Blog Post #198: How to Increase People’s Receptivity to You
Photo by Jacob Wackerhausen, Courtesy of iStock Photo
If you want people to be receptive and to like you, there’s a simple question to ask yourself that will help you accomplish it.
The question is,
How do I make other people feel? What do I bring to our interactions, conversations, or time together?
Let’s turn the tables. Who do you want to be around, and why?
I guarantee your answer has to do with how you feel when you’re with them.
And that, my friend, is what you should zero in on if you want someone to be receptive and spend time with you.
Here are the things that will get you there.
1. What kind of emotions do you broadcast most?
Generally speaking, are they mostly negative, mostly positive, or some of each? How much of which?
Expressing both positive and negative feelings is normal and natural. It can be a way of showing vulnerability and creating intimacy for both people involved.
However, if you’re a chronic complainer, devil’s advocate, or always choosing subjects that are emotionally taxing and negative overall, you’ll push people away.
The only people likely to want to spend time with you will be those who are as negative or more so than you are, and you probably won’t want to be around them much.
It’s one thing to commiserate with someone about something important to you both, but it’s another to lean toward the negative most of the time, regardless of the situation or the person you’re talking to.
Ask yourself this:
Is what I’m talking about taxing the other person emotionally?
Watch their expressions as you talk, and notice their body language. Are they turning away from you, flinching almost imperceptibly, or shifting from foot to foot?
Body language can tell you more than anything said, so pay attention to it.
Signs that someone’s not enjoying the conversation are:
- Fidgeting
- Avoiding eye contact
- Facing to the side or away
- Taking a deep breath as if to fortify themselves
- Glazing over
If you see any of those signs, switch gears!
Pay attention to how the other person reacts to you, and keep paying attention throughout the conversation.
2. How genuine is your interest in the other person, and do you show it?
When you’re genuinely interested in someone, you say things and ask questions that reflect your curiosity about them.
It feels to them like you want to know who they are and what they think and feel. They sense your engagement and reciprocate.
Doesn’t it feel good when someone seems interested in you and responds positively to who you are?
Be sure that you provide that same feeling for the other person.
3. Above all, listen!
Very often, when people come to see me for therapy, what they want more than anything is to be heard.
And not just their words.
They want me to listen to and understand the feelings behind their words.
They want to feel connected, cared about, and valued.
The way to make someone feel those things is to listen carefully with your whole being.
You must put other thoughts and concerns aside and focus your full attention on understanding. Listen and hear with an open mind what’s going on in that person’s heart and mind.
Also, be sure to focus more on the other person than on yourself. Start that way, and the whole conversation will flow more easily.
4. Show some vulnerability.
If this is a person you want to connect with, show some vulnerability yourself.
You don’t have to share all your fears and issues, but when they reveal something about themselves, you can reciprocate, especially if you’ve had an experience that’s similar or that resonates with what they’re telling you.
Unless someone is attention-seeking, they don’t feel comfortable being the only one to express something personal. They want to know about you, too.
That sort of back-and-forth creates a stronger connection.
Here’s an example.
I recently talked to a woman who walks in my neighborhood every morning with her dog around the same time I walk. We usually exchange a few words of greeting.
But this one morning, I stopped and asked more about her dog, and we got on the subject of aging dogs and going through the process of their dying.
She told me a story about losing one of her dogs and expressed how painful it was. I shared a similar story about losing my Dachsie.
I didn’t talk for long, but I could feel us bonding over these stories because we both understood what it felt like to lose a pet you love.
You don’t have to talk about something that serious. It can be a similar opinion or interest you share. But let the other person in.
Share something personal, and the connection will expand.
5. Avoid doing a monologue.
I just said you should share something personal, and that’s true, but at the same time, make sure you don’t get long-winded and go off on a monologue.
You can always tell when someone is chafing in that situation if you watch their body language.
Make sure you keep an exchange by participating without monopolizing.
6. Use humor.
Humor is one of the best connectors, and when you use it with ease, you immediately increase receptivity unless the person you’re talking to has no sense of humor or is upset about something else not having to do with you.
Most people respond well to humor and will participate if you say something. It can be a very off-handed comment without any intent, but still, it cuts through formality and awkwardness. That’s assuming, of course, it’s funny!
I laugh thinking about this because sometimes people’s humor is so dry or cheeky that the person on the receiving doesn’t get it. That in itself is funny!
7. Exude confidence and warmth.
“What? But, I’m an introvert! It takes me a while.”
Yeah, me too, but I’ve learned how to do it.
When you meet someone, make eye contact, smile like you mean it, and speak with confidence. Above all, keep your expression open and warm.
People can feel your feelings, even if they don’t register it consciously.
I’m sure you’ve met people with whom you felt immediately comfortable. It’s because they seem genuinely happy to meet you, and they’re accepting, warm, humble yet confident, and easy to converse with. This is true even if you’re shy or introverted.
That’s how you want to make someone feel when they meet you. The same applies when talking to someone you know.
What if I don’t want to talk to this person?
When you meet someone or see someone you don’t want to spend time with, you don’t need to go out of your way to converse with them.
This is especially true for people who are toxic to you. Avoid or make your exit as quickly as you can without being offensive.
You don’t need to spend time with people who take advantage of you or are competitive and self-centered.
This article applies to people you want to talk to or when meeting new people.
I’ve listed several other articles below that may help you achieve some of the things we’ve discussed today. Take a look at them if you like, especially the one about “whole being listening.”
That’s all for today.
Have a great week!
All my best,
Barbara
Suggested Reading:
Be an Empathetic Detective to Improve Your Relationships
How to Truly Connect with Someone: Whole Being Listening
How to Make Small Talk if You’re an Introvert