Blog Short #223: 6 Strategies for Dealing with Difficult People

Photo by SteveLuker

How do you deal with the prickly boss or the office mate who has something negative to say about everyone?

How about the mother-in-law who slides in criticisms of your parenting skills while flashing her saccharine smile at you?

Or the friend that sucks up all the air in the room and leaves you gasping as he repetitively recounts how unfair his life is?

One way is to avoid them, but that’s not always possible.

Instead, try these six strategies to help you navigate these situations without feeling depleted and beat up.

Let’s start with acceptance.

1. Allow people to be who they are.

Really? Isn’t that just caving in?

It might seem that way, but it isn’t.

One of the problems that gets in your way when dealing with a problematic person is resisting them. You resist who they are, what they think, and how they feel.

You see them coming, and your shields go up as you brace yourself for the onslaught.

That might seem like a good strategy, but it isn’t because it involves repelling them, which takes a lot of energy.

It’s easier to accept them and not feel responsible for their thoughts or feelings. And that includes how they think or feel about you.

Mel Robbins makes an excellent case for this in her book The Let Them Theory. She points out that when you give up trying to manage what someone thinks or feels, especially what they think about you, you get your freedom back.

You can decide how to respond, but you let go of the need to manage and modify the other person’s output.

That’s the first strategy. The next one piggybacks on this one.

2. Don’t try to convince.

Once you give up trying to manage the other person, you can also let go of the need to convince them of your point of view.

By doing that, you no longer need to defend, which is a huge relief.

It’s helpful to remember that just because someone thinks or says something doesn’t necessarily make it true.

People see things through their own lens, so let them.

Listen more than you talk. Be curious. Let go of your territory for a while, ask questions, repeat what you hear, and try to understand what the other person is saying.

When you do that, rather than repel or defend, the energy shifts. There’s no power struggle.

Keep in mind that you only have to listen as long as you want. You can bow out at any time unless, of course, it’s your boss or someone who has some authority. Even in that case, the time will be limited.

For the gossip or critic, a good question to ask is:

“Why is this so important to you?”

I’ve often used this question when a friend is ranting about another friend or family member. It always shifts the momentum and takes the person off guard momentarily.

They have to stop and think about their motivation. Either they delve into the question and say something more authentic about themselves that makes the conversation more meaningful, or they drop the subject. They might end the conversation.

Regardless, you’ve changed the landscape so that you’re more comfortable.

3. Make boundaries clear.

If you find that the interaction is compromising your values, set a boundary.

It’s easier to draw the line when you’re not so worried about being liked or perceived negatively.

You might say,

“I’m not comfortable talking about other people.”

“I respect that you have your opinions, but if I need help, I’ll ask for it.”

“I’m willing to listen, but not to be barked out or treated dismissively.”

You’ll know what you want to say based on the situation.

It’s not always easy to be that upfront or to set a boundary because you worry about how the other person will receive it.

But the alternative is to allow them to take advantage of you or hold you hostage.

In the long run, boundaries are healthy for both of you, whether they get that or not.

4. Be direct.

When you speak, be direct and make it easy to understand what you’re saying.

Avoid any hidden agendas or attempts to manipulate. Be straight up. Use “I” messages. Own your thoughts and feelings.

Also, be respectful at all times, regardless of how the other person behaves.

You can always opt out if the situation gets out of hand or becomes abusive or unruly. Stay true to your values and who you want to be.

5. Work on yourself.

The more self-aware and emotionally intelligent you are, the easier it is to get along with anyone, even someone who’s challenging.

Knowing and managing your strengths and weaknesses helps you understand your reactions when interacting with others, especially those you have more intimate ties to.

Self-awareness requires observing yourself from a distance as you move through experiences and situations.

It also requires knowing your triggers and soft spots so you get more adept at handling them.

Self-awareness helps you accept yourself and manage your emotions.

Another benefit is that the more you know yourself, the easier it is to read other people and understand their behavior.

This knowledge increases your compassion for how hard it is sometimes to be a human being.

You recognize that many of the ways people behave and react are self-protective. The more fragile someone’s ego or sense of self is, the more defensive they may be.

You don’t need to judge, but you do need to see what is, and react according to your awareness and who you want to be.

6. Opt out.

You will always encounter difficult people. However, being around or involved with someone who’s more toxic than occasionally difficult can harm you.

Sometimes, it’s necessary to cut ties.

A friend who’s constantly negative or critical may be one you want to let go of. An overbearing, nasty boss might lead you to find another job. An abusive partner may drive you away.

But there are also times when you can’t opt out.

Family Members

Family members fall into this category.

Families can be more challenging to navigate because the bonds are stronger, and you can’t choose your relatives.

Additionally, families are close-knit structures where the rules are often more lenient when it comes to respecting each other’s boundaries.

Even so, you can apply the same strategies we’ve gone over today but with more depth and energy output.

One thing that can help with family members is that you know them better.

You have shared histories. So you have more information about why each person acts and feels like they do. That helps.

Something that makes it more complicated is that you have a specific role in your family system.

Your role carries expectations and influences your relationships with different family members. And as an adult, your role often evolves or changes.

These relationships tend to be more complex.

We can write another whole article on that subject, but for today, try out the strategies and see how they work for you, whether with family members or otherwise.

I also recommend reading The Let Them Theory if you want to learn more about this subject.

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara