Photo by fizkes, Courtesy of iStock Photo

What’s the biggest reason people seek marriage counseling?

Take a guess.

Most people will say communication.

That’s close, but it’s more specific than that.

It’s the inability to resolve conflicts verbally.

One way to upgrade your conflict-resolution skills is to recognize and eliminate the obstacles that get in the way.

When you address these, you’ll get better at talking through problems.

Let’s start with emotional reactivity.

1. Emotional Reactivity

Most people operate under the belief that emotional reactions have a life of their own and, consequently, you can’t control them. If you do, it takes tremendous effort.

Very often, the solution used is to suppress your emotions. If you can do that, you don’t have to react to them.

But, as we all know, that doesn’t often work. And if it does, it’s only a temporary solution because those emotions will surface again under similar circumstances.

A better approach is to train yourself to handle emotional reactions without much effort and without trying to suppress or repress them. Even if you’re very emotional, you can do that successfully.

The solution is to give your emotions space every time they arise.

So what does that mean?

It means letting them come up.

If they’re overwhelming, you can take a break until the fire dies down, or you can take a step back and observe the reaction as you have it without acting on it.

By becoming proficient at approaching your reactions with mindfulness, you can train yourself to use it automatically whenever you have an emotional reaction – even a positive one.

Get in the practice of watching your emotions ebb and flow as you experience them.

With regular practice, you’ll get good at putting space between your reactions and your responses.

You’ll gain a sense of “you” separate from your thoughts and emotions.

This “you” or “I” has the control. It’s the captain of emotional your ship.

2. The Need to Assert Yourself (or Be Right)

A second issue when conflicts arise is having a strong urge to assert yourself – your opinions, thoughts, emotions, and responses.

When someone says something to you that you disagree with or take issue with, the urge to defend and correct is intense. You want to be right.

The stronger you disagree, the more intense the urge becomes and the more impulsive your response.

The unspoken underlying belief that creates this urge is that if you don’t defend, you agree.

And if the issue pertains to a value you hold dear, the need to defend is stronger because your identity is threatened.

That’s why people become so fiery when the subject matter is something of particular value to them.

The way to get around this is to recognize that listening to someone’s assertions or ideas, even if they’re opposite of yours, does not imply agreement.

Nor is it penetrating your sense of self.

You could listen to someone rant for thirty minutes about something you disagree with, but that doesn’t change your stance unless they happen to say something that resonates with you.

When you know and remember this, you can calmly hear someone out before jumping in and defending.

You can ask questions and encourage them to elaborate and voice their thoughts and feelings without jumping in and defending or correcting them.

That skill is the most important one for successfully resolving conflicts. It allows you to see the other person’s point of view with insight and empathy. It creates a connection between you and them, so you’re on the same side.

You’ll have your turn, but your responses will be more effective and potent if you thoroughly listen first and understand the other person’s perspective.

3. Backstories

Backstories add layers to conflicts.

Backstories are your previous attempts to resolve an issue. You may have had the same conversation more than several times and been unsuccessful.

Or worse, you’ve been upset about something for a long time and not verbalized it. So, by the time the subject finally surfaces, you’ve built up a vault of resentment and anger that will likely spew once you allow yourself to express it.

The best approach to preventing this is to discuss and resolve problems when they arise rather than allowing them to build up.

If you have difficulty resolving an issue, dedicate yourself to pursuing it until you meet success.

Get help if needed, or divide your attempts to discuss the problem over several talks rather than all at once.

However you decide to do it, the goal is not to let it sit and fester.

Conflicts with long backstories are much more complex to resolve.

4. Resentment and Grudges

Built-up resentment can morph into grudges. And grudges are destructive – to you and the person you have a grudge against.

When you hold a grudge against someone, you ruminate about it.

You review the offending incident repetitively in your mind, building and embellishing the story each time, focusing on how you were mistreated. With each review, your anger builds.

People can hold grudges for years.

The problem is that ruminating about what happened doesn’t affect anyone but you. You feel miserable and more as time passes.

It spills into other interactions you have, either with the same person or in similar circumstances.

Grudges don’t offer anything of value. They hurt you and may hurt your future relationships.

If you can’t resolve them with the offending person, you need to work on letting them go for your own sanity and mental health.

Part of that entails recognizing the other person’s issues that led to their behavior and maybe empathizing with them.

It also requires you to dispel some of your assumptions and cognitive distortions about what happened.

We’re storytellers, and we can turn a single incident into a novel that’s unrelated to what originally happened.

Watch your grudges and resolve them before they grow.

5. Assumptions

Many conflicts arise or are exacerbated by your assumptions about what someone is thinking, feeling, or doing.

Before jumping to conclusions, assume the role of an investigator and gather the facts without prejudice before deciding what’s going on or what the other person or persons are thinking and intending.

Slow down the process.

When you investigate, you move from emotional mode to thinking mode. You become calmer, gain emotional distance, and create mental space to examine what’s happening.

Being an investigator and listening are the two most essential skills for successfully approaching and resolving conflicts. And they go together.

You listen, ask questions, dig deeper, and get a complete picture of the other person’s feelings and thoughts. You find out how they arrived there, what they’re afraid of, and their intentions.

When you have all of that information, your response will be thoughtful and informed. You’ll be able to connect even when you strongly disagree.

That’s because instead of focusing only on what you disagree with, you’ll focus on the whole person. This will allow you to protect the relationship while working through the conflict.

Or, if you know you don’t want to continue a relationship, you can leave it with resolve and know you did your best to make it work.

6. All-or-Nothing Thinking

All-or-nothing thinking implies two opposing sides: one is right, and one is wrong.

To resolve conflicts in a way that protects the integrity of the relationship, you need a win-win. Both people should feel heard, respected, and understood.

Even in cases where you agree to disagree, there must be a mutual sense that each person’s point of view is understood.

Keep that in the front of your mind when you’re approaching a disagreement or conflict, and practice maintaining respect throughout and giving the other person plenty of time to explain what’s on their mind.

Ask questions with curiosity and show empathy for their feelings.

If you do that, along with being a good listener and investigator, you’ll get good at negotiating and resolving contentious issues.

You’ll also preserve and deepen your relationships.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Suggested Reading:
Be An Empathetic Detective to Improve Your Relationships
How to Truly Connect With Someone: Whole Being Listening

Photo by Photo by Ashley Light on Unsplash

We all have comfort zones. They’re familiar places and situations that don’t challenge us much. They’re easy and don’t require a lot of energy.

Some of them, like regular self-care routines, are good for you. But many of them are not.

These are the ones you get stuck in, and instead of providing a respite, they’re a means of avoidance. They’re ingrained patterns of dealing with particular situations and emotions you want to side-step.

It’s in your best interest to become aware of your comfort zones and only keep those that serve you well.

Today, I’m sharing five comfort zones I had to let go of. You may have some of the same ones. I’ll show you how they work and how you can become more aware of yours.

The first one is well-known!

1. People-Pleasing

If you’re the oldest child in your family, you likely know all about people-pleasing, although it can be a comfort zone for anyone regardless of family position.

For me, people-pleasing has always been a means of accomplishing three things:

1. Gaining acceptance and admiration for what I can do.
2. Avoiding confrontations or anger directed toward me.
3. Keeping the peace. Especially keeping the peace!

Now, the thing about any comfort zone is that you get both primary and secondary gains.

The primary gains are apparent, like my list above. These are overt, conscious gains you get.

Secondary gains are not so noticeable, but it’s essential to identify them. If you don’t do that, the behavior will operate automatically.

My secondary gains in people-pleasing are:

1. Avoiding confrontations.
2. Avoid feeling the brunt of someone’s displeasure with me.

That raises the question:

“Is a comfort zone like people-pleasing only negative?”

No, it’s not.

Some comfort zones have positive and negative benefits, and people-pleasing is one of those.

Caretakers and managers have valuable skills, and helping others is healthy, but only when it doesn’t cost anyone. Using it to avoid who you are and what’s important to you is detrimental.

I had to redefine people-pleasing as a means of using my managerial skills to serve others, but not at the expense of my well-being.

That required getting good at setting boundaries and not worrying so much about being liked or dealing with someone’s displeasure.

If this is one of your comfort zones, work on boundary-setting. It’s may be difficult at first, but the more you do it, the easier and more automatic it will become.

In the process, you’ll let go of this costly comfort zone and still help others when you want to.

2. Chronic Depression

Being depressed is not a sought-after comfort zone.

The label itself isn’t entirely accurate because being depressed is not comfortable and is rarely within your control.

No one seeks out depression, and in some cases, it’s a severe problem.

That said, chronic depression can oddly become a comfort zone of sorts. It’s a place to retreat, albeit a painful one. It’s familiar.

I saw a young woman in therapy once who admitted to me that one evening, as she sat on her bed lamenting her life, which she often did, she felt the shadow of depression moving into her consciousness and, for a fleeting moment, felt pleasure in its presence.

She explained,

“It’s familiar. It’s my old, ugly friend that never deserts me.” She added, “Sick, huh??”

No, not really. It exemplifies the human need for familiarity, and if you’ve grown up around depression and with depression, it becomes a part of your identity.

It’s like living in an old, bug-ridden shack of a house that, on the surface, you don’t like, but it’s home. Not a good home, but home nevertheless.

Being depressed is a painful experience that blunts your emotional and physical energy to perform life duties. It lends itself to oversleeping, binge-watching TV, crying in some cases, and having little interest in much of anything other than vegetating.

The secondary gains are that you can spend time beating yourself up for what you’re not accomplishing, which leads to more depression, and at the same time, avoid interacting with your life.

A circular trap of “retreat – avoid – punish” keeps you isolated and immobile.

I used to call it the abyss, and most people who’ve experienced chronic depression all agree that’s what it feels like.

Thinking about depression as a comfort zone (or habitual pattern) can help you begin to unravel it.

Most people with chronic depression seek out help, but some don’t. It is necessary to get help and recognize secondary gains in the process of working it through.

It’s a longer process, but you can successfully emerge from it, and once you do, it doesn’t return. Your identity and sense of worth change.

3. Procrastination

Procrastination is the most common comfort zone on this list.

The secondary gains of procrastinating are easy to identify. You get to avoid what you don’t want to do.

You can instead engage in pleasurable activities with more enjoyment because it feels like you’re playing hooky from school or work, and you easily lie to yourself that you’ll do it later.

It’s a familiar and pleasurable regression. Of course, it comes back to bite you.

Procrastinators operate from a deadline mentality.

Unless something sits on top of you and squeezes you, you can’t muster up the energy to get it done.

When the deadline looms just close enough that you can barely reach the finish line in time, you become energized enough to sprint.

It’s an awful way to do things. I went through undergrad and graduate school that way, which was painful.

However, I’m happy to say I’ve overthrown this comfort zone for good and now find doing things ahead most pleasurable. It’s so much easier! It’s a matter of changing the habit.

If this one plagues you, use every strategy you can find until you find the right combo to change your behavior. I’ll list my favs at the end with suggested reading.

4. Toxic Partners and Friends

This comfort zone is another common one. You find yourself attracted repeatedly to the same type of toxic person. It happens most often in romantic choices but also can be pervasive in friend choices.

This comfort zone almost always originates from dysfunctional family relationships.

If you like psychology, you can read up on object relations, which is the basis of this phenomenon.

In short, you choose partners that mirror the dynamics of your relationship with one or both of your parents.

This comfort zone is more difficult to overcome because it isn’t voluntary. It’s unconsciously ingrained.

And you find you aren’t as attracted to people who treat you well, even when the opportunity arises.

I’ve written more extensively on this subject. You can find that article by clicking here.

You can overcome this comfort zone, but it will take time, insight, and work. However, it’s worth doing because the reward is having healthy relationships that benefit you and enhance your life and sense of self.

5. Shopping Therapy

I saved this one for last because it’s obvious. If it doesn’t apply to you, congrats! It’s a bad one!

It’s so easy to engage in because you can order anything online at any time with a credit or debit card.

Shopping therapy is insidious because no matter how much you know spending that money will not be in your best interest, some part of you overrides everything you know in a split second.

There you are at the keyboard, clicking “purchase!” with that sense of satisfaction. All rationality is suspended momentarily.

And then comes the “Ouch!”

The antidote to shopping therapy is cultivating small, pleasurable rewards that are good for you.

The more you do that, the sooner you burn out your desire to treat yourself to impulsive shopping.

Another strategy is to review your bank account or budget daily or weekly to keep the reality of your spending in the front of your mind.

After a while, you won’t take pleasure in overspending. You associate it with pain, not pleasure.

You’ll take more pleasure in controlling your spending and saving money.

How to Use All of This

Set aside an hour or more to write down your comfort zones. List the ones you engage in most often, and see if you need to make changes.

Comfort zones operate automatically, often under the radar. You need to be aware of them to control them.

Once you have the list, tackle them one at a time until you succeed in letting them go.

That’s all for today!

Happy January!

All my best,

Barbara

Suggested Reading:
A Quick Solution to Procrastination
Getting Comfortable with Discomfort
Do What You Say You Will Do
Atomic Habits by James Clear

Photo by Cn0ra, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Instead of making a list of goals with specific outcomes to start the New Year, you might be better off trying an alternative approach to get what you want without the angst and urgency that fades out early in the game.

I’m proposing two unconventional goals. Anti-goals, to be exact.

Typical Goals

Here’s a typical New Year’s goal:

Start a diet and exercise regime to fit into a size two by summer and attract someone you’ve had your eye on.

And another one:

Create an online course, launch it, make $25K, and get the attention of influencers in your field.

There’s nothing wrong with these goals in theory. It’s okay to create a goal to get something you want. But there are two problems with this approach:

1. You can’t control the outcomes because some depend on other people’s actions.
2. It’s easy to lose momentum because the outcomes don’t come as quickly or easily as you’d hoped.

So what’s a better alternative?

I’m proposing two approaches that aren’t outcome-dependent.

Approach #1: Focus on the process, not the outcomes.

You can control the process, so why not focus on that?

Instead of going on a new diet and engaging in an exercise regime to get into a size two dress, focus on becoming someone who eats healthy, exercises, and takes care of their body, regardless of the outcomes and perks.

Focus on your process and the idea of improving yourself.

This ongoing endeavor arises from your internal drive to better yourself—in this case, your health.

This same approach works for our second example.

Focusing on the creative process of developing an online course allows to immerse yourself in it without worrying about how much money it will make.

Completing the project provides a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment while enjoying the process as you go.

Again, these internal rewards don’t rely on anyone else’s input.

When you focus on the external reward, you become grasping, which triggers anxiety and a fear of missing out (the well-known FOMO effect).

Focusing on the process helps you avoid those pitfalls.

Another benefit is that you work primarily on developing discipline and learning.

Each day becomes an episode of self-improvement as you engage in and adjust your process to get better at it.

The process requires discipline because it involves the daily actions that produce results. It encourages you to become stronger in your intent and perseverance.

You may achieve the same outcomes as someone who focuses primarily on goals, but whether you do or not isn’t the sole purpose of your work.

Self-actualization is your work, which has personal meaning for you and helps you sustain your effort and interest.

Now, let’s summarize the value of this approach:

1. The activities you choose are within your control.
2. The drive to do them comes from within. They’re for you, your purpose, and your benefit. In other words, motivation is intrinsic.
3. You improve your self-discipline and task completion. You’ll get results, but the daily discipline is what feeds you.

On to the second unconventional goal.

Approach #2: Create White Space

I recently read an article on Medium by a young man named JA Westenberg. The title was ​Negative Space: The 2-Hour Rule That Changed My Life.​

The subject matter immediately spoke to me as it’s something I believe in and grew up with.

Let me back up:

White (or negative) space is a term in art and photography for the empty space surrounding images in a painting, drawing, or photograph. It’s the backdrop.

White space supports the images and allows you to see them.

Likewise, an empty white canvas is like a still mind before thoughts pop up and fill your mental space.

It’s where creativity, ideas, and solutions arise.

When you stay busy, relentlessly filling every minute with activity, you don’t allow yourself to benefit from your white space.

You’re either working, talking, dealing with problems, or performing tasks. When not doing those things, you scroll through social media, watch TV, play games, or do busy work – generally, until your head hits the pillow and you fall asleep.

Your mental canvas is so cluttered that new ideas, solutions, or insights have no room to arise.

To use white space, you must set aside time to let it surface.

You’ve got to schedule it daily. Literally, put it on your calendar.

Schedule an hour when you aren’t working, planning, using technology, talking, answering emails, or performing tasks.

Allow yourself to be bored, sit with your coffee or tea and gaze into space, or walk outside (without music).

It’s not agenda time. It’s time to be with yourself, to let your mind wander, to engage in free association and contemplation.

Regular use of white space leads to greater creativity.

Innovative approaches to problems, work methods, relationship-building, and entrepreneurial projects pop into your mind.

Moreover, using white space improves your efficiency, performance, and productivity because it recharges you mentally, emotionally, and physically.

When you constantly keep your foot on the gas pedal without pulling into rest stops, your car will eventually break down. And we do that ourselves all the time.

How to Set It Up

Westenberg suggests these rules to help you get started and make it worthwhile.

• Start small. A half-hour a day would be a great starter. You could build it to an hour if you like, or do half an hour a day and an hour once a week. Set it up so you can do it without any downsides.
• Schedule it like an appointment you must keep.
• Don’t schedule it when working on a deadline. You’ll sabotage yourself.
• Let people know you’ll be unavailable for texts, emails, or phone calls during this time.
• If you have to move the time, that’s fine, but don’t delete it.

I would add, pick something that appeals to you.

I like walking outside or sitting with a cup of coffee, my laptop closed, just thinking.

It’s awkward at first, but you eventually look forward to it and love it.

The best ideas come when you allow your mind some room to imagine.

A side benefit is that suspending attendant activity for a specific time daily helps break dopamine addiction.

Dopamine is a necessary neurotransmitter for focusing and sustaining interest in something. It does its job well if stimulated the right way in the right amounts.

Overkill is addictive and dilutes self-discipline. White space is a good stabilizer.

The Short Version

Set whatever goals you want for the coming year. It’s okay to do that, but make sure you use the two unconventional goals we’ve outlined here.

1. Attend to your process every day.

Make your primary goal self-improvement, whether that involves something related to self-care, work, a relationship, or a creative project.

The process is the key to getting results, but it’s also the way to develop yourself and use your gifts and assets.

Focusing on the process will help you with consistency, perseverance, and weathering ups and downs.

2. Set aside and schedule a daily time to create and use white space.

Taking time out to let your mind wander will bring new ideas and creative solutions to daily living and future aspirations, not to mention your goals.

It will also improve your efficiency and task completion. You’ll develop greater calm and the ability to be deliberate and focused in your actions.

The New Year is around the corner. I hope you have a great start to 2025.

That’s all for today!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by PeopleImages, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Most people would say “love.” A successful ongoing relationship that lasts requires love.

That’s true. It does. But not necessarily just romantic love. It requires real love that has staying power.

Yet, love like that can only develop and grow if there’s another factor.

And that factor is trust. Love can’t deepen where there isn’t trust.

So the question is, “How do you develop and maintain trust?”

Today, I’ll list the necessary elements for fostering and strengthening trust. If you can successfully employ these, you have a shot at real love.

What is Trust?

When it comes to relationships, the first thing most people jump to when thinking about trust is fidelity. It means not cheating and being loyal to your partner. That is undoubtedly an aspect of trust, but it’s much more than that.

Let’s start with loyalty.

1. Loyalty

Think for a moment about a relationship you’ve been in. It can be a romantic relationship, but it can also be a close friendship or family member.

Was the other person loyal? Were you?

Loyalty implies many things. But all of them can be captured by the phrase “non-betrayal.”

Being loyal to someone means not betraying them.

That can apply to fidelity, but it also applies to honoring your partner’s privacy and feelings.

It means maintaining confidentiality and not exposing things that are private or precious to them without permission.

However, this is challenging because we all talk about our partners to other people. If you’re married and close to your parents or siblings, you likely talk about your spouse with them.

There’s a fine line between talking to another person about your partner because you need help with something and divulging information you know your partner would be upset about if they knew.

Or worse, saying things that your partner would be hurt by if they heard them.

The same goes with your kids. If you tell your friends about a sensitive issue your teen’s having, and they tell their kids, pretty soon everyone knows, and your teen feels embarrassed and betrayed.

Betrayal is tricky, but if you’re cognizant of it when divulging information or talking about your partner, friends, or whomever, it’s easier to avoid betraying them.

That’s our first trust factor.

2. Commitment

The second factor is commitment.

Trust implies that you’re in it for the long haul.

That doesn’t mean you or the other person has a blank check to behave however you want.

It means you’re committed to the relationship and will do your best to work on and develop it.

You won’t jump ship when rough spots crop up, but you’ll put in your best effort to resolve them.

You’re dedicated to making the relationship better and better.

That requires prioritizing your relationship and investing the time, attention, and interest necessary to make it work.

3. Honesty

If you have kids, you’ve likely told them many times that you’ll lose trust in them if they lie to you. And if they tell you the truth, you’ll go easier on them than you would if they added lying to the infraction. I’ve emphasized that one many times myself.

Being honest and direct builds trust.

More than that, being honest also means divulging who you are.

You talk about how you feel and think about things, your struggles, and your dreams. You open up and share yourself. Relationships that last have that kind of daily exchange.

When you withhold yourself, you’re not exactly lying, but you’re omitting, which is a type of dishonesty.

Your partner needs to know what’s on your mind and how you feel.

Revealing yourself builds intimacy and understanding.

4. Acceptance

I’ve just told you to be honest and open, but you won’t feel comfortable doing that if you don’t think your partner will accept who you are.

Real trust comes when you can expose yourself and know that your partner respects you, feels for you, and champions you.

Trusting partners see your struggles and your assets, but they never use your deficits against you. They’re ready to help.

They have your best interest at heart and affectionately affirm who you are. And you can feel that.

5. Consistency

Something that happens often with couples is that they treat each other differently when around other people.

Your partner might be very accepting of you when you’re alone, but you go out with friends, and suddenly, they’re taking potshots at you in front of everyone. It’s all supposedly in jest, but it doesn’t feel that way.

Or they may become distant and ignore you while being more gregarious with other people. You feel a loss of connection.

Part of trust is knowing you can count on that connection regardless of whether you’re alone or with other people.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t ups and downs; sometimes, you feel more connected than at other times.

But overall, there’s trust that you are connected and committed to each other and will do all you can to avoid causing either of you to feel ostracized or hurt.

Consistency means you can count on the other person to act and behave consistently toward you in every circumstance and change of environment.

6. Willingness to Communicate

We’ve already mentioned being open and exposing yourself as a trust factor.

In addition, being willing to communicate is part of trust.

You will discuss issues that arise with each other and not withhold information that may cause the other person to feel confused or worried.

You’re both willing to hear the other person out without being afraid.

Fear can result from your inner desire not to expose yourself, which is something you have to work on. But it can also be in response to the other person’s reactivity.

If your partner tends to blow up and attack you, you’ll be afraid to say what’s on your mind.

Trust means making it safe for each other to express yourselves and be heard.

You want to know that you can tell your partner what’s bothering you and trust that they will do their best to understand and see it from your point of view—not necessarily agree with you, but consider how you see it.

People don’t generally think of trust as being involved in communication, but it is. Trust is an underpinning, and when you often dismiss what someone else says, thinks, and feels, trust erodes.

A willingness to communicate also means a willingness to listen with empathy and understanding. When solving problems, you’re looking for win-wins, not win-loses.

Can You Love Someone You Don’t Trust?

You can, but the depth of the love may be less intense, and your capacity to grow and deepen the relationship may be significantly impaired.

You might love from afar. Sometimes, you have a relative or good friend you love, but because of their problems and behavior, you can’t involve yourself intimately with them. Trust isn’t possible.

Love that develops over time and deepens happens within the framework of trust. Both grow and work together.

If you work diligently on building trust, you’ll improve all the other aspects of your relationship. It’s an excellent anchor to focus on because it strengthens love.

That’s all for today!

I hope you have very Happy Holidays!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by TerryJ, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Holidays sometimes bring on the “moody blues” and leave you in a funk. All that cheer and expectation is lovely unless you’re not feeling it. Not to mention, there’s a lot to do, which can be overwhelming.

How do you keep yourself emotionally balanced amidst all the hullabaloo?

My first suggestion is not to analyze it too deeply. Dredging up every possible reason you’re not feeling up to snuff probably won’t help you—not right now.

You can save that for quieter times when you have the energy to work on it, but for the next three to four weeks, let’s use a simple strategy to help out.

It’s called “Shift and Lift.” Here’s how it works.

The Shift

The “shift” involves redirecting your attention. There are four ways to accomplish this.

1. Start and finish something.

Select an activity that will engross you and give you a sense of accomplishment. You could do a small project that you enjoy and feel good about finishing. Make sure it’s simple and manageable. You don’t want to add stress.

2. Make your to-do list for the next several weeks.

Start with the whole list and then divide your tasks into each week. Be very specific and assign each task a particular day.

Having everything out of your head and on paper will help relieve the stress. If you can delegate anything to someone else, do it.

This list can cover everything you do, including on-the-job tasks, holiday-related tasks, and home tasks.

Shifting your focus to the big picture while organizing the details is relieving and will give you some momentum.

3. Put a stop to ruminations.

If you find yourself ruminating about a problem or issue, write it down.

Keep a “rumination list” handy for this purpose.

Once you write it out, let it go. When it comes up again, remind yourself that it’s on your rumination list, and you can attend to it later after the holidays.

Writing worries on a list to revisit when you can apply your thinking to them is a good way to stop the immediate overthinking.

You can use this strategy any time of year, not just during the holidays.

Another significant benefit is that jotting down the problem to work on later allows your subconscious mind to begin the process while focusing your attention on the present.

Ruminating only exaggerates your sense of helplessness and inflates the problem in your mind.

4. Take note of your distorted thoughts.

When you’re in a bad mood, it’s easy to exaggerate and catastrophize.

One negative thought begets the next one, and once you go down that rabbit hole, it’s hard to climb back out.

In particular, watch out for all-or-nothing thinking.

Moodiness causes you to narrow your view so that you have a skewed interpretation of what’s happening. And then you apply that interpretation to everything else.

Negativity narrows while positivity expands.

In other words, watch out for your inner Scrooge and put him in time-out.

Now for part two.

The Lift

Shifting is an exercise that neutralizes your dropping mood by blocking the path of the descent.

The “lift” swings you upwards by adding positivity. Not crazy, toxic positivity where you pretend everything is peachy, but using some strategies that will balance things out and energize you.

Here are six you can try.

Write a Gratitude List

Gratitude lists have power.

When you take the time to write out a list of things you’re thankful for, even small things, you automatically shift your outlook.

You can’t bemoan everything that’s not going well and focus on what’s going right simultaneously.

By writing the list, you engage your thinking mind and reinforce your thoughts through motor activity (writing) and visual feedback (seeing the words on the page).

The exercise itself produces a swing in the opposite direction.

To make it more powerful, use emoticons if you’re typing it. It’s fun and lifts you more! If you’re writing by hand, doodle pictures or symbols.

List ten things. That’s enough to shift your mindset.

Engage in Social Contact

When you’re in a blue mood and alone or isolated, you’re more likely to become increasingly pessimistic. You need to break up that pattern.

It’s hard to think your way out of it, so making social contact with someone is a quick and sure way to interrupt the downward trend.

Call a friend and chat. Make a date to have coffee with someone. Leave the house and go somewhere where there are people. Don’t sit and ruminate.

A change of environment and interaction with others will lift your mood.

Take a Walk Outside

Taking a walk expands and shifts your mind.

Research has shown that walking increases creativity.

There’s something about being outside and moving that suspends you from your current mood and circumstances and opens up new ideas.

Sometimes, you have insights or epiphanies while walking, and other times, you become energized to take some action you hadn’t previously thought of.

Aerobic exercise of any kind for at least thirty minutes raises your serotonin and dopamine levels, both of which are related to mood.

Walking is also helpful for reducing anxiety and overwhelm.

Engage in a Favorite Holiday Activity

Wrap presents and watch one of your favorite holiday movies. Pick something heartwarming.

If you like cooking, bake cookies or holiday bread.

Decorate. String lights everywhere.

Choose whatever you like that you know will lift your spirits.

Read a Good Novel

Fiction lifts you out of your current environment into an imaginary world. It also reduces stress.

A study conducted at Mindlab International at the University of Sussex in the UK found that reading for only six minutes can reduce stress levels by 68% – significantly more than taking a walk, listening to music, or having a cup of tea.

Dr. Lewis, a cognitive neuropsychologist who conducted the study, says this about reading:

“This is more than merely a distraction but an active engaging of the imagination as the words on the printed page stimulate your creativity and cause you to enter what is essentially an altered state of consciousness.”

So grab your favorite novel or author, and dive into a book. Not only will you get a reprieve from your current mood, but the effects are likely to last long after you stop reading.

Do Something for Someone Else

Charitable acts of any kind are a balm for the soul, especially when you need a lift.

It might be challenging to pull yourself out of a funk enough to attend to someone else, but it’s worth doing.

You don’t need to do something grand or far outside your usual environment. It can be as simple as driving your neighbor to pick up their car from the repair shop or making coffee for your partner when they get up in the morning.

Anything you do that smooths someone’s way can give you a lift.

It doesn’t matter if you get a big reaction or any reaction at all. Just knowing that you helped someone or gave them a small kindness can make you feel better.

Helping others takes you out of the narrow environment of rumination and self-indulgence.

Give it a try if you don’t do it already.

One Last Piece of Advice

Don’t wait for your mood to shift to eliminate the blues. Take action now, and your mood will change. It’s the horse before the cart.

Action forces you to widen your narrow mindset and opens it up to a larger, more positive narrative.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by primipil on iStock Photo

Today’s blog comes from a recent conversation with a young lady who was bemoaning the state of the world. The picture she presented was grim: wars, climate change, political upheaval, economic distress, and so on.

She felt her future was up in the air, literally and figuratively, and was second-guessing marriage, having children, or a career.

In her words, “The world is in chaos.” And she didn’t see it letting up any time soon, if ever.

This isn’t the first conversation I’ve had like this. I’ve heard similar complaints from people of all ages.

You may or may not agree with these characterizations, but that’s not today’s subject. What we’re addressing is how to deal with chaos.

Chaos can be global, as described above, but it can also come from personal experiences that upset your life. For example, a divorce or loss of a job. A sudden health issue. Death of a family member.

All these events can lead to both internal and external chaos and leave you on shaky ground.

How do you keep going when it feels like your environment is crumbling? How do you navigate chaos?

Let’s start.

1. Create order.

Create as much order in your immediate environment as you can.

For example:

1. Establish daily and weekly routines.
2. Make short-term goals and execute them.
3. Plan ahead and use to-do lists to track your activities.

Do whatever you can to create a sense of order that you can count on. Be flexible. Allow for minor upsets, but overall, stick to your routines.

Brad Stulberg, author of a book called ​Masters of Change​, calls these routines “daily and weekly anchors.” That’s an apt description.

Routines are soothing because you know what’s going to happen. You can automate them and take pleasure in accomplishing them.

Make sure that part of your routine includes self-care and something that makes you happy. For example, I get in bed and read fiction every night before turning out the lights. It’s a small pleasure I look forward to.

Include activities like that in your routines.

2. Focus on what you can control.

Identify the things you can control and put your energy into them. Each thing you accomplish will make you feel better.

Put the things you can’t control on the back burner or far into the background.

Everyone knows this one, but it’s not easy because your mind will likely continually flip to what you can’t control and ruminate about it.

When this happens, you’ll need to refocus and work on what you can manage. Any place you have individual agency, use it attentively and productively.

3. Give time to your relationships and social interactions.

Spend time with family and friends. Participate in social outings with people you enjoy.

These relationships are sources of meaning, belonging, empathy, and care.

It’s easy to become isolated when dealing with chaos or stress. When this happens, you may need to make more effort to be around people. Just make sure the people you choose are not sources of more negativity and fear.

It’s one thing to commiserate about your worries and disappointments – that’s validating. It’s another to focus primarily on what feels bleak.

4. Look for meaning and purpose.

You’ve seen pictures of a lotus flower floating on water, yes? It’s a metaphor. The pristine lotus floats atop murky, muddy water.

The symbolism is that out of chaos and darkness flows wisdom and light.

Applying that to our situation means transforming the negativity and foreboding of chaos into growth and wisdom.

It’s like watching someone declutter a messy room into perfect order, one item at a time.

The lotus idea comes from Buddhism. Viktor Frankl echoes this idea in his philosophy, ​tragic optimism​, which is a mindset you should adopt.

You can read about it in his book Man’s Search for Meaning. But for our purposes, a quick sketch will suffice:

Instead of descending into total negativity or embracing positive toxicity, take a middle road. Accept the chaos and negative experiences that come to you, but look for opportunities within them to find a deeper sense of meaning.

In doing so, you remain hopeful and optimistic but not unthinkingly.

Suffering of any kind provides an opportunity to learn something.

That doesn’t mean you aren’t traumatized by some experiences or that you would ever wish for suffering. It means you can learn and try to find meaning in it.

5. Avoid input that focuses only on the negative.

Watch out for the tank rolling over the terrain with guns shooting from all sides. That tank can come in the form of news, chronically negative people, town criers, and militant bugles blasting.

Toxic negativity is built on fear, catastrophic thinking, and what-ifs.

These can come from outside, like the tank rolling along, or from inside, like your worries, anxieties, and worst-case scenarios.

It’s always good to be informed so you can plan for your safety, but if you consume a steady diet of scary what-ifs, you’ll be sure the world is ending—either the whole world, your world, or both.

Watch your consumption and always ask yourself what the motivation is for the source that’s feeding you. Is it really to inform or to scare you?

Set boundaries on people or sources that are fearmongers.

6. Keep yourself active, but be discerning.

Chaos and stress can easily lead to burnout and depression, which dissipates your energy and leaves you feeling like you can’t do anything.

Don’t succumb, and don’t wait to feel better to do something.

Continue to be active, but be choosey about what you do. When you’re anxious, do things that calm you. When you’re feeling lazy, do something active that stimulates you.

As we’ve mentioned, keeping daily routines helps. Sometimes, working on a small project you can finish generates a better mood and some energy.

Do something social, get outside, or go on an errand where you’ll be around people.

7. Be your best self.

During ​stressful times​, it’s essential to live your values, be the person you want to be, act with conscience and integrity, and don’t succumb to unruly emotional reactivity.

It’s easy to become reactive when things are upside down rather than respond with thought. Take care to give yourself time to respond thoughtfully.

If you don’t meditate already, take at least ten minutes every day to sit and remind yourself of who you are, who you want to be, and how you want to meet the day’s challenges.

It helps to solidify your mindset in the morning before you begin. When you do that, you have an internal guide that stays with you all day and reminds you how you want to behave.

8. Embrace flexibility.

When times are rough, flexibility is crucial. Because no matter what you do, things will pop up and catch you off guard. Be ready to pivot.

If possible, embrace this value at all times. Flexibility doesn’t mean giving up your values but rather acclimating to the circumstances at hand. It makes life easier.

Last Note

It goes without saying, but I’m saying it anyway:

Take care of yourself. Sleep enough, eat well, exercise even if only ten minutes a day, meditate if possible, and find a small space every day for something you like.

Remember, all things pass.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Amadeo Valar on Unsplash

When someone’s passive-aggressive with you, it leaves a hostile cloud in the air that oozes discomfort and stuns you for a second until you realize what’s happened.

How do you respond? Do you zing them back, or just let it roll off you?

Most of us don’t let it roll off. We might be confused by what was said or done or feel some anger or frustration in response.

No matter how you cut it, it’s uncomfortable and provocative.

Most passive aggression comes from deep-seated anger and frustration that someone isn’t comfortable expressing directly. So it comes out sideways or under the table or couched in indirect but loaded comments.

In most cases, the messages are intended. The person knows what they’re doing, and the messages are deliberate, but not in every case. We’ll talk more about that later.

Let’s start with some examples and then discuss how to handle them.

Types of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behaviors focus on making another person feel small, incompetent, unworthy, ostracized, disliked, unaccepted, or shamed. They’re delivered indirectly, but you feel the sting.

Here are some examples.

• Gossiping and spreading negative rumors about you to get others to jump on the bandwagon and ostracize you.
• Subtly folding in a criticism with an affirmation. “It’s great you can spend so much time with your kids. Must be nice to not have to work.”
• Avoiding you, but in a way that lets you know they’re doing it. Like not making eye contact as you pass them in the hall.
• Speaking to everyone else in a group setting except you and not acknowledging your comments. Or walking away when you approach.
• Giving you the silent treatment.
• Withholding something you need: Information or something they promised to do within a time frame but didn’t. Or something more emotionally based, such as recognition, empathy, or affirmation.
• Forgetting (on purpose) to tell you about the assignment you missed in the staff meeting the day you were at home sick.
• Avoid showing pleasure in a success you’ve had or diminishing it through body language and subtle backhanded criticisms.
• Tattling to the boss (or anyone) about mistakes you make. And often exaggerating them for effect.
• Ghosting you. Not answering your texts, calls, or invitations for contact.
• Doing a half-ass job on a project you’re in charge of to make you look bad and increase your workload.

Passive-aggressive people want you to feel the effects of their anger but not have the opportunity to address it. They want the last word.

That’s what makes it so difficult to deal with.

Intentional or Not?

The behaviors above are mostly intentional. The person knows what they’re doing, and they intend to unload their anger.

There are times when the behavior is not intentional.

Someone can be so unaware of their stored-up anger that they don’t recognize their behavior is aggressive.

If you point it out, they’re surprised and likely will deny that they have any ill intentions because, in their mind, they don’t.

Another way people are passive-aggressive but don’t recognize it is by forgetting a lot, not showing up when they say they will, not following through on things, and not being reliable.

This person sees these behaviors as personal issues but doesn’t recognize their effects on others.

Sometimes, it’s an unconscious way of displaying anger.

An example is the teen who doesn’t show up on time for family events. Instead of directly expressing his anger toward his parents, he disappoints them regularly.

You could label this as “unintentionally intentional.”

How to Deal with Passive-Aggressive Behavior

There are two ways:

1. Confront directly
2. Retreat and avoid

Let’s start with confronting directly.

The Direct Approach

In most cases, directly confronting the behavior is the best way to stop it and discover the real issue.

However, there is a way to do it to get the results you want. I use a little acronym to remind myself how to approach it. It’s DRE, which stands for Direct-Respect-Empathy.

Direct means enquiring about:

• What the person is actually saying
• How they’re feeling
• What their intention is behind the behavior

Let’s try an example.

If you found out that a co-worker was bad-mouthing you to other colleagues or the boss, you could approach it by asking them directly if they’ve been talking about you negatively to your co-workers.

Always use specifics.

“I heard you told the boss I’m lazy and don’t do my work, causing everyone else to pick up my slack. Is that true? Is that what you think?”

Add to that a comment about their feelings and deliver it with empathy.

“If you think that, you must be angry or frustrated with me.”

Usually, that approach will open a direct discussion. You’ve caught them in the act but have focused on how they might be feeling, and you’ve done it with acceptance.

This allows them to tell you what’s on their mind directly and openly.

From there, you can inquire about what would make the situation better and come to an agreement.

Going straight for the feeling usually gets a direct response. Sometimes, you’ll still get a denial, but more often, you’ll find out what’s bothering them.

It doesn’t always work this way, but more often than not, showing concern and respect stops the passive-aggression and transforms the interaction into a direct and productive conversation.

You can end by setting a clear boundary. You could say,

“I’m sorry you were frustrated with me, but from now on, if you have a problem with me, please approach me directly so we can work it out. Agreed?”

You’ll get a yes in most cases.

You can use this approach for any intentional passive-aggressive behavior, including getting the silent treatment or being ignored.

The quick summary is:

1. Directly identify the behaviors bothering you
2. Ask what it’s about or what’s behind it
3. Inquire as to the person’s feelings about it
4. Show empathy when you can
5. Come to a resolution to the current issue
6. Establish a boundary for future interactions

If you get a flat-out denial or continued passive-aggressive behavior from this person, set a clear boundary with a more forceful confrontation. But always maintain respect. No counterattacking, sarcasm, or aggression on your part.

Retreat and Avoid

Some people will deny their behavior and emotions regardless of how accurately or directly you confront it. In those cases, it’s best not to pursue it.

You might decide to set a boundary anyway and tell them how you feel about the behavior as a means of putting them on notice.

If after confronting the behavior, someone continues to avoid or ignore you or give you the silent treatment, then let it go.

Some people are chronically angry yet aren’t aware of it or won’t deal with it.

If the person in question is someone you have to work with or stay in contact with, you may need to set boundaries more than once.

Usually, a direct approach will stop the behavior even if the person denies doing it in the first place.

Non-Specific Behaviors

Non-specific behaviors are those that don’t seem to be directed toward you personally yet are passive-aggressive.

These are the behaviors I mentioned above. They include always showing up late, forgetting, not following through on promises, giving weak performances, and letting other people carry the load.

These behaviors are usually a function of self-esteem issues, depression, anxiety, or attention problems. But they can also be an expression of anger.

Regardless, they do directly affect other people, and the lack of concern this person shows is a form of passive aggression. Sometimes, the behavior is intended to disappoint or frustrate others.

Again, the direct approach is the best method to confront these situations.

Something To Think About

Most people use passive-aggressive behavior at some point.

It’s always good to monitor your behavior to ensure that your communications are direct and respectful, even if you’re angry.

Use the list of examples provided above to examine whether there are behaviors you’d like to tweak.

Stick with the direct approach as much as possible in all your interactions, and use our little acronym (DRE).

That’s all for today!

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Arun Prakash on Unsplash

Imagine you’ve just finished a big project at your job and done an outstanding job. You worked on it with another colleague who contributed valuable input, but you did most of the work.

Your boss praises the finished product at a staff meeting but focuses most of his praise on your co-worker as though she did most of the work. You leave the staff meeting, retreat to your office, and have a meltdown.

Anyone might react the same way under the circumstances, but the reaction is magnified in this case because it hits one of your triggers.

You grew up in the shadow of a sibling your parents repeatedly favored and praised for their achievements. You could never measure up.

This is how triggers work. They come from previous experiences stored in your subconscious brain.

When something happens in the present that mirrors the previous experience (or even hints at it), you’re emotionally triggered, and your reactions are amplified, sometimes out of control.

Knowing your triggers can help you regain control and reduce that emotional fire.

I’ve got a plan for you, but first, you need to understand how your triggers develop.

How Emotional Triggers Are Developed

As we’ve already affirmed, triggers come from experiences stored in your memory.

However, what makes something a trigger is the intensity of the emotional impact it had on you when it happened. The more impactful the experience was, the stronger the trigger.

Some triggers come from a single experience, especially a traumatic one, and others come from repetitive experiences. That’s the case with our example above.

To complicate things more, some of them are unconscious, meaning you have no idea where they come from and are unable to trace them back to your experiences.

It could be that you repressed a memory or that you developed it early in life before you had language.

Our brains begin storing memories before we have the words to recall them. Even infants and toddlers store emotional memories of their experiences before they can label or think about them.

That’s why most people can’t remember their early years or only have snatches of memory.

However, if the emotional impact of an experience is intense, it will create a trigger.

In other words, you have an emotional trigger, but you don’t know why.

Regardless, you can still diminish a trigger in the present, even if you don’t know where it came from, and strip of its power over you.

Working With Your Triggers

There are two ways to go about working with your triggers:

1. Deal with them directly as they surface in the present.
2. Study them by identifying as many as you can and begin reducing them one at a time.

I’d suggest doing both.

Use the following 5-step exercise to conduct your study. Then, as you have experiences where an emotional trigger surfaces and you overreact, delve into the particular trigger causing the problem.

The Exercise

Step #1: Identify your triggers.

I’ve attached a PDF listing some of the more common triggers. Using this list, jot down any that apply to you. You can add any others you have that aren’t listed. Be specific.

Take your time with this.

As you make your list, memories that pertain to the trigger will pop up. Most triggers come from repetitive experiences, but not always.

As mentioned previously, a single traumatic experience can create a potent trigger.

Don’t worry if you can’t tie a trigger to a specific experience or memory. Just list it.

Step #2: Prioritize your list.

Put your most potent triggers at the top and go down from there.

These are the ones that create the most emotional reactivity for you.

This list will give you a place to start when you begin working on them.

Step #3: Link a trigger to an experience.

For this step, choose a trigger you want to target.

Once you have it in mind, recall a recent situation in which the trigger was ignited, and you overreacted.

Write it out in sequence so you can see it unwind.

• What started it?
• What was the sequence of events that rolled it out?
• How did you feel and behave in response to each action?

Try visualizing it as a movie in slow motion and see it from beginning to end from the actor’s point of view.

Step #4: Evaluate.

Now let’s take an objective view and evaluate.

1. Using your sequence, identify the spark that lit the fire. What words or actions set you off?
2. What does it remind you of? Are there previous experiences or patterns you can link them to? If not, don’t worry. Keep going.
3. Once it was sparked, where did your mind go? Were there any cognitive distortions on your end? In other words, did you exaggerate, overgeneralize, look at the incident from an all-or-nothing mindset, or distort the facts in any way? Triggers easily create distorted thinking and perception. Almost always.
4. Were your emotional responses too big or out of control? Most triggers create responses that are overkill for the situation at hand because you’re responding not only to that situation but to stored emotions.

Step #5: Reflect.

How could you have reacted to the situation if you hadn’t been triggered by it? How would your behavior be different?

Asking these questions and coming up with a different response will help you the next time you encounter the same trigger.

You’ll be able to recognize what’s happening sooner and calm yourself before it gets out of hand. You can also temporarily step out to regain your composure.

By turning your attention toward the trigger and looking at it, it loses some of its potency. You’re engaging your thinking brain.

The power of triggers is that they’re subconscious patterns that sneak through the back door without being monitored. Knowing and watching them keeps the door shut and puts you back in control.

Remember this:

There’s a line from the movie St. Elmo’s Fire that says, “That was then, and this is now.”

It’s a good mantra for dealing with triggers because you’re never exactly in the same situation now as you were when you developed it. You aren’t the same person, either.

The trigger may linger, but you have the power to react differently and take control of your experience.

You also have the power to diminish it. But only if you give it a no-holds-barred look and understand how it’s affecting your reactivity.

A Quick Review

Here’s the fast version:

1. Identify and become aware of your triggers.
2. Prioritize them in order of potency.
3. Tackle one at a time.
4. Review distorted thoughts and emotional reactivity, and consider how you could react differently.
5. Remember, you’re not in the same place you were when the trigger was initiated. You have control now.

The last thing to note is to be compassionate with yourself when you overreact.

It’s an emotional hijacking, not something you set out to do. But by working on your triggers, you can block that hijacking and take the wheel.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

I have a friend who lives in a continual vortex of indecision. She’s unable to figure out what she wants, partly because she wants everything. Her world is a giant exercise in overstimulation and overwhelm.

I heard something recently that spoke to this problem. It came from Seth Godin during an interview with Marie Forleo.

He described a woman at an ice cream parlor who had to choose between 30 flavors for her ice cream cone. She could only choose one.

His comment was, “When you choose this, you can’t have that.”

In other words:

When figuring out what you want, you must also decide what you don’t want or want less.

You can’t have everything. To focus on something, pursue it, and succeed, you must let other things go. Sometimes, those other things are things you also want, but not as much as that one thing.

That brings us back to the original question.

What do you really want, and what do you have to give up to pursue it with the attention and focus required to make it happen?

This question can pertain to a career, relationship, spiritual pursuit, or being a parent.

How Do You Decide?

Seth Godin offers three ideas to help you decide what to pursue.

1. Get very clear about your dream or goal. What will it look like when you succeed? Use specifics.
2. What change do you wish to make for yourself?
3. What contribution will it make? What do you have to offer that will meet others’ needs?

You can’t make good choices if you’re unclear about what you want to accomplish and what it will take to achieve it.

By answering these questions, you can evaluate more precisely whether this is something you can stay with for the long haul or something that you were initially excited about but, after more thought, would like to put on the back burner or abandon.

You’ll avoid hopping from thing to thing because you’re considering your long-term investment.

Now, let’s take a quick look at the attention bandits that prevent you from asking these questions and making good decisions.

The Variety Trap

We humans love novelty and variety.

You can have a burning interest in something, but if something else comes along that wows you, even temporarily, you get sidetracked.

Our brains are set up that way, and don’t the advertisers know it?

I struggle with this phenomenon all the time. I start a book I love and vow to finish, but then I get an email from Amazon dangling some new titles before my eyes, luring me in because Amazon knows what I like.

Before you know it, I’ve loaded a new book on my Kindle, and now I’m reading two books. I currently have three going, and if history is correct, I won’t finish them all.

When you allow yourself to cater to your natural tendency to seek novelty, you sacrifice the opportunity to get good at something or deepen your involvement in a worthy pursuit.

Decision Fatigue

This is a second trap. There are simply too many decisions to make every day, some of which can be avoided.

I grew up in the 1950s and 60s when computers, the internet, and cell phones were nonexistent. You had a phone on your kitchen wall and a car for getting around. Your TV was less than 19 inches wide, and you likely had a stereo system to play records or a radio.

If you wanted to talk to someone, you had to go see them. Communication was mainly face-to-face or on the telephone, but mostly face-to-face.

The most notable difference between that existence and our environment today is the amount of daily stimulation coming at you. Technology has made us accessible.

I had lots of open space to think, daydream, and relax.

Whereas today, stimulation comes at you (and me) relentlessly unless you manage to shut yourself away for a moment of respite.

Even when you do that, your mind speedily rolls along frenetically.

It’s like we’re living on speed, metaphorically, of course, but there are parallels.

Decision-making has increased exponentially with technology.

Daily, you decide what emails to read and respond to, podcasts to listen to, social media to engage with, shows to watch, and work to do.

Then there’s all the regular decision-making that comes with caring for yourself, your home, and your family.

Those decisions have also skyrocketed because of the increase in everyone’s activity levels.

You probably don’t recognize how many decisions you make in a day because it’s become automatic, nor how much energy it requires.

We’ve become master jugglers, but it’s much easier to drop the balls now because of the overload.

The Dopamine Push

Part of becoming the master juggler is imposed on you by the current tech-oriented culture.

But a second part of it comes from the addictive nature of dopamine.

The dopamine chant is “more is better.”

When you first get the hang of juggling, it’s exciting. But after a while, it’s boring, So you add more balls. Eventually, that’s boring, too. So you juggle knives. Now you’re rockin!

But then that becomes a little boring, so you move to torches that are on fire! Ooh, this is better!

The pay-off for increasing stimulation and the anticipation of more keeps that dopamine flowing, which gives you that temporary lift.

Unfortunately, this perpetual state of overstimulation creates too much arousal for your body and brain to handle.

When you pursue too many things, too much novelty, and fast-moving shiny objects, four things happen:

1. You crash and feel completely exhausted and depleted.
2. You create a cycle of significant bursts of energy followed by dips and a roller coaster of emotions.
3. Lose your ability to focus on one thing at a time.
4. Get worse at handling obstacles and problems that surface.

Caving into this kind of existence robs you of the drive and self-discipline to choose what’s most important to you and pursue it persistently so that you experience the rewards of living consciously, purposefully, and with deep satisfaction.

Back to What You Want

Here’s a three-step process to figure this out.

1. Make the list.

Write down all the things that are important to you. This list differs from what you’ll pursue; it’s everything you desire. You can include work, creative pursuits, relationships, health, spirituality, and hobbies. This is your wish list. It may also include things you’re already involved in.

2. Specify and narrow.

Take your list and turn it into actual, specific goals. What would you like to accomplish, and what does that look like? What would it take to reach them?

Your first list was a general outline on your canvas. Now, you’re filling in the shapes and colors on your canvas.

3. Weigh opportunity costs.

“Opportunity cost” means when deciding between several actions, what does pursuing one cost you in terms of the other, and which gets you the most bang for your buck?

In other words, you can’t do it all, so which of these goals will bring the most gratification and results you want, and which do you have to leave behind to pursue those you’ve chosen?

This step is the most significant and challenging because it involves letting go of things you want to do. You have to become very single-minded.

If you’re having trouble making choices, go through each goal or thing you want and ask yourself what obstacles you will encounter. Sometimes, that question helps to clarify things.

If you want to be a good Dad, attentive husband, writer, a top employee at work, and superior golfer, which of those is most important? What will it take to do them, and what do you need to let go of or change to make it work?

Marie Forleo calls this process “simplify to amplify.” It’s a perfect description and motto you can use for any goal or endeavor.

Full Circle

No matter what kind of goal or activity you want to excel in or make the most of, identifying precisely what you want will entail letting go of something else you want.

You can return to it later if you still want it, but don’t sacrifice focus on that most important thing by cluttering it with incoming stimuli and the anxiety of always wanting more or being afraid of missing out.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Suggested Reading:

Essentialism by Greg McKeown
The One Thing by Gary Keller
Deep Work by Cal Newport

Photo by Timothy Dykes on Unsplash

I once saw a couple in therapy initiated by the wife who was unhappy with the relationship. She was depressed and felt angry much of the time but kept it to herself.

It quickly became apparent that she had given up her power and felt controlled by her husband. She had no voice in the relationship.

It wasn’t that he was particularly abusive, although he sometimes stood on the edge of it, but more that he dominated her.

Yet, she consistently gave him permission to do that but wasn’t aware of it.

What was puzzling was that he clearly couldn’t live without her. She had plenty of leverage but didn’t use it.

We’ll come back to this couple later on. But now, I’m asking you:

How do you use your power? Do you give too much away, exert too much, or use it judiciously and in the best interest of yourself and others?

Most of us don’t think about these questions, but it’s an important issue that plays a starring role in your relationships.

Let’s start with the origins of personal power.

Where Does Your Power Come From?

Most people would say it’s an outgrowth of having confidence. That’s partially true, but it begins long before your confidence crystalizes.

Personal power starts with your sense of self.

That’s rather vague, so let’s break it down into components. There are five:

1. Having a sense of worth
2. Accepting your emotions and being willing to feel and express them
3. Recognizing your unique personal gifts and talents
4. Developing self-compassion
5. Being able to set boundaries for yourself when needed

In short, you must embrace your authentic self and feel you have worth and value.

From there, you develop skills, competence, and confidence.

Your power is a natural expression of who you are. You can use it to enhance your life and the lives of others.

Things go awry when any of those original components are not developed and bleed into your sense of agency and power.

Most of us fall somewhere along the continuum, either expressing too little or too much power. Either way, the origin of the problem is the same:

If you feel less than others, you either submit and succumb to those who willingly overpower you, or you find people you can control and rule.

Our original couple played out both sides of this problem in their relationship.

The wife came from a family with an overbearing father who ran the show and didn’t allow anyone, including his wife, to question his authority. Likewise, the husband had a similar family structure, and he felt bullied by his father.

Your history can set you up to have difficulty using your power correctly.

How Do You Take Your Power Back?

Have you ever faced down a bully?

In most cases, when you do that, the bully backs down.

Not always. You wouldn’t face down someone who has a history of violence. We’ll come back to that.

In general, if you recognize that someone or something is overpowering you, start by asking yourself these questions:

• How and in what ways are they doing it?
• How am I giving permission for it? Don’t confuse this question with the idea that you’re okay with it or that it’s your fault, but look at specific behaviors you’re engaging in that give that permission. You may not be aware of them.
• What emotions hold you back from exerting your power? This is the most critical question. You won’t be able to change anything until you acknowledge and begin challenging those feelings. Fear is often at the base of the problem.
• What’s the cost to me of continuing as I am?
• What are the best and worst case scenarios of challenging (whoever or whatever situation)?

Once you’re clear on how you’re giving away your power, lay out a plan for regaining it. Try these strategies.

Strategies That Work

Start small unless you feel confident that a serious and thoughtful conversation will be received. Usually, patterns that have been in place for a long time are difficult to unravel.

1. Demand basic respect.

You can accomplish this by letting the offending person know how you feel when treated disrespectfully. Point out the behavior, say how it makes you feel, and then explain how you would rather be approached.

When you do it this way, you aren’t blaming or attacking. You’re setting a boundary.

Use “I” messages throughout and stay calm. That’s key.

If being disrespected is a regular behavior, you’ll likely have to set the boundary more than once and maybe many times until the other person knows you mean it.

Don’t sugarcoat, but don’t attack. Be respectful yourself.

2. Check your tendency to enable.

This is the second part of your one-two punch. First, you demand respect, and then you stop enabling the other person to be in control.

Remember that you can only lose your power if you’re willing to give it away.

Write down all your behaviors that tell the other person they can control you and what you do. Examples are:

• Taking on more responsibility than is fair or equitable
• Not participating in decision-making
• Not voicing your ideas, concerns, and thoughts
• Suppressing your feelings
• Allowing yourself to be taken advantage of, disrespected, or both
• Walking on eggshells
• Ignoring your needs

As you write these out, add the actual behaviors that reflect these trends. You want to identify specific behaviors to target.

Once you’ve done that, begin changing one behavior at a time until the other person (or people) accepts it.

3. Show appreciation

This sounds counterintuitive, I know, but it’s not if it’s used alongside the above strategies.

When you show genuine appreciation or note the behaviors you like, you’ll find that even the most negative, crotchety, controlling person will respond positively.

This works exceptionally well when you’re setting boundaries against behavior you don’t like.

You’re modeling what you want.

In most cases, if you’ve given up your power in a relationship, you’ve also built up a cache of resentment and don’t feel much empathy or appreciation for the other person. Not always, but likely.

So, it helps to add that piece back in as you’re making it clear that you’re taking your power back.

That doesn’t mean it will go smoothly, but it will work better with some appreciation added in. You want to tip toward the positive.

How Long Does It Take?

It depends on the people involved, how entrenched the old patterns are, and how acute the situation is.

In the case of our couple, things had become very sour between them, and they couldn’t work at it by themselves, hence therapy. They eventually restored their relationship with mutual effort and commitment to the process.

Some people resolve it on their own. But if you can’t, seek help.

Not Just For Couples

Taking your power back can apply in many situations.

All relationships involve power.

The closer the relationship and time spent together, the more power is involved. Close friendships, job relationships, and especially family relationships apply.

You can work on gaining or releasing your power in any of these situations. The same strategies can be used and adapted to fit.

A balance of power means that both (or all parties) count. Everyone is seen, heard, and valued.

What to Do When Violence is An Issue

Taking back your power from someone who’s violent or scary is a different problem. In those cases, you must get help from someone who can offer more assistance.

Look for someone who is experienced in dealing with domestic violence. There are usually agencies available in most areas to help.

What if My Efforts Fail?

If the other person involved isn’t willing to participate in changing the power dynamics between you, and you’ve tried all the strategies, you may decide to leave the relationship.

Friendships are sometimes this way. You have a friend who subtly controls you or takes advantage of you and, when confronted, isn’t willing to change. This may be a friend you can do without.

Each case is individual, and you can decide what’s in your best interest.

The goal is to engage in relationships with mutual respect and empathy and where everyone has a voice.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara