Blog Short #282: Why You Can’t Make Up Your Mind (and What To Do About It)

Photo by Andrej Lisakov for Unsplash+

Ever gone crazy trying to make an important decision?

Years ago, I struggled while trying to decide whether to keep my full-time job or take a leap and start a private practice. It was grueling.

I obsessed for months. I went over the pros and cons repeatedly, weighing the consequences of each. I kept thinking in circles and was no closer to a decision months out. It was exhausting and somewhat debilitating.

I was trapped in classic overthinking.

I eventually resolved the problem using a strategy I recently heard from ​Adam Grant​, an organizational psychologist.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that my problem wasn’t overthinking, but thinking too narrowly. And that’s where Adam’s insight comes in.

Adam’s Answer

Adam Grant says what you’re actually doing in these situations is not overthinking, but rather underthinking.

By limiting yourself to only two choices, you put excessive pressure on the situation and raise the stakes.

The problem is that you’re stuck in binary thinking and considering too few possibilities. And, in the process, you recycle the same thoughts, arguments, and fears over and over. You’re in all-or-nothing hell.

You have to step back and widen the picture. An effective way to do that is to add in a third choice.

Not several choices, but one more. Maybe something totally outside the box.

Adding that additional choice immediately takes you out of your binary chokehold. You open a path for a new perspective. The sense of pressure lifts and anxiety lets up some.

It’s like holding your breath too long, and then gasping for air and resuming normal breathing.

You might still choose one of the two choices you originally started with, but door number three broadens your perspective and removes the pressure of feeling trapped.

It backs you off the cliff and gives you some needed mental space.

For example, suppose you’re deciding whether to stay in an unsatisfying job or to quit. A third option might be negotiating a different role, going to a four-day workweek, or exploring another opportunity while staying put.

Now you have some time to breathe and consider your next step.

That’s exactly what I did when struggling with my decision to leave my full-time job and open a private practice. Instead of choosing one or the other, I tried a third option. I began seeing clients several evenings a week while keeping my job. Over time, I built referral networks and saved money until the transition was financially feasible. Then I took the leap.

What Else Can Help

In addition to adding in a third option, try these strategies.

Take a real break.

Not just an hour away. You can try that, but if you’ve been overthinking for a long time, you’ve likely locked yourself into a box you can’t easily get out of.

Sleep on it, take a few days away, put it off for a week.

Get out of the house or office. Take a drive. Meet a friend for coffee.

All of these activities create distance from the problem. Sometimes you need to stop thinking about a decision long enough to return with a fresh perspective.

Talk to someone who can help.

Sometimes your choice requires help from someone with expertise who has no personal stake in your decision.

If you’re remodeling your house, an interior designer can help you make those decisions because they have experience you don’t and know how things should look and feel.

An academic counselor can help you choose the right college for your needs or other educational options.

Or a good friend can listen and help you see something you’ve overlooked. Not make the decision for you, but help you see it from a different angle.

Add back in the grey.

Binary choices feel black and white. Adding back in some grey can widen the scope.

For example, remember that you can always make changes in the future.

Even when you do something like redo your house, you can add or change something later.

Some decisions have lasting consequences. But most decisions can be modified over time, built upon, or lead you to something entirely new.

Taking a path doesn’t mean you are restricted forever. You can always use what you’ve experienced to build something more in the future.

I’ve met many people who started out on a specific career path, built it successfully, and then completely switched gears.

An example is a young woman who started out as a fashion designer and became a therapist after her own life experience introduced her to psychotherapy. She later became a writer, a subject she hated in college. (This would be me!)

You almost always have choices along the way, and you can make new decisions to shift your trajectory.

You make the best decision you can make in the moment, but it isn’t a life sentence.

How Do You Know If You’re Overthinking?

What if you’re just being careful and conscientious?

You may be, but overthinking goes beyond that. It’s paralyzing and keeps you stuck. It’s full of what-ifs that have a life of their own.

When you’re caught in its grip, anxiety can begin driving your thinking instead of helping you evaluate your options. You’ll know this is happening when you become obsessive about the decision and can’t stop thinking about it. You go back and forth, and no matter where you land, you start over again.

Often you feel anxious, tense, and indecisive. It’s exhausting.

Notice how your body responds when you consider different choices. Tension, tightness, or discomfort may reveal something about your emotional reactions.

Gut feelings can help at times, but use them with caution. Anxiety isn’t always evidence that a decision is wrong, especially if it’s one that challenges you.

What if You’re Still Stuck?

What if after trying all of the strategies we’ve reviewed, you still feel stuck?

Once you’ve gathered the information you reasonably need, give yourself a time limit.

Set a specific day and time when you’ll make your decision.

To help, tell someone else and, if possible, have them hold you accountable so you can’t waffle or deviate from your plan.

When you reach your time limit, what-ifs are off the table. You make the decision and move on to the next step.

You can always change your decision later, or do something completely new. You can even tear down a bathroom wall and start over. But most likely you won’t, and you’ll feel satisfied with the decision you made.

Remember This

Not making a decision is itself a decision to stay in limbo, which usually leads to mental torture.

The next time you find yourself going in circles about a decision, try Adam Grant’s advice. Add a third choice. Step away long enough to regain perspective. Get input from an expert or talk it over with a friend. Then set a time limit and decide.

Don’t get caught up in making the perfect decision. You can’t know exactly where every choice will lead. But you can make the best decision possible with what you know now, and you can adjust your course as you go.

Sometimes the only way out of mental limbo is to stop thinking in circles and start moving forward. Who knows what other new opportunities will find you!

That’s all for today.

Have a great two weeks!

All my best,
Barbara