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How do you help someone who’s stuck or feeling paralyzed without enabling them?

It’s a fine line sometimes, but there are some things you can do and will help, while other strategies won’t help and can make things worse.

Before you use the strategies I’m going to give you, you need to decide if the situation is one you want to take on. Here’s how to figure that out.

Ask yourself these questions.

1. Can this person make use of help? In other words, is this someone who perpetually seeks help but doesn’t use it? They give lip service to good advice but never take it.
2. What’s your level of investment in this person? You’re more likely to want to offer help to someone you’re close to than an acquaintance, although you might still want to help someone you don’t know all that well, depending on the situation and what kind of help they need.
3. Will offering help to this person create a hardship for you? Do you have the time, energy, and willingness to get involved?
4. And last, what’s your motivation? If you’re offering help because of your investment in the outcomes, you might want to rethink it. An example would be needing someone to change their behavior to reduce your anxiety about them. That isn’t always a bad thing, but you need to be aware of your motivation and understand the impact it might have on being able to offer tangible help.

Now let’s go through the strategies.

The Process to Use

Listen and validate.

The first step is to get a clear picture of what’s happening with this person. To do that, ask open-ended questions and encourage her to talk about what’s bothering her and how she feels about it.

This requires listening empathetically without judgment. Once she becomes comfortable talking openly and lays out the problem, ask her what she thinks is in the way of moving past her dilemma. What are the obstacles?

Sometimes just getting things out on the table creates a small opening and lifts the feeling of paralysis. Don’t try to fix it at this point.

Clarify what unstuck would look like.

In other words, where does she want to be? What specific things or behaviors would make her feel like she’d climbed out of the hole and was on her way to fixing her problem? What’s the goal?

Sometimes people don’t know the answers to these questions, or their shame has blurred the possibility of anything changing.

But, by continued empathetic listening and questioning, you can help them begin to sift through the thoughts and emotional obstacles that are in the way. These need to be identified because they significantly impact being and staying stuck.

Point out any positive movement, ability, or success.

Point out any other successes or actions that she’s taken previously. These don’t necessarily have to apply to the situation at hand, although if they do, all the better. Help her recognize her strengths that she can tap into.

Reminding someone of their accomplishments or successes draws them away from all-or-nothing thinking and extreme judgments that keep them in the never-ending “I’m not worthy” loop.

Lend your ego strength.

This is where your active participation comes in. Offer to help get things going by doing the following:

1. Come up with one or two small actions she can take. Nothing big, time-consuming, or difficult. Agree to one.
2. Set up continued accountability by checking in with each other. Make it regular. If the action is scheduled two days from now, set up a check-in after that – either the same day or the day after. If it fails, schedule it again until successful.
3. Once there’s a success, set up a new action and repeat the whole thing.

You lend your ego strength when you maintain your involvement and cheer the other person on. You’re showing that you have faith in their ability to follow through, and you have a backup plan if things don’t go well the first time.

In some cases, you might go as far as to take the first step with them. For example, if improving health is the plan, you might agree to walk with them several times a week. Or if they need to make an appointment somewhere, you could be present when they make the phone call. It depends on your relationship and what seems appropriate based on that.

A caveat here: This step and the next are most likely not something you would do with an acquaintance or someone you’re not close to. They’re for people you’re more invested in.

Continue accountability checks.

Set up a regular check-in once you both get through the first action and a follow-up. You’re acting as an accountability partner. However, this is tricky because you don’t want to take on the role of monitoring or managing.

Sometimes accountability agreements work best if both people are involved in accounting for something. You each make goals and set regular check-ins to see how you’re both progressing. By doing it this way, no one feels watched, which could result in resistance to the whole plan.

Here’s what not to do.

The basic rules are:

1. Don’t criticize.

Encourage trying again when there’s a failure. Remember that your purpose is to lend a hand, not to become invested in the other person’s performance. You’ll be most helpful if you can keep your personal goals out of it.

2. Look for small wins and reward them with feedback.

You’re the helper, cheerleader, and compassionate witness of the struggle.

3. Don’t enable bad behavior.

You can empathize with someone’s woes when stuck in destructive behavior patterns, but you can’t do things that will enable them to continue those behaviors. You need to set boundaries.

You wouldn’t keep giving someone money who continues to overspend. You could assist them with figuring out how to overcome that problem and validate that it’s hard to do, but not rescue them from it. Help them take steps to solve it, not continue it.

This is where the fine line comes in:

The more invested you are in the person and your relationship with them, the harder it is not to rescue.

4. Don’t help at your own expense.

Helping should be good for both of you. If being involved with the issue is too stressful or difficult for you, you need to think carefully about how much you can offer.

An Added Benefit

If you’re the one who’s stuck, you can apply all of these steps yourself. You can enlist the help of someone who cares about you but will let you solve your problems without trying to fix them or tell you what to do.

If you’d like to try this, select someone and let them read these steps. Together, plot out how you want to apply them. Maybe you can work with someone who’s also feeling stuck, and you can be each other’s ear and accountability partner. This arrangement works very well because you both get the added energy of being the supporter.

Helping someone else get unstuck can allow you to do the same.

The critical component to making this work is to accept and deal with repeated failed efforts and then try again until there’s a success.

The most essential quality is perseverance, not succeeding. Because if you persevere regardless of the number of tries needed, you will succeed.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

You broadcast messages daily that give people information about who you are and what you want – or don’t want.

Most of these messages are given and received subconsciously, but they influence how people experience you and how your life unfolds.

You can’t be aware of all the information stashed away in your subconscious and unconscious mind. It would be impossible to hold all of that in awareness at once. Still, you can figure out the primary messages you send based on your experiences – especially repetitive ones.

It helps to go through this process when you’re feeling stuck or have repeated experiences you don’t want to have, or are not getting what you want despite your many attempts to do so.

Examples might be:

• Wishing to be in a relationship but consistently striking out
• Attracting the same type of toxic person over and over
• Going from one job to another and being disappointed every time
• Making friends but being unable to hold on to them
• Or you generally find yourself in the same unwanted situation again and again

You may feel that you’ve tried everything possible to change these patterns with no success.

So what gives? If you’ve tried what you can, what else can you do other than suffer more?

The answer’s not out there; it’s in here. Inside of you. What are you broadcasting from the inside that creates the same old disappointing experiences?

This isn’t about blame. It’s about stretching your awareness to see if there are subconscious messages you may be sending out unknowingly that conflict with your aspirations and desires.

Here are six messages you may be broadcasting that interfere with getting what you want.

1. You can take advantage of me.

You wouldn’t broadcast a message like that knowingly, but you can easily send it based on your behavior. Behaviors might include things like:

1. Doing things to please others, even when at your expense
2. Letting your need to be liked override being exploited or abused
3. Repeatedly rescuing people without holding them accountable
4. Saying yes to everything, even when you don’t want to
5. Taking on responsibilities that aren’t yours

All these behaviors let people know they can take advantage of you, even if they do it unknowingly or not on purpose. You encourage it without meaning to and then feel resentful when it occurs. It happens automatically.

2. Rescue me!

The desire to be rescued may not be in your conscious awareness, but it comes through loud and clear when it’s there.

What people feel coming from you is a sense of desperation. You might come off as confident, especially at first, but the underground feelings of loneliness and neediness come through over time.

Despite what you say or how you act, helplessness pervades the emotional air around you, and people drop off.

The need to be rescued can co-exist with being taken advantage of because, in your quest to get the love and attention you need, you sacrifice yourself, hoping it will bring someone in (or keep them there).

3. I’m not worthy.

Feeling unworthy can come through in many ways. Sometimes it’s obvious and shows up in how you talk about yourself and through your body language.

You can also transmit it through self-deprecating behaviors.

A less obvious one is a lack of self-care and self-discipline.

Someone who feels unworthy might not take care of themselves; they let their body go, ignore health issues, finances are in shambles, live in clutter, do sloppy work on the job, forget things, etc.

That doesn’t mean that these behaviors all represent feelings of unworthiness. You can be forgetful, for example, yet function highly in general.

I’m talking about an overall pattern of letting yourself go, which translates to “I’m not worthy enough to care for.” People will automatically reflect that feeling back to you, even when unaware. Or it can trigger the same feeling in someone else, and they avoid you to avoid feeling it in themselves.

4. I need attention.

In this instance, your behavior is aimed at getting attention, sometimes at the expense of others. You might seem dramatic, entitled, self-centered, or just loud. You might turn most conversations back to you. Or you compete with or one-up others and don’t recognize their discomfort or disapproval of your behavior.

Attention seekers can be engaging initially, but the interest wears off quickly, and people scatter as they realize it’s a one-way street.

5. I need to be in control.

There’s a fine dividing line between being competent and needing control. You’re likely attractive when you present as someone who’s confident, able to manage things, and intelligent. However, if those qualities are tinged with militarism and a need to be in charge no matter what, you’ll push away people because you lack the ability to collaborate and be open-minded to the wishes and needs of others.

Dominance is not an attractive quality, and where you might initially attract someone with your competence, they move away when they uncover the need to control underneath it.

6. I can’t be trusted.

People may not learn this about you right away, but it comes through over time. It may be subtle, like not following through on what you say or fudging things ever so slightly to avoid being in trouble.

It may show up in a big way, like cheating, omitting significant information, or lying outright about things that will be offensive when uncovered. Or it might manifest through repeated manipulation or personal attacks that seem unwarranted.

Trustworthiness is a character trait, and if it’s not there or is consistently challenged, people sense it even before you act it out. It’s as though you’re wearing a “keep out” sign on your back to everyone except those who are either like you or have repeatedly been victimized and can’t break the pattern.

Even an unwitting lack of dependability or reliability can send the message, “I can’t be trusted.”

What to Do

If you have repeated experiences that aren’t satisfying or cannot engage in relationships that are good for you and meet your expectations, try going through this list and ask yourself if any of these messages apply. Take your time and give it some deep thought. It’s easy to defend even while trying to sift through the possibilities, but keep at it until you’re satisfied with your progress.

If you can pinpoint messages you broadcast that keep you from what you want, you can change them to more attractive and healthier ones.

It may require changing your self-talk and behavior as well. It takes work, but it’s work that’s worth the time.

Get some help if you can’t do it yourself. We’re most blinded by ourselves. It’s easy to see patterns like this in others, but we have difficulty turning inward. If you have someone who knows you well that you trust, you can run the list by them and ask if they see these patterns in you.

Keep this in mind.

The messages you broadcast have significant power over how your life goes. You can’t control everything that happens, but you can control what you put out there.

However you decide to approach it, know that working on yourself and becoming self-aware is the quickest and best route to change the outer circumstances of your life, especially your relationships.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by shapecharge, Courtesy of iStock Photo

A little friendly competition is stimulating and fun. It’s a form of play and can enhance a relationship. But you have to be careful because competition that has an edge to it or goes too far can be damaging. Regular competition in relationships, especially between partners, can threaten the relationship’s survival.

Today we’ll go through some of the most common ways people compete with their partners and offer strategies to turn it around. This information applies to any close relationship, including those between parent and child.

Let’s start with a quick description of what a healthy relationship looks like.

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

Intimate relationships are, by nature, collaborative, not competitive. They’re characterized by the following:

• Mutual care and consideration of the other’s well-being
• Acting as a team
• Empathy and support
• Celebrating each other’s achievements and accomplishments
• Being in each other’s corner
• Mutual respect
• Trust
• Two-way communication, listening, understanding, and honesty
• Being present for each other even when with other people

The bottom line is that you’re both on the same side and want each other’s happiness.

Characteristics of Competitive Relationships

These are some signs that you or your partner are competitive with each other.

1. Dismiss each other’s accomplishments and achievements.

Both parties may be guilty of this, or just one of you. You’re unable or unwilling to celebrate your partner’s accomplishments. He gets a promotion at work, and you either minimize, dismantle, withdraw from celebrating, or dismiss it as a non-event. You might also sing your own praises at your job and outline how you’ve succeeded and done more.

Sometimes this behavior is more subtle. You give lip service to the event, but your heart’s not in it, and you move away from the subject as soon as possible.

2. Need to be the bigger victim.

This is called “victim competition”. No matter what negative thing happens to the other, your experience is worse and takes precedence. It’s one-upping but of a specific type. You’ve got a worse story to tell. Your problems are more significant, more traumatic, and more intense. Your experiences trump those of your partner.

3. Compete for territory.

You don’t share space, you battle over it, and one person usually dominates. I’m using the term “space” loosely here. It can mean actual space, such as areas in your home, or it can mean needing to talk more than the other, having more attention, having the last word on rules, opinions, or choice of activities. You want the upper hand in deciding how things work and what you each do.

4. Focus on criticism.

You point out each other’s shortcomings regularly and exploit them. One’s up, and one’s down. You’re never on level ground.

5. Keep score.

You both keep score on what each of you does (or doesn’t do) and use it to criticize and punish. Who makes the most money, who has the best friends, who has the better job and standing at work, who does the most housework, etc. You compare skills that aren’t even comparable and can’t show appreciation for or celebrate each other’s contributions.

6. Fight to win, not to resolve problems.

There are no compromises. If one has to succumb to the other, it is with smoldering resentment. If you have kids, you might ensnare them in your battle while building your defenses along the border. You may encourage them to choose sides.

Why and How Couples Become Competitive

Those descriptions are the extremes, but if you find any of those describe to some degree your relationships – romantic or otherwise – consider whether any of these possible causes apply.

Developmental issues are triggered.

The closer, more intimate, and longer you’re with someone, the more early developmental issues are triggered. If you know someone from a distance, you may get their best presentation because you haven’t triggered anything that’s tied to early attachment models they have with their parents. But intimate relationships will trigger those issues, and they’ll begin to show up in their behavior toward you. The more intimate the relationship, the more they show up.

How often have you heard someone say,

“My husband (or wife) is super nice to all our friends. They all love him and think he’s wonderful. But that’s not how he is with me. I get his worst.”

That’s why sometimes couples are fine while dating, but things change once they’re married. The commitment causes those triggers to appear.

Insecurities surface.

If you have insecurities about who you are, your worth, or your ability to perform or achieve, you might try to overcome these feelings by denigrating your partner’s success. It’s not so much that you don’t admire your partner’s achievements; it’s more that they exacerbate your lack of confidence. You can’t help but compare yourself and come out on the losing end.

Behavior was modeled in your family of origin.

If you grew up in a family where your parents consistently competed with each other and were at odds much of the time, you’ve internalized that behavior model even if you strongly dislike it.

If you had a parent who competed directly with you, meaning they sabotaged your progress, didn’t show pleasure in your successes, or focused primarily on your deficits rather than your assets, you have been given a heavy dose of those behaviors and may automatically repeat them, even when you wish not to.

Great, so what do we do?

Step 1: Identify the patterns together.

This might be difficult, especially if resentment and distance have crept in. Even so, you can turn it around. Depending on how well you communicate, you can either seek counseling to help unravel it or try it on your own.

If both people can focus on identifying how and why they’re competing with the other, without a lot of recrimination on each person’s part, you can change the patterns.

This entails gaining empathy for each other. No one acts like this because they love it – unless they’re a sociopath or psychopath. Most people fall into it, and it continues until it’s the automatic response.

Start with yourself.

If you’re unsure how to communicate about it together, begin with yourself. Journal or write out the ways you contribute to the pattern. When and how are you competitive with your partner? Be brutally honest with yourself, but don’t beat yourself up.

Instead, carve out some small new behaviors you can exercise to turn it around. You could try listening with full attention when your partner tells you something good that happened to her and show interest. Withhold a negative comment you don’t need to make.

Use the list I gave you at the beginning that describes a healthy relationship. What behaviors can you incorporate to reflect those characteristics?

Step 2: Work on becoming a team.

Use this team idea any way you can. Appreciate each other’s contributions. What do you both bring to the relationship, home, finances, and kids? Whatever it is, appreciate every little act. If you both do that, you’ll close up the distance that’s grown between you.

Step 3: Get help.

If your history is holding you back and you can’t work through these patterns, see a counselor to help you work on your issues so that you become stronger and happier on your own. Get to the root of your insecurities, anger, victimization, or whatever holds you hostage.

Even if you ultimately leave a relationship because it’s become too toxic and is beyond repair, you still need to work through your patterns. Otherwise, you’ll repeat them in the next relationship and pick another toxic partner.

Relationships are a lot of work, but they’re worth it in the long run if you apply the effort.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by INDU BACHKHETI, Courtesy of iStock Photo

How do you stay engaged in activities that focus on what’s most important to you without getting sidetracked by all the “noise” that competes for your attention daily?

That’s what we’re tackling today. I’ve got a list of strategies to get and keep you there. I’m drawing from three authors, and as always, I recommend you read their books for more information and details. They are:

1. James Clear – Atomic Habits
2. Charles Duhigg – The Power of Habit
3. Greg McKeown – Essentialism & Effortless

Let’s get to it because it’s a lot to condense into 1300 words which is always my goal.

Design a routine.

Habits are the machinery that facilitates achievement.

Work gets done best when routinized, automated, and practiced consistently over time. To do this, you have to create habits.

The basic structure of any habit includes three parts (Duhigg). These are:

Cue – Routine – Reward

You set up a cue that triggers a behavior and then reward that behavior to instill it. My cue to write is to brew a cup of coffee and sit it on the table next to my writing chair, where I’ve placed my computer in the seat. The routine is to write for a specified time (usually an hour). My reward is crossing it off my list and checking Facebook for ten minutes.

In addition to setting up routines, several other strategies can help your habits stick.

1. Do the most challenging things first.
2. Build one routine at a time and make sure it’s automated, which means you don’t resist doing it anymore for the most part.
3. For more complex habits, set up different routines for different days. I don’t write every day. I write three days and record course lessons two. Change it up!
4. Build habit stacks.

Habit stacks string three to four habits together, each serving as a cue to the next. These work very well because you get a lot done at once. The key is to make the first habit easy and something you have no resistance to. For more on how to build habit stacks, read this article.

That’s how you create habits, but how do you deal with your resistance? That’s the key. Here are some great ideas from our esteemed authors.

1. Start small.

James Clear uses the strategy of making a 1% improvement every day. The idea is that doing something consistently daily (a habit) has “compound” effects, just like money in a savings account that accrues interest daily. It becomes more embedded in your brain and more automated. Each time you execute your habit, you get greater gain.

Small steps executed consistently build momentum. If I write for 15 minutes every day, it becomes easier and more attractive, so I want to continue it and get better at it. This is how all habits take hold, both good and bad, which is something to keep in mind.

2. Make it simple.

McKeown’s strategy, which I think is brilliant, is to execute what he calls “minimal viable progress.” Ask yourself, “What is the minimal action I can take to begin moving toward my goal?” Do the least preparation needed to get going, complete the action, and follow up with a reward.

If the goal is to exercise daily, walk 10 minutes and then reward yourself with a yummy healthy snack. Minimal preparation is putting on walking shoes and socks.

3. Remove obstacles.

Equally important is recognizing the obstacles that get in the way of executing your habits.

Before you start your new habit, list all the things that could obstruct your progress. Of these:

Which one is the leader – the one that unleashes all the other ones when it sets up a roadblock? If you can get that lead obstacle out of the way, the others won’t have much power.

These obstacles can come from the outside, such as other people who impose on you and use up your time, in which case you need to get good at setting boundaries.

They can also be your thoughts, emotions, and competing habits. Examine your repetitive self-talk, ingrained emotional reactions, and sneaky ways you avoid doing things that require some mental exertion. Scrolling Facebook, turning on the TV to watch just one episode of your favorite series, telling yourself you’ll start again tomorrow, feeling moody, giving those negative thoughts about your ability to succeed a front-row seat. All of these are obstacles to your success.

Which one is most obtrusive? Which one holds you back the most? If you can identify it, you can make a plan to outwit or challenge it.

My favorite for all obstacles is to use the “minimal viable product.” It works even when you’re depressed or feeling inadequate. Tell yourself, “If I do my work for just 15 minutes, I can reward myself with 15 minutes of something else.” Then do it again and again. The product, in this case, is 15 minutes of whatever activity you choose – maybe four paragraphs written in my case. Do what works for you.

4. Build in buffer space.

This one comes from Greg McKeown. Very simply, it means allowing for the unexpected. McKeown advises adding 50% more time to every plan you make. That’s a lot! But just imagine how relieving it would be to have that time if you needed it so you didn’t feel derailed by something popping up. Better yet, you’re ahead of the game if you don’t need it!

Secondly, avoid “deadline performance,” – doing a report the day before it’s due, writing a paper all night before you need to turn it in, driving to the airport to catch a flight with not a minute extra assuming everything will go right.

Don’t wait until the last minute to tackle something that needs time and thought.

Instead, use what McKeown calls “scenario planning.” Assess the possibilities, impacts, and risks of what you want to do, and plan how to avoid them. That means doing your work ahead of time.

Make a to-do list, schedule every task on your calendar, and allow extra time in case something gets in the way.

5. Track and review.

This one’s mine and one I live by. No system remains productive if you don’t track and tweak your progress when necessary. One of the routines you’ll need to set up is regularly reviewing your process and making changes based on your evaluation.

I won’t go into this one in detail because I’ve already written a blog on how to do this, which you can access here. Just suffice it to say that a weekly review can set you up for success and keep your “why” in the front of your mind so you stay motivated and focused on your overall purpose and goals.

An Important Factor

This insight comes from James Clear. Specifically, he points out that habits stick because they’ve become part of your identity. They’re not just something you perform but something embedded in your sense of self. They’re extensions of who you are.

This makes perfect sense when your activities and behavior reflect your overall sense of purpose and values. Being on time means you see yourself as a dependable person. Meditating every morning represents your love of peace or your spiritual values. Keeping your home decluttered might indicate you value simplicity, organization, and space.

When setting up your habits and routines, think about them in terms of what parts of you they reflect. This examination will make it easier for you to stick with them.

Last Note

This blog finishes our three-week foray into clarifying your purpose and essential goals, and how to execute them. I hope you enjoyed it! Next week we’ll tackle an important relationship issue.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Last week we talked about the right mindset to pursue your goals – work, relationships, and self-improvement goals. And I encouraged you to adopt the growth mindset over the fixed mindset.

This week we’re focusing on how to narrow your focus on what’s most important to you and get clear on how you want to use your time, energy, and effort to accomplish your goals. This means whittling down to the essential aims and activities to fulfill your purpose.

To do this, I’m borrowing from Greg McKeown, who wrote the book  Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less , and highlighting some of his very effective strategies.

But first, let’s start with a quick list of ideas and beliefs that Essentialists use to keep themselves from spreading too thin. Here they are.

An Essentialist:

• Has a clarity of purpose that guides all other decisions.
• Prioritizes time, energy, and activities to make the highest contribution.
• Lives by design consciously and proactively.
• Embraces the motto “Less but better.”
• Knows how to discriminate between what’s essential and what’s not.
• Understands that we can’t have or do it all.
• Takes the time and mental space to discern what matters most before acting.
• Knows how to prioritize and eliminate nonessential activities that get in the way.

To sum it up, Essentialists have singular focus and drive aligned with a clear purpose, and remove all extraneous nonessential activities that distract, sap energy, burn up time, and prevent accomplishment.

There are two ways Essentialists activate these ideas and beliefs:

1. Applying Essentialist principles to long-term goals and objectives.
2. Applying Essentialist principles to everyday choices and decisions about what activities to engage in and what to forego or eliminate.

Here’s how an Essentialist narrows down to what’s most important.

1. Clarify your purpose.

To figure this out, McKeown recommends asking yourself these three questions:

1. What do I feel deeply inspired by?
2. What am I particularly talented at?
3. What meets a significant need in the world?

Using these questions, let your mind roam and spend some time and space allowing your answers to come up. You likely have multiple talents, are inspired by many things, and can tie these to more than one specific need.

If you’re further along in life, you’re already on a track and have likely put a lot of time into it, but you can still benefit by clarifying your purpose and making changes in your course if that will bring you closer to what you want to do.

The purpose of this exercise is to define your “why” and “what.”

I’ll use myself as an example to help you see how this works.

My talents, according to the StrengthsFinder assessment in order, are “strategic, learner, connectedness, futuristic, and intellection.” And on the Enneagram – “helper.” Skills I have and enjoy are writing, teaching, and problem-solving.

I’m inspired by coming up with strategies people can use to solve problems – psychological and life problems specifically. I like to synthesize information and condense it into the most essential and usable insights.

Based on my work as a psychotherapist, people need to access quality information that pertains to everyday problems, which is easy to assimilate, takes little time to access, and is readily available.

The purpose is to fulfill that need using my talents.

Let’s keep going.

2. Eliminate.

Once you’re clear on your purpose, the second step is to narrow down your activities and pursuits to facilitate that purpose best. To do this, less is better.

Warren Buffet recommends that you pick one thing and practice it until you do it really well. That’s the idea to use here.

Back to my dilemma when thinking about how to fulfill my purpose, I came up with several activities that would do the job: write a blog, write a book, do a podcast, open a YouTube channel to do weekly videos, and provide online courses. I could also continue to offer individual psychotherapy.

You see the problem, right? If I do all of those, I won’t do anything well and likely won’t continue. But, by narrowing down and focusing on one or two activities, I’m more likely to succeed. So I chose to do a weekly blog as the primary activity and create an online course as a secondary activity. That’s it. I wanted to do the other things too, but I chose what I thought I could best do that would fulfill the need.

There are often many good opportunities that come your way that you would love to take advantage of and do, but if you do everything, you’ll do nothing.

You have to make trade-offs and choose those that truly align with the purpose you’ve set out. You may change your purpose or tweak it as you go, but you must stay singular in your focus.

The 90% Rule

Greg McKeown proposes the 90% rule to go through the elimination process effectively. Here’s how to do it:

Line up all those activities or opportunities you would like to pursue and rate them on a scale of 1 to 10, with ten being the best. Anything that doesn’t rate 9 or 10 drops down to zero.

In other words, you should eliminate anything that doesn’t rate at least 90%. That doesn’t mean you might not return to it later, but for now, it’s off the table.

Once you go through this process and are clear on your purpose and the few activities you need to focus on to bring it to life, stick to it.

By removing all the other choices, you free up time, literally and figuratively. You create mental space and have more energy available to devote to one thing. I chose two, but I don’t do them simultaneously. I’ll get five weeks ahead on blogs and use that five weeks to work on the course. That way, my attention is always focused rather than split.

You likely have multiple purposes, which is fine so long as you make room only for activities that take you toward your primary goals.

Being a good parent may be your purpose, or maybe participating in a nonprofit for a cause you believe in. The key is to make sure you can offer adequate attention and focus to what you want to accomplish, and remove the noise that interferes.

You can’t do it all. That’s the truth.

How to Use This Idea Daily

Every day you have choices to make about how to invest your time. You can wash your car or spend an hour talking to your kids. Or maybe sit on the couch and scroll through social media or clean out your inbox of bills and papers that need sorting and prioritizing.

Maybe you need downtime and decide to take a leisurely stroll and let your mind wander instead of working overtime on a project.

What’s most important? This hour, this day, this week, this month, this year. And how does what you do fit into your values and purpose?

Essentialists take those questions seriously and make time for what they most value. That includes leisure, sleep, and time to let your imagination run, in addition to scheduled work.

What’s Next?

Between last week’s and today’s blog, we’ve covered (1) how to approach your work and personal development from a growth mindset that allows you to pursue goals without self-defeating beliefs, and (2)  how to clarify what’s most important to you and what it takes to pursue that.

Next week I’ll review how to create a system to execute your goals.

In the meantime, if you like to read, I would suggest getting a copy of  Essentialism , even if you don’t read it straight through. It’s the kind of book that serves as a reference you read and reread over time.

That’s all for today.

Hope you have a great week, as always!

All my best,

Barbara

A book that changed my view of work, success, and intelligence when I first read it is  Mindset: The New Psychology of Success  by Carol Dweck.

Having a natural tendency toward perfectionism and learning to equate self-esteem with performance and achievement growing up, I recognized the “fixed mindset” to be alive and well in my psyche.

Luckily, after using the concepts in this book, I now embrace the “growth mindset” and am happy to say it’s a whole new world that’s much more enjoyable and productive.

Our Western culture tends toward the “fixed mindset” due to the heavy focus on performance, outcomes, and success. We like to see ourselves as winners. The only problem is that if we’re not winners, we fall to the bottom of the pack and see ourselves as losers. It’s an all-or-nothing mindset, and it’s the cause of a lot of emotional angst and depression.

Fortunately, the “growth mindset” is the antidote and oasis in the desert of perfectionism that I think you’ll love if you don’t already know about it.

Today I’m giving you a sketch of the two mindsets. This blog will be the first of three that provide a blueprint you can use to approach your work and goals while enhancing your personal growth and development at the same time.

Let’s start with some definitions. I’ll use the initials FM and GM throughout to make it easy.

Five Differences Between the Fixed and Growth Mindsets

1. Intelligence

FM sees intelligence, talent, and abilities as “fixed.” You either have it, or you don’t. You were born with it, and it can’t be changed or altered. You’re a genius, or you’re not.

GM views intelligence, talents, and abilities as malleable. You can alter, enhance, increase, and improve them with effort.

People do have inborn talents and proclivities, but without effort, they may never be expressed fully or tapped into. In contrast, someone with less inborn talent in a particular area may surpass the performance of someone with more natural talent through consistent effort, practice, and attendance.

Michael Jordan is a good example. People view him as having extraordinary talent, which he does, but he didn’t begin that way. It was through relentless hours of deliberate practice and improvement that he became the basketball virtuoso we all know.

2. Effort & Learning

FM sees effort as unfavorable because it means you’re not smart or talented. If you have to try, you don’t have it. You aren’t good enough. Instead of seeking to learn, you opt out of activities you can’t easily excel in.

GM embraces and values learning because it facilitates growth and improvement. Learning and effort help you reach your potential and are ongoing. After you reach one goal, you take on another. It’s a never-ending process of unfolding and redefining, and a source of pleasure and delight.

3. Failure & Setbacks

FM sees failure as an endpoint. If you fail or have a setback, you are the failure. As a result, you stick to activities you can do and do well. You lose interest in activities that challenge you and require more than one try because failing would topple your sense of self.

GM loves challenges. You see setbacks and failures as learning experiences and enjoy the challenge of figuring out what you need to do differently. You’re open to constructive criticism, being wrong, pivoting when new information is acquired, and considering new ideas that will result in growth and exploring your potential. Setbacks are stepping stones, not a measure of who you are.

4. Performance

FM is all about outcomes. You’re either a success or a failure, and everything that gets you there doesn’t matter—only the end result matters. The focus is on “perfect” performance. Every time. You have to prove yourself repeatedly.

It’s very anxiety-producing to need to stay on the pedestal. It’s as though you’re sitting on a platform surrounded by sharks in the water, and every move you make either keeps you on top or throws you to the sharks.

GM is about process. Process seeks to develop by embracing systems, setbacks, learning, and continued redefining of goals based on experience and analysis.

Outcomes are signposts along the way to let you know how you’re doing, but they have no finality. After you reach one signpost, you begin working toward the next. The process is itself rewarding because the mission is growth.

5. Self-Esteem

FM is excessively focused on maintaining self-esteem, and self-esteem is defined by performance.

You’re either good or bad, worthy or unworthy, a success or a failure. You need to be better than others to feel valuable.

You edge toward superiority and sometimes entitlement. Your method is competition and comparison, win-lose, up-down. When you fail, you either blame others or circumstances and look to compare yourself with those you see as inferior to you. You need to be perceived as “special” to feel okay.

GM is focused on continuing self-development. Self-esteem doesn’t fluctuate due to mistakes, setbacks, or failures. When experiencing an emotional slump, you seek more challenges to energize yourself and work through obstacles. You take action to confront problems and carry on with determination.

The emphasis on process rather than outcomes shows up in continued effort – not that outcomes aren’t important, but they aren’t the basis of self-esteem or self-image.

Self-esteem comes from living one’s values and pursuing growth.

The Subtle Difference

The subtle yet profound difference between the growth and fixed mindset is that with the fixed mindset, you are your performance, and your sense of self isn’t separate from that.

With the growth mindset, you’re more than your performance. You’re a work in progress. And a part of you stands outside what you do and looks on.

Your self-awareness and sense of “being”
is your core self.

It’s like standing back and being the director of how you develop. You witness it while participating in it. You’re both a part of the developing process and separate from it simultaneously.

With the fixed mindset, you’re merged in your performance and have no real sense of self outside of it.

How to Use This Material

First, let me encourage you again to read Dr. Dweck’s book, and I’ve also attached a PDF Chart to see the differences between the two mindsets more succinctly.

Second, if you find yourself leaning more toward the fixed mindset, try making some changes as you go through each day. I’d do this in three parts:

1. Watch your thoughts and attitudes to recognize how often you tie your sense of value and worthiness to performance and outcomes. A journal would be beneficial for going through this process.
2. Next, think about how you deal with obstacles, mistakes, and setbacks. Do you become paralyzed by them? Or do you see them as challenges to take on and enjoy solving? You might be somewhere in between.
3. Are you perfectionistic? Striving toward excellence and even toward an ideal is not a problem. The problem is basing your sense of self on being perfect in everything you do. That’s not possible and is an illusionary pursuit.

Once you’ve gone through these three exercises, you should know how steeped you are in the fixed mindset and see where you need to begin thinking differently.

This will set you up for next week’s blog, which will focus on defining what’s most important to you, and how to spend your time and effort on that while letting go of pursuits that are scarfing up your time and energy.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Prostock-Studio, Courtesy of iStock Photo

What do you visualize when you think of an extrovert? How about the life of the party, or someone who can talk to anyone, or someone who’s warm and enthusiastic and socially adept?

All of those descriptions are valid and span many of the characteristics of extroverts.

Last week I covered introverts, and today we’re going to explore what it means to be an extrovert.

Let’s start with how extroverts draw their energy.

What energizes an extrovert?

Extroverts draw their energy by spending time with people.

No matter what type of extrovert you are, interaction with others is central to your existence.

You turn to other people to energize, recharge, and relax, even when feeling depleted.

Moreover, most extroverts have limitations on how much time they can spend alone and often feel isolated when they do. They thrive in high-energy environments with lots of people, activity, interaction, and even some chaos thrown in. A sports stadium full of fans hooting and hollering is home to an extrovert.

Signs You Might Be An Extrovert

Not all of these apply to everyone, but most extroverts will resonate with the majority of them. Extroverts:

• Love to talk.
• Like being the center of attention.
• Are inspired and energized by socializing.
• Like to talk about their thoughts and feelings.
• Discuss problems rather than internalize them.
• Look to others and outside sources for ideas and inspiration.
• Have numerous broad interests.
• Tend to act first before thinking.
• Are friendly, approachable, and outgoing.
• Are open.
• Enjoy working with groups.

Differences in the Brain

Three differences in an extrovert’s brain explain their need for higher levels of stimulation than that of an introvert. Here they are.

1. Arousal

Extroverts have a low set point for arousal. This means that they require more stimulation to be aroused (excited, energized, awakened) than do introverts.

2. Preference for a Different Side of the Nervous System

Extroverts prefer the sympathetic side of the nervous system as opposed to the parasympathetic side. The sympathetic system acts like a motor revving up your engine, making it ready for action.

When this system is triggered, adrenaline’s released, and your muscles are energized, making you more alert. At the same time, the areas in your brain associated with prudent, careful thinking are turned off.

This is sometimes one of the downsides of being an extrovert because it can lead to impulsive behavior without consideration of consequences.

3. The Dopamine Difference

We’re all familiar with dopamine and its activation of feelings of pleasure in our brains when stimulated. You get that little jolt of dopamine when you look at your phone to see if you have any new messages.

This is called the “dopamine reward network,” and this network is more active in an extrovert’s brain.

When an extrovert anticipates doing something that will provide an emotional reward, like buying a new car, going to a party, or getting a job promotion, they get a “buzz,” or rush of pleasurable feelings.

They like to keep that buzz going and pursue activities to facilitate that.

4 Types of Extroverts

This typology comes from the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. If you’ve never taken this test, you might enjoy doing so. It gives you much information about different aspects of your temperament and personality.

1. Sensing (ES) – Sensory-Oriented Extrovert

The “sensing” extrovert seeks novelty and experiences in their immediate physical environment. They enjoy sights, sounds, smells, textures, and tastes. They thrive on doing something on the fly with a sensory appeal, like trying out a new restaurant, going to a concert or sports event, or embarking on a cruise.

They’re spontaneous and fun-loving and can make decisions quickly, but they don’t always consider past mistakes or history and can get too wrapped up in the moment.

2. Feeling (EF) – People-Oriented Extrovert

These extroverts are warm and empathetic and thrive on connection and social interaction. They’re tuned into the feelings and needs of people around them and enjoy making others feel comfortable and happy. As such, they’re great hosts and good at ironing out conflicts.

EFs love to be helpful and are excellent conversationalists. They’re people pleasers.

3. Intuitive (EN) – Futuristic Extrovert

The intuitive extrovert’s primary drive is “possibility.” These extroverts love abstract ideas and what-ifs. They’re curious and enjoy talking, brainstorming, imagining, learning, debating, and exploring hypotheticals.

Their downside is that they may be indecisive, restless, and short on attention span. They have difficulty committing to a single course of action.

4. Thinking (ET) – Thinking Extrovert

Thinking extroverts are natural leaders, shakers, and movers. They’re confident, goal-oriented, decisive, and derive value and status from interaction with others. They like structure, organization, and achievement, and gain energy from pursuing and stretching themselves toward lofty goals and dreams.

They’re driven by challenge and enjoy creating and working with teams and groups to achieve something.

Some ETs are viewed as domineering and aggressive, which is true in the case of an extrovert who’s narcissistic. But others are collaborative and excel at teamwork. They’re good at inspiring others to be and do their best and to reach for more.

Extrovert Strengths

Extroverts, just like introverts, have many strengths. Undoubtedly, our culture has a bias toward extroversion, and these strengths are part of the equation creating that bias. Here they are.

1. Extroverts lean towards optimism.

They generally have a sunny disposition and approach things positively, with an optimistic view of the future. They see possibility and have a can-do attitude. Because of their orientation toward rewards, they strive for happiness and spend energy pursuing and exuding it.

2. Can function in chaos.

Extroverts can operate in atmospheres with high sensory output and activity levels.

Consider office settings for a moment:

The introvert would prefer a private office with a door that closes, but an extrovert would flourish in an open-space setting with many desks throughout, maybe some of which are grouped but not walled off.

Extroverts would enjoy conversing and exchanging ideas in a setting like this, whereas introverts would find it distracting and overwhelming.

3. Adapt to change.

Extroverts are more comfortable with change than introverts because they’re naturally attracted to novelty. They like new situations and ideas and feel energized by a change in gears in anticipation of possible rewards.

4. Have high levels of enthusiasm.

Extroverts are known for their enthusiasm. One of the ways this manifests is in their ability to inspire others to take action, see the positive sides of something, or consider new ideas. Extroverts are excellent at giving pep talks and encouraging others to pursue their goals and dreams.

5. They’re good communicators.

Because of their desire to interact with people, they enjoy communicating. Talking is their fuel. They’re generally good communicators and negotiators.

Extroverts are superlative networkers who thrive in conferences, meet and greets, expos, and group chats. They can socialize with anyone and make others feel comfortable.

How do I know if I’m an extrovert?

If you resonated with what you read today, you likely are an extrovert. However, you can also take personality tests to find out. Last week I gave you a link to a free quiz you can try. If you want to delve deeper into it, you can take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. It’s not cheap ($49.95). Here’s the link for that.

I’ll finish with a short list of famous extroverts:

Bill Clinton, Margaret Thatcher, Steve Jobs, Winston Churchill, Muhammad Ali, George Bush, Jerry Seinfeld, Tom Hanks, Paul McCartney, Dolly Parton, Mark Cuban, Bob Hope, and John Goodman.

That’s all for today!

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by ILIA KALINKIN, Courtesy of iStock Photo

If you’ve ever taken the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), you’re familiar with some differences between introverts and extroverts. And you know which category you fall under.

You also likely know there’s a continuum from very introverted to very extroverted, and you may fall somewhere on that line. Some people are right over the center of the continuum on one side or the other.

Although you may move along the continuum as you age and have more life experiences, it’s usually believed that whichever type you are, you are for life.

Today we’ll talk about introverts and how to know if you are one. Next week we’ll do the same for extroverts.

Let’s start with a significant difference between the two.

How Introverts Draw Their Energy

A primary difference between introverts and extroverts is the way they draw in energy.

Introverts do this by having time alone in a quiet atmosphere with no demands to talk or interact with someone.

They can be very social, particularly with people they know well, but after a certain amount of time and interaction, they feel drained and need alone time to recharge.

Extroverts are the opposite. They draw energy from interacting with others and need external stimulation to energize. We’ll talk about that more next week.

Other Signs That You’re An Introvert

Here’s a list of possible signs. You may resonate with all or most of them.

• You have a small group of close friends and enjoy deep conversations with them.
• Small talk with new people drains you. You may have learned how to do it but prefer not to if possible.
• You enjoy solitude and the internal meanderings of your mind.
• You’re very self-aware.
• Too much stimulation wears you out and distracts you. If you’re also highly sensitive, which many introverts are, you don’t like loud noise, violent movies, or sensory overload.
• You like to work independently. You can work in groups, but you prefer to prepare ahead of time before interacting. That might include studying alone, researching before a brainstorming session, or secluding yourself when you have a task to complete.
• You learn by observing first and then doing.
• It takes people more time to get to know you.

A Note About Stimulation

Our brains have a network of neurons called the Reticular Activating System (RAS) located in the brainstem. It’s tuned to incoming sensory stimulation and streamlines what and how much we are aware of, thereby regulating our levels of arousal and alertness.

A psychologist, Hans Eysenck, believed that people have a “set point” for arousal levels when stimulated. Following his theory, extroverts have a low set point, meaning they need higher levels of stimulation to be aroused. And as you can guess, introverts have a high set point meaning they’re easily aroused. It takes less to overstimulate them, which is why extended interaction wears them out.

Highly Sensitive Introverts

Some introverts have even a higher set point than the average. These are people who fall into the “highly sensitive” group. Highly sensitive people can quickly become overwhelmed by things like loud noises, violent movie or TV content, arguments, crowds, and sometimes their thoughts and feelings.

You need more solitude and downtime if you’re both introverted and highly sensitive.

Let’s leave that for a minute and talk briefly about different types of introverts.

4 Types of Introverts

Although introverts have commonalities across the board, there are four distinct types, although these may overlap.

1. Social Introvert. This is the type most people think of when they hear the term “introvert.” This person prefers being alone to socializing, although they can do it. They just get drained and need recharging time afterward. They enjoy social time with close friends or family but don’t enjoy large parties or crowds.
2. Thinking Introvert. Thinking introverts spend a significant amount of time in their minds. They love to evaluate and analyze. They can spend hours imagining and creating fantasy worlds and situations, although not necessarily as a means of escape but as an exercise in creativity. You might describe them as deep thinkers, dreamers, or creators.
3. Anxious Introvert. Like social introverts, anxious introverts also don’t enjoy socializing, but the reasons differ. They feel awkward and self-conscious and worry about how other people see them, whereas social introverts simply prefer to be alone. Anxious introverts can get caught up in worrying about how they acted in previous situations and be fearful about future events and how they might behave and be perceived. They fret.
4. Restrained Introvert. These are the people that take extra time to get to know. They warm up slowly. They’re often reserved yet conversant and interactive after getting to know them. They like to sit on the sidelines and observe before jumping in. They think before they act and take time to make important decisions.

Now let’s move on to strengths.

The Introvert’s Strengths

Introverts sometimes get a bad rap because they’re quieter, yet they have some awesome assets. Here’s a short list.

1. They think more.

Several studies have found that introverts have more gray matter in the frontal lobe areas of the brain where rational thinking takes place. This doesn’t mean they’re more intelligent than extroverts, but they enjoy meandering in their minds and engaging in thoughts and ideas.

2. They enjoy single-minded focus.

Introverts naturally like to focus in on a single idea. They’re capable of “deliberate practice,” a system of mastering a skill through repetitive practice and incremental improvements. They’re also “reflective and evaluative,” which allows them to monitor their progress.

3. They’re often gifted.

Introverts are often gifted in a specific field. They like to go deep. They take pleasure in focused, concerted efforts to learn one thing super well rather than a smattering of things not so well.

4. Introverts are more likely to do the right thing.

Because they’re not tuned into immediate rewards and can delay gratification, they don’t tend to act impulsively. They consider consequences and hypotheticals before taking action.

5. They take time to process information and make decisions.

Introverts like full pictures. They’re curious and like to give free rein to their imagination, sift through memories, and plan for the future. When confronted with a problem or new situation, they need time to make connections with previous information that might pertain to the current issue.

As a result, they’re good problem solvers because they can step back and objectively investigate. They stay cool when others are reactive and use their intellect and intuition to decide how to act. They can “see and act on warning signs.”

Introverts and Shyness

Shyness and introversion are different, although the terms are often interchanged. Introversion is a personality type, and shyness is a feeling.

Shy people feel awkwardness and discomfort in social situations, but the cause is anxiety rather than disliking having to “be on” around new people or social demands. Introverts don’t seek out novelty. They like routine, sameness, and consistency.

How do I know which one I am?

If you’ve never taken a test to see, you can try this one offered on IntrovertDear.com. It’s free!

Just for fun, here are some famous introverts: Albert Einstein, Warren Buffet, J. K. Rowling, Meryl Streep, Bill Gates, Eleanor Roosevelt, Steven Spielberg, Rosa Parks, Abraham Lincoln, Michael Jordon, Sir Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, Mahatma Gandhi, and Dr. Seuss.

There are many more you can look up if you’re interested.

Now extroverts, we’ll describe you next week and offer some resources you may like!

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

P. S. Suggested reading:  Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

Photo by SchulteProductions, Courtesy of iStock Photos

I was on Facebook this morning to post something, and against my better judgment, I scrolled a little and looked at comments people were making to some posts of interest. I was stunned at the incivility and harshness of some of the comments, although not surprised.

Regardless of the subject, there were no constraints on how people talked to each other in response to something they either didn’t like or didn’t agree with. Unfortunately, this is not a trend exclusive to social media – it seems to be on the rise in general.

That brings me to today’s subject, which is this:

There’s no redeeming value in harshness, whether in word or deed.

Let’s jump right in.

Emotional Discharge

There’s a term I learned about in graduate school called affectomotor discharge. It comes from psychoanalytic theory, but in a nutshell, it’s a descriptor for a full-fledged toddler tantrum. Its whole purpose is to discharge emotions. It means spewing out intense emotions without the benefit of having your thinking brain on board.

Although that’s normal for toddlers because emotional discharge is part of their developmental phase, and they don’t have the cognition to be self-aware, it’s not okay for adults!

Moreover, affectomotor discharge is not a healthy means of dealing with emotions, yet I see it everywhere. It seems to have become popular and acceptable in media and, unfortunately, in everyday interactions.

Here’s why it’s not healthy.

Unbridled emotional discharge doesn’t allow you to work through your feelings and use them. You get temporary relief, and then they’re back.

It’s a popular myth that if you discharge your negative emotions, they’ll be gone, you’ll feel better, and problems will resolve themselves. That’s not true. Expressing negative emotions correctly can help you gain insight or solve problems. But just discharging them willy-nilly won’t do the job.

In fact, when people express anger by fully engaging in it with no control or effort to monitor the expression, the feeling escalates.

Expressing negative emotions productively, especially anger, requires two processes going on simultaneously:

1. Verbalizing the feeling without attacking.
2. Mindfully watching the process so you can monitor how you’re expressing it.

You can feel something, verbalize it, and mindfully keep your thinking brain on board to watch the process and guide it as you engage in it. This capacity to feel something and maintain self-awareness simultaneously is what makes us human. When we don’t do that, we regress down to lower phases of development – like a two-year-old having a tantrum.

The second reason affectomotor discharge isn’t healthy for an adult is that it’s not productive and, in most cases, is damaging both to the person doing it and the person on the receiving end.

Let’s think about it from a different vantage point.

What’s the purpose of communication?

I come up with five purposes. They are to:

1. Inform
2. Problem-solve
3. Influence
4. Express feelings
5. Facilitate the interchange of ideas and opinions

If you think of all the various ways you communicate, most of them will fall under one of these categories and sometimes span several at once.

Okay, so categories give us a way to look at it, but what makes communication productive? Two elements are necessary. They are:

1. Creating understanding
2. Making a connection

The real intent of any healthy communication is to create understanding between the speaker and receiver.

That doesn’t mean you have to agree on something, but rather that you understand what the other person is saying, feeling, thinking, and needing you to hear. You can do all of that without agreeing with the content.

It’s also essential for the speaker to know that you understand.

In other words, you listen to get what the other person says and then let them know you got it. You might do that by repeating it back or asking questions to clarify. Doing that shows interest and respect for someone’s right to speak and communicate what’s on their mind.

Secondly, when you take the time to understand fully what you’ve heard, and especially what the speaker feels, you create a connection between the two of you.

This happens even when the topic is complex or contentious.

What to Do and Not Do

To facilitate this process, there are do’s and don’ts.

The dos are:

• Treat the other person with respect regardless of the subject matter. You can do this even when you strongly disagree.
• Go for the feeling. How is the person feeling about what he’s saying? By empathizing, you make that all-important connection.
• Figure out what the intent of the conversation is. What does the speaker want? You can tell pretty quickly if someone’s trying to provoke or engage you in an argument. In that case, you can call them on it or opt out. You could say, “Seems like you’re looking for a fight. Yes?” They’ll either back off and be more conciliatory or try harder to provoke you, at which point you can opt out.
• Always maintain your self-respect and keep your emotions in check. Be self-aware of your demeanor as you speak.

The don’ts are:

• No bullying, one-upping, or personal attacking.
• Own your feelings, and don’t blame them on the other person, even if you’re provoked. You’re in charge of how you react.
• Express interest in the other person’s point of view and do your best to understand through their lens.
• Avoid conversations with someone who’s looking for a fight.
• Make “I” statements, not “you” statements.
• Listen first, then respond.

Other Strategies You Can Use

1. Keep conversations civil.

You can maintain civility while expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs. You never need to be harsh. You can be firm without being offensive. Firmness accompanied by respect is far more productive than personal affront. The latter brings on defense and sets up a win-lose situation where nobody actually wins.

2. Opt out.

Secondly, avoid conversations where the other person’s primary intent is to create conflict, provoke you, or launch a personal attack. There’s absolutely no point in entering into conversations with these agendas. You’ll know this is happening when:

• There’s a full-on personal attack.
• The words don’t match the feeling underneath. The person says one thing, but you feel something else coming from them. There’s an ulterior motive or a set-up.
• There’s no room for open discussion. The other person can only see what they think and will hear nothing else.

3. Set rules.

When you have difficult conversations in your relationships that lead to intensive emotional discharge, you might consider setting some ground rules that everyone can follow to prevent things from getting out of hand. I’ve listed a few previous blogs at the end of the page you can read that will help you do that.

4. Decide how you want to behave.

One way to ensure you don’t fall into affectomotor discharge yourself is to set up ground rules you can follow regardless of what anybody else does.

Don’t let someone inflame or provoke you into behaving in a way you don’t wish to. Align your style of communication with your values and stick to it.

That requires self-discipline. You can always take a break during a conversation when you feel you can’t control your emotions. That’s acceptable and preferable to saying and doing things you disapprove of. Taking a break is not the same as avoidance, as long as you revisit the issue when you’re calmer and ready to resume it.

Full Circle

We’re back to where we started, which is:

There’s no redeeming value in harshness, whether in word or deed.

Don’t be pulled into foolish affectomotor discharge. It might give you satisfaction for a moment, but it will hurt you in the long run.

That’s all for today.

I hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Other articles to read:

7 Tips to Improve Your Communication Skills 
 How to Be Heard When You Talk 
 When You Should Cut Your Losses and Step Out of a Conversation

Photo by marekuliasz, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Let’s start with a quote that will introduce today’s subject:

“Men of genius are admired, men of wealth are envied, men of power are feared: but only men of character are trusted.” ~ Alfred Adler

Having good character and seeing it as part of your identity broadcasts to others that you’re trustworthy and reliable and will honor each person’s worthiness by treating them with care and integrity.

Today I’m giving you a list of ten traits that comprise good character and showing you how you can cultivate them.

What exactly is “character”?

Character comprises the core values, beliefs, and moral principles upon which you live your life. It’s an internal identity structure that guides your interactions with others and your behavior in general.

You might define it as “doing the right thing,” even when no one else is looking. It’s a descriptor of who you are.

Here’s our list of ten traits that represent good character.

10 Good Character Traits

1. Integrity

Integrity means you have defined and internalized your core values and principles and live by them. People can count on you to behave in a consistent manner regardless of circumstances.

2. Honesty

You’re straightforward, trustworthy, and will say the same thing in multiple settings and to different people. Your self-presentation is authentic, consistent, and genuine. You’re faithful and loyal to those you love. You protect the privacy of intimate knowledge and guard the sanctity of your close relationships. Your approach to others is sincere and open.

3. Responsibility

You take responsibility for your circumstances, behavior, and actions. People can rely on you to live up to your obligations and commitments. You hold yourself accountable for what you’ve promised and how you act, and follow through with what you say you will do. You don’t blame others when things don’t go right, and you take action to amend and repair mistakes.

4. Compassion

You can empathize and treat others with kindness, consideration, and generosity. Your conscience is well-developed, and you do your best to bring no harm to anyone. You feel guilty when causing someone pain. And when someone needs help, you do your best to come to their aid and support. When others mistreat you, you extend forgiveness even if you must set necessary boundaries to preserve your values and principles. You freely give of yourself without expecting something in return.

5. Respectfulness

You treat everyone with respect and civility based on your belief in our common humanity and every person’s value and worth. You extend kindness and politeness in your interactions with others and preserve each person’s dignity despite their imperfections.

6. Self-Discipline

You maintain self-discipline in pursuing your goals, have a strong work ethic, honor commitments, and show up in your relationships. You can delay gratification, manage your emotions, and execute a well-thought-out plan.

7. Conscientiousness

You like to live up to your highest potential and do things well. Not only are you thoughtful, efficient, organized, dedicated, and diligent in your efforts, you align your activities with your core values to benefit all concerned, not just yourself. You want to do your best and do what’s right. You consistently work on self-improvement.

8. Humility

Although you recognize your worth and have confidence in your abilities, you also know that you’re a student of life and will never stop learning or growing. You’re humbled by the vastness of untapped knowledge and your place in humanity. You don’t see yourself as better than others, regardless of differences in stages of development.

9. Courageousness

You’re determined to face and overcome obstacles to reaching goals that fulfill your purpose and provide meaning, including confronting personal flaws and areas that need improvement. You have the courage to work through discomfort or pain when moving toward a goal.

10. Fairness

When deciding or choosing a course of action, you consider the impact on those involved. You weigh the fairness of any proposed action and are thoughtful and empathetic in your deliberations. You’re open to different opinions and ideas and can objectively view them before moving forward. You choose the option that will provide the most benefit for all while reflecting core values and principles.

How to Improve Your Character

You checked all those boxes, right?

I’m funning, but my guess is that we all probably score high on some of those traits and need work on others.

Wherever you think you are, here’s a 4-step plan to help you evaluate and make improvements.

Step 1: Identify your core values, beliefs, and principles.

Before you do that, let’s clarify what each of these means.

A belief is an assumption about the world or your existence. A value is a trait you believe is essential and serves as a guide to your behavior. A principle is a behavior that will express and fulfill your values.

For example, you may believe each person has a purpose. A corresponding value might be “self-discipline.” A related principle could be that daily, purposeful actions are necessary to reach goals.

Using those definitions, write out your major beliefs (assumptions) and your core values. Under each of those list behaviors that reflect that value. This may be a lengthy process and one you shouldn’t do in a sitting. Do it over weeks, but keep working at it. You might like doing it journal style and adding to it whenever a new realization hits you.

Step 2: Observe your behavior.

Systematically observe your daily behavior and see when you stray from your core values and principles. We all do that to some extent, but you can only catch it if you’re watching and keeping your mind open to see when you deviate. Something as simple as gossiping for a moment may not fit your core values. Although you mean no harm, there’s an element of injury both to you and the person you’re talking about.

Don’t do this exercise to criticize yourself but rather to evaluate where you need to make changes or tighten up.

Step 3: Make a plan to work on areas of struggle.

Pick one thing at a time and consistently work on it. In most cases, this requires changing habits – letting go of dysfunctional ones and replacing them with good ones. This is an ongoing effort.

In last week’s blog, I discussed how your brain automates your habits, thought patterns, behavior, etc. Because of that, you’ll need time, persistence, and patience. But the rewards are great! Use any strategies you think will help.

Step 4: Set up a regular review time to see how you’re doing.

If you don’t do this, you’re more likely to let go of your resolve. Momentum needs to be continuous, which will only happen if you refresh it regularly. A weekly review is best. I’ve added a character review to my already established weekly review of my goals. That way I won’t forget it.

Today’s Challenge

There are current social obstacles to building character that you should keep in mind as you work at it. We’ve moved from a Culture of Character to a Culture of Personality over the past several centuries (Sussman).

Whereas we used to be focused on values like “citizenship, duty, work, golden deeds, honor, reputation, and morals,” our current obsession with personalities has shifted our attention to public personas that are “magnetic, fascinating, stunning, attractive, glowing, dominant, forceful, and energetic,” (Cain). Personas have taken precedence over ethics and behavior.

Having a good personality is all well and good, but not at the expense of having good character. Ultimately your successes on every front will depend much more on character than personality.

Character is the foundation of your personality, so make it good!

That’s all for today!

I hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

_{Cain, S. (2012). Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. Crown Publishing Group.
Sussman, W. (2003). Culture as History: The Transformation of American Society in the Twentieth Century. Smithsonian Books.}