Photo by RapidEye, Courtesy of iStock Photo

You make decisions all day long, from when you rise until drifting off to sleep at night. And even then, you may wrestle with problems while dreaming and pulling information from your subconscious to help out.

Most of the time, the daily decisions go on automatically. However, the big ones that have a more significant impact are the ones that grab your attention and hold it until you finally decide to take a leap and commit to something.

Sometimes this process doesn’t go easily because of anxiety, fear, or too many choices that circulate in your mind and keep you in limbo. Yet, you still have to decide. So how do you get over that hump?

Today I’m giving you some guidelines to help smooth out the process. But first, let’s talk a little about your brain.

A Little Background

Before you get into the actual decision-making process, it helps to understand how your brain works and what conditions are most conducive to helping it function well.

Your brain has a limited capacity.

I was making celery juice this morning, and as I watched the juicer working on the celery, it likened it to how the brain works when we fill it up. It can only process so much celery at a time, and if you try to jam more in, it gets stuck. If you cut the celery into small pieces and feed them in at a slow pace, it processes everything well, and the motor keeps churning smoothly without a hitch. But if you add pieces that are too large or fill the feed with too much at once, it stops working.

Your brain is the same way. You can overload it and bring it to a screeching halt.

Help your brain function better by doing this:

Get a whole night’s sleep.

Your brain goes through a wash and rinse cycle and clears out extraneous material when you sleep. This is an actual neurological process, not just a metaphor. There’s a physical component to it. When you don’t get enough sleep, brain trash accumulates, and you can’t think well.

Water it.

Your brain is roughly 73 percent water. It takes only 2 percent dehydration to adversely affect your attention and cognition. Drinking water can prevent that and help your brain work optimally.

Feed it.

In addition to water, your brain needs glucose to function. Glucose supplies the energy for your body, and your brain uses about 20 percent of your total body’s energy needs. You need to feed it properly, especially before working on any brain-intensive problem.

Clear mental clutter.

Get all the little daily decisions out of the way. All decisions use energy, even the small ones. When you decide what to wear and what to eat, whether to look on Facebook or check your email, or what show to watch, etc., you’re using up a limited supply of energy.

Do your best to automate and routinize these decisions, so you aren’t wasting your brain capacity on them. Don’t wait to decide what to wear to the office when you get up. Decide the night before. Clear your mental desk ahead.

To summarize – Before working on a big decision:

• Get 8 hours of sleep.
• Drink a full 8-ounce glass of water.
• Eat a light meal.
• Clear your mental desk.

A note about food:

Heavy, fat-laden meals will make your brain sluggish. Make sure you eat whole food like fresh fruit, veggies, beans, and whole grains, and if you eat meat, stick to a small piece of fish.

My go-to on thinking days is to have a glass of fresh veggie juice followed by a small fruit bowl, and then work through the morning. I wait to introduce food until lunch.

Most people disagree with that approach, but it works well because your digestive system isn’t pulling energy away from your brain.

You do what works best for you. Just make sure you aren’t overburdening your body with heavy digestive tasks.

Now for the Process

1. Identify the problem with clarity.

Get clear on the decision you need to make. Don’t start weighing options until you’ve defined the problem in detail.

2. Do your research.

Gather all the relevant information you might need to make an educated decision. If you tend to go with your gut on decisions, that’s fine, but don’t do it yet. Wait until you’ve gone through the whole process and gotten your ducks in a row. Then consult your gut.

Getting the information might require consulting someone in the know, reading something, or Googling something. Make a quick list of what you need to find out, then do it or schedule it.

3. Organize your information and analyze it.

Don’t do this in your head. Write it down to get it out of your head and see it visually. This helps your brain with processing and analyzing. It’s like cleaning up as you cook, so counter space is available.

4. Whittle down the choices.

There’s a cool video on Youtube about decision-making by Patrick McGinnis where he talks about FOBO – “Fear of Better Options.” It’s worth watching. The gist is that we can paralyze ourselves when trying to make a decision by continuing to entertain more and more options and never narrowing down our choices. You get into an all-or-nothing mindset, and your decision takes on a life or death feel – “If I make the wrong decision, I can never come back or right it. I’ll be doomed.”

For most decisions, this isn’t at all true. You can make the best decision now and later decide to alter it or go in another direction. There are no perfect decisions, but there may be more than one right one.

Whittle choices down to between 3 and 4 at most. Two options can be a little daunting because it creates an either-or mindset, but sometimes you can’t help that. Don’t try to decide when there are eight or nine+ choices. It’s best to keep it under four.

5. Take a forward and backward look.

If your decision pertains to anything you’ve experienced previously, review what you’ve learned that might help you decide.

Conversely, play out the future consequences of your decision. What could happen as a result of the direction you choose? You’re evaluating risks versus gains. How risky is the decision, and what’s a backup plan if you decide to change your mind down the road? If this is a big decision, how might it look a year from now? How could you pivot if you need to?

6. Sleep on it.

Unless you have to make an immediate decision, don’t ever make it until you’ve slept on it or allowed 24 hours away from thinking about it. When you do that, you allow your subconscious an opportunity to scan your brain’s hard drive for information that might help sway you in the best direction. It will enable you to cool emotions that might be getting in the way.

7. Decision time.

Commit to a decision and go forward. Don’t keep vacillating and going through what-if scenarios. Sometimes decision-making feels like a multiple choice question where two answers seem right, but you have to pick one. Pick one. You can adjust if it doesn’t work just like you thought it would.

That’s all for today!

Have a great weekend, and I’ll be back to you next Monday!

All my best,

Barbara

Life eats up time. You can’t stop that, but you can use it more effectively to enjoy your life and create time for things that are important to you.

Today I’m outlining five weekly rituals that help. They’re not overly time-consuming, and they keep things simple by giving you a way to maintain an overview of what’s happening so that you don’t get swept away by daily details or mind ruts.

Let’s dive right in.

1. Goal Setting

Set no more than three goals for the week ahead.

One goal is fine if that’s all you think you can do. The idea is to set yourself up for success and finish something.

Create a goal that’s small enough to complete and is doable in a week, even if there are interruptions.

The value of doing this is that it focuses you and helps you lay out your week so that you don’t waste a lot of time going from one thing to another with no real plan.

Your mind will be most efficient when it’s:

• Focused in narrowly on a single goal or task
• The task in question is doable, spelled out, and planned ahead
• You know how to do it or have acquired what’s needed to do it

It’s hard to accomplish these things on the fly. Planning ahead is necessary.

It’s best to write your goals down, and I’ll tell you when and how to do that in a minute.

2. Weekly Review

Simplifying and productivity require tracking. The Weekly Review is a great way to track. It keeps things from getting away from you, and it helps you make necessary adjustments to increase your efficiency.

Set aside 30 minutes each week to conduct a weekly review. You don’t need more time than that unless you want it. I do mine Saturday mornings.

Pick any time you want. Just make sure it’s a time that likely won’t get eaten up by other activities or interruptions.

Create a written format for your review.

My layout has four sections and was inspired by a handout I got from a course called Time Genius by Marie Forleo. The four sections are:

1. Insights: What insights did I gain to help me stay on the path? These are reflections on how things worked. What helped and what didn’t? For example, I found that I accomplished more on the days I got 8 hours of sleep instead of 7. You might discover that a method you used needs some tweaking or your goal was too big for one week. Maybe you need some more information before proceeding further.
2. Successes: Use this section to document your accomplishments for the week. These can include goals met, processes or strategies that worked, and time saved. Write whatever feels like a success to you. Even partial successes count.
3. Revisions: What do you need to do differently in the week ahead to make things work more efficiently? This is your chance to learn from your experiences each week and get better and better at forecasting, planning, and scheduling. You’ll use some of your insights from the first section to help you decide what you need to change to get better results in the coming week.
4. New Goals and Schedule: This is where you create next week’s goal list. Write them out, break them down into tasks, and schedule them on your calendar or to-do list.

I keep my current weekly review on my computer desktop, where I see it every day and can read it every evening to keep it fresh in my mind for the next day.

3. Weekly Declutter

Clutter’s a menace. And unfortunately, there are all kinds of clutter. Usually, you think of house clutter, but other types include emotional and mental, digital, and physical clutter.

In addition to your weekly review, set aside a time for a weekly declutter session. Again, this doesn’t have to be long. Some people do this once a day, but for others, once a week is sufficient. Aim for an hour.

Get rid of any of the following:

• Phone calls or appointments that need to be made and are hanging over you
• Emails that are cluttering up your inbox
• Worries. Write them down and set them aside. If there’s something you need to do, schedule when you can do it and put it on your calendar. If it’s doable in ten minutes or less, do it now.
• Watch your diet. Bad food creates bad clutter in your body, which affects your mood, energy level, and thinking capacity.
• Remove any junk from your home, or if you have a lot, remove a small amount each week until you have less. Home clutter is debilitating over time.

All done? You’ll feel better after doing this one.

4. Do one thing at a time.

I read a great blog by Leo Babauta (Zen Habits) in which he said we should live in “full-screen mode.” What a superb metaphor!

When you’re in full-screen mode on your computer, you can’t see anything except what’s right in front of you.

This is the way to approach most tasks. There are some things you can multi-task, like listening to music while you clean, but something that requires focus and mental capacity needs a full-screen approach for best results.

“Full-screen “means silencing phones, turning off social media, turning off the TV, finding a quiet space, and creating a time block for working.

As much as you can, do one thing at a time and dive into it.

5. Create time for self-care.

This is the one that usually takes a back seat, especially if you’re super busy. If you have young kids and work and take care of the house, self-care often doesn’t exist. Try to carve out something no matter how small it is.

Create specific morning and evening routines, and include something that will feed you emotionally. Ten minutes of Yoga, a one-mile walk, a short meditation, reading an inspirational passage or book– whatever you like that both soothes and sustains you.

It’s essential to have daily routinized rituals built in to make sure you attend to yourself.

Sleep is crucial, and sometimes it’s either sleep or exercise. Sleep should win out, and then you can try to add exercise somewhere else in the routine – maybe for just ten minutes. Don’t short yourself on sleep. Everything else will get worse if you do.

Last Note

When you don’t deliberately set up routines, other things crowd in and use up your time. It’s like the tide coming in and filling up every crevice in the sand. You can control the tide with regular rituals that help you keep a big picture view of what’s happening and grab your authority to guide that process. Rituals deepen over time, and the results multiply if you make them regular habits. Without them, you fall prey to the tide.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by zsv3207, Courtesy of iStock Photos

How would you answer that question? I think most of us would say either “yes” or “pretty much.” Fewer would say “no.”

Why? Because it’s hard to be completely honest with yourself. Our egos have a built-in need to self-protect, and honest assessments of ourselves often clash with that need.

A second reason is that once you admit to something, you can’t put it back in the box. It’s out there. It begs for attention and keeps nagging you to do something about it.

Let’s face it, being completely honest with ourselves is hard! So we’ve come up with ways to get around it.

The Defenses

We deny truths even when they stare us down. We use some of the ego’s favorite defenses to get around it:

• Rationalization. You come up with reasons why you can’t do what you should or why circumstances keep you where you are. The favorite statement here is “I can’t.” Or “I don’t know how.” Or “No one will help me.”
• Projection. It’s not me – it’s you! Someone else has that problem. I don’t.
• Blame. You made me do it. Circumstances made me do it. It’s not my fault. It’s my parents’ fault. My boss’s fault. My husband’s fault. It’s the President’s fault!
• Denial. It’s simply not true. ”What, are you nuts? I’m not like that!”
• Magical thinking. If I think positive, it’ll go away on its own.

Those are just some, but I think those cover the main ones we use. To boil it down to a single idea, it’s this:

When you don’t want to look at something or be honest with yourself about something you need to fix or change, the response is:

“I can’t.” – which means “I don’t want to.” – which means “I won’t.”

The problem, of course, is that you can’t hold down or put away forever what’s true. By ignoring, denying, or putting off being honest with yourself, you risk creating an insurmountable stack of problems that will cause you much more pain than the effort to face up.

But, here’s what you get if you do face up and decide to be honest – brutally honest – with yourself.

The Benefits

1. You become your authentic self.

There’s a congruency between who you are and how you perceive yourself. In other words, your perception reflects reality. You have a core identity and a solid sense of self, and you can get comfortable with who you are.

Instead of having different parts of yourself warring with each other, you can bring them all together to approach your problems, deal with what is, and accept yourself as a worthy person, warts and all.

Most importantly, it feels good to tell yourself the truth. It’s relieving to not have to hide from you or anyone else for that matter.

2. You preserve your emotional energy.

It takes a lot of emotional and mental energy to hang on to defensive untruths about who you are, what you think, and how you feel and act. When you fess up to what’s true, you free up your energy to focus on how to conduct your life and explore new possibilities.

3. You develop self-compassion.

If you can be honest with yourself, you can develop self-compassion as you hold yourself accountable for your actions. If you hide out, you maintain a persistent critical voice that threatens to demolish you when you fall.

4. You have improved relationships

Dishonesty creates distance from others. Either they see what you don’t want them to see and know you’re denying or ignoring it, or they’re confused about who you are and can’t get as close to you as they might hope to.

When you practice honesty, you’re more capable of engaging in close, intimate relationships because you can present the real you. You can love and receive love with greater capacity.

5. You build confidence.

Being honest and befriending yourself makes you less receptive to those who are overly critical. You’re able to assess your strengths and weaknesses realistically. You can build on your assets without fear of recrimination and use yourself as the yardstick for measuring progress rather than comparing yourself to others. You gain confidence in yourself.

How to Do It

I have two suggestions.

1. Conduct an inventory.

The first is to do an inventory right now of things you’re aware of that you’ve been pushing down or skirting around. These would include issues that keep coming back to haunt you and cause distress – things you don’t want to face.

Write it out.

• Describe the problem.
• List actions you need to take to see the problem in its entirety.
• List things you can do to make changes or resolve these issues.

2. Cultivate these practices.

Seek help.

Realize that you don’t know everything and seek information or help from a knowledgeable source. This could be a person, book, forum, course, program, etc. Getting help makes it easier to stay on track and follow through.

Don’t suppress your feelings.

Allow your feelings to surface. Feel them, listen, and sort them through. What can you learn from them?

Own up to mistakes.

Own up to your mistakes without beating yourself up. Admit, analyze, learn, and repair.

Create a craving for reality.

You can do this by actively observing your thoughts, behavior, and defenses as they arise. At first, just practice correcting ideas that aren’t accurate. If you’re used to lying to yourself, it’s an ingrained habit, and as you know already, it takes time to subdue a pattern and create a replacement.

So for a while, you’ll need to “identify and replace” repeatedly until you get to the point where telling the truth is your first impulse rather than shading it.

Be accountable.

Consult someone you trust and who’s compassionate and has your best interest at heart to call you out or help you review your process.

Examine your motivations.

There’s always a perceived gain to lying. What is it? Are you avoiding someone else’s reaction to you? Is there a bad habit you don’t want to let go of? Would facing something interfere with the narrative you’ve created and pretend is real?

Get very serious about this one, and give yourself free rein to delve into what you’re protecting with your dishonesty. Motives have a lot of power. You have to dismantle them.

Look at the “big three” and ask yourself if they apply:

1. Perfectionism
2. Overthinking
3. “Not Good Enough Syndrome”

If any of these are primary influences on how you think about yourself, then being dishonest is wrapped up in them. All three threaten your sense of worth. Who wouldn’t try and avoid them?

Keep an eye on avoidance.

Avoidance and dishonesty with yourself go hand in hand. They’re partners in crime. When you curb one, you restrain the other. If you’re more honest, you can’t avoid as much. And when you stop avoiding and look at things, you’re more honest.

Last Note

Truth is ultimately relieving, even though human beings work hard to avoid it. That avoidance is fear, and the silly thing is, the fear’s unfounded because the more honest you are, the less afraid you are, and the better you feel. Keep working at it.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by francescoch, Courtesy of iStock Photo

I subscribe to one of my favorite business/writing mentors whose courses I regularly take. I got an email from her this morning, but unlike her usual emails, it was more personal.

She had recently attended a social event with many friends who are in the same business as her and with whom she’s close. She began comparing her success to some of these friends and got caught in a tailwind of self-doubt. As the evening continued, her thoughts became more distorted – she decided her work was in decline and concluded that she didn’t have anything new or exciting to offer, as did her friends.

In short, she plummeted into the deep hole of comparison and couldn’t get out.

I was surprised, but I wasn’t. Even though this person is incredibly talented and engaging, as well as ridiculously successful, she fell victim to self-doubt.

As she recognized, this type of comparison is deadly.

It’s distorted, destructive, and sly. It sneaks in and winds its way around your mind, squeezing out every semblance of rationality. It pours acid on tiny openings of self-doubt and turns them into gaping craters.

We’re all susceptible.

So how do you handle it?

Here are my top ten strategies I use when I get ensnared by that ugly seductress.

1. Hang up those distorted thoughts.

Self-doubt comparisons are almost always based on distorted and exaggerated thoughts.

You select the most significant accomplishments belonging to someone else and measure them against your most notable failures.

And, to make it worse, you exaggerate both ends of that spectrum and selectively choose the details to make that comparison as wide as possible. There are two problems here:

1. You can always find someone who’s further along in their progress in a particular activity than you are.
2. You’re narrowing your perspective to create the picture you’re painting.

Comparisons use a hierarchical perspective, meaning we all sit on a vertical ladder of accomplishment. You’re above someone and below someone.

In reality, creativity and achievement are more horizontal. Every person’s approach is different and, I might add, valuable. We’re not all apples.

That gets to the second thing.

2. Appreciate your unique contribution.

No one else is exactly like you, and you’re not exactly like anyone else – nor should you be! Appreciate your lane and make all you can of it. Don’t try to be everything. Just be you.

3. Be your own yardstick.

Make comparisons to yourself. Improve your performance, develop new ideas, try different strategies, and create better habits. Embrace yourself and what you have to offer and refine it.

4. Play to your strengths.

What do you do well? What are some of your natural talents?

These can be anything. You don’t have to restrict yourself to things that result in public affirmations, like being a best-selling author.

Maybe one of your strengths is being kind and making others feel comfortable and accepted. I would wager that strength is as important and perhaps more important than creating a successful corporation.

Use what you have and let others benefit from it.

5. Keep envy in check.

Envy is painful. And it’s useless. It’s good to admire what someone else has or contributes, but envy is competitive. One’s up, and one’s down.

Appreciate someone else’s success. Be inspired by it! But don’t taint that with envy. If someone else can be successful, so can you. However, you won’t do that if you’re trying to be just like the other person.

6. Take a break from social media.

Social media is a petri dish for narcissistic one-upmanship. It feels like being back in high school in a big tank of people who are all vying for popularity or the most elevated position in the crowd.

It’s amazing what happens to adults when they jockey on social media for position. I’m not saying there aren’t positive aspects of social media, but it is a platform for competition, comparison, and misrepresentation. A lot of what people present is exaggerated.

Don’t let yourself get sucked into comparing yourself to anything or anyone you see on social media.

7. Mind your company.

Like hanging out on social media, who you spend time with can increase your competitiveness and envy. If you hang out with people who need to be on top or complain about what other people have that they don’t have, you can find yourself jumping on the bandwagon and mirroring that mindset.

You might have friends who compare themselves with you or who have subtly or not so subtly put you down. They might do this by bragging about their successes, although not so overtly that you recognize the put-down. Or maybe they give you a lot of unsought advice with an undertow of “I know more than you do.”

Good friends make you feel good about yourself and share your successes without envy or competition.

Stick to those friends and let the others go.

8. Focus on progress.

Everyone is equal because we’re all valuable and worthy of love. At the same time, we’re all in different places in our growth. We’re in various stages of development and on our own paths.

When you keep that in mind, it’s easier to focus on your path and measure where you are in terms of your progress. There’s not an endpoint. I suppose death is an endpoint, but maybe not. Until death, you’re developing. Hopefully not de-evolving.

Focus on your progress more than your outcomes, and keep going.

9. Never let what you accomplish mean more than who you are.

Pursue whatever work you like, use your talents, and accomplish all you can, but never at the expense of who you are.

Be the kind of person who sticks to their values and principles. Be the kind of person who’s more concerned about treating people the right way, doing the right thing, and behaving civilly.

Those internal qualities are most important and help you rise above petty comparison and competitiveness. They embrace others rather than separate, isolate, and distance. Make that your priority, and let the rest follow.

10. Be grateful.

The last one on my list is gratitude. You hear this idea a lot and find it in every self-help book, blog, and inspirational speech. That’s because it’s true.

When you’re grateful for what you have, it’s hard to focus on what you don’t have. It will shift you out of that competitive, complaining, woeful mindset. Start your day with gratitude.

We get so inundated with bad news, that focusing on things that are going right is a worthwhile pursuit and helps balance the view.

I write ten things I’m grateful for every morning. I’m always shocked at how it can shift my mood. I can wake up grumpy or moody, and after getting halfway through my list, my mood’s lifted.

Last Note

I’ve written a more extended version of this blog that you can find here if you’d like to read it. It covers most of the same items with a little more explanation.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by Nelosa, Courtesy of iStock Photos

I like to look forward to things. What about you?

During the week, I look forward to weekends – events I’ve planned like going out to eat, visiting my sisters, or working on a fun project. It’s all so energizing! I also like to set goals and imagine future scenarios.

The point is, I look to the future as a source of pleasure, hope, and happiness. I’m guessing you do that too.

So what about today? Is it something to get through or something you look forward to?

If we want to get philosophical about it, today is what is. The present is where we are. The future resides in our minds, and when we perpetually focus on it, we miss what’s happening right now. Today.

In response, you might say,

Well, that’s the whole point! I don’t love what’s going on right now, so I gain some solace in knowing I have something better to look forward to.

There’s truth in that at times. No doubt.

But, if you aren’t making the most of right now, what does that say for the future? And, let me ask you this:

When you get to that big event in the future, are you satisfied?

You might say yes, but when it’s over, you shift your mind to the next thing you can look forward to. Our whole culture works this way! We go from holiday to holiday, vacation to vacation, event to event!

The future is important, and to ignore it would be disastrous. We do need to keep in mind that our current actions impact our futures, just as we need to learn from our mistakes in the past to avoid repeating them.

But, back to our question, “What about today?”

Bring your focus in on each day.

Here’s what I suggest:

See each day as a single slice of your life with a beginning and endpoint.

You make goals for the future, yes? Make goals for the day. Plan it out, appreciate your time, and make the most of it.

What you plan will be part of a continuum of many days, and it’s good to keep that in mind, but give special attention to this day and focus your attention on it.

Even if things intrude on your plans such as problems that crop up or unexpected interruptions, you have the opportunity to make the most of how you handle these situations and complete your day with a sense of satisfaction.

To get in the right mindset, ask these questions:

1. How aware am I of my daily interaction with my life and myself?
2. Do I have a sense of watching it unfold?
3. Do I take a leadership role to engage in it consciously and with an appreciation for my time?

To effectively make use of each day, it’s helpful to segment your attention and focus. Here are some categories you might use to do that.

Values and Principles

How can you express your values through your behavior throughout this day? What will you do if an interruption comes, a problem crops up, or you have an interaction with someone that upsets you? How will you stay true to yourself and comport yourself according to what you think is right and who you want to be?

Let your values and principles guide your behavior in all circumstances.

Self-Care

What self-care activities are a must, and when can you perform them? Are there regular daily routines you can instill and schedule? These might include morning routines, nightly routines, sleep, diet, exercise, meditation – whatever you do to take care of yourself. Where can you fit them into your day?

Regular self-care increases self-awareness and positively impacts how you feel in the future.

Relationships

What will you do today to make the most of your important relationships? How can you nurture them? Each day you have an opportunity to work on your relationships, but it’s easy to put this on the back burner because everything else demands attention. By keeping a daily focus, it’s easier to prioritize your relationships and give time to them.

Relationships that last and flourish need constant attention and nurturing.

Work

Work can include anything employed to operate your life, do your job, run your household, or participate in projects. Take one day at a time, focus on the tasks you’re doing today with full attention, and do them the best you can. Systematize your activities to take advantage of your time.

Take pride and pleasure in being able to do something with full engagement and fulfillment. Even the most mundane chores can be approached this way and leave you feeling good about your accomplishments.

Stay positive. Resistance and resentment kill your joy. Think of your work’s benefits and service and take pleasure in that. Every kind of work has value.

Make work something you do for yourself as well as for someone else.

Internal Thoughts

What’s the primary color of your thought processes today?

Negative, positive, anxious, uplifting, depressive, irritable, optimistic, pessimistic, compassionate, critical?

We tend to think of our internal state as being determined by our external circumstances. To an extent, that’s true, but to a large extent, it’s not. You always have choices about how you react to outside events and where your mind goes.

It may not always feel that way, but awareness of your mind and thought trains gives you some control. Watch what you’re thinking and feeling.

If you’re a chronic complainer, you’re going to be unhappy. Try focusing on what goes right as much as you can. The more you do that, the better you feel.

Shoot for a 3 to 1 ratio for positive versus negative thoughts.

Accept that some days deviate from your plans.

There are those days when all plans go by the wayside because of unexpected events. On those days, your comportment is more important than completing planned goals.

Make the most of handling the changes and feel good about how you did that. Don’t lament that you didn’t check off your to-do list.

Then there are other days when you feel the need to take a break. These are respite days or “red-light days.” When they occur, give into them and take advantage of them. Let yourself rest. Turn off. Hunker down.

Depending on your situation, you may not be able to take these days often. However, taking even a half-day off, or one day at home while the kids are in school, or several hours off on your own on the weekend, can have the needed effect. You might need to get creative to make it happen but do your best.

Find your quiet spots and solitude so you can recharge.

The present is your future.

Bringing your focus in more toward your daily life will help to ensure that your future is something to look forward to. Living in the future keeps you in a fantasy state, so much so that when you get to those future points, you’re often disappointed in where you are because you forgot that what you do daily determines to a large degree where you will be when you get to the future.

You’ve heard the phrase “Be here now”? That’s the motto to keep in mind.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo byViktorCap, Courtesy of Istock Photo

Anxiety disorders are on the rise. Currently, 18.1% of the adult population in the U.S. are diagnosed with anxiety disorders annually. Based on my own experience, it’s the most prevalent reason people seek therapy next to depression.

If you’ve ever had a panic attack, you know that it’s an awful experience. You feel like you’re going to die. Your heart rate goes up significantly, you can’t catch your breath, you may feel nauseous, or experience cramping and tightening of your muscles. It’s debilitating and frightening.

Today I want to focus on four ideas that might help you if anxiety is something you experience frequently. These ideas are different from the usual strategies (deep breathing, relaxation exercises, CBT, etc.). You can use these in addition to those strategies.

Let’s get to the four ideas.

1. The Hook

Anxiety originates from a combination of your thoughts and emotions. An incident or situation might spark it, but what you think and feel in reaction to the event is what brings on the anxiety. Sometimes you can get anxious just from your thoughts with no outside stimulus.

Regardless of the source, the thoughts leading to the anxiety hook you in. You might think of these as triggers, which they often are. It works like this:

There’s a thought that triggers a feeling that triggers anxiety, and before you realize it, you’re hooked. You fuse with the feeling, and it takes hold of you.

But that’s not the end of it. Being hooked in brings on fear – because anxiety is scary. Not only are you anxious from being triggered, but you’re afraid of the anxiety itself. You can get panicky and might start looking for quick ways to get rid of it.

The problem is that when you attempt to manage the anxiety, you often become more anxious.

If you’ve ever had the experience of feeling short of breath while being anxious and then trying to take deep breaths to manage it, sometimes it works. But sometimes, your breathing gets worse. The anxiety and the fear of becoming anxious (or more anxious) add new prongs to the hook.

“Great. I’m hooked in. So now what?”

2. A Mind Trick: Self versus self

The way to get unhooked is to get out of your head. You have to defuse yourself from the thoughts and feelings that hooked you.

Ask yourself these questions:

“Who’s anxious? Who’s having this experience?”

You might be saying “Duh?? Me, of course!” Head games! Yes, it is you who’s having the experience, but that’s the point. You’re not the same as your experience. You’re the one having the experience, yet you’re separate from it.

When you become fused with the experience, it feels like you are the experience. By reminding yourself that you still have that separation by asking, “Who’s having the anxiety?” you gain a little distance, and maybe a lot, depending on the situation.

That doesn’t mean you stop feeling it, but it does give you an edge. You can feel it with a little less fear.

Let’s keep going.

3. Acceptance

We do two things to try and deal with anxiety:

1. Avoid it
2. Get rid of it

Both of these backfire. When you try to get rid of it by managing it, you might have some temporary success, but it comes back. When you try to avoid it, you have to continually distract yourself so you won’t think and feel what you don’t want to think and feel, and in doing so, you push it under where it gains power.

You either become emotionally distanced from yourself or sit on a pile of emotional dynamite that can erupt with the slightest provocation.

The best course is to accept the feeling – the anxiety itself. It won’t kill you. It doesn’t feel good, and it’s intimidating, but it won’t destroy you. You can handle it. And by sitting with it and letting it run its course, you might learn something.

All pain has lessons if we’re open to them. Instead of trying so hard to figure out why you’re anxious or getting rid of the feeling, see what other thoughts arise. Memories may surface you’d forgotten. If you can, just let it be for a while. It’ll wear off eventually, but take advantage and listen to yourself while you’re there.

Chronic anxiety, especially the kind that seems to come out of nowhere, has deeper roots. However, you – the you that’s watching this whole scenario – can be open to the memories and thoughts that bubble up and help make sense of the anxiety.

That same “you” can also defuse from it.

4. How to Defuse

Defusing yourself from anxiety means unhooking from the thoughts and emotions that hooked you in initially. Here are some exercises you can try.

Give it a voice.

Give the anxiety a voice. If you like being creative or imaginative, name it. I was reading A Liberated Mind by Steven Hayes, and he calls his voice “George,” which made me laugh.

Dr. Hayes was plagued by incapacitating panic attacks early in his career and found that the usual management strategies didn’t work, so he devoted time to research and creating new approaches to deal with the problem, which I’m drawing on today.

But I digress. Naming the voice that’s ruminating and creating anxiety in your head helps you feel that separation between you and your experience. You can look at the thoughts that are hooking you in with some distance and allow yourself to explore them or let them go if you find them to be exaggerated, inaccurate, or counterproductive. You can quiet down that voie.

Write your thoughts on a small piece of paper.

When I read this, I wasn’t all that enamored of the idea, but I tried it. You write out the anxious thoughts, feelings, or situations circling in your mind, and then keep the paper with you. Pull it out and read it every once in a while, and then put it back in its place so you can reread it later. This exercise might seem too simple, but it has an effect!

Get compassionate.

If your anxiety is focused around self-doubt or self-recriminations, try this exercise. Imagine yourself as a child having anxious thoughts. Make this as realistic as you can. Go back to the youngest time you can remember and visualize yourself. Imagine your voice and hear yourself verbalize your anxiety in that voice. How would you soothe that child?

To Sum It Up

Here’s a quick summary of the four ideas:

1. Anxiety is a hook. It grabs you and holds on through fear, thoughts, and emotions.
2. You are not your thoughts and feelings. You are the one experiencing them. By keeping this in mind, you gain some emotional distance so you can pull out those thoughts and evaluate them for accuracy.
3. Accept anxiety when it comes. Trying to get rid of it or avoid it makes it worse. It’s not as scary as it seems. When you look at it and let it ride out, it weakens. And you likely find some of the hidden sources of it.
4. Defuse yourself from it. Use simple exercises to help you defuse from the thoughts and feelings that have hooked you in. Unhook.

There’s much more you can do to work with anxiety. Today’s blog is just a quick guide. I gave you only three defusing exercises. There are more. You can find them by reading A Liberated Mind or click here. It’s an interesting approach and one backed by research.

That’s all for today. Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by andresr, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Imagine you’re playing tennis, and it’s your turn to receive. You’re standing front-court, have your knees slightly bent, and your feet shoulder-width apart. You’re tilted forward, your attention’s focused, and you’re prepared to move quickly in any direction to field the ball when it comes over the net.

Your success depends on three things:

1. Your level of skill
2. Ability to focus
3. Capacity to be flexible in the moment

You need to be able to pivot in a second to handle what comes your way and then respond with deliberate intention and skill.

As anyone who plays sports knows, having this type of focused flexibility, which is psychological in nature, is as important as athletic skill.

This is also true of life.

Psychological flexibility allows you to field what comes your way with focus, emotional equilibrium, and presence.

Today I’m going to define psychological flexibility and give you a description of its main characteristics and benefits.

What is “psychological flexibility”?

Let’s start with a general definition:

Psychological flexibility (PF) is the ability to handle distress coming from thoughts, feelings, or situations by staying present in the moment and responding with actions that are in keeping with your values and long-term vision of your life.

In other words, you don’t suppress distressing emotions or resist them when they arise, but instead, acknowledge them while adapting to the situation at hand and behaving in a way that’s in keeping with your identity and values.

This will become a little clearer as we run through the four main features of PF.

4 Features of Psychological Flexibility

1) You can recognize and adapt to various situational demands.

Suppose there’s a change in plans, or an interruption to your routine, or an unexpected situation. In each case, you recognize that you need to pivot and adapt to the altered circumstances. You have to let go of your resistance to the new demands. There are three parts to this:

1. Letting go of your “shoulds” – thoughts like “Things shouldn’t work this way,” or “I’m the only one who can do this right!” Instead, you can entertain different approaches and move away from a rigid point of view.
2. Adjust your responses to the present situation and the demands in the moment. You can switch gears emotionally and mentally.
3. Remain present while drawing on past experiences or lessons learned, and also keeping the future in mind so that your current actions align with your goals and values. For example, if you’re angry, you can get your head around it and channel it into a constructive response so it won’t come back to bite you later.

2) You can shift mindsets and choose the most effective behaviors.

Not only do you accept and adapt to the new situation, but you also have the presence of mind to choose the best behaviors to approach it. You’re able to:

• Focus your attention and direct your energy effectively, even if you’re stressed.
• Recognize that your approach to a situation or problem might need to change.
• Make use of feedback and perspectives from others.
• Understand that you need to try different strategies if you want different results.
• Shift perspectives.

Here’s an example:

You get in your car to go home from work, and it won’t start. You feel a mixture of anxiety and anger and begin venting to yourself about how things always happen at the worst time.

If you’re being psychologically flexible, you’ll be able to take a few deep breaths, recognize that your reaction is normal, and shift into a problem-solving mode. You’ll begin reviewing alternative steps to get your car repaired and get yourself home. You’ll choose the best route available and take action.

With a flexible approach, you solve your problem and feel good about your ability to channel your stress into handling the situation well. Best of all, your actions mirror how you see yourself. You get an added boost in self-confidence.

3) You maintain balance among important life domains.

You’re aware of balancing your different life domains – work, family, leisure, and relationships. PF allows you to do this well because you can keep in mind what’s most important to you while shifting and focusing your attention on different domains as needed. You field daily demands while protecting what’s near and dear to you.

Instead of seeing stressful situations in isolation and reacting to them negatively, you take them in stride. You see them as part of your personal development and journey toward your goals. They provide insights, learning opportunities, and experience. You can weather failures and view them as steps along your life trajectory.

4) You’re aware, open, and committed to behaviors that reflect your deeply held values.

This is a significant aspect of psychological flexibility. It’s a foundational part. As you field the various events, situations, and interactions with your environment, you’re true to your most importantly held meanings and values. You stay true to who you are and your behavior reflects that. You’re self-aware.

You’re also open to new and novel approaches to achieving your goals and life commitments. You’re curious and receptive to other possible routes to achieve what you want in life.

If you applied for a job but didn’t get it, you might see that as an opportunity to try something different – maybe an alternate job or start a business.

Not sure how flexible you are?

Ask yourself these questions:

• Are you adaptable in the face of stress or change?
• Can you switch gears and shift emotionally when a situation upsets your plans or is out of the ordinary?
• How long do you resist before working on a solution?
• Do you think outside the box to try a different approach when the usual one doesn’t work?
• Can you allow other people to do things differently than you do?
• Can you take in and consider feedback, advice, or additional information when given?
• Do you see current stressful situations as opportunities to learn, try something different, and help you toward your goals?
• Most importantly, do you allow yourself to feel negative emotions when they arise?

Answering these questions will give you a pretty good feel for how psychologically flexible you are. If you’re not sure, ask someone who knows you well.

Next week, we’ll talk about how to diffuse negative emotions.

That’s good for today. Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

PS: Suggested reading: A Liberated Mind by Steven C. Hayes

_FOOTNOTES

_{Ciarrochi, J., Bilich, L., & Godsel, C. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a mechanism of change in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. In Ruth Baer’s (Ed), Assessing Mindfulness and Acceptance: Illuminating the Processes of Change (pp. 51-76). New Harbinger Publications, Inc.}

_{Hayes, S. C. A (2019). A Liberated Mind. Avery.}

_{Harris, R. (2019). ACT made simple: An easy-to-read primer on acceptance and commitment therapy. New Harbinger Publications.}

_{Kashdan, T. B. (2010, November 1). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865-878. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.001}

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by knape, Courtesy iStock Photo

Time is a limited resource. We can’t get back what we’ve used up.

This is nothing you don’t already know, but how much do you consider it in your daily life?

I read a book some years ago called Mentored by a Millionaire by Steven K. Scott. It was a great book with tons of good info, but one paragraph really got my attention. He said:

The average adult in America only lives for 3,950 weeks. If you’re 30 years old, you’ve already used 1,560 of those weeks. If you’re 40, you’ve used 2,080, and if you are 51, you may only have 1,300 weeks left.

He’s basing his numbers on living about 76 years, and many of us live longer. However, those numbers slapped me out of my complacency when I looked at this way. I decided to do something to make sure I wouldn’t look back on my life someday and regret time frittered away.

After some research and trial and error, I settled on two habits that work splendidly as long as you stick with them. I want to share them with you today.

The two habits are:

1. Heavy scheduling
2. Regular tracking

These aren’t new to you, but they won’t help you if you don’t create a system to use them automatically and effectively. Let’s start with why these habits are necessary if you want to stay on top of how you manage your time.

The Time Fallacy

Human beings are habitual impressionists. We have ideas about how things are, often without checking to see how accurate our conclusions match the reality. We estimate, guesstimate, fantasize this or that, and then take it for fact.

This is particularly true of our concepts about time. How often do you say to yourself,

“I don’t have enough time!”

You have a general impression, but impressions are fraught with inaccuracy. It may be absolutely true that you have too much on your plate. I don’t question that part, but it’s likely also true that you don’t know exactly where your time goes.

The Value of Tracking

Awareness is everything when it comes to making use of your time.

Tracking is the key to developing and sustaining that awareness. Without tracking, you guess, which is highly subjective!

Here are some good examples of what tracking can tell you:

Money. If you track your income and spending over three months, you’ll know your financial status in detail. You’ll get an accurate picture of your spending habits, income, debt, and interest paid on that debt. You’ll have the information you need to take control of your finances.

Food. If you write down everything you eat for a week, including quantities and calories, you’ll have an accurate picture of your diet. You’ll know if you need to make changes to improve your health or lose weight, and you’ll see where the problem lies so you can fix it.

Social media. If you track every minute you spend on social media for one week – whether you’re just browsing, checking in, or posting – you’ll find out the quantity of time you waste that could be spent somewhere more purposeful.

When you get the hang of tracking, you can use it for any activity – work tasks, sleep, spending time with family, entertainment, or for whatever you want to know more about.

When you don’t track, you likely:

• Waste time.
• Don’t spend enough time on things that are important to you.
• Feel more anxious because you think you don’t have enough time.
• Get stressed because you feel time slipping away without accomplishing your goals.

So how do I track my time?

There’s only one way, and that’s by writing down how you spend it. And that means posting it somewhere, preferably on a calendar.

Here’s what I suggest:

For one week, post on your calendar how you use your time. You can use 15-minute increments or more if you like, but you want to be accurate and specific. If you hate using a calendar, you can use a small notebook or an app on your phone. Just make sure you keep it handy.

Get as specific as you need to get the information you seek. It helps to label activities in categories like work, sleep, eating, meal prep, laundry, watching TV, chatting with your kids or partner, running errands, etc.

At the end of a whole week, add everything up.

If you’re up for it, repeat it for another three weeks. A month is better because it will capture unexpected things that pop up.

Now for Scheduling

Once you know how you spend your time, you’ll see what you want to change. It’s always eye-opening and rewarding to track something because you learn what’s real, which gives you some control and leverage on how to make improvements.

After you complete your tracking exercise, the next step is to schedule activities thoughtfully and visually. The most effective way to do this is to schedule every activity on your calendar for the week ahead. I’m a screen person, so I use my Google calendar, which syncs across all my devices. My husband uses a wall calendar and datebook. Choose the method that works best for you.

Use these guidelines to schedule:

• Schedule from the moment you get up to the moment you turn out the lights to go to sleep.
• Schedule all your activities in reasonable blocks, but with as much specificity as you need in order to know precisely what you’ll be doing. For example, if you’re doing a work block, you might list the activities out in that space. But if you have the same morning routine every weekday, simply write “morning routine” in that time block.
• Leave small windows of time open between some of your activities for transition time or for things that pop up. This is your pad time.
• Schedule downtime! This is important. If you don’t schedule it, you’ll keep trying to find it all day and likely fritter away time in wasteful ways, like scrolling through social media or sitting in front of the tube. But, if you want to watch some TV or browse social media, schedule it! Be deliberate.
• Schedule sleep time – at least 7 to 7½ hours and preferably 8.
• Don’t make it too fancy. I color code mine in three categories – work, home, appointments/errands. That’s fancy enough. If you get super elaborate, you won’t stick with it.

Last Step

After you’ve tracked and scheduled for a month, take an hour or two and review what you’ve learned and changed. How did it work out? Are you using your time better and, are you satisfied with what you’ve accomplished? Do you need to say “no” more? What do you need to tweak?

Watching your time provides the means to make sure you’re spending it on what’s important to you. It adds up over the years.

Give it a try, and let me know how it works out. I’m accumulating stories for a book and would like to hear yours.

That’s all for today!

I’ll be back to you next Monday. Have a great week!!!!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by baona, Courtesy of iStock Photo

When you first get into a relationship, you notice everything that’s right. You see all the things you have in common. There’s lots to talk about. You love spending time together. Each other’s little quirks are endearing. You’re in love!

After being together for a year or more (although sometimes sooner), you become aware of differences. You notice personality traits and habits that bother you. They might even be things you were initially attracted to, but living with them is taxing.

If both of you are mature, self-aware, and adept at talking things through, you might easily weather these differences as they arise.

More likely, you aren’t good at that yet. And truth is, every relationship starts with an initial period of being in what’s called the “love bubble” followed by deflation or, in some cases, a bubble burst. This is when the real work of the relationship begins.

Today we’re going to talk about how to address those nagging differences. And by the way, you can use this information even if you’ve been with your partner a long time. You can also apply it to other close relationships such as parent and child, siblings, or family and friends.

Two Types of Differences

These are broad categories, but they help you get clear on what things are workable and what things aren’t.

Let’s start with what’s not. This group is called the “deal-breakers.” These are the things that aren’t negotiable. They’re behaviors or actions you cannot and will not accept.

The second category is “style differences.” They include temperament tendencies, idiosyncrasies, and habits. The term “style” used here makes it easier to see these differences with some emotional distance so you can think about them objectively.

Let’s go through some examples of each.

Deal-Breakers

The most common ones are:

• Infidelity
• Repetitive lying and dishonesty
• Physical or emotional abuse
• Substance abuse
• Opposing political affiliations
• Destructive spending habits
• Control and dominance

I’m sure you can think of more, and some of these may not be on your list. People are always curious about “political affiliation,” but for many people, this is non-negotiable.

Style Differences

These are things like:

• Money habits and philosophies on spending
• Accumulation of stuff, i.e., pack-rats versus minimalists
• Organization, cleaning, and housekeeping habits
• Sleeping needs
• Eating schedules
• Selection of TV shows, types of music, and other media
• Entertainment choices
• Socializing (introverts versus extraverts)
• Communication styles
• Love languages

Again, these are just some of the possibilities.

How to Make Use of This

If you’ve been with your partner a long time and think you have a handle on all these issues, you don’t need to read on. But I’ll bet that even if you’ve been together a long time, there are still style differences that bother you that you haven’t found a way to resolve.

Try these steps to work them out.

#1 Make two lists for your deal-breakers and style differences.

It helps to clarify exactly what you have issues with, especially those things that could lead to the destruction of the relationship. Note: It’s best if both you and your partner do this exercise simultaneously.

#2 Spell out the specific behaviors involved with each item.

Make a list with two columns: one that lists your styles and next to each one, your partner’s style. These can be similar or different styles. It’s good to get them all down. Your partner will make these same two lists. Do this part of the exercise separately first.

Examples might be you like the dishes done right after dinner, and your husband is okay with waiting until the following day to do them. You like the TV off, or much lower in volume on weekend afternoons, and your husband wants to watch movies all day with more volume. A similar style might be that you both are morning people and like to get up early and get going.

Get specific. Use a journal and keep it handy to jot things down as you think of them.

#3 Now, prioritize each item in these categories:

Differences that:

1. Enhance or are compatible with yours.
2. Bother you a lot and create discord with your partner.
3. Are bothersome, but you can deal with.

When you get through this exercise, you should have better clarity about what’s working, what’s not, and what you think needs some change.

You hopefully also have been able to think about how some of your differences complement each other. If not, go back over your two lists and make an effort to identify and write those down. They’re important.

Next Step

The obvious next step is to share your lists with your partner and vice versa. You could do this in two ways:

1. Give each other your lists to look over for a few days or maybe even a week before discussing them, or
2. Share them and discuss them at the same time.

It’s good to make some rules for the discussion.

Keep in mind that the first step is to understand how you see each other and understand each other’s style differences without judgment.

Don’t go into this discussion with an accusatory tone or a sense of exasperation.

Allow each other to explain your styles and what’s behind them. For example, why does someone save everything? Or why does it matter if the dishes are done at night? In other words, what’s important to each of you.

It’s highly beneficial to be heard and understood, even if you disagree.

Once you have your rules in place, then go through these three exercises.

#1 Go over your deal-breaker lists first.

If you find you don’t agree on something, you can talk it out, but you should seek counseling to work on this if it’s contentious. Disagreement on deal-breakers is a serious problem and shouldn’t go by the wayside.

#2 Go over your style differences and negotiate compromises.

Compromises should be win-win, not win-lose. How can you both be comfortable and feel good with whatever you decide? If you spend enough time upfront trying to understand each other and learn more about what each of you needs, then you’ll be more inclined to work things out for mutual satisfaction. It’s easier to alter your behavior when you know how it impacts your partner. Understanding creates greater tolerance and appreciation of differences.

#3 Identify the ways your differences can be complementary.

Usually, couples have a lot of similarities, and research has shown that those that do have more similarities get along better. However, some differences are very beneficial.

Suppose one of you is more oriented to problem-solving, management, and organization, and the other is more oriented toward creativity, spontaneity, and idea generation. In that case, these two orientations can work together well to open and run a business, plan an event, hold different types of jobs, and run a household.

It’s best to use the differences to complement each other rather than as a source of contention.

One Last Note

Style differences are not the same as value differences. Values are the set of principles and beliefs you live by. Styles are your personality leanings and natural temperament characteristics.

Successful couples usually hold similar values. There may be some differentiation, but overall they’re close, especially those that determine how you see the world and what principles you expect to flow through your relationship. Values underlie your deal-breakers.

If you can agree on deal-breakers and you hold similar principles and values, style differences can be worked out and can enrich the relationship.

That’s all for today. Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by IPGGutenbergUKLtd, Courtesy of iStock Photo

So what’s the first thing you think of when you read that title?

Mine would be “practice.” If you want to get better at anything, you have to practice.

(If that wasn’t yours, shoot me an email and tell me what it was. I’m curious!)

Certainly, other things would help, but “practice” has to be a significant component. And not just any practice, but something called “deliberate practice.”

I’ll give you a quick overview of what that is, and then lay out the five steps to use it.

What exactly is “deliberate practice?”

If you do something over and over to get better at it, isn’t that deliberate practice?

Yes and no. Repetition is essential, but there’s more to it than that.

Deliberate practice requires three additional elements along with repetition.

1. Conscious focus. You have to engage your mind in the process with intensive focus. For example, you can repeat an action mindlessly, like lifting weights while watching TV. But it’s better if you turn the TV off and focus diligently on the muscles you’re using, the effort you expend with each lift, and maintaining the correct form.
2. Consistent attempts to improve. Along with focus, you must keep trying to get better with each repetition, tweaking your practice as you go.
3. Evaluation and feedback to monitor your progress. You need to establish a system to evaluate and get feedback on your performance in order to see where and how you need to improve. This may include having a teacher, mentor, or coach who can assist you.

Now let’s apply this to a real skill and go through the steps.

5 Steps to Improving a Skill

Step #1: Choose the skill you want to improve.

Suppose you decide that you want to become a highly-skilled communicator. That’s your goal.

Your first step is to identify the skills you need to get there. Then you choose one and practice it until you’ve reached a high level of competence, after which you can tackle your next one. Your practice aims to build skills, not focus directly on the goal.

Sticking with our example, let’s go through all five steps.

The goal is to become a good communicator. The skill we’re going to focus on is “listening.”

I chose that one because it’s a single, concrete skill you can break down and measure in specific actions. You’ll see what I mean as we go through the steps.

Step #2: Do your research.

What exactly does good listening entail? What are the mechanics of it?

Be thorough in your research and get the best information you can from sources that are valid. Start with reading up on it or interviewing someone who has the skills and know-how you need. You could also ask people close to you what they look for when they want someone to listen to them, as well as ask yourself the same question.

Write all these requirements down with as much specificity as you can. Spell out the exact behaviors you want to get good at.

Examples might be:

• Face the person, make eye contact, sit or stand in a relaxed manner, keep your facial expression open and receptive.
• Allow enough personal space.
• Put all digital devices away and silence them.
• Invite the person to talk and remain quiet and attentive until they come to a break in the conversation or ask for feedback.
• Ask questions to clarify, and repeat back what you hear to make sure you understand.
• Empathize by verbalizing how you think the person is feeling.

Once you have everything written, you can use it as a checklist to monitor your progress.

Step #3: Set up a system of practice.

How will you go about practicing these behaviors to increase your skill with each one?

First, choose someone to practice with – maybe someone you’re close to, like a partner or friend. You might decide to practice with everyone, but to get feedback, start with someone you know well so they can help you evaluate your performance.

Secondly, set a schedule. It’s harder to be exact with a skill like listening, but you can set a goal to practice at least once or twice a day with a specific person. Make your practice plan as detailed as you can and either get it on a to-do list or on your calendar.

Step #4: Evaluate and track your progress.

The fourth step is to evaluate your progress and tweak your activity to make improvements.

Schedule your evaluation activities right in with your practice sessions. I would do this in two parts:

1. Do a quick evaluation directly after each practice session.
2. Do a weekly review that’s more thoughtful and thorough once a week.

Using our listening example, you could jot down notes right after a listening episode and do your more formalized review of all your notes once a week.

During your weekly review, measure your progress against that checklist you created and set up revised strategies to make improvements.

Step #5: Feedback and Accountability

A big part of the evaluation process is getting feedback. You could get direct feedback from the person or people you’ve practiced listening with and ask them specific questions related to all the behaviors listed on your checklist. For example:

• Did my body language come across well?
• What specifically did you like or not like?
• Did you feel heard? What could I do to make you feel even more heard?
• Did you think I understood your feelings? Did I empathize well enough?
• Were you comfortable?
• Did I give you time enough to say what you wanted to say?
• What could I improve upon or change next time?

You could also consult someone who’s an expert in the area of communication such as a counselor or therapist, or you could continue using new communication strategies you’ve found in your research and try them out.

Whatever you choose, it’s good to set up accountability for yourself. You could either check in regularly with someone you’ve selected to help or, if you’re relatively self-disciplined, show up consistently with your weekly reviews and monitor your next steps toward your overall goal.

I do both. I conduct a weekly review with myself every Saturday morning for my writing, and I read my blog to my husband each week to get his feedback before making final edits. I’ve also promised publicly to publish a blog every week. All those things keep me accountable and focused on improving.

How You Can Learn More

Deliberate practice as a method for excelling at something came about in part from refuting Malcolm Gladwell’s popularized idea that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to master a skill and achieve a high level of excellence. (See Outliers.)

The originator of the deliberate practice concept, Anders Ericsson, agreed that repetition was necessary, but he added in those three modifiers – consistent focus, intensive systematic effort to improve, and qualified feedback.

If you’re interested in reading more about deliberate practice and how it works, here are several books I’d recommend:

Peak by Anders Ericsson
Deep Work by Cal Newport
The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle
The Practicing Mind by Thomas M. Sterner

You might also like to hear Malcolm Gladwell’s explanation of his ideas on this Youtube video.

That’s all for today. Until next Monday, have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara