Photo by Arun Prakash on Unsplash

Imagine you’ve just finished a big project at your job and done an outstanding job. You worked on it with another colleague who contributed valuable input, but you did most of the work.

Your boss praises the finished product at a staff meeting but focuses most of his praise on your co-worker as though she did most of the work. You leave the staff meeting, retreat to your office, and have a meltdown.

Anyone might react the same way under the circumstances, but the reaction is magnified in this case because it hits one of your triggers.

You grew up in the shadow of a sibling your parents repeatedly favored and praised for their achievements. You could never measure up.

This is how triggers work. They come from previous experiences stored in your subconscious brain.

When something happens in the present that mirrors the previous experience (or even hints at it), you’re emotionally triggered, and your reactions are amplified, sometimes out of control.

Knowing your triggers can help you regain control and reduce that emotional fire.

I’ve got a plan for you, but first, you need to understand how your triggers develop.

How Emotional Triggers Are Developed

As we’ve already affirmed, triggers come from experiences stored in your memory.

However, what makes something a trigger is the intensity of the emotional impact it had on you when it happened. The more impactful the experience was, the stronger the trigger.

Some triggers come from a single experience, especially a traumatic one, and others come from repetitive experiences. That’s the case with our example above.

To complicate things more, some of them are unconscious, meaning you have no idea where they come from and are unable to trace them back to your experiences.

It could be that you repressed a memory or that you developed it early in life before you had language.

Our brains begin storing memories before we have the words to recall them. Even infants and toddlers store emotional memories of their experiences before they can label or think about them.

That’s why most people can’t remember their early years or only have snatches of memory.

However, if the emotional impact of an experience is intense, it will create a trigger.

In other words, you have an emotional trigger, but you don’t know why.

Regardless, you can still diminish a trigger in the present, even if you don’t know where it came from, and strip of its power over you.

Working With Your Triggers

There are two ways to go about working with your triggers:

1. Deal with them directly as they surface in the present.
2. Study them by identifying as many as you can and begin reducing them one at a time.

I’d suggest doing both.

Use the following 5-step exercise to conduct your study. Then, as you have experiences where an emotional trigger surfaces and you overreact, delve into the particular trigger causing the problem.

The Exercise

Step #1: Identify your triggers.

I’ve attached a PDF listing some of the more common triggers. Using this list, jot down any that apply to you. You can add any others you have that aren’t listed. Be specific.

Take your time with this.

As you make your list, memories that pertain to the trigger will pop up. Most triggers come from repetitive experiences, but not always.

As mentioned previously, a single traumatic experience can create a potent trigger.

Don’t worry if you can’t tie a trigger to a specific experience or memory. Just list it.

Step #2: Prioritize your list.

Put your most potent triggers at the top and go down from there.

These are the ones that create the most emotional reactivity for you.

This list will give you a place to start when you begin working on them.

Step #3: Link a trigger to an experience.

For this step, choose a trigger you want to target.

Once you have it in mind, recall a recent situation in which the trigger was ignited, and you overreacted.

Write it out in sequence so you can see it unwind.

• What started it?
• What was the sequence of events that rolled it out?
• How did you feel and behave in response to each action?

Try visualizing it as a movie in slow motion and see it from beginning to end from the actor’s point of view.

Step #4: Evaluate.

Now let’s take an objective view and evaluate.

1. Using your sequence, identify the spark that lit the fire. What words or actions set you off?
2. What does it remind you of? Are there previous experiences or patterns you can link them to? If not, don’t worry. Keep going.
3. Once it was sparked, where did your mind go? Were there any cognitive distortions on your end? In other words, did you exaggerate, overgeneralize, look at the incident from an all-or-nothing mindset, or distort the facts in any way? Triggers easily create distorted thinking and perception. Almost always.
4. Were your emotional responses too big or out of control? Most triggers create responses that are overkill for the situation at hand because you’re responding not only to that situation but to stored emotions.

Step #5: Reflect.

How could you have reacted to the situation if you hadn’t been triggered by it? How would your behavior be different?

Asking these questions and coming up with a different response will help you the next time you encounter the same trigger.

You’ll be able to recognize what’s happening sooner and calm yourself before it gets out of hand. You can also temporarily step out to regain your composure.

By turning your attention toward the trigger and looking at it, it loses some of its potency. You’re engaging your thinking brain.

The power of triggers is that they’re subconscious patterns that sneak through the back door without being monitored. Knowing and watching them keeps the door shut and puts you back in control.

Remember this:

There’s a line from the movie St. Elmo’s Fire that says, “That was then, and this is now.”

It’s a good mantra for dealing with triggers because you’re never exactly in the same situation now as you were when you developed it. You aren’t the same person, either.

The trigger may linger, but you have the power to react differently and take control of your experience.

You also have the power to diminish it. But only if you give it a no-holds-barred look and understand how it’s affecting your reactivity.

A Quick Review

Here’s the fast version:

1. Identify and become aware of your triggers.
2. Prioritize them in order of potency.
3. Tackle one at a time.
4. Review distorted thoughts and emotional reactivity, and consider how you could react differently.
5. Remember, you’re not in the same place you were when the trigger was initiated. You have control now.

The last thing to note is to be compassionate with yourself when you overreact.

It’s an emotional hijacking, not something you set out to do. But by working on your triggers, you can block that hijacking and take the wheel.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

I have a friend who lives in a continual vortex of indecision. She’s unable to figure out what she wants, partly because she wants everything. Her world is a giant exercise in overstimulation and overwhelm.

I heard something recently that spoke to this problem. It came from Seth Godin during an interview with Marie Forleo.

He described a woman at an ice cream parlor who had to choose between 30 flavors for her ice cream cone. She could only choose one.

His comment was, “When you choose this, you can’t have that.”

In other words:

When figuring out what you want, you must also decide what you don’t want or want less.

You can’t have everything. To focus on something, pursue it, and succeed, you must let other things go. Sometimes, those other things are things you also want, but not as much as that one thing.

That brings us back to the original question.

What do you really want, and what do you have to give up to pursue it with the attention and focus required to make it happen?

This question can pertain to a career, relationship, spiritual pursuit, or being a parent.

How Do You Decide?

Seth Godin offers three ideas to help you decide what to pursue.

1. Get very clear about your dream or goal. What will it look like when you succeed? Use specifics.
2. What change do you wish to make for yourself?
3. What contribution will it make? What do you have to offer that will meet others’ needs?

You can’t make good choices if you’re unclear about what you want to accomplish and what it will take to achieve it.

By answering these questions, you can evaluate more precisely whether this is something you can stay with for the long haul or something that you were initially excited about but, after more thought, would like to put on the back burner or abandon.

You’ll avoid hopping from thing to thing because you’re considering your long-term investment.

Now, let’s take a quick look at the attention bandits that prevent you from asking these questions and making good decisions.

The Variety Trap

We humans love novelty and variety.

You can have a burning interest in something, but if something else comes along that wows you, even temporarily, you get sidetracked.

Our brains are set up that way, and don’t the advertisers know it?

I struggle with this phenomenon all the time. I start a book I love and vow to finish, but then I get an email from Amazon dangling some new titles before my eyes, luring me in because Amazon knows what I like.

Before you know it, I’ve loaded a new book on my Kindle, and now I’m reading two books. I currently have three going, and if history is correct, I won’t finish them all.

When you allow yourself to cater to your natural tendency to seek novelty, you sacrifice the opportunity to get good at something or deepen your involvement in a worthy pursuit.

Decision Fatigue

This is a second trap. There are simply too many decisions to make every day, some of which can be avoided.

I grew up in the 1950s and 60s when computers, the internet, and cell phones were nonexistent. You had a phone on your kitchen wall and a car for getting around. Your TV was less than 19 inches wide, and you likely had a stereo system to play records or a radio.

If you wanted to talk to someone, you had to go see them. Communication was mainly face-to-face or on the telephone, but mostly face-to-face.

The most notable difference between that existence and our environment today is the amount of daily stimulation coming at you. Technology has made us accessible.

I had lots of open space to think, daydream, and relax.

Whereas today, stimulation comes at you (and me) relentlessly unless you manage to shut yourself away for a moment of respite.

Even when you do that, your mind speedily rolls along frenetically.

It’s like we’re living on speed, metaphorically, of course, but there are parallels.

Decision-making has increased exponentially with technology.

Daily, you decide what emails to read and respond to, podcasts to listen to, social media to engage with, shows to watch, and work to do.

Then there’s all the regular decision-making that comes with caring for yourself, your home, and your family.

Those decisions have also skyrocketed because of the increase in everyone’s activity levels.

You probably don’t recognize how many decisions you make in a day because it’s become automatic, nor how much energy it requires.

We’ve become master jugglers, but it’s much easier to drop the balls now because of the overload.

The Dopamine Push

Part of becoming the master juggler is imposed on you by the current tech-oriented culture.

But a second part of it comes from the addictive nature of dopamine.

The dopamine chant is “more is better.”

When you first get the hang of juggling, it’s exciting. But after a while, it’s boring, So you add more balls. Eventually, that’s boring, too. So you juggle knives. Now you’re rockin!

But then that becomes a little boring, so you move to torches that are on fire! Ooh, this is better!

The pay-off for increasing stimulation and the anticipation of more keeps that dopamine flowing, which gives you that temporary lift.

Unfortunately, this perpetual state of overstimulation creates too much arousal for your body and brain to handle.

When you pursue too many things, too much novelty, and fast-moving shiny objects, four things happen:

1. You crash and feel completely exhausted and depleted.
2. You create a cycle of significant bursts of energy followed by dips and a roller coaster of emotions.
3. Lose your ability to focus on one thing at a time.
4. Get worse at handling obstacles and problems that surface.

Caving into this kind of existence robs you of the drive and self-discipline to choose what’s most important to you and pursue it persistently so that you experience the rewards of living consciously, purposefully, and with deep satisfaction.

Back to What You Want

Here’s a three-step process to figure this out.

1. Make the list.

Write down all the things that are important to you. This list differs from what you’ll pursue; it’s everything you desire. You can include work, creative pursuits, relationships, health, spirituality, and hobbies. This is your wish list. It may also include things you’re already involved in.

2. Specify and narrow.

Take your list and turn it into actual, specific goals. What would you like to accomplish, and what does that look like? What would it take to reach them?

Your first list was a general outline on your canvas. Now, you’re filling in the shapes and colors on your canvas.

3. Weigh opportunity costs.

“Opportunity cost” means when deciding between several actions, what does pursuing one cost you in terms of the other, and which gets you the most bang for your buck?

In other words, you can’t do it all, so which of these goals will bring the most gratification and results you want, and which do you have to leave behind to pursue those you’ve chosen?

This step is the most significant and challenging because it involves letting go of things you want to do. You have to become very single-minded.

If you’re having trouble making choices, go through each goal or thing you want and ask yourself what obstacles you will encounter. Sometimes, that question helps to clarify things.

If you want to be a good Dad, attentive husband, writer, a top employee at work, and superior golfer, which of those is most important? What will it take to do them, and what do you need to let go of or change to make it work?

Marie Forleo calls this process “simplify to amplify.” It’s a perfect description and motto you can use for any goal or endeavor.

Full Circle

No matter what kind of goal or activity you want to excel in or make the most of, identifying precisely what you want will entail letting go of something else you want.

You can return to it later if you still want it, but don’t sacrifice focus on that most important thing by cluttering it with incoming stimuli and the anxiety of always wanting more or being afraid of missing out.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Suggested Reading:

Essentialism by Greg McKeown
The One Thing by Gary Keller
Deep Work by Cal Newport

Photo by Timothy Dykes on Unsplash

I once saw a couple in therapy initiated by the wife who was unhappy with the relationship. She was depressed and felt angry much of the time but kept it to herself.

It quickly became apparent that she had given up her power and felt controlled by her husband. She had no voice in the relationship.

It wasn’t that he was particularly abusive, although he sometimes stood on the edge of it, but more that he dominated her.

Yet, she consistently gave him permission to do that but wasn’t aware of it.

What was puzzling was that he clearly couldn’t live without her. She had plenty of leverage but didn’t use it.

We’ll come back to this couple later on. But now, I’m asking you:

How do you use your power? Do you give too much away, exert too much, or use it judiciously and in the best interest of yourself and others?

Most of us don’t think about these questions, but it’s an important issue that plays a starring role in your relationships.

Let’s start with the origins of personal power.

Where Does Your Power Come From?

Most people would say it’s an outgrowth of having confidence. That’s partially true, but it begins long before your confidence crystalizes.

Personal power starts with your sense of self.

That’s rather vague, so let’s break it down into components. There are five:

1. Having a sense of worth
2. Accepting your emotions and being willing to feel and express them
3. Recognizing your unique personal gifts and talents
4. Developing self-compassion
5. Being able to set boundaries for yourself when needed

In short, you must embrace your authentic self and feel you have worth and value.

From there, you develop skills, competence, and confidence.

Your power is a natural expression of who you are. You can use it to enhance your life and the lives of others.

Things go awry when any of those original components are not developed and bleed into your sense of agency and power.

Most of us fall somewhere along the continuum, either expressing too little or too much power. Either way, the origin of the problem is the same:

If you feel less than others, you either submit and succumb to those who willingly overpower you, or you find people you can control and rule.

Our original couple played out both sides of this problem in their relationship.

The wife came from a family with an overbearing father who ran the show and didn’t allow anyone, including his wife, to question his authority. Likewise, the husband had a similar family structure, and he felt bullied by his father.

Your history can set you up to have difficulty using your power correctly.

How Do You Take Your Power Back?

Have you ever faced down a bully?

In most cases, when you do that, the bully backs down.

Not always. You wouldn’t face down someone who has a history of violence. We’ll come back to that.

In general, if you recognize that someone or something is overpowering you, start by asking yourself these questions:

• How and in what ways are they doing it?
• How am I giving permission for it? Don’t confuse this question with the idea that you’re okay with it or that it’s your fault, but look at specific behaviors you’re engaging in that give that permission. You may not be aware of them.
• What emotions hold you back from exerting your power? This is the most critical question. You won’t be able to change anything until you acknowledge and begin challenging those feelings. Fear is often at the base of the problem.
• What’s the cost to me of continuing as I am?
• What are the best and worst case scenarios of challenging (whoever or whatever situation)?

Once you’re clear on how you’re giving away your power, lay out a plan for regaining it. Try these strategies.

Strategies That Work

Start small unless you feel confident that a serious and thoughtful conversation will be received. Usually, patterns that have been in place for a long time are difficult to unravel.

1. Demand basic respect.

You can accomplish this by letting the offending person know how you feel when treated disrespectfully. Point out the behavior, say how it makes you feel, and then explain how you would rather be approached.

When you do it this way, you aren’t blaming or attacking. You’re setting a boundary.

Use “I” messages throughout and stay calm. That’s key.

If being disrespected is a regular behavior, you’ll likely have to set the boundary more than once and maybe many times until the other person knows you mean it.

Don’t sugarcoat, but don’t attack. Be respectful yourself.

2. Check your tendency to enable.

This is the second part of your one-two punch. First, you demand respect, and then you stop enabling the other person to be in control.

Remember that you can only lose your power if you’re willing to give it away.

Write down all your behaviors that tell the other person they can control you and what you do. Examples are:

• Taking on more responsibility than is fair or equitable
• Not participating in decision-making
• Not voicing your ideas, concerns, and thoughts
• Suppressing your feelings
• Allowing yourself to be taken advantage of, disrespected, or both
• Walking on eggshells
• Ignoring your needs

As you write these out, add the actual behaviors that reflect these trends. You want to identify specific behaviors to target.

Once you’ve done that, begin changing one behavior at a time until the other person (or people) accepts it.

3. Show appreciation

This sounds counterintuitive, I know, but it’s not if it’s used alongside the above strategies.

When you show genuine appreciation or note the behaviors you like, you’ll find that even the most negative, crotchety, controlling person will respond positively.

This works exceptionally well when you’re setting boundaries against behavior you don’t like.

You’re modeling what you want.

In most cases, if you’ve given up your power in a relationship, you’ve also built up a cache of resentment and don’t feel much empathy or appreciation for the other person. Not always, but likely.

So, it helps to add that piece back in as you’re making it clear that you’re taking your power back.

That doesn’t mean it will go smoothly, but it will work better with some appreciation added in. You want to tip toward the positive.

How Long Does It Take?

It depends on the people involved, how entrenched the old patterns are, and how acute the situation is.

In the case of our couple, things had become very sour between them, and they couldn’t work at it by themselves, hence therapy. They eventually restored their relationship with mutual effort and commitment to the process.

Some people resolve it on their own. But if you can’t, seek help.

Not Just For Couples

Taking your power back can apply in many situations.

All relationships involve power.

The closer the relationship and time spent together, the more power is involved. Close friendships, job relationships, and especially family relationships apply.

You can work on gaining or releasing your power in any of these situations. The same strategies can be used and adapted to fit.

A balance of power means that both (or all parties) count. Everyone is seen, heard, and valued.

What to Do When Violence is An Issue

Taking back your power from someone who’s violent or scary is a different problem. In those cases, you must get help from someone who can offer more assistance.

Look for someone who is experienced in dealing with domestic violence. There are usually agencies available in most areas to help.

What if My Efforts Fail?

If the other person involved isn’t willing to participate in changing the power dynamics between you, and you’ve tried all the strategies, you may decide to leave the relationship.

Friendships are sometimes this way. You have a friend who subtly controls you or takes advantage of you and, when confronted, isn’t willing to change. This may be a friend you can do without.

Each case is individual, and you can decide what’s in your best interest.

The goal is to engage in relationships with mutual respect and empathy and where everyone has a voice.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by kupicoo, Courtesy of iStock Photo

If your relationship is cracking under the stress of everyday life, you can give it a shot in the arm in just a week.

Instead of analyzing it through a magnifying glass and lamenting what’s wrong, do the opposite. Give it some love with small acts that are easy to do yet provide a powerful infusion of energy and positivity.

They won’t solve all your problems, but they’ll create an atmosphere that makes it easier to approach them.

Here are fifteen ideas you can choose from. Add anything else you think can do the job.

The objective is to connect and lift the overall mood for both of you.

You can also use these strategies for other relationships when they apply.

1. Ask your partner how she feels today.

Listen intently with empathy and interest. Ask questions, but don’t offer solutions unless asked. Be present, make eye contact, turn off your phone, and give your full attention.

2. Wash the dishes after dinner.

Or you can choose something else you don’t normally do. Don’t make a big deal out of doing it, and don’t expect anything in return. Focus only on alleviating your partner’s stress.

3. Take care of the kids for a few hours to give your partner a break.

Let her do something she enjoys or have some alone time. It could be taking a nap, going somewhere with a friend, or reading on the back porch.

Make sure you do it with a cheerful attitude. Your kids will love it, too.

4. Verbalize three sincere affirmations about your partner.

Be authentic, and make sure you don’t deliver them with backhanded criticisms folded in. Mean what you say.

If you’re not used to complimenting your partner, they might not respond immediately because it feels strange initially, but do it anyway and just let it be. It’ll sink in and have a positive effect, even if not immediately.

5. Offer verbal appreciation for something your partner does.

This is slightly different than affirmations. Affirmations usually apply to someone’s personality characteristics or skills. In this case, focus on things your partner does, especially those that benefit you or your family.

The idea is to notice your partner’s contributions out loud. Verbalize one thing every day for a week.

This is a powerful tool to heal wounds. Everyone responds well to being appreciated.

6. Touch base with your partner during the day.

Make a phone call or send a text to say hi and check in. This doesn’t need to be lengthy. The purpose of this contact is to let your partner know you’re thinking about him.

7. When you go to work, leave a note.

You can say you hope your partner has a good day, or it can be something more personal. Make sure you leave it where they’ll find it.

If you’re staying home and your partner’s going to work, put it on the car dashboard, tape it to the window, or place it on top of papers in her briefcase.

8. Let your partner sleep in one day on the weekend.

Take over the kids, feed the dog, and bring your partner coffee in bed when he wakes up. Another idea is to make coffee in the morning for him before he gets up so it’s ready.

9. Watch a favorite movie or TV show together.

Make it a date night at home. Choose something you both want to see. Put the kids to bed, settle in comfortably in your favorite spots, and watch. Add some popcorn for fun!

10. Take a walk together outside and chat.

Walking outside together creates an instant change in environment that’s calming and removes the stress of work and home.

Walks set up an atmosphere for relaxed interchange. If you have a dog, take him along.

11. Offer a heartfelt apology for something you’ve done to distress or hurt your partner.

It doesn’t have to be long or drawn out, but it must be sincere and accompanied by making amends if needed.

Saying you’re sorry isn’t a hit to your ego. It’s a way to show genuine empathy for someone else.

12. Take something off your partner’s plate to relieve their stress.

It could be making an appointment, working from home to deal with the plumbing repair, or gassing up your partner’s car before the work week starts.

Ask what would help if you aren’t sure, but likely, you already know things that would help. The fact that you notice these things means as much as doing them.

13. Ask your partner what you can do to make her feel more loved.

This could become a more extensive discussion, but keep it simple. You could make a list for each other, giving both of you things to choose from.

Do one of these things each day for a week. You’d be amazed at the power this has to transform a relationship.

14. Avoid making sarcastic or critical remarks for an entire week.

At the same time, comment on something that’s going well once a day. Because we tend to notice the negative, verbalizing at least one positive observation daily is soothing to everyone.

15. Surprise your partner with plans to do something you both enjoy.

Buy tickets for a new movie, make reservations at a restaurant, or plan a day at the beach.

Choose something that doesn’t involve work for your partner to set up. Make it easy for them just to show up and go.

Use These Guidelines

All the ideas we’ve listed above are meant to help your partner feel seen and appreciated. These guidelines will help.

Give without expectations to receive.

When you do something for someone you think will make them happy, it’s easy to expect a particular reaction. And you might get that, but you might not.

Your partner could be overwhelmed, too tired or stressed to show much reaction, or surprised.

If you’ve rarely done some of these things, you might generate some suspicion as to your motives.

Whatever the case, do your best to give of yourself freely without expectations. The effect will be positive, even if it’s not immediately apparent.

Above all, don’t keep score!

Don’t try them all at once.

If you do that, you’ll surely raise suspicions and might overwhelm your partner.

Choose a couple to begin with. This will allow your partner to notice that something’s different and give them time to appreciate your effort.

Add in a couple each week if you like, or more if things are going well. Your goals are:

1. To create more connection and closeness.
2. Increase your mutual receptivity to each other.
3. Show you care.
4. Reduce negative trends such as resentment, distrust, and annoyance.

When you see a shift in the relationship and feel reconnected, tackling complex issues and working together will be easier and less polarizing.

Last Note

If you don’t have a partner, you can use these same ideas with a child if you’re a parent or someone you live with.

You can extract from them and use appropriate ones with family members and friends, especially if you need to lift the relationship.

A side benefit of these exercises is that you will increase your empathy and emotional intelligence as you practice them. It’s a win-win!

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by fizkes, Courtesy of iStock Photo

How loud is the “mean girl “ voice in your head? And when and how does she make herself known?

You may not like the analogy of “mean girl,” but bear with me. You can refer to her simply as your “inner critic” if that feels better.

There are many ways the mean girl comes to life and gives you a hard time, but let’s talk about a particular scenario. You’ll recognize it because it’s so common, and you’ll find it helpful to know how to handle it.

It’s called neurotic looping. That’s the clinical name for it, but it’s pretty simple. I’ll walk you through it and tell you how to bypass it.

How Neurotic Looping Works

The Initiation

You have a negative experience of some kind, like arguing with a friend, leaving your keys in the car and locking it, or arriving late to work and getting an icy stare from your boss.

This is the initial phase.

The Reaction

You react to the experience, usually emotionally, accompanied by self-talk about what happened.

Let’s use the last scenario as an example. You’re late to work, and you get the icy look from your boss.

You might initially feel shame because of that look, followed by anger and anxiety. Your thoughts are coming fast to justify the situation.

Why is my boss so rigid? Really? Is it that bad to be late once in a while? I work hard. He’s being ridiculous.

Besides, the traffic was horrible this morning, and my kids took FOREVER to get ready for school. Am I supposed to be perfect?

This flurry of thoughts usually focuses on blaming yourself, someone else, or other circumstances. It’s an attempt to alleviate your discomfort with your feelings.

The Reaction to the Reaction

The third phase comes later, after you’ve settled down.

You’re back home, the workday’s over, and you’ve plopped down on the couch. You’re ruminating about what happened.

Only this time, you’re having a different type of reaction. You’re globalizing your emotions.

You’re thinking something like,

I’m a screwup. Why can’t I be more responsible?

Or maybe ,

My life’s a train wreck. I have too much to do, and I can’t seem to get out from under it. It’s like this every day.

You end the evening feeling tired, depressed, and unhappy with yourself.

Your “mean girl” voice has taken up residence.

The Trajectory of the Process

Now, let’s examine the trajectory of this three-part process.

Step 1: Something negative and stressful happens.

Step 2: You have an emotional reaction and a barrage of thoughts. Your thoughts are attempts to find a place for the feelings so you don’t have to feel them. This is where the process goes awry. You’re fighting the discomfort and looking for a way to project it elsewhere.

Step 3: Finally, you react again to your initial reaction by unleashing your inner critic – your “mean girl” voice – who pelts you with criticism, self-doubt, shame, hopelessness, or resistance.

Regardless of the shape that voice takes, you feel depressed, helpless, or anxious.

That’s the neurotic loop:

1. A negative event
2. An attempt to avoid the feelings via blame
3. Internalize the situation by exaggerating and inflating your lack of worth or life circumstances.

Neurotic looping doesn’t happen every time there’s a negative experience. It depends on how you’re feeling at the time and whether you have tendencies toward critical self-talk, but it can happen to anyone.

It can also become a regular pattern that takes up much of your energy.

Let’s talk about how you can stop the process.

How to Stop Neurotic Looping

The First Intervention

The first two parts of neurotic looping run together, and you can intervene as soon as you begin reacting to what’s happened.

Your initial reaction is an attempt to avoid feeling the full brunt of your emotions, so the strategy is to allow yourself to feel your reaction fully until it begins to subside.

To do that successfully, you need to dispense with creating a narrative about what it means. This is the difficult step.

Returning to our example, if you arrived late and your boss gave you that icy stare, you would react emotionally. That’s natural.

And you’d probably have several different feelings like we mentioned above – shame, anger, stress, anxiety.

Allow yourself to feel them without trying to get away. Lean in.

That’s not easy, especially if shame or anger is involved.

The strategy is to feel and watch your emotions simultaneously while telling yourself it’s okay to let them wind out without trying to categorize or explain them.

Shame is especially tough to weather, but you can do it.

Don’t suppress your feelings, but also do not overreact to them.

The Second Intervention

When your emotions have calmed, and you don’t have the impulse to explain them away, it’s time to problem-solve.

Ask yourself questions like:

• Can I prevent this situation from occurring again?
• Are there any actions I need to take to repair it?
• And if other people are involved, can you look at what happened from the other person’s point of view?

Consider these questions without beating yourself up. Focus on using what happened to learn and make changes if needed.

I recently did something without thinking that caused someone else some distress. I felt horrible about it, but I made myself sit with that feeling for a while without allowing the mean girl to get in my head.

My self-talk consisted of only one sentence: “Yep, you did that.” I was uncomfortable, but I made myself admit and accept what I’d done. That cleared the way to decide how to make amends without sinking into extended self-recrimination.

When you use this approach, you eliminate the third step in neurotic looping.

You don’t allow yourself to loop back and continue ruminating and overreacting.

One of the most demanding challenges we all face is admitting to making mistakes and dealing with their repercussions without inflicting more punishment or blaming something or someone else.

You feel like that person sitting in a dark room with a spotlight on you, and everyone’s looking at you from the shadows. It makes you squirm.

But you don’t have to squirm. You can offer yourself acceptance and then make improvements.

You must allow yourself to feel your way through without the “mean girl” stepping in.

The Repercussions of Neurotic Looping

If you use a lot of thought looping, you’ll likely be chronically depressed or anxious.

That’s what the term neurosis refers to. It’s a repetitive pattern used to deal ineffectively with negative emotions.

Part of the problem is that we filter all our experiences through the lens of stories we create about them. Something happens, and then you construct a story about it and react based on it.

Everything you experience is funneled through your narration of that experience.

You do that even with your internal experiences. You tell stories about how you feel and what you think about things.

You create scenarios with entire conversations and then react to them as though they’re real.

It’s no wonder we love novels. We are novels to some degree, and we’re the authors.

The creativity aspect is good because it’s through imagination that we evolve. However, the downside is that the stories you tell yourself to avoid emotions, situations, and change can be damaging.

The task is to give your creativity full range, but in circumstances where that’s helpful and productive.

When it comes to your inner critic, being tuned into what’s most accurate is beneficial.

That requires keeping an eye on cognitive distortions while allowing your emotions to arise with an eye toward mindfulness.

You’re the feeler, narrator, and observer. Make sure your stories don’t take you on a neurotic tailspin.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

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Do you have too much to do? Too many things bouncing around your brain, clamoring for your attention?

If not, I congratulate you. You’ve either figured out a system to manage it all, or you have a more relaxed lifestyle that allows you to do one thing at a time without much stress.

For most of us, the first situation applies. We’re overloaded and have many open loops chronically nagging at us and depleting our energy.

An open loop is a task you know you need to do but have put off, yet it buzzes around in your head like a fly you can’t get rid of.

You might use avoidance as a strategy to deal with it, but that only allows it to nag you louder, and there will be repercussions that might come back to bite you.

The only solution is to figure out how to close the loop.

Today, I’ll give you strategies for managing and closing open loops so you can breathe and regain some control over your workload.

Let’s start with how your brain handles open loops.

The Zeigarnik Effect

The Zeigarnik Effect was discovered by psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik in 1927 and later expanded upon by other researchers who sought ways to use it.

Essentially, it refers to our tendency to remember unfinished or uninterrupted tasks more easily than completed ones.

Your brain hangs on to things you haven’t completed and keeps reminding you of them.

Sometimes, the reminders are loud and continuous, and sometimes, they sink into your subconscious, so they aren’t readily available, but they drain your energy all the same.

You get an email from your boss about a report that’s due, but you have to go to a meeting. While at the meeting, you ruminate about the work you need to do on the report and only half-listen to the discussion.

Or you’re cooking dinner but worrying about where you’ll find the time to participate in a project you signed up for at your daughter’s school.

Each time you remember an open loop, you get a jolt of stress (or arousal).

Depending on how long the loop’s been open and how urgent it is, you may have strong emotional reactions such as resentment or shame.

It doesn’t matter whether you think you shouldn’t be thinking about it now; it’s still there and will keep nagging you until you pay attention.

Your brain won’t let you off the hook. It may play hide-and-seek with you, but that’s not helping you either.

Outside of the obvious – just do it – how can you handle these open loops?

There are two ways to approach it. One is to close the loop, and the other is to manage it. Let’s review these and make a plan.

Week One: Close Loops

This first week, you’re going to focus on closing loops. Follow these steps.

Step #1: Conduct an inventory.

The first thing to do is take a thorough inventory of all the loops you have open. You might want to resist doing that because it feels overwhelming, but you’ll be more overwhelmed and use more energy trying to keep your mind off them.

Write them all down and see what they look like on paper (or on a screen). It’s better to know and see the whole picture at once so you can start dismantling the load and get some relief.

Step #2: Close easy loops.

Identify the loops that you can quickly close. This will include the following:

1. Tasks you can do in less than an hour from beginning to end. Start with the easiest and fastest ones – those you can do in ten minutes.
2. Things you decide you don’t want to do because you’ve either lost interest or it’s something you don’t need to do. Maybe you can delegate it. Let it go and take it off your list (and out of your head).

The point of this step is to prune your list as much as possible so that only the things you truly need to do or want to do remain.

Step #3: Go for quantity.

See how many loops you can close in a week. Spend this first week only doing that. You can leave the more complex loops on your list for now, but this first step is to get that list down.

Week Two: Set up a management system.

For this part, you’ll learn how to use the Zeigarnik Effect to your advantage.

Because your brain keeps returning to open loops, it can help you reach your goals because it’s harder to let go of them. However, you have to do this in a way that doesn’t deplete you or cause too much stress.

That sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it? But when done right, it works. Here are the steps to succeed.

Step #1: Define the goal.

For open loops requiring more time than those you closed up in the first week, use this process:

1. Start by defining the goal and what it will look like when finished. Finished means all the actions have been completed, and you can cross the goal off your list and forget it.
2. Begin with loops that are more pressing that you need to do sooner. We’ll get to long-term goals in a bit.

Step #2: Divide into smaller tasks.

Next, break your goals into small tasks and schedule them. Scheduling means writing them on a list, calendar, or both. If you don’t do that, you’re more likely not to complete the task or not do it at all.

Be specific.

If you’ve read many of my other blogs on productivity, you already know this strategy. Essentially, you’re setting up small, doable goals you can complete.

Once you’ve listed and scheduled everything, leave it.

The beauty of doing this is that once you have your list made and scheduled, you no longer need to repeatedly obsess about it to keep a handle on it. That’s what’s so stressful.

Why This Works

Here’s how the Zeigarnik Effect helps you with this method:

Each task is a single loop. By starting and finishing one task at a time, you close the loop, which feels good. You can mark off your list.

But because there are more tasks (more loops) ahead, your brain keeps you alerted and helps you continue.

In this way, the Zeigarnik Effect helps you build momentum, and your motivation to finish strengthens.

For example, if you need to study for an exam, breaking up your study sessions over days helps you retain the information better than cramming it all into one lengthy session.

Each study session is a single loop you close. And because you have more studying ahead, your brain keeps you primed for learning and remembering, which motivates you to keep closing loops. That’s why breaking large tasks into smaller ones is such an effective strategy.

What about big loops that I don’t need to close immediately?

When you do your initial inventory of open loops in the first step, divide your loops into several categories, such as:

1. Easy to close: Less than an hour.
2. Time constricted: Must close within a specific time frame. These would include more urgent loops.
3. Long-term: Goals you need to finish at some later date. You can still create a task list for these goals and schedule them over an extended period of time.
4. Deferred: You have things you need to do, but there is no urgency, and they aren’t taking up much brain space. Place these on your deferred list, and you can move them up when you have the time and are ready to tackle them.
5. Ongoing goals with no end: Create loops you can keep closing. Otherwise, you’ll lag and feel dissatisfied with your progress.

Having your loops categorized this way helps to keep your brain less cluttered and more efficient.

Review your entire list once a week to ensure you haven’t missed anything or need to move something up.

When you have a sound system in place to minimize open loops, you’ll not only be less stressed but also enjoy working more. You’ll have more downtime and the emotional energy to savor your accomplishments.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

P.S. If procrastination is an ongoing problem, read ​Do the Work​ by Steven Pressfield. It’s very short and to the point.

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Motivation is a slippery friend: Sometimes, you’ve got it, and tackling goals is easy, but sometimes, it plays hide-and-seek and makes you work to find it. Sometimes, it’s missing in action altogether.

The problem is that you can’t get yourself going without it, nor can you reach a goal without sustaining it long enough to cross the finish line.

If you wait for it to appear, you might wait forever. So you have to nudge it.

To do that, you need to know how it works and what strategies to use to get it going and keep it going as long as you need it.

Let’s start with how it works.

Optimal Arousal

According to the arousal theory of motivation, getting the energy and drive you need to motivate you depends on your level of arousal. Arousal, in this case, refers to how alert you are, your energy level, and how well you can attend and focus.

Motivation is best when the overall arousal level is optimal, which means it’s not too high or too low.

When it’s too low, you might feel tired, blah, sad, depressed, or generally unmotivated to do anything.

When it’s too high, you could feel anxious, overly excited, keyed up, aggressive, or stressed out.

At an optimal level, you have just the right amount of drive and energy coupled with enough calmness to direct your attention where you want it to go. You feel energized to tackle what you want to accomplish.

You’ve heard people talk about being in the zone or working in a state of flow, yes? This means they have an optimal level of arousal and feel motivated to engage in their work without resistance.

However, everyone has their own unique optimal arousal level.

That means that the first step in working with your motivation is to become familiar with how much arousal you need and what that looks like.

Someone who gets overstimulated easily or likes to work quietly needs a lower level of arousal, whereas someone who thrives on external stimulation needs a higher arousal level.

How Do You Discover Your Optimal Arousal Level?

Through trial and error.

Your goal is to figure out where your sweet spot is, and a good way to do that is to examine three types of arousal. That will help you pinpoint where you need to make changes.

Here they are:

1. Mental Arousal: You feel mentally aroused when your interest is captured, and you want to learn more. You’re intellectually intrigued and curious to explore. You feel alert and energized.
2. Emotional Arousal: Emotional arousal are the feelings that accompany your mental arousal or lack of it. It can be a rush of excitement, enthusiasm, passion, joy, or conversely, fear, sadness, overwhelm, or anxiety. Depending on the situation, you may have a heightened sense of pleasure or alarm.
3. Physical Arousal: You experience arousal in your body, which increases your alertness and readiness to engage in action. You feel energetic. However, if you’re tired, overwhelmed, or anxious, your body lets you know and interferes with your motivation.

All three types of arousal can occur together. One can precede the other, or they might all happen simultaneously.

Knowing about them means you can engineer healthy levels of each type to facilitate more arousal and increase your motivation.

You do need to be aware, however, that arousal will only improve your motivation up to your optimal arousal level.

If you go past that, you may become overwhelmed and, if below that, find yourself unable to take action. You have to observe yourself in different situations to see what works best for you.

The Two Types of Motivation

A second factor that significantly affects motivation is the type. There are two types: extrinsic and intrinsic.

1. Extrinsic motivation comes from outside of you. You’re motivated to act or achieve a goal based on external rewards such as recognition, praise, money, or status. You might also be motivated by avoiding punishment or loss.
2. Intrinsic motivation comes from within you and provides meaning, a sense of satisfaction, enjoyment, or personal well-being. It aligns with who you are, your purpose, and what interests you.

Sometimes, both types of motivation stimulate your drive.

For example, if you learned a new skill to improve your job performance, you could be motivated by an internal sense of accomplishment at learning something new.

You could also be motivated by positive recognition from your boss or a promotion or raise.

Research has shown that intrinsic motivation is more potent because it isn’t dependent on changeable outside variables.

It is also more likely to last when obstacles arise, and motivation is more challenging to maintain.

Motivation has three components, and without all of them, it can quickly wane.

1. Activation is the “start” phase of motivation. You take action to begin the steps toward achieving your goal. An example would be setting up a budget to control overspending if your goal is to get out of debt.
2. Persistence is the sustained effort to stay on task despite obstacles. If you had a lapse of controlled spending, persistence would mean accepting your temporary lapse and getting right back on your budget without giving up.
3. Intensity is the energy and strength of focus that you apply to attaining your goal. For example, you might seek to learn more about how to pay off credit cards successfully and increase your income.

In this example, extrinsic motivation could be avoiding a bad credit score that keeps you from buying a house.

Intrinsic motivation might be gaining control over your impulses, gaining the freedom and ability to build your future, and feeling good about yourself.

When approaching any goal, it’s good to ask yourself what both your intrinsic and extrinsic motivations might be. That alone can help jump-start your motivation.

Now, let’s move to some strategies you can use to increase your motivation.

Strategies That Help

Starters

One of the most challenging aspects of feeling unmotivated is getting started. Here are four ideas.

1. Don’t ask yourself if you want to do something. If you entertain that question, you’re encouraging your resistance, which will take a tighter hold on you. Of course you don’t want to do it, or you would be doing it already. Stop considering your desire to do it. That’s procrastination.
2. Use the 10-minute rule. Commit to doing one thing for 10 minutes. When you’re done, you can ask yourself if you want to do more, but you don’t have to. Just get started.
3. Pair the thing you dread doing with something you enjoy. Watch TV while cooking or folding clothes. Listen to music or a podcast while exercising. Drink a big cup of coffee with a candle burning while you review your finances.
4. Act like you are motivated. What would you be doing if you were motivated? Where would you be, what preparations would you make, and what would be your state of mind? Use your imagination and talk yourself into it. It’ll give you a strong nudge.

Sustained Effort

Once you’ve started, use these strategies to keep going when you want to quit.

• Imagine how you’ll feel when you reach your goal. What are the rewards? Consider both intrinsic and extrinsic rewards. Visualize them and put yourself there.
• Break your work into smaller tasks and focus on only one at a time.
• Remind yourself why this task matters. Intrinsic reward is motivating. So, finding something that fills that need will help you stay with it. It’s your why.
• Do the hard things first. Work on the tasks that take the most mental energy early in the day. You have more willpower at that time. As the day goes on, your willpower declines.

Optimal Arousal Level

Assess your mental, emotional, and physical arousal levels based on what you know about yourself.

Do you need more or less stimulation to be motivated?

For more:

• Exercise.
• Go to a setting where there are more people, like a coffee shop.
• Talk to someone you can bounce ideas off of and who is enthusiastic about what you want to do.
• Listen to an inspiring podcast that revs you up.
• Play a stimulating video game for 15 minutes and then go to work.

For less:

• Take a walk outside in nature.
• Meditate.
• Make sure you’ve had enough sleep. Take a nap if necessary.
• Take a bath or shower.
• Read for a while and then work.
• Do a house chore that organizes your mind.

The key to arousal is learning how you respond to stimuli by watching yourself and then choosing activities to adjust your response.

Self-Talk

While it’s good to be honest with yourself about your behavior and mistakes, it’s necessary to approach yourself with compassion.

Don’t allow yourself to sink into a mire of pessimism and criticism.

Remind yourself of situations in which you’ve overcome a lack of motivation. Review how you did it and affirm that you can do it again.

Self-Care

The last strategy is to ensure you’re giving yourself the fuel you need to maintain motivation.

That means getting enough sleep, exercise, and good food to keep your mind sharp and your mood stable.

A Reading Recommendation

If you like reading, a favorite book on motivation is ​Drive​ by Daniel Pink. I highly recommend it.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES:

_{American Psychological Association. Arousal theory}

_{Bandhu, D., Mohan, M. M., Anurag, N., Nittala, P., Jadhav, P., Bhadauria, A., & Saxena, K. K. (2024, April). Theories of motivation: A comprehensive analysis of human behavior drivers. Acta Psychologica, vol. 244. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.actpsy.2024.104177}

_{Cherry, K. (2023, May 3). Motivation: The driving force behind our actions. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-motivation-2795378}

_{Cherry, K. (2023, December 10). How arousal theory of motivation works. Very Well Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/the-arousal-theory-of-motivation-2795380}

_{Duhigg, C. (2016). Smarter faster better: The transformation power of real productivity. Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.}

_{Nickerson, C. (2023, Sept. 22). Arousal theory of motivation in psychology: Definition and examples. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/arousal-theory-of-motivation.html}

_{Pink, D. H. (2011).  Drive: The surprising truth about what motivates us. Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.}

_{Tarver, E. (2020, April 28). Arousal Theory of Motivation: Definition, Principles & Optimization. https://evantarver.com/arousal-theory-of-motivation/}

_{Yerkes, R. M. & Dodson, J. D. (1908). The relation of strength of stimulus to rapidity of habit-formation.  Journal of Comparative Neurology & Psychology. 18(5), 459-482. https://doi.org/10.1002/cne.920180503}

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When it comes to defining marital roles, who’s responsible for what is a subject of great controversy for many couples.

If you look at couples in the 1950s (watch an episode of I Love Lucy), you’ll see well-defined roles: the husband works and earns the money to pay the bills, and the wife takes care of the home and children. There’s some crossover, but not much.

Now look at today. There are no standardized, accepted patterns. There are many iterations of couple roles. Some still look like the 1950s version, but mostly, there’s a mix.

Many factors have contributed to the shift, but the most momentous change is that many women now work outside the home.

Taking care of the home, children, and finances are often split between both parents, but not necessarily down the middle.

How do you decide? Maybe more to the point, do you choose or just let it happen?

It’s best to tackle this issue consciously and deliberately. Otherwise, conflicts can quickly arise creating resentments and distance.

Here are some strategies to use to help you develop a good plan.

Discuss Expectations

Start at the beginning. Find out what each of you expects of each other and of yourselves. If you don’t do that, you’ll be operating in the dark, which won’t go well.

The questions are:

1. What are all the responsibilities and tasks that need to be handled daily?
2. Which ones do you expect yourself to do, and which ones are for your partner? (take turns saying)
3. How can you divvy it up so you’re both happy?
4. How are you going to negotiate changes as you go along?

Writing these down is recommended so you can refer to them later when you need to tweak something. Having them in print also makes things more straightforward and memorable.

Here are some ideas that might help you create expectations.

Play to Each Other’s Strengths

Some couples want each other to be able to do everything.

Both of you cook, clean, work, spend time monitoring the kids, run errands, and so on. Some couples do this well and are happy with it. If that’s the case, you’ve got it under control.

In those cases, it’s likely that each person grew up in a household where everyone had multiple responsibilities and learned how to do all those things.

For example, in my household, my brothers learned to clean as well as the girls and had many of the same chores. All of us could babysit. All of us learned to cook.

So, when we set up a house with our spouses, we were more likely to be similarly involved in all the responsibilities.

But it’s not always that way, is it?

In my husband’s home, the girls did all those home-related chores, and the men worked, made the money, kept up the yard, and did the more stereotyped male chores.

When we got married, significant differences in backgrounds showed up quickly in our household.

In situations like these, you have to negotiate.

In our case, it became clear that an excellent way to do this was to play to each other’s strengths and figure out how to make them complementary.

• Who’s best at managing household problems?
• Who needs more time for career-building?
• Who wants to work more on money and financial concerns?
• How can time be divided to do the chores, and who does what best?

That doesn’t mean that just because one person can clean much better than the other, they should do all the cleaning. It means that you assign duties based on preferences and know-how, yet stay flexible.

You must make it equitable, but it can be an effective solution. It takes some trial and error and a lot of flexibility to get it right.

Reverse Roles Once in a While

There’s nothing like reversing roles to see what your partner’s life is like.

If you’re not the person who usually stays home when the kids are sick, do that next time it happens. And on that day or days, do the same chores your spouse would be doing.

Or, work overtime and then come home to review the budget, pay the bills, take time with the kids, and help with the dishes.

Swap things out to keep yourself aware of the levels of stress you each have.

It’s not always possible to do that, but take those opportunities to change places when possible. And when you can’t, talk about it with interest and understanding for each other.

Stay in Touch Emotionally

This is the big one.

If you aren’t aware of how your partner is feeling on a daily basis and don’t take the time to check in about it, distance can creep in.

When that happens, you lose touch with how stressed your partner may feel or what they’re dealing with.

You lose empathy and can get singularly focused on your load and become resentful because you don’t think you have enough help.

An effective way to ensure you stay on top of this problem is to set aside regular time every day to check in, even if it’s just a half hour or less.

Then, once a week, set aside a more lengthy time to review how you’re both doing, what kinds of things you’re dealing with, and how you’re feeling.

You each need to feel seen and heard.

Any problem a couple has will be exacerbated when the relationship has become distant.

I recently watched a YouTube video by Nick Wignall, a writer and psychotherapist, titled Why Relationships Get Stale. He focused on emotional distance caused by three practices:

1. Emotional skimming
2. Emotional skirting
3. Emotional squashing

Quickly, emotional skimming is giving cursory attention to the other person’s feelings without any real depth. Emotional skirting is avoiding their emotions, and emotional squashing is invalidating them.

All three of these practices shut down the lifeblood of an intimate relationship.

Click on the title to watch the video. It’s worth your time.

Reduce the Overall Load

Take time at least once a month to streamline your routines.

• Is your list of tasks and to-dos bloated?
• Is your system working well?

Ask these questions for each of you individually and then as a couple.

• Can you remove anything from your daily routine?
• Can you operate more effectively together?

Perhaps you can streamline your processes to use your time more wisely and create more space in your days.

When you work together to devise a better process, you’ll make things more efficient and feel connected and on the same side.

Be real partners!

Get Outside Help

You might not have this option, but if you can, do it. Maybe it’s having someone clean the house once a month or once every two weeks.

You could get a babysitter once a week to go out together for some adult downtime.

Use a food service once a week. Get a part-time nanny to help with the kids.

All of these things cost money and may not be options. But, if you can, even one thing could help lift the stress.

Last Note

If you have children, involve them in family chores.

Your chores should be age-appropriate, of course, but the sooner your kids feel that being part of a family is participating in taking care of the home, the better off they’ll be, and so will you.

Some parents do everything for their kids, which has two questionable effects:

1. The kids feel entitled and can’t understand when things aren’t done for them.
2. You feel more stressed and overworked, which leads to burnout and resentment.

Make chores a family affair so your kids learn to handle responsibility and be part of a team.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

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Everyone is plagued by self-doubt sometimes. It’s normal. On the positive side, it helps you avoid impulsive actions that have negative repercussions. However, self-doubt becomes a problem when it’s pervasive and paralyzes you or sends you into a frenzy of activity to overcome it.

In both cases, self-doubt seeps into your identity and controls how you see yourself. It invades your self-talk, compromises social interactions, and consumes your attention.

It’s miserable and has you swinging back and forth between anxiety and depression.

At its worst, self-doubt develops into full-blow imposter syndrome, where you remain a hostage to relentless self-attack.

I will focus today on imposter syndrome because it’s where self-doubt lives. You can use any of the strategies for overcoming imposter syndrome to help you with your self-doubts, even minor ones.

Let’s start with a definition.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

Imposter Syndrome is an underlying belief that you’re a fraud even when your accomplishments and achievements say otherwise.

That’s the general definition. However, your assumptions are what drive that belief. Here are the most common ones.

• Everyone knows more than I do (and it’ll always be that way).
• All my accomplishments are just luck and good timing or because someone else laid the groundwork for me.
• I’m not as smart and talented as other people, and I never will be.
• Even though it appears I’m competent, people will find out pretty quickly that I’m not.

Generally, people with imposter syndrome are accomplished but downplay their achievements and never feel like they’ve done enough or done it well enough.

Dr. Valerie Young, the founder of the ​Imposter Syndrome Institute​ and an expert in the field, has identified five types of imposter syndrome that help explain how self-doubt manifests.

Let’s review them.

1. The Perfectionist

The perfectionist focuses primarily on performance. The outcome must be perfect. Anything less than 100% is unacceptable and results in failure and shame.

There’s always the belief that you could have done better, and even if others affirm your competence and worth, they don’t realize you’re not as good as they think you are.

2. The Expert

The expert focuses on attaining a perfect level of knowledge: How much do you know?

If you don’t know everything there is to know about a particular topic or area of expertise, then you aren’t an expert. Even though you know a significant amount and have experience and expertise, that doesn’t count.

You’re a fake parading as an expert, and other people will find you out.

3. The Natural Genius

This person focuses on how easy it is to achieve or accomplish something.

If you struggle to master a skill or subject, you’re not smart or talented enough. You’re mediocre.

If I can’t write this article off the top of my head in 30 minutes with little need for editing, then I don’t have what it takes to be a good writer.

4. The Soloist

You should be able to accomplish things on your own. You’re not genuinely competent if you need help or coaching from others.

5. The Superhuman

This person must be able to do it all and do it perfectly and quickly simultaneously. You’re the master multi-tasker and keep many plates spinning in the air at once.

Only the hardest worker and master juggler is competent and worthy. Falling short is a failure and, again, leads to shame.

How to Combat Imposter Syndrome

You can see from the five types outlined above that self-doubt and imposter syndrome go hand in hand. They both rely on these three personality traits and patterns.

1. Low self-efficacy. Self-efficacy is your belief in your ability to achieve any particular goal or task. People with significant self-doubt question their ability to succeed to the point that they create a self-fulfilling prophecy and don’t perform well.
2. Perfectionism. You need to be able to perform 100% in every situation.
3. Neuroticism. You tend to experience negative emotions and reactions like anxiety, depression, anger, and guilt often.

The Strategies

Strategies to overcome self-doubt and imposter syndrome aim to chip away at these three personality characteristics. By using these strategies, you get a handle on them. Here they are.

#1 Always be a student.

If you adopt the practice of being open to new information, methods, and ideas, you will be a perpetual student who enjoys learning.

A quick story applies:

In his book ​Think Again​, Adam Grant tells the story of giving a speech at a conference.

Sitting in the audience was Daniel Kahneman, the author of the well-known book ​Thinking Fast and Slow​.

Adam presented some studies and findings that challenged something Dr. Kahneman had endorsed.

Instead of being upset or offended, Dr. Kahneman told Adam he enjoyed being proven wrong and learning something new because now “he’s less wrong than he was before.”

Learning, knowledge, and expertise are fluid, and focusing on growth and learning instead of needing to be on top allows you to flourish and enjoy the process as you go.

#2 Focus on contribution instead of identity.

A quicker way to say this is to focus on what you give rather than how people perceive you.

Keep your attention on what’s needed.

For example, if you work with other people, what do they most need from you that you have to offer?

If you’re writing, who is your audience, what problems do they need addressing, or what inspires them?

How are your skills helpful to those on the receiving end?

The same applies to social interactions. What do you contribute to the well-being of people you interact with?

Instead of worrying about how they see you, consider how you affect them. Are you showing interest and empathy, setting a needed boundary, or listening?

Self-doubt prevents you from considering how to help because it keeps you focused on yourself.

You get all wrapped up in feeling anxious and lamenting what you think you don’t have. We all do it, so this isn’t a criticism but something to consider.

Think of yourself as a player on a team. You have something to contribute to the overall success and operation of the team. You’re needed. Your job is to do your best without sinking into self-criticism.

If you need to improve a skill, take the time to practice, but don’t let the mantra “I’m not good enough” distract you. It siphons off energy and time you could spend improving.

#3 Practice.

Practice is a never-ending part of life.

People who succeed and who evolve love practice.

It’s not just a means to an end but a rewarding experience because it involves fully engaging yourself in the present moment and becoming one with what you’re doing.

Someone can have natural talent and quickly pick up skills; however, the person who works consistently and diligently at improving a skill is the most successful.

#4 Make friends with mistakes.

Imposter syndrome and self-doubt are methods of resisting owning your mistakes. You pretend you shouldn’t make mistakes, fail, or sometimes miss the boat.

Any progress involves making mistakes and overcoming obstacles.

People have a hard time accepting this.

This is especially true if you were raised in a family where mistakes were forbidden and severely punished.

Research has shown that people deeply entrenched in imposter syndrome either had parents who were overly critical and didn’t help them learn how to accept and navigate failures, or parents who heaped on praise using superlative adjectives like “You’re the most talented kid I’ve ever seen!”

Either way, the message is, “The only acceptable way to be is to be perfect.”

#5 Stay away from comparing yourself to others.

Comparison can be helpful if you use it to improve, but for people who have significant self-doubts or imposter syndrome, it’s deadly.

Stick to making incremental improvements measured by your performance in whatever area you’re working on. You are your measuring stick, and you must create your own pace for progress.

A Quick Sum-Up

• Embrace your voice and skills and share them.
• Everyone doesn’t need precisely the same thing, so your unique delivery may assist someone in a way that someone else’s doesn’t or didn’t.
• It’s not just your skills but how you use them to provide service that’s your own. Only you can do that.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Carl Heyerdahl on Unsplash

I love being productive and spend a lot of time researching methods to increase my productivity. It’s rewarding when you can do something faster, easier, and better. No doubt about it!

But it’s got a dark side. I’m noticing that trend more. There’s a growing obsession with accomplishment and a neverending desire for more.

Today, I’ll give you a quick summary of this mindset and how to separate productivity from it so that you can use it to your advantage without it using you.

The Desire for More

How many times have you heard of billionaires whose primary focus is to make more money?

It’s not like they need it, but it’s become an obsession.

That’s an example most of us need never worry about, but the dynamic is something of concern.

You set a goal, work hard at it, and achieve it. But instead of savoring it, you feel discontent and move quickly to a new goal. Something bigger. Something grander.

There’s nothing wrong with working toward accomplishments. It’s a necessary drive that increases our overall survival and sense of worth. But there’s a runaway quality to it when it becomes obsessive.

Chris Bailey calls this trend “the accomplishment mindset.” Here’s his very apt description:

The accomplishment mindset is a conditioned set of attitudes and beliefs that drives us to constantly strive to accomplish more. We always want to fill our time with something and feel guilty when spending it in a “nonoptimal” way. This mindset leads us to continually think about the opportunity cost of our time and how to use our limited time to achieve more.

Opportunity cost is a business term that refers to the cost of engaging in one activity at the expense of something that would net greater gain.

Should you read through your emails or finish that sales ad?

Applying it more globally, you might decide that taking a 15-minute break to relax is a wasted opportunity to check three more things off your list.

That nagging voice in your head tells you you’re lazy when you don’t have the pedal to the floor.

There’s an addictive quality to the accomplishment mindset that won’t let you relax. You feel unworthy when you aren’t “being productive.”

Downtime makes you anxious and edgy.

The Trifecta

The trifecta looks like this:

Desire for More > Accomplishment Mindset > Productivity

Or the reverse could be true. You focus more and more on productivity and get swept up in accomplishing things, followed by an increasing need for more.

What eventually happens is that productivity becomes your identity.

And when you’re not being productive, you feel discontent and unhappy with yourself.

But isn’t productivity an asset?

Yes, it is, if used correctly.

Productivity is the science of how to get things done to achieve and accomplish goals.

It’s supposed to help you get your work done efficiently so you have time for yourself and activities that are important to you.

If you have a productive workday and can end it at a reasonable time, you can spend quality time with your family, partner, or friends. You can kick back, watch a show you like, or read a good book.

Productivity is a tool to use so you can enjoy all aspects of your life.

Strategies That Keep Productivity in Check

1. Be Aware of Obsessiveness

Most people don’t consider whether they’re obsessive or their actions are driven by compulsion. That’s something that belongs to a mental health diagnosis that’s out there somewhere and applies to other people.

Don’t kid yourself. All of us have tendencies to become obsessed with things. Some more than others, but it can also apply to you and me. And it does.

When you do something repetitively and feel uncomfortable when you aren’t or can’t do it, it’s time to pay attention.

There’s that fine line between choice and compulsion; when you’re aware of crossing it, you can back up a bit and put the reins on it.

Creating a productive or good habit is a choice. You decide to do something regularly because it’s in your best interest, like exercise.

You may grow to need it, but you keep a check on overdoing it, and you’re successful at it.

However, if you find yourself exercising three times a day every day and feel depressed if you miss one, you no longer have a habit that’s good for you.

You have an obsession combined with compulsive behavior.

Productivity itself can become an obsession with a compulsive need for accomplishment. You have to do it; when you don’t, you feel empty.

That’s a problem.

Just be aware of habits versus compulsions and keep a check on them.

2. Practice periods of silence.

I totally understand if you made a face at that, but give it a try anyway.

The specific practice is to spend time sitting, lying down, or walking silently. You can make it pleasant. For example, you can sit outside if you have a yard, park bench, or someplace interesting. But, be quiet.

Put all your tech away and let your mind wander. No music. Don’t engage in any other activity.

If it’s hard for you to do, start with ten minutes and work toward thirty.

The goal is to be able to do it, enjoy it, and get comfortable with it.

If you can, do it daily.

3. Spend time with other people.

Spend time with your family, partner, kids, friends, or whomever you like without a goal.

It can be fun, like playing board games or cards. Maybe go out for coffee. Walk around the block. Or just hang out and chat.

But no screens!

Now, it is fun to watch movies or TV together, and that’s fine too, but spend some time outside of that. Make screen time additional.

And please put your phones away when you’re talking to each other – speaking of addictions!

4. Savor your accomplishments.

When you’ve achieved a goal or gotten a lot done, take some time to savor and enjoy it.

Bask in the good feeling of having gotten to the finish line. Don’t jump right into the next thing, and the next, and the next.

The whole purpose of productivity is to enjoy the process using the best methodology and means to meet your goal, but then to let it be for a while and enjoy the benefits.

Productivity is a tool for your use, not who you are.

Keep your identity and your work separate. Identity is more about values and beliefs and how you express them.

5. Divide time.

Time can all run together, especially since we have so much to do. Sometimes, I’m incredulous about the expectations our culture demands of us and what we demand of ourselves.

You have to consistently counteract those demands by deliberately setting aside time for yourself and your relationships and resting.

However, you must be comfortable with those activities to do that. Many of us aren’t.

No worries. You can change that. It’s a matter of carving out that time and using it specifically for being instead of doing.

Make it repetitive until it is comfortable.

The silence exercises will help you with that.

6. Mediation, Exercise, and Good Diet

I always include these three things, and you may tired of hearing about them, but they are regular habits that counteract the culture of more, accomplishment mindset, and productivity on speed.

Exercise draws you out of your head and into your body, which is a very effective way of releasing stress and refocusing your priorities.

Regular meditation creates an ongoing awareness of yourself and a foundation of calm that helps you act with intention rather than compulsion.

Bad diets make you anxious and depressed. People don’t seem to believe or understand that, but science has shown it to be true. Watch what you eat.

Last Thing

All these suggestions aim to help you develop better habits and rewire your brain to gain more control over your life.

Let’s wrap it up with this quote:

Make productivity your aide and friend, but remember that you’re the boss. Use it, but don’t be it.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara