Blog Short #252: How to Stop Gaslighting Yourself
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You’ve heard of gaslighting, and surely have been on the receiving end of it at some time or other.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where someone attempts to undermine your view of reality through manipulation. In other words, make you think that what you perceive to be real isn’t.
The term “gaslighting” comes from a 1944 movie called Gaslight, in which a husband tries to convince his wife that she’s imagining things that aren’t real, even though they are.
Self-gaslighting is turning the tables on yourself and denying your perceptions and feelings, even though you know better.
We all do this sometimes, but for some people, self-gaslighting is a regular practice, often tied to trauma.
Let’s start with what it looks like.
Examples of Self-Gaslighting
Your wife excessively berates and attacks you about something, and although your feelings are hurt, you shrug it off and tell yourself you’re too sensitive and that she didn’t really mean what she said.
Even though you know that your boss has been gunning for you lately, you decide it must all be in your head.
Your friend takes advantage of you regularly and often shows up late when you have plans together, but instead of complaining, you decide you’re too needy and should be happy that you have a friend.
In each of these cases, you minimize your feelings and perceptions. In effect, you distort reality and turn the tables against yourself by portraying yourself as the problem.
Why It Happens
This type of behavior is common in abusive relationships.
The abuser gaslights their partner, and then the partner gaslights themselves using the same faulty rationale.
The purpose is usually to keep the peace and prevent further abuse or conflict.
However, sometimes people gaslight themselves without any prompting from someone else, and in those cases, it often has its roots in previous experiences.
For example, if you were raised in a family where expressing negative feelings was taboo, and your feelings were often minimized, you might do the same to yourself as an adult. You always put on a happy face regardless of how you truly feel. And if you don’t, you feel guilty.
Your goal here is to avoid the feeling of disapproval you’ve internalized from your family. It makes you feel bad about yourself when you go against the grain.
Self-Gaslighting and Trauma
Habitual self-gaslighting is often related to trauma.
Trauma in this sense isn’t always some horrific experience, but can be a more subtle and lengthy molding of your behavior over time. It generally comes from your upbringing in your family of origin.
Suppose you experienced a lot of dissonance while growing up between how you perceived yourself and what was acceptable to the adults in your family.
You end up with a split sense of yourself – the one that’s acceptable and the one that isn’t.
Being your authentic self can feel uncomfortable when it doesn’t match the model your parents expected you to follow.
To navigate the dissonance, you learn to subdue that part of yourself, and if needed, disown it.
The method for doing that is to self-gaslight; to tell yourself that those parts of you that are unacceptable aren’t okay, and when they pop up, you minimize or repress them.
Some situations are very obvious. For example, if you have a volatile parent, you might have learned to mirror their gaslighting by appeasing, excusing, and explaining away their bad behavior, and making up for things you didn’t do.
All of these actions are survival techniques in an abusive environment.
The problem is that as an adult, you perpetuate the behavior by becoming your own abuser. You undermine yourself, dismiss and invalidate your feelings, and blame yourself when it’s not your fault.
Additionally, if the trauma was prolonged and occurred during your formative years, you’ll keep attracting partners who will repeat that trauma.
It’s not a conscious choice. It happens despite your desire to do otherwise.
How to Fix It
A little self-gaslighting isn’t hard to fix once you see it. You can catch yourself when you do it and correct it on the spot.
But for most of us who grew up in situations like those just described, it takes time and concerted effort.
The first step is seeing it.
That step alone might be difficult because self-gaslighting tends to ignore and undermine what’s real. You think to yourself, “I’m making a mountain out of a molehill! Knock it off!”
And that, of course, is more self-gaslighting.
To stop self-gaslighting, you need to accomplish several things:
- Allow your genuine thoughts and feelings to emerge without judgment and accept them as they are.
- Diminish the authority of the voices from whom you learned to gaslight.
Both parts of this process are necessary and work together.
As you become more comfortable validating your genuine feelings and exploring your perceptions openly, you begin to recognize the voices and who they belong to without fear.
In other words, they lose their power over you, and you feel safe from them.
Gaslighters are bullies. They bully with muscle, words, and sometimes honey. But either way, they’re bullies. When you call their bluff, they lose their power and generally back down.
Part of the process is confronting the bully in your head that was born of your trauma or early experiences. Let’s talk about how to approach this.
The Journaling Process
Journaling is one of the best ways to uncover your self-gaslighting behaviors while also identifying your true thoughts and feelings. Seeing it on paper clarifies things in a way that surpasses talking.
Here are some journal prompts you can try:
1. How do I really feel about ____?
Use this question repeatedly, both now and when reviewing past situations. Make it a habit so that it becomes an automatic practice you don’t have to consciously work at. It will stop you from suppressing your emotions.
2. How have I used self-gaslighting in the past to survive my circumstances?
This prompt will help you understand how and why the habit developed, as well as who was involved. How was this behavior adaptive to protect you earlier in your life, but is not adaptive as an adult?
Self-gaslighting was originally an attempt to cope with a situation where you didn’t hold the power to do otherwise, which was necessary at the time.
What if you had an alcoholic father who was physically and emotionally abusive when drunk? You would quickly learn how to appease him to avoid the abuse, and in the process, suppress any other feelings you might have besides fear and a need to stay safe.
However, as an adult, you might use these same strategies anytime someone is slightly angry or perturbed, even though there is no real danger.
You need to sort through those adaptive strategies and identify which ones no longer serve you.
3. How am I harming myself with self-gaslighting?
Write down the specific behaviors, phrases, habits, and practices you engage in that are not in your best interest. What can you replace them with now?
4. How am I feeling about myself as I do these exercises?
This step is crucial because it helps identify automatic self-gaslighting that might go unnoticed. Recognize it, observe it, and replace it with self-compassion.
Therapy
You can do the journaling process on your own, but if you need help with it, therapy can be a good option.
Being able to process what you journal with someone who can help you see things from a broader perspective is a good idea.
A skilled therapist with experience can offer insights that you might overlook on your own and help you work through obstacles that are holding you back.
The Turning Point
A noticeable shift that signifies a turning point is when you no longer find yourself attracted to or engaged with people who gaslight you.
Not only do you stop doing it to yourself, but you also don’t knowingly or unknowingly get involved with people who don’t validate your worth and accept you for who you are.
It may take time, but it’s worth the pursuit.
That’s all for today.
Have a great week!
All my best,
Barbara