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Life is rarely a smooth road. Sometimes things go how you want them to, and other times you hit significant obstacles and feel stuck. You feel stalled.

Getting stuck can be temporary but can also extend out in time and create a chasm that feels insurmountable. This kind of “stuck” requires some effort to change. You can’t just wait it out.

How do you turn that around?

I could tell you to pull yourself up by the bootstraps, as my parents (and their whole generation) might have said to me if I were stuck, but I don’t think that’s too helpful. It helps to break up the feeling of helplessness first, which isn’t always easy.

To do that, it’s best to take small, consistent steps to generate energy and momentum while lifting your emotions and putting you back in the driver’s seat.

Here are the steps I’d suggest you try.

Step #1: Describe the problem in detail.

What exactly is it that you wish to be different? Get very specific. Visualize it and write it out. What would your life look like if you could change your circumstances right now? As you do this exercise, prioritize the changes you’d like to see. What’s at the top of your list?

Step #2: Identify the barriers between what you want and where you are.

This one’s a little trickier. It helps to divide your barriers into two groups:

1. External barriers
2. Internal barriers

External barriers pertain to things in your environment. Possibilities are your job, relationships, finances, where you live, health, etc. You exert some control over these areas, but other factors and people also have input.

Internal barriers are under your control. They include emotional baggage leftover from your upbringing, stories you tell yourself about you and your circumstances, mental health issues, habits, subconscious messages you project that others pick up on, and self-doubt.

You must identify the barriers in both categories to make any change in your life.

Most people are reasonably good at identifying the external barriers but give less thought to the internal ones, which keeps them stuck. The internal barriers are more powerful, but fortunately, you can remove them.

Step #3: Start by identifying your internal barriers.

The stories you tell yourself about your external circumstances can have more power than the circumstances themselves, and it’s essential to become aware of your narratives and evaluate how they’re influencing your actions or, in some cases, lack of action. In what ways are these stories keeping you stuck and holding you hostage?

Start by doing some deep thinking and making a list of the internal barriers holding you back. Here are some possibilities to get you started.

1. Dysfunctional Habits.

What habits do you have that zap your energy and keep you from taking action?

2. Messages you project.

You might be projecting messages to others about yourself that they, in turn, feed back to you.

This one’s not easy, but it’s important. If you find yourself without friends, for example, what are you telling yourself about this? You might blame others and think they don’t appreciate you for who you are. Or, conversely, you might have grown up as an only child and spent a lot of time alone and now subconsciously send the message that you’re not available. Or maybe you’re projecting depression and neediness.

What messages do you project? Who do you present when you’re out there?

The best way to get at this one is to identify what you don’t like about how others treat you and then ask yourself what you might be doing to perpetuate that treatment. This isn’t about blaming yourself but rather figuring out what’s in the way of what you want.

It’s also essential to evaluate how you see yourself. Because that evaluation is subconsciously communicated to people you interact with, and they will inevitably mirror it right back.

3. Victim consciousness.

If you grew up being victimized, you might hang on to past experiences and blame your current circumstances on them. You facilitate repetitive experiences by maintaining a picture of yourself as a victim right now. You see what’s going on now as something out of your control.

4. All-or-nothing thinking.

This one’s a killer. If you can’t see how to change the entire picture, you won’t take any action because it won’t take you to the finish line. Things don’t work this way. Change is incremental. It’s one step at a time. Let go of the all-or-nothing mindset, and along with that, throw out perfectionism with it. They feed off each other.

Step #3 – Take action.

Start by identifying your strengths.

What do you have right now that will be an asset to meet your goal?

If you’ve done the above exercise, the first strength you can list is your ability to be honest with yourself and make use of insight. That’s a biggie! You can use it throughout the process.

List any skills that will help, habits you already have, and talents you might use.

Next, choose a specific action you can take that will begin moving you in the right direction.

You’ll note that I didn’t tell you to make a master plan of everything you need to do to change your situation. That’s on purpose. Master plans are overwhelming. If you could use those, you would already have done that and wouldn’t be reading this article.

Start with a single, small, concrete action.

Choose something you can do that doesn’t rely on someone else’s participation. That’s important because waiting on another person to make a decision or help change something will keep you stuck.

If you want to declutter your house, choose one specific thing you can get rid of and do that. Clean out your closet, but not your spouse’s stuff. Work on decluttering any part of the house you can with no one else’s input.

If you want a new career, evaluate what skills you need to acquire and start with one online course.

If you want to improve your health, start with walking 15 minutes per day, five days a week. Make it fun by listening to music while you do it.

If you want more friends, consider joining a group of some sort doing something you like where you’ll meet like-minded people: a church group, book club, exercise class at your gym, writing, cooking class – anything that will put you in contact with other people while doing something fun. It’s easier to make friends around an activity than at social events.

Do one thing at a time.

Pick something and do it. Don’t worry about whether it will get you to your big vision.

What happens when you take some small action and keep taking small steps is that the bigger problem breaks down, and unforeseen changes help you along the way.

It’s like driving in the fog. Just keep going even though you can’t see the destination. The way will clear as you go, your momentum will pick up, and you’ll make headway.

While doing this, set up three check-ins with yourself each day. Put them on your calendar if you like, and make it the same time every day. During these check-ins, correct any negative stories you’re telling yourself, review your progress, and reset your mindset if necessary.

One last thing.

If feeling stuck has to do with relationship issues, and you don’t feel that whoever’s involved is interested in making changes, then seek some counseling yourself. Get some help sorting through what’s keeping you stuck and what you might do to change this. If the relationship is toxic, by all means, do this.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Dilok Klaisataporn, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Dopamine is often referred to as the “feel-good” neurotransmitter because it’s involved in helping you feel pleasure as part of the brain’s reward system. It doesn’t actually produce pleasure, but it’s released when you feel pleasure, thus rewarding you and encouraging you to repeat that same behavior.

If you have a smartphone, you’ll know what this means. You look at your phone, find something of interest that gives you a jolt of pleasure, and put it back down. In no time, you pick it up again, looking for that same hit of dopamine, and continue this process repeatedly, always with the hope that something new pops up.

Dopamine has two sides:

1. It influences motivation, movement, memory, focus and attention, sleep, well-being, and behavior regulation.
2. It can also facilitate addiction, aggression, anxiety, and stress.

In the first case, you work on a creative project and with each step forward, you feel the pleasure of accomplishment. Dopamine encourages you to keep going by stimulating your motivation and concentration, and rewarding you as you go. This is the upside.

In the second case, you sit at a gambling table in a casino and throw your dice. The anticipation of winning stimulates dopamine and rewards your behavior, even in the face of loss. With repeated loss and attempts, you become stressed and anxious, yet you don’t stop. This is the downside.

The Goal

The way to make the best use of dopamine is to encourage its natural production with healthy habits, so it does its job without negative repercussions.

The goal is to stimulate energy, focus, and motivation while maintaining emotional equilibrium and a sense of well-being.

The wrong way to produce dopamine is via drugs like cocaine, excessive gaming, gambling, or any activity that has a potential for addiction.

How do I know if I’m low on dopamine?

The most common symptoms of dopamine deficiency are:

• Low energy
• Lack of motivation
• Inability to concentrate
• Low sex drive
• Moodiness – feeling blah or anxious
• Muscle cramps
• Stiffness
• Difficulty sleeping
• Loss of balance
• Weight loss or weight gain
• Hallucinations

Many of these symptoms can have other causes, but it doesn’t hurt to increase your dopamine naturally to see if you can get some relief.

Here are seven things you can try.

1. Exercise.

Exercise, particularly aerobic exercise, increases dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine levels (Ratey, 2008). You get the benefits of all three simultaneously in a balanced symphony of performance.

Dopamine and norepinephrine supply energy, arousal, attention, motivation, and reward. Serotonin keeps your mood steady and impulsivity in check. You get the perfect cocktail to produce calm energy, inspiration, and a sense of well-being.

Brisk walking, a turn on the treadmill, or any full-body activity such as dancing, running, or playing tennis can set you up to perform well on activities that require concentrated focus and brain work. Think of it as happy motivation with laser attention.

Other exercises that enhance dopamine and serotonin production are Yoga and Tai Chi. These exercises improve balance, a lack of which is one of the signs of low dopamine.

2. Meditate.

Several studies show the positive effects of meditation on dopamine production. One study found a 65% increase in dopamine release during the performance of Yoga Nidra, a particular type of meditation known as “yogic sleep.” It involves intense relaxation.

A second study conducted on Transcendental Meditation showed that regular meditation resulted in a decrease in “anxiety and stress (due to the decrease in cortisol and noradrenaline levels), and increased sensation of pleasure and well-being (due to an increase in the synthesis and release of dopamine and serotonin).”

The third study on mindfulness meditation found an increase in dopamine and melatonin and a reduction in cortisol and norepinephrine during meditative states.

Although all of these studies used relatively short time frames for finding their results, your best bet is to make meditation a regular daily practice, even if only for 10 minutes.

Consistency is more important than the amount of time. You can increase as you go, but start small and keep it going.

3. Listen to music.

Several research studies have shown that listening to music we love or that “gives us chills” is accompanied by a dopamine release in the brain’s reward system. Interestingly, the dopamine release seems to occur when we’re anticipating a favorite part of the song or piece during the time leading up to it.

The release of dopamine often occurs in response to anticipatory thoughts and emotions. Looking forward to a future event, the climax in a piece of music, or a good grade on an exam all reward us emotionally.

I play my favorite classical music when I cook but never put together the idea that this ritual increased my dopamine production. Likely the same thing happens when someone combines exercise with their favorite playlist. In that case, you get a double whammy!

4. Get enough sunlight.

Sunlight is a tricky proposition, especially for those of us who live in more tropical climates. You need it, but you must be careful not to overdo it because of the dangers associated with skin cancer.

Yet, not getting enough sunlight affects your levels of Vitamin D and the production of mood-boosting neurotransmitters in your brain.

One study followed 68 healthy adults who received more sunlight exposure than a control group for 30 days. The first group had the highest density of dopamine receptors in the reward areas of their brains.

The rub, of course, is that you can get similar results in tanning beds; however, these come with dangerous side effects and can be addictive.

The bottom line is some regular sun and Vitamin D supplementation. However, make sure you have routine bloodwork to check your levels of Vitamin D if you are supplementing.

5. Eat protein-rich foods.

Certain foods play critical roles in the production of dopamine. Specifically, the amino acid tyrosine has a starring role. A second amino acid – phenylalanine – assists in the production of tyrosine (Whitbread, 2022).

These amino acids are found in protein-rich foods. If you’re a meat-eater, you get them from these and some dairy sources. If you have a plant-based diet, you can get adequate amounts of tyrosine and phenylalanine from soy and legumes. Tofu is an excellent source! Bananas and avocados are also excellent sources!

6. Reduce saturated fat and chronic sugar intake.

Research has indicated that diets high in saturated fat negatively affect dopamine transmission (the transmission of signals between neurons). Further, “obesity has been linked to reduced dopamine release and reuptake,” (Wallace & Fordahl, 2021).

In other words, reduce saturated fat in your diet. Stick with mono- and unsaturated fats. If you eat whole foods as much as possible, you automatically reduce fat.

Sugar increases dopamine. However, if intake is regular over time, an opposite effect occurs: the number of receptors reduces, and dopamine release may be negatively affected. Stick to fresh fruits if possible. They’ll give you a boost in glucose which is a source of energy. As always, moderation is a good policy.

7. Get enough sleep.

Dopamine is associated with wakefulness, and in the natural cycles of sleep, dopamine release decreases at night when you’re going to sleep and is more active in the early hours of the morning before waking up.

However, you throw everything off when you disrupt sleep patterns by either getting too little sleep or sleeping at odd hours. Studies on sleep deprivation have shown changes in our D2 receptors, which are the receptors associated with wakefulness. D2 receptor binding was found to be lower in sleep-deprived people, meaning decreased amounts of dopamine.

All of this just means getting good sleep during regular sleeping hours (between 10 and 7), and going to bed no later than midnight (if you can sleep until 8).

That’s the list!

As always, I hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

_{Esch, T. (December 2013). The neurobiology of meditation and mindfulness. In S. Schmidt & H. Walach (Eds.), Meditation-Neuroscientific approaches and philosophical implications (pp. 153-173). Springer International Publishing. DOI:10.1007/978-3-319-01634-4_9}

_{Kiaer, T. W., Bertelsen, C., Piccini, P., Brooks, D., Alving, J., and Lou, H. C. (April 2022). Increased dopamine tone during meditation-induced change of consciousness. Cognitive Brain Research 13(2), 255-259. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0926-6410(01)00106-9}

_{Kühn, S., Düzel, S., Colzato, L., Norman, K., Gallinat, J., Brandmaier, A. M., Lindenberger, U., and Widaman, K. F. (December 18, 2017). Food for thought: Association between dietary tyrosine and cognitive performance in younger and older adults. Psychological Research 83, 1097-1106. https://doi.org/10.1007/s00426-017-0957-4}

_{Lieberman, D. Z and Long, M. E. (2018). The molecule of more. BenBella Books.}

_{Mosini, A. C., Saad, M., Braghetta, C. C., Medeiros, R., Peres, M. F. P., and Leão, F. C. (2019). Neurophysiological, cognitive-behavioral and neurochemical effects in practitioners of transcendental meditation – A literature review. Rev. Assoc. Med. Bras. 65(5) 706-713. http://dx.doi.org/10.1590/1806-9282.65.5.706}

_{Ratey, J. J. & Hagerman E. (2008). Spark: The revolutionary new science of exercise and the brain. Little, Brown and Company.}

_{Salimpoor, V., Benovoy, M., Larcher, K., Dagher, A, and Zatorre, R. J. (2011). Anatomically distinct dopamine release during anticipation and experience of peak emotion to music. Nature Neuroscience 14, 257-262. https://doi.org/10.1038/nn.2726}

_{Stanwood, G. D. (2019). Chapter 9 – Dopamine and Stress. In F. Fink (Ed.), Stress: Physiology, biochemistry, and pathology (105-114). Academic Press. https://doi.org/10.1016/B978-0-12-813146-6.00009-6}

_{Tsai, H., Chen, K. C., Yang, Y. K., Chen, P. S. Yeh, T. L, Chiu, N. T., and Lee, I. H. (January 2011). Sunshine-exposure variation of human striatal dopamine D2/D3 receptor availability in healthy volunteers. Progress in Neuro-Psychopharmacology and Biological Psychiatry. 35(1), 107-110. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pnpbp.2010.09.014}

_{Volkow, N. D., Tomasi, D., Wang, G., Telang, F., Fowler, J. S., Logan, J., Benveniste, H., Kim, R., Thanos, P. K., and Ferré, S. (May 2012). Evidence that sleep deprivation downregulates dopamine D2R in ventral striatum in the human brain. The Journal of Neuroscience 32(19), 6711-6717. doi: 10.1523/JNEUROSCI.0045-12.2012}

_{Wallace, C., & Fordahl, S. (2021). Obesity and dietary fat influence dopamine neurotransmission: Exploring the convergence of metabolic state, physiological stress, and inflammation on dopaminergic control of food intake. Nutrition Research Reviews, 1-16. doi:10.1017/S0954422421000196}

_{Watson, S. (July 20, 2021). Dopamine: The pathway to pleasure. Harvard Women’s Health Watch. https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/dopamine-the-pathway-to-pleasure}

_{Whitbread, D. (April 24, 2022). Top 10 foods highest in tyrosine. https://www.myfooddata.com/articles/high-tyrosine-foods.php}

Photo by Suriyawut Suriya, Courtesy of Shutterstock

I recently overheard a conversation between two women. One was describing an emotionally painful incident to the other. The woman listening replied, “You poor thing,” while frowning and down-turning her mouth (making a sad face). The woman telling her story became quiet, and there was an awkward pause. I kept moving at this point because I didn’t want to intrude, but it got me thinking.

Although the woman listening had good intentions, her response wasn’t really empathetic. It was an expression of pity and left the other woman feeling awkward and I’m guessing uncomfortable. She may have wished she hadn’t brought up the subject.

Feeling sorry for someone can make them feel worse.

There’s a one-up feeling of superiority when someone extends pity. “I feel sorry for you” creates distance between the person in pain and the person expressing pity. Here’s how Brené Brown describes it:

“There’s nothing worse than feeling pitied, and we have the research to show us why it feels so isolating. Pity involves four elements: a belief that the suffering person is inferior; a passive, self-focused reaction that does not include providing help; a desire to maintain emotional distance; and avoidance of sharing in the other person’s suffering,” (Brown, p. 120).

Empathy is the opposite of pity. With empathy, you:

1. Share someone’s pain.
2. Seek to understand their perspective.
3. Do what you can to help.

Sympathy is the third emotion in the trio, and like pity, it also has a distancing effect.

“I’m sorry you’re feeling that way, but I’m glad it’s not me.”

In both the cases of pity and sympathy, there’s no attempt to help alleviate or share the suffering. Those are essential aspects that differentiate empathy from pity and sympathy.

I’m certainly not criticizing anyone for trying to be sympathetic. We often don’t know what to do or say when someone’s in pain.

Today I’m going to give you some pointers on how to handle situations like this in a way that’s comfortable for you and helps the other person simultaneously.

Being Empathetic

There are four components to being empathetic. Let’s go through each, but before we start, keep in mind that empathy doesn’t involve fixing. You don’t need to fix the problem or fix the person. You may be asked for advice or help, and I’ll tell you how to know if and when you should offer that.

1. Understanding the Speaker’s Perspective.

This is what Brené Brown calls the cognitive component of empathy. It involves listening with an open mind and asking questions so that you understand how the speaker sees her situation. What’s her vision of what’s happening?

Your goal here is to understand more objectively what’s going on and why she’s upset or in pain.

Use questions to clarify, but don’t regale her with too many questions. It’s not an interrogation. Only ask what’s necessary to get the whole picture and help her unfold her story.

Listen with singular interest. Turn your body toward her, make eye contact, and keep still.

Empathy is attentiveness as much as it is understanding.

2. Willingness to Share Their Feelings

When you’re upset and tell someone how you feel, you want them to get it.

Being empathetic means being willing to share someone’s emotions.

You do this by drawing from your own history to understand what that person’s feeling. For example, you may not have had the exact same experience as the person talking, but you’ve had experiences that left you feeling the same or similar. Tap into that and feel along with them.

Listening with compassion means sharing someone’s suffering with them as they unfold it, so they don’t feel alone. By feeling along with them, you’re saying, “I can stand your pain.”

If you can stand their pain, they can stand it. That kind of support is immeasurable.

That’s a lot different than sympathy or pity, both of which are feeling sorry for someone but not feeling their pain. Empathy is connecting on a shared emotional level.

In a nutshell:

Be present, don’t feel like you need to fix something, and listen and feel what the other person is sharing with you.

The second part of sharing emotions is being able to communicate about them. When someone tells you what they’re feeling, say something back that lets them know you get it. “I can see how hard that was for you.” Or maybe you just say, “I get it!” It doesn’t have to be elaborate. Just let them know you see it and feel it through their lens.

3. Acceptance and Lack of Judgment

Empathy has no judgment. You accept how someone feels, and you validate it. It’s not about what’s right or wrong but about honoring someone else’s right to feel without restriction.

Have you had the experience of telling someone how you’re feeling about a situation, and they say something like, “You shouldn’t feel that way! It’s not good for you!”?

Doesn’t feel good, does it? Nope.

Being empathetic is listening, hearing, validating, and sharing.

You aren’t necessarily validating their view of the situation but validating how they feel about it.

Listening without judgment is powerful and often paves the way for someone to resolve some of those emotions or look at the situation differently as they work it out.

The worst thing you can do is launch a rebuttal about how the speaker “should” feel or why they should feel differently.

4. A Willingness to Help

Empathy includes a desire to help. Sometimes help is simply listening until the speaker experiences a shift in her emotions and feels soothed.

Other times, someone may ask you for something specific, such as advice or help to solve a problem.

If something more than listening is needed, don’t offer that until asked. It’s not empathetic to jump in and try to fix something.

I’m sure you’ve had that experience – you’re explaining how your feel about something, and the listener dives in with all kinds of advice about what you should do. You hear, “I don’t want to deal with your feelings,” or “I’m very uncomfortable with this.” It’s very off-putting and feels like a rejection. It might also make you angry.

Conversely, getting too caught up in the other person’s feelings is also not helpful. Empathy isn’t about immersing yourself in another person’s emotions. It’s about experiencing them from a place of mindfulness.

You feel them, but they pass through you. You contain the feelings for a while, so the other person gets some emotional space and then lets them go.

The Paradox

Being empathetic is a bit of a paradox.

• You feel along with the other person but don’t get swept away.
• You listen with acute attentiveness but still maintain objectivity so you can understand the other person’s vision of a situation.
• You help without feeling that you need to fix anything.
• You’re all the way in, yet not.

In doing all those, you serve as solid support for someone to feel and think their way through something. They have a partner, yet don’t expect you to make it all okay. They get compassion, understanding, and soothing. When done right, it’s exceptionally helpful!

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

_{Brown, Brené. Atlas of the Heart. Random House Publishing Group.}

_{Florian, V., Mikulincer, M., and Hirschberger, G. (1999). The Anatomy of a problematic emotion—The conceptualization and measurement of the experience of pity. Imagination, Cognition and Personality, 19(1), 3–25. https://doi.org/10.2190/4JG9-M79P-HJYK-AQNE}

_{Goleman, D. (2006). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ. Bantam Books.}

_{Kisling, J. (2018, November 6). The difference between empathy and sympathy. Psychiatric Medical Care. https://www.psychmc.com/articles/empathy-vs-sympathy}

_{Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032}

_{Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. HarperCollins Publishers.}

_{Wiseman, T. (1996). A concept analysis of empathy. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 23(6), 1162-67. doi: 10.1046/j.1365-2648.1996.12213.x.}

Photo by SIphotography, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Resentment is one of those pushy emotions that inserts itself into your psyche whether you like it or not. It’s unkind and stirs up other negative behaviors and emotions like judgment, anger, frustration, superiority, and envy.

Underneath it lies a layer of helplessness because when you feel resentful, you also usually feel paralyzed to do anything to change it. That’s why it’s so scratchy and irritating.

Today I’m going to break it down for you and tell you how to deal with it. Let’s start with causes.

Causes

The causes are varied. Some of the more common ones are:

1. Unfairness or inequity
2. Invasion of territory
3. Feeling dominated or held hostage
4. Being shunned, dismissed, demeaned, ignored, misunderstood, or belittled
5. Being taken advantage of

For example:

• Your co-worker regularly interrupts your train of thought with complaints and gossip.
• You carry more of the workload than another colleague, yet that person gets more accolades from the boss.
• You do more of the chores at home while your spouse spends time playing video games.
• You only hear from a friend when she needs something.
• You have no voice when it comes to work policies that affect you.

Not only do these situations lead to resentment, but they build over time because they’re repetitive, and you feel helpless to change them.

If we dig a little deeper, two primary issues lead to resentment. These are:

1. Not being recognized or valued
2. Envy

Not being recognized or valued

Any time you feel invaded, not taken seriously, taken advantage of, not considered or appreciated, or dismissed – you feel devalued.

There’s a sense of being less than everyone else, as though what you need is irrelevant while everyone else gets what they need.

It’s isolating and hurtful. And if this is an ongoing situation, it’s emotionally draining and damaging.

While resentment often creates anger and dissatisfaction, it can lead to depression when the causes are left unresolved.

Envy

I’ve been reading Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown, and she made a great point when talking about resentment. She said that resentment isn’t so much about anger that someone isn’t doing what they should, but rather that they get to do what you can’t.

If you’re working harder, the other person is getting to relax. You would like to be able to do that. You would like to be the one who’s taken care of, who gets the accolades, or whose feelings are considered.

Envy and resentment are best friends!

So what can you do?

Two Options

There are actually three options, but the third one is not advisable. It’s doing nothing and continuing to allow the resentment to build. There are consequences for taking this tact because it eventually damages relationships, job performance, or sometimes even your health.

The viable options are:

1. Do something to make a change
2. Let it go and focus elsewhere

Things You Can Do to Make a Change

Evaluate the situation.

What exactly do you resent? You need to name it and understand what’s driving your feelings about the situation before you can tackle it.

• Are you envious of something or someone?
• Are you feeling helpless, and if so, about what?
• Do you have expectations that aren’t being met?

In terms of this last one, you also have to ask whether or not the expectations are reasonable, including expectations of yourself or someone else.

The bottom line is to get clear on what it is you resent.

Set Boundaries

Once you know what’s driving the resentment, you’ll also see what you need to change if you want the feeling to resolve itself.

In most cases, resentment is related to a lack of boundaries.

This is particularly true when you feel taken advantage of, invaded, constantly interrupted, mistreated, or devalued. By not setting boundaries, you allow these behaviors to continue.

It’s hard to set boundaries if you aren’t used to or comfortable with voicing your thoughts and feelings. But there’s no other way, and setting boundaries is necessary at some point in everyone’s life. Once you do it and keep practicing, it will become second nature.

More importantly, when you set boundaries without hesitation, people won’t attempt to take advantage of you nearly as much. They can “feel you,” as the saying goes.

Tips for Setting Boundaries Effectively

To set boundaries doesn’t mean you have to go in trails blazing and erecting steel barriers. It means telling someone how you feel about what’s happening. To do that effectively, use those standard communication rules I’ve mentioned in past blogs:

• Use “I” messages – “When you do this, I feel this,” or “When this happens, I react with {whatever the emotion}.”
• Don’t attack – describe. Be specific. Say how you would like things to be. What do you need or want?
• Stay calm and be kind, yet firm.
• Ask how the other person feels about what you’re saying.

When you do that last thing, you invite the other person to add their thoughts and feelings to the discourse. It keeps you connected and helps to avoid things becoming adversarial.

You may find out something you didn’t know. Maybe the person doesn’t know they’re stepping on your toes. Not always, but sometimes.

It might take some negotiation or compromise if the subject is ongoing. However, you need to decide what’s negotiable or not and then make that clear.

Either way, just saying how you feel about something and what you need or want is very relieving, even if the response isn’t all you want it to be.

Letting Go

Sometimes you can let go of something without continuing to feel resentful. If so, do it.

In other cases, a situation may arise where there doesn’t seem to be a way to resolve the issue causing the resentment.

For example, you might have a co-worker who slacks on his work, and you take up that slack most of the time. If your boss isn’t willing to deal with the problem, and the co-worker is oblivious to your attempts to set boundaries, you might decide you can’t solve this problem. An alternative would be to let go of this job and find another that’s more suitable.

Sometimes you have to cut your losses because fighting the situation will not be fruitful.

In a case like this, it might take more time to make the changes you need to make, but deciding to begin working on a course of action will help you move away from the resentment and put your energy into your next steps. Taking action is pivotal in breaking through the feelings of helplessness.

The Takeaway

Resentment is an alarm to inform you that there’s a situation requiring some action on your part. When you feel it, don’t let it fester.

Always check first to see if the resentment’s misplaced. Are your conclusions about the situation accurate? Are you projecting some of your issues onto someone else and then resenting them for what’s actually your problem? It may be that there are issues on both sides.

Once you’re clear on that, decide what action you need to take. Write out steps if that helps. Talk to someone you trust if that helps determine how to go about it, but stop venting and do something. You’ll feel better!

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

PS – For more help with setting boundaries, click here to read How to Set Boundaries and Why You Should

Photo by sdominick, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Have you had the experience of conversing with someone, and they make an off-handed comment that quickly heats you up and sends you into a rage?

Or maybe the remark was seemingly innocuous but smacked of criticism. Before you could stop yourself, your eyes filled with tears, and you felt like you needed to be anywhere but where you were right then.

In both cases, your emotions took on a life of their own and had control over you.

This happens to almost everyone at one time or another, but it happens a lot for some. It’s uncomfortable. The bigger problem is that it can lead to an impulsive response you later wish you could take back.

So what do you do when it happens?

There’s not a simplistic solution to this one because there’s usually a lot driving it, but there are some things you can do to tamp down your reactivity.

Let’s start by identifying what those sparks are about.

The Triggers

Most likely, you become reactive in particular situations, and this is because there are specific triggers that set you off.

The first step in handling the problem is figuring out what those triggers are.

You can do this by reviewing any situation where you became emotionally reactive and maybe lost your cool – hopefully, one that’s fresh so you can remember details.

Once you have the incident in mind, go through the following steps. I would suggest writing this out so you can see what you have to work with.

1. Identify the words, gestures, or statements that initiated the reaction.

Write out a description with as much detail as you can – what you said, what the other person said, and any behaviors that triggered you, such as body language.

2. Identify and describe your reaction, both outward and inward.

In other words, what did you say or do? What did you think, feel, and say to yourself? What did you feel bodily? For example, did you heat up, get cold, or maybe tremble? Did you close your fists?

3. Next, you want to identify the critical trigger that set you off.

If you’ve done a thorough job of the two above, you likely know what bothered you and how it made you feel. Then again, you may only be at the surface at this point. Keep drilling down until you get to the core feeling or issue that set you off. Where did this trigger originate?

Here’s an example:

You forgot to take out the trash the night before for pickup, and your spouse mentioned it to you in passing. You became enraged and defensive. He mildly commented that he wasn’t criticizing you – he just happened to notice because the trash can was still full, which surprised him. Still, you fretted and began a whole series of conversations in your head like this:

“Why am I the person who has to take out the trash? I make one little mistake, and the whole world teeters on its axle! Who does he think he is anyway? Is he so perfect? I think not! Couldn’t he have just let it go and offered to take over that job for me? I do everything, but does anyone appreciate that?”

So as we drill down into this situation, several things come to light:

• This woman is the go-to person in her relationship for orchestrating home stuff. She does more of that than does her husband.
• She also has a history of holding this position in her family. She’s the oldest child, did a lot of caretaking growing up, and had adult responsibilities way before she was old enough to take them on.
• This pattern continued as she moved into her early adulthood. She became the leader and manager of activities and events for her friends, extended family, and at her job.
• When she got married, she automatically took on these roles.

Now the trigger becomes clear. It’s not just about taking out the trash. It’s about this woman’s identity as a caretaker and manager, and resentment built up over the years for having to take on these roles.

She’s stuck between expecting herself to be all things to all people and also resenting the expectation. Her husband just lit up the smoldering ashes of the resentment. For her, perceived criticism threatens who she is and who she resents having to be. It’s a Catch-22.

And it’s complex.

What now?

In our example, the woman would need to examine her roles as caretaker and manager and decide what she wants to change. This task isn’t easy because these roles are embedded in how she sees herself.

1. She may decide, for example, that she doesn’t need to feel responsible for everything, and she can rely on others to take some of those responsibilities off her plate. However, this is a big identity shift and may take some time to get comfortable with.
2. She can also learn to set boundaries and say no to things that are too much.
3. She can recognize that she wasn’t upset because her husband noticed what she’d forgotten to do, but because she interpreted that event as a hit to her sense of self. She came down on herself and then projected it back out as her husband criticizing her.

The point of this story is that there is often a lot driving emotional reactivity. Sometimes your triggers are embedded in your identity, and these are harder to see and change. But you can do it. The key is awareness first, and then working through the emotions and beliefs that keep you there. Once you do that, the trigger loses its power and you no longer react to it.

Immediate Things You Can Do

1. Take a break.

If you’re outraged or overwhelmed in a situation, take a break. Don’t think twice about this. Just do it. It takes your brain at least 20 minutes to calm down when you get upset or so heated up that you can’t think objectively. Give yourself as much time as you need. Don’t think of this as a weakness. It’s a smart move!

2. Ask questions.

If you can stay in the conversation, switch from defending to asking questions of the other person. Again in our example, the wife could have said, “Did it bother you that the trash didn’t get taken this week?” If he responded that it did, she could say, “I’m sorry it did, but I’ve got too much going on. Would you be responsible for that next week?” Or if he says no, she could let it go. Either way, asking about it defuses emotional reactivity.

3. Watch your self-talk.

This woman could have just laughed it off and said, “Yep, my brain was too full. Next week I’ll get it.” Or she could say to herself, “Oh well, I can’t always get everything perfect and that’s fine.”

One Last Thing

Emotional reactivity is always related to some preconceived idea about how you should be, how someone else should be, or how things, in general, should be. Identify those expectations, and you’ll know where you need to intervene to be less reactive.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by baona, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Summer’s here! And that reminds me of summer reading assignments from school. Most kids hate them because, well, who wants to have homework during the summer? Probably no one, but I haven’t lost the summer reading habit. And when it’s voluntary, it’s not a problem.

Summer’s a good time to take stock of what I call “personal operations.” In other words, how’s your productivity and focus? Are you sticking to good habits and finishing things you start?

If not, this reading list will give you what you need to make changes that stick. I’ve got six titles in all, but I’ll admit I had a hard time limiting my list to just six. I’ve added some others at the end of the blog you can check out if you like.

My first book is all about habits.

1. Atomic Habits by James Clear

Atomic Habits is one of the most valuable books I’ve ever read, and I return to it often to remind myself of the steps that lead to creating and instilling new habits permanently. Clear begins with three ideas that run throughout the book:

1) Habits have compounding effects meaning they increase in power over time. These effects apply to negative patterns as well as positive ones.

2) The point of focus needs to be on process rather than outcomes. By building a system of incremental improvements daily, we reach goals.

3) Habits that stick become part of our identity.

He goes on to offer Four Laws to implement building new habits, and he details the specific actions to make that work and overcome obstacles that get in the way. It reads like a handbook for habit-building. And what a great handbook!

2. Finish by Jon Acuff

I’m great at starting but not so great at finishing. If that rings a bell for you, you’ll love this book!

Jon Acuff has a good grasp of the emotional issues that get in the way of finishing things you start, and he outlines all of them in detail. He hits especially hard on perfectionism and does it in a way that even a perfectionist can accept.

The book is full of strategies that are easy to use to keep you under the radar of your resistance. His approach is both powerful and useful. A big plus is that he writes with a lot of humor and is easy to read, so much so that you’ll want to finish this book!

3. Essentialism by Greg McKeown

There are some books everyone should read, and this one falls into that category. Greg McKeown presents a complete system and methodology for cleaning out life’s input and narrowing your focus down to what’s essential. He’s the Marie Kondo for decluttering your emotional home.

He divides the book into four sections: Essence, Explore, Eliminate and Execute. Under each, McKeown offers practical approaches and methods for successfully applying the main concepts. One of my favorites is the 90 Percent Rule. In his words:

“As you evaluate an option think about the single most important criterion for that decision, and then simply give the option a score between 0 and 100. If you rate it any lower than 90 percent, then automatically change the rating to 0 and simply reject it.”

His system is thoughtful, proactive, and easy to follow. Most of all, it’s an antidote to the overwhelm resulting from too much coming in from all sides. He shows you how to take charge of that and simplify. A must-read.

4. Deep Work by Cal Newport

Deep Work is the book to read if you have work that requires intensive brain power and concentration. Newport starts by making a distinction between “deep work” and “shallow work.”

Deep work is cognitively demanding and pushes your cognitive capabilities to their limit, whereas shallow work includes tasks you can perform while dealing with distractions. Think writing a paper versus catching up on emails.

From there, the book offers strategies for setting up an environment and system for engaging in deep work in time blocks when you’re most likely to be able to attend, focus and persevere. Newport’s methods work!

I use them regularly and have seen significant improvement in my output. I especially like scheduling your “deep work” time blocks first and then fitting in shallow work around those. The separation of the two is relieving and frees your mind to concentrate with greater success.

5. The War of Art by Steven Pressfield

These last two books on my list deal with resistance. The War of Art is one of those must-read books on the list for anyone who is or has tried to pursue a goal requiring sustained, engaged, creative effort.

His premise is that as soon as you decide to pursue a goal like creating a company, writing a book, learning to play an instrument, sticking to a diet, or anything that requires staying power, you’re met with both internal and external resistance that hammers at you throughout the process. It’s inevitable and happens to everyone.

He shows you all the ways this happens, many of which sneak in under your awareness radar, and then he tells you how to outsmart them. If there’s anything you want to accomplish, read this book first! It’s a brilliant book and hits you right between the eyes.

6. Grit by Angela Duckworth

Grit’s been on the New York Times bestseller list forever, and that’s because it’s a textbook for finding and growing passion for work through perseverance and commitment. Duckworth makes an important distinction between talent and grit and focuses on grit as the most necessary ingredient for success in any endeavor.

The book is comprehensive in its inclusion of work done by other researchers and authors including deliberate practice, the experience of “flow,” the growth mindset, and peak performance. Duckworth’s research is stellar, and she uses real-life examples throughout the book to illuminate the material.

“Grit” is the thing that gets us through failures, setbacks, and obstacles. Developing and sustaining it is crucial, and this book provides the steps to do that.

Other Books You Might Like

If you read a couple of books from the list above, you’ll benefit greatly and learn how to create a system that’ll work. However, here are a few other titles you might like.

Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence by Daniel Goleman
Effortless: Make It Easier to Do What Matters Most by Greg McKeown
The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck
Flow: A Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
The Practicing Mind by Thomas M. Sterner
Do the Work by Steven Pressfield (a short version of The War of Art)

All these books are worth reading, and you can read any of them leisurely over time. It depends on how you like to read nonfiction books, how dense the material is, and whether the subject matter targets your interest and needs.

I do know that reading any one of them will give you something you can use and raise your level of productivity and work satisfaction, regardless of what work you’re pursuing.

Happy reading!

I’ll see you next week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by sdecoret, Courtesy of iStock Photo

One of the cultural mantras in vogue right now is “Find your passion!” How many times have you heard that? Unless you’re living off the grid, I’m sure you’re familiar with it.

Personally, I’m not a fan, although I appreciate its intention. The idea is to do work that you love and are passionate about. Doing work you love is indeed a wonderful thing! However, the problem with the message is that it includes the unspoken tagline:

“You should be passionate about something, preferably one thing, and be able to discover what that is.”

I didn’t know what I wanted to do when I was starting out, and even in college, I wasn’t sure. Some people have an obvious gift early on in life and pursue a single track that aligns with their talents and interest. But for most of us, that’s not the case.

You have an interest, you try something, change your mind, do something else, and sometimes stay somewhere for a while because you need the income or have other responsibilities that get in the way. That’s the way it goes for many people.

Today I’m going to give you a different way of looking at the idea of “finding your passion” that will hopefully resonate and give you some strategies you can use to pursue your interests.

My Story

Let me start with this short story to illustrate how this works.

When I was in college, I hated writing. I could only write a paper when the deadline was looming, and my fear of failing was greater than my horror of writing. I was a math person and wanted nothing to do with language arts. I probably should have been an accountant! However, I graduated with a degree in Humanities and Religious Studies, which I loved, but still had no career in mind.

Over the next five or more years, I had several friends who worked in social services, and I became interested in psychology. I went to graduate school when I was 27 and got my Master’s in Clinical Social Work. I didn’t have a burning interest in becoming a therapist at that time, but I had to do something, and it was a career path. Initially, I worked in the child abuse field, which was brutal, and eventually got an administrative job for a social service agency at the University of Florida.

Here’s where things got interesting. As part of my job, I had to write – a lot! Reports, evaluations, assessments, education packets, and grants. I did so much of it that it became easy, and I got better at it. And I got a lot of reinforcement for doing it well, which helped.

I’ll skip all the rest, but that brings me up to today. Writing is the thing I love to do most! Who knew!

Four Necessary Things

I told you that story because I want to point out that finding work you love isn’t a straight path. It’s often winding and rocky. It’s an exercise in faith and keeping yourself open to possibilities.

Four things are involved. These are:

1. Interest and Exposure
2. Energization
3. Competence and Mastery
4. Purpose

Let’s go through them.

1. Interest and Exposure

Being exposed to an activity or area of interest is necessary before building a passion for it, and exposure often happens accidentally. Or at least it seems accidental. Whether that’s true or not, or there’s some destiny or fate involved, I won’t argue. That would take us way off track. But indeed, exposure allows you to dip your feet into something and explore whether you feel attracted to it or not.

Exposure happens when you’re doing something.

That means that just sitting back and thinking about what you might be passionate about often leaves you feeling strained and defeated because you have no real experience to work with.

A better approach is to engage in something and see where it takes you. You might get a job, take a course, get involved in an extra-curricular activity, or read a book.

Doing something is like a spark plug. It gets the engine going so the car can move forward.

Sometimes you get a job and find out you don’t necessarily like the job overall, but some part of the work holds your interest and spurs you on to get more education or training to develop that interest. Or, as in my case, the job you got required you to engage in an activity you had some talent for but didn’t know it and sparked a new interest.

The trajectory may be something you can’t chart out, but you narrow down your interests as you go through exposing yourself to different activities and work.

2. Energization

As you try out different activities, you’ll find that some energize you while others bore you. Even when you get good at something, you’ll likely let it go or move on to something else if it doesn’t energize you.

So as you begin your exploration of various activities and interests, move towards those that energize and excite you.

3. Competence

Once you have an interest and feel invigorated by the activity, you need to pursue it and become competent. This requires practice and perseverance over time. The pursuit of mastery deepens your passion for something. The better you get at it, the more you like it and want to do it.

One of the benefits is the experience of something called “flow.” Flow happens when you get super focused and lose yourself in an activity. You become one with it, and it feels effortless. You can have this experience with any activity when fully engaged and energized.

Sometimes developing a passion for something comes after you begin to build competence in performing it.

That happened to me with writing. Getting better at it made it attractive and created a desire to do different types of writing and explore new techniques. Exposure and practice occurred before interest and passion in that case.

4. Purpose

For passion to remain and deepen over time, you need to believe that there is purpose in sustaining it. In her book Grit, Angela Duckworth describes it perfectly. She says this:

“What ripens passion is the conviction that your work matters. For most people, interest without purpose is nearly impossible to sustain for a lifetime. It is therefore imperative that you identify your work as both personally interesting and, at the same time, integrally connected to the well-being of others.”

That doesn’t mean what you do has to directly help others, such as working in a service-oriented profession. It means that the work contributes to the overall well-being of all of us. Being an excellent homemaker and parent benefits everyone, as does being a physician who directly works with patients.

Full Circle

So we’ve gone full circle from the spark of interest to a life’s work with deep purpose.

You now understand that finding your passion is “a little bit of discovery, followed by a lot of development, and then a lifetime of deepening,” (Duckworth, 2016).

And, I might add, it can occur during any stage of your life and at any age. Many very successful and engaged people found that trajectory in their 50s or after. So keep at it!

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_{FOOTNOTES
Duckworth, A. (2016). Grit: The power of passion and perseverance. Scribner.
Csikszentmihalyi, M. (2008). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. Harper.}

Photo by stock_colors, Courtesy of iStockPhoto

Have you had the experience of needing to vent about something and being told you’re complaining too much? Or maybe you need to be more positive and stop being so pessimistic?

Complaining is a natural human activity, yet it gets a bad rap most of the time. The usual characterization is that it’s negative and harmful.

But is it? Is it only bad for you? Are there instances where it’s good?

That’s today’s question, and the answer is: It depends on how and why you’re doing it.

Let’s dive in.

Motives for Complaining

There are two motives for complaining:

1. Purposeful resolution
2. Defensive avoidance

Purposeful complaining is hopeful. There’s an intention to solve a problem, get a different perspective, or let something go. The overall motive is to reach a positive outcome.

Defensive complaining is chronic. It’s a means of avoidance, blame, projection, and ultimately inaction. The act of complaining itself is the motive, and the outcome is more complaining.

Keep this in mind as we go through types of complaining and their effects. Let’s start with the “pros” category.

The Pros

There are two main types of complaints that fall into this category: venting and protesting.

Venting

Venting is probably the most common type of complaining, and we all do it. If done correctly, venting allows you to release and crystalize negative feelings hanging you up. There are several positive effects to this.

One, it creates mental space. As you tell someone who listens attentively and with empathy what’s bothering you, you feel your emotions begin to unwind. Some space starts to clear in your mind so you can sort things through.

You transfer your feelings in part to the listener who contains them for you, so you have some relief from feeling overwhelmed.

This gives you some time to get your thinking brain back on board.

Two, it validates your feelings. As the listener responds to what you’re saying and reflects back on your concerns, your feelings are validated.

For example, you might complain about not getting a promotion at work, and you have many reasons why you think it’s unfair. A good listener will validate your feelings, ranging from sadness and loss to anger and frustration. That doesn’t mean they need to validate your reasoning.

If the listener is astute and can hold that line, it might give you time to reassess your thoughts and conclusions.

Last, it clears the way for problem-solving. Once your feelings are heard and validated, you’re able to begin thinking more objectively about the situation.

A good outcome is that the emotions get redirected toward taking action to resolve an issue.

It might be that you think something through, get a new perspective, and decide to let it go or take specific steps to solve a problem.

Protesting

Protesting is objecting to something you feel needs to be corrected or changed. You may vent while protesting, so there’s an overlap between the two, but protesting has a more explicit aim and includes a call to action.

Protesting is one of the primary ways we all have to facilitate change.

These might be small changes like reworking a policy at the office or big sweeping changes like political or social reform. Protesting includes a need to act. Venting can occur with no agenda other than to be heard, validated, and soothed.

The ultimate objective of both constructive venting and protesting is to remove an obstacle and move forward. The goal is resolution.

Now let’s move on to the “cons.”

The Cons

The cons occur with chronic, defensive complaining. Here they are.

It’s habitual.

The more you complain, the more it becomes an automated habit with a life of its own. It becomes the reflexive response to most situations.

It’s contagious.

If you complain to a chronic complainer, they will quickly jump on the bandwagon and inflate your views. This can take the original complaint into another whole realm of negativity in which both complainer and listener get caught up in exaggerated venting. Anger can soar under these circumstances.

It’s depressing.

It creates a pessimistic outlook by narrowing your observations to only what’s wrong. The more you engage in it, the more your negative views are confirmed and the more hopeless you become. Everything looks bleak. Chronic complainers take great advantage of confirmation bias by seeking only information that will corroborate what they already think.

It’s bad for relationships.

When you infuse your relationships with chronic negative complaining that has an angry edge, you’re slowly dripping poison into the connection between you and the other person.

Remember how I explained that when you vent to someone, they hold your emotions for you, so you get mental space? This works well when you vent constructively. But when you complain repetitively without motivation to resolve something, it builds up toxins that erode the connection. It’s too much for the other person to digest.

Hopelessness spreads from one person to the other, and eventually, someone breaks free because it’s too overwhelming and harmful. Or, both people become beacons of negativity and pessimism and shrink their outlook and world.

It shuts down innovation.

When you feel hopeless and perpetually pessimistic, there’s no drive to do anything creative or innovative. What’s the point? Chronic complainers shut out positive input. They refuse to see things that are going well or that offer hope. Their mindset paralyzes them.

So how do I complain the right way?

Here are some quick guidelines:

1. Choose the right person to vent or complain to.

If you need to be heard and understood to work through your feelings, choose someone you trust to remain objective and who will let you talk. This person should be empathetic and have your best interest at heart, and someone who won’t jump on the bandwagon and make things worse.

2. Take notice of repetitive complaints.

If you find yourself repeating the same complaints more than a few times, it’s time to take some action to resolve the issue.

Chronic complaints are signals that you need to do something. Don’t avoid taking action. Seek solutions rather than blame. Target your complaints to people who can help provide answers.

3. Tip the positive/negative scale slightly up.

If you tend to notice what’s wrong more than what’s right, change that. Make a conscious, concerted effort to see what’s going well.

If you watch the news regularly, you know that the focus is on what’s wrong. That’s the nature of news broadcasting. To combat that, you’d have to seek out news about things going well, and in fact, there’s a lot of that news, but you have to search for it.

Do that same thing in your personal life. Keep that balance.

4. Challenge “victim consciousness.”

You may see yourself as a victim. Maybe you were victimized growing up and had reason to feel the way you do. However, as an adult, you can choose to remain a victim or not.

By identifying yourself as a victim, you feel chronically helpless and pessimistic, which you express with chronic complaining.

If you find yourself in this place, seek some therapy to help you work this through. The goal is to break free from “victim consciousness” and take charge of your life.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Tharakorn, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Let me start by adding a qualifier to that question:

Are you afraid to say what you think or how you feel when speaking face to face with someone?

Social media or texting doesn’t count. It’s much easier to say anything when you don’t have to face the person on the receiving end. But when you can see, feel, and directly hear someone’s reaction, it’s a whole different story.

If you have no problem with communicating your thoughts and feelings, keep reading anyway because I’m going to talk some about how to do it in a way that’ll increase your chances of being heard.

But first, let’s start with the obstacles that get in the way of speaking your mind truthfully. If you know what’s holding you back, it’s easier to clear the way to move beyond it.

What Gets in the Way

Fear of Anger or Conflict

You may be afraid of someone’s reactions to your true thoughts or feelings because the person in question has shown an inability to hear something they dislike without becoming volatile or defensive. If that’s the case, the problem is related to just this person.

But if you find yourself worrying that anyone could get angry when you express your feelings candidly, then you likely have a parent who gave you messages to suppress your emotions and reacted negatively or angrily when you did.

Fear of Exposure

You feel too vulnerable when you let someone into your inner world. You might not trust anyone to know you because someone could use this knowledge against you at another time. Maybe you were shamed growing up when you exposed yourself. Or you were hurt by someone you thought you could trust, yet they betrayed you. So you’ve closed down to avoid pain.

Fear of Criticism, Humiliation, or Dismissal

Have you ever said something and felt stupid? It’s that feeling of being in the spotlight and wishing you could evaporate. You feel even worse if the person you’re talking to openly criticizes you or dismisses you without a response. You feel humiliated and demeaned.

Again, this might be a function of the person you’re speaking to, but if you have a general fear of being criticized or scorned, you most likely experienced this growing up.

Chronic criticism and dismissal of your thoughts and feelings, even as a child, can be devastating over time and instill a fear of the same as an adult.

Fear of Not Being Heard or Understood

This fear is related to several possibilities.

1. You might have difficulty articulating what you want to say. You get tongue-tied or overwhelmed when expressing yourself verbally, and you don’t come off the way you want to.
2. Secondly, you might feel that the other person can’t relate to what you have to say or isn’t good at listening. Maybe they tend to take over conversations, offer advice before you’re ready, or interrupt too much.
3. You become self-conscious and uncomfortable when the attention is on you and find it difficult to speak up without feeling intimidated.

What You Can Do

1. Learn to label your feelings succinctly and accurately.

Be specific, use the most accurate feeling words you can, and provide enough information so the listener won’t have to work to understand you. Say something like, “I’m feeling quite guilty about canceling plans with my friend this weekend to go kayaking,” instead of “I feel bad.” It makes a big difference to the listener. You might like reading Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown to help with this exercise.

The other half of this is becoming more aware of your thoughts and feelings and allowing them to come up instead of suppressing them. If you know yourself well, it’s easier for others to know you.

2. Start by practicing with people you trust.

Practice talking freely and expressing yourself first with people whom you know are receptive, trustworthy, accepting, and interested.

Take your time honing your ability to articulate your feelings. Begin with casual subjects to get the hang of expressing what you have to say without much stress. As you get better at it, you can move on to more complex subjects that have emotional meaning for you.

A caveat: If you have a partner or someone close to you who loses their temper quickly or regularly shames you, consider talking to them about their behavior when you’re not in the middle of a conflict. If that seems too complicated or dangerous, seek counseling together if they’ll agree. If not, go yourself.

No one should be intimidated by a partner, family member, or friend.

3. Listen at least as much as you speak.

Make sure that you make room for the other person to respond or say whatever’s on their mind in any interchange. Listening is the other side of speaking and significantly impacts how well any conversation goes.

The great thing about asking questions and showing interest in the other person’s point of view is that they feel valued and are more likely to value what you have to say.

Good conversations are reciprocal. Listening with interest will draw people to you, and you’ll find it easier to relax. They’ll enjoy talking to you.

4. Work on desensitizing yourself from anxiety while speaking.

Getting over the fear of criticism, dismissal, or shaming is a process of desensitization. The more you put yourself in situations to have honest conversations where you reveal yourself, the less fear you feel and the more comfortable you become.

You should aim to be open, candid, and direct with people you feel are receptive to you and who you trust. You especially want to be able to speak about things that are important to you or that have an impact on your relationships. You do need to be choosy about who you tell what depending on your level of trust.

Remember that what you have to say is equally important as what anyone else has to say. Your thoughts and feelings are valuable, and you have the right to express them as long as you’re respectful.

Basic rules of conduct to follow:

• Avoid personal attacks.
• Use “I” messages.
• Own your thoughts and feelings without blame or shame.
• Listen as much as you talk.
• Show empathy for the other person as well as yourself. Empathizing with someone’s feelings keeps you both on the same side.
• Agree to disagree when there’s an issue. Respectfully listen to someone else’s ideas without personally denigrating them, yet don’t feel you need to agree.
• Take your time and speak slowly if you find your thoughts moving too fast. It’s OK to say, “I’m having trouble articulating this. Let me try it a different way.” And then try again.

Last Thing

Try therapy if you have difficulty speaking up because of low self-worth or thinking you’re not good enough. That’s a great place to get used to verbalizing yourself freely and without judgment, while also getting better at recognizing and becoming aware of exactly what you think and feel.

A second way to improve verbal skills and get more comfortable speaking is to take on leadership roles. You can do this at work, engage in community projects, join an organization, or join a book club.

Above all, don’t let fear get in the way of expressing yourself. Verbal communication is the primary way we connect, so it’s worth working on!

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by RapidEye, Courtesy of iStock Photo

You make decisions all day long, from when you rise until drifting off to sleep at night. And even then, you may wrestle with problems while dreaming and pulling information from your subconscious to help out.

Most of the time, the daily decisions go on automatically. However, the big ones that have a more significant impact are the ones that grab your attention and hold it until you finally decide to take a leap and commit to something.

Sometimes this process doesn’t go easily because of anxiety, fear, or too many choices that circulate in your mind and keep you in limbo. Yet, you still have to decide. So how do you get over that hump?

Today I’m giving you some guidelines to help smooth out the process. But first, let’s talk a little about your brain.

A Little Background

Before you get into the actual decision-making process, it helps to understand how your brain works and what conditions are most conducive to helping it function well.

Your brain has a limited capacity.

I was making celery juice this morning, and as I watched the juicer working on the celery, it likened it to how the brain works when we fill it up. It can only process so much celery at a time, and if you try to jam more in, it gets stuck. If you cut the celery into small pieces and feed them in at a slow pace, it processes everything well, and the motor keeps churning smoothly without a hitch. But if you add pieces that are too large or fill the feed with too much at once, it stops working.

Your brain is the same way. You can overload it and bring it to a screeching halt.

Help your brain function better by doing this:

Get a whole night’s sleep.

Your brain goes through a wash and rinse cycle and clears out extraneous material when you sleep. This is an actual neurological process, not just a metaphor. There’s a physical component to it. When you don’t get enough sleep, brain trash accumulates, and you can’t think well.

Water it.

Your brain is roughly 73 percent water. It takes only 2 percent dehydration to adversely affect your attention and cognition. Drinking water can prevent that and help your brain work optimally.

Feed it.

In addition to water, your brain needs glucose to function. Glucose supplies the energy for your body, and your brain uses about 20 percent of your total body’s energy needs. You need to feed it properly, especially before working on any brain-intensive problem.

Clear mental clutter.

Get all the little daily decisions out of the way. All decisions use energy, even the small ones. When you decide what to wear and what to eat, whether to look on Facebook or check your email, or what show to watch, etc., you’re using up a limited supply of energy.

Do your best to automate and routinize these decisions, so you aren’t wasting your brain capacity on them. Don’t wait to decide what to wear to the office when you get up. Decide the night before. Clear your mental desk ahead.

To summarize – Before working on a big decision:

• Get 8 hours of sleep.
• Drink a full 8-ounce glass of water.
• Eat a light meal.
• Clear your mental desk.

A note about food:

Heavy, fat-laden meals will make your brain sluggish. Make sure you eat whole food like fresh fruit, veggies, beans, and whole grains, and if you eat meat, stick to a small piece of fish.

My go-to on thinking days is to have a glass of fresh veggie juice followed by a small fruit bowl, and then work through the morning. I wait to introduce food until lunch.

Most people disagree with that approach, but it works well because your digestive system isn’t pulling energy away from your brain.

You do what works best for you. Just make sure you aren’t overburdening your body with heavy digestive tasks.

Now for the Process

1. Identify the problem with clarity.

Get clear on the decision you need to make. Don’t start weighing options until you’ve defined the problem in detail.

2. Do your research.

Gather all the relevant information you might need to make an educated decision. If you tend to go with your gut on decisions, that’s fine, but don’t do it yet. Wait until you’ve gone through the whole process and gotten your ducks in a row. Then consult your gut.

Getting the information might require consulting someone in the know, reading something, or Googling something. Make a quick list of what you need to find out, then do it or schedule it.

3. Organize your information and analyze it.

Don’t do this in your head. Write it down to get it out of your head and see it visually. This helps your brain with processing and analyzing. It’s like cleaning up as you cook, so counter space is available.

4. Whittle down the choices.

There’s a cool video on Youtube about decision-making by Patrick McGinnis where he talks about FOBO – “Fear of Better Options.” It’s worth watching. The gist is that we can paralyze ourselves when trying to make a decision by continuing to entertain more and more options and never narrowing down our choices. You get into an all-or-nothing mindset, and your decision takes on a life or death feel – “If I make the wrong decision, I can never come back or right it. I’ll be doomed.”

For most decisions, this isn’t at all true. You can make the best decision now and later decide to alter it or go in another direction. There are no perfect decisions, but there may be more than one right one.

Whittle choices down to between 3 and 4 at most. Two options can be a little daunting because it creates an either-or mindset, but sometimes you can’t help that. Don’t try to decide when there are eight or nine+ choices. It’s best to keep it under four.

5. Take a forward and backward look.

If your decision pertains to anything you’ve experienced previously, review what you’ve learned that might help you decide.

Conversely, play out the future consequences of your decision. What could happen as a result of the direction you choose? You’re evaluating risks versus gains. How risky is the decision, and what’s a backup plan if you decide to change your mind down the road? If this is a big decision, how might it look a year from now? How could you pivot if you need to?

6. Sleep on it.

Unless you have to make an immediate decision, don’t ever make it until you’ve slept on it or allowed 24 hours away from thinking about it. When you do that, you allow your subconscious an opportunity to scan your brain’s hard drive for information that might help sway you in the best direction. It will enable you to cool emotions that might be getting in the way.

7. Decision time.

Commit to a decision and go forward. Don’t keep vacillating and going through what-if scenarios. Sometimes decision-making feels like a multiple choice question where two answers seem right, but you have to pick one. Pick one. You can adjust if it doesn’t work just like you thought it would.

That’s all for today!

Have a great weekend, and I’ll be back to you next Monday!

All my best,

Barbara