Photo by Sergei Dolgov, Courtesy of iStock Photo

There’s a Seinfeld episode where George storms into his boss’s office yelling:

That’s it. This is it. I’m done. Through. It’s over. I’m gone. Finished. Over. I will never work for you again. Look at you. You think you’re an important man? Is that what you think? You are a laughing stock, you are a joke, these people are laughing at you. You’re nothing. You have no brains, no ability, nothing. I quit!

And then he blazes back out.

The funny part is that he goes back to work later that same week for a staff meeting and pretends he didn’t quit.

He burned a bridge, realized he burned himself, and then tried to take it back.

That can quickly happen when you let your emotions run wild.

The question is:

Is it ever okay to burn a bridge, and if so, when and how?

Today, I’ll review some guidelines you can use to help make that decision. I’ll also give you strategies for doing it in a way that’s effective while preserving your integrity.

What Does “Burning a Bridge” Mean?

Burning a bridge means ending a relationship, whether with a person, job, or organization, in a way that closes the door to any continued interaction or contact.

It’s meant to be a permanent decision without any possibility of reconsideration.

Before you take that step, consider these factors.

Guidelines for Deciding If and When

1. Play out the consequences.

Start by objectively considering all the possible consequences that could come back to bite you.

The worst thing to do is make an impulsive decision based on runaway emotions.

It might feel great to leave a horrible job in a blaze of glory as you unload all your negative feelings going out the door. That’s what George did. But what happens when you need a recommendation from your boss for the next job?

The world gets smaller when it comes to jobs, especially in a particular profession or area of expertise. People talk, and word can get around about any unprofessional behavior on your part.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. How will burning this bridge affect my future in the next 6 months, next year, or five years down the road?
2. How will it affect my current circumstances? Will the effects be positive or negative?
3. How will it affect those close to me or for whom I have responsibilities?

One other consideration, especially when burning a professional bridge, is to consider your age and stage in your career.

The younger you are, the more likely the decision will come back to haunt you.

That doesn’t mean you should avoid burning the bridge, but you might instead focus on making a change for the better without creating negative consequences that will follow you as you grow professionally.

If, after thoughtful meditation on all these questions, you still wish to burn that bridge because it’s in your best interest, then do so.

I’ll show you how in the next section.

2. Consider the degree of toxicity and its effects on you.

A good reason to burn a bridge is to leave a toxic, abusive relationship that you know has no potential for change or improvement.

Here are some questions to consider in this case:

• Is this relationship damaging me – emotionally, physically, psychologically, socially?
• Can we improve things and work through the toxic issues? For example, would an honest conversation conducted respectfully and calmly make a difference? Would counseling help?
• Would some boundaries give the relationship a chance to improve?
• Do you know that you never want to be linked to or in contact with this person again in the future? Are you certain?

If you come up with the same answers after a good deal of thought and getting some counsel from someone you respect, then go forward. Just be sure that your decision is intentional and not impulsive

3. Is the situation compromising your values and ethics?

If you find yourself in a situation where continued involvement places you in direct opposition to your ethics or values, you may decide to cut ties.

For example:

You’re an engineer and work for a company that builds condos. You find out they’re cutting corners with materials and procedures that would endanger the safety of the buildings. You confront the owner, who denies any problems, so you quit and cut ties permanently with the company and let him know why you’re doing it.

Cutting ties doesn’t have to be loud or public. It can be a personal decision you make and act on without drawing a line in the sand. You simply move on.

Other times you might need to make clear to a person or organization that you’re leaving, why you’re doing it, and that you want no further contact.

Or, as in our example above, you can go public if someone is in danger.

The Dos, Don’ts, and Strategies

The worst time to burn a bridge is when you’re angry, stressed, depressed, or in the throes of reacting emotionally to a situation or person.

Use the guidelines above to be deliberate and thoughtful before taking action.

If you decide to go ahead, use these strategies.

Write out what actions you want to take.

Include the circumstances under which you want to cut ties. For example, if it’s a job you’re leaving, who do you need to speak to? Do you need a second person present? Will you schedule a meeting? Will you put it in writing?

If it’s a personal situation, consider the same questions. Do you want to meet with the person alone or with another person present? Is there any danger?

Plan for any fallout or contingencies.

Write out what you want to say.

Write out what you want to say or list points you wish to cover.

In our example above, where the building contractors were using faulty building materials, the engineer wanted to make sure that he verbally objected to these practices due to safety issues and repercussions to prospective buyers. It was a case of ethics.

In other cases, you might not want a long discussion. You just want to inform the other person you wish no further contact.

Bring your best self to the table.

When you burn the bridge, make sure that your actions are in keeping with your values and who you are and that your behavior is above board.

You might feel very self-satisfied after ranting and storming out of a situation like George did, but the feeling will likely fade and leave you dissatisfied.

You can speak strongly without losing control.

Make sure you manage yourself, what you say, and what you do.

If you do that, the other party is more likely to hear you and learn from the experience.

Also, you’ll have a better sense of closure.

Consider This

When possible, don’t burn a bridge.

Life is fluid, and you’ll find yourself moving through it on a winding path. When you try to navigate it as a straight line, you’ll burn many bridges because you won’t let yourself acclimate to inevitable ups and downs.

You can make changes, shift directions, and try different approaches without burning bridges for the most part.

Sometimes your best bet is to take what you can from a negative situation, learn the lessons, and move on to the next phase. You don’t need to douse the flame at every step.

There are times when burning a bridge is a permanent boundary you must set for your well-being.

That’s fine. Just be sure you think it through carefully before doing it.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Matias North on Unsplash

This year is off to a challenging start. Regardless of where you are in life, the world is undergoing many changes.

We’ve got AI altering how we work, political ups and downs, and economic uncertainty as inflation remains steady and prices seem to keep rising.

All of those things spell stress – more or less depending on your circumstances.

I’ve got five new books for you that will help you reduce and manage your stress.

All these books focus primarily on dealing with stress when you don’t have the option to change external circumstances.

Even when you can’t change what’s happening around you, you can control what happens inside you. That’s what we’ll target with this reading list.

Here we go.

1. ​The 5 Resets​ by Dr. Aditi Nerurkar

Dr. Nerurkar is a Harvard-trained stress expert who decided to pursue the study of stress and resilience when she experienced anxiety and involuntary heart palpitations that kept her up at night. She was a med student at the time and overworked, as most medical students are, and couldn’t think her way out of it.

She recognized that she was operating under the “resilience myth,” which is “the idea that putting your head down and powering through rough times is what resilience is all about.”

Not true. At some point, your body screams at you, and your brain stops working.

So, she began intensive research while working with highly stressed patients, which led to the creation of the “5 Resets.”

These resets are more than just stress-management strategies.

Based on scientific research, they involve rewiring your brain and body to react differently to stressful situations through small incremental changes over time.

The five resets are:

1. Get clear on what matters most.
2. Find quiet in a noisy world.
3. Sync your brain and your body.
4. Come up for air.
5. Bring your best self forward.

She explains each of these in detail and illustrates with stories about real people who overcame acute and chronic stress.

What I loved about this book, which is different from many books about stress management, is the research she uses to help you understand why the strategies she offers work.

These strategies directly impact brain changes, so they’re more impactful.

The second thing I loved is the “Rule of 2,” which means you start with two small changes that don’t require a lot of energy but create results that motivate you to keep going. It’s an ingenious approach that works.

The best part is that you can follow this process on your own by reading the book and doing the exercises. I’ve used some of the strategies myself and love them!

2. ​Mind Your Mindset​ by Michael Hyatt & Megan Hyatt Miller

The premise of this book is that we all live with a narrator in our heads.

Our narrator seeks to find meaning by explaining how things work using cause-and-effect and how they fit into our scheme of reality based on our experiences.

In short, we tell ourselves stories about how things are, but not always based on facts.

The book has three parts. How to:

1. Identify (recognize) your narrator with a full explanation of how it works neurologically and psychologically.
2. Interrogate (challenge) your narrator to uncover biases, distortions, and assumptions.
3. Train your narrator to use its ability to imagine and create while also being mindful of the facts.

Mind Your Mindset was written by a father and daughter team. They run a multi-million dollar company that teaches leadership skills and provides performance coaching to help people achieve their work and life goals.

I found the concept of the “narrator” extremely useful in challenging assumptions and distortions.

Understanding how the brain facilitates this process also helps you manage it. I highly recommend this book!

3. ​The Let Them Theory​ by Mel Robbins

One of the opening statements in the first chapter of this book is:

“The problem isn’t you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people. You work harder, bend further, and shrink yourself smaller, and still, someone is disappointed. No matter how hard you try, it’s never enough.”

The Let Them Theory is about learning to control what you can, which is you—your reactions, responses, behavior, and actions. Not someone else’s.

The book’s first half describes how to “Let Them” be who they are, think what they think, feel what they feel, and do what they do.

The author delves into what this means and how it works. She outlines the benefits of giving up control of how others perceive you. It’s an exercise in radical acceptance.

The book’s second half deals with “Let Me,” where she discusses how you can respond. It’s where your control lies.

She offers numerous strategies for responding thoughtfully and effectively to provocative people and situations. She also delves into how to deal with other people’s expectations and criticisms.

There’s an invaluable chapter on enabling and rescuing and another on the pros and cons of comparing yourself to others.

There is also a special appendix section for parents to apply the Let Them Theory to children.

The book is full of personal stories that illustrate the content. The author’s compassion comes through in each one, and her track record of overcoming adversity is admirable.

4. Crucial Conversations​ by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler & Emily Gregory

Crucial Conversations is a detailed, actionable manual for how to navigate critical conversations successfully. The authors define a “crucial conversation” as a discussion between two or more people where there are: (1) opposing opinions, (2) high stakes, and (3) strong emotions.

The beauty of this book is that the authors identify the obstacles that arise in these conversations and offer comprehensive strategies to remove them so that everyone walks away feeling heard and satisfied with the exchange.

The book is divided into three main parts after the introduction.

Part 1 deals with what to do before starting a crucial conversation.

This upfront prep will go a long way toward ensuring you’re clear on the topic and how you want to convey it. It will also set the scene for a better outcome.

Part 2 focuses on the conversation itself – yours and theirs.

In this section, the authors do a good job of describing how these conversations go awry. They offer concrete steps to make it safe for everyone to talk, be heard, and explore each other’s points of view without defensiveness, overreaction, personal attacks, or withdrawal.

Part 3 addresses how to finish.

These chapters describe how to move from discussion to action – solutions, next steps, and assignments.

I suggest reading The Let Them Theory first, followed by Crucial Conversations.

5. ​The Comfort Book​ by Matt Haig

The Comfort Book is one of my all-time favorite books. It’s not a book to sit down and read cover to cover, although you could. It’s meant to be read slowly – one entry at a time.

The book contains short essays, poems, advice, stories, and metaphors. It’s divided into three loosely structured parts with numerous entries under each.

The author uses his own experiences with anxiety, depression, and psychological growth to narrate his journey.

You’ll find yourself resonating with many of the themes as they’re universal.

The entries vary. Sometimes, they’re philosophical, sometimes whimsical, and always comforting and insightful.

I’ll leave you today with an excerpt from this book. It’s one of my favorites:

You don’t have to be positive. You don’t have to feel guilty about fear or sadness or anger. You don’t stop the rain by telling it to stop. Sometimes you just have to let it pour, let it soak you to your skin. It never rains forever. And know that, however wet you get, you are not the rain. You are not the bad feelings in your head. You are the person experiencing the storm. The storm may knock you off your feet. But you will stand again. Hold on.”

That’s all for today.

Have a good week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Hiraman, Courtesy of iStock Photo

There’s no shortage of criticism these days. Just post a controversial comment on social media. Wham! You’ll get a barrage of them.

How do you decide when to take someone’s criticism of you seriously?

What if your partner accuses you of being late all the time?

Or a good friend tells you you’re too sensitive. You take things personally when you shouldn’t.

Maybe your officemate throws a sarcastic comment at you about your work on a report.

These are all criticisms – some blatant and some more vague, but you feel them either way.

Getting criticized is a fact of life. No one escapes.

You need a method to decide whether to respond or not.

I have guidelines for you that I use to address this question. Here they are.

Quantity Counts

If you hear a particular criticism once and never again, you might not take it seriously.

But if you hear the same thing more than once or from several sources, it’s more likely to be valid.

You should consider it before throwing it out.

This isn’t a hard, fast rule, but it does help you weed through what you want to respond to.

Consider the Source

This is tricky. You might decide the source is questionable, but the criticism has some validity.

In other cases, the source is not one you respect or trust.

The social media example is more likely to fall into this category.

If someone you don’t know and who doesn’t know you criticizes you, how valid can it be?

Indeed, it drops low on the scale of probability.

If the criticism is from someone you know, consider asking these questions. If any of them describe the person, the validity is shaky.

• They regularly criticize many people, not just you.
• Their focus is negative much of the time.
• They often project their problems onto others (accusing them of doing things they do).
• They seem unaware or in denial of their issues.

A quick example:

When I see a negative business review on Google, I always check two things:

1. Are there many positive reviews and only one negative review?
2. Does the person who left the 1-star review have a history of leaving bad reviews?

You can see that by clicking on their name. Not surprisingly, I often find they’ve left fifteen to twenty other 1-star reviews and no positive ones. If that’s the case, I dismiss their review.

The question is, do you trust the judgment and objectivity of the person criticizing?

As a rule, do you respect their opinions?

If you answered yes to those two questions, it’s good to consider what they have to say—not in every case, but overall.

Likewise, if your answer is no, you might dismiss what you hear.

The only caveat is that occasionally, a lousy source can still provide useful feedback.

You have to sift through the criticism to see if there’s any validity to any part of it. It’s a judgment call.

That brings us to the next guideline.

What’s the Motive?

When someone launches a criticism, they have a motive. Always.

Here are some common categories:

• It’s their job. This applies to a work supervisor, teacher, parent, or authority figure who guides your behavior.
• They’re genuinely concerned about your well-being.
• The criticism is a knee-jerk reaction to something you did or said.
• They’re genuinely affected by your behavior and don’t feel heard. In other words, they’ve brought up the problem more than once.
• They can’t face their issues and project them onto you.
• They want to hurt you.
• They’re a serial critic and make it a practice to criticize anyone and everyone.

In general, unless the person criticizing you is a parent or authority figure whose job is to help you improve your behavior or performance, you should question the motivation.

Ask yourself this:

Is what they’re criticizing you about directly affecting them? Or are they offering an unsolicited view of your behavior that does not personally affect them?

In the first instance, the motivation is more likely to be valid. Someone’s letting you know that something you’re doing is causing them distress.

If your partner tells you that leaving your work stuff on the kitchen counter every evening when you get home interferes with making dinner, that’s a valid criticism.

But if a friend tells you you’re too quiet in social situations, that’s more suspect.

Why does that matter to them, and why are they telling you that? Maybe they’re trying to be helpful, but maybe not.

The worst-case scenario is scornful or hateful criticism.

In those cases, the person criticizing desires to hurt you, and that’s not okay under any circumstances.

Now, we get to the fourth guideline.

How’s the Delivery?

Is the criticism a personal attack, or is it focused on a behavior?

Personal attacks don’t help. They make people defensive. And they’re usually exaggerated, which makes them questionable.

Generally, if someone comes at you with an arrow pulled back and aimed at your heart, you can dodge the attack.

However, if it’s coming from someone close to you, it may be more that they aren’t adept at expressing anger. They’re frustrated, and you need to sift through the complaint.

In those cases, step back and give yourself time to recover emotionally, but then examine the issue and see what action you need to take.

After you resolve the problem, tell the other person how to approach you better in the future.

These scenarios are common in intimate relationships.

What if the criticism is meant to hurt?

If the criticism is clearly a personal attack meant to belittle, humiliate, or hurt you, step back and consider the source and motivation.

If you don’t care about the other person’s perception of you, you may wish to walk away and let it go.

However, don’t let it go if it comes from someone you care about or know well. Talk it through, but be clear that you won’t tolerate personal attacks.

The Short Version

When someone criticizes you, do this:

1. Step back and examine the content of the complaint. Is there any part of it that’s valid?
2. If so, decide how you’d like to respond.
3. Take action to make behavioral changes, apologize if needed, and repair damage.
4. If you didn’t like the delivery, let the person know how to approach you better next time.

I would encourage you to avoid responding to criticism on social media.

Problem-solving in public is rarely helpful to anyone because there are no boundaries. It invites input from people you don’t know.

Besides, the lack of face-to-face conversation allows people to abandon civility and say anything they like without empathy for the other person.

For You

For you, a good practice to learn is how to voice your concerns in ways that can be well-received and not hurtful.

• Stick to talking about behaviors and not the person. Use “I” messages.
• Be specific about how a behavior affects you and what you’d rather have happen.
• Don’t directly criticize someone’s sense of self. That will backfire and, if done enough, damage the relationship.
• Assume that everyone’s sensitive to being criticized, and think before you speak.

That’s not always easy when you’re upset, but it’s crucial to preserve your relationships.

Always take a step back or a break if necessary to think carefully about what you want to say, the outcome you want, and how the other person might respond to your words.

If you stick to that, you’ll be more successful and appreciated.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Alexey Demidov on Unsplash

Do you ever wish your life was different? Of course you do. Everyone does. While your life may seem perfect sometimes, I’m guessing you have more moments when you want change.

It’s human nature. We’re always striving for something different, something more, something that will make us feel happier.

It’s okay to strive. Without that urge, you wouldn’t evolve. So it’s a necessity. But it can become an obsession. You think, “What if? If only . . .”

What about trying this instead?

Surrender.

Did you just blanch? Surrender? Never!

Surrender doesn’t mean giving up, accepting mediocrity, or losing your desire and drive to improve. It means making an impact. Right now. Right where you are.

Let me explain:

If you’re always striving and looking ahead, you’re missing what you have and what you can do now. After all, we’re always in the present. This day. This moment.

How can you make this moment meaningful? What can you do with what you have right now that fulfills your need for value?

Okay, let’s figure out how to use this idea to make our lives more fulfilling.

Straddling

You have to straddle the present and future at the same time.

If you want to look at it philosophically, the present always holds the future.

If you act with your whole self in the present, you create your future.

Of course, outside events and forces shape your future, too, but you have significant input, and you can use that to make your present circumstances valuable and meaningful.

In so doing, you have dynamic input into where your future goes.

How to Make This Work

Let’s get practical. Develop these three regular practices to keep yourself in the present while building a future and making an impact.

1. Relationships and Interactions

Focus on your daily interactions.

How are you conducting yourself in each interaction?

This question applies to people you’re close to, people you work with, and people you don’t know but cross paths with.

In other words, everyone you interact with, even if it’s just a nod or a smile.

Your goal is to decide how you want to conduct yourself based on your values and who you want to be, and then observe how well you do that and how often you stray from it.

By watching yourself, you become more purposeful and focused on your behavior. You give more of yourself in ways that add to others’ lives rather than detract.

It’s easy to underestimate the value and impact of a single interaction of goodwill.

Set these goals:

1. Affirm others’ worth regularly in thought and deed. That means offering words of encouragement, affirmation, and gratitude.
2. Be authentic in your interactions.
3. Be kind, considerate, and positive. If you have problems with someone, approach them respectfully as you seek to resolve the issue.
4. Avoid spewing hate, scorn, and criticism.

In other words, consciously observe and upgrade your behavior in your interactions. Doing that will change your future.

2. Daily Focus

Recognize the value of each day.

That sounds a bit trite, but I don’t mean that way.

As you start the day, decide what you can do to make it worthwhile and useful.

Set out your activities to provide as much service and value as possible in the 24 hours, including 8 hours of sleep.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s a heavy workday or a more relaxed day.

All days offer opportunities, even those when unexpected problems arise.

What’s important is your level of engagement, both behaviorally and emotionally.

What service are you providing?

Service is a broad concept that includes obvious things like caring for others, working at your job, or running errands for your family.

But it also includes attitude, willingness to engage, cheerful acceptance and execution of duties, and acknowledging the needs of others in your environment.

If you’re busy, you probably pay a lot of attention to your to-do list. I do that.

But it’s equally important to offer a kind and willing attitude and be flexible when needed.

It’s easy to forget that when you’re hyper-focused on checking that list off.

Fully engage with the right attitude and make your day a full circle in itself.

That keeps you present while sowing the seeds of a better future.

3. Reflection

Set aside a time each day, preferably at the same time, to reflect on your behavior, mindset, and interactions.

How did you do? What went well, and where could you have improved?

Nothing changes without reflection.

By setting up a daily review habit, you stay in the present and become intimately aware of yourself and your progress.

The caveat is that you must approach this exercise without harshness or a critical eye.

The point is to increase your awareness so you have more to work with. It’s not to be used as a means of berating yourself.

The more honestly you can assess your emotions, activities, and behavior, the better off you’ll be. You’ll know where to make changes and also feel good about what you’ve accomplished.

Some habits will take longer to change, but reminding yourself daily of where you are will help you stick with your goals and aspirations.

You’ll also increase your agency and gain greater control over yourself, which always feels good.

The Benefits

The three practices we’ve just outlined will help you bring your present into your future and simultaneously enhance and sharpen aspects of your personal development. It’s a win-win. Here’s how.

Sharpen Your Conscience

Focusing on your interactions with others will expand your use of conscience. You will become more acutely aware of your effect on others and your environment.

Our culture has become lax in this respect, but not to our benefit. Your individual input is powerful, so use it consciously.

Add Meaning to Your Life

When you focus on making each day valuable, you add to your sense of meaning.

You can see how your activities and input have value and impact.

You broaden your concept of service and understand more fully how your daily actions contribute.

It’s easier to pursue and accomplish goals when you see how they fit into the positive fabric of everyone’s life, not just yours. You feel a sense of community.

It’s easy to dismiss your impact when focused on the global problems blasted daily across every media outlet.

You still have an impact. Don’t underestimate it.

Increase Your Satisfaction

When you stay focused on the present and do what you can daily, you can feel satisfied that you’ve contributed to the well-being of the human race, including yourself.

You add to your happiness and peace because you’ve done what you can.

Not perfection, mind you. Don’t get caught up in being perfect.

Be good enough, compassionate, attentive, and active.

Add value. That’s enough.

That’s all for today.

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by fizkes, Courtesy of iStock Photo

What’s the biggest reason people seek marriage counseling?

Take a guess.

Most people will say communication.

That’s close, but it’s more specific than that.

It’s the inability to resolve conflicts verbally.

One way to upgrade your conflict-resolution skills is to recognize and eliminate the obstacles that get in the way.

When you address these, you’ll get better at talking through problems.

Let’s start with emotional reactivity.

1. Emotional Reactivity

Most people operate under the belief that emotional reactions have a life of their own and, consequently, you can’t control them. If you do, it takes tremendous effort.

Very often, the solution used is to suppress your emotions. If you can do that, you don’t have to react to them.

But, as we all know, that doesn’t often work. And if it does, it’s only a temporary solution because those emotions will surface again under similar circumstances.

A better approach is to train yourself to handle emotional reactions without much effort and without trying to suppress or repress them. Even if you’re very emotional, you can do that successfully.

The solution is to give your emotions space every time they arise.

So what does that mean?

It means letting them come up.

If they’re overwhelming, you can take a break until the fire dies down, or you can take a step back and observe the reaction as you have it without acting on it.

By becoming proficient at approaching your reactions with mindfulness, you can train yourself to use it automatically whenever you have an emotional reaction – even a positive one.

Get in the practice of watching your emotions ebb and flow as you experience them.

With regular practice, you’ll get good at putting space between your reactions and your responses.

You’ll gain a sense of “you” separate from your thoughts and emotions.

This “you” or “I” has the control. It’s the captain of emotional your ship.

2. The Need to Assert Yourself (or Be Right)

A second issue when conflicts arise is having a strong urge to assert yourself – your opinions, thoughts, emotions, and responses.

When someone says something to you that you disagree with or take issue with, the urge to defend and correct is intense. You want to be right.

The stronger you disagree, the more intense the urge becomes and the more impulsive your response.

The unspoken underlying belief that creates this urge is that if you don’t defend, you agree.

And if the issue pertains to a value you hold dear, the need to defend is stronger because your identity is threatened.

That’s why people become so fiery when the subject matter is something of particular value to them.

The way to get around this is to recognize that listening to someone’s assertions or ideas, even if they’re opposite of yours, does not imply agreement.

Nor is it penetrating your sense of self.

You could listen to someone rant for thirty minutes about something you disagree with, but that doesn’t change your stance unless they happen to say something that resonates with you.

When you know and remember this, you can calmly hear someone out before jumping in and defending.

You can ask questions and encourage them to elaborate and voice their thoughts and feelings without jumping in and defending or correcting them.

That skill is the most important one for successfully resolving conflicts. It allows you to see the other person’s point of view with insight and empathy. It creates a connection between you and them, so you’re on the same side.

You’ll have your turn, but your responses will be more effective and potent if you thoroughly listen first and understand the other person’s perspective.

3. Backstories

Backstories add layers to conflicts.

Backstories are your previous attempts to resolve an issue. You may have had the same conversation more than several times and been unsuccessful.

Or worse, you’ve been upset about something for a long time and not verbalized it. So, by the time the subject finally surfaces, you’ve built up a vault of resentment and anger that will likely spew once you allow yourself to express it.

The best approach to preventing this is to discuss and resolve problems when they arise rather than allowing them to build up.

If you have difficulty resolving an issue, dedicate yourself to pursuing it until you meet success.

Get help if needed, or divide your attempts to discuss the problem over several talks rather than all at once.

However you decide to do it, the goal is not to let it sit and fester.

Conflicts with long backstories are much more complex to resolve.

4. Resentment and Grudges

Built-up resentment can morph into grudges. And grudges are destructive – to you and the person you have a grudge against.

When you hold a grudge against someone, you ruminate about it.

You review the offending incident repetitively in your mind, building and embellishing the story each time, focusing on how you were mistreated. With each review, your anger builds.

People can hold grudges for years.

The problem is that ruminating about what happened doesn’t affect anyone but you. You feel miserable and more as time passes.

It spills into other interactions you have, either with the same person or in similar circumstances.

Grudges don’t offer anything of value. They hurt you and may hurt your future relationships.

If you can’t resolve them with the offending person, you need to work on letting them go for your own sanity and mental health.

Part of that entails recognizing the other person’s issues that led to their behavior and maybe empathizing with them.

It also requires you to dispel some of your assumptions and cognitive distortions about what happened.

We’re storytellers, and we can turn a single incident into a novel that’s unrelated to what originally happened.

Watch your grudges and resolve them before they grow.

5. Assumptions

Many conflicts arise or are exacerbated by your assumptions about what someone is thinking, feeling, or doing.

Before jumping to conclusions, assume the role of an investigator and gather the facts without prejudice before deciding what’s going on or what the other person or persons are thinking and intending.

Slow down the process.

When you investigate, you move from emotional mode to thinking mode. You become calmer, gain emotional distance, and create mental space to examine what’s happening.

Being an investigator and listening are the two most essential skills for successfully approaching and resolving conflicts. And they go together.

You listen, ask questions, dig deeper, and get a complete picture of the other person’s feelings and thoughts. You find out how they arrived there, what they’re afraid of, and their intentions.

When you have all of that information, your response will be thoughtful and informed. You’ll be able to connect even when you strongly disagree.

That’s because instead of focusing only on what you disagree with, you’ll focus on the whole person. This will allow you to protect the relationship while working through the conflict.

Or, if you know you don’t want to continue a relationship, you can leave it with resolve and know you did your best to make it work.

6. All-or-Nothing Thinking

All-or-nothing thinking implies two opposing sides: one is right, and one is wrong.

To resolve conflicts in a way that protects the integrity of the relationship, you need a win-win. Both people should feel heard, respected, and understood.

Even in cases where you agree to disagree, there must be a mutual sense that each person’s point of view is understood.

Keep that in the front of your mind when you’re approaching a disagreement or conflict, and practice maintaining respect throughout and giving the other person plenty of time to explain what’s on their mind.

Ask questions with curiosity and show empathy for their feelings.

If you do that, along with being a good listener and investigator, you’ll get good at negotiating and resolving contentious issues.

You’ll also preserve and deepen your relationships.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Suggested Reading:
Be An Empathetic Detective to Improve Your Relationships
How to Truly Connect With Someone: Whole Being Listening

Photo by Photo by Ashley Light on Unsplash

We all have comfort zones. They’re familiar places and situations that don’t challenge us much. They’re easy and don’t require a lot of energy.

Some of them, like regular self-care routines, are good for you. But many of them are not.

These are the ones you get stuck in, and instead of providing a respite, they’re a means of avoidance. They’re ingrained patterns of dealing with particular situations and emotions you want to side-step.

It’s in your best interest to become aware of your comfort zones and only keep those that serve you well.

Today, I’m sharing five comfort zones I had to let go of. You may have some of the same ones. I’ll show you how they work and how you can become more aware of yours.

The first one is well-known!

1. People-Pleasing

If you’re the oldest child in your family, you likely know all about people-pleasing, although it can be a comfort zone for anyone regardless of family position.

For me, people-pleasing has always been a means of accomplishing three things:

1. Gaining acceptance and admiration for what I can do.
2. Avoiding confrontations or anger directed toward me.
3. Keeping the peace. Especially keeping the peace!

Now, the thing about any comfort zone is that you get both primary and secondary gains.

The primary gains are apparent, like my list above. These are overt, conscious gains you get.

Secondary gains are not so noticeable, but it’s essential to identify them. If you don’t do that, the behavior will operate automatically.

My secondary gains in people-pleasing are:

1. Avoiding confrontations.
2. Avoid feeling the brunt of someone’s displeasure with me.

That raises the question:

“Is a comfort zone like people-pleasing only negative?”

No, it’s not.

Some comfort zones have positive and negative benefits, and people-pleasing is one of those.

Caretakers and managers have valuable skills, and helping others is healthy, but only when it doesn’t cost anyone. Using it to avoid who you are and what’s important to you is detrimental.

I had to redefine people-pleasing as a means of using my managerial skills to serve others, but not at the expense of my well-being.

That required getting good at setting boundaries and not worrying so much about being liked or dealing with someone’s displeasure.

If this is one of your comfort zones, work on boundary-setting. It’s may be difficult at first, but the more you do it, the easier and more automatic it will become.

In the process, you’ll let go of this costly comfort zone and still help others when you want to.

2. Chronic Depression

Being depressed is not a sought-after comfort zone.

The label itself isn’t entirely accurate because being depressed is not comfortable and is rarely within your control.

No one seeks out depression, and in some cases, it’s a severe problem.

That said, chronic depression can oddly become a comfort zone of sorts. It’s a place to retreat, albeit a painful one. It’s familiar.

I saw a young woman in therapy once who admitted to me that one evening, as she sat on her bed lamenting her life, which she often did, she felt the shadow of depression moving into her consciousness and, for a fleeting moment, felt pleasure in its presence.

She explained,

“It’s familiar. It’s my old, ugly friend that never deserts me.” She added, “Sick, huh??”

No, not really. It exemplifies the human need for familiarity, and if you’ve grown up around depression and with depression, it becomes a part of your identity.

It’s like living in an old, bug-ridden shack of a house that, on the surface, you don’t like, but it’s home. Not a good home, but home nevertheless.

Being depressed is a painful experience that blunts your emotional and physical energy to perform life duties. It lends itself to oversleeping, binge-watching TV, crying in some cases, and having little interest in much of anything other than vegetating.

The secondary gains are that you can spend time beating yourself up for what you’re not accomplishing, which leads to more depression, and at the same time, avoid interacting with your life.

A circular trap of “retreat – avoid – punish” keeps you isolated and immobile.

I used to call it the abyss, and most people who’ve experienced chronic depression all agree that’s what it feels like.

Thinking about depression as a comfort zone (or habitual pattern) can help you begin to unravel it.

Most people with chronic depression seek out help, but some don’t. It is necessary to get help and recognize secondary gains in the process of working it through.

It’s a longer process, but you can successfully emerge from it, and once you do, it doesn’t return. Your identity and sense of worth change.

3. Procrastination

Procrastination is the most common comfort zone on this list.

The secondary gains of procrastinating are easy to identify. You get to avoid what you don’t want to do.

You can instead engage in pleasurable activities with more enjoyment because it feels like you’re playing hooky from school or work, and you easily lie to yourself that you’ll do it later.

It’s a familiar and pleasurable regression. Of course, it comes back to bite you.

Procrastinators operate from a deadline mentality.

Unless something sits on top of you and squeezes you, you can’t muster up the energy to get it done.

When the deadline looms just close enough that you can barely reach the finish line in time, you become energized enough to sprint.

It’s an awful way to do things. I went through undergrad and graduate school that way, which was painful.

However, I’m happy to say I’ve overthrown this comfort zone for good and now find doing things ahead most pleasurable. It’s so much easier! It’s a matter of changing the habit.

If this one plagues you, use every strategy you can find until you find the right combo to change your behavior. I’ll list my favs at the end with suggested reading.

4. Toxic Partners and Friends

This comfort zone is another common one. You find yourself attracted repeatedly to the same type of toxic person. It happens most often in romantic choices but also can be pervasive in friend choices.

This comfort zone almost always originates from dysfunctional family relationships.

If you like psychology, you can read up on object relations, which is the basis of this phenomenon.

In short, you choose partners that mirror the dynamics of your relationship with one or both of your parents.

This comfort zone is more difficult to overcome because it isn’t voluntary. It’s unconsciously ingrained.

And you find you aren’t as attracted to people who treat you well, even when the opportunity arises.

I’ve written more extensively on this subject. You can find that article by clicking here.

You can overcome this comfort zone, but it will take time, insight, and work. However, it’s worth doing because the reward is having healthy relationships that benefit you and enhance your life and sense of self.

5. Shopping Therapy

I saved this one for last because it’s obvious. If it doesn’t apply to you, congrats! It’s a bad one!

It’s so easy to engage in because you can order anything online at any time with a credit or debit card.

Shopping therapy is insidious because no matter how much you know spending that money will not be in your best interest, some part of you overrides everything you know in a split second.

There you are at the keyboard, clicking “purchase!” with that sense of satisfaction. All rationality is suspended momentarily.

And then comes the “Ouch!”

The antidote to shopping therapy is cultivating small, pleasurable rewards that are good for you.

The more you do that, the sooner you burn out your desire to treat yourself to impulsive shopping.

Another strategy is to review your bank account or budget daily or weekly to keep the reality of your spending in the front of your mind.

After a while, you won’t take pleasure in overspending. You associate it with pain, not pleasure.

You’ll take more pleasure in controlling your spending and saving money.

How to Use All of This

Set aside an hour or more to write down your comfort zones. List the ones you engage in most often, and see if you need to make changes.

Comfort zones operate automatically, often under the radar. You need to be aware of them to control them.

Once you have the list, tackle them one at a time until you succeed in letting them go.

That’s all for today!

Happy January!

All my best,

Barbara

Suggested Reading:
A Quick Solution to Procrastination
Getting Comfortable with Discomfort
Do What You Say You Will Do
Atomic Habits by James Clear

Photo by Cn0ra, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Instead of making a list of goals with specific outcomes to start the New Year, you might be better off trying an alternative approach to get what you want without the angst and urgency that fades out early in the game.

I’m proposing two unconventional goals. Anti-goals, to be exact.

Typical Goals

Here’s a typical New Year’s goal:

Start a diet and exercise regime to fit into a size two by summer and attract someone you’ve had your eye on.

And another one:

Create an online course, launch it, make $25K, and get the attention of influencers in your field.

There’s nothing wrong with these goals in theory. It’s okay to create a goal to get something you want. But there are two problems with this approach:

1. You can’t control the outcomes because some depend on other people’s actions.
2. It’s easy to lose momentum because the outcomes don’t come as quickly or easily as you’d hoped.

So what’s a better alternative?

I’m proposing two approaches that aren’t outcome-dependent.

Approach #1: Focus on the process, not the outcomes.

You can control the process, so why not focus on that?

Instead of going on a new diet and engaging in an exercise regime to get into a size two dress, focus on becoming someone who eats healthy, exercises, and takes care of their body, regardless of the outcomes and perks.

Focus on your process and the idea of improving yourself.

This ongoing endeavor arises from your internal drive to better yourself—in this case, your health.

This same approach works for our second example.

Focusing on the creative process of developing an online course allows to immerse yourself in it without worrying about how much money it will make.

Completing the project provides a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment while enjoying the process as you go.

Again, these internal rewards don’t rely on anyone else’s input.

When you focus on the external reward, you become grasping, which triggers anxiety and a fear of missing out (the well-known FOMO effect).

Focusing on the process helps you avoid those pitfalls.

Another benefit is that you work primarily on developing discipline and learning.

Each day becomes an episode of self-improvement as you engage in and adjust your process to get better at it.

The process requires discipline because it involves the daily actions that produce results. It encourages you to become stronger in your intent and perseverance.

You may achieve the same outcomes as someone who focuses primarily on goals, but whether you do or not isn’t the sole purpose of your work.

Self-actualization is your work, which has personal meaning for you and helps you sustain your effort and interest.

Now, let’s summarize the value of this approach:

1. The activities you choose are within your control.
2. The drive to do them comes from within. They’re for you, your purpose, and your benefit. In other words, motivation is intrinsic.
3. You improve your self-discipline and task completion. You’ll get results, but the daily discipline is what feeds you.

On to the second unconventional goal.

Approach #2: Create White Space

I recently read an article on Medium by a young man named JA Westenberg. The title was ​Negative Space: The 2-Hour Rule That Changed My Life.​

The subject matter immediately spoke to me as it’s something I believe in and grew up with.

Let me back up:

White (or negative) space is a term in art and photography for the empty space surrounding images in a painting, drawing, or photograph. It’s the backdrop.

White space supports the images and allows you to see them.

Likewise, an empty white canvas is like a still mind before thoughts pop up and fill your mental space.

It’s where creativity, ideas, and solutions arise.

When you stay busy, relentlessly filling every minute with activity, you don’t allow yourself to benefit from your white space.

You’re either working, talking, dealing with problems, or performing tasks. When not doing those things, you scroll through social media, watch TV, play games, or do busy work – generally, until your head hits the pillow and you fall asleep.

Your mental canvas is so cluttered that new ideas, solutions, or insights have no room to arise.

To use white space, you must set aside time to let it surface.

You’ve got to schedule it daily. Literally, put it on your calendar.

Schedule an hour when you aren’t working, planning, using technology, talking, answering emails, or performing tasks.

Allow yourself to be bored, sit with your coffee or tea and gaze into space, or walk outside (without music).

It’s not agenda time. It’s time to be with yourself, to let your mind wander, to engage in free association and contemplation.

Regular use of white space leads to greater creativity.

Innovative approaches to problems, work methods, relationship-building, and entrepreneurial projects pop into your mind.

Moreover, using white space improves your efficiency, performance, and productivity because it recharges you mentally, emotionally, and physically.

When you constantly keep your foot on the gas pedal without pulling into rest stops, your car will eventually break down. And we do that ourselves all the time.

How to Set It Up

Westenberg suggests these rules to help you get started and make it worthwhile.

• Start small. A half-hour a day would be a great starter. You could build it to an hour if you like, or do half an hour a day and an hour once a week. Set it up so you can do it without any downsides.
• Schedule it like an appointment you must keep.
• Don’t schedule it when working on a deadline. You’ll sabotage yourself.
• Let people know you’ll be unavailable for texts, emails, or phone calls during this time.
• If you have to move the time, that’s fine, but don’t delete it.

I would add, pick something that appeals to you.

I like walking outside or sitting with a cup of coffee, my laptop closed, just thinking.

It’s awkward at first, but you eventually look forward to it and love it.

The best ideas come when you allow your mind some room to imagine.

A side benefit is that suspending attendant activity for a specific time daily helps break dopamine addiction.

Dopamine is a necessary neurotransmitter for focusing and sustaining interest in something. It does its job well if stimulated the right way in the right amounts.

Overkill is addictive and dilutes self-discipline. White space is a good stabilizer.

The Short Version

Set whatever goals you want for the coming year. It’s okay to do that, but make sure you use the two unconventional goals we’ve outlined here.

1. Attend to your process every day.

Make your primary goal self-improvement, whether that involves something related to self-care, work, a relationship, or a creative project.

The process is the key to getting results, but it’s also the way to develop yourself and use your gifts and assets.

Focusing on the process will help you with consistency, perseverance, and weathering ups and downs.

2. Set aside and schedule a daily time to create and use white space.

Taking time out to let your mind wander will bring new ideas and creative solutions to daily living and future aspirations, not to mention your goals.

It will also improve your efficiency and task completion. You’ll develop greater calm and the ability to be deliberate and focused in your actions.

The New Year is around the corner. I hope you have a great start to 2025.

That’s all for today!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by PeopleImages, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Most people would say “love.” A successful ongoing relationship that lasts requires love.

That’s true. It does. But not necessarily just romantic love. It requires real love that has staying power.

Yet, love like that can only develop and grow if there’s another factor.

And that factor is trust. Love can’t deepen where there isn’t trust.

So the question is, “How do you develop and maintain trust?”

Today, I’ll list the necessary elements for fostering and strengthening trust. If you can successfully employ these, you have a shot at real love.

What is Trust?

When it comes to relationships, the first thing most people jump to when thinking about trust is fidelity. It means not cheating and being loyal to your partner. That is undoubtedly an aspect of trust, but it’s much more than that.

Let’s start with loyalty.

1. Loyalty

Think for a moment about a relationship you’ve been in. It can be a romantic relationship, but it can also be a close friendship or family member.

Was the other person loyal? Were you?

Loyalty implies many things. But all of them can be captured by the phrase “non-betrayal.”

Being loyal to someone means not betraying them.

That can apply to fidelity, but it also applies to honoring your partner’s privacy and feelings.

It means maintaining confidentiality and not exposing things that are private or precious to them without permission.

However, this is challenging because we all talk about our partners to other people. If you’re married and close to your parents or siblings, you likely talk about your spouse with them.

There’s a fine line between talking to another person about your partner because you need help with something and divulging information you know your partner would be upset about if they knew.

Or worse, saying things that your partner would be hurt by if they heard them.

The same goes with your kids. If you tell your friends about a sensitive issue your teen’s having, and they tell their kids, pretty soon everyone knows, and your teen feels embarrassed and betrayed.

Betrayal is tricky, but if you’re cognizant of it when divulging information or talking about your partner, friends, or whomever, it’s easier to avoid betraying them.

That’s our first trust factor.

2. Commitment

The second factor is commitment.

Trust implies that you’re in it for the long haul.

That doesn’t mean you or the other person has a blank check to behave however you want.

It means you’re committed to the relationship and will do your best to work on and develop it.

You won’t jump ship when rough spots crop up, but you’ll put in your best effort to resolve them.

You’re dedicated to making the relationship better and better.

That requires prioritizing your relationship and investing the time, attention, and interest necessary to make it work.

3. Honesty

If you have kids, you’ve likely told them many times that you’ll lose trust in them if they lie to you. And if they tell you the truth, you’ll go easier on them than you would if they added lying to the infraction. I’ve emphasized that one many times myself.

Being honest and direct builds trust.

More than that, being honest also means divulging who you are.

You talk about how you feel and think about things, your struggles, and your dreams. You open up and share yourself. Relationships that last have that kind of daily exchange.

When you withhold yourself, you’re not exactly lying, but you’re omitting, which is a type of dishonesty.

Your partner needs to know what’s on your mind and how you feel.

Revealing yourself builds intimacy and understanding.

4. Acceptance

I’ve just told you to be honest and open, but you won’t feel comfortable doing that if you don’t think your partner will accept who you are.

Real trust comes when you can expose yourself and know that your partner respects you, feels for you, and champions you.

Trusting partners see your struggles and your assets, but they never use your deficits against you. They’re ready to help.

They have your best interest at heart and affectionately affirm who you are. And you can feel that.

5. Consistency

Something that happens often with couples is that they treat each other differently when around other people.

Your partner might be very accepting of you when you’re alone, but you go out with friends, and suddenly, they’re taking potshots at you in front of everyone. It’s all supposedly in jest, but it doesn’t feel that way.

Or they may become distant and ignore you while being more gregarious with other people. You feel a loss of connection.

Part of trust is knowing you can count on that connection regardless of whether you’re alone or with other people.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t ups and downs; sometimes, you feel more connected than at other times.

But overall, there’s trust that you are connected and committed to each other and will do all you can to avoid causing either of you to feel ostracized or hurt.

Consistency means you can count on the other person to act and behave consistently toward you in every circumstance and change of environment.

6. Willingness to Communicate

We’ve already mentioned being open and exposing yourself as a trust factor.

In addition, being willing to communicate is part of trust.

You will discuss issues that arise with each other and not withhold information that may cause the other person to feel confused or worried.

You’re both willing to hear the other person out without being afraid.

Fear can result from your inner desire not to expose yourself, which is something you have to work on. But it can also be in response to the other person’s reactivity.

If your partner tends to blow up and attack you, you’ll be afraid to say what’s on your mind.

Trust means making it safe for each other to express yourselves and be heard.

You want to know that you can tell your partner what’s bothering you and trust that they will do their best to understand and see it from your point of view—not necessarily agree with you, but consider how you see it.

People don’t generally think of trust as being involved in communication, but it is. Trust is an underpinning, and when you often dismiss what someone else says, thinks, and feels, trust erodes.

A willingness to communicate also means a willingness to listen with empathy and understanding. When solving problems, you’re looking for win-wins, not win-loses.

Can You Love Someone You Don’t Trust?

You can, but the depth of the love may be less intense, and your capacity to grow and deepen the relationship may be significantly impaired.

You might love from afar. Sometimes, you have a relative or good friend you love, but because of their problems and behavior, you can’t involve yourself intimately with them. Trust isn’t possible.

Love that develops over time and deepens happens within the framework of trust. Both grow and work together.

If you work diligently on building trust, you’ll improve all the other aspects of your relationship. It’s an excellent anchor to focus on because it strengthens love.

That’s all for today!

I hope you have very Happy Holidays!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by TerryJ, Courtesy of iStock Photo

Holidays sometimes bring on the “moody blues” and leave you in a funk. All that cheer and expectation is lovely unless you’re not feeling it. Not to mention, there’s a lot to do, which can be overwhelming.

How do you keep yourself emotionally balanced amidst all the hullabaloo?

My first suggestion is not to analyze it too deeply. Dredging up every possible reason you’re not feeling up to snuff probably won’t help you—not right now.

You can save that for quieter times when you have the energy to work on it, but for the next three to four weeks, let’s use a simple strategy to help out.

It’s called “Shift and Lift.” Here’s how it works.

The Shift

The “shift” involves redirecting your attention. There are four ways to accomplish this.

1. Start and finish something.

Select an activity that will engross you and give you a sense of accomplishment. You could do a small project that you enjoy and feel good about finishing. Make sure it’s simple and manageable. You don’t want to add stress.

2. Make your to-do list for the next several weeks.

Start with the whole list and then divide your tasks into each week. Be very specific and assign each task a particular day.

Having everything out of your head and on paper will help relieve the stress. If you can delegate anything to someone else, do it.

This list can cover everything you do, including on-the-job tasks, holiday-related tasks, and home tasks.

Shifting your focus to the big picture while organizing the details is relieving and will give you some momentum.

3. Put a stop to ruminations.

If you find yourself ruminating about a problem or issue, write it down.

Keep a “rumination list” handy for this purpose.

Once you write it out, let it go. When it comes up again, remind yourself that it’s on your rumination list, and you can attend to it later after the holidays.

Writing worries on a list to revisit when you can apply your thinking to them is a good way to stop the immediate overthinking.

You can use this strategy any time of year, not just during the holidays.

Another significant benefit is that jotting down the problem to work on later allows your subconscious mind to begin the process while focusing your attention on the present.

Ruminating only exaggerates your sense of helplessness and inflates the problem in your mind.

4. Take note of your distorted thoughts.

When you’re in a bad mood, it’s easy to exaggerate and catastrophize.

One negative thought begets the next one, and once you go down that rabbit hole, it’s hard to climb back out.

In particular, watch out for all-or-nothing thinking.

Moodiness causes you to narrow your view so that you have a skewed interpretation of what’s happening. And then you apply that interpretation to everything else.

Negativity narrows while positivity expands.

In other words, watch out for your inner Scrooge and put him in time-out.

Now for part two.

The Lift

Shifting is an exercise that neutralizes your dropping mood by blocking the path of the descent.

The “lift” swings you upwards by adding positivity. Not crazy, toxic positivity where you pretend everything is peachy, but using some strategies that will balance things out and energize you.

Here are six you can try.

Write a Gratitude List

Gratitude lists have power.

When you take the time to write out a list of things you’re thankful for, even small things, you automatically shift your outlook.

You can’t bemoan everything that’s not going well and focus on what’s going right simultaneously.

By writing the list, you engage your thinking mind and reinforce your thoughts through motor activity (writing) and visual feedback (seeing the words on the page).

The exercise itself produces a swing in the opposite direction.

To make it more powerful, use emoticons if you’re typing it. It’s fun and lifts you more! If you’re writing by hand, doodle pictures or symbols.

List ten things. That’s enough to shift your mindset.

Engage in Social Contact

When you’re in a blue mood and alone or isolated, you’re more likely to become increasingly pessimistic. You need to break up that pattern.

It’s hard to think your way out of it, so making social contact with someone is a quick and sure way to interrupt the downward trend.

Call a friend and chat. Make a date to have coffee with someone. Leave the house and go somewhere where there are people. Don’t sit and ruminate.

A change of environment and interaction with others will lift your mood.

Take a Walk Outside

Taking a walk expands and shifts your mind.

Research has shown that walking increases creativity.

There’s something about being outside and moving that suspends you from your current mood and circumstances and opens up new ideas.

Sometimes, you have insights or epiphanies while walking, and other times, you become energized to take some action you hadn’t previously thought of.

Aerobic exercise of any kind for at least thirty minutes raises your serotonin and dopamine levels, both of which are related to mood.

Walking is also helpful for reducing anxiety and overwhelm.

Engage in a Favorite Holiday Activity

Wrap presents and watch one of your favorite holiday movies. Pick something heartwarming.

If you like cooking, bake cookies or holiday bread.

Decorate. String lights everywhere.

Choose whatever you like that you know will lift your spirits.

Read a Good Novel

Fiction lifts you out of your current environment into an imaginary world. It also reduces stress.

A study conducted at Mindlab International at the University of Sussex in the UK found that reading for only six minutes can reduce stress levels by 68% – significantly more than taking a walk, listening to music, or having a cup of tea.

Dr. Lewis, a cognitive neuropsychologist who conducted the study, says this about reading:

“This is more than merely a distraction but an active engaging of the imagination as the words on the printed page stimulate your creativity and cause you to enter what is essentially an altered state of consciousness.”

So grab your favorite novel or author, and dive into a book. Not only will you get a reprieve from your current mood, but the effects are likely to last long after you stop reading.

Do Something for Someone Else

Charitable acts of any kind are a balm for the soul, especially when you need a lift.

It might be challenging to pull yourself out of a funk enough to attend to someone else, but it’s worth doing.

You don’t need to do something grand or far outside your usual environment. It can be as simple as driving your neighbor to pick up their car from the repair shop or making coffee for your partner when they get up in the morning.

Anything you do that smooths someone’s way can give you a lift.

It doesn’t matter if you get a big reaction or any reaction at all. Just knowing that you helped someone or gave them a small kindness can make you feel better.

Helping others takes you out of the narrow environment of rumination and self-indulgence.

Give it a try if you don’t do it already.

One Last Piece of Advice

Don’t wait for your mood to shift to eliminate the blues. Take action now, and your mood will change. It’s the horse before the cart.

Action forces you to widen your narrow mindset and opens it up to a larger, more positive narrative.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by primipil on iStock Photo

Today’s blog comes from a recent conversation with a young lady who was bemoaning the state of the world. The picture she presented was grim: wars, climate change, political upheaval, economic distress, and so on.

She felt her future was up in the air, literally and figuratively, and was second-guessing marriage, having children, or a career.

In her words, “The world is in chaos.” And she didn’t see it letting up any time soon, if ever.

This isn’t the first conversation I’ve had like this. I’ve heard similar complaints from people of all ages.

You may or may not agree with these characterizations, but that’s not today’s subject. What we’re addressing is how to deal with chaos.

Chaos can be global, as described above, but it can also come from personal experiences that upset your life. For example, a divorce or loss of a job. A sudden health issue. Death of a family member.

All these events can lead to both internal and external chaos and leave you on shaky ground.

How do you keep going when it feels like your environment is crumbling? How do you navigate chaos?

Let’s start.

1. Create order.

Create as much order in your immediate environment as you can.

For example:

1. Establish daily and weekly routines.
2. Make short-term goals and execute them.
3. Plan ahead and use to-do lists to track your activities.

Do whatever you can to create a sense of order that you can count on. Be flexible. Allow for minor upsets, but overall, stick to your routines.

Brad Stulberg, author of a book called ​Masters of Change​, calls these routines “daily and weekly anchors.” That’s an apt description.

Routines are soothing because you know what’s going to happen. You can automate them and take pleasure in accomplishing them.

Make sure that part of your routine includes self-care and something that makes you happy. For example, I get in bed and read fiction every night before turning out the lights. It’s a small pleasure I look forward to.

Include activities like that in your routines.

2. Focus on what you can control.

Identify the things you can control and put your energy into them. Each thing you accomplish will make you feel better.

Put the things you can’t control on the back burner or far into the background.

Everyone knows this one, but it’s not easy because your mind will likely continually flip to what you can’t control and ruminate about it.

When this happens, you’ll need to refocus and work on what you can manage. Any place you have individual agency, use it attentively and productively.

3. Give time to your relationships and social interactions.

Spend time with family and friends. Participate in social outings with people you enjoy.

These relationships are sources of meaning, belonging, empathy, and care.

It’s easy to become isolated when dealing with chaos or stress. When this happens, you may need to make more effort to be around people. Just make sure the people you choose are not sources of more negativity and fear.

It’s one thing to commiserate about your worries and disappointments – that’s validating. It’s another to focus primarily on what feels bleak.

4. Look for meaning and purpose.

You’ve seen pictures of a lotus flower floating on water, yes? It’s a metaphor. The pristine lotus floats atop murky, muddy water.

The symbolism is that out of chaos and darkness flows wisdom and light.

Applying that to our situation means transforming the negativity and foreboding of chaos into growth and wisdom.

It’s like watching someone declutter a messy room into perfect order, one item at a time.

The lotus idea comes from Buddhism. Viktor Frankl echoes this idea in his philosophy, ​tragic optimism​, which is a mindset you should adopt.

You can read about it in his book Man’s Search for Meaning. But for our purposes, a quick sketch will suffice:

Instead of descending into total negativity or embracing positive toxicity, take a middle road. Accept the chaos and negative experiences that come to you, but look for opportunities within them to find a deeper sense of meaning.

In doing so, you remain hopeful and optimistic but not unthinkingly.

Suffering of any kind provides an opportunity to learn something.

That doesn’t mean you aren’t traumatized by some experiences or that you would ever wish for suffering. It means you can learn and try to find meaning in it.

5. Avoid input that focuses only on the negative.

Watch out for the tank rolling over the terrain with guns shooting from all sides. That tank can come in the form of news, chronically negative people, town criers, and militant bugles blasting.

Toxic negativity is built on fear, catastrophic thinking, and what-ifs.

These can come from outside, like the tank rolling along, or from inside, like your worries, anxieties, and worst-case scenarios.

It’s always good to be informed so you can plan for your safety, but if you consume a steady diet of scary what-ifs, you’ll be sure the world is ending—either the whole world, your world, or both.

Watch your consumption and always ask yourself what the motivation is for the source that’s feeding you. Is it really to inform or to scare you?

Set boundaries on people or sources that are fearmongers.

6. Keep yourself active, but be discerning.

Chaos and stress can easily lead to burnout and depression, which dissipates your energy and leaves you feeling like you can’t do anything.

Don’t succumb, and don’t wait to feel better to do something.

Continue to be active, but be choosey about what you do. When you’re anxious, do things that calm you. When you’re feeling lazy, do something active that stimulates you.

As we’ve mentioned, keeping daily routines helps. Sometimes, working on a small project you can finish generates a better mood and some energy.

Do something social, get outside, or go on an errand where you’ll be around people.

7. Be your best self.

During ​stressful times​, it’s essential to live your values, be the person you want to be, act with conscience and integrity, and don’t succumb to unruly emotional reactivity.

It’s easy to become reactive when things are upside down rather than respond with thought. Take care to give yourself time to respond thoughtfully.

If you don’t meditate already, take at least ten minutes every day to sit and remind yourself of who you are, who you want to be, and how you want to meet the day’s challenges.

It helps to solidify your mindset in the morning before you begin. When you do that, you have an internal guide that stays with you all day and reminds you how you want to behave.

8. Embrace flexibility.

When times are rough, flexibility is crucial. Because no matter what you do, things will pop up and catch you off guard. Be ready to pivot.

If possible, embrace this value at all times. Flexibility doesn’t mean giving up your values but rather acclimating to the circumstances at hand. It makes life easier.

Last Note

It goes without saying, but I’m saying it anyway:

Take care of yourself. Sleep enough, eat well, exercise even if only ten minutes a day, meditate if possible, and find a small space every day for something you like.

Remember, all things pass.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara