Blog Short #210: How Do You Decide What You Most Want? (When You Want Everything!)
I have a friend who lives in a continual vortex of indecision. She’s unable to figure out what she wants, partly because she wants everything. Her world is a giant exercise in overstimulation and overwhelm.
I heard something recently that spoke to this problem. It came from Seth Godin during an interview with Marie Forleo.
He described a woman at an ice cream parlor who had to choose between 30 flavors for her ice cream cone. She could only choose one.
His comment was, “When you choose this, you can’t have that.”
In other words:
When figuring out what you want, you must also decide what you don’t want or want less.
You can’t have everything. To focus on something, pursue it, and succeed, you must let other things go. Sometimes, those other things are things you also want, but not as much as that one thing.
That brings us back to the original question.
What do you really want, and what do you have to give up to pursue it with the attention and focus required to make it happen?
This question can pertain to a career, relationship, spiritual pursuit, or being a parent.
How Do You Decide?
Seth Godin offers three ideas to help you decide what to pursue.
- Get very clear about your dream or goal. What will it look like when you succeed? Use specifics.
- What change do you wish to make for yourself?
- What contribution will it make? What do you have to offer that will meet others’ needs?
You can’t make good choices if you’re unclear about what you want to accomplish and what it will take to achieve it.
By answering these questions, you can evaluate more precisely whether this is something you can stay with for the long haul or something that you were initially excited about but, after more thought, would like to put on the back burner or abandon.
You’ll avoid hopping from thing to thing because you’re considering your long-term investment.
Now, let’s take a quick look at the attention bandits that prevent you from asking these questions and making good decisions.
The Variety Trap
We humans love novelty and variety.
You can have a burning interest in something, but if something else comes along that wows you, even temporarily, you get sidetracked.
Our brains are set up that way, and don’t the advertisers know it?
I struggle with this phenomenon all the time. I start a book I love and vow to finish, but then I get an email from Amazon dangling some new titles before my eyes, luring me in because Amazon knows what I like.
Before you know it, I’ve loaded a new book on my Kindle, and now I’m reading two books. I currently have three going, and if history is correct, I won’t finish them all.
When you allow yourself to cater to your natural tendency to seek novelty, you sacrifice the opportunity to get good at something or deepen your involvement in a worthy pursuit.
Decision Fatigue
This is a second trap. There are simply too many decisions to make every day, some of which can be avoided.
I grew up in the 1950s and 60s when computers, the internet, and cell phones were nonexistent. You had a phone on your kitchen wall and a car for getting around. Your TV was less than 19 inches wide, and you likely had a stereo system to play records or a radio.
If you wanted to talk to someone, you had to go see them. Communication was mainly face-to-face or on the telephone, but mostly face-to-face.
The most notable difference between that existence and our environment today is the amount of daily stimulation coming at you. Technology has made us accessible.
I had lots of open space to think, daydream, and relax.
Whereas today, stimulation comes at you (and me) relentlessly unless you manage to shut yourself away for a moment of respite.
Even when you do that, your mind speedily rolls along frenetically.
It’s like we’re living on speed, metaphorically, of course, but there are parallels.
Decision-making has increased exponentially with technology.
Daily, you decide what emails to read and respond to, podcasts to listen to, social media to engage with, shows to watch, and work to do.
Then there’s all the regular decision-making that comes with caring for yourself, your home, and your family.
Those decisions have also skyrocketed because of the increase in everyone’s activity levels.
You probably don’t recognize how many decisions you make in a day because it’s become automatic, nor how much energy it requires.
We’ve become master jugglers, but it’s much easier to drop the balls now because of the overload.
The Dopamine Push
Part of becoming the master juggler is imposed on you by the current tech-oriented culture.
But a second part of it comes from the addictive nature of dopamine.
The dopamine chant is “more is better.”
When you first get the hang of juggling, it’s exciting. But after a while, it’s boring, So you add more balls. Eventually, that’s boring, too. So you juggle knives. Now you’re rockin!
But then that becomes a little boring, so you move to torches that are on fire! Ooh, this is better!
The pay-off for increasing stimulation and the anticipation of more keeps that dopamine flowing, which gives you that temporary lift.
Unfortunately, this perpetual state of overstimulation creates too much arousal for your body and brain to handle.
When you pursue too many things, too much novelty, and fast-moving shiny objects, four things happen:
- You crash and feel completely exhausted and depleted.
- You create a cycle of significant bursts of energy followed by dips and a roller coaster of emotions.
- Lose your ability to focus on one thing at a time.
- Get worse at handling obstacles and problems that surface.
Caving into this kind of existence robs you of the drive and self-discipline to choose what’s most important to you and pursue it persistently so that you experience the rewards of living consciously, purposefully, and with deep satisfaction.
Back to What You Want
Here’s a three-step process to figure this out.
1. Make the list.
Write down all the things that are important to you. This list differs from what you’ll pursue; it’s everything you desire. You can include work, creative pursuits, relationships, health, spirituality, and hobbies. This is your wish list. It may also include things you’re already involved in.
2. Specify and narrow.
Take your list and turn it into actual, specific goals. What would you like to accomplish, and what does that look like? What would it take to reach them?
Your first list was a general outline on your canvas. Now, you’re filling in the shapes and colors on your canvas.
3. Weigh opportunity costs.
“Opportunity cost” means when deciding between several actions, what does pursuing one cost you in terms of the other, and which gets you the most bang for your buck?
In other words, you can’t do it all, so which of these goals will bring the most gratification and results you want, and which do you have to leave behind to pursue those you’ve chosen?
This step is the most significant and challenging because it involves letting go of things you want to do. You have to become very single-minded.
If you’re having trouble making choices, go through each goal or thing you want and ask yourself what obstacles you will encounter. Sometimes, that question helps to clarify things.
If you want to be a good Dad, attentive husband, writer, a top employee at work, and superior golfer, which of those is most important? What will it take to do them, and what do you need to let go of or change to make it work?
Marie Forleo calls this process “simplify to amplify.” It’s a perfect description and motto you can use for any goal or endeavor.
Full Circle
No matter what kind of goal or activity you want to excel in or make the most of, identifying precisely what you want will entail letting go of something else you want.
You can return to it later if you still want it, but don’t sacrifice focus on that most important thing by cluttering it with incoming stimuli and the anxiety of always wanting more or being afraid of missing out.
That’s all for today!
Have a great week!
All my best,
Barbara
Suggested Reading:
Essentialism by Greg McKeown
The One Thing by Gary Keller
Deep Work by Cal Newport