Blog Short #34: The Value of Self-Compassion

How many of you were raised with the sentiment, “Pull yourself up by the bootstraps!”?

It usually makes an appearance when you’ve made a mistake, and you’re resisting fixing it, or there’s some issue you aren’t facing up to.

This phrase is a metaphor for the American value of being tough-minded, thick-skinned, and industrious. It goes along with our can-do mindset.

There’s something good about it in that it’s meant to move us past our fears and regrets and keep going. The problem arises when it’s accompanied by the litany of self-criticism that usually follows.

The statement implies that we’re self-indulgent and give into weakness, or worse, laziness. It can feel more like you’re being told, “Don’t be a sissy!” If we can beat ourselves up enough, we might eliminate the guilt and stigma of not being tough enough.

This is where the idea of self-compassion comes in, which is today’s subject.

Self-Compassion versus Self-Criticism

Self-compassion is a practice that confirms your worth and allows you to acknowledge and work through your suffering while also helping you take responsibility for yourself.

In other words, it’s an alternative way to pull yourself up and deal with things without self-destruction.

Whereas self-criticism – especially harsh and unforgiving criticism – tries to beat you into submission, self-compassion soothes, validates, and prepares you to face your mistakes and failures.

Self-criticism and self-judgment:

• Doesn’t make you better. You can’t beat yourself into being a “better person.”
• Doesn’t help you own up to things or be truthful with yourself about your failings because you want to avoid the self-hatred and judgment that follows.

Self-compassion allows us to:

• Accept your mistakes, failings, and disappointments in yourself.
• Accurately observe your frailties, own them, and make improvements.
• Treat both yourself and others with compassion and understanding.
• Soothe your suffering, even when you’re at fault.
• Set boundaries when needed without being cruel or unkind.

Practicing self-compassion helps you be more responsible for yourself while maintaining your worth and sense of self.

In her book Self-Compassion, Dr. Kristin Neff outlines three core components of self-compassion, but today I’m going to review only two of them. They are:

1. Self-Kindness
2. Common Humanity

Let’s go through them, and that will help you get a better understanding of exactly what self-compassion is and how you might apply it for yourself.

#1 Self-Kindness

Maybe the best way to understand this one is to conjure up the image of a “good” mother.

What would the characteristics be?

The first idea that comes to mind is that she would give you unconditional love, which means that no matter what you did, she would still love you, even if she disapproved of your behavior.

She would let you know when you’re blurring the lines and going off in the wrong direction, and she would pull you back. But she would do it gently, even when acting with firmness.

If you made mistakes, she would soothe you and acknowledge your suffering, while also helping you figure out how to make reparations or change your behavior.

She would be on your side. She would support you. You would be able to tell her anything, and you would trust her.

Self-kindness is giving this kind of love to yourself.

Instead of beating yourself up when you fall, you would:

• Speak to yourself with kind, gentle words.
• Sympathize with your pain.
• Soothe your suffering, even if you caused it.
• Stay connected to yourself.
• Embrace your power to accept your mistakes and make repairs or change directions.

Self-kindness means treating yourself with love and compassion while also owning up to what’s been done and what needs to be done.

By approaching it this way, you’re much more likely to be honest with yourself and to pursue fixing what needs to be fixed.

Self-kindness also allows you to extend more kindness and understanding to others. If you’re highly critical of yourself, you’re likely the same with others. Likewise, if you’re kind to yourself, you extend that outward too.

Now let’s look at “common humanity.”

#2 Common Humanity

Self-criticism is isolating.

When you get hyper-focused on what’s wrong with you and add a big dose of judgment and self-flagellation to it, you find yourself in solitary confinement.

You’re separated from the rest of the world. You aren’t worthy, don’t fit in, and are cut off from love, acceptance, and belonging.

Self-compassion acknowledges the mistakes but recognizes that we’re all in the same boat.

It’s human to stumble along as we traverse the road of life.

Sometimes, it’s full steam ahead; other times, it’s boulders and obstacles along the path.

Sometimes we take side roads that go nowhere or temporarily dump us in a ditch.

The point is that we all suffer, do things we shouldn’t, and do things we should.

When you find yourself in a difficult place, remember that everyone else goes through pain and suffering, even those who look like they have the world at their fingertips.

Keeping this in mind helps and soothes you.

Focus on your commonality rather than seeing yourself as different.

Remember that everyone is doing and feeling the same things you are, even if the presentation isn’t exactly the same.

Feeling connected goes along with being kind and feeling empathy. It makes things less frightening, and keeps your heart open.

It allows you not to take yourself quite so seriously and encourages both humor and emotional resilience.

See yourself as part of the shared human experience.

Final Thoughts

Getting in the habit of treating yourself with self-compassion may seem difficult if you’re used to the “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” methodology, followed by the “not good enough” rant.

You can be firm with yourself while also being kind. They aren’t mutually exclusive, and combining them gets better results.

Make these two changes to activate your self-compassion:

1. Monitor your self-talk. Use gentle words, delete harsh criticisms, and treat yourself gently, even when you need to apply firmness. Acknowledge your suffering when it’s there, and don’t suppress it. Do this even when you’ve created the circumstances that have caused the suffering.​
2. Be your own best mother. Create an image in your mind of what that would look like, and use it to help you speak to yourself with kindly.

Give it a try, especially if you aren’t used to it. If you’d like to read more about how to do this, get Dr. Neffs’s book Self-Compassion and read it. It’s worth your time.

That’s all for today.

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara