Blog Short #212: How to Respond to Passive-Aggressive Zings!
Photo by Amadeo Valar on Unsplash
When someone’s passive-aggressive with you, it leaves a hostile cloud in the air that oozes discomfort and stuns you for a second until you realize what’s happened.
How do you respond? Do you zing them back, or just let it roll off you?
Most of us don’t let it roll off. We might be confused by what was said or done or feel some anger or frustration in response.
No matter how you cut it, it’s uncomfortable and provocative.
Most passive aggression comes from deep-seated anger and frustration that someone isn’t comfortable expressing directly. So it comes out sideways or under the table or couched in indirect but loaded comments.
In most cases, the messages are intended. The person knows what they’re doing, and the messages are deliberate, but not in every case. We’ll talk more about that later.
Let’s start with some examples and then discuss how to handle them.
Types of Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Passive-aggressive behaviors focus on making another person feel small, incompetent, unworthy, ostracized, disliked, unaccepted, or shamed. They’re delivered indirectly, but you feel the sting.
Here are some examples.
- Gossiping and spreading negative rumors about you to get others to jump on the bandwagon and ostracize you.
- Subtly folding in a criticism with an affirmation. “It’s great you can spend so much time with your kids. Must be nice to not have to work.”
- Avoiding you, but in a way that lets you know they’re doing it. Like not making eye contact as you pass them in the hall.
- Speaking to everyone else in a group setting except you and not acknowledging your comments. Or walking away when you approach.
- Giving you the silent treatment.
- Withholding something you need: Information or something they promised to do within a time frame but didn’t. Or something more emotionally based, such as recognition, empathy, or affirmation.
- Forgetting (on purpose) to tell you about the assignment you missed in the staff meeting the day you were at home sick.
- Avoid showing pleasure in a success you’ve had or diminishing it through body language and subtle backhanded criticisms.
- Tattling to the boss (or anyone) about mistakes you make. And often exaggerating them for effect.
- Ghosting you. Not answering your texts, calls, or invitations for contact.
- Doing a half-ass job on a project you’re in charge of to make you look bad and increase your workload.
Passive-aggressive people want you to feel the effects of their anger but not have the opportunity to address it. They want the last word.
That’s what makes it so difficult to deal with.
Intentional or Not?
The behaviors above are mostly intentional. The person knows what they’re doing, and they intend to unload their anger.
There are times when the behavior is not intentional.
Someone can be so unaware of their stored-up anger that they don’t recognize their behavior is aggressive.
If you point it out, they’re surprised and likely will deny that they have any ill intentions because, in their mind, they don’t.
Another way people are passive-aggressive but don’t recognize it is by forgetting a lot, not showing up when they say they will, not following through on things, and not being reliable.
This person sees these behaviors as personal issues but doesn’t recognize their effects on others.
Sometimes, it’s an unconscious way of displaying anger.
An example is the teen who doesn’t show up on time for family events. Instead of directly expressing his anger toward his parents, he disappoints them regularly.
You could label this as “unintentionally intentional.”
How to Deal with Passive-Aggressive Behavior
There are two ways:
- Confront directly
- Retreat and avoid
Let’s start with confronting directly.
The Direct Approach
In most cases, directly confronting the behavior is the best way to stop it and discover the real issue.
However, there is a way to do it to get the results you want. I use a little acronym to remind myself how to approach it. It’s DRE, which stands for Direct-Respect-Empathy.
Direct means enquiring about:
- What the person is actually saying
- How they’re feeling
- What their intention is behind the behavior
Let’s try an example.
If you found out that a co-worker was bad-mouthing you to other colleagues or the boss, you could approach it by asking them directly if they’ve been talking about you negatively to your co-workers.
Always use specifics.
“I heard you told the boss I’m lazy and don’t do my work, causing everyone else to pick up my slack. Is that true? Is that what you think?”
Add to that a comment about their feelings and deliver it with empathy.
“If you think that, you must be angry or frustrated with me.”
Usually, that approach will open a direct discussion. You’ve caught them in the act but have focused on how they might be feeling, and you’ve done it with acceptance.
This allows them to tell you what’s on their mind directly and openly.
From there, you can inquire about what would make the situation better and come to an agreement.
Going straight for the feeling usually gets a direct response. Sometimes, you’ll still get a denial, but more often, you’ll find out what’s bothering them.
It doesn’t always work this way, but more often than not, showing concern and respect stops the passive-aggression and transforms the interaction into a direct and productive conversation.
You can end by setting a clear boundary. You could say,
“I’m sorry you were frustrated with me, but from now on, if you have a problem with me, please approach me directly so we can work it out. Agreed?”
You’ll get a yes in most cases.
You can use this approach for any intentional passive-aggressive behavior, including getting the silent treatment or being ignored.
The quick summary is:
- Directly identify the behaviors bothering you
- Ask what it’s about or what’s behind it
- Inquire as to the person’s feelings about it
- Show empathy when you can
- Come to a resolution to the current issue
- Establish a boundary for future interactions
If you get a flat-out denial or continued passive-aggressive behavior from this person, set a clear boundary with a more forceful confrontation. But always maintain respect. No counterattacking, sarcasm, or aggression on your part.
Retreat and Avoid
Some people will deny their behavior and emotions regardless of how accurately or directly you confront it. In those cases, it’s best not to pursue it.
You might decide to set a boundary anyway and tell them how you feel about the behavior as a means of putting them on notice.
If after confronting the behavior, someone continues to avoid or ignore you or give you the silent treatment, then let it go.
Some people are chronically angry yet aren’t aware of it or won’t deal with it.
If the person in question is someone you have to work with or stay in contact with, you may need to set boundaries more than once.
Usually, a direct approach will stop the behavior even if the person denies doing it in the first place.
Non-Specific Behaviors
Non-specific behaviors are those that don’t seem to be directed toward you personally yet are passive-aggressive.
These are the behaviors I mentioned above. They include always showing up late, forgetting, not following through on promises, giving weak performances, and letting other people carry the load.
These behaviors are usually a function of self-esteem issues, depression, anxiety, or attention problems. But they can also be an expression of anger.
Regardless, they do directly affect other people, and the lack of concern this person shows is a form of passive aggression. Sometimes, the behavior is intended to disappoint or frustrate others.
Again, the direct approach is the best method to confront these situations.
Something To Think About
Most people use passive-aggressive behavior at some point.
It’s always good to monitor your behavior to ensure that your communications are direct and respectful, even if you’re angry.
Use the list of examples provided above to examine whether there are behaviors you’d like to tweak.
Stick with the direct approach as much as possible in all your interactions, and use our little acronym (DRE).
That’s all for today!
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
All my best,
Barbara