Ending a relationship can feel devastating, especially if you still have strong feelings for the person you’ve lost. It’s even worse if you didn’t want the relationship to end, and your partner did.

Sometimes it’s a blessing in disguise. It may be that the person you were with is not really right for you. Worse, it could be that the person you were with was actually bad for you, and in this case, the grief you feel gets pretty complicated.

This article is about that last scenario, and I chose this subject because it comes up a lot in therapy. Someone comes in and they’re in a lot of emotional pain because their boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse has left the relationship. Often they’re emotionally worn down and feeling worthless, or not good enough, and just want their partner to come back.

Sometimes I think the worst thing that’s happened to us is the invention of cell phones.

Then again, I don’t think I could live without one now. How about you? Could you live without yours? I’m guessing not.

But that’s really not the subject of this article. The subject is about a practice that’s become quite common for couples that involves cell phones, and that’s taking a peek at your partner’s phone calls and texts, sometimes overtly, but most of time very covertly meaning secretly.

When you’re trying to improve your relationship with your partner, it’s easy to focus on the negative stuff. You see all problems that need to be addressed, and your attention naturally goes there.

But . . . if you’re always focused on the problems, chances are you may be increasing the divide between you. There has to be an equal, if not greater emphasis, on what’s right!

It’s a weekday, about 8 or 9 in the evening. You’ve had a long day at work, or a long day with the kids, or both.

You’ve managed to get through the dinner hour. Everyone’s fed, dishes are done, kids are bathed and off to bed, and you’re finally able to relax.

You have this small space of time in the evening that’s yours, and you are soooo looking forward to it!

Someone recently asked me what the single most important factor is to a long-lasting, healthy relationship. Big question!

I can come up with 10 things pretty quickly, but to try and choose one above the rest is difficult. Nevertheless, I’ve come up with one answer which I believe embraces many of the others.

The answer in a word is interest.

There are many behaviors that can slowly destroy a relationship, and “competition” is at the top of the list.

Here’s some of the most common ways it’s done:

Keeping a mental list of who does the most, one-upping, being oppositional regardless of the situation, excluding your partner in social settings, comparing assets (both personal and material), and the worst one . . . always turning conversations back to you when your partner needs you to listen.

There’s a quick way to improve or enhance a relationship.

Very simply, the idea is to catch your partner “doing good.”

Instead of focusing mostly on what you don’t like or what’s not going well, notice things your partner does that you like and verbalize it. In other words, show appreciation. Here’s how to do it.