Blog Short #217: 5 Comfort Zones I Had to Let Go Of
Photo by Photo by Ashley Light on Unsplash
We all have comfort zones. They’re familiar places and situations that don’t challenge us much. They’re easy and don’t require a lot of energy.
Some of them, like regular self-care routines, are good for you. But many of them are not.
These are the ones you get stuck in, and instead of providing a respite, they’re a means of avoidance. They’re ingrained patterns of dealing with particular situations and emotions you want to side-step.
It’s in your best interest to become aware of your comfort zones and only keep those that serve you well.
Today, I’m sharing five comfort zones I had to let go of. You may have some of the same ones. I’ll show you how they work and how you can become more aware of yours.
The first one is well-known!
1. People-Pleasing
If you’re the oldest child in your family, you likely know all about people-pleasing, although it can be a comfort zone for anyone regardless of family position.
For me, people-pleasing has always been a means of accomplishing three things:
- Gaining acceptance and admiration for what I can do.
- Avoiding confrontations or anger directed toward me.
- Keeping the peace. Especially keeping the peace!
Now, the thing about any comfort zone is that you get both primary and secondary gains.
The primary gains are apparent, like my list above. These are overt, conscious gains you get.
Secondary gains are not so noticeable, but it’s essential to identify them. If you don’t do that, the behavior will operate automatically.
My secondary gains in people-pleasing are:
- Avoiding confrontations.
- Avoid feeling the brunt of someone’s displeasure with me.
That raises the question:
“Is a comfort zone like people-pleasing only negative?”
No, it’s not.
Some comfort zones have positive and negative benefits, and people-pleasing is one of those.
Caretakers and managers have valuable skills, and helping others is healthy, but only when it doesn’t cost anyone. Using it to avoid who you are and what’s important to you is detrimental.
I had to redefine people-pleasing as a means of using my managerial skills to serve others, but not at the expense of my well-being.
That required getting good at setting boundaries and not worrying so much about being liked or dealing with someone’s displeasure.
If this is one of your comfort zones, work on boundary-setting. It’s may be difficult at first, but the more you do it, the easier and more automatic it will become.
In the process, you’ll let go of this costly comfort zone and still help others when you want to.
2. Chronic Depression
Being depressed is not a sought-after comfort zone.
The label itself isn’t entirely accurate because being depressed is not comfortable and is rarely within your control.
No one seeks out depression, and in some cases, it’s a severe problem.
That said, chronic depression can oddly become a comfort zone of sorts. It’s a place to retreat, albeit a painful one. It’s familiar.
I saw a young woman in therapy once who admitted to me that one evening, as she sat on her bed lamenting her life, which she often did, she felt the shadow of depression moving into her consciousness and, for a fleeting moment, felt pleasure in its presence.
She explained,
“It’s familiar. It’s my old, ugly friend that never deserts me.” She added, “Sick, huh??”
No, not really. It exemplifies the human need for familiarity, and if you’ve grown up around depression and with depression, it becomes a part of your identity.
It’s like living in an old, bug-ridden shack of a house that, on the surface, you don’t like, but it’s home. Not a good home, but home nevertheless.
Being depressed is a painful experience that blunts your emotional and physical energy to perform life duties. It lends itself to oversleeping, binge-watching TV, crying in some cases, and having little interest in much of anything other than vegetating.
The secondary gains are that you can spend time beating yourself up for what you’re not accomplishing, which leads to more depression, and at the same time, avoid interacting with your life.
A circular trap of “retreat – avoid – punish” keeps you isolated and immobile.
I used to call it the abyss, and most people who’ve experienced chronic depression all agree that’s what it feels like.
Thinking about depression as a comfort zone (or habitual pattern) can help you begin to unravel it.
Most people with chronic depression seek out help, but some don’t. It is necessary to get help and recognize secondary gains in the process of working it through.
It’s a longer process, but you can successfully emerge from it, and once you do, it doesn’t return. Your identity and sense of worth change.
3. Procrastination
Procrastination is the most common comfort zone on this list.
The secondary gains of procrastinating are easy to identify. You get to avoid what you don’t want to do.
You can instead engage in pleasurable activities with more enjoyment because it feels like you’re playing hooky from school or work, and you easily lie to yourself that you’ll do it later.
It’s a familiar and pleasurable regression. Of course, it comes back to bite you.
Procrastinators operate from a deadline mentality.
Unless something sits on top of you and squeezes you, you can’t muster up the energy to get it done.
When the deadline looms just close enough that you can barely reach the finish line in time, you become energized enough to sprint.
It’s an awful way to do things. I went through undergrad and graduate school that way, which was painful.
However, I’m happy to say I’ve overthrown this comfort zone for good and now find doing things ahead most pleasurable. It’s so much easier! It’s a matter of changing the habit.
If this one plagues you, use every strategy you can find until you find the right combo to change your behavior. I’ll list my favs at the end with suggested reading.
4. Toxic Partners and Friends
This comfort zone is another common one. You find yourself attracted repeatedly to the same type of toxic person. It happens most often in romantic choices but also can be pervasive in friend choices.
This comfort zone almost always originates from dysfunctional family relationships.
If you like psychology, you can read up on object relations, which is the basis of this phenomenon.
In short, you choose partners that mirror the dynamics of your relationship with one or both of your parents.
This comfort zone is more difficult to overcome because it isn’t voluntary. It’s unconsciously ingrained.
And you find you aren’t as attracted to people who treat you well, even when the opportunity arises.
I’ve written more extensively on this subject. You can find that article by clicking here.
You can overcome this comfort zone, but it will take time, insight, and work. However, it’s worth doing because the reward is having healthy relationships that benefit you and enhance your life and sense of self.
5. Shopping Therapy
I saved this one for last because it’s obvious. If it doesn’t apply to you, congrats! It’s a bad one!
It’s so easy to engage in because you can order anything online at any time with a credit or debit card.
Shopping therapy is insidious because no matter how much you know spending that money will not be in your best interest, some part of you overrides everything you know in a split second.
There you are at the keyboard, clicking “purchase!” with that sense of satisfaction. All rationality is suspended momentarily.
And then comes the “Ouch!”
The antidote to shopping therapy is cultivating small, pleasurable rewards that are good for you.
The more you do that, the sooner you burn out your desire to treat yourself to impulsive shopping.
Another strategy is to review your bank account or budget daily or weekly to keep the reality of your spending in the front of your mind.
After a while, you won’t take pleasure in overspending. You associate it with pain, not pleasure.
You’ll take more pleasure in controlling your spending and saving money.
How to Use All of This
Set aside an hour or more to write down your comfort zones. List the ones you engage in most often, and see if you need to make changes.
Comfort zones operate automatically, often under the radar. You need to be aware of them to control them.
Once you have the list, tackle them one at a time until you succeed in letting them go.
That’s all for today!
Happy January!
All my best,
Barbara
Suggested Reading:
A Quick Solution to Procrastination
Getting Comfortable with Discomfort
Do What You Say You Will Do
Atomic Habits by James Clear