Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

I recently read a book called Social Chemistry by Marissa King that included a chapter about what makes people likable. I thought that would make a good subject for a blog, so I did some additional research to see what I could find out. There’s actually a lot written on the subject!

Today, I’m giving you a composite list of everything I read and learned, along with some thoughts about what it means.

My list consists of twelve characteristics or traits that show up in most of the literature. See if it resonates with you. It does with me. Here we go.

Characteristics of Likable People

1) They listen.

Likable people listen. Really listen. They show interest in you and ask sincere questions. They’re curious and want to understand what you’re saying and how you feel. They’re empathetic and work to see things through your lens. They look you in the eye with openness and invite you to talk. They put their phones away or at least turn them face down. They’re attentive and focused. And if you need help or want some advice to solve a problem, they willingly offer their best. They add value.

2) They’re authentic.

It’s difficult to trust someone who feels fake or who doesn’t reveal much about themselves. Likable people are comfortable in their own skin and aren’t self-conscious while talking or listening. There’s a sense of consistency in their personality and presentation, which helps you trust them. They feel solid and seem secure without being overbearing or narcissistic.

3) They don’t judge.

It’s pretty tricky to go into depth with someone who is judging every word you say. Likable people can listen to an opinion that’s in total opposition to what they think or believe and still be respectful and interested in knowing your point of view. They’re open-minded and approach discussions with curiosity. They’re interested in understanding what you think. They don’t need to be right. They’re comfortable with differences.

4) They don’t compete.

Likable people are secure with themselves and have no need to inflate their egos at your expense. They don’t one-up, interrupt, talk over, or monopolize conversations. They’re on the same side as you and want to connect rather than win.

5) They don’t seek attention.

They’re humble, don’t brag or name-drop, and aren’t focused on boasting about their successes. They’re openly interested in others and don’t need to be center stage.

6) They leave a solid first impression.

According to some studies, “people decide if they like you in the first 7 seconds of meeting you, and then spend the rest of the conversation internally justifying their initial reaction,” (Bradberry). Another study says that people can judge us in a 10th of a second, and in the next two or more seconds, those judgments tend to become more negative (Donna Van Natten). Either way, first impressions often stick.

Likable people use positive body language, which goes a long way toward making an excellent first impression. They face forward, relax their shoulders, keep their arms open rather than folded across their chest, make direct eye contact, have a firm handshake, and above all, smile! They feel genuine.

7) They’re positive.

Likable people are positive overall, but not in a confining way, meaning they don’t enforce positivity to the exclusion of hearing about someone’s real issues or problems. They don’t insist that everyone be happy all the time or put a positive spin on everything. But they exude inward joy and radiate warmth and receptivity. They don’t over complain, and above all, they don’t talk ill of others. They tend to describe others in a positive light and avoid engaging in petty gossip.

8) They follow up.

Following up means you remember previous conversations or information you’ve been told and check up on it later. For example, if your friend was ill a week ago and you ran into her, you would follow up and ask how she’s feeling now. You remember what was said and find it important enough to ask about later.

9) They use touch at the right time.

Touch is a tricky thing in that it needs to be done appropriately. Not all people like to be touched. Likable people generally can read whether someone would be receptive to touch. If so, they use light touches such as a pat on the shoulder or arm, shaking hands, or giving a hug. Touch releases oxytocin in the brain, which is associated with pleasure and positive feelings.

10) They call you by name.

Likable people greet you by name and continue to say your name throughout the interchange without overdoing it. Hearing your name in a conversation creates intimacy and helps forge a connection.

11) They go for deeper conversations.

Chit-chat is all right sometimes, but it can be inane and energy-zapping. Likable people move toward deeper conversations that create real connection. They invite people to talk about themselves and likewise reveal themselves as they converse. Deeper exchanges allow both parties to learn about each other which is intimate and stimulating at the same time.

12) They find similarities.

Research has shown that people gravitate toward those with whom they can find common ground. Mutual interests, hobbies, values, beliefs, experiences, and ideas all help people bond together more easily. In part, it’s because you feel like the other person relates to and understands you. You think to yourself, “We’re alike! He gets me!” It’s a mirroring function which is something that lies deep in our human DNA. It’s the original way Mommy and baby bonded. It satisfies our need to be connected and understood.

What can we take from this?

Several things come to mind when you read through this list.

First, there’s no reference to how people look, their age, or their personality types. These things aren’t important. What is important are their internal qualities.

Secondly, likable people are emotionally intelligent. If you go back over the list, the following characteristics stand out:

• Capacity to empathize
• Authenticity
• Open-mindedness
• Connectedness
• Respect
• Humility
• Depth
• Positivity

People who are well-developed psychologically and emotionally can attend to others with genuine interest and understanding. That’s a big part of what makes them likable. We all want to be valued and understood, and those who make us feel that way get our respect and positive regard.

Last, likability comes from someone’s capacity to be “other” focused. It’s being warm, caring, and serving as an attentive witness to someone else’s life.

That’s all for today! I hope you have a wonderful week! Please leave a comment below!

All my best,

Barbara

_{Bradberry, T.  2009). Emotional intelligence 2.0. Talent Smart.}

_{Bradberry, T. (2015, January 27). 13 habits of exceptionally likable people. Forbes.}

_{Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J., & Gino, F. (2017). It doesn’t hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 430–452.
https://doi.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fpspi0000097}

_{Joseph, S. (2016). Authentic: how to be yourself & why it matters. Piatkus.}

_{Kashdan, T. B., McKnight, P. E., Fincham, F. D., & Rose, P. (2011). When curiosity breeds intimacy: Taking advantage of intimacy opportunities and transforming boring conversations. Journal of Personality. 79(6), 1369-402. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1467-6494.2010.00697.x}

_{King, M. (2020). Social chemistry: decoding the patterns of human connection. Dutton.}

_{Mae, L., Carlston, D. E., & Skowronski, J. J. (1999). Spontaneous trait transference to familiar communications: Is a little knowledge a dangerous thing? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77(2), 233–246. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.77.2.233}

_{Suttie, J. (2017, May 31). Why curious people have better relationships. Greater Good Science Center. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_curious_people_have_better_relationships?}

_{Tenney, E R.., Turkheimer, E., & Oltmanns, T. F. (2009). Being liked is more than having a good personality: The role of matching. Journal of Research in Personality, 43(4), 579-585.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2862496/}

_{Turkle, S. (2015). Reclaiming conversation: the power of talk in a digital age. Penguin Books.}

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Today finishes up our 3-part series on what to do when you get provoked by someone. In Part 1, we identified the five primary motives behind provoking. In Part 2, I gave you some ideas and strategies to use when it occurs. Today we’re going deeper and talking about what to do when someone pushes your buttons.

But before we get to that, let’s talk about where your buttons come from. Then, what to do will make more sense.

What are “buttons” and where do they come from?

Buttons are emotional soft spots, or raw emotional scars, that simmer beneath the surface and flare up when provoked. When someone pushes them, it feels personal and attacking.

For example, someone who grew up with a repetitively critical parent may respond excessively to the mere hint of criticism as an adult.

Your partner asks you in passing if you had time to call the plumber today about a needed repair, and you fly off the handle and yell,

“I’m not your employee! I have enough on my plate!”

In actuality, he wasn’t worried about whether it was done yet but was trying to find out if you needed help with it. Because of your history – in this case, a very critical mother – you interpreted it as a wholesale criticism of you as someone who’s irresponsible and doesn’t stay on top of things.

Soft spots that take up permanent residence as “buttons” come from repetitive experiences in our past that chip away at our sense of self, and were emotionally charged. They felt dangerous.

As adults, remain overly sensitive to any stimulus that feels similar.

Reactions to Button-Pushing

When someone pushes our buttons, our reactions are fast and out of control, and we experience what’s called emotional hijacking.

The stimulus (the button-pushing) sounds an alarm to our emotional brain, and we react without the benefit of our thinking brain. It’s a knee-jerk reaction.

In part, this is because the pattern that’s being stirred up was developed in childhood when our emotional brains were in charge and before we had the full benefit of our cognition.

Our reactions, even as adults, to that same behavior pattern thrown at us is still the reaction of our younger selves. That’s why people often say,

“When he pushes my buttons, I go crazy! I’m in a fury in seconds!”

It’s true, and you feel as small and powerless as you did when that button was created.

What do we do about them?

All of this means that responding differently to having our buttons pushed is not so easy. We can’t just think our way out of it because our reactions happen fast and automatically before we have a chance to think them through.

The key is to strategize before they get pushed. We have to plan ahead.

There are five parts to doing this.

1) Identify

The first step is to identify your buttons. These are the behaviors that trigger those intense reactions. Some examples are:

• Being guilted, demeaned, made fun of, devalued, shamed, humiliated, unappreciated, taken advantage of, made to feel stupid or weak, scolded, or powerless.
• Being nagged, invaded, crowded, abused, scorned, or used.
• Made to believe you’re unlovable or not good enough.

Start by making a list of your soft spots. What behaviors trigger you into overreacting emotionally and defensively? What brings on an immediate reaction you can’t control?

2) Redefine

This next step is the hardest one.

• Take your list of soft spots and objectively think about them. When and how were they developed and under what circumstances? With whom do you associate them?
• Write your answers out. For example, if “criticism” was one of them, write down who was critical of you, when it happened, and for what kinds of things. How does criticism make you feel about yourself, and how do you react to it emotionally?
• Next, write out a corrected version. What was untrue or unfair? What was exaggerated? How realistic were the expectations of you? Looking at it through the eyes of your adult self, what perceptions need to be corrected?

Buttons are products of your past, so you have to bring them into the present and re-examine them for accuracy using your adult thinking. If you don’t do that consciously, they continue to operate in the same manner in which they were developed, and continue to have power over you.

3) Plan Ahead

Now it’s time to plan ahead how you’re going to react the next time someone pushes one of your buttons.

Some options are:

1. Say you need a moment and remove yourself until you’re calm. “I’m feeling quite reactive to what you just said, and I need a few moments to calm down and get my bearings. Give me 20 minutes.”
2. You can ask the other person questions to better understand what’s bothering them. “I’m not clear on what you’re saying. Can you explain it a little more?” You buy yourself some time this way while getting a clearer picture of the problem from the perspective of your thinking brain.
3. If the person who pushes the button is someone you know well and trust, you can tell them what you’re experiencing and let them help you distinguish what they’ve said from your “soft spot” interpretation. “I’m really sensitive to being criticized. You may not have meant to criticize me, but it feels that way. Can you help me understand what you mean?”
4. If the person pushing your button is doing it on purpose or is trying to provoke you, you don’t need to respond at all. You can be silent or remove yourself, or tell them you’ll listen when they can speak to you honestly and directly without attacking.

The idea is to come up with a plan. You can create mantras for yourself that you say to prevent an automatic verbal reaction. You can use the ideas above. Or you can be quiet.

The goal is to avoid that knee-jerk emotional reaction while accessing your thinking brain.

4) Practice

“Practice” means exactly what it says. Don’t be discouraged if you aren’t successful right away. The more you work at planning ahead and trying different strategies, the more you’ll succeed. When you fail, use it to regroup and try something different.

Practice and tweak. Practice and tweak.

5) Neutralize

The final goal is to neutralize the trigger so it loses its power. When you practice and tweak, you eventually become desensitized to it.

You’ll also begin to let go of emotional attachments to those early experiences that impacted you so significantly. You won’t forget them, but you’ll be able to look at them without reliving the feelings they brought on at the time. You may even feel differently about the people involved in creating them.

That was a lot for today. I hope you found it helpful!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

By fizkes Courtesy of Shutterstock

Today’s blog is Part 2 of a three-part series on what to do when someone tries to provoke you.

In Part 1, we covered the five reasons behind most provocations, and also described the “evocative communication style,” which is the style used in most of these instances. If you haven’t read Part 1, you can access it here.

In Part 2, we’re going to cover strategies you can use to deal with a provocation. Here we go!

The Choice

The first consideration is to make this choice:

1. You can either stay and attend to the conversation, or
2. You can decide not to engage and leave the conversation without responding.

The choice will likely depend on several things, including how close your relationship is with the person involved, the type of provocation used, and how reactive you feel to what you’re hearing.

Let’s begin with making the decision not to engage.

Stepping out of the conversation.

Here are three possible situations where you might choose to opt out:

1) Personal Attack

The person speaking is launching a full-on personal attack that’s disrespectful, hostile, demeaning, scornful, and in general just nasty!

If someone is this riled up and intends to hurt you, then the best response is silence.

It’s perfectly fine to get up and leave the scene without responding. Doing this sets a firm boundary that being mean and hurtful is unacceptable to you regardless of how or why the other person is upset.

If you do decide to stay and respond, you’ll likely set yourself up for more of the same – not to mention that it’s challenging to keep your cool when someone is attacking you with this degree of animosity.

2) The Nature of the Relationship

The closer or more involved with someone you are, the more critical it is to resolve a conflict or work through an issue. If an acquaintance you barely know says something provocative to you, you’re less likely to be as bothered than if it comes from someone you care about or know well.

If the provocation gets under your skin quickly and you’re starting to lose it emotionally, you can opt out temporarily.

You could excuse yourself and say you need some time to cool down before continuing, which in most cases is a good idea. Then come back when you’ve had time to sort through what you heard, and you’re able to think clearly.

3) You Feel Vulnerable

You’re in the wrong state of mind when the provocation is launched.

If you’re tired, stressed, overwhelmed, or already feeling on edge, then this is probably not the time to get involved in working through messy, unclear messages.

Sorting out evocative communications takes calmness, presence of mind, rational thinking, and emotional energy.

Most arguments get out of hand because one or both people involved are stressed before they begin. Stress of any kind leads to emotional regression and puts us in a precarious position to think and see things logically.

One particular rule to follow is, never respond to a provocation if either you or the other person or both of you have been drinking. It won’t go well.

Now let’s move on to what to do when you feel up to dealing with the provocation.

4 Steps to Follow

Step 1:

The first step is to figure out the intent of the statement(s).

Which of the five categories that we went over last week does the current communication fall under? Quickly, the five categories are:

1. Discharging an emotion by passing it on to you
2. One-upping you
3. Avoiding dealing with some other issue by distracting you
4. Displacing a reaction from a previous event onto you
5. Finding an excuse to be mean or start a fight.

What’s the purpose? If you know that, it’s easier to figure out how to respond.

Step 2:

Respond verbally to the emotions you perceive rather than the exact content of the messages.

Remember that most attempts to provoke use the “evocative communication” style. This style muddies the waters. You hear the words, but you sense there’s more to it. Something’s off.

Your best bet is to go straight for the feeling coming from the speaker rather than respond to the content.

“You seem upset about something. Are you?” “I’m detecting some disappointment (or some anger, resentment, etc.). Is that true?”

Name the feeling as best you can and ask if you’re right. If you are, the conversation will likely take a turn and become more manageable. You’ll diffuse the intensity of the attack, and the other person will open up and tell you what’s really bothering them.

If you’re wrong, they’ll most likely correct you and give you the right emotion.

If there’s a wholesale denial of any negative emotions even though you know they’re there, go directly to number three.

Step 3:

Ask what the intent of the statement is and what the person is hoping to accomplish by saying it.

This works well to change the momentum of the conversation back toward the speaker and away from you.

Instead of the speaker waiting for you to respond or defend, they’re forced to think about their motives and either reword what they’ve said in a way that’s clearer and less provocative, or show their hand and own the emotions they’re trying to project your way.

It works best if you deliver your question calmly and with authentic curiosity. It inserts rationality into the equation and feels empathetic.

Step 4:

Restate what the real issue is based on what the speaker tells you about their intent.

As you listen to answers to your questions above, you can restate the real problem in a conciliatory and empathetic way. This gets you both on the same page. You might say something like,

“I get it – you had a rough day at work, and you’re feeling frustrated and angry. I don’t blame you at all.”

You might also find out there’s an issue you’ve been avoiding and need to approach, in which case you can own up to it and offer some ideas about how to resolve it. Your job is to be open to what you hear and respond accordingly.

Whatever the case, getting to the actual intent of the provocation helps get you both on the same side and eliminates confusion.

If the provoker dodges dealing with your questions and continues to be negative and attacking, opt-out. You can either say you’ll listen when he’s willing to be honest about what’s happening, or respond with silence and remove yourself, or all three.

There you have it. Next week we’ll talk about what to do when your buttons are pushed. It’s a little more complex than what we covered today and requires some different actions.

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Today we’re going to talk about provocative communication. It’s a big subject, so I’m dividing it into three parts. Part 1 will cover:

1. Why someone tries to provoke you
2. The style of communication used when provoking
3. How you can immediately detect the intent to provoke

Part 2, which I’ll give you next week, will provide some techniques you can use to handle provocative communication successfully. Part 3 will get a little more personal and talk about what to do when someone pushes your buttons.

Now let’s go through some of the reasons someone might try to provoke you.

5 Reasons Someone Tries to Provoke You

1) Get rid of a negative feeling that’s uncomfortable.

In this case scenario, the goal is to discharge a negative feeling by passing it on to someone else and making them feel it. Kids do this to their parents all the time. Instead of saying “I’m feeling angry!” or “I’m in a bad mood!” they do something that will bring on an angry reaction from their parent. They misbehave or say something that provokes mom into yelling or spouting off. Then they calm down as they watch mom turn into Godzilla with two heads.

Adults do similar things, although they’re more sophisticated about it. They might drop a comment they know will bring on a big reaction or passive-aggressively do something that pushes your buttons. The intent is to get you to feel their emotions and discharge them, thereby providing them relief. It’s a game of “hot potato.”

2) Feel better about yourself.

The intent here is to one-up. If I can get you to regress and react childishly or inappropriately, then I can feel better than you.

“I’ve got it together – you obviously don’t!”

Narcissistic people are famous for this one. They say things that are highly provocative and then sit back and wait for the fireworks. I’m sure you can think of many examples in your own life where you’ve been the recipient of this type of behavior.

3) Avoid a problem.

Mary’s been fretting about having to talk to her husband about overspending on their credit card. The credit card bill came in the mail today, and she knows he’ll see it. So as soon as he comes in the door from work, she provokes him into fighting with her about his not picking up after himself that morning before leaving the house.

She might be upset about that, but what she’s most upset about is worrying how he’s going to react to finding out about her overspending. Instead of telling him about it and dealing with the problem upfront, she avoids it by distracting him and putting him on the defensive.

4) Displace anger or frustration.

We’ve already talked about getting rid of uncomfortable negative emotions by making someone else feel and discharge them for us. This one follows along with that but is a bit more specific.

In this scenario, someone gets chewed out by the boss at work and comes home and chews out his wife or one of the kids. The anger or frustration coming from one source gets displaced on someone else.

We all do this to some degree. You get upset about something and speak to the next person you see in a clipped manner. It’s as though the negative feeling boils over into another container.

5) Launch a targeted attack.

There are times when someone purposely provokes you by directly launching a personal attack. The underlying reasons might be anger, retaliation, or, at worst, pure meanness. Most often, this occurs when there is built-up anger that’s been simmering for a long time.

Some minor incident triggers a release that rolls out more like a freight train. Sometimes the person explodes.

The stored up emotions may be directly related to the person receiving the attack or may result from an unresolved trigger dating back to previous experiences. We’ll talk about this more in Part 3 when we discuss pushing buttons.

The question is,

How do I know when someone’s trying to provoke me?

There are several reactions you might have that clue you in.

• You feel hostility coming from the other person. Sometimes it’s very subtle and sometimes quite obvious.
• You feel a fight coming on even though you weren’t looking for one and don’t want it.
• You feel attacked or demeaned.
• The emotions coming from the other person seem irrational or unreasonable and often excessive for the situation.
• The communication moves fast – 0 to 60 in seconds or minutes.
• The transmission is combative, adversarial, or competitive.

It’s kind of like having the hair on the back of your neck standing up. You have a sense of wariness, even if the communication is seemingly innocuous.

Some provocations are straight up and direct. You know it’s happening. Yet, you may still have difficulty getting a handle on the exact problem or issue and feel like you’re sinking in quicksand. When you experience that, you’re on the receiving end of what’s called “evocative communication.”

Let’s go over that briefly, and that will finish us up for today.

Evocative Communication

The hallmark of this style of communication is hidden agendas.

Someone says something, yet you sense that there’s some underlying motive they aren’t revealing. Words are used to evoke some feeling in you rather than to communicate and connect.

The goal is not mutual understanding but rather getting something from you or subtly shooting darts in your direction. Sometimes both things happen simultaneously, which is highly confusing.

The most common characteristics of this style are:

• The intent is unclear.
• You’re not sure exactly what the speaker is trying to communicate or where the emotions are coming from.
• The emotions are disconnected, meaning they seem to be all over the place, or don’t match the situation or content spoken.
• Body language, tone of voice, and intention don’t match. Someone launches a backhanded shot while smiling and speaking in a soft voice.
• You feel attacked, criticized, blamed, or scorned.
• You feel defensive and manipulated.

When you feel provoked emotionally and the intent is unclear, you’re likely on the receiving end of an evocative communication. Not always – sometimes provocations are pretty direct. The person makes it clear they’re upset and trying to provoke you. However, that’s less common. Most of the time, evocative communication is at play.

Where do we go from here?

As stated at the beginning, next week I’ll give you some strategies you can use to effectively deal with attempts to provoke you. Then the following week, we’ll talk more about what to do when someone pushes your buttons. Provocations directed at your weak spots are more difficult to field successfully.

That’s all for today!

I hope you have a fabulous week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by Paola Chaaya on Unsplash

Today’s blog is a bit of a departure from my usual focus on problem-solving. It’s more from the heart as it hits close to home for me, and maybe it will for you too. The subject is loss.

As we all know, loss is a part of life that can’t be sidestepped. But there is much we can learn from it if we allow ourselves to deal with it honestly when it occurs.

Losing someone you love, whether a partner, child, friend, extended family member, or beloved pet, is painful – most often, very painful. There’s no way around that.

The choice we do have is in how we deal with it. When we allow ourselves to feel our way through it, we eventually find acceptance and resolution.

That doesn’t mean that things go back to the way they were. That never happens because when you lose someone, your personal landscape is forever altered. The goal is to come to terms with that and find peace as you move forward with your life.

Let’s start with what to do right after a loss occurs.

The Days After

Very often, the first reaction is to feel numb, shocked, or disbelieving even though you know it’s happened. This is normal, especially if the loss was unexpected. If you knew it was coming, you might have been able to prepare some, yet when it actually happens, you might still feel some shock or numbness.

Over days or even weeks and months, other feelings will surface, such as sadness and a gnawing emptiness that you might try to alleviate with manic activity or other distractions.

The best approach is to allow the feelings to surface whatever they are, and do your best not to avoid or deny them. You need to go through them. You can’t go around. If you avoid them, you won’t resolve and find a place for them. They’ll pop up in other ways and negatively affect both your future happiness and capacity to reengage in your life.

Things you can do to help with the pain are:

1. Watch the feelings as you have them. That doesn’t mean not feeling them, but rather having some compassion for yourself as they arise. It helps you to brave them without retreating. Allow yourself to be vulnerable.
2. Remember that the intensity of your emotions won’t remain the same over time. It will eventually shift and let up, and you’ll be able to look at things differently.
3. Talk to people who love you and will allow you to share your sadness. Talking helps you release the emotions so that they don’t build up and remain inside.

Over Time

As time extends out, other feelings may arise, such as anger and disappointment. You might alternate between sadness and anger. If the relationship was complicated or unresolved issues were left over, you might feel cheated, frustrated, or have regrets.

Let yourself feel all of it. No censoring. Talk it out when you can, and approach yourself with care and compassion, even if you have things you feel ashamed of or regret doing (or not doing).

The goal is to feel your grief, forgive yourself or the other person if that applies, and eventually move forward feeling whole with interest in the future.

A second goal is to feel peace and resolution when you think of the one you’ve lost.

Now, there’s one more piece to dealing with loss, and it’s actually a gift.

The Gift

Loss is an experience that that allows us an opportunity to take stock of ourselves.

If we lose a partner, we might question whether we loved that person enough or did right by them. We might be angry that we never got the love we truly wanted. We might have regrets about some of the ways we behaved or regrets about decisions made.

Looking back is natural when we lose someone, and questioning things we might have done differently often comes up. Sometimes we don’t have regrets, but just intensely miss our loved one. Often both things occur simultaneously.

As you work through the loss, it’s helpful to review any regrets or unresolved issues. You can’t address them directly at this point, but you can learn from them yourself.

Loss is an opportunity for growth, even if you’re older and feel like you’re coming nearer to the end of your own life. We evolve until we die – if we want to. And loss helps us do that.

Questions you might ask are:

• What did I gain from the relationship? What do I appreciate? What are my best memories?
• What have I learned about myself? Is there anything I want to change going forward?
• What shifts in my sense of self are occurring as I have more time alone?
• Do I want to change any of my current relationships? With other family members? With friends? If so, in what way? What actions can I take?
• What might I have done differently if I could do it over?
• Are there things I need to forgive? Of the other person? Of myself?

Transitioning from Two to One

Depending on the length and depth of the relationship, part of the process of working through the loss is to recreate a sense of yourself without the habitual interactions and spoken communications with the person you loved.

At first and for a time, you find yourself automatically thinking as though they’re still around, and then your catch yourself and have to recognize all over again they’re not.

Eventually, this subsides, but it reflects a process of psychically withdrawing yourself from the merged you (in that relationship) to just you. You take the person with you in the form of memories and feelings, but you see yourself as being on your own again.

This is why some people say things like “I feel like my heart’s breaking,” or “This pain is so gut-wrenching,” or “I feel shattered.” Emotional and physical pain activate the same areas of the brain.

The physical pain you feel is real in a sense and represents the psychic withdrawal of yourself from the other person in their absence.

Using the questions above helps you work through that pain while feeling whole and keeping your loved one with you.

What You Can Do Right Now

The best approach to loss is to examine your relationships before a loss occurs. You can do that by imagining how you would feel if you were to lose that loved person. Ask yourself,

“What needs resolving, what’s most important, what do I appreciate?”

Right now, you have an opportunity to answer those questions and act on them.

By doing so, you’ll find yourself being more tolerant and kind. That doesn’t mean you’ll cave to things you object to, but you’ll sharpen your feelings of love and engage in the relationship on a deeper level.

That’s all for today.

As always, I hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by marekuliasz courtesy of Shutterstock

My electricity went off the other night for about a half-hour. When it came back on, my alarm system was sending out alerts because it had been interrupted. I had to find the reset button to get things restarted.

It reminded me of a practice I use called my “weekly reset.” I thought I’d share it with you today, and hopefully, you’ll find it as helpful as I do.

Before I tell you how to do it, let me explain what it is and why you should use it.

What It Is

In short, the weekly reset is a strategy to help you increase your self-awareness and monitor your experiences to gain greater control over the direction of your life. The goal is to increase your happiness, decrease your stress, and find more fulfillment.

To do it, set aside a regular time once a week to review the following:

1. What was your emotional temperature this week? Were you generally content, anxious, depressed, just so-so, stressed, bored? What was the overall tone of your emotions? What events affected you most and how did they impact you emotionally?
2. What did you accomplish or not accomplish that you had on your to-do list? Did you have some goals for this week, and if so, how did you do? What’s leftover that needs to go on next week’s list? Do you need to change some of those goals or tweak them or delete them?
3. How did you do with your most important relationships? How did things go with your partner, kids, co-workers or bosses, friends, or other family members? Were there issues that arose? Are you pleased with your interactions, and if not, what needs to be addressed?
4. How did you do with self-care? It’s easy to leave this one off the list or put it last because all the other stuff takes precedence. However, this is an important one. The questions to ask are: How was your diet, did you get any exercise, and did you get enough sleep? If not, what got in the way?

How to Set It Up

To make your “weekly reset” productive, select a regular time and place to do it each week. It can be any time you choose – there are no rules about that. Most people choose either the beginning or end of the week, but if you like mid-week, then go for it. I do my resets on Sundays so that I have things set up for the week ahead.

You can do it any way you like, but I’d suggest these guidelines to get the most out of it.

1) Set the scene.

Select a time you can be quiet and won’t be interrupted. If you have young children, you might have to snatch a time when they’re either asleep or being entertained by someone other than you.

2) Track it.

Journal your reset if you like to write, or make lists if you’re a list maker. If writing’s not your thing, then think about the answers to the questions and at the end of the session, jot down what you’re going to work on in the week ahead. Remember, this isn’t so much about accomplishing work goals (although you can include them in your reset) – it’s mostly about monitoring your emotional life and your weekly experiences. It’s also about managing your stress.

3) Time it.

Confine your reset to a specific time. You might do it in 30 minutes, an hour, an hour and a half, or whatever works for you. You know how much time you have or don’t have, so make it work within that framework. A set time will help you stay regular with it.

The Why of It

If you’ve read anything about emotional intelligence, then you know that one of the pillars of EI is “self-awareness.” Daniel Goleman, the author of Emotional Intelligence, defines self-awareness most succinctly as “awareness of one’s own feelings as they occur.”

In other words, it’s being aware of how we’re feeling on a moment-to-moment basis, and also being aware of how we’re thinking about or interpreting those feelings or moods.

This kind of self-awareness is vital because recognition of our moods compels us to change them or work with them if we don’t like where we are. The more awareness we have, the more desire we have to evolve and self-actualize to reach greater levels of happiness and satisfaction.

Goleman describes the self-aware person thus:

Aware of their moods as they are having them, these people understandably have some sophistication about their emotional lives. Their clarity about emotions may undergird other personality traits: they are autonomous and sure of their own boundaries, are in good psychological health, and tend to have a positive outlook on life. When they get into a bad mood, they don’t ruminate and obsess about it, and are able to get out of it sooner. In short, their mindfulness helps them manage their emotions.

Managing our emotions, or self-regulation, is an essential skill for navigating life. The degree to which we can do it is directly related to our sense of peace and happiness. It follows that we need to engage in regular strategies to improve on it.

The Weekly Reset is one of those strategies. By making it a habit, you’ll find that you build an intuitive awareness of your emotional life as you experience it. You become “mindful” of where you are, and in effect, narrate it to yourself. This insight gives you the information you need to regulate and take control of your emotional life and guide it in the direction you desire.

It’s operating from a proactive rather than reactive mindset, but in a very pragmatic manner.

Final Thoughts

You know the old saying, “What you don’t know can’t hurt you?” It’s a lie. What you don’t know often has control over you. Knowledge is power, especially when it comes to self-knowledge. Spending just a small amount of time each week increasing your self-awareness and witnessing your life will put you in the driver’s seat and is worth more than all the time spent on external pursuits.

Water the roots, and the plant will blossom!

That’s all for today.

Hope you have a great week and try your first weekly reset!!

All my best,

Barbara

_{Goleman, Daniel (2005). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Random House Publishing Group.}

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by Michail Petrov

I recently read the book Effortless by Greg McKeown. I loved it, as I did his first book, Essentialism. Throughout both books, his primary messages are to simplify what you do, focus on the most essential, let go of superfluous activity, and adopt strategies that make things seem effortless.

I was particularly enamored with McKeown’s four steps to “effortless action” that he describes in Part II of Effortless (p. 93). I found these ideas extremely helpful and different from the usual advice for overcoming procrastination or managing your time, so I want to share them with you.

But before we get to them, let’s go over his definition of “effortless action.”

Effortless Action

McKeown defines “effortless action” as,

“Trying without trying. Action without action. Effortless doing.”

Have you had the experience of engaging in an activity and becoming so absorbed that you’re no longer exerting effort?

It’s called being in a state of “flow.” You, your mind, and the action are all in sync. You find yourself doing without straining and operating at what’s called peak performance. This is “effortless action.”

It’s not always possible to get into a “flow” state when doing something, but the closer you get, the better.

One thing that usually interferes is trying to act when you’re already overdone. You’ve pushed yourself too far. You’re tired, can’t think anymore, and any further activity feels like an uphill battle.

Several weeks ago, I talked about the “law of diminishing returns.” If you’ll remember, it means:

“After a certain point, each extra unit of input produces a decreasing rate of output. So past a certain point, more effort doesn’t produce better performance. It sabotages our performance.”

Putting these things together, it becomes clear that you’ll do your best work when:

1. You’re not already wiped out and have mental space and energy to think, and
2. You can access a state of flow.

Now let’s go to the four practices McKeown suggests that will help you do that.

1) Define done.

Before you start working, get a clear picture in your head of what “done” will look like. That means:

1. Being very specific about what you’re going to accomplish, and
2. Making sure it’s within reach.

For example:

Read 10 pages a day for two weeks instead of “reading more books.”

Have two vegetables for dinner every night for the next month instead of “eat more veggies.”

Clean out the hall closet from top to bottom instead of “get the house more organized.”

In each situation, “done” is spelled out with a concrete and doable goal. It’s easy to figure out the specific tasks you’ll need to perform to get “done.” Once you’re finished, you can define your next “done.”

2) Identify the first obvious action.

Starting is often difficult.

To get around that, identify your first step. Make this an effortless act like picking up the phone to make a call, getting your pad and pencil out if you’re going to write, or pulling the pan out of the kitchen cabinet to start cooking.

We tend to think of the whole job all at once, which is overwhelming, and then sit paralyzed, unable to begin.

It’s good to have a general idea of where you’re going, but focus on the early steps and keep defining your next steps as you go. Keep your focus on what’s right in front of you and block out ruminating about the future.

3) Make use of “microbursts.”

I love this one because it bypasses our resistance radars. A microburst is,

“A 10-minute surge of focused activity that can have an immediate effect on our essential project.”

For example:

You load the dishwasher instead of clean the kitchen.

Fold one load of clothes instead of sort everything in the laundry room.

Write one or two paragraphs instead of a whole paper.

Exercise as hard as you can for 10 minutes instead of doing a complete workout.

Microbursts are effective because they get you moving. When you know you’re going to spend no more than 10 minutes, you’re much less likely to resist “the doing” part. And as we all know, once you get started, you sometimes don’t mind continuing.

The key, however, is to tell yourself you only need to do that 10-minute thing, and no more. And if that’s all you do, great!

4) Simplify.

The idea behind this one is “don’t make things too complicated.” In other words, approach activity from a minimalist point of view. The question is:

What are the minimum steps necessary to get to “done?”

To effectively answer this question, McKeown uses what he calls the “Start with Zero” rule.

Start from zero and build up only to what’s absolutely necessary. Don’t add in steps you don’t need. Keep your eye on the endpoint you’ve defined as “done” and avoid side roads or excursions.

We have a tendency to do just the opposite. We brainstorm every possibility, play out all the alternatives, and create a comprehensive list of choices. Then we move backward and pare down.

For example, if you were going to prepare a presentation for work, you might create a PowerPoint, handouts, video footage, and a live demonstration. Truth is, you don’t need all that, and people would be overwhelmed by having to sit through it all. They’d get antsy about halfway through, if not before. Not to mention it would take you tons of time to put it all together.

The better approach is to decide on the crucial information you need to impart and choose the most direct way to get that across while keeping everyone’s interest. Less elaborate, more pointed, and engaging all at the same time.

Zero, in this case, would mean starting with the essential things you want people to know or learn and build from there. A PowerPoint and handout might be all you need! The best part is that you would greatly reduce your time and energy consumption.

How to use this info?

The best tactic for using this information is to select one thing you want to get done and use all four of these steps to approach it. Every step doesn’t apply every time. Choose those you need. My two favorites are “defining done” and “simplify.” See what works for you!

That’s all for today.

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by Andre Hunter on Unsplash

Of all the emotions we deal with, anger seems to be the one that causes the most distress and gets us in the most trouble. In raw form, it pumps up our energy while muting our objectivity and rationality. That’s a dangerous combination and can lead us to behave in destructive ways.

Alternatively, anger can inform us and be used constructively. In most cases, anger is a cover for underlying emotions, and if you can discern what those emotions and issues are, the way becomes clear as to how to address them.

Here are six of the most common underlying causes of anger.

1) Helplessness

This one is high on the list and often not recognized. Helplessness arises when you feel:

1. Powerlessness
2. Fear
3. Lack of control

You feel trapped or stuck and unable to see your way out of a situation. For example, you might be stuck in an abusive relationship or a job you don’t like. You could have financial problems that you see no way to resolve. Or it could be something more simple like having problems getting your cell phone provider to help with an error on your bill.

SOLUTION: Recognize that the anger is coming from a sense of helplessness or powerlessness, and use your thinking capacity to change your approach to solve the problem. That could mean getting help from someone who has more knowledge about the issue, getting some counseling, or going directly to the person in charge. In short, channel your emotions into focused action and don’t go it alone.

2) Hurt

An angry reaction to being hurt occurs mainly from:

1. Personal attacks or a negative characterization
2. Disrespect
3. Being forgotten, ignored, or dismissed

If you feel attacked, a counterattack is a natural reaction. It’s protective. Instead of feeling vulnerable, you can shield yourself with an angry response.

SOLUTION: Allow the anger to come up, but don’t act on it. Let it sit awhile until it diffuses some and the underlying hurt arises. Ask yourself how and why you feel hurt, and decide if there’s any action you need to take to right it. You may need to make your feelings known to someone. You may need to recognize that the issue belongs to the other person and not to you. You may need to set a boundary. Decide, take action if warranted, and then let it go.

3) Loss

We often react to a loss with grief, but sometimes anger precedes that or comes later in the process. Situations where this occurs are:

1. Loss by death
2. Loss of a relationship
3. Loss of job, home, status

Anger is one of the five stages of grief we go through when we lose someone, according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. It serves a purpose in the process of resolving the loss and letting go of our sadness. The key is to feel the anger without acting out and recognize it for what it is.

Loss of a job, home, or status creates underlying feelings of powerlessness, which can surface as anger. Your anger might be specific to the situation. For example, you might feel you were mistreated, taken advantage of, or unfairly evaluated.

SOLUTION: In all cases of anger relative to loss, it’s best to let the anger come up, simmer a bit, but hold off on taking action. Identify underlying feelings such as helplessness, shame, or sadness. It’s helpful to talk it out with someone. If it’s a serious loss, therapy can help to work through the grief as it may take some time. Having someone with expertise in this area is quite helpful.

4) Stress

Stress comes in many forms. These three categories cover most of them:

1. Physical distress such as illness, lack of sleep, exhaustion
2. Overwhelm
3. Worry/anxiety

Physical distress can make you irritable and short-tempered. You can address it by simply changing habits of sleep, eating, and exercise. Illness, however, may need a comprehensive approach, including a combination of therapy and medical treatment, depending on its severity.

Overwhelm, worry, and anxiety often surface together, although usually one of them is more prominent. Either way, they can build up and manifest as anger and feelings of powerlessness. Once anger surfaces, it’s a warning that you need to stand back, take an objective view of what’s going on and what’s causing your distress, and then decide how you can change the situation(s) that are perpetuating it.

SOLUTION: You need to regain the upper hand. Start by taking time out to review what’s happening from a distance. Identify and challenge your distorted thoughts. Talk over the issues with someone who can serve as a sounding board. Evaluate what you can change, and create a plan of action to deal with specifics. Get in front of it instead of behind it.

5) Invasion of territory

The underlying issues here are reactions to:

1. Interruptions
2. Rearrangement of one’s things or throwing them away
3. Changes in routines
4. Feeling emotionally or physically invaded

Some of us are more territorial than others – not because we’re selfish, but because we’re more sensitive to changes and transitions. If this description fits you, you may not like to have your things disturbed or routines interrupted. You may not like surprise changes in schedules or plans. You may need your own space, like having your own room or office that no one can disturb.

Abrupt changes, removal or messing with your stuff, or interruptions to your routines or schedules can make you angry. These things feel more like an assault than just a change or shift. The underlying feeling is usually anxiety.

SOLUTION: Recognize these tendencies and work on practicing flexibility. As situations arise that bring on a reaction, self-talk yourself down from the ledge and work on taking things in stride. You can also tell someone when you’re reacting and why, which helps you diffuse your irritation and inform the other person how they might better approach you. For example, you might say, “I don’t do well with surprise changes. I’m much better when I have some notice.” Ask for accommodations while also building in flexibility.

6) Triggers from past experiences

The last item on our list has to do with past experiences and internalized triggers that can set us off. These usually have to do with:

1. Our upbringing and family issues
2. Trauma
3. Abuse

In these cases, we associate current situations with past experiences that have led us to feel personally attacked, unworthy, afraid, oppressed, humiliated, demeaned, or any other negative personal reaction or evaluation. What happens is that we project onto a current situation or person the experience or pattern from our past and react to it as though it’s the same. Sometimes it is similar, but often it’s not.

SOLUTION: The solution is to recognize the projection and correct it. That’s not easy, however, as sometimes we have no awareness of it. We feel anger and underlying feelings such as shame or fear. In these cases, it’s best to engage in therapy to gain insight into our histories and identify how old issues are cropping up in the present.

Summing Up

There is a good deal of overlap in the causes of anger, and in most cases, helplessness accompanies one of the others. If you keep that in mind, you can always start with the question, “What do I feel is out of my control here?” The answer to that question will help you refine the underlying issues and provide the right solution or response.

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Let’s start with a question today:

Do you feel guilty or anxious when you’re not busy doing something?

Many of us do. I remember as a teen trying to nap on the couch on Saturday afternoon and my mother saying something like, “If you don’t have anything better to do than that, I’ll give you something to do!”

The message was, “Get up and do something of value – it’s not okay to just lie around. That’s just wasting time and being lazy.”

My mom wasn’t trying to be difficult – she was just channeling how she was raised. More than that, she was instilling in me the American “work ethic,” which most parents did back then and still do to a large extent today.

If you were raised that way, you likely have those messages ingrained in your psyche just like I have, and feel either guilty or anxious or both when you’re not doing something that either needs to be done or feels worthwhile.

The problem is that in today’s culture, our activity level has escalated way beyond what our parents had in mind. We’ve adopted an all-or-nothing credo of manic activity and super busyness. We’re overworked, tired, and don’t know how to relax.

We don’t take the necessary time to recharge, and as a result, feel chronically overwhelmed, burned out, and are more likely to become ill.

So how do we turn that around and still maintain our work ethic?

There are two things we can do:

1. Challenge our erroneous beliefs about work.
2. Take the right steps to schedule downtime.

Myths About Work

These three myths influence our attitudes about work and rest alike.

Myth #1 – The longer and harder you work, the more progress you make.

Have you ever heard of the law of diminishing returns? It originated in the field of economics, but for our purposes, it means this:

If we work hard and steadily, there is a point at which the effort we put in no longer produces optimal results. We work harder and get less done.

For example, if I write for hours and hours, at some point, what I’m writing will begin to deteriorate and look more like gibberish. The expenditure of both mental and emotional energy will leave me enervated and unable to think anymore.

Where we get ourselves into real trouble is going for “the push.” It means:

Even though you’re tired and feel spent, you have to push through and get it done.

How often is this idea perpetrated on us?

All the time! We get it on the job, we get it in school, athletes get it from their coaches, and we get it from ourselves.

Myth #2 – Taking downtime leads to laziness.

Not everyone buys into this one, but those who do are tortured by it.

If you’re not busy, not productive, don’t check everything off the list, then your self-worth is in jeopardy.

Part of this myth is a perversion of the original definition of “work ethic.” The notion of “work ethic” comes from the Puritans who equated “working hard” with good character. They saw upholding a work ethic as a means of salvation.

Engaging in conscientious work and striving for excellence is character-building, but taking downtime does not lead to laziness or co-opt one’s desire for work. Rather, it enhances and creates the circumstances for working at an optimal level.

Myth #3 – Human beings will do nothing if given a chance.

This isn’t just a myth; it’s a fear – the idea being that we naturally prefer to do nothing if given a chance. There are modifications to this myth, such as we only want to be entertained, we don’t want to work for anything, we’re hedonists at heart.

Certainly, there is a continuum along which we can place ourselves in terms of the desire for work versus entertainment. Mostly, however, we choose work. We get bored with too much entertainment or slothful behavior. Human beings are industrious by nature and feel happiest when having purpose and pursuing goals.

How to Establish Recharging Time in Your Schedule

In addition to being aware of inaccurate ideas that influence your attitudes about work, here are five things you can do to balance your work/downtime ratio:

1. Prioritize what absolutely needs to be done. That means letting things go that don’t need to be done right away. Get your priority list down to the minimum. You can always add on if you have more time.
2. Time-block your work. Schedule beginning and end times for tasks. Take no more time than you’ve allotted. It may take a few tries to find out how much time things take, but when you time-block, you’ll be more focused and reduce multitasking. You also won’t allow interruptions to get you off track.
3. Schedule downtime. Literally. On your calendar. Decide ahead what you’ll do during your downtime. If you don’t, you can fritter it away trying to decide how to use it. For example, you might scroll through social media until the time is gone and feel like you wasted it. If you want a nap, schedule it, take it, don’t feel guilty about it, and enjoy it. Approach your downtime that way every time.
4. Let everyone else know when you’re taking downtime and inform them not to interrupt you. If you have younger kids, you’ll need to get creative about this. You can get them on board by helping them decide how they will self-entertain when you’re resting, or maybe trade off babysitting with a friend.
5. Reduce, delegate, delete. Create some wiggle room in your schedule by deleting activities you don’t actually need to do or could be done by someone else. Delegate when possible, and reduce your workload in any way that’s feasible.

One Final Note

At least once a week, take an objective view of your workload and your feelings of stress, overwhelm, or general tiredness. Evaluate your needs for rest, sleep, and relaxation and schedule accordingly.

Secondly, keep in mind that being busy all the time can be addictive. It can:

• Give you a sense of momentum and purpose.
• Allow you to ignore feelings or issues you don’t want to face or approach.
• Keep feelings of emptiness at bay.

If any of these things apply to you, take some time to evaluate if there’s a better way to tackle them other than staying busy.

I hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday, I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you. My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Photo by Jukka Aalho on Unsplash

Last week I talked about the value of whole being listening. This week I’m switching gears and giving you five tips you can use to increase receptivity to what you have to say.

Here they are!

#1) Use “I” messages.

This is a crucial one because it decreases defensiveness.

• Say, “I think,” “I feel,” or “I would like.”
• Avoid starting your messages with “you” or “it.”
• Stay focused on the content of the conversation rather than on what’s wrong with the other person.

For example:

Say

“I’m feeling frustrated because I can’t tell what you really mean? Could you explain it more?”

instead of

“You’re so confusing! How do you expect me to understand you?”

Here’s another one:

Say

“I’m getting a bit overwhelmed. Would you mind if we take a break for 20 minutes and then try again?”

instead of

“You’re all over the place! You’re totally overwhelming me! You need to just back off!!”

Obviously, the first statements will be received much better than the second ones.

Now let’s move on to the second tip.

#2) Avoid blaming.

Instead of saying “You made me feel . . .” or “You’re causing me to . . .”, say “When you do (this), I feel (this).”

“When I’m interrupted before finishing what I have to say, I lose my train of thought and have a hard time getting back to it. I know you’re anxious to get your point across, and I want to hear it, but it would be helpful if we both take turns and let each other finish before we respond. Would you agree?”

With this statement, you’ve successfully made your point without blaming, and you’ve offered a solution.

It uses a formula that comes from a book called Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It goes like this:

When a happens, I feel this which is b. I’d rather have this, which is c. Here’s how to make that happen, which is d.

Let’s break down our statement using this formula:

a → When I’m interrupted before finishing what I have to say,

b → I lose my train of thought and have a hard time getting back to it.

c → I know you’re anxious to get your point across, and I want to hear it,

d → but it would be helpful if we both take turns and let each other finish before we respond.

Now let’s go to the third tip.

#3) Be specific and quantitative.

Instead of saying

“I need more attention from you,”

say

“I would like to spend more time with you. How about taking a couple of hours every weekend to be together without distractions. We could either go out or just hang around the house. How would you feel about that?”

The first statement has two problems:

• It could easily feel like an attack or criticism. There’s implied blame – “You’re not giving me what I need.”
• It’s unclear. What exactly does “more attention” mean?

The second statement is quite clear.

• It doesn’t imply blame or induce guilt but instead makes a statement about what’s needed.
• There’s no hint of criticism.
• The suggestion is specific and quantified – a couple of hours every weekend – which gives the listener something to work with.
• It invites collaboration and connection.

Now let’s move on to tip four.

#4) Avoid absolutes.

Absolutes usually invite contention. Using them is like drawing a line in the sand and daring the other person to step over it.

The three most common absolutes are:

1. Always
2. Never
3. Every

For example:

“You’re always late.”

“You never consider my feelings.”

“Every time we go out to eat, you choose the restaurant.”

“You never get upset.”

Even if you think “always” or “never” applies, don’t use it. No one likes to be categorized or compartmentalized, not even when the statement is positive. If you tell someone she “always” succeeds, you’re setting her up to fail because no one can stay on that pedestal indefinitely.

It’s best to use descriptive words to describe a specific situation and leave the absolutes out.

“I’m frustrated when you show up late because we miss the first part of the movie.”

“My feelings were hurt when you said ……”

“I would like to choose where we eat tonight. What about . . .”

“I love that you’re calm and easygoing, but I can’t tell when you’re disappointed or upset, and I want to know how you really feel about things.”

Now for the last tip.

#5) Be accurate.

There are three things to watch with this one:

1. Exaggerations
2. Generalizations
3. Cognitive distortions

Let’s go through them.

Exaggerations

Exaggerations include things like hyperbole, over-emoting, and absolutes, as we’ve just seen. Sometimes they’re outright fabrications. Someone might be telling a story and exaggerate just enough to make the story more dramatic and exciting, yet in actuality be adding information that isn’t true or accurate.

When you exaggerate a lot, people begin to dismiss what you say or take it with a grain of salt. You gain a reputation for being unreliable, and your words aren’t valued as much as you would like.

You can use colorful words and descriptions yet be accurate.

Generalizations

Generalizations can be tedious and mind-numbing. They’re often dismissed or don’t hold the attention of the listener long enough to register them. Specifics with details are easier to grab on to and take in. This is especially true when you create images in someone’s mind as you speak.

Cognitive Distortions

Using cognitive distortions means bending the truth in a particular way. An example is “all-or-nothing” thinking. For example:

• You get a B on an exam instead of an A, and you say, “I’m the worst student ever!”
• You get a flat tire on the way to work, and you think to yourself, “This whole day’s shot!”
• One person doesn’t like the painting you did, and you decide it’s crap and no one likes it.

In all three cases, one incident is generalized to the whole. Things are either all good or all bad. If I’m not perfect, I’m a failure.

All-or-nothing thinking is just one type of cognitive distortion. There are many more. I’ve attached a list of the fifteen most common ones, which you can access by clicking here.

All right! You’ve got my five tips! Try them and see if you get more receptivity when you talk. You can also read more on this subject by clicking here.

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara