Blog Short #228: How to Stop an Overtalker From Holding You Hostage
Photo by ImageegamI
Last week, I showed you how to handle someone interrupting you while you’re talking. This week, you’ll learn how to be an interrupter when someone talks too much.
Here are a few scenarios to remind you of what overtalking is:
You go to a meeting, and someone takes the floor and talks and talks and talks, leaving no room for anyone to interject. They do this at every meeting.
You’re walking down the hall at work and see a co-worker coming your way who regularly holds you hostage while she rattles on about nothing. She seems oblivious to your time.
You just got home, and the phone rings. You answer it because you’re waiting for a call from your partner. But it’s not your partner. It’s a friend who loves to bend your ear about all her problems. It feels impossible to get off the phone. Eventually, you do, but you’re angry and in a bad mood now.
Overtalkers often aren’t aware they’re doing it.
If you bring it to their attention, they may realize they’re rambling because others have pointed it out before. But while it’s happening, they may not be aware. Or, if they are aware, they can’t seem to stop themselves.
So why do they do it, and what can you do when it happens?
Let’s start with the whys because knowing them will help you use the strategies we’ll review to stop it.
The Whys
Most of the time, the overtalker’s intent is not to monopolize the conversation. They’re responding to an internal need. Possibilities are:
1. Loneliness and a Need to Connect
If someone lives alone and feels isolated, when they have the opportunity to talk to someone, they don’t want to let go. They’re starved for interaction, and talking temporarily relieves their isolation.
2. Masking Anxiety
If someone has chronic, ongoing anxiety, they may run off at the mouth without control.
I’ve talked to people who have this issue. They know it’s happening but can’t control it. They start talking, and their mind races. They hop from subject to subject and keep going until someone stops them.
It can be more subtle. You may not observe palpable anxiety, but you notice that there’s no space in the conversation, and the person is doing a monologue with no room for input.
People who have backgrounds of chaos, abuse, or chronic anxiety in their families may find themselves overtalking regularly. They may not be aware that they’re masking their anxiety by overtalking, but the habit is compulsive.
3. Insecurity and Need for Validation
Overtalkers may feel insecure around other people, which makes them anxious, and they talk too much.
To overcome their insecurity, they seek validation by getting someone to listen to them. This is an ongoing need, so even if they feel validated in one instance, that feeling doesn’t hold. So, they repetitively engage in overtalking.
4. Seeking Attention
Seeking attention goes along with feeling insecure, although it has its own particular flavor. Overtalking is a way of saying, “Look at me!” and “Keep looking!”
5. Narcissism
Narcissism can also be a motive, but in this case, the speaker believes that what they have to say is more important than what anyone else can add.
They feel entitled to monopolize conversations and enjoy having a captive audience. They like to hear themselves talk.
A good example is the CEO who demands that his staff listen to him and not interrupt until he gives them the go-ahead. Then, he proceeds to talk for an hour straight regardless of people showing signs of discomfort. If they try to leave, he’ll call them out in front of everyone.
What can you do?
First, understand that this person disrespects your time regardless of their reasons for behaving this way.
Their need to talk overrides any consideration of how it affects you and how much time they take away from you.
You have to know that in order to do something about it. This is especially true if you’re a people-pleaser.
Secondly, you must set a limit. There’s no other way.
You can avoid situations, devise excuses for why you need to go, or use body language you hope will give them hints that you want out.
But these methods are indirect and won’t save you because they’ll come after you again. You need to make it clear that you’re not okay with being held conversationally hostage.
Your goal is to advocate for yourself and express your needs. You want to let the overtalker know that they’re taking advantage of you.
You can do this with kindness and respect and without personal attack.
Here’s how to do it. I’m borrowing again from Jefferson Fisher, who wrote The Next Conversation.
Step 1 – Interrupt
Interrupt the person by using their name. We used the name technique last week when dealing with interruptions, and you will use the same technique here.
It works because people are tuned into their names, and when you say it, they stop what they’re doing and listen. It’s effective.
So say their name, and if necessary, say it again louder and louder until they stop talking and look at you attentively.
Barb, BARB (louder), BARB (louder yet)
Step 2 – Filter and Pass
If you’re in a meeting or this is a group conversation, even with just three people present, use what Jefferson calls the “filter and pass.”
Summarize what the person has said quickly, then pass it to someone else for input.
Hey, I completely understand where you’re coming from, but I’m curious about what Heather thinks. Heather, what do you have to say?
You can pass to yourself if you’re involved in a two-way conversation with no one else present. Say,
Barb, I get where you’re coming from, but I’d like to jump in here and say something.
Step 3 – End the Conversation
If that works and the conversation becomes a mutual exchange, you’re good to go.
Then, when it’s time to finish, you can say:
I need to get going in a few minutes. Let’s wrap up.
When someone overtalks, and you approach them this way, they often are not hurt by it. They appreciate that you brought it to their attention and helped them stop their runaway monologue, and they’re willing to step back a bit.
They feel more connected now because they’re part of a mutual conversation.
Overtalking is itself isolating, which is not what this person wants. By bringing it to their attention and setting a limit, you help them come back in.
Unless, of course, you’re dealing with a narcissist. They will not appreciate the interruption, but you need to stay firm.
Sometimes, you can directly say,
Hey, I want to hear what you have to say, but I want to participate in the conversation. I want to share my thoughts and respond.
This is a more direct approach and difficult for the overtalker to ignore.
If they won’t stop talking or honor your attempts to set a limit, opt out.
Say you need to leave. You don’t need to make an excuse. Just say, “It’s time for me to go,” or “I need to get going now,” which is true.
Jefferson makes a good point:
He says you should never apologize when setting a limit with an overtalker because you aren’t at fault and don’t want to give the impression that you think you are. That undermines your message and can be confusing.
Full Circle
We’ve come full circle now. We’ve talked about the chronic interrupter and the chronic overtalker. The methods are similar but not exactly alike. I hope you have some new tools to try out.
I highly recommend reading Jefferson Fisher’s book. You’ll enjoy it. You can also find him on YouTube. He has great videos that are short and informative. He does them all from his car, which is cool! You’ll like them!
That’s all for today.
Have a great week, as always!
All my best,
Barbara