Blog Short #215: What’s the One Thing a Lasting Relationship Can’t Do Without?

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Most people would say “love.” A successful ongoing relationship that lasts requires love.

That’s true. It does. But not necessarily just romantic love. It requires real love that has staying power.

Yet, love like that can only develop and grow if there’s another factor.

And that factor is trust. Love can’t deepen where there isn’t trust.

So the question is, “How do you develop and maintain trust?”

Today, I’ll list the necessary elements for fostering and strengthening trust. If you can successfully employ these, you have a shot at real love.

What is Trust?

When it comes to relationships, the first thing most people jump to when thinking about trust is fidelity. It means not cheating and being loyal to your partner. That is undoubtedly an aspect of trust, but it’s much more than that.

Let’s start with loyalty.

1. Loyalty

Think for a moment about a relationship you’ve been in. It can be a romantic relationship, but it can also be a close friendship or family member.

Was the other person loyal? Were you?

Loyalty implies many things. But all of them can be captured by the phrase “non-betrayal.”

Being loyal to someone means not betraying them.

That can apply to fidelity, but it also applies to honoring your partner’s privacy and feelings.

It means maintaining confidentiality and not exposing things that are private or precious to them without permission.

However, this is challenging because we all talk about our partners to other people. If you’re married and close to your parents or siblings, you likely talk about your spouse with them.

There’s a fine line between talking to another person about your partner because you need help with something and divulging information you know your partner would be upset about if they knew.

Or worse, saying things that your partner would be hurt by if they heard them.

The same goes with your kids. If you tell your friends about a sensitive issue your teen’s having, and they tell their kids, pretty soon everyone knows, and your teen feels embarrassed and betrayed.

Betrayal is tricky, but if you’re cognizant of it when divulging information or talking about your partner, friends, or whomever, it’s easier to avoid betraying them.

That’s our first trust factor.

2. Commitment

The second factor is commitment.

Trust implies that you’re in it for the long haul.

That doesn’t mean you or the other person has a blank check to behave however you want.

It means you’re committed to the relationship and will do your best to work on and develop it.

You won’t jump ship when rough spots crop up, but you’ll put in your best effort to resolve them.

You’re dedicated to making the relationship better and better.

That requires prioritizing your relationship and investing the time, attention, and interest necessary to make it work.

3. Honesty

If you have kids, you’ve likely told them many times that you’ll lose trust in them if they lie to you. And if they tell you the truth, you’ll go easier on them than you would if they added lying to the infraction. I’ve emphasized that one many times myself.

Being honest and direct builds trust.

More than that, being honest also means divulging who you are.

You talk about how you feel and think about things, your struggles, and your dreams. You open up and share yourself. Relationships that last have that kind of daily exchange.

When you withhold yourself, you’re not exactly lying, but you’re omitting, which is a type of dishonesty.

Your partner needs to know what’s on your mind and how you feel.

Revealing yourself builds intimacy and understanding.

4. Acceptance

I’ve just told you to be honest and open, but you won’t feel comfortable doing that if you don’t think your partner will accept who you are.

Real trust comes when you can expose yourself and know that your partner respects you, feels for you, and champions you.

Trusting partners see your struggles and your assets, but they never use your deficits against you. They’re ready to help.

They have your best interest at heart and affectionately affirm who you are. And you can feel that.

5. Consistency

Something that happens often with couples is that they treat each other differently when around other people.

Your partner might be very accepting of you when you’re alone, but you go out with friends, and suddenly, they’re taking potshots at you in front of everyone. It’s all supposedly in jest, but it doesn’t feel that way.

Or they may become distant and ignore you while being more gregarious with other people. You feel a loss of connection.

Part of trust is knowing you can count on that connection regardless of whether you’re alone or with other people.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t ups and downs; sometimes, you feel more connected than at other times.

But overall, there’s trust that you are connected and committed to each other and will do all you can to avoid causing either of you to feel ostracized or hurt.

Consistency means you can count on the other person to act and behave consistently toward you in every circumstance and change of environment.

6. Willingness to Communicate

We’ve already mentioned being open and exposing yourself as a trust factor.

In addition, being willing to communicate is part of trust.

You will discuss issues that arise with each other and not withhold information that may cause the other person to feel confused or worried.

You’re both willing to hear the other person out without being afraid.

Fear can result from your inner desire not to expose yourself, which is something you have to work on. But it can also be in response to the other person’s reactivity.

If your partner tends to blow up and attack you, you’ll be afraid to say what’s on your mind.

Trust means making it safe for each other to express yourselves and be heard.

You want to know that you can tell your partner what’s bothering you and trust that they will do their best to understand and see it from your point of view—not necessarily agree with you, but consider how you see it.

People don’t generally think of trust as being involved in communication, but it is. Trust is an underpinning, and when you often dismiss what someone else says, thinks, and feels, trust erodes.

A willingness to communicate also means a willingness to listen with empathy and understanding. When solving problems, you’re looking for win-wins, not win-loses.

Can You Love Someone You Don’t Trust?

You can, but the depth of the love may be less intense, and your capacity to grow and deepen the relationship may be significantly impaired.

You might love from afar. Sometimes, you have a relative or good friend you love, but because of their problems and behavior, you can’t involve yourself intimately with them. Trust isn’t possible.

Love that develops over time and deepens happens within the framework of trust. Both grow and work together.

If you work diligently on building trust, you’ll improve all the other aspects of your relationship. It’s an excellent anchor to focus on because it strengthens love.

That’s all for today!

I hope you have very Happy Holidays!

All my best,

Barbara