Photo by fizkes, Courtesy of iStock Photo

A friend recently asked me, “How should I deal with stressful situations that arise unexpectedly?”

That’s a great question and something everyone struggles with. I’ve written on this subject before (see Blog Short #2), but I’m expanding on it today. I’ve got four strategies I use myself and suggest to clients when they’re faced with surprises that catch them off guard and cause stress.

Before we start, let me go through the psychological obstacles that get in the way, and then I’ll give you the strategies to get around those.

Two Obstacles

The two psychological obstacles that get in the way are resistance and rigidity.

Resistance

When something comes out of the blue, several things happen:

1. First, your current plan, schedule, or what you’re doing at the moment is interrupted. Usually abruptly.
2. Secondly, you’re forced to shift your attention to the interruption. You can’t avoid it.
3. Third, you resist it. We all do. Some people are better at it and can shift without getting upset or reactive, but most have a stronger emotional reaction. It depends partly on how significant the interruption is and how difficult it will be to resolve. A simple, quick interruption that takes you ten minutes to fix isn’t too much of a problem. Something that will take up the rest of the day or longer creates stronger resistance.

Either way, resistance is the natural first reaction, and it’s felt emotionally.

You might be mildly or intensely reactive, depending on the situation. You could get angry, anxious, overwhelmed, paralyzed, or just irritated and annoyed. If the issue is an emergency, you might also feel fear.

Now for the second obstacle.

Being Rigid

If your natural temperament is “go with the flow,” you’re less likely to react to a sudden change because it’s easier for you to switch gears without much notice. Transitions aren’t difficult for you.

But if you like things organized and well-planned and get invested in your schedule, you probably react more significantly to sudden changes that require you to pivot. You might get more irritated and need time to adjust. And even though you do make the shift and do what’s needed, you probably don’t do it quickly. You might complain your way through it.

If you’re very rigid, these situations make you angry or overwhelm you and leave you quite anxious. You need additional time to adjust. Your resistance is substantial.

Now let’s look at the coping strategies you can use to reduce both resistance and rigidity.

Strategy #1: The 5-Minute Rant

This one is good if you’re someone who needs to express your emotional reactions before you can make a transition. Give yourself five minutes to complain out loud and verbalize how you’re feeling. Allow yourself to say anything that comes to mind. No censoring.

There’s nothing wrong with doing this. By acknowledging how irritated you are, you’ll get some breathing room and be able to lower your resistance.

The trick is to limit how long you do it so it doesn’t get out of hand. Excessive ranting can inflame your emotions and make it hard for you to let go of them. By timing your rant, you give it some play, but not too much.

When you’ve finished, do one round of square breathing. Exhale completely to a count of four, inhale slowly to a count of four, hold it four counts, and exhale again to a count of four. Do this as many times as you like to calm yourself down. Now go to the next strategy.

Strategy #2: Channel Your Self-Talk

The next step is to use your thinking brain to help you shift your focus from where you were to where you need to go. To do this, you can create some statements to say to yourself that will facilitate this shift. Here are some examples:

“I can handle this situation. Take a deep breath. It’s not the end of the world. I can shift my day around and make it happen.”

“I don’t need to get crazy here. I’m fully capable of handling this.”

“Things happen. I can flow with it.”

The purpose of this strategy is to let go of your resistance and make a shift. Self-talk is an effective way to accomplish this.

Strategy #3: Be Deliberate

Once you’ve made that transition and you’re focused on the situation you have in front of you, it’s time to take action.

You may need to plan and prioritize what needs to be done before starting. It depends on what the situation is. It may not require planning if it’s just an undesired interruption you can easily take care of. But if it’s more involved, take a moment to think it through and get help if needed. Get your ducks in a row.

The key to this strategy is to be very deliberate with your actions. That means doing what you need to do slowly with full focus.

That sounds counterintuitive because most of us start moving faster when something stressful occurs, but doing things slower actually gets you to the finish line faster.

Get granular about it. Watch yourself as you do things. If you dropped your briefcase in the driveway before getting in your car and papers are everywhere, pick them up slowly and watch your hands as you do it. Stack them one at a time and put them back in your briefcase gradually until you’re finished and satisfied, and then close it quietly.

When you focus this way on each movement or motion, you curtail your mind from spinning out and anxiously obsessing.

Being slow and deliberate calms both your emotions and your body. It slows your breathing, reduces your heartbeat, and relaxes your muscles.

Strategy #4: Play Baseball

This strategy is more global. It’s not just a step but a way of looking at situations in general. See yourself on the baseball field playing any position you like. You can try several in your mind. As you get into position, you’ll notice your knees are slightly bent, you’re looking ahead, and ready to field the ball wherever it goes. You’re focused and flexible at the same time.

Focused and flexible. That’s the way you want to be day to day. You can attend with concentration to what you have planned and scheduled, but you’re also flexible and aware that anything could interrupt you and require a pivot on your part.

If you tend to be more rigid and need to know how things will be ahead, you can do your best to counteract surprises by planning for them, but even then, random things will happen. It’s better to practice getting good at fielding the unexpected.

Challenge yourself to use these strategies the next time something crops up and the next time after that. See it as a skill you need to learn and get good at it. Reward yourself when you do it well.

When you do that, you’ll find you sidestep that ugly resistance that brings on the rant, and you won’t even need to rant. You can be organized, scheduled, and persistent in getting things done well and be flexible at the same time. Make it a partnership, and life will be easier. The mantra I use when I need to shift is “Play ball!” Try it out!

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by DjordjeDjurdjevic, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Today I’m starting with a quote from James Clear, the author of Atomics Habits (one of my favorite books!). He says:

“Keep ignoring feedback and life will keep teaching you the same lesson.”

How true this is, and it explains why the same things happen over and over. More to the point, they will keep happening until you acknowledge the problem or issue and master it.

This quote struck me because of the word “feedback.” When problems surface, we rarely think of them as feedback. Maybe you do sometimes, but I’m guessing another more common response is, “Why me? Why is this happening? Why does it keep happening?” and so on.

A better response would be,

“Okay, this is the second time this has come up. What am I missing? What do I need to attend to?”

Obvious things like bouncing a check don’t require much thinking. You know what that problem is.

Having repeated conflicts with someone or repeated experiences in similar situations are harder to figure out. And if you don’t get a handle on what’s happening, the issue keeps coming back until it’s screaming at you. Even then, sometimes you’ll avoid it.

How should you respond?

Let’s start with how you shouldn’t.

1. You pass it off. “It’s not me – it’s you (or him, or her, or them). It’s the situation.”  You blame it on another person or the situation at hand.
2. You avoid it. “I’ve got bigger things to worry about.”
3. You deny it. “It’s not really a problem. Everything’s fine.”

Step 1: Acknowledgment

A better way starts with acknowledging and accepting that an issue keeps appearing and is trying to tell you something. It’s no different than having a repetitive physical symptom that you investigate by going to the doctor. The symptom is a warning that something’s amiss.

After acknowledging that something’s amiss, it’s time to apply some real thought and investigation to see if you can figure out what the issue is and devise a plan to make changes.

Doing that requires emotional energy and sometimes facing something you don’t want to see.

The thing is, when you face something, it’s always better than if you don’t. Because once you do, you break through your fear or annoyance or whatever emotion that’s keeping you from taking that look.

And when you attend to it, it feels good to get on a path to repair it. Eventually, you master the problem, and it’s gone. Otherwise, it’s like a mosquito that continues to buzz around your head until it morphs into a huge horsefly that you can’t ignore.

All right. You’ve acknowledged that there’s a problem. Now what?

Step 2: Define

Step two is to define it thoroughly. Depending on what it is, you may need some time for this.

For example, if you seem to get into conflicts with people at work, and this has happened at the current job and two you had before this one, then you might not immediately know what’s causing this. A problem like this requires more investigation.

You could begin by seeking out more feedback. Ask people you know who will be honest with you about their take on the issue. Read up on it if you can, or Google it. There’s information available for every problem conceivable.

You can always seek help from an expert with more knowledge of the issue. For a psychological problem, see a therapist. If you struggle with money, you might contact a financial planner. A health problem might require a physician, fitness trainer, or physical therapist. Find the person or persons who have the knowledge you need to both define and work on the problem.

Step 3: Plan

Step three is to construct a plan, including the steps you need to take to master the situation. This part’s important because it’s easy to think you’re home-free just because you’ve thoroughly understood the issue and defined the problem. You’re not. You still have to do the work.

This is where many people lose interest. They start the work but don’t finish. Then the problem resurfaces later; only it’s worse now.

So do the work. Make the plan, outline the steps, write out the specific tasks, and put them into real-time so you know what you’re going to do.

You might know everything you need to do right away. Or you may start with an initial plan that will give you the information you need to go to the next phase but will need refining as you go along.

Pivot when necessary.

You may need to pivot as you uncover additional layers of the problem.

For example, if your health is an issue, you might start with a complete medical exam. From there, you might learn that you need a specific medical treatment but also need to lose weight and improve your overall fitness. So you investigate diets and exercise plans and choose how to implement those. In the course of doing that, you narrow down the specific fitness regime you need and the type of diet you need. That may lead to learning more food preparation skills. You get the picture. Keep drilling.

As you work, you’ll continue to get feedback that lets you know how you’re doing and when you need to make another adjustment or pivot.

Keep up your momentum.

What’s great is that once you fully get into working on something, you gain momentum and part of your success impinges on keeping it going. That requires two attitudes:

1. Setbacks and wrong turns provide information you need to keep going. Nothing more. Don’t look at these as failures.
2. Momentum needs consistent attention to keep it going.

The first one’s obvious. Learn from the mistake, get back on the horse, and keep riding.

The second one is a little more complex. If the issue takes time and consistent effort, you’ll likely experience lags in your interest and focus. For instance, if you’re in a lot of debt and the plan to get out of debt will take three years, you’ll have to create milestones along the way that are close together so you have something to celebrate and feel good about. Those milestones will help you keep your momentum going.

If the issue is psychological, then you’ll need to recognize small gains as you make them, especially when you have setbacks and get into a failure mindset.

These issues are more challenging to work with because gains are not so noticeable or concrete. You work on something for a long time and think you’ve made no progress, and then suddenly, you have some big insight. The time leading up to the insight was necessary, and sticking with the work facilitated it. You need a system to remind yourself regularly that you’re putting in the work and that change takes time

Watch out for the myth.

One of the myths we’re all subject to is the belief and hope that life will be easy. You likely know that’s a myth, but I’m guessing you don’t jump up and down when you meet obstacles and clap your hands in glee because you get to solve them.

Most of us automatically draw back when adversity blocks our path. That’s okay as long as it doesn’t stop you from meeting the challenge. It helps to remember that ignoring a problem only makes it grow. Meeting it head-on leads to mastery, learning, growth, and ultimately more satisfaction.

That’s all for today!

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

What can you do when you’re inundated with negative thoughts about your partner or someone you’re close to?

You might feel you have reasons for those thoughts, and you may, but our human tendency is to veer toward our natural negativity bias. You pick out those things that bother you and give them more focus. When you do that, you forget about the things you like. And the more you do that, the more it takes a toll on your relationship.

There’s a way to counteract that tendency, which is the subject of today’s blog.

Let’s start with some background that will give you a big-picture view of how intimate relationships evolve.

Highs and Lows

If you think about your development and growth over your life, you recognize that you experience highs and lows, progress and setbacks, and times of regrouping and starting again. That’s the nature of growth. It can be no other way.

Relationships also go through a similar path of development. They start in infancy and move through old age. And some die an early death while others last throughout a lifetime. Generally, that’s up to the people involved, just as our growth individually is something we take on and own.

So, if you understand and expect that there will be highs and lows, you’re already ahead of the game because you’re realistic and know that relationships require work. You get many benefits from that work but still have to do it.

It’s very easy to become negative – and sometimes really negative – about your partner during the lows.

You can find yourself ruminating about all the things that are wrong and all those quirks that drive you nuts. You might daydream about the perfect partner or imagine yourself single again. It’s easy to get immersed in “grass is greener” thinking during these times.

Sometimes there’s too much wrong, and the relationship is in trouble, but often it’s part of a developmental phase in the relationship. It’s important to put your negative thoughts in perspective during these periods to keep your equilibrium.

Here’s what you can do.

Use these prompts to get your thoughts about your partner back to a more realistic appraisal.

Think back.

Go back in time and remember when you first met each other and how you felt, what you liked, and what drew you to this person. Sit with these memories and savor them.

• What attracted you to each other?
• What things did you have in common?
• How did you feel?
• What experiences did you have together that made you want to continue?

Focus in on what you like.

Make a list of everything you’ve ever liked about this person. As you do this, be careful not to turn it into a “yes, but” exercise. “Yes, I really like how hard he works, but he pays no attention to me.” Leave off the “he pays no attention to me.” Make this a list of likes only. If you stretch your mind and allow yourself to be open to what you’ve liked and still like now, you’ll gather a pretty good list.

I would do this in a single day and not allow any other negative thoughts to intrude.

On the next day, write down the things you don’t like and see if you can look at them differently.

Ask yourself,

“Is this something I don’t like but maybe benefit from a little?”

An example might be:

You have a partner who doesn’t help with cooking or cleaning up after dinner, but he’s great with the kids and keeps them entertained while you’re busy, and tucks them in later so you can relax.

Is there another side you should consider? There are often hidden benefits that offset those things that bother you. Not always, but when you can see them, it helps to keep things in perspective.

Imagine how you would feel if your partner was suddenly gone.

Imagine all the situations you might experience. What would you miss, and how would that affect you? Allow yourself to sink into this thought and go through your feelings.

Sometimes the day-to-day experiences narrow your perspective and keep you focused on the same issues so that you get far removed from the bigger picture. That, too, is a human tendency. We tend to fold in and get tunnel vision, especially with things we find problematic or don’t like.

This exercise’s value is stretching your vision back out, which is a good practice in general. You do need to attend to problems and details, but you do that best when you see these within a more panoramic view. Try to keep that panoramic view of your relationship.

Review the strengths.

The last thing to do is to list the strengths of your relationship. What have you accomplished thus far together?

This list can include things like:

• Having children and raising them
• Creating a financial base through one or both of your jobs
• Buying a home
• Learning how to communicate with each other effectively
• Knowing and understanding what’s most important to each of you
• Setting up routines that facilitate daily living
• Spending time together
• Engaging in activities you both like
• Having good conversations
• Resolving conflicts successfully

I’m sure there are many more you might add to this list. List everything you can think of, even those small things you might not usually notice.

Don’t allow yourself to list the weaknesses yet. Just stick with the strengths.

Now what?

If you’ve completed the exercises, you’ve reminded yourself of your partner’s positive qualities and become aware of your strengths as a couple. You’ve got a fresh view that will help to work on problem areas. You can see that your relationship has enough going for it that you can continue building on what you’ve achieved and the feelings you have for each other.

All relationships have problems, and you do need to address them. It’s never good to ignore issues that can create distance over time or, at worst, destroy the relationship.

You have deal-breakers, and it’s good to define those for yourself and your partner so you both know the limits and agree to them.

Expectations are different. Depending on your growth as a couple, you can adjust them as you go along. The better you know someone and the greater your understanding of each other’s needs, your expectations will change.

Stay balanced.

Balancing the positives and negatives, especially seeing the good in you and your partner, helps you work more as a team rather than be at odds with each other.

There must be more good feelings than negative ones for a relationship to succeed and evolve.

During those lows, remind yourself of what you’re working toward, the value you both bring to the relationship, and what you have together.

For significant issues you can’t solve, seek some help. A third party can benefit you when you hit a brick wall. Sometimes the relationship is unhealthy, and in spite of looking at the positives, the negatives can’t be overcome.

There are also programs you can go through that help heal relationships. For that, I would guide you toward The Gottman Institute. Founded by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, their work in marriage and intimate relations is untouchable! They have books, programs you can go through, and therapist recommendations. Check them out!

That’s all for today.

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by gorodenkoff, Courtesy of iStock Photo

What do you think when you hear the word “compromise?” Do you think you’re going to get something or give something up? I think most of us believe we’re going to give something up.

Even the word “compromise” has a negative vibe because it means caving in some way or another, and it assumes a competitive relationship between you and the other person.

“I want this, and you want that. How much will I have to give up to settle the issue?”

That’s the question. And there’s always the fear that you might have to give up everything to avoid escalating the conflict.

A better approach, especially when it comes to personal relationships, is to use negotiation.

Today I’ll explain the difference between compromise and negotiation and give you some strategies that facilitate successful negotiation.

Differences Between Compromise and Negotiation

Compromise

Compromise starts with a problem between opposing sides.

Imagine two people standing on either side of a line, with their wants and needs stacked up on their side. They begin moving toward the middle, with each person making concessions to get to a point where there’s agreement. They chisel away at their wants and needs to make things work. That doesn’t necessarily mean either of them gets something they want.

For example, if one of you loves to go out for dinner and the other likes to stay in and cook together, you might compromise by ordering out, which doesn’t really satisfy either one of you. Yes, you get restaurant food, and you stay in, but you both lose the experience you each wanted. In this case, you have a lose-lose situation.

In the above example, two people cater equally to solve a problem. But compromise doesn’t always work this way. If one person is more dominant than the other, and the other is conflict-avoidant, you end up with one person getting what they want and the other accommodating them to avoid a fight. In this case, you get a win-lose.

Negotiation

Negotiation is based on equal consideration of each person’s wants and needs.

You start on the same side of the line and tackle the issue together. You work as a team to redefine the problem in terms of each other’s needs and then decide how to meet them, so you each get something. When done successfully, the outcome is win-win.

Using our example above about whether to go out to eat or stay in and cook, the solution would be to eat out one weekend and stay in the next. That way, you both get what you want.

Negotiation is a proactive process, whereas compromise is passive. With negotiation, you acknowledge issues willingly and work as a team to solve them. The approach is collaborative. Each person has equal power and asserts their ideas and desires while the other listens with respect and interest. No one needs to guard their territory or give it up.

With compromise, there’s a reluctance to dive in. The power base is often unequal, and you operate with the mindset, “What am I going to have to give up?”

Negotiation leaves each person satisfied, while compromise can lead to resentment and a resurfacing of issues because they’re never really resolved.

So you might ask,

“Aren’t we just talking semantics here? Isn’t negotiation actually compromise?”

Yes and no. It is compromise in the sense that there’s a problem and a solution both people agree to, but the difference is that negotiation maintains the power balance and focuses on each person getting something, not giving up something.

The process is positive because you start with the mindset that you’ll be happy with the outcome. You don’t approach with wariness and fear that you won’t be heard or considered.

Let’s outline the benefits quickly, and then I’ll give you some strategies that make it work.

Benefits of Negotiation

• Both people get their needs met.
• You get something you want in exchange for something the other person wants.
• You each get to verbalize what you need and know you will be heard and respected.
• The power base is equal.
• You find satisfaction in satisfying each other’s wants, which bodes well for the health and longevity of the relationship.
• Each feels that the solution(s) is fair and was arrived at as a team. You feel good about working together.
• True negotiation solves issues, so they don’t keep coming back up.
• Negotiation enhances the connection between you and the other person.

Strategies for Negotiation

For negotiation to go smoothly, it is necessary to follow basic guidelines for communication. If you don’t, you might sabotage the process. Remember that negotiation is a collaboration. For best results:

1. Voice your ideas, opinions, beliefs, wants, and needs directly and clearly.
2. Focus on behaviors instead of personal characterizations.
3. Let each person have their say without interruption.
4. Ask questions to clarify and uncover any additional needs not spoken. For example, someone may want to spend an evening in just talking without the TV running in the background. Further probing might reveal that the underlying need is to have more quality time together. Knowing that opens the door for more discussion and possible solutions. Ask both “what” and “why.”
5. Avoid criticism, contempt, or sarcasm. All of these will close down the conversation quickly.
6. Keep an open mind which means accepting that the other person has ideas that may differ from yours but should be honored just the same. Try to see it through their lens, even when you disagree.
7. Don’t censor ideas. The more you know, the more creatively you can come up with solutions. You can have wildly opposing views and still come up with solutions that give both of you something you want.
8. Stay connected while talking. See yourselves as a problem-solving team, not opponents.

What if the issue is more complex?

Complex issues like where to live, whether to buy a house or keep renting, or how to parent require continued negotiation.

In cases like these, it’s good to break down the issue into parts and work a little at a time. You might need to do research or get more information. You can both do that and come back together as often as necessary to share what you’ve learned and see how it sits with you.

What’s most important in these cases is to:

• Keep the power base equal, which means maintaining respect and consideration for each other’s ideas and points of view.
• Be forthcoming in expressing your thoughts and feelings. Don’t withhold information out of fear or resentment. Honesty breeds trust and trust is necessary for collaboration.
• Agree to work on a complex problem over time. It’s easy to get antsy about resolving something because no one likes to be in limbo, but hurrying a solution without allowing the time necessary for emotional reactions to settle is a mistake and often comes back to bite you.

Relationships flourish when you learn how to resolve conflicts equitably. All problems can be solved and done in a way that leaves both parties with a win.

If you practice negotiation with the strategies we’ve outlined, you’ll be successful and improve your relationships simultaneously.

Keep these words in mind, and you’ll succeed:

Collaborate, equal say, respect, teamwork, win-win

That’s all for today.

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Kostikova, Courtesy of iStock Photo

This blog is Part 2 of our work on learning how to set boundaries. If you didn’t read Part 1, it would be good to go back and read it first by clicking here.

Briefly, we covered signs that indicate you need to work on setting boundaries and the myths that hold you hostage and keep you from doing it.

Today we’ll continue with strategies you can use to decide what boundaries to set and how, and then talk about how to maintain them.

Let’s dive in!

The Strategies

Before we start, it’s good to recognize that setting boundaries is more challenging with family and friends. That’s only natural because your involvement is deeper, and your ingrained behavior patterns are more likely to show up in your interactions with those you’re closer to. Keep that in mind as we go through the strategies.

Strategy #1 – Setting expectations

This strategy sets the stage for all the others. Take some time and review people or situations you think need some boundary-setting. Write out how you would like things to be different from how they are now. List your expectations of those involved, including yourself. Doing this will help you identify where you feel taken advantage of or are giving too much of yourself. Be specific and realistic.

Strategy #2 – Set time-related boundaries.

Now that you’ve defined some expectations, review your time. If you have more to do than you have time, the only solution is to shrink down what you have to do or farm some of it out to other people. Strategies that help with time are as follows.

Delegate. You don’t have to do it all. Delegating requires letting go of the need to control everything and checking your guilt when asking for help.

If you have a partner, review the workload and reshuffle tasks to even things out, so you both participate. Work as a team, and check in with each other weekly to adjust as needed.

If you have kids, give them more responsibilities and chores. They should see themselves as part of the family team and learn to contribute based on their ages and capabilities.

If your job takes up 60 hours instead of 40, talk to your boss and see if you can whittle down the hours.

Schedule all your activities on a calendar, including time for family, friends, and yourself. It helps to see it visually. Then track it until you have a good handle on where your time goes.

Extracurriculars. Resign from your role as entertainment director. If you have kids, allow them time to self-entertain, deal with boredom, and use their imaginations (without Youtube, TikTok, or social media). Let them choose only one extra-curricular activity at a time, so you limit the time spent toting them to and from activities.

Other commitments. Don’t agree to any new commitment for at least 24 hours after being asked. Give yourself time to evaluate how it will affect your overall schedule. Pick and choose what you want to do, and say no to the rest. Say this mantra to yourself: “I’m not the only person who can take this on. Someone else could do it.”

Strategy #3 – Set digital boundaries.

Review these three activities that can eat up a lot of your time.

1. Texting. Don’t feel you need to answer texts right away, especially chat texts. Let people know when you’re unavailable for texts except for emergencies. People will learn and acclimate to your boundaries.
2. Social media. The best practice is to hold yourself to no more than 30 minutes daily on social media. Try it. If you do that, you’ll have lots more time. You’ll also not get lured into comparing yourself with others, trying to make people happy, and getting stirred up by negative posts.
3. Emails. If you have a job, make it a rule not to respond to after-hours emails. If you have a job that requires you to respond to emails in the evening, discuss it with your boss and see if you can’t set that boundary. We live in a 24-hour access world, so you have to get diligent about not allowing that access during the hours you need for you and your family.

Strategy #4 – Set self-related boundaries.

These are the boundaries you need to set with yourself. By doing so, it will be easier to stick with the others.

Accept responsibility for being taken advantage of. You undoubtedly have good intentions by going the extra mile to help everyone. However, you are the only one that can stop the onslaught. Allow people to be responsible for themselves.

When you’re not sure if you should offer your help, ask yourself if the person in question:

1. Has your best interest at heart.
2. Is shirking their responsibilities by relying on you
3. Is expecting too much.

You’re not helping if you’re enabling someone to take advantage and avoid their responsibilities.

Carve out some time for yourself. Do this even if it’s just 30 minutes per day. Figure out where you can squeeze that time in and how best to use it to nurture yourself. Then schedule it and stick with it.

Ask for help when needed without overstepping someone else’s boundaries. Don’t be a one-person show. If you’re a parent, check into carpooling or exchanging babysitting. If you can afford it, hire a cleaning service for your home. Even once a month is a huge help. Take some time and assess where you might get some help and what you can offer in exchange.

Say no! Saying no is more than setting a boundary; it requires revamping your identity. It means seeing yourself as deserving of respect, consideration, and appreciation for what you contribute. It’s being a team player and allowing others to do their part. Most importantly, it means letting go of unfounded guilt because you can’t be all things to all people. You can use all your wonderful talents without being exploited or taken advantage of. You do that by choosing when, how, and under what circumstances. Draw the line when offering help is done at your expense. It should be win-win, not win-sacrifice.

Maintaining Boundaries

Just because you set a boundary doesn’t mean others will uphold it. Here’s how to get around that.

Spell them out clearly. Don’t expect anyone to read your mind or wait for them to recognize when they’re overstepping. Let people know what you expect and where the line is. People capable of healthy relationships will appreciate this and honor your boundaries.

Restate it when tested. Some people will push the boundary to see if you mean it. This might happen because someone’s used to you being available whenever they need you, but it can also occur because they want things to remain as they were. A friend who’s used to taking advantage of you won’t like the change and will likely test it to see if you’ll stick with it. Setting boundaries can result in losing friends who weren’t good friends to begin with. Know this upfront and accept it. It’s in your best interest.

Be firm but not rigid. When you set a boundary, it’s good to stick with it until it’s easy to keep and others know it without thinking about it. However, sometimes you stretch a boundary just that once because it feels like the right thing to do. Be firm yet flexible when the situation calls for it. Just make sure that your flexibility isn’t a relapse but a well-thought-out decision.

The Fallout

If you’re not used to setting boundaries or have avoided it, it might feel uncomfortable for a while. Likely it will. Start slow. Choose easy ones first and establish them before moving toward bigger ones.

Remember that setting boundaries is a shift in your identity, which requires a shift in how people see you. That’s why it’s good to go slow and allow everyone to keep up.

Let me know how it goes. Leave a comment or email me. I’m always open to questions.

That’s all for today.

Have a great weekend!

All my best,

Barbara

P.S. – Suggested reading: Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Photo by ljubaphoto, Courtesy of iStock Photo

If you’re the chronically overwhelmed caretaker, leader, parent, helper, teacher, or friend, you likely need some work on setting boundaries.

Setting boundaries is hard for most people, especially those who are empathetic and have a natural desire to help. It takes practice and staying power. Even if you’ve gotten better at setting boundaries, it’s easy to slip back into old habits and let up on them. Mostly this happens because people will inevitably test you to see how firm you are about keeping your boundaries.

If you’re a parent, you have lots of experience with this. Only instead of calling them boundaries, you call them rules. You set rules, your kids test them, wear you down, and before you know it, they’ve managed to slip through and get you to give in to something.

It’s the same with adult boundary-setting. Most people don’t realize that.

You think that once you’ve told someone where you draw the line, they’ll fall in and honor that. Sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesn’t.

I’m covering this subject in two parts because it’s too large a topic to adequately address in one round. Today we’ll go over signs that you need some work on boundary-setting and then cover some myths that get in the way of changing your behavior. Next week in Part 2, I’ll go over strategies you can use to help set boundaries and maintain them so you don’t fall backward.

Signs That You Need to Set More Boundaries

Let’s do this in two separate lists. The first one relates to how you’re feeling right now. The second is a list of underlying beliefs and behaviors that create resistance to setting boundaries.

How You’re Feeling Now

If any of these resonate, you might need to consider your current boundaries or lack of (Tawwab, 2021).

• You’re overwhelmed and stressed out.
• Feel resentful when people ask you to do something or help them
• Avoid phone calls and interactions with people who might ask for something
• Ruminate about helping people and getting nothing in return
• Feel unappreciated, taken advantage of, and disrespected
• Have lost interest in things you enjoy or that provide meaning for you
• Fantasize about living alone
• Feel burned out and tired all the time
• Have no time for yourself
• Feel anxious or depressed or both

All of these may not apply, but if a good many of them do, keep going.

Underlying Beliefs and Behaviors

These are things you do and believe that keep you from setting boundaries. You won’t successfully make changes unless you identify these first and rethink them.

• You’re the caretaker and the go-to person that does everything for everyone.
• You feel responsible for other people’s feelings and need to make everyone happy and comfortable.
• You’re hypersensitive to disapproval and worry greatly about what other people think of you.
• You have a difficult time saying no and feel guilty when you do.
• You give away your time indiscriminately.
• You have difficulty making decisions.
• You feel incredibly guilty if you let someone down.
• You attract people who take advantage of you or try to dominate and control you.
• You overshare.
• You don’t speak up when someone mistreats you.
• It’s hard for you to voice what you want or need.
• You handle resentment and anger passive-aggressively.

Again, these may not all apply, but likely you’ll find a fair number of them do if you struggle with boundaries.

Now let’s go over some of the myths that hold you hostage and keep you where you are.

The Myths

Myth #1: No one else can take care of things as well as I can.

This belief sits at the bottom of the myth pile and keeps you right where everyone wants you. By falling into this trap, you don’t allow others to take responsibility for themselves. You encourage them to rely on you, and they do. You send the message that you’re willing to take care of everything, and you can do it better.

The more you send out those messages, the more people take advantage of you. But the harsh reality is that you allow and encourage it.

This is the most problematic habit to overcome and likely has its roots in your history. Many people who caretake are the oldest child or held this role in their families of origin. They were primed to be caretakers and have integrated this role into their identities. That’s why it’s difficult to dislodge. Let’s go to the next one.

Myth #2: I can’t be happy until everyone else is happy.

The drive to make sure everyone else is happy and comfortable isn’t really about them – it’s about you. It’s about keeping your anxiety and guilt in check.

This is another issue that likely originates in your upbringing. If you had a parent who was depressed or anxious and looked to you for soothing, you had to take on that responsibility. Or you might have had an angry and volatile parent, and keeping them happy was a matter of survival. Either way, it was up to you to take care of your parent’s emotional needs, which no child can do.

A situation like that can lead to chronic feelings of anxiety and inadequacy, and as an adult, you end up replaying the same situations with your peers in an attempt to conquer those feelings.

This is a messy myth to straighten out because it’s true that you should be concerned, empathetic, and care about your partner, adult kids, family members, and friends, but not true that you’re responsible for their emotional well-being and growth. Each person has this responsibility themselves.

Myth #3: I can do it all.

There are two myths here.

1. You can stretch time to fit what you need to do.
2. You can do it all.

No, you cannot! Time is limited. That means you need to be realistic about what’s possible. We’ll talk about how you can do that next week, but for now, recognize that you have so many hours in a day and must use some for sleep and self-care. After that, you must be selective and get help to accomplish what needs doing.

Myth #4: It’s selfish to put myself first.

Most people who have difficulty setting boundaries don’t believe their needs should ever come first.

Even if you understand intellectually that this isn’t true, it chafes even to consider its validity. The very idea of it can leave you feeling anxious. If you do indulge in taking time for yourself, you worry that people will be mad at you for not being available for them.

This is a challenging obstacle to overcome and is best approached sideways. It requires practice. When you begin to make room for yourself, you may be very uncomfortable. However, the more you do it and fold it into your schedule, you accept it. By practicing, your beliefs about it change. You slip through the side door until you can make time without feeling guilty. For some, this isn’t an issue. The issue is just having the time.

Next Week

During this next week, take some time to see where you fit using the lists and myths we’ve covered today. Consider your history to discover where some of these ideas and habits developed. It helps to trace them back so you can release yourself from them. That will prime you for next week’s blog when we cover practices and strategies you can use to set better boundaries.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

P. S. Suggested reading: Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab.

Photo by DrAfter123, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Have you had the experience of being in a good mood and then coming home to find everyone else in a bad mood and grumpy, depressed, or irritable? After being in that atmosphere for a short time, your mood dropped, and you felt irritable too.

This is called “emotional contagion,”  and it’s a real thing that occurs on a neurological level. We literally can “catch” each other’s emotions.

Today I’m going to explain how emotions are transferred from one person to another and then give you some ideas about how you can manage this process.

A Definition

Let’s start with a basic definition. I like Wikipedia’s straightforward explanation:

Emotional contagion is the “spontaneous spread of emotions and related behaviors.”

It happens between individuals, within groups, over social media, and from interactions with music, art, entertainment, or reading.

It’s also important to note that it can be negative or positive. For example, a small angry group of people can morph into a mob that becomes violent, just as an inspirational speaker leveraging positive messages can lift the emotions of a large audience.

How Emotional Contagion Works

There are three stages to the process of emotional contagion (Hatfield, Cacioppo & Rapson, 1993). These are mimicry, feedback, and contagion. Let’s go through them.

Stage 1: Mimicry

When conversing with someone, you automatically mimic their facial and vocal expressions, postures, movements, and behaviors. Facial expressions, in particular, have an impact.

Sometimes when a person smiles at you, you smile back. That’s a very conscious act, but the mimicry we’re talking about is unconscious and occurs so fast that someone watching you wouldn’t notice the shifts in your facial muscles. They’re that subtle.

The same happens with voice expressions. You change your voice pitch, tempo, harmonics, and sounds depending on the emotions you’re “catching” (Scherer, 1982)

You also mimic postures and movements. In one study done with college students, they were able to synchronize their movements with each other in 21 milliseconds (Condon & Ogston, 1996). They didn’t do this consciously, and even if you tried to do it consciously, you couldn’t match that speed. Mimicry happens automatically, and it’s fast.

Stage 2: Feedback

The second stage is called feedback. As you mimic facial expressions, voice, postures, and movements, your brain generates the emotions attached to them. This information is fed back to you, allowing you to feel the other person’s emotions to some degree.

If your facial muscles flex in a way to mimic a sad face, it feeds that information back to you, and you feel sadness. You may not feel ownership of the feeling, yet feel its presence.

That sounds confusing, but here’s what I mean by that:

If I’m sitting in a room with someone who’s feeling sad, that feeling might pop up in my mind even though it’s not my feeling.

I may sense it from the postures, facial expressions, or movements of that person, even if they’re not verbalizing how they feel. The longer I’m exposed, the more palpable the feeling gets. What I’m not aware of is that I’m likely mimicking those facial expressions and movements as part of my perceptual experience.

You can see the power of this process from the initial mimicry to feedback. Now let’s review the last stage.

Stage 3: Contagion

The actual “contagion” part of the process is facilitated by specific brain neurons called “mirror neurons.”

Mirror neurons were discovered during a study conducted by Italian researchers Ferrari & Rizzolatti (2014): When one monkey grabbed an object, and another monkey watched but didn’t perform the same action, the neurons associated with that activity fired the same in both monkeys’ brains.

So if you watch someone lift weights, but you don’t do it, the same neurons related to the weight lifting activity will fire in your brain as they do in the brain of the person lifting the weights.

Similarly, when you mimic someone’s facial expressions, mirror neurons facilitate the firing of neurons related to the emotion(s) attached to those facial expressions in your brain, and you feel them. This process is the neurological basis of empathy, although there’s a difference between empathy and emotional contagion, which I’ll explain next.

How to Deal with Emotional Contagion

1. Feel the emotions without succumbing to them.

Empathy is different than emotional contagion. You can feel someone’s emotions without getting submerged in them. With contagion, you become absorbed and heavily influenced by the other person’s emotions.

With empathy, you understand how someone feels and can affirm and validate their feelings yet not take them on. You can listen, show interest, soothe, and be present, but use your thinking brain to help you maintain enough distance to avoid being absorbed by the emotions you’re picking up on.

2. Know when to step away.

There are situations when you should step away from someone whose emotions are out of control or on a negative path. Examples might be when you’re in a crowd where anger is building, on social media where most of the posts are negative, or hanging out with a group that mostly complains and enjoys gossiping about other people’s problems.

We all know or have read about riots that started with a protest of some sort and escalated into violence, looting, destruction, and sometimes death.

We’ve seen people stampeded at concerts and sports events when spectators’ emotions escalated, resulting in mobs running onto fields or toward the stage.

It’s important to take the rise of emotional contagion in group settings seriously to protect and keep yourself safe.

3. Avoid regular contact with toxic people.

Regular contact with people who are chronically negative, cynical, argumentative, angry, manipulative, or miserable can have a significant influence on how you feel. Even if you’re good at separating yourself from their emotions, you’re still influenced and impacted negatively. So choose your company carefully.

4. Regulate your intake of news, social media, entertainment, books, and music.

Curb the amount of time you spend interacting with media and entertainment focusing on negative emotions. Staying current with news is different from watching the same depressing story over and over. Keep in mind that our natural tendency toward a negativity bias is in full blossom on social media, through news outlets, and via some types of entertainment. Be mindful of how you’re affected and choose accordingly. By the way, the right company, music, art, movie, or book can lift your emotions, and these are instances where you can take advantage of emotional contagion.

5. Pay attention to the emotions you generate.

Emotional contagion is a two-way street, so it’s essential to watch your output of emotions around your family and friends, at work, in group settings, and even in public. That doesn’t mean you should suppress your feelings, but be aware of how you express them and under what circumstances. Working on your emotional intelligence is an aid to help you get a handle on your emotions.

Does everyone have the same level of susceptibility?

The answer is no, although this subject is still under investigation and has a way to go. If you’re highly empathetic by nature, you more likely will be a “catcher” of other people’s emotions. If you’re outgoing and charismatic, you may transmit emotions more than someone who’s rather stoic and quiet (Verbeke, 1997).

Personality characteristics influence your susceptibility, and it’s good to be aware of where you fall along the continuum so you can moderate your interactions with others.

If you’re interested in reading more, check out the footnotes below. There are some excellent articles and studies that delve into these questions.

That’s all for today!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

_{Bastiaansen, J. A., Thioux, M., & Keysers, C. (2009). Evidence for mirror systems in emotions. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society, Series B, Biological Sciences, 364(1528), 2391–2404. DOI:10.1098/rstb.2009.0058}

_{Conon, W. S., & Ogston, W. D. (1966). Sound film analysis of normal and pathological behavior patterns. Journal of Nervous and Mental Disease, 143(4), 338-347. https://doi.org/10.1097/00005053-196610000-00005}

_{Ekman, P., Levenson, R. W., & Friesen, W. V. (1983). Autonomic nervous system activity distinguishes among emotions. Science, 221(4616), 1208-1210. https://doi.org/10.1126/science.6612338}

_{Ferrara, E. & Yang, Z. (2015). Measuring emotional contagion in social media. PLoS ONE 10(11). https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0142390}

_{Ferrari, P. F., & Rizzolatti, G. (2014). Mirror neuron research: The past and the future. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society, Series B, Biological Sciences, 369:20130169. DOI:10.1098/rstb.2013.0169}

_{Gaines, J. (2021, Feb 12). What is emotional contagion theory? (Definition and Examples). Positive Psychology. https://positivepsychology.com/emotional-contagion/}

_{Hatfield, E., Cacioppo, J. L. & Rapson, R. L. (1993). Emotional contagion. Current Directions in Psychological Sciences, 2,(3), 96-99. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8721.ep10770953}

_{Hatfield, E., Rapson, R. L., & Le, Y. L. (in press). Primitive emotional contagion: Recent research. In J. Decety and W. Ickes (Eds.) The social neuroscience of empathy. Boston, MA: MIT Press.}

_{Herrando, C. and Constantinides, E. (2021, July 16). Emotional contagion: A brief overview and future directions. Frontiers in Psychology, Sec. Emotion Science. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.712606}

_{Kramer, A. D. I., Guillory, J. E., & Hancock, J. T. (2014). Experimental evidence of massive-scale emotional contagion through social networks. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America, 111(24), 8788-8790. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1320040111}

_{Laird, J. D. & Bresler, C. (1992). The process of emotional feeling: A self-perception theory. In M. S. Clark (Ed.), Emotion: Review of Personality and Social Psychology, 13, 213-234. (Sage Publications, 1992).}

_{Lundqvist, L. O., & Dimberg, U. (1995). Facial expressions are contagious. Journal of Psychophysiology, 9(3), 203-211. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/250928273_Facial_expressions_are_contagious}

_{Nickerson, C. (2021, Nov 08). Emotional Contagion. Simply Psychology. www.simplypsychology.org/what-is-emotional-contagion.html}

_{Scherer, K. (1982). Methods of research on vocal communication: paradigms and parameters. In K.R. Scherer & P. Ekman (Eds.), Handbook of Methods in Nonverbal Behavior Research (pp. 136-198). (Cambridge University Press, New York, 1982).}

_{Verbeke, W. (1997). Individual differences in emotional contagion of salespersons: Its effect on performance and burnout. Psychology & Marketing, 14(6), 17-636. https://doi.org/10.1002/(SICI)1520-6793(199709)14:6<617::AID-MAR6>3.0.CO;2-A}

Photo by SIphotography, Courtesy of iStock Photo

I don’t know about you, but that title resonates with me! I don’t like anyone telling me what to do, and many of us don’t. However, some of us especially don’t like it and overreact when it happens.

If this doesn’t apply to you, it may apply to someone you know. It’s not an uncommon characteristic. It can, however, cause problems in relationships, on the job, and in situations where you need to work as a team.

Today we’re going to tackle this issue and get some clarity on where it comes from and how you can work with it. Let’s dive in.

Where does it come from?

Here are four possible causes or circumstances that might make you reactive to being told what to do.

1. It’s your natural temperament.

You have an independent nature and like to do things on your own. You don’t enjoy group projects, collaborations, and especially unsolicited help or advice. You want to figure things out yourself and have faith in your ability to do that. If you’re shopping and can’t find something, you’d prefer to look for it yourself instead of asking someone where it is.

2. You had an authoritarian parent.

You grew up with a parent or parents who didn’t allow you to speak your mind, contribute your ideas, or have input. Your parent’s word was law, and there were immediate repercussions for not complying. If you were told to do something, it was to be done immediately without considering what you might be engaged in at the moment.

3. You had a hovering parent.

You had a parent or parents who didn’t allow you to develop your autonomy. They were intimately engaged and involved in everything you did, including how you thought and felt. You had little privacy. You consistently got the message that you couldn’t figure things out on your own – that left to your own devices, you’d make a mistake or fail. The other unspoken message was that failure was unacceptable.

4. You were the oldest child.

You had adult responsibilities early on and throughout your childhood and teens. You did a lot of caretaking. Your time was not your own, and you were on deck most of the time to do whatever was needed. Conversely, you had no authority, which left you feeling trapped and resentful. You fantasized about leaving home and living on your own. You were out of the house as soon as you finished high school.

Okay, so what do I do?

You might be saying, “I don’t want to change. I like being in charge of myself and don’t want anyone interfering.”

I get it. I’m there. But, the problem with that is:

• Life is collaborative. We have to work with each other. And, sometimes, you do have to submit to someone else’s authority.
• You can’t always do everything on your own. Sometimes input from someone else is helpful and necessary. You might need additional knowledge or expertise to perform better.
• Refusing help from people who love you can be off-putting or hurtful. It creates a barrier.
• People may view you as stubborn, inflexible, unwilling to work as part of a team, and in some cases, arrogant. That can create distance and discord and ultimately isolate you, which you might find painful.

Some Solutions

Here are some ideas that will be good for your relationships while also maintaining your autonomy.

Using the four scenarios listed above, figure out where you fit.

You may find that you fit in several of the categories. For example, you may be the oldest child and have authoritarian parents.

Understanding why you react strongly to being told what to do is the first step, and it’s essential. If you know where it comes from, you can begin to identify the triggers that lead to unwanted reactions.

Work on quieting those triggers.

When you find yourself having that knee-jerk reaction to someone’s request or demand, take a moment to review how you’re feeling and think about what’s triggering you. How is this dynamic similar to your family dynamics?

Each time you make that connection, you lessen the trigger’s effect. You also put emotional space between yourself and the reaction so you can make a deliberate choice about how to proceed.

Make a distinction between current people in your life and your history.

View the contexts separately. If you had an authoritarian parent and now have a tyrannical boss, the situations are not the same, even though the dynamics may be similar. You may agree to deal with your boss’s demands because it’s part of your job, but it’s not a reflection of who you are as it may have felt as a child. You’re no longer the kid with no autonomy. You can change jobs if you decide the dynamics are intolerable.

You have choices now that you didn’t have growing up. That’s a significant distinction you need to keep in mind. When you’re clear on that, you won’t be so reactive.

If you had a hovering parent, you might avoid intimacy and lack confidence in yourself.

Hovering parents are invasive and leave you little breathing room to explore and create your identity outside of what they assign to you. You avoid close interaction and teamwork because, for you, both feel invasive. In this case, you’re more likely dealing with avoidance rather than a problem with authority.

This problem might require some therapy to help you work through it. The goal is to establish your autonomy and then learn to be vulnerable and still feel that you have choices in how you direct your life.

Here’s a simple list of things you can do daily.

• When you’re stumbling over a problem, ask someone with the knowledge you need to assist you. Don’t try to do everything on your own. Practice asking for help when you need it.
• Don’t react with annoyance when someone asks you to do something you already knew you had to do. Just cheerfully say, “I got it” or “It’s on my list.” Not “I ALREADY KNEW THAT!”
• If someone has the habit of telling you what to do or being bossy, pull them aside and tell them how you’d like them to approach you. Don’t do this when you’re angry. Do it calmly. You can say, “I’d like it if you’d ask me if I can or would be willing to do something when you need it. I will almost always be able to help you, but I think we should consider each other and ask, not demand.” If the person in question has authority over you, like a boss, either decide to deal with it or get a different job, but don’t let it put a dent in your self-esteem.
• Engage in team efforts wherever you can until you get used to working collaboratively. Teamwork teaches patience, flexibility, and humility while allowing you to offer your best ideas and talents to a project.

Remember . . .

You always have a choice about how to respond when someone tells you what to do. The key is to get some emotional space between hearing and responding so you can respond with deliberation and thought rather than reacting automatically.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by YinYang, Courtesy of iStock Photo

One of my family members asked me recently if adults ever leave high school. I laughed because I knew what she was saying. She was lamenting that people still develop cliques at work, gossip about each other, and create unspoken rules you’re supposed to live up to if you want to fit in.

We’re social beings, and the need to fit in or belong is a biological imperative. In tribal days, if you didn’t acclimate to the rules of the tribe, you might not survive. Needs for food, protection, and shelter depended on your membership, participation, and acceptance of the ways of your tribe.

In some regard, we’re not all that different today. The difference is we have a lot more independence and choice in how we participate in the tribe, and we can fend for ourselves to a large degree as long as civilization remains steady in the background.

On a social level, however, we’re still quite tribal. And we have all sorts of tribes; family, friends, work groups, religious groups, political affiliations, and other interest groups. Because of that, we’re susceptible to a desire to fit in and have a need to belong.

One of the debates in psychology is about something called “personality consistency,” which is about how you show up in your various tribes. The question is,

Are you the same person across your group memberships? And if not, how do you change and to what extent when you participate in your different group settings?

The answer, according to research, is mixed. You change in some ways and don’t in others. Let’s go through which is which and under what circumstances you can alter yourself without sacrificing who you are.

Personality versus Authentic Self

Let’s start with defining these two aspects of ourselves.

Personality

Psychology defines personality as “a characteristic way of thinking, feeling, and behaving.” It’s concerned more with traits. But really, it’s more than that. It includes your psychological traits and temperament styles.

For example, if you’ve ever taken the Myers-Briggs Personality Test or the Enneagram, you got a description of your personality traits and tendencies.

The Myers-Briggs focuses on traits like introversion versus extroversion, thinking versus feeling, big picture versus detail orientation, and judging versus perceiving.

The Enneagram places you into personality typologies like helper, achiever, loyalist, challenger, perfectionist, peacemaker, etc.

These personality descriptions paint a picture of how you present yourself and the roles you favor that show up in your thinking, feeling, and behavior patterns. They’re part of how someone who knows you might describe you.

Authentic Self

Authenticity (or your authentic self) reflects your values and the principles you live by.

Authenticity extends beyond personality traits. It provides meaning in your life and spells out the guidelines for what you will and won’t do and the yardstick for evaluating your behavior.

So how does all this affect how you present yourself in different settings? In other words, how strictly do you present the same person in each situation?

Tribal Roles

Sometimes people worry that they present themselves differently in different settings. However, it’s natural to do that. Think of it this way:

There’s you at home, at work, with your best friends, in new situations, at the gym, and so on.

You have different roles in your life, and how you present yourself in each one alters according to the expectations of the part you’re playing. It makes sense.

You may present your professional self at work and focus more on your competencies and problem-solving skills in fulfilling your job requirements. Your basic personality is intact, but you may not reveal personal parts of yourself that aren’t relevant to your job role.

You reveal the more vulnerable parts of yourself at home to your partner and family.

At a conference where you’re meeting new people, you again will present parts of yourself, but likely a more narrowed presentation because you’re with people you’re meeting for the first time.

The general rule is that you reveal more when the level of trust is higher and the nature of the relationship is deeper. That’s natural and wise.

To summarize, the three elements that will, in most cases, determine how you present yourself in various situations are:

1. Depth and nature of your relationships in the particular setting
2. Requirements of the role you’re fulfilling
3. Your personality traits (e.g., an introvert will be quieter in a new environment than an extrovert).

This means that it’s normal and necessary to present different aspects of your personality in various settings.

However, a consistent sense of self should run through all those presentations. Here’s where authenticity comes in.

Your Authentic Self

Authenticity comes from the inside, and when it’s clear, it’s expressed easily and automatically when interacting with others.

Here are the two main characteristics of the authentic self.

1. You have a consistent set of values that filter through your thinking, emotions, and behavioral choices.

For example, if one of your values is to be kind, you’ll refrain from gossiping at the office because you’ll see it as unkind and rubbing up against your principles.

Although you might wish to fit in with your colleagues, your values will sometimes put you at odds with behavior you disapprove of, and you’ll stand outside the group in those instances.

2. Your values appear in every setting, regardless of your role.

People will come to know you and see you as having reliable principles and behavior they can count on, regardless of the setting. Your values will guide you at work, at home, with your friends, and in public. If three people were to describe you, they would essentially agree on who you are and what you stand for.

Authenticity promotes trust and positive connections.

Research studies have shown that authenticity, not personality, is the factor that creates trust between co-workers and positively impacts job performance. Conversely, inauthentic people aren’t seen as trustworthy, and work performance suffers accordingly. This is especially true when the leader is inauthentic.

So you could have a very gregarious, likable boss. But if he shifted his values depending on who he was dealing with or said one thing to his employees and another to his higher-ups, you wouldn’t trust him, no matter how appealing his personality was.

Authenticity trumps personality, especially the longer you know someone or have dealings with them.

Changes Over Time

The other issue with personality consistency is that it’s a bit of a myth. You change over time as you go through developmental phases and growth. Maturity results in letting go of some personality characteristics and adding in others. Your personality traits will still be basically the same, but the presentation may change.

For example, introverts may become more comfortable in new settings as they age and become more extroverted. Thinkers may acquire a greater appreciation for emotional expression, and an individualist may come to appreciate interdependence.

More importantly, authenticity sharpens over time and deepens as your values benefit from experience and wisdom.

What’s important is to be faithful to who you are right now and consistently maintain your values. Conformity is valuable in dealing with the expectations of your tribe, but not at the expense of your deeply held values. Sometimes fitting in is the wrong choice. Stay true to your authentic self.

That’s all for today.

Have a great weekend!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

_{Kim, T., David, E. M., Chen, T. & Liang, Y. (2022, January). Authenticity of self-enhancement? Effects of self-presentation and authentic leadership on trust and performance. Journal of Management, 1-30. https://doi.org/10.1177/01492063211063807}

_{McLeod, S. (updated 2016). What is conformity? Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/conformity.html}

_{Middleton, C., Fireman, G., & DiBello, R. (1993). Consistency and Chaos in Personality. In: Stam, H.J., Mos, L.P., Thorngate, W., & Kaplan, B. (eds). Recent Trends in Theoretical Psychology, 275-281. Recent Research in Psychology. Springer, New York, NY. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-1-4612-2746-5_25}

_{Sutton, A. (2018, May). Distinguishing between authenticity and personality consistency in predicting well-being: A mixed method approach. European Review of Applied Psychology 68(3), 117-130. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.erap.2018.06.001}

_{Wood, A. M., Linley, P. A., Maltby, J., Baliousis, M. & Joseph, S. (2008, July). The authentic personality: A theoretical and empirical conceptualization and the development of the authenticity scale. Journal of Counseling Psychology 55(3), 385-399. https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2F0022-0167.55.3.385}

Photo by fizkes, Courtesy of iStock Photos

How many times have you been involved in a conversation and quietly said to yourself, “Get out now!”

We live in an age where adversarial communication and black and white thinking reign. Worse, we have social media to encourage and keep that trend on display for our continuous consumption.

You have to decide daily what conversations to engage in and how to do it. This is particularly true when it comes to those involving your relationships and the people in your life with whom you have regular contact, whether at home or work.

What it gets down to when considering whether to opt out of a conversation is the level of receptivity both you and the other person involved have to talk about the subject at hand. And this is where you can have a lot of impact, both negatively and positively.

Today, I’m talking about how you can increase your receptivity in a contentious conversation and simultaneously increase the other person’s receptivity. It’s an essential skill not only because it improves relationships in general but goes a long way in resolving conflicts.

Let’s dive in.

What is “conversational receptiveness”?

“Conversational receptiveness” is a term coined by researchers who studied receptivity during discussions where the two parties had opposing views. The researchers used probably the most contentious subject for study – politics! Brave souls, aren’t they?

The results were that using several specific strategies at the outset of the conversation increased receptivity on both sides.

These findings are interesting to me because the techniques that worked best have been used for decades in psychotherapy. It’s good to have them validated.

The researchers identified four strategies that, when used properly, increase receptivity.

If the listener used these strategies, the speaker – even if dogmatically attached to their point of view – loosened up some and became more receptive to an opposing point of view.

This means that, at the very least, two people can disagree and still maintain good feelings and positive regard for each other.

That’s pretty huge, don’t you think?

It certainly is when you think of arguments with the people you love and care about and the emotional toll serious disputes can take on your relationships.

Let’s go through the four strategies.

1. Acknowledge understanding.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “Listen to understand, not to respond.” The idea here is to put everything else aside and focus on understanding what the speaker is saying and feeling. I would go one further and say you want to know what is meant and intended. What does the speaker want you to know, and why is it important to him?

You do this by making statements like “I see what you mean when you say . . .” or “I think what you’re saying is . . .” or “I get it – you’re saying . . .”. These kinds of statements are highly receptive, yet don’t hold you to agreeing to anything you’re hearing.

That’s a key concept to remember when conversing.

Listening and understanding do not imply agreement. They indicate interest and validate that someone has the right to their ideas, beliefs, and values.

Now there are circumstances where you won’t want to do this, which we’ll get to later. For now, keep in mind that receptivity through understanding will create a connection meaning you and the speaker are on the same side rather than adversaries, even if you hold different views about something. That’s a big deal!

2. Find areas of agreement.

To boost the connection, find any areas of agreement you can verbalize. If you’re having an intense conversation with your partner and he says, “I’m tired of fighting over this issue,” you could say, “I totally agree with you. We need to find a solution we can both feel good about.”

Or here’s something broader. Maybe you’re talking to a friend about Covid vaccinations, and one of you is opposed, and one of you can’t believe anyone wouldn’t get a vaccination.

What you can agree on is that we all want this pandemic to end and go back to our regular lives. You could say,

“I think we both can agree that we’re tired of this pandemic and want it gone. We just have different views about how that might happen.”

Statements that find common ground reduce the friction in a conversation and create more acceptance of differences. And sometimes, they make room for more receptivity to considering the other person’s point of view.

3. Make positive statements.

Pick and choose your words when responding. Use words like “Yes!” or “Right!” Do this especially when you hear something you can agree on, or when showing that you understand what the other person is saying. Stay away from words like “shouldn’t” or “wrong” or characterizations of the speaker or their ideas as something negative.

When you hear something that seems outlandish, it’s easy to give a knee-jerk response like, “That’s totally nuts!” Obviously, those kinds of statements or word usage will get you in trouble and close down any hope of receptivity on the other person’s part. So watch your word choice.

4. Hedge to soften your claims.

Instead of saying, “I absolutely disagree with you!” you could say, “Another approach might be . . .” or “A different way of looking at this is . . .”

You might not like this one because it doesn’t sound confident and also feels wishy-washy. However, this approach has been tested in studies and positively impacts even the most contentious conversations. It shows humility, which creates an air of openness and space in the conversation. So maybe it’s worth trying, yes?

When you dogmatically state your views, you’re drawing a line in the sand, and the only response to that is to defend and become riled.

When should you cut your losses and opt out?

Several situations might fit into this category.

Conversations you don’t need to pursue.

These conversations are optional, like political disputes on social media. They’re often nothing more than an opportunity for people to spew their stored-up anger and to say the most negative, heinous things they can think of to vent it. There’s no point in engaging in these conversations. They don’t fit the definition of actual interchange and may as well be monologues.

That isn’t to say that you can’t have a receptive interchange on social media, but pick and choose.

The subject matter offends your sense of morality.

Suppose someone wants to convince you that child pornography should be legal or that we should reinstitute the guillotine or public hangings. In that case, you may feel so morally offended that you have no interest in pursuing a conversation.

Receptivity is a valuable strategy to close the gap between different points of view. However, we have a limit as to what crosses the line. You know your limits and have every right to them.

The Conclusion

The conclusion today is that learning to be more receptive, especially when there are strong disagreements, can do four things:

1. Bridge gaps in understanding
2. Aid in finding solutions to challenging problems
3. Maintain civility and respect
4. Protect our dearest relationships

And remember, you don’t have to agree or change your view if the evidence presented by someone seems faulty. Still, you can show interest and respect for someone who thinks differently and foster better relationships simultaneously.

The bottom line is that receptivity on one side increases receptivity on the other. So be a receptive listener to have better conversations and help resolve conflicts.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

_{Beasley, B. Get better at disagreement with this four-step “receptiveness recipe.” Notre Dame Deloitte Center for Ethical Leadership. https://ethicalleadership.nd.edu/news/use-this-receptiveness-recipe-to-improve-your-next-disagreement/}

_{Iftikhar. S. W. (2020, December 6). Conversational receptiveness. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/conversational-receptiveness-syed-wajahat-iftikhar/?trk=public_profile_article_view}

_{Minson, J. A, Chen, F. S., & Tinsley, C. H. (2018) Why Won’t You Listen to Me: Measuring Receptiveness to Opposing Views. Harvard Kennedy School Faculty Research Working Paper Series RWP 18-028. Available at https://www.hks.harvard.edu/research-insights/publications?f%5B0%5D=publication_types%3A121}

_{PON Staff (2021, February 28). Ask a negotiation expert: How conversational receptiveness might bridge our divide. Program on Negational at Harvard Law School. https://www.pon.harvard.edu/daily/negotiation-skills-daily/ask-a-negotiation-expert-how-conversational-receptiveness-might-bridge-our-divide-nb/}

_{Yeomans, M., Minson, J., Collins, H., Chen, F., & Gino, F. (September 2020). Conversational receptiveness: Improving engagement with opposing views. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 160, 131-148. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.obhdp.2020.03.011}