and stand without support, which is a major achievement. He recognizes that he and Mommy are not the same. They have different bodies and different wills. This initiates the toddler stage.

The toddler doesn’t know this cognitively because his brain hasn’t developed enough to do that, but he experiences it as he practices moving away from Mommy and then running back to her.

It gets into full swing when his desires begin to clash with hers. He wants to do something, and she says no, sometimes resulting in tantrums.

What’s happening is that the toddler is practicing separating and differentiating himself from Mommy but then becomes anxious about it and regresses. It’s an emotional time, and why it’s referred to as the terrible twos.

The process continues and resolves around 3 to 3½, providing the attachment to Mommy (or the caretaking person) is secure. That means Mom’s present, available, and nurturing even as the toddler has his mood swings.

The culmination is that the child establishes a basic sense of self and becomes comfortable with his new-found individuality.

Object Constancy

The second task, object constancy, occurs simultaneously with the first one.

A simple way to get a flavor for object constancy is to imagine what happens when the young child is away from Mommy. A child who has successfully mastered object constancy can picture her face in his mind and feel connected to her even though she isn’t present. He’s internalized her and all she represents to him so that he can function and feel safe when she’s not around. He knows she’s not gone, just not present at the moment. He doesn’t feel anxious about the separation.

Kids usually master object constancy around the same time they complete separation-individuation. It’s not exact, and some kids develop faster than others. But generally, 3 to 3½ is when the dyadic phase expands to the triadic stage.

Triads

During the ages from about 3½ up to 6, children work on becoming part of a triad – Mommy, Daddy, and child. Even if there’s only one parent, children still work on adding in a third person through socialization and relationships with other family members.

If you’ve spent much time around a 4-year-old, you know they’re interested in playing with other kids and like spending time with aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. They have a strong sense of self and now want to explore other relationships. They feel confident enough to welcome a third person (and more) into their dyad.

That doesn’t mean, by the way, that Daddy doesn’t have an essential role during infancy and toddlerhood. He, or the other parental figure, is important.

It’s just that the developmental tasks are being accomplished in terms of a dyadic relationship with one parent while the other parent provides a more supportive role.

The Problem

As adults, we assume everyone’s gotten through these phases well enough to operate as autonomous, secure, trusting individuals. Not true.

Although children continue to grow, develop, and eventually become adults, those unfinished developmental issues linger and influence adult emotions and behavior.

If an adult has not successfully developed a strong, healthy sense of self and mastered object constancy, they still operate as part of a dyad.

A person like this can sometimes successfully feel safe and happy with one person, but become uncomfortable when a third person is present or trying to enter into their dyadic relationship.

That doesn’t mean that couples or even best friends don’t have some boundaries with others or that they don’t have a level of intimacy that is theirs. They do, but secure partners (friends) can feel easy around other people and be welcoming without alarming either of the partners.

People who struggle with dyad/triad problems might become jealous or uncomfortable when a third person enters, or maybe shut down if the other partner enjoys interacting with other people. They might also become possessive or punish their partner by ignoring them and giving overly special attention to others to make the partner feel a loss.

Unfortunately, this happens in families when two parents continually triangulate a child, encouraging them to choose sides between their parents.

What to Do

This problem is not easy to fix because it’s rooted in early relationships with parents. Here are some things to try:

1. Acknowledge the problem.

Acknowledge that the problem exists and is real, first for yourself and then with the other person involved.

2. Explore the emotional repercussions.

Discuss how you both feel when this happens without judgment. Someone who struggles with this problem feels pain when it occurs. They might also deny that it exists. But if they can talk about it and admit that it makes them uncomfortable, you have something to work with.

3. Figure out some solutions.

Next, talk about what you can do to make each other feel better when these situations arise.

If you go to a party and one makes the rounds to chat while the other stands aloof or shows discomfort, decide how you can prevent those feelings before you go.

• You could create a signal to let each other know you need to check in.
• You could make sure to touch each other here and there to reinforce the connection (for partners).
• Maybe you make the rounds together and remind each other beforehand that conversing with others doesn’t take something away from the relationship.
• For two friends, you might decide to make it a project to help the third person feel comfortable and wanted. If you’re doing that together, it solidifies the friendship rather than pulling at it.

Using Cues

The bottom line is that any show of possessiveness, withdrawal, or even hostility comes from a place of insecurity and feelings of loss. If you can keep that in mind for yourself, if you’re the one working with the issue or for your friend or partner, it will help you deal with it.

Offering reassurance is one of the best ways to reduce negative reactions and feelings. This works especially well if you have some cues in place that you both know to use.

Cues maintain the intimacy of the relationship. We use them all the time, but generally in other circumstances. For example, you set up cues with your boss during meetings. You might have cues with your kids to signal that behavior is getting off track. Cues are intimate. So use them.

The Last Thing to Consider

If the problem is severe and you can’t work it out alone, therapy is the best option. Even better is to do both: use the strategies we’ve laid out here and use therapy to deal more directly with developmental issues. You can overcome them, but you must be willing to accept they’re real before you can pursue that.

Resolving these issues will fix many other problems, so the benefits are significant.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by fizkes, Courtesy of iStock Photo

This question comes up a lot because it’s a common problem and difficult to handle. That said, some people have no problem saying what’s on their mind when they’re upset or don’t like something, but not always in a way that’s well received. Others feel timid to voice their concerns or feel guilty, and sometimes even afraid.

Today we’ll go through some basic guidelines you can use that help and also talk about when you’re overstepping.

Let’s start with the guidelines. There are two scenarios to consider.

Scenario #1: You don’t like what someone’s doing that directly affects you.

This is the most common scenario and one you should address. However, there’s a way to do it and not do it. To be successful, you need an approach that doesn’t feel like an attack. Try these things.

1. Use “I” messages only. Never start with “You . . . .” You’ll put the other person on the defensive. Say, “When you do (blank), I feel (blank).” This wording takes the sting out because you’re taking responsibility for your feelings, even though the other person stimulates them. You might think this is just semantics, but it’s more than that. It helps the other person hear you.
2. Explain. Once you’ve stated the issue, you can explain it but continue to use “I” messages throughout so that you avoid a direct attack, even if you think they deserve it.
3. Now offer an alternative. Say how you’d rather they behave or how you would rather it be. What do you want or need from the other person? Again, stick with “I” messages. You’re not telling someone how they should or shouldn’t be or what they should or shouldn’t do, but you are letting them know how their behavior affects you and what you need, and sometimes where the limit is. That’s far more powerful. If the person cares about you, they’ll take it in and consider it.
4. Don’t hold them to an immediate response. The last guideline is giving the other person time to digest your words. You could say, “I don’t expect an immediate response. Take some time if you need to think about it. We can talk more later.”

What if?

What if the other person doesn’t respond well? Here are two possible negative responses.

1. They get angry and blow up.

If this happens, you have two choices: Either work on diffusing the anger or opt out.

To diffuse, you could say,

“I can see you’re upset. That wasn’t my intention. Please tell me what’s bothering you about what I’ve said.”

Let them talk and voice their thoughts. The more receptive you are to what they say, the more the anger will diffuse, and they’ll calm down.

You might find it annoying to switch gears and listen to the other person because, in effect, they’re changing the focus from you to them. However, the goal is to reduce defensiveness so you can return to the issue and have a more reasonable discussion.

You can also opt out. You could say,

“I’m sorry you’re upset. That wasn’t my intention. Maybe we need to take some time before talking about it more.”

Or, if you get an unacceptable counterattack, you can immediately let the other person know you’re not willing to continue under those circumstances. You might say,

“I can see you’re angry, but I’m not okay with the direct attack. Let me know when and if you’re willing to talk. Until then, let’s put it off.”

2. They defend by changing the subject.

You initiate a topic, and the other person jumps in with five other issues. These are called “kitchen sink conversations.” They never work.

In this case, point out that you’re moving off the original subject and need to handle only one issue at a time. Let them know you can deal with the other issues they’ve raised but at another time. Most people will hear that and come back to the original topic. Those that won’t are naturally more defensive. If that happens, refuse to move on and opt out for now if necessary.

Make use of time.

Keep in mind that time is an asset when talking about complex issues. You don’t need to resolve everything right now. If you just get out what you need to say, that’s enough for the first round. If the subject triggers the other person, you can suggest taking time on both parts to think through the issue before attempting to resolve it.

You could say,

“Let’s just try to understand each other’s point of view in this first conversation without agreeing to anything. Then we’ll take a break and return to it tomorrow after we’ve both had time to digest it all.”

That seems to work best for most people. Break it down into two or three separate conversations.

Scenario #2: You’re concerned about someone.

In this case, you’re concerned about the path someone’s going down, or you know their unhappiness is due to avoidance of some kind or another.

There are several things to think about before launching a confrontation or giving advice.

1. What’s the nature of your relationship?

Is the relationship close and strong enough to withstand what you have to say? Is it appropriate to bring up the subject or discuss your concerns?

2. What’s the level of receptivity?

If there’s little to no receptivity to what you have to say, you should think carefully before going forward. You may say it anyway because you believe the other person is headed down a dangerous road. Yet, if there’s no receptivity, or you’ve said it all before to no avail, reconsider.

Sometimes people need to learn things on their own in their own way.

3. What’s your investment?

Usually, when you’re concerned about someone you love or are close to, your investment is substantial. The question to ask yourself is, do you want to pass on your advice or concern to help the other person or to relieve your anxiety about it? Maybe it’s both, but you must ensure your primary objective is what’s best for the other person. Know your motivation.

Guidelines for This Scenario

Once you go through the above questions and decide to go forward, use these guidelines.

1. As in the first case scenario, stick with “I” messages. You can start with, “I’m concerned about something I’d like to run by you.” Or, “I’m worried about something I’d like to talk to you about.” Follow-up with, “This is not a criticism, but genuine concern. Are you willing to hear it?”
2. Be direct, but deliver your message without judgment or blame. If the behavior directly affects you, say how it does.
3. Check in as you go to see how it’s going down. If the person becomes defensive, you can decide whether to push on or let it go for now.

You can always say,

“I don’t mean to make you feel attacked or defensive. I am concerned, but we can let it go for now. Maybe you might think about what I’ve said when you have time to digest it.”

Whatever you decide to say or not, make sure you’re allowing the other person to have the time needed to process it and that you’re not launching an attack.

Wrap-Up

To summarize, stick with these four rules:

1. Avoid attacking or criticizing, even if you feel it’s warranted.
2. Use “I” messages, and if appropriate, say how the behavior in question affects you.
3. Be empathetic, especially for the second case scenario.
4. Don’t expect to resolve everything in one conversation.

I’ve attached a PDF called ​How to Stop Being Defensive​ if you haven’t already seen it before. It provides some extra info you can use.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by fizkes, Courtesy of iStock Photo

A fun and effective way to reach your goals and get unstuck if you’re struggling is to team up with an accountability partner. Doing so cuts through isolation, procrastination, and distraction.

Today I’ll give you all the ins and outs of how to set it up and make it work.

Let’s start with a definition.

What exactly is an accountability partner?

It’s someone with whom you mutually agree to check in regularly and monitor each other’s progress toward specific goals and actions. It’s a partnership to help each other stay on track and get to the finish line. And it’s been proven to significantly increase your chances of succeeding.

“If you make a conscious decision yourself that you want to achieve something, this increases your chances of success by 10-25%. Having a clear plan of how you’re going to achieve it increases your chances further, to 50%. But if you commit to someone else that you’ll do it, there’s a 65% chance of success. This increases to a massive 95% if you make a specific appointment with another person to report back on your progress.” (ActionBuddy.io)

To make it work, there are some guidelines you need to follow. But first, let’s go over how to select the right partner, and then we’ll cover how to set up a structure to get the best results.

How to Choose a Partner

Some people say you shouldn’t choose a family member, but I think it’s OK to do that as long as you have a relationship based on mutual respect and devoid of personal competition. In addition, the following qualities are important and necessary.

Honesty

You need someone who isn’t afraid to be honest with you about your behavior. After all, the whole point is to ensure someone holds your feet to the fire and points out when you’re moving off track.

Empathy

In addition to honesty, you also need someone empathetic. Honesty is different than criticism. Honesty means being truthful and seeing what is, but criticism adds judgment to that. You don’t want judgment. Choose someone who can empathize with your struggles without enabling you to give in to them. Find that person who can say,

“You’re procrastinating, and I understand how easy it is to do that. But it’s not in your best interest. How can I help you get over that hump?”

Reciprocity

The goal of your accountability partner is to help you succeed and vice versa. You’re each other’s cheerleader, coach, and bearer of truth. You’re both committed to the process.

Trust

All of the above won’t work unless you truly trust each other. There are two elements to consider:

1. Knowing that you each will not do anything to hurt or harm the other one.
2. Knowing that you’ll keep each other’s confidentiality. This means you won’t discuss what you’re each working on, how it’s going, or what you learn from each other unless discussed beforehand and agreed upon.

Enthusiasm

A partner who’s genuinely interested and excited about what you’re trying to accomplish infuses the relationship with energy. Part of everyone’s struggle when working toward goals is losing interest over the long haul or a desire to quit when obstacles come up. A partner who will help you over those dips is essential, and vice versa.

A Quick Note About Coaching

Although an accountability partner is part coach in the sense that you’re keeping each other on track, it’s not someone to tell you how to do your work. The focus is on the process. If you choose someone with expertise in what you’re working on, you may feel the relationship becoming one-sided as your partner moves into a coaching mode.

That doesn’t mean you can’t have mutual knowledge and use it to help each other, but make sure it’s beneficial for both of you. It’s unnecessary to choose someone with knowledge about your desired goal, and some people prefer it that way.

Either way works as long as you feel equally stimulated and inspired to keep going.

The Rules

You have to set up some basic rules and procedures for the whole thing to work.

1. Where and when.

How often will you check in, and where or how? You can meet in person, on Zoom, or over the phone. You might choose a combination. For example, meet in person once every other week and on Zoom in the weeks in between.

Some people check in several times a week or even daily, whereas others meet biweekly or once a month. I would caution you not to go longer than bi-weekly, especially when starting. Momentum is important, and if either of you tends toward procrastination, weekly is best.

2. How long?

Once you know where and how often you’ll meet, decide for how long. Set a time. Meetings shouldn’t be overly long, and they should be focused. You might meet for 30 minutes to an hour once every other week and check in by phone on the weeks in between for 15 minutes.

Another issue might be to set up how long you want the partnership to continue. Three months? Six months? Or something shorter? You might not decide that at the outset, but it’s good to consider once you get into it.

3. Goals and Tracking Methods

Now for the actual goals and how you will track them.

I would suggest that you do something written. An easy thing to do is set up a shared Google Doc where you both write out your specific goals and actions you want to take. You can create a more formal format if you like.

Goals can be big, but they should be broken down into smaller goals you can track. An excellent method to use is SMART goals. SMART stand for specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound.

To use this method, ask yourself these questions:

• Specific. What do I want to accomplish, and what does that look like? Make your goals specific and limited enough that you can create a plan to achieve them.
• Measurable. What metrics can I use to show progress? There should be numbers, milestones, or data you can measure to show movement toward your goal.
• Attainable. Is what I’m attempting to do possible? Choose goals you can achieve. This means you have the resources, time, and energy to make them happen. You might decide to go back to school, but your current life circumstances and finances will not allow that. Start with something you can do right now.
• Relevant. Is my goal meaningful or relevant to my current life trajectory? Choose a goal that furthers your personal, academic, or professional development. How will it personally benefit you?
• Time-Bound. Can I achieve this goal within a given time frame? Every goal should be broken down into specific actions and set within time on a calendar so that both you and your accountability partner have something to work from.

Putting It All Together

Here’s an example of my own. I recently set up an accountability partnership with my son. We both have some crossover expertise in what we’re working on which will be helpful in this case.

We’re meeting in person every other week for an hour and by phone/Zoom on the weeks in between for 20 minutes.

We’re using a Google doc to list goals and document weekly actions. We use these for the weekly check-ins. During the in-person meetings, we cover obstacles or pivots we need to make based on our experiences.

We also make sure to outline successes weekly. Our goals are measurable and specific, so it’s easy to see where we are and what needs tweaking.

The Best Part

The best part is that having an accountability partner is fun, especially if you choose the right person, and it makes working on goals more manageable and enjoyable, which is the whole point.

It’s especially beneficial in dealing with procrastination. When you have to report your progress to someone else, you’re more likely to make your goals specific, doable, actionable, and, most importantly, you’ll finish. Give it a try!

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by konstantynov, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Over the last several weeks, we’ve learned about how stress affects the body and mind and some strategies to release it. This week we’re talking about stressors. That will conclude our three-week discussion devoted to stress management.

I’ve got six strategies you can try for dealing with stressors. Let’s go through them.

1. Avoid “avoidance.”

There are two parts to this one.

Part 1: Do your best not to resist the stressor.

That’s easier said than done, but you can get better at it by adopting the mindset that things happen unexpectedly. That doesn’t mean expecting things to go wrong but staying flexible and prepared to pivot when they do.

Part 2: Avoid stressors by planning ahead.

Many stressors occur because you cut things too close. You wait until the last minute to do something or don’t take care of things that need doing, and they rear their ugly head at the most inopportune time. Do what needs to be done in a timely manner and stay on top of your stuff.

2. Watch your narrative.

The stressor is one thing, but the story you tell yourself about it is what most influences how you react.

The narrative that gets you in trouble is catastrophizing and focusing on worst-case scenarios.

Cognitive distortions can run wild when you’re stressed and inflate your negative emotions – fear, despair, anger, overwhelm – so that you begin to react to your fantasy of what’s happening more than the actual reality in front of you.

It’s easy to do this when facing a possible loss, such as harm to someone you love, your finances crashing, a job loss, etc. These stressors are harder to manage and require some soothing self-talk or support from someone else who can be a voice of reason.

When your emotions take over, step back if you can and be mindful of the story you’re telling yourself about what’s happening. When you do that, you activate your prefrontal cortex and get into a thinking mode. That allows you to calm your emotions and adjust your narrative to something more realistic and also move your focus toward dealing with the situation.

3. Set boundaries.

Stress is sometimes the result of someone else’s problems or unrealistic expectations of you. Relationships, especially close ones, blur the boundaries of what belongs to who and what each person’s responsibilities are. This is especially true when co-dependency is strong, or one person takes advantage of the other.

If you tend to be a “caretaker” who habitually rescues or kowtows to the other person’s needs at your own expense, then you likely feel chronically stressed. Over time, you feel depleted emotionally, physically, and psychologically.

No amount of stress-release activities can alleviate this kind of repetitive pressure. Only you can do that by setting boundaries and recognizing your part in the dance, although it doesn’t feel like a dance. It’s more like being repeatedly tackled on the football field.

Take time to assess your relationships (including those at work), and ask yourself if more boundaries are needed.

If you’re the person that’s often rescued, then you need some boundaries for yourself, which requires looking closely at how you can manage your responsibilities better.

This isn’t something to beat yourself up over, but something you can use to improve your life.

4. Narrow down.

Many of us are stressed because we do too much. You might argue with me with the retort, “It’s not my choice! I have to do too much!”

Some people are trapped in daily responsibilities that seem necessary, and they may be. An example is the single parent with three kids who works full-time, doesn’t make enough money to make ends meet, and has no support system. That person has too much to do – every day. Still, a careful examination is helpful.

Most of us have some room to make choices but don’t. We take on too much, then feel overwhelmed and complain about not having enough time.

Try this:

1. Write out everything you do on a daily/weekly basis.
2. Now put it all out on a calendar. Where do you do it? During what hours?
3. Next, prioritize. What’s most important, and what could you let go of?
4. Where do you waste time?

You likely don’t know how much time you waste.

I did this exercise once. I wrote down how I spent every minute for a full week. It was rather grueling but eye-opening. I got a better feel for how much time things took versus how much time I thought they took and where I wasted time. It helped me decide what to let go of and how re-position some tasks to be more efficient.

5. Find the value.

Progress comes from overcoming obstacles.

You’ve heard some version of this, I’m sure, and that’s because it’s mostly true.

When things come easy, we might perform well, but when there are obstacles to overcome, we seem to rise higher and perform better. It’s like working out – when you push your muscles just a little harder than is comfortable, they acclimate to the challenge and get stronger.

Stressors you consider to be obstacles or roadblocks often have something to teach you. You groan when they come up because you aren’t in the mood or ready to learn that lesson right now, but that’s how things go, isn’t it?

So look at the situation and ask yourself what you might gain from it. Even when you have a job you don’t like, there’s something you’re learning either about yourself, or perhaps a skill, or how to deal with adversity. What are you getting you can use later?

This is called “positive reappraisal” (Nagoski, 2019). It’s a valuable concept you can tap into when you feel stuck and unhappy with where you are. That doesn’t mean you should pretend everything’s fine. Using positive thinking this way is not beneficial. See things as they are, but push yourself to see the silver lining until you can make a change.

This leads us to the last one.

6. Know when to quit.

Sometimes dealing with a stressor is deleting it. This is when you decide to cut your losses because staying in the situation is not feasible or advisable.

This applies to bad jobs, bad relationships, and self-destructive habits.

In Burnout, Emily and Amelia Nagoski suggest doing a cost-benefit assessment. Ask yourself:

1. What are the costs of staying in?
2. What are the costs of getting out?
3. What are the benefits of staying in?
4. What are the benefits of getting out?

Make sure to consider both short and long-term costs and benefits. This will help you see it more objectively.

Sometimes you know even before you do the exercise, but it helps to apply some soul-searching and see it on paper.

One More Thing

We usually see stressors in the present tense as something we’re experiencing now. Yet, it helps to look at them in terms of the big picture. The question is:

How does this situation fit into my overall “why”? Why am I here, what am I trying to accomplish, and what’s truly important?

What you do daily feels different when you see it in terms of your bigger picture. It aligns you with what’s meaningful for you and allows you to sync your actions, goals, and attitudes toward your purpose(s). Stressors become part of that larger landscape, and you feel more appreciative of what they teach you, or you know when to let them go.

I’ll end on that philosophical note.

That’s all for today.

As always, have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara