Blog Short #270: Before You Play That Hurtful Comment One More Time, Read This!
Photo by EvgeniyShkolenko
A friend recently told me about an experience she encountered at work. A coworker said something very critical, biting, and derogatory to her during a meeting.
It seemed to come out of nowhere, and she was devastated. Partly due to the intensity of the coworker’s delivery, and partly because of what was said. It was personal and attacking.
She replayed it for days in her mind. What was said. How everyone reacted. What she should have come back with. And worse, could it be true?
Ever had that kind of experience? Likely so. What do you do when that happens? Do you fight back, defend yourself, or just leave?
More importantly, how do you recover? How do you make what was said fit in with who you believe you are? That’s where feeling it personally comes into play.
It digs into you and can trigger days, weeks, or months of rumination as you try to fend off what feels like an unfair assessment of your sense of self. It’s painful.
Often you resort to counter-attacking the other person in your mind and to your friends until you feel vindicated enough to let it go. Even so, that doesn’t really do the job.
There’s a better way to handle experiences like this that won’t just soothe your feelings but also give you something you can use to improve your life.
Here it is:
Use every person and situation you encounter as a teacher.
How This Works
When something happens to you that feels like a personal attack, you build a narrative about it.
For example, someone might say something horrible to you, and you’re temporarily in shock. But in no time, you’re telling a story, and you embellish it with your feelings, reactions, and conclusions.
The more you repeat that narrative in your mind, especially when retelling it to someone else, the more factual and potent it seems, even if it’s partially distorted.
The positive part of this scenario is that you can use the narrative as a tool rather than a reactionary defense. There are several steps involved.
Step #1: Give yourself some time to let your emotions arise and settle.
Don’t suppress your emotions. Instead, give yourself some time to let them come up and feel them. Then you’ll be ready for the next step.
Part of the deliberateness of this process is cultivating mindfulness.
Say to yourself:
“I’ve got a lot of feelings here. I’m just going to let them come up and observe them. Then I can sort them through later and use them after I cool down.”
It also helps to name them as they arise. That reduces their reactive power.
Step #2: Validate what’s true and what’s not.
Criticism is rarely 100% accurate. But it’s also rarely 100% useless.
For this step, shift to your thinking brain and sort through, without censorship, what parts of what you heard are true, and what parts aren’t.
Doing that can be difficult depending on the situation. If someone attacks you full force, or is obviously abusive and intentional in their desire to hurt you, what in the world could you take away that’s helpful? Just the idea of that feels a bit repulsive.
But you can still use it. Maybe it’s just getting some clarity on what abusive behavior is and when it’s necessary to set boundaries.
Or maybe there’s one small thing that was said about you that’s true, and by acknowledging it, you can change it and make yourself better.
Even if the delivery’s awful, you might still use that little kernel of truth to improve. Think of it as finding the hidden gem in a pile of mud (or, if you want to be more graphic, a pile of crap!).
Their bad behavior is their problem, not yours. They might be the most despicable teacher, but you can still use the information and lessons to your benefit.
Step #3: Incorporate the new information or lesson learned into your sense of self.
When someone personally attacks you, it’s easy to feel diminished and let that diminish your sense of worth. It’s hard not to. If you’re particularly sensitive, it’s even harder.
I was always that way growing up and could be easily devastated by a few sharp words. It took a lot of practice to overcome it, and it’s still not always easy.
But this approach can work even with the most sensitive person. Take what you learned, use it, and toss the trash out.
Add Some Humor
Using the “every person is a teacher” approach can be fun!
Now that you’ve figured out what you can extract from the experience to improve yourself or your life in general, it’s time to rate the teacher!
Five stars? Or maybe just 1 1/2 stars and a referral to an anger-management class?
Was your teacher just having a bad day, or is she emotionally immature, aggressive, or plain sadistic?
All kidding aside, what behavior, motivations, or patterns were displayed? And what do you make of them? Is there something you found helpful that you’d like to use or add to your behavior repertoire? Or something you’d like to make sure you never do?
Some experiences teach by adding useful knowledge, while others show you what needs to be subtracted and never repeated. Both can occur in a single interaction.
For example, while you’re speaking in a small group of coworkers, one of them blurts out:
“You’re always interrupting. You seem to think what you have to say is so much more important than what anyone else says. You’re so self-centered!!!!”
Okay. What’s the kernel of truth? Do you sometimes interrupt someone before they finish speaking? That may very well be true. It doesn’t mean you’re intentionally self-centered. Maybe you’re just enthusiastic and jump in too quickly.
Separate the stinging personal attack from the information you can use to improve your behavior.
If you wanted to take it a step further, you could respond with something like:
“Thank you for pointing out that I interrupted. I shouldn’t do that, and I’ll work on it. I’m sorry. At the same time, I don’t appreciate the personal attack. If you have a problem with something I’m doing, I don’t mind you pointing it out, but do it without being hurtful. Agreed?”
That might go over, and it might not, but you’re doing two things here:
- You’re taking ownership of your behavior and promising to change it.
- You’re also setting a boundary against abusive behavior.
The Value
Self-improvement is the obvious value of this approach, but learning to use life as a teaching tool has a few silver linings worth remembering:
- The same experiences will arise repeatedly until you learn the lesson that needs to be acknowledged. Once you acknowledge and incorporate it into your life, it will stop appearing.
- The more you use the “teacher” approach, the more mindful you become. Mindfulness is a potent tool for navigating emotional reactivity and keeping your thinking brain aboard when your emotional brain is inflamed. In more scientific terms, keeping your prefrontal cortex active when your amygdala goes wild!
- Recognizing that having deficits that need correcting is normal and should be embraced rather than used as a stick to beat yourself up with. Life is about learning and growth, not perfection.
Now, armed with this new approach, start practicing. See every person and every situation as a teacher.
The goal isn’t to stop getting hurt. You’re human. The goal is to stop letting painful experiences define you. Learn from them instead.
That’s all for today! Have a great two weeks!
All my best,
Barbara