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Motivation is a slippery friend: Sometimes, you’ve got it, and tackling goals is easy, but sometimes, it plays hide-and-seek and makes you work to find it. Sometimes, it’s missing in action altogether.

The problem is that you can’t get yourself going without it, nor can you reach a goal without sustaining it long enough to cross the finish line.

If you wait for it to appear, you might wait forever. So you have to nudge it.

To do that, you need to know how it works and what strategies to use to get it going and keep it going as long as you need it.

Let’s start with how it works.

Optimal Arousal

According to the arousal theory of motivation, getting the energy and drive you need to motivate you depends on your level of arousal. Arousal, in this case, refers to how alert you are, your energy level, and how well you can attend and focus.

Motivation is best when the overall arousal level is optimal, which means it’s not too high or too low.

When it’s too low, you might feel tired, blah, sad, depressed, or generally unmotivated to do anything.

When it’s too high, you could feel anxious, overly excited, keyed up, aggressive, or stressed out.

At an optimal level, you have just the right amount of drive and energy coupled with enough calmness to direct your attention where you want it to go. You feel energized to tackle what you want to accomplish.

You’ve heard people talk about being in the zone or working in a state of flow, yes? This means they have an optimal level of arousal and feel motivated to engage in their work without resistance.

However, everyone has their own unique optimal arousal level.

That means that the first step in working with your motivation is to become familiar with how much arousal you need and what that looks like.

Someone who gets overstimulated easily or likes to work quietly needs a lower level of arousal, whereas someone who thrives on external stimulation needs a higher arousal level.

How Do You Discover Your Optimal Arousal Level?

Through trial and error.

Your goal is to figure out where your sweet spot is, and a good way to do that is to examine three types of arousal. That will help you pinpoint where you need to make changes.

Here they are:

1. Mental Arousal: You feel mentally aroused when your interest is captured, and you want to learn more. You’re intellectually intrigued and curious to explore. You feel alert and energized.
2. Emotional Arousal: Emotional arousal are the feelings that accompany your mental arousal or lack of it. It can be a rush of excitement, enthusiasm, passion, joy, or conversely, fear, sadness, overwhelm, or anxiety. Depending on the situation, you may have a heightened sense of pleasure or alarm.
3. Physical Arousal: You experience arousal in your body, which increases your alertness and readiness to engage in action. You feel energetic. However, if you’re tired, overwhelmed, or anxious, your body lets you know and interferes with your motivation.

All three types of arousal can occur together. One can precede the other, or they might all happen simultaneously.

Knowing about them means you can engineer healthy levels of each type to facilitate more arousal and increase your motivation.

You do need to be aware, however, that arousal will only improve your motivation up to your optimal arousal level.

If you go past that, you may become overwhelmed and, if below that, find yourself unable to take action. You have to observe yourself in different situations to see what works best for you.

The Two Types of Motivation

A second factor that significantly affects motivation is the type. There are two types: extrinsic and intrinsic.

1. Extrinsic motivation comes from outside of you. You’re motivated to act or achieve a goal based on external rewards such as recognition, praise, money, or status. You might also be motivated by avoiding punishment or loss.
2. Intrinsic motivation comes from within you and provides meaning, a sense of satisfaction, enjoyment, or personal well-being. It aligns with who you are, your purpose, and what interests you.

Sometimes, both types of motivation stimulate your drive.

For example, if you learned a new skill to improve your job performance, you could be motivated by an internal sense of accomplishment at learning something new.

You could also be motivated by positive recognition from your boss or a promotion or raise.

Research has shown that intrinsic motivation is more potent because it isn’t dependent on changeable outside variables.

It is also more likely to last when obstacles arise, and motivation is more challenging to maintain.

Motivation has three components, and without all of them, it can quickly wane.

1. Activation is the “start” phase of motivation. You take action to begin the steps toward achieving your goal. An example would be setting up a budget to control overspending if your goal is to get out of debt.
2. Persistence is the sustained effort to stay on task despite obstacles. If you had a lapse of controlled spending, persistence would mean accepting your temporary lapse and getting right back on your budget without giving up.
3. Intensity is the energy and strength of focus that you apply to attaining your goal. For example, you might seek to learn more about how to pay off credit cards successfully and increase your income.

In this example, extrinsic motivation could be avoiding a bad credit score that keeps you from buying a house.

Intrinsic motivation might be gaining control over your impulses, gaining the freedom and ability to build your future, and feeling good about yourself.

When approaching any goal, it’s good to ask yourself what both your intrinsic and extrinsic motivations might be. That alone can help jump-start your motivation.

Now, let’s move to some strategies you can use to increase your motivation.

Strategies That Help

Starters

One of the most challenging aspects of feeling unmotivated is getting started. Here are four ideas.

1. Don’t ask yourself if you want to do something. If you entertain that question, you’re encouraging your resistance, which will take a tighter hold on you. Of course you don’t want to do it, or you would be doing it already. Stop considering your desire to do it. That’s procrastination.
2. Use the 10-minute rule. Commit to doing one thing for 10 minutes. When you’re done, you can ask yourself if you want to do more, but you don’t have to. Just get started.
3. Pair the thing you dread doing with something you enjoy. Watch TV while cooking or folding clothes. Listen to music or a podcast while exercising. Drink a big cup of coffee with a candle burning while you review your finances.
4. Act like you are motivated. What would you be doing if you were motivated? Where would you be, what preparations would you make, and what would be your state of mind? Use your imagination and talk yourself into it. It’ll give you a strong nudge.

Sustained Effort

Once you’ve started, use these strategies to keep going when you want to quit.

• Imagine how you’ll feel when you reach your goal. What are the rewards? Consider both intrinsic and extrinsic rewards. Visualize them and put yourself there.
• Break your work into smaller tasks and focus on only one at a time.
• Remind yourself why this task matters. Intrinsic reward is motivating. So, finding something that fills that need will help you stay with it. It’s your why.
• Do the hard things first. Work on the tasks that take the most mental energy early in the day. You have more willpower at that time. As the day goes on, your willpower declines.

Optimal Arousal Level

Assess your mental, emotional, and physical arousal levels based on what you know about yourself.

Do you need more or less stimulation to be motivated?

For more:

• Exercise.
• Go to a setting where there are more people, like a coffee shop.
• Talk to someone you can bounce ideas off of and who is enthusiastic about what you want to do.
• Listen to an inspiring podcast that revs you up.
• Play a stimulating video game for 15 minutes and then go to work.

For less:

• Take a walk outside in nature.
• Meditate.
• Make sure you’ve had enough sleep. Take a nap if necessary.
• Take a bath or shower.
• Read for a while and then work.
• Do a house chore that organizes your mind.

The key to arousal is learning how you respond to stimuli by watching yourself and then choosing activities to adjust your response.

Self-Talk

While it’s good to be honest with yourself about your behavior and mistakes, it’s necessary to approach yourself with compassion.

Don’t allow yourself to sink into a mire of pessimism and criticism.

Remind yourself of situations in which you’ve overcome a lack of motivation. Review how you did it and affirm that you can do it again.

Self-Care

The last strategy is to ensure you’re giving yourself the fuel you need to maintain motivation.

That means getting enough sleep, exercise, and good food to keep your mind sharp and your mood stable.

A Reading Recommendation

If you like reading, a favorite book on motivation is ​Drive​ by Daniel Pink. I highly recommend it.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES:

_{American Psychological Association. Arousal theory}

_{Bandhu, D., Mohan, M. M., Anurag, N., Nittala, P., Jadhav, P., Bhadauria, A., & Saxena, K. K. (2024, April). Theories of motivation: A comprehensive analysis of human behavior drivers. Acta Psychologica, vol. 244. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.actpsy.2024.104177}

_{Cherry, K. (2023, May 3). Motivation: The driving force behind our actions. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-motivation-2795378}

_{Cherry, K. (2023, December 10). How arousal theory of motivation works. Very Well Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/the-arousal-theory-of-motivation-2795380}

_{Duhigg, C. (2016). Smarter faster better: The transformation power of real productivity. Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.}

_{Nickerson, C. (2023, Sept. 22). Arousal theory of motivation in psychology: Definition and examples. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/arousal-theory-of-motivation.html}

_{Pink, D. H. (2011).  Drive: The surprising truth about what motivates us. Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.}

_{Tarver, E. (2020, April 28). Arousal Theory of Motivation: Definition, Principles & Optimization. https://evantarver.com/arousal-theory-of-motivation/}

_{Yerkes, R. M. & Dodson, J. D. (1908). The relation of strength of stimulus to rapidity of habit-formation.  Journal of Comparative Neurology & Psychology. 18(5), 459-482. https://doi.org/10.1002/cne.920180503}

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When it comes to defining marital roles, who’s responsible for what is a subject of great controversy for many couples.

If you look at couples in the 1950s (watch an episode of I Love Lucy), you’ll see well-defined roles: the husband works and earns the money to pay the bills, and the wife takes care of the home and children. There’s some crossover, but not much.

Now look at today. There are no standardized, accepted patterns. There are many iterations of couple roles. Some still look like the 1950s version, but mostly, there’s a mix.

Many factors have contributed to the shift, but the most momentous change is that many women now work outside the home.

Taking care of the home, children, and finances are often split between both parents, but not necessarily down the middle.

How do you decide? Maybe more to the point, do you choose or just let it happen?

It’s best to tackle this issue consciously and deliberately. Otherwise, conflicts can quickly arise creating resentments and distance.

Here are some strategies to use to help you develop a good plan.

Discuss Expectations

Start at the beginning. Find out what each of you expects of each other and of yourselves. If you don’t do that, you’ll be operating in the dark, which won’t go well.

The questions are:

1. What are all the responsibilities and tasks that need to be handled daily?
2. Which ones do you expect yourself to do, and which ones are for your partner? (take turns saying)
3. How can you divvy it up so you’re both happy?
4. How are you going to negotiate changes as you go along?

Writing these down is recommended so you can refer to them later when you need to tweak something. Having them in print also makes things more straightforward and memorable.

Here are some ideas that might help you create expectations.

Play to Each Other’s Strengths

Some couples want each other to be able to do everything.

Both of you cook, clean, work, spend time monitoring the kids, run errands, and so on. Some couples do this well and are happy with it. If that’s the case, you’ve got it under control.

In those cases, it’s likely that each person grew up in a household where everyone had multiple responsibilities and learned how to do all those things.

For example, in my household, my brothers learned to clean as well as the girls and had many of the same chores. All of us could babysit. All of us learned to cook.

So, when we set up a house with our spouses, we were more likely to be similarly involved in all the responsibilities.

But it’s not always that way, is it?

In my husband’s home, the girls did all those home-related chores, and the men worked, made the money, kept up the yard, and did the more stereotyped male chores.

When we got married, significant differences in backgrounds showed up quickly in our household.

In situations like these, you have to negotiate.

In our case, it became clear that an excellent way to do this was to play to each other’s strengths and figure out how to make them complementary.

• Who’s best at managing household problems?
• Who needs more time for career-building?
• Who wants to work more on money and financial concerns?
• How can time be divided to do the chores, and who does what best?

That doesn’t mean that just because one person can clean much better than the other, they should do all the cleaning. It means that you assign duties based on preferences and know-how, yet stay flexible.

You must make it equitable, but it can be an effective solution. It takes some trial and error and a lot of flexibility to get it right.

Reverse Roles Once in a While

There’s nothing like reversing roles to see what your partner’s life is like.

If you’re not the person who usually stays home when the kids are sick, do that next time it happens. And on that day or days, do the same chores your spouse would be doing.

Or, work overtime and then come home to review the budget, pay the bills, take time with the kids, and help with the dishes.

Swap things out to keep yourself aware of the levels of stress you each have.

It’s not always possible to do that, but take those opportunities to change places when possible. And when you can’t, talk about it with interest and understanding for each other.

Stay in Touch Emotionally

This is the big one.

If you aren’t aware of how your partner is feeling on a daily basis and don’t take the time to check in about it, distance can creep in.

When that happens, you lose touch with how stressed your partner may feel or what they’re dealing with.

You lose empathy and can get singularly focused on your load and become resentful because you don’t think you have enough help.

An effective way to ensure you stay on top of this problem is to set aside regular time every day to check in, even if it’s just a half hour or less.

Then, once a week, set aside a more lengthy time to review how you’re both doing, what kinds of things you’re dealing with, and how you’re feeling.

You each need to feel seen and heard.

Any problem a couple has will be exacerbated when the relationship has become distant.

I recently watched a YouTube video by Nick Wignall, a writer and psychotherapist, titled Why Relationships Get Stale. He focused on emotional distance caused by three practices:

1. Emotional skimming
2. Emotional skirting
3. Emotional squashing

Quickly, emotional skimming is giving cursory attention to the other person’s feelings without any real depth. Emotional skirting is avoiding their emotions, and emotional squashing is invalidating them.

All three of these practices shut down the lifeblood of an intimate relationship.

Click on the title to watch the video. It’s worth your time.

Reduce the Overall Load

Take time at least once a month to streamline your routines.

• Is your list of tasks and to-dos bloated?
• Is your system working well?

Ask these questions for each of you individually and then as a couple.

• Can you remove anything from your daily routine?
• Can you operate more effectively together?

Perhaps you can streamline your processes to use your time more wisely and create more space in your days.

When you work together to devise a better process, you’ll make things more efficient and feel connected and on the same side.

Be real partners!

Get Outside Help

You might not have this option, but if you can, do it. Maybe it’s having someone clean the house once a month or once every two weeks.

You could get a babysitter once a week to go out together for some adult downtime.

Use a food service once a week. Get a part-time nanny to help with the kids.

All of these things cost money and may not be options. But, if you can, even one thing could help lift the stress.

Last Note

If you have children, involve them in family chores.

Your chores should be age-appropriate, of course, but the sooner your kids feel that being part of a family is participating in taking care of the home, the better off they’ll be, and so will you.

Some parents do everything for their kids, which has two questionable effects:

1. The kids feel entitled and can’t understand when things aren’t done for them.
2. You feel more stressed and overworked, which leads to burnout and resentment.

Make chores a family affair so your kids learn to handle responsibility and be part of a team.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

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Everyone is plagued by self-doubt sometimes. It’s normal. On the positive side, it helps you avoid impulsive actions that have negative repercussions. However, self-doubt becomes a problem when it’s pervasive and paralyzes you or sends you into a frenzy of activity to overcome it.

In both cases, self-doubt seeps into your identity and controls how you see yourself. It invades your self-talk, compromises social interactions, and consumes your attention.

It’s miserable and has you swinging back and forth between anxiety and depression.

At its worst, self-doubt develops into full-blow imposter syndrome, where you remain a hostage to relentless self-attack.

I will focus today on imposter syndrome because it’s where self-doubt lives. You can use any of the strategies for overcoming imposter syndrome to help you with your self-doubts, even minor ones.

Let’s start with a definition.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

Imposter Syndrome is an underlying belief that you’re a fraud even when your accomplishments and achievements say otherwise.

That’s the general definition. However, your assumptions are what drive that belief. Here are the most common ones.

• Everyone knows more than I do (and it’ll always be that way).
• All my accomplishments are just luck and good timing or because someone else laid the groundwork for me.
• I’m not as smart and talented as other people, and I never will be.
• Even though it appears I’m competent, people will find out pretty quickly that I’m not.

Generally, people with imposter syndrome are accomplished but downplay their achievements and never feel like they’ve done enough or done it well enough.

Dr. Valerie Young, the founder of the ​Imposter Syndrome Institute​ and an expert in the field, has identified five types of imposter syndrome that help explain how self-doubt manifests.

Let’s review them.

1. The Perfectionist

The perfectionist focuses primarily on performance. The outcome must be perfect. Anything less than 100% is unacceptable and results in failure and shame.

There’s always the belief that you could have done better, and even if others affirm your competence and worth, they don’t realize you’re not as good as they think you are.

2. The Expert

The expert focuses on attaining a perfect level of knowledge: How much do you know?

If you don’t know everything there is to know about a particular topic or area of expertise, then you aren’t an expert. Even though you know a significant amount and have experience and expertise, that doesn’t count.

You’re a fake parading as an expert, and other people will find you out.

3. The Natural Genius

This person focuses on how easy it is to achieve or accomplish something.

If you struggle to master a skill or subject, you’re not smart or talented enough. You’re mediocre.

If I can’t write this article off the top of my head in 30 minutes with little need for editing, then I don’t have what it takes to be a good writer.

4. The Soloist

You should be able to accomplish things on your own. You’re not genuinely competent if you need help or coaching from others.

5. The Superhuman

This person must be able to do it all and do it perfectly and quickly simultaneously. You’re the master multi-tasker and keep many plates spinning in the air at once.

Only the hardest worker and master juggler is competent and worthy. Falling short is a failure and, again, leads to shame.

How to Combat Imposter Syndrome

You can see from the five types outlined above that self-doubt and imposter syndrome go hand in hand. They both rely on these three personality traits and patterns.

1. Low self-efficacy. Self-efficacy is your belief in your ability to achieve any particular goal or task. People with significant self-doubt question their ability to succeed to the point that they create a self-fulfilling prophecy and don’t perform well.
2. Perfectionism. You need to be able to perform 100% in every situation.
3. Neuroticism. You tend to experience negative emotions and reactions like anxiety, depression, anger, and guilt often.

The Strategies

Strategies to overcome self-doubt and imposter syndrome aim to chip away at these three personality characteristics. By using these strategies, you get a handle on them. Here they are.

#1 Always be a student.

If you adopt the practice of being open to new information, methods, and ideas, you will be a perpetual student who enjoys learning.

A quick story applies:

In his book ​Think Again​, Adam Grant tells the story of giving a speech at a conference.

Sitting in the audience was Daniel Kahneman, the author of the well-known book ​Thinking Fast and Slow​.

Adam presented some studies and findings that challenged something Dr. Kahneman had endorsed.

Instead of being upset or offended, Dr. Kahneman told Adam he enjoyed being proven wrong and learning something new because now “he’s less wrong than he was before.”

Learning, knowledge, and expertise are fluid, and focusing on growth and learning instead of needing to be on top allows you to flourish and enjoy the process as you go.

#2 Focus on contribution instead of identity.

A quicker way to say this is to focus on what you give rather than how people perceive you.

Keep your attention on what’s needed.

For example, if you work with other people, what do they most need from you that you have to offer?

If you’re writing, who is your audience, what problems do they need addressing, or what inspires them?

How are your skills helpful to those on the receiving end?

The same applies to social interactions. What do you contribute to the well-being of people you interact with?

Instead of worrying about how they see you, consider how you affect them. Are you showing interest and empathy, setting a needed boundary, or listening?

Self-doubt prevents you from considering how to help because it keeps you focused on yourself.

You get all wrapped up in feeling anxious and lamenting what you think you don’t have. We all do it, so this isn’t a criticism but something to consider.

Think of yourself as a player on a team. You have something to contribute to the overall success and operation of the team. You’re needed. Your job is to do your best without sinking into self-criticism.

If you need to improve a skill, take the time to practice, but don’t let the mantra “I’m not good enough” distract you. It siphons off energy and time you could spend improving.

#3 Practice.

Practice is a never-ending part of life.

People who succeed and who evolve love practice.

It’s not just a means to an end but a rewarding experience because it involves fully engaging yourself in the present moment and becoming one with what you’re doing.

Someone can have natural talent and quickly pick up skills; however, the person who works consistently and diligently at improving a skill is the most successful.

#4 Make friends with mistakes.

Imposter syndrome and self-doubt are methods of resisting owning your mistakes. You pretend you shouldn’t make mistakes, fail, or sometimes miss the boat.

Any progress involves making mistakes and overcoming obstacles.

People have a hard time accepting this.

This is especially true if you were raised in a family where mistakes were forbidden and severely punished.

Research has shown that people deeply entrenched in imposter syndrome either had parents who were overly critical and didn’t help them learn how to accept and navigate failures, or parents who heaped on praise using superlative adjectives like “You’re the most talented kid I’ve ever seen!”

Either way, the message is, “The only acceptable way to be is to be perfect.”

#5 Stay away from comparing yourself to others.

Comparison can be helpful if you use it to improve, but for people who have significant self-doubts or imposter syndrome, it’s deadly.

Stick to making incremental improvements measured by your performance in whatever area you’re working on. You are your measuring stick, and you must create your own pace for progress.

A Quick Sum-Up

• Embrace your voice and skills and share them.
• Everyone doesn’t need precisely the same thing, so your unique delivery may assist someone in a way that someone else’s doesn’t or didn’t.
• It’s not just your skills but how you use them to provide service that’s your own. Only you can do that.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Carl Heyerdahl on Unsplash

I love being productive and spend a lot of time researching methods to increase my productivity. It’s rewarding when you can do something faster, easier, and better. No doubt about it!

But it’s got a dark side. I’m noticing that trend more. There’s a growing obsession with accomplishment and a neverending desire for more.

Today, I’ll give you a quick summary of this mindset and how to separate productivity from it so that you can use it to your advantage without it using you.

The Desire for More

How many times have you heard of billionaires whose primary focus is to make more money?

It’s not like they need it, but it’s become an obsession.

That’s an example most of us need never worry about, but the dynamic is something of concern.

You set a goal, work hard at it, and achieve it. But instead of savoring it, you feel discontent and move quickly to a new goal. Something bigger. Something grander.

There’s nothing wrong with working toward accomplishments. It’s a necessary drive that increases our overall survival and sense of worth. But there’s a runaway quality to it when it becomes obsessive.

Chris Bailey calls this trend “the accomplishment mindset.” Here’s his very apt description:

The accomplishment mindset is a conditioned set of attitudes and beliefs that drives us to constantly strive to accomplish more. We always want to fill our time with something and feel guilty when spending it in a “nonoptimal” way. This mindset leads us to continually think about the opportunity cost of our time and how to use our limited time to achieve more.

Opportunity cost is a business term that refers to the cost of engaging in one activity at the expense of something that would net greater gain.

Should you read through your emails or finish that sales ad?

Applying it more globally, you might decide that taking a 15-minute break to relax is a wasted opportunity to check three more things off your list.

That nagging voice in your head tells you you’re lazy when you don’t have the pedal to the floor.

There’s an addictive quality to the accomplishment mindset that won’t let you relax. You feel unworthy when you aren’t “being productive.”

Downtime makes you anxious and edgy.

The Trifecta

The trifecta looks like this:

Desire for More > Accomplishment Mindset > Productivity

Or the reverse could be true. You focus more and more on productivity and get swept up in accomplishing things, followed by an increasing need for more.

What eventually happens is that productivity becomes your identity.

And when you’re not being productive, you feel discontent and unhappy with yourself.

But isn’t productivity an asset?

Yes, it is, if used correctly.

Productivity is the science of how to get things done to achieve and accomplish goals.

It’s supposed to help you get your work done efficiently so you have time for yourself and activities that are important to you.

If you have a productive workday and can end it at a reasonable time, you can spend quality time with your family, partner, or friends. You can kick back, watch a show you like, or read a good book.

Productivity is a tool to use so you can enjoy all aspects of your life.

Strategies That Keep Productivity in Check

1. Be Aware of Obsessiveness

Most people don’t consider whether they’re obsessive or their actions are driven by compulsion. That’s something that belongs to a mental health diagnosis that’s out there somewhere and applies to other people.

Don’t kid yourself. All of us have tendencies to become obsessed with things. Some more than others, but it can also apply to you and me. And it does.

When you do something repetitively and feel uncomfortable when you aren’t or can’t do it, it’s time to pay attention.

There’s that fine line between choice and compulsion; when you’re aware of crossing it, you can back up a bit and put the reins on it.

Creating a productive or good habit is a choice. You decide to do something regularly because it’s in your best interest, like exercise.

You may grow to need it, but you keep a check on overdoing it, and you’re successful at it.

However, if you find yourself exercising three times a day every day and feel depressed if you miss one, you no longer have a habit that’s good for you.

You have an obsession combined with compulsive behavior.

Productivity itself can become an obsession with a compulsive need for accomplishment. You have to do it; when you don’t, you feel empty.

That’s a problem.

Just be aware of habits versus compulsions and keep a check on them.

2. Practice periods of silence.

I totally understand if you made a face at that, but give it a try anyway.

The specific practice is to spend time sitting, lying down, or walking silently. You can make it pleasant. For example, you can sit outside if you have a yard, park bench, or someplace interesting. But, be quiet.

Put all your tech away and let your mind wander. No music. Don’t engage in any other activity.

If it’s hard for you to do, start with ten minutes and work toward thirty.

The goal is to be able to do it, enjoy it, and get comfortable with it.

If you can, do it daily.

3. Spend time with other people.

Spend time with your family, partner, kids, friends, or whomever you like without a goal.

It can be fun, like playing board games or cards. Maybe go out for coffee. Walk around the block. Or just hang out and chat.

But no screens!

Now, it is fun to watch movies or TV together, and that’s fine too, but spend some time outside of that. Make screen time additional.

And please put your phones away when you’re talking to each other – speaking of addictions!

4. Savor your accomplishments.

When you’ve achieved a goal or gotten a lot done, take some time to savor and enjoy it.

Bask in the good feeling of having gotten to the finish line. Don’t jump right into the next thing, and the next, and the next.

The whole purpose of productivity is to enjoy the process using the best methodology and means to meet your goal, but then to let it be for a while and enjoy the benefits.

Productivity is a tool for your use, not who you are.

Keep your identity and your work separate. Identity is more about values and beliefs and how you express them.

5. Divide time.

Time can all run together, especially since we have so much to do. Sometimes, I’m incredulous about the expectations our culture demands of us and what we demand of ourselves.

You have to consistently counteract those demands by deliberately setting aside time for yourself and your relationships and resting.

However, you must be comfortable with those activities to do that. Many of us aren’t.

No worries. You can change that. It’s a matter of carving out that time and using it specifically for being instead of doing.

Make it repetitive until it is comfortable.

The silence exercises will help you with that.

6. Mediation, Exercise, and Good Diet

I always include these three things, and you may tired of hearing about them, but they are regular habits that counteract the culture of more, accomplishment mindset, and productivity on speed.

Exercise draws you out of your head and into your body, which is a very effective way of releasing stress and refocusing your priorities.

Regular meditation creates an ongoing awareness of yourself and a foundation of calm that helps you act with intention rather than compulsion.

Bad diets make you anxious and depressed. People don’t seem to believe or understand that, but science has shown it to be true. Watch what you eat.

Last Thing

All these suggestions aim to help you develop better habits and rewire your brain to gain more control over your life.

Let’s wrap it up with this quote:

Make productivity your aide and friend, but remember that you’re the boss. Use it, but don’t be it.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by kieferpix, Courtesy of iStockPhoto

How do you get comfortable with discomfort? Is it possible?

Yes, it is. You can learn to do it. But first, you have to know what it means.

Getting comfortable with discomfort means accepting uncomfortable situations as they arise without resisting them.

It doesn’t mean you enjoy them. But you meet them with a willingness to engage and respond to them with tolerance. Your reactions are constructive, and when possible, you find the silver linings they offer.

Let me give you some ideas and strategies I’ve found helpful to facilitate these steps.

1. Your Best Self

This strategy is my favorite and helps accomplish the others we’re reviewing today.

The best-self strategy is what it sounds like. In any given situation, pause and ask yourself this question:

How would my best self react to this situation? What are the thoughts, actions, and emotions that will align with my values and create a helpful response?

This isn’t a lightweight question. It takes some real thought, which is helpful because it engages your thinking brain and prevents you from getting dragged down by runaway emotions.

Your best self is your inner voice, which serves as your conscience and guide and, if you use it right, your friend.

That said, make sure your best self doesn’t feel like a hammer beating you up. It should inspire confidence as you visualize what and who you strive to be.

It feels good to watch yourself rehearse how you want to respond to any situation with the best of who you are.

That in itself is inspiring, even when what’s coming at you is ugly or anxiety-provoking.

Now for the second strategy.

2. Act Deliberately With Intention

The second strategy is to ensure that when you feel uncomfortable but need to respond, you act with deliberation and intention.

Reactivity is usually immediate and emotional and occurs without much reflection.

Sometimes, that’s beneficial because the situation calls for it. But most times, it’s not. It’s better to step back and think before acting.

When you ask your best self how to respond, and think carefully about your goal, you act with intention.

You know what you’re trying to accomplish and why, and you proceed in a manner you’ll feel good about later. You’re acting in line with your values and principles.

Sometimes, your response may be to take no action. For example, you might react with silence if someone is overly critical or nasty because it’s the best response. Or you might set a boundary or leave.

Depending on what’s happening, taking the time to consult your best self and then decide on a deliberate response will keep your sense of self intact and consistent.

The silver lining is that dealing with discomfort is often a means of growth and learning for everyone involved.

For example, you might give someone something they need even if they don’t want it. When you meet someone’s meanness with silence or kindness, they get something positive even as they repel it.

You get something, too. You get the satisfaction of acting in a way that aligns with who you are and who you want to be. It strengthens rather than weakens you.

You can also use that idea to help you decide how to respond. Ask yourself:

Is how I’m thinking of responding going to strengthen or weaken me in the long run?

Now, the third strategy.

3. Stay Clear on Your Responsibility

Discomfort can arise from resisting responsibility. This can take two forms:

1. Not living up to your responsibilities through avoidance, denial, procrastination, or all of the above.
2. Blurring the lines between your responsibilities and those that belong to someone else.

Both situations weaken your resolve. They’re not in line with your best self.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take time to relax, rest, and shore up your energy. You have a responsibility to yourself to do that.

But when action is needed, you must respond in the best way possible. Again, with deliberation and intention.

The key here is to not avoid your responsibilities. And when you consult your best self, you don’t have any problem figuring that out or knowing what to do.

Blurred lines of responsibility is a more complex problem because it’s more likely to involve messy emotional issues such as:

• Worrying about someone’s welfare and not letting them learn lessons independently.
• Taking up the slack for someone’s avoidance because things need to be done.
• Responding to misplaced guilt when you don’t take care of everyone and everything.

Any of those practices have negative repercussions.

From a psychological standpoint, they wear away and weaken your intention because a part of you knows they’re not in the best interest of you or the other person. They perpetuate bad habits and negative outcomes.

Again, what does your best self tell you in these situations? What’s best for you and the other person?

When you’re honest with your answers, you know what shifts you need to take.

Anytime you ignore what you know to be right or the best action, you weaken yourself.

Temporary help is fine, but long-term help that plays to someone’s weaknesses isn’t good for anyone.

Now for the last strategy.

4. Live Consciously

This strategy encompasses all the others.

Living consciously means paying attention.

It’s easy to lapse into the daily grind, going through the routines, collapsing in the evening in front of the tube or a screen, and doing it all over again the next day.

It’s hard not to do that. It takes energy to keep your self-awareness sharp and to consider with any real thought how you’re living or what you’re doing.

But, depending on how old you are, you probably have noticed that the longer you live, the faster time goes. Here’s a quote from Steven K. Scott that puts this in perspective:

The average adult in America only lives for 3,950 weeks. If you’re 30 years old, you’ve already used 1,560 of those weeks. If you’re 40, you’ve used 2,080, and if you are 51, you may only have 1,300 weeks left.

Sobering, huh?

Living consciously means being aware of the value of your time and using it to live your principles, fulfill your purpose(s), deepen essential relationships, and conduct your life in ways you approve of and feel good about.

To do that, it helps to carve out a small piece of time daily to ask yourself how you’re doing and if you lived your best self today.

Naturally, no one lives their best self every day, but everyone does have the opportunity to review and make improvements so that the general direction is positive.

Attempting to live consciously is rewarding because doing even a little of it encourages doing more. It’s a muscle that grows quickly when you exercise it.

It’s relieving, too. When you keep your consciousness a little removed from the activity of daily life—enough to observe it—you gain some control, which always feels good. You take yourself off autopilot.

It puts you in the driver’s seat, gives you hope, and inspires you to evolve. It’s energizing.

A Quick Story

Let me tell you a quick story:

I took these last several weeks off because I was on vacation. But the first night of my vacation, I had a sore throat and continued getting sicker over the next week.

I spent the whole vacation feeling ill and certainly wasn’t happy about it, but there was a silver lining. I was forced to rest, which I needed.

I binge-watched episodes of the 1950s Andy Griffith Show amidst naps on the couch. In the process, I was reminded of the importance of being kind to each other and honoring our differences.

From there, the ideas in this blog popped up unbidden in my head, and I was able to draft it.

There’s always something to learn or recognize when facing discomfort. The question is, will you take advantage?

That’s all for today!

Have a great week.

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Lala Azizli on Unsplash

Imagine this scenario: You give a speech to the whole staff at work, and it goes really well except for one moment when you fumble over your words, but you recover nicely.

What’s your takeaway?

I’m betting you’ll replay that word fumble over and over in your mind even though you did well and got great feedback from the staff.

Why is that?

There’s an excellent reason, and fortunately, there’s something you can do about it.

Let’s start with why it happens.

Why do negative thoughts have so much power?

It’s simple. You have a natural negativity bias built into your brain that keeps you primed to scan the environment for possible harm or danger.

If you think about the news for a moment, you’ll note that most news stories are negative and aim to instigate fear, worry, or anger.

These stories are energizing because they trigger your emotional brain to react and narrow your focus.

Newswriters and advertisers make use of your negativity bias to get and keep your attention.

The same happened to you in our example: Instead of focusing on the overall success of your talk, you ruminated more about what went wrong and exaggerated its significance.

This is how your negativity bias works.

As you go about your day, your mind will naturally lean toward the negative, especially when you aren’t intentionally focusing on something.

With that as our backdrop, let’s move on to strategies to manage your negativity bias.

Things You Can Do to Stop the Deluge

Watch and Allow

The first strategy is to “mindfully” watch the flow of thoughts that arise over the day without suppressing or reacting to them.

Mindfulness means observing from a distance without reacting or judging. A thought comes up, you observe it without reacting to it, and let it fade out.

It is challenging initially, but you get better at it with more practice. Mindfulness helps you separate yourself from your thoughts and feelings so you can observe them and decide how to use and react to them.

The key is to allow everything to come up so you can review it before deciding whether to take action, change your perspective, or let it go. Sometimes, you simply watch the flow and do nothing.

Correct

Negative thoughts and emotions tend to be more distorted than positive ones, although it can happen in both cases.

Watching your thoughts as they arise helps you notice:

1. Repetitive negative thought patterns.
2. The degree to which you ruminate about things without taking action to resolve them.
3. How often your perceptions are distorted and narrow.

Watching gives you a wider picture of what’s going on in your mind. It allows you to see where your thinking is distorted, causing more distress than necessary.

Repetitive thinking is powerful, and the more distorted your thoughts are, the more adversely they affect your mood and state of mind.

Spend time pulling out your distorted thought patterns and correct them to reflect what’s accurate.

I’ve found it helps to make a habit of questioning my thoughts regularly, especially when they carry a lot of weight.

Balance

This strategy is a lesson in how to build positive capital.

Because of your negativity bias, you’ll naturally lean toward building a larger store of negative thoughts and experiences than positive ones.

The goal is to expand your positive space and build it out to create a better balance between the two.

That doesn’t mean replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. It means increasing your notice, remembrance, and attention to positive experiences.

Rick Hanson, who wrote the book Resilient, calls these experiences “jewels,” which is an apt description. He likens the recognition of jewels to observing life as a mosaic.

He says,

This is not positive thinking. It’s realistic thinking: seeing the whole mosaic of the world around you and the complexity of your experience, despite the brain’s tendencies to fixate on a handful of bad tiles in that mosaic while overlooking the jewel-like good ones.

His strategy is to notice or create beneficial experiences and then absorb them to build positive capital. He uses the acronym HEAL, which stands for Activate, Enrich, Absorb, and Link.

I won’t go through them in great length, but I’ll give you a quick sketch. The full explanation is in Chapter 3 of Resilient.

1. Activate:

You begin by noticing or creating a positive experience.

It can be as simple as taking a five-minute break from work and sitting with a cup of coffee or going out to dinner with a friend.

For me, it would be a quick walk outside or daydreaming for ten minutes about something pleasant.

You can also notice what Hanson calls “good facts.” These are things like values, character strengths, talents, and time you’ve given to others.

These are internal positives that you sometimes take for granted. Notice them.

The goal of this step is to become skilled at noticing any event or characteristic, small or large, that gives you a sense of pleasure or well-being, happiness, joy, and contentment.

2. Enrich:

Once you’ve honed in on an experience or good fact, stay with it long enough to internalize it. Focus and allow your brain to acknowledge it, creating new neuron paths in the process.

Hanson suggests “turning up the volume” by enjoying and being excited about it as you acknowledge it. Embody it and let it bleed out into other positive remembrances and feelings. What is its value to you?

This process doesn’t need to be lengthy—a few minutes will suffice.

Often, as you get in the mindset of appreciating the experience you started with, your mind associates it with similar ones that mirror or heighten it.

Just as negativity is contagious, positivity is too.

3. Absorb:

Absorbing is a conscious acceptance of the experience and allowing it to take up some space in your positive warehouse.

You intentionally receive it and let it sink in so that it’s not just a fleeting experience but part of your positive inventory, which you can draw on to balance the positive and negative. Your brain encodes it into long-term memory.

4. Linking:

Linking is an optional step in the process and more complicated, so I won’t address it here.

It involves linking your positive experiences with painful experiences or psychological material to help alleviate them.

I encourage you to read Resilient to learn more about this step.

For our purposes, the overall point is to acclimate and automate your mind so that you notice what’s positive both within and around you as much as or more than what’s negative.

It’s a matter of intentionally shifting your attention to the broader Kaleidoscope of experience so that you don’t operate with skewed perceptions, especially those that promote fear and negativity.

Act

Replace rumination with action when possible. If you’re absorbed daily with situations or circumstances that create negativity, you have several choices:

1. Change the circumstances if you can.
2. Accept them, decide what value you can derive from them, and then pursue that. In other words, look for silver linings.
3. Practice building positive capital while looking for ways to improve the situation.

Doing nothing (or chronic ruminating) can only make things worse and sink you into a deeper negative hole.

Use negative experiences to create something good. This may be learning something valuable, strengthening your determination, or building your character.

Sometimes, it’s being patient until circumstances change, but seeing what you can do with the time while you’re waiting will uplift you.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Elijah Potter on Unsplash

The question for today is: Is venting good for you? And if so, under what circumstances?

Let me ask you this to get us started.

Have you ever heard of “primal scream” therapy? It was popular during the 1970s and was used as a means of releasing intense emotions.

Along with primal scream, other similar therapies arose, all intended to help people “get their emotions out.” Using punching bags, encounter groups, and Gestalt Therapy were all part of these popular strategies.

But did they help?

Maybe in some respects. It was good to recognize that emotional suppression isn’t healthy. But just “getting your emotions out” isn’t always helpful, and this is where venting comes into play.

Done correctly, it can be useful, but ongoing venting and its cousin rumination are not helpful and can be harmful.

Fortunately, science has intervened and revealed what not to do, along with some ideas of what does work.

Let’s tackle it. We’ll start with what happens in your body when you get angry.

What Happens When You Get Angry

Besides the mood shift that occurs, your body also revs up for a fight-or-flight response because your brain sounds an alarm that danger is imminent.

There are two surges of energy. One is short-term and lasts long enough for you to assess the situation.

The second is longer-lasting and leaves your body and nervous system in a state of arousal and tension that can last for hours or even days. It keeps your emotional brain alert in case you need to defend yourself or act.

In other words, when you’re triggered by something, either in the environment or from your thoughts, and get angry, your body readies itself to defend, but that readiness lingers for some time after the offending incident occurs. That’s the catch.

Then, if something else happens that irritates you while your body’s still aroused, you’re likely to become angry more easily.

For example, if you argued with a co-worker at work and then came home to your kids bickering with each other, you might fly off the handle and yell at them with intensity, which you normally wouldn’t do.

Anger builds on anger.

The more incidences you encounter that result in anger, and the more you vent and ruminate about them, the more aroused you become and the longer you stay in a state of tension, even if it’s somewhat under the surface.

Instead of needing a box of matches and some kindling wood to start the fire, you now need a mere spark.

The Venting Fallacy

Simply “getting your feelings out” by venting doesn’t cool you down. It heightens your anger.

There is a helpful way to do it, which I’ll explain in a minute, but it’s essential to understand that venting, especially ongoing venting or complaining, increases anger rather than diffusing it.

It makes things worse!

If you’re upset or angry chronically about something and ruminate about it, which amounts to venting to yourself, you put yourself in a state of general dissatisfaction and tension that seeps into other aspects of your life, such as your performance at work, relationships with family or friends, and your general well-being.

Okay, so what’s the solution? How do I avoid suppressing my emotions without venting?

The answer is to process instead of vent.

To do that, you first need to get your thinking brain back on board. Here are some strategies that work.

Cool down.

Before making any decisions or taking action, you need to cool down—not just mentally but also physically.

Because your body is in a heightened state of tension and arousal that can last for hours or more, you need to do something to cool it down, which will, in turn, help you cool your emotions.

The best strategy to use is distraction. However, only some types of distractions are helpful.

Spend some time alone and do one or several of these things.

1. Take a walk.

This strategy is the most effective because it directly reduces your body’s tension and returns it to a state of relaxation. Walking also calms your mind, especially if you walk outside, preferably in nature.

Exercise of any kind is helpful if you prefer something else, like running, biking, Yoga, weightlifting, or swimming.

All of these will help reduce your physical and mental state of hyperarousal.

2. Do something that will absorb your attention for a while.

You could watch a movie, read a book, clean the house, or go for a drive (although this might not help if you’re particularly enraged).

Whatever you choose, it should be something that will distract and calm at the same time.

A caveat: Avoid venting while using these strategies. If you’re taking a walk and continuing to vent to yourself, you can make things worse. On the other hand, processing and rethinking can be helpful.

3. Talk to someone.

Talking to someone can be helpful if it’s the right person and you use the conversation to process what happened.

Venting is a part of this, but not unbridled venting with no purpose other than to discharge your feelings.

Verbalizing your emotions is helpful if you also try to see the situation from a different angle.

It’s necessary to widen the picture so you uncover distorted thoughts. Are you seeing all sides of the situation? Is there something you could have handled differently? How might you have reacted more effectively?

Repetitive venting closes your thinking brain down and narrows your scope.

That being the case, be choosy about who you talk to.

Someone who encourages your venting is not helpful. Anger is contagious, and venting to someone who jumps on the anger train hypes it up.

You want someone who’s calm and empathetic but also can look at things objectively.

4. Write it out.

Writing is an excellent way to discharge emotions without making them worse.

Writing brings your thinking brain back on board, even if what you’re writing is a spill of emotions. You have to use your cognition to write.

Also, words on the page crystallize your thoughts and feelings so you can gain some distance from them and think more clearly.

Best Case Scenario

Try combining strategies. If you’re very angry, calm your body first. Take some time alone and walk or exercise.

Then, when you’re calmer, begin processing what happened and ask yourself how you might be distorting your take on the situation and how you might approach it differently.

Writing or talking to someone can aid you in this process.

Next, when you’re ready, take action to revisit the situation if warranted.

That will depend on what happened initially and whether you think it’s worth your time or appropriate to do so. If not, let it go.

One Other Idea

Something that works well for some people is to do a timed vent.

That means they give themselves a specific amount of time to fully vent, followed by rethinking the situation and considering different views and options.

But be careful with this one.

A timed vent should be short. Ten minutes is good enough.

More than that can heighten your anger, especially if you leave it at that and don’t review the situation more objectively.

Sometimes, you can vent briefly and then leave it until the next day to rethink it.

Timed vents are effective, especially when venting to someone else. You set a time, and the person listens without interruption for ten minutes. Then, you work together to process the information.

The bottom line is to avoid chronic venting or rumination.

Distract yourself first, let your body return to normal, and then reevaluate.

If you’re interested in the exact physiology of venting, take a look at Chapter 5 in Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. He explains it exceptionally well!

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Jacob Wackerhausen, Courtesy of iStock Photo

If you want people to be receptive and to like you, there’s a simple question to ask yourself that will help you accomplish it.

The question is,

How do I make other people feel? What do I bring to our interactions, conversations, or time together?

Let’s turn the tables. Who do you want to be around, and why?

I guarantee your answer has to do with how you feel when you’re with them.

And that, my friend, is what you should zero in on if you want someone to be receptive and spend time with you.

Here are the things that will get you there.

1. What kind of emotions do you broadcast most?

Generally speaking, are they mostly negative, mostly positive, or some of each? How much of which?

Expressing both positive and negative feelings is normal and natural. It can be a way of showing vulnerability and creating intimacy for both people involved.

However, if you’re a chronic complainer, devil’s advocate, or always choosing subjects that are emotionally taxing and negative overall, you’ll push people away.

The only people likely to want to spend time with you will be those who are as negative or more so than you are, and you probably won’t want to be around them much.

It’s one thing to commiserate with someone about something important to you both, but it’s another to lean toward the negative most of the time, regardless of the situation or the person you’re talking to.

Ask yourself this:

Is what I’m talking about taxing the other person emotionally?

Watch their expressions as you talk, and notice their body language. Are they turning away from you, flinching almost imperceptibly, or shifting from foot to foot?

Body language can tell you more than anything said, so pay attention to it.

Signs that someone’s not enjoying the conversation are:

1. Fidgeting
2. Avoiding eye contact
3. Facing to the side or away
4. Taking a deep breath as if to fortify themselves
5. Glazing over

If you see any of those signs, switch gears!

Pay attention to how the other person reacts to you, and keep paying attention throughout the conversation.

2. How genuine is your interest in the other person, and do you show it?

When you’re genuinely interested in someone, you say things and ask questions that reflect your curiosity about them.

It feels to them like you want to know who they are and what they think and feel. They sense your engagement and reciprocate.

Doesn’t it feel good when someone seems interested in you and responds positively to who you are?

Be sure that you provide that same feeling for the other person.

3. Above all, listen!

Very often, when people come to see me for therapy, what they want more than anything is to be heard.

And not just their words.

They want me to listen to and understand the feelings behind their words.

They want to feel connected, cared about, and valued.

The way to make someone feel those things is to listen carefully with your whole being.

You must put other thoughts and concerns aside and focus your full attention on understanding. Listen and hear with an open mind what’s going on in that person’s heart and mind.

Also, be sure to focus more on the other person than on yourself. Start that way, and the whole conversation will flow more easily.

4. Show some vulnerability.

If this is a person you want to connect with, show some vulnerability yourself.

You don’t have to share all your fears and issues, but when they reveal something about themselves, you can reciprocate, especially if you’ve had an experience that’s similar or that resonates with what they’re telling you.

Unless someone is attention-seeking, they don’t feel comfortable being the only one to express something personal. They want to know about you, too.

That sort of back-and-forth creates a stronger connection.

Here’s an example.

I recently talked to a woman who walks in my neighborhood every morning with her dog around the same time I walk. We usually exchange a few words of greeting.

But this one morning, I stopped and asked more about her dog, and we got on the subject of aging dogs and going through the process of their dying.

She told me a story about losing one of her dogs and expressed how painful it was. I shared a similar story about losing my Dachsie.

I didn’t talk for long, but I could feel us bonding over these stories because we both understood what it felt like to lose a pet you love.

You don’t have to talk about something that serious. It can be a similar opinion or interest you share. But let the other person in.

Share something personal, and the connection will expand.

5. Avoid doing a monologue.

I just said you should share something personal, and that’s true, but at the same time, make sure you don’t get long-winded and go off on a monologue.

You can always tell when someone is chafing in that situation if you watch their body language.

Make sure you keep an exchange by participating without monopolizing.

6. Use humor.

Humor is one of the best connectors, and when you use it with ease, you immediately increase receptivity unless the person you’re talking to has no sense of humor or is upset about something else not having to do with you.

Most people respond well to humor and will participate if you say something. It can be a very off-handed comment without any intent, but still, it cuts through formality and awkwardness. That’s assuming, of course, it’s funny!

I laugh thinking about this because sometimes people’s humor is so dry or cheeky that the person on the receiving doesn’t get it. That in itself is funny!

7. Exude confidence and warmth.

“What? But, I’m an introvert! It takes me a while.”

Yeah, me too, but I’ve learned how to do it.

When you meet someone, make eye contact, smile like you mean it, and speak with confidence. Above all, keep your expression open and warm.

People can feel your feelings, even if they don’t register it consciously.

I’m sure you’ve met people with whom you felt immediately comfortable. It’s because they seem genuinely happy to meet you, and they’re accepting, warm, humble yet confident, and easy to converse with. This is true even if you’re shy or introverted.

That’s how you want to make someone feel when they meet you. The same applies when talking to someone you know.

What if I don’t want to talk to this person?

When you meet someone or see someone you don’t want to spend time with, you don’t need to go out of your way to converse with them.

This is especially true for people who are toxic to you. Avoid or make your exit as quickly as you can without being offensive.

You don’t need to spend time with people who take advantage of you or are competitive and self-centered.

This article applies to people you want to talk to or when meeting new people.

I’ve listed several other articles below that may help you achieve some of the things we’ve discussed today. Take a look at them if you like, especially the one about “whole being listening.”

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Suggested Reading:

Be an Empathetic Detective to Improve Your Relationships
How to Truly Connect with Someone: Whole Being Listening
How to Make Small Talk if You’re an Introvert

Photo by RichVintage, Courtesy of iStock Photo

When you have a dream and something important you want to achieve, don’t shout it from the rooftop!

You’ll sabotage yourself before you start and have much less chance of succeeding.

There are three reasons this happens.

1. Not everyone has your best interest at heart.

When you have a great idea and are enthusiastic about pursuing it, who do you want to tell first?

Your partner, your family, your friends? Or maybe you want to blast it over social media and get kudos from everyone you know to encourage you.

Why not, right? Surely, all these people who love and know you will be supportive and wish you well. So you think!

But that isn’t always what happens. Some might do that, but others won’t.

Family members may give you lots of verbal encouragement and support while secretly thinking you won’t succeed.

They have preconceived ideas about you that may interfere with their faith in your ability to follow through.

Or they may find your idea weak, outlandish, or not interesting.

On the other hand, some family members have no compunction about playing the devil’s advocate.

By the time they finish telling you all the reasons you won’t succeed, you feel deflated and unsure about continuing.

A more sneaky approach is when they encourage you even when they believe what you’re embarking on isn’t a good idea.

You might get a “That’s great! Go for it!” while what they’re thinking is, “That’ll never work,” or “You won’t pull that off.”

Then there’s the lip service response, which is “Ah, that’s great,” with no real interest or support later on.

Family members and friends can be your biggest supporters. If so, tell them!

But not always, and it’s good to consider that before blabbing everything to everyone.

2. To avoid unnecessary competition.

A second consideration is that even those you’re close to sometimes envy your successes.

Maybe they’re not happy with where they are or aren’t feeling good about themselves, so they subtly sabotage you with comments or questions that minimize what you want to do.

This second response is more difficult to understand or notice because it’s often subtle and indirect.

Again, someone may become too involved by pointing out everything that could go wrong – the devil’s advocate – or react with a big smile yet never refer to it again. However, in both cases, part of them may not want you to succeed.

This can happen with close friends, family members, acquaintances, or colleagues.

You may have family members and friends who are authentically supportive and excited for you and offer to help.

But be careful.

3. You dilute your momentum.

If you’re someone who tends to get super excited about something up front but has difficulty sticking with it over time, telling everyone about your new idea will set you up for failure.

You may think going public will help you stay accountable, but that can backfire.

You may end up being held accountable for not following through.

It’s better to stay quiet, make your plans, and work on getting some traction and being well on your way before you go public.

Even then, be careful who you bring into your support circle. Make sure they can be supportive without jealousy, envy, or malintent.

Who can you tell?

This question has two parts: Who can you tell, and how much should you tell them?

1. Who?

You can tell someone you’re close to and have a history of receiving their unwavering support for your interests, talents, ideas, and well-being.

This person has your best interest at heart and is genuinely interested in and cares about you. It’s someone who has no need to compete with you but takes actual pleasure in your successes and supports you when you’re struggling.

Still, don’t tell someone you know isn’t going to be interested in what you’re doing, even if they are usually supportive.

Lukewarm responses are sabotaging unless given out of genuine concern for your success and suggestions to help.

Don’t let someone rain on your parade by saying, “Oh, that sounds good!” but nothing else.

A good person to tell is someone with expertise in what you want to do, like a mentor, who can help you create your plan and anticipate possible obstacles.

It can also be a colleague or friend who’s had similar experiences and knows the terrain.

A qualified teacher or mentor is invaluable when starting with something new.

2. How much?

Go slowly when deciding how much to tell.

You might lay out your entire idea and plan to the mentor or coach, but maybe less to anyone else.

Remember that you want to keep your momentum, and the more you spill, the more it can be diluted.

You feel people watching you, which drains some of your emotional energy. You may not feel that directly, but it’s there.

I’ve worked with an accountability partner, and that helped a lot.

It was useful because we were both working on something and helping each other stay on track. That added energy.

When you’re the only one being held accountable, the experience is entirely different. The spotlight’s on you, and that can hamper your performance and success.

In those cases, less is better, even with close friends you trust.

If you need regular help, go for the mentor/coach/teacher or an accountability partner.

All these people will help you stay on track and provide support while giving you added ideas and information to help you along the way.

When a family member or friend is a partner in your endeavor, the support is also mutual and helpful because you’re doing it together.

The Worst Place to Go Public

You guessed it: social media!

Social media sometimes reminds me of high school. Who’s the most popular? Who’s the smartest? Who has the greatest life?

Not all social media is bad, but too often, it’s used to compete, one-up, troll, tear down, and compare.

Not to mention, what you see is not what you get because what people post about themselves is, to a greater or lesser extent, skewed or fictionalized, or only a small piece of their lives.

If you post your new plan or goal on social media, many people may congratulate you, but that’s it. It doesn’t help you with your momentum and actually dilutes it.

Save that for when you’re ready to put up your business page to increase your sales or advertise your services. That’s a better use of social media.

Until then, just use it for entertainment or to keep in touch with people you know and like. But keep your idea to yourself!

One More Bit of Advice

We’ve been talking about telling people about something you want to do or achieve.

But let’s stretch that out a little and generalize it to simply sharing personal information.

Oversharing is not in anybody’s best interest – not yours or theirs.

Be selective about who you share personal information with. Take time to get to know someone before divulging too much about yourself.

You don’t need to be paranoid, but be sure the person you share your vulnerabilities with is trustworthy and emotionally intelligent enough to consider your feelings and protect your privacy.

We are connectors, and that’s wonderful unless you’re connecting with the wrong person.

Be slow to reveal your dreams and goals while building authentic, supportive connections you can trust and enjoy.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash

I’ve always been told not to compare myself to other people. “Just be yourself!” That’s the philosophy, right?

I’ve even written several articles defending that point of view, and it does have validity under certain circumstances.

However, I’ve changed my thinking about it more recently, which I’ll explain today.

There are times when comparison is helpful and times when it’s not. It all boils down to the intent behind engaging in it.

When Comparison is Beneficial

The benefits were clarified for me when I decided I needed some outside inspiration to become a better writer.

I love to write, and I’ve taken courses and read books about it, but reading the works of other writers has become a continuous source of inspiration and learning.

When I compare my writing to someone else’s for the purpose of learning and improving, comparison is highly beneficial. It provides:

1. Inspiration. The writing moves me, offers a new take on an old subject, or challenges me to think.
2. Education. As I read, I noticed the creative use of words, phrasing, development, and other writing techniques I can adopt when writing.
3. Appreciation and Challenge. I gain an appreciation for my own writing style while being challenged to improve by using what I learn from other writers.

Comparison used with the intent to learn is very beneficial.

We do it all the time, often without recognizing that’s what we’re doing.

Anyone who’s striving to master a skill can’t help but compare themselves to others who are working at the same skill.

Some people are further along than you are, and some are behind you, but either way, you can use what you learn from both to improve your skills.

This brings us to the other side of the question.

When Comparison is Harmful

Let’s say that as I compare my writing to another writer’s, I not only notice where I have deficits but also internalize those observations as judgments of my performance.

Instead of being inspired and excited about learning something that will help me improve my skills, I use them to denigrate my performance and myself as well.

My self-talk sounds like this:

“I’m a terrible writer. I’ll never be able to write like that. Who am I kidding?”

“That’s depressing. I can’t possibly be as good as that, so why not just hang it up.

” Obviously, I don’t have the natural talent that guy has, and I never will.”

“I feel totally defeated.”

The difference between using comparison to benefit you as opposed to obliterating you lies in how you personalize it.

Once you use it as a measure of your worth, you’re done. There’s no place to go from there but down.

By personalizing it, you shrink down your sense of self to a single point. You:

• Forget your unique qualities.
• Lose your authenticity.
• Stifle your creativity.
• Lower your sense of worth.
• Dissipate your energy.
• Engage in distorted thinking.

The worst part of doing this is that it sets you apart from the creative world, and not in a good way.

You sink into a win-lose mindset and either lose because you’re not good enough or begin a path of denial and fantasy as you try to justify why you’re better.

Ideas and their expressions are infinite, but you must be willing to learn from others who’ve gone before you. Creativity is humble.

Here’s My Process to Illustrate

When I sit down to write an article, I start by writing off the top of my head, assuming I know the subject I want to address. This is my “ugly write,” which means I write all the way through without looking back.

Next, I peruse the Internet and read what others have written on the same subject. If I like something, I take notes.

When I’ve read enough, I turn to research studies that apply to the subject and take more notes. I may also have notes from books I’ve read that apply.

Then I create a more detailed outline. I don’t use what someone else has written verbatim, but I may pursue an idea I hadn’t thought of and add my own take to it as I write. This is where comparison comes in handy.

I wait a day and do a second draft.

Over the next several days, I do two edits. The first is a rewrite to make the content more concise and easier to assimilate. I run that through Grammarly for grammar and word choice checks.

The final edit is for proofing and removing any superfluous words or paragraphs that aren’t necessary to understand the subject.

You get the blog on Monday!

The Point Is . . .

It’s helpful to look at other people’s work – not because you want to copy it, but because it stimulates new ideas and inspires you to delve deeper into what you want to say.

Another benefit is that I’ve come to appreciate and take joy in seeing something well done, even if it isn’t my work.

There are so many talented people, and they have tons to offer if you’re humble enough to take advantage of them. It makes you better and strengthens your voice, regardless of the field you’re working in.

Approach Your Journey This Way

No matter what craft or skill you want to master, approach it as though you’re an apprentice.

Your teachers may be few or many. They can be other writers, artists, business experts, athletes, homemakers, or anyone with talent and skills in your field.

Teachers can also be experiences, research studies, books, or your daily news writer.

Open yourself up to the knowledge others can share with you. Let comparison be your friend and a source of infinite inspiration.

Then start on your path, and let it unfold as it presents itself. Don’t be too rigid.

Your job is to keep practicing and improving your skills.

When you approach others’ work without feelings of envy or jealousy and without beating yourself down, your creative world opens up like a giant candy shop, and it’s delightful!

Mastery is an ongoing and never-ending process, but it can be rewarding if you allow it to be. Open-minded comparison is a friend who can help you along the way.

One More Thing

Comparison not only applies to the pursuit of skills or talents. You might also use it to compare your personal qualities and characteristics with someone else’s.

In those cases, focus more on your authentic self and don’t try to be someone else.

At the same time, extract the most you can from who you are and what you have to work with.

We’re all on our own personal evolutionary paths, and each have valuable and unique contributions to offer.

You can still borrow what you learn from others and emulate those qualities you most admire, but not at the expense of your self-worth.

Use comparison for purposes of growth only, and it will be your friend.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara