Blog Short #249: How Tolerant Should You Be?
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Every day, you make decisions about what you will tolerate and what you won’t. Do you give it much thought?
Some choices are automatic, but others are not so easy. Having some guidelines helps, which I’ll share with you today.
But, before we dive into that, let’s back up and look at the pros and cons of being tolerant. Then the guidelines will make more sense.
The Pros
There are three pros worth considering. They are:
- Making good use of diversity
- Enhancing personal growth
- Expanding emotional intelligence
Let’s take them one at a time.
Making Good Use of Diversity
Diversity is a hot topic in our country right now, but we’re not going to delve into its political aspects.
For our purposes, diversity is a broad concept that means looking at the whole, rather than just the parts. It’s inclusive.
If you look at a rainbow, you see the many colors that the prism produces. The rainbow includes them all, and its beauty is partly due to that variation within the whole.
Similarly, diversity means looking at all the options in a situation and being inquisitive about different approaches, aspects, and ideas. It favors variety.
For example, when you travel somewhere, there are usually several routes you can take.
You might choose the straight route on a highway that gets you there faster with fewer twists and turns.
Or, you could opt for a winding route that passes through the countryside, so you can enjoy the scenery and have a chance to relax and think. It’s less stressful.
Both options have benefits, but one is likely to appeal to you more than the other.
That’s a simple example of diversity. You won’t object to either of those, but you’ll pick the one that works best for your needs.
Diversity related to different points of view or cultural practices and norms is more challenging.
However, the pros of considering other views outside of your own are that you have the opportunity to explore new ways of thinking.
Exposure to novel ideas can expand your mind and increase your knowledge base. In other words, you can grow.
Enhancing Personal Growth
One thing that inhibits growth is our natural fear of the unknown. It’s part of our survival instincts, which we’re born with.
Our early ancestors had to be able to quickly assess potential threats when confronted with unfamiliar situations or people. This is where the concept of being afraid of strangers originates.
If you understand this concept, you can see how it also plays into a fear of diversity.
The instinct to say no before saying yes is part of this inborn fear of the unfamiliar.
It’s not necessarily negative, but it can inhibit an openness to learning and accepting that there is more than one approach to things.
Growth is an ongoing, exploratory process. It requires consideration of the many colors of the rainbow.
That doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything you hear. It means you recognize that there is more than one way of looking at something, just like there’s more than one route to a destination.
Expanding Emotional Intelligence
That brings us to emotional intelligence and its role in tolerance.
Part of emotional intelligence is being able to recognize your own fears, biases, and judgments without acting on them. Another is expressing empathy and having awareness of others’ feelings.
Both of these assist you in regulating your emotions, which come into play when dealing with diverse opinions and perspectives.
You might ask questions to help clarify a position or even challenge it, but you can conduct yourself in a manner that preserves the humanity of both you and the other person.
A good method is to lead with curiosity. Instead of jumping into a debate, ask questions like:
- How did you come to that conclusion?
- What information are you basing it on?
- What’s been your experience?
All of these demonstrate a genuine interest in understanding the other person, which creates a connection.
It doesn’t mean you agree with their point of view, but you respect their right to have it.
Reacting in this way enhances your empathy, expands your emotional intelligence, and deepens your self-awareness.
Okay, that’s all good, but there are times when tolerance is not in anybody’s best interest. Let’s review the cons.
The Cons
There are two cons:
- Encouraging, accepting, or implicitly participating in abusive or unacceptable behavior
- Suppressing your authentic self
Encouraging or Participating in Unacceptable Behavior
There is a line between accepting alternative ideas, points of view, or activities and implicitly participating in behaviors you see as abusive, harmful, or unacceptable.
When a point of view encompasses violence or abusive behavior, or something you feel is unacceptable because it challenges your fundamental values, that line is crossed.
At that point, you usually withdraw your tolerance.
Sometimes you simply decide not to participate in discussions. Other times, you may actively object.
You have to make those decisions on a case-by-case examination. You might, for instance, tolerate discussions of opposing views, but not tolerate personal attacks in the process.
It ultimately comes down to knowing what you value and what you consider acceptable.
Psychological flexibility is a component of emotional intelligence, but it does not extend to accepting harmful behavior.
Suppressing Your Authentic Self
In this case, you tolerate unacceptable behavior out of fear.
For example, you stay with an abusive partner because you’re afraid of the consequences if you leave.
Or you may decide to tolerate some degree of unacceptable behavior out of need. For example, you put up with a bad boss because you need your job.
These decisions are murky and usually involve some form of fear.
You’re afraid of what might happen if you choose not to tolerate a behavior, or afraid of what will happen if you continue to accept behavior you oppose.
In both cases, you’re struggling with your sense of autonomy, self-worth, self-respect, and self-expression.
We don’t have easy choices in these kinds of situations, and each case is different. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution.
You must weigh the consequences of backing out versus staying, while also exploring alternative options. The goal is always to move away from what’s harmful.
The Decisions
When deciding what to tolerate, these questions serve as good guidelines.
1. What’s at stake?
Is this something I need to argue for?
Does it have any significant impact? Or is it just a difference in beliefs, ideas, or customs I can accept?
2. Do I need to take a stand?
Is the situation crossing a serious value boundary? If so, do I need to put energy into objecting?
If the situation directly affects you, you may take some action.
However, if you’re dealing with a social media post, you might ignore it altogether because you see no reason to engage.
3. Am I reacting to an exaggerated fear or a genuine one?
That’s an important distinction. For example, some people fear diversity of any kind because it’s unfamiliar.
The question to ask yourself is, “Is there an underlying fear that’s causing my reactions, and if so, what is it? How valid is it?”
Gaining insight into yourself and your motivations can help you determine where and when to draw the line.
Three Things to Do
1. Set boundaries.
Tolerance is intertwined with boundary-setting.
Knowing what you will or will not tolerate is the basis for setting boundaries, as well as determining their strength and knowing when to apply them.
2. Enhance your ability to manage and regulate your emotions.
Part of being tolerant is having the ability to manage your emotional reactions during interactions with someone who thinks differently from you.
People who are adept at regulating their emotions can listen to different viewpoints and engage in discussions without becoming overly reactive, regardless of how divergent the opinions are. They’re also more comfortable with diversity.
3. Work on your emotional intelligence.
It’s in your best interest, as well as the interest of everyone, to work on developing emotional intelligence.
- It encourages psychological flexibility while also sharpening your values.
- It expands empathy, helps you better understand yourself, and enables you to manage your emotions more effectively.
Tolerance is tied to all of those things.
Next week, I’ll review some key principles of emotional intelligence and tell you how you can improve them.
That’s all for today!
Have a good week!
All my best,
Barbara