Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Do you find yourself in charge of things most of the time? You’re the planner, the manager, the organizer, and the one who has to think about it all and make it happen. If so, no problem if you’re happy about it.

But . . . if you find yourself resenting being in this role, or angry that no one else pitches in, and if you feel taken advantage of, unappreciated, or exploited, then that’s another thing altogether isn’t it?

So what’s the solution?

Let’s look at the positives and negatives, and the solution will become obvious.

Here’s the positives.

• You’re a natural manager who can plan, organize and execute.
• You know how to prioritize.
• You’re super efficient.
• You’re a master multi-tasker. You’re used to spinning several plates in the air at the same time.
• You can see the big picture and also attend to the details.
• You’re the leader. Everyone turns to you to get it done.
• You like to help. It’s your natural tendency to solve problems and meet other people’s needs when they ask you to, and even when they don’t ask.
• You might be a “Helper” on the Enneagram.

Here’s the negatives.

• It’s hard for you delegate. You can do it faster than the time it would take to teach or supervise someone else.
• You like things done right, and it’s very hard to watch something being done differently than the way you would do it, or done less than perfectly.
• You aren’t in the habit of asking for what you need. It makes you feel guilty.
• It’s very difficult for you set boundaries. You’re not sure where those boundaries should be, and even if you are, you feel uncomfortable enforcing them.
• You don’t like to disappoint people, especially those close to you.
• You get some secondary gain (self-worth) from being the person who can do it all. It makes you feel good, even as you resent being taken advantage of.
• You operate under the belief that if you don’t do it, it won’t get done.

So back to the original question, “Why am I in charge of everything?”

The short answer is because you allow it.

That doesn’t mean you wish for it or like it, but those negatives I just listed keep you from asserting what you need, and requiring others to do their part.

You don’t feel like you should, and if you do, somehow it makes you a bad person, or a selfish person.

The key to correcting this problem is to change your view of yourself. You’re likely very talented, reliable, and probably have super managerial and planning skills.

But, you also have a right to say no when you’re exploited or taken advantage of. And, when you require everyone else to do their part, you’re actually being more helpful because you’re affirming that all of us have the responsibility and capacity to contribute, especially when we reap the benefits of the work that gets done. This is a normal expectation!

You don’t want to be the leader with no authority. That’s like being the oldest child who has a ton of adult responsibilities, but without the authority to make decisions.

This is a big subject, so I just touched on it today. If you’d like to read more about setting boundaries (which I think you should if you struggle with this problem), read my longer article which you can access here.

Have a great week and I’ll send you a new blog next Monday!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

“Your mind is your private world, and you’re the gatekeeper.”

You have within yourself a private place that belongs to you. You can invite someone in, but only if you wish to. You’re the gatekeeper of this space, and no one can trespass without permission.

That space is your mind, which includes your thoughts and feelings.

You may choose to share these with those you deem worthy of hearing them, but the point is, you can sort through them yourself and decide what you want to expose.

But what about others’ influence?

Because we’re wired to be social, we’re likely to be influenced by those around us. Other people’s thoughts, emotions, values, beliefs, opinions, and behavior can affect us and have an impact on what we think and how we feel.

We’re a tribal species, and although we see ourselves as individuals, we seek membership in our tribes. This might include our families, friends, co-workers, or community, or it might include ideas or beliefs such as our religious tribe or political tribe.

What’s crucial about remembering that we have our own minds is that we can and should use this important freedom to sift through the daily, weekly, monthly, and historical input that constantly seeks to find a home there.

You have ownership of what you choose to think, feel, believe, and internalize. No one else.

But, and this is a big but:

If you don’t use that freedom by taking charge of your mind, you lose it. You become a slave to what others in your personal sphere think and feel.

To avoid losing that freedom, you must be in the habit of evaluating what you hear, and truly deciding what you think. It might be that you need more information, or you need time to think something through.

What’s important is that your thoughts and feelings echo and reflect your real ideas and values. Don’t automatically assume or accept.

A new study reports that we have around 6,200 thoughts per day.

They come in and go out, and at such a rapid speed that you probably have no awareness of many of them, but those that are persistent or repetitive try to find a home in your mind. Those are the ones you can evaluate. Those are the ones you can question and decide if you’d like them to stay. Those are the ones you can build on or discard.

Ask yourself:

Am I parroting my tribe? Do I really agree? Is this a belief or value that I have? Is this an idea that resonates with me?

To do this, you have to allow your thoughts and feelings to come up without suppressing them. You can’t hide out. You need to see what’s there.

Here’s some things to help you with that.

1. Don’t censor, but choose how to react. You have no control over the thoughts and feelings that arise in you. What you do have control over is what you do with them, and you can decide whether they add to your life, or provide value for you. You can keep them, or discard them, or learn from them.​​
2. No one can control your mind if you don’t allow it. Just because someone says something is true doesn’t make it so, regardless of how loud they shout it or how often they say it. Remember that! You always have the ability to question, evaluate, research and decide for yourself what’s true for you. No one else can or should do that. However, keep in mind that the more you’re around someone, the more they will affect what you think, how you behave, and what you believe. So choose carefully.
3. Pursue continuous learning to help you keep your mind open. Access new information and ideas that expand your thinking and enhance your creativity. Challenge yourself. Make your mind a fertile garden for growth.

So take some time this week to commune with yourself. As you go through your week, watch the thought trains that occupy your mind. Ask yourself where they come from.

Are they your thoughts, someone else’s thoughts, or a combo? Do they have value? Are they true? Are they distorted? What can you learn from them? What do you want to keep and what do you want to discard? What do you want to modify?

As Voltaire says, “Dare to think for yourself.” It’s one of your greatest freedoms. Exercise it!

That’s it for now. Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Today’s blog short is something you can use to counteract criticizing and judging others, while also channeling that impulse toward improving your self-awareness.

It’s human nature to observe others and make judgments. We all do it.

The tendency naturally arises because we’re wired to scan the environment for danger, and part of that is to observe with a discriminating and discerning eye what’s out there that might harm us. In that sense, it’s a natural defense mechanism, and a necessary one.

While it’s good to be cognizant of others’ behaviors and motivations, getting focused on them with lots of criticism and judgment usually goes beyond normal observation and information gathering.

In this case, our natural impulse to observe others has morphed into a different kind of defense mechanism which is guarding our own egos by diverting our attention toward someone else’s stuff.

By focusing on someone else’s stuff with a critical eye, we can avoid working on our own stuff, and in some cases, deny our stuff altogether. That’s a bigger danger!

Here’s what you can do about it.

Try this:

The next time you find yourself having one of those mental conversations listing someone else’s negative habits or behavior or personal characteristics, stop and ask yourself these three questions:

1. Is the thing I’m criticizing something I do myself? Don’t answer quickly. Really give it some thought. More often than not, it is. Not always, but quite likely. It may be that there’s an element of it that belongs to you, if not all of it.
2. Is there something I need to do to help the person I’m criticizing? For example, if you’re ruminating about a boss or co-worker or a friend, is there something you can do about the problem to resolve it? If not, or if it’s not a problem that greatly affects you, let it go and move on.
3. Here’s the last question, and the most important one: What do I have in my own closet that I need to be working on? We all have stuff of our own to work on, and that will go on until we’re gone. You’re a work in progress. Spend more time working on your own stuff than on somebody else’s, and you’ll be better for it. Not only that, by becoming more evolved, more competent, more self-aware, and more compassionate, you’ll be helping everyone.

Make this a habit. Every time you find yourself ruminating about what’s wrong with someone else, ask yourself the three questions. Then actively work on you.

Start this today, because I’ll bet you’ve had at least one critical thought about someone today.

If you’d like to read more on this subject, I’ve written a longer article called Clean Out Your Own Closet. You can find it by clicking here.

See you next week!

Barbara

Photo by AntonioGuillem, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Let me start by telling you that I’m a huge procrastinator!

I’ve analyzed this problem to death, read everything I can get my hands on about it, tried this, tried that, beat myself up over it, and even after all that, it persists!

As a sidebar, I’m impressed with all the ways I’ve figured out how to procrastinate. If you could win an award for that, I’d be right up there at the top. I’ve got that down. Yay!

So, back to the problem. I’m happy to report that I’ve figured out something that works. Not every time, mind you, but at least 90% of the time, which is a VAST IMPROVEMENT!!!!

In a nutshell, it’s a technique to bypass the mind. What I realized is that thinking about what you have to do is what’s in the way.

Here’s what I mean.

The Excuses

When you need to do something, procrastination sneaks in as soon as you allow yourself to think about whether you want to do it or not.

There are all kinds of ways this thought process gets going. Here are some of my favorites:

• That will take too much time, and I don’t have it right now.
• It’s so hard! I don’t have the energy for that.
• I’m just not in the mood, and I don’t think I can drag myself to do it.
• There’s other stuff I have to get done before I tackle this.
• I can put it off for a few days. No worries.
• I’d better check my email first to make sure there’s nothing I need to attend to.
• I know, I’ll give myself 15 minutes to relax, and then I’ll get going.
• I’ll just put it on my list so I won’t forget to do it later.

We could keep going, but let’s get to the real problem, and it’s this:

Underneath all those thoughts about why you can’t do what you need to do is the original thought, which is, “I don’t want to do that!” That’s the whole thing. For whatever reason you come up with, it still boils down to . . .

I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT!!

The Solution

I’ve found that the best way to get around procrastinating is to interrupt the thought process before that first thought takes hold.

Your mind is very tricky and loves to get the upper hand, but you can stop that. It’s like the unruly child who tries every which way to argue his way out of something.

You have to be firm and not even entertain the arguments.

What I do instead is say this to myself:

NO THINKING! JUST DO IT NOW!

Ah, that sounds great, but that won’t work, right? Well, actually it does if you keep doing it.

I started this with little things that aren’t a big deal. For example, I went to the grocery store, which is close to the dry cleaners, where I have clothes to pick up. I wanted to go straight home after grocery shopping because I was hungry and wanted to get a snack and relax, but instead, I just started driving to the dry cleaners without thinking about whether I wanted to do it or not, and I got there and parked and got out of my car. I got my clothes and went home.

The turning point was when I pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car because, at that point, I’d gotten past my resistance and knew I was going to finish what I’d started. The hard part was driving toward the dry cleaners instead of going straight home.

There was this sneaky thought trying to get through:

“You can do that tomorrow. Go home right now and get something to eat.”

I drowned that voice out by driving in the right direction, even as my mind tried to take over.

I wouldn’t allow myself to entertain the thought of whether or not I wanted to do it. Of course I didn’t want to do it, but that doesn’t matter.

You can’t let that be a factor.

Make It a Habit

After the dry cleaner experiment, I started applying this technique to bigger things. I got to the point where I could say to myself, “In 10 minutes, you’ll start writing, and you’ll write for 30 minutes.” I would do it, even if what I wrote could have been better and even though I didn’t want to.

Now, I’ve gotten used to following my commands about what I’m going to do.

I never allow myself to think about whether I want to do it or not. And, because I’ve gotten used to this, my resistance has lowered significantly.

It’s become a habit. This is the key. My brain is making new neuron paths that are making things easier. Now it’s automatic, and I can actually laugh at that voice that’s complaining.

Sometimes, I reward myself when I’m done with whatever it was I set out to do. Isn’t that how you train your dog? Good girl!

Best of all, that voice that says, “I don’t want to do that!” has weakened and is barely audible.

Practice mutes that voice and keeps it under your control.

I do best when I don’t even allow that voice to speak, which means I substitute a thought that counteracts it, such as “I’m doing it; it only takes 10 minutes, and then I’m free to do what I want.”

Sometimes I simply shout “GO!” and I start.

Try this out. It’s a lot simpler than trying to analyze why you procrastinate. That’s a side path that usually makes it worse because that activity is a way to procrastinate in and of itself.

Don’t be fooled. Action is the only tool that works!

Now it’s your turn. GO!

See you next week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

We’re moving into the holiday season which can be lots of fun, but it can also get pretty stressful as we add more things to our to-do lists.

A great way to reduce that stress is to practice focusing on one thing at a time.

I know it’s not always possible, but based on the way the brain actually works, we can’t focus on two things at once. We simply shift our attention back and forth from one thing to the other, and that shifting action takes both energy and time as we disengage and then reengage. This dilutes our focus and extends the time it takes to get something done.

Multi-tasking also reduces our effectiveness so that we don’t do things as well as we could if we focused on just one thing.

Do This

Practice making a conscious effort to focus your attention on everything you do during the day in a single-minded way. If you’re making coffee, just focus on that. If you have a list of things to do in the morning before leaving the house, focus on each one individually while you’re doing it. Get deliberate about it.

The tendency is to run your list through your head at the same time you’re doing something on that list. This creates mental static.

When your mind is stirred up by multiple things at the same time, you create overload.

Your body tenses, blood pressure rises, breathing can quicken, muscles tighten, and emotionally you feel overwhelmed.

Try instead to keep your mind focused only on the task you’re doing, and then go to the next one with the same focus. You won’t get less done, you’ll get more done and be less stressed doing it.

It is helpful to write out your list so you can be assured you won’t forget anything. Write it and then forget it until you need to look again.

About Noise

It’s also helpful to reduce noise. If you like the TV on in the background, fine, but if you have it very loud and you’re listening to it while doing other things, you’re actually dividing your attention and upping your stress.

You can do simple things like fold laundry and watch TV at the same time without problems, but with more complex activities, the noise can be taxing.

Music may be easier and some people do really enjoy having music on in the background, or use music for certain tasks such as housecleaning which actually makes it more fun!

That’s fine, but the idea is to carefully assess whether the noise you have going on while you’re doing things is a distraction that creates stress or not. If it is, ditch it.

I’ve found that classical music in the background makes my cooking enjoyable, but if the volume is just a little too loud, it becomes a stressor instead of an enhancer. There’s a sweet spot. You have to find that.

At the same time, any music or TV on while I’m writing is a no-no. Brain work does not go well with background noise.

Try today to consciously focus on what you’re doing all day long, one thing at a time, and see for yourself whether you feel less stressed. True focus is calming, and you’ll be more efficient and effective which is a bonus!

If you want to read more on this subject, I’d suggest The One Thing by Gary W. Keller and Jay Papasan. It’s a wonderful book!

See you next week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

Today’s subject is something called manic defense. It was originally spelled as manic “defence” when first written about by Melanie Klein, but for our purposes I’ll stick with the newer spelling as the meaning is the same.

Manic defense is “the tendency, when presented with uncomfortable thoughts or feelings, to distract the conscious mind either with a flurry of activity or with the opposite thoughts and feelings.” 

This definition comes from Neel Burton, a psychiatrist who wrote the book Hide and Seek.

I like this definition because it describes two components that I think lie at the heart of manic defense which are:

1. Continuous compulsive activity, and
2. Thought manipulation

Both are used as a means to avoid unwanted thoughts and feelings. They can occur separately or concurrently.

An example is the woman who works all the time, ticking things off her list, and making more lists to keep going. She doesn’t do it because it makes her happy, but rather because it keeps her from feeling uncomfortable. It’s used as a means of warding off feelings of helplessness, depression, sadness, emptiness, or despair.

How about the person who has events scheduled for every day and night of the week. Again, activity is a cover for being alone with oneself and avoiding uncomfortable feelings.

I’ve sometimes seen parents encourage their children to participate in this sort of manic activity. These are the kids that are playing sports, going to dance lessons, participating in social events, attending birthday parties every weekend, and trying to handle school and homework at the same time. These parents are projecting their need for manic defense onto their kids and teaching them to do the same.

The bottom line is that a person who pursues manic defenses is not happy.

He’s not able to be reflective or self-aware because that brings on feelings that he wishes to avoid. There’s an underlying fear that if the activity stops, depression or emptiness may take up residence and possibly plunge him into despair.

The truth is that the fear is greater than the feelings feared. 

Once someone stops the manic treadmill and allows herself to feel the discomfort, she can begin to work on making peace with herself by examining who she is, what’s happening in her life that needs change, and giving her mind some free rein to be reflective.

By turning toward the problem instead of away from it, long-term issues can be worked on and resolved, and she can step back into herself and feel good about who and where she is, or know where she needs to go. Sometimes therapy is helpful and even necessary during this process.

How do I know if I have manic defenses?

Let’s make a distinction between manic defenses and activity that needs to be done. Some of us have an ongoing list of things that must be done. If you wear many hats such as spouse, parent, worker, friend, etc., your life probably does feel like a list much of the time.

The difference between needing to get things done and manic defenses has to do with the purpose behind the activity.

With manic defenses there’s an avoidance of communing with oneself, and often an avoidance of intimacy with others.

On the other hand, when the activity is required and maybe even engaged in with pleasure (not always of course), we may still feel good about ticking things off our list.

The difference is we also enjoy relaxation, self-reflection, and quiet time with ourselves. The activity is useful, necessary and enjoyable, but not defensive.

When we aren’t using manic defenses, we make choices that keep a balance as much as possible between activity and self-reflection. We check in with ourselves daily to see where we’re at and how we’re feeling. We enjoy intimacy with those we love.

Try this:

So here’s a little test to try if you think you might be engaged in manic defenses. It’s not a definitive test, but it will at least give you an idea about whether or not you use activity to avoid your thoughts and emotions.

Set aside an hour, or if not an hour, at least 30 minutes during the next week when you can be alone. Sit quietly without any kind of external stimulation.That means no media, list-making, tech devices, phone calls, or activity of any kind. Just sit for that 30 minutes – or you can lie down if you like – and let your mind wander.

Can you do it?

What kinds of feelings come up?

Are you anxious?

Do you enjoy thinking and communing with yourself or do you find it quite uncomfortable?

When I was a kid, a favorite thing to do was to lie down in the summer grass and watch the clouds move across the sky. I could do that for hours, and enjoy the sounds of nature, the smells of the grass and flowers, and just let my mind drift and my imagination run free.

We lose that as we become adults, but we need more of it as adults than we did when we were kids, because we have so much more responsibility and greater awareness of our emotional states.

Try it out, even if you think you don’t have manic defenses. If it’s uncomfortable and you have thoughts and feelings that are of concern to you, or disturbing, consider therapy to work out what’s bothering you, or talk over your thoughts with someone you trust and are close to.

Ultimately, the goal is to enjoy being in touch with yourself and engaging in self-reflection.

Happy Monday! See you next week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

When you pursue a goal or try to achieve something, your success is dependent to a large degree on your inner coach. Your inner coach is the voice that orchestrates and facilitates what happens. That voice either encourages, inspires, and activates you, or it derails and discourages you, and brings you to a halt.

Although your success will depend to some degree on your process, it’s your inner coach that makes or breaks you, and often, you’re not even aware of what your inner coach is telling you or how it affects your trajectory.

Let’s review the effective inner coach versus the ineffective inner coach, and then it’s up to you to see where yours fits in, and make changes depending on what you find.

It’s always fun to start with the ineffective inner coach because most of us are quite familiar with this guy. Here’s what he’s like:

1. He’s all about outcomes. The end goal is what’s important. It’s like football. You either score a touchdown or you don’t and there’s no in between. If you score, you’re a roaring success and if you don’t, you’re a dismal failure. It’s an all-or-nothing proposition.
2. He doesn’t pay much attention to process. He doesn’t build skills, break things down in small components, take pleasure in small successes along the way, or feel good about incremental changes and improvements. He’s always focused on the end result and he exerts a lot of pressure to get there fast. Very fast!
3. He maintains accountability through fear. He’s the coach on the sideline that appears to be frothing at the mouth while he’s in his player’s face screaming and yelling. He denigrates, demeans, personalizes, insults, criticizes, and intimidates. Sometimes he’s downright scary!

On the flip side, sometimes this inner coach is very permissive and doesn’t hold anyone accountable, including himself. He lets his players slide both on and off the field.

Sometimes he vacillates back and forth. One minute he’s overbearing, intimidating, hostile and critical, and the next he’s permissive, neglectful and not invested.

Now let’s look at our effective inner coach.

1. This guy has the growth mindset. He works toward outcomes, but he’s more focused on growth and improvement. He values effort, meeting challenges and overcoming obstacles, evaluation and learning, and determination. Work ethic is more important than performance.
2. He focuses on process and building systems for success. He’s concerned about the method to achieve a goal more than the achievement itself. He focuses on creating a system to accomplish small, doable tasks that lead to the larger goal. His focus is on strategies, scheduling, skill-building, discipline, and learning. He sees success as an outcome of adhering to systematic activity and consistent practice.
3. He keeps his players accountable through support and firmness at the same time. He loves his players, values them, knows their talents and weaknesses and knows how to exploit the talents while working on the weaknesses. He’s firm, doesn’t allow inattentiveness, procrastination, or avoidance, but keeps his players accountable through encouragement and respect. He cheers them on, empathizes with them, and seeks to understand them and help them succeed.
4. He never insults or makes personal attacks. His criticism is constructive and instructive, and is meant to help make improvements. He has the right balance between encouragement and setting limits. He doesn’t operate out of unbridled emotions or anger, but he also isn’t permissiveness.

If your inner coach is more like the first one, try these changes:

• Use self-talk that appreciates, values, and is kind. Be your own cheerleader, just as you would with someone you were coaching. Have faith that you can reach the goals you are pursuing.
• Be accountable to yourself also. Be firm without devaluation.
• Phrases to avoid are:

• • I don’t deserve to succeed.
  • I suck at this.
  • I’m not good enough and I never will be.
  • I don’t know how to do anything right.
  • No one else has faith in me, so why should I.
  • It’s too hard. What was I thinking?
  • I’ve never had good models, so no wonder.

• Take pleasure in every small step you take, and build on it. Use words of encouragement.
• Measure progress by improvements and making small changes.
• When you fall off the horse, get right back on. Stay determined, but allow for setbacks.
• Use mistakes as learning experiences rather than failures. Affirm that:

• • You can handle challenges
  • Mistakes are unavoidable and actually help you succeed in the long run
  • You are valuable and deserve every opportunity available to you
  • You are a work in progress
  • You deserve respect from others as well as from yourself
  • Obstacles are just that. Things to work around. Challenges are normal and necessary.
  • What you don’t know, you can learn.
  • Help is available. Ask!

The bottom line is that a harsh, unforgiving inner coach will impede and maybe even sabotage your success. This voice also eats up a lot of emotional energy that drains you, saps your resolve, and makes you want to give up or give in.

In some cases, hanging on to the bad inner coach is a defense against meeting expectations and succeeding. If you beat yourself up enough, then you can feel vindicated in not succeeding. After all, you can just say to yourself, “I’m a screw up,” and be done with it.

I’d prefer Stuart Smalley’s inner voice which says:

“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”

If you’ve never heard of Stuart Smalley, look him up on YouTube and enjoy a clip from an old Saturday Night Live. The episode with Michael Jordan was the best and the funniest. Here’s the link if you wanna watch.

That’s it for this week! Have a great week, and keep that inner voice in check.

All my best,

Barbara