Blog Short #199: Why Venting Isn’t Good For You and What to Do Instead

Photo by Elijah Potter on Unsplash

The question for today is: Is venting good for you? And if so, under what circumstances?

Let me ask you this to get us started.

Have you ever heard of “primal scream” therapy? It was popular during the 1970s and was used as a means of releasing intense emotions.

Along with primal scream, other similar therapies arose, all intended to help people “get their emotions out.” Using punching bags, encounter groups, and Gestalt Therapy were all part of these popular strategies.

But did they help?

Maybe in some respects. It was good to recognize that emotional suppression isn’t healthy. But just “getting your emotions out” isn’t always helpful, and this is where venting comes into play.

Done correctly, it can be useful, but ongoing venting and its cousin rumination are not helpful and can be harmful.

Fortunately, science has intervened and revealed what not to do, along with some ideas of what does work.

Let’s tackle it. We’ll start with what happens in your body when you get angry.

What Happens When You Get Angry

Besides the mood shift that occurs, your body also revs up for a fight-or-flight response because your brain sounds an alarm that danger is imminent.

There are two surges of energy. One is short-term and lasts long enough for you to assess the situation.

The second is longer-lasting and leaves your body and nervous system in a state of arousal and tension that can last for hours or even days. It keeps your emotional brain alert in case you need to defend yourself or act.

In other words, when you’re triggered by something, either in the environment or from your thoughts, and get angry, your body readies itself to defend, but that readiness lingers for some time after the offending incident occurs. That’s the catch.

Then, if something else happens that irritates you while your body’s still aroused, you’re likely to become angry more easily.

For example, if you argued with a co-worker at work and then came home to your kids bickering with each other, you might fly off the handle and yell at them with intensity, which you normally wouldn’t do.

Anger builds on anger.

The more incidences you encounter that result in anger, and the more you vent and ruminate about them, the more aroused you become and the longer you stay in a state of tension, even if it’s somewhat under the surface.

Instead of needing a box of matches and some kindling wood to start the fire, you now need a mere spark.

The Venting Fallacy

Simply “getting your feelings out” by venting doesn’t cool you down. It heightens your anger.

There is a helpful way to do it, which I’ll explain in a minute, but it’s essential to understand that venting, especially ongoing venting or complaining, increases anger rather than diffusing it.

It makes things worse!

If you’re upset or angry chronically about something and ruminate about it, which amounts to venting to yourself, you put yourself in a state of general dissatisfaction and tension that seeps into other aspects of your life, such as your performance at work, relationships with family or friends, and your general well-being.

Okay, so what’s the solution? How do I avoid suppressing my emotions without venting?

The answer is to process instead of vent.

To do that, you first need to get your thinking brain back on board. Here are some strategies that work.

Cool down.

Before making any decisions or taking action, you need to cool down—not just mentally but also physically.

Because your body is in a heightened state of tension and arousal that can last for hours or more, you need to do something to cool it down, which will, in turn, help you cool your emotions.

The best strategy to use is distraction. However, only some types of distractions are helpful.

Spend some time alone and do one or several of these things.

1. Take a walk.

This strategy is the most effective because it directly reduces your body’s tension and returns it to a state of relaxation. Walking also calms your mind, especially if you walk outside, preferably in nature.

Exercise of any kind is helpful if you prefer something else, like running, biking, Yoga, weightlifting, or swimming.

All of these will help reduce your physical and mental state of hyperarousal.

2. Do something that will absorb your attention for a while.

You could watch a movie, read a book, clean the house, or go for a drive (although this might not help if you’re particularly enraged).

Whatever you choose, it should be something that will distract and calm at the same time.

A caveat: Avoid venting while using these strategies. If you’re taking a walk and continuing to vent to yourself, you can make things worse. On the other hand, processing and rethinking can be helpful.

3. Talk to someone.

Talking to someone can be helpful if it’s the right person and you use the conversation to process what happened.

Venting is a part of this, but not unbridled venting with no purpose other than to discharge your feelings.

Verbalizing your emotions is helpful if you also try to see the situation from a different angle.

It’s necessary to widen the picture so you uncover distorted thoughts. Are you seeing all sides of the situation? Is there something you could have handled differently? How might you have reacted more effectively?

Repetitive venting closes your thinking brain down and narrows your scope.

That being the case, be choosy about who you talk to.

Someone who encourages your venting is not helpful. Anger is contagious, and venting to someone who jumps on the anger train hypes it up.

You want someone who’s calm and empathetic but also can look at things objectively.

4. Write it out.

Writing is an excellent way to discharge emotions without making them worse.

Writing brings your thinking brain back on board, even if what you’re writing is a spill of emotions. You have to use your cognition to write.

Also, words on the page crystallize your thoughts and feelings so you can gain some distance from them and think more clearly.

Best Case Scenario

Try combining strategies. If you’re very angry, calm your body first. Take some time alone and walk or exercise.

Then, when you’re calmer, begin processing what happened and ask yourself how you might be distorting your take on the situation and how you might approach it differently.

Writing or talking to someone can aid you in this process.

Next, when you’re ready, take action to revisit the situation if warranted.

That will depend on what happened initially and whether you think it’s worth your time or appropriate to do so. If not, let it go.

One Other Idea

Something that works well for some people is to do a timed vent.

That means they give themselves a specific amount of time to fully vent, followed by rethinking the situation and considering different views and options.

But be careful with this one.

A timed vent should be short. Ten minutes is good enough.

More than that can heighten your anger, especially if you leave it at that and don’t review the situation more objectively.

Sometimes, you can vent briefly and then leave it until the next day to rethink it.

Timed vents are effective, especially when venting to someone else. You set a time, and the person listens without interruption for ten minutes. Then, you work together to process the information.

The bottom line is to avoid chronic venting or rumination.

Distract yourself first, let your body return to normal, and then reevaluate.

If you’re interested in the exact physiology of venting, take a look at Chapter 5 in Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. He explains it exceptionally well!

That’s all for today.

Have a great week!

All my best,

Barbara