Last week we talked about the right mindset to pursue your goals – work, relationships, and self-improvement goals. And I encouraged you to adopt the growth mindset over the fixed mindset.

This week we’re focusing on how to narrow your focus on what’s most important to you and get clear on how you want to use your time, energy, and effort to accomplish your goals. This means whittling down to the essential aims and activities to fulfill your purpose.

To do this, I’m borrowing from Greg McKeown, who wrote the book  Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less , and highlighting some of his very effective strategies.

But first, let’s start with a quick list of ideas and beliefs that Essentialists use to keep themselves from spreading too thin. Here they are.

An Essentialist:

• Has a clarity of purpose that guides all other decisions.
• Prioritizes time, energy, and activities to make the highest contribution.
• Lives by design consciously and proactively.
• Embraces the motto “Less but better.”
• Knows how to discriminate between what’s essential and what’s not.
• Understands that we can’t have or do it all.
• Takes the time and mental space to discern what matters most before acting.
• Knows how to prioritize and eliminate nonessential activities that get in the way.

To sum it up, Essentialists have singular focus and drive aligned with a clear purpose, and remove all extraneous nonessential activities that distract, sap energy, burn up time, and prevent accomplishment.

There are two ways Essentialists activate these ideas and beliefs:

1. Applying Essentialist principles to long-term goals and objectives.
2. Applying Essentialist principles to everyday choices and decisions about what activities to engage in and what to forego or eliminate.

Here’s how an Essentialist narrows down to what’s most important.

1. Clarify your purpose.

To figure this out, McKeown recommends asking yourself these three questions:

1. What do I feel deeply inspired by?
2. What am I particularly talented at?
3. What meets a significant need in the world?

Using these questions, let your mind roam and spend some time and space allowing your answers to come up. You likely have multiple talents, are inspired by many things, and can tie these to more than one specific need.

If you’re further along in life, you’re already on a track and have likely put a lot of time into it, but you can still benefit by clarifying your purpose and making changes in your course if that will bring you closer to what you want to do.

The purpose of this exercise is to define your “why” and “what.”

I’ll use myself as an example to help you see how this works.

My talents, according to the StrengthsFinder assessment in order, are “strategic, learner, connectedness, futuristic, and intellection.” And on the Enneagram – “helper.” Skills I have and enjoy are writing, teaching, and problem-solving.

I’m inspired by coming up with strategies people can use to solve problems – psychological and life problems specifically. I like to synthesize information and condense it into the most essential and usable insights.

Based on my work as a psychotherapist, people need to access quality information that pertains to everyday problems, which is easy to assimilate, takes little time to access, and is readily available.

The purpose is to fulfill that need using my talents.

Let’s keep going.

2. Eliminate.

Once you’re clear on your purpose, the second step is to narrow down your activities and pursuits to facilitate that purpose best. To do this, less is better.

Warren Buffet recommends that you pick one thing and practice it until you do it really well. That’s the idea to use here.

Back to my dilemma when thinking about how to fulfill my purpose, I came up with several activities that would do the job: write a blog, write a book, do a podcast, open a YouTube channel to do weekly videos, and provide online courses. I could also continue to offer individual psychotherapy.

You see the problem, right? If I do all of those, I won’t do anything well and likely won’t continue. But, by narrowing down and focusing on one or two activities, I’m more likely to succeed. So I chose to do a weekly blog as the primary activity and create an online course as a secondary activity. That’s it. I wanted to do the other things too, but I chose what I thought I could best do that would fulfill the need.

There are often many good opportunities that come your way that you would love to take advantage of and do, but if you do everything, you’ll do nothing.

You have to make trade-offs and choose those that truly align with the purpose you’ve set out. You may change your purpose or tweak it as you go, but you must stay singular in your focus.

The 90% Rule

Greg McKeown proposes the 90% rule to go through the elimination process effectively. Here’s how to do it:

Line up all those activities or opportunities you would like to pursue and rate them on a scale of 1 to 10, with ten being the best. Anything that doesn’t rate 9 or 10 drops down to zero.

In other words, you should eliminate anything that doesn’t rate at least 90%. That doesn’t mean you might not return to it later, but for now, it’s off the table.

Once you go through this process and are clear on your purpose and the few activities you need to focus on to bring it to life, stick to it.

By removing all the other choices, you free up time, literally and figuratively. You create mental space and have more energy available to devote to one thing. I chose two, but I don’t do them simultaneously. I’ll get five weeks ahead on blogs and use that five weeks to work on the course. That way, my attention is always focused rather than split.

You likely have multiple purposes, which is fine so long as you make room only for activities that take you toward your primary goals.

Being a good parent may be your purpose, or maybe participating in a nonprofit for a cause you believe in. The key is to make sure you can offer adequate attention and focus to what you want to accomplish, and remove the noise that interferes.

You can’t do it all. That’s the truth.

How to Use This Idea Daily

Every day you have choices to make about how to invest your time. You can wash your car or spend an hour talking to your kids. Or maybe sit on the couch and scroll through social media or clean out your inbox of bills and papers that need sorting and prioritizing.

Maybe you need downtime and decide to take a leisurely stroll and let your mind wander instead of working overtime on a project.

What’s most important? This hour, this day, this week, this month, this year. And how does what you do fit into your values and purpose?

Essentialists take those questions seriously and make time for what they most value. That includes leisure, sleep, and time to let your imagination run, in addition to scheduled work.

What’s Next?

Between last week’s and today’s blog, we’ve covered (1) how to approach your work and personal development from a growth mindset that allows you to pursue goals without self-defeating beliefs, and (2)  how to clarify what’s most important to you and what it takes to pursue that.

Next week I’ll review how to create a system to execute your goals.

In the meantime, if you like to read, I would suggest getting a copy of  Essentialism , even if you don’t read it straight through. It’s the kind of book that serves as a reference you read and reread over time.

That’s all for today.

Hope you have a great week, as always!

All my best,

Barbara

A book that changed my view of work, success, and intelligence when I first read it is  Mindset: The New Psychology of Success  by Carol Dweck.

Having a natural tendency toward perfectionism and learning to equate self-esteem with performance and achievement growing up, I recognized the “fixed mindset” to be alive and well in my psyche.

Luckily, after using the concepts in this book, I now embrace the “growth mindset” and am happy to say it’s a whole new world that’s much more enjoyable and productive.

Our Western culture tends toward the “fixed mindset” due to the heavy focus on performance, outcomes, and success. We like to see ourselves as winners. The only problem is that if we’re not winners, we fall to the bottom of the pack and see ourselves as losers. It’s an all-or-nothing mindset, and it’s the cause of a lot of emotional angst and depression.

Fortunately, the “growth mindset” is the antidote and oasis in the desert of perfectionism that I think you’ll love if you don’t already know about it.

Today I’m giving you a sketch of the two mindsets. This blog will be the first of three that provide a blueprint you can use to approach your work and goals while enhancing your personal growth and development at the same time.

Let’s start with some definitions. I’ll use the initials FM and GM throughout to make it easy.

Five Differences Between the Fixed and Growth Mindsets

1. Intelligence

FM sees intelligence, talent, and abilities as “fixed.” You either have it, or you don’t. You were born with it, and it can’t be changed or altered. You’re a genius, or you’re not.

GM views intelligence, talents, and abilities as malleable. You can alter, enhance, increase, and improve them with effort.

People do have inborn talents and proclivities, but without effort, they may never be expressed fully or tapped into. In contrast, someone with less inborn talent in a particular area may surpass the performance of someone with more natural talent through consistent effort, practice, and attendance.

Michael Jordan is a good example. People view him as having extraordinary talent, which he does, but he didn’t begin that way. It was through relentless hours of deliberate practice and improvement that he became the basketball virtuoso we all know.

2. Effort & Learning

FM sees effort as unfavorable because it means you’re not smart or talented. If you have to try, you don’t have it. You aren’t good enough. Instead of seeking to learn, you opt out of activities you can’t easily excel in.

GM embraces and values learning because it facilitates growth and improvement. Learning and effort help you reach your potential and are ongoing. After you reach one goal, you take on another. It’s a never-ending process of unfolding and redefining, and a source of pleasure and delight.

3. Failure & Setbacks

FM sees failure as an endpoint. If you fail or have a setback, you are the failure. As a result, you stick to activities you can do and do well. You lose interest in activities that challenge you and require more than one try because failing would topple your sense of self.

GM loves challenges. You see setbacks and failures as learning experiences and enjoy the challenge of figuring out what you need to do differently. You’re open to constructive criticism, being wrong, pivoting when new information is acquired, and considering new ideas that will result in growth and exploring your potential. Setbacks are stepping stones, not a measure of who you are.

4. Performance

FM is all about outcomes. You’re either a success or a failure, and everything that gets you there doesn’t matter—only the end result matters. The focus is on “perfect” performance. Every time. You have to prove yourself repeatedly.

It’s very anxiety-producing to need to stay on the pedestal. It’s as though you’re sitting on a platform surrounded by sharks in the water, and every move you make either keeps you on top or throws you to the sharks.

GM is about process. Process seeks to develop by embracing systems, setbacks, learning, and continued redefining of goals based on experience and analysis.

Outcomes are signposts along the way to let you know how you’re doing, but they have no finality. After you reach one signpost, you begin working toward the next. The process is itself rewarding because the mission is growth.

5. Self-Esteem

FM is excessively focused on maintaining self-esteem, and self-esteem is defined by performance.

You’re either good or bad, worthy or unworthy, a success or a failure. You need to be better than others to feel valuable.

You edge toward superiority and sometimes entitlement. Your method is competition and comparison, win-lose, up-down. When you fail, you either blame others or circumstances and look to compare yourself with those you see as inferior to you. You need to be perceived as “special” to feel okay.

GM is focused on continuing self-development. Self-esteem doesn’t fluctuate due to mistakes, setbacks, or failures. When experiencing an emotional slump, you seek more challenges to energize yourself and work through obstacles. You take action to confront problems and carry on with determination.

The emphasis on process rather than outcomes shows up in continued effort – not that outcomes aren’t important, but they aren’t the basis of self-esteem or self-image.

Self-esteem comes from living one’s values and pursuing growth.

The Subtle Difference

The subtle yet profound difference between the growth and fixed mindset is that with the fixed mindset, you are your performance, and your sense of self isn’t separate from that.

With the growth mindset, you’re more than your performance. You’re a work in progress. And a part of you stands outside what you do and looks on.

Your self-awareness and sense of “being”
is your core self.

It’s like standing back and being the director of how you develop. You witness it while participating in it. You’re both a part of the developing process and separate from it simultaneously.

With the fixed mindset, you’re merged in your performance and have no real sense of self outside of it.

How to Use This Material

First, let me encourage you again to read Dr. Dweck’s book, and I’ve also attached a PDF Chart to see the differences between the two mindsets more succinctly.

Second, if you find yourself leaning more toward the fixed mindset, try making some changes as you go through each day. I’d do this in three parts:

1. Watch your thoughts and attitudes to recognize how often you tie your sense of value and worthiness to performance and outcomes. A journal would be beneficial for going through this process.
2. Next, think about how you deal with obstacles, mistakes, and setbacks. Do you become paralyzed by them? Or do you see them as challenges to take on and enjoy solving? You might be somewhere in between.
3. Are you perfectionistic? Striving toward excellence and even toward an ideal is not a problem. The problem is basing your sense of self on being perfect in everything you do. That’s not possible and is an illusionary pursuit.

Once you’ve gone through these three exercises, you should know how steeped you are in the fixed mindset and see where you need to begin thinking differently.

This will set you up for next week’s blog, which will focus on defining what’s most important to you, and how to spend your time and effort on that while letting go of pursuits that are scarfing up your time and energy.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Prostock-Studio, Courtesy of iStock Photo

What do you visualize when you think of an extrovert? How about the life of the party, or someone who can talk to anyone, or someone who’s warm and enthusiastic and socially adept?

All of those descriptions are valid and span many of the characteristics of extroverts.

Last week I covered introverts, and today we’re going to explore what it means to be an extrovert.

Let’s start with how extroverts draw their energy.

What energizes an extrovert?

Extroverts draw their energy by spending time with people.

No matter what type of extrovert you are, interaction with others is central to your existence.

You turn to other people to energize, recharge, and relax, even when feeling depleted.

Moreover, most extroverts have limitations on how much time they can spend alone and often feel isolated when they do. They thrive in high-energy environments with lots of people, activity, interaction, and even some chaos thrown in. A sports stadium full of fans hooting and hollering is home to an extrovert.

Signs You Might Be An Extrovert

Not all of these apply to everyone, but most extroverts will resonate with the majority of them. Extroverts:

• Love to talk.
• Like being the center of attention.
• Are inspired and energized by socializing.
• Like to talk about their thoughts and feelings.
• Discuss problems rather than internalize them.
• Look to others and outside sources for ideas and inspiration.
• Have numerous broad interests.
• Tend to act first before thinking.
• Are friendly, approachable, and outgoing.
• Are open.
• Enjoy working with groups.

Differences in the Brain

Three differences in an extrovert’s brain explain their need for higher levels of stimulation than that of an introvert. Here they are.

1. Arousal

Extroverts have a low set point for arousal. This means that they require more stimulation to be aroused (excited, energized, awakened) than do introverts.

2. Preference for a Different Side of the Nervous System

Extroverts prefer the sympathetic side of the nervous system as opposed to the parasympathetic side. The sympathetic system acts like a motor revving up your engine, making it ready for action.

When this system is triggered, adrenaline’s released, and your muscles are energized, making you more alert. At the same time, the areas in your brain associated with prudent, careful thinking are turned off.

This is sometimes one of the downsides of being an extrovert because it can lead to impulsive behavior without consideration of consequences.

3. The Dopamine Difference

We’re all familiar with dopamine and its activation of feelings of pleasure in our brains when stimulated. You get that little jolt of dopamine when you look at your phone to see if you have any new messages.

This is called the “dopamine reward network,” and this network is more active in an extrovert’s brain.

When an extrovert anticipates doing something that will provide an emotional reward, like buying a new car, going to a party, or getting a job promotion, they get a “buzz,” or rush of pleasurable feelings.

They like to keep that buzz going and pursue activities to facilitate that.

4 Types of Extroverts

This typology comes from the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. If you’ve never taken this test, you might enjoy doing so. It gives you much information about different aspects of your temperament and personality.

1. Sensing (ES) – Sensory-Oriented Extrovert

The “sensing” extrovert seeks novelty and experiences in their immediate physical environment. They enjoy sights, sounds, smells, textures, and tastes. They thrive on doing something on the fly with a sensory appeal, like trying out a new restaurant, going to a concert or sports event, or embarking on a cruise.

They’re spontaneous and fun-loving and can make decisions quickly, but they don’t always consider past mistakes or history and can get too wrapped up in the moment.

2. Feeling (EF) – People-Oriented Extrovert

These extroverts are warm and empathetic and thrive on connection and social interaction. They’re tuned into the feelings and needs of people around them and enjoy making others feel comfortable and happy. As such, they’re great hosts and good at ironing out conflicts.

EFs love to be helpful and are excellent conversationalists. They’re people pleasers.

3. Intuitive (EN) – Futuristic Extrovert

The intuitive extrovert’s primary drive is “possibility.” These extroverts love abstract ideas and what-ifs. They’re curious and enjoy talking, brainstorming, imagining, learning, debating, and exploring hypotheticals.

Their downside is that they may be indecisive, restless, and short on attention span. They have difficulty committing to a single course of action.

4. Thinking (ET) – Thinking Extrovert

Thinking extroverts are natural leaders, shakers, and movers. They’re confident, goal-oriented, decisive, and derive value and status from interaction with others. They like structure, organization, and achievement, and gain energy from pursuing and stretching themselves toward lofty goals and dreams.

They’re driven by challenge and enjoy creating and working with teams and groups to achieve something.

Some ETs are viewed as domineering and aggressive, which is true in the case of an extrovert who’s narcissistic. But others are collaborative and excel at teamwork. They’re good at inspiring others to be and do their best and to reach for more.

Extrovert Strengths

Extroverts, just like introverts, have many strengths. Undoubtedly, our culture has a bias toward extroversion, and these strengths are part of the equation creating that bias. Here they are.

1. Extroverts lean towards optimism.

They generally have a sunny disposition and approach things positively, with an optimistic view of the future. They see possibility and have a can-do attitude. Because of their orientation toward rewards, they strive for happiness and spend energy pursuing and exuding it.

2. Can function in chaos.

Extroverts can operate in atmospheres with high sensory output and activity levels.

Consider office settings for a moment:

The introvert would prefer a private office with a door that closes, but an extrovert would flourish in an open-space setting with many desks throughout, maybe some of which are grouped but not walled off.

Extroverts would enjoy conversing and exchanging ideas in a setting like this, whereas introverts would find it distracting and overwhelming.

3. Adapt to change.

Extroverts are more comfortable with change than introverts because they’re naturally attracted to novelty. They like new situations and ideas and feel energized by a change in gears in anticipation of possible rewards.

4. Have high levels of enthusiasm.

Extroverts are known for their enthusiasm. One of the ways this manifests is in their ability to inspire others to take action, see the positive sides of something, or consider new ideas. Extroverts are excellent at giving pep talks and encouraging others to pursue their goals and dreams.

5. They’re good communicators.

Because of their desire to interact with people, they enjoy communicating. Talking is their fuel. They’re generally good communicators and negotiators.

Extroverts are superlative networkers who thrive in conferences, meet and greets, expos, and group chats. They can socialize with anyone and make others feel comfortable.

How do I know if I’m an extrovert?

If you resonated with what you read today, you likely are an extrovert. However, you can also take personality tests to find out. Last week I gave you a link to a free quiz you can try. If you want to delve deeper into it, you can take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. It’s not cheap ($49.95). Here’s the link for that.

I’ll finish with a short list of famous extroverts:

Bill Clinton, Margaret Thatcher, Steve Jobs, Winston Churchill, Muhammad Ali, George Bush, Jerry Seinfeld, Tom Hanks, Paul McCartney, Dolly Parton, Mark Cuban, Bob Hope, and John Goodman.

That’s all for today!

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by ILIA KALINKIN, Courtesy of iStock Photo

If you’ve ever taken the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), you’re familiar with some differences between introverts and extroverts. And you know which category you fall under.

You also likely know there’s a continuum from very introverted to very extroverted, and you may fall somewhere on that line. Some people are right over the center of the continuum on one side or the other.

Although you may move along the continuum as you age and have more life experiences, it’s usually believed that whichever type you are, you are for life.

Today we’ll talk about introverts and how to know if you are one. Next week we’ll do the same for extroverts.

Let’s start with a significant difference between the two.

How Introverts Draw Their Energy

A primary difference between introverts and extroverts is the way they draw in energy.

Introverts do this by having time alone in a quiet atmosphere with no demands to talk or interact with someone.

They can be very social, particularly with people they know well, but after a certain amount of time and interaction, they feel drained and need alone time to recharge.

Extroverts are the opposite. They draw energy from interacting with others and need external stimulation to energize. We’ll talk about that more next week.

Other Signs That You’re An Introvert

Here’s a list of possible signs. You may resonate with all or most of them.

• You have a small group of close friends and enjoy deep conversations with them.
• Small talk with new people drains you. You may have learned how to do it but prefer not to if possible.
• You enjoy solitude and the internal meanderings of your mind.
• You’re very self-aware.
• Too much stimulation wears you out and distracts you. If you’re also highly sensitive, which many introverts are, you don’t like loud noise, violent movies, or sensory overload.
• You like to work independently. You can work in groups, but you prefer to prepare ahead of time before interacting. That might include studying alone, researching before a brainstorming session, or secluding yourself when you have a task to complete.
• You learn by observing first and then doing.
• It takes people more time to get to know you.

A Note About Stimulation

Our brains have a network of neurons called the Reticular Activating System (RAS) located in the brainstem. It’s tuned to incoming sensory stimulation and streamlines what and how much we are aware of, thereby regulating our levels of arousal and alertness.

A psychologist, Hans Eysenck, believed that people have a “set point” for arousal levels when stimulated. Following his theory, extroverts have a low set point, meaning they need higher levels of stimulation to be aroused. And as you can guess, introverts have a high set point meaning they’re easily aroused. It takes less to overstimulate them, which is why extended interaction wears them out.

Highly Sensitive Introverts

Some introverts have even a higher set point than the average. These are people who fall into the “highly sensitive” group. Highly sensitive people can quickly become overwhelmed by things like loud noises, violent movie or TV content, arguments, crowds, and sometimes their thoughts and feelings.

You need more solitude and downtime if you’re both introverted and highly sensitive.

Let’s leave that for a minute and talk briefly about different types of introverts.

4 Types of Introverts

Although introverts have commonalities across the board, there are four distinct types, although these may overlap.

1. Social Introvert. This is the type most people think of when they hear the term “introvert.” This person prefers being alone to socializing, although they can do it. They just get drained and need recharging time afterward. They enjoy social time with close friends or family but don’t enjoy large parties or crowds.
2. Thinking Introvert. Thinking introverts spend a significant amount of time in their minds. They love to evaluate and analyze. They can spend hours imagining and creating fantasy worlds and situations, although not necessarily as a means of escape but as an exercise in creativity. You might describe them as deep thinkers, dreamers, or creators.
3. Anxious Introvert. Like social introverts, anxious introverts also don’t enjoy socializing, but the reasons differ. They feel awkward and self-conscious and worry about how other people see them, whereas social introverts simply prefer to be alone. Anxious introverts can get caught up in worrying about how they acted in previous situations and be fearful about future events and how they might behave and be perceived. They fret.
4. Restrained Introvert. These are the people that take extra time to get to know. They warm up slowly. They’re often reserved yet conversant and interactive after getting to know them. They like to sit on the sidelines and observe before jumping in. They think before they act and take time to make important decisions.

Now let’s move on to strengths.

The Introvert’s Strengths

Introverts sometimes get a bad rap because they’re quieter, yet they have some awesome assets. Here’s a short list.

1. They think more.

Several studies have found that introverts have more gray matter in the frontal lobe areas of the brain where rational thinking takes place. This doesn’t mean they’re more intelligent than extroverts, but they enjoy meandering in their minds and engaging in thoughts and ideas.

2. They enjoy single-minded focus.

Introverts naturally like to focus in on a single idea. They’re capable of “deliberate practice,” a system of mastering a skill through repetitive practice and incremental improvements. They’re also “reflective and evaluative,” which allows them to monitor their progress.

3. They’re often gifted.

Introverts are often gifted in a specific field. They like to go deep. They take pleasure in focused, concerted efforts to learn one thing super well rather than a smattering of things not so well.

4. Introverts are more likely to do the right thing.

Because they’re not tuned into immediate rewards and can delay gratification, they don’t tend to act impulsively. They consider consequences and hypotheticals before taking action.

5. They take time to process information and make decisions.

Introverts like full pictures. They’re curious and like to give free rein to their imagination, sift through memories, and plan for the future. When confronted with a problem or new situation, they need time to make connections with previous information that might pertain to the current issue.

As a result, they’re good problem solvers because they can step back and objectively investigate. They stay cool when others are reactive and use their intellect and intuition to decide how to act. They can “see and act on warning signs.”

Introverts and Shyness

Shyness and introversion are different, although the terms are often interchanged. Introversion is a personality type, and shyness is a feeling.

Shy people feel awkwardness and discomfort in social situations, but the cause is anxiety rather than disliking having to “be on” around new people or social demands. Introverts don’t seek out novelty. They like routine, sameness, and consistency.

How do I know which one I am?

If you’ve never taken a test to see, you can try this one offered on IntrovertDear.com. It’s free!

Just for fun, here are some famous introverts: Albert Einstein, Warren Buffet, J. K. Rowling, Meryl Streep, Bill Gates, Eleanor Roosevelt, Steven Spielberg, Rosa Parks, Abraham Lincoln, Michael Jordon, Sir Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, Mahatma Gandhi, and Dr. Seuss.

There are many more you can look up if you’re interested.

Now extroverts, we’ll describe you next week and offer some resources you may like!

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

P. S. Suggested reading:  Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

Photo by SchulteProductions, Courtesy of iStock Photos

I was on Facebook this morning to post something, and against my better judgment, I scrolled a little and looked at comments people were making to some posts of interest. I was stunned at the incivility and harshness of some of the comments, although not surprised.

Regardless of the subject, there were no constraints on how people talked to each other in response to something they either didn’t like or didn’t agree with. Unfortunately, this is not a trend exclusive to social media – it seems to be on the rise in general.

That brings me to today’s subject, which is this:

There’s no redeeming value in harshness, whether in word or deed.

Let’s jump right in.

Emotional Discharge

There’s a term I learned about in graduate school called affectomotor discharge. It comes from psychoanalytic theory, but in a nutshell, it’s a descriptor for a full-fledged toddler tantrum. Its whole purpose is to discharge emotions. It means spewing out intense emotions without the benefit of having your thinking brain on board.

Although that’s normal for toddlers because emotional discharge is part of their developmental phase, and they don’t have the cognition to be self-aware, it’s not okay for adults!

Moreover, affectomotor discharge is not a healthy means of dealing with emotions, yet I see it everywhere. It seems to have become popular and acceptable in media and, unfortunately, in everyday interactions.

Here’s why it’s not healthy.

Unbridled emotional discharge doesn’t allow you to work through your feelings and use them. You get temporary relief, and then they’re back.

It’s a popular myth that if you discharge your negative emotions, they’ll be gone, you’ll feel better, and problems will resolve themselves. That’s not true. Expressing negative emotions correctly can help you gain insight or solve problems. But just discharging them willy-nilly won’t do the job.

In fact, when people express anger by fully engaging in it with no control or effort to monitor the expression, the feeling escalates.

Expressing negative emotions productively, especially anger, requires two processes going on simultaneously:

1. Verbalizing the feeling without attacking.
2. Mindfully watching the process so you can monitor how you’re expressing it.

You can feel something, verbalize it, and mindfully keep your thinking brain on board to watch the process and guide it as you engage in it. This capacity to feel something and maintain self-awareness simultaneously is what makes us human. When we don’t do that, we regress down to lower phases of development – like a two-year-old having a tantrum.

The second reason affectomotor discharge isn’t healthy for an adult is that it’s not productive and, in most cases, is damaging both to the person doing it and the person on the receiving end.

Let’s think about it from a different vantage point.

What’s the purpose of communication?

I come up with five purposes. They are to:

1. Inform
2. Problem-solve
3. Influence
4. Express feelings
5. Facilitate the interchange of ideas and opinions

If you think of all the various ways you communicate, most of them will fall under one of these categories and sometimes span several at once.

Okay, so categories give us a way to look at it, but what makes communication productive? Two elements are necessary. They are:

1. Creating understanding
2. Making a connection

The real intent of any healthy communication is to create understanding between the speaker and receiver.

That doesn’t mean you have to agree on something, but rather that you understand what the other person is saying, feeling, thinking, and needing you to hear. You can do all of that without agreeing with the content.

It’s also essential for the speaker to know that you understand.

In other words, you listen to get what the other person says and then let them know you got it. You might do that by repeating it back or asking questions to clarify. Doing that shows interest and respect for someone’s right to speak and communicate what’s on their mind.

Secondly, when you take the time to understand fully what you’ve heard, and especially what the speaker feels, you create a connection between the two of you.

This happens even when the topic is complex or contentious.

What to Do and Not Do

To facilitate this process, there are do’s and don’ts.

The dos are:

• Treat the other person with respect regardless of the subject matter. You can do this even when you strongly disagree.
• Go for the feeling. How is the person feeling about what he’s saying? By empathizing, you make that all-important connection.
• Figure out what the intent of the conversation is. What does the speaker want? You can tell pretty quickly if someone’s trying to provoke or engage you in an argument. In that case, you can call them on it or opt out. You could say, “Seems like you’re looking for a fight. Yes?” They’ll either back off and be more conciliatory or try harder to provoke you, at which point you can opt out.
• Always maintain your self-respect and keep your emotions in check. Be self-aware of your demeanor as you speak.

The don’ts are:

• No bullying, one-upping, or personal attacking.
• Own your feelings, and don’t blame them on the other person, even if you’re provoked. You’re in charge of how you react.
• Express interest in the other person’s point of view and do your best to understand through their lens.
• Avoid conversations with someone who’s looking for a fight.
• Make “I” statements, not “you” statements.
• Listen first, then respond.

Other Strategies You Can Use

1. Keep conversations civil.

You can maintain civility while expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs. You never need to be harsh. You can be firm without being offensive. Firmness accompanied by respect is far more productive than personal affront. The latter brings on defense and sets up a win-lose situation where nobody actually wins.

2. Opt out.

Secondly, avoid conversations where the other person’s primary intent is to create conflict, provoke you, or launch a personal attack. There’s absolutely no point in entering into conversations with these agendas. You’ll know this is happening when:

• There’s a full-on personal attack.
• The words don’t match the feeling underneath. The person says one thing, but you feel something else coming from them. There’s an ulterior motive or a set-up.
• There’s no room for open discussion. The other person can only see what they think and will hear nothing else.

3. Set rules.

When you have difficult conversations in your relationships that lead to intensive emotional discharge, you might consider setting some ground rules that everyone can follow to prevent things from getting out of hand. I’ve listed a few previous blogs at the end of the page you can read that will help you do that.

4. Decide how you want to behave.

One way to ensure you don’t fall into affectomotor discharge yourself is to set up ground rules you can follow regardless of what anybody else does.

Don’t let someone inflame or provoke you into behaving in a way you don’t wish to. Align your style of communication with your values and stick to it.

That requires self-discipline. You can always take a break during a conversation when you feel you can’t control your emotions. That’s acceptable and preferable to saying and doing things you disapprove of. Taking a break is not the same as avoidance, as long as you revisit the issue when you’re calmer and ready to resume it.

Full Circle

We’re back to where we started, which is:

There’s no redeeming value in harshness, whether in word or deed.

Don’t be pulled into foolish affectomotor discharge. It might give you satisfaction for a moment, but it will hurt you in the long run.

That’s all for today.

I hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Other articles to read:

7 Tips to Improve Your Communication Skills 
 How to Be Heard When You Talk 
 When You Should Cut Your Losses and Step Out of a Conversation

Photo by marekuliasz, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Let’s start with a quote that will introduce today’s subject:

“Men of genius are admired, men of wealth are envied, men of power are feared: but only men of character are trusted.” ~ Alfred Adler

Having good character and seeing it as part of your identity broadcasts to others that you’re trustworthy and reliable and will honor each person’s worthiness by treating them with care and integrity.

Today I’m giving you a list of ten traits that comprise good character and showing you how you can cultivate them.

What exactly is “character”?

Character comprises the core values, beliefs, and moral principles upon which you live your life. It’s an internal identity structure that guides your interactions with others and your behavior in general.

You might define it as “doing the right thing,” even when no one else is looking. It’s a descriptor of who you are.

Here’s our list of ten traits that represent good character.

10 Good Character Traits

1. Integrity

Integrity means you have defined and internalized your core values and principles and live by them. People can count on you to behave in a consistent manner regardless of circumstances.

2. Honesty

You’re straightforward, trustworthy, and will say the same thing in multiple settings and to different people. Your self-presentation is authentic, consistent, and genuine. You’re faithful and loyal to those you love. You protect the privacy of intimate knowledge and guard the sanctity of your close relationships. Your approach to others is sincere and open.

3. Responsibility

You take responsibility for your circumstances, behavior, and actions. People can rely on you to live up to your obligations and commitments. You hold yourself accountable for what you’ve promised and how you act, and follow through with what you say you will do. You don’t blame others when things don’t go right, and you take action to amend and repair mistakes.

4. Compassion

You can empathize and treat others with kindness, consideration, and generosity. Your conscience is well-developed, and you do your best to bring no harm to anyone. You feel guilty when causing someone pain. And when someone needs help, you do your best to come to their aid and support. When others mistreat you, you extend forgiveness even if you must set necessary boundaries to preserve your values and principles. You freely give of yourself without expecting something in return.

5. Respectfulness

You treat everyone with respect and civility based on your belief in our common humanity and every person’s value and worth. You extend kindness and politeness in your interactions with others and preserve each person’s dignity despite their imperfections.

6. Self-Discipline

You maintain self-discipline in pursuing your goals, have a strong work ethic, honor commitments, and show up in your relationships. You can delay gratification, manage your emotions, and execute a well-thought-out plan.

7. Conscientiousness

You like to live up to your highest potential and do things well. Not only are you thoughtful, efficient, organized, dedicated, and diligent in your efforts, you align your activities with your core values to benefit all concerned, not just yourself. You want to do your best and do what’s right. You consistently work on self-improvement.

8. Humility

Although you recognize your worth and have confidence in your abilities, you also know that you’re a student of life and will never stop learning or growing. You’re humbled by the vastness of untapped knowledge and your place in humanity. You don’t see yourself as better than others, regardless of differences in stages of development.

9. Courageousness

You’re determined to face and overcome obstacles to reaching goals that fulfill your purpose and provide meaning, including confronting personal flaws and areas that need improvement. You have the courage to work through discomfort or pain when moving toward a goal.

10. Fairness

When deciding or choosing a course of action, you consider the impact on those involved. You weigh the fairness of any proposed action and are thoughtful and empathetic in your deliberations. You’re open to different opinions and ideas and can objectively view them before moving forward. You choose the option that will provide the most benefit for all while reflecting core values and principles.

How to Improve Your Character

You checked all those boxes, right?

I’m funning, but my guess is that we all probably score high on some of those traits and need work on others.

Wherever you think you are, here’s a 4-step plan to help you evaluate and make improvements.

Step 1: Identify your core values, beliefs, and principles.

Before you do that, let’s clarify what each of these means.

A belief is an assumption about the world or your existence. A value is a trait you believe is essential and serves as a guide to your behavior. A principle is a behavior that will express and fulfill your values.

For example, you may believe each person has a purpose. A corresponding value might be “self-discipline.” A related principle could be that daily, purposeful actions are necessary to reach goals.

Using those definitions, write out your major beliefs (assumptions) and your core values. Under each of those list behaviors that reflect that value. This may be a lengthy process and one you shouldn’t do in a sitting. Do it over weeks, but keep working at it. You might like doing it journal style and adding to it whenever a new realization hits you.

Step 2: Observe your behavior.

Systematically observe your daily behavior and see when you stray from your core values and principles. We all do that to some extent, but you can only catch it if you’re watching and keeping your mind open to see when you deviate. Something as simple as gossiping for a moment may not fit your core values. Although you mean no harm, there’s an element of injury both to you and the person you’re talking about.

Don’t do this exercise to criticize yourself but rather to evaluate where you need to make changes or tighten up.

Step 3: Make a plan to work on areas of struggle.

Pick one thing at a time and consistently work on it. In most cases, this requires changing habits – letting go of dysfunctional ones and replacing them with good ones. This is an ongoing effort.

In last week’s blog, I discussed how your brain automates your habits, thought patterns, behavior, etc. Because of that, you’ll need time, persistence, and patience. But the rewards are great! Use any strategies you think will help.

Step 4: Set up a regular review time to see how you’re doing.

If you don’t do this, you’re more likely to let go of your resolve. Momentum needs to be continuous, which will only happen if you refresh it regularly. A weekly review is best. I’ve added a character review to my already established weekly review of my goals. That way I won’t forget it.

Today’s Challenge

There are current social obstacles to building character that you should keep in mind as you work at it. We’ve moved from a Culture of Character to a Culture of Personality over the past several centuries (Sussman).

Whereas we used to be focused on values like “citizenship, duty, work, golden deeds, honor, reputation, and morals,” our current obsession with personalities has shifted our attention to public personas that are “magnetic, fascinating, stunning, attractive, glowing, dominant, forceful, and energetic,” (Cain). Personas have taken precedence over ethics and behavior.

Having a good personality is all well and good, but not at the expense of having good character. Ultimately your successes on every front will depend much more on character than personality.

Character is the foundation of your personality, so make it good!

That’s all for today!

I hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

_{Cain, S. (2012). Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. Crown Publishing Group.
Sussman, W. (2003). Culture as History: The Transformation of American Society in the Twentieth Century. Smithsonian Books.}

Most people think breaking a bad habit is hard, and it is, but where you get lost is in thinking that it depends entirely on willpower. Willpower is involved, but that’s only a part of it. Knowing how your brain works and how to make use of that is a critical part you may not know about.

Today I’ll take you through how this works and show you how to use your brain to help you transition from a bad habit to a good one.

The Brain’s Part in Habit Formation

Part 1: Automation

You likely know that the more you do something, your brain automates it for you so you can do it without thinking or applying direct concentration. It allows you to economize your mental energy so you can use it to focus on what needs your attention.

Driving is a perfect example. I’m sure you’ve had the experience of driving from one place to another and, upon getting there, realizing you weren’t noticeably aware of the journey. Your mind was on other things.

This happens because your brain has established neuron paths and connections that help you drive using your subconscious mind while your conscious thoughts can entertain something else. And the more you do something, the easier it is and the less attention it requires.

Part 2: Associations

That’s the first part. The second part is that you also build a network of associations. By stringing certain activities together, your neurons fire together and create a web of associations to make it all work more efficiently.

When you get into the car to drive, you put on your seatbelt, set your purse or briefcase in the passenger seat, turn on the radio, start the car, put it in gear, and go. Each activity is part of a string of related actions wired together, so you don’t have to think about them as you do them.

That’s how habits are formed and automated.

And, the more you repeat a series of actions or thoughts, the stronger the network and the more set the associations.

Part 3: Attachments

Now for the third part which has to do with attachments.

Driving is a routine habit, but there are other habits that involve strong emotional attachments. These habits are the ones that are more difficult to break.

Smoking, overeating, social media consumption, and picking the wrong partners are all habits that have strong emotional components. They come from your history, experiences, and memories stored in your brain but are not necessarily available to your conscious mind.

Again in these cases, your brain helps you maintain these habits by creating neuron paths and webs of connections that tie different experiences, emotions, and actions together.

Smoking is an excellent example of this. First, there’s a physiological component which is nicotine addiction. Then come the multitude of associations you create, like smoking after dinner, smoking with coffee in the morning, smoking to take a break, smoking when you’re upset, and so on. These associations are all represented in your brain and solidified the more you repeat them.

Let’s go deeper.

When you have experiences with strong emotional components, your subconscious brain logs these in as “important.” It grows deeper neurons paths with associations that set up triggers.

All of that happens without your conscious awareness.

Your conscious mind operates about 5%, and the other 90% represents subconscious and unconscious activity.

Your subconscious and unconscious are always working to make connections to help you survive and predict future events. This is even more so when emotions and attachments are involved.

Your mind and brain form a continuous feedback loop.

It’s an efficient system, but problems arise when you want to change automated systems. Your brain throws up roadblocks because it’s already set up working neuron paths, associations, and attachments.

It’s no wonder moving in a new direction is so hard.

How to Get Your Brain to Help You

When you want to eliminate a bad habit, especially one with a strong emotional hold on you, you can get your brain to help by facilitating some rewiring. Here’s a three-step process to use.

Step 1: Decide on an alternative habit.

If you want to lose weight, you could create a new eating plan, start an exercise program, and read up on nutrition; however, that entails creating several new habits that require a lot of willpower. It’s a setup to fail. Your brain’s going to balk.

Choose one thing that’s doable, feels easiest, and appeals the most. Maybe you walk 20 minutes daily, five days a week, to start. Or you reduce calories by 10%. Make it small and simple.

Step 2: Automate it.

Set up the schedule and do it. If you have a difficult time sticking with that, make it easier. Walk 10 minutes, or lift weights three times per week and do one set of three exercises. Get it down to what you need to succeed.

You have to get under your brain’s radar, so your resistance is as low as possible.

As you repeat it, a habit will form, your brain will set up the proper neuron paths, and if you do it the same way every time, it will set up associations to help automate it.

For example, I walk at least five days a week at five in the afternoon. I wear the same clothes and walking shoes, carry my phone with music downloaded, and wear air pods in my ears. I walk the same path most days and walk for at least 30 minutes. I’m so used to it that it feels weird if I don’t do it. My brain has created neuron paths and associations, and they’re set in my psyche.

Step 3: If you start and fall back, start up again.

This is the pivotal part. Your old habits will pull at you, and your brain will create resistance. You have to coax it by jumping back on the horse and trotting slowly forward until the new wiring is stronger than the old one.

If you remember this, you won’t chastise yourself for falling back. You’ll be patient with yourself and your brain as it gets everything set up and automated.

The need to work with your brain is behind the idea of improving just 1% daily, as James Clear has suggested in his book Atomic Habits. Big changes rarely work well, but small persistent changes work, and recognizing that you’ll have setbacks is a necessary part of that.

When you throw in the towel because you fell back on your resolution, you’re not giving your brain the time it needs to rewire.

Here’s what happens next.

Once you establish a new habit and it’s neurologically embedded, your desire for the old habit will dry up. The old neuron paths will become inactive.

Secondly, your brain will facilitate attachment to the new habit and want more of it.

For example, if your new habit is to eat a healthy diet, the longer you do it, the more you want healthy food. Then when you eat junk food, it doesn’t taste as good as you remembered and it feels terrible.

The lesson is that whatever you tell your brain you want, and you show that with repeated actions, it will accommodate you and want more of that. Not only will you lose the old habit, but you also won’t crave it anymore, and your brain will amplify that for you.

The moral of the story is – Make your brain your ally! It will help if you give it what it needs to create your desired habits.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by ArtistGNDphotography, Courtesy of iStock Photos

Why is it so hard to take criticism? It may vary depending on your sensitivity, but even stoic people don’t particularly like to be criticized. If you’re highly sensitive, you can feel shattered by it.

It gets down to these three elements:

1. How you perceive it
2. How you internalize it
3. How you react to it

Let’s review these and discuss how you can deal effectively with each part of the process. I’ll also tell you how not to do it.

How do you perceive it?

When someone says something to you either directly or indirectly that smacks of criticism, how does it go in? How do you experience it?

Think about this carefully for a moment. Go back to a situation where you felt criticized and slow it down. What were the thoughts and feelings you experienced when you heard the words?

Usually, our reactions are so fast that we don’t recognize all the emotions involved, at least not at first.

Here are some possible examples. Maybe you:

• Feel overwhelmed, and your mind fogs momentarily. You can’t think, and your feelings are muddled and negatively tinged. It’s too much to take in.
• Your body temperature goes up or down, and you feel queasy or unsettled.
• You feel stung, surprised, and derailed temporarily.
• You feel hurt, shamed, and angry all a the same time. You might tear up.

Generally, there’s a rush of emotional responses that blend together. The overall perception is of being attacked, and your emotional brain quickly formulates a fight-flight-or-freeze response.

How do you internalize it?

This is the pivotal part because how you let it land and take it in determines how you respond. Here are several possible scenarios.

Scenario #1: It’s an indictment of your whole person.

You aren’t hearing the criticism as something related to a specific behavior but are seeing it as a characterization of your whole self. It’s a full-on frontal attack. You narrow your sense of self down to the specific criticism and equate it with who you are.

Scenario #2: You wholeheartedly refuse it.

In this case, you don’t consider whether there’s any truth to it. You won’t let it get far enough in to look at it. You erect an impenetrable wall.

Scenario #3: You can’t get a grip on your thoughts or feelings and feel adrift.

You’re overwhelmed. It feels like you’re moving through sludge and can’t wrap your mind around what you hear. You’re paralyzed. You feel traumatized even if the weight and strength of the criticism don’t warrant such a big reaction.

How do you react?

Your reaction will depend on how you’ve perceived and internalized what you’ve heard. Back to our scenarios:

Scenarios 1 & 2:

You’re most likely to defend in the first two cases – whole-person indictment and impenetrable wall. Most of the time, it’s a verbal defense ranging from denial to counterattack, and often both. Your words might be strong and loud, or you refuse to talk or interact.

Your partner tells you you’re being stubborn and unreasonable, and you quickly retort:

“I am not! What about you? What about last week when I tried to get you to work on our finances, and you refused and accused me of overspending and being the problem? Who was being stubborn and unreasonable then? Huh?!”

Who hasn’t had conversations like that?

Scenario 3:

You’re feeling overwhelmed and can’t grasp what you hear or how you feel or think, so you freeze.

This type of reaction likely stems from your history. It’s linked to earlier experiences that felt damaging, painful, and traumatic. Criticism for you sets off an internal alarm.

You might have grown up in a household where parental anger was volatile and frightening, and any missteps on your part led to severe punishment or emotional upheaval. Or maybe it was used as a means of control and projection.

Any new criticism brings up the old fears and paralyzes you temporarily. You retreat internally until you can sort out what’s happening.

People with this type of history may also react as in the second case scenario – counterattacking vociferously and loudly while erecting a wall of defense.

What can you do?

1. Review your history.

Write out the specific types of criticism that trigger you and how you respond to them. The goal is to identify your reaction patterns and understand where they come from. If you have a good grip on this information, you can work on changing them.

2. Avoid wholesale labels.

Instead of labeling yourself (or being labeled by the other person) with personality characteristics – stubborn, defensive, selfish, infantile, judgmental, etc. – focus on the behavior in question. If someone’s labeling you, shift their attention to the behavior.

The easiest way to do that is to ask, “What leads you to think that? What have I done that leads to you say I’m stubborn?”

Always shift to behavior and away from wholesale personality characteristics.

Three of the worst ways to tell someone about something you don’t like are to label, diagnose, or scorn them with contempt. It’s hard to withstand that sort of attack without feeling defensive, angry, or retreating.

That brings us to the next thing.

3. Set boundaries on how someone criticizes you.

You can do it in the act by saying something like:

“I’m willing to hear what bothers you, but not if you continue to label me, attack, diagnose, or be contemptuous. Tell me the specific behavior you’re bothered by, but respectfully please.”

If that doesn’t go over well, step out of the conversation until the person is willing to approach you as requested.

4. Work on your self-perception.

This is important because regardless of how respectfully or gently someone delivers criticism, you’ll be more sensitive to hearing it if you struggle with feelings of worth or are already unhappy with your behavior and haven’t been able to get on top of it.

Humility’s hard to come by when you already feel insufficient and not good enough. The ultimate goal is to look at yourself honestly with a discriminating eye and see your strengths and weaknesses without attacking yourself.

Recognize patterns you need to work on, but don’t equate them with all of who you are. Ask yourself, “How can I improve on my weaknesses while making use of my strengths?”

The way you react to criticism from others will reflect how you respond to criticism of yourself.

If you’re in the habit of beating yourself up or excusing behaviors you shouldn’t, you won’t react well to outside criticism. Get used to seeing yourself, flaws and all, with care and love while striving to improve. Make sure to always keep your strengths in mind as you review what needs fixing. Perfectionism has no place in this process.

How do I do that?

Here are four ideas you can try:

1. You can read if you like doing that. I’d suggest Brene Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection as a good starting place. This book will help you embrace your flaws while feeling good about who you are.
2. You can seek therapy which, by the way, isn’t just for people with serious problems. It can be a growth-enhancing process for anyone and helps you know yourself better.
3. Practice taking in little criticisms and changing your reaction deliberately. Read this blog.
4. Last, I’ve attached a quick-read PDF on How to Stop Being Defensive if you haven’t already seen or read it. You can download it here!

The good thing is, even if you’re highly sensitive to criticism, you can get good at handling it and making it work to your benefit.

That’s all for today.

I hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by fizkes, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Sometimes asking for what you want isn’t easy. It can get complicated. It depends on what it is, its importance, and who you’re asking.

Today we’re going to go over the factors that get in the way and how to handle them, along with some basic strategies you can use to make your requests stronger, more precise, and more likely to get a favorable response.

Let’s start with five psychological factors.

Five Things to Consider Before You Ask

1. Clarity

What exactly are you asking for?

You can’t successfully get a response if you don’t first know clearly what you want and why you want it.

There are two types of requests. Knowing about these will help you sort out what you want. They are:

1. Acknowledgment
2. Action

There’s a request in every communication, and that request is for acknowledgment. When talking to someone, you want some indication that they heard you. This is true whether you’re asking for something specific or just chatting.

If you walk into a room and say hello to someone, you expect some acknowledgment – either they say hello back, nod, or indicate they heard you speak.

There’s a request in your “hello.” If no one looks up, speaks, or indicates you’ve entered the room and spoken, you feel rejected and likely invisible. Your unspoken request for acknowledgment has been denied.

If you walk into the room and say hello, followed by a request for help to figure out a financial statement you’re working on, you’ve asked for both acknowledgment and action.

All this means is that when thinking about what you’re requesting, know how much of what you want is acknowledgment and how much is action. What specifically do you want? You need to be committed to that before you can ask. If you’re wishy-washy and aren’t committed to what you’re asking for, you’ll likely get a lukewarm or mixed response.

2. Believing

Do you believe you deserve what you’re asking for?

If you don’t, that will come across.

Have you had someone ask you something and then qualify it by saying, “You probably don’t have time for that,” or maybe “I shouldn’t ask,” or perhaps they avoid eye contact, fidget around, and look like they’re ready to dash for the door?

If you really think you shouldn’t ask, then don’t. But if that’s just another way of saying you don’t deserve what you’re asking for, you should think that through before asking.

It’s important to feel confident that you deserve what you’re asking for and not asking for too much. Your confidence will help to get a positive response or at least more conversation about what you need.

3. Cost

What’s it going to cost you?

If the request is simple, there may be no immediate cost.

If you ask your partner when he goes into the kitchen to bring you a soda on the way back to the living room, there’s no immediate cost. There is an expectation, however, that you’ll both do little things for each other like that when requested.

If you ask to be chosen to chair a committee working on a philanthropic project, the cost will be the time, work, and effort you’ll need to put in.

If you want your partner to agree to remodel your kitchen, the cost will be losing a place to cook and prepare meals for the time it takes to get the work done.

There’s always a cost. Know that before asking.

4. Expectations

Are your expectations too narrow?

Strangely, sometimes what you ask for, you get, but not in the way you imagined it. It comes from another source, much later, or as part of something better than your original request. You have to have some faith. And you may need to ask more than once.

5. Fear

What might you be afraid of?

Possibilities are fear of:

• Rejection.
• Getting what you want and it not living up to your expectations.
• Having to pay the price for getting it.
• Making a mistake and asking for the wrong thing.
• Not getting it in the time you need it.

Consider all these and do your homework as best you can, but once you feel confident in your request, don’t let fear keep you from asking.

If you’ve carefully considered your true wants, the price of getting it, and your expectations, and you still want to go forward, then go. You can always make changes. Don’t get into an all-or-nothing mindset.

How to Ask

Now let’s go through strategies that will get you the best results.

1. Be clear and direct.

No matter the request, be direct. Spell it out and say exactly what you want, when you want it, and how you want it. Avoid hinting, and don’t leave anything dangling that confuses the other person about what you’re asking. By all means, don’t expect someone to read your mind, even if it’s your partner who knows you well. Make your requests as straightforward as possible. Directness builds trust.

2. Ask with confidence.

Be concise and avoid offering a defense for what you’re asking. Sometimes people get defensive when asking for something before anyone questions their request or desire. Obviously, if you ask for a raise at work, you’ll want to give a concise summary of why you deserve it, but even then, be careful to keep any hint of defensiveness out of it.

3. Be specific.

Global questions get poor responses. They’re fine for open discussions or philosophical debates, but you need to be specific to get something specific. Spell out any pertinent details.

4. Assess receptivity.

Consider who you’re asking and what you think the level of receptivity will be. What might they need to know, and will they be interested in helping? You may also know upfront what you could reciprocate that would feel like a win-win to everyone.

I’m not suggesting you manipulate, but rather be mindful of the person you’re asking and how they might receive your request. Above all, be respectful even if the answer is no.

5. Choose a good time.

As much as you can, select a good time to make your request.

For example:

• Asking your partner to help you solve a messy problem before you both retire for the night is terrible timing.
• Asking your boss for a raise when he’s preparing for an important talk is also poor timing.

Other considerations are don’t approach someone when they’re distracted, overly tired, or overwhelmed. For important requests, ask ahead when a good time would be to discuss your request.

When You Get a “No”

When you get turned down, take some time to regroup and ask yourself these questions:

• What might I do instead? What are the alternatives?
• Is there someone else I can ask or another source of help for what I need?
• Should I let this go for now and wait and see what develops?
• Might I ask again at a later time?
• Are there some steps I can take on my own to work toward the goal I want to achieve?

There isn’t always an immediate solution. Sometimes you need to have faith that what you want (if it’s something that’s good for you), will come around in its own time. That doesn’t mean you give up. It means you keep yourself open to unexpected developments that push you in the right direction.

Sometimes taking small steps brings on those bigger payoffs.

Asking gets the ball rolling, even if it rolls in a different direction than you thought it would.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by PixelsEffect, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Have you ever given someone the “silent treatment?” Or been on the receiving end of it? I confess that I can say yes to both questions, and based on statistics, most of us can say the same.

According to a study done in 1997, 70% of US citizens admitted to having received the silent treatment from their partners, and slightly less admitted to using it (Faulker et al., 1997).

You might think it’s not a big deal, but the effects are painful and long-lasting depending on how much and for what purposes it’s used.

That’s what we’re focusing on today. I’ll start with a definition and description.

What is the “silent treatment”?

All the definitions have the same essential elements:

The “silent treatment” is the intentional refusal to communicate, interact, connect, or acknowledge someone who’s attempting to make contact with you.

The most common behaviors used when giving the silent treatment are:

• Avoiding eye contact
• Not speaking except in monosyllables
• Engaging in other activities as though you don’t exist
• Being friendly and welcoming with other people in your presence
• Walking behind or in front of you
• Avoiding touching of any kind
• Retreating to other rooms in the house if you’re home together
• Opting out of regular activities such as eating together, watching TV, doing chores
• Avoiding any attempt on your part to communicate about what’s happening (stonewalling)

The silent treatment can make you feel:

• Invisible, unimportant, or scorned.
• Like you need to walk on eggshells.
• That you’re being punished.
• In limbo because you have no idea when it will end.

It sounds awful, doesn’t it? It is, but there are some distinctions that can help you navigate it when it happens. It boils down to why someone withdraws and becomes silent. What’s the intended purpose? Some intentions are rather devastating, and some aren’t.

The Not So Bad – A Defensive Tactic

Overwhelm. If you’re in a situation or discussion that’s emotional, heated, confusing or all of the above, you could become overwhelmed to the point that you can’t make sense of what’s happening. You might shut down or become quiet in those cases because continued interaction will go nowhere or worsen things.

At those times, becoming silent isn’t an act of maliciousness or manipulation. It’s more an act of survival.

Anger. You feel triggered by something that leads to anger or rage. If you keep talking, things will get out of hand, so you retreat and avoid conversation and interaction until your anger subsides and you have a cool head.

Protect yourself from abuse. You sense that you’re treading into dangerous territory, so you become quiet to avoid being abused or hurt.

Avoidance of emotional issues. You aren’t recognizing or dealing with long-term emotional or psychological problems that push you to shut down, seek seclusion, and avoid contact.

In all of these cases, the purpose is to manage emotions – either your own or the other person’s.

The Bad – A Power Play

The harmful aspects of using silent treatment involve the intent to exercise power. By withdrawing, ignoring, disconnecting, and disdaining, silent treatment becomes a means of:

1. Control
2. Punishment
3. Manipulation

This type of silent treatment leaves you feeling cut off and helpless. Worse, you don’t always know what set the other person off.

Kipling Williams, who has studied “ostracism,” found in his many interviews that people receiving silent treatment from their partners or parents often didn’t know what had caused it. Those who did know said that, in many cases, it was something relatively trivial and had no real negative consequences.

Sometimes the silent treatment went on for days and ended as if nothing had happened, and everyone returned to their everyday interactions.

For others, it ended when the targeted person apologized, usually without knowing what they were apologizing for.

In other cases, silent treatment was a clear act of manipulation to get someone to do something and ended when the victim consented.

The Effects

Some of the most notable effects of receiving the silent treatment are:

• Self-doubt
• Reduced self-esteem
• Isolation and loneliness
• Anxiety
• Depression and sadness
• Physiological distress (digestive problems, eating disturbances, migraines, lowered immunity, sexual dysfunction, sleep disturbances)

Research has shown that in addition to the above, one of the things that makes silent treatment so hard to deal with is its ambiguity.

You may not know why it’s happening, you don’t know when it will end, and you have no avenue to take action to move it along.

Many victims of long-term silent treatment said they preferred being beaten rather than ignored. At least that’s contact!

You’ve heard people say, “I’d rather you yell at me than get quiet and ignore me.”

The effects are powerful.

Being ostracized attacks our biological and psychological need for connection, acceptance, and love. Blatant disregard and rejection create significant emotional pain, especially when expressed silently. You feel ghosted, dismissed, diminished, and vulnerable all at the same time.

Research has shown that the area of the brain that’s activated during physical pain, the anterior cingulate cortex, is also activated when enduring social pain, especially ostracism (Eisenberger, N. & Lieberman, M., 2004).

One example given by Williams in his interviews was of a woman who felt intense pain in the left side of her chest during periods of enduring the silent treatment (Williams, 2002).

Excluding and ignoring people, such as giving them the cold shoulder or silent treatment, are used to punish or manipulate, and people may not realize the emotional or physical harm that is being done.

What to Do

1. Say you need space.

When you need to withdraw, say it. Let the other person know you need space and time to get your thoughts and emotional equilibrium back to normal. Let them know you’re not ignoring them on purpose, but need some time away.

2. Don’t use the silent treatment as a means of solving problems.

If you have an issue or problem with someone, approach it directly by talking about it. Withholding yourself isn’t a good management tool. It will make things worse and do permanent damage.

3. Set boundaries on unacceptable behavior.

Whether it’s your partner, parent, child, friend, or work colleague, let them know firmly that being given the silent treatment isn’t okay. Tell them how it makes you feel and how to approach you better. Don’t allow yourself to be controlled or manipulated by it.

4. Help reframe silent treatment as needed time.

If someone’s upset and needs time away from you yet doesn’t or can’t say it, say it for them. “It seems like you need time to get your thoughts and feelings together. I understand that. I’ll leave you to yourself until you say otherwise.”

5. Don’t let problems hang on indefinitely.

Many silent treatment episodes occur when you feel helpless to resolve something or are angry about something that’s happened repeatedly. Seek help if you can’t work out the issue on your own.

What if you’re in the habit of using the silent treatment?

If you know you use the silent treatment for any of the reasons described, replace it with some of the suggestions I’ve outlined above. If you can’t control it, seek therapy to help you work through the underlying issues that still impact your current behavior.

Seek therapy also if you’re in a pattern of avoiding contact with people in general and secluding yourself. We all have people we avoid and likely have good reasons for that, but avoidance across the board isn’t healthy.

Believe it or not, research has also revealed that once you get used to giving the silent treatment, it’s rather addictive (Williams, 2002). All the more reason to get some help to break the cycle.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

_{Agarwal, S. & Prakash, N. (2022). Psychological costs and benefits of using silent treatment. Journal of Research in Humanities and Social Science 10(4), 49-54. https://www.questjournals.org/jrhss/papers/vol10-issue4/Ser-3/H10044954.pdf}

_{Eisenberger, N. I. (2012 Feb). The neural bases of social pain: Evidence for shared representations with physical pain. Psychosomatic Medicine, 74(2), 126-135.  DOI: 10.1097/PSY.0b013e3182464dd1}

_{Eisenberger, N. I. & Lieberman, M. D. (2004 Jul). What rejection hurts: A common neural alarm system for physical and social pain. Trends in Cognitive Science, 8(7), 294-300.  DOI: 10.1016/j.tics.2004.05.010}

_{Faulkner, S., Williams, K., Sherman, B., & Williams, E. (1997, May). The “silent treatment”: Its incidence and impact. Paper presented at the 69th annual meeting of the Midwestern Psychological Association, Chicago.}

_{Onoda, K., Okamoto, Y., Nakashima, K., Nittono, H., Yoshimura, S., Yamawaki, S., Yamaguchi, S., & Ura, M. (2010 Dec). Does low self-esteem enhance social pain? The relationship between trait self-esteem and anterior cingulate cortex activation induced by ostracism. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 5(4), 385-391. DOI: 10.1093/scan/nsq002}

_{Schrodt, P. (2014 Jan). A meta-analytical review of the demand/withdraw pattern of interaction and its associations with individual, relational, and communicative outcomes. Communication Monographs 81(1). DOI:10.1080/03637751.2013.813632}

_{Sommer, K. L., Williams, K. D., Ciarocco, N. J., & Baumeister, R. (2001 Dec). When silence speaks louder than words: Explorations into the intrapsychic and interpersonal consequences of social ostracism. Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 23(4), 225-243. DOI:10.1207/S15324834BASP2304_1}

_{Stritof, S. (2022 October 31). What couples should know about the silent treatment: How to know when silence is abusive. Very Well Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/married-couples-silent-treatment-2303421}

_{Williams, K. D. (2002). Ostracism: The Power of Silence. The Guilford Press.}