Photo by PeopleImages, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Most people would say “love.” A successful ongoing relationship that lasts requires love.

That’s true. It does. But not necessarily just romantic love. It requires real love that has staying power.

Yet, love like that can only develop and grow if there’s another factor.

And that factor is trust. Love can’t deepen where there isn’t trust.

So the question is, “How do you develop and maintain trust?”

Today, I’ll list the necessary elements for fostering and strengthening trust. If you can successfully employ these, you have a shot at real love.

What is Trust?

When it comes to relationships, the first thing most people jump to when thinking about trust is fidelity. It means not cheating and being loyal to your partner. That is undoubtedly an aspect of trust, but it’s much more than that.

Let’s start with loyalty.

1. Loyalty

Think for a moment about a relationship you’ve been in. It can be a romantic relationship, but it can also be a close friendship or family member.

Was the other person loyal? Were you?

Loyalty implies many things. But all of them can be captured by the phrase “non-betrayal.”

Being loyal to someone means not betraying them.

That can apply to fidelity, but it also applies to honoring your partner’s privacy and feelings.

It means maintaining confidentiality and not exposing things that are private or precious to them without permission.

However, this is challenging because we all talk about our partners to other people. If you’re married and close to your parents or siblings, you likely talk about your spouse with them.

There’s a fine line between talking to another person about your partner because you need help with something and divulging information you know your partner would be upset about if they knew.

Or worse, saying things that your partner would be hurt by if they heard them.

The same goes with your kids. If you tell your friends about a sensitive issue your teen’s having, and they tell their kids, pretty soon everyone knows, and your teen feels embarrassed and betrayed.

Betrayal is tricky, but if you’re cognizant of it when divulging information or talking about your partner, friends, or whomever, it’s easier to avoid betraying them.

That’s our first trust factor.

2. Commitment

The second factor is commitment.

Trust implies that you’re in it for the long haul.

That doesn’t mean you or the other person has a blank check to behave however you want.

It means you’re committed to the relationship and will do your best to work on and develop it.

You won’t jump ship when rough spots crop up, but you’ll put in your best effort to resolve them.

You’re dedicated to making the relationship better and better.

That requires prioritizing your relationship and investing the time, attention, and interest necessary to make it work.

3. Honesty

If you have kids, you’ve likely told them many times that you’ll lose trust in them if they lie to you. And if they tell you the truth, you’ll go easier on them than you would if they added lying to the infraction. I’ve emphasized that one many times myself.

Being honest and direct builds trust.

More than that, being honest also means divulging who you are.

You talk about how you feel and think about things, your struggles, and your dreams. You open up and share yourself. Relationships that last have that kind of daily exchange.

When you withhold yourself, you’re not exactly lying, but you’re omitting, which is a type of dishonesty.

Your partner needs to know what’s on your mind and how you feel.

Revealing yourself builds intimacy and understanding.

4. Acceptance

I’ve just told you to be honest and open, but you won’t feel comfortable doing that if you don’t think your partner will accept who you are.

Real trust comes when you can expose yourself and know that your partner respects you, feels for you, and champions you.

Trusting partners see your struggles and your assets, but they never use your deficits against you. They’re ready to help.

They have your best interest at heart and affectionately affirm who you are. And you can feel that.

5. Consistency

Something that happens often with couples is that they treat each other differently when around other people.

Your partner might be very accepting of you when you’re alone, but you go out with friends, and suddenly, they’re taking potshots at you in front of everyone. It’s all supposedly in jest, but it doesn’t feel that way.

Or they may become distant and ignore you while being more gregarious with other people. You feel a loss of connection.

Part of trust is knowing you can count on that connection regardless of whether you’re alone or with other people.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t ups and downs; sometimes, you feel more connected than at other times.

But overall, there’s trust that you are connected and committed to each other and will do all you can to avoid causing either of you to feel ostracized or hurt.

Consistency means you can count on the other person to act and behave consistently toward you in every circumstance and change of environment.

6. Willingness to Communicate

We’ve already mentioned being open and exposing yourself as a trust factor.

In addition, being willing to communicate is part of trust.

You will discuss issues that arise with each other and not withhold information that may cause the other person to feel confused or worried.

You’re both willing to hear the other person out without being afraid.

Fear can result from your inner desire not to expose yourself, which is something you have to work on. But it can also be in response to the other person’s reactivity.

If your partner tends to blow up and attack you, you’ll be afraid to say what’s on your mind.

Trust means making it safe for each other to express yourselves and be heard.

You want to know that you can tell your partner what’s bothering you and trust that they will do their best to understand and see it from your point of view—not necessarily agree with you, but consider how you see it.

People don’t generally think of trust as being involved in communication, but it is. Trust is an underpinning, and when you often dismiss what someone else says, thinks, and feels, trust erodes.

A willingness to communicate also means a willingness to listen with empathy and understanding. When solving problems, you’re looking for win-wins, not win-loses.

Can You Love Someone You Don’t Trust?

You can, but the depth of the love may be less intense, and your capacity to grow and deepen the relationship may be significantly impaired.

You might love from afar. Sometimes, you have a relative or good friend you love, but because of their problems and behavior, you can’t involve yourself intimately with them. Trust isn’t possible.

Love that develops over time and deepens happens within the framework of trust. Both grow and work together.

If you work diligently on building trust, you’ll improve all the other aspects of your relationship. It’s an excellent anchor to focus on because it strengthens love.

That’s all for today!

I hope you have very Happy Holidays!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by TerryJ, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Holidays sometimes bring on the “moody blues” and leave you in a funk. All that cheer and expectation is lovely unless you’re not feeling it. Not to mention, there’s a lot to do, which can be overwhelming.

How do you keep yourself emotionally balanced amidst all the hullabaloo?

My first suggestion is not to analyze it too deeply. Dredging up every possible reason you’re not feeling up to snuff probably won’t help you—not right now.

You can save that for quieter times when you have the energy to work on it, but for the next three to four weeks, let’s use a simple strategy to help out.

It’s called “Shift and Lift.” Here’s how it works.

The Shift

The “shift” involves redirecting your attention. There are four ways to accomplish this.

1. Start and finish something.

Select an activity that will engross you and give you a sense of accomplishment. You could do a small project that you enjoy and feel good about finishing. Make sure it’s simple and manageable. You don’t want to add stress.

2. Make your to-do list for the next several weeks.

Start with the whole list and then divide your tasks into each week. Be very specific and assign each task a particular day.

Having everything out of your head and on paper will help relieve the stress. If you can delegate anything to someone else, do it.

This list can cover everything you do, including on-the-job tasks, holiday-related tasks, and home tasks.

Shifting your focus to the big picture while organizing the details is relieving and will give you some momentum.

3. Put a stop to ruminations.

If you find yourself ruminating about a problem or issue, write it down.

Keep a “rumination list” handy for this purpose.

Once you write it out, let it go. When it comes up again, remind yourself that it’s on your rumination list, and you can attend to it later after the holidays.

Writing worries on a list to revisit when you can apply your thinking to them is a good way to stop the immediate overthinking.

You can use this strategy any time of year, not just during the holidays.

Another significant benefit is that jotting down the problem to work on later allows your subconscious mind to begin the process while focusing your attention on the present.

Ruminating only exaggerates your sense of helplessness and inflates the problem in your mind.

4. Take note of your distorted thoughts.

When you’re in a bad mood, it’s easy to exaggerate and catastrophize.

One negative thought begets the next one, and once you go down that rabbit hole, it’s hard to climb back out.

In particular, watch out for all-or-nothing thinking.

Moodiness causes you to narrow your view so that you have a skewed interpretation of what’s happening. And then you apply that interpretation to everything else.

Negativity narrows while positivity expands.

In other words, watch out for your inner Scrooge and put him in time-out.

Now for part two.

The Lift

Shifting is an exercise that neutralizes your dropping mood by blocking the path of the descent.

The “lift” swings you upwards by adding positivity. Not crazy, toxic positivity where you pretend everything is peachy, but using some strategies that will balance things out and energize you.

Here are six you can try.

Write a Gratitude List

Gratitude lists have power.

When you take the time to write out a list of things you’re thankful for, even small things, you automatically shift your outlook.

You can’t bemoan everything that’s not going well and focus on what’s going right simultaneously.

By writing the list, you engage your thinking mind and reinforce your thoughts through motor activity (writing) and visual feedback (seeing the words on the page).

The exercise itself produces a swing in the opposite direction.

To make it more powerful, use emoticons if you’re typing it. It’s fun and lifts you more! If you’re writing by hand, doodle pictures or symbols.

List ten things. That’s enough to shift your mindset.

Engage in Social Contact

When you’re in a blue mood and alone or isolated, you’re more likely to become increasingly pessimistic. You need to break up that pattern.

It’s hard to think your way out of it, so making social contact with someone is a quick and sure way to interrupt the downward trend.

Call a friend and chat. Make a date to have coffee with someone. Leave the house and go somewhere where there are people. Don’t sit and ruminate.

A change of environment and interaction with others will lift your mood.

Take a Walk Outside

Taking a walk expands and shifts your mind.

Research has shown that walking increases creativity.

There’s something about being outside and moving that suspends you from your current mood and circumstances and opens up new ideas.

Sometimes, you have insights or epiphanies while walking, and other times, you become energized to take some action you hadn’t previously thought of.

Aerobic exercise of any kind for at least thirty minutes raises your serotonin and dopamine levels, both of which are related to mood.

Walking is also helpful for reducing anxiety and overwhelm.

Engage in a Favorite Holiday Activity

Wrap presents and watch one of your favorite holiday movies. Pick something heartwarming.

If you like cooking, bake cookies or holiday bread.

Decorate. String lights everywhere.

Choose whatever you like that you know will lift your spirits.

Read a Good Novel

Fiction lifts you out of your current environment into an imaginary world. It also reduces stress.

A study conducted at Mindlab International at the University of Sussex in the UK found that reading for only six minutes can reduce stress levels by 68% – significantly more than taking a walk, listening to music, or having a cup of tea.

Dr. Lewis, a cognitive neuropsychologist who conducted the study, says this about reading:

“This is more than merely a distraction but an active engaging of the imagination as the words on the printed page stimulate your creativity and cause you to enter what is essentially an altered state of consciousness.”

So grab your favorite novel or author, and dive into a book. Not only will you get a reprieve from your current mood, but the effects are likely to last long after you stop reading.

Do Something for Someone Else

Charitable acts of any kind are a balm for the soul, especially when you need a lift.

It might be challenging to pull yourself out of a funk enough to attend to someone else, but it’s worth doing.

You don’t need to do something grand or far outside your usual environment. It can be as simple as driving your neighbor to pick up their car from the repair shop or making coffee for your partner when they get up in the morning.

Anything you do that smooths someone’s way can give you a lift.

It doesn’t matter if you get a big reaction or any reaction at all. Just knowing that you helped someone or gave them a small kindness can make you feel better.

Helping others takes you out of the narrow environment of rumination and self-indulgence.

Give it a try if you don’t do it already.

One Last Piece of Advice

Don’t wait for your mood to shift to eliminate the blues. Take action now, and your mood will change. It’s the horse before the cart.

Action forces you to widen your narrow mindset and opens it up to a larger, more positive narrative.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by primipil on iStock Photo

Today’s blog comes from a recent conversation with a young lady who was bemoaning the state of the world. The picture she presented was grim: wars, climate change, political upheaval, economic distress, and so on.

She felt her future was up in the air, literally and figuratively, and was second-guessing marriage, having children, or a career.

In her words, “The world is in chaos.” And she didn’t see it letting up any time soon, if ever.

This isn’t the first conversation I’ve had like this. I’ve heard similar complaints from people of all ages.

You may or may not agree with these characterizations, but that’s not today’s subject. What we’re addressing is how to deal with chaos.

Chaos can be global, as described above, but it can also come from personal experiences that upset your life. For example, a divorce or loss of a job. A sudden health issue. Death of a family member.

All these events can lead to both internal and external chaos and leave you on shaky ground.

How do you keep going when it feels like your environment is crumbling? How do you navigate chaos?

Let’s start.

1. Create order.

Create as much order in your immediate environment as you can.

For example:

1. Establish daily and weekly routines.
2. Make short-term goals and execute them.
3. Plan ahead and use to-do lists to track your activities.

Do whatever you can to create a sense of order that you can count on. Be flexible. Allow for minor upsets, but overall, stick to your routines.

Brad Stulberg, author of a book called ​Masters of Change​, calls these routines “daily and weekly anchors.” That’s an apt description.

Routines are soothing because you know what’s going to happen. You can automate them and take pleasure in accomplishing them.

Make sure that part of your routine includes self-care and something that makes you happy. For example, I get in bed and read fiction every night before turning out the lights. It’s a small pleasure I look forward to.

Include activities like that in your routines.

2. Focus on what you can control.

Identify the things you can control and put your energy into them. Each thing you accomplish will make you feel better.

Put the things you can’t control on the back burner or far into the background.

Everyone knows this one, but it’s not easy because your mind will likely continually flip to what you can’t control and ruminate about it.

When this happens, you’ll need to refocus and work on what you can manage. Any place you have individual agency, use it attentively and productively.

3. Give time to your relationships and social interactions.

Spend time with family and friends. Participate in social outings with people you enjoy.

These relationships are sources of meaning, belonging, empathy, and care.

It’s easy to become isolated when dealing with chaos or stress. When this happens, you may need to make more effort to be around people. Just make sure the people you choose are not sources of more negativity and fear.

It’s one thing to commiserate about your worries and disappointments – that’s validating. It’s another to focus primarily on what feels bleak.

4. Look for meaning and purpose.

You’ve seen pictures of a lotus flower floating on water, yes? It’s a metaphor. The pristine lotus floats atop murky, muddy water.

The symbolism is that out of chaos and darkness flows wisdom and light.

Applying that to our situation means transforming the negativity and foreboding of chaos into growth and wisdom.

It’s like watching someone declutter a messy room into perfect order, one item at a time.

The lotus idea comes from Buddhism. Viktor Frankl echoes this idea in his philosophy, ​tragic optimism​, which is a mindset you should adopt.

You can read about it in his book Man’s Search for Meaning. But for our purposes, a quick sketch will suffice:

Instead of descending into total negativity or embracing positive toxicity, take a middle road. Accept the chaos and negative experiences that come to you, but look for opportunities within them to find a deeper sense of meaning.

In doing so, you remain hopeful and optimistic but not unthinkingly.

Suffering of any kind provides an opportunity to learn something.

That doesn’t mean you aren’t traumatized by some experiences or that you would ever wish for suffering. It means you can learn and try to find meaning in it.

5. Avoid input that focuses only on the negative.

Watch out for the tank rolling over the terrain with guns shooting from all sides. That tank can come in the form of news, chronically negative people, town criers, and militant bugles blasting.

Toxic negativity is built on fear, catastrophic thinking, and what-ifs.

These can come from outside, like the tank rolling along, or from inside, like your worries, anxieties, and worst-case scenarios.

It’s always good to be informed so you can plan for your safety, but if you consume a steady diet of scary what-ifs, you’ll be sure the world is ending—either the whole world, your world, or both.

Watch your consumption and always ask yourself what the motivation is for the source that’s feeding you. Is it really to inform or to scare you?

Set boundaries on people or sources that are fearmongers.

6. Keep yourself active, but be discerning.

Chaos and stress can easily lead to burnout and depression, which dissipates your energy and leaves you feeling like you can’t do anything.

Don’t succumb, and don’t wait to feel better to do something.

Continue to be active, but be choosey about what you do. When you’re anxious, do things that calm you. When you’re feeling lazy, do something active that stimulates you.

As we’ve mentioned, keeping daily routines helps. Sometimes, working on a small project you can finish generates a better mood and some energy.

Do something social, get outside, or go on an errand where you’ll be around people.

7. Be your best self.

During ​stressful times​, it’s essential to live your values, be the person you want to be, act with conscience and integrity, and don’t succumb to unruly emotional reactivity.

It’s easy to become reactive when things are upside down rather than respond with thought. Take care to give yourself time to respond thoughtfully.

If you don’t meditate already, take at least ten minutes every day to sit and remind yourself of who you are, who you want to be, and how you want to meet the day’s challenges.

It helps to solidify your mindset in the morning before you begin. When you do that, you have an internal guide that stays with you all day and reminds you how you want to behave.

8. Embrace flexibility.

When times are rough, flexibility is crucial. Because no matter what you do, things will pop up and catch you off guard. Be ready to pivot.

If possible, embrace this value at all times. Flexibility doesn’t mean giving up your values but rather acclimating to the circumstances at hand. It makes life easier.

Last Note

It goes without saying, but I’m saying it anyway:

Take care of yourself. Sleep enough, eat well, exercise even if only ten minutes a day, meditate if possible, and find a small space every day for something you like.

Remember, all things pass.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Amadeo Valar on Unsplash

When someone’s passive-aggressive with you, it leaves a hostile cloud in the air that oozes discomfort and stuns you for a second until you realize what’s happened.

How do you respond? Do you zing them back, or just let it roll off you?

Most of us don’t let it roll off. We might be confused by what was said or done or feel some anger or frustration in response.

No matter how you cut it, it’s uncomfortable and provocative.

Most passive aggression comes from deep-seated anger and frustration that someone isn’t comfortable expressing directly. So it comes out sideways or under the table or couched in indirect but loaded comments.

In most cases, the messages are intended. The person knows what they’re doing, and the messages are deliberate, but not in every case. We’ll talk more about that later.

Let’s start with some examples and then discuss how to handle them.

Types of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behaviors focus on making another person feel small, incompetent, unworthy, ostracized, disliked, unaccepted, or shamed. They’re delivered indirectly, but you feel the sting.

Here are some examples.

• Gossiping and spreading negative rumors about you to get others to jump on the bandwagon and ostracize you.
• Subtly folding in a criticism with an affirmation. “It’s great you can spend so much time with your kids. Must be nice to not have to work.”
• Avoiding you, but in a way that lets you know they’re doing it. Like not making eye contact as you pass them in the hall.
• Speaking to everyone else in a group setting except you and not acknowledging your comments. Or walking away when you approach.
• Giving you the silent treatment.
• Withholding something you need: Information or something they promised to do within a time frame but didn’t. Or something more emotionally based, such as recognition, empathy, or affirmation.
• Forgetting (on purpose) to tell you about the assignment you missed in the staff meeting the day you were at home sick.
• Avoid showing pleasure in a success you’ve had or diminishing it through body language and subtle backhanded criticisms.
• Tattling to the boss (or anyone) about mistakes you make. And often exaggerating them for effect.
• Ghosting you. Not answering your texts, calls, or invitations for contact.
• Doing a half-ass job on a project you’re in charge of to make you look bad and increase your workload.

Passive-aggressive people want you to feel the effects of their anger but not have the opportunity to address it. They want the last word.

That’s what makes it so difficult to deal with.

Intentional or Not?

The behaviors above are mostly intentional. The person knows what they’re doing, and they intend to unload their anger.

There are times when the behavior is not intentional.

Someone can be so unaware of their stored-up anger that they don’t recognize their behavior is aggressive.

If you point it out, they’re surprised and likely will deny that they have any ill intentions because, in their mind, they don’t.

Another way people are passive-aggressive but don’t recognize it is by forgetting a lot, not showing up when they say they will, not following through on things, and not being reliable.

This person sees these behaviors as personal issues but doesn’t recognize their effects on others.

Sometimes, it’s an unconscious way of displaying anger.

An example is the teen who doesn’t show up on time for family events. Instead of directly expressing his anger toward his parents, he disappoints them regularly.

You could label this as “unintentionally intentional.”

How to Deal with Passive-Aggressive Behavior

There are two ways:

1. Confront directly
2. Retreat and avoid

Let’s start with confronting directly.

The Direct Approach

In most cases, directly confronting the behavior is the best way to stop it and discover the real issue.

However, there is a way to do it to get the results you want. I use a little acronym to remind myself how to approach it. It’s DRE, which stands for Direct-Respect-Empathy.

Direct means enquiring about:

• What the person is actually saying
• How they’re feeling
• What their intention is behind the behavior

Let’s try an example.

If you found out that a co-worker was bad-mouthing you to other colleagues or the boss, you could approach it by asking them directly if they’ve been talking about you negatively to your co-workers.

Always use specifics.

“I heard you told the boss I’m lazy and don’t do my work, causing everyone else to pick up my slack. Is that true? Is that what you think?”

Add to that a comment about their feelings and deliver it with empathy.

“If you think that, you must be angry or frustrated with me.”

Usually, that approach will open a direct discussion. You’ve caught them in the act but have focused on how they might be feeling, and you’ve done it with acceptance.

This allows them to tell you what’s on their mind directly and openly.

From there, you can inquire about what would make the situation better and come to an agreement.

Going straight for the feeling usually gets a direct response. Sometimes, you’ll still get a denial, but more often, you’ll find out what’s bothering them.

It doesn’t always work this way, but more often than not, showing concern and respect stops the passive-aggression and transforms the interaction into a direct and productive conversation.

You can end by setting a clear boundary. You could say,

“I’m sorry you were frustrated with me, but from now on, if you have a problem with me, please approach me directly so we can work it out. Agreed?”

You’ll get a yes in most cases.

You can use this approach for any intentional passive-aggressive behavior, including getting the silent treatment or being ignored.

The quick summary is:

1. Directly identify the behaviors bothering you
2. Ask what it’s about or what’s behind it
3. Inquire as to the person’s feelings about it
4. Show empathy when you can
5. Come to a resolution to the current issue
6. Establish a boundary for future interactions

If you get a flat-out denial or continued passive-aggressive behavior from this person, set a clear boundary with a more forceful confrontation. But always maintain respect. No counterattacking, sarcasm, or aggression on your part.

Retreat and Avoid

Some people will deny their behavior and emotions regardless of how accurately or directly you confront it. In those cases, it’s best not to pursue it.

You might decide to set a boundary anyway and tell them how you feel about the behavior as a means of putting them on notice.

If after confronting the behavior, someone continues to avoid or ignore you or give you the silent treatment, then let it go.

Some people are chronically angry yet aren’t aware of it or won’t deal with it.

If the person in question is someone you have to work with or stay in contact with, you may need to set boundaries more than once.

Usually, a direct approach will stop the behavior even if the person denies doing it in the first place.

Non-Specific Behaviors

Non-specific behaviors are those that don’t seem to be directed toward you personally yet are passive-aggressive.

These are the behaviors I mentioned above. They include always showing up late, forgetting, not following through on promises, giving weak performances, and letting other people carry the load.

These behaviors are usually a function of self-esteem issues, depression, anxiety, or attention problems. But they can also be an expression of anger.

Regardless, they do directly affect other people, and the lack of concern this person shows is a form of passive aggression. Sometimes, the behavior is intended to disappoint or frustrate others.

Again, the direct approach is the best method to confront these situations.

Something To Think About

Most people use passive-aggressive behavior at some point.

It’s always good to monitor your behavior to ensure that your communications are direct and respectful, even if you’re angry.

Use the list of examples provided above to examine whether there are behaviors you’d like to tweak.

Stick with the direct approach as much as possible in all your interactions, and use our little acronym (DRE).

That’s all for today!

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Arun Prakash on Unsplash

Imagine you’ve just finished a big project at your job and done an outstanding job. You worked on it with another colleague who contributed valuable input, but you did most of the work.

Your boss praises the finished product at a staff meeting but focuses most of his praise on your co-worker as though she did most of the work. You leave the staff meeting, retreat to your office, and have a meltdown.

Anyone might react the same way under the circumstances, but the reaction is magnified in this case because it hits one of your triggers.

You grew up in the shadow of a sibling your parents repeatedly favored and praised for their achievements. You could never measure up.

This is how triggers work. They come from previous experiences stored in your subconscious brain.

When something happens in the present that mirrors the previous experience (or even hints at it), you’re emotionally triggered, and your reactions are amplified, sometimes out of control.

Knowing your triggers can help you regain control and reduce that emotional fire.

I’ve got a plan for you, but first, you need to understand how your triggers develop.

How Emotional Triggers Are Developed

As we’ve already affirmed, triggers come from experiences stored in your memory.

However, what makes something a trigger is the intensity of the emotional impact it had on you when it happened. The more impactful the experience was, the stronger the trigger.

Some triggers come from a single experience, especially a traumatic one, and others come from repetitive experiences. That’s the case with our example above.

To complicate things more, some of them are unconscious, meaning you have no idea where they come from and are unable to trace them back to your experiences.

It could be that you repressed a memory or that you developed it early in life before you had language.

Our brains begin storing memories before we have the words to recall them. Even infants and toddlers store emotional memories of their experiences before they can label or think about them.

That’s why most people can’t remember their early years or only have snatches of memory.

However, if the emotional impact of an experience is intense, it will create a trigger.

In other words, you have an emotional trigger, but you don’t know why.

Regardless, you can still diminish a trigger in the present, even if you don’t know where it came from, and strip of its power over you.

Working With Your Triggers

There are two ways to go about working with your triggers:

1. Deal with them directly as they surface in the present.
2. Study them by identifying as many as you can and begin reducing them one at a time.

I’d suggest doing both.

Use the following 5-step exercise to conduct your study. Then, as you have experiences where an emotional trigger surfaces and you overreact, delve into the particular trigger causing the problem.

The Exercise

Step #1: Identify your triggers.

I’ve attached a PDF listing some of the more common triggers. Using this list, jot down any that apply to you. You can add any others you have that aren’t listed. Be specific.

Take your time with this.

As you make your list, memories that pertain to the trigger will pop up. Most triggers come from repetitive experiences, but not always.

As mentioned previously, a single traumatic experience can create a potent trigger.

Don’t worry if you can’t tie a trigger to a specific experience or memory. Just list it.

Step #2: Prioritize your list.

Put your most potent triggers at the top and go down from there.

These are the ones that create the most emotional reactivity for you.

This list will give you a place to start when you begin working on them.

Step #3: Link a trigger to an experience.

For this step, choose a trigger you want to target.

Once you have it in mind, recall a recent situation in which the trigger was ignited, and you overreacted.

Write it out in sequence so you can see it unwind.

• What started it?
• What was the sequence of events that rolled it out?
• How did you feel and behave in response to each action?

Try visualizing it as a movie in slow motion and see it from beginning to end from the actor’s point of view.

Step #4: Evaluate.

Now let’s take an objective view and evaluate.

1. Using your sequence, identify the spark that lit the fire. What words or actions set you off?
2. What does it remind you of? Are there previous experiences or patterns you can link them to? If not, don’t worry. Keep going.
3. Once it was sparked, where did your mind go? Were there any cognitive distortions on your end? In other words, did you exaggerate, overgeneralize, look at the incident from an all-or-nothing mindset, or distort the facts in any way? Triggers easily create distorted thinking and perception. Almost always.
4. Were your emotional responses too big or out of control? Most triggers create responses that are overkill for the situation at hand because you’re responding not only to that situation but to stored emotions.

Step #5: Reflect.

How could you have reacted to the situation if you hadn’t been triggered by it? How would your behavior be different?

Asking these questions and coming up with a different response will help you the next time you encounter the same trigger.

You’ll be able to recognize what’s happening sooner and calm yourself before it gets out of hand. You can also temporarily step out to regain your composure.

By turning your attention toward the trigger and looking at it, it loses some of its potency. You’re engaging your thinking brain.

The power of triggers is that they’re subconscious patterns that sneak through the back door without being monitored. Knowing and watching them keeps the door shut and puts you back in control.

Remember this:

There’s a line from the movie St. Elmo’s Fire that says, “That was then, and this is now.”

It’s a good mantra for dealing with triggers because you’re never exactly in the same situation now as you were when you developed it. You aren’t the same person, either.

The trigger may linger, but you have the power to react differently and take control of your experience.

You also have the power to diminish it. But only if you give it a no-holds-barred look and understand how it’s affecting your reactivity.

A Quick Review

Here’s the fast version:

1. Identify and become aware of your triggers.
2. Prioritize them in order of potency.
3. Tackle one at a time.
4. Review distorted thoughts and emotional reactivity, and consider how you could react differently.
5. Remember, you’re not in the same place you were when the trigger was initiated. You have control now.

The last thing to note is to be compassionate with yourself when you overreact.

It’s an emotional hijacking, not something you set out to do. But by working on your triggers, you can block that hijacking and take the wheel.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

I have a friend who lives in a continual vortex of indecision. She’s unable to figure out what she wants, partly because she wants everything. Her world is a giant exercise in overstimulation and overwhelm.

I heard something recently that spoke to this problem. It came from Seth Godin during an interview with Marie Forleo.

He described a woman at an ice cream parlor who had to choose between 30 flavors for her ice cream cone. She could only choose one.

His comment was, “When you choose this, you can’t have that.”

In other words:

When figuring out what you want, you must also decide what you don’t want or want less.

You can’t have everything. To focus on something, pursue it, and succeed, you must let other things go. Sometimes, those other things are things you also want, but not as much as that one thing.

That brings us back to the original question.

What do you really want, and what do you have to give up to pursue it with the attention and focus required to make it happen?

This question can pertain to a career, relationship, spiritual pursuit, or being a parent.

How Do You Decide?

Seth Godin offers three ideas to help you decide what to pursue.

1. Get very clear about your dream or goal. What will it look like when you succeed? Use specifics.
2. What change do you wish to make for yourself?
3. What contribution will it make? What do you have to offer that will meet others’ needs?

You can’t make good choices if you’re unclear about what you want to accomplish and what it will take to achieve it.

By answering these questions, you can evaluate more precisely whether this is something you can stay with for the long haul or something that you were initially excited about but, after more thought, would like to put on the back burner or abandon.

You’ll avoid hopping from thing to thing because you’re considering your long-term investment.

Now, let’s take a quick look at the attention bandits that prevent you from asking these questions and making good decisions.

The Variety Trap

We humans love novelty and variety.

You can have a burning interest in something, but if something else comes along that wows you, even temporarily, you get sidetracked.

Our brains are set up that way, and don’t the advertisers know it?

I struggle with this phenomenon all the time. I start a book I love and vow to finish, but then I get an email from Amazon dangling some new titles before my eyes, luring me in because Amazon knows what I like.

Before you know it, I’ve loaded a new book on my Kindle, and now I’m reading two books. I currently have three going, and if history is correct, I won’t finish them all.

When you allow yourself to cater to your natural tendency to seek novelty, you sacrifice the opportunity to get good at something or deepen your involvement in a worthy pursuit.

Decision Fatigue

This is a second trap. There are simply too many decisions to make every day, some of which can be avoided.

I grew up in the 1950s and 60s when computers, the internet, and cell phones were nonexistent. You had a phone on your kitchen wall and a car for getting around. Your TV was less than 19 inches wide, and you likely had a stereo system to play records or a radio.

If you wanted to talk to someone, you had to go see them. Communication was mainly face-to-face or on the telephone, but mostly face-to-face.

The most notable difference between that existence and our environment today is the amount of daily stimulation coming at you. Technology has made us accessible.

I had lots of open space to think, daydream, and relax.

Whereas today, stimulation comes at you (and me) relentlessly unless you manage to shut yourself away for a moment of respite.

Even when you do that, your mind speedily rolls along frenetically.

It’s like we’re living on speed, metaphorically, of course, but there are parallels.

Decision-making has increased exponentially with technology.

Daily, you decide what emails to read and respond to, podcasts to listen to, social media to engage with, shows to watch, and work to do.

Then there’s all the regular decision-making that comes with caring for yourself, your home, and your family.

Those decisions have also skyrocketed because of the increase in everyone’s activity levels.

You probably don’t recognize how many decisions you make in a day because it’s become automatic, nor how much energy it requires.

We’ve become master jugglers, but it’s much easier to drop the balls now because of the overload.

The Dopamine Push

Part of becoming the master juggler is imposed on you by the current tech-oriented culture.

But a second part of it comes from the addictive nature of dopamine.

The dopamine chant is “more is better.”

When you first get the hang of juggling, it’s exciting. But after a while, it’s boring, So you add more balls. Eventually, that’s boring, too. So you juggle knives. Now you’re rockin!

But then that becomes a little boring, so you move to torches that are on fire! Ooh, this is better!

The pay-off for increasing stimulation and the anticipation of more keeps that dopamine flowing, which gives you that temporary lift.

Unfortunately, this perpetual state of overstimulation creates too much arousal for your body and brain to handle.

When you pursue too many things, too much novelty, and fast-moving shiny objects, four things happen:

1. You crash and feel completely exhausted and depleted.
2. You create a cycle of significant bursts of energy followed by dips and a roller coaster of emotions.
3. Lose your ability to focus on one thing at a time.
4. Get worse at handling obstacles and problems that surface.

Caving into this kind of existence robs you of the drive and self-discipline to choose what’s most important to you and pursue it persistently so that you experience the rewards of living consciously, purposefully, and with deep satisfaction.

Back to What You Want

Here’s a three-step process to figure this out.

1. Make the list.

Write down all the things that are important to you. This list differs from what you’ll pursue; it’s everything you desire. You can include work, creative pursuits, relationships, health, spirituality, and hobbies. This is your wish list. It may also include things you’re already involved in.

2. Specify and narrow.

Take your list and turn it into actual, specific goals. What would you like to accomplish, and what does that look like? What would it take to reach them?

Your first list was a general outline on your canvas. Now, you’re filling in the shapes and colors on your canvas.

3. Weigh opportunity costs.

“Opportunity cost” means when deciding between several actions, what does pursuing one cost you in terms of the other, and which gets you the most bang for your buck?

In other words, you can’t do it all, so which of these goals will bring the most gratification and results you want, and which do you have to leave behind to pursue those you’ve chosen?

This step is the most significant and challenging because it involves letting go of things you want to do. You have to become very single-minded.

If you’re having trouble making choices, go through each goal or thing you want and ask yourself what obstacles you will encounter. Sometimes, that question helps to clarify things.

If you want to be a good Dad, attentive husband, writer, a top employee at work, and superior golfer, which of those is most important? What will it take to do them, and what do you need to let go of or change to make it work?

Marie Forleo calls this process “simplify to amplify.” It’s a perfect description and motto you can use for any goal or endeavor.

Full Circle

No matter what kind of goal or activity you want to excel in or make the most of, identifying precisely what you want will entail letting go of something else you want.

You can return to it later if you still want it, but don’t sacrifice focus on that most important thing by cluttering it with incoming stimuli and the anxiety of always wanting more or being afraid of missing out.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Suggested Reading:

Essentialism by Greg McKeown
The One Thing by Gary Keller
Deep Work by Cal Newport

Photo by Timothy Dykes on Unsplash

I once saw a couple in therapy initiated by the wife who was unhappy with the relationship. She was depressed and felt angry much of the time but kept it to herself.

It quickly became apparent that she had given up her power and felt controlled by her husband. She had no voice in the relationship.

It wasn’t that he was particularly abusive, although he sometimes stood on the edge of it, but more that he dominated her.

Yet, she consistently gave him permission to do that but wasn’t aware of it.

What was puzzling was that he clearly couldn’t live without her. She had plenty of leverage but didn’t use it.

We’ll come back to this couple later on. But now, I’m asking you:

How do you use your power? Do you give too much away, exert too much, or use it judiciously and in the best interest of yourself and others?

Most of us don’t think about these questions, but it’s an important issue that plays a starring role in your relationships.

Let’s start with the origins of personal power.

Where Does Your Power Come From?

Most people would say it’s an outgrowth of having confidence. That’s partially true, but it begins long before your confidence crystalizes.

Personal power starts with your sense of self.

That’s rather vague, so let’s break it down into components. There are five:

1. Having a sense of worth
2. Accepting your emotions and being willing to feel and express them
3. Recognizing your unique personal gifts and talents
4. Developing self-compassion
5. Being able to set boundaries for yourself when needed

In short, you must embrace your authentic self and feel you have worth and value.

From there, you develop skills, competence, and confidence.

Your power is a natural expression of who you are. You can use it to enhance your life and the lives of others.

Things go awry when any of those original components are not developed and bleed into your sense of agency and power.

Most of us fall somewhere along the continuum, either expressing too little or too much power. Either way, the origin of the problem is the same:

If you feel less than others, you either submit and succumb to those who willingly overpower you, or you find people you can control and rule.

Our original couple played out both sides of this problem in their relationship.

The wife came from a family with an overbearing father who ran the show and didn’t allow anyone, including his wife, to question his authority. Likewise, the husband had a similar family structure, and he felt bullied by his father.

Your history can set you up to have difficulty using your power correctly.

How Do You Take Your Power Back?

Have you ever faced down a bully?

In most cases, when you do that, the bully backs down.

Not always. You wouldn’t face down someone who has a history of violence. We’ll come back to that.

In general, if you recognize that someone or something is overpowering you, start by asking yourself these questions:

• How and in what ways are they doing it?
• How am I giving permission for it? Don’t confuse this question with the idea that you’re okay with it or that it’s your fault, but look at specific behaviors you’re engaging in that give that permission. You may not be aware of them.
• What emotions hold you back from exerting your power? This is the most critical question. You won’t be able to change anything until you acknowledge and begin challenging those feelings. Fear is often at the base of the problem.
• What’s the cost to me of continuing as I am?
• What are the best and worst case scenarios of challenging (whoever or whatever situation)?

Once you’re clear on how you’re giving away your power, lay out a plan for regaining it. Try these strategies.

Strategies That Work

Start small unless you feel confident that a serious and thoughtful conversation will be received. Usually, patterns that have been in place for a long time are difficult to unravel.

1. Demand basic respect.

You can accomplish this by letting the offending person know how you feel when treated disrespectfully. Point out the behavior, say how it makes you feel, and then explain how you would rather be approached.

When you do it this way, you aren’t blaming or attacking. You’re setting a boundary.

Use “I” messages throughout and stay calm. That’s key.

If being disrespected is a regular behavior, you’ll likely have to set the boundary more than once and maybe many times until the other person knows you mean it.

Don’t sugarcoat, but don’t attack. Be respectful yourself.

2. Check your tendency to enable.

This is the second part of your one-two punch. First, you demand respect, and then you stop enabling the other person to be in control.

Remember that you can only lose your power if you’re willing to give it away.

Write down all your behaviors that tell the other person they can control you and what you do. Examples are:

• Taking on more responsibility than is fair or equitable
• Not participating in decision-making
• Not voicing your ideas, concerns, and thoughts
• Suppressing your feelings
• Allowing yourself to be taken advantage of, disrespected, or both
• Walking on eggshells
• Ignoring your needs

As you write these out, add the actual behaviors that reflect these trends. You want to identify specific behaviors to target.

Once you’ve done that, begin changing one behavior at a time until the other person (or people) accepts it.

3. Show appreciation

This sounds counterintuitive, I know, but it’s not if it’s used alongside the above strategies.

When you show genuine appreciation or note the behaviors you like, you’ll find that even the most negative, crotchety, controlling person will respond positively.

This works exceptionally well when you’re setting boundaries against behavior you don’t like.

You’re modeling what you want.

In most cases, if you’ve given up your power in a relationship, you’ve also built up a cache of resentment and don’t feel much empathy or appreciation for the other person. Not always, but likely.

So, it helps to add that piece back in as you’re making it clear that you’re taking your power back.

That doesn’t mean it will go smoothly, but it will work better with some appreciation added in. You want to tip toward the positive.

How Long Does It Take?

It depends on the people involved, how entrenched the old patterns are, and how acute the situation is.

In the case of our couple, things had become very sour between them, and they couldn’t work at it by themselves, hence therapy. They eventually restored their relationship with mutual effort and commitment to the process.

Some people resolve it on their own. But if you can’t, seek help.

Not Just For Couples

Taking your power back can apply in many situations.

All relationships involve power.

The closer the relationship and time spent together, the more power is involved. Close friendships, job relationships, and especially family relationships apply.

You can work on gaining or releasing your power in any of these situations. The same strategies can be used and adapted to fit.

A balance of power means that both (or all parties) count. Everyone is seen, heard, and valued.

What to Do When Violence is An Issue

Taking back your power from someone who’s violent or scary is a different problem. In those cases, you must get help from someone who can offer more assistance.

Look for someone who is experienced in dealing with domestic violence. There are usually agencies available in most areas to help.

What if My Efforts Fail?

If the other person involved isn’t willing to participate in changing the power dynamics between you, and you’ve tried all the strategies, you may decide to leave the relationship.

Friendships are sometimes this way. You have a friend who subtly controls you or takes advantage of you and, when confronted, isn’t willing to change. This may be a friend you can do without.

Each case is individual, and you can decide what’s in your best interest.

The goal is to engage in relationships with mutual respect and empathy and where everyone has a voice.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by kupicoo, Courtesy of iStock Photo

If your relationship is cracking under the stress of everyday life, you can give it a shot in the arm in just a week.

Instead of analyzing it through a magnifying glass and lamenting what’s wrong, do the opposite. Give it some love with small acts that are easy to do yet provide a powerful infusion of energy and positivity.

They won’t solve all your problems, but they’ll create an atmosphere that makes it easier to approach them.

Here are fifteen ideas you can choose from. Add anything else you think can do the job.

The objective is to connect and lift the overall mood for both of you.

You can also use these strategies for other relationships when they apply.

1. Ask your partner how she feels today.

Listen intently with empathy and interest. Ask questions, but don’t offer solutions unless asked. Be present, make eye contact, turn off your phone, and give your full attention.

2. Wash the dishes after dinner.

Or you can choose something else you don’t normally do. Don’t make a big deal out of doing it, and don’t expect anything in return. Focus only on alleviating your partner’s stress.

3. Take care of the kids for a few hours to give your partner a break.

Let her do something she enjoys or have some alone time. It could be taking a nap, going somewhere with a friend, or reading on the back porch.

Make sure you do it with a cheerful attitude. Your kids will love it, too.

4. Verbalize three sincere affirmations about your partner.

Be authentic, and make sure you don’t deliver them with backhanded criticisms folded in. Mean what you say.

If you’re not used to complimenting your partner, they might not respond immediately because it feels strange initially, but do it anyway and just let it be. It’ll sink in and have a positive effect, even if not immediately.

5. Offer verbal appreciation for something your partner does.

This is slightly different than affirmations. Affirmations usually apply to someone’s personality characteristics or skills. In this case, focus on things your partner does, especially those that benefit you or your family.

The idea is to notice your partner’s contributions out loud. Verbalize one thing every day for a week.

This is a powerful tool to heal wounds. Everyone responds well to being appreciated.

6. Touch base with your partner during the day.

Make a phone call or send a text to say hi and check in. This doesn’t need to be lengthy. The purpose of this contact is to let your partner know you’re thinking about him.

7. When you go to work, leave a note.

You can say you hope your partner has a good day, or it can be something more personal. Make sure you leave it where they’ll find it.

If you’re staying home and your partner’s going to work, put it on the car dashboard, tape it to the window, or place it on top of papers in her briefcase.

8. Let your partner sleep in one day on the weekend.

Take over the kids, feed the dog, and bring your partner coffee in bed when he wakes up. Another idea is to make coffee in the morning for him before he gets up so it’s ready.

9. Watch a favorite movie or TV show together.

Make it a date night at home. Choose something you both want to see. Put the kids to bed, settle in comfortably in your favorite spots, and watch. Add some popcorn for fun!

10. Take a walk together outside and chat.

Walking outside together creates an instant change in environment that’s calming and removes the stress of work and home.

Walks set up an atmosphere for relaxed interchange. If you have a dog, take him along.

11. Offer a heartfelt apology for something you’ve done to distress or hurt your partner.

It doesn’t have to be long or drawn out, but it must be sincere and accompanied by making amends if needed.

Saying you’re sorry isn’t a hit to your ego. It’s a way to show genuine empathy for someone else.

12. Take something off your partner’s plate to relieve their stress.

It could be making an appointment, working from home to deal with the plumbing repair, or gassing up your partner’s car before the work week starts.

Ask what would help if you aren’t sure, but likely, you already know things that would help. The fact that you notice these things means as much as doing them.

13. Ask your partner what you can do to make her feel more loved.

This could become a more extensive discussion, but keep it simple. You could make a list for each other, giving both of you things to choose from.

Do one of these things each day for a week. You’d be amazed at the power this has to transform a relationship.

14. Avoid making sarcastic or critical remarks for an entire week.

At the same time, comment on something that’s going well once a day. Because we tend to notice the negative, verbalizing at least one positive observation daily is soothing to everyone.

15. Surprise your partner with plans to do something you both enjoy.

Buy tickets for a new movie, make reservations at a restaurant, or plan a day at the beach.

Choose something that doesn’t involve work for your partner to set up. Make it easy for them just to show up and go.

Use These Guidelines

All the ideas we’ve listed above are meant to help your partner feel seen and appreciated. These guidelines will help.

Give without expectations to receive.

When you do something for someone you think will make them happy, it’s easy to expect a particular reaction. And you might get that, but you might not.

Your partner could be overwhelmed, too tired or stressed to show much reaction, or surprised.

If you’ve rarely done some of these things, you might generate some suspicion as to your motives.

Whatever the case, do your best to give of yourself freely without expectations. The effect will be positive, even if it’s not immediately apparent.

Above all, don’t keep score!

Don’t try them all at once.

If you do that, you’ll surely raise suspicions and might overwhelm your partner.

Choose a couple to begin with. This will allow your partner to notice that something’s different and give them time to appreciate your effort.

Add in a couple each week if you like, or more if things are going well. Your goals are:

1. To create more connection and closeness.
2. Increase your mutual receptivity to each other.
3. Show you care.
4. Reduce negative trends such as resentment, distrust, and annoyance.

When you see a shift in the relationship and feel reconnected, tackling complex issues and working together will be easier and less polarizing.

Last Note

If you don’t have a partner, you can use these same ideas with a child if you’re a parent or someone you live with.

You can extract from them and use appropriate ones with family members and friends, especially if you need to lift the relationship.

A side benefit of these exercises is that you will increase your empathy and emotional intelligence as you practice them. It’s a win-win!

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by fizkes, Courtesy of iStock Photo

How loud is the “mean girl “ voice in your head? And when and how does she make herself known?

You may not like the analogy of “mean girl,” but bear with me. You can refer to her simply as your “inner critic” if that feels better.

There are many ways the mean girl comes to life and gives you a hard time, but let’s talk about a particular scenario. You’ll recognize it because it’s so common, and you’ll find it helpful to know how to handle it.

It’s called neurotic looping. That’s the clinical name for it, but it’s pretty simple. I’ll walk you through it and tell you how to bypass it.

How Neurotic Looping Works

The Initiation

You have a negative experience of some kind, like arguing with a friend, leaving your keys in the car and locking it, or arriving late to work and getting an icy stare from your boss.

This is the initial phase.

The Reaction

You react to the experience, usually emotionally, accompanied by self-talk about what happened.

Let’s use the last scenario as an example. You’re late to work, and you get the icy look from your boss.

You might initially feel shame because of that look, followed by anger and anxiety. Your thoughts are coming fast to justify the situation.

Why is my boss so rigid? Really? Is it that bad to be late once in a while? I work hard. He’s being ridiculous.

Besides, the traffic was horrible this morning, and my kids took FOREVER to get ready for school. Am I supposed to be perfect?

This flurry of thoughts usually focuses on blaming yourself, someone else, or other circumstances. It’s an attempt to alleviate your discomfort with your feelings.

The Reaction to the Reaction

The third phase comes later, after you’ve settled down.

You’re back home, the workday’s over, and you’ve plopped down on the couch. You’re ruminating about what happened.

Only this time, you’re having a different type of reaction. You’re globalizing your emotions.

You’re thinking something like,

I’m a screwup. Why can’t I be more responsible?

Or maybe ,

My life’s a train wreck. I have too much to do, and I can’t seem to get out from under it. It’s like this every day.

You end the evening feeling tired, depressed, and unhappy with yourself.

Your “mean girl” voice has taken up residence.

The Trajectory of the Process

Now, let’s examine the trajectory of this three-part process.

Step 1: Something negative and stressful happens.

Step 2: You have an emotional reaction and a barrage of thoughts. Your thoughts are attempts to find a place for the feelings so you don’t have to feel them. This is where the process goes awry. You’re fighting the discomfort and looking for a way to project it elsewhere.

Step 3: Finally, you react again to your initial reaction by unleashing your inner critic – your “mean girl” voice – who pelts you with criticism, self-doubt, shame, hopelessness, or resistance.

Regardless of the shape that voice takes, you feel depressed, helpless, or anxious.

That’s the neurotic loop:

1. A negative event
2. An attempt to avoid the feelings via blame
3. Internalize the situation by exaggerating and inflating your lack of worth or life circumstances.

Neurotic looping doesn’t happen every time there’s a negative experience. It depends on how you’re feeling at the time and whether you have tendencies toward critical self-talk, but it can happen to anyone.

It can also become a regular pattern that takes up much of your energy.

Let’s talk about how you can stop the process.

How to Stop Neurotic Looping

The First Intervention

The first two parts of neurotic looping run together, and you can intervene as soon as you begin reacting to what’s happened.

Your initial reaction is an attempt to avoid feeling the full brunt of your emotions, so the strategy is to allow yourself to feel your reaction fully until it begins to subside.

To do that successfully, you need to dispense with creating a narrative about what it means. This is the difficult step.

Returning to our example, if you arrived late and your boss gave you that icy stare, you would react emotionally. That’s natural.

And you’d probably have several different feelings like we mentioned above – shame, anger, stress, anxiety.

Allow yourself to feel them without trying to get away. Lean in.

That’s not easy, especially if shame or anger is involved.

The strategy is to feel and watch your emotions simultaneously while telling yourself it’s okay to let them wind out without trying to categorize or explain them.

Shame is especially tough to weather, but you can do it.

Don’t suppress your feelings, but also do not overreact to them.

The Second Intervention

When your emotions have calmed, and you don’t have the impulse to explain them away, it’s time to problem-solve.

Ask yourself questions like:

• Can I prevent this situation from occurring again?
• Are there any actions I need to take to repair it?
• And if other people are involved, can you look at what happened from the other person’s point of view?

Consider these questions without beating yourself up. Focus on using what happened to learn and make changes if needed.

I recently did something without thinking that caused someone else some distress. I felt horrible about it, but I made myself sit with that feeling for a while without allowing the mean girl to get in my head.

My self-talk consisted of only one sentence: “Yep, you did that.” I was uncomfortable, but I made myself admit and accept what I’d done. That cleared the way to decide how to make amends without sinking into extended self-recrimination.

When you use this approach, you eliminate the third step in neurotic looping.

You don’t allow yourself to loop back and continue ruminating and overreacting.

One of the most demanding challenges we all face is admitting to making mistakes and dealing with their repercussions without inflicting more punishment or blaming something or someone else.

You feel like that person sitting in a dark room with a spotlight on you, and everyone’s looking at you from the shadows. It makes you squirm.

But you don’t have to squirm. You can offer yourself acceptance and then make improvements.

You must allow yourself to feel your way through without the “mean girl” stepping in.

The Repercussions of Neurotic Looping

If you use a lot of thought looping, you’ll likely be chronically depressed or anxious.

That’s what the term neurosis refers to. It’s a repetitive pattern used to deal ineffectively with negative emotions.

Part of the problem is that we filter all our experiences through the lens of stories we create about them. Something happens, and then you construct a story about it and react based on it.

Everything you experience is funneled through your narration of that experience.

You do that even with your internal experiences. You tell stories about how you feel and what you think about things.

You create scenarios with entire conversations and then react to them as though they’re real.

It’s no wonder we love novels. We are novels to some degree, and we’re the authors.

The creativity aspect is good because it’s through imagination that we evolve. However, the downside is that the stories you tell yourself to avoid emotions, situations, and change can be damaging.

The task is to give your creativity full range, but in circumstances where that’s helpful and productive.

When it comes to your inner critic, being tuned into what’s most accurate is beneficial.

That requires keeping an eye on cognitive distortions while allowing your emotions to arise with an eye toward mindfulness.

You’re the feeler, narrator, and observer. Make sure your stories don’t take you on a neurotic tailspin.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

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Photo by jacoblund, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Do you have too much to do? Too many things bouncing around your brain, clamoring for your attention?

If not, I congratulate you. You’ve either figured out a system to manage it all, or you have a more relaxed lifestyle that allows you to do one thing at a time without much stress.

For most of us, the first situation applies. We’re overloaded and have many open loops chronically nagging at us and depleting our energy.

An open loop is a task you know you need to do but have put off, yet it buzzes around in your head like a fly you can’t get rid of.

You might use avoidance as a strategy to deal with it, but that only allows it to nag you louder, and there will be repercussions that might come back to bite you.

The only solution is to figure out how to close the loop.

Today, I’ll give you strategies for managing and closing open loops so you can breathe and regain some control over your workload.

Let’s start with how your brain handles open loops.

The Zeigarnik Effect

The Zeigarnik Effect was discovered by psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik in 1927 and later expanded upon by other researchers who sought ways to use it.

Essentially, it refers to our tendency to remember unfinished or uninterrupted tasks more easily than completed ones.

Your brain hangs on to things you haven’t completed and keeps reminding you of them.

Sometimes, the reminders are loud and continuous, and sometimes, they sink into your subconscious, so they aren’t readily available, but they drain your energy all the same.

You get an email from your boss about a report that’s due, but you have to go to a meeting. While at the meeting, you ruminate about the work you need to do on the report and only half-listen to the discussion.

Or you’re cooking dinner but worrying about where you’ll find the time to participate in a project you signed up for at your daughter’s school.

Each time you remember an open loop, you get a jolt of stress (or arousal).

Depending on how long the loop’s been open and how urgent it is, you may have strong emotional reactions such as resentment or shame.

It doesn’t matter whether you think you shouldn’t be thinking about it now; it’s still there and will keep nagging you until you pay attention.

Your brain won’t let you off the hook. It may play hide-and-seek with you, but that’s not helping you either.

Outside of the obvious – just do it – how can you handle these open loops?

There are two ways to approach it. One is to close the loop, and the other is to manage it. Let’s review these and make a plan.

Week One: Close Loops

This first week, you’re going to focus on closing loops. Follow these steps.

Step #1: Conduct an inventory.

The first thing to do is take a thorough inventory of all the loops you have open. You might want to resist doing that because it feels overwhelming, but you’ll be more overwhelmed and use more energy trying to keep your mind off them.

Write them all down and see what they look like on paper (or on a screen). It’s better to know and see the whole picture at once so you can start dismantling the load and get some relief.

Step #2: Close easy loops.

Identify the loops that you can quickly close. This will include the following:

1. Tasks you can do in less than an hour from beginning to end. Start with the easiest and fastest ones – those you can do in ten minutes.
2. Things you decide you don’t want to do because you’ve either lost interest or it’s something you don’t need to do. Maybe you can delegate it. Let it go and take it off your list (and out of your head).

The point of this step is to prune your list as much as possible so that only the things you truly need to do or want to do remain.

Step #3: Go for quantity.

See how many loops you can close in a week. Spend this first week only doing that. You can leave the more complex loops on your list for now, but this first step is to get that list down.

Week Two: Set up a management system.

For this part, you’ll learn how to use the Zeigarnik Effect to your advantage.

Because your brain keeps returning to open loops, it can help you reach your goals because it’s harder to let go of them. However, you have to do this in a way that doesn’t deplete you or cause too much stress.

That sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it? But when done right, it works. Here are the steps to succeed.

Step #1: Define the goal.

For open loops requiring more time than those you closed up in the first week, use this process:

1. Start by defining the goal and what it will look like when finished. Finished means all the actions have been completed, and you can cross the goal off your list and forget it.
2. Begin with loops that are more pressing that you need to do sooner. We’ll get to long-term goals in a bit.

Step #2: Divide into smaller tasks.

Next, break your goals into small tasks and schedule them. Scheduling means writing them on a list, calendar, or both. If you don’t do that, you’re more likely not to complete the task or not do it at all.

Be specific.

If you’ve read many of my other blogs on productivity, you already know this strategy. Essentially, you’re setting up small, doable goals you can complete.

Once you’ve listed and scheduled everything, leave it.

The beauty of doing this is that once you have your list made and scheduled, you no longer need to repeatedly obsess about it to keep a handle on it. That’s what’s so stressful.

Why This Works

Here’s how the Zeigarnik Effect helps you with this method:

Each task is a single loop. By starting and finishing one task at a time, you close the loop, which feels good. You can mark off your list.

But because there are more tasks (more loops) ahead, your brain keeps you alerted and helps you continue.

In this way, the Zeigarnik Effect helps you build momentum, and your motivation to finish strengthens.

For example, if you need to study for an exam, breaking up your study sessions over days helps you retain the information better than cramming it all into one lengthy session.

Each study session is a single loop you close. And because you have more studying ahead, your brain keeps you primed for learning and remembering, which motivates you to keep closing loops. That’s why breaking large tasks into smaller ones is such an effective strategy.

What about big loops that I don’t need to close immediately?

When you do your initial inventory of open loops in the first step, divide your loops into several categories, such as:

1. Easy to close: Less than an hour.
2. Time constricted: Must close within a specific time frame. These would include more urgent loops.
3. Long-term: Goals you need to finish at some later date. You can still create a task list for these goals and schedule them over an extended period of time.
4. Deferred: You have things you need to do, but there is no urgency, and they aren’t taking up much brain space. Place these on your deferred list, and you can move them up when you have the time and are ready to tackle them.
5. Ongoing goals with no end: Create loops you can keep closing. Otherwise, you’ll lag and feel dissatisfied with your progress.

Having your loops categorized this way helps to keep your brain less cluttered and more efficient.

Review your entire list once a week to ensure you haven’t missed anything or need to move something up.

When you have a sound system in place to minimize open loops, you’ll not only be less stressed but also enjoy working more. You’ll have more downtime and the emotional energy to savor your accomplishments.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

P.S. If procrastination is an ongoing problem, read ​Do the Work​ by Steven Pressfield. It’s very short and to the point.