Blog Short #273: Never Use This Against Someone You Love
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Ever been in an argument with someone you trust, and they pull out something you told them in a moment of vulnerability and use it against you?
Maybe a traumatic event you experienced, or an emotional weakness you struggle with.
Yet in the heat of an argument, they reach for it and use it like a weapon.
You’re stunned. You’re struck with utter betrayal by this person you trusted. You don’t even know how to respond.
They might feel sorry about it afterward, but once trust has been broken this way, it’s difficult to completely repair.
There are some simple strategies you can use to avoid this in your relationships. But first, we’ll talk about the consequences.
What gets destroyed?
Trust is the first thing to go.
A single incident might weaken your trust, but multiple events can erode trust and make you wary.
You pull back emotionally. Distance creeps in. Eventually, you begin editing yourself. You stop sharing the parts of you that matter.
Over time, the connection between you begins to fray.
If it happens once and the person owns up to the offense and apologizes sincerely, you’ll probably be able to get over it. Especially if you have a heartfelt discussion about why it happened. Generally, someone only does that when they’re angry and in defense mode. Not that it excuses it.
But when it’s done to hurt, attack, or demean you, there’s no defense that can make things right.
You want to avoid ever being the person who does this, as well as the one on the receiving end. Here are some rules to use that can keep it from happening.
Rules to Avoid
1. No Diagnosing
Diagnosing is a common way that people use someone’s revealed vulnerabilities against them.
For instance, let’s say you tell your husband that your mom was very critical of you and dismissive of your feelings. You could never please her.
Then one evening, you get into a dispute that blows up into a full-scale argument. He’s been nipping at you all day, and nothing you do seems right. He’s in a bad mood.
When you bring it to his attention, he blows up and blurts out that you’re too sensitive because your mom criticized you all the time and you’re taking it out on him. It’s your problem.
He knows this is a trigger for you, but he uses it against you to defend himself. It’s a betrayal of trust. The argument moves from a dispute to a crack in the relationship.
It’s very easy to get in the habit of diagnosing issues based on knowledge of someone’s history, but it’s deadly for a relationship.
My husband and I are both psychotherapists, and we know a lot about each other’s histories. However, there is an unspoken rule between us to never use that knowledge in a heated argument or against each other in any way.
Or worse, to start actually diagnosing each other. It’s easier than ever to look up psychological symptoms online or ask AI to explain someone’s behavior. You may find something that fits or is accurate. But using that diagnosis to gain power will always backfire.
2. Don’t Label
A second thing to avoid is labeling someone. Labels are constricting. And negative labels are hurtful.
Diagnosing is a particular type of labeling. People use it all the time. You say to your moody friend, “You’re bipolar.” Or to the coworker who has opposing political views, “You’re psychotic!”
Other labels that can do damage are negative ones like lazy, unfeeling, cold, chatty-Kathy, conceited, unreliable, or weak.
The point is, labels are a commentary on someone’s sense of self. You’re confining that person to a single descriptive or a group of descriptors, which equates them with the label. And nothing more.
They’re poison arrows you should avoid.
3. Don’t Betray a Confidence in Public
It’s bad enough to use someone’s vulnerabilities against them in a private conversation. Doing it in public is worse.
When you reveal something vulnerable that someone’s told you in confidence to other people or in a public situation, you’re pouring acid into a wound. It’s demeaning, humiliating, and painful. Especially if used passive-aggressively to make fun of the other person, or to draw attention to yourself.
It’s easy to do it in fun, but it still stings. Always have your partner’s, friend’s, or child’s back in public.
What to Do When You’re on the Receiving End
There are three ways you can approach these situations. You’ll likely use all three at once, but not necessarily. It depends on who you’re dealing with and what type of relationship you have with this person. For closer, intimate relationships, all three will help.
#1 Don’t chase the insult. Chase the emotion underneath it.
In this one, you change the direction of the conversation by asking questions. Your goal here is to get a clear understanding of what’s really bothering the other person.
Questions you might ask are:
- “What specifically is bothering you?” You’re trying to find out the feelings underneath the jab.
- “You seem angry (or whatever feeling you detect). Tell me why. I’ll listen without interrupting, and then maybe we can figure out what to do.”
In both of these scenarios, you’re going for the underlying feeling the person has. And if they’re willing to talk about that and examine it, the animosity will die down, and you can get somewhere.
Doesn’t always work if someone is too upset. You may need to take a break in that case and then come back to it.
#2 Focus on the intention behind the behavior.
What was the intended effect the other person was going for when they said what they said?
This is a good strategy to shift the momentum.
Start by allowing some space between what was said and your response. Pause. Let the silence do a little work before you respond.
Doing that shifts the momentum immediately and often makes the other person have some second thoughts.
After some silence, ask directly: “What did you hope to gain by saying that?”
In most cases, the other person will backpedal and be a little more specific about what’s bothering them, often apologetically. If not that, at least not so hostile.
If they continue to be defensive, ask this question: “Did you intend to hurt me with that statement?”
Again, this question shifts momentum and starts to move you back to a place where you can have a more productive discussion about what’s going on. You’re not accusing them of anything, but you’re questioning the motive.
When you defend, they still control the conversation. When you question, you’re steering the momentum.
#3 Set a boundary.
The third thing you can do is set a boundary. You might do this after the first two steps, when you both have some understanding of the issue and have expressed your feelings about it.
Let the other person know that no matter what they might be upset about or need to talk about, using personal information as a weapon is unacceptable.
A good strategy is to create some rules and write them out together.
Some examples are:
- Never use each other’s history as leverage.
- No personal attacks.
- Stick to talking about behaviors rather than personal characteristics.
When you write out rules like this, you’ll both remember them and be able to refer to them during difficult discussions. It helps you work together to solve the problem instead of making each other the problem.
Guard Your Connection
When you share your vulnerabilities with someone, you’re really asking this question:
“Am I safe with you?”
How you answer determines the future of your relationship.
The key takeaway?
Every vulnerability someone shares with you is a gift of trust. Protect it. Never weaponize it.
That’s all for today. See you in two weeks!
All my best,
Barbara