Blog Short #230: How to Talk with Confidence (8 Surefire Strategies)
Photo by fizkes
Confidence isn’t something you have but something you build. One way to do that is to learn how to speak more assertively.
Today, I’m giving you eight ways to keep people leaning in, listening closely, and valuing what you have to say.
Practice these strategies and watch the transformation.
1. Be concise and direct.
Avoid hinting, circling around, or burying your gems beneath a flurry of unnecessary words. Take the direct route – the most concise and straightforward path to your point.
Instead of:
“I’m wondering if we might do something different this weekend, maybe like going for a hike or something like that.”
Say:
“I want to go on a hike this weekend. What do you think?”
When you’re concise and to the point, you sound confident. You also give the other person something solid to work with. They don’t have to guess what you’re saying or thinking. It requires less energy from them and builds trust at the same time.
The key idea is never to make people work to understand what you’re saying, including your thoughts and feelings. Make it easy.
2. Cut the fluff words.
These are all those extra words that fill up space and clutter the message.
Um, er, ah, well, hmm . . .
Keep your speech clean. It shouldn’t sound like a room with stuff littered all over the floor. You want a clean, clear path to the message without stumbling around.
Instead of:
“Well, um, there’s, um something I want to bring up. Hmm, not sure if you ahh want to hear it.”
By the time you get all that out, the other person’s starting to feel antsy and wary.
Say:
“I want to talk to you about something,” or, “There’s something I need to discuss with you.”
That leaves no doubt about what you want and what you’re asking of the other person.
When you skirt around it with filler words, it’s irritating and makes you sound weak.
You might be trying to soft-pedal what you want to say, but instead, you’re raising alarm signals.
3. Slow down.
When people become anxious, they tend to speed up their delivery. Words pour out faster and faster.
The faster you speak, the greater your chances of stumbling over your words, slurring, mispronouncing, losing your place, and saying things you didn’t mean to say.
A common myth is that fast speech reflects intelligence.
Not true. Fast speech requires the listener to expend more energy to keep up and follow your thoughts.
Slow down. There’s no hurry. Give yourself time to monitor what you’re saying and ensure your words reflect your intention.
If you’re feeling anxious, talking fast will make you more anxious and cause you to lose control of where you’re going.
Take a breath before you start talking, and again before important points you want to make. Be deliberate with your words.
4. Use pauses.
Pauses are your rabbit out of the hat. When you pause, three things happen:
- You heighten the other person’s attention. They wait in anticipation of what’s coming next.
- You reset the speed of the conversation.
- You give yourself a moment to regroup.
Jefferson Fisher describes two types of pauses.
The first lasts between 1 and 4 seconds. This one is used to add emphasis to something you want to accentuate. It’s the punch line pause.
The second pause lasts for 5 to 10 seconds. This pause allows the other person to reflect on the impact of what they’ve said. It acts as a “mirror” and helps slow emotional reactivity or spotlight specific comments.
5. Avoid weak words.
Weak words and phrases sound wishy-washy and make you seem unsure of yourself.
Here are some of the most common ones:
- Just
- Sort of
- Kind of
- Like
- Maybe
- Actually
- Literally
- Basically
- Very
- So
Instead of:
“If I could just sort of take a little time to myself, basically do nothing for an hour, get really, totally comfortable, and maybe spend some time reading, or literally doing nothing, just sitting around . . .”
Has your mind gone numb yet?
Say:
“I need a day off to rest, read a book, and nap when I want to. That would be wonderful!”
The second statement is easy to assimilate and paints a picture you can see yourself stepping into and enjoying. The first statement sounds iffy and never-ending.
You might use these words more often in casual conversation, but leave them out when speaking professionally or writing or when you want to sound confident.
That goes for cliched phrases also, like:
- Barking up the wrong tree
- Water under the bridge
- Think outside the box
- Everything happens for a reason
You get the idea.
6. Stop apologizing.
“I don’t mean to bother you, but . . .”
“I’m sorry to have to say this . . .”
“I probably shouldn’t ask . . .”
“You’ll probably think this is a dumb question, but . . .”
“I know you’re busy, and I’m sorry to impose . . .”
When you need or want something, say it. Say it directly. Don’t beat around the bush, and don’t apologize for it.
If you’re worried someone doesn’t have time to talk to you or answer your question, ask them upfront about it.
“I’d need some help with this computer issue. Do you have time?”
If they don’t have the time, ask when they will. But don’t downplay what you need or want. You can be direct and considerate at the same time.
You don’t want to present yourself as less than.
A second, more subtle apology is to tag a tentative phrase at the end of your original statement.
“I was hoping to get a minute of your time sometime today to work on a computer problem I’m having. Does that make sense?”
“I hate when people want me to drop what I’m doing to talk to them, right? But could you spare some time for me today?”
When you make a statement and follow up with “Right?” or “Does that make sense?” you’re downplaying your worth.
Jefferson Fisher recommends asking, “What are your thoughts?” or “How does that sound?” as a follow-up. Those questions don’t conflict with your statement, and they invite connection and feedback.
These are more subtle differences but have a significant impact and are easy to fix.
7. Stay on task.
It’s okay to illustrate points for clarification, but avoid going off on tangents or telling long, involved stories that dilute the focus of your conversation.
Public speakers can use anecdotes to illustrate a point, as can writers, but if you’re being interviewed for a job or speaking in a meeting, it’s important to stay on task.
8. Pay attention to body language.
Body language counts for over half of someone’s impression of you. Use these guidelines:
- Make direct eye contact, but not the whole time. You don’t want to stare. Do it when making important points or listening.
- Use your arms and hands carefully. Gesticulating can enhance your message as long as you don’t overdo it.
- Keep your posture upright. You can relax more in casual conversations, but maintain a strong posture when looking confident is your priority.
- Face the person you’re talking to. Don’t stand or sit sideways. Turn directly toward the person.
- Keep your expression open and relaxed. Confident people feel comfortable with who they are. That’s the feeling you want to cultivate.
Last Thing
Confident people are both relaxed and focused at the same time.
They talk less and spend more time listening and gauging the emotional temperature of the people they’re talking to before diving in.
Make your words count. Don’t overtalk. And, always consider the level of receptivity of your audience.
Most importantly, regardless of the subject or your relationship with the listener, maintain respect. Be sure your behavior aligns with your values regardless of whether the other person does the same.
You should feel good about your actions after every conversation. Your aim is for your behavior to reflect the person you aspire to be consistently.
That’s all for today.
Have a great week!
All my best,
Barbara
P. S. You might also enjoy How to Be Heard When You Talk