Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

What do you do when something out of the ordinary happens like dropping a glass of milk that crashes all over the kitchen floor, or your engine light goes on while you’re driving, or you forget to bring the materials you need for the presentation you’re giving as soon as you get to work?

The first thing that usually happens is a reflexive reaction of “Arrgh!” (or something much stronger), followed by a thought train of resistance to the event. You think things like “I really can’t handle this today!”, or maybe “Well that’s a surprise isn’t it? Don’t things ALWAYS go wrong for me?”, or if you’re feeling fragile you might just burst into tears, or just go on an angry rant using the worst curse words you can think of.

I’ve done all these and then some, and likely you have too.

The real problem is not that something happened that you didn’t expect, but rather the emotional resistance you have to accepting it and getting on with it.

There’s something you can do to turn that resistance around, and it isn’t just thinking positive thoughts. It’s gaining some power over your mind and emotions by training yourself (and also your brain) to respond in a way that accepts the interruption and allows you to work with it rather than resist it.

Step #1:

The first thing to do if you have a moment (which you do even if you think you don’t), is to do one round of square breathing. You can get the handout for this here. Only takes a couple of minutes.

What this does is break up the fight or flight response by walking back the physiological stress you’re experiencing. As you go through the routine, you’ll get your heartbeat and breathing back under control, while also reducing tension in your body. This has the effect of calming your mind and getting some mental space. You become more present and can start to focus.

Step #2:

The second thing is to start a self-talk routine that you’ve set up ahead of time for these type situations. The self-talk uses a series of statements you’ve already created and use and reuse each time these situations occur. Here’s some I use:

Things happen. It’s normal. I can ride with it.

I don’t need to resist this, just deal with it.

I can handle this situation without going off the deep end.

I’ve got a good brain! I can solve this problem.

Just relax into it and shift to problem-solving.

By using your self-talk, you can make a shift from resisting the problem to figuring out how to solve the problem.

Step #3:

The third thing is to throw yourself completely into the resolution whatever it may be. To do this, move slowly and deliberately. Break it down in small steps if need be. Stay present.

For example, if you dropped a glass of milk on the floor, very deliberately begin the process of cleaning it up. Pick up the large pieces of glass first, then use paper towels to get up the liquid, then sweep up the rest of the glass, vacuum if you think you need to, and run a mop over it. Done!

Do each step with your full attention as if you’re in slow motion. DO NOT RUSH! It’s important to go slow. Watch yourself as you do it.

The deliberate observation and focus on each action will absorb your attention which will calm you. Paradoxically, you’ll actually get it done faster.

That’s it!

The more you use this 3-step method, the more you’ll train your brain and psyche to handle stressful situations without resistance and emotional reactivity. Eventually you won’t need to use square breathing and maybe even the self-talk because you’ve trained your brain to react calmly and effectively to adversity and challenge.

It feels good to get on top of it. Try it out!

See you next week!

All my best,

Barbara

Welcome to Monday Blog Shorts – ideas to make even Monday a good day! Every Monday I share a short article with you about a strategy you can use, or new facts or info that informs you, or a new idea that inspires you . My wish is to give you something to think about in the week ahead. Let’s dig in!

This week’s blog short is about how others influence you, and why it’s important to be discriminating when choosing who you hang with on a regular basis.

Let’s approach this from the point of view of your brain, because knowing how this works neurologically helps you understand the scientific process of behavior influence. It has to do with something called mirror neurons.

Before I get into that, think about this:

You know that when you repeat an activity many times, you can eventually do it on autopilot. At first you have to exert a lot of effort, but over time you do it without thinking. Like driving.

This happens because the repetition creates neural paths in your brain that allow the activity to be remembered so that your motor responses happen without needing to focus or think too much about them.

What’s going on is that the neurons associated with the activity are firing together and a creating a mental pattern that your brain tucks away and keeps for you when need it. Like files on a hard drive.

Now for mirror neurons:

A mirror neuron is special in that it fires not only when you do something, but when you observe someone else doing something.

So if I see you pick up a comb to comb your hair, neurons fire in my brain in the same pattern as the ones firing in your brain to complete that action. You actually pick up the comb and run it through your hair, but my brain imitates the entire sequence in exactly the same pattern even though I didn’t touch the comb or comb my hair. Pretty amazing, huh?!

The caveat is that this only works if the action is intentional.

That means that if you just wave your hands around in the air for no particular reason, my mirror neurons won’t be activated. The action has to have an intention that I can perceive. When you pick up the comb, I can anticipate what you’re going to do with it and that perception activates my mirror neurons. As you comb your hair, I can feel that action.

Mirror neurons are the basis of imitation, as well as empathy.

You can perceive the other person’s intention, feelings and behavior, and you can imitate the neurological activity behind them in your brain. This is how babies learn to imitate the movements that Mommy makes when she plays with them, or smile when she smiles at them.

The Implications

There are many implications to the discovery of mirror neurons, but for today, let’s focus on what it means in terms of the company you keep.

Have you had the experience of picking up some of the mannerisms of your best friends, or a family member, or your partner? I’m sure you have. We all do it.

When you spend a lot of time with someone or a friend group, you adopt similar mannerisms, sayings, and more importantly, thought patterns and habits. We’re wired to connect, and imitation is a product of our brains connecting through mirror neurons.

When the company is good, meaning the habits, activities, thought patterns, and feelings states we imitate and pick up are in our best interest, then the connections are healthy and influence us for the better.

But, when the opposite is true – when the habits, activities, thought patterns, and feelings states are chronically negative – our mirror neurons work the same way to instill neural paths in our brains that increase the influence of those negative behaviors.

If you work in an office where gossip is heavy, and the group you work with often engages in criticism and behind the back judgments, you may find yourself automatically engaging in the same behavior even when it’s not really what you aspire to. The daily exposure of intentional gossip is picked up by your mirror neurons and installed if you’re not aware and careful about extricating yourself from engaging in that behavior. You might find yourself participating even when you’d rather not.

This is just one example. The point is that we all know that other people influence our behavior, but understanding that the influence is actually felt in our brains in such a way that our own neural pathways are infiltrated and installed is something else altogether! It’s powerful. This is why you need to choose your relationships and company carefully.

See you next week!

All my best,

Barbara