One of the most useful ideas I’ve come across in regard to making changes is the notion of “keystone habits.” This idea is outlined par excellence in the book The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg.
A keystone habit is one that sets change in motion and initiates the creation of other habits. It’s a starter habit that creates a shift in energy both emotionally and mentally, and sets in motion a domino effect that results in much greater change than was initially intended.
There are many behaviors that can slowly destroy a relationship, and “competition” is at the top of the list.
Here’s some of the most common ways it’s done:
Keeping a mental list of who does the most, one-upping, being oppositional regardless of the situation, excluding your partner in social settings, comparing assets (both personal and material), and the worst one . . . always turning conversations back to you when your partner needs you to listen.
One of the biggest complaints that comes up in counseling with couples is the listen vs. fix-it conflict.
Actually, it doesn’t just apply to couples, but to any interaction where one person is venting about something and the other person is listening.
I say listening loosely here, because in many instances, the person on the receiving end is not really listening, but is trying to fix the situation.
It’s pretty near impossible to operate on any given day without multitasking.
With the explosion of technology, people have gotten used to talking on a cell phone while driving or walking, sitting at a desk and working on a on something while glancing at email or tracking Facebook, cooking dinner and doing laundry at the same time, or any number of other scenarios that are familiar to us all.
We think multitasking makes us more effective and is a good management strategy, and it would seem that sometimes it is.
Last night I was on the couch trying to relax on a Sunday night, but thoughts of work I needed to get done kept intruding in my mental space.
I could put it off until Monday, but I knew that if I did that, my whole day would be thrown off and probably my whole week. It wasn’t hard work at all, but tedious and I just wasn’t in the mood.
Happens all the time doesn’t it?
Giving advice is a tricky proposition.
Given for the right reasons under the right circumstances, advice is very beneficial and can help someone to solve a problem. Good advice is a tremendous aid to getting unstuck.
It allows us to gain knowledge we don’t have from someone who’s in the know. It can widen our view of a problem and lift us out of tunnel vision. It can broaden our perspective, and conversely help us narrow in on the real issues to address.
Advice can be wonderful!
So who among us hasn’t been defensive? Don’t fudge! We all have.
Certainly, there’s a time to defend ourselves, but for the most part, we engage in being defensive when it really doesn’t help our cause.
True defense is different from defensiveness. Being defensive implies that we really don’t feel secure in our own thoughts, actions, beliefs, or whatever the challenge may be.
There’s a quick way to improve or enhance a relationship.
Very simply, the idea is to catch your partner “doing good.”
Instead of focusing mostly on what you don’t like or what’s not going well, notice things your partner does that you like and verbalize it. In other words, show appreciation. Here’s how to do it.
Get out a pad of paper and pen (or computer if you prefer to type). You’re going to make two lists.
1) The first is a list of everything you can think of that you learned or gained from your parent (mother or father), that you feel has had a positive influence or effect on you.
Stay with just one parent at a time.
Jane is a 44 year-old woman who has been in three abusive relationships. The last one was particularly bad and it took a lot of courage and help to free herself.
Not surprisingly, Jane grew up in a family where her father regularly abused her mother both physically and emotionally. He didn’t physically abuse the children, but he was emotionally abusive to them at times.