Blog Short #239: The Cost of Avoiding Important Conversations
Photo by Daniel Brubaker on Unsplash
In close, intimate relationships, there are usually some topics you avoid talking about. Either there’s an unspoken agreement not to broach them, or there’s something hidden that one or the other of you doesn’t want to expose. The term for this practice is circumscribing.
Circumscribing can occur in any close relationship.
For example:
Your teenager doesn’t want to tell you everything that goes on with his friends.
Or your therapist doesn’t discuss her personal problems with you during your sessions.
In both these cases, circumscribing is normal and acceptable.
But what about parenting differences you and your spouse have that you can’t talk about?
Or spending habits you don’t see eye to eye on?
Or the clutter in your home that one of you has a problem with?
What can you not talk about, and why not?
That’s the first question. The second question is, what’s the cost?
Let’s start with the reasons you might avoid specific topics.
The Why: Reasons Behind Circumscribing
1. You’re afraid.
You’re afraid of the other person’s reactions. They might become angry, blow up, criticize you, or give you the cold shoulder.
2. You’ve unsuccessfully addressed this issue before.
You’ve talked this issue to death with no resolution. If you bring it up, the immediate reaction will be, “Not this again. There’s no point in having this conversation.”
3. You don’t want to disturb the peace.
You hate conflicts. They make you anxious. You’re afraid of driving the other person away or creating distance. Or you’re worried they’ll shut down. At the extreme, you’re afraid of losing them.
4. The other person will think poorly of you.
You think there will be an adverse reaction to what you have to say, and you’ll look bad or disappoint your partner, causing permanent damage to the relationship.
5. Disagreeing makes you feel guilty.
You doubt yourself and think that your needs aren’t as important as the other person’s. So, if you bring something up that will cause discomfort, you hesitate. You don’t like to ask for anything.
6. Only one of you is open to discussion.
Only one of you likes to talk things through. The other tends to avoid any issues that could cause a disagreement. So you suck it up and hold your tongue.
Now for the costs.
The Costs: Slow Disintegration of the Relationship
When circumscribing is a regular practice in a relationship, several things happen over time.
- Trust erodes
- Avoidance increases
- Indifference seeps in and takes root
All three of these things spell destruction for the relationship. You might stay together, or if this applies to a family member, you’ll still be family, but distance will increase. And with that, barriers are erected against closeness and intimacy.
Let’s take a look at how this happens using Mark Knapp’s Stages of Relationships. He’s created a model that illustrates how relationships form and destruct. Here’s a diagram of it.
As you can see, he describes five stages of how a relationship develops, grows, and stabilizes on the left side. These are the “Coming Together” stages.
He then explains how a relationship breaks down and slowly atrophies on the right side, which are the “Coming Apart” stages.
Here’s a brief description of each phase.
Coming Together
Initiating. You meet someone and have a positive impression, along with an interest in furthering your interaction and finding out more about them.
Experimenting. You begin sharing personal information and testing the waters to see if the connection will remain steady. You’re learning more about each other.
Intensifying. Your feelings for each other increase and intensify, along with your desire to be together. You each disclose more intimate details about yourselves.
Integrating. You start to merge your lives. You become a couple with a shared identity and present yourselves as a unit in social and familial circles.
Bonding. You fully commit to the relationship and integrate your lives to create a long-term, stable connection.
Coming Apart
These stages go in reverse order on the chart, so we begin with “differentiating.”
Differentiating. When you first get involved in a relationship and move through the stages of forming a stable bond, you focus more on your similarities to each other. Early relationships are symbiotic. You see yourselves as a unit where all your tendencies and personality characteristics complement each other.
Once you’ve committed, you must reestablish your individuality and autonomy within the relationship while maintaining your bond. This is a normal developmental phase and is necessary for a healthy relationship.
In this phase, you notice differences. You begin to become more aware of each other’s idiosyncrasies, temperaments, behavior patterns, and needs.
Good relationships navigate this phase and can integrate individual differences and likenesses through negotiation while maintaining affection and a desire to be together.
Circumscribing. In all relationships, there are things you might not disclose. But for the most part, in relationships that last, off-limits subjects are few, especially when it comes to issues that are deeply meaningful and tied to your identities, values, beliefs, and needs.
The more subjects that are off-limits, the more precarious the health of the relationship.
Couples often seek out therapy during this stage, complaining about their inability to communicate effectively.
Stagnating. At this stage, communication becomes less frequent and is more perfunctory. You continue to go through the motions, but without the same investment or interest. From here, the relationship begins to sink.
Avoiding. When circumscribing is prevalent, and one or both partners have to submerge their needs to keep the peace, avoidance becomes a regular practice.
You don’t bring up things that are on the off-limits list, but you feel the effects. There’s a decline in affection, trust, and satisfaction.
Terminating. Avoidance over time leads to distance and a lack of interest. You begin to care less for your partner’s well-being and happiness because you feel ignored and unimportant.
When indifference outweighs the desire to connect, the relationship dies.
You might stay together, but you feel alone, or you live separate lives while cohabiting. Typically, the relationship ends.
The Pivot Point
Knapp’s schematic is helpful in many ways, but especially in pinpointing where a relationship teeters between remaining viable or beginning the descent to failure.
Circumscribing is that pivot point, and knowing that can help you take stock of how it plays out in your relationships.
Use these questions to start a conversation:
- What subjects are off-limits for discussion, or if discussed, end in a stalemate?
- What subjects do each of us avoid or want to avoid? Why?
- How do we deal with our differences? Are we ever successful at talking them through? What’s our usual procedure, or is there one?
- Do we feel heard by each other?
A good exercise is to make a list of your answers separately and then come together and compare notes.
If a lot of circumscribing exists in your relationship, the exercise will be challenging because you aren’t used to engaging in these “off-limits” conversations. That’s why it’s good to create your lists separately at first and then go through them slowly together.
Set Up Some Rules
I would suggest you set up rules before you start. Basic rules are things like:
- Take a break if either of you becomes overwhelmed or too angry and needs time to calm down
- No personal attacks
- Take turns listening without interruption
You can decide together what rules you need.
A good practice is to divide the conversation into several discussions, with the first discussion focusing only on understanding each other’s feelings and thoughts.
Don’t problem-solve until after you feel some connection with each other and have a desire to make improvements.
If you’re not comfortable tackling this on your own, you can also engage a counselor to guide you through the process.
The goal is to close the distance between you that’s been created by avoiding difficult conversations and ignoring each other’s needs.
You need to rebuild your trust and intimacy, which can be achieved as long as you’re both willing and patient. It won’t work unless both people are on board.
The good thing is that even a relationship that has become significantly estranged can be turned around if both partners are willing to put in the work.
By the way, you can apply this process to any intimate relationship, including family members, close friends, or parents with their teens or adult children.
That’s all for today!
Have a great week!
All my best,
Barbara