Blog Short #277: When a Conversation Gets Sticky, Do These 3 Things
Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash
One of my pet peeves is getting pulled into provocative conversations with hidden agendas.
Someone says something to you that’s loaded with unspoken messages designed to provoke you, but never says directly what they really mean.
Sometimes people do this without being entirely aware of their motives. Two reasons this might happen:
- They aren’t aware of how they feel or how their words are coming across.
- They’re spewing undigested emotions, but in the process provoking you to express them so they don’t have to.
It’s a case of hot potato. I feel this, but I don’t want to, so I’ll pass it on to you, and you can feel it for me and express it too!
Young children do this all the time with their parents. They feel emotional discomfort, so they provoke their parents to express it for them. Unfortunately, adults do the same with each other. Someone’s angry, but instead of expressing it, they quietly incite you to lose it and start yelling at them.
There are three things you can do in these instances to slow things down, stop reacting, and encourage direct communication.
Let’s start with my favorite.
Use “the pause”.
I got this particular strategy from Jefferson Fisher, though I realized I already use it often. I just hadn’t put together in my mind why it was so helpful.
The way it works is this:
When someone says something that’s either provocative or confusing, don’t respond right away. Pause. Look the person in the eye and wait a minute.
Several things happen when you do this.
The other person feels a shift in momentum.
Their momentum is interrupted. They become more aware or self-conscious. If they’ve purposefully said something to provoke, criticize, or condescend, they’ll feel uncomfortable during that pause. And likely second-guess their words.
If they don’t have a negative motive but are simply confused or unclear about their thoughts or feelings, they still feel that pause, as if the other person is saying, “You want to rethink that and try again?”
You’re less emotionally reactive.
The second thing pausing does is give you time to settle your emotions so that when you do respond, you’re thoughtful and in full control of what you say.
When the other person is being provocative, Jefferson suggests you question their intent. You can say something like, “Is that what you really meant to say?”
A question like that deflates the provocation and forces the other person to say what they really mean rather than imply it. Sometimes they simply deny it, but the tone of the conversation changes. They’re less likely to do it again.
You’re holding them accountable.
You get a moment to gather your wits.
Third, pausing helps when you aren’t clear on how you want to respond. You can even ask for a moment before responding. Say up front that you need a few moments to gather your thoughts.
Fast conversations are fine if there are no hidden agendas or emotional stakes involved. But when either of those is part of the conversation, pauses are helpful and necessary to slow the pace and prevent the conversation from spinning out of control.
2. Listen more than you speak.
In general, listening more than you speak keeps the attention on the other person rather than on you.
This is especially helpful at the beginning of a conversation. By listening intently and asking questions to clarify what the other person is saying, you have a better understanding of what’s on the table before you step in.
Good conversations usually have a flow with both people getting equal time and talking with ease. Those conversations are enjoyable and gratifying. In those cases, you don’t have to be too cognizant of the process. It happens naturally.
But when the conversation is complicated, you need to be more aware and listen carefully to understand what’s happening. These are conversations where:
- Emotions are complex, indirectly expressed, misplaced, or running hot.
- One person is emotional dumping.
- A relationship issue or conflict is in play, and the stakes are high.
In all those instances, you have to tread carefully, deliberately, and slowly. To do that, listening is an aid.
Listen, ask clarifying questions, and listen some more. Especially ask directly about how the other person is feeling.
When you focus more on feelings than on the actual content of the conversation, you’ll lower the emotional temperature for both of you and help you connect, creating more space in the conversation.
For example, if someone says something provocative or accusatory, or simply off the wall, ask how they’re feeling at the moment.
“You seem upset. Are you? I’m interested. Tell me what you’re feeling right now.”
Questions like that reveal underlying feelings and bring hidden motives or concerns into the open, clearing up confusion.
Sometimes people just need an invitation to say what they’re afraid to say.
When you ask someone how they feel and listen with interest, you connect with them. They feel heard. Once that happens, emotions become more stable and direct.
Listening also allows you to steer the conversation so that it’s as productive as possible.
3. Be direct and specific.
This section is about making it easier for the other person to hear you without having to decode what you say.
The first step is being aware of your intent before you start talking. What do you want or need out of this conversation? Sometimes it helps to verbalize that up front.
Regardless of the subject matter, be direct. Say what you mean. Don’t hint or make the other person guess at it. No hidden messages or agendas.
One thing that helps with this is to use specifics. Instead of saying, “I’m upset,” say, “I felt dismissed when you changed the subject while I was explaining what happened.”
Specifics make it easier for the other person to understand what you’re saying and get a full picture. Specifics create images, narrations, and stories. And we all love stories!
Another useful practice is to own your thoughts and feelings. Use “I” messages. Instead of “My son put me in a bad mood this morning with his bickering,” say, “When my son started bickering this morning, I got in a bad mood myself.”
That might sound like semantics, but it makes a difference in the way it’s perceived by the person listening.
And finally, don’t turn the conversation into a monologue. This one speaks for itself.
No one likes someone who takes over the conversation and holds them hostage.
Pay attention to how someone’s reacting when you’re talking. If they’re fidgeting, looking around, or getting antsy, you’ve probably gone on longer than you should. Or maybe they’re pressed for time.
Make an apology. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to go on so long.” Or you can ask, “Am I holding you up?” Better, however, is to monitor yourself and not overtalk.
How to Use This
Start with the pause.
When a conversation begins to heat up, resist the urge to immediately defend or explain yourself. Slow it down and shift the focus back to the other person. Give yourself enough space to think instead of react.
Then listen. Investigate, ask questions, and find out what’s really being said. Focus on how the other person feels to get to the real issue.
And when it’s your turn to speak, make it easy for the other person. Be direct, open, and specific. Express and own your feelings and thoughts so they’re accurately heard.
Remember that the person who listens most is the person who steers the conversation.
Most people think that the talker has the most power in a conversation, but the opposite is true.
Keep in mind that the first step is always to slow the pace of the conversation. And fortunately, that’s something you can control.
That’s all for today.
Have a great two weeks!
All my best,
Barbara