Blog Short #209: Have You Given Away Your Power? Time To Take It Back!
Photo by Timothy Dykes on Unsplash
I once saw a couple in therapy initiated by the wife who was unhappy with the relationship. She was depressed and felt angry much of the time but kept it to herself.
It quickly became apparent that she had given up her power and felt controlled by her husband. She had no voice in the relationship.
It wasn’t that he was particularly abusive, although he sometimes stood on the edge of it, but more that he dominated her.
Yet, she consistently gave him permission to do that but wasn’t aware of it.
What was puzzling was that he clearly couldn’t live without her. She had plenty of leverage but didn’t use it.
We’ll come back to this couple later on. But now, I’m asking you:
How do you use your power? Do you give too much away, exert too much, or use it judiciously and in the best interest of yourself and others?
Most of us don’t think about these questions, but it’s an important issue that plays a starring role in your relationships.
Let’s start with the origins of personal power.
Where Does Your Power Come From?
Most people would say it’s an outgrowth of having confidence. That’s partially true, but it begins long before your confidence crystalizes.
Personal power starts with your sense of self.
That’s rather vague, so let’s break it down into components. There are five:
- Having a sense of worth
- Accepting your emotions and being willing to feel and express them
- Recognizing your unique personal gifts and talents
- Developing self-compassion
- Being able to set boundaries for yourself when needed
In short, you must embrace your authentic self and feel you have worth and value.
From there, you develop skills, competence, and confidence.
Your power is a natural expression of who you are. You can use it to enhance your life and the lives of others.
Things go awry when any of those original components are not developed and bleed into your sense of agency and power.
Most of us fall somewhere along the continuum, either expressing too little or too much power. Either way, the origin of the problem is the same:
If you feel less than others, you either submit and succumb to those who willingly overpower you, or you find people you can control and rule.
Our original couple played out both sides of this problem in their relationship.
The wife came from a family with an overbearing father who ran the show and didn’t allow anyone, including his wife, to question his authority. Likewise, the husband had a similar family structure, and he felt bullied by his father.
Your history can set you up to have difficulty using your power correctly.
How Do You Take Your Power Back?
Have you ever faced down a bully?
In most cases, when you do that, the bully backs down.
Not always. You wouldn’t face down someone who has a history of violence. We’ll come back to that.
In general, if you recognize that someone or something is overpowering you, start by asking yourself these questions:
- How and in what ways are they doing it?
- How am I giving permission for it? Don’t confuse this question with the idea that you’re okay with it or that it’s your fault, but look at specific behaviors you’re engaging in that give that permission. You may not be aware of them.
- What emotions hold you back from exerting your power? This is the most critical question. You won’t be able to change anything until you acknowledge and begin challenging those feelings. Fear is often at the base of the problem.
- What’s the cost to me of continuing as I am?
- What are the best and worst case scenarios of challenging (whoever or whatever situation)?
Once you’re clear on how you’re giving away your power, lay out a plan for regaining it. Try these strategies.
Strategies That Work
Start small unless you feel confident that a serious and thoughtful conversation will be received. Usually, patterns that have been in place for a long time are difficult to unravel.
1. Demand basic respect.
You can accomplish this by letting the offending person know how you feel when treated disrespectfully. Point out the behavior, say how it makes you feel, and then explain how you would rather be approached.
When you do it this way, you aren’t blaming or attacking. You’re setting a boundary.
Use “I” messages throughout and stay calm. That’s key.
If being disrespected is a regular behavior, you’ll likely have to set the boundary more than once and maybe many times until the other person knows you mean it.
Don’t sugarcoat, but don’t attack. Be respectful yourself.
2. Check your tendency to enable.
This is the second part of your one-two punch. First, you demand respect, and then you stop enabling the other person to be in control.
Remember that you can only lose your power if you’re willing to give it away.
Write down all your behaviors that tell the other person they can control you and what you do. Examples are:
- Taking on more responsibility than is fair or equitable
- Not participating in decision-making
- Not voicing your ideas, concerns, and thoughts
- Suppressing your feelings
- Allowing yourself to be taken advantage of, disrespected, or both
- Walking on eggshells
- Ignoring your needs
As you write these out, add the actual behaviors that reflect these trends. You want to identify specific behaviors to target.
Once you’ve done that, begin changing one behavior at a time until the other person (or people) accepts it.
3. Show appreciation
This sounds counterintuitive, I know, but it’s not if it’s used alongside the above strategies.
When you show genuine appreciation or note the behaviors you like, you’ll find that even the most negative, crotchety, controlling person will respond positively.
This works exceptionally well when you’re setting boundaries against behavior you don’t like.
You’re modeling what you want.
In most cases, if you’ve given up your power in a relationship, you’ve also built up a cache of resentment and don’t feel much empathy or appreciation for the other person. Not always, but likely.
So, it helps to add that piece back in as you’re making it clear that you’re taking your power back.
That doesn’t mean it will go smoothly, but it will work better with some appreciation added in. You want to tip toward the positive.
How Long Does It Take?
It depends on the people involved, how entrenched the old patterns are, and how acute the situation is.
In the case of our couple, things had become very sour between them, and they couldn’t work at it by themselves, hence therapy. They eventually restored their relationship with mutual effort and commitment to the process.
Some people resolve it on their own. But if you can’t, seek help.
Not Just For Couples
Taking your power back can apply in many situations.
All relationships involve power.
The closer the relationship and time spent together, the more power is involved. Close friendships, job relationships, and especially family relationships apply.
You can work on gaining or releasing your power in any of these situations. The same strategies can be used and adapted to fit.
A balance of power means that both (or all parties) count. Everyone is seen, heard, and valued.
What to Do When Violence is An Issue
Taking back your power from someone who’s violent or scary is a different problem. In those cases, you must get help from someone who can offer more assistance.
Look for someone who is experienced in dealing with domestic violence. There are usually agencies available in most areas to help.
What if My Efforts Fail?
If the other person involved isn’t willing to participate in changing the power dynamics between you, and you’ve tried all the strategies, you may decide to leave the relationship.
Friendships are sometimes this way. You have a friend who subtly controls you or takes advantage of you and, when confronted, isn’t willing to change. This may be a friend you can do without.
Each case is individual, and you can decide what’s in your best interest.
The goal is to engage in relationships with mutual respect and empathy and where everyone has a voice.
That’s all for today.
Have a great week!
All my best,
Barbara