Blog Short #220: When to Take Criticism Seriously (and When Not!)
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There’s no shortage of criticism these days. Just post a controversial comment on social media. Wham! You’ll get a barrage of them.
How do you decide when to take someone’s criticism of you seriously?
What if your partner accuses you of being late all the time?
Or a good friend tells you you’re too sensitive. You take things personally when you shouldn’t.
Maybe your officemate throws a sarcastic comment at you about your work on a report.
These are all criticisms – some blatant and some more vague, but you feel them either way.
Getting criticized is a fact of life. No one escapes.
You need a method to decide whether to respond or not.
I have guidelines for you that I use to address this question. Here they are.
Quantity Counts
If you hear a particular criticism once and never again, you might not take it seriously.
But if you hear the same thing more than once or from several sources, it’s more likely to be valid.
You should consider it before throwing it out.
This isn’t a hard, fast rule, but it does help you weed through what you want to respond to.
Consider the Source
This is tricky. You might decide the source is questionable, but the criticism has some validity.
In other cases, the source is not one you respect or trust.
The social media example is more likely to fall into this category.
If someone you don’t know and who doesn’t know you criticizes you, how valid can it be?
Indeed, it drops low on the scale of probability.
If the criticism is from someone you know, consider asking these questions. If any of them describe the person, the validity is shaky.
- They regularly criticize many people, not just you.
- Their focus is negative much of the time.
- They often project their problems onto others (accusing them of doing things they do).
- They seem unaware or in denial of their issues.
A quick example:
When I see a negative business review on Google, I always check two things:
- Are there many positive reviews and only one negative review?
- Does the person who left the 1-star review have a history of leaving bad reviews?
You can see that by clicking on their name. Not surprisingly, I often find they’ve left fifteen to twenty other 1-star reviews and no positive ones. If that’s the case, I dismiss their review.
The question is, do you trust the judgment and objectivity of the person criticizing?
As a rule, do you respect their opinions?
If you answered yes to those two questions, it’s good to consider what they have to say—not in every case, but overall.
Likewise, if your answer is no, you might dismiss what you hear.
The only caveat is that occasionally, a lousy source can still provide useful feedback.
You have to sift through the criticism to see if there’s any validity to any part of it. It’s a judgment call.
That brings us to the next guideline.
What’s the Motive?
When someone launches a criticism, they have a motive. Always.
Here are some common categories:
- It’s their job. This applies to a work supervisor, teacher, parent, or authority figure who guides your behavior.
- They’re genuinely concerned about your well-being.
- The criticism is a knee-jerk reaction to something you did or said.
- They’re genuinely affected by your behavior and don’t feel heard. In other words, they’ve brought up the problem more than once.
- They can’t face their issues and project them onto you.
- They want to hurt you.
- They’re a serial critic and make it a practice to criticize anyone and everyone.
In general, unless the person criticizing you is a parent or authority figure whose job is to help you improve your behavior or performance, you should question the motivation.
Ask yourself this:
Is what they’re criticizing you about directly affecting them? Or are they offering an unsolicited view of your behavior that does not personally affect them?
In the first instance, the motivation is more likely to be valid. Someone’s letting you know that something you’re doing is causing them distress.
If your partner tells you that leaving your work stuff on the kitchen counter every evening when you get home interferes with making dinner, that’s a valid criticism.
But if a friend tells you you’re too quiet in social situations, that’s more suspect.
Why does that matter to them, and why are they telling you that? Maybe they’re trying to be helpful, but maybe not.
The worst-case scenario is scornful or hateful criticism.
In those cases, the person criticizing desires to hurt you, and that’s not okay under any circumstances.
Now, we get to the fourth guideline.
How’s the Delivery?
Is the criticism a personal attack, or is it focused on a behavior?
Personal attacks don’t help. They make people defensive. And they’re usually exaggerated, which makes them questionable.
Generally, if someone comes at you with an arrow pulled back and aimed at your heart, you can dodge the attack.
However, if it’s coming from someone close to you, it may be more that they aren’t adept at expressing anger. They’re frustrated, and you need to sift through the complaint.
In those cases, step back and give yourself time to recover emotionally, but then examine the issue and see what action you need to take.
After you resolve the problem, tell the other person how to approach you better in the future.
These scenarios are common in intimate relationships.
What if the criticism is meant to hurt?
If the criticism is clearly a personal attack meant to belittle, humiliate, or hurt you, step back and consider the source and motivation.
If you don’t care about the other person’s perception of you, you may wish to walk away and let it go.
However, don’t let it go if it comes from someone you care about or know well. Talk it through, but be clear that you won’t tolerate personal attacks.
The Short Version
When someone criticizes you, do this:
- Step back and examine the content of the complaint. Is there any part of it that’s valid?
- If so, decide how you’d like to respond.
- Take action to make behavioral changes, apologize if needed, and repair damage.
- If you didn’t like the delivery, let the person know how to approach you better next time.
I would encourage you to avoid responding to criticism on social media.
Problem-solving in public is rarely helpful to anyone because there are no boundaries. It invites input from people you don’t know.
Besides, the lack of face-to-face conversation allows people to abandon civility and say anything they like without empathy for the other person.
For You
For you, a good practice to learn is how to voice your concerns in ways that can be well-received and not hurtful.
- Stick to talking about behaviors and not the person. Use “I” messages.
- Be specific about how a behavior affects you and what you’d rather have happen.
- Don’t directly criticize someone’s sense of self. That will backfire and, if done enough, damage the relationship.
- Assume that everyone’s sensitive to being criticized, and think before you speak.
That’s not always easy when you’re upset, but it’s crucial to preserve your relationships.
Always take a step back or a break if necessary to think carefully about what you want to say, the outcome you want, and how the other person might respond to your words.
If you stick to that, you’ll be more successful and appreciated.
That’s all for today.
Have a great week!
All my best,
Barbara