Photo by supersizer

I don’t know how many of you have children, or how many have grown children, but even if your children are not yet adults, you can still benefit from this article.

First, let me say that I am a parent of an adult child, and I have many siblings who also have adult children, so we often talk about this issue.

If you have grown kids who hold resentment toward you for things that occurred while growing up, or if they’re in the habit of blaming you for some of their issues, here are some things you might try to heal the rift.

Start with a Conversation

Have a frank conversation with your adult child and listen to what they have to say with an open mind.

You can initiate the conversation yourself if you like. Pick a good time, let them know you want to talk to them, and say something like:

“I know there are some things I did (or didn’t do) when you were growing up that have bothered you, and maybe you have some resentments or still wrestle with them. I’d like to give you a chance to talk about them. I want to hear your thoughts and understand how you feel. Maybe there’s a way to make things better.”

That’s just a generic opening. You may know specifically what your adult child is resentful about, and you can speak to that directly.

You may not think there are any issues. In that case, you could simply say that you’re interested in hearing about how they experienced their childhood and wonder if there are any issues they’d like to revisit.

But before you talk, check your mindset.

The Right Mindset

To have this conversation, you must be willing to listen without defending yourself.

That’s not easy, but it’s very necessary if you want the conversation to be productive. You need the whole picture, and to get that, you have to be receptive to seeing things through their lens, not yours.

In other words, approach the investigation with an open heart and an open mind. That’s a tall order, especially if you:

• Think their view is distorted
• Think you did your best, and they don’t understand
• Feel attacked
• Feel defensive

The point of this conversation is not to point fingers or make you feel bad about your parenting. There’s no such thing as a perfect parent.

Your goal is to reach a mutual understanding of what happened, why it occurred, and what was going on at the time. And then create some resolution.

To do that, you need to give full rein to your child’s thoughts and feelings without interrupting or counteracting.

You’ll be able to respond in time, but initially, you need to sit back and listen, ask questions for clarity, and do your best to understand their narrative.

Should You Apologize?

Absolutely. For most kids, even adults, hearing a parent admit to problems or behaviors that caused them distress or pain is relieving. The validation itself is golden.

Two things happen:

1. Validation shows genuine empathy and caring towards your child’s thoughts and feelings, making them feel heard.
2. By admitting and apologizing for things you did, you’re showing your true concern for their well-being. You’re also modeling good behavior for them.

There’s another significant outcome for having these open conversations.

A Relationship Shift

Speaking with your adult child this way changes the structure of the relationship from one of authority to one where you meet in the middle.

And in so doing, you allow your adult child an opportunity to learn more about you as a human being, not just a parent.

They can see you as a person who has their own issues, losses, painful experiences, and backgrounds.

Making that transition also helps them take responsibility for their own problems and look inward, rather than relying on you to fix them.

This happens partly because you’re approaching them as adults, rather than just as parents. You are still the parent and always will be, but having honest adult conversations changes the playing field.

When you do that, you’re also subtly embracing your child’s autonomy to make decisions and carve out their life trajectory as they see fit.

It creates the proper foundation for you to be a support, but not the sole support, for their choices and actions.

Explanations versus Apologies

It’s never a good idea to invalidate the other person by explaining it away. That’s not an apology. Let the situation stand.

For example, when my son was in elementary school, I was quite ill. I had a long bout with the Epstein-Barr virus. I was a single parent and still held down a job to support us, but in the evenings, I could barely function. After dinner, homework, and some chat time, I would die on the couch in front of the TV, although I was barely watching. My son would entertain himself. We had a bath and bedtime routine each night, and then I would dive into bed myself after he drifted off.

I later learned during one of our adult conversations that he had felt alone and abandoned in the evenings during that time. He thought I preferred the TV to him.

He’d never said anything about it, but he’d felt it. I was, of course, horrified, and we spent a considerable amount of time discussing it.

Conversations like this are vital.

You may not know your child’s perception of situations and think that you’d managed them all right. Or, in some cases, you know you didn’t manage them well, and a conversation is needed to verify that fact for your child.

It is helpful to offer explanations when there is more information your child didn’t have or couldn’t understand at the time. But always apologize for the pain caused.

Genuine apologies from a parent are powerful for several reasons.

1. Correct distortions.

First, they help correct distorted thoughts about past events, and with that, distorted feelings and ideas your child may have internalized.

For instance, my conversation with my son helped him dispel feelings of being abandoned or not being important enough. It was a sad conversation, but the recognition of those truths stuck and changed his perceptions of both of us.

2. Reveal hidden feelings.

Secondly, you never know what’s lurking in your child’s mind that affects how they feel about themselves, even years later.

Open conversations not only heal your relationships but also address the negative feelings your kids may have internalized about their worth or importance.

3. Promote self-revelation.

Third, these conversations offer you an opportunity to reveal more about yourself.

Sometimes you talk about your growing-up years and things you experienced, which gives your kids a chance to understand you better and learn more about their heritage.

They learn about things you struggled with growing up and how they’ve affected you. They hear more about their grandparents and other extended family members. They feel more a part of your world.

Do make sure not to take over the conversation and focus primarily on yourself. However, some self-revelation that illustrates something your adult child is working on or suffering with is very helpful and eye-opening.

Overall, these kinds of conversations shift the relationship up and promote connection.

The Best Outcome

When you successfully have conversations like this with your kids, they’re able to release some of the resentments they’ve been holding on to.

This new understanding clears the way for them to begin working on themselves with new energy. They feel reconnected, more supported, and loved, which is in itself a healing experience.

You’re still a parent, but a different kind of parent. You’re an ally and support for their adult endeavors. They can talk to you.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Related articles:

How to Truly Connect With Someone: Whole Being Listening
Be an Empathetic Detective to Improve Your Relationships
7 Tips to Improve Your Communication Skills

Photo by seb_ra

Sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it? Yes, it does, but let’s come back to that in a bit. Let’s start by considering this question:

“Are you a stimulation junkie?”

In other words, do you need to be busy all the time to keep yourself emotionally comfortable?

The tell is that if you become anxious or even antsy when you have nothing to do, you’ve probably become somewhat addicted to stimulation.

It’s hard to live in our digital culture and not succumb to that.

Stimulation is served up every moment via your phone. And then there’s social media and a constant influx of news whether you want or not, not to mention endless chores to be done.

We’ve increased our workloads and expectations of ourselves.

So, where does all that leave you? Feeling tired, often overwhelmed, and sometimes burned out.

Although the environment you live in makes it challenging to create space to avoid burnout, you have choices. You can make that space if you want it.

This is where boredom comes in. There are six ways boredom can help you recover your balance. And in the process, help you accomplish more. You wouldn’t think that would be true, but it is.

Let’s start with definitions.

What is Boredom?

Boredom occurs when you feel understimulated and disengaged.

Conversely, when you’re fully engaged in an activity, your mind is focused and absorbed. But once you complete it, your brain reverts to your default network.

Think of it as having your foot fully pressed on the gas pedal when you’re moving, and then coming to a stop and letting the engine run idle. Nothing seemingly happens when you’re idling, but the engine’s still operating, although differently than when you’re moving.

Many people feel uncomfortable in the default network because when you’re stuck in idle, your mind wanders, and emotions arise without permission.

In this state, you may become bored because you’re not fully engaged in an activity, and there’s a lack of external stimulation.

However, there is much value in this state of mind. Let’s explore.

1. Restoration and Rest

Our brains have limits on how much stimulation they can handle at once. When we overload ourselves, our brains become exhausted and less efficient.

Boredom allows your brain to rest, although not in the same way as sleep does. It puts you in a state of “restful wakefulness” where there is still conscious activity.

And therein lies the problem, because you’re aware of boredom and have to struggle to deal with how it feels. The key is to use that awareness.

2. Self-Reflection

When you’re bored and operating in default mode, you focus inward instead of outward.

Your thoughts turn toward yourself. Existential questions and concerns pop up. You reflect on your life, where you are, your purpose.

Does your current life align with who you want to be, your values, or your aspirations?

When you’re busy all the time, you don’t have the bandwidth to consider these questions. You’re focused on “doing” rather than “reflecting.”

But when you have nothing to do or no outside stimulation, your mind naturally goes there.

You may initially feel uncomfortable if these are questions you’d rather avoid or if the answers are unsatisfactory. However, spending time in reflection is the first step toward making changes.

That leads us to the next benefit.

3. Increased Creativity

When you’re bored, your mind tends to wander. You reflect on the past and imagine the future. You might conjure up future scenarios or ideas about what you’d like to do.

For example, when I was sitting on the couch the other day and feeling bored, I imagined a vacation in France. It was a rather elaborate fantasy because I had pictures in my mind from travel videos, and experiences I’d heard from family members who had been there.

That’s one of the real benefits of being lost in the default mode for a while: your subconscious connects dots for you between pieces of information and experiences you have stored away. It consolidates those memories so you can access and use them.

It was quite a delightful fantasy, and perhaps I’ll make it happen!

The point here is that boredom allows mind-wandering, which can piece together information, emotions, ideas, and experiences to create something new that’s more reflective of your true desires and values.

4. Problem-Solving

Likewise, boredom helps you come up with new solutions to old problems.

Sometimes this occurs while you’re doing something that doesn’t require much mental engagement, like taking a shower. I’m sure you’ve had the experience of coming up with solutions to problems or new ideas while in the shower.

The same thing can happen when you’re sitting on the couch staring outside, or doing something mechanical like mopping the kitchen floor. Neither of those activities requires much brain power, so your mind is free to wander.

More importantly, solutions often won’t come up when you overfocus and stress over a problem. You apply too much mental strain, which blocks the power of your imagination and stifles your subconscious from helping you connect the dots.

5. Resetting goals.

Setting goals is a more focused activity, but it’s also an internal task that works best when you’re relaxed and able to take your mind off the tight leash required for focused tasks.

To reset your goals, you need to reflect again on your purpose, meaning, desires, and values. It’s challenging to do when you’re actively engaged in a focused activity.

In fact, the busier you are, the more likely you are to stray away from goals because busyness takes you further away from the bigger picture.

Boredom allows new ideas to surface, which may motivate a change of goals, streamlining, or taking entirely new directions.

When you’re bored, novel ideas arise. You become more curious and more likely to challenge the status quo.

6. Increased self-regulation.

You would think that being bored would reduce your self-discipline. It can if you’re chronically bored, but if you use boredom in the ways we’ve been discussing, it actually helps you learn to delay gratification.

Instead of getting that immediate dopamine hit from the phone in your hand, you learn to be quiet and wait. You’re comfortable with thinking, reflecting, and creating with your imagination. You can self-entertain.

How Do You Cultivate Boredom?

In a few words, be quiet.

Start by reducing the time you spend looking at your phone.

The smartphone is the greatest enemy of boredom, and with it, self-awareness, self-reflection, imagination, and ultimately, focus.

The cell phone is the drug that stimulation junkies use.

Don’t get me wrong – I love my cellphone. And, it’s extremely useful. However, the automatic desire to pick it up and look at it when I’m bored is problematic. It is for everyone.

Become aware of moments when you can be quiet without accessing your phone.

Drive your car without listening to anything. Sit idly at home with your phone across the room, where you can’t easily access it. Watch TV without playing on your phone or computer at the same time. Go on an errand and leave your phone at home.

You can start with smaller steps, like not pulling out your phone when waiting for something. Most of us will reach for our phones at a red light or while standing in the checkout line. We quickly scan our email or social media.

All of that extra stimulation creates mental clutter. It slows you down and wears you out. It makes you less efficient, not more. And more anxious, which most people don’t realize.

The more you get comfortable with boredom and quiet, the better you’ll be able to focus when you want to. And, you’ll break your addiction to constant stimulation. You’ll also be more aligned with your goals, values, and purpose.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week! There’s a little touch of Fall in the air. Enjoy it!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Nguyen Dang Hoang Nhu​

One thing? Really? Numerous things affect our emotions, so how is it that “one thing” has the “biggest” impact?

Because it does.

That one thing is: “How you interpret what happens to you.”

You interpret everything that occurs in your life. Some things in depth, and others very fleetingly. It depends on how it affects emotionally. Yet, even that’s open to interpretation.

Most of us are aware that we interpret things as they happen, but we do it automatically most of the time and don’t consider the impact it has. It’s huge!

What this means is that it’s important to monitor your interpretations because they determine the strength of your reactions.

It’s natural to interpret what happens, but not necessarily to monitor that process. We often omit that second step because it requires a different type of attention.

Today, I’ll guide you through that process so you can use it more effectively and take greater control of your life.

Meta-Cognition

Interpreting is an act of making assumptions or drawing conclusions about something.

When you interpret an action or experience, you’re assigning meaning to it. You’re deciding its significance and how it will affect you.

If you did it intentionally and with deliberation, you would be asking and answering these questions:

• How does this directly impact me?
• What’s the emotional significance?
• How is it affecting other people who are important to me?
• What action is required, if any?
• What does it mean for the future?
• How serious is it?
• How much mental and emotional space is it taking up in my mind?
• Is it ongoing, or can I do something and then let it go?

You can tell if something has a small or bigger impact on you, depending on the amount of energy you expend thinking about it.

Things with little impact come and go. You notice them, have a minor reaction, and then dismiss them.

But if you ruminate and can’t stop thinking or talking about something, or have intense emotional reactions to it, it becomes more significant.

In situations like this, your interpretation strongly affects how long and how deeply you remain focused on it.

This is when you need to pay attention and seriously consider how you’re interpreting your experience.

To do this, you need to use meta-cognition, which simply means “thinking about what you’re thinking.”

You need to observe from afar. There are two parts to this:

1. Identifying your thoughts and feelings regarding the situation
2. Looking at it with some distance and interpreting what it means

The Two Sides of Self-Awareness

The process I’ve just described is having self-awareness. However, there are two aspects of self-awareness, and we often focus primarily on only one of them, which is that first step: identifying what you’re feeling and thinking.

Much attention has been given to this first step because many people find it difficult.

You suppress uncomfortable feelings, deny things you don’t want to face or think you can’t, or defend yourself against what feels like an attack on your worth. That prevents you from accurately assessing your thoughts and feelings.

Much of psychology and psychotherapy focuses on removing suppression and denial and helping people identify what they’re struggling with. It’s a worthy goal, but it’s only half of the process.

Once you know what you’re thinking and feeling, you need to take the next step and review it. The review process involves evaluating:

• The accuracy of your impressions and assumptions
• Whether the meaning you’ve assigned fits in with the facts
• Whether or not your reaction is defensive
• What you might be ignoring, denying, or needing to address
• Whether you’re exaggerating, conflating, or overreacting
• What’s triggering you, if anything

That’s a lot to consider. You can usually condense those concerns down to a more singular question:

How accurate is my interpretation, and what’s the true emotional impact?

When you can fully answer that, you’ll know what the experience means to you and whether any action is necessary. You can then make a more informed decision about how to approach it.

Interpretation and Time-Consumption

It’s impossible to accurately measure how much time you spend interpreting what happens daily because interpretation is a cognitive process that goes on constantly.

What you do know is that every experience you have is open to your interpretation.

Interpretation is the single most crucial skill you have as a human, but how often do you evaluate its accuracy?

You just do without question, which can be dangerous because your emotional needs greatly influence it.

All right, let’s keep going.

The Audience

The “audience” is one of my favorite quirks that humans deal with.

Because we’re social beings who need others to witness and appreciate our lives, we create an internal audience.

This is fun to think about.

When you’re ruminating about something, do you get a sense that someone is watching or listening to you?

It might be yourself, but do you sometimes imagine an audience that’s hanging on your every word, or having certain thoughts about you? Be honest. It’s normal.

Not everyone does this, or is aware of it, but many people do.

The purpose of the audience is either to:

1. Protect your ego and help you feel more valuable or better about what’s happening, or
2. To serve as a critical panel that’s hot-seating you at the moment.

The audience reflects your feelings about yourself, your desires for recognition, or validation of your interpretations. It’s the group (or individual) that either affirms your narrative or challenges it.

But, either way, it’s you.

What’s humorous is that you can create entire worlds as you unfold your interpretations of how things are, and for better or worse, totally rewrite what is. If you’re a novelist, it’s a gift. If you’re a scientist, it’s not so helpful.

Regardless, it’s crucial to use your meta-cognition to carefully review the facts without exaggerating or rewriting them, so you can stay as close to reality as possible. That allows you to accurately understand what’s happening and what it means for you.

Story-telling is an integral part of life, as is imagination. It’s how we reach beyond ourselves to solve problems, dream, and evolve. But accurately interpreting the present is equally important.

You have to use the right approach for the right situation. When interacting with others and building relationships, accurate interpretation is the best approach.

Back to Strategies

The basic strategy is simple:

When you find yourself reacting or simply thinking about a situation, person, or something that’s happened, follow these steps:

1. Identify the facts of what happened first. Be very careful when you do this to remove your biases.
2. Identify your feelings about it. All of them.
3. Now, step back mentally and assess the accuracy of your perceptions. You may need to take some time to calm your emotions before doing this.
4. Finally, consider what it means for you and whether you need to take any action or give it further thought.

The most important part of this process is separating identifying your thoughts and feelings from evaluating and interpreting their accuracy and meaning.

Interpretation is often done so quickly and without any meta-cognition that we simply accept it and act on it. When you separate identification from evaluation, you significantly slow down the process and achieve greater accuracy in your interpretations.

The other benefits are that you can:

• Reduce rumination and overthinking
• Become more aware of your emotions and triggers
• Be more thoughtful and have more control over your behavior
• And be less reactive

The more you practice, the more automatic that process becomes. It saves you a lot of unnecessary emoting and pain in some instances.

Observe your interpretations for a week and see what you discover about yourself.

That’s all for today.

It’s nice to be back!  I hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Rhythm Goyal on Unsplash

Psychology’s reigning advice is to deal with trauma or intense emotions head-on. Avoidance is considered an unhealthy response, often resulting in negative backlash.

If something awful happens, schedule an appointment for therapy as soon as you can.

Isn’t that the usual go-to?

In some cases, that’s good advice, but not always.

Ethan Kross, author of Shift, suggests that using a direct approach is not always the best way to go. Sometimes, avoidance used strategically is a better tactic.

The reason for this is that trauma needs time to be absorbed and processed.

Trying to do it all at once gives it no breathing room to assimilate in a way that allows your life to proceed as you work through your emotions.

In other words, trying to talk it through right away and focusing on it until it’s resolved can make things worse.

Dr. Kross identifies three key elements that are involved in processing trauma. These are:

1. Use of time
2. Placing attention
3. Toggling between distraction and attention

Let’s start with how time helps.

Your Psychological Immune System

We have a psychological immune system similar to our body’s immune system.

In our bodies, our immune system fights off bacteria and viruses, and gobbles up free radicals, all to keep us healthy. Sometimes, it becomes overwhelmed or isn’t working up to par, and we get sick anyway, but most of the time, it’s doing its job.

The same applies to our minds.

Our psychological immune system protects us from overwhelming emotions that we can’t process all at once.

This is what’s going on when you can’t remember all the details of a traumatic or emotionally taxing experience. You might automatically deny it. Or suppress it.

Doing that gives you time to process what’s happening without becoming overwhelmed to the point you can’t function.

In these cases, your psychological immune system is protecting you from what’s too much.

You’ve likely had this experience. Something intense happens, and over time, little bits of memory come into focus that you didn’t recall initially. The more time that passes, the more you remember, and the greater your ability to handle it.

By temporarily suppressing, compartmentalizing, or distracting yourself from the emotional fallout you’re experiencing, your psychological immune system gives you the mental time and space you need to face the situation.

Grieving

A good example of this process is what happens to you when you’re faced with a severe loss and begin grieving.

If you’ve had that experience, you know that it’s a bumpy process.

You feel the loss acutely for moments or periods, then you become distracted, and it lets up for a while, followed by another episode of intensive grief.

Over time, the intensity of the grief subsides somewhat, and you’re able to handle your emotions more easily. However, it can take a lot of time.

A similar process occurs whenever you experience emotions that are too overwhelming to confront directly.

Again, your psychological immune system activates and helps you distribute your emotional reactions over time using distraction, compartmentalization, and suppression.

It provides the time you need to allow your emotions to lower in intensity and diminish so you can deal with them.

Isn’t Suppression Bad For You?

Normally, suppression isn’t a healthy strategy, but it can be helpful during the process of dealing with a trauma or experience that’s emotionally overwhelming. You suppress your emotions for some time until you can handle them.

Sometimes you deliberately use suppression to give your psyche time to digest overwhelming emotions, and later allow them to surface when some of the intensity has died down, making it easier to assimilate them.

With each period of distraction, the intensity lessens slightly until it becomes manageable again. As your emotions settle over time, more details come into focus, and you can deal with them.

The reality is that sometimes we permanently suppress memories. In those cases, it’s only problematic if doing so hinders us from leading a good life.

Certainly, people who have endured horrific experiences, such as the Holocaust, may not remember every detail, but they find a way to move forward and put their lives back together.

When Distraction and Suppression Aren’t Good Strategies

Dr. Kross identifies three indicators that your psychological immune system is overloaded and you need to address what’s happening now.

1. You can’t stop thinking about the situation. You’re caught up in thought-looping and obsessing, no matter what you try. Your thoughts are perpetually intrusive and won’t leave you alone.
2. You’re engaging in compulsive behaviors like substance abuse, gambling, overeating, or drug use.
3. You’re frantically looking for ways to fix the situation or for reassurance. You feel desperate to make everything okay and to ward off your negative emotions.

I would add another:

If you’re isolating yourself and feeling depressed to the point that you can’t manage daily self-care, or have suicidal ideation, then you need to get help and approach what’s happening rather than avoid it.

Avoidance is only helpful if you know you’re toggling back and forth between dealing with the situation and taking breaks from it to manage your life.

You’re aware that time is helping you come to terms with what’s happening to you, and you can see yourself slowly emerging from it. Often, this process happens automatically.

That’s not the same as becoming lost in it. When you lose your footing altogether for an extended period, you need to approach and face what’s happening. In this case, suppression is not helpful.

Not Just For Trauma

Using time to process emotions is an excellent strategy for any situation where you feel stuck.

This is why we sleep on problems. Allowing your subconscious to work on things, make connections in your mind, and provide more clarity helps you resolve an issue that you weren’t able to fix when you steadily kept your attention on it.

The same is true when learning something difficult.

I recently tried to learn how to use new video editing software. I read all the instructions and watched some videos about it, but I couldn’t fully understand it. I put it aside for a few days, then came back to it, and had better luck the second time. The third time I approached it, I got it.

Use time to your advantage, not only to help manage your emotions or cope with something extreme, like trauma or loss, but also to solve problems and learn new things.

Time allows your subconscious to do its best work.

When you’re consciously working on a problem but feel stuck, your subconscious scours through the memory files tucked away in the recesses of your mind and pulls out information that will help. It connects the dots for you. However, it needs time to do that.

You can only hold so much information in your conscious mind and working memory. The same goes for intense emotions. Your subconscious is your virtual assistant. Let it help you!

When you’re dealing with trauma, your subconscious and psychological immune system have your back.

With time, you will be able to process your emotions effectively, integrate the experience into your narrative, and ultimately minimize your triggers. So don’t feel like you have to do it all at once.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by A. C.​ for Unsplash+

I wish I felt better.
Why can’t I have a job like yours?
I’m always the one who has to take care of everything.
I’m bored to death. Life keeps giving me the same old same old.

Maybe none of these statements fit perfectly for you, but the idea here is about feeling stuck and lamenting it.

What’s the antidote?

Don’t lament. Take action and lean in!

What I’ve learned about people over the years of providing psychotherapy is that we all create narratives about how our lives are, then we complain about them, and often don’t take steps to make changes.

It’s normal. Everyone does this to some degree, so don’t feel chastised.

But, how do you get around it?

Obviously, by taking some action, but it’s not that simple.

First, you need to do a little psychological digging.

What’s Keeping You Where You Are?

The first step is to ask yourself what you gain by staying where you are.

If your first response is “NOTHING!”, think again. Step out a little and consider what you might be getting by staying put.

Here are some possibilities to consider.

• You don’t have to expend the emotional energy it will take to shake things up.
• You won’t have to deal with other people’s reactions to changes you want to make.
• Where you are is familiar. You’re used to it. There are no surprises to wrestle with.
• You can remain a victim of your circumstances, which is easier sometimes.
• You might fail if you try something different. Why take that risk?
• You hate conflicts and won’t have to deal with them.

Some or all of these may apply. You might think of others as you go through this exercise.

The value of asking these questions is that when you identify the psychological obstacles you contribute to the problem, it becomes easier to take action.

Otherwise, it feels like the battle is uphill because you’re fighting those obstacles without recognizing them, which gives them more power.

In most cases, we’re our own worst enemies because of our preconceived notions and defensive justifications included in our narratives.

Be honest. Don’t attack yourself. But take a good look at those obstacles without judgment.

I find it’s always helpful to ask these two questions when I get into a complaint fest with myself:

1. Who or what am I defending?
2. How is this letting me off the hook?

Recognize the Power of Your Stories

When you ruminate about the same things over and over, you give them power.

You magnify:

1. Your belief about what’s happening, including all the excruciating details.
2. And the power it has to affect you adversely.

Anything you think about repetitively and give attention to grows both in size and strength.

With each review, you infuse the narrative with more emotion. And emotions make it stick.

For example:

Let’s say a work colleague casually mentions that she wishes someone on our staff knew how to successfully write a grant. Now, I know that I’m considered a good writer by my colleagues and the boss. So when she says that, I feel offended and start ruminating at length in my mind. I work it up into a full story where I imagine she’s deliberately taking potshots at me, criticizing, and trying to humiliate me.

In this case, I’ve created a narrative that may have no basis in fact. Instead of confronting the issue by offering to write a grant or mentioning my experience in previously getting grants, I stew over it.

In that scenario, I’ve locked myself into a continuous cycle of complaints, with growing emotional fervor, without taking any action to address or rectify the issue.

You might do the same with a more serious problem that has a factual basis, such as ongoing issues with a partner. Yet there are actions you could take to address them or make improvements, but you don’t.

In some cases, you’ve exaggerated the facts or missed them altogether.

Check your stories for distortions, and notice how often you dwell on them.

That will give you a clear idea of the power you’re giving them, and help you gain some objectivity at the same time.

Take Action

Now we get to the good part. You’re going to do something that changes the narrative.

You’ve reviewed what’s keeping you where you are. You know the obstacles you face.

Now it’s time to choose a specific situation to work on and create a plan. Go through these steps to do that.

1. Imagine the end.

When you’ve resolved this issue, what will that look like? Be specific and write it down. How do you want things to be?

You need to know where you’re going before you lay out the steps to get there.

If you’re unsure what the end result will look like, start with a lesser goal and work your way up. Go as far back as you need to visualize something concrete and reachable.

2. Generate a list of actions.

What specific actions do you need to take to reach your end goal?

This is the step that people tend to skip the most. They create a goal in their mind and then start doing things with no plan.

When you go at it that way, you’re more likely to get lost and give up.

Also, remember that when you’re struggling with something that has an emotional impact, it becomes harder to perform the tasks because you fear fallout from other people’s reactions.

If you feel overwhelmed, get some help. Consider seeing a counselor or talking to a trusted friend or family member who can help you work through your fears and provide emotional support.

Emotions are what get in the way of taking action.

3. Take one step at a time.

Begin doing the tasks or actions you’ve listed in your plan. Do them one at a time and give yourself space to process each one as you go.

You’ll likely gain momentum as you experience the relief of moving toward your goal. If you find yourself taking a step backward, don’t lament. Start again and keep moving.

Also, stay flexible. If something isn’t working as you expected, go back and revise your plan. It’s more important to keep working on it and make adjustments when needed than to follow your original plan exactly.

4. Use a journal as you go through the process.

When everything remains in your head, it’s too close to see objectively. Getting it out on paper provides the mental space to clarify where you are and what you need to do next.

Journaling has consistently been shown to help reduce stress, manage emotions, and provide insights. It also reminds you when you’re sinking back into complaining.

The Hidden Benefit

The hidden benefit of learning to turn complaints into actions and solutions is that it becomes a regular habit.

Instead of getting lost in a sea of rumination and feeling stuck, you become skilled at finding solutions to problems. And you feel good about yourself. Your confidence grows.

A little complaining can help clarify what’s bothering you. But once you know what that is, don’t get stuck there. Use it as a launching pad.

You’ll get all these benefits:

• You become more self-reflective and emotionally intelligent.
• Your narratives are more accurate and provide clarity.
• You build confidence in yourself and strengthen your ability to steer your life.
• Other people show you more respect (because you respect yourself more).

Turn those chronic complaints into sparks for change. Start small and keep going.

That’s all for today.

Hope you have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by AntonioGuillem

Let’s start today’s article with a question: Is ADHD a real thing?

Some people think it’s just a description for people who have a hard time managing their lives, but there’s not really anything wrong with them that should prevent them from getting it together.

Others, especially those who have ADHD, know it’s more than that.

The scientific answer to the question is that it’s very real. There are distinctive brain differences for people with ADHD that significantly affect their executive functioning.

Executive functions include things such as attending, making decisions, planning, focusing, and executing tasks. They’re seated in the prefrontal cortex in the front part of your brain, and are associated with the ability to be objective, think critically, be rational, and practice self-observation.

People with ADHD aren’t able to access their executive functions efficiently, and when they do, it’s in tandem with constant intruding stimulation that easily pulls them away from attending.

Today, I’ll provide a brief overview of strategies that someone with ADHD can use to help manage distractions and also review some of the brain processes that get in the way.

If you don’t have ADHD, you may still take advantage of these strategies to help you focus at will.

The Two Brain Networks

Last week, I discussed two modes of mental operation that we use when thinking. These are the task-positive network and the default mode network.

To quickly summarize, the TPN (task-positive network) is in operation when you are focused and engaged in doing a task. You’re in control.

The DMN (default mode network) is in operation when your mind is wandering. It’s more like free-floating, where thoughts and emotions arise without volition. This is the mode where imagination, creative thinking, and ruminating are in operation.

Normally, when someone is operating in the TPN (doing a task), their DMN shuts off. There’s no interference. You can attend, focus, and immerse yourself deeply in your work until you decide to stop.

For the person with ADHD, the DMN never shuts off. Even when they get into the TPN, they have constant competing thoughts coming in from the DMN. It’s like trying to work with static in the background. Often, noisy static.

This is why someone starts a task, gets sidetracked by something that pops into their mind, and loses focus altogether, only to realize later that they have been distracted from the task they had set out to do and are now totally immersed in something else.

It reminds me of kids going through the check-out line at the grocery store with their moms. They know they’re supposed to be quiet and still while the groceries are bagged and Mom pays.

However, as they walk through the aisle, there’s a whole stand of candy and snacks at eye level, and they become completely distracted by it. A kid with ADHD will likely start picking things up, and some may open them. It’s simply too much stimulation to bypass.

The DMN is like the candy stand.

This phenomenon of constant distraction via the DMN has been validated through the use of MRIs, which show the differences in neuron firing in the brains of people with ADHD and those without it. It’s real.

The second thing to note about the TPN and DMN is that usually, we can toggle back and forth between them. And, when in the DMN, we can toggle easily between the past and the future.

However, the person with ADHD has a faulty switch, and toggling doesn’t occur smoothly. Instead of an easy back and forth between past and future, and controlled movement from TPN to DMN, everything becomes jumbled together.

No wonder it’s hard to focus!

Hyperfocusing

A second problem to mention is the tendency of people with ADHD to hyperfocus. This ability is what confuses people about ADHD.

If you have children with ADHD, you know they can spend hours in front of a video game while the house is on fire without noticing it. That’s because when the stimulation is potent and fast, they can become so focused that they don’t hear or see anything else.

It’s not the same as being in a state of flow. It’s a heightened kind of tension and intensity. Being in a state of flow is a relaxed state. Hyperfocus is not. It’s more like cocaine.

Video games, in particular, are designed to provide a steady stream of novelty and stimulation, producing ever-increasing hits of dopamine. That’s why they’re so appealing to someone with ADHD.

The issue for a person with ADHD is not a lack of attention. It’s that they have a racecar brain with faulty brakes.

Think of a car out of control as opposed to one operating smoothly between the gas pedal and brakes.

There’s a lot more to know about ADHD, and I recommend the book ADHD 2.0 by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey for further reading. It’s fascinating! And the research is both compelling and thorough.

The Strategies

But for now, let’s go through some strategies you can try.

1. Interrupt the DMN

When you catch yourself off on some tangent instead of doing the task you set out to do, get up. Do something physical that interrupts your wandering mind.

Thinking about it won’t help. You can do jumping jacks, take a short walk, clean something up, put a load of clothes in the washer, take a shower, or step into another room.

Do something that physically distracts you back into observing yourself so you can access your prefrontal cortex again and get back to task.

By the way, exercising of any kind helps increase dopamine, which helps you attend and focus.

Studies have shown that kids who exercise on a treadmill for 30 minutes in the morning before math class have significantly higher scores on standardized math tests than those who don’t exercise first (Ratey). A friend of mine used to jump rope for 30 minutes before taking exams in college and got much better grades as a result.

2. Make a Task Stack

Instead of a long list of all the things you have to do, create a stack of index cards – or pieces of paper – and on each one, write one single task.

When you have about five of them or less, stack them in the order you want to do them. Take the top one, do the task, tear it up, and toss it. Now take the next one. Only look at the one task you’re working on. That’s key.

You can make a bigger stack and go at it over the day, but be careful not to insert too much time between tasks because if you have ADHD, you won’t come back to the stack. Better to make several stacks and tackle one at a time.

You can use this strategy even if you’re not struggling with ADHD.

It’s a good way to reduce anxiety and overwhelm and stay single-minded while completing a task.

You can still keep that big list somewhere so you don’t forget anything. But use the stacks for doing the work.

3. Balance Exercises

Balance is a function of the cerebellum, which consists of two small lobes located at the back and base of the brain. It‘s responsible for your physical balance and spatial perception.

However, research has demonstrated that it also impacts your emotional equilibrium.

“It helps to preserve emotional and cognitive stability by sending out small signals that do not rise to the level of consciousness” (Hallowell).

MRI studies have shown that the central strip down the midline of the cerebellum, which is called the vermis, is slightly smaller for people with ADHD.

However, because the cerebellum is highly plastic, exercising it can enhance its functioning.

As such, you can improve your ADHD symptoms by engaging in balancing exercises like practicing Yoga, Tai Chi, or martial arts. You can also do simple things like:

• Standing on one leg until you feel like you’re going to fall over
• Standing on a wobble board for as long as you can
• Sitting on an exercise ball with your feet off the floor
• Doing a plank and holding for up to three minutes
• Try to put your socks on standing up

(Note: Dr. Hallowell used these exercises with a young boy who had severe ADHD and successfully improved his symptoms as a result.)

4. Play to Strengths

People with ADHD are more sensitive to criticism.

Partly this is due to having received negative feedback repeatedly over time because of difficulties with executive functioning.

They tend to be distractible, lose track of time, impulsive, hyperactive, and struggle to focus on tasks. And they get in trouble for it.

At the same time, they’re often very creative, imaginative, innovative, enthusiastic, empathetic, and can think outside the box.

It’s essential to approach yourself (if you have ADHD) by playing to your strengths while developing strategies to enhance your executive functions.

Shaming is the worst strategy because it not only ignores the reality of what someone with ADHD struggles with, but it will sink them and lead to depression and self-deprecation.

1. Play to your strengths.
2. Stay connected with people who love and care about you.
3. Educate yourself on the best methods for enhancing your braking ability while maximizing your racecar performance.

You have a lot to offer. Don’t forget that.

Just a note: Medication is another strategy I didn’t address today, but it can be beneficial in some cases. If you want to read more about that, see Chapter 8 in ADHD 2.0.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

_FOOTNOTES

_{Hallowell, E. M. & Ratey, J. J. (2021). ADHD 2.0: New Science and Essential Strategies for Surviving with Distraction – – from Childhood through Adulthood. Ballantine Books.}

_{Ratey, J. J. & Hagerman, E. (2008). Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain. Little, Brown and Company.}

Photo by Alistair MacRobert on Unsplash

If people trust you, everything is easier. You get better jobs, your intimate relationships are stronger, your kids feel cared for, and friends value your friendship.

Even if you already think that you’re trustworthy, it’s a good idea to take a quick assessment of the following habits and practices and measure your behavior against them.

No one’s perfect, and most of us have areas that still need improvement. Having the list will help you figure out where you need to make some changes.

This article is a companion piece to a previous article titled “9 Characteristics of Trustworthy People.“ ​That article provides an overview, but in this article, we’ll delve more specifically into behaviors.

1. Keep confidentiality.

You might say, “Of course!” But it’s not that easy, especially in families or among close friends. We all talk about each other. It’s normal.

However, the people you’re closest to want to know that they can tell you something and you’ll keep it to yourself, even if they haven’t specified it. You intuitively know it would upset them if you were to disclose it, so you don’t.

You understand how they would feel if you were to discuss their secrets with others. Embarrassed, exposed, weakened in others’ eyes, or having to explain themselves to people who don’t need to know.

No matter your intention, it’s a betrayal, and once done, it puts a dent in the trust between you.

If you believe the issue needs to be addressed with others, then state that upfront. Don’t promise to keep confidentiality and then decide later that you can’t uphold that promise.

If you’re not sure going in, make that clear also. Strive to agree on who needs to know if that applies.

2. Don’t use personal information someone has divulged to you against them later.

This is a big one with lots of emotional fallout.

When someone shares something about themselves that they see as a weakness or vulnerability, they want to know you won’t use it against them later. This is especially true with couples and family members.

For example, my husband and I are both psychotherapists, so you can imagine the things we’ve shared about our backgrounds and psychological issues we’ve each had to address. Consequently, we’re very careful not to use that knowledge against each other when having disagreements. Doing so would be damaging.

You must keep personal disclosures separate from disagreements or arguments and avoid saying something in anger that touches a sensitive subject or emotional sore spot.

If you don’t, your partner (or whoever) will start closing up and not trust you with vulnerable information.

Using someone’s vulnerability against them is a betrayal and erodes trust.

The closer and more vulnerable you become with someone, the more trust becomes a focus.

3. Follow through.

Whatever you promise to do, do it! And if you can’t, let the other person know as soon as possible.

Your reason should make sense, and you should have a plan to make good on it.

The closer you get to someone, the easier it is to take them for granted. If you tend to run late, and they know that about you, what’s the big deal? You’ll get there eventually, and they know you will.

The big deal is that it shows a lack of respect and care for their time.

If you don’t follow through on things, you show a lack of consideration and care for the other person’s feelings, along with a lack of respect.

You may not mean any of that, but taking advantage of someone’s understanding and patience with you has consequences. If done a lot, resentment builds, even if not verbalized, and seeps into trust.

Some people have no trouble being on time, showing up, and following through; however, others struggle with these issues, especially those who are genuinely ADHD. I’ll discuss this next week.

For now, if you or someone you care about faces this challenge, it’s important to discuss it and develop strategies before it affects your relationship and trust.

4. Don’t keep secrets.

Secrets in relationships have a way of surfacing sooner or later, and, in most cases, aren’t well received.

If you’re keeping secrets from your partner, older kids, or friends, examine your reasons. Ask yourself:

1. What am I afraid of?
2. What will happen if I’m found out?
3. What are my reasons (other than fear)?

It’s normal not to say everything you’re thinking and feeling. However, when building a close relationship based on trust, you should be able to express your thoughts and feelings as long as you’re respectful.

Closeness and self-disclosure go together. The closer you are, the more you reveal the intimate details of who you are, what you value, your struggles, and your aspirations.

Keeping secrets can feel dishonest and undermine trust. Plus, it’s stressful to hide things from someone you care about because there’s the fear that you’ll be discovered, and then what?

If you’re in a committed relationship and want to build trust, be open and honest, and don’t keep things from your partner. That’s assuming, of course, that you can trust them too.

5. Be there.

There are many ways to be there for someone. Any of these apply.

• Be emotionally available and accessible. Share your feelings openly and encourage the same for the other person.
• Show interest and concern by talking, touching, checking in regularly, and paying close attention.
• When spending time together, be present. Pay attention to the other person unless you’ve both agreed to do your own thing while together. That can be comfortable too, if agreed upon.
• Spend enough physical time together to satisfy each other’s needs. This applies to couples, family members, friends, and especially parents and their children.

Knowing that someone wants to be with you and is concerned about what you need is a significant part of trust.

6. Avoid lying.

Lying is implied in all of the above factors but deserves a category of its own.

Lying erodes trust faster than anything else. Even little white lies told to avoid arguments have an adverse effect.

You might put off discussing something for a better time, but lying outright will almost always backfire.

You want to feel secure that what your partner, friend, or family member is telling you is true. And you’d prefer not to have to question that. This applies to your boss or work colleagues as well.

Children will naturally lie to you sometimes out of fear or to see how far they can go. However, you still teach them that lying is wrong and damages your trust in them. It also goes both ways: lying to your children erodes their trust in you as well.

Practice telling the truth if you tend to fudge things or tell white lies. If you grew up with abusive parents, you might have learned to lie to stay safe, and that makes sense. But as an adult, it’s not a healthy habit.

Two Key Guiding Principles

The key guiding principle to building and maintaining trust in any relationship is to gauge how your behavior will affect the well-being and feelings of the other person. In other words, empathy.

A second focus is contact. By that, I mean emotional contact and physical presence. Both are necessary for building trust, as well as for intimacy and closeness.

Nothing takes the place of being in each other’s presence while emotionally available.

Strive for both and follow the guidelines above, and you’ll build trust, commitment, and growing affection simultaneously.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Roman Bilik on Unsplash

Have you ever gotten caught in a negative thought storm about someone you know and wished you could just let it go, but you can’t? It replays, and replays, until you’re sick of it.

It’s like you can’t help it. You think about it, catch yourself, move on to something else, but it creeps back in without permission.

There are reasons why this happens. Knowing them helps you decide which solutions to use to stop the onslaught.

Let’s start with one of the more obvious ones.

You Don’t Want to Confront It

If the complaint is about someone you have an ongoing relationship with, it’s likely something you need to address. Or, at the very least, come to terms with.

It’s common to ruminate about your partner’s faults, your kids’ issues, your boss’s annoying behaviors, and even sometimes your friends’ idiosyncrasies.

If the thing you keep mulling over is something that directly affects you, and you can’t make peace with it, it’s time to confront it.

If you’re not sure if you should do that, start by asking yourself these two questions:

1. How does this behavior directly affect me? Is it something that’s causing me distress or harm, or just something I don’t like?
2. Is it simply a personality characteristic that gets on my nerves but isn’t causing me harm?

That’s an important distinction. You can be very bothered by someone’s personality quirks, but they don’t cause you any real harm or impact you other than to irritate you.

In other cases, the issue is real and has a significant impact on you.

For example, if someone is highly critical, yells frequently, or takes advantage of you, then a conversation is warranted, along with setting clear boundaries.

But if they like to sit in the same chair every night and read the newspaper, and it annoys you, that’s not something that hurts you. It’s more idiosyncratic.

Decide whether you need to speak up, and if not, work on letting go.

You might let it go, even if it impacts you, if the person in question isn’t someone you want to continue spending time with. You may decide it’s not worth the emotional energy to confront it.

Either way, take some action to resolve it so you can stop ruminating about it.

The Issue is Something You Struggle With

This one may not be so obvious, but it’s worth considering.

If you find yourself going over and over the same complaints in your mind about someone, stop for a moment and ask yourself if anything you’re complaining about is something you do or struggle with.

Maybe not. But take enough time to seriously consider that question without feeling defensive about it.

It’s not uncommon to do this. And you shouldn’t be hard on yourself about it.

It means that you’re noticing something that requires some thought and likely some change, even though you haven’t yet taken ownership of it.

We all do this. You can thank your subconscious for bringing it to your attention through a side door.

It’s humbling, but it promotes your growth. Welcome it and use it to your advantage.

What’s It To You?

Why are these issues so important to you that they occupy your mind often?

One of the more common answers to this question is that there is some historical significance.

Either it’s reminiscent of something in your past that remains unresolved, or it reminds you of someone from your history with whom you struggled and felt powerless to escape or confront.

History is a confounding influence because we often repeat our early experiences in our adult lives, sometimes without conscious awareness.

You grew up with a nagging parent and find yourself doing the same thing, or you marry someone who micromanages you.

We subconsciously gravitate toward what’s familiar. Even if “familiar” was abusive or crushing or left us feeling unseen and unloved.

It’s one of the conundrums as adults that’s so bothersome.

If you’re ruminating about something, ask yourself what it reminds you of. Not just the behavior, but also the dynamics and the effects.

Someone may not be anything like your parent, but the way they treat you has similar dynamics to those that occurred between you and your parent.

For example, you could be married to someone who seems nothing like your Dad, but the way he distances himself from you is similar to your Dad’s aloofness. It evokes the same feelings of neglect and insignificance.

The dynamics are the same, even if the personalities are different. And the way it makes you feel is the same.

These triggers are potent and can bring on repetitive ruminations for hours.

If you find yourself having conversations in your head, telling someone off, or explaining why you’re upset, then have a real conversation.

Alternatively, you can discuss it with someone else first, such as a counselor, if you need to.

The Default Mode Network (DMN)

When you’re ruminating without intention, in other words, your mind is wandering without your volition, you’re in the default mode network.

Let’s back up. There are two mental modes we operate from.

1. The first is called the task-positive network (TPN). In this mode, your focus is deliberate and channeled toward your intended task. You’re in control of this mode.
2. The second mode is the default-mode network (DMN). In this mode, your mental activity is not deliberate. It’s activated by associations you’re not consciously guiding. It’s happening to you rather than you making it happen.

The DMN is the mode where you can daydream or have creative thoughts that pop up in your mind.

It’s also the mode where your past can intrude into your thinking and pull you back to experiences you’ve had, both positive and negative. Or it can catapult you into the future, where you imagine what could be or how things might go.

The DMN is a valuable part of our mental facility because it’s where we access our creativity and imagination. It’s where outside-the-box ideas come from. We need it.

However, if you have something gnawing at you that you can’t resolve, it crops up unbidden in your mind when you’re in the DMN, which is anytime you’re not in task mode.

And sometimes, it happens when you’re doing something that doesn’t require all of your focus, like folding laundry or cooking a meal.

You need your DMN, but when you get stuck in a maze of repetitive complaints or worries, take a moment to readjust and use the questions we outlined above.

Is it something related to the past, a worry you’re catastrophizing, or an issue you need to have a conversation about with someone?

Flip to the task-positive mindset (TPN), which you’ll do as soon as you ask the questions. Those questions pull your mind back into the prefrontal cortex, where your executive functions live: attending, making decisions, planning, focusing, and doing. Then, you can decide how to proceed.

All Together

Getting stuck in a critical rant about someone or something isn’t in your best interest, but sometimes, it’s necessary to help you clarify what’s bothering you.

When you find yourself doing it, take the next step and examine what’s going on. Where is it coming from, and what action do you need to take?

There’s a fine line between letting your mind wander enough to see what’s there and taking action to use it to your advantage.

Repetitive ruminating about what’s wrong with someone else, regardless of how accurate your perceptions might be, isn’t helpful unless you do something with it.

You may decide to let it go, and in some cases, that may be the best course of action. But more often, it’s one or a combo of the things we discussed above.

Make it work for you!

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Related articles:

How to Prepare for a Difficult Conversation
How to Handle Negative Thoughts About Your Partner
The Perils of Gossip: 6 Ways to Avoid Getting Sucked In

Photo by Bastian Weltjen

When you think of self-discipline, the two words that most likely pop up in your mind are willpower and motivation.

Those certainly help, but they aren’t always easy to access. Sometimes you have to come in the back door.

You take a small action, feel a little motivation, take another action, get another motivation boost, and so on.

But what if you can’t even get yourself to take that first action?

It’s time to try something else, and that something else is to make better use of your environment.

Your environment can help you sidestep resistance and move you along so that you eventually feel motivated.

In other words, you don’t have to muster up a lot of willpower or energy to get started. You can instead put yourself in the right environment to instigate some action that will get you going, and your motivation will follow.

There are three aspects of the environment to consider and use. Let’s go through them.

People

We’re social animals. The need to belong is part of our DNA.

Even if you consider yourself an individualist and prefer to keep your own company, you still need contact with other people, whether through reading books, being out in public for short amounts of time, or belonging to a group of some sort, like a book or business club.

That said, who you spend time with has a significant impact on how you think, feel, and behave. Especially those with whom you spend a lot of time.

There’s science behind this fact, based on the operation of a specific type of neuron in your brain called a mirror neuron.

The more you’re around someone and engage with them, the more your brain syncs with them due to the action of mirror neurons.

The way they work is that when you observe someone else doing something with intent, the neurons in your brain fire the same as those in the brain of the person doing that thing.

You watch me pour a cup of coffee, and your brain syncs with mine and maps out a neural representation of the same action in your head. It’s actually rather amazing and is the basis of how much learning occurs.

It follows that you need to be deliberate in choosing the company you keep, as they will influence you and vice versa.

I’m sure you’ve had that experience. You end up using similar phrases when you talk, take on each other’s mannerisms, engage in similar activities, and often pick up each other’s habits.

How to Use This

So, what this means is that if you hang out with self-disciplined people, you’re more likely to be the same way.

If I want to write well, I read books by the best writers on how to write. I take the courses they offer and listen to them. I read their articles daily.

And even better, if I have an opportunity to write in the same room with someone else who’s writing, I’ll take it. That setting makes it much easier to stay engaged.

For example, right now, I’m writing in the same room as my sister, who is also working on her computer.

The same applies to character.

If you surround yourself with people who have a strong work ethic, are committed, empathetic, have integrity, and are trustworthy, you’re more likely to engage in and increase those qualities in yourself.

The converse is also true, so be sure to choose wisely.

Set yourself up to keep company with people who emulate your values, are self-disciplined, and know how to achieve their goals.

When you can, do your work in their company. They’ll rub off on you, and your assets will rub off on them too.

Places

A better word here would be settings.

When you want to accomplish something, choose the setting you know is most likely to help you stay steady in your efforts.

This is why some people go to a library to do their work. It helps them avoid being distracted.

On the other hand, some people love working at home alone. They get much more accomplished that way.

But to do that, you have to be good at structuring yourself. I’m that way now, but in my 30s and 40s, I had to be in a setting that provided outside structure.

If you need some help with structure, don’t fight it.

Work at an office where you have deadlines you can’t escape. Or create accountability in a way that will mean something to you.

Maybe you just need the stimulation of other people. Work in a group setting or adopt a hybrid approach that combines some in-office work with some at-home work.

Another helpful type of setting is using an accountability partner, where you both keep each other steady.

These days, with technology, you can work with someone else online, over the phone, or even just by texting back and forth.

I remember when my son was in middle school, he did his math on the phone with his friend who was in the same class. They did it every night, and both did well in class as a result.

Choose Carefully

Settings not only apply to work issues but to any type of disciplined activity or behavior. This is why people go to the gym to exercise, join a book club to read, or attend a self-help group to overcome a problem.

Choose settings and people that will provide the optimal atmosphere for whatever behavior, work, goal, or attitude you’re trying to upgrade.

Conversely, avoid settings that you know will inhibit your progress. Don’t discount their effects.

Figure out what environmental setting is most conducive for you to succeed. And then pursue it.

Things

Things are a more nebulous category, but they still have a place and influence.

Things are objects such as dinging cellphones, background noise that’s distracting, or any substance that’s addictive and interferes with your discipline.

Things are deeply entwined with settings, yet they possess their own power. If the novel I’m dying to finish is in plain sight while I’m working on my taxes, which do you think is going to win out?

What about you? What things distract you or keep you from disciplining yourself to accomplish your goals or control your behavior?

Then again, what things help? A cup of coffee, the right chair, a computer desk, a particular pen, or a specific lamp.

What things should you avoid or quiet, and what things can you bring into your environment to encourage you?

Putting It Together

Okay, let’s put it all together.

1. Your environment has a significant impact on how well you can discipline yourself to meet your goals, behave the way you like to, live your values, and get things done.
2. Construct your environment so that it works with you, not against you. Use it to initiate action, which then leads to motivation and drive.
3. Consider your environment to be your partner. Hopefully, not your partner in crime, but your partner in success.

Here’s a quote from James Clear that summarizes it for you:

Think about self-control less as the quality of a person and more as the quality of a place. There are some places and situations that lean toward lower self-control and others that lean toward higher self-control. Self-control is about your context as much as your character. Put yourself in good positions. ~ James Clear

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara

Photo by Daniel Brubaker on Unsplash

In close, intimate relationships, there are usually some topics you avoid talking about. Either there’s an unspoken agreement not to broach them, or there’s something hidden that one or the other of you doesn’t want to expose. The term for this practice is circumscribing.

Circumscribing can occur in any close relationship.

For example:

Your teenager doesn’t want to tell you everything that goes on with his friends.

Or your therapist doesn’t discuss her personal problems with you during your sessions.

In both these cases, circumscribing is normal and acceptable.

But what about parenting differences you and your spouse have that you can’t talk about?

Or spending habits you don’t see eye to eye on?

Or the clutter in your home that one of you has a problem with?

What can you not talk about, and why not?

That’s the first question. The second question is, what’s the cost?

Let’s start with the reasons you might avoid specific topics.

The Why: Reasons Behind Circumscribing

1. You’re afraid.

You’re afraid of the other person’s reactions. They might become angry, blow up, criticize you, or give you the cold shoulder.

2. You’ve unsuccessfully addressed this issue before.

You’ve talked this issue to death with no resolution. If you bring it up, the immediate reaction will be, “Not this again. There’s no point in having this conversation.”

3. You don’t want to disturb the peace.

You hate conflicts. They make you anxious. You’re afraid of driving the other person away or creating distance. Or you’re worried they’ll shut down. At the extreme, you’re afraid of losing them.

4. The other person will think poorly of you.

You think there will be an adverse reaction to what you have to say, and you’ll look bad or disappoint your partner, causing permanent damage to the relationship.

5. Disagreeing makes you feel guilty.

You doubt yourself and think that your needs aren’t as important as the other person’s. So, if you bring something up that will cause discomfort, you hesitate. You don’t like to ask for anything.

6. Only one of you is open to discussion.

Only one of you likes to talk things through. The other tends to avoid any issues that could cause a disagreement. So you suck it up and hold your tongue.

Now for the costs.

The Costs: Slow Disintegration of the Relationship

When circumscribing is a regular practice in a relationship, several things happen over time.

1. Trust erodes
2. Avoidance increases
3. Indifference seeps in and takes root

All three of these things spell destruction for the relationship. You might stay together, or if this applies to a family member, you’ll still be family, but distance will increase. And with that, barriers are erected against closeness and intimacy.

Let’s take a look at how this happens using Mark Knapp’s Stages of Relationships. He’s created a model that illustrates how relationships form and destruct. Here’s a diagram of it.

As you can see, he describes five stages of how a relationship develops, grows, and stabilizes on the left side. These are the “Coming Together” stages.

He then explains how a relationship breaks down and slowly atrophies on the right side, which are the “Coming Apart” stages.

Here’s a brief description of each phase.

Coming Together

Initiating. You meet someone and have a positive impression, along with an interest in furthering your interaction and finding out more about them.

Experimenting. You begin sharing personal information and testing the waters to see if the connection will remain steady. You’re learning more about each other.

Intensifying. Your feelings for each other increase and intensify, along with your desire to be together. You each disclose more intimate details about yourselves.

Integrating. You start to merge your lives. You become a couple with a shared identity and present yourselves as a unit in social and familial circles.

Bonding. You fully commit to the relationship and integrate your lives to create a long-term, stable connection.

Coming Apart

These stages go in reverse order on the chart, so we begin with “differentiating.”

Differentiating. When you first get involved in a relationship and move through the stages of forming a stable bond, you focus more on your similarities to each other. Early relationships are symbiotic. You see yourselves as a unit where all your tendencies and personality characteristics complement each other.

Once you’ve committed, you must reestablish your individuality and autonomy within the relationship while maintaining your bond. This is a normal developmental phase and is necessary for a healthy relationship.

In this phase, you notice differences. You begin to become more aware of each other’s idiosyncrasies, temperaments, behavior patterns, and needs.

Good relationships navigate this phase and can integrate individual differences and likenesses through negotiation while maintaining affection and a desire to be together.

Circumscribing. In all relationships, there are things you might not disclose. But for the most part, in relationships that last, off-limits subjects are few, especially when it comes to issues that are deeply meaningful and tied to your identities, values, beliefs, and needs.

The more subjects that are off-limits, the more precarious the health of the relationship.

Couples often seek out therapy during this stage, complaining about their inability to communicate effectively.

Stagnating. At this stage, communication becomes less frequent and is more perfunctory. You continue to go through the motions, but without the same investment or interest. From here, the relationship begins to sink.

Avoiding. When circumscribing is prevalent, and one or both partners have to submerge their needs to keep the peace, avoidance becomes a regular practice.

You don’t bring up things that are on the off-limits list, but you feel the effects. There’s a decline in affection, trust, and satisfaction.

Terminating. Avoidance over time leads to distance and a lack of interest. You begin to care less for your partner’s well-being and happiness because you feel ignored and unimportant.

When indifference outweighs the desire to connect, the relationship dies.

You might stay together, but you feel alone, or you live separate lives while cohabiting. Typically, the relationship ends.

The Pivot Point

Knapp’s schematic is helpful in many ways, but especially in pinpointing where a relationship teeters between remaining viable or beginning the descent to failure.

Circumscribing is that pivot point, and knowing that can help you take stock of how it plays out in your relationships.

Use these questions to start a conversation:

1. What subjects are off-limits for discussion, or if discussed, end in a stalemate?
2. What subjects do each of us avoid or want to avoid? Why?
3. How do we deal with our differences? Are we ever successful at talking them through? What’s our usual procedure, or is there one?
4. Do we feel heard by each other?

A good exercise is to make a list of your answers separately and then come together and compare notes.

If a lot of circumscribing exists in your relationship, the exercise will be challenging because you aren’t used to engaging in these “off-limits” conversations. That’s why it’s good to create your lists separately at first and then go through them slowly together.

Set Up Some Rules

I would suggest you set up rules before you start. Basic rules are things like:

• Take a break if either of you becomes overwhelmed or too angry and needs time to calm down
• No personal attacks
• Take turns listening without interruption

You can decide together what rules you need.

A good practice is to divide the conversation into several discussions, with the first discussion focusing only on understanding each other’s feelings and thoughts.

Don’t problem-solve until after you feel some connection with each other and have a desire to make improvements.

If you’re not comfortable tackling this on your own, you can also engage a counselor to guide you through the process.

The goal is to close the distance between you that’s been created by avoiding difficult conversations and ignoring each other’s needs.

You need to rebuild your trust and intimacy, which can be achieved as long as you’re both willing and patient. It won’t work unless both people are on board.

The good thing is that even a relationship that has become significantly estranged can be turned around if both partners are willing to put in the work.

By the way, you can apply this process to any intimate relationship, including family members, close friends, or parents with their teens or adult children.

That’s all for today!

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara