Blog Short #275: Stop Looking for What’s Wrong in Your Relationships (Do These 3 Things Instead)

August 1, 2026
Barbara Frazier
Blog Shorts

When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, it’s easy to start focusing more on what’s going wrong than on what’s going right.

Especially little things like personality quirks, things that irritate you, less warmth, less attention, less time.

However, no matter what state your relationship is in, there are three things you can do right now that will quickly improve it.

All three will help you notice what’s good and working, and give you something to build on. They’ll infuse positive energy into the relationship and bolster your connection with each other.

We’ll start with the easiest one.

1. Listening with Interest and Acceptance

Listening is a powerful way to connect with someone if you know how to do it correctly.

Here’s how to do it the right way:

When the other person is talking to you, get into an investigative mode.

Your goal is to fully understand what the other person thinks, feels, and needs. You’re not evaluating, solving problems, debating, or adding input at this point.

You’re gathering information. Only!

You ask questions, listen to the responses, repeat them back, and ask more questions based on what you’re hearing.

And you’re doing all of this with an open mind and a desire to understand. The focus is wholly on the other person.

To do that, you have to temporarily set aside your point of view and your need to respond. So put them on the back burner for now.

To make your investigation comfortable for the other person and encourage them to open up with you, you must do two other things:

Show interest in what you’re hearing.
Be accepting of the person you’re listening to.

Showing Interest

If you’re truly interested in what’s being said, it’s easy to ask questions and respond with empathy and understanding.

If you’re not, you can still do that even if you don’t have a strong interest in the topic.

You’re interested in the person, so you listen because it’s important to them and because you want to know what’s on their mind.

If you have kids who chat with you, you know how this works. They can talk for hours about something you’re not the least bit interested in.

My son used to explain in detail his performance in a video game he liked. Details and more details. It was a bit grueling to sit through, but showing interest and asking him a few questions along the way so he knew I was listening made him feel connected to me and valued.

He felt loved. It was worth the time.

With an adult, you can set some mild limits if need be. For example, if your husband wants to launch into a political rant (which he does often), you could agree to give him fifteen minutes of your full attention, but not an hour.

That’s a compromise, but it does the job. You’re telling him, “I know it’s important for you to talk about this, and I’m here for you. But too much negative energy isn’t good for either of us.”

Either way, listen with your full attention and interest.

Showing Acceptance

To accept may feel more difficult. Let me clarify.

You’re not accepting the other person’s point of view. You might agree or not, but that’s not the focus of listening. You’re recognizing that the other person has their own thoughts, feelings, interests, needs, and conclusions.

You’re accepting who they are and respecting their right to think and feel what they do.

Listening does not imply agreement. It conveys caring and respect.

A caveat: This doesn’t apply to someone you don’t want to interact with or don’t respect. That’s a different story. We’re talking here about someone you have a relationship with and want to continue. It’s someone who’s important to you.

Okay. Let’s go on to the second thing.

2. Be Kind

You may be a kind person, but when you’re close to someone, it’s easier to let go of kindness without realizing it.

Here are some of the ways this happens.

Nitpicking. You focus on the little things they do that you don’t like, such as personality quirks and habits that get on your nerves. So you get in the habit of pointing them out. Maybe you have some good points, but when nitpicking takes precedence over the things you like about the other person, the equilibrium in the relationship shifts downward, and negativity seeps in and sets up shop.

Sarcasm. Sarcasm can be fun if both people are laughing and find it amusing, but often it’s got a sting to it. Even if it is acceptable to both of you, too much can lead to ill feelings and antagonism. It should be used very sparingly, if at all.

Nagging. Nagging fits in with nitpicking, but it’s got a little more punch because you’re focused on things you want the other person to change or do. Nagging is ineffective because it sets up a power struggle. The more you nag, the more the other person turns you off. They may avoid you, temporarily placate you, or do what you want, but with anger and resentment.

Criticizing. Criticizing is a step up from both nagging and nitpicking. It’s a direct, negative commentary on the other person. Not just on what they’re doing or not doing, but on who they are. It’s an assault on one’s sense of self.

Contempt. This is the worst of the lot. You show contempt when you roll your eyes, attack, mock, show disrespect, ridicule, and mean it. Contempt humiliates, demeans, and erodes someone’s good feelings toward you. It’s the quickest way to tank a relationship.

What to do instead?

Instead of using any of these strategies to get someone to do what you want or to stop doing something you don’t want, have honest, open conversations that maintain respect and concern for each other.

Those conversations can be difficult, but for a relationship to flourish, you have to use behavior that’s kind toward each other, even when there’s a conflict.

A good rule is to always consider how what you’re saying or plan to say will impact the other person.

Even if you don’t like what’s going on, you can still show respect and consideration.

Another good strategy is to make small acts of kindness a daily habit.

Be deliberate about it. Make it a regular part of your interactions with the other person.

If you do that regularly, you’ll have a much easier time working through problems when they arise, and you’ll feel good about each other.

Think about someone who’s often kind to you.

Aren’t you more considerate of that person and more eager to please them than someone who nags you a lot? Of course you are. Because you feel valued and cared for by them, and you want to return the feeling.

Kindness begets kindness.

3. Show Appreciation

Showing appreciation is easy, and it has a lot of power.

Most people want to feel appreciated. In fact, one of the main complaints couples often have about each other is that they feel taken for granted and unappreciated.

It makes sense because we have an inborn negativity bias and we are naturally drawn to focusing on what’s wrong. It’s part of the survival mechanisms in our brains. So to notice more of what’s going right takes effort, but it pays off.

It’s also easy to assume that the other person knows what you appreciate about them.

Don’t assume. Express it. Often.

When someone feels appreciated, they’ll give more of themselves and be happier.

How to Use This

Select a relationship right now that you want to work on.

Write down everything you can think of that you appreciate about the other person, small things included. Once you have your list, review it so you have it in your mind.

Now watch for those things every day when you interact with this person. When one of them pops up, say something about it. Tell the other person that you appreciate it and why.

I’ve found that even those couples who come into therapy ready to call it quits can turn things around when both partners start noticing and expressing appreciation for each other.

It speaks to the deep need we all have to feel valued and worthy.

Better yet, when you feel that way, you’re much more likely to want to cooperate and adjust your behavior to be more pleasing to the other person.

Start Looking for What’s Right

The theme of this article is to notice what’s good, valuable, and going well in your important relationships at least as much, and ideally more, than what’s not going well or is displeasing.

That doesn’t mean ignoring problems, but you can’t work well with someone you don’t feel connected to or understood by. You have to feel that the other person accepts you, gets you, and appreciates who you are and what you have to offer.

Listen to understand. Be kind often. And express appreciation for anything you notice.

You may discover that some problems begin solving themselves because people naturally respond to feeling heard, respected, appreciated, and cared for. You included!

That’s all for today.

Have a great two weeks!

All my best,
Barbara

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