Photo by nensuria

What is negative self-talk?

It’s a specific type of chatter that rattles on in your mind, usually involuntarily. If you’re able to stop it for a moment, it starts back up as soon as you relax. And most often, you have little to no control over it.

Here are three examples:

Why did I say that? What was I thinking? They’re going to think I’m nuts, and now everyone’s mad at me.

I’m going to feel so awkward the next time I’m around any of them. I’m sure they won’t want me there. What if I say something stupid again? I’ll be so embarrassed and never live it down. And I still have to see them at work every day. How can I?

How do I always get in this place? Can’t I control myself? I just rattle on without thinking and say such stupid stuff. I’m really a nutcase! I know that’s what people think, and they’re right! I’ve got nothing to offer.

Okay, let’s break this down a bit.

Three Types of Negative Chatter

The examples I just gave stem from a single incident. They illustrate the three types of negative self-talk we most often engage in.

This categorization comes from Ethan Kross, a psychologist and researcher who wrote the book Chatter. His three categories are:

1. Rumination
2. Worry
3. Self-Beratement

Rumination

Rumination is obsessing about the past. You did something, or something happened, and you keep going over it.

You get focused on every detail of your behavior or performance and second-guess what you did or said. You imagine people’s negative reactions to you.

You can’t let go of it and shift your focus to something else.

Rumination is repetitive and holds you emotionally hostage.

Worry

The second part of “chatter” is to worry about the future. This is where all the what-ifs live and thrive.

Now that I’ve done this thing, here are all the horrible repercussions that could happen in the future because of it.

A note here: Worry doesn’t necessarily always have to do with something you’ve done. As you well know, it can be about anything.

But the hallmark of it is to catastrophize about all the possible things that could go wrong.

And like rumination, worry is relentless and repetitive.

Self-Beratement

The last category is turning in on yourself with harsh criticism, beratement, and self-doubt.

This chatter is brutal and unforgiving. You create a picture of yourself that’s narrowed down to a single incident or behavior and see it as the whole.

You’re not someone who made a mistake; you are the mistake.

And like the other two categories of chatter, this one is an endless stream with no letting up.

So, what can you do to stop this assault?

If you read ​Chatter​, you’ll learn about all the possible methods of quieting and getting control over it, which I recommend.

For our purposes today, I will review six of the tools Dr. Kross prescribes. These tools are all backed by research, which surprised me but also delighted me, as the results are encouraging.

Here we go.

1. Say Your Name

I love this one because it requires minimal effort. It’s easy.

As you talk to yourself, move from first person to third person. Instead of saying, “I said something stupid,” say, “Barb (your name) said something stupid.”

When you do that, you get some automatic distance from both the incident and the emotions attached to it.

Secondly, use this strategy when you give yourself advice. When you offer advice to someone else, you tend to be more forgiving, encouraging, and positive in your approach.

If I say to myself, “Barb, don’t worry so much. It’ll be all right,” that has much more power than saying, “I shouldn’t worry so much.”

When you use the first-person “I,” you waver. You won’t believe what you’re saying. But when you address yourself by your name, what you say is more believable and reassuring.

The same goes when you give yourself a command like, “Barb, stop fretting. You’re exaggerating. Give it a rest.”

Something about your name calms your nervous system and slows down the fight or flight response your brain’s locked into. Research has shown this to be true.

2. Put Yourself in Some Green Space

Take a walk in nature, go to the park, or sit outside.

Research has shown that access to green space is calming. Nature draws us in involuntarily and captures our attention while reducing anxiety. It requires no work on our part.

If you’ve ever taken a break from work by walking outside for a while, you’ve had that experience. You hear the sounds of birds and experience the beauty of trees and flowers while feeling the warmth of the sun. It’s a sensory feast that captures your mind and releases your stress.

You won’t get the same effect walking in an urban area unless you’re in a park or similar setting with green space available.

Being in nature or green space interrupts the obsessiveness of negative chatter and opens your mind back up. Research has also shown that walking increases creativity and innovative thinking.

3. Create Order in Your Environment

Have you ever started cleaning your house or reorganizing your office when you’re anxious or upset about something?

There’s a reason you do this.

By creating order in your environment, you create mental order simultaneously.

This strategy is an outside-in approach that’s quite effective. You won’t stop thinking, but you’ll feel your body relaxing, your thoughts slowing, and your emotions settling.

This happens in part because you’re engaging your executive functions – focus, rational thinking, evaluation, flexibility, self-regulation, and general use of your cognitive skills.

“Our executive functions are the foundation of our ability to steer our thoughts and behavior in the ways we desire.” (Kross, P. 46).

Instead of actively wrestling with your thoughts, ordering your space does it for you.

4. Time-Travel

This one will be familiar to you.

When you feel stuck on something, travel forward in time – a month, a year, or ten years out. How will what you’re worrying about now impact you then? How much will it matter?

Conversely, look back at previous experiences you’ve had that seemed insurmountable at the time, but you managed them successfully.

Doing either of these things will help you put your current situation in perspective. You’ll have more faith in yourself to resolve your worries and subdue your emotions.

5. Journal it.

Spend 15 to 30 minutes writing out your deepest thoughts and feelings about your situation. Do this for several consecutive days if necessary.

Don’t edit. Just write.

Write from the perspective of a narrator so that you’re seeing your experience in story form.

Doing so gives you some distance from whatever’s got you in a chokehold and increases your compassion for yourself.

Using a narrative approach has the twofold effect of providing a different, more generous perspective on your negative interpretations while also reducing self-beratement.

6. Talk it out.

Talking with the right person can be of tremendous help, but the operative word here is “right.”

You need someone who’s empathic and able to validate your feelings, yet is not swept up by them and jumps on your bandwagon.

In other words, you need someone who is understanding and will listen carefully as you unload your woes, but when the time comes, can help you readjust your thinking more in line with what’s true.

You want someone who’s compassionate yet honest and has your best interests at heart.

Keep Going

These are my six favorite tools offered by Dr. Kross, but I’d encourage you to read his book and learn about the others. He describes 26 different tools and how to use them.

He also reminds us that we often need a combination of tools rather than relying on just one. It depends on the type of chatter you’re experiencing and what tools work best for you. It’s not a one-size-fits-all situation.

In the meantime, I hope that if you’re plagued by negative chatter, you’ll try some of the tools I’ve described in this article.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_{Note about the research: I didn’t cite individual studies for this article, as there are many of them. I recommend Chatter if you’re interested in learning more about the research conducted related to the tools mentioned in this article. The book is well-written, and the studies cited are interesting and eye-opening.}

Photo by MundusImages

I recently did some spring cleaning, but not the kind you’re thinking of. I didn’t tackle my house, garage, or office. I didn’t clean out my car. Not that those things don’t need attention; they do.

I worked on decluttering my habits, open loops, information consumption, and priorities.

I conducted an internal scouring because I was frustrated with some of my tendencies and unfinished projects. It was very helpful.

Sometimes you need to step back and carefully look and evaluate where you are. What changes do you need to make to streamline your life so you don’t whittle away your time and lose track of what’s important to you?

Conducting an internal spring cleaning is just the thing to help you do that.

I’ll tell you what I did to get you started. You might have different areas you want to tackle than mine, but you’ll get the gist of how to do it.

How to Start

You can begin in several ways:

1. You can list what’s most important to you to use as a measuring stick as you go through your decluttering process.
2. Another approach is to list the main areas of your life you want to tackle: finances, work, relationships, health, parenting, etc.
3. You can also start by acknowledging your accomplishments for the year thus far, which helps you define what’s left undone.
4. Or you can dive in with specific areas you want to streamline or declutter, and through that process, clarify what’s most important to you.

I chose the fourth option. I dove into areas I knew needed some decluttering.

After reviewing them carefully and deciding what needed changing, I gained a clearer picture of my priorities and made a list, which I’m going to hang on the wall in my home office to see daily.

Here are some areas I tackled that might resonate with you.

1. Open Loops

For this section, I compiled a list of all the unfinished projects and items that have been on my to-do list for a long time, but haven’t been completed.

It was rather eye-opening. I was aware of some of them because they whirl around in my head, but I didn’t realize just how many there actually were.

Many of them were easy fixes; I just needed to take action. Others are large projects that have been dragging on for a long time; in some cases, for years!

Just a few examples:

• Over 3 years working on an online course on communication
• Neglecting to schedule several necessary appointments to get some household things done. I had five of these.
• Finishing up my Will. The will itself is done, but I haven’t secured it in a sealed container and written the instructions to go with it.

These are just a few to give you some ideas of what you might have on your plate.

Open loops hang out in your subconscious, often surfacing in your conscious mind and swirling around, using up emotional energy.

You can feel overwhelmed without knowing why! What happens is that when you encounter daily stress, it piles up on top of these open loops that are already draining you.

2. Information Detox

I’m an information hound. I love to read, both fiction and nonfiction. I’m interested in national and world affairs. I love learning about history, science, psychology, and spirituality.

That’s all great, but information overload isn’t ideal.

To address this issue, I created a list of all the types of information I consume daily and weekly, along with the sources used.

By doing that, it wasn’t too hard to decide what to cut out.

1. I unsubscribed from things that were flooding my email inbox every day, some of which I never signed up for.
2. Significantly reduced my news intake and streamlined the sources I use.
3. Conducted a thorough digital declutter and set specific time limits on my social media usage.
4. Made a list of the books I wanted to read and prioritized them.

Overall, I increased my reading time and decreased my digital involvement.

When you do this type of decluttering, it’s good to be very specific and quantitative.

Instead of saying to yourself, “I’ll reduce my social media consumption,” say, “I’ll limit myself to 10 minutes per day on social media.”

Be clear so you can effectively schedule and stay mindful of whatever you decide. Otherwise, you’ll revert to your default.

3. Habits (Yikes!)

To make this exercise more palatable, I listed all my good habits first. That proved helpful, and I realized I have many good habits, which was satisfying.

After completing that, I listed the habits that need to be tweaked or eliminated.

Then I created an action plan and scheduled it.

For example, I’m a sucker for new ideas, courses, approaches, etc. In other words, shiny new objects. I buy them, start them, and often don’t finish or use them. I added it all up – time, money, distraction. Then I decided what to keep and finish, and limited any new materials for a significant amount of time.

You may have habits like this one or others that detract from your well-being or create new problems.

Overspending is a prime example of this. Addictive habits also fall under this umbrella.

Take an inventory:

What habits do you need to change or let go of?

4. Relationships/Social Interactions

There are many possible areas to review in this category.

• Are there relationship amends you need to make with anyone?
• Do you have any issues that need addressing? Difficult conversations you’ve been putting off?
• Are you happy with your behavior in your intimate relationships? Is it aligned with your values?
• Do you need more or less social contact? Are you too accessible or not accessible enough?

These questions will get you started.

Your thoughts about your relationships will depend on where you are in life and who you live and interact with.

After answering these questions for myself, I decided to spend more time with my siblings. We’re all getting older, and time is precious.

5. Environment

Your environment can pertain to your physical surroundings, such as your home, office, and neighborhood. It can also encompass your emotional and psychological environment. We’re assessing the latter one.

What is yours like? Is it comfortable, stressful, warm, overwhelming, tense, or inviting? How do you feel at home, at work, or with your family?

Secondly, what is your internal emotional environment? Are you experiencing depression, anxiety, or other emotions? If so, what steps can you take to address these? Do you need more social interaction? Do you require therapy?

Taking careful note of your emotional environment and objectively evaluating what you want to change is energizing. It helps you gain momentum.

You may also discover many things you appreciate but rarely take the time to consider because you’re so busy.

Now, What’s Most Important?

Doing this spring cleaning exercise is clarifying. You can’t do it without defining:

1. What’s most important to you?
2. What can you do without?

Now, take the next step and decide how to tackle it.

I always suggest one thing at a time.

For habits, choose one you don’t want and replace it with a better one. Then practice until it’s automated and easy. Then go after another one.

For projects, reduce what’s on your plate. Simplify and clarify, then single-mindedly focus your energy on what you want to achieve. Be sure to complete with a timeline and schedule.

If you cut out all the extra time-consuming activities that have been distracting you, you’ll have a head start on your projects and open loops.

Close those easy, small open loops right away so they stop siphoning off your energy.

Then move forward with your prioritized list and schedule. You’ll feel better and more in control of your life.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week! Happy decluttering!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Lina Trochez on Unsplash

Let me start by saying that I’m a fixer. What I’ll share with you today comes from both my professional and inside knowledge.

Being a fixer has many positives, which I’ll point out, but it can also be a compulsive habit with negative consequences.

Let’s start with some general characteristics of the fixer, and then I’ll pose some questions to you that will help distinguish between the healthy and unhealthy.

Positive Attributes of “The Fixer”

Fixers are can-do people. Here are some of their positive attributes.

1. They’re good managers. They quickly grasp the big picture and can efficiently attend to details within the scope of the overall goal.
2. Fixers are exceptional problem-solvers. They can manage their emotions while analyzing problems and organizing the steps needed to resolve them.
3. They keep their cool in emergencies.
4. They can multitask. They manage multiple tasks simultaneously while also prioritizing the optimal sequence of execution.
5. Fixers think creatively when needed and pursue new information when the path forward is unclear.
6. Fixers take pleasure in helping and feel gratified when alleviating someone’s discomfort.

Now let’s examine some guidelines to ensure your efforts to help and fix don’t become overzealous and lead to adverse outcomes. Use the following questions to assist you.

#1: Did the person you’re fixing something for ask you for help?

Sometimes, you decide to fix something without being asked because it’s helpful, and you sense that the person or persons involved will benefit if you offer a solution to what you perceive as their problem.

But sometimes this backfires, and your actions are not appreciated. Or the receptivity is mixed:

”Yeah, that was helpful, but I wanted to think about it myself more before acting on it.”

When you offer unsolicited solutions that aren’t well received, you’re feeding your insecurities more than genuinely providing help.

Make sure that the person you’re helping wants your assistance before diving in. Asking is the easiest way to determine that.

#2: Are you creating a bridge or building a moat?

The second issue is this:

Does your fix provide a bridge that helps someone get unstuck and continue moving forward, or does it create a moat that insulates them from responsibility and prevents them from solving their own problems?

Creating moats often occurs with adult children.

You feel like they’re just on the brink of success, or it seems to you, and if you can provide that little push by removing some obstacles, they’ll seize the opportunity and take the reins.

If that’s the case, then it’s a good fix.

But more often, you’ve repeatedly offered those fixes, and they never step up. They might start, do a little, and then fall back helplessly.

So there you are – the raft in the rapids that moves them to safety. For a little while. Until next time.

Make sure your fixes are bridges. When they are, the receiver not only appreciates the help, but they also use it to fly on their own.

#3: What message are you sending?

When you jump in and fix things without allowing others to wrestle with the problem, you’re saying,

“I’m not sure you can do it. I don’t have faith in you to figure it out.”

This doesn’t apply if your job involves fixing things or developing solutions. Maybe you work for a company, and that’s your job. In that case, your ability to “fix” is being utilized correctly and positively.

But not if you’re taking away someone’s opportunity to learn something or exercise their thinking brain to come up with solutions.

One option is to assist with thinking something through, but allowing the other person to do the actual problem-solving. That’s offering a bridge.

#4: Are you uncomfortable with someone’s suffering?

The answer will likely be yes, even if you don’t jump in with fixes.

It’s never easy to watch someone suffer or struggle, especially someone you love.

However, you must weigh the necessity of that struggle to foster learning against the temporary relief of lifting the feelings while leaving the original problem unresolved.

It isn’t about allowing someone to be distraught when you can alleviate it. Sometimes, you should do that because it’s in their best interest.

For example, if you know something the other person doesn’t know that could help solve a problem, you share it.

If my husband’s computer freezes and he can’t get back to the screen he was on, I’ll jump in and fix it because I know much more about computers than he does.

But if one of my friends chronically overspends and then suffers when she can’t pay her bills, I won’t keep bailing her out by lending money to alleviate her suffering.

Is the issue one that is self-imposed and requires behavior changes? If so, fixing it isn’t helpful. You must allow the person to experience sufficient discomfort to prompt a change.

Rescuing them won’t be beneficial in the long run. That means you also must acknowledge and accept your discomfort.

#5: Are you dealing with a boundary issue?

All the case scenarios we’ve just reviewed indicate boundary issues. We all know setting healthy boundaries is beneficial, but it’s not easy. That’s why we often struggle with them.

When I consider a boundary, the questions I always ask myself are:

1. Is it beneficial for the other person?
2. Is it beneficial for me?

A healthy boundary benefits both the giver and the receiver. While the receiver may not always perceive it that way, ultimately, it serves both parties.

Some boundaries are those you set for yourself.

Your need to fix, solve problems, and rescue is embedded in your personality, so you may be prone to stepping over boundaries or not establishing them when necessary.

It takes awareness and diligence to determine when boundaries are needed.

#6: Are you seeking validation?

Fixers can sometimes fall into the trap of using their problem-solving abilities to gain validation of their worth.

It’s easy to see how this occurs.

If you were identified in your family as a fixer while growing up, you likely assigned a significant portion of your self-worth to your ability to solve others’ problems.

Think about your family for a moment: Who’s the person that other family members turn to when they have a problem?

It may vary among family members for various types of issues, but one person usually receives most of the phone calls and requests for help.

If you’re that person, your identity and self-worth have been built around your fixer qualities.

As an adult, the problem arises when you’re unable to feel worthy unless you fix problems.

In your family, everyone expected it of you. However, in the adult world, not everyone shares these expectations, and some are not pleased when you step in without asking.

The issue lies in broadening your sense of self to feel worthy without the need to fix anything.

Where does this leave us?

Okay, you’ve answered all the questions and have a better handle on when to fix and when not, but you may still feel uneasy.

The key issue is to separate yourself from your ability to fix things. That means adjusting your identity.

Think of fixing as a valuable skill and talent. It’s something you’re good at and, when used properly, is a service that benefits others.

But you’re more than your ability to solve problems.

• What other needs might you be pursuing or side-stepping by fixing things?
• Do you need more love, more attention, more validation? Are you afraid of people not liking you?
• What might you be masking by fixing things?

When you consider these questions honestly, you can work on self-acceptance and appreciation while finding validation in healthier ways.

You can also accept that not everyone will always be pleased with you or like you. If they do, you’re probably not being authentic with yourself or them.

Channel your talent for fixing things into something that benefits you and others without becoming all-consuming. Your value greatly surpasses your ability to fix.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by BraunS

There is a lot of information available about how to improve a relationship, but not enough about what can damage one.

I’ve done a lot of couples counseling, and when I reflect on it, five harmful relationship habits stand out as destroyers. They cause irreparable damage, and I want to bring them to your attention.

Engaging in some of these habits can be easy without considering their long-term consequences. In some cases, couples believe they’re normal and acceptable and don’t recognize the damage that occurs until one day, the relationship ends.

I’ll start with one of my pet peeves.

1. Name-Calling and Cursing

When you think about “name-calling,” you might say, “Well, duh? Of course, that isn’t okay.”

Yet many couples engage in it regularly without thinking of it as name-calling.

“Hey, you’re being an a-hole right now!”

“Hey, b.. h! Stop it!”

Then there’s cursing:

“What the f.. k is wrong with you?”

Or worse, “F. . k you!” in the middle of an argument.

“Cut the s…. t!”

Horrible, yes? Yet some people say things like this all the time.

It happens more often in the heat of an argument, but not always. It can be a regular way of conversing without thinking about the effects it has.

Couples that talk to each other this way won’t last. And if they do stay together, they won’t like each other or be happy.

A good rule to have is:

No matter how angry or frustrated you might be with your partner (child, family member, or friend), never refer to them using a derogatory label, and never use curse words as a personal attack.

There’s a difference between cursing and hurling those words at someone to hurt them.

You might slip once or twice, and if you do, you can probably repair the damage, but any habitual use of cursing and name-calling will permanently damage your relationship. That also goes for relationships with your children, friends, and other family members.

Respect is a crucial requirement for relationships to survive and thrive.

2. Disinterest

When one partner focuses more on themselves while not showing interest in how the other partner is doing, the relationship becomes one-sided. Resentment builds, mutual caring suffers, and the balance of power teeters.

In good relationships, both partners have a strong interest in each other’s lives.

This includes what they’re interested in, what they do daily, how they’re feeling, what they’re struggling with, and their aspirations.

You’re best friends. You know each other well, but you continue learning more because you ask and show genuine interest.

All intimate relationships require this kind of mutual interest.

If you consistently ignore your partner’s feelings and wishes by not taking the time to ask about them and listen to what’s going on with them, they can begin to feel lonely. Worse, they can feel dismissed or uncared for.

A good practice is to check in daily with how your partner is – not just a cursory check-in, but allowing time and attention to get a complete picture.

In addition, spend some time weekly without time constraints to talk and be with each other and be fully present.

3. Emotional Distancing

Emotional distancing feels like disinterest, but it’s much deeper. You actively withhold yourself from your partner.

You’re aloof and emotionally unavailable. You don’t disclose much about yourself. You don’t share what’s happening inside of you – how you’re feeling, what you’re struggling with, and what’s occupying your thoughts.

You can sit in the same room with your spouse for hours and not say a word. You have your head inside your phone, you’re reading something, or you’re glued to the tube.

You don’t ask much about your partner or divulge much. Your partner feels like they’re living alone.

Emotional distancing and aloofness can kill a relationship.

You must be willing to be vulnerable and expose yourself to the other person; if you can’t, you need to find out why and work on it.

There are couples where both people are emotionally distant, yet they still cohabitate. But they’re not happy.

You can see them in restaurants, sitting across the table, looking anywhere but at each other. They eat in silence. There are no smiles, laughter, or connection. They look grim.

Be vulnerable to your partner. Share yourself with them so they feel close to you.

4. Dishonesty

Emotional distancing is dishonesty, but it’s not always meant to deceive.

The other kind of dishonesty is outright lying, omitting, betraying, and hiding things that, if known, would upset your partner.

Dishonesty impacts trust, which is required for a relationship to flourish and last. You must take it seriously.

If you’re in the habit of telling white lies to avoid conflicts, or you’re keeping information to yourself that you think would upset your partner, rethink it.

What’s the downside? What happens if you’re found out? How would that impact the level of trust in your relationship?

This type of lying is usually based on fear. If you’re afraid of your partner, then that’s something you need to deal with, either directly with them or through counseling.

Honesty also means addressing problems or issues that come up.

If you’re upset about something and don’t voice it, it simmers until it erupts, or you become indifferent over time.

Once people feel indifferent to each other, the relationship dies.

Approach problems as they surface. Don’t put it off.

5. Lack of Appreciation and Admiration

Couples that last like each other and let it be known. They show their appreciation verbally and nonverbally. They tell each other what they admire.

Showing appreciation and admiration increases feelings of love and closeness.

It’s very easy to focus on what gets on your nerves about each other, and you do need to deal with problematic issues. But if you don’t give equal or more time to show what you like about each other, your relationship won’t develop and grow.

If there’s much criticism flying back and forth, you run the risk of destroying the relationship.

A good habit is to say at least one thing you appreciate about your partner daily.

More is better in this case. Make sure you’re authentic and believe what you say. Add some affection, and you have a big win.

One Last Bit of Advice

Something that can happen with couples is that over time, they’re sometimes kinder, more attentive, and more interested in people other than their partners.

For example, you hear your wife talking to her friend on the phone, and she’s animated, asking lots of questions, laughing, and obviously enjoying the interchange. But you haven’t had that kind of interaction with her in a long time.

Or you go to a neighborhood cookout and your husband is super friendly with everyone and talking up a storm, but when you get home, he turns on the TV and is silent the rest of the night.

When you and your partner are around other people, you want to feel that you’re still connected while engaging with others.

Make sure that the people most important to you get the best of you.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Mindful Media

Stuck can mean many things: Stuck in a bad job, stuck in a dysfunctional relationship, or feeling bored, tired, and worn out. Maybe it’s being stuck in a repetitive cycle of failure.

It’s easy to give up and give in when you feel that way, but you won’t feel better doing that.

What I’ve found that helps in these instances is to remind myself of this reality:

You are always a work in progress that’s never done. There is no having arrived, and then staying there. Life is a series of steps forward and backward. If your forward steps outweigh backward ones, you grow. If you move backward more than forward, you can stagnate.

The way to keep growing is to cultivate an identity as a student of life and take advantage of everything that comes your way. Immerse yourself in the process.

1. Learn from every person you interact with, even those you don’t like or who deceive, betray, or take advantage of you.
2. Find the meaning in every experience you have.
3. Watch others and use their experiences and achievements to guide you.

If you decide to see yourself as a student, life begins to look very different. It’s wide open and full of possibilities and opportunities. Everyone and everything becomes a teacher.

Today, I’ll review five practices to help you become an excellent student. I’ll also review the obstacles that get in the way so you can be aware of them and not let them throw you off the path.

5 Practices to Help You Become a Student of Life

1. Look for the lessons in every experience.

Every experience you have has something to teach you, even the most minor ones.

It’s easy to become bitter, traumatized, or even bored. That’s true of both past and present experiences. The impact will depend on your interpretation of what happens (or happened).

As you remember experiences, you see them through your lens, which colors them. That doesn’t mean that something didn’t happen, but how you experienced it emotionally impacts how you remember and interpret it now.

Ask yourself these questions:

• What can I learn from this?
• Are any of my interpretations distorted?
• What insights can I gather about myself, others, and human nature?
• How can I use this experience to better my life?
• How has this experience clarified my values?
• Is there any silver lining I can take away?

Asking these questions and giving yourself time to ponder them will widen your perception of your experiences to gain insights you can use, while also letting go of emotions that keep you stuck.

2. Turn envy into admiration.

When you find yourself envious of someone, especially if it’s someone you’re around a lot, study that person.

Instead of resenting or feeling jealous of them, ask these questions:

• What are their values, and how do they live them?
• How do they interact socially?
• What kinds of practices or habits do they use that have helped them get to where they are?
• How did they obtain the skills they have?
• How long did it take?
• Am I getting the whole picture?

That last question is important because often, when you feel envious of someone, you see them one-dimensionally. In other words, you only look at a slice of their life, not the whole picture. It’s helpful to keep this in mind.

The point is to study what you admire and determine what you can learn to help you move your life forward. Then, apply the lessons you gain from your observations to your unique circumstances.

That doesn’t mean becoming just like them, but instead using the skills they possess to carve your own path and open up possibilities for yourself.

3. Transform your passion into a purpose.

If you have a strong interest in something or passionately enjoy doing something, pursue it by using it to serve others.

Jay Shetty explains this transformation as the shift from passion to purpose.

What you love to do represents the passion part. The purpose is to use it to help others. It can be something big or small, part of your vocation, or simply something you enjoy.

If you love organizing and decluttering spaces, you can assist your friends or family members with home projects and share your knowledge and innovative strategies. Alternatively, you could establish a business and become a professional organizer.

Take what you love and turn it into service. That transition from passion to purpose will fuel your growth.

4. Use every mistake for learning.

We waste many of our mistakes by critically turning them inward on ourselves or denying them. We’ve got some automatic defense system that says, “If you make a mistake, you’re a bad person.”

Therefore, you pretend it didn’t happen or beat yourself to death so that there’s not much left of you.

Mistakes are inevitable. Most learning comes when you’re struggling, not when things are easy and going well. So don’t deny them – use them.

Do it this way:

1. Give yourself a brief period to react, regret, or feel bad if the mistake is significant.
2. After that, study it and objectively look at how it happened, why it happened, and what you could have done differently given the same situation.
3. Make amends if needed.
4. Forgive yourself, let go, and move forward with your new knowledge.

5. Never think that you know everything.

No one knows it all, and no one is infallible. There is always something more you need to learn.

When you truly embrace that idea, you become curious and humble at the same time.

That doesn’t mean you don’t recognize your personal assets and value, but rather that you’re always open to new knowledge and are happy to learn from those who know more than you do.

Conversely, you also enjoy sharing your knowledge with people who need it.

You live on a continuum of growth, and you feel connected to those ahead of you, those behind you, and those around you.

Above all, be curious.

Curiosity changes the landscape of life because when you cultivate it, there’s always something interesting and emotionally satisfying to learn. We’re so busy trying to arrive that we wear ourselves out and still aren’t satisfied.

The Obstacles

Things that get in the way of developing a student-of-life mentality are as follows.

1. Wanting Things to Stay the Same or Be Like They Used to Be

The stronger your attachment to how things were, the more resistant you are to acknowledging how things are and embracing opportunities to make the most of that.

2. The Shoulds and Shouldn’ts

Life should be easier. You should get more accolades at work than your colleagues because you deserve it more. You shouldn’t have to work so hard to make ends meet. You shouldn’t have to go to a job you hate every day. And, above all, you should be happy!

Life is as it is, not as you think it should be. It’s what you do with it that matters.

By becoming a student, you learn to:

• Forge a path that suits and fulfills you.
• Communicate and engage in healthy relationships.
• Use your agency to create a life you love.
• Harness your intellect and emotions to move forward instead of being controlled by them and moving backward.

3. Leaning Toward the Negative

I won’t suggest you become a Pollyanna and pretend everything is fine. It’s not. However, viewing life primarily through a negative lens can hinder your growth.

Negative perceptions, negative interpretations, fear, lack of self-confidence, seeing yourself as different from others, oversensitivity, and narcissism can all prevent you from learning how to navigate the ups and downs of life better and appreciate the opportunities that come your way.

When your shutters are closed, you miss the rays of light that come through.

Putting it Together

If you’re aware of the obstacles blocking your view while cultivating the practices to widen your view, you’re growing. But you have to do both.

You can pursue one thing at a time or reduce one obstacle at a time, and it will open up the others. You just need to start.

Begin with a student’s mindset, and the rest will follow.

When learning is your prime activity, every moment has meaning.

That’s all for today.

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Alex Potemkin

Today, I’ve got two strategies for you that I use to successfully stay on top of procrastination.

One is Mel Robbins’s 5-Second Rule, and the other is my own 30-Minute Rule.

I’ll admit that I was skeptical when I first heard about the 5-second rule. So, I read Mel’s book about it and liked some of the research she cited. I decided to give it a try and was impressed with the results.

Both of these strategies used together can help you get over the hump of procrastination and bad habits while building your confidence and meeting your goals.

I’ll start with the 5-second rule.

What It Is and How It Works

The 5-Second Rule works like this:

When you need to do something and dread it or want to put it off, you slowly count backward 5-4-3-2-1. When you get to one, you get up and do it.

For example:

Let’s say you’ve been putting off doing laundry. It’s piled up, and you’re running out of clothes. You’re lazing on the couch, scrolling through social media, and in the background, your mind is nagging you about the laundry.

Finally, you make a decision; you’ve got to do it. You begin the countdown – 5-4-3-2-1. At 1, you immediately get up from the couch, go to the laundry room, and start sorting clothes. Before you know it, you have it under control and do it all.

Here’s a harder one. I used this one today.

I needed to write this blog, but resisted it for several days. That happens with writing sometimes because it requires a particular type of energy and mindset. I wasn’t in the mood.

However, I decided I had to do it today. So I started the countdown, and when I finished, I grabbed my computer, opened it, and began writing. Once I started, I was able to finish a first draft.

That’s the basic strategy. Now, let’s go through why it works.

The Mind Trap

When you procrastinate, you avoid doing something you need to do because you don’t want to do it.

You don’t feel like it.

You might ruminate about it and think of all the ways to get around it or put it off, but the reality is you don’t want to do it. And the more you come up with reasons why you can’t do it right now, the further you sink into your resistance. It feels insurmountable.

The real obstacle is your mind.

We’ve been taught all our lives to think things through. Thinking is a powerful tool, but it’s also a significant roadblock to taking action when your emotions pull you in another direction.

Antonio Damasio, a neuropsychologist, highlights the influence our emotions have when it comes to decision-making. He said,

We are not thinking machines. We are feeling machines that think.

If you don’t want to engage in something emotionally, your thinking brain can come up with all the reasons why you don’t need to do it.

This is the mind trap.

Stress Roadblocks

Stress also plays a major role in procrastination.

When you’re under stress, your emotions take a stronger hold on your decision-making capacity.

For example, if you’re stressed about money, or you’re having relationship problems, or your job is on the line or overwhelming, it’s more likely you’ll buckle when you have to do things that require emotional or physical energy. You’ll be more prone to distractions like binge-watching TV or endlessly scrolling through social media.

The problem is that the more you resist, the worse you feel, even though you find momentary distractions.

The distractions give you a brief respite and a dopamine shift, but the battle feels more uphill when you return to the problem or decision you need to make.

Your feelings will always lead you to resist what you don’t want to do.

You can’t stop that. Emotions arise whether you want them to or not. But you can always take action, and action is the only thing that will turn your resistance around and work for you.

The 5-second rule doesn’t care about how you feel. That’s the beauty of it. It goes straight to action.

The Key is Overcoming Hesitation

The key to the 5-second rule is that you catch yourself before you have a chance to hesitate.

Hesitation is the killer.

By taking action within 5 seconds, your mind doesn’t have time to call out the army and take you hostage. You move out of enemy range before they know you’re there.

By the time they get wind of your location, you’ve already engaged in activity and are out of reach.

Don’t hesitate. Decide what activity you need to take, do the countdown, and engage. Once you’ve started, you’re more likely to continue.

Two Other Points

One reason the 5-second rule works is that it counts down backward, creating an endpoint.

When you’re at 1, there’s no other place to go. If you count up 1-2-3-4-5, the endpoint is infinite. You could keep going, so it won’t have the same effect.

If you count backward from 10, you leave room for hesitation to set in. Some people count backward from 3 because it works better for them. I like starting at 5. It works perfectly for me. If it doesn’t work for you, find your sweet spot.

The second point is that using this strategy repeatedly builds your resistance to procrastination.

It becomes a habit that your brain embraces and automates. You are literally rewiring how you respond to avoidance and stress.

The 30-Minute Strategy

This second strategy is one I often use for all kinds of tasks, especially those I dread doing.

I divide the work into 30-minute segments, sometimes in a single day and sometimes over several days.

I’ve cleaned the garage this way and recently reorganized my office using this strategy. Knowing I only have to spend 30 minutes at a time makes me feel less resistant to starting and more consistent in finishing. If you have the energy and desire to do something all at once, it’s easy. You enjoy it.

But if it’s something you don’t want to do, the 30-minute approach works better. And when you get it done, you’re relieved and feel good! That’s the reward.

Other Benefits

These strategies not only help with overcoming procrastination but also help you tackle problems that feel overwhelming and seemingly have no immediate solutions.

If you read Mel’s book, she describes how she used the 5-second rule to get herself out of major debt, work on her marriage, and overcome excruciating anxiety.

When problems are big and you don’t know where to start, do one thing. That one thing might not have big results, but it moves you forward a little. Then you do another and another. Eventually, you can see a path, and you pick up momentum.

You can 5-4-3-2-1 your way through multiple small steps that lead you out of your stress ball.

It’s not magic, of course, but it is a viable approach to taking action, which is where we all tend to get stuck.

You can’t talk yourself out of your emotions, but you can act, which begins to clear the way to work them through.

We usually wait for motivation to arise before taking action, but when things are stressful, taking action comes before motivation and ultimately manufactures it.

You probably already know when you need to take action, but doing it is where you get stuck.

Try these two strategies and see if they work for you at that stuck place. They did for me.

Also, if you’re interested, read Mel’s book, ​The 5-Second Rule​. She provides many examples of how it’s worked for people in various situations, including her own. I hope you give it a whirl!

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by andresr

Has anything like this ever happened to you?

You come home from work, and it’s been a gut-wrenching day. You couldn’t finish a project on time due to many unexpected obstacles you’re still wrestling with. Your boss was upset about it and didn’t handle it well. A woman you supervise burst into your office in tears and informed you she’s quitting. And to top it off, you haven’t eaten all day because there was no time for lunch.

You plop down on the couch and begin telling your spouse about it. But before you get it all out, he tells you how he would have handled the situation and what you should do when you return tomorrow to smooth things over and get back on your boss’s good side.

You stop talking and feel yourself getting angry.

What’s the problem here?

The problem is that you needed someone to listen, empathize, and validate your feelings. You weren’t looking for advice. You might have wanted that later after having a chance to recover emotionally, but not right off the bat and not unsolicited.

This scenario is a common one, and today, I’ll show how to avoid it and what to do instead.

There are two parts to this: validation and problem-solving.

Validation

The first step when someone wants to talk something over with you is to validate their feelings and experience. Period!

You may not agree with their thoughts or interpretation of what happened, but you can validate that how they feel and see the situation is real to them.

To do that, begin with listening, not problem-solving.

Listening and problem-solving are two distinctly different activities with different goals.

Problem-solving will not be successful if you haven’t first laid the groundwork by making a solid connection with the other person based on validating where they are.

To validate effectively, three components are required as you listen.

They are acceptance, understanding, and empathy. Let’s go through them.

Acceptance

The first component is to accept the person’s version of what happened, their experience of it, and how they feel about it.

Don’t offer any advice at this point. Just listen.

Your job in this phase is to be fully present. Put down anything you were doing and turn your full attention to the person. Put away your phone, close your book, turn the TV off, and stop working.

Encourage the person to sit and roll out what’s on their mind. Don’t interrupt. Just be present and radiate a nonjudgmental, open attitude.

Understanding

The second goal is to get a complete picture of what happened.

You want to know the facts of the situation, the person’s interpretation of it, and its impact on them.

You get this information by asking questions after they’ve had time to talk.

Usually, when someone’s upset, they need some uninterrupted time to get all their thoughts and feelings out until they’ve expended backed-up emotions and are ready for questions.

You can usually tell when someone’s ready for some questions. You’ll feel that shift in the momentum, and you can ask questions to clarify what happened and what the person is feeling or upset about.

When done right, they’ll appreciate your interest in knowing more.

As you ask questions, you can validate how the person feels.

For example, if I tell you my boss yelled at me when he found out I couldn’t meet the deadline, you could ask what he said and how I felt about it. Am I worried about repercussions? What am I fantasizing will happen next?

Based on my answers, you could say, “I can see how you might feel that way, considering your boss’s tone and words.”

The idea is to get all the information you can without disputing anything, making judgments, or dispensing advice.

And in so doing, you validate how the person experienced the situation.

Empathy

Empathy is the part of validation that connects you and the other person.

Empathy has two parts. One is to feel the other person’s emotions as they express them.

If you’ve had similar experiences or something that made you feel the same way, you can remember and feel it with them. This is an emotional process.

In our example, you can feel how overwhelming it was to deal with an upset employee while reeling from being chastised by your boss for missing a deadline. And you can imagine going all day with no food and no break, and stress building in your body as panic sets in.

At the same time, you don’t want to get swept away by these feelings.

And you won’t when you’re also working at understanding what happened. This process is the second part of empathy.

It’s a cognitive process using your thinking brain. You’re investigating what happened and what the person’s interpretation was. You do that by asking questions and clarifying.

By pursuing these two processes simultaneously, you connect with the person emotionally while providing relief and strength as you seek to understand what happened.

Empathy validates feelings, while understanding helps the other person gain some distance from them. Both are relieving.

A caveat is that you don’t need to go along with behavior that you think was ill-advised or destructive. You can validate that someone acted the way they did based on how they felt at the time. You’re still validating feelings but not necessarily the behavior.

You should always validate feelings, including your own.

Never tell anyone they shouldn’t feel a particular way. Feelings come to us unbidden. How we handle them is where we can exert control.

Problem-Solving

If someone needs help to deal with something, they’ll usually ask for it. If they don’t ask for it, don’t offer it.

If you’re unsure, ask directly rather than try to figure it out.

Did you need me to listen only, or do you also want some help figuring out what to do?

However, timing is important. Don’t ask until you think the person feels validated and has had enough time to say everything.

You could add:

Have you had enough time to say everything you wanted to say before we work on how to fix it? I want to make sure you feel heard and not rushed.

That statement alone is soothing and builds trust.

Problem-solving is a cognitive process; you want to ensure the emotions are cooled and validated before switching gears.

If you try it too early, you’ll meet resistance, and the person will feel unheard, judged, or dismissed. They won’t hear what you have to say.

You must connect first on an emotional level before you problem-solve.

The Rule to Remember

When you’re not sure whether someone needs you to listen only or help solve a problem, ask upfront.

“Do you want me to listen only, or do you need some advice or help figuring out what to do?”

Even if they say they want help figuring it out, don’t rush in with advice. Spend ample time in the listening and validation phase until you fully understand the problem, how the person feels and experiences it, and what they’re worried about.

In other words, always validate before problem-solving.

Understanding and emotional validation create a connection between you and the speaker, and when that connection is in place, problem-solving will be much more effective.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by fizkes

Confidence isn’t something you have but something you build. One way to do that is to learn how to speak more assertively.

Today, I’m giving you eight ways to keep people leaning in, listening closely, and valuing what you have to say.

Practice these strategies and watch the transformation.

1. Be concise and direct.

Avoid hinting, circling around, or burying your gems beneath a flurry of unnecessary words. Take the direct route – the most concise and straightforward path to your point.

Instead of:

“I’m wondering if we might do something different this weekend, maybe like going for a hike or something like that.”

Say:

“I want to go on a hike this weekend. What do you think?”

When you’re concise and to the point, you sound confident. You also give the other person something solid to work with. They don’t have to guess what you’re saying or thinking. It requires less energy from them and builds trust at the same time.

The key idea is never to make people work to understand what you’re saying, including your thoughts and feelings. Make it easy.

2. Cut the fluff words.

These are all those extra words that fill up space and clutter the message.

Um, er, ah, well, hmm . . .

Keep your speech clean. It shouldn’t sound like a room with stuff littered all over the floor. You want a clean, clear path to the message without stumbling around.

Instead of:

“Well, um, there’s, um something I want to bring up. Hmm, not sure if you ahh want to hear it.”

By the time you get all that out, the other person’s starting to feel antsy and wary.

Say:

“I want to talk to you about something,” or, “There’s something I need to discuss with you.”

That leaves no doubt about what you want and what you’re asking of the other person.

When you skirt around it with filler words, it’s irritating and makes you sound weak.

You might be trying to soft-pedal what you want to say, but instead, you’re raising alarm signals.

3. Slow down.

When people become anxious, they tend to speed up their delivery. Words pour out faster and faster.

The faster you speak, the greater your chances of stumbling over your words, slurring, mispronouncing, losing your place, and saying things you didn’t mean to say.

A common myth is that fast speech reflects intelligence.

Not true. Fast speech requires the listener to expend more energy to keep up and follow your thoughts.

Slow down. There’s no hurry. Give yourself time to monitor what you’re saying and ensure your words reflect your intention.

If you’re feeling anxious, talking fast will make you more anxious and cause you to lose control of where you’re going.

Take a breath before you start talking, and again before important points you want to make. Be deliberate with your words.

4. Use pauses.

Pauses are your rabbit out of the hat. When you pause, three things happen:

1. You heighten the other person’s attention. They wait in anticipation of what’s coming next.
2. You reset the speed of the conversation.
3. You give yourself a moment to regroup.

Jefferson Fisher describes two types of pauses.

The first lasts between 1 and 4 seconds. This one is used to add emphasis to something you want to accentuate. It’s the punch line pause.

The second pause lasts for 5 to 10 seconds. This pause allows the other person to reflect on the impact of what they’ve said. It acts as a “mirror” and helps slow emotional reactivity or spotlight specific comments.

5. Avoid weak words.

Weak words and phrases sound wishy-washy and make you seem unsure of yourself.

Here are some of the most common ones:

• Just
• Sort of
• Kind of
• Like
• Maybe
• Actually
• Literally
• Basically
• Very
• So

Instead of:

“If I could just sort of take a little time to myself, basically do nothing for an hour, get really, totally comfortable, and maybe spend some time reading, or literally doing nothing, just sitting around . . .”

Has your mind gone numb yet?

Say:

“I need a day off to rest, read a book, and nap when I want to. That would be wonderful!”

The second statement is easy to assimilate and paints a picture you can see yourself stepping into and enjoying. The first statement sounds iffy and never-ending.

You might use these words more often in casual conversation, but leave them out when speaking professionally or writing or when you want to sound confident.

That goes for cliched phrases also, like:

• Barking up the wrong tree
• Water under the bridge
• Think outside the box
• Everything happens for a reason

You get the idea.

6. Stop apologizing.

“I don’t mean to bother you, but . . .”
“I’m sorry to have to say this . . .”
“I probably shouldn’t ask . . .”
“You’ll probably think this is a dumb question, but . . .”
“I know you’re busy, and I’m sorry to impose . . .”

When you need or want something, say it. Say it directly. Don’t beat around the bush, and don’t apologize for it.

If you’re worried someone doesn’t have time to talk to you or answer your question, ask them upfront about it.

“I’d need some help with this computer issue. Do you have time?”

If they don’t have the time, ask when they will. But don’t downplay what you need or want. You can be direct and considerate at the same time.

You don’t want to present yourself as less than.

A second, more subtle apology is to tag a tentative phrase at the end of your original statement.

“I was hoping to get a minute of your time sometime today to work on a computer problem I’m having. Does that make sense?”

“I hate when people want me to drop what I’m doing to talk to them, right? But could you spare some time for me today?”

When you make a statement and follow up with “Right?” or “Does that make sense?” you’re downplaying your worth.

Jefferson Fisher recommends asking, “What are your thoughts?” or “How does that sound?” as a follow-up. Those questions don’t conflict with your statement, and they invite connection and feedback.

These are more subtle differences but have a significant impact and are easy to fix.

7. Stay on task.

It’s okay to illustrate points for clarification, but avoid going off on tangents or telling long, involved stories that dilute the focus of your conversation.

Public speakers can use anecdotes to illustrate a point, as can writers, but if you’re being interviewed for a job or speaking in a meeting, it’s important to stay on task.

8. Pay attention to body language.

Body language counts for over half of someone’s impression of you. Use these guidelines:

1. Make direct eye contact, but not the whole time. You don’t want to stare. Do it when making important points or listening.
2. Use your arms and hands carefully. Gesticulating can enhance your message as long as you don’t overdo it.
3. Keep your posture upright. You can relax more in casual conversations, but maintain a strong posture when looking confident is your priority.
4. Face the person you’re talking to. Don’t stand or sit sideways. Turn directly toward the person.
5. Keep your expression open and relaxed. Confident people feel comfortable with who they are. That’s the feeling you want to cultivate.

Last Thing

Confident people are both relaxed and focused at the same time.

They talk less and spend more time listening and gauging the emotional temperature of the people they’re talking to before diving in.

Make your words count. Don’t overtalk. And, always consider the level of receptivity of your audience.

Most importantly, regardless of the subject or your relationship with the listener, maintain respect. Be sure your behavior aligns with your values regardless of whether the other person does the same.

You should feel good about your actions after every conversation. Your aim is for your behavior to reflect the person you aspire to be consistently.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

P. S. You might also enjoy How to Be Heard When You Talk

Photo by dtiberio

Being around someone who habitually throws condescending darts at you is bad for your mental health. It can shoot holes in your self-worth, make you feel weak, and leave you exhausted and moody.

The good news is that there’s a way to deal with it that maintains your self-worth while also making the other person think twice about trying it again.

I’ll show you how to do it in today’s blog.

Let’s begin with a definition.

Condescension

Condescension is a blanket term for any behavior that talks down to you.

It includes:

• Rudeness
• Belittling
• Patronizing
• Dismissiveness
• Name-calling
• Insults, even those disguised as jokes
• Contempt
• Sarcasm
• Personal attacks

The purpose is to make you feel inferior so the other person can feel superior.

It’s an insidious method of gaining power and control at your expense.

Why is someone condescending?

We mentioned power and control, and that’s part of it, but the underlying reasons are more psychological.

The most obvious reason is insecurity.

Someone who isn’t comfortable with who they are, who feels too vulnerable, and who is insecure tries to subdue those feelings by making someone else feel them. It’s an exercise in projection.

“Let me take my insecurity, negative feelings about myself, and vulnerability and hand them all off to you so I don’t have to feel them. Then I can feel better than you, and all those bad feelings disappear!”

Someone might do this occasionally when they’re not feeling up to par.

Yet, other people do it all the time because those feelings of insecurity are embedded in their psyches and have seeped into their identities.

People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, in particular, fall into this category. Underneath all their bravado and condescension lies a small, tenuous self that feels weak and unlovable.

What to Do When It Happens

Before we start, it helps to understand what happens to someone when they’re rude, belittling, patronizing, or condescending. I learned this from Jefferson Fisher.

He points out that they get a hit of dopamine.

I’d never thought of it that way, but it’s true. It’s arousing when someone attacks another person, regardless of how they do it.

They feel powerful. This sense of control and power stimulates the release of dopamine, which is the reward neurotransmitter in the brain.

You get a small hit of it every time you look at your phone, expecting to see something that will stimulate you.

It’s like being on a high momentarily. And when you’re on a high, you aren’t feeling low. You’re distracted from feeling weak and small.

But here’s the thing to remember:

The power of dopamine lies in the anticipation of reward, not so much the reward itself. That means that when someone insults you, their dopamine revs up in anticipation of your response.

If you take the bait and react by throwing an insult back or defending, they have their reward. They got you off balance and succeeded in making you react. They’re in control.

But what if you don’t give them that reaction? What happens then?

That’s the key to turning it around.

Let’s go through specific steps to take. I’ll divide these into two types of behavior with similar responses but with some minor differences. These come from Jefferson Fisher.

Scenario 1: Direct Attacks

These include all those blatant behaviors like insults, rudeness, belittling, name-calling, or contempt.

The common thread is the need to hurt or harm the other person.

Step 1: Take a long pause.

Be silent for a bit. Don’t respond in any way.

You can look directly at the person if you like, but even if you don’t, simply pausing your activity, movement, and speech is enough to diminish that dopamine hit.

You’re withholding the anticipated reward.

It makes the person uneasy and, in some cases, second-guess what they said or did.

Step 2: Repeat what they said very slowly and calmly.

You’ve disarmed them already with your silence.

Now, when you slowly repeat the words they said, you’re letting them know two things:

1. You heard every bit of it.
2. It’s not okay with you.

By reflecting it back and making the person sit with it, the dopamine continues to drop.

Step 3: Question the intent.

Ask the person what they were hoping to gain by saying what they said.

“What did you intend by saying that?”
“How were you expecting me to react?”
“Were you hoping to offend me or start a fight?”

When you question the intent, you shift the focus away from you and back to them.

That’s not what they had in mind. It makes them squirm a little and, hopefully, regret their words.

But even if that isn’t the case, you’ve set a boundary with those questions. You’ve made it clear that those behaviors aren’t going to fly with you.

If the person comes around and tells you what’s actually bothering them and apologizes for their behavior, you can have an honest discussion.

But if not, you can opt out and walk away. You’ve established the boundary, and it’s unlikely they’ll do it again.

If the same person repeats this behavior, you can meet that with silence, but don’t respond otherwise. Walk away after that. You don’t need to repeat the whole scenario.

Scenario 2: Indirect Attacks

This category includes back-handed compliments and condescending statements that are indirect.

“You did a good job on that report. I can’t believe it!”
“You lost some weight! How surprising!
“Wow! You finally got a boyfriend. Congrats!”

With back-handed compliments, you get a double message. One is a compliment, and the other is a dig.

Sometimes, it’s not easy to tell if there’s a dig in there, but the surefire way to know is that it leaves you feeling uneasy, insulted, or talked down to despite the compliment.

Genuine compliments make you feel good. They’re not ambiguous.

Here’s what to do.

Step 1: Ask the person to repeat what they said.

“Can you say that again? I’m not sure I got it all.”

When you do this, you alert them. They’re on shaky ground now.

Step 2: Next, call it out by questioning the intent.

“What were you trying to convey? I heard the compliment, which I appreciate, but I also heard a dig in there. Did you mean that?”

Then, wait for the response.

In many cases, the person will immediately say, “No, no, no – I didn’t mean that at all! “ Then, they’ll explain what they meant or reiterate the compliment. That’s fine. You can accept that.

But you’ve also set a boundary.

You can be sure that the next time, they’ll choose their words carefully. And if they did intend the dig, they won’t do it again.

One Other Response

When you encounter any of these situations, consider whether it’s worth your time and energy to respond.

Is this someone you want to have a relationship with or someone you have to work and get along with?

These questions can help you decide.

If the answer is no, then the best response is no response at all.

You can look the person in the eye, pause for a moment, and then turn around and leave, or you can simply ignore what was said and move on.

No response to a pointed attack or condescending remark zaps the dopamine hit and denies the offending person the reaction they were seeking. It also effectively sets a boundary.

The beauty of any of these strategies is that you shift the momentum of the interaction back toward the person who started it, leaving them to deal with the negative feelings they’re trying so hard to project.

The real point is, don’t allow someone to regularly talk down to you or try to make you feel small. You deserve better.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

P. S. You can read more about these strategies in Jefferson Fisher’s book, The Next Conversation.

Photo by ImageegamI

Last week, I showed you how to handle someone interrupting you while you’re talking. This week, you’ll learn how to be an interrupter when someone talks too much.

Here are a few scenarios to remind you of what overtalking is:

You go to a meeting, and someone takes the floor and talks and talks and talks, leaving no room for anyone to interject. They do this at every meeting.

You’re walking down the hall at work and see a co-worker coming your way who regularly holds you hostage while she rattles on about nothing. She seems oblivious to your time.

You just got home, and the phone rings. You answer it because you’re waiting for a call from your partner. But it’s not your partner. It’s a friend who loves to bend your ear about all her problems. It feels impossible to get off the phone. Eventually, you do, but you’re angry and in a bad mood now.

Overtalkers often aren’t aware they’re doing it.

If you bring it to their attention, they may realize they’re rambling because others have pointed it out before. But while it’s happening, they may not be aware. Or, if they are aware, they can’t seem to stop themselves.

So why do they do it, and what can you do when it happens?

Let’s start with the whys because knowing them will help you use the strategies we’ll review to stop it.

The Whys

Most of the time, the overtalker’s intent is not to monopolize the conversation. They’re responding to an internal need. Possibilities are:

1. Loneliness and a Need to Connect

If someone lives alone and feels isolated, when they have the opportunity to talk to someone, they don’t want to let go. They’re starved for interaction, and talking temporarily relieves their isolation.

2. Masking Anxiety

If someone has chronic, ongoing anxiety, they may run off at the mouth without control.

I’ve talked to people who have this issue. They know it’s happening but can’t control it. They start talking, and their mind races. They hop from subject to subject and keep going until someone stops them.

It can be more subtle. You may not observe palpable anxiety, but you notice that there’s no space in the conversation, and the person is doing a monologue with no room for input.

People who have backgrounds of chaos, abuse, or chronic anxiety in their families may find themselves overtalking regularly. They may not be aware that they’re masking their anxiety by overtalking, but the habit is compulsive.

3. Insecurity and Need for Validation

Overtalkers may feel insecure around other people, which makes them anxious, and they talk too much.

To overcome their insecurity, they seek validation by getting someone to listen to them. This is an ongoing need, so even if they feel validated in one instance, that feeling doesn’t hold. So, they repetitively engage in overtalking.

4. Seeking Attention

Seeking attention goes along with feeling insecure, although it has its own particular flavor. Overtalking is a way of saying, “Look at me!” and “Keep looking!”

5. Narcissism

Narcissism can also be a motive, but in this case, the speaker believes that what they have to say is more important than what anyone else can add.

They feel entitled to monopolize conversations and enjoy having a captive audience. They like to hear themselves talk.

A good example is the CEO who demands that his staff listen to him and not interrupt until he gives them the go-ahead. Then, he proceeds to talk for an hour straight regardless of people showing signs of discomfort. If they try to leave, he’ll call them out in front of everyone.

What can you do?

First, understand that this person disrespects your time regardless of their reasons for behaving this way.

Their need to talk overrides any consideration of how it affects you and how much time they take away from you.

You have to know that in order to do something about it. This is especially true if you’re a people-pleaser.

Secondly, you must set a limit. There’s no other way.

You can avoid situations, devise excuses for why you need to go, or use body language you hope will give them hints that you want out.

But these methods are indirect and won’t save you because they’ll come after you again. You need to make it clear that you’re not okay with being held conversationally hostage.

Your goal is to advocate for yourself and express your needs. You want to let the overtalker know that they’re taking advantage of you.

You can do this with kindness and respect and without personal attack.

Here’s how to do it. I’m borrowing again from Jefferson Fisher, who wrote The Next Conversation.

Step 1 – Interrupt

Interrupt the person by using their name. We used the name technique last week when dealing with interruptions, and you will use the same technique here.

It works because people are tuned into their names, and when you say it, they stop what they’re doing and listen. It’s effective.

So say their name, and if necessary, say it again louder and louder until they stop talking and look at you attentively.

Barb, BARB (louder), BARB (louder yet)

Step 2 – Filter and Pass

If you’re in a meeting or this is a group conversation, even with just three people present, use what Jefferson calls the “filter and pass.”

Summarize what the person has said quickly, then pass it to someone else for input.

Hey, I completely understand where you’re coming from, but I’m curious about what Heather thinks. Heather, what do you have to say?

You can pass to yourself if you’re involved in a two-way conversation with no one else present. Say,

Barb, I get where you’re coming from, but I’d like to jump in here and say something.

Step 3 – End the Conversation

If that works and the conversation becomes a mutual exchange, you’re good to go.

Then, when it’s time to finish, you can say:

I need to get going in a few minutes. Let’s wrap up.

When someone overtalks, and you approach them this way, they often are not hurt by it. They appreciate that you brought it to their attention and helped them stop their runaway monologue, and they’re willing to step back a bit.

They feel more connected now because they’re part of a mutual conversation.

Overtalking is itself isolating, which is not what this person wants. By bringing it to their attention and setting a limit, you help them come back in.

Unless, of course, you’re dealing with a narcissist. They will not appreciate the interruption, but you need to stay firm.

Sometimes, you can directly say,

Hey, I want to hear what you have to say, but I want to participate in the conversation. I want to share my thoughts and respond.

This is a more direct approach and difficult for the overtalker to ignore.

If they won’t stop talking or honor your attempts to set a limit, opt out.

Say you need to leave. You don’t need to make an excuse. Just say, “It’s time for me to go,” or “I need to get going now,” which is true.

Jefferson makes a good point:

He says you should never apologize when setting a limit with an overtalker because you aren’t at fault and don’t want to give the impression that you think you are. That undermines your message and can be confusing.

Full Circle

We’ve come full circle now. We’ve talked about the chronic interrupter and the chronic overtalker. The methods are similar but not exactly alike. I hope you have some new tools to try out.

I highly recommend reading Jefferson Fisher’s book. You’ll enjoy it. You can also find him on YouTube. He has great videos that are short and informative. He does them all from his car, which is cool! You’ll like them!

That’s all for today.

Have a great week, as always!

All my best,

Barbara