John Gottman is a well-known psychologist and researcher in the area of marital stability and therapy. You may know of him already. He’s the author of a bestseller entitled The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work.

His insights are based on research he’s conducted, most notably a study in which he watched couples through a one-way mirror discussing an unresolved issue for a period of 15 minutes.

In the course of this study, he identified four communication patterns that signal marital distress, and ultimately can lead to its demise. He calls them The Four Horseman, named after the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.

They are: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling.

I’ll go through each of them briefly, and then give you some strategies you can use to avoid them. Here they are.

Horseman #1: Criticism

The best way to understand criticism is to distinguish it from a complaint. A complaint addresses a behavior or act and is a normal type of communication.

“I didn’t get a call from you today per usual to let me know you were going to be late. I was worried!”

Criticism is more global and assaults someone’s character or personality.

“As usual, you didn’t call me to let me know you were going to be late. You’re not someone I can count on!”

The first statement focuses on the behavior. The second adds blame to the equation and launches a character assassination.

“You’re not someone I can count on!”

Horseman #2: Contempt

Contempt includes sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, hostile humor, cynicism, and scorn. The hallmark of this mode of communication is the message of “disgust.”

Once you lead with contemptuous gestures or communications, any chance of resolving an issue is lost.

“Once again you didn’t call me to let me know you were going to be late! How many times do I have to tell you this? What’s wrong with you? Can’t you remember anything?“

This statement not only criticizes, but it’s a full-on attack delivered with sarcasm and belittling.

Contempt usually occurs when there are unresolved issues that have been simmering for a long time, and attempts to resolve them have been unsuccessful. It’s an escalation of criticism, and Dr. Gottman sees it as the most dangerous of The Four Horseman.

He also notes that belligerence is a “close cousin” to contempt and is equally deadly to a relationship. It’s more aggressive and feels threatening.

Horseman #3: Defensiveness

Defensiveness is an attempt to escape the complaint (or criticism). It’s also an attempt to shift the blame away and back toward the partner.

Although it’s natural to try and defend against a personal attack, becoming defensive just escalates the conflict. It’s like adding fuel to the fire.

“So I forgot one time! Sue me! If you didn’t nag so much, I might remember. I might even want to come home!”

This defense is particularly deadly because it contains a counterattack, and uses contempt in the process.

Horseman #4: Stonewalling

Stonewalling is sort of the last straw and occurs later in a relationship when one or both partners feel unheard, and have concluded that it’s futile to try and talk things out.

During a conversation or dressing down, it can take the form of hiding behind a computer screen, leaving the room while the partner’s talking, turning on the TV and drowning her out, or becoming unresponsive. Regardless of the method, it’s an act of disengagement.

It’s not always done on purpose. One might become emotionally flooded and overwhelmed by the intensity of the other’s attack, leaving him defenseless, and so he withdraws or becomes paralyzed and checks out.

What to do.

For a full discussion of what you can do to help repair a marriage and strengthen it, I would encourage you to read Dr. Gottman’s book. For now, here’s some basic things you can do when communicating with your partner to reduce the occurrence of The Four Horsemen.

#1 Focus on behaviors only, not personal characteristics. Avoid these:

• Labeling – “You’re lazy.”
• Analyzing – “You’ve got a real issue with money!”
• Insulting – “You’re just an idiot!”
• Diagnosing – “I think you’re bipolar.”

#2 Use “I” statements rather than “You” statements.

“When you do . . ., I feel . . .”

#3 Take responsibility for your feelings.

“I worry when you come home late without letting me know about it ahead.”

instead of

“You make me worry when you come home late.”

#4 Rather than defending, ask questions.

The goal is to understand what the other person is really saying and feeling. When you take that approach, you diffuse negative emotions and connect. Set aside your defense for the moment, and try to fully understand what’s bothering your partner.

#5 Pick the right time for hard conversations.

• Are either of you sick or under the weather?
• What’s the level of tiredness or stress?
• Are there any mood problems at the moment?

#6 Make your statements clear and specific.

Don’t make your partner guess at what you’re really saying or how you’re feeling. And especially don’t expect him to read your mind. This is an expectation that many couples have of each other and it’s an easy way to create misunderstandings. Be clear, direct, and say what you mean.

#7 If you feel flooded and can’t continue, take a break.

Let your partner know what’s going on and step back for a while. Do something soothing until you feel collected and calm enough to reengage in the conversation. This is not the same as stonewalling.

Last thoughts.

It’s noteworthy to keep in mind that using The Four Horseman in your communications is not only detrimental to your marriage, but to any intimate relationship including that between parent and child, with other family members, or with close friends. Best practice is to try and remove them altogether from your repertoire.

Especially watch out for sarcasm which can be used playfully sometimes, but it’s walking a tightrope that often leaves a sting.

That’s all for today. I hope you have a wonderful week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by RomoloTavani, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Human beings are natural storytellers. We love a good novel, a fictional TV show, or a juicy bit of gossip about someone.

So it’s not surprising that we also tell ourselves stories.

The problem is we often don’t recognize them as stories. We take them for fact. Most of the time, our stories are a mix of fact and fiction.

Here’s how this works:

Every day, a dance goes on between things that happen or experiences you have and your interpretation of those things and experiences.

You think you perceive them accurately and recall them factually, but what you remember and commit to memory are your interpretations. And these interpretations are significantly colored by your emotions, history, mindsets, and biases.

This means that your view of reality and your world is filtered through your personal lens.

You likely don’t consider it necessary to always examine your perceptions or ask yourself what’s actually true or accurate before you emotionally react and respond.

You take for granted that what you perceive is true.

The fact is, your emotions have the biggest impact on your memory and recall.

The more emotionally charged and impactful an event is, the more likely it will be stored in memory and the more emphasis you’ll give it. Also, it’s more likely to become distorted, especially when it triggers you somehow.

It works this for all of us. It’s almost like we create a fantasy and then react to that fantasy as though it’s true when sometimes it’s partially true, and sometimes it’s not true at all.

These are the stories we tell ourselves.

Your Daily Narrative

In a way, our lives are long stories like sagas. We tell the story to ourselves (as the narrator) and have the leading role in the story (as the actor).

Every day, you have a running conversation in your head about what’s happening and what you think and feel about it.

You bring up previous events and ruminate about them and construct future events. You watch the story, expand the story, review the story, and edit the story, all at the same time.

This narration runs almost by itself, sometimes without you knowing you’re doing it.

The problem occurs when your interpretation takes in only some of the facts or information pertinent to the story.

You’re limited by a tendency to ruminate and narrow your focus to what affects you the most emotionally.

What you see is only a slice of the story. You miss parts, resulting in distorted interpretations.

Here’s an Example:

Several nights ago, I got 5 hours of sleep because my 19-year-old Dachsie had some problems (which turned out all right).

The next day, I repeatedly said to myself, “I’m soooo tired.”

I must have repeated that idea in my mind at least 25 times, if not more. This is the slice of my experience I was focused on.

At one point, I caught it. I realized I was confining my day to the idea that I was so tired I couldn’t do anything. The more I said it to myself, the more tired I got.

I decided to let that thought sit quietly in the background and shift my attention to other activities. As I did that, I forgot how tired I was and accomplished a lot despite it. I was still tired, but not as much as I had imagined.

The story I had told myself that morning was:

1. If I only had 5 hours of sleep, I wouldn’t be able to function.
2. The day was going to be a loss because of it.
3. I could only do the barest minimum.

That was my interpretation of the event, and I fed it with a single repetitive thought. Once I let go of that story, I realized it was exaggerated and not altogether true.

Stories have power!

Make Your Stories Work For You

You can use your stories positively if you become mindful in your story-telling. To do that, you have to:

• Be honest with yourself.
• Allow yourself time to recover emotionally from something before constructing your story.
• Take responsibility for your stories, and be deliberate in creating them.
• Widen your perceptions, and get all the information before coming to conclusions.
• Question repetitive thoughts and correct those that are faulty or too noisy.
• Create stories that help you grow rather than hold you hostage.

We’re going to tell stories. It’s our nature, so it behooves us to use this habit for the best.

If you follow the above rules, your stories will be more accurate and reinforce your sense of self and positive regard.

If your stories are laced with these themes, they’ll be detrimental to you:

• Repetitive self-criticism or disapproval
• Blaming others for your problems
• Justifying actions that aren’t in your best interest
• Catastrophic thinking
• Ruminating in circles
• I can’t
• Making snap decisions or being impulsive

Don’t use your stories to beat yourself up or paint a negative picture of yourself. Use them to:

1. Perceive what’s true.
2. Help you attain your goals.
3. Make your daily experiences worthwhile, enjoyable, and productive.
4. Consistently grow and improve.

Try This Exercise

Watch your stories for a day. This means watching repetitive themes or thoughts, interpretations of experiences, and things you say to yourself about yourself.

As you watch, pull those thoughts out and see if you need to revise them, lesson them, or discard them altogether.

Replace stories that are largely fantasy with stories that are more accurate and based on all the information you have at your disposal.

The idea is to widen your perception and to remember that things pass, things resolve, and there are actions you can take to keep yourself moving in a positive direction always.

Instead of being “sooooo tired” all day, you can say, “It’s just one day, and it’s not that bad, and there’s a lot I can do with this day despite being tired, and tomorrow I’ll get 8 hours of sleep.”

I changed that story, felt much better, and got a lot done. You can do the same with your stories!

That’s all for today.

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Today’s blog is more of a thought piece than my regular information or “how to” blog. I’ll return to that format next week. Hopefully today’s subject will resonate with you and stimulate some thoughts and ideas.

The subject is COVID, however, not so much the virus itself, but the effects of this last year on all of us, and where we go from here. More specifically,

What have we learned from this experience that we can use going forward?

By the way, this isn’t about politics or world problems. It’s just about us.

Quarantine

Somewhere during this past year, you experienced some quarantine or lockdown time, and likely quite a bit. Depending on where you live, and who’s in charge, and what your level of fear has been, you’ve had to stay home much more than usual. If you’re like me, you’re still staying home to a large degree.

This has been a big adjustment for most of us. It’s meant being in your house or apartment all the time, possibly working from home or not being able to work at all. It’s also meant being in constant contact with your immediate family without breaks that are normally provided by school, work and extra-curricular activities. It’s likely meant cooking more unless you ordered in a lot, and unfortunately for many of us, eating more!

Maybe you did puzzles, watched more Netflix, embarked on some home improvement projects, and did your best to get your kids through online school. Maybe you got sick and survived, and sadly, maybe even lost someone or knew someone that didn’t survive.

It’s been stressful, and for each of us the stress is different depending on our circumstances and our personalities. Introverts who like to self-entertain were more likely to enjoy the time at home whereas extroverts found it taxing and boring.

The Good

There is a silver lining, and this is what I want to highlight today. We may not see all of it completely until we’re well out of the pandemic and can look at it in hindsight, but there are some things I’ve noticed already and thought about that I’ll share with you. I think it’s good to process what we’ve learned and are still learning as we go through this time. Here’s my insights, and hopefully they resonate with your experience too.

#1 Moving inward.

We’ve had to become more internal. That means being more reflective, more aware of our thoughts and feelings, and quieter. Without the distractions of activity we usually engage in outside the house, there’s been no choice but to move inward.

Whether it’s been comfortable or not, it’s a good thing. It’s allowed us to commune with ourselves and get in touch with what’s important, and what we value. It’s reminded us of who we really are and what we aspire to. It’s also brought to the forefront what needs attention that we should address.

#2 Confronting mortality.

Because we’re in a pandemic, and people have died, our mortality has been brought to the front burner. For me, it’s resulted in thinking a lot about my life span, and how long I have, and what I should do with that time. In those mental meanderings, I’ve questioned what’s really important, and based on the answers, asked myself how to change what I’m doing now to pursue those things more diligently. In general, it’s reminded us all that we can’t take life for granted.

#3 Spotlight on relationships.

Being quarantined has put a spotlight on our intimate relationships. For some it’s highlighted the pleasure in having more time with those we love, and brought us closer. For others, it’s highlighted problem areas that need repairing or change.

It’s also opened up other means of being together. It’s too bad we didn’t all have stock holdings in Zoom, because certainly it’s been a good year for them and we would be rich by now! I’m funning a bit here, but truly, online communication has become a necessary means of staying in contact with those with whom we couldn’t see face-to-face.

In some cases, families and friends have had more contact than they normally do through online methods, partly because there’s more time for it, and partly because it feels more important and necessary to be with each other.

For some, relationships have deepened and grown, and for other’s it’s signaled a need to shift away. Either way, we’ve had to attend to them.

#4 Boredom and creativity.

You have to be creative to cook this much, or help kids with online school, or quell your boredom, or deal with more people in the house at one time. It’s amazing what we can do when we have too, and interesting to see that when we’re placed in a position to come up with new strategies or new activities, we do it. It’s been good to exercise our imaginations, entertain ourselves, and make things work without outside activities. The art of creative boredom is a great skill!

#5 Gratitude and appreciation.

What’s the saying? “You don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone?” (From one of Joni Mitchell’s songs.)

• Simple pleasures like going to the grocery store without trying to breathe through a mask.
• Going out to dinner.
• Having get togethers at someone’s house.
• Traveling or vacationing.

I know that some people did some of these things anyway, but not always with great results. Regardless, a grayness has hung over us as we waited and waited for some break in the news that would tell us we have an end in sight. I don’t think anyone thought the pandemic would go on for this long.

Yet, there’s so much we can appreciate and be grateful for. For each of us, it’s personal. There are small things and small wins and small lessons that we’ve experienced, some of which I’ve mentioned above, and some that pertain just to you. You know what these are and it’s good to remind yourself of them.

Moving Forward

As we get on top of the pandemic, and things go back to “normal,” I wonder what we’ll remember and use when we return to our busy, rather frenetic lives.

Americans love busy. We’re a bit manic, and love to be active. We’re doers, and as a group, we seek outside stimulation.

Personally, I think we go too far in this respect. A better approach is a balance between the internal and the external. Reflection, downtime, staying put in one place for a while, dealing with boredom, being creative, and paying attention to relationships are invaluable and important aspects of living. Knowing yourself, and just being is as important (and maybe more) as doing and accomplishing.

My hope for all of us is that we’ve gained some permanent insight into the need for self-reflection, thinking, contemplating, and just being. If we do, I think our achievements and accomplishments will be greater, and certainly also our peace of mind.

Last Note

To any of you who lost someone in this past year to COVID, my heart goes out to you. I wish you consolation as you grieve, and hope that you find solace in time.

Until next week . .

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Jiyeon Park on Unsplash

Let’s start today with a question: “What do you do with your time?”

I ask because, in truth, most of us don’t know how much time we spend on any particular activity unless it’s tightly scheduled, like a meeting at work from 1 to 2.

We usually ballpark it, which means it’s easy to over or underestimate how much time something takes.

The only way to know precisely how you spend your time is to track it. Otherwise, you’re guessing.

Why is this important? Because time is ultimately limited in every life. You don’t know how much you have. What you do know is that in a single week, there are 168 hours, and if you sleep 8 hours a night (hopefully), you have 112 hours of waking time.

What happens in those 112 hours, and if you actually find out, will you be happy with what you learn?

This blog has two parts:

1. Learn how to track your time
2. Identify five time-thieves

How to Track your Time

To track your time, start by monitoring your activities for a whole week, from the moment you get out of bed to the moment you turn off the lights to sleep.

Write it down. It’s a bit tedious, but it’s worth it. To make it easier, you can use 15-minute blocks.

You’ll likely be surprised at what you find. And you’ll get an accurate view of how much time things take. For example, you’ll see how much time you spend on work, housekeeping, leisure, caretaking, chatting, resting, etc.

Now that you know how you spend your time in real numbers, you can decide what you want to change.

There are several possibilities. You may see ways to stack specific tasks together to be more efficient, or you may need to cut down on activities that waste your time.

You’ll see if you’re spending enough time on the things that are most important to you.

Break It Down

Here’s a way to break it down so you put your energy where you want it to go. Divide your time usage into seven categories:

1. Activities that move you toward your most important goals
2. Maintenance activities like cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands, hygiene, etc.
3. Work or job
4. Leisure and entertainment
5. Relationship time
6. Sleep
7. Wasted time

As you review the week you’ve just tracked, try placing your activities in one of these seven categories. You can make sub-categories if you like. You’ll also find that some activities will overlap into several categories.

When you’re done, see if you can tweak things to spend more time in the categories that are most important to you.

Now for things that steal your time.

Time-Thieves

These activities often consume more time than you realize and don’t give you a sense of accomplishment or relaxation.

#1 Social Media

You knew I was going to list this one, right? Scrolling through social media or watching videos on YouTube (unless you’re watching something instructive for a purpose) robs you of time you could spend on more productive activities. It can be relaxing, and you may want to continue doing it, but not to the extent you are.

Make rules for yourself about how much time you want to allow for these activities and when. One thing you can do immediately to help is to remove social media apps from your phone.

If you do that, you’ll automatically reduce the time spent on social media. It works!

#2 Multi-Tasking

When you multi-task, you actually take more time to get things done. There are some things you can have going simultaneously, like clothes in the washer while you cook dinner and even several burners going at once. There’s an art to that.

But generally, it’s better to focus on one activity at a time and finish it before moving on to the next. You’re more efficient this way.

If you have kids in the house, this is often difficult to pull off. But even with kids, you can structure your time so that when you have something you must do, you can instruct them to self-entertain and then follow this up by giving them your undivided attention at an agreed time later.

Structure is the key here. Try to get very deliberate about what you’re doing and, if possible, do it completely and without distraction until you’re done.

#3 Not Planning Ahead

When you don’t plan ahead, you lose time you aren’t even aware of losing. The upshot is feeling anxious and overwhelmed.

It’s best to keep a running “to-do” list for each day of the week. On Saturday (or Sunday), make this list for all seven days and spell out everything you need to do on which days.

Then, check your list the night before so you know what’s on your agenda for the next day.

Undoubtedly, you’ll move things around as other things interfere, but you’ll have a plan in place to start. If you do this every week, you’ll get good at knowing how much time things take, and you’ll waste less time.

Be sure to keep your list somewhere that’s easy to access and alter. I keep mine in Notes on my iPad, so I can also see it on my phone and computer.

#4 Procrastination

We all do this, and some more than others. The problem with procrastination is that when you do it, things hang over you and drain you emotionally, even if you aren’t aware of it.

If procrastination is a problem for you, there’s a lot of advice out there for how to curb it. But in a nutshell, taking action is the only way to break the habit. There’s just no getting around that.

Put it on your list, and don’t allow yourself to deviate unless there’s an emergency. You can reread this blog for help with that.

#5 Digital Communication

This time thief includes texting, emails, and, to some extent, phone calls. I gave this a separate category rather than lumping it in with social media because it has a different impact.

Texting is a wonderful invention for quick communication. But – and this is a big but:

Constant texting creates anxiety.

Research shows this to be true. You get a text and feel like you need to reply. It becomes a demand. It lingers in the background and gnaws at you.

Same is true with emails. When you’re always accessible, there’s a sense of impending invasion, even when you’re alone.

Some people get upwards of 200+ emails a day on the job, which is horrifying! Who has the time, and how important are all those emails?!

Then there’s your phone. Just having a smartphone in view creates some distraction. It might as well just call your name out loud!

Talking to someone on the phone can be enjoyable or useful if you’re catching up or planning something. But if you get stuck on it, you feel like a hostage.

The key is to take control of when and how you communicate.

Tell your friends or family that you only check emails twice a day if that’s the case, you don’t respond to texts while at work, and you don’t answer the phone after 7 in the evening. Make the rules that fit for you.

The idea is to balance your contact with those you care about with the time you need for other things, including downtime.

Structure it, and don’t feel apologetic if you don’t want to text for hours or answer every email. Besides, there’s no replacement for face-to-face conversation if you genuinely want to connect.

I didn’t mention TV as a time-robber, but certainly it can be. If you’re an avid TV watcher, add that to your list and track how much time you spend watching to decide if it’s in your best interest.

Last Note

Just imagine that if you track your time and cut back on time thieves, you open up an additional hour per day. That’s 365 hours a year you could spend on the things that matter most to you.

That’s all for today.

As always, I hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

There’s a well-known Indian spiritual teacher who lived in the late 1800s and early 1900s, who often answered questions posed by visitors who sought him out at his ashram where he resided in South India. His name is Ramana Maharshi.

Someone asked him once about how to handle disputes. Here’s the exact question posed and his answer:

Q: “Bhagavan! It happens to all and at many a time too. Two friends get entangled in heated arguments on a commonly accepted issue. Each sincerely feels that his stand is correct. And most assuredly that the other is wrong. A stalemate results. In such cases, how can the issue be resolved to the satisfaction of both? Or is there no practical method at all to settle such tussles?”

A: “Bhagavan replied, “Yes, there is! It is very easy too!” He continued, “Since both are sincere, and are not arguing for argument sake, if you completely give up your standpoint for a moment, and accept the other’s point of view as your own, then there will be clarity in your mind. If possible, both should adopt or be persuaded to adopt, this method. If the other refuses, it doesn’t matter. Just make such a change of view in yourself. You will then experience a release from the stalemate. This change in you will release the other too from the stalemate. Neither of you will be arguing anymore.”

The wisdom in this response is subtle yet powerful, and something we can all use when we find ourselves in a situation where we’re having a dispute with someone.

The instruction is to completely abandon your point of view for a moment and put yourself in the other person’s headspace and see it through his mind’s eye as though it is yours.

Hah! This is not so easy to do, because it requires setting aside any emotional reactions you may be having to what’s said, and letting go of the need to defend your position, at least for a time.

That’s a big order, especially when the stakes are personal. And the more intimate the relationship, the higher the stakes, and the more likely you are to dig your heels in and raise your defenses.

The question is “How do I do that?”

Here’s what to do.

There’s a way that works if you use it early in the conversation before it gets out of hand. It has to do with your initial response to the other person’s statement(s).

Instead of rebutting, defending, or denying, ask one or several of these questions:

“I’m curious. How did you arrive at that conclusion? What led you to that idea? How’d you get there?”

When you ask questions that focus on his thought processes instead of responding to the actual content with a defense, you begin to turn down the emotional temperature while opening up some space for understanding and connecting.

By positioning yourself in the role of curious explorer instead of defensive debater, you change the direction of the conversation. You take the force of the other person’s drive to convince you of his point of view, and use it to open things up instead of lock them down.

By investigating instead of reacting, you get some time and space to cool yourself down by suspending your responses while you just listen. That will come in handy when you’re ready to start talking again.

Once the initial question is asked, keep asking questions and clarifying what you hear until you feel like you’re seeing his viewpoint as though it’s coming through your mind as well as his. Follow his mental steps as he tells you what led him to his conclusions. Drop your need to defend and focus only on understanding what he’s saying.

If you’re successful . . .

You’ll recognize that he’s right! He’s right based on his reasoning, his emotional perceptions, and the information he’s chosen to use. That doesn’t mean he’s necessarily totally or truly right if some of those factors are faulty, but from inside his mind he’s right and you now know how he’s gotten there.

Once you understand how he thinks and feels, and he knows you get it, four things happen:

• He gets calmer because he feels heard.
• You’re calmer because you’ve controlled the emotional trajectory of the conversation, and you have much more information to work with.
• He’s much more likely to hear you now.
• You’re much more likely to explain your point of view in a way that can be received without a defensive response.

By seeking to fully understand before replying, you create a connection. You’re both on the same side, even if you continue to disagree on the content.

There are three ideas you need to cement in your mind to be able to pull this off:

1. Just because someone says something doesn’t make it true.
2. No one wins an argument if one of the parties is hurt.
3. Defenses don’t need to be launched immediately to be effective. To the contrary, they can only be received when there’s a connection between both parties based on a desire to understand. If you take the lead and understand first, you have a much better chance of being understood when it’s your turn to speak.

When not to use this strategy.

This tactic will almost always work if you use it before a conversation moves into a full argument. But, there are situations where it won’t work, and that was pointed out in Bhagavan’s answer to the question. He qualified the situation saying, “if both are sincere and are not arguing for argument sake.”

There are people who want to argue, and will turn any attempt to come to an understanding into more conflict. This can happen when someone’s anger is out of control and they aren’t receptive, or worse, they simply like to fight so they twist words or purposely misunderstand what’s said to continue to escalate an argument.

When that’s the case, step back. Leave the conversation. Either you can come back when everyone’s cooled down and try again, or in the case of the person who just wants to fight, abandon any further attempts until he’s earnestly willing to work at reaching an understanding.

Last note: This is a strategy that not only works for intimate relationships, but it’s also very helpful when talking to our kids, or co-workers or friends.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!
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This is a subject that’s near and dear to me because I’m a “Helper” on the Enneagram, which means I can easily fall into rescuing when I should just let someone solve their own problems. That said, sometimes rescuing is a good thing, and I’ll tell you when that is as we get into the discussion.

Let’s start with differentiating between the two activities.

Helping is assisting or aiding someone to do something for herself. You provide the tools or resources to overcome a problem or get something done, and she uses what’s given to do the work.
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Rescuing is saving someone from a distressing set of circumstances she find’s herself in, or from harm (either psychological or physical). You remove her from a difficult or dangerous situation. In this case, you do the work.

There’s nothing wrong with either option if the situation truly calls for it, but chronic rescuing is a problem when it evolves into enabling, and that’s where things get sticky.

So how do you determine when enough is enough?

It’s not always clear, but here are some guidelines you can use to help you decide. Let’s start with helping.

Guidelines for Helping

1. Always ask first. Helping should be something the recipient actually wants, not something you impose.
2. Examine whether what you have to offer will be in the other person’s best interest. Is what you can do actually helpful? When you don’t know, ask: “Would this be helpful to you?” If the answer is no, you might followup with: “What do you think would be helpful?” Let the other person be your guide.
3. Make sure your help won’t be harmful or hurtful to you. Sacrificing can get very tricky, because you can fall into a martyr mindset which doesn’t help anyone. Helping should not feel like a sacrifice, unless it’s a sacrifice you wish to make. You should be able to give without needing something back, and without resentment later on. It should be free and clear. I might give up watching a TV show I like to give my child an hour of time to chat about a problem she’s having. That’s a choice that feels good.
4. Provide help that will allow the recipient to go forward, or overcome an obstacle, or figure out a way to resolve a problem. Your help gets him moving, but allows him to work on the issue himself.

The caveat here is that sometimes helping is doing something with someone. You might help your friend move into a new apartment, or work on a project together. That’s still helping. You both do the work.

Now for rescuing.

Guidelines for Rescuing

Sometimes circumstances require a rescue. For example:

You might offer to pay for your son’s unexpected car repair because you know he doesn’t have the money.

A friend becomes ill and can’t fend for herself, so you stay with her a few days until she’s better enough to navigate alone.

Your neighbor’s babysitter cancelled on her last minute, and you offer to watch her daughter for a couple of hours.

These are all rescue situations that are isolated events. You offer your help on a one-time basis, and it greatly relieves the person on the receiving end.

The difficulty with rescuing occurs when you get into a chronic situation of repeatedly pulling someone out of the ditch, only for him to fall back in and need rescuing again, and again, and again. In cases like these, you’re enabling and there’s nothing good about that!

Here’s some questions you can ask yourself to avoid doing that.

1. Is this a one-time situation? And will what I do help this person get back on the horse and keep going?​
2. Have I made clear the boundaries around what I’m offering and for how much or how long?
3. Is the person I’m rescuing someone who values solving his own problems, or does he chronically allow others to take care of him? If the answer is the latter, you need to consider carefully what you offer and make sure the boundaries are stated up front. You may also decide to just simply refrain from rescuing.​
4. What’s in it for me?

This last question is important, because rescuing is sometimes driven by the wrong motives. Here’s some examples.

• You rescue someone to relieve your anxiety. This happens all the time with parents. We rescue our kids because our anxiety about their distress or safety is so great, we’ll do anything to get rid of that feeling. The problem is, that’s not always the best decision for their growth. We don’t allow them to work on the problem themselves and learn how to cope with adversity.
• You use “rescuing” and “helping” to ward off feelings of depression. It’s not always a bad thing to help someone when you’re feeling down, because it can lift you out of a negative mood. But if it’s a pattern, you’re likely using it to avoid dealing with your own issues.
• You need to be needed, and when you’re not needed, your self-esteem plummets. You feel alone. Again, rescuing is a means of avoidance.
• You don’t have faith or trust in the other person to solve his own problems. There’s two possibilities here: (1) You don’t allow space for him to struggle with the problem because you know you can solve it faster and better, or (2) he’s not willing to tackle it. Either way, you’ll rob him of an opportunity to learn something if you step in and take over. Sometimes the best decision is to step back and let someone wrangle with their own distress.
• You can’t stand to see anyone else suffer. It makes you suffer. It’s hard to see someone you love in pain, and it’s natural to try and take that feeling away. However, sometimes we need to suffer in order to learn. We’re all ultimately responsible for the consequences of our actions, or our inaction. Are you fostering that responsibility, or helping someone avoid it?
• You’re a caretaker and always have been. You might be the oldest child in your family, or the one everyone comes to for help. Being a caretaker is part of your identity, and you feel guilty when you say no. If this is you and you can’t get around it, now’s a good time to learn how to set boundaries without the guilt. Click here.​

If you’re not sure what to do when someone needs help, ask yourself this one question:

Will what I have to offer benefit the other person, and will we both feel good about the outcome?

If you truly feel good about it, you won’t feel taken advantage of. If the recipient feels good about it, he will feel both helped and respected, and will want to continue to do his own work.

That’s all for this Monday. As always, I hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Today’s subject is about something called the “negativity bias.” You may already know what it means, but keep reading. I’m going to tell you more about how it works, why, and what you can do to counteract it.

Let’s start with a couple of examples.

(This is you as a kid.) You bring home your report card to your parents and you have five As and one C. Your Mom looks at the grades, looks up at you, and says,” What’s this C? What happened?”

Your partner leaves his dirty clothes on the bed – again – for you to pick up and put in the laundry room. You think of everything he’s ever done that annoys you for hours until you’re furious.

You’re having a fabulous day. Everything’s going well, you’re getting a lot done at work, you feel good. Then you’re in a meeting and the boss gives you a sideways glance when talking about an issue he’s upset about. Your day’s ruined. It’s all you can think about, and when you get home and your husband asks you how your day was, you say “Horrible!” You don’t even know if your boss was referencing you in terms of the issue he mentioned, but you assume the absolute worst.

The Definition

I’m sure you can relate to at least one of these examples if not all of them. In each case, a single negative event or thing created a big reaction and overpowered any positives that may have existed. The focus went straight to what was wrong, and very quickly. This is called the “negativity bias.”

It’s defined as:

• Our tendency to register negative stimuli more readily than positive, and
• To dwell on the negative aspects of events longer and more intensely.

So not only do we have our antenna up for the negative, but we can’t let go of it all that easily. That’s why we’re prone to falling into negative ruminating.

The Why

Negativity bias has its roots in the structure of our brains. We’re still operating in part as if we live in a primitive world where survival is the prime goal.

Our brains prioritize bad news. We scan the environment for danger, and then when it appears, our emotional brain (the amygdala) takes over and sounds a red alert, thereby overriding our thinking brain located in the prefrontal cortex.

That worked fine when we lived in a primitive setting where being alert to danger was necessary to survive, but that’s not the case now.

Unfortunately, our brains still operate this way, only now we react to symbolic threats such as emotionally charged words that have negative or dangerous connotations like anger, hate, crime, abuse, and many others.

We have similar responses to those words that our primitive tribe had to seeing lions and tigers.

It’s like our antenna starts to vibrate when we hear negative words or phrases, or see frightening or alarming images. Whose ears don’t perk up when they hear a siren, and if your kids are out somewhere away from home, you may begin to ruminate about whether they’re safe, or got into an accident.

We’re primed this way. We’re always watching for those lions and tigers! Only now, these are words and images and memories.

Even more telling are studies that have been done where people are shown negative and positive images while having their brains scanned. As they view the images, the negative or scary images are accompanied by greater neural processing and a larger brain response than that associated with viewing the positive images. What’s negative stands out and captures our attention!

John Gottman, a well-known psychologist who studies marriage, says that it takes upward to 5 times as many positive interactions in a marital relationship to outnumber 1 negative one just to stay in a neutral position. Wow!

What To Do

Here’s 7 things you can do to counteract the negativity bias:

1. Savor the positive. When something good happens, or you’re feeling happy and well, savor that moment. Make yourself focus on the feeling and remember it. By attending to positive events in a deliberate way, you apply more brain power to them to counterbalance a negative focus. A good tool for this is a gratitude journal. By writing out what’s positive, you imprint it in your mind.
2. Use mistakes for learning. When you harp on yourself, beat yourself up, or simply chastise yourself for mistakes, you chip away at your self-worth. Recognize mistakes, but focus on learning from them. Recognize, repair, forgive and move on. Vow to do differently in the future and hold yourself to it.
3. Be your own best friend. Talk to yourself the way you would to a best friend. Ask yourself how your feeling? Are you bothered or hurt about something? What would make you feel better? Show self-compassion.
4. Reframe cognitive distortions. Negative thinking is very often all-or-nothing. It’s exaggerated. One single negative event becomes a whole day’s worth. Reframe your thoughts to be more in line with reality. “I had a great day, except for one thing that happened.” It’s the exaggerations that lead us astray. For example: (1) You make one error at work, and you imagine you’ll be fired within the week. (2) Your partner was distant last night, and you decide he’s seeing someone else and wants a divorce. (3) Your teenaged son comes home 15 minutes later than expected and in that 15 minutes you’re positive he was in an auto accident and is horribly injured or worse. Use your objective thinking to guide your emoting.​
5. Watch your self-talk, especially negative characterizations of yourself like I’m not smart, I can’t do anything right, I’m not as pretty as she is, I’m too old, I’m just fat! Try reminding yourself of your good qualities, who you are, what you have to offer, and who appreciates you. Make sure that you’re included in that last category too!
6. Distract yourself from negative ruminations. This is one of the more daunting ones. Our minds latch on to the same negative thought trains over and over. It’s like groundhog day. It happens automatically. When you notice you’re doing it, change your activity. You can simply change to a positive thought train if that works. Or you can do something more distracting like taking a walk, reading a book, engaging in one of your hobbies, or calling a friend and chatting. Each time you notice yourself ruminating, stop it and move to something else. The more you do it, the easier it gets. I tend to ruminate while I’m cooking. It’s very annoying. So now I prime myself before I start cooking to think of something positive, or listen to music, or maybe a podcast.
7. Meditate or practice square breathing. Square breathing is a quick way to break up thought trains. If you’ve never done it before, you can get instructions by clicking the link below. Meditation has the added benefit of resetting your mind and putting you in a more positive frame.
   ​​​​​​SquareBreathing.pdf

That’s all for today. Try to stay positive this week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Today’s post is inspired by the book called “The Gift.”

​The Gift was written by Dr. Edith Eva Eger at the age of 93. In twelve outstanding chapters, she lovingly imparts her wisdom and advice for handling adversity and victimization in a way that leads to growth and freedom.

Dr. Eger was imprisoned at Auschwitz when she was 16, along with her younger sister Magda and her parents. The year was 1944, and the Nazis had invaded Hungary, where she and her family lived. Carted off in a cattle car, the family was taken to Auschwitz, where she would be held for the next year. Her parents were murdered in the gas chambers immediately after their arrival.

Over that year, Dr. Eger and her sister were left to deal with the horrors and abuse dished out by the Nazis and to do their best to survive until their release in 1945.

In her words:

“Each moment in Auschwitz was hell on earth. It was also my best classroom. Subjected to loss, torture, starvation, and the constant threat of death, I discovered the tools for survival and freedom that I continue to use every day in my clinical psychology practice as well as in my own life.”

After her release and in the years to follow, Dr. Eger married, had children, and completed her doctorate in clinical psychology (which she did at the age of 52.) For the last 40+ years, she has provided psychotherapeutic help to others who have dealt with all manner of victimization, depression, anxiety, and the like.

What I found most inspirational about The Gift (and Dr. Eger herself) was the foundation she laid out in the first chapter, where she talks about victimization. She starts with this statement which sets the tone for the entire book:

“Suffering is universal. But victimhood is optional.”

From someone who suffered so much, this is a profound statement. And it’s one we can all use and learn from.

What it means is this:

1. It’s not possible for any of us to avoid being victimized or hurt. There’s no way to escape pain. It’s a part of life that can’t be sidestepped.​
2. What we can do is choose our response. We can either work through the pain associated with these experiences, learn and grow from them, or take on the “victim” identity and stay there.

This second choice sometimes comes about because it feels like home. It’s familiar. It’s safer to stay in the role of “victim,” even though we wish to avoid the pain of it.

By doing so, we don’t have to do anything about it. We don’t have to stand up for ourselves. We don’t have to face our true feelings. We don’t have to choose freedom and take on the responsibility to move forward. We can stand still.

The Prison of Victimhood

The shift from being victimized to being a victim is subtle, and often it happens without awareness. It may originate in our families of origin and be built into our psyche through years of abuse, neglect, criticism, or oppression. This sometimes leads to becoming a “victim” permanently unless we face it, deal with it, and redefine who we are in light of our experiences.

This is what Dr. Eger calls the “prison of victimhood.” The victimization felt early on moves into our identities and takes up residence.

The alternative is to take on the process of what’s called post-traumatic growth. We face the reality of our victimization, feel our way through it, release it, and transform ourselves based on what we’ve learned and how we’ve grown.

This doesn’t mean that we’re not changed by painful experiences. We are, and to pretend otherwise is to take flight from reality. The work is to accept that we can’t always avoid suffering or adversity, but we can use it to transform ourselves in ways that acknowledge our worth, our responsibility, our accountability, and our freedom.

People who use adversity for growth “may remain emotionally affected, but their sense of self, views on life, priorities, goals for the future, and their behaviors have been reconfigured in positive ways in light of their experiences” (Joseph, Stephen. What Doesn’t Kill Us. Basic Books.)

This is what’s meant by post-traumatic growth and the personal transformation that follows traumatic victimization.

By the way, victimization doesn’t need to be severe to be felt, and it’s not always at the hands of someone else committing some type of abuse. Loss of a relationship, loved one, or even a job feels like victimization and, in fact, is. Any time you feel emotionally sucker-punched, you have a choice to cave into the victimization or make use of it to regroup and transform. Everything that happens to us in life can be used for our personal evolution.

To facilitate the growth option, Dr. Eger advises us to start with the right question:

Instead of asking “Why me?”, ask “What now?”

Then go about sorting through your emotions and your thoughts (all of them – no suppression), and finally release them. Use everything you’ve experienced to examine where you are and what’s next for you.

Now For You

If you think you’re stuck in a victimization mode, I would highly recommend reading The Gift. Even if you aren’t, read it anyway. It’s very therapeutic!

You may also wish to read What Doesn’t Kill Us by Stephen Joseph, especially if you’re struggling with post-traumatic stress.

For a quick article on victimization, you might like Victim Consciousness: 6 Ways to Overcome It.

Lots of food for thought today! Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Guilt is one of those words that can seem ambiguous depending on how you use it and what you mean by it.

It usually refers to a feeling of regret, and sometimes great regret, for having done something wrong or something that doesn’t align with your values. This is especially true if the thing done causes harm or pain to someone.

Making mistakes, and even sometimes hurting others, is unavoidable. Feeling guilty is a normal response to these situations and signals the need for damage control, but how you go about that depends on how you respond to the guilt itself.

There are two responses to guilt: shame and remorse.

You can feel them both at the same time, but they have different origins and different outcomes. One is a healthy response that ultimately helps you grow and learn, and the other is a self-defeating response that can move you toward destructive behavior.

I’m sure you’ve already figured out that the healthy one is remorse, and the self-defeating one is shame.

Let’s go through the differences. I’ll start with remorse.

Remorse is the recognition of a mistake you’ve made, or some wrong you’ve committed that rubs against your conscience. You feel truly sorry.

In her book The Gift, author Edith Eger says of remorse: “It’s more akin to grief.”

You accept that you’ve committed an action you can’t take back or undo, and you feel sad about it. You do your best to repair or make amends, or if you can’t do that directly, you vow to correct the mistake in any future dealings or actions.

Remorse, like shame, has a strong element of regret, but there’s also acceptance and self-compassion.

With remorse you:

1. Accept that you’re not perfect and you make mistakes, even big ones sometimes.
2. Feel empathy for anyone you may have hurt or caused pain.
3. Focus on making amends or repairing the damage.
4. Learn from the mistake by changing the course of your future behavior, and making better choices.
5. Allow the sadness that comes up, but don’t turn it inward and beat yourself up.
6. Treat yourself with compassion while still feeling regret and grief.

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Shame is different. It’s an indictment of your unworthiness.

With shame you:

1. Believe you’re unworthy and “bad.”
2. Believe that less than perfect is not enough.
3. Beat yourself up in reaction to mistakes, relentlessly.
4. Often hide or withdraw.
5. Or conversely, blame someone or something else for the mistake.
6. Don’t allow yourself to make amends or repair, because the shame is overwhelming and it’s all you can see or feel.
7. Or, you overwhelm the hurt party with your feelings of shame by oversharing how badly you feel.

The tricky thing about shame is that it moves the focus from repairing and empathizing with the injured party to indulging in self-destructive thoughts and feelings (and sometimes behavior). Instead of attending to making reparations, you attend to withdrawing into a pit of self-flagellation.

Without meaning to, the attention is drawn back toward you, and away from the person that’s the victim of your error.

Shame is like depression. It’s isolating. It separates you from yourself. It’s like locking yourself up in solitary confinement and disconnecting from everything and everyone, including you.

Remorse keeps you connected, because it’s based on acceptance of the idea that we all make mistakes, and all have to deal with the outcomes of those mistakes while also learning from them and repairing what we can as we go along.

We’re not bad, but we do bad things sometimes. The silver lining is that we can recover and grow from these experiences.

Here’s what to do when you feel guilty about something.

• Admit fully to yourself what you did. Own the mistake and don’t blame it on someone or something else.
• Let yourself feel sad about it. Don’t try and shut off those feelings. Let them run their course.
• Speak to yourself with the same kind of compassion you would to a friend or loved one who was confessing the same mistake.
• Once you’ve allowed your emotions to settle a bit, put on your thinking cap and decide what if anything you can do to make amends or repair. If you need help with this, talk to someone who can help you process your emotions and think through the problem.
• Then act on it. Do what you can.
• Finally, review what you’ve learned and what you’ll do next time to avoid making the same mistake.
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Here’s what not to do.

• Ruminate on how unworthy you are.
• Create narratives that absolve you of responsibility such as blaming someone else.
• Withdraw, or conversely, lash out at someone to avoid the guilt feelings.
• Let it sit and take no action to make amends or repair.
• Repeat the same mistakes over and over again.
• Turn the attention toward your self-defeating feelings and away from empathizing with the person who was harmed. This will make you feel much worse, and just increase your shame.
• Engage in some sort of self-destructive behavior that will have it’s own negative repercussions.

One last word about guilt.

Most of what I’ve pointed out is dependent upon you actually being responsible for some action that would naturally bring on a feeling of guilt. However, sometimes we feel guilty for actions that don’t belong to us.

In these cases, our guilt is misplaced. We take responsibility for someone else’s actions, or their mistakes, or their feelings. Or we imagine that we’ve done something that hurts someone and in reality, we’re fantasizing that.

If you’re not sure, question your thoughts about why you’re feeling guilty, and question the scenario playing in your head. You can always check it out with the other party. For example, if you think you’ve hurt someone’s feelings by something you said, and you’re feeling guilty about it, make sure that’s the case. Ask.

But, if someone is twisting the facts of the situation to project their stuff onto you, recognize that and don’t feel guilty.

Some of us take on far more guilt than is warranted, and some of us don’t react enough with remorse for things we’ve done. You can always question and get confirmation if need be.

If you’d like to read up more on this subject, I would suggest Daring Greatly by Brené Brown (Chapter 3), and The Gift by Edith Eger (Chapter 5).

That’s all for now! Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

The term “positive thinking” has become so mainstream that you hear it everywhere – on social media, in meetings at work, from your friends, at the gym, on TV, and in the grocery store.

You might even have had the experience of feeling pressured to say something in a positive manner, or squash that negative feeling you’re having before you speak.

Today I want to talk about what it really means, what it doesn’t mean, and when it’s actually helpful. Let’s start with the good. Most of what I’m listing here comes from positive psychology. (See Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman.)

The Good

Focus on Strengths and Virtues

Positive thinking is both an attitude and an approach. It’s based on working from our strengths instead of deficits, and engaging in activities that embrace our virtues and build character.

Virtues include things like kindness, altruism, empathy, connection, authenticity, conscience, and responsibility. These are foundational aspects of character.

Strengths include things like the capacity to love, ability to think critically, open-mindedness, love of learning, sense of purpose, future-mindedness, curiosity, and leadership.

Positive psychology focuses on growth by helping someone to recognize and use their personal strengths and virtues, while continually working to sharpen them.

What differentiates positive psychology from other approaches is that it doesn’t work from the disease model which focuses on what’s wrong, and then goes about fixing it. It starts with what’s right and builds on that. It focuses on personal assets rather than personal dysfunctions.

True positive thinkers also make use of adversity. They don’t expect everything to be easy, or expect to avoid challenges and problems.

They embrace the value of these experiences and see them as opportunities to learn, grow, and improve. They view obstacles as both temporary and as part of the natural unfolding and evolution of life that can be used for problem-solving and personal growth.

The objectives of positive psychology are:

• To actively build your character through the practice of virtues and the exercise of your personal strengths.
• To face adversity and use it to evolve, learn and grow.
• To know that all circumstances are temporary, and that situations that are difficult and painful pass.
• To approach life with a sense of purpose, gratitude, appreciation, compassion and connection.
• To have faith in your ability to overcome obstacles.
• To pay attention to the beauty in the world.
• To be both flexible and present, with hope for the future.

The benefits are:

• Slows aging and promotes a longer life span.
• Associated with a stronger immune system.
• Reduces stress and keeps your heart healthier, especially when used with meditative practices and gratitude.
• Reduces depression.
• Enhances social connection.
• Increases productivity, and creates more positive work environments.
• Longer and better marriages.
• More resilience under stressful situations.
• Better able to make decisions, both everyday decisions and those made under pressure.

The Bad

Avoidance

Sometimes positive thinkers misuse or misinterpret this approach to avoid recognizing and dealing with adversity, such as:

– not paying attention to a chronic medical problem that needs treatment,
– or not confronting a relationship issue that if ignored will eventually cause a permanent rift,
– or not looking at your finances until you have no money left and no means to pay your bills.

Positive thinking should not be used to pretend things are fine when they’re not. It also should not be interchanged with wishful or magical thinking. When people use the phrase “Just think positive!” to avoid dealing with a problem, they’ve moved into the realm of magical thinking. “If I think it, it is.”

Emotional Denial and Suppression

Positive thinking is also used sometimes to suppress real emotions that are negative in nature. We have both positive and negative emotions. You can’t have one without the other, and each serves a purpose, and each is a natural expression or reaction to an experience.

Life is fraught with loss which precedes growth and rebirth. Negative emotions are a part of this process.

Suppressing them, or pretending they’re not there, is a real problem, because they don’t go away. They just go underground and surface in some other form later, often snowballing. The problem is that when you suppress or deny your negative feelings, you lose control over how they manifest. Often you’re not even aware of the connection between what you suppressed and what later comes about.

Suppression keeps you stuck and prevents you from working through emotional issues and dysfunctional behavior patterns.

More importantly, negative emotions are not “bad!” They serve a purpose, and used correctly can initiate and encourage growth.

They’re a part of learning the lessons and making the necessary transitions that come from the experience of adversity and loss.

A good positive thinker will allow her negative emotions to surface, allow herself to feel them, and give them the time they need to be fully expressed. Only then can she make use of them for learning and growth. That’s working from your strengths. Emotional suppression is not a strength. It’s avoidance.

Sometimes we need to see what’s wrong.

It’s true that if we’re only working from the disease model (what’s wrong), we may not notice what’s going well, and make use of our strengths to help us push forward.

By the same token, sometimes we have to attend to what’s wrong because it’s hanging us up. We need to recognize dysfunctional patterns that are impeding our progress, and are in need of correction and healing. This is the work of psychodynamic therapy.

Optimally, both positive psychology (using our strengths to grow) and psychodynamic therapy (correcting our dysfunctions through insight) can be used together for the best outcomes.

The Conclusion??

Positive thinking is a good thing if not used to avoid issues, or suppress negative emotions, or ignore dysfunctional emotional patterns that stem from early experiences in your family of origin, or from trauma.

Positive thinking does help you build your character and take advantage of your strengths. It does power you forward to overcome obstacles. It does increase your faith in yourself, as well as your appreciation and gratitude for what you have right now – but, only if you use it correctly. So do that, and you’ll reap the benefits.

A note: If you’re interested in knowing more about this subject, go to www.authentichappiness.org. You’ll find resources you can use, as well as some questionnaires you can fill out to gauge your personal strengths. I took the VIA Survey of Character Strengths which was helpful and interesting. It’s long – 240 multiple choice questions – but it gives you a lot of information and it’s free. You do have to create a login for yourself. There are many other questionnaires on the site besides this one that might interest you.

That’s all for this week! Hope you have a “positive” week:)

All my best,

Barbara