Someone recently asked me what the single most important factor is to a long-lasting, healthy relationship. Big question!
I can come up with 10 things pretty quickly, but to try and choose one above the rest is difficult. Nevertheless, I’ve come up with one answer which I believe embraces many of the others.
The answer in a word is interest.
Can you guess what the worst thing is to say to someone who’s angry?
CALM DOWN!
Unfortunately, that’s everyone’s first instinct and often is exactly what’s said. The intention is good. You know that if the angry person can calm down, then it’s possible to talk about the what’s upsetting them and maybe resolve it. The problem is that when you say “calm down”, it just makes them angrier.
If you’ve ever sought out counseling, or been around people in the mental health field, you’ve likely heard of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). If not, no worries. It’s not necessary to know about it to grasp the subject of this blog.
In general, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy focuses on people’s thoughts, and how thoughts and thought processes influence their emotions and sense of what’s real.
There is an ebb and flow to life. Everyday is not the same, and no one feels exactly the same all the time.
On some days, you have a lot more energy and creativity, things seem to flow, and the general feeling is one of sailing through a green light.
Then there are the red light days. We all hate these days. Energy’s low, mood’s blah, everything seems difficult to do, the level of frustration is high, and going back to bed and sleeping until the next day sounds like a really good idea.
When I leave for my office, it usually takes me about 20 minutes to drive there. If I have an appointment scheduled, I like to be on time, so I allow the 20 minutes.
The real truth, however, is that 20 minutes is cutting it close and only works if there’s no traffic glitches on my driving route. In fact, if there is heavy traffic, a lot of red lights, an active school zone, slow drivers, rain, or anything out of the ordinary, I will be late if I only allow myself 20 minutes.
As if there aren’t enough good reasons to walk, Stanford University has come up with another one. A study co-authored by Marily Oppezzo, a Stanford doctoral graduate in educational psychology, and Daniel Schwartz, a professor at Stanford Graduate School of Education, has provided evidence that walking significantly increases creative thinking, or in more scientific terms “creative ideation.”
Who knew! Well, if you’ve had the experience already yourself, you knew. So did I! I get some of my best ideas when I take a walk. Now there’s real scientific evidence to support it.
Do you have a voice in your head that’s overly critical?
I know I do sometimes, and most of the clients I’ve seen over the years have also worked with this nagging, persistent voice that seems to find fault in almost any situation.
Self-criticism is really not a healthy habit, and has an overall destructive effect on your self-image and self esteem. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t observe yourself and make corrections in your behavior when needed.
One of the most useful ideas I’ve come across in regard to making changes is the notion of “keystone habits.” This idea is outlined par excellence in the book The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg.
A keystone habit is one that sets change in motion and initiates the creation of other habits. It’s a starter habit that creates a shift in energy both emotionally and mentally, and sets in motion a domino effect that results in much greater change than was initially intended.
There are many behaviors that can slowly destroy a relationship, and “competition” is at the top of the list.
Here’s some of the most common ways it’s done:
Keeping a mental list of who does the most, one-upping, being oppositional regardless of the situation, excluding your partner in social settings, comparing assets (both personal and material), and the worst one . . . always turning conversations back to you when your partner needs you to listen.
One of the biggest complaints that comes up in counseling with couples is the listen vs. fix-it conflict.
Actually, it doesn’t just apply to couples, but to any interaction where one person is venting about something and the other person is listening.
I say listening loosely here, because in many instances, the person on the receiving end is not really listening, but is trying to fix the situation.