Photo by Rhythm Goyal on Unsplash

Psychology’s reigning advice is to deal with trauma or intense emotions head-on. Avoidance is considered an unhealthy response, often resulting in negative backlash.

If something awful happens, schedule an appointment for therapy as soon as you can.

Isn’t that the usual go-to?

In some cases, that’s good advice, but not always.

Ethan Kross, author of Shift, suggests that using a direct approach is not always the best way to go. Sometimes, avoidance used strategically is a better tactic.

The reason for this is that trauma needs time to be absorbed and processed.

Trying to do it all at once gives it no breathing room to assimilate in a way that allows your life to proceed as you work through your emotions.

In other words, trying to talk it through right away and focusing on it until it’s resolved can make things worse.

Dr. Kross identifies three key elements that are involved in processing trauma. These are:

1. Use of time
2. Placing attention
3. Toggling between distraction and attention

Let’s start with how time helps.

Your Psychological Immune System

We have a psychological immune system similar to our body’s immune system.

In our bodies, our immune system fights off bacteria and viruses, and gobbles up free radicals, all to keep us healthy. Sometimes, it becomes overwhelmed or isn’t working up to par, and we get sick anyway, but most of the time, it’s doing its job.

The same applies to our minds.

Our psychological immune system protects us from overwhelming emotions that we can’t process all at once.

This is what’s going on when you can’t remember all the details of a traumatic or emotionally taxing experience. You might automatically deny it. Or suppress it.

Doing that gives you time to process what’s happening without becoming overwhelmed to the point you can’t function.

In these cases, your psychological immune system is protecting you from what’s too much.

You’ve likely had this experience. Something intense happens, and over time, little bits of memory come into focus that you didn’t recall initially. The more time that passes, the more you remember, and the greater your ability to handle it.

By temporarily suppressing, compartmentalizing, or distracting yourself from the emotional fallout you’re experiencing, your psychological immune system gives you the mental time and space you need to face the situation.

Grieving

A good example of this process is what happens to you when you’re faced with a severe loss and begin grieving.

If you’ve had that experience, you know that it’s a bumpy process.

You feel the loss acutely for moments or periods, then you become distracted, and it lets up for a while, followed by another episode of intensive grief.

Over time, the intensity of the grief subsides somewhat, and you’re able to handle your emotions more easily. However, it can take a lot of time.

A similar process occurs whenever you experience emotions that are too overwhelming to confront directly.

Again, your psychological immune system activates and helps you distribute your emotional reactions over time using distraction, compartmentalization, and suppression.

It provides the time you need to allow your emotions to lower in intensity and diminish so you can deal with them.

Isn’t Suppression Bad For You?

Normally, suppression isn’t a healthy strategy, but it can be helpful during the process of dealing with a trauma or experience that’s emotionally overwhelming. You suppress your emotions for some time until you can handle them.

Sometimes you deliberately use suppression to give your psyche time to digest overwhelming emotions, and later allow them to surface when some of the intensity has died down, making it easier to assimilate them.

With each period of distraction, the intensity lessens slightly until it becomes manageable again. As your emotions settle over time, more details come into focus, and you can deal with them.

The reality is that sometimes we permanently suppress memories. In those cases, it’s only problematic if doing so hinders us from leading a good life.

Certainly, people who have endured horrific experiences, such as the Holocaust, may not remember every detail, but they find a way to move forward and put their lives back together.

When Distraction and Suppression Aren’t Good Strategies

Dr. Kross identifies three indicators that your psychological immune system is overloaded and you need to address what’s happening now.

1. You can’t stop thinking about the situation. You’re caught up in thought-looping and obsessing, no matter what you try. Your thoughts are perpetually intrusive and won’t leave you alone.
2. You’re engaging in compulsive behaviors like substance abuse, gambling, overeating, or drug use.
3. You’re frantically looking for ways to fix the situation or for reassurance. You feel desperate to make everything okay and to ward off your negative emotions.

I would add another:

If you’re isolating yourself and feeling depressed to the point that you can’t manage daily self-care, or have suicidal ideation, then you need to get help and approach what’s happening rather than avoid it.

Avoidance is only helpful if you know you’re toggling back and forth between dealing with the situation and taking breaks from it to manage your life.

You’re aware that time is helping you come to terms with what’s happening to you, and you can see yourself slowly emerging from it. Often, this process happens automatically.

That’s not the same as becoming lost in it. When you lose your footing altogether for an extended period, you need to approach and face what’s happening. In this case, suppression is not helpful.

Not Just For Trauma

Using time to process emotions is an excellent strategy for any situation where you feel stuck.

This is why we sleep on problems. Allowing your subconscious to work on things, make connections in your mind, and provide more clarity helps you resolve an issue that you weren’t able to fix when you steadily kept your attention on it.

The same is true when learning something difficult.

I recently tried to learn how to use new video editing software. I read all the instructions and watched some videos about it, but I couldn’t fully understand it. I put it aside for a few days, then came back to it, and had better luck the second time. The third time I approached it, I got it.

Use time to your advantage, not only to help manage your emotions or cope with something extreme, like trauma or loss, but also to solve problems and learn new things.

Time allows your subconscious to do its best work.

When you’re consciously working on a problem but feel stuck, your subconscious scours through the memory files tucked away in the recesses of your mind and pulls out information that will help. It connects the dots for you. However, it needs time to do that.

You can only hold so much information in your conscious mind and working memory. The same goes for intense emotions. Your subconscious is your virtual assistant. Let it help you!

When you’re dealing with trauma, your subconscious and psychological immune system have your back.

With time, you will be able to process your emotions effectively, integrate the experience into your narrative, and ultimately minimize your triggers. So don’t feel like you have to do it all at once.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by A. C.​ for Unsplash+

I wish I felt better.
Why can’t I have a job like yours?
I’m always the one who has to take care of everything.
I’m bored to death. Life keeps giving me the same old same old.

Maybe none of these statements fit perfectly for you, but the idea here is about feeling stuck and lamenting it.

What’s the antidote?

Don’t lament. Take action and lean in!

What I’ve learned about people over the years of providing psychotherapy is that we all create narratives about how our lives are, then we complain about them, and often don’t take steps to make changes.

It’s normal. Everyone does this to some degree, so don’t feel chastised.

But, how do you get around it?

Obviously, by taking some action, but it’s not that simple.

First, you need to do a little psychological digging.

What’s Keeping You Where You Are?

The first step is to ask yourself what you gain by staying where you are.

If your first response is “NOTHING!”, think again. Step out a little and consider what you might be getting by staying put.

Here are some possibilities to consider.

• You don’t have to expend the emotional energy it will take to shake things up.
• You won’t have to deal with other people’s reactions to changes you want to make.
• Where you are is familiar. You’re used to it. There are no surprises to wrestle with.
• You can remain a victim of your circumstances, which is easier sometimes.
• You might fail if you try something different. Why take that risk?
• You hate conflicts and won’t have to deal with them.

Some or all of these may apply. You might think of others as you go through this exercise.

The value of asking these questions is that when you identify the psychological obstacles you contribute to the problem, it becomes easier to take action.

Otherwise, it feels like the battle is uphill because you’re fighting those obstacles without recognizing them, which gives them more power.

In most cases, we’re our own worst enemies because of our preconceived notions and defensive justifications included in our narratives.

Be honest. Don’t attack yourself. But take a good look at those obstacles without judgment.

I find it’s always helpful to ask these two questions when I get into a complaint fest with myself:

1. Who or what am I defending?
2. How is this letting me off the hook?

Recognize the Power of Your Stories

When you ruminate about the same things over and over, you give them power.

You magnify:

1. Your belief about what’s happening, including all the excruciating details.
2. And the power it has to affect you adversely.

Anything you think about repetitively and give attention to grows both in size and strength.

With each review, you infuse the narrative with more emotion. And emotions make it stick.

For example:

Let’s say a work colleague casually mentions that she wishes someone on our staff knew how to successfully write a grant. Now, I know that I’m considered a good writer by my colleagues and the boss. So when she says that, I feel offended and start ruminating at length in my mind. I work it up into a full story where I imagine she’s deliberately taking potshots at me, criticizing, and trying to humiliate me.

In this case, I’ve created a narrative that may have no basis in fact. Instead of confronting the issue by offering to write a grant or mentioning my experience in previously getting grants, I stew over it.

In that scenario, I’ve locked myself into a continuous cycle of complaints, with growing emotional fervor, without taking any action to address or rectify the issue.

You might do the same with a more serious problem that has a factual basis, such as ongoing issues with a partner. Yet there are actions you could take to address them or make improvements, but you don’t.

In some cases, you’ve exaggerated the facts or missed them altogether.

Check your stories for distortions, and notice how often you dwell on them.

That will give you a clear idea of the power you’re giving them, and help you gain some objectivity at the same time.

Take Action

Now we get to the good part. You’re going to do something that changes the narrative.

You’ve reviewed what’s keeping you where you are. You know the obstacles you face.

Now it’s time to choose a specific situation to work on and create a plan. Go through these steps to do that.

1. Imagine the end.

When you’ve resolved this issue, what will that look like? Be specific and write it down. How do you want things to be?

You need to know where you’re going before you lay out the steps to get there.

If you’re unsure what the end result will look like, start with a lesser goal and work your way up. Go as far back as you need to visualize something concrete and reachable.

2. Generate a list of actions.

What specific actions do you need to take to reach your end goal?

This is the step that people tend to skip the most. They create a goal in their mind and then start doing things with no plan.

When you go at it that way, you’re more likely to get lost and give up.

Also, remember that when you’re struggling with something that has an emotional impact, it becomes harder to perform the tasks because you fear fallout from other people’s reactions.

If you feel overwhelmed, get some help. Consider seeing a counselor or talking to a trusted friend or family member who can help you work through your fears and provide emotional support.

Emotions are what get in the way of taking action.

3. Take one step at a time.

Begin doing the tasks or actions you’ve listed in your plan. Do them one at a time and give yourself space to process each one as you go.

You’ll likely gain momentum as you experience the relief of moving toward your goal. If you find yourself taking a step backward, don’t lament. Start again and keep moving.

Also, stay flexible. If something isn’t working as you expected, go back and revise your plan. It’s more important to keep working on it and make adjustments when needed than to follow your original plan exactly.

4. Use a journal as you go through the process.

When everything remains in your head, it’s too close to see objectively. Getting it out on paper provides the mental space to clarify where you are and what you need to do next.

Journaling has consistently been shown to help reduce stress, manage emotions, and provide insights. It also reminds you when you’re sinking back into complaining.

The Hidden Benefit

The hidden benefit of learning to turn complaints into actions and solutions is that it becomes a regular habit.

Instead of getting lost in a sea of rumination and feeling stuck, you become skilled at finding solutions to problems. And you feel good about yourself. Your confidence grows.

A little complaining can help clarify what’s bothering you. But once you know what that is, don’t get stuck there. Use it as a launching pad.

You’ll get all these benefits:

• You become more self-reflective and emotionally intelligent.
• Your narratives are more accurate and provide clarity.
• You build confidence in yourself and strengthen your ability to steer your life.
• Other people show you more respect (because you respect yourself more).

Turn those chronic complaints into sparks for change. Start small and keep going.

That’s all for today.

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by AntonioGuillem

Let’s start today’s article with a question: Is ADHD a real thing?

Some people think it’s just a description for people who have a hard time managing their lives, but there’s not really anything wrong with them that should prevent them from getting it together.

Others, especially those who have ADHD, know it’s more than that.

The scientific answer to the question is that it’s very real. There are distinctive brain differences for people with ADHD that significantly affect their executive functioning.

Executive functions include things such as attending, making decisions, planning, focusing, and executing tasks. They’re seated in the prefrontal cortex in the front part of your brain, and are associated with the ability to be objective, think critically, be rational, and practice self-observation.

People with ADHD aren’t able to access their executive functions efficiently, and when they do, it’s in tandem with constant intruding stimulation that easily pulls them away from attending.

Today, I’ll provide a brief overview of strategies that someone with ADHD can use to help manage distractions and also review some of the brain processes that get in the way.

If you don’t have ADHD, you may still take advantage of these strategies to help you focus at will.

The Two Brain Networks

Last week, I discussed two modes of mental operation that we use when thinking. These are the task-positive network and the default mode network.

To quickly summarize, the TPN (task-positive network) is in operation when you are focused and engaged in doing a task. You’re in control.

The DMN (default mode network) is in operation when your mind is wandering. It’s more like free-floating, where thoughts and emotions arise without volition. This is the mode where imagination, creative thinking, and ruminating are in operation.

Normally, when someone is operating in the TPN (doing a task), their DMN shuts off. There’s no interference. You can attend, focus, and immerse yourself deeply in your work until you decide to stop.

For the person with ADHD, the DMN never shuts off. Even when they get into the TPN, they have constant competing thoughts coming in from the DMN. It’s like trying to work with static in the background. Often, noisy static.

This is why someone starts a task, gets sidetracked by something that pops into their mind, and loses focus altogether, only to realize later that they have been distracted from the task they had set out to do and are now totally immersed in something else.

It reminds me of kids going through the check-out line at the grocery store with their moms. They know they’re supposed to be quiet and still while the groceries are bagged and Mom pays.

However, as they walk through the aisle, there’s a whole stand of candy and snacks at eye level, and they become completely distracted by it. A kid with ADHD will likely start picking things up, and some may open them. It’s simply too much stimulation to bypass.

The DMN is like the candy stand.

This phenomenon of constant distraction via the DMN has been validated through the use of MRIs, which show the differences in neuron firing in the brains of people with ADHD and those without it. It’s real.

The second thing to note about the TPN and DMN is that usually, we can toggle back and forth between them. And, when in the DMN, we can toggle easily between the past and the future.

However, the person with ADHD has a faulty switch, and toggling doesn’t occur smoothly. Instead of an easy back and forth between past and future, and controlled movement from TPN to DMN, everything becomes jumbled together.

No wonder it’s hard to focus!

Hyperfocusing

A second problem to mention is the tendency of people with ADHD to hyperfocus. This ability is what confuses people about ADHD.

If you have children with ADHD, you know they can spend hours in front of a video game while the house is on fire without noticing it. That’s because when the stimulation is potent and fast, they can become so focused that they don’t hear or see anything else.

It’s not the same as being in a state of flow. It’s a heightened kind of tension and intensity. Being in a state of flow is a relaxed state. Hyperfocus is not. It’s more like cocaine.

Video games, in particular, are designed to provide a steady stream of novelty and stimulation, producing ever-increasing hits of dopamine. That’s why they’re so appealing to someone with ADHD.

The issue for a person with ADHD is not a lack of attention. It’s that they have a racecar brain with faulty brakes.

Think of a car out of control as opposed to one operating smoothly between the gas pedal and brakes.

There’s a lot more to know about ADHD, and I recommend the book ADHD 2.0 by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey for further reading. It’s fascinating! And the research is both compelling and thorough.

The Strategies

But for now, let’s go through some strategies you can try.

1. Interrupt the DMN

When you catch yourself off on some tangent instead of doing the task you set out to do, get up. Do something physical that interrupts your wandering mind.

Thinking about it won’t help. You can do jumping jacks, take a short walk, clean something up, put a load of clothes in the washer, take a shower, or step into another room.

Do something that physically distracts you back into observing yourself so you can access your prefrontal cortex again and get back to task.

By the way, exercising of any kind helps increase dopamine, which helps you attend and focus.

Studies have shown that kids who exercise on a treadmill for 30 minutes in the morning before math class have significantly higher scores on standardized math tests than those who don’t exercise first (Ratey). A friend of mine used to jump rope for 30 minutes before taking exams in college and got much better grades as a result.

2. Make a Task Stack

Instead of a long list of all the things you have to do, create a stack of index cards – or pieces of paper – and on each one, write one single task.

When you have about five of them or less, stack them in the order you want to do them. Take the top one, do the task, tear it up, and toss it. Now take the next one. Only look at the one task you’re working on. That’s key.

You can make a bigger stack and go at it over the day, but be careful not to insert too much time between tasks because if you have ADHD, you won’t come back to the stack. Better to make several stacks and tackle one at a time.

You can use this strategy even if you’re not struggling with ADHD.

It’s a good way to reduce anxiety and overwhelm and stay single-minded while completing a task.

You can still keep that big list somewhere so you don’t forget anything. But use the stacks for doing the work.

3. Balance Exercises

Balance is a function of the cerebellum, which consists of two small lobes located at the back and base of the brain. It‘s responsible for your physical balance and spatial perception.

However, research has demonstrated that it also impacts your emotional equilibrium.

“It helps to preserve emotional and cognitive stability by sending out small signals that do not rise to the level of consciousness” (Hallowell).

MRI studies have shown that the central strip down the midline of the cerebellum, which is called the vermis, is slightly smaller for people with ADHD.

However, because the cerebellum is highly plastic, exercising it can enhance its functioning.

As such, you can improve your ADHD symptoms by engaging in balancing exercises like practicing Yoga, Tai Chi, or martial arts. You can also do simple things like:

• Standing on one leg until you feel like you’re going to fall over
• Standing on a wobble board for as long as you can
• Sitting on an exercise ball with your feet off the floor
• Doing a plank and holding for up to three minutes
• Try to put your socks on standing up

(Note: Dr. Hallowell used these exercises with a young boy who had severe ADHD and successfully improved his symptoms as a result.)

4. Play to Strengths

People with ADHD are more sensitive to criticism.

Partly this is due to having received negative feedback repeatedly over time because of difficulties with executive functioning.

They tend to be distractible, lose track of time, impulsive, hyperactive, and struggle to focus on tasks. And they get in trouble for it.

At the same time, they’re often very creative, imaginative, innovative, enthusiastic, empathetic, and can think outside the box.

It’s essential to approach yourself (if you have ADHD) by playing to your strengths while developing strategies to enhance your executive functions.

Shaming is the worst strategy because it not only ignores the reality of what someone with ADHD struggles with, but it will sink them and lead to depression and self-deprecation.

1. Play to your strengths.
2. Stay connected with people who love and care about you.
3. Educate yourself on the best methods for enhancing your braking ability while maximizing your racecar performance.

You have a lot to offer. Don’t forget that.

Just a note: Medication is another strategy I didn’t address today, but it can be beneficial in some cases. If you want to read more about that, see Chapter 8 in ADHD 2.0.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

_{Hallowell, E. M. & Ratey, J. J. (2021). ADHD 2.0: New Science and Essential Strategies for Surviving with Distraction – – from Childhood through Adulthood. Ballantine Books.}

_{Ratey, J. J. & Hagerman, E. (2008). Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain. Little, Brown and Company.}

Photo by Alistair MacRobert on Unsplash

If people trust you, everything is easier. You get better jobs, your intimate relationships are stronger, your kids feel cared for, and friends value your friendship.

Even if you already think that you’re trustworthy, it’s a good idea to take a quick assessment of the following habits and practices and measure your behavior against them.

No one’s perfect, and most of us have areas that still need improvement. Having the list will help you figure out where you need to make some changes.

This article is a companion piece to a previous article titled “9 Characteristics of Trustworthy People.“ ​That article provides an overview, but in this article, we’ll delve more specifically into behaviors.

1. Keep confidentiality.

You might say, “Of course!” But it’s not that easy, especially in families or among close friends. We all talk about each other. It’s normal.

However, the people you’re closest to want to know that they can tell you something and you’ll keep it to yourself, even if they haven’t specified it. You intuitively know it would upset them if you were to disclose it, so you don’t.

You understand how they would feel if you were to discuss their secrets with others. Embarrassed, exposed, weakened in others’ eyes, or having to explain themselves to people who don’t need to know.

No matter your intention, it’s a betrayal, and once done, it puts a dent in the trust between you.

If you believe the issue needs to be addressed with others, then state that upfront. Don’t promise to keep confidentiality and then decide later that you can’t uphold that promise.

If you’re not sure going in, make that clear also. Strive to agree on who needs to know if that applies.

2. Don’t use personal information someone has divulged to you against them later.

This is a big one with lots of emotional fallout.

When someone shares something about themselves that they see as a weakness or vulnerability, they want to know you won’t use it against them later. This is especially true with couples and family members.

For example, my husband and I are both psychotherapists, so you can imagine the things we’ve shared about our backgrounds and psychological issues we’ve each had to address. Consequently, we’re very careful not to use that knowledge against each other when having disagreements. Doing so would be damaging.

You must keep personal disclosures separate from disagreements or arguments and avoid saying something in anger that touches a sensitive subject or emotional sore spot.

If you don’t, your partner (or whoever) will start closing up and not trust you with vulnerable information.

Using someone’s vulnerability against them is a betrayal and erodes trust.

The closer and more vulnerable you become with someone, the more trust becomes a focus.

3. Follow through.

Whatever you promise to do, do it! And if you can’t, let the other person know as soon as possible.

Your reason should make sense, and you should have a plan to make good on it.

The closer you get to someone, the easier it is to take them for granted. If you tend to run late, and they know that about you, what’s the big deal? You’ll get there eventually, and they know you will.

The big deal is that it shows a lack of respect and care for their time.

If you don’t follow through on things, you show a lack of consideration and care for the other person’s feelings, along with a lack of respect.

You may not mean any of that, but taking advantage of someone’s understanding and patience with you has consequences. If done a lot, resentment builds, even if not verbalized, and seeps into trust.

Some people have no trouble being on time, showing up, and following through; however, others struggle with these issues, especially those who are genuinely ADHD. I’ll discuss this next week.

For now, if you or someone you care about faces this challenge, it’s important to discuss it and develop strategies before it affects your relationship and trust.

4. Don’t keep secrets.

Secrets in relationships have a way of surfacing sooner or later, and, in most cases, aren’t well received.

If you’re keeping secrets from your partner, older kids, or friends, examine your reasons. Ask yourself:

1. What am I afraid of?
2. What will happen if I’m found out?
3. What are my reasons (other than fear)?

It’s normal not to say everything you’re thinking and feeling. However, when building a close relationship based on trust, you should be able to express your thoughts and feelings as long as you’re respectful.

Closeness and self-disclosure go together. The closer you are, the more you reveal the intimate details of who you are, what you value, your struggles, and your aspirations.

Keeping secrets can feel dishonest and undermine trust. Plus, it’s stressful to hide things from someone you care about because there’s the fear that you’ll be discovered, and then what?

If you’re in a committed relationship and want to build trust, be open and honest, and don’t keep things from your partner. That’s assuming, of course, that you can trust them too.

5. Be there.

There are many ways to be there for someone. Any of these apply.

• Be emotionally available and accessible. Share your feelings openly and encourage the same for the other person.
• Show interest and concern by talking, touching, checking in regularly, and paying close attention.
• When spending time together, be present. Pay attention to the other person unless you’ve both agreed to do your own thing while together. That can be comfortable too, if agreed upon.
• Spend enough physical time together to satisfy each other’s needs. This applies to couples, family members, friends, and especially parents and their children.

Knowing that someone wants to be with you and is concerned about what you need is a significant part of trust.

6. Avoid lying.

Lying is implied in all of the above factors but deserves a category of its own.

Lying erodes trust faster than anything else. Even little white lies told to avoid arguments have an adverse effect.

You might put off discussing something for a better time, but lying outright will almost always backfire.

You want to feel secure that what your partner, friend, or family member is telling you is true. And you’d prefer not to have to question that. This applies to your boss or work colleagues as well.

Children will naturally lie to you sometimes out of fear or to see how far they can go. However, you still teach them that lying is wrong and damages your trust in them. It also goes both ways: lying to your children erodes their trust in you as well.

Practice telling the truth if you tend to fudge things or tell white lies. If you grew up with abusive parents, you might have learned to lie to stay safe, and that makes sense. But as an adult, it’s not a healthy habit.

Two Key Guiding Principles

The key guiding principle to building and maintaining trust in any relationship is to gauge how your behavior will affect the well-being and feelings of the other person. In other words, empathy.

A second focus is contact. By that, I mean emotional contact and physical presence. Both are necessary for building trust, as well as for intimacy and closeness.

Nothing takes the place of being in each other’s presence while emotionally available.

Strive for both and follow the guidelines above, and you’ll build trust, commitment, and growing affection simultaneously.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Roman Bilik on Unsplash

Have you ever gotten caught in a negative thought storm about someone you know and wished you could just let it go, but you can’t? It replays, and replays, until you’re sick of it.

It’s like you can’t help it. You think about it, catch yourself, move on to something else, but it creeps back in without permission.

There are reasons why this happens. Knowing them helps you decide which solutions to use to stop the onslaught.

Let’s start with one of the more obvious ones.

You Don’t Want to Confront It

If the complaint is about someone you have an ongoing relationship with, it’s likely something you need to address. Or, at the very least, come to terms with.

It’s common to ruminate about your partner’s faults, your kids’ issues, your boss’s annoying behaviors, and even sometimes your friends’ idiosyncrasies.

If the thing you keep mulling over is something that directly affects you, and you can’t make peace with it, it’s time to confront it.

If you’re not sure if you should do that, start by asking yourself these two questions:

1. How does this behavior directly affect me? Is it something that’s causing me distress or harm, or just something I don’t like?
2. Is it simply a personality characteristic that gets on my nerves but isn’t causing me harm?

That’s an important distinction. You can be very bothered by someone’s personality quirks, but they don’t cause you any real harm or impact you other than to irritate you.

In other cases, the issue is real and has a significant impact on you.

For example, if someone is highly critical, yells frequently, or takes advantage of you, then a conversation is warranted, along with setting clear boundaries.

But if they like to sit in the same chair every night and read the newspaper, and it annoys you, that’s not something that hurts you. It’s more idiosyncratic.

Decide whether you need to speak up, and if not, work on letting go.

You might let it go, even if it impacts you, if the person in question isn’t someone you want to continue spending time with. You may decide it’s not worth the emotional energy to confront it.

Either way, take some action to resolve it so you can stop ruminating about it.

The Issue is Something You Struggle With

This one may not be so obvious, but it’s worth considering.

If you find yourself going over and over the same complaints in your mind about someone, stop for a moment and ask yourself if anything you’re complaining about is something you do or struggle with.

Maybe not. But take enough time to seriously consider that question without feeling defensive about it.

It’s not uncommon to do this. And you shouldn’t be hard on yourself about it.

It means that you’re noticing something that requires some thought and likely some change, even though you haven’t yet taken ownership of it.

We all do this. You can thank your subconscious for bringing it to your attention through a side door.

It’s humbling, but it promotes your growth. Welcome it and use it to your advantage.

What’s It To You?

Why are these issues so important to you that they occupy your mind often?

One of the more common answers to this question is that there is some historical significance.

Either it’s reminiscent of something in your past that remains unresolved, or it reminds you of someone from your history with whom you struggled and felt powerless to escape or confront.

History is a confounding influence because we often repeat our early experiences in our adult lives, sometimes without conscious awareness.

You grew up with a nagging parent and find yourself doing the same thing, or you marry someone who micromanages you.

We subconsciously gravitate toward what’s familiar. Even if “familiar” was abusive or crushing or left us feeling unseen and unloved.

It’s one of the conundrums as adults that’s so bothersome.

If you’re ruminating about something, ask yourself what it reminds you of. Not just the behavior, but also the dynamics and the effects.

Someone may not be anything like your parent, but the way they treat you has similar dynamics to those that occurred between you and your parent.

For example, you could be married to someone who seems nothing like your Dad, but the way he distances himself from you is similar to your Dad’s aloofness. It evokes the same feelings of neglect and insignificance.

The dynamics are the same, even if the personalities are different. And the way it makes you feel is the same.

These triggers are potent and can bring on repetitive ruminations for hours.

If you find yourself having conversations in your head, telling someone off, or explaining why you’re upset, then have a real conversation.

Alternatively, you can discuss it with someone else first, such as a counselor, if you need to.

The Default Mode Network (DMN)

When you’re ruminating without intention, in other words, your mind is wandering without your volition, you’re in the default mode network.

Let’s back up. There are two mental modes we operate from.

1. The first is called the task-positive network (TPN). In this mode, your focus is deliberate and channeled toward your intended task. You’re in control of this mode.
2. The second mode is the default-mode network (DMN). In this mode, your mental activity is not deliberate. It’s activated by associations you’re not consciously guiding. It’s happening to you rather than you making it happen.

The DMN is the mode where you can daydream or have creative thoughts that pop up in your mind.

It’s also the mode where your past can intrude into your thinking and pull you back to experiences you’ve had, both positive and negative. Or it can catapult you into the future, where you imagine what could be or how things might go.

The DMN is a valuable part of our mental facility because it’s where we access our creativity and imagination. It’s where outside-the-box ideas come from. We need it.

However, if you have something gnawing at you that you can’t resolve, it crops up unbidden in your mind when you’re in the DMN, which is anytime you’re not in task mode.

And sometimes, it happens when you’re doing something that doesn’t require all of your focus, like folding laundry or cooking a meal.

You need your DMN, but when you get stuck in a maze of repetitive complaints or worries, take a moment to readjust and use the questions we outlined above.

Is it something related to the past, a worry you’re catastrophizing, or an issue you need to have a conversation about with someone?

Flip to the task-positive mindset (TPN), which you’ll do as soon as you ask the questions. Those questions pull your mind back into the prefrontal cortex, where your executive functions live: attending, making decisions, planning, focusing, and doing. Then, you can decide how to proceed.

All Together

Getting stuck in a critical rant about someone or something isn’t in your best interest, but sometimes, it’s necessary to help you clarify what’s bothering you.

When you find yourself doing it, take the next step and examine what’s going on. Where is it coming from, and what action do you need to take?

There’s a fine line between letting your mind wander enough to see what’s there and taking action to use it to your advantage.

Repetitive ruminating about what’s wrong with someone else, regardless of how accurate your perceptions might be, isn’t helpful unless you do something with it.

You may decide to let it go, and in some cases, that may be the best course of action. But more often, it’s one or a combo of the things we discussed above.

Make it work for you!

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Related articles:

How to Prepare for a Difficult Conversation
How to Handle Negative Thoughts About Your Partner
The Perils of Gossip: 6 Ways to Avoid Getting Sucked In

Photo by Bastian Weltjen

When you think of self-discipline, the two words that most likely pop up in your mind are willpower and motivation.

Those certainly help, but they aren’t always easy to access. Sometimes you have to come in the back door.

You take a small action, feel a little motivation, take another action, get another motivation boost, and so on.

But what if you can’t even get yourself to take that first action?

It’s time to try something else, and that something else is to make better use of your environment.

Your environment can help you sidestep resistance and move you along so that you eventually feel motivated.

In other words, you don’t have to muster up a lot of willpower or energy to get started. You can instead put yourself in the right environment to instigate some action that will get you going, and your motivation will follow.

There are three aspects of the environment to consider and use. Let’s go through them.

People

We’re social animals. The need to belong is part of our DNA.

Even if you consider yourself an individualist and prefer to keep your own company, you still need contact with other people, whether through reading books, being out in public for short amounts of time, or belonging to a group of some sort, like a book or business club.

That said, who you spend time with has a significant impact on how you think, feel, and behave. Especially those with whom you spend a lot of time.

There’s science behind this fact, based on the operation of a specific type of neuron in your brain called a mirror neuron.

The more you’re around someone and engage with them, the more your brain syncs with them due to the action of mirror neurons.

The way they work is that when you observe someone else doing something with intent, the neurons in your brain fire the same as those in the brain of the person doing that thing.

You watch me pour a cup of coffee, and your brain syncs with mine and maps out a neural representation of the same action in your head. It’s actually rather amazing and is the basis of how much learning occurs.

It follows that you need to be deliberate in choosing the company you keep, as they will influence you and vice versa.

I’m sure you’ve had that experience. You end up using similar phrases when you talk, take on each other’s mannerisms, engage in similar activities, and often pick up each other’s habits.

How to Use This

So, what this means is that if you hang out with self-disciplined people, you’re more likely to be the same way.

If I want to write well, I read books by the best writers on how to write. I take the courses they offer and listen to them. I read their articles daily.

And even better, if I have an opportunity to write in the same room with someone else who’s writing, I’ll take it. That setting makes it much easier to stay engaged.

For example, right now, I’m writing in the same room as my sister, who is also working on her computer.

The same applies to character.

If you surround yourself with people who have a strong work ethic, are committed, empathetic, have integrity, and are trustworthy, you’re more likely to engage in and increase those qualities in yourself.

The converse is also true, so be sure to choose wisely.

Set yourself up to keep company with people who emulate your values, are self-disciplined, and know how to achieve their goals.

When you can, do your work in their company. They’ll rub off on you, and your assets will rub off on them too.

Places

A better word here would be settings.

When you want to accomplish something, choose the setting you know is most likely to help you stay steady in your efforts.

This is why some people go to a library to do their work. It helps them avoid being distracted.

On the other hand, some people love working at home alone. They get much more accomplished that way.

But to do that, you have to be good at structuring yourself. I’m that way now, but in my 30s and 40s, I had to be in a setting that provided outside structure.

If you need some help with structure, don’t fight it.

Work at an office where you have deadlines you can’t escape. Or create accountability in a way that will mean something to you.

Maybe you just need the stimulation of other people. Work in a group setting or adopt a hybrid approach that combines some in-office work with some at-home work.

Another helpful type of setting is using an accountability partner, where you both keep each other steady.

These days, with technology, you can work with someone else online, over the phone, or even just by texting back and forth.

I remember when my son was in middle school, he did his math on the phone with his friend who was in the same class. They did it every night, and both did well in class as a result.

Choose Carefully

Settings not only apply to work issues but to any type of disciplined activity or behavior. This is why people go to the gym to exercise, join a book club to read, or attend a self-help group to overcome a problem.

Choose settings and people that will provide the optimal atmosphere for whatever behavior, work, goal, or attitude you’re trying to upgrade.

Conversely, avoid settings that you know will inhibit your progress. Don’t discount their effects.

Figure out what environmental setting is most conducive for you to succeed. And then pursue it.

Things

Things are a more nebulous category, but they still have a place and influence.

Things are objects such as dinging cellphones, background noise that’s distracting, or any substance that’s addictive and interferes with your discipline.

Things are deeply entwined with settings, yet they possess their own power. If the novel I’m dying to finish is in plain sight while I’m working on my taxes, which do you think is going to win out?

What about you? What things distract you or keep you from disciplining yourself to accomplish your goals or control your behavior?

Then again, what things help? A cup of coffee, the right chair, a computer desk, a particular pen, or a specific lamp.

What things should you avoid or quiet, and what things can you bring into your environment to encourage you?

Putting It Together

Okay, let’s put it all together.

1. Your environment has a significant impact on how well you can discipline yourself to meet your goals, behave the way you like to, live your values, and get things done.
2. Construct your environment so that it works with you, not against you. Use it to initiate action, which then leads to motivation and drive.
3. Consider your environment to be your partner. Hopefully, not your partner in crime, but your partner in success.

Here’s a quote from James Clear that summarizes it for you:

Think about self-control less as the quality of a person and more as the quality of a place. There are some places and situations that lean toward lower self-control and others that lean toward higher self-control. Self-control is about your context as much as your character. Put yourself in good positions. ~ James Clear

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Daniel Brubaker on Unsplash

In close, intimate relationships, there are usually some topics you avoid talking about. Either there’s an unspoken agreement not to broach them, or there’s something hidden that one or the other of you doesn’t want to expose. The term for this practice is circumscribing.

Circumscribing can occur in any close relationship.

For example:

Your teenager doesn’t want to tell you everything that goes on with his friends.

Or your therapist doesn’t discuss her personal problems with you during your sessions.

In both these cases, circumscribing is normal and acceptable.

But what about parenting differences you and your spouse have that you can’t talk about?

Or spending habits you don’t see eye to eye on?

Or the clutter in your home that one of you has a problem with?

What can you not talk about, and why not?

That’s the first question. The second question is, what’s the cost?

Let’s start with the reasons you might avoid specific topics.

The Why: Reasons Behind Circumscribing

1. You’re afraid.

You’re afraid of the other person’s reactions. They might become angry, blow up, criticize you, or give you the cold shoulder.

2. You’ve unsuccessfully addressed this issue before.

You’ve talked this issue to death with no resolution. If you bring it up, the immediate reaction will be, “Not this again. There’s no point in having this conversation.”

3. You don’t want to disturb the peace.

You hate conflicts. They make you anxious. You’re afraid of driving the other person away or creating distance. Or you’re worried they’ll shut down. At the extreme, you’re afraid of losing them.

4. The other person will think poorly of you.

You think there will be an adverse reaction to what you have to say, and you’ll look bad or disappoint your partner, causing permanent damage to the relationship.

5. Disagreeing makes you feel guilty.

You doubt yourself and think that your needs aren’t as important as the other person’s. So, if you bring something up that will cause discomfort, you hesitate. You don’t like to ask for anything.

6. Only one of you is open to discussion.

Only one of you likes to talk things through. The other tends to avoid any issues that could cause a disagreement. So you suck it up and hold your tongue.

Now for the costs.

The Costs: Slow Disintegration of the Relationship

When circumscribing is a regular practice in a relationship, several things happen over time.

1. Trust erodes
2. Avoidance increases
3. Indifference seeps in and takes root

All three of these things spell destruction for the relationship. You might stay together, or if this applies to a family member, you’ll still be family, but distance will increase. And with that, barriers are erected against closeness and intimacy.

Let’s take a look at how this happens using Mark Knapp’s Stages of Relationships. He’s created a model that illustrates how relationships form and destruct. Here’s a diagram of it.

As you can see, he describes five stages of how a relationship develops, grows, and stabilizes on the left side. These are the “Coming Together” stages.

He then explains how a relationship breaks down and slowly atrophies on the right side, which are the “Coming Apart” stages.

Here’s a brief description of each phase.

Coming Together

Initiating. You meet someone and have a positive impression, along with an interest in furthering your interaction and finding out more about them.

Experimenting. You begin sharing personal information and testing the waters to see if the connection will remain steady. You’re learning more about each other.

Intensifying. Your feelings for each other increase and intensify, along with your desire to be together. You each disclose more intimate details about yourselves.

Integrating. You start to merge your lives. You become a couple with a shared identity and present yourselves as a unit in social and familial circles.

Bonding. You fully commit to the relationship and integrate your lives to create a long-term, stable connection.

Coming Apart

These stages go in reverse order on the chart, so we begin with “differentiating.”

Differentiating. When you first get involved in a relationship and move through the stages of forming a stable bond, you focus more on your similarities to each other. Early relationships are symbiotic. You see yourselves as a unit where all your tendencies and personality characteristics complement each other.

Once you’ve committed, you must reestablish your individuality and autonomy within the relationship while maintaining your bond. This is a normal developmental phase and is necessary for a healthy relationship.

In this phase, you notice differences. You begin to become more aware of each other’s idiosyncrasies, temperaments, behavior patterns, and needs.

Good relationships navigate this phase and can integrate individual differences and likenesses through negotiation while maintaining affection and a desire to be together.

Circumscribing. In all relationships, there are things you might not disclose. But for the most part, in relationships that last, off-limits subjects are few, especially when it comes to issues that are deeply meaningful and tied to your identities, values, beliefs, and needs.

The more subjects that are off-limits, the more precarious the health of the relationship.

Couples often seek out therapy during this stage, complaining about their inability to communicate effectively.

Stagnating. At this stage, communication becomes less frequent and is more perfunctory. You continue to go through the motions, but without the same investment or interest. From here, the relationship begins to sink.

Avoiding. When circumscribing is prevalent, and one or both partners have to submerge their needs to keep the peace, avoidance becomes a regular practice.

You don’t bring up things that are on the off-limits list, but you feel the effects. There’s a decline in affection, trust, and satisfaction.

Terminating. Avoidance over time leads to distance and a lack of interest. You begin to care less for your partner’s well-being and happiness because you feel ignored and unimportant.

When indifference outweighs the desire to connect, the relationship dies.

You might stay together, but you feel alone, or you live separate lives while cohabiting. Typically, the relationship ends.

The Pivot Point

Knapp’s schematic is helpful in many ways, but especially in pinpointing where a relationship teeters between remaining viable or beginning the descent to failure.

Circumscribing is that pivot point, and knowing that can help you take stock of how it plays out in your relationships.

Use these questions to start a conversation:

1. What subjects are off-limits for discussion, or if discussed, end in a stalemate?
2. What subjects do each of us avoid or want to avoid? Why?
3. How do we deal with our differences? Are we ever successful at talking them through? What’s our usual procedure, or is there one?
4. Do we feel heard by each other?

A good exercise is to make a list of your answers separately and then come together and compare notes.

If a lot of circumscribing exists in your relationship, the exercise will be challenging because you aren’t used to engaging in these “off-limits” conversations. That’s why it’s good to create your lists separately at first and then go through them slowly together.

Set Up Some Rules

I would suggest you set up rules before you start. Basic rules are things like:

• Take a break if either of you becomes overwhelmed or too angry and needs time to calm down
• No personal attacks
• Take turns listening without interruption

You can decide together what rules you need.

A good practice is to divide the conversation into several discussions, with the first discussion focusing only on understanding each other’s feelings and thoughts.

Don’t problem-solve until after you feel some connection with each other and have a desire to make improvements.

If you’re not comfortable tackling this on your own, you can also engage a counselor to guide you through the process.

The goal is to close the distance between you that’s been created by avoiding difficult conversations and ignoring each other’s needs.

You need to rebuild your trust and intimacy, which can be achieved as long as you’re both willing and patient. It won’t work unless both people are on board.

The good thing is that even a relationship that has become significantly estranged can be turned around if both partners are willing to put in the work.

By the way, you can apply this process to any intimate relationship, including family members, close friends, or parents with their teens or adult children.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by RichVintage

You make an important decision every morning, usually before you get out of bed. You decide what kind of day you’re going to have.

Not just whether good or bad things will happen, but how you’ll feel about them; what you expect, and how it will impact you.

You decide all of that in moments after waking up.

Often, you make the decision on autopilot without intention. But it’s in your best interest to make that decision deliberately and consciously.

If you don’t, you’ll be subject to the whims of your emotions, likely for the whole day.

So, how do you take advantage of this choice? Here’s what I do.

When I wake up every day, before I even sit up, I say to myself:

“Barb, you’re going to make today a good day!”

Okay! That’s a good intention, but there’s more to it. Let’s start with what it doesn’t mean.

What It Doesn’t Mean

It doesn’t mean that:

• Everything’s going to go well.
• There will be no tough problems to encounter or solve.
• Everyone else will be easygoing, kind, and friendly toward you.
• Your mood won’t fluctuate and will remain positive.
• You’ll meet all the goals you set out to do for the day.
• You’ll be happy!

We both know that’s not how life works.

Some mornings, you wake up in a bad mood, or what you have on your plate for the day is grueling and anxiety-producing. Those are things that happen outside of your control.

Yet, even in those circumstances, you can make the choice to meet those obstacles with a firm can-do attitude and openness to make the most of them.

That brings us to what having a good day does mean.

What It Does Mean

Having a good day means that you will:

• Assume a positive attitude and approach situations with an open mind.
• Notice and be grateful for anything you can.
• View each person you interact with through a compassionate lens, even those who are difficult.
• Stick to boundaries you’ve set calmly and affirmatively.
• Avoid personalizing.
• Strive to make a positive impact no matter the circumstances or tasks at hand.
• Appreciate opportunities for learning, insights, and growth.
• View struggles as challenges to help you reach higher.
• Accept that not everything will go well, but there’s another day.

That’s a lot, isn’t it? It is, but with practice, you can get so good at it that your reactions are automated. You automatically keep your mind open, look for silver linings, and appreciate what you can learn.

The key is your attitude toward your emotions.

Here’s what I mean:

We all want to be happy. All the time, if possible. And we interpret our experiences against that desire. Whether we feel happy or not.

That’s nothing new, but what you need to keep in the front of your mind is that:

1. Emotions are fleeting.
2. But you can use them to your benefit.

When you succumb to your emotions and the desire to feel happy all the time, you shortchange yourself.

You allow your feelings to color your experiences and control your state of mind.

You wake up in the morning feeling off, depressed, grumpy, or dread what you have on your agenda for the day. So, you cave into that.

Your emotions lead. They color how your day’s going to go without your input, other than to inflate and exacerbate the feelings you woke up with.

You are not your emotions.

They do have a significant impact on how you experience things, but you can influence them with intention.

Even if you’re feeling moody, you can make your day better. You can use your thinking to take actions that will shift your emotions.

Emotions can be very fickle. They affect your drive and motivation, but you can make them work for you instead of having them control you. You can harness that drive.

Much of how you feel is due to how you perceive and interpret your experiences.

I’m not suggesting you repress or suppress your emotions. I’m never a fan of that, but you can put them aside when you need to. You can challenge them. You can take actions that change them. And you can embrace them and make them work to your advantage.

They have the power you give them. And when they get out of hand, you can take a step back and look at them from a distance, which dilutes their power.

You can also use your self-talk strategies we reviewed last week to impact them.

Try This:

Get in the habit of saying to yourself before you get out of bed,

“I’m going to make this a good day.” Not “It’s going to be a good day,” but “I’ll make it a good day.” Use your agency.

You can also use your first name instead of “I” if you like, as it can have more impact.

Things that Help

There are some habits you can develop to help you keep your emotions in check throughout the day. Here are some you might try.

1. Create a morning routine that includes affirming rituals, such as meditation, a gratitude list, or quiet time.
2. Take breaks throughout the day. They can be short, but make them restful.
3. Set realistic goals for each day the night before.
4. But also be flexible. Flexibility is essential for making any day good, as things are constantly in flux, some days more than others.
5. Don’t personalize other people’s bad moods. Be kind, supportive, and helpful, but give people space when they need it.
6. Use mistakes to improve, not demoralize yourself.
7. Engage in calming activities and self-care. Have your favorite cup of coffee on your break and sit outside.
8. Take a midday or morning walk if the weather permits.
9. Debrief at the end of the day. What went well? What changes do you want to make tomorrow?

You don’t need to use all of these, but choose some to start with that are a good fit for you. These habits should make your day easier, not add additional work or create stress.

The Mindset

Now that we’ve talked about how to have a good day, there will still be days that leave you saying to yourself, “Thank goodness this day’s over.” That’s to be expected.

There are also days I call ‘red light days,’ because, no matter what you do, you feel like you’re spinning your wheels. Sometimes, you need to take some time off.

However, you can improve the quality of your daily life by cultivating a reliable mindset for when things feel out of control. Think of it as your morning mindset.

The essential elements are:

• Flexibility
• Productivity
• Steady mood
• Calm
• Reasonable goals
• Kindness and compassion (toward yourself as well as others)

You won’t adopt this mindset easily every day, but conscious awareness of it will help you maintain it through most days.

I keep this list handy, where I can see it, to remind myself when my emotions start to take over.

A quick round of square breathing and a glance at the list help put things back in perspective and tip the day up. Give it a try!

That’s all for today!

Have a good week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by nensuria

What is negative self-talk?

It’s a specific type of chatter that rattles on in your mind, usually involuntarily. If you’re able to stop it for a moment, it starts back up as soon as you relax. And most often, you have little to no control over it.

Here are three examples:

Why did I say that? What was I thinking? They’re going to think I’m nuts, and now everyone’s mad at me.

I’m going to feel so awkward the next time I’m around any of them. I’m sure they won’t want me there. What if I say something stupid again? I’ll be so embarrassed and never live it down. And I still have to see them at work every day. How can I?

How do I always get in this place? Can’t I control myself? I just rattle on without thinking and say such stupid stuff. I’m really a nutcase! I know that’s what people think, and they’re right! I’ve got nothing to offer.

Okay, let’s break this down a bit.

Three Types of Negative Chatter

The examples I just gave stem from a single incident. They illustrate the three types of negative self-talk we most often engage in.

This categorization comes from Ethan Kross, a psychologist and researcher who wrote the book Chatter. His three categories are:

1. Rumination
2. Worry
3. Self-Beratement

Rumination

Rumination is obsessing about the past. You did something, or something happened, and you keep going over it.

You get focused on every detail of your behavior or performance and second-guess what you did or said. You imagine people’s negative reactions to you.

You can’t let go of it and shift your focus to something else.

Rumination is repetitive and holds you emotionally hostage.

Worry

The second part of “chatter” is to worry about the future. This is where all the what-ifs live and thrive.

Now that I’ve done this thing, here are all the horrible repercussions that could happen in the future because of it.

A note here: Worry doesn’t necessarily always have to do with something you’ve done. As you well know, it can be about anything.

But the hallmark of it is to catastrophize about all the possible things that could go wrong.

And like rumination, worry is relentless and repetitive.

Self-Beratement

The last category is turning in on yourself with harsh criticism, beratement, and self-doubt.

This chatter is brutal and unforgiving. You create a picture of yourself that’s narrowed down to a single incident or behavior and see it as the whole.

You’re not someone who made a mistake; you are the mistake.

And like the other two categories of chatter, this one is an endless stream with no letting up.

So, what can you do to stop this assault?

If you read ​Chatter​, you’ll learn about all the possible methods of quieting and getting control over it, which I recommend.

For our purposes today, I will review six of the tools Dr. Kross prescribes. These tools are all backed by research, which surprised me but also delighted me, as the results are encouraging.

Here we go.

1. Say Your Name

I love this one because it requires minimal effort. It’s easy.

As you talk to yourself, move from first person to third person. Instead of saying, “I said something stupid,” say, “Barb (your name) said something stupid.”

When you do that, you get some automatic distance from both the incident and the emotions attached to it.

Secondly, use this strategy when you give yourself advice. When you offer advice to someone else, you tend to be more forgiving, encouraging, and positive in your approach.

If I say to myself, “Barb, don’t worry so much. It’ll be all right,” that has much more power than saying, “I shouldn’t worry so much.”

When you use the first-person “I,” you waver. You won’t believe what you’re saying. But when you address yourself by your name, what you say is more believable and reassuring.

The same goes when you give yourself a command like, “Barb, stop fretting. You’re exaggerating. Give it a rest.”

Something about your name calms your nervous system and slows down the fight or flight response your brain’s locked into. Research has shown this to be true.

2. Put Yourself in Some Green Space

Take a walk in nature, go to the park, or sit outside.

Research has shown that access to green space is calming. Nature draws us in involuntarily and captures our attention while reducing anxiety. It requires no work on our part.

If you’ve ever taken a break from work by walking outside for a while, you’ve had that experience. You hear the sounds of birds and experience the beauty of trees and flowers while feeling the warmth of the sun. It’s a sensory feast that captures your mind and releases your stress.

You won’t get the same effect walking in an urban area unless you’re in a park or similar setting with green space available.

Being in nature or green space interrupts the obsessiveness of negative chatter and opens your mind back up. Research has also shown that walking increases creativity and innovative thinking.

3. Create Order in Your Environment

Have you ever started cleaning your house or reorganizing your office when you’re anxious or upset about something?

There’s a reason you do this.

By creating order in your environment, you create mental order simultaneously.

This strategy is an outside-in approach that’s quite effective. You won’t stop thinking, but you’ll feel your body relaxing, your thoughts slowing, and your emotions settling.

This happens in part because you’re engaging your executive functions – focus, rational thinking, evaluation, flexibility, self-regulation, and general use of your cognitive skills.

“Our executive functions are the foundation of our ability to steer our thoughts and behavior in the ways we desire.” (Kross, P. 46).

Instead of actively wrestling with your thoughts, ordering your space does it for you.

4. Time-Travel

This one will be familiar to you.

When you feel stuck on something, travel forward in time – a month, a year, or ten years out. How will what you’re worrying about now impact you then? How much will it matter?

Conversely, look back at previous experiences you’ve had that seemed insurmountable at the time, but you managed them successfully.

Doing either of these things will help you put your current situation in perspective. You’ll have more faith in yourself to resolve your worries and subdue your emotions.

5. Journal it.

Spend 15 to 30 minutes writing out your deepest thoughts and feelings about your situation. Do this for several consecutive days if necessary.

Don’t edit. Just write.

Write from the perspective of a narrator so that you’re seeing your experience in story form.

Doing so gives you some distance from whatever’s got you in a chokehold and increases your compassion for yourself.

Using a narrative approach has the twofold effect of providing a different, more generous perspective on your negative interpretations while also reducing self-beratement.

6. Talk it out.

Talking with the right person can be of tremendous help, but the operative word here is “right.”

You need someone who’s empathic and able to validate your feelings, yet is not swept up by them and jumps on your bandwagon.

In other words, you need someone who is understanding and will listen carefully as you unload your woes, but when the time comes, can help you readjust your thinking more in line with what’s true.

You want someone who’s compassionate yet honest and has your best interests at heart.

Keep Going

These are my six favorite tools offered by Dr. Kross, but I’d encourage you to read his book and learn about the others. He describes 26 different tools and how to use them.

He also reminds us that we often need a combination of tools rather than relying on just one. It depends on the type of chatter you’re experiencing and what tools work best for you. It’s not a one-size-fits-all situation.

In the meantime, I hope that if you’re plagued by negative chatter, you’ll try some of the tools I’ve described in this article.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_{Note about the research: I didn’t cite individual studies for this article, as there are many of them. I recommend Chatter if you’re interested in learning more about the research conducted related to the tools mentioned in this article. The book is well-written, and the studies cited are interesting and eye-opening.}

Photo by MundusImages

I recently did some spring cleaning, but not the kind you’re thinking of. I didn’t tackle my house, garage, or office. I didn’t clean out my car. Not that those things don’t need attention; they do.

I worked on decluttering my habits, open loops, information consumption, and priorities.

I conducted an internal scouring because I was frustrated with some of my tendencies and unfinished projects. It was very helpful.

Sometimes you need to step back and carefully look and evaluate where you are. What changes do you need to make to streamline your life so you don’t whittle away your time and lose track of what’s important to you?

Conducting an internal spring cleaning is just the thing to help you do that.

I’ll tell you what I did to get you started. You might have different areas you want to tackle than mine, but you’ll get the gist of how to do it.

How to Start

You can begin in several ways:

1. You can list what’s most important to you to use as a measuring stick as you go through your decluttering process.
2. Another approach is to list the main areas of your life you want to tackle: finances, work, relationships, health, parenting, etc.
3. You can also start by acknowledging your accomplishments for the year thus far, which helps you define what’s left undone.
4. Or you can dive in with specific areas you want to streamline or declutter, and through that process, clarify what’s most important to you.

I chose the fourth option. I dove into areas I knew needed some decluttering.

After reviewing them carefully and deciding what needed changing, I gained a clearer picture of my priorities and made a list, which I’m going to hang on the wall in my home office to see daily.

Here are some areas I tackled that might resonate with you.

1. Open Loops

For this section, I compiled a list of all the unfinished projects and items that have been on my to-do list for a long time, but haven’t been completed.

It was rather eye-opening. I was aware of some of them because they whirl around in my head, but I didn’t realize just how many there actually were.

Many of them were easy fixes; I just needed to take action. Others are large projects that have been dragging on for a long time; in some cases, for years!

Just a few examples:

• Over 3 years working on an online course on communication
• Neglecting to schedule several necessary appointments to get some household things done. I had five of these.
• Finishing up my Will. The will itself is done, but I haven’t secured it in a sealed container and written the instructions to go with it.

These are just a few to give you some ideas of what you might have on your plate.

Open loops hang out in your subconscious, often surfacing in your conscious mind and swirling around, using up emotional energy.

You can feel overwhelmed without knowing why! What happens is that when you encounter daily stress, it piles up on top of these open loops that are already draining you.

2. Information Detox

I’m an information hound. I love to read, both fiction and nonfiction. I’m interested in national and world affairs. I love learning about history, science, psychology, and spirituality.

That’s all great, but information overload isn’t ideal.

To address this issue, I created a list of all the types of information I consume daily and weekly, along with the sources used.

By doing that, it wasn’t too hard to decide what to cut out.

1. I unsubscribed from things that were flooding my email inbox every day, some of which I never signed up for.
2. Significantly reduced my news intake and streamlined the sources I use.
3. Conducted a thorough digital declutter and set specific time limits on my social media usage.
4. Made a list of the books I wanted to read and prioritized them.

Overall, I increased my reading time and decreased my digital involvement.

When you do this type of decluttering, it’s good to be very specific and quantitative.

Instead of saying to yourself, “I’ll reduce my social media consumption,” say, “I’ll limit myself to 10 minutes per day on social media.”

Be clear so you can effectively schedule and stay mindful of whatever you decide. Otherwise, you’ll revert to your default.

3. Habits (Yikes!)

To make this exercise more palatable, I listed all my good habits first. That proved helpful, and I realized I have many good habits, which was satisfying.

After completing that, I listed the habits that need to be tweaked or eliminated.

Then I created an action plan and scheduled it.

For example, I’m a sucker for new ideas, courses, approaches, etc. In other words, shiny new objects. I buy them, start them, and often don’t finish or use them. I added it all up – time, money, distraction. Then I decided what to keep and finish, and limited any new materials for a significant amount of time.

You may have habits like this one or others that detract from your well-being or create new problems.

Overspending is a prime example of this. Addictive habits also fall under this umbrella.

Take an inventory:

What habits do you need to change or let go of?

4. Relationships/Social Interactions

There are many possible areas to review in this category.

• Are there relationship amends you need to make with anyone?
• Do you have any issues that need addressing? Difficult conversations you’ve been putting off?
• Are you happy with your behavior in your intimate relationships? Is it aligned with your values?
• Do you need more or less social contact? Are you too accessible or not accessible enough?

These questions will get you started.

Your thoughts about your relationships will depend on where you are in life and who you live and interact with.

After answering these questions for myself, I decided to spend more time with my siblings. We’re all getting older, and time is precious.

5. Environment

Your environment can pertain to your physical surroundings, such as your home, office, and neighborhood. It can also encompass your emotional and psychological environment. We’re assessing the latter one.

What is yours like? Is it comfortable, stressful, warm, overwhelming, tense, or inviting? How do you feel at home, at work, or with your family?

Secondly, what is your internal emotional environment? Are you experiencing depression, anxiety, or other emotions? If so, what steps can you take to address these? Do you need more social interaction? Do you require therapy?

Taking careful note of your emotional environment and objectively evaluating what you want to change is energizing. It helps you gain momentum.

You may also discover many things you appreciate but rarely take the time to consider because you’re so busy.

Now, What’s Most Important?

Doing this spring cleaning exercise is clarifying. You can’t do it without defining:

1. What’s most important to you?
2. What can you do without?

Now, take the next step and decide how to tackle it.

I always suggest one thing at a time.

For habits, choose one you don’t want and replace it with a better one. Then practice until it’s automated and easy. Then go after another one.

For projects, reduce what’s on your plate. Simplify and clarify, then single-mindedly focus your energy on what you want to achieve. Be sure to complete with a timeline and schedule.

If you cut out all the extra time-consuming activities that have been distracting you, you’ll have a head start on your projects and open loops.

Close those easy, small open loops right away so they stop siphoning off your energy.

Then move forward with your prioritized list and schedule. You’ll feel better and more in control of your life.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week! Happy decluttering!

All my best,

Barbara