Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by Fokusiert, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Shame is one of those emotions that’s extremely uncomfortable. Imagine this scenario:

You’re sitting in a meeting, and your boss calls you out for being late on an assignment. You get that “deer in headlights” feeling. You can’t breathe, and you can feel your face burning as you blush. Your stomach drops, and you get a lump in your throat. All eyes are on you. You feel anxious and paralyzed simultaneously, and worst of all, you feel shame.

Have you had an experience like this? I have, and it’s awful.

When something like this happens, there are three reactions you can have. One helps you regroup and recover, and the other two draw you deeper in. I’ll go over those last two first, and then we’ll talk about the best way to handle it.

Response #1: Attack yourself to justify the shame.

In this case, you engage in a full-on attack of yourself. You assign your entire sense of worth to a single incident or specific characterization of who you are, and then sink into it. It’s a very all-or-nothing exercise in self-condemnation. The lower you go, the more shame you feel. In the case above, you might think to yourself:

“I’m totally irresponsible, unreliable, lazy, and inept. I probably deserve to be fired. I’m so stupid! I can’t do anything right!”

Response #2: Blame someone else to pass on the shame.

In this case, you get defensive and angry and try to justify yourself by ruminating about how you’ve been mistreated or are a victim of circumstances. Again in our scenario above, you might think:

“My boss is a jerk to embarrass me like that in front of everyone. He loves to have power and control! I didn’t have enough time to get that assignment done and he knows it, but he doesn’t like me, so he decided to call me out. Besides, I do great work! He’s lucky I haven’t quit already, but maybe I will!”

What’s Happening

In both cases, you’re playing hot potato and trying to move the emotions either deeper where you can get some leverage over them, or expel them outward and discharge them so you can disown them.

Sometimes we do both and ping-pong back and forth between self-blame and other-blame. One moment you blame the boss and ruminate about how he mistreated you, but then, you circle back around to yourself and think:

“Maybe he’s right, and it’s all me. I must be the problem!”

This is called the shame-blame circle, and it can be relentless and painful.

Why Shame Feels So Shattering

We treat shame like a hot potato because it shatters our sense of self.

At its core, shame is non-acceptance of who we are – or aren’t. Underneath the pile of emotions is a sense of unworthiness, inadequacy, and failure.

During moments of intense shame, we might have thoughts of wanting to disappear and not be. We feel like we shouldn’t exist. People say things like,

“I wish the Earth would just open up and swallow me.”

So what can we do to find some perspective that will help us through these moments?

Here’s the short-list.

1) When you feel it, acknowledge it and sit with it.

Don’t try to avoid it. Allow yourself to feel it and wait it out before reacting. After you’ve had some time to calm down, you can go back and review the situation you were in that led to the feeling.

2) Ask yourself if there’s something you need to repair, improve, or adjust.

Shame and guilt go hand in hand, especially when you’ve done something that caused someone else distress or upset. In these cases, it’s best to focus on repairing the situation rather than sinking into the shame.

Using our scenario, what could you do to make amends?

If the boss was right and you were late on your assignment, then you could complete it and take it to him, apologize for being late, and let him know what you plan to do to avoid being late in the future.

You might figure out a better way of tracking your work to be more timely, or if you’re overwhelmed and have too much on your plate, you might ask for a meeting with your boss to discuss what you can do to alleviate that problem.

In either case, you’re setting aside your feelings of shame to make amends, and by doing that, you’ll both feel better and repair the problem.

3) Take responsibility for your feelings regardless of how they were initiated.

Some people take pleasure in shaming others, which they do through condescension and dismissiveness.

When you’re around people like this, you might feel shame even if you didn’t do anything to bring attention to yourself. This is particularly true if you’re more sensitive to rejection or already have doubts about your worthiness.

Just keep in mind that no one can make you feel shame unless you accept their faulty view of you and take it in as your own. You have the power to reject projections that don’t belong to you and the power to accept who you are, imperfections and all.

4) Keep things in perspective.

One of the issues human beings have is a stubborn refusal to accept that things go wrong.

We all say we accept that things go wrong, and we even go so far as to say we expect it, but we don’t really. Underneath is that belief that things should be easy, we should be happy, and things should go right.

This is true even of the worst “scrooge.”

The antidote to this ingrained belief is to keep yourself flexible and approach stressful situations with a little humor and lightness. It’s like being a fielder in baseball not knowing where the ball’s going to go, but keeping your knees bent and your body loose so you can pivot in whatever direction you need to field it. Even then, you might make an error and have to run after it to retrieve it.

Fix what you need to fix, but wrap your emotional arms around yourself and say,

“I’m okay.”I can keep working and get better, but I’m okay.”

5) Be your authentic self.

Shame happens when you try to be someone you’re not, and then don’t succeed. When you accept who you are and make friends with yourself, you can handle making mistakes without beating yourself up. It’s very freeing!

It’s helpful to review your beliefs about who you are, what you value, and what your traits and personal characteristics look like. Check that list for validity. Are you parroting someone else’s “shoulds” you got growing up that don’t really ring true for you?

Make sure that you reflect what you know about yourself, and embrace that, warts and all.

You have the power to become more authentic and the power to prevent other people from defining you. Strive for excellence, yes, but your excellence, not someone else’s.

Authenticity is the most attractive human quality. That’s because it’s honest and trustworthy. What you see is what you get, and that’s relieving. It’s also accessible. Authentic people are easy to be around and connect with, whereas perfection is off-putting.

Last Thought

Since we’re coming up on Thanksgiving, you might think about who and what you’re grateful for, and be sure to include yourself in the mix.

I hope you have a wonderful holiday!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by FluxFactory, Courtesy of iStock Photo

No one can escape having something bad happen at some time or other in their life. We live on a seesaw that can’t remain in one position. It goes up and down, and we go up and down with it. It’s just the way things are. The choice we have is in how we respond.

My favorite quote that speaks to this predicament comes from Dr. Seuss. He says:

“When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.”

Obviously, the best choice is to let it strengthen you. But what exactly does that mean?

It might mean just plowing straight ahead and keeping yourself steady as you take action to make repairs. Or it might mean not falling into a victim mode and repeatedly replaying the lament “Why me?” It could also mean taking time out to extract something of value you can use to take your next steps in a meaningful way that lends greater purpose to your life.

All these could occur simultaneously, but the one I want to focus on today is the last one. The question is:

Even in the worst of events that disrupt your life and create emotional pain, what can you take from it that provides some added purpose to keep going?

Here are some examples of people who have done this very well.

The man who, as a child, was brutally beaten and experienced many broken bones and bruises at the hands of an abusive stepfather became a world-renowned surgeon that helps put people’s broken bodies back together after physical trauma.

The parent who lost a child in a school shooting took up the cause of gun control.

The victim of an accident became a paraplegic and went on to champion medical research in the area of paralysis.

In each of these cases, the events that were horrific and totally disruptive to each person’s life were used to refocus on a new purpose that would benefit others.

I would hope as I write this that nothing that traumatic happens to any of you, but we do all experience unexpected downturns or negative events that sometimes stop us in our tracks and make us re-evaluate our lives.

Here’s the silver lining I see in these events, and how to use them in a way that makes something good out of something bad.

New Insights Gained

When I was in my early 30s, I became ill. It was out of the blue, and at first, seemed like something that would go away in a couple of months. However, it dragged on and on and slowly receded over about five years. There was no treatment at the time, and most physicians I approached just passed it off as depression, even though I knew this was not the case. It disrupted my life. I was early in my career and I had to quit working, pack up my stuff, and move home with my parents.

It was hard – certainly – but it gave me a lot of time to think!

As I dealt with the physical reality and disruptive aspects of the experience, emotional insights sprung up that sharpened things which ultimately were very helpful. For starters, the whole experience humbled me. It made me have sympathy for people who are disabled – in a real way. It made me want to listen to people with an open mind and not put everyone in a diagnostic box, as my physicians had done with me. It gave me understanding and empathy for older people whose bodies betray them as they age. I understood pain in a way I hadn’t before, and I became a much better listener.

As it turns out, I had a bad case of the Epstein-Barr virus which at that time was barely on the medical radar. There’s a lot more known about it today.

Although I wouldn’t wish to go through that again, I’m grateful for those insights I gained because they’ve permanently and positively affected how I work with people. And, I may never have had them without this experience.

Need for Connection

Negative experiences are isolating. They bring your life to a halt and focus you inward. In contrast, the world just keeps going.

You go to the grocery store and everyone appears to be going about their lives as though everything’s all right, but for you, nothing is right. You’re in a different space, and no one else sees it. You feel apart.

These events sharpen the need for connection. You feel vulnerable.

If you have a partner, good friends, or family, you may find that you need them more right now. If you’ve been in a broken relationship for a long time, you may feel pushed to re-evaluate.

Being vulnerable can be the impetus for seeking greater intimacy and connection, and conversely evaluating and letting go of relationships that drain you or are destructive. Either way, our connections are a significant part of our lives, and setting them right sooner than later is a benefit of being forced to take a look at them.

Permanent Change in Habits

Learning in hindsight is better than not learning at all. Negative experiences can be wake-up calls, or they can provide awareness of changes you need to make but have ignored or put on the back burner.

In my case with the illness I had, I started studying nutrition with a vengeance. Ultimately, I changed my dietary and exercise habits forever. I quit smoking, started eating clean, and doing mild exercise as soon as possible. I have continued to tweak my diet and exercise routines over years to maintain my health.

Experiencing something life-changing that’s painful usually brings with it a desire to take preventative measures or carve new paths to help avoid similar experiences again.

Sharpening Your Focus on What’s Important

In the daily stress of life, we shrink down to the minutiae of everyday living. Over time, we spend less and less time thinking in big pictures, or focusing on higher aspirations, or being aware of the passing of time. We’re heavily in the habitual grind, which makes it difficult to keep an awareness of what’s most important to us.

An unexpected bad event pulls us right out of that for a time and makes us question where we are. It sharpens our awareness of time, and how much we have, and what we’re doing with it. It stops us and forces us to question why we’re here. What’s our purpose, and what do we need to do to move in that direction while we still have time?

It’s like doing that exercise where you ask yourself what you would do if you had only five years or three years or one year left to live?

• How would you spend your time?
• What would you try to accomplish?
• Who would you spend your time with?

Sometimes you might ask these questions without a push from some life-altering event, and if so, keep asking. But all too often we wait until we get that shove. Don’t wait. Ask it now.

And, when bad things happen, give yourself time to work through the initial pain, and then gather your insights and refocus on what’s most important to you.

That’s all for today. I’d love to hear about your experiences. Please leave a comment below.

I hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by globalmoments, Courtesy of Stock Photo

We all have regrets. Most of the time, we can let them go and move on, but there are those sticky regrets that keep coming up and hold us hostage. These are the ones we need some help to resolve.

There are two versions of this kind of regret that seem particularly difficult to reconcile:

1. We caused harm to someone with our actions or behaved in a way that was destructive to either someone else or ourselves.
2. We passed up an opportunity that, in retrospect, feels like a wrong turn in our lives that we can’t go back and recoup.

In both cases, the feeling is unresolved pain and lament. We feel like there’s no way to recover, and in the case of the first one, no mercy or forgiveness.

Regrets keep us in the past and inhibit our engagement in the present.

It helps to look at how we perpetuate this and, using that knowledge, how we can change that trajectory and make use of our regrets rather than let them hold us back.

Let’s start with the narratives we create.

Our Repetitive Narratives

Regrets continue to have life because we create repetitive narratives that confirm our stories about what happened and how we feel about it. Maybe you cheated on your spouse and lost your marriage, or you did something on the job that derailed your career. You might have always wanted to be a physician but instead got pregnant in your late teens and had to give up going to college.

Regrets stay alive because we repeat the stories in our heads. We elaborate and exaggerate. We spend a lot of time blaming ourselves or others or circumstances for why we feel the way we do now. Often we pile on self-loathing or self-hatred.

The Idealized Self

At the foundation level of our narratives is our attachment to an idealized view of who we are and who we should be. We all have an ego-ideal which is our composite concept of a good and worthy human being.

When we use our ego-ideal in a healthy way, we see it as something to strive for, and we take pleasure in working at it through a process of successes and failures and learned lessons.

When we use it in an unhealthy way, we hold ourselves to a perfect image and regret any deviations or mistakes along the way.

Regrets represent our resistance to the necessity of learning through errors and experiences of failure. We’re not perfect. Life is about growth and learning – not arriving.

We’re always a work in progress.

We are, by nature, developmental. This is a fundamental concept because it elucidates the ever-changing capacities we have as we age.

Your teen self doesn’t have the maturity and know-how that your 40-year-old self has, and your 40-year old self doesn’t have the emotional wisdom and appreciation of life’s gifts that your 70-year old self has.

This means it’s futile to beat yourself up for things you thought and did at earlier stages of development. You might wish you had made different choices, but regretting them by heaping on self-criticism and hatred or punishment just keeps you there.

You have to accept and embrace the reality that life is evolutionary and requires constant learning and adjustments as we move forward. It’s impossible to avoid making mistakes, and regrets are part of that, but they also present the opportunity to learn the lessons offered.

So this brings us to the third problem.

Avoidance of Engagement in the Present

As long as you keep yourself focused on past mistakes, you avoid fully engaging in the present. You become a victim of your narratives and wittingly or unwittingly tell yourself you can’t be happy, can’t move on, can’t succeed, and can’t get over what happened before.

Part of the problem is that you think that if you let go, you’re absolving yourself of guilt. If the regret is about someone you hurt, you feel you’re forgetting what you did and forgetting the pain you caused.

If you passed up an opportunity, you think you’re letting go of a dream that’s been a central part of your self-image, and therefore you’re caving to failure and accepting you’ll never be who you wanted to be.

The problem is that you can’t make use of opportunities you have now, or fully engage in relationships now, or live up to the responsibilities you have now if you’re living in your past narrative.

Here’s what you can do.

Consider your developmental age.

Recognize that you’re wiser now than you were then, and make use of what you’ve learned. Take the time to admit, review, and evaluate your mistake, and recognize the lesson or lessons learned. What can you take forward?

Forgive yourself.

This is the most important one. Forgiveness is a form of humility. It’s an acceptance that you aren’t perfect and will and do make mistakes. Here are some things you might try:

1. If the regret has to do with harm you caused someone, then make amends. Do it in person if you can, and if not, then in your mind. Write it out, and tell them how sorry you are and why. As you write, visualize that person listening to you. Sometimes it helps to get a journal or notebook and keep your notes.
2. If the regret is related to a missed opportunity, re-evaluate where you are right now and look at the positives of where you landed. What did you gain by taking a different direction? What have you learned? I wanted to study music in college but ended up doing something entirely different because circumstances presented themselves in such a way that prevented the direction I had in mind. In retrospect, it was the right path and has allowed me to do work I had not previously known I would love.

Move on.

Once you truly forgive yourself, then it’s time to move on. Take stock of where you are and where you’d like to go.

• How can you fully engage in your life?
• What are your responsibilities, and what can you do to meet them?
• What changes would you like to make?

The best way to absolve guilt is to repair and do better. That’s all we can do. We aren’t gods. We’re fallible human beings, but fortunately, one of our greatest capacities is to learn from mistakes. That’s where we should leave our regrets.

Have a wonderful week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by fizkes, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Overwhelm is such an uncomfortable state of mind. No one likes it, and why would they? It’s painful!

More importantly, it can seem impossible to lift yourself out of it and get moving again.

Two feeling states usually accompany overwhelm. You might feel one or the other or fluctuate back and forth between the two. They are:

1. Agitated paralysis. You feel like you can’t move. You might sit and stare into space yet feel restless at the same time. Sometimes people go to sleep to escape or binge-watch TV or engage in anything that moves them away from that state of agitated limbo.
2. Anxiety. In this case, you’re actively anxious. You can’t sit still, can’t focus on anything, your mind races, and your thoughts tumble over each other. You catastrophize, thinking far into the future about the demise of your life or your goals or your relationships. It’s dark.

So what do you do to get out of this?

You can’t think your way out.

Overwhelm originates in your mind, so trying to use your mind to get you out of it usually fails. There’s too much mental static in the way.

You have to distract yourself with something that focuses you and break up the paralysis. I want to share my favorite strategy with you because it’s usually quite effective. I’ve used it many times myself, as have my clients, with success.

Here’s how you do it:

1. Select three small, doable tasks. These can be as simple as folding one load of laundry, making one phone call, returning one email, making your bed – whatever seems super easy and won’t take more than 10 or 15 minutes.
2. Write these three tasks on three separate pieces of paper. Just take one sheet and cut or tear it into three parts, or you can use index cards if you have them.
3. Pick one and put that piece of paper face up in front of you. Put the other two face down somewhere else, like on your desk or kitchen counter.
4. Make yourself do that one thing. It doesn’t matter if you feel like it or not. You don’t have to be energized by it or care all that much about it. You just have to do it.
5. Then repeat this process with the next two.

Once you’ve completed all three, you should feel some shift in your mood. You probably won’t feel like jumping up and down with joy yet, but there should be a tiny beam of light coming into focus.

Take that emotional energy and create a new list of three more tasks to do. Make this list right now, even if you don’t intend to do them until tomorrow. Having the list ready will set you up for success the next day. And again, put each task on a separate piece of paper or index card.

Now reward yourself with something that soothes you and is enjoyable. Maybe it’s having a good dinner or watching your favorite TV show or visiting with a friend. It should be something small but satisfying, and something not self-destructive like drinking a bottle of wine.

Let yourself feel good about the three things you accomplished, and don’t allow your mind to go back to frenetic catastrophizing.

You CAN get everything you need to accomplish done by doing only one thing at a time and not looking ahead more than three tasks into the future.

The effects of working this way are:

• You begin to whittle down your gigantic to-do list.
• You gain momentum, and things seem more manageable.
• Your mood shifts.
• You break up your paralysis.

“Okay, that’s great. I’m out of my current state of overwhelm, but how can I apply this to more challenging tasks?”

Let’s check that out.

What’s next?

Next is to take what you’ve learned and use it to tackle bigger things.

The three essential lessons are:

1. Taking action rather than thinking about taking action creates momentum.
2. Doing minimal tasks that take little time and effort is the best way to start.
3. Doing one thing at a time and blocking everything else out increases your success rate.

Using these ideas, you can approach your more complex tasks without getting overwhelmed. The key is to:

Break everything down into the smallest, most doable units of work so that you don’t resist doing it.

There are three methods you can use.

1) You can work on a time basis.

This means working for specific amounts of time as opposed to working by the task.

There’s a technique that uses this strategy called the Pomodoro Technique. You choose a task, figure out the total time it will take, and then begin doing it by working in 25 minute periods. Work 25 minutes – take a 5-minute break – work 25 minutes – take a 5-minute break – and so on until you’ve completed four total sessions or 2 hours. Then take a 30-minute break before starting again or doing something else.

This is helpful for tasks you want to stay focused on until finished.

You can also choose a specific amount of time to work and complete it without adding a second. For example, you might decide to write for 30 minutes today and 30 tomorrow. In this case, time is the primary measure – not the task.

2) You can work on a task basis.

You create a list of tasks and make them small enough not to seem overwhelming. Using the same method we used above – write each task on a single piece of paper and finish doing one before viewing the next one.

You can do this daily, which I recommend because your task list stays on the smaller side, and you can also do it weekly yet still only focus on one day at a time.

Keeping a long list in front of you at all times has the effect of crowding your mind and overwhelming you.

Some people like to put a large whiteboard on the wall and list everything that needs to be done for the next 6 months to a year. This can be extremely overwhelming. You can make that long list, but keep it tucked away and only pull it out when you need to add to your daily or weekly list.

3) The hybrid.

This method combines the use of time and tasks. Schedule a time block, and list what you think you can accomplish in that time. This limits your time consumption which is helpful because you know you’ll only be working for a specific amount of time. But it also keeps you focused on the tasks you prioritize as most important. Just remember to break your tasks down into their smallest components.

How do you choose?

You’ll know what works best by staying aware of when you begin to feel overwhelmed. When that happens, drop back to smaller lists, smaller time segments, and smaller tasks.

That’ll do it for today. I hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by dragana991, Courtesy of iStock Photos

Have you had a relationship with someone that regularly takes advantage of you, demands or cajoles you into giving and giving and giving, and gives little to nothing back? People who do this drain you. They’ll take everything you’ve got and still be discontent and complain. They want more.

The problem is they’re never satisfied.

If you meet their demands, they might temporarily seem content, but in no time, they create a new situation that requires another outpouring of attention and care. There’s no end.

Unfortunately, these situations occur most in close relationships. Spouses, adult children, parents, or close friends are the most likely culprits of this kind of behavior.

So what do you do if you find yourself in this place?

There are two parts to this:

1. Recognize and confirm for yourself that this is happening.
2. Apply boundaries to see if the relationship is viable, or decide if you need to leave.

Let’s go through them both.

Raise your awareness of what’s happening.

One of the difficulties of being in relationships like this is that you become enclosed and cut off. By that, I mean that you spend most of your time reckoning with the other person’s demands and diminish your access to other people.

The effects of this are that you find yourself questioning your perceptions. You make excuses for the other person. Or maybe you chastise yourself and think you aren’t giving enough. You may go back and forth between feeling guilty and being resentful and angry.

Most people who take advantage in this way know all of this and cash in on it. As long as you feel a sense of responsibility and guilt, the behavior continues.

Ask these questions to help clarify what you likely already know:

• What do I get from this person that’s of value to me?
• Is this person concerned about my well-being, my feelings, or my needs?
• Does this person check in with me about how I’m doing?
• Do they get angry, or pout, or manipulate if I’m not meeting every demand?
• Would this person ever take care of me the way I’m taking care of them?
• Do they make real efforts to take care of their own needs?
• Do they sabotage themselves (and you) by not taking responsibility for themselves?

In a good relationship, there is reciprocity of concern, and both people have respect for the other and care about the other’s well-being.

Sometimes, one person needs more temporarily, but always the pendulum swings back the other way. You trust that give and take will always be there because you each value the other’s happiness.

With people who drain you, there’s no give and take. They’ll drain you dry and ask for more and make you feel guilty if you can’t find more to give. They’re heavily dependent.

It’s crucial as a first step to truly see what’s going on and know that you’re being taken advantage of, used, and likely manipulated. If you don’t get clear on this, you’ll fall back into feeling guilty and continue on.

It helps to talk to someone you trust who can be objective. A friend is fine if they’re able to let you speak without overriding your feelings with their own. A therapist is always a good option.

Now for the second part.

Do I stay or leave?

There are two things you can do.

1. The first one is to begin setting boundaries.
2. The second is to make a decision to leave the relationship.

Let’s start with boundaries.

Setting Boundaries

You may feel that you can’t leave the relationship. For instance, if the problem exists with an adult child, you will likely feel very uncomfortable cutting the relationship off. You may even feel that way with a spouse or other family member.

In this case, setting boundaries is the best option. You want to see if you can salvage the relationship. Sometimes a needy person will change their behavior to avoid the loss.

I would suggest getting a journal for this so you can write out your thoughts and ideas. Start by getting very clear on:

• What expectations of you are unreasonable?
• What behaviors on the other person’s part are contributing to the problem and could be changed if they were willing?
• What behaviors on your part are contributing to the problem?
• If you could change the relationship to reflect mutual respect and concern, what would that look like? Get very specific. What would it take for you to feel comfortable and “good” in this relationship

Once you have a handle on all of that, have a frank conversation with this person. Calmly spell out your feelings and thoughts about what changes you need to see made and why. Describe in detail what expectations you have in terms of new behaviors and cooperative efforts on both your parts.

Don’t blame or accuse.

Use “I” statements only and speak of what you need and what you won’t allow. If the relationship is viable, the other person will respect what you have to say even if they don’t agree right away. Some people say no before they say yes, and that’s all right as long as the changes come along.

For you, the hard part is to hold the line. You’re battling patterns that have become institutionalized in your relationship and likely come from your history. A good outcome will include negotiation and consideration on both your parts as you seek to make real changes. Again, I would suggest some counseling to help you work through the process.

Leaving the Relationship

Most of the time, we try to salvage the relationship before deciding to leave it. Occasionally, you’re already there and don’t need to think about it, or something happens that pushes you to that point, and you make the decision to leave.

Some relationships are much easier to leave. For example, if you have a friend who has been the taker in the relationship for a long time without giving you much back, you might more easily decide to stop interacting or spending time with this person.

A marriage or family relationship is different and takes more thought. These are harder to navigate, and if you’re struggling, you really should seek some counseling.

Things To Remember

Here are several things to keep in mind that might help:

1. Real love is holding those dear to you accountable for their behavior.
2. Self-respect comes from setting boundaries with others against manipulation, being used, or being abused.
3. Relationships that last are characterized by mutual respect and concern for each other’s well-being. It can’t be a one-way street.
4. Everyone is ultimately responsible for themselves. It’s up to each of us to do all within our power to take care of ourselves and to consider the feelings and needs of those we love.

That’s all for today. I hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by Avel Chuklanov on Unsplash

I recently finished an online course called Time Genius, created and taught by Marie Forleo. I took the course because I struggle with getting overwhelmed by the many tasks I need to do daily that interfere with working on my most important goals.

The course was packed with loads of valuable tools, and today I want to share one of them with you that’s had a surprisingly significant impact on my productivity while also decreasing feelings of overwhelm. I’m hoping you can try it too and get the same results.

Do the most important work first.

Based on one of the strategies offered in the course, I decided to start scheduling my most demanding and important work first up each day. For me, that’s writing and researching. It’s brain work that requires consistent focus and heavy engagement.

Let me give you one example of how this has worked.

For years, I’ve cooked every Friday morning for 3 or 4 hours to have food ready for the week. Afterward, I usually take a quick lunch break and then write for several hours before closing out the workday.

I decided to flip-flop that day and begin with writing. I blocked out a 4-hour period from 9 am to 1 pm and worked diligently until the time was up. Then I followed with a lunch break and did my cooking in the afternoon.

Surprisingly, I found that I was at least five times more productive writing in that morning block than in the afternoons. No exaggeration! Probably more! Even more surprising, I enjoyed cooking much more later in the day and did it faster, leaving time for answering emails and other busywork.

This one switch has made a massive difference in writing output, and as you can guess, I’m using this strategy on other days of the week as much as possible.

Deep Work

Writing, or any creative endeavor, or any work that requires intense focus, is called Deep Work. This description comes from Cal Newport in his book of the same title. He defines deep work as:

Professional activities performed in a state of distraction-free concentration that push our cognitive capabilities to their limit. These efforts create new value, improve your skill, and are hard to replicate.

This type of engagement requires all of you and demands pulling out everything you’ve got. That’s why we resist it. We know it’s going to be taxing. However, once you get all the way in, you can get into that state of flow, which feels almost effortless. It’s making yourself set aside the time, sit down, and start that’s difficult.

Newport has several ideas about how to get consistent, and I learned more about these in Time Genius. I’m going to briefly list them for you so you can try them yourself.

1) Select a set time block.

Select the time of day that’s your energy sweet spot. It’s when you feel the most clear-minded, fresh, energized, and productive. For most people, it’s morning, but some do best in the afternoon or evening.

Next, create a time block you know you can commit to, and set it on your calendar. Keep in mind that most of us can only engage in 3 to 4 hours of deep work per day, and for some, it’s less. I usually set aside 4 hours if I’ve got the time. If not, I might set aside 2 hours or even an hour and a half if that’s all I have. My best time is morning, so I always set up time blocks in the AM.

2) Plan your work agenda ahead.

It’s imperative to know ahead of time what you’re going to do during your time block. If you don’t know, you’ll waste a good bit of energy and time upfront deciding. You may have different types of deep work you need to do on different days, or you do the same work each time.

The best policy is to write out what you’re going to do during each deep work time block for the week ahead. Establish a standard method of making this list. You can use a journal, a regular to-do list, or whatever works for you. Just be sure it’s the same every week. You’re building an automated habit. I use “Notes” on my iPad and check it every night before bed and review it again in the morning.

3) Remove every possible distraction before you begin.

If you don’t do this one, you won’t succeed. It’s as simple as that.

Distractions create something called “attention residue.” It’s the lagging attention that remains on one task as you try to switch to another. This also happens every time you multi-task. It works like this:

You muster up an energy surge to pull away from the first task. Then you use more energy to turn your attention to the other task (or distraction) and engage in that. To get back to where you were, even more power is required to make that u-turn and reengage in your deep work.

Distractions are dings from your phone notifying you of texts or emails, ringing, notifications appearing on your computer desktop, TV, pop-ups, other people conversing, or anything that can pull your attention away for even a moment.

Personally, I like my phone across the room where I can’t see it. Research has shown that just the presence of a phone is distracting. If you must be available for emergency calls, you can program your phone to ring only for specific numbers.

4) Set up your physical environment before starting.

Where do you do your deep work?

Select your best location. Make sure you have everything you need right there. Make it comfortable. If you drink coffee or tea or water, have it ready and sitting on your desk or side table. Get your snack. Have your computer charger ready, so you don’t have to get up and find it and plug it in.

If you’re working at an office, have your desk set up the way you like it and let other people know you’ll be unavailable for the next several hours. Use noise-canceling headphones if you need to block out chatter or other noise.

Do whatever you can to make your space inviting, comfortable, and stocked with what you need so you aren’t distracted before you’re done.

More Thoughts

The big takeaway from focusing on your deep work at the right time of day, consistently scheduling it, and guarding that time, is that you get the reward of feeling momentum toward your goals. You reduce your overwhelm and enjoy doing your other tasks later in the day because you’ve finished the hard stuff already. It doesn’t hang over you or nag you or slip away.

Prioritizing your deep work will get you to your goals a lot faster and leave you feeling satisfied and pleased with your accomplishments.

Let me know how it works! Leave a comment below!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

By Gustavo Frazao – Courtesy of Shutterstock

Have you ever asked yourself why perfectionism gets such a bad rap? I have, and that’s because I lean that way. I like to do things well – very well! I’m not too fond of mediocrity. If we don’t push ourselves to accomplish the ideal, aren’t we settling for second-rate?

Those are the arguments that come up when people defend their perfectionistic tendencies.

But what about the original question – “Is perfectionism really a bad thing?”

YES! And here’s why:

Perfectionism isn’t about how well you do something – it’s a measure of your worth.

What does that mean?

Just this:

Perfectionism is a perpetual mental drum that tells you anything less than perfect isn’t worthy, which translates to “I’m not worthy.” The term “good enough” doesn’t exist in the world of perfection. It’s all or nothing. You’re either perfect or you’re a failure.

The real problem is that you can’t reach “perfect.” The chronic pursuit of it is a black hole that sucks you in and keeps you on the treadmill of reaching but not arriving. It’s painful and relentless.

Brené Brown accurately describes perfectionism as a “defensive move.” It’s an attempt to avoid shame, judgment, or blame. If we do everything perfectly, look perfect, and behave perfectly, then we can stay under the radar of others’ negative scrutiny and disappointment in us.

This burning need to avoid judgment and criticism keeps us in a never-ending cycle of:

Striving to be perfect and not living up to it → feeling unworthy → becoming depressed, anxious, or both → and starting again.

We’re never present, but always focused on our fear of future failure and a relentless effort to ward it off.

That’s perfectionism. It’s a mirage.

“Yeah, so I still want to do things well – really well! What’s wrong with that?”

Striving for Excellence

Nothing’s wrong with that if done with the right mindset.

Striving for excellence is a worthy practice. It honors our desire to do the best we can, succeed, create, perform, and attain mastery.

What it doesn’t define is our worth.

The pleasure in succeeding at something isn’t the result of being perfect.

1. Pleasure and satisfaction come from effort, learning, gaining insight, trial and error, and expanding and honing one’s skillset.
2. It’s meeting challenges with a sense of excitement and enthusiasm to figure something out, get better at something, and gain intrinsic satisfaction from doing something well.

Life is a work in progress, and there’s no perfect endpoint. We’re never finished, but growth is continual and has its own rewards regardless of outcomes.

Your motivation to do things well is a particularly human drive that keeps us moving forward and evolving. We want to nurture and make use of this drive to feel fulfilled and grow. Here’s what you can do to make sure you’re on that track.

1) Adopt the Right Mindset

To pursue excellence without undermining your sense of self, you have to adopt the right mindset. Carol Dweck spells this idea out in detail in her book Mindset, and if you haven’t read it, I would highly recommend doing so, especially if you’re plagued by perfectionistic thinking.

She describes two mindsets: The Fixed Mindset and the Growth Mindset. The one you want to adopt is the growth mindset.

The Fixed Mindset

The core belief of the fixed mindset is that you are your performance. Your sense of self, self-esteem, and value rests on what you do and how you perform.

The measures of your worth are your outcomes:

Did you get all As? Were you at the top of the class? Do you have the best track record at your job? Can you do things easily and without much effort because you’re smart? Do you have a high IQ? Are you the one who always knows the answers? Are you successful?

This mindset is a precarious tightrope that gets you up on that pedestal and then creates chronic anxiety to stay there, because when you fall, even a little, you’re a failure.

The Growth Mindset

The growth mindset starts with the belief that you’re intrinsically valuable outside of what you do or how you perform. The goal is to grow, evolve, and actualize, however, it is understood that this is an ongoing process. Your value is always there regardless of where you are on the path.

Emphasis is on effort, process, learning, insight, and challenge. Challenges are approached with enthusiasm because you know that making mistakes or experiencing failures along the way are opportunities to learn and improve. These are acceptable and don’t impact your value. Failures are necessary because they teach us what we need to know.

With the growth mindset, intelligence is not static. It’s something that grows with experience and effort.

What you do is a source of fulfillment rather than a measure of who you are.

2) Ditch the all-or-nothing thinking.

You aren’t either-or, success or failure, good or bad. You’re a person with intrinsic value who’s in the process of experiencing the many shades and variations of life. Explore your interests, use your talents, and hone your skills to expand and improve yourself. It’s a process, not a single point on the horizon.

3) Cultivate living in the present.

Perfectionists live in the future. Every moment is scarfed up with fears and ruminations about future judgment and recrimination.

Live in the present moment and savor your experiences, engagement, and responses to challenges as they come. You can be mindful of where you are while looking forward to where you want to go.

4) View failure as a stepping stone.

Failure is actually the wrong word to use. A better alternative is “setback.” Setbacks are events that signal you need to change your direction or do something different. It might mean going back to the drawing board and rethinking something, or making a pivot in your activities.

Progress is never a straight line. It’s a few steps forward, a few steps backward, re-assessments and recalculations, and steps forward again. Accepting that makes setbacks gifts, not events to lament.

Last Thoughts

Letting go of perfectionism and replacing it with striving for excellence will allow you much greater success in pursuing your goals.

Redirecting your emotional energy away from self-flagellation toward the enjoyment gained in pursuing things you love is both relieving and energizing.

If you’re a perfectionist and have been plagued by trying to remain on that slippery pedestal, step down, join the human race, and enjoy pursuing your aspirations.

That’s all for today! Have a great week!!!

All my best,

Barbara

PS: Three books I recommend if you struggle with perfectionism are The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly, both authored by Brené Brown, and Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist.

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

I recently read a book called Social Chemistry by Marissa King that included a chapter about what makes people likable. I thought that would make a good subject for a blog, so I did some additional research to see what I could find out. There’s actually a lot written on the subject!

Today, I’m giving you a composite list of everything I read and learned, along with some thoughts about what it means.

My list consists of twelve characteristics or traits that show up in most of the literature. See if it resonates with you. It does with me. Here we go.

Characteristics of Likable People

1) They listen.

Likable people listen. Really listen. They show interest in you and ask sincere questions. They’re curious and want to understand what you’re saying and how you feel. They’re empathetic and work to see things through your lens. They look you in the eye with openness and invite you to talk. They put their phones away or at least turn them face down. They’re attentive and focused. And if you need help or want some advice to solve a problem, they willingly offer their best. They add value.

2) They’re authentic.

It’s difficult to trust someone who feels fake or who doesn’t reveal much about themselves. Likable people are comfortable in their own skin and aren’t self-conscious while talking or listening. There’s a sense of consistency in their personality and presentation, which helps you trust them. They feel solid and seem secure without being overbearing or narcissistic.

3) They don’t judge.

It’s pretty tricky to go into depth with someone who is judging every word you say. Likable people can listen to an opinion that’s in total opposition to what they think or believe and still be respectful and interested in knowing your point of view. They’re open-minded and approach discussions with curiosity. They’re interested in understanding what you think. They don’t need to be right. They’re comfortable with differences.

4) They don’t compete.

Likable people are secure with themselves and have no need to inflate their egos at your expense. They don’t one-up, interrupt, talk over, or monopolize conversations. They’re on the same side as you and want to connect rather than win.

5) They don’t seek attention.

They’re humble, don’t brag or name-drop, and aren’t focused on boasting about their successes. They’re openly interested in others and don’t need to be center stage.

6) They leave a solid first impression.

According to some studies, “people decide if they like you in the first 7 seconds of meeting you, and then spend the rest of the conversation internally justifying their initial reaction,” (Bradberry). Another study says that people can judge us in a 10th of a second, and in the next two or more seconds, those judgments tend to become more negative (Donna Van Natten). Either way, first impressions often stick.

Likable people use positive body language, which goes a long way toward making an excellent first impression. They face forward, relax their shoulders, keep their arms open rather than folded across their chest, make direct eye contact, have a firm handshake, and above all, smile! They feel genuine.

7) They’re positive.

Likable people are positive overall, but not in a confining way, meaning they don’t enforce positivity to the exclusion of hearing about someone’s real issues or problems. They don’t insist that everyone be happy all the time or put a positive spin on everything. But they exude inward joy and radiate warmth and receptivity. They don’t over complain, and above all, they don’t talk ill of others. They tend to describe others in a positive light and avoid engaging in petty gossip.

8) They follow up.

Following up means you remember previous conversations or information you’ve been told and check up on it later. For example, if your friend was ill a week ago and you ran into her, you would follow up and ask how she’s feeling now. You remember what was said and find it important enough to ask about later.

9) They use touch at the right time.

Touch is a tricky thing in that it needs to be done appropriately. Not all people like to be touched. Likable people generally can read whether someone would be receptive to touch. If so, they use light touches such as a pat on the shoulder or arm, shaking hands, or giving a hug. Touch releases oxytocin in the brain, which is associated with pleasure and positive feelings.

10) They call you by name.

Likable people greet you by name and continue to say your name throughout the interchange without overdoing it. Hearing your name in a conversation creates intimacy and helps forge a connection.

11) They go for deeper conversations.

Chit-chat is all right sometimes, but it can be inane and energy-zapping. Likable people move toward deeper conversations that create real connection. They invite people to talk about themselves and likewise reveal themselves as they converse. Deeper exchanges allow both parties to learn about each other which is intimate and stimulating at the same time.

12) They find similarities.

Research has shown that people gravitate toward those with whom they can find common ground. Mutual interests, hobbies, values, beliefs, experiences, and ideas all help people bond together more easily. In part, it’s because you feel like the other person relates to and understands you. You think to yourself, “We’re alike! He gets me!” It’s a mirroring function which is something that lies deep in our human DNA. It’s the original way Mommy and baby bonded. It satisfies our need to be connected and understood.

What can we take from this?

Several things come to mind when you read through this list.

First, there’s no reference to how people look, their age, or their personality types. These things aren’t important. What is important are their internal qualities.

Secondly, likable people are emotionally intelligent. If you go back over the list, the following characteristics stand out:

• Capacity to empathize
• Authenticity
• Open-mindedness
• Connectedness
• Respect
• Humility
• Depth
• Positivity

People who are well-developed psychologically and emotionally can attend to others with genuine interest and understanding. That’s a big part of what makes them likable. We all want to be valued and understood, and those who make us feel that way get our respect and positive regard.

Last, likability comes from someone’s capacity to be “other” focused. It’s being warm, caring, and serving as an attentive witness to someone else’s life.

That’s all for today! I hope you have a wonderful week! Please leave a comment below!

All my best,

Barbara

_{Bradberry, T.  2009). Emotional intelligence 2.0. Talent Smart.}

_{Bradberry, T. (2015, January 27). 13 habits of exceptionally likable people. Forbes.}

_{Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J., & Gino, F. (2017). It doesn’t hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 430–452.
https://doi.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fpspi0000097}

_{Joseph, S. (2016). Authentic: how to be yourself & why it matters. Piatkus.}

_{Kashdan, T. B., McKnight, P. E., Fincham, F. D., & Rose, P. (2011). When curiosity breeds intimacy: Taking advantage of intimacy opportunities and transforming boring conversations. Journal of Personality. 79(6), 1369-402. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2010.00697.x}

_{King, M. (2020). Social chemistry: decoding the patterns of human connection. Dutton.}

_{Mae, L., Carlston, D. E., & Skowronski, J. J. (1999). Spontaneous trait transference to familiar communications: Is a little knowledge a dangerous thing? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77(2), 233–246. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.77.2.233}

_{Suttie, J. (2017, May 31). Why curious people have better relationships. Greater Good Science Center. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_curious_people_have_better_relationships?}

_{Tenney, E R.., Turkheimer, E., & Oltmanns, T. F. (2009). Being liked is more than having a good personality: The role of matching. Journal of Research in Personality, 43(4), 579-585.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2862496/}

_{Turkle, S. (2015). Reclaiming conversation: the power of talk in a digital age. Penguin Books.}

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Today finishes up our 3-part series on what to do when you get provoked by someone. In Part 1, we identified the five primary motives behind provoking. In Part 2, I gave you some ideas and strategies to use when it occurs. Today we’re going deeper and talking about what to do when someone pushes your buttons.

But before we get to that, let’s talk about where your buttons come from. Then, what to do will make more sense.

What are “buttons” and where do they come from?

Buttons are emotional soft spots, or raw emotional scars, that simmer beneath the surface and flare up when provoked. When someone pushes them, it feels personal and attacking.

For example, someone who grew up with a repetitively critical parent may respond excessively to the mere hint of criticism as an adult.

Your partner asks you in passing if you had time to call the plumber today about a needed repair, and you fly off the handle and yell,

“I’m not your employee! I have enough on my plate!”

In actuality, he wasn’t worried about whether it was done yet but was trying to find out if you needed help with it. Because of your history – in this case, a very critical mother – you interpreted it as a wholesale criticism of you as someone who’s irresponsible and doesn’t stay on top of things.

Soft spots that take up permanent residence as “buttons” come from repetitive experiences in our past that chip away at our sense of self, and were emotionally charged. They felt dangerous.

As adults, remain overly sensitive to any stimulus that feels similar.

Reactions to Button-Pushing

When someone pushes our buttons, our reactions are fast and out of control, and we experience what’s called emotional hijacking.

The stimulus (the button-pushing) sounds an alarm to our emotional brain, and we react without the benefit of our thinking brain. It’s a knee-jerk reaction.

In part, this is because the pattern that’s being stirred up was developed in childhood when our emotional brains were in charge and before we had the full benefit of our cognition.

Our reactions, even as adults, to that same behavior pattern thrown at us is still the reaction of our younger selves. That’s why people often say,

“When he pushes my buttons, I go crazy! I’m in a fury in seconds!”

It’s true, and you feel as small and powerless as you did when that button was created.

What do we do about them?

All of this means that responding differently to having our buttons pushed is not so easy. We can’t just think our way out of it because our reactions happen fast and automatically before we have a chance to think them through.

The key is to strategize before they get pushed. We have to plan ahead.

There are five parts to doing this.

1) Identify

The first step is to identify your buttons. These are the behaviors that trigger those intense reactions. Some examples are:

• Being guilted, demeaned, made fun of, devalued, shamed, humiliated, unappreciated, taken advantage of, made to feel stupid or weak, scolded, or powerless.
• Being nagged, invaded, crowded, abused, scorned, or used.
• Made to believe you’re unlovable or not good enough.

Start by making a list of your soft spots. What behaviors trigger you into overreacting emotionally and defensively? What brings on an immediate reaction you can’t control?

2) Redefine

This next step is the hardest one.

• Take your list of soft spots and objectively think about them. When and how were they developed and under what circumstances? With whom do you associate them?
• Write your answers out. For example, if “criticism” was one of them, write down who was critical of you, when it happened, and for what kinds of things. How does criticism make you feel about yourself, and how do you react to it emotionally?
• Next, write out a corrected version. What was untrue or unfair? What was exaggerated? How realistic were the expectations of you? Looking at it through the eyes of your adult self, what perceptions need to be corrected?

Buttons are products of your past, so you have to bring them into the present and re-examine them for accuracy using your adult thinking. If you don’t do that consciously, they continue to operate in the same manner in which they were developed, and continue to have power over you.

3) Plan Ahead

Now it’s time to plan ahead how you’re going to react the next time someone pushes one of your buttons.

Some options are:

1. Say you need a moment and remove yourself until you’re calm. “I’m feeling quite reactive to what you just said, and I need a few moments to calm down and get my bearings. Give me 20 minutes.”
2. You can ask the other person questions to better understand what’s bothering them. “I’m not clear on what you’re saying. Can you explain it a little more?” You buy yourself some time this way while getting a clearer picture of the problem from the perspective of your thinking brain.
3. If the person who pushes the button is someone you know well and trust, you can tell them what you’re experiencing and let them help you distinguish what they’ve said from your “soft spot” interpretation. “I’m really sensitive to being criticized. You may not have meant to criticize me, but it feels that way. Can you help me understand what you mean?”
4. If the person pushing your button is doing it on purpose or is trying to provoke you, you don’t need to respond at all. You can be silent or remove yourself, or tell them you’ll listen when they can speak to you honestly and directly without attacking.

The idea is to come up with a plan. You can create mantras for yourself that you say to prevent an automatic verbal reaction. You can use the ideas above. Or you can be quiet.

The goal is to avoid that knee-jerk emotional reaction while accessing your thinking brain.

4) Practice

“Practice” means exactly what it says. Don’t be discouraged if you aren’t successful right away. The more you work at planning ahead and trying different strategies, the more you’ll succeed. When you fail, use it to regroup and try something different.

Practice and tweak. Practice and tweak.

5) Neutralize

The final goal is to neutralize the trigger so it loses its power. When you practice and tweak, you eventually become desensitized to it.

You’ll also begin to let go of emotional attachments to those early experiences that impacted you so significantly. You won’t forget them, but you’ll be able to look at them without reliving the feelings they brought on at the time. You may even feel differently about the people involved in creating them.

That was a lot for today. I hope you found it helpful!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

By fizkes Courtesy of Shutterstock

Today’s blog is Part 2 of a three-part series on what to do when someone tries to provoke you.

In Part 1, we covered the five reasons behind most provocations, and also described the “evocative communication style,” which is the style used in most of these instances. If you haven’t read Part 1, you can access it here.

In Part 2, we’re going to cover strategies you can use to deal with a provocation. Here we go!

The Choice

The first consideration is to make this choice:

1. You can either stay and attend to the conversation, or
2. You can decide not to engage and leave the conversation without responding.

The choice will likely depend on several things, including how close your relationship is with the person involved, the type of provocation used, and how reactive you feel to what you’re hearing.

Let’s begin with making the decision not to engage.

Stepping out of the conversation.

Here are three possible situations where you might choose to opt out:

1) Personal Attack

The person speaking is launching a full-on personal attack that’s disrespectful, hostile, demeaning, scornful, and in general just nasty!

If someone is this riled up and intends to hurt you, then the best response is silence.

It’s perfectly fine to get up and leave the scene without responding. Doing this sets a firm boundary that being mean and hurtful is unacceptable to you regardless of how or why the other person is upset.

If you do decide to stay and respond, you’ll likely set yourself up for more of the same – not to mention that it’s challenging to keep your cool when someone is attacking you with this degree of animosity.

2) The Nature of the Relationship

The closer or more involved with someone you are, the more critical it is to resolve a conflict or work through an issue. If an acquaintance you barely know says something provocative to you, you’re less likely to be as bothered than if it comes from someone you care about or know well.

If the provocation gets under your skin quickly and you’re starting to lose it emotionally, you can opt out temporarily.

You could excuse yourself and say you need some time to cool down before continuing, which in most cases is a good idea. Then come back when you’ve had time to sort through what you heard, and you’re able to think clearly.

3) You Feel Vulnerable

You’re in the wrong state of mind when the provocation is launched.

If you’re tired, stressed, overwhelmed, or already feeling on edge, then this is probably not the time to get involved in working through messy, unclear messages.

Sorting out evocative communications takes calmness, presence of mind, rational thinking, and emotional energy.

Most arguments get out of hand because one or both people involved are stressed before they begin. Stress of any kind leads to emotional regression and puts us in a precarious position to think and see things logically.

One particular rule to follow is, never respond to a provocation if either you or the other person or both of you have been drinking. It won’t go well.

Now let’s move on to what to do when you feel up to dealing with the provocation.

4 Steps to Follow

Step 1:

The first step is to figure out the intent of the statement(s).

Which of the five categories that we went over last week does the current communication fall under? Quickly, the five categories are:

1. Discharging an emotion by passing it on to you
2. One-upping you
3. Avoiding dealing with some other issue by distracting you
4. Displacing a reaction from a previous event onto you
5. Finding an excuse to be mean or start a fight.

What’s the purpose? If you know that, it’s easier to figure out how to respond.

Step 2:

Respond verbally to the emotions you perceive rather than the exact content of the messages.

Remember that most attempts to provoke use the “evocative communication” style. This style muddies the waters. You hear the words, but you sense there’s more to it. Something’s off.

Your best bet is to go straight for the feeling coming from the speaker rather than respond to the content.

“You seem upset about something. Are you?” “I’m detecting some disappointment (or some anger, resentment, etc.). Is that true?”

Name the feeling as best you can and ask if you’re right. If you are, the conversation will likely take a turn and become more manageable. You’ll diffuse the intensity of the attack, and the other person will open up and tell you what’s really bothering them.

If you’re wrong, they’ll most likely correct you and give you the right emotion.

If there’s a wholesale denial of any negative emotions even though you know they’re there, go directly to number three.

Step 3:

Ask what the intent of the statement is and what the person is hoping to accomplish by saying it.

This works well to change the momentum of the conversation back toward the speaker and away from you.

Instead of the speaker waiting for you to respond or defend, they’re forced to think about their motives and either reword what they’ve said in a way that’s clearer and less provocative, or show their hand and own the emotions they’re trying to project your way.

It works best if you deliver your question calmly and with authentic curiosity. It inserts rationality into the equation and feels empathetic.

Step 4:

Restate what the real issue is based on what the speaker tells you about their intent.

As you listen to answers to your questions above, you can restate the real problem in a conciliatory and empathetic way. This gets you both on the same page. You might say something like,

“I get it – you had a rough day at work, and you’re feeling frustrated and angry. I don’t blame you at all.”

You might also find out there’s an issue you’ve been avoiding and need to approach, in which case you can own up to it and offer some ideas about how to resolve it. Your job is to be open to what you hear and respond accordingly.

Whatever the case, getting to the actual intent of the provocation helps get you both on the same side and eliminates confusion.

If the provoker dodges dealing with your questions and continues to be negative and attacking, opt-out. You can either say you’ll listen when he’s willing to be honest about what’s happening, or respond with silence and remove yourself, or all three.

There you have it. Next week we’ll talk about what to do when your buttons are pushed. It’s a little more complex than what we covered today and requires some different actions.

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara