Blog Short #227: How Do You Stop Someone From Interrupting You When You Speak
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Do you have a family member or friend who often interrupts you mid-sentence when you’re talking? Or an office colleague?
Short of saying something like “Let me finish!” or “Stop Interrupting!” they’ll keep talking. And sometimes, even that doesn’t stop them.
Even if it does, you might come off as the bad guy because there’s some anger behind your statement.
Jefferson Fisher, who wrote the book The Next Conversation, lays out a 3-step process that’s easy to follow and works like a charm while maintaining your good-guy status.
We’ll go over that today, but first, let me quickly summarize why people interrupt.
Knowing the whys is important because it helps you use the 3-step process more comfortably. It also focuses your attention on the behavior rather than the person, which reduces your negative feelings about them.
Why People Interrupt
1. It’s a family communication pattern.
Some families talk over each other regularly. It’s a pattern of communication that’s been passed down from generation to generation and is accepted.
That doesn’t mean it always works well, but it’s what everyone’s used to. If you talk to someone about that pattern who comes from a family where it’s the norm, they’ll tell you it’s not a problem, and they always hear each other perfectly despite it.
Whether that’s true or not isn’t the point; the point is that it’s what they’ve grown up with and learned and don’t think twice about.
2. It’s a knee-jerk reaction.
When someone hears something that excites or stimulates them, they may blurt out a response without noticing that they’re interrupting. They can’t wait to share their thoughts and feelings.
3. They have no awareness they’re interrupting.
In this case, the person is distracted by their own thoughts and jumps in without thinking. They genuinely have no awareness that they’re interrupting. They’re responding to the content without awareness of the process.
4. They need control
This person may think that the conversation’s going too slowly and interrupt to move it along and get to the point. Or they might want to control what’s talked about or said.
5. They’re overtalkers.
These folks are exceptionally long-winded and dominate conversations without considering anyone else’s needs. I’ll be addressing overtalkers next week.
The Effects
Regardless of why someone interrupts you, the effects remain. You feel disrespected, and you are.
You might also feel dismissed, overpowered, unappreciated, or unimportant.
None of that may be the intent, but whether it is or not, when someone interrupts—especially if they do it more than once—they’re showing you that they don’t care about what you have to say.
They’re focused on their thoughts and listen just long enough to jump in and have their say, whether they’re defending, changing the subject, or devaluing what you said. They’re not listening.
When you fully understand and accept that, it’s easier to respond assertively. And you must do this because if you don’t, you’re conspiring with the interrupter to continue dismissing you.
It’s like dealing with a bully:
When you allow the bully to get their way, they keep doing it. The only way to stop them is to not allow it.
Not that everyone who interrupts you is a bully. Certainly not, but the dynamic is similar.
Now, let’s go to how to handle it.
Jefferson’s 3-Step Process
STEP 1 – Let the first one go.
Jefferson tells us to let the first interruption go and not interfere. He has several reasons for doing this.
- First, if you come in too fast, it feels like you’re overstepping or being harsh. This makes you look immature and emotional, which discounts your assertiveness. You seem impatient, even though the other person is the one interrupting.
- Secondly, you can try making your point without saying it. When you have the floor again, return to where you were when you were interrupted. Instead of allowing the interrupter to lead the conversation off on a tangent, you’re subtly letting them know that you weren’t finished and now will do that.
That may be enough. But if it isn’t, then move on to the next step.
STEP 2 – Use the person’s name.
Address the person by name. Jefferson points out that when you use someone’s name, you grab their attention. We’re tuned into our names and respond even when distracted by other thoughts or talking.
Barb? Let me interject here.
If you say it and don’t get the response you want, keep saying their name louder and louder until they stop talking and turn their attention toward you.
Barb? BARB? BARB! Let me interject here.
Now for the next step.
STEP 3 – Correct the behavior and make your case.
Now that you’ve got their attention, let them know that interrupting you is not okay.
To do this, use “I” statements only. Don’t accuse or use “you” statements that impose blame. You could say something like:
“I’m interested in what you have to say, but I’d like to go back to where I left off, finish what I was saying, and then hear your ideas.”
“It’s difficult for me to hear you when I’ve been interrupted. I’d like us to take turns and listen to each other before responding.”
It’s hard to argue with either of those statements.
You’re calling the person out without calling them out!
You’re respectful yet assertive, and you’re making it clear that you expect them to take turns speaking without interrupting for the remainder of the conversation.
In the process, you’re establishing how you’re going to converse. But you’re doing it without attacks or malice. When you do it that way, you’re not offending the other person or personalizing their behavior.
You can be more specific if you know the person well and know their intent for interrupting. For example, if your friend got excited about something you said and just dove in and cut you off because she couldn’t contain herself, you could reference that.
“Hey, I know you have a lot to say, and I can see you’re excited about it. Just give me a minute. I want to finish what I was saying, and then I’ll be free to hear you.”
Planning Ahead
If the situation allows, you can plan ahead and set communication guidelines to avoid interruptions.
For example, if you were to lead a meeting at work, you could set rules for how everyone will communicate at the outset. These could be:
- Let everyone finish what they have to say without interruptions.
- Wait your turn to speak. I’ll be monitoring that.
- Don’t be long-winded or do a monologue. Be concise.
- Be respectful to each other, even when disagreeing.
Meetings with explicit conversation rules established ahead go better.
You could do the same if you have a more intimate conversation with a partner or family member. You could agree not to interrupt each other and allow each to have equal time.
Conversation guidelines and rules about the process go a long way toward making communicating easier and more productive.
What If I Need to Interrupt?
Sometimes interruptions happen because the two people talking have very different communication styles.
For instance, I’m a direct person who likes others to get to the point, while my husband tends to take his time building up from the bottom with details and information.
I often have to refrain from interrupting him during our conversations, but I’ve learned that if I wait and listen closely, I gain the full benefit of what he says, which is always interesting and meaningful.
If you feel the urge to interrupt, take a moment to determine whether it’s the right choice.
Next week, I’ll discuss overtalking, which ironically does often necessitate interrupting. I’ll show you when and how to do it.
That’s all for today!
Have a great week!
All my best,
Barbara