Blog Short #271: Are You Living . . . or Just Getting Through the Day?
Photo by yellowpicturestudio, Courtesy of iStock Photo
In a recent conversation with one of my sisters, she said she feels like a new person. She has a sense of purpose, is exploring new interests, and branching out socially.
I was thrilled to hear it because much of her life has been spent surviving and trying to stay afloat. But at 67, she finally has the room to ask:
“Who am I now? What do I want?”
And the answer? She’s thriving!
Which raises an important question:
Are you existing, surviving, or thriving?
It’s worth considering. Here’s some help to find the answer.
Existing (Pseudo-Contentment)
Existing is subtle. It lulls you into a hazy sense of contentment that allows you to avoid complications or striving. It feels easy, but it’s bland.
What It Looks Like
You’re just going through the motions, without any real engagement. You feel blah, flat, and a bit numb. Not miserable, or depressed exactly, but stagnating.
Every day is the same. You get up. Go to work. Come home, turn on the TV, and eat. Get in bed, scroll for a while, drift off, and start over again the next day.
You prefer passive consumption, like binge-watching TV, scrolling, and watching videos. Anything requiring effort feels like too much.
Existing is the most dangerous state because you don’t feel enough discomfort to make a change. And it can go on for years without noticing.
If you painted it, it would be grey or beige. Muted. Dull.
If you’re not sure if this is where you are, ask yourself these questions:
- When was the last time you felt deeply energized and excited about something?
- Are your days repetitive and roll on without deviation?
- Do you live intentionally? Or just get dragged along?
- Do you have a sense of purpose or meaning?
Maybe you think you’re just surviving. But surviving has a different feel altogether.
Surviving (Outrunning the Treadmill)
Surviving is almost the polar opposite of existing.
Whereas existing is low-energy and grey, surviving is acute, anxious, and often red hot. Surviving is treading water and always feeling like you’re going under.
What It Looks Like
When you’re in survival mode, you feel constant pressure and stress.
You’re the designated problem-solver, and the problems keep rolling in. You cross one thing off your list, and the next thing is already screaming for attention.
You feel reactive and under attack. You’re stuck in fight-or-flight mode. There’s never enough time, enough rest, or an endpoint.
Sometimes you don’t even recognize yourself anymore because life has become one long emergency. Everything is ASAP!
You’re in charge, but you have no power.
No power? Time to take a step back and think about thriving.
Thriving (Coming Home)
Thriving is the difference between posing for the painting and being the artist.
When you pose, someone else is creating your image based on their perceptions and needs. When you’re the artist, you’re creating the image.
You explore, experiment, and decide how it’s going to look, what colors to use, and where to place the strokes. The process is intentional, and it’s yours.
What It Looks Like
When you’re thriving, you have the time and emotional space to savor who you are, what you value, and how you want to live your life.
You’re engaged and seek meaning. You feel a sense of purpose. You set and pursue goals that resonate with your sense of self, and create opportunities for personal growth and contribution.
You’re proactive rather than reactive, and you align your actions with your values.
You have a full range of emotions and can engage fully in relationships that are mutually beneficial and enhance your well-being. You feel alive!
A note here: Thriving isn’t about feeling happy or great all the time. It’s about being actively engaged in your life and making intentional choices about who you are, who you want to be, and how to get there. You’ll still encounter obstacles, but you use them for growth.
Have you figured out where you are on the continuum yet?
If you don’t like where you are, don’t worry. None of these states are permanent. You can move up with just a few small shifts.
Here’s how.
Existence Mode? Time to shake things up!
If you’re in existence mode, you need to do something to put a fire under you.
It doesn’t have to be something big, and probably shouldn’t be. The goal is to intentionally interrupt your autopilot existence. You could try:
- Changing up your daily routine. Something small but noticeable. Get up at a different time. Or read at night instead of scrolling before turning out the lights.
- Add a new intentional activity daily or weekly. Maybe you go for 10-minute walks, or make a friend date once a week. Get out of the house!
- Replace passive consumption with active engagement. Pick something that feels easy and that you like. If you like to read, do that. Or go out to a movie instead of watching from your couch. Start a project or enroll in a class.
- Start noticing what you think about, how you feel, and your patterns. Journaling is a good way to do this. Awareness helps. A lot!
Bottom line? Shake it up! You need to feel your life again, even if it’s uncomfortable.
Survival Mode? Put the floor back in.
The goal for survivors is to create stability. You need breathing room. Emotional space. Time to think about what you need and want, not just put out fires. Some ideas to try are:
- Make a list of your commitments and think about what you can eliminate. Delegate where you can. Opt out of activities you’ve lost interest in.
- Build in small self-care routines. Go to bed earlier. Do some calming exercise like Yoga. Carve out some morning time to sit quietly with your coffee or tea without interruption. Look for spaces in your day just for you.
- Reduce chronic stressors where possible. Imagine you have a huge pair of cutting shears, and you’re snipping them off at the root. Bye-bye! Reducing just one stressor will give you back a sense of agency and control.
- Set boundaries. Seriously. With your time, with people, and with tasks. You don’t need to be all things to all people. However, people will ask more and more of you if you send the message that you’re willing and capable. Look around. Who’s taking advantage of you? Only you can put a stop to that.
- Learn some new tools for regulating your emotions. The one I use and swear by is daily meditation. It doesn’t have to be long to be beneficial. Walking is another great way to soothe and reset yourself. A hot bath when you’re overwhelmed. Do some research, and try something new.
The bottom line?
You can’t build a meaningful and fulfilling life when you’re constantly putting out fires.
Open up some space and feel yourself again.
Thriving? Get in the driver’s seat.
To thrive, you have to build more intentionality into your life. You have choices. Your goal is growth. A good way to start is to clarify where you want to go.
- What are your values? What actually matters to you? I used to go to the library and sit in an alcove way up on an upper floor, where it was quiet and rarely occupied. I did some of my best thinking there. Find that space and think about what’s most important to you.
- Push yourself out of your comfort zone. Not all at once. A little at a time. Challenge yourself to do something you wouldn’t normally do because it scares you a little, or you’re afraid of failing. Remember, thriving is about growth.
- Get creative! Get involved in a project or activity that feeds you emotionally. Do you like to write? Want to design something? Attend a class? What would you like to do that excites you?
- Check your relationships. How are they doing? How can you invest more in the relationships that matter to you? Conversely, are there some you need to let go of?
The key idea to keep in mind when thinking about thriving is that it’s something you build, not something you find. Take small, consistent actions, and it’ll find you.
Putting It All Together
By now, you have some idea about whether you’re existing, surviving, or thriving.
It might be a mix. It’s easy to sometimes think you’re in survival mode when, in actuality, you’re just existing. You can also mistake surviving for thriving.
For example, super productivity can make you think you’re thriving when, in fact, you’re treading water or avoiding thinking about your life. Busy isn’t the same as growth.
Thriving means living with a meaning and purpose. It’s not always easy or pleasant. There are obstacles, but the challenges create growth and fulfillment.
The good thing? A single small action can get you moving up a level. Take it! You’re not stuck where you are. Even small changes can bring your life back to life.
And, like my sister, make you feel like a new person.
That’s all for today. Have a great two weeks!
All my best,
Barbara