Blog Short #231: When to Listen and When to Problem-Solve
Photo by andresr
Has anything like this ever happened to you?
You come home from work, and it’s been a gut-wrenching day. You couldn’t finish a project on time due to many unexpected obstacles you’re still wrestling with. Your boss was upset about it and didn’t handle it well. A woman you supervise burst into your office in tears and informed you she’s quitting. And to top it off, you haven’t eaten all day because there was no time for lunch.
You plop down on the couch and begin telling your spouse about it. But before you get it all out, he tells you how he would have handled the situation and what you should do when you return tomorrow to smooth things over and get back on your boss’s good side.
You stop talking and feel yourself getting angry.
What’s the problem here?
The problem is that you needed someone to listen, empathize, and validate your feelings. You weren’t looking for advice. You might have wanted that later after having a chance to recover emotionally, but not right off the bat and not unsolicited.
This scenario is a common one, and today, I’ll show how to avoid it and what to do instead.
There are two parts to this: validation and problem-solving.
Validation
The first step when someone wants to talk something over with you is to validate their feelings and experience. Period!
You may not agree with their thoughts or interpretation of what happened, but you can validate that how they feel and see the situation is real to them.
To do that, begin with listening, not problem-solving.
Listening and problem-solving are two distinctly different activities with different goals.
Problem-solving will not be successful if you haven’t first laid the groundwork by making a solid connection with the other person based on validating where they are.
To validate effectively, three components are required as you listen.
They are acceptance, understanding, and empathy. Let’s go through them.
Acceptance
The first component is to accept the person’s version of what happened, their experience of it, and how they feel about it.
Don’t offer any advice at this point. Just listen.
Your job in this phase is to be fully present. Put down anything you were doing and turn your full attention to the person. Put away your phone, close your book, turn the TV off, and stop working.
Encourage the person to sit and roll out what’s on their mind. Don’t interrupt. Just be present and radiate a nonjudgmental, open attitude.
Understanding
The second goal is to get a complete picture of what happened.
You want to know the facts of the situation, the person’s interpretation of it, and its impact on them.
You get this information by asking questions after they’ve had time to talk.
Usually, when someone’s upset, they need some uninterrupted time to get all their thoughts and feelings out until they’ve expended backed-up emotions and are ready for questions.
You can usually tell when someone’s ready for some questions. You’ll feel that shift in the momentum, and you can ask questions to clarify what happened and what the person is feeling or upset about.
When done right, they’ll appreciate your interest in knowing more.
As you ask questions, you can validate how the person feels.
For example, if I tell you my boss yelled at me when he found out I couldn’t meet the deadline, you could ask what he said and how I felt about it. Am I worried about repercussions? What am I fantasizing will happen next?
Based on my answers, you could say, “I can see how you might feel that way, considering your boss’s tone and words.”
The idea is to get all the information you can without disputing anything, making judgments, or dispensing advice.
And in so doing, you validate how the person experienced the situation.
Empathy
Empathy is the part of validation that connects you and the other person.
Empathy has two parts. One is to feel the other person’s emotions as they express them.
If you’ve had similar experiences or something that made you feel the same way, you can remember and feel it with them. This is an emotional process.
In our example, you can feel how overwhelming it was to deal with an upset employee while reeling from being chastised by your boss for missing a deadline. And you can imagine going all day with no food and no break, and stress building in your body as panic sets in.
At the same time, you don’t want to get swept away by these feelings.
And you won’t when you’re also working at understanding what happened. This process is the second part of empathy.
It’s a cognitive process using your thinking brain. You’re investigating what happened and what the person’s interpretation was. You do that by asking questions and clarifying.
By pursuing these two processes simultaneously, you connect with the person emotionally while providing relief and strength as you seek to understand what happened.
Empathy validates feelings, while understanding helps the other person gain some distance from them. Both are relieving.
A caveat is that you don’t need to go along with behavior that you think was ill-advised or destructive. You can validate that someone acted the way they did based on how they felt at the time. You’re still validating feelings but not necessarily the behavior.
You should always validate feelings, including your own.
Never tell anyone they shouldn’t feel a particular way. Feelings come to us unbidden. How we handle them is where we can exert control.
Problem-Solving
If someone needs help to deal with something, they’ll usually ask for it. If they don’t ask for it, don’t offer it.
If you’re unsure, ask directly rather than try to figure it out.
Did you need me to listen only, or do you also want some help figuring out what to do?
However, timing is important. Don’t ask until you think the person feels validated and has had enough time to say everything.
You could add:
Have you had enough time to say everything you wanted to say before we work on how to fix it? I want to make sure you feel heard and not rushed.
That statement alone is soothing and builds trust.
Problem-solving is a cognitive process; you want to ensure the emotions are cooled and validated before switching gears.
If you try it too early, you’ll meet resistance, and the person will feel unheard, judged, or dismissed. They won’t hear what you have to say.
You must connect first on an emotional level before you problem-solve.
The Rule to Remember
When you’re not sure whether someone needs you to listen only or help solve a problem, ask upfront.
“Do you want me to listen only, or do you need some advice or help figuring out what to do?”
Even if they say they want help figuring it out, don’t rush in with advice. Spend ample time in the listening and validation phase until you fully understand the problem, how the person feels and experiences it, and what they’re worried about.
In other words, always validate before problem-solving.
Understanding and emotional validation create a connection between you and the speaker, and when that connection is in place, problem-solving will be much more effective.
That’s all for today.
Have a great week!
All my best,
Barbara