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This blog is Part 2 of our work on learning how to set boundaries. If you didn’t read Part 1, it would be good to go back and read it first by clicking here.

Briefly, we covered signs that indicate you need to work on setting boundaries and the myths that hold you hostage and keep you from doing it.

Today we’ll continue with strategies you can use to decide what boundaries to set and how, and then talk about how to maintain them.

Let’s dive in!

The Strategies

Before we start, it’s good to recognize that setting boundaries is more challenging with family and friends. That’s only natural because your involvement is deeper, and your ingrained behavior patterns are more likely to show up in your interactions with those you’re closer to. Keep that in mind as we go through the strategies.

Strategy #1 – Setting expectations

This strategy sets the stage for all the others. Take some time and review people or situations you think need some boundary-setting. Write out how you would like things to be different from how they are now. List your expectations of those involved, including yourself. Doing this will help you identify where you feel taken advantage of or are giving too much of yourself. Be specific and realistic.

Strategy #2 – Set time-related boundaries.

Now that you’ve defined some expectations, review your time. If you have more to do than you have time, the only solution is to shrink down what you have to do or farm some of it out to other people. Strategies that help with time are as follows.

Delegate. You don’t have to do it all. Delegating requires letting go of the need to control everything and checking your guilt when asking for help.

If you have a partner, review the workload and reshuffle tasks to even things out, so you both participate. Work as a team, and check in with each other weekly to adjust as needed.

If you have kids, give them more responsibilities and chores. They should see themselves as part of the family team and learn to contribute based on their ages and capabilities.

If your job takes up 60 hours instead of 40, talk to your boss and see if you can whittle down the hours.

Schedule all your activities on a calendar, including time for family, friends, and yourself. It helps to see it visually. Then track it until you have a good handle on where your time goes.

Extracurriculars. Resign from your role as entertainment director. If you have kids, allow them time to self-entertain, deal with boredom, and use their imaginations (without Youtube, TikTok, or social media). Let them choose only one extra-curricular activity at a time, so you limit the time spent toting them to and from activities.

Other commitments. Don’t agree to any new commitment for at least 24 hours after being asked. Give yourself time to evaluate how it will affect your overall schedule. Pick and choose what you want to do, and say no to the rest. Say this mantra to yourself: “I’m not the only person who can take this on. Someone else could do it.”

Strategy #3 – Set digital boundaries.

Review these three activities that can eat up a lot of your time.

1. Texting. Don’t feel you need to answer texts right away, especially chat texts. Let people know when you’re unavailable for texts except for emergencies. People will learn and acclimate to your boundaries.
2. Social media. The best practice is to hold yourself to no more than 30 minutes daily on social media. Try it. If you do that, you’ll have lots more time. You’ll also not get lured into comparing yourself with others, trying to make people happy, and getting stirred up by negative posts.
3. Emails. If you have a job, make it a rule not to respond to after-hours emails. If you have a job that requires you to respond to emails in the evening, discuss it with your boss and see if you can’t set that boundary. We live in a 24-hour access world, so you have to get diligent about not allowing that access during the hours you need for you and your family.

Strategy #4 – Set self-related boundaries.

These are the boundaries you need to set with yourself. By doing so, it will be easier to stick with the others.

Accept responsibility for being taken advantage of. You undoubtedly have good intentions by going the extra mile to help everyone. However, you are the only one that can stop the onslaught. Allow people to be responsible for themselves.

When you’re not sure if you should offer your help, ask yourself if the person in question:

1. Has your best interest at heart.
2. Is shirking their responsibilities by relying on you
3. Is expecting too much.

You’re not helping if you’re enabling someone to take advantage and avoid their responsibilities.

Carve out some time for yourself. Do this even if it’s just 30 minutes per day. Figure out where you can squeeze that time in and how best to use it to nurture yourself. Then schedule it and stick with it.

Ask for help when needed without overstepping someone else’s boundaries. Don’t be a one-person show. If you’re a parent, check into carpooling or exchanging babysitting. If you can afford it, hire a cleaning service for your home. Even once a month is a huge help. Take some time and assess where you might get some help and what you can offer in exchange.

Say no! Saying no is more than setting a boundary; it requires revamping your identity. It means seeing yourself as deserving of respect, consideration, and appreciation for what you contribute. It’s being a team player and allowing others to do their part. Most importantly, it means letting go of unfounded guilt because you can’t be all things to all people. You can use all your wonderful talents without being exploited or taken advantage of. You do that by choosing when, how, and under what circumstances. Draw the line when offering help is done at your expense. It should be win-win, not win-sacrifice.

Maintaining Boundaries

Just because you set a boundary doesn’t mean others will uphold it. Here’s how to get around that.

Spell them out clearly. Don’t expect anyone to read your mind or wait for them to recognize when they’re overstepping. Let people know what you expect and where the line is. People capable of healthy relationships will appreciate this and honor your boundaries.

Restate it when tested. Some people will push the boundary to see if you mean it. This might happen because someone’s used to you being available whenever they need you, but it can also occur because they want things to remain as they were. A friend who’s used to taking advantage of you won’t like the change and will likely test it to see if you’ll stick with it. Setting boundaries can result in losing friends who weren’t good friends to begin with. Know this upfront and accept it. It’s in your best interest.

Be firm but not rigid. When you set a boundary, it’s good to stick with it until it’s easy to keep and others know it without thinking about it. However, sometimes you stretch a boundary just that once because it feels like the right thing to do. Be firm yet flexible when the situation calls for it. Just make sure that your flexibility isn’t a relapse but a well-thought-out decision.

The Fallout

If you’re not used to setting boundaries or have avoided it, it might feel uncomfortable for a while. Likely it will. Start slow. Choose easy ones first and establish them before moving toward bigger ones.

Remember that setting boundaries is a shift in your identity, which requires a shift in how people see you. That’s why it’s good to go slow and allow everyone to keep up.

Let me know how it goes. Leave a comment or email me. I’m always open to questions.

That’s all for today.

Have a great weekend!

All my best,

Barbara

P.S. – Suggested reading: Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab

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If you’re the chronically overwhelmed caretaker, leader, parent, helper, teacher, or friend, you likely need some work on setting boundaries.

Setting boundaries is hard for most people, especially those who are empathetic and have a natural desire to help. It takes practice and staying power. Even if you’ve gotten better at setting boundaries, it’s easy to slip back into old habits and let up on them. Mostly this happens because people will inevitably test you to see how firm you are about keeping your boundaries.

If you’re a parent, you have lots of experience with this. Only instead of calling them boundaries, you call them rules. You set rules, your kids test them, wear you down, and before you know it, they’ve managed to slip through and get you to give in to something.

It’s the same with adult boundary-setting. Most people don’t realize that.

You think that once you’ve told someone where you draw the line, they’ll fall in and honor that. Sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesn’t.

I’m covering this subject in two parts because it’s too large a topic to adequately address in one round. Today we’ll go over signs that you need some work on boundary-setting and then cover some myths that get in the way of changing your behavior. Next week in Part 2, I’ll go over strategies you can use to help set boundaries and maintain them so you don’t fall backward.

Signs That You Need to Set More Boundaries

Let’s do this in two separate lists. The first one relates to how you’re feeling right now. The second is a list of underlying beliefs and behaviors that create resistance to setting boundaries.

How You’re Feeling Now

If any of these resonate, you might need to consider your current boundaries or lack of (Tawwab, 2021).

• You’re overwhelmed and stressed out.
• Feel resentful when people ask you to do something or help them
• Avoid phone calls and interactions with people who might ask for something
• Ruminate about helping people and getting nothing in return
• Feel unappreciated, taken advantage of, and disrespected
• Have lost interest in things you enjoy or that provide meaning for you
• Fantasize about living alone
• Feel burned out and tired all the time
• Have no time for yourself
• Feel anxious or depressed or both

All of these may not apply, but if a good many of them do, keep going.

Underlying Beliefs and Behaviors

These are things you do and believe that keep you from setting boundaries. You won’t successfully make changes unless you identify these first and rethink them.

• You’re the caretaker and the go-to person that does everything for everyone.
• You feel responsible for other people’s feelings and need to make everyone happy and comfortable.
• You’re hypersensitive to disapproval and worry greatly about what other people think of you.
• You have a difficult time saying no and feel guilty when you do.
• You give away your time indiscriminately.
• You have difficulty making decisions.
• You feel incredibly guilty if you let someone down.
• You attract people who take advantage of you or try to dominate and control you.
• You overshare.
• You don’t speak up when someone mistreats you.
• It’s hard for you to voice what you want or need.
• You handle resentment and anger passive-aggressively.

Again, these may not all apply, but likely you’ll find a fair number of them do if you struggle with boundaries.

Now let’s go over some of the myths that hold you hostage and keep you where you are.

The Myths

Myth #1: No one else can take care of things as well as I can.

This belief sits at the bottom of the myth pile and keeps you right where everyone wants you. By falling into this trap, you don’t allow others to take responsibility for themselves. You encourage them to rely on you, and they do. You send the message that you’re willing to take care of everything, and you can do it better.

The more you send out those messages, the more people take advantage of you. But the harsh reality is that you allow and encourage it.

This is the most problematic habit to overcome and likely has its roots in your history. Many people who caretake are the oldest child or held this role in their families of origin. They were primed to be caretakers and have integrated this role into their identities. That’s why it’s difficult to dislodge. Let’s go to the next one.

Myth #2: I can’t be happy until everyone else is happy.

The drive to make sure everyone else is happy and comfortable isn’t really about them – it’s about you. It’s about keeping your anxiety and guilt in check.

This is another issue that likely originates in your upbringing. If you had a parent who was depressed or anxious and looked to you for soothing, you had to take on that responsibility. Or you might have had an angry and volatile parent, and keeping them happy was a matter of survival. Either way, it was up to you to take care of your parent’s emotional needs, which no child can do.

A situation like that can lead to chronic feelings of anxiety and inadequacy, and as an adult, you end up replaying the same situations with your peers in an attempt to conquer those feelings.

This is a messy myth to straighten out because it’s true that you should be concerned, empathetic, and care about your partner, adult kids, family members, and friends, but not true that you’re responsible for their emotional well-being and growth. Each person has this responsibility themselves.

Myth #3: I can do it all.

There are two myths here.

1. You can stretch time to fit what you need to do.
2. You can do it all.

No, you cannot! Time is limited. That means you need to be realistic about what’s possible. We’ll talk about how you can do that next week, but for now, recognize that you have so many hours in a day and must use some for sleep and self-care. After that, you must be selective and get help to accomplish what needs doing.

Myth #4: It’s selfish to put myself first.

Most people who have difficulty setting boundaries don’t believe their needs should ever come first.

Even if you understand intellectually that this isn’t true, it chafes even to consider its validity. The very idea of it can leave you feeling anxious. If you do indulge in taking time for yourself, you worry that people will be mad at you for not being available for them.

This is a challenging obstacle to overcome and is best approached sideways. It requires practice. When you begin to make room for yourself, you may be very uncomfortable. However, the more you do it and fold it into your schedule, you accept it. By practicing, your beliefs about it change. You slip through the side door until you can make time without feeling guilty. For some, this isn’t an issue. The issue is just having the time.

Next Week

During this next week, take some time to see where you fit using the lists and myths we’ve covered today. Consider your history to discover where some of these ideas and habits developed. It helps to trace them back so you can release yourself from them. That will prime you for next week’s blog when we cover practices and strategies you can use to set better boundaries.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

P. S. Suggested reading: Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab.

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Have you had the experience of being in a good mood and then coming home to find everyone else in a bad mood and grumpy, depressed, or irritable? After being in that atmosphere for a short time, your mood dropped, and you felt irritable too.

This is called “emotional contagion,”  and it’s a real thing that occurs on a neurological level. We literally can “catch” each other’s emotions.

Today I’m going to explain how emotions are transferred from one person to another and then give you some ideas about how you can manage this process.

A Definition

Let’s start with a basic definition. I like Wikipedia’s straightforward explanation:

Emotional contagion is the “spontaneous spread of emotions and related behaviors.”

It happens between individuals, within groups, over social media, and from interactions with music, art, entertainment, or reading.

It’s also important to note that it can be negative or positive. For example, a small angry group of people can morph into a mob that becomes violent, just as an inspirational speaker leveraging positive messages can lift the emotions of a large audience.

How Emotional Contagion Works

There are three stages to the process of emotional contagion (Hatfield, Cacioppo & Rapson, 1993). These are mimicry, feedback, and contagion. Let’s go through them.

Stage 1: Mimicry

When conversing with someone, you automatically mimic their facial and vocal expressions, postures, movements, and behaviors. Facial expressions, in particular, have an impact.

Sometimes when a person smiles at you, you smile back. That’s a very conscious act, but the mimicry we’re talking about is unconscious and occurs so fast that someone watching you wouldn’t notice the shifts in your facial muscles. They’re that subtle.

The same happens with voice expressions. You change your voice pitch, tempo, harmonics, and sounds depending on the emotions you’re “catching” (Scherer, 1982)

You also mimic postures and movements. In one study done with college students, they were able to synchronize their movements with each other in 21 milliseconds (Condon & Ogston, 1996). They didn’t do this consciously, and even if you tried to do it consciously, you couldn’t match that speed. Mimicry happens automatically, and it’s fast.

Stage 2: Feedback

The second stage is called feedback. As you mimic facial expressions, voice, postures, and movements, your brain generates the emotions attached to them. This information is fed back to you, allowing you to feel the other person’s emotions to some degree.

If your facial muscles flex in a way to mimic a sad face, it feeds that information back to you, and you feel sadness. You may not feel ownership of the feeling, yet feel its presence.

That sounds confusing, but here’s what I mean by that:

If I’m sitting in a room with someone who’s feeling sad, that feeling might pop up in my mind even though it’s not my feeling.

I may sense it from the postures, facial expressions, or movements of that person, even if they’re not verbalizing how they feel. The longer I’m exposed, the more palpable the feeling gets. What I’m not aware of is that I’m likely mimicking those facial expressions and movements as part of my perceptual experience.

You can see the power of this process from the initial mimicry to feedback. Now let’s review the last stage.

Stage 3: Contagion

The actual “contagion” part of the process is facilitated by specific brain neurons called “mirror neurons.”

Mirror neurons were discovered during a study conducted by Italian researchers Ferrari & Rizzolatti (2014): When one monkey grabbed an object, and another monkey watched but didn’t perform the same action, the neurons associated with that activity fired the same in both monkeys’ brains.

So if you watch someone lift weights, but you don’t do it, the same neurons related to the weight lifting activity will fire in your brain as they do in the brain of the person lifting the weights.

Similarly, when you mimic someone’s facial expressions, mirror neurons facilitate the firing of neurons related to the emotion(s) attached to those facial expressions in your brain, and you feel them. This process is the neurological basis of empathy, although there’s a difference between empathy and emotional contagion, which I’ll explain next.

How to Deal with Emotional Contagion

1. Feel the emotions without succumbing to them.

Empathy is different than emotional contagion. You can feel someone’s emotions without getting submerged in them. With contagion, you become absorbed and heavily influenced by the other person’s emotions.

With empathy, you understand how someone feels and can affirm and validate their feelings yet not take them on. You can listen, show interest, soothe, and be present, but use your thinking brain to help you maintain enough distance to avoid being absorbed by the emotions you’re picking up on.

2. Know when to step away.

There are situations when you should step away from someone whose emotions are out of control or on a negative path. Examples might be when you’re in a crowd where anger is building, on social media where most of the posts are negative, or hanging out with a group that mostly complains and enjoys gossiping about other people’s problems.

We all know or have read about riots that started with a protest of some sort and escalated into violence, looting, destruction, and sometimes death.

We’ve seen people stampeded at concerts and sports events when spectators’ emotions escalated, resulting in mobs running onto fields or toward the stage.

It’s important to take the rise of emotional contagion in group settings seriously to protect and keep yourself safe.

3. Avoid regular contact with toxic people.

Regular contact with people who are chronically negative, cynical, argumentative, angry, manipulative, or miserable can have a significant influence on how you feel. Even if you’re good at separating yourself from their emotions, you’re still influenced and impacted negatively. So choose your company carefully.

4. Regulate your intake of news, social media, entertainment, books, and music.

Curb the amount of time you spend interacting with media and entertainment focusing on negative emotions. Staying current with news is different from watching the same depressing story over and over. Keep in mind that our natural tendency toward a negativity bias is in full blossom on social media, through news outlets, and via some types of entertainment. Be mindful of how you’re affected and choose accordingly. By the way, the right company, music, art, movie, or book can lift your emotions, and these are instances where you can take advantage of emotional contagion.

5. Pay attention to the emotions you generate.

Emotional contagion is a two-way street, so it’s essential to watch your output of emotions around your family and friends, at work, in group settings, and even in public. That doesn’t mean you should suppress your feelings, but be aware of how you express them and under what circumstances. Working on your emotional intelligence is an aid to help you get a handle on your emotions.

Does everyone have the same level of susceptibility?

The answer is no, although this subject is still under investigation and has a way to go. If you’re highly empathetic by nature, you more likely will be a “catcher” of other people’s emotions. If you’re outgoing and charismatic, you may transmit emotions more than someone who’s rather stoic and quiet (Verbeke, 1997).

Personality characteristics influence your susceptibility, and it’s good to be aware of where you fall along the continuum so you can moderate your interactions with others.

If you’re interested in reading more, check out the footnotes below. There are some excellent articles and studies that delve into these questions.

That’s all for today!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

_{Bastiaansen, J. A., Thioux, M., & Keysers, C. (2009). Evidence for mirror systems in emotions. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society, Series B, Biological Sciences, 364(1528), 2391–2404. DOI:10.1098/rstb.2009.0058}

_{Conon, W. S., & Ogston, W. D. (1966). Sound film analysis of normal and pathological behavior patterns. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 143(4), 338-347. https://doi.org/10.1097/00005053-196610000-00005}

_{Ekman, P., Levenson, R. W., & Friesen, W. V. (1983). Autonomic nervous system activity distinguishes among emotions. Science, 221(4616), 1208-1210. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.6612338}

_{Ferrara, E. & Yang, Z. (2015). Measuring emotional contagion in social media. PLoS ONE 10(11). https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0142390}

_{Ferrari, P. F., & Rizzolatti, G. (2014). Mirror neuron research: The past and the future. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society, Series B, Biological Sciences, 369:20130169. DOI:10.1098/rstb.2013.0169}

_{Gaines, J. (2021, Feb 12). What is emotional contagion theory? (Definition and Examples). Positive Psychology. https://positivepsychology.com/emotional-contagion/}

_{Hatfield, E., Cacioppo, J. L. & Rapson, R. L. (1993). Emotional contagion. Current Directions in Psychological Sciences, 2,(3), 96-99. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8721.ep10770953}

_{Hatfield, E., Rapson, R. L., & Le, Y. L. (in press). Primitive emotional contagion: Recent research. In J. Decety and W. Ickes (Eds.) The social neuroscience of empathy. Boston, MA: MIT Press.}

_{Herrando, C. and Constantinides, E. (2021, July 16). Emotional contagion: A brief overview and future directions. Frontiers in Psychology, Sec. Emotion Science. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.712606}

_{Kramer, A. D. I., Guillory, J. E., & Hancock, J. T. (2014). Experimental evidence of massive-scale emotional contagion through social networks. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 111(24), 8788-8790. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1320040111}

_{Laird, J. D. & Bresler, C. (1992). The process of emotional feeling: A self-perception theory. In M. S. Clark (Ed.), Emotion: Review of Personality and Social Psychology, 13, 213-234. (Sage Publications, 1992).}

_{Lundqvist, L. O., & Dimberg, U. (1995). Facial expressions are contagious. Journal of Psychophysiology, 9(3), 203-211. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/250928273_Facial_expressions_are_contagious}

_{Nickerson, C. (2021, Nov 08). Emotional Contagion. Simply Psychology. www.simplypsychology.org/what-is-emotional-contagion.html}

_{Scherer, K. (1982). Methods of research on vocal communication: paradigms and parameters. In K.R. Scherer & P. Ekman (Eds.), Handbook of Methods in Nonverbal Behavior Research (pp. 136-198). (Cambridge University Press, New York, 1982).}

_{Verbeke, W. (1997). Individual differences in emotional contagion of salespersons: Its effect on performance and burnout. Psychology & Marketing, 14(6), 17-636. https://doi.org/10.1002/(SICI)1520-6793(199709)14:6<617::AID-MAR6>3.0.CO;2-A}

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I don’t know about you, but that title resonates with me! I don’t like anyone telling me what to do, and many of us don’t. However, some of us especially don’t like it and overreact when it happens.

If this doesn’t apply to you, it may apply to someone you know. It’s not an uncommon characteristic. It can, however, cause problems in relationships, on the job, and in situations where you need to work as a team.

Today we’re going to tackle this issue and get some clarity on where it comes from and how you can work with it. Let’s dive in.

Where does it come from?

Here are four possible causes or circumstances that might make you reactive to being told what to do.

1. It’s your natural temperament.

You have an independent nature and like to do things on your own. You don’t enjoy group projects, collaborations, and especially unsolicited help or advice. You want to figure things out yourself and have faith in your ability to do that. If you’re shopping and can’t find something, you’d prefer to look for it yourself instead of asking someone where it is.

2. You had an authoritarian parent.

You grew up with a parent or parents who didn’t allow you to speak your mind, contribute your ideas, or have input. Your parent’s word was law, and there were immediate repercussions for not complying. If you were told to do something, it was to be done immediately without considering what you might be engaged in at the moment.

3. You had a hovering parent.

You had a parent or parents who didn’t allow you to develop your autonomy. They were intimately engaged and involved in everything you did, including how you thought and felt. You had little privacy. You consistently got the message that you couldn’t figure things out on your own – that left to your own devices, you’d make a mistake or fail. The other unspoken message was that failure was unacceptable.

4. You were the oldest child.

You had adult responsibilities early on and throughout your childhood and teens. You did a lot of caretaking. Your time was not your own, and you were on deck most of the time to do whatever was needed. Conversely, you had no authority, which left you feeling trapped and resentful. You fantasized about leaving home and living on your own. You were out of the house as soon as you finished high school.

Okay, so what do I do?

You might be saying, “I don’t want to change. I like being in charge of myself and don’t want anyone interfering.”

I get it. I’m there. But, the problem with that is:

• Life is collaborative. We have to work with each other. And, sometimes, you do have to submit to someone else’s authority.
• You can’t always do everything on your own. Sometimes input from someone else is helpful and necessary. You might need additional knowledge or expertise to perform better.
• Refusing help from people who love you can be off-putting or hurtful. It creates a barrier.
• People may view you as stubborn, inflexible, unwilling to work as part of a team, and in some cases, arrogant. That can create distance and discord and ultimately isolate you, which you might find painful.

Some Solutions

Here are some ideas that will be good for your relationships while also maintaining your autonomy.

Using the four scenarios listed above, figure out where you fit.

You may find that you fit in several of the categories. For example, you may be the oldest child and have authoritarian parents.

Understanding why you react strongly to being told what to do is the first step, and it’s essential. If you know where it comes from, you can begin to identify the triggers that lead to unwanted reactions.

Work on quieting those triggers.

When you find yourself having that knee-jerk reaction to someone’s request or demand, take a moment to review how you’re feeling and think about what’s triggering you. How is this dynamic similar to your family dynamics?

Each time you make that connection, you lessen the trigger’s effect. You also put emotional space between yourself and the reaction so you can make a deliberate choice about how to proceed.

Make a distinction between current people in your life and your history.

View the contexts separately. If you had an authoritarian parent and now have a tyrannical boss, the situations are not the same, even though the dynamics may be similar. You may agree to deal with your boss’s demands because it’s part of your job, but it’s not a reflection of who you are as it may have felt as a child. You’re no longer the kid with no autonomy. You can change jobs if you decide the dynamics are intolerable.

You have choices now that you didn’t have growing up. That’s a significant distinction you need to keep in mind. When you’re clear on that, you won’t be so reactive.

If you had a hovering parent, you might avoid intimacy and lack confidence in yourself.

Hovering parents are invasive and leave you little breathing room to explore and create your identity outside of what they assign to you. You avoid close interaction and teamwork because, for you, both feel invasive. In this case, you’re more likely dealing with avoidance rather than a problem with authority.

This problem might require some therapy to help you work through it. The goal is to establish your autonomy and then learn to be vulnerable and still feel that you have choices in how you direct your life.

Here’s a simple list of things you can do daily.

• When you’re stumbling over a problem, ask someone with the knowledge you need to assist you. Don’t try to do everything on your own. Practice asking for help when you need it.
• Don’t react with annoyance when someone asks you to do something you already knew you had to do. Just cheerfully say, “I got it” or “It’s on my list.” Not “I ALREADY KNEW THAT!”
• If someone has the habit of telling you what to do or being bossy, pull them aside and tell them how you’d like them to approach you. Don’t do this when you’re angry. Do it calmly. You can say, “I’d like it if you’d ask me if I can or would be willing to do something when you need it. I will almost always be able to help you, but I think we should consider each other and ask, not demand.” If the person in question has authority over you, like a boss, either decide to deal with it or get a different job, but don’t let it put a dent in your self-esteem.
• Engage in team efforts wherever you can until you get used to working collaboratively. Teamwork teaches patience, flexibility, and humility while allowing you to offer your best ideas and talents to a project.

Remember . . .

You always have a choice about how to respond when someone tells you what to do. The key is to get some emotional space between hearing and responding so you can respond with deliberation and thought rather than reacting automatically.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by YinYang, Courtesy of iStock Photo

One of my family members asked me recently if adults ever leave high school. I laughed because I knew what she was saying. She was lamenting that people still develop cliques at work, gossip about each other, and create unspoken rules you’re supposed to live up to if you want to fit in.

We’re social beings, and the need to fit in or belong is a biological imperative. In tribal days, if you didn’t acclimate to the rules of the tribe, you might not survive. Needs for food, protection, and shelter depended on your membership, participation, and acceptance of the ways of your tribe.

In some regard, we’re not all that different today. The difference is we have a lot more independence and choice in how we participate in the tribe, and we can fend for ourselves to a large degree as long as civilization remains steady in the background.

On a social level, however, we’re still quite tribal. And we have all sorts of tribes; family, friends, work groups, religious groups, political affiliations, and other interest groups. Because of that, we’re susceptible to a desire to fit in and have a need to belong.

One of the debates in psychology is about something called “personality consistency,” which is about how you show up in your various tribes. The question is,

Are you the same person across your group memberships? And if not, how do you change and to what extent when you participate in your different group settings?

The answer, according to research, is mixed. You change in some ways and don’t in others. Let’s go through which is which and under what circumstances you can alter yourself without sacrificing who you are.

Personality versus Authentic Self

Let’s start with defining these two aspects of ourselves.

Personality

Psychology defines personality as “a characteristic way of thinking, feeling, and behaving.” It’s concerned more with traits. But really, it’s more than that. It includes your psychological traits and temperament styles.

For example, if you’ve ever taken the Myers-Briggs Personality Test or the Enneagram, you got a description of your personality traits and tendencies.

The Myers-Briggs focuses on traits like introversion versus extroversion, thinking versus feeling, big picture versus detail orientation, and judging versus perceiving.

The Enneagram places you into personality typologies like helper, achiever, loyalist, challenger, perfectionist, peacemaker, etc.

These personality descriptions paint a picture of how you present yourself and the roles you favor that show up in your thinking, feeling, and behavior patterns. They’re part of how someone who knows you might describe you.

Authentic Self

Authenticity (or your authentic self) reflects your values and the principles you live by.

Authenticity extends beyond personality traits. It provides meaning in your life and spells out the guidelines for what you will and won’t do and the yardstick for evaluating your behavior.

So how does all this affect how you present yourself in different settings? In other words, how strictly do you present the same person in each situation?

Tribal Roles

Sometimes people worry that they present themselves differently in different settings. However, it’s natural to do that. Think of it this way:

There’s you at home, at work, with your best friends, in new situations, at the gym, and so on.

You have different roles in your life, and how you present yourself in each one alters according to the expectations of the part you’re playing. It makes sense.

You may present your professional self at work and focus more on your competencies and problem-solving skills in fulfilling your job requirements. Your basic personality is intact, but you may not reveal personal parts of yourself that aren’t relevant to your job role.

You reveal the more vulnerable parts of yourself at home to your partner and family.

At a conference where you’re meeting new people, you again will present parts of yourself, but likely a more narrowed presentation because you’re with people you’re meeting for the first time.

The general rule is that you reveal more when the level of trust is higher and the nature of the relationship is deeper. That’s natural and wise.

To summarize, the three elements that will, in most cases, determine how you present yourself in various situations are:

1. Depth and nature of your relationships in the particular setting
2. Requirements of the role you’re fulfilling
3. Your personality traits (e.g., an introvert will be quieter in a new environment than an extrovert).

This means that it’s normal and necessary to present different aspects of your personality in various settings.

However, a consistent sense of self should run through all those presentations. Here’s where authenticity comes in.

Your Authentic Self

Authenticity comes from the inside, and when it’s clear, it’s expressed easily and automatically when interacting with others.

Here are the two main characteristics of the authentic self.

1. You have a consistent set of values that filter through your thinking, emotions, and behavioral choices.

For example, if one of your values is to be kind, you’ll refrain from gossiping at the office because you’ll see it as unkind and rubbing up against your principles.

Although you might wish to fit in with your colleagues, your values will sometimes put you at odds with behavior you disapprove of, and you’ll stand outside the group in those instances.

2. Your values appear in every setting, regardless of your role.

People will come to know you and see you as having reliable principles and behavior they can count on, regardless of the setting. Your values will guide you at work, at home, with your friends, and in public. If three people were to describe you, they would essentially agree on who you are and what you stand for.

Authenticity promotes trust and positive connections.

Research studies have shown that authenticity, not personality, is the factor that creates trust between co-workers and positively impacts job performance. Conversely, inauthentic people aren’t seen as trustworthy, and work performance suffers accordingly. This is especially true when the leader is inauthentic.

So you could have a very gregarious, likable boss. But if he shifted his values depending on who he was dealing with or said one thing to his employees and another to his higher-ups, you wouldn’t trust him, no matter how appealing his personality was.

Authenticity trumps personality, especially the longer you know someone or have dealings with them.

Changes Over Time

The other issue with personality consistency is that it’s a bit of a myth. You change over time as you go through developmental phases and growth. Maturity results in letting go of some personality characteristics and adding in others. Your personality traits will still be basically the same, but the presentation may change.

For example, introverts may become more comfortable in new settings as they age and become more extroverted. Thinkers may acquire a greater appreciation for emotional expression, and an individualist may come to appreciate interdependence.

More importantly, authenticity sharpens over time and deepens as your values benefit from experience and wisdom.

What’s important is to be faithful to who you are right now and consistently maintain your values. Conformity is valuable in dealing with the expectations of your tribe, but not at the expense of your deeply held values. Sometimes fitting in is the wrong choice. Stay true to your authentic self.

That’s all for today.

Have a great weekend!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

_{Kim, T., David, E. M., Chen, T. & Liang, Y. (2022, January). Authenticity of self-enhancement? Effects of self-presentation and authentic leadership on trust and performance. Journal of Management, 1-30. https://doi.org/10.1177/01492063211063807}

_{McLeod, S. (updated 2016). What is conformity? Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/conformity.html}

_{Middleton, C., Fireman, G., & DiBello, R. (1993). Consistency and Chaos in Personality. In: Stam, H.J., Mos, L.P., Thorngate, W., & Kaplan, B. (eds). Recent Trends in Theoretical Psychology, 275-281. Recent Research in Psychology. Springer, New York, NY. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-1-4612-2746-5_25}

_{Sutton, A. (2018, May). Distinguishing between authenticity and personality consistency in predicting well-being: A mixed method approach. European Review of Applied Psychology 68(3), 117-130. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.erap.2018.06.001}

_{Wood, A. M., Linley, P. A., Maltby, J., Baliousis, M. & Joseph, S. (2008, July). The authentic personality: A theoretical and empirical conceptualization and the development of the authenticity scale. Journal of Counseling Psychology 55(3), 385-399. https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0022-0167.55.3.385}

Photo by fizkes, Courtesy of iStock Photos

How many times have you been involved in a conversation and quietly said to yourself, “Get out now!”

We live in an age where adversarial communication and black and white thinking reign. Worse, we have social media to encourage and keep that trend on display for our continuous consumption.

You have to decide daily what conversations to engage in and how to do it. This is particularly true when it comes to those involving your relationships and the people in your life with whom you have regular contact, whether at home or work.

What it gets down to when considering whether to opt out of a conversation is the level of receptivity both you and the other person involved have to talk about the subject at hand. And this is where you can have a lot of impact, both negatively and positively.

Today, I’m talking about how you can increase your receptivity in a contentious conversation and simultaneously increase the other person’s receptivity. It’s an essential skill not only because it improves relationships in general but goes a long way in resolving conflicts.

Let’s dive in.

What is “conversational receptiveness”?

“Conversational receptiveness” is a term coined by researchers who studied receptivity during discussions where the two parties had opposing views. The researchers used probably the most contentious subject for study – politics! Brave souls, aren’t they?

The results were that using several specific strategies at the outset of the conversation increased receptivity on both sides.

These findings are interesting to me because the techniques that worked best have been used for decades in psychotherapy. It’s good to have them validated.

The researchers identified four strategies that, when used properly, increase receptivity.

If the listener used these strategies, the speaker – even if dogmatically attached to their point of view – loosened up some and became more receptive to an opposing point of view.

This means that, at the very least, two people can disagree and still maintain good feelings and positive regard for each other.

That’s pretty huge, don’t you think?

It certainly is when you think of arguments with the people you love and care about and the emotional toll serious disputes can take on your relationships.

Let’s go through the four strategies.

1. Acknowledge understanding.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “Listen to understand, not to respond.” The idea here is to put everything else aside and focus on understanding what the speaker is saying and feeling. I would go one further and say you want to know what is meant and intended. What does the speaker want you to know, and why is it important to him?

You do this by making statements like “I see what you mean when you say . . .” or “I think what you’re saying is . . .” or “I get it – you’re saying . . .”. These kinds of statements are highly receptive, yet don’t hold you to agreeing to anything you’re hearing.

That’s a key concept to remember when conversing.

Listening and understanding do not imply agreement. They indicate interest and validate that someone has the right to their ideas, beliefs, and values.

Now there are circumstances where you won’t want to do this, which we’ll get to later. For now, keep in mind that receptivity through understanding will create a connection meaning you and the speaker are on the same side rather than adversaries, even if you hold different views about something. That’s a big deal!

2. Find areas of agreement.

To boost the connection, find any areas of agreement you can verbalize. If you’re having an intense conversation with your partner and he says, “I’m tired of fighting over this issue,” you could say, “I totally agree with you. We need to find a solution we can both feel good about.”

Or here’s something broader. Maybe you’re talking to a friend about Covid vaccinations, and one of you is opposed, and one of you can’t believe anyone wouldn’t get a vaccination.

What you can agree on is that we all want this pandemic to end and go back to our regular lives. You could say,

“I think we both can agree that we’re tired of this pandemic and want it gone. We just have different views about how that might happen.”

Statements that find common ground reduce the friction in a conversation and create more acceptance of differences. And sometimes, they make room for more receptivity to considering the other person’s point of view.

3. Make positive statements.

Pick and choose your words when responding. Use words like “Yes!” or “Right!” Do this especially when you hear something you can agree on, or when showing that you understand what the other person is saying. Stay away from words like “shouldn’t” or “wrong” or characterizations of the speaker or their ideas as something negative.

When you hear something that seems outlandish, it’s easy to give a knee-jerk response like, “That’s totally nuts!” Obviously, those kinds of statements or word usage will get you in trouble and close down any hope of receptivity on the other person’s part. So watch your word choice.

4. Hedge to soften your claims.

Instead of saying, “I absolutely disagree with you!” you could say, “Another approach might be . . .” or “A different way of looking at this is . . .”

You might not like this one because it doesn’t sound confident and also feels wishy-washy. However, this approach has been tested in studies and positively impacts even the most contentious conversations. It shows humility, which creates an air of openness and space in the conversation. So maybe it’s worth trying, yes?

When you dogmatically state your views, you’re drawing a line in the sand, and the only response to that is to defend and become riled.

When should you cut your losses and opt out?

Several situations might fit into this category.

Conversations you don’t need to pursue.

These conversations are optional, like political disputes on social media. They’re often nothing more than an opportunity for people to spew their stored-up anger and to say the most negative, heinous things they can think of to vent it. There’s no point in engaging in these conversations. They don’t fit the definition of actual interchange and may as well be monologues.

That isn’t to say that you can’t have a receptive interchange on social media, but pick and choose.

The subject matter offends your sense of morality.

Suppose someone wants to convince you that child pornography should be legal or that we should reinstitute the guillotine or public hangings. In that case, you may feel so morally offended that you have no interest in pursuing a conversation.

Receptivity is a valuable strategy to close the gap between different points of view. However, we have a limit as to what crosses the line. You know your limits and have every right to them.

The Conclusion

The conclusion today is that learning to be more receptive, especially when there are strong disagreements, can do four things:

1. Bridge gaps in understanding
2. Aid in finding solutions to challenging problems
3. Maintain civility and respect
4. Protect our dearest relationships

And remember, you don’t have to agree or change your view if the evidence presented by someone seems faulty. Still, you can show interest and respect for someone who thinks differently and foster better relationships simultaneously.

The bottom line is that receptivity on one side increases receptivity on the other. So be a receptive listener to have better conversations and help resolve conflicts.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

_{Beasley, B. Get better at disagreement with this four-step “receptiveness recipe.” Notre Dame Deloitte Center for Ethical Leadership. https://ethicalleadership.nd.edu/news/use-this-receptiveness-recipe-to-improve-your-next-disagreement/}

_{Iftikhar. S. W. (2020, December 6). Conversational receptiveness. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/conversational-receptiveness-syed-wajahat-iftikhar/?trk=public_profile_article_view}

_{Minson, J. A, Chen, F. S., & Tinsley, C. H. (2018) Why Won’t You Listen to Me: Measuring Receptiveness to Opposing Views. Harvard Kennedy School Faculty Research Working Paper Series RWP 18-028. Available at https://www.hks.harvard.edu/research-insights/publications?f%5B0%5D=publication_types%3A121}

_{PON Staff (2021, February 28). Ask a negotiation expert: How conversational receptiveness might bridge our divide. Program on Negational at Harvard Law School. https://www.pon.harvard.edu/daily/negotiation-skills-daily/ask-a-negotiation-expert-how-conversational-receptiveness-might-bridge-our-divide-nb/}

_{Yeomans, M., Minson, J., Collins, H., Chen, F., & Gino, F. (September 2020). Conversational receptiveness: Improving engagement with opposing views. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 160, 131-148. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.obhdp.2020.03.011}

Photo by Roman Didkivskyi, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Did you flinch when you read the title of this blog? If so, you wouldn’t be alone. We live in a culture that values independence, so the idea of being dependent doesn’t sit well.

That said, there are many reasons you could struggle with dependency even if you’re well into adulthood. Some of the most common ones are:

• An insecure attachment style
• History of emotional trauma or child abuse
• Growing up in a chaotic and unreliable environment
• Having parents who were consistently depressed or emotionally unavailable
• Losing a parent (or parents) early in life
• Being in foster care
• Having a primary parent who was critical and cold or a helicopter parent who didn’t allow you to develop your independence
• Taking on adult responsibilities as a child

Here’s the problem in a nutshell:

From birth through childhood, you depend on parents and caretakers for most of your needs, especially to feel loved, valued, and worthy. You’re in the process of building your sense of self and foundation for becoming independent. When those needs aren’t met, you’re left floundering as you move through adolescence and into adulthood.

It’s confusing. You’re supposed to take charge of your life, yet you feel inept and overwhelmed by the enormity of these expectations.

You’re told directly or indirectly,

“You’re an adult now. It doesn’t matter what happened before. Suck it up. You’re responsible for yourself.”

And, unfortunately, it falls on you to make repairs.

How Dependency Shows Up in Adulthood

If you’re unsure where you are, here are some measures you can look at to decide if you’re struggling with unmet dependency needs.

You can’t carry out the regular daily requirements to run your life.

This includes things like managing your finances, keeping up with laundry and household chores, feeding yourself properly, sleeping during regular hours, attending to personal hygiene, and getting to work on time or keeping a job. You might succeed with some of these but have great difficulty with others.

Have difficulty making decisions.

Decisions cause you anxiety, and you’d rather someone else make them for you or help you decide what to do. These can be big decisions like choosing a career, buying a new car or a home, getting married, having children, etc. They might also be simple daily decisions like what to eat for dinner or whether to say yes to an invitation to do something with a friend.

Other people’s opinions of you hold a lot of weight.

You’re easily hurt or upset if people don’t like you. You could swing from feeling inferior to others to acting superior and being critical. You might also feel offended or defensive when there’s any hint of criticism.

Difficulty taking responsibility for yourself and your behavior

You might blame others for your problems, see yourself as a victim, and make excuses for lapses in behavior. This one’s hard because, in some respects, you still feel inept to take on adult responsibilities even though the expectation is there. You didn’t learn the skills or get the emotional support you needed growing up to learn how to do this, so it seems unfair to be held responsible now, but you are.

You may act fiercely independent yet are unable to run your life.

This shows up by:

• Being overly opinionated.
• Fighting with others.
• Taking offense when someone tries to help you or is consistently nice to you.
• Having tantrums when things don’t go your way.
• Complaining often about being mistreated.
• Hopping from one relationship to another or one job to another.
• Not finishing things you start.

These behaviors are characteristic of pseudo-independence and don’t apply to everyone, but if they apply to you, it’s important to recognize them and see them for what they are.

What You Can Do

Your goal is to become more independent. Even if you didn’t get your dependency needs met growing up, you can do this. It’s not a quick journey but still something you can accomplish.

If your history’s weighing you down, try counseling with a competent therapist who can help you review it and work through the issues holding you up. This is not something you can gloss over with positive thinking. It requires revisiting, working through, and letting go.

Secondly, begin developing the habits and characteristics that will help you become more independent. Here’s a list to try.

1. Develop more self-awareness.

Practice noticing your thoughts and feelings throughout the day, especially when you feel reactive to something. The idea is to become familiar with and aware of how you think and react emotionally. Don’t approach this exercise to validate your thoughts, but more as a method of watching them and getting to know your soft spots. It’s also not an exercise in overthinking. Just observe.

2. Take responsibility.

Work on becoming more responsible for your life and how it proceeds. That means watching your money, taking care of your health, and doing your best work at your job or home if you’re a stay-at-home person. Notice how often you blame someone else or circumstances for why you can’t be responsible. That’s a critical insight. It’ll help turn that pattern around. Above all, be proactive as much as possible instead of reactive.

3. Shift your sense of worthiness from what other people think to what you think.

Get used to the idea that not everyone will like you, nor do you need that. Learn to like yourself and feel good about who you are and what you’re doing. Befriend people who appreciate you and don’t worry about the others.

4. Use your thinking more.

Independent people have a good balance between thinking and feeling. They can think rationally, creatively, and analytically and express their thoughts and feelings directly. Don’t worry if you don’t succeed right away. Just keep at it. When you feel emotionally reactive, turn your attention to analyzing your feelings and where they come from. Try saying it out loud or writing down your thoughts.

5. Learn to set boundaries and say no.

If you grew up as an adult child, you’re likely a caretaker and quickly get taken advantage of by people. Setting boundaries is not something you learned, but you can do it now. It’ll give you confidence. You can read this article to help.

6. Practice making decisions.

Make small ones to start. If your house is in chaos, make 10-minute decisions on things to do to start cleaning it up; ten minutes washing dishes, ten minutes sorting laundry, ten minutes running a vacuum. Decide what to eat for lunch. Decide what to wear to work. Don’t vacillate once you make a decision. After you get good at small decisions, move on to bigger ones.

7. Catch yourself making excuses.

This is the last one. When things don’t go as you like, watch how you justify them. Who or what do you blame? Then ask yourself what you could have done differently to get a different outcome. You want to work on taking charge of your life, which also means being responsible for how it goes.

Last Thing

Don’t waste time blaming your history or parents for what you didn’t get. Likely your parents endured similar circumstances. Use your energy to address the problems and work on yourself. If it feels overwhelming, by all means, don’t go it alone. Shift some of that dependency to someone who can help you.

That’s all for today.

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Suggested reading:
​The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven R. Covey​
​What Doesn’t Kill Us by Stephen Joseph

_FOOTNOTES

_{Covey, S. R. (2020). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (4^th ed.). Simon & Schuster.}

_{Feeney, B. C. (March 2007). The dependency paradox in close relationships: Accepting dependence promotes independence. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 92(2), 268-285.  https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.92.2.268}

_{Kitayama, S., Karasawa, M., Curhan, K. B., Ryff, C. D., and Markus, H. R. (December 2010). Independence and interdependence predict health and wellbeing: Divergent patterns in the United States and Japan. Frontiers in Psychology 1(163), 1-10. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2010.00163}

_{Reindal, S. M. (June 1999). Independence, dependence, interdependence: Some reflections on the subject of personal autonomy. Disability & Society 14(3), 353-367. https://doi.org/10.1080/09687599926190}

Photo by pick-uppath, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Making plans to start something new is easy because you’re excited about it. It’s like a New Year’s resolution: You decide to learn something, lose weight, write that book, declutter your house, or finish a yard project.

You’re gung-ho! Enthusiastic and ready to get started! So you plot it all out. Maybe write it down. You’ve got a plan!

You know what happens next, right? You get started, go along for a while, and then begin to slack off. Your enthusiasm wanes, other things get in the way, and then you let it go.

There’s already a lot written about this subject, and I won’t repeat all the great information out there about creating habits. Instead, what I want to bring to your attention today are the psychological barriers that get in your way. You have to confront these if you’re going to work through your resistance successfully.

I’ve got four of them for you. However, if you have others, email me so I can include them when I write on this subject again. Let’s start.

1. Shiny New Object Syndrome

New and novel ideas are stimulating, as are new projects! The feelings of excitement and hope lift you up and make you feel like you’re moving. You’re on the road to success! The future looks bright!

Planning is even more fun because you feel energized and focused. You’re clear on your intention, and feel good about yourself! You’re on to something.

We all like shiny new objects. The problem, of course, is that they don’t remain shiny or new, and you have to find something more about them to hold your interest.

Think of it like a relationship. You fall in love, you’re walking on air, and life is wonderful. But after about 18 months (or more), you lose that big dopamine rush, settle into the relationship, and become more focused on the work involved in deepening it. It’s good work, but it doesn’t give you that initial rush. It gives you something better if you stick with it and keep working.

Projects and goals are the same. That initial enthusiasm gets you in the door, but sustained effort and work get you the results and the lasting satisfaction that’s infinitely more rewarding.

When you start, you have to know this. It helps to have a way to remind yourself before that first wave of resistance hits you. You have to be ready for it and have a plan to work around it.

Insight #1:

The first round of resistance is an invitation to begin the work that will bring you the satisfaction and success you seek. Appreciate it and use it to move to the next level of your work. See it as an invitation to tighten up your effort and figure out how to reward small steps as you complete them. Success comes from finishing one small task after another.

2. Impatience

Impatience is the cousin of shiny new object syndrome. When the shine wears off and resistance rears its head, impatience screams, “NO! I’ve had enough! I should be there by now.”

You set out on a road trip. You’re excited! You have your favorite music playing, and you’re singing at the top of your lungs. The first hour’s okay. You’re enjoying yourself. Second hour, you’re tiring a little, and the music’s sounding too loud. You try a podcast instead. Third hour, you’re complaining. Fourth hour, you’re like “What possessed me to drive this far? Why didn’t I fly? I want to be there now!”

Impatience is the enemy of success. You either hurry things up and do a sloppy, half-baked job or move on to something else.

Insight #2:

Patience is a virtue! You can hear your parents speaking, yes? Well, they were right. You have to pace yourself with any new endeavor. You have to plan for the third, fourth, and fifth hours of the trip. What strategies can you have in place to make that part of the trip satisfying and sustainable?

3. All-or-Nothing Thinking

This is the one that sinks the project and sends the goal out to sea. All-or-nothing thinking is disguised perfectionism. “If I make one mistake, I have to start over at the beginning.”

People use this one all the time on diets. First, you create a diet that no one can stick to because it’s too strenuous. Next, you eat one thing off your diet and throw in the towel. “I might as well eat whatever I want for the rest of the day because I’ve already ruined it.”

And that goes on the next day and the next day and the next. Going back to the diet seems daunting because you see it as starting at ground zero, and you’ll need to double your efforts and be more punishing to make up for your horrible, deviant behavior.

Perfectionism and its sidekick, all-or-nothing thinking, have no place in successfully completing any goal or project. They’re both poisonous to the process.

Insight #3:

Planning for any goal or project includes planning for mishaps, mistakes, or deviations. Progress is bumpy. Say this mantra to yourself daily. Write it on a poster and put it on the wall where you see it every day. “Progress is bumpy, and that’s okay!” You must get back on the horse no matter how long you were off. You don’t start over. You start from here, right now – two steps up, one back, two steps up, one back. Keep going.

4. Unexpected Problems

With most any worthy project, you’ll encounter unexpected problems or issues you don’t immediately know how to solve. Maybe it’s something you didn’t foresee or something you don’t know how to do.

When you run up against a situation like this, it’s easy to abandon the project. The issue can feel like a boulder you can’t get around. This feeling’s exacerbated by waning enthusiasm, any interruption that gives you an excuse put your project on the back burner, or simply frustration.

Most of us know that worthy goals require us to apply extra effort when problems arise, but we still have that delusional belief – mostly unconscious – that the path should be easy. And when it isn’t, we give up. You’ve got to pull that belief up, stare it down, and dispel it if you want to succeed.

Insight #4:

Sustained effort requires planning for unexpected problems. You need to regroup, pivot to accommodate the new issue, get help from someone who has the information you need, and plan how you’ll reward yourself for working through the problem.

Long-Haul Thinking

Successfully finishing a project or achieving a goal requires a long-haul attitude. That doesn’t mean it has to be grueling. Your approach should be to plan for different parts of the journey, so you remain energized until you finish.

I would suggest you read Atomic Habits by James Clear if you haven’t already to help you set up the strategies to maintain your interest and overcome the obstacles that get in the way. My goal today is to make you aware of the mindset that keeps you from using those strategies.

If you don’t have the correct mindset, all the tricks and tips won’t help you.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by fizkes, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Last month I wrote a blog on tamping down your emotional reactivity. This week I want to continue that discussion by talking about a particular type of reactivity called “flooding.”

Flooding is an emotional and physiological response to a trigger that signals the brain to ramp up for a “fight-flight-freeze” response.

Flooding precedes the response and is the part of the reaction that allows you to say things you wish you hadn’t, or become so overwhelmed you can’t think, or run from the room.

It helps to understand what happens in your brain and nervous system when flooding occurs. When you know how this works, it’s much easier to step back and give yourself time to recoup before you say or do something. It permits you to opt out of a situation for a while until you’re back in control of yourself.

Your Brain’s Response

The best description I’ve read about what happens in the brain when you get flooded comes from Daniel Goleman’s book, Emotional Intelligence. In chapter 2, aptly entitled “Anatomy of an Emotional Hijacking,” he explains the process. I’ll do my best to summarize it for you.

It starts with the amygdala, an almond-shaped “cluster of interconnected structures” located above the brainstem. The brainstem is the lower part of the brain, often referred to as the reptile brain. The brainstem handles basic life functions like breathing and metabolism and has no thinking function. All living animals and creatures have a brainstem.

The amygdala is referred to as the “emotional brain” and “acts as a storehouse of emotional memory,” It provides meaning to our experiences.

What’s important to our conversation is to understand that the amygdala also serves as the alarm system in the brain that signals danger.

When you hear someone fiddling with the lock on your front door in the middle of the night, the amygdala alerts you and initiates a fear response. You hyperfocus on the sound as you hold your breath, becoming momentarily paralyzed. You feel a sense of urgency.

Goleman calls it the “psychological sentinel” that acts like a “neural tripwire” when we sense danger.

How It Works

What typically happens when you receive sensory input is that it proceeds through a systematized distribution route.

It comes into the thalamus, which is like a sorting station. From there, the thalamus sends signals to the neocortex, the upper part of the brain responsible for thinking, strategizing, planning, and prioritizing, and also sends emotional signals to the amygdala to process. All this happens simultaneously so that the amygdala and neocortex work together to sort through all the information before responding.

Emotions supply the meaning and drive, while the neocortex gives us a way to think about what we’re doing and what the repercussions will be.

When we get triggered by something or sense danger, the amygdala acts independently without the benefit of input from the neocortex. It sidesteps our thinking brain. This happens because there’s a “neural back alley” that allows the amygdala to bypass the neocortex and respond immediately. Even though the information is on the way to the neocortex, it doesn’t get there in time to impact action already initiated by the amygdala.

Think of it as an emergency response. Something happens, you get triggered, sirens go off in the brain, and the amygdala is right there with the ammo.

Now comes the flooding. Flooding is just what it sounds like; you become flooded with intense emotions that block your ability to think or sort through the messages you’re getting. You have no access to your thinking brain. You’re on emotional overdrive, and you say things you wouldn’t normally say, act impulsively, or become so overwhelmed that you feel like you can’t speak or move.

A woman I used to see in therapy explained that when someone got angry with her, she would become so overwhelmed and afraid that she thought she was losing her mind and should go to a hospital. Of course, she wasn’t losing her mind, but at that moment, the flooding was so intense that she felt paralyzed and lost.

Physiologically, flooding often causes:

• Increased heart rate
• Adrenaline pumping
• Tunnel-vision and tunnel-hearing
• Shallow breathing
• Muscle tension
• Feeling hot or flushed
• Trembling or sweating

You can feel faint. Or, if you’re enraged, you might have excessive energy!

What To Do

You can do two things, and it’s good to do both.

1. Take a Break

Regardless of the situation, get away from it if possible until you can reduce the flooding and get your thinking brain back on board.

At the very least, it takes your brain 20 minutes to cool down to a more normal state where you can think.

People sometimes believe that retreating from an intense situation or conversation is a weakness and that they should stay and fight through that.

That’s absolutely not true. You can’t hurry your brain along once you’ve been triggered and your amygdala has scooted through that back door alley.

If the situation or the trigger involved is one with a history or a backstory, it may take longer to resume normal thinking. Sometimes it’s best to wait for another day to approach a situation that’s been problematic before.

You should also know that your emotional brain remembers things you don’t. Goleman explains it like this:

“The amygdala can house memories and response repertoires that we enact without quite realizing why we do so because the shortcut from the thalamus to amygdala completely bypasses the neocortex. This bypass seems to allow the amygdala to be a repository for emotional impressions and memories that we have never known about in full awareness.”

So be kind to yourself, and take the time you need to recuperate from an episode of emotional flooding. It’s not your fault!

2. Self-Soothe

While taking a break, soothe yourself with activities that work for you. Everyone has their own set of self-soothing strategies. Some of the most common are:

• Sleeping
• Deep breathing
• Exercising or taking a walk
• Having a cup of soothing tea
• Taking a warm bath or shower
• Listening to soothing music
• Engaging in an activity that involves organizing, prioritizing, and creativity. Some people clean, do laundry or cook. These types of activities shift your brain upward toward the neocortex.

Whatever you do, permit yourself to suspend any thought about solving the problem that initiated the flooding. You’ll be better able to work on it if you allow a break, regain your calm, and get some distance on it.

For partners, it’s good to agree on taking a break and tabling a conversation until later or the next day if necessary. Everything doesn’t need to be resolved right now.

Prepare ahead for the next round.

If the situation is an ongoing issue, you must prepare before diving in again. Take some time to consider what you could do to prevent flooding next time. You might identify the trigger that led to the problem in the first place. Or maybe set rules for discussion if the problem involves a relationship issue.

It’s worth taking the time to investigate and plan ahead. Being flooded means being out of control of your emotions and behavior, so it’s important to prevent it when possible.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Articles to help with communication:
The Antidote to Being Defensive
7 Tips to Improve Your Communication Skills

Photo by AntonioGuillem, Courtesy of iStock Photo (photo edited)

Today we’re talking about “trust.” Let me start by saying that this subject comes up in therapy more than any other. It seems to be a universal issue that many people struggle with, not only personally but on a social/societal level as well.

That said, it’s important to be able to trust those close to us and those who have a significant impact on our lives. We’re wired to connect and, as a species, cannot survive alone. Therefore trust is necessary for our survival and, more importantly, our ability to flourish.

It’s a vast subject, but for this blog, I’m outlining nine characteristics of trustworthy people. You can use this guide to help assess who you can trust and who you can’t, as well as help increase your own trustworthiness.

Let’s start with a definition.

What is trust?

I found this definition while reading Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart. She was quoting Charles Feltman, who wrote The Thin Book of Trust: An Essential Primer for Building Trust at Work. He defines trust as:

Choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.

He goes on to define distrust as concluding that:

What is important to me is not safe with this person in this situation (or any situation).

The key words are vulnerability, risk, and safety. Trust means you feel safe enough to risk being vulnerable with someone. It also means you’re putting yourself in a position where you could be hurt or betrayed.

Now let’s go through the specific characteristics of trustworthiness that will help you evaluate that risk.

9 Characteristics of Trustworthiness

1. Caring and Empathy

You have the other person’s best interest at heart as well as your own. Your actions and decisions reflect that. You can empathize with another’s feelings and point of view. You’re respectful and compassionate and avoid actions that are harmful or hurtful. You can be relied upon to consider the other person’s needs.

2. Integrity

You’re honest and transparent. You say what you mean and mean what you say. You’re authentic and reveal who you are with consistency. You’re the same person in every setting. There’s a feeling of solidity reflected in your expression of ideas, values and beliefs, expectations, and interests. Anyone speaking of you would say similar things about you. You’re true to what you believe and don’t back down from that to fit in. You’re sincere.

3. Boundaries

You both set and respect boundaries. Boundaries that honor your values, time, behavior, and expectations are clear. You’re mindful of other people’s boundaries as well and keep them. You don’t cross the line.

4. Reliability

You do what you say you’ll do. That means not taking on more than you can deliver and thinking carefully before saying yes to something. You fact-check yourself before speaking. You can use information, think rationally, and exert a balance between thoughts and emotions so that your spoken words and actions are responsible and considerate.

5. Accountability

You recognize your mistakes and can admit to them. If you do something that impacts someone negatively, you’re quick to apologize and make amends. You acknowledge your common humanity with others and don’t put yourself above anyone. You attend to your responsibilities to others and can consider the consequences of your actions upfront.

6. Confidentiality

When someone tells you something, you keep it to yourself. You’re a good listener; others know they can count on your discretion. You don’t divulge confidences. You also don’t engage in rumor mills, gossip, or negative talk about other people.

7. Open-Minded and Non-Judgmental

You’re open to different views and ideas. You can enjoy debating ideas comfortably with others without personalizing, and you respect the rights of others to express their thoughts and feelings, even when these are contrary to what you think and feel. You’re able to adjust your views with new evidence or information.

8. Vulnerability

You have the capacity for intimacy. You can be vulnerable to those you trust and share your innermost feelings and needs as they can with you.

9. Generosity

1. In Brené Brown’s words, you offer the “most generous interpretation to the intentions, words, and action of others.”
2. You’re selfless in your willingness to help. You enjoy bringing out the best in others and helping them be their best selves. You don’t focus on limitations.
3. You don’t withhold. You’re cooperative, collaborative, and share information freely.
4. You show appreciation for others’ successes and talents and give credit where credit’s due.

How does trust develop?

You may sense that you can trust someone right off the bat, but the deepening and strength of trust happen through repeated experiences and interactions.

You can work through breaches of trust, but it will depend on the nature of the breach and the steps taken to evaluate what led to the violation. It also depends on the willingness of the person involved to make amends with sincerity and behavior change. Someone being late to events will be much easier to fix than someone cheating on their partner.

The capacity to trust is learned (or not) early on. It’s the first major developmental milestone encountered during infancy and continues throughout childhood. People who lack a basic sense of trust in their family of origin will have greater difficulty learning to trust others and may also have trouble being trustworthy. Trust is challenging for people with insecure or avoidant attachment styles. In these cases, therapy can be beneficial. It requires insight and re-learning over time.

You can work on it yourself using the guidelines in this article, but as you’ll note, real trustworthiness also involves other skills such as:

• The capacity to feel empathy and compassion
• Perceive and respond positively to the needs of others
• Have a consistent, well-developed personality structure
• Embrace the values of honesty, non-harm, responsibility for your actions, and integrity
• Be self-aware of your thoughts and feelings and how they influence your behavior

In short, being trustworthy means being emotionally intelligent and feeling connected with and responsible to others. That felt connection makes you desire to be trustworthy and seek out those you can trust.

Can you be partially trustworthy?

Yes. It’s not an all-or-nothing proposition. You can be very accomplished in some areas of trustworthiness and not so much in others. You might be great at caring, keeping confidences, and being generous, yet not so much with reliability.

Most of us can point to some aspects of trust we feel confident about and others that need work. That’s normal. Having a list to work with helps you recognize where you can make improvements, and doing so will help you with your relationships, whether romantic, familial, friendships or work-related.

The best way to use these guidelines is to work first on yourself. As you go through your daily life and interact with your family, partners, friends, or work colleagues, step back and evaluate how your actions measure up. Where are you automatically behaving in a trustworthy manner, and where do you need to make improvements?

You might be surprised! Most people are. We tend to think of ourselves as trustworthy, and likely are in many respects, but not across the board.

You can also use the guide to evaluate who you can be vulnerable with and how much. If you’re the type of person who trusts easily, you might find the guide helps you be more discerning before jumping in.

Conversely, you might find your inability to trust has more to do with your history than your current relationships. Taking a close look will help you figure out where you need to intervene or if you need some help working on the issue.

That’s all for today.

As always, I hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara