Blog Short #254: The Three Psychological Needs That Make or Break Every Relationship
Photo by Christian Kielberg on Unsplash
What do you need to feel valued?
That’s a broad question, for sure, and there are likely many things that fit your individual needs, but there are three must-haves built into our DNA. I’ll outline them in this article and give you some ways to incorporate them into your relationships.
The first one is a ground-floor requirement.
The Need to Feel Visible
Everyone needs to feel visible. It’s part of feeling worthy, feeling as though you matter, and being a part of humanity.
Over years of providing psychotherapy, I recognized that an essential part of the therapeutic process is to be a witness to someone else’s life, including their thoughts, feelings, experiences, ideas, needs, and obstacles.
Having someone listen to you with they’re full attention and concern is uplifting because it affirms your existence and value.
We all need a witness. That’s part of what we get from our relationships. When someone acknowledges you – acknowledges your life – you feel seen.
Invisibility is like a kind of death. It brings isolation, a feeling of not belonging, and eventually leads to depression.
One of the harshest punishments we levy on people in prison is to lock them up in solitary confinement for long periods of time.
The same applies to animals in captivity. They start to go crazy after a while. Literally, it can produce psychosis at some point.
We need each other. Our brains are set up that way. We need someone to witness our existence, even if it’s from afar.
We need to feel visible. It’s a necessary form of validation.
How to Use This:
Fortunately, witnessing and visibility go hand in hand. You get both for the price of one.
If you intentionally and thoughtfully show up for someone by acknowledging them and showing interest in their thoughts, feelings, and stories, you make them feel seen. Conversely, by being that witness, you also become visible.
Relationships characterized by mutual interest and acknowledgement are more likely to last and flourish.
However, there are some caveats. That brings us to the next item.
Confirmation of Worth
Witnessing is the first step, but it must include acceptance and affirmation to be beneficial.
You can be a witness to someone’s weaknesses through criticism and judgment, and call that witnessing. It is acknowledging someone’s existence, but only partially and without acceptance. And it’s damaging.
So, witnessing must include confirming someone’s worth. And that’s done by accepting the whole person, not just their individual assets.
It’s a strengths-based approach, which means you observe all the various aspects of someone’s personality and presentation but focus most on their strengths.
This is tricky because true acceptance doesn’t exclude any part of a person, even their imperfect parts.
But it can be achieved while helping someone recognize their worth and encouraging them to express their strengths to the fullest.
If you were practicing this with your partner, one of your kids, or even a friend, you would focus on the assets this person has by acknowledging them with appreciation and love.
You would still see the whole person, including areas that need improvement, but your primary focus would be to validate who they are and show your admiration for what they bring to the table.
And now for the third and last requirement.
Kindness and Empathy
To confirm someone’s worth successfully, kindness and empathy are necessary.
Empathy is the way to understand and accept someone’s feelings and reactions to life’s circumstances, and kindness is the act of offering help and healing during difficult times.
Kindness can be as simple as providing assistance or showing positive regard.
To be truly kind, you have to be interested in the other person’s feelings. Kindness says, without saying it, “You matter. You’re deserving of basic respect.”
Kindness rises above pettiness, elitism, discrimination, and hierarchical thinking. It equalizes us.
You can be kind to anyone at any time. That’s one aspect of it that makes it so powerful—it’s handy. We can use it often and easily.
You can be kind to people you don’t know, to people you have occasional contact with, and to people you see every day.
It’s a universal language that everyone understands when they’re on the receiving end.
How to Build These Practices
Now, let’s put together some practical tips you can use in your relationships to apply these ideas.
Witnessing
For people you see every day (such as your partner, family members, or children), set aside some time to find out how they are, what happened during the day, and how they felt.
This shouldn’t be a rote conversation like “How was your day?” They say, “It was fine. No problems.” And you say, “That’s great!” End of conversation.
This interaction should be an in-depth conversation where you ask questions and show interest in how this person really is. Not just what they encountered today, but how it affected them emotionally.
You need to be fully present, empathetic, and accessible.
Sometimes, all someone needs to feel visible is just to be heard. To feel like someone else is there who cares about them and has their back.
For people you see less often, you can still give that kind of full attention and interest that makes them feel heard and provides a sense of belonging. That’s the goal.
Confirmation of Worth
As you have conversations or interact with people, lean toward assets. Notice their strengths and comment on them.
You don’t have to fawn over people, and you shouldn’t do that, especially when you’re using that as a means of getting something you want. But you can authentically appreciate someone’s talents and gifts by saying so.
A soothing and enriching conversation you can engage in with your partner is to identify each other’s strengths and how they work together to benefit both of you.
It helps you each appreciate what you have together and what you each provide that makes you successful as a couple.
We usually focus on the negative. But if you intentionally have these kinds of conversations and exchanges, you discover that the things that bother you about each other become less important. And in the process, you both feel validated and valued.
Kindness and Empathy
Kindness is easy if you focus on it. It’s fun to practice getting better at it. Try these things:
- Make eye contact and smile at people when out in public. It doesn’t need to be a lengthy contact. Just a quick acknowledgement with a genuine smile has the right impact.
- When someone’s talking about something they’re upset about, don’t counteract with advice. Listen quietly with full attention, and empathize with their feelings. Just that and nothing more, unless they ask for it.
- Help someone without being asked. It can be anything. Offering help with dropping off a car for repair. Helping unload the groceries. Making coffee. Anything small will do. Be sure to do it cheerfully and without any expectations.
- Help someone when they ask. Willingly and with a smile.
Empathy requires a deeper level of engagement.
To be empathetic, you must take time to understand where someone is emotionally and how they are perceiving a situation. What story are they telling themselves, and how do they feel about it?
You need to listen, ask questions, and get a complete understanding of where they’re at without showing pity.
Real empathy is genuine. There’s no need to one-up. You listen with both your heart and your mind, and reflect back what you believe is being said.
Remember that when you feel like someone understands and gets you, you feel heard, seen, and appreciated.
That’s what you should aim for when practicing empathy.
I hope you got something today to help your relationships thrive and grow, as well as understand what you need in a relationship.
That’s all for today.
Have a great week!
All my best,
Barbara