Blog Short #248: How to Repair Relationships With Your Grown Kids
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I don’t know how many of you have children, or how many have grown children, but even if your children are not yet adults, you can still benefit from this article.
First, let me say that I am a parent of an adult child, and I have many siblings who also have adult children, so we often talk about this issue.
If you have grown kids who hold resentment toward you for things that occurred while growing up, or if they’re in the habit of blaming you for some of their issues, here are some things you might try to heal the rift.
Start with a Conversation
Have a frank conversation with your adult child and listen to what they have to say with an open mind.
You can initiate the conversation yourself if you like. Pick a good time, let them know you want to talk to them, and say something like:
“I know there are some things I did (or didn’t do) when you were growing up that have bothered you, and maybe you have some resentments or still wrestle with them. I’d like to give you a chance to talk about them. I want to hear your thoughts and understand how you feel. Maybe there’s a way to make things better.”
That’s just a generic opening. You may know specifically what your adult child is resentful about, and you can speak to that directly.
You may not think there are any issues. In that case, you could simply say that you’re interested in hearing about how they experienced their childhood and wonder if there are any issues they’d like to revisit.
But before you talk, check your mindset.
The Right Mindset
To have this conversation, you must be willing to listen without defending yourself.
That’s not easy, but it’s very necessary if you want the conversation to be productive. You need the whole picture, and to get that, you have to be receptive to seeing things through their lens, not yours.
In other words, approach the investigation with an open heart and an open mind. That’s a tall order, especially if you:
- Think their view is distorted
- Think you did your best, and they don’t understand
- Feel attacked
- Feel defensive
The point of this conversation is not to point fingers or make you feel bad about your parenting. There’s no such thing as a perfect parent.
Your goal is to reach a mutual understanding of what happened, why it occurred, and what was going on at the time. And then create some resolution.
To do that, you need to give full rein to your child’s thoughts and feelings without interrupting or counteracting.
You’ll be able to respond in time, but initially, you need to sit back and listen, ask questions for clarity, and do your best to understand their narrative.
Should You Apologize?
Absolutely. For most kids, even adults, hearing a parent admit to problems or behaviors that caused them distress or pain is relieving. The validation itself is golden.
Two things happen:
- Validation shows genuine empathy and caring towards your child’s thoughts and feelings, making them feel heard.
- By admitting and apologizing for things you did, you’re showing your true concern for their well-being. You’re also modeling good behavior for them.
There’s another significant outcome for having these open conversations.
A Relationship Shift
Speaking with your adult child this way changes the structure of the relationship from one of authority to one where you meet in the middle.
And in so doing, you allow your adult child an opportunity to learn more about you as a human being, not just a parent.
They can see you as a person who has their own issues, losses, painful experiences, and backgrounds.
Making that transition also helps them take responsibility for their own problems and look inward, rather than relying on you to fix them.
This happens partly because you’re approaching them as adults, rather than just as parents. You are still the parent and always will be, but having honest adult conversations changes the playing field.
When you do that, you’re also subtly embracing your child’s autonomy to make decisions and carve out their life trajectory as they see fit.
It creates the proper foundation for you to be a support, but not the sole support, for their choices and actions.
Explanations versus Apologies
It’s never a good idea to invalidate the other person by explaining it away. That’s not an apology. Let the situation stand.
For example, when my son was in elementary school, I was quite ill. I had a long bout with the Epstein-Barr virus. I was a single parent and still held down a job to support us, but in the evenings, I could barely function. After dinner, homework, and some chat time, I would die on the couch in front of the TV, although I was barely watching. My son would entertain himself. We had a bath and bedtime routine each night, and then I would dive into bed myself after he drifted off.
I later learned during one of our adult conversations that he had felt alone and abandoned in the evenings during that time. He thought I preferred the TV to him.
He’d never said anything about it, but he’d felt it. I was, of course, horrified, and we spent a considerable amount of time discussing it.
Conversations like this are vital.
You may not know your child’s perception of situations and think that you’d managed them all right. Or, in some cases, you know you didn’t manage them well, and a conversation is needed to verify that fact for your child.
It is helpful to offer explanations when there is more information your child didn’t have or couldn’t understand at the time. But always apologize for the pain caused.
Genuine apologies from a parent are powerful for several reasons.
1. Correct distortions.
First, they help correct distorted thoughts about past events, and with that, distorted feelings and ideas your child may have internalized.
For instance, my conversation with my son helped him dispel feelings of being abandoned or not being important enough. It was a sad conversation, but the recognition of those truths stuck and changed his perceptions of both of us.
2. Reveal hidden feelings.
Secondly, you never know what’s lurking in your child’s mind that affects how they feel about themselves, even years later.
Open conversations not only heal your relationships but also address the negative feelings your kids may have internalized about their worth or importance.
3. Promote self-revelation.
Third, these conversations offer you an opportunity to reveal more about yourself.
Sometimes you talk about your growing-up years and things you experienced, which gives your kids a chance to understand you better and learn more about their heritage.
They learn about things you struggled with growing up and how they’ve affected you. They hear more about their grandparents and other extended family members. They feel more a part of your world.
Do make sure not to take over the conversation and focus primarily on yourself. However, some self-revelation that illustrates something your adult child is working on or suffering with is very helpful and eye-opening.
Overall, these kinds of conversations shift the relationship up and promote connection.
The Best Outcome
When you successfully have conversations like this with your kids, they’re able to release some of the resentments they’ve been holding on to.
This new understanding clears the way for them to begin working on themselves with new energy. They feel reconnected, more supported, and loved, which is in itself a healing experience.
You’re still a parent, but a different kind of parent. You’re an ally and support for their adult endeavors. They can talk to you.
That’s all for today!
Have a great week!
All my best,
Barbara
Related articles:
How to Truly Connect With Someone: Whole Being Listening
Be an Empathetic Detective to Improve Your Relationships
7 Tips to Improve Your Communication Skills