Blog Short #235: Are You a “Fixer”? The Good and the Bad

Let me start by saying that I’m a fixer. What I’ll share with you today comes from both my professional and inside knowledge.

Being a fixer has many positives, which I’ll point out, but it can also be a compulsive habit with negative consequences.

Let’s start with some general characteristics of the fixer, and then I’ll pose some questions to you that will help distinguish between the healthy and unhealthy.

Positive Attributes of “The Fixer”

Fixers are can-do people. Here are some of their positive attributes.

They’re good managers. They quickly grasp the big picture and can efficiently attend to details within the scope of the overall goal.
Fixers are exceptional problem-solvers. They can manage their emotions while analyzing problems and organizing the steps needed to resolve them.
They keep their cool in emergencies.
They can multitask. They manage multiple tasks simultaneously while also prioritizing the optimal sequence of execution.
Fixers think creatively when needed and pursue new information when the path forward is unclear.
Fixers take pleasure in helping and feel gratified when alleviating someone’s discomfort.

Now let’s examine some guidelines to ensure your efforts to help and fix don’t become overzealous and lead to adverse outcomes. Use the following questions to assist you.

#1: Did the person you’re fixing something for ask you for help?

Sometimes, you decide to fix something without being asked because it’s helpful, and you sense that the person or persons involved will benefit if you offer a solution to what you perceive as their problem.

But sometimes this backfires, and your actions are not appreciated. Or the receptivity is mixed:

”Yeah, that was helpful, but I wanted to think about it myself more before acting on it.”

When you offer unsolicited solutions that aren’t well received, you’re feeding your insecurities more than genuinely providing help.

Make sure that the person you’re helping wants your assistance before diving in. Asking is the easiest way to determine that.

#2: Are you creating a bridge or building a moat?

The second issue is this:

Does your fix provide a bridge that helps someone get unstuck and continue moving forward, or does it create a moat that insulates them from responsibility and prevents them from solving their own problems?

Creating moats often occurs with adult children.

You feel like they’re just on the brink of success, or it seems to you, and if you can provide that little push by removing some obstacles, they’ll seize the opportunity and take the reins.

If that’s the case, then it’s a good fix.

But more often, you’ve repeatedly offered those fixes, and they never step up. They might start, do a little, and then fall back helplessly.

So there you are – the raft in the rapids that moves them to safety. For a little while. Until next time.

Make sure your fixes are bridges. When they are, the receiver not only appreciates the help, but they also use it to fly on their own.

#3: What message are you sending?

When you jump in and fix things without allowing others to wrestle with the problem, you’re saying,

“I’m not sure you can do it. I don’t have faith in you to figure it out.”

This doesn’t apply if your job involves fixing things or developing solutions. Maybe you work for a company, and that’s your job. In that case, your ability to “fix” is being utilized correctly and positively.

But not if you’re taking away someone’s opportunity to learn something or exercise their thinking brain to come up with solutions.

One option is to assist with thinking something through, but allowing the other person to do the actual problem-solving. That’s offering a bridge.

#4: Are you uncomfortable with someone’s suffering?

The answer will likely be yes, even if you don’t jump in with fixes.

It’s never easy to watch someone suffer or struggle, especially someone you love.

However, you must weigh the necessity of that struggle to foster learning against the temporary relief of lifting the feelings while leaving the original problem unresolved.

It isn’t about allowing someone to be distraught when you can alleviate it. Sometimes, you should do that because it’s in their best interest.

For example, if you know something the other person doesn’t know that could help solve a problem, you share it.

If my husband’s computer freezes and he can’t get back to the screen he was on, I’ll jump in and fix it because I know much more about computers than he does.

But if one of my friends chronically overspends and then suffers when she can’t pay her bills, I won’t keep bailing her out by lending money to alleviate her suffering.

Is the issue one that is self-imposed and requires behavior changes? If so, fixing it isn’t helpful. You must allow the person to experience sufficient discomfort to prompt a change.

Rescuing them won’t be beneficial in the long run. That means you also must acknowledge and accept your discomfort.

#5: Are you dealing with a boundary issue?

All the case scenarios we’ve just reviewed indicate boundary issues. We all know setting healthy boundaries is beneficial, but it’s not easy. That’s why we often struggle with them.

When I consider a boundary, the questions I always ask myself are:

Is it beneficial for the other person?
Is it beneficial for me?

A healthy boundary benefits both the giver and the receiver. While the receiver may not always perceive it that way, ultimately, it serves both parties.

Some boundaries are those you set for yourself.

Your need to fix, solve problems, and rescue is embedded in your personality, so you may be prone to stepping over boundaries or not establishing them when necessary.

It takes awareness and diligence to determine when boundaries are needed.

#6: Are you seeking validation?

Fixers can sometimes fall into the trap of using their problem-solving abilities to gain validation of their worth.

It’s easy to see how this occurs.

If you were identified in your family as a fixer while growing up, you likely assigned a significant portion of your self-worth to your ability to solve others’ problems.

Think about your family for a moment: Who’s the person that other family members turn to when they have a problem?

It may vary among family members for various types of issues, but one person usually receives most of the phone calls and requests for help.

If you’re that person, your identity and self-worth have been built around your fixer qualities.

As an adult, the problem arises when you’re unable to feel worthy unless you fix problems.

In your family, everyone expected it of you. However, in the adult world, not everyone shares these expectations, and some are not pleased when you step in without asking.

The issue lies in broadening your sense of self to feel worthy without the need to fix anything.

Where does this leave us?

Okay, you’ve answered all the questions and have a better handle on when to fix and when not, but you may still feel uneasy.

The key issue is to separate yourself from your ability to fix things. That means adjusting your identity.

Think of fixing as a valuable skill and talent. It’s something you’re good at and, when used properly, is a service that benefits others.

But you’re more than your ability to solve problems.

What other needs might you be pursuing or side-stepping by fixing things?
Do you need more love, more attention, more validation? Are you afraid of people not liking you?
What might you be masking by fixing things?

When you consider these questions honestly, you can work on self-acceptance and appreciation while finding validation in healthier ways.

You can also accept that not everyone will always be pleased with you or like you. If they do, you’re probably not being authentic with yourself or them.

Channel your talent for fixing things into something that benefits you and others without becoming all-consuming. Your value greatly surpasses your ability to fix.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

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